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letters-of-libertas · 9 months ago

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Energy to carry as a single childfree woman

Summary here.

Be more self reliant

You dont have to do everything on your own but you need to be able to count on yourself because for the most part that's all you'll have even as you're around others.

Have more intent with actions

Time & energy is valuable. Where you pour these things into steer the course of your life. Give your time & energy to things that help you (and other likeminded women if you want). You dont have to analyse every action you take but occasionally check in with how/if the actions you're taking are helping to build a foundation for your life as a single childfree woman. Things like donating to female centric causes, improving yourself so you can give yourself (& other women) more, organising/engaging in female centric women only spaces - even if they're just online, goes a long way to set the scene. Even indulging in your hobbies. Dont waste your time on things that wont help you or your motives.

Be more resourceful

Contrary to popular belief this lifestyle isn't a walk in the park, there's a lot more you have to account for especially with a level of reduced support. Being able to adapt/improvise + think ahead to mitigate problems will serve you long term. Also generally building up your resources will make getting through hard times easier.

Living my truth > proving my truth

You dont need others stamp of approval to live this way - just get started ! Convincing others is a waste of time your actions (& results) will speak for you anyways.

Reduce giving benefit of doubt

I once saw a quote "giving others benefit of doubt has never benefitted me" and it rings so true. Giving people benefit of doubt rarely ever works in your favour, the red flags that are downplayed often come back to bite you when you least expect it so trust your instincts on matters. If something is off about something or someone; start backing up. Also pure naïvety is rare, people often know more than they let on so trust + act on your instincts on matters if something feels off.

Be proactive

Instead of just constantly reacting to everything around you; take action no matter how small, it'll pay off more than just outrage. Spend less time on social media reacting to the never ending evil of xys and spend more time building for yourself. Social media can be informative but it can also be an echo chamber that breeds reactionary politics which doesn't move things forward. Ik this is ironic because you're reading this on social media but I'm not saying get rid of it all, just reduce your time on it - particularly around reading & reacting to maIe evil. Focus on tangible things in your life you can control & build instead for yourself and womankind.

Invest in indifference

Taking everything to heart will hurt you. Constant anger/hatred to maIes & their bs is still centering them especially if all you do is react. I'm not saying completely ignore it as they target us & a level of awareness is important, but dont let these feelings consume you. Being indifferent will let you look at things at a face value & make more levelled judgement. It helped my mental health a lot in regards to the climate to grow indifferent, this includes towards maIe identified women and even other types of discrimination like racists, ableists, etc. All theory around maIe violence essentially boils down to them being dangerous parasitic terrorists to not be trusted. I move with this & go. I see through them, I dont argue or waste unnecessary emotional energy on them, I dont care for them to understand me, I dont care to prove them wrong (bc in the end it wont matter all you do is give them more cards to play with; this system isnt erected through logic but violence), I have other stuff in my life to focus on. I cant help the way the world is I can only focus on myself & my actions. Typically the best comebacks arise when you dont give a shit. It wont happen in a day but learn to manage your feelings. Be indifferent to what you cant control, flower what you can control. These comments from the female separatist subreddit explain this well.

Learn to prioritise

Contrary to popular belief we can't have it all. Some are able to do so because they've got wives or staff covering sectors of their lives so they can pour more time into other aspects of their lives like business or leisure. But you wont have that privilege rn so some things will have to take a hit. This is also why you need to be selfish with your time. Things like being resourceful to automate/delegate tasks will buy you time but it's still important to be selfish with your time because as you put time in one area, another area loses time. You need to pick what matters. You cannot give your time away to everyone; make time for yourself & your objectives.

Less theory more action

Having a basis of theory/belief is a good place to start but dont get stuck there.

It's okay to be wrong

Mistakes will be made. Experience is how we learn and grow. Go about your business unabashedly.

Obviously not an exhaustive list but these are some main points that come to mind.

#female separatist #female separatism #wgtow #blackpill feminism #wineauntmovement #many tend to shy away from the single childfree lifestyle bc the traditional map/railguards aren't there but thats the fun part of it #wine aunt #childfree

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chewingbatmanlikeasqueakytoy · 8 months ago

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Okay fingers crossed I can contain myself to condense this all back down into one thread for both our sanities LMAO bc having to split it was Very Overboard of me WHoops Oh yeah you are totally correct that was WAY overestimating then! honestly it being so so much smaller is great bc that means they're going to get away with this shit for WAY LONGER and THAT means weirder and more extreme divergences over time 👀👀👀 and what are we here for if not for Shit Getting Strange?

Honestly I'm digging Rockford for the city base, it does look like Amity in the show. I also can't find what that round building in the river is for in Aurora but it's now going between Amity and Elmerton. I'm just slapping it in there. The river between amity and elmerton is too small for such a large building? Szwoop magical AU powers that's now a big ass river and it's getting a cool building slapped into it, use expanded on later in the post Mostly for the people super spending I was thinking along the lines of people who, essentially, win the lottery or come into large inheritances and then go broke in a few years.

The expenditure to do that must be INTENSE, BUT if the population is much much smaller they can be far more selective about who gets them instead of having what is essentially a panicked dispensing system of 'we need as much as possible immediately' and give it to people they know to be good with money and people they can trust to not essentially attempt to set up bottle necks within the town and who WILL order for their neighbours and not become some kind of problem in the town. So essentially, A smaller population means a healthier community dynamic which means more trust and therefore yeah I would accept that in a city of only 150K, people will fuck each other a LOT less than a city of over a million On the other hand honestly if the Fentons can manufacture the specialised parts in one car I think they can manufacture the specialised parts in any car, but I DO think they would put your ferrari as the lowest priority all the time, so even if they can fix it to run on ecto they probably wont. Tucker it also occurs to me might be the one or at least one of the first to notice that something is up with the towns credit. I'm pretty sure I remember him despairing that he'd nearly paid off his PDA's payment plans as a running joke whenever they got destroyed, so the guy does have reason to have a finger on the pulse of the debt community.

I also head cannon his parents to be dentists tbh, probably bc they're like the 'normal' parents of the group and I feel like 'dentist' is the most normal job. I have absolutely no justification for this, no one in my family is even a dentist to serve as a reason for this opinion. BUT that also means that if Tuckers parents run their own dental surgery, they're up to their chest in Equipment Debt. Correct me if this is a difference again but here apparently dentists have a real time and a half setting up their own practices just because doing so is so expensive.

Considering how extortionately American medicine is supposed to be priced I can't imagine it's any better. But then Tucker goes and essentially confirms with his parents Yeah Somethings up - money is tight all over town after all, so payments haven't been being made but there's, Nothing happening? No ones threatening to reclaim anything? IDK if Tuckers the kind of long term planner to think of it, he definitely seems to be an 'amazing under pressure' sort but kind of needs that pressure as motivation to do stuff? (Very relaxed day to day but literally he's essentially the guy who ACTUALLY dealt with skulker, not Danny, and he does that under SERIOUS STRESS and doesn't even have Batmans prep time)

But Sam has a long term outlook and serious organisational skills considering all her campaigns, so she would definitely lightbulb up like 'we can use this' and then testing commences. Little pokes to see what they can get away with.

Honestly even just the way America builds is an interesting tidbit to how the town would develop because I was ABSOLUTELY thinking build up. Like, if the population grew very very rapidly I was envisioning basically a Kowloon situation, a place where the buildings were growing so thick and tall it was alleged that there were places the sun never reached. These areas once the magical populations start moving in would actually be less of a problem and more of a feature for the light sensitive community, and become sort of an artificial underground considering it does exist above soil level so airflow is actually easier. (Sam would be so stoked for the aesthetic here and is again probably at least partially responsible for how it looks. Gothic Underground City? Tears of joy, her dreams are Real.)

(On the other hand imagine sam having free range over the city scape and how much eco stuff she would shove everywhere, solarpunk with a gothic touch. I guess Sam just gets to grow up to be a city planner in this AU.) (Which honestly makes me want to give Tucker some kind of space age area but arguably that is ALL of Surface Amity once the flying cars and shit start coming in.)(Honestly Old Amity could become a thing in AP like how different places have historically protected towns because they just represent such a picture perfect snap shot of history. APers just to their kids like "this is how we used to live!") This lean towards AP developing this way is mostly because here it is ABSOLUTELY easier to build up than it is to build out, due to both geographical features and to zoning laws, you'd get permission and do get permission for large sky scrapers that knock down old disused buildings and repurpose the ground FAR faster than you get permission to disturb farmland.

This change to the city scape probably wouldn't be an issue till a few years in though, as death fails to decrease the population and outparkers begin to hear about the place and flock in.

I think the GIW would absolutely go after the SPREAD of that technology at least, fearful that it's essentially a trojan horse for the wider population, but considering since its release (and the assumingly decent length of time it's been out in Amity) with no negative side effect, in fact only POSITIVE ones, the pressure on the GIW would be IMMENSE until they where eventually dissolved as 'an embarrassing gaff' on the part of the USA government born of fearmongering.

They certainly aren't going to try and point fingers at the Fentons considering the Fentons are sitting on FTL travel. In fact even when the Filter breaks down Amity might get away with a Lot Of Shit theyve done both from the perspective of 'you declaired us nonsentient and abandoned the town' and the sheer LEVERAGE the Fentons inventions gives Amity (How does that one joke go? if the 1% tries to build a wall to cage in the 99% of the world, it's not the 99% who are going to be living in a cage? that would essentially be the GIW before their dissolution, panicking over people getting 'contaminated') WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE ROUND BUILDING IN THE RIVER!! Honestly The Fentons, with even half these advancements, with the goddamn solution to the energy crisis ALONE in the form of ecto powered homes and cars, are going to be Richer Than God. Do i absolutely think they COULD invent anything and everything we've posited here? Yes. They built an interdimensional portal, these people are nightmares. BUT! I think it's safe to say that the Fentons are people of PASSION. And what people of PASSION tend to want more than anything else is!! For other people to be as excited about their shit as they are! Jack LITERALLY blathers about ghosts to a terrifying degree in the show, he practically POUNCES on people who show even the tiniest HINT they might be willing to listen to his info dumping, so!!!

The round building is the new ecto research facility and university!! Want to be a doctor specialising in liminal care? You study here now! Want to become an engineer who specialises in ecto tech? You study here now! want to become - Etc Etc.

Essentially the demand out grew the Fentons home So Hard they had to set up an entirely new facility, and that's where a fair amount of innovations are coming out of. Danny could actually be a teacher/translator for his parents, considering he's both an expert on ghosts just by emersion and also an expert on deciphering what his parents are saying so he can clear that up for others (Lancer ends up being delighted Danny became a teacher. Danny was his TA for Experience Stuff)

Why in the river? Because I think it looks cool Lmao. (also because realistically it's easier to accommodate aquatic based students and research by building a building that is in the river so they don't have to develop canals and waterways somewhere else in the city and then the transport around that but this is all backwasrds justification just based on 'how fucking cool does that building look?' Nicely done Aurora, I'm in love with it.) ALSO I RELISED there's totally justification for the filter being spotty as a concrete example in canon, VAL!! There's no way Danny doesn't think of her subconsciously as a parker even if she lives in elmerton now, so she absolutely remembers Amity. She talks to one of her neighbours who DOESN'T remember Amity, someone who just works at a local shop instead of trekking across the river for work and they? Don't??? remember Amity?? Until she prompts them like 'yeah you know the whole city across the river? the place I'm from?' and then they're like OH HOLY SHIT. Now the logical, reasonable assumption to that is 'That person had a stroke.' or 'that person is On Something' until it Keeps Happening. It peters off after a while but like this is Valerie 'All ghosts must die' Gray (She hasn't even met Dani yet!!) so actually I've decided that Valerie is the first person who actually puts together that there is some kind of perception filter on the town considering that maybe that morning her BUS TO SCHOOL doesn't arrive because the driver forgot they were on that route and not a different one.

Like other people have detected that Something Is Up, but she's the first non GIW/Fenton person to immediately blame ghosts, and she would hunt that down like the menace she is (Affectionate) She also wouldn't have to be prompted to remember bc realistically she is Liminal so yes! lets say liminals are immune. Jason doesn't recognise the files at first bc maybe the investigation was happening around the time he was on the outs with the family (I'm placing Danny and Jason around the same age in this AU so the Justice league would be Set Up when Amity starts getting strange but is maybe not yet everyone's ''shits going weird 'Who you gonna call? Justice League!'" reaction.)

(Also if Danny and Jason are the same age/a year apart, Danny opens the portal only a short while before Jason DIES so Jason is literally not around to investigate Amity getting its freak on.) AND RIGHT HOW WEIRD WOULD THAT BE FOR JASON??? Like it's not like any of his family are known for being absentminded about details, being steel trap nightmares about cases is kind of a DEFINING bat trait, so when it's his turn to read the file and he says 'its a file on some town called Amity Park?' and everyone just sort of Goes To Do Something Else simultaneously? AWFUL. HE HATES THIS ALREADY. AND THEN IMAGINE. IMAGINE. HE FINALLY GETS A LEAD. He gets a lead on some smuggling ring, one he's been chasing weeks or months, and he's rocking up to the warehouse, ready to School Some Fuckers, and who the hell is this? Looking like he could be a Wayne Adoptee™? Well the guy won't tell Jason his name. Fine, It's not like Jason isn't undercover too. Sometimes you get an unexpected team up. Jason knows how to handle those and how to be careful that he doesn't get his shit rocked by a betrayal. They work great together actually? The guy is clearly some kind of Meta and as they fight Jasons getting pretty suspicious that this guy is involved with the mysterious Amity actually, and at the end of the fight? The guy whips out some weird little thermos thing and sucks up all the smuggled evidence. Jason demands a name at that point because hey that's his evidence he kind of needs that! and Danny just smirks as he screws the thermos lid closed., "You can call me John Galt." And Vanishes like the Little Shit he really is. And Jason? Jason's brain has just flat lined and erupted all in the same moment at the GALL of this asshole. The pure CHEEK. Because Jason right? He's a lit nerd. There's no way he hasn't read that book (which actually sounds really good) but he KNOWS that the bastard just taunted him with that. Maybe didn't expect him to catch it immediately but JASON DID OKAY? And Jason is more invested than ever to find Amity Park and 'john FUCKING galt' just so he can give him a piece of his mind for being such a cheeky shit, but first he apparently has to find an entirely new lead and figure out what to do with these smugglers, considering it looks like 'Galt' wasn't alone. The rest of the facility has been cleared of both evidence and information, and the smugglers weren't contaminated/connected enough to remember without the evidence and reminder files on hand. Jason is FUMING. (he's also put himself on Dannys radar as a possible liminal to introduce to Amity if he turns out to be cool. Not that he knows about this. But Danny is already planning how to 'run into' each other again.) (Batman in this definitely tends towards 'Well meaning but fucks up sometimes, + Paranoia' so he's absolutely loosing his mind that there's something he can't even remember to account for and he's sending his son straight into it. So he's freaking out every time he remembers there's something to freak out about, even if he's doing it Very Quietly.)

Honestly though if ecto ONLY has positive effects there absolutely would be people who balk at that because it's the definition of 'too good to be true'. That fear is probably actually the biggest road block to getting rid of the AEA and the GIW in the end, just people being WIGGGED OUT I'd say once the surgical stuff starts being a thing is really where I'm going to place the count down timer for the filter surviving. The rest of the advancements can be passed off as alien tech, the people flying? obviously metas. But once that contamination starts spreading and people become immune to the filter? It starts eating away at what's left of the destroyed Gauntlets power.

If Danny HADN'T smashed the gauntlet, I'd say it's power would never have been so permeable and faulty or inclined to ever wear off but he DID blow that thing up like a fourth of july firework so BOOP the power was always far more limited than it should have been for an ongoing effect. (The one and done turn back doesn't unravel because the gauntlets power essentially stopped being used to implement the change once it was completed. Think a pot of boiling water compared to a pot of cooked rice - the water stops boiling but rice is always cooked once it's cooked) Essentially, yes to herd immunity! The weight of all those minds Looking and Thinking around the filter in combination eat away at and eventually collapse the filter.

I also feel like people would absolutely start selling fake ecto, essentially everyone knows it's green and glowing and hard to get so just set up a bunch of shitty hoops then give people glow stick fluid and book it. Horribly Immoral? Yes. But unfortunately in this ecto is essentially bordering on a Real, In universe cure all and people are going to exploit the SHIT out of that - no one who's been to AP could ever mistake the difference, but for people who haven't seen the real stuff? Hard to know. It could also be that at a certain point of contamination you essentially get auto access to citizenship in Amity? Like, you get warned before treatment that 'The power source of the machines' may invoke changes in you' which I'm sure they would find a way to put FAR less ominously, but then once they hit that threshold they can start thinking and talking about ecto and that's when the doctors know to be like 'okay do you want to see AP and learn about what these changes may become? Or have someone come out to you? and i mean that's like being asked 'hey do you want to visit el dorado' yeah people are GOING.

I feel like most of the villains would honestly get their shit kicked in especially if they were going in unprepared. Like theres tech for fighting ghosts so if you got hands on that you have a shot but ra's would be one of the first on scene and maybe he gets reports back and thinks he can take it bc HE has been using the pits and by all counts it seems pit use is ecto use so he should be resistant to their powers naturally. Unfortunately that means nothing when it becomes clear just HOW FAR and HOW MANY insane liminals and ghosts there are here. Like LMAO Ra's I'm sorry even with your super genius self and all your fighting prowess I think the Magical Teenager who can drag you into the tarmac of the road and leave you there wins, and it's not like he has time to luxuriate over plans. Other people are moving in, this town is NEW it's FUCKY, it's FRESH. Even anti-ghost tech isn't gonna do shit to something you can't hit if it's in the road beneath you, and there is very little tech in the DP universe that works on both human realm and infinite realm materials/entities. In fact I think Vlad is the only one with it and I'm not even sure if that's fanon or canon. (And also because yeah the idea of him going on trial in the realms? Funny as fuck. Also potentially Cathartic bc realistically the guy is an assassin he has been killing people for SO LONG there are a LOT of angry dead for him to meet.) (FUCK YES to the brawls/fighting rings. This is open not just to the assassins but to any liminals and probably has different 'tiers' like black belt tournaments and shit. The ghosts are eating it UP. The Ex-LoA members who specialise in tracking get all sorts of crazy events going where they chase each other through the cities and wilderness. Honestly they could very much end up serving as the backbone of APs new investigation services and security services - they have to find all the smugglers after all, and if amity is helping the world be a ecologically cleaner place then really??? it's probably not as hard a leap to make as would be expected - the dogma literally goes well together, they just Kill Less.)

Why doesn't the justice league know about Amity Park?

Okay so it's been a bit sonce I watched the show but one of the things in DpxDC is the anti-ecto acts, which I love, but correct me if I'm wrong, I THINK ??? they only show up in reality trip? SO: What if Danny, when using the gauntlet to undo everything, also got rid of the Anti-Ecto acts? but this is babys first time editing reality so he uh Fucks Up A Lil'. As a result when Danny used the reality gauntlet to wipe the AEA from existence he accidentally wiped Amity Park from perception. A big 'nothing matters over here' jedi mind trick, and now no ones looking at Amity. So, the Justice League actually WERE looking into and monitoring the situation in Amity, but when the perception filter closed them off, all of that suddenly went ignored.

This is noticed when someone (Alfred, Dick, Tim, literally anyone) realises theres just. A BIG dusty pile of case files semi abandoned somewhere in the cave when going through a (time period)ly cave cleaning.

They put it down because it's Not Important.

They come back to finish the cleaning the next day and do the exact same thing, but there's nothing to actually distract them this time and it pings as weird. Because why would case files be not important? They are by definition important, because only things flagged as important go into case files.

They try to get someone else to read it, because as long as they don't read the information in the file, they don't put it down.

That person goes to read it, gets a line in and then says something like 'that isn't important' and goes to leave. Person A pushes it and person B ALSO catches on.

Que the Batfam trying to figure out hey, what the fuck actually?

Meanwhile, how is Amity fairing? Canon compliant everything's going alright? Or have knock on effects to No One Look Here started to show?

#reblog replies #omg fingers crossed tumblr doesnt decide to fail on me for rage at how long this is getting lmao???#when will it cut us off #doesn't matter #start another new thread #tumblr cannot stop us #the fact it's starting to hate on how long my paragraphs are getting only fuels me MORE

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sleepy-and-anxious · 6 years ago

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I really want to know all of the different aesthetic ask things but I really don’t have the energy to pretend to be 5 different anons😬

Because its you, and only for you, I will answer every question I haven’t already answered because I hate myself U W U

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself?

Saturday afternoon in the car on the way back from wales!!! I sang Drumming Song by florence and the machine

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?

Eh! I went for cocktails with my uni friends the day or so before I left and I got a little rubber duck in the cocktail and we all had a really lovely time. I paid for everyones drinks so that people weren’t worried about spending money and it was just a really really happy night uwu

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?

I’d take more chances and sit down more often to write my wip ideas down!

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?

Kinda? Publish a book, get all the tattoos on my list, meet a lot of my internet friends!

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood?

Not particularly - but I think I did okay with what I was given.

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person?

uhhhhhh.... yesterday? I cried in front of my mum.

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?

Always. I hate small talk but deep talks im g o o d with.

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?

uhhh.... most likely @notanotherhour because I was snapchatting him when I couldn’t sleep at like 4:30 am on saturday.

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes?

A D O R A B L E 10/10 YUMMY

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far?

A Charismatic Loner ft Too Much Cake

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars?

Uh... buy a flat? Save it? Travel?

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?

I’d like to think i am? I think I could always be more forgiving.

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self.

I don’t need 100 words i’d just need a few:

“Keep going; theres light at the end of the tunnel even if you wont see it for a while.”

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?

p u n k

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain.

j’adore both

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?

I wear a bit of makeup? I usually fill in my brows, wear eyeshadow, eyeliner and mascara. Sometimes i’ll wear foundation, but I find it uncomfortable a lot of the time. But if I am wearing foundation then I will usually go a contour and highlight too.

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them.

Be fucking kind to each other

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.

Oh damn okay so:

Kerrang! tour: Fearless Vampire Killers, Tonight Alive, Chiodos, Black Veil Brides. my first concert! it was a friends 13th birthday and she wanted me to come with her! I went for tonight alive and ended up in love with chiodos!

Pierce The Veil: I still adore. This was my favourite. small emo me was living.

Paloma Faith: I c o n i c

Fall Out Boy: amazing! I bought tickets for my two best friends.

One Ok Rock: “SENPAI NOTICE ME!�� taka: “wait- Senpai?” legendary moment

Twenty One Pilots: one of the most amazing live performances i’ve seen. A r t i s t s.

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised?

Chaotic organisation is my shit. I know where everything is but its rarely neat.

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine?

Depends. usually, unless im going out im winding down at approx 9pm... sometimes earlier. I usually read or watch netflix at this time. Sometimes I have too much energy and can be found going absolutely bat shit crazy and dancing around my room with my earphones in. Then by 11/midnight im usually in bed scrolling through social media or reading!

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?

Okay, so i’ve been dying my hair since I was like 13 but uhh my hair is now died black and styled in a long asymmetrical bob with an undercut. I’m really digging the style, but I might consider going a lighter colour again soon.

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?

Never gotten high, but i’m usually just a really flirty drunk. So maybe some fluttered eyelashes at other people but nothing more than that .

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why?

hmmm one song would probably be one of the songs i mentioned in the bands question in another ask... I wouldn’t know about only seeing one person o3o

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love.

Yeah, I think so. Its a comforting feeling where your stomach does summersaults and you find yourself smiling/blushing uncontrolably when thinking about them

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair?

I’m not sure... I’d love to rock short hair but I don’t think I have the right face shape for it!

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?

skinny hazelnut latte (iced or regular depending on how warm it is)! Uh, my uni friends, my ex and the starbucks baristas back in wales bc they know my order by heart lmfao

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?

my freedom, the ability to create things and all the possibilities I have now.

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writingblot · 6 years ago

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(Reposting bc tumblr wont let me put the original in the tags 😡, but originally in response to a prompt from @supercutedinosaurs!)

“I mean, I guess I’d guessed that you’ve been.. That there’s been something going on… between the two of you for a bit, but I just… I didn’t guess this is how I’d find out.” Peter stood in the doorway, using one hand to shield his eyes from the sight before him.

Across the room, Sirius and Remus lay in Sirius’ four poster bed. The both of them were clearly naked. Their clothes were tossed around the dormitory, and the pillows from the bed lay forgotten on the ground. The both of them were trying to cover themselves with the bedsheets, but it was too tangled to be neatly pulled over them. Despite their best efforts, there were still two very distinct tents visible among the blankets.

“Listen, mate,” Sirius began, his face flushed a rare shade of red, “we didn’t plan on you finding out this way either.”

“Really didn’t.” Remus had his face hidden in his hands, as though it would help him disappear from the situation.

Peter groaned. “I just..” He peaked out from under his hand. “Oh god, please put your penis away, Remus.”

Remus tugged at the covers, doing his best to organise them around himself. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

“Worms, maybe it’s best if you just shut the door.”

Peter seemed to agree. He turned and closed the door behind him. A second later, the door swung open again. “No, nope.” Peter walked back in, keeping his head down and his hands by his temples, much like the blinders on a horse. “Nope, I need my charms book. That’s the whole reason I was in here in the first place.”

He walked to his side of the room and shuffled through his trunk for a moment. As soon as he found the book he rushed out the door, looking like he never wanted to return.

Remus and Sirius waited a few moments before they moved. When they were sure the coast was clear, they looked at each other. Only a second passed before the two of them were laughing hysterically.

“I’m going to kill myself, I swear to God,” Remus wiped a tear from his eye. “Why couldn’t it have been James!”

“James would’ve been worse,” Sirius snorted. “He’d’ve gotten in right in with us.”

Remus sighed, his laughter finally dying down. “Oh god, once Peter tells James you know he’s going to come bounding up here just to see for himself.”

“True,” Sirius agreed, “but I reckon we’ve got at least 10 minutes before that happens.”

“Excellent,” Remus looked at Sirius and bit his lip. “Should we pick up where we left off then?”

#wolfstar fanfic #wolfstar #sirius x remus #mauraders #marauders era #peter petigrew #suicide mention #also #tw nudity #so

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yoonminist · 7 years ago

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💕 crush stories p4 💕

My relationship with my crush is a little complicated lol she's the softes bean ever and has a lot of problems she doesn't wants to talk about and I'm the only one who's there for her but last year everything just went down because i needed a friend to be there for me but she treated me like shit so i turned to another friend and we started dating. While i was in this relationship my crush got a boyfriend (who treats her like shit) After 6 month of dating my gf me and my crush became best friends again and i spent a lot of time with her. I broke up with my gf last week because i had to realise we only dated because we were both lonely. Now I'm back at pining over the smallest cutest girl in the whole world while i have to take care of her or she would probably die dnkdks i actually got her to watch httyd with me as her bf was being an ass and she loved it even tho she usuall hates animation movies lol

you’re right this is complicated lmao so she’s still with her bf ??? even though she’s cute and has her own problems you don’t deserve to be treated like shit so i hope you cleared up whatever that was,,, i suggest you take a little time to enjoy being single before you start thinking about dating this crush now because i’ve seen people date for the sake of not being lonely and it usually isn’t good in the long term but good luck!! and i don’t know how bad her bf is but she should dump him

He's not texting since 3 days ago (our first date)... I think i don't like him any more 💔😭 we've been friends for 5 years...

:’( either he treats you better or you drop him bc you deserve better than that ♡

I think im a little strange, there's a guy that i like(a lot) he is really cool, funny and smart, but i think he is gay. Rather than i'm being sad or something alike, i ship him with his friend, but i still liking him. I'm getting crazy :')

ohhhh does he actually like his friend though or do you just ship them because you think he’s gay ?

aaa, so i've liked this guy for almost 3 months and i did the Thing where i told him (which never happens, because i'm usually way too shy and i tend to want to tamp my feelings back to nothing). that night, we spent hrs walking blocks and blocks and he told me he doesn't like anyone atm, which i understood 100%. after that, it really wasn't bad and we actually hung out at a lookout point for a few more hrs into the morning before he took me home. he's the first person in a while that made me feel so nervous, excited, fluttery, good about myself in a long time. i think (i hope) that i'll be over him soon - at the end of it all, he's still a good friend. the butterflies haven't left yet though - my lil heart won't stop hoping and he's not gonna stop being cute and gosh darn attractive and lovely anytime soon 😫 (ty for letting me rant through this! you're one of my favorite blogs 💝)

THIS IS SO CUTE ahh im glad you went for it!! even though he told you he didn’t like anybody it’s better that you know and don’t spend all this time being hung up on him and wondering about What Ifs so i’m happy for you ♡ he sounds like such a nice friend though so i’m glad you have a person like him in your life and hope that you get over him asap (and thank you !! you’re so sweet 💖)

My crush is an asshole who played push and pull with me for 3 years and recently decided to declare that he likes me, but he's still not sure about us. He said, i quote: 'what if i ask you out and then change my mind' . So we're at square one again😂 he is such an attractive guy, i can't give up on him😭

NO no matter how cute he is you should get rid of him omg what an asshole-ish thing to say,,, trust me even if it’s hard at first you’ll be way happier when you’re over him !! he doesn’t deserve you!!!! ♡

My crush is actually in Korea for the summer (no lie, he's an exchange student at my school). He's so adorable and sweet, but we almost never talk or hang out, and whenever we do I'm always the one to initiate :c Just trying to be optimistic and open about everything rn :s

optimism is good!! hopefully it isn’t because he isn’t interested or already has someone but i guess the best way to find out is always to hint at it or outright ask about his love life ??

Does it count if my crush and I recently married? lol because even though he is my husband not a day goes by that my heart does not flutter with something he does. Wether it be hugging, hand holding or even a smile directed my way, I still get butterflies like crazy. He is the most kind caring and thoughtful person I have had the pleasure of meeting. He is silly and loves laughing. He has the most beautiful eyes and smile I have ever seen. But maybe I'm just being biased lol I love my crush 💜

AWWW CONGRATS ON YOUR MARRIAGE this is so nice ✨✨✨ i love this n hope you’re happy together for As Long As You Both Shall Live

The last time I had an actual full blown crush on someone it was in seventh grade and Jesus Christ let me tell you I was so dramatic over it?? The dude's initials are M.J and I once burst into tears cause I saw the letters on my tv once and we had these letter stickers back then so I put M and J together next to the Pc and whenever someone asked about it I was like it's Michael scofield bc that was back when prison break was ongoing. God I cringe so much now when I look back at it lmaoooo

you burst into tears when you saw his initials fjngjnfjgfn

Okay so my crush is a girl and omfg, she's so pretty?? Her hair falls just above her shoulders and she has brown hair & brown eyes and I take most of my classes with her, but we have the most fun in German, Economics & Managment and Organisation. So she has a lot of... character (idk lol). She is hella stubborn and takes shit from no one but so do I so we banter and insult each other A LOT, but it's always playful so we never feel insulted. But the thing is that i'm a girl too And I didn't even know I liked girls too until I met her lol (so now i'm a closet bi girl). But the thing that gives me hope is that we low key flirt? We send each other snaps stating how much we love each other and always call each other bae/babe etc. I know girl friends do this but it's different I don't even act that way with my best friend and neither is she? And she once confessed to me that she kissed a girl when she was really drunk, but didn't feel anything with it And once we were hanging out with friends, she was drunk and this guy was lying on top of her (a friend who gets real touchy when drunk, but it was all good no harassment of some sorts) she like kept calling me to help, nothing real big. But she also got jealous once when I send a snapchat to her best friend (she was with her @ the time) & she was like why didn't you snap me? So i'm really confused and idk if she likes me too? Sorry for the ramble :(

i relate to this so much lmao i found out i was bi through my first gf too so this all sounds AWFULLY familiar,, i’ll just say if you joke about being in a r/s all the time it’s a sign that you should level it up to a real one but from what you’re telling me i have a good feeling about this!! i hope she really is into you and that you end up dating ❤ (and that you keep me updated whoops)

so im in marching band and there's this one guy in color guard who's really good and the way he can move his body is just like impossible to look away from? and he's really attractive like the other day he was wearing a shirt that had kind of a low neckline and his collarbone was really prominent and i just ahhh??? im not sure if he knows i exist but he's just really attractive help

I LOVE IT I HOPE HE NOTICES YOU AND IT’S LOVE @ FIRST SIGHT

im crushing on this guy for over 3 years. he is a meanie but i like him a lot :') this past week he confessed and said he liked me. but he is not sure if he wants a relationship. we even went out on something like a date :D im very confused rn ahahaha

you need to be clear with this kind of stuff in a r/s so just ask him!! trust your gut though, no matter how much you like him i think that if you don’t think you’ll be happy dating him then just don’t do it :’( ♡

Hey it's the anon that may or may not be gay who has a crush on the girl named Ramona. So.... I think I fucked up. A few friends of mine threw this huge party this weekend and I made sure to tell Ramona so she'd go (I mean goody2shoes at a party come on how cute is that?) So about an hour or 2 into the party she shows up with some friends and I hang around her most of the night, and when I'm not WITH her I made sure I knew where she was. See the part where I messed up is that Im not the best with alcohol... And I drank a bit much. Now I remember kissing Ramona. And that's it. However according to some friends I kissed her she slapped me I pushed her... into the pool and she left crying. Now its Monday and she wont look me in the eye (it's lunch rn and English is next) what do I do?!? I'm an obvious drunk asshole, BUT THATS THE THING! I was DRUNK! I mean I wanna apologize but I can't even get close to her with her friends there

NOOOOO oh my god you really did fuck up ;; can’t you text her asking if you guys can talk ?? tell a friend what happened and hope she’ll understand and let you explain?? honestly i have no idea but i hope you sort it out and let her know how sorry you are but also don’t beat yourself up too much!! accidents happen even if they are bad, it’s ok in the end as long as you apologise,,,,, good luck ♡ and don’t drink around her again ;;

#ask game #these are the last ones i have rn lmao #u can send more if u want !! and bc i love reading them but ill just publish now #unless it's a follow up then u Have To tell me what's going on #also disclaimer i have No idea what im talking abt so u can ignore me kfnjdknfj

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darrycurtises · 7 years ago

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hey fam, do all of the aesthetic asks

thanks sun goddess ily

Flower Crown: when did you last sing to yourself

yesterday bc i always sing in the car, i think it was me putting “starman” “here comes the sun” and “ticket to the moon” on repeat the whole way home

Fairy Lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?

i’d like to know what the world will be like in like a century bc i worry about the world i hope she’ll be ok

Daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life

well i’m a seventeen yr old and not even one of the cool ones that compete in the olympics so its either like UH starting college @ 16 or being published in an official writing anthology

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to your mind, recent or otherwise?

last year when i went to busch gardens w my sister n my mom and i got to hold a penguin named Turkey ON MY LAP i have pictures to document this (i was chubbier back then tho no judgment)

Matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you’re now living?

yeah i wouldn’t be fucking living in florida and going to school id be using whatever money i could to travel overseas, and then i’d go on a big crosscountry roadtrip

Black Nail Polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?

not an official one, just vague “i’d like to do x someday” things

Moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood?

yes absolutely

Stars: when did you last cry in front of another person?

last week i went to a funeral and i cried so much they got a picture w me sobbing in the background

Plants: pick a person to stargaze with you, and explain why you picked them

my best friend tomas probably because he’s the only person who wouldnt make fun of me for stargazing

Converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?

BITVH NO LMAO I DONT EVEN TALK TO MY FRIENDS !!

Lace: when was your last three am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?

again, tomas, my best friend. about 4 days ago?

Handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one more person, what would you say and to whom?

oh man i dont even know

Cactus: opinion on brown eyes?

i have them and i love them. got my brown eyed angels all over the place. i know like three people w not-brown eyes

Sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally

Oil Paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far?

[Redacted]

Overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars?

id get new cars for my sister and mom bc theirs are v old like ten minutes to start and cough like a smoker old, and id pay my mom’s house off, pay off my sister’s student loans, deposit a lot to my grandma who’s living in an expensive nursing home, donate 2 houston, put away more for my college, lots of stuff

Combat Boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?

Yes and yes

Winged Eyeliner: write a hundred letter word to your twelve year old self

I don’t need 100 words I just need to tell her to shut up, stop eating so much, try being friends w the girls you don’t like, they were actually nice, you’re not as funny as you think you are save your words for later and think before you speak. Also, thanks for attaching our self worth to our school performance, this isn’t sarcastic, its turning out really well for scholarships

Pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?

Leaning more towards pastel, but honestly the most accurate thing would be primary colors/

Tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain.

I like them but not on me

Piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?

I usually do a quick face for school, but if im in the mood then I like to do the most just because im a teenager and im living in a time of really weird fashion and this is the only time in my life where I’ll be ballsy enough and free enough to buy and wear green eyeshadow. You think that’ll fly when im 30 w a 9-5 job? I think not. Lemme get it outta my system now, while I have ~~~being a teenager~~~ to blame it on

Bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way.

This is gonna sound really depressing but I don’t believe in love bc of the avett brothers song “January wedding. He was so in love with her when he wrote it and for years I was like “this is love theyre so in love” and then bam we get the true sadness album and January wedding gets followed by “divorce separation blues.” Who can be that in love with someone and then just. Stop. I don’t get it, love isn’t real.

Messy Bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them.

This is too much pressure

Cry Baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.

Ive seen the avett brothers 3 times and they were amazing every single time, just wowowow I got the “fuck it, im standing up and singing” mood. Ive also seen boston and foreigner, which were also fun, but mostly bc of the 50 yr old stoners in the crowds.

Grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?

My papa, and I’d like it to say [classified] and maybe I’d like him to say [redacted].

Space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised?

I have a permanent set up at the kitchen table from august thru may, and its perpetually in disarry.

White Bed Sheets: what is your night time routine?

Face mask, hair care, moisturizer, vanilla tea, set up the coffee maker for the next morning, pack my book bag, pray, bed.

Old Books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know?

I’d like my mom not to know that she’s kind of annoying to watch movies w (it’d break her heart shes so sensitive aw) and id like my dad not to know where I live

Beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?

I have dyed my hair I went red for a bit but now its brown. Id never do anything that require I bleach it bc I love myself and wont do that to my head

Eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?

Id take my mom, sister, my friends [classified], [classified], and [classified] to new york w me so we can do horrible cheesy touristy stuff, and then I’d have them go w me on a cross country roadtrip

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them.

If I tell u my wish it wont come true

Painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up.

Its gonna be this year’s ive already perfected the make up im gonna be a mime and its amazing

Lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?

Literally nothing ive never gotten high bc it seems uhhh not fun, but ive gotten a lil drunk before (I don’t like to drink bc it makes my head hurt and it’s a lot of calories) but I get sad id be a sad drunk so I just cried.

Thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?

Anything thatd harm a person/animal. Never kill, never maim. If u handed me a gun and said “shoot a deer ill give you a million dollars” I couldn’t do it. If I had to break someones arm for a million dollars I couldn’t do it.

Storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why?

Song, bc I love people, ill just listen to a podcast while I run I guess

Love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realize you’re in love.

Not really, only a little bit of an “I’d like to love them” sort of thing

Clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair?

Im a girl and id never rock short hair bc I don’t have the jaw for it, and I like my long hair to make my jaw look sharper

Coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?

I just get iced black tea bc starbucks coffee is ass, and id trust my mom. Not my sister or my friends bc theyd get me sugar in my tea instead of unsweet w honey

Marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?

The things my life has revolved around for years lmao my loved ones and school

#if you cant tell im a fucking loser #im doing notes right now #its friday night im doing notes i should be out #but no im in and im writing notes and theyre beautiful ill post then on my studyblr #also a bonus for how fucking lame i am: i have a separate studyblr and langblr #ask #answered

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ilygsd · 6 years ago

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odfidk: 140818 - 1

ok so i really want to talk to a therapist but i wont be comfortable explaining my life story if theyre white. i just want help cus im always so tired but no one helps. ive been angry, fighting my whole life but no one cares. i came as an angry anxious baby. i was furious when i was adopted. i was screaming all the time, abandoned multiple times just to be bought by these white foreigners i didnt even understand. but no one cared. no one knew how to handle my loss and pain, and my dad’s emotionally abusive as it is, making me grow up, feeling like theres smth wrong with me. that im just an annoying angry kid by default or smth, while my sister was the perfect one. thats why i always protected her. thats why i always stood up against his accusations, guilt tripping and anger. because my little sister was too afraid and i was already labelled as the problematic kid. but im tired. she’s fkn 15. after all the things ive done for her the least she gan do is ask me how im feeling fromt time to time. my whole family knows ive been depressed for like 2 years and the only one who cares is my mom who just survived a 7 year old long ptsd. i hear from her that my sister appreciates it but i never get anything from her. i dont feel appreciated in this family at all. im still the angry annoying sjw and nothing i say will ever be taken seriously by our dad cus hes a master of making both me, my sister and mom (probably brothers too but they fkn abandoned us a long time ago those pussies, leaving 10 year old me to fend for me and lil sis all on my own while our parents were divorcing, mom was suicidal, dad abusive and economy crashing) feel like shit. their divorce was probably my first trigger factor. it took me 2,5 years, i was 4 the first time i dared to let go of my parents. first time they could leave me out of sight without me being ”annoying and screaming” aka having a fucking panic attack. their divorce was another abandonment, another trauma and i never learnt how to get over that either.

yesterday i was crying in the bathroom for 2 hours straight bc my family doesnt love me, i get out and no one cares. i literally told my dad he wouldnt care if i died yesterday and he didnt react. he fkn closed the balcony door bc he didnt want the neighbors to hear me ”so angry and upset”. i yelled at him that when i commit suicide its going to be his fault but hes so narcissist and dumb he doesnt understand. so i threw smth and destroyed smth and tHEN he reacted. i love having to use unhealthy techniques like suicide threats and murdering threats to get a reaction. i once did that and this ex friend threatened to report me to the police for murder threat. her mom even called my boyfriends mom to warn them of me but she didnt even call my mom??? she didnt care abt the fact that next to my ”i want to kill everyone. dream of murdering my family” i also wrote ”i want to kill myself”. dont remind me of this though. im not proud of it. i know its weong to manipuqlte like this but no one teached me how to deal with my feelings and avandonemnt issues in a healthy way. and so i’ve took after my dad and turned into this controlling emtoionally abuser, all bottled up, constantly angry and sad, guilt tripping and manipulating the people im supposed to love in fear of them abandoning me. and i will always hate the world for making me suffer like this.

i just want to rest. im tired of always fighting for something as basic as love and safety. i never got over the loss of mom and culture and people. and i lost every sense of safety i had built up during my adoptive parents divorce and older brothers leaving. and im unhappy, im always unhappy because i miss my mom and culture and people so much. i feel misplaced and lost. the only thing keeping me alive being the thought of one day going back to china. the only thing keeping me alive is the thought of being able to actually help people with my experiences and knowledge, to help other international transracial adoptees or maybe fight for chinese womens rights or smth. thats the only thing. if my life turns out like.... nothing i’ve been suffering in vain. if im never going to be happy ive been suffering for nothing. ive tried so hard in my life but nothing works. im cursed. i really am cursed but not only do people leave me im also incapable of feeling other peoples love. i cant feel other peoples love because the only love i want is my mothers. my REAL mother, my ACTUAL mother, the chinese mother society loves to shame and make me forget because you all see her as a threat to my white parents claim over me.

the only difference between me and all those other ”normal” adoptees (aka my little sister) is that they’re whitewashed to death by their family, probably even more emotionally abused than i was and also they’ve repressed their feelings and trauma and I AM THE VERY REASON ADOPTEES DO THAT. ME AND ADOPTEES OVERREPRESENTATION IN SUICIDE STATISTICS ARE THE REASONS BECAUSE ITS GOING TO KILL YOU. my abortion and friend-break up was the last trigger before i exploded but believe me, it would have happened sooner or later anyways. my whole life has been a trigger. however many adoptees live their whole lives without ever waking up from this pretty little perfect sunshine story their parents and society had told them. there’s a reason so many adoptees are whitewashed to death and hates your disrespectful nosy questions. its a survival technique. we know that if we want to survive a life with our background conditions, then we have to repress our feelings concerning our adoption and everything associated with it. its not conciously, ITS A DEFENSE MECHANISM. and we get so much shit for it, which is understandable because many adoptees are fucking racist asshats. but you need to fucking understand that its because they’ve learnt to hate themselves and their own people. they’re TERRIFIED of being associated with immigrants and people of color because they know their white racist parents secretely hate them and actually secretely hate them too. all they want is love, they dont know anything else. it sucks to argue with a 40 year old adoptee of color though who’s still racist and whitewashed af, thats just sad and i would love to focus more on younger adoptees and help and support them through their ”awakening”. the awakening is much like learning about sexism or racism and how its ingrained in everything and practiced by your family and friends. just 100x worse cus you realize your family isnt even your family and you’re all alone in your thoughts, feelings, experiences and eventual search.

and adoptive parents and adoption organisations need to take fucking respnsobility for once without blaming everything on our traumatic past. you’re not ready to adopt non-white kids with trauma. you’re not educated enough and you placing us in all-white countries and neighborhoods, with problematic and abusive parents will not help. and im not speaking for myself, im speaking for ALL international transracial adoptees. im tired of hearing ”but your sister”, ”but my daughter is not”, ”my son doesnt care” WELL AS I SAID THEY DONT CARE BECAUSE YOU’VE NEVER GIVEN THEM THE CHANCE OR REASON TO CARE. IVE SACRIFICED MYSELF FOR MY SISTER. IVE FOUGHT OUR PARENTS, IVE TOLD THEM I HATE THEM, IVE DONE EVERYTHING I COULD TO TEST THEM, MY MOM WAS SUFFERING FROM PTSD AND I WAS THE MOST ANNOYING PROBLEMATIC KID EVER BECAUSE 1. I DIDNT KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH MY PAIN AND 2. TO SEE IF THEY WOULD FINALLY HAVE ENOUGH AND LEAVE ME. I DID THAT BECAUSE I COULDNT LIVE WITH THE CONSTANT FEAR OF ONE DAY HAVING THEM GROW TIRED OF ME AND ABANDON ME. I WANTED THEM TO BECAUSE THEIR DIVORCE WAS AVANDOBMENT ENOUGH. I DID THAT BECAUSE MY KIND LITTLE QUIET SISTER WOULD NEVER HAVE THE COURAGE TO. SHE WOULD NEVER DARE TO STAND UP AGAINST OUR DAD OR QUESTION THEIR BAD PARENTING AND UNDEDUCATION WHEN IT COMES TO RACISM/ADOPTION INDUSTRY BECAUSE SHES SCARED. SHE HATES CONFLICTS AND FIGHTS BECAUSE THOSE ARE THINGS THAT TRIGGERS HER. SHE GETS TRIGGERED BY FIGHTS AND I GET TEIGGERED WHEN PEOPLE IGNORE ME BECAUSE SHES AVOIDANT AND IM ATTACKING. I WANT TO FIGHT BC THATS HOW I FEEL PPL CARE. WHEN MY DAD WALKS OUT ON ME WHEN I TRY TO FIGHT OR SAY SOMETHING THATS MY BIGGEST TRIGGER. WHEN I FIGHT WITH MT BF AND HE DOESNT ANSWER MY TEXTS OR HE SUDDENLY HUNGS UP ON ME THATS THE BIGGEST TRIGGER. MY SISTER WOULD HUNG UP BC SHE WOULD FIND SOMEONE LIKE ME SCARY BUT WE ALL GET TRIGGERED BY DIFFERENT THINGS. WHAT WE HAVE IN COMMON THOUGH IS OUR TRUSMA AND OUR ABANDOMENT ISSUES. SHES ALSO AFRAID OF BEING ABANDONED, WE ALL FUCKING ARE, MANY OF US JUST DONT KNOW IT YET BECAUSE OUR PARENTS ARENT EQUIPPED TO HANDLE KIDS WITH TRAUMA. I KNOW BECAUSE I LOVE POLITICS AND SOCIAL JUSTICE SO I EDUCATED MY OWN GOD DAMN SELF. MY SISTER LOVES NATURAL SCIENCE SO SHE DOESNT KNOW A SHIT SHE DOESNT EVEN KNOW WHAT A BISEXUAL IS AND SHES FKN 15, SHES AWESOME AT NATURAL SHIT AND THATS IT. I KNOW BECAUSE IVE ACTIVELY SOUGHT INFORMATION ABOUT IT BUT NOT EVERYONE DOES. NO ONE HELPED ME. EVERYTHING IVE LEARNT AND EVERYTHING I KNOW IS THANKS TO MY OWN GOD DAMN SELF. ADOPTIVE PARENTS DONT KNOW SHIT ABOUT RACISM OR TRAUMAS. MY MOM UNDERSTANDS BECAUSE SHES A FUCKING PSYCHOLOGIST, BUT IF I DIDNT COME UP WITH THESE THEORIES ON MY OWN SHE NEVER WOULD. SHE TELLS ME NOW AT AGE 19 THAT ADOPTING ME, SEEING ME SCREAMING FOR DEAR LIFE AS I WAS HANDED OVER FELT WRONG. SHE FELT LIE SHE WAS TAKING ME, THAT IT WAS INHUMANE. AND NOW SHE KNEW WHY. BECAUSE IT WAS FUCKING WRONG AND INHUMANE. SHE WOULD NEVER HAVE COME TO THAT CONCLUSION IF I DIDNT PUSH HER WITH MY KNOWLEGE. IM THE ONE EDUCATING MY PARENTS AND ITS ONLY MY MOM LISTENING AND SINCE SHES WHITE AND NOT ADOPTED HERSELF SHES STILL ONLY ABLE TO UNDERSTAND LIKE 50% OF IT

i honestly dont get enough appreciation in this family. the only thinkers in this family is me, my mom and one of my brothers. but fuck him as i said, he abandoned us during their divorce and he’s been absent all my teenage years. we could have been close, he could have helped me bc he also suffered from depression. he gould have protected me like i proteced my little sister but he didnt. maybe it was the age gap or the fact that me and my sister are adopted while he and our other brother isnt, we’ll never know. all i know is that unlike my other brother and our dad he’s not completely unfamiliar with what racism, sexism and capitalism is. he’s not dumb and empty. he got a brain and he would be capable of understanding these things just like mom if he wanted to. but its been so many years, he’s fucking 28 and he betrayed me that bitch.

i really dont get enough appreciation. no one ever tells me they love me or appreciate my brain since im the only one analyzing shit. my mom does too but only personal and psycholgy shit never society or groups like oppression and structures and systems. im the only one doing that and im good at it. i always see patterns and i know my politics very well so i can easily see what kind of ideology people have. but i never get credit for it. im still just the lazy kid while my sister get cred for..... idk studying and working our and being didciplined. also ive been through mich more than anyone in this family. my mom and brother has also been through shit, i mean okay ALL OF them have because all people go through shit, but ive LEARNT things and they havent. they’ve repressed it or ignored it. only my mom and brother have also learnt but they never talk. my brother is avodiant like my sister. he never talks. hes quiet to himself and thinks. my mom talks but shes still a pussy

#odfidk #diary

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haeroniel-doliet · 7 years ago

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thbleugh but what bich is gonna fight me for me

idk im just gonna rant again, im sorry if youre on mobile just like, give it a big flick and fly past this i tried i actually have a read more this time

anywy im feelin shitty an dumb n weird an its not fun?? like do we try categorize these feelings:

1. i have 3 days to pass a course and all the course work i failed to do in fucking march

1.b. all those emotions to do w unis great! but also ive been solow and sad and dysfunctional its not rly even funny, grades dropping many levels in half a year like. sure grades dont define my life but considering how easy it is for me to get those grades to see them consistently and kinda dramatically dropping isnt helping (even though like i actively know i got lower grades bc i didnt fucking attend class or take in any knowledge. i realise hahah im making a psychology reference bc im a smart psychology uni student.... hmh oh yeah we, we learned about this, i dont know it. my peers do. oh. oh i didnt, i didnt learn anything. oh no. im here to learn abt the subject im supposedly loving and thats the best fit for me bc like hell id be an artist. anyway i have a lot of shit down here i havent figured out who to talk it out to. the mental health advisor didnt have the time for it rly and w counsellors its been different topics but now were in summer and id rather spend the spare money i can rattle off my parents on ballet than a psyhc i could see 2 times best. im just gonna have to wait till septembet bc my dumb white wall subscitption expired too damnti. ugh im just, okay lets move on

2. inadequacy thats not justified? like it is obvs bc it bothers me and i know i can do better and i am better than this all and i clearly have smth stopping me. while to others im doing just fine if not better than them who are really struggling and kinda dont have sympathy for me who goes ‘ugh im doing so badly and struggling, i mean i write perfect essays in one go but its just so hard to do thattt and i know im smarter and better than this’ esp bc say putting words together in that way is difficult on them and not been good at school

2.b. like being good at school but noot being good now, classic phenomenon or has my school system always been the softes most coddliest and where in the normal or worse school 1would have performed average and maybe learned to study and the worth of it to do better, ive just been good enough that caring became so unnecessary i need to waste my time on pointless but constant other things. like youtube and rpchats. constant monotone stimulation for hours. andhours.

2.c. asking for help bc im struggling w actually getting over the fuzzy and struggle and self hate and blegh feelings to do some work thatd allow me to pass the coursein my 3 days of the very last extended time. and then realising, ah either youve slaved over your work and stressed and panicked to have it good and on time and have no pity left for me and my foolishness, or you never got to uni/struggled to go to uni and think im wasting my opportunity by being an ungrateful lazy piece of hsit. and i know ia m. and 2.d. its the reason why im not doing extra volunteering or serious extra curriculars thatd give the headstart in my lfie. bc, even tho on one side i wanna be that kid and owuld scoff at ppl not doing it who are here for fun and get a degree on the side, rn i see it as not stealing away dedicated good peoples spots who deserve to get the extra recognition for being clever and independent, meanwhile knowing htat probablyill be just fine. worst case scenario for me is literally (ok theres worse but v unlikely) living w my parents and ending up at a mediocre service job to another mediocre office job or smth and never get to a lab bc i wasnt sufficient enough and i never got the cotton balls out of my head and cleared up again to be smart enogh

okay what next, shitty privilige, crying abt my cotton ball head or not being smart

3. okay were gonna do the smart first bc my chest hurts and i kinda feel like crying or smth abt it. like in a dumb (fun) chat im playing athena known for wisdom and all this shit, and though i can throw out a quip or two or cleverly use smth to keep the smartass wisdom stick going on, every now and then i realise how dumb i am and not smart enough that another person could clearly fill this in much better. like. you know all the hilarious posts abt mansplaining and women being pushed out of their fields by dumber men who think they know better bc the others a woman and like, yeah? things where they are confident enough to say, actually i am way smarter than you and i know this bettr. here i am feeling like even if i spent years researching smth i wouldnt have the confidence to feel smart and knowldegeable abt it. like rn, i cant even hold arguments anymore bc im a fool. and i come off as dumb and i dont want to be, i still wanna be the smart kid, but im not working my brain im not doing work or research or learning, im jsut floating by w my cotton ball head thats getting fuzzier and fuzzier and though i can do tasks and would probably b v compeittive if it came to that and need to prove myself as smart, i can no longer feel like id hold my own, esp when people poke holes so easily, trap falls, “hah you dont know what to say ive bested you you dumb bitch” vibey things i just. its horrible? i wanna be smart and be confident in my smartness and feel recognized as smart by other people and live up to that expectation of actually being clever. and not just, knowing im smart enough in some ways bc school ive passed so easy w always good remarks and participate well in class discussion and all, and im sure nobody thinks im rly dumb bc if i have to ask things im v friendly and try to be attentive. and idk if nobodys expecting more than me, bc again if i cant answer ive developed to be v chill about it and come off as average i guess.

anyways 4. privilige; like thers multiple inc. the fact im fucking finnish aka my education system was supposedly one of the best, i grew up international so i wasnt even confined to one shitty school in one shitty town, ive had varied school experiences and switching so much i think has given me confidence in myself and shit like that. also bc im finnish i get grants in uni, like free money. and so far i have barely had to use it bc surprise my parents are togther and decently well off bc they got lucky w a job being fancy ppl for 3 years and my older brother is already adulting and slowly doing his own thing so i can have more money from them. aka. catch my dad paying all my rent and food and everything i need/ ask for on the condition we keep a good releationship. and im reasonable bc he raised me smart apparently idk. but that still means im living at home i have no intentions of becoming an independent home owner bc idk how i would esp since ill be with my parents most holidays for years to come and idk even when or how ill become a real adult being in a real home w real comapnionship. bc rn idk who im even gonna live with, hopefully be civil w them maybe even make a bit of friends but im not gonna have a significant other to move in and support me for a while bc thats a thing idk if were getting into today in this why im feeling shitty rant.

4.b. so im priviliged in everyway to go to uni for free (damn i gotta apply for that again) in a nice country and a nice and supportive school and get funding from both my parents and my country and not worry abt money and just get a degree all supported and babied again. im also, idk. priviliged bc, fuck writing comes easy to me, i know nayone reading my rants would be like... yeah this is barely legible and terrible writted and mind blurts so i say it is yes bc its mind blurts but i can organise my htoughts into fancy essays surprisingly easy and critical stuff like psych and english came mad easy to an extent. sure, i wasnt talented in math but i still made it, i am not talented in science but sometimes the concepts click and i can . but then, im also talented in art. and im not ashamed to say its privilige disposition or talent or smth, bc damn. i do not practice or dedicate enough love to claim that. sure, ive drawn always, sure, ive practiced more as a kid thatn other kids and thats probably carried me thru pretty far, but i think ive just had a natural disposition to be good at art technique (creativity maybe not so, or inspiration) but i know what looks good and sometimes how to achieve that. cue montage to art class where i sit w my friends who are talking about bands or making outlines w nut shells bc there i am beside them doing the work in half the time twice as good. mostly bc the teacher wasnt great and would assign essentially copying a picture from a4 to a2 u know like drawing the same thing. and thats not easy. and youre supposed to build up really light layers and slowly refine it. and ppl who listened only ended up w shitty light drawings that either look like potatoes or vaguely like the picture, while i with boosting confidence would go, we only do one super light sketch one medium sketch and one dark layer. bc by the medium one everything is in its place and looks abt like everyone elses and i need the dark hues to show it accurately even if it isnt perfect, and my work would like almost always stand out on the wall bc it was so different/advanced. i wont lie it influenced my friends to not draw as well or as much sitting next to me, and ofc id feel bad and i could never boast bc i felt bad that they didnt try bc they saw me, thought mines not gonna be like that so im just gonna fuck around and do whatever. and i obvs needed praise but would always feel bad bc it was obviously me who was the best in that class and its so self conceited but, it kinda just was true in that small class half of whom didnt want to be there. me butt kissin and trying to impress myself w my skill. catch like, that first day he asked us to draw the person next to us, and i made my partner draw me first, bc i just knew if i went first theyd look at it and draw me a potato stick figure in 5 seconds and say i cant draw like you. and true. while the rest of the class made sketchy circle guys, some looing so childish, here i went and said, okay i find it awkward having you stare at me and if you move a lot it makes it harder to be accurate, so, like take out your phone and get comfortable and look down at that for a while hence drawing3/4 unlike anyone else w eyes cast down and damn if i dont remember it being beautiful and identifiable as that friend, even tho the teacher told ppl around me like, ah yes she did it this way, 3/4 not face on which is much easier. which is true but bitch you never said. sides it looks so much better and was so much less frustrating. anyway, even now in that chat i go and like drop my drawings in bc partially i just wanna draw more and showing people makes me draw? u know. and i kinda wanna get compliments. but ive figured im pretty humble abt it. and sure i get comments that are like god i wish i could draw like that from someone that doesnt draw arms or legs and theyre v bublehead cartoon. and im like. you could. but yours is still middle school level, so just, keep working at it, get confidence to break your mold.

that andtheres this one chick that,,,, gawd, well they admit to being a sociopath in chat which is great and seem real attention seekery in general (theres a surprising amount of people, while in midst of rp and getting compliments go “well i guess im a shit rpr because nobody wants to rp with me ://) post art and then be like dramatically UGH i hate it it looks so bad im terrible at art, literally poster girl for fishing for compliments. and even if i dont like the style at all, i try give in anatomical pointers or smth abt the drapery or smth technical i can complement. bc id want the same i guess? and i dont love let alone like the art itself. and then, while getting so many of those theyre like “yeah well nobody likes my art, say it reminds them of this character (jessica rabbit while all hers have big hips big tits tiny waists massive lips massive eye, but just one eye bc the otehrs covered by hair like theres obvious similarities) which means im totally not original like i thought so why even try!” and other melodramatic things that i can argue, but they dont wanna hear it they want attention and praise and i just ughhh i could preach you about how no art is original and its all from influence, or how someone doesnt have to like your style to appreciate it, or someone might love your style and like. basic stuff ive figured out myself. and it gets frustrating trying not to get a superiority, or to start shoving my own art in there to try compete or smth. and its just. hard. idk. id k. i know theres people who are averse to art and never tried to be good at it who are obvs gonna be omg thats so good i cant even draw and ill be like, hah yeah sure dude if you tried maybe btut thanks.

also drawing man its so weird, whenever i see someone elses drawing a part of me goes “we must draw so that we can show were better than that” like, either to get complimetns and shift it to me? or to just show them off. to be like. i can do it better. which i kinda hate about myself? that i draw mostly bc of that and a need to show off? like amxxs art or smth, them talking like yeahh ugly art is good art, drawing is so healing i feel great or im so proud of myself for improivng so much look at my art, and a part of me goes, awh yes! my theorys proven working on art for yourself improves and can cheer you up, another goes, yesnow i must draw to show how good i am and show how i too feel fulfilled by drawing but also make it about me by weeping how i hate drawing myself. literally smths wrong w me seeing others pot abt their midrift, or learning to accept their curves or drawing themselves or smth, and theres a gremlin of me going like yeah but i cant draw myself bc i tried once and it looks like shit and ill only highlight my flaws and im slightly afraid of someone saying it looks exactly like me or other dumb shit, or i dont have curves to accept bcim not big hip big thic thigh girl im just. my legs are big but mostly ugly bc of the skin on them not bc of their size (ankles tho oof) and i have no hips i have no butt bc it allwent to my stoamch thats also ugly and my broad badly postured back thats also ugly w these spots and marks and scars soon probably. and saggy boobs dont forget those. bc theyre literally fat sacks aiming for the ground i guess. anyway. no cute curves, no beautiful skin no nth its just tough and i cant help but feel the negativity towards myself in almost every glimpse of someone elses positivity. i dont always air it which would be horrible of me to do, but its still there. making their happiness about my misery. maxx loves their boyfriend?> i hate them bc i dont like him and its rining it> i hate them havingsuch a dreamy but fake seeming ‘soulmate’ relationship bc its not true and i think itll end up terribly> im neveer gonna have that and im jealous of them i guess having someone theyd dedicate so much to and who loves them so much theyre all over the place making sappy things> well theyre an oveer romantic whod do it over the smallest things this wasnt a great example.

anyway yeah extra note, even if i felt comfortable enough for sex im not comfortable enough in my body for that and idk how thats relevant to anything but i guess thats smth id also talk w a therapist abt whod probably tell me, then dont have sex! like yeah thats my plan.but im talking never gonna be able to form a relationship bc even having a friend for a sleepover makes me uncomfortable having them see me in an uncontrolled clothed position. u feel.

anyway i have a lot of little problems that amount and i guess when i start addressing one the rest pop up their ugly heads and this is why i never getanywhere. this all comes from how shitty i feel from how i have literally not even 3 full days to complete those tasks and pass, and i know i need to, though nothing in me actually feels like itll actually do the work u know, that spiraled through that chat into privilige of being at school and how i should tryy a bit that turned to im priviliged to be smart to pass and in my talent in art despite not being an artist that spiraled to another way i disliked myself and thats my fucked relations to myself my body and relationships (esp including me that dont exist)

side note, though no surprise if for some ungodly reason youve read this shit i wrote at 8.30 am when i have a docs appointment abt my very ugly skin at 12.45 i over share. easily. if somseone asks id give them all. look at this. even in that chat i spiraled from, hah fun fucked up thing im almost failing my course bc im a shit, to my heads filled with fuzz and i hate that i cant live up to my potentia. and im surprised how much i like this one guy, though who with his character ripped into my athena and make me question all my smartness, really makes me feel better ooc??? like theyre genuinely nice and just too informed and funny and playing the dick for a very well thought out reason (drunk doesnt mean it etc) and while the sociopath gal is giving me the side eye after they tried to help but figured out im a prviliged kid whos in school for free and not making the most of it and how easy school has been forme when for them despite their hard efforts they failed high school.u know not reallly helping kinda making me fele worse bc i know i should be doing better and could be and not only bc i have a priviliged opportuntity to and ability, i would benefit so much more if i did it for myself. but here comes by weird guy who slips on a freudian approach and claims they love helping ppl through their problems so i drop another overshare paragraph if he rly wanted to help but lighten it by taking thetopic off, he doesnt return and never address my post bc now its onto talking abt the big rp thing. im not mad. i just, idk i kinda wanted their support, another poor stranger to inflict w my extremely troubled wordy lengthy and i guess complex thoughts and feelings and lack there of sometimes and other shit.

anyway im not doing great but im gonna grab 3 hrs of sleep before the doc, come back, nap, go to ballet again, come back, ad.... do smth.. work. maybe. one can hope. i hate it will it actually work only time can tell and i hate myself already.ugh. i hate i hate im not okya with this why cant someone else deal w me for me. deal with all these feelings and botherings and make me do my work and be satisfied doing it and do it all in time and feel a little success and reward myself like i should for work done and not just when i want. idk. someone,t ake over my life, you might be better at it. help me dela with school that i currently hate the most even if im meant to end up a scholar or smth

#rant time #bc i guess i need to vent out my feelings that are just annoyingly complex and i cant actually deal with them #aka i hate myself #but not like actively or aggressively #i prefer not think i exist but thats not even covered up above #just bullshit #dont read if youd like to keep your day being nice

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