#im just slow with everything ever
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new year new me (new spicynoodles fanart)
#this took 10 hours?? um i literally cannot tell u how#im just slow with everything ever#i go back to school tmrw this is my final hurrah as i hurdle towards burnout again#i love them so very much#lego monkie kid#lmk#lmk fanart#lego monkey kid fanart#lmk mk#mk lego monkie kid#red son lego monkie kid#red son lmk#mk lmk#lmk spicynoodles#spicynoodles fanart#monkie kid spicynoodles#spicynoodleshipping#astersstuff
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green beetle black beetle
#star wars#the original trilogy#boba fett#darth vader#hi. sorry for star war jumpscare. genuinely#i feel like ive kinda been on an art hiatus lately due to health stuff#i got diagnosed with a parathyroid disease recently (wahoo) so now i know why i have been feeling so bad! need more tests though#anyway. in the mean time most of the entertainment my brain can handle has been like. youtube clip compilations of shows and movies#not even the actual shows or movies. literally just sections of them on youtube#i wish i was joking#the only reason i know what happens in succession is because i have watched it in disjointed order in youtube compilations. not joking#anyway so ive learned a lot more about star wars than i ever. thought i would#mostly just the original trilogy and prequels. some of the old comics & books are interesting too#(sick to my stomach) i like darth vader he has like the same personality as ganondorf except he had no good reason for doing anything#when vader/anakin does literally anything weird or unacceptable it like. makes me laugh so hard its like jerma when he sees a car accident#boba fett’s costume design has been rotating in my head a lot too it’s very good#he’s very colorful and like. matte/unpolished compared to vader and it makes them a cool duo visually#those 2 are my favorites. vader why is the space cowboy the only person aside from sidious or tarkin who is allowed to get mad at you#sidious is my 3rd favorite. he sucks so bad as like a person that you just. you have no expectations of him except just being evil#so its just really funny like everything he does is horrible and he’s so happy all the time like good for him#i’m making it sound like ive never seen star wars before. i have i just never really cared about it until i got an endocrine disorder lmao#but yeah idk art may continue to be slow while im figuring out treatment stuff#if anyone reading this also has or has had hyperparathyroidism im wishing the strength & radiance of 1000 beautiful horses upon you
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⋆ ˚｡⋆୨♡୧⋆ ˚｡⋆
#today i thought about this a lot because#it was a veryyyy bad day noise wise#it goes up and down even if im generally easily disturbed by noise#but sometimes i feel more ok with it and can cope somewhat#but some days it is just extra bad and it is physically painful and im constantly stressed#today was one of those days where i almost just broke down and started screaming and crying#i managed not to. but god my upper body hurts a lot bc i get so tense and i cannot relax#all the CONSTANT noise is so painful lol#so yes i thought about it a lot today bc i was doing bad and i realized.. even if i already know#how like.. amazing it is that i can feel such a way .. and that in this existence a safe space for me does exist#his voice just does smth to me on metaphysical (is that the word?) and undescribable levels. it just /reaches/ me#it's so cool that i have physical reactions to just hearing the sound of his voice? i feel my heartbeat slow and my body relaxes and im like#idk how to explain but i feel soothed to my bones and my soul feels cradled. it's like his voice just erases everything else#i just think that is so amazing? like how can that be? how can i experience all of this inside of my existence?#im just in awe of how that can work. how this person's voice has such effects on my being. how it makes my hyper stressed body just feel#okay and calm and soft when i exist in the space of hearing his voice..#maybe i sound crazy :$ .. but thats just how i feel. like today when i was on a walk..#and omg it was noise overload it was crazy i felt my entire neck and throat and shoulders hurt so bad and i wanted to scream and rip my#hair out. i just kept imagining his voice and wanting to just be in that space and soothed state my body enters his voice alone puts me in#im not sure if thats weird or bad of me.. :c but thats just what happens!!! and selfishly i crave it!! i'd never be demanding or forceful#i have more than i couldve ever dreamed or asked for. i can listen and breathe and be ok. and i can imagine his voice too..#soft fluffy cloud that envelopes me.. maybe i *am* crazy or too intense but its just the truth#and ig what im trying to say it is that im infinitely thankful & grateful for this. that i can have felt this. & know it exists like wow??
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tonight's little doodles
#doodle#lcb#meursault lcb#meurgreg#im trying to be less self conscious about making meurgreg or any ship art really#twt has exposed me to everyone having an opinion on every ship ever#which has made me back away from making too much art of any one ship#i know meurgreg is one of the most popular ships but because of that i also feel an odd sense of guilt#i cant explain it like i should use my art to contribute to a rare pair or smth idk#its all a bit weird and irrational#but ive realized i have not been able to make art for myself for months#every idea i have and everything i go forward to draw im always thinking about how others will feel about it#and how i can make it better fit or adequate for an audience so i dont let them down or bore them#and that mindset has made art so much of a chore that ive significantly slowed down so much on art at all#so idk#trying to stop overthinking and just draw what i feel to the extent that i feel#escape the perfectionism and wanting to please everyone as much as possible#to elaborate on the weird meurgreg feeling i guess its like#i feel guilty for filling tags even more with an already popular ship & making mutuals who dont like meurgreg see it more#but its just not that deep#people can mute meurgreg and thats just not my problem anyway#sry ab these tags!
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*Gnawing on the bars of my cage because a totk roleswap au between Link and Zelda writes itself exhibit A*
Now that he needed her, could she be as fearless? No. She shook her head. Link wasn’t fearless. She knew better than anyone how much he feared letting others down. It was so severe that, way back before the Calamity, he would always eat the rock roast Daruk handed him. Though it had always given him horrid stomach aches and jaw pain, he couldn’t find it in his heart to decline Daruk’s offer, not wanting to hurt his feelings. Everyone else saw it as boldly stepping up to any challenge, but Zelda knew how much compassion and anxiety was twisted up behind Link’s motivation to swallow literal rocks. The point was, Link was not fearless. But his heart gave him the courage to overcome whatever challenge came his way.
#rose and rambles#prosie's writing adventures#totk roleswap au#DO YOU SEE#DO YOU SEE THAT FORESHADOWING IM SCREAMING#okay i literally just wrote this and its not anything majorly special but the point is DO YOU SEE MY VISION???!?!?!?!?!?!#DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!#LINK SACRIFICING EVERYTHING BECAUSE HE RISES TO ANY CHALLENGE#ZELDA GLUING OBJECTS TO WEAPONS TO MAKE THEM EASIER TO USE#USING HER WITS TO FACE ENEMIES#LINK FREAKING EATS ROCK ROAST CANONLY IN THE BOTW DLC OKAY#IN HYRULE WARRIORS URBOSA COMMENTS ON HOW HE RISES TO ANY CHALLENGE WHILE DARUK GIVES HIM MORE ROCKS#IM JUST SAYING#IM JUST FREAKING SAYING#anyway idk if i'll ever get anywhere with this because my writing is slow af lately but im itching to get to the dragon tear memories#i wanna write them so bad#im just so tired#and there's so much exposition#alas#please see my vision with me#take my hand#all of loz references to tears has accumulated to me writing this idea
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anyways, venting in the tags cause what else
#it’s not that i want to be dead#like logically it would suck#what would happen to my dog?#and it would make everyone’s lives so much more difficult#but also#like realistically#it’s all i want#i want to run off the road#or i want to lay in the street#or maybe id be even more discreet about it#id just dress in dark colors and go for a walk at night#and id cross the street too slow#and id pretend i don’t see the car coming#but god how id traumatize whoever was driving#i don’t want that#i just don’t want to keep going#im not allowed to ever be less than i currently am#i start functioning at less than 150% and everyone gets upset w me#im not a good enough caregiver#and i can’t get the chores done#and im so busy with everything else that i can’t focus on the things that affect me#like how i have to move in a month#and i don’t know what my housemates are doing#and i don’t know where people are going#and im so scared#and i don’t have a job#im fucking it all up#i know there could be a future where things are okay again#but i have no friends#and that future is so far away
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#meg talks#feeling really down and frustrated#ever since i caught covid over the new year ive just been doing so badly#it’s now halfway through may and not only am i having all sorts of weird new pain problems#to the point where i dragged myself to the er yesterday bc my usual meds didn’t do shit for me and i spent seven hours writhing in pain#but also mentally im just. constantly tapped out#before covid i was able to keep up w news and work on research projects and write multiple image descriptions every day and read books#and keep up w friends all while working full time#like even if i was in bed p much whenever i wasn’t at work i could still read and write and carry conversations#now it’s like i can only handle all of these things in small doses before my brain just shuts off#im still keeping up w news and describing what i can and working on my research projects and trying to make connections#but i feel so slow abt everything i do#it’s driving me up the wall#ive been trying for days to get through this one academic paper that’s rlly not even that long#and i just can’t do it. not for long anyway i have to read in small bursts#and then having to take muscle relaxants for these fucking spasms that make me really drowsy and sleep the whole day away…#idk. it might not even be abt covid i might be reading too much into it but it’s just pissing me off. thinking abt how nobody masks anymore#and how every time there’s a covid outbreak i won’t be able to properly protect myself or my brothers from it#bc of this fuckass job#idk im just tired and upset
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aughhhh. aughhhhhjhhhh
#everhoneignore this post classic rant post i don't have real problems everyone can move along#truly have had such a bad couple of days here and i am not even close to finishing the assignments i need to finish in welding being in#clsss makes me want to quit and die i don't know why i'm so slow i don't know why everyone else can intuit this stuff and improve and#understand how to do it and im always always falling behind if i could try harder wouldn't i be able to do that ive got no drive to push#myself at all i guess i like the english and i can do the physics i thought i at least liked drafting and metals fabrication but i feel so#stupid everything i do makes me feel so stupid and my teacher talks to me like i'm always doing everything wrong when i do some classroom#ettiquette breaches that everyone else does too and i can't get myself to go to sleep on time can't get myself to go in early i have hours#and hours and hours and i blink and it's gone and i've done nothing i should've welded today and gone in early to draft but i didn't because#im stupid and im slow and i can't do anything right i have always been able to square away a little bit of pride on being precise on doing#things well because people are always telling me that i am but i am below average here i just can't do things right and i feel like everyone#hates me and thinks i'm obnoxious and i don't know how to interface with my class or my teacher or how to improve or how to be less anxious#and i feel even stupider for that because i am so stuck up not being able to deal with even a little bit of failure or issue or hardship#and everyone around me is sick all my classmates and people in my dorm are sick im sure it's covid they haven't said it's covid but none of#them would test and i've been wearing a mask again but im certainly been exposed to it already and no one else is wearing a mask anyway so#what difference does it even make and i can hear them coughing in my dorm and in the classroom and when i go to get food and i miss seeing#my friends from philly and everuthing will be terrible forever and ever#alex talks
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#i can't live like this anymore.#no matter what happens it's always my fault. it can never be anyone else's. and when i try to contest that i get treated like a rabid dog#so youre saying the only role im fit for is 'alcoholic shut in?' is that what you're implying? because that's what it seems like#i can't believe i ever fooled myself into thinking anything would change as long as im here.#no matter how much medication i take this town will always make me fantasize about making myself suffer.#it's a black hole. it's a well of misery. no light escapes and it taints everything inside. i can't have anything good here#i know there's something wrong with me. i get it. but it's like being here makes it worse#im a bad person. i don't want to be a good person. it doesn't feel bad. it just feels warm.#but i can take that and put it in a box when im not here. but its like this place IS the box and when im here it just festers#and because of that i can't ever be taken seriously when i have a problem. im always too emotional and too angry and too sensitive#and even if I wasn't any of those things they wouldn't take me seriously anyway.#it's one thing to say your kitchen doesn't have a problem with women and it's another thing entirely to stay true to that.#if a ticket is too slow it's my fault. if the temp on a steak is wrong it's my (female) coworker's fault. if something's not organized#it's one of the girls that left it that way. always.#but whenever the guys have problems it's 'just how it is' but when uts any of us it warrants a talking to every time#if i were normal it wouldn't bother me this much but im not and it does. and no amount of reasoning will ever change a man's mind#this was good while it lasted but i need to leave. my life depends on it. i can't survive here.
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most beautiful online friendship ever started on deviantart and will soon evolve into trolling anyone we can get a reaction out of on roblox THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL
#txt#'i get banned from free draw for trolling people all the time lol.' I MISS TROLLING ON FREE DRAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW#it was so funny#i never went out of my way to do it bc i was just there to draw#but id argue with 11 year olds who scribbled on my art and it was so funny#I MISS IT#i tried playing on free draw again for the first time in like. a year recently#but my laptop is too slow to handle both roblox AND my drawing tablet lol#and im sick of doodling on my phone... sigh#if she ever wanted me to troll on free draw with her i would drop everything and do it#itd be so beautiful#i wonder if she has roblox vc...#i keep getting warnings over my language
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i already knew about roy’s wattrel evolving because people on twitter were comparing it to gliscor’s evolution and claiming it’s the same thing and it’s kinda amusing to me because liiiiike. gliscor didnt really invent the concept of evolving to save your trainer, thats literally a potential reading for charizard’s evolution. when i compare later pokeani moments back to gliscor i hope im implying properly that it’s all mostly just a bit. like im not actually saying dracovish is just like gliscor because it also refused to be recalled in an important battle so it could fight to the end.
that being said gliscor’s evolution was like a million times better than kilowattrel’s lol
#last batch of horizons eps were sorta eh to me (minus the friede one that was cool)#(minus ann being barely in the ep. i feel like her meeting up with the gang couldve been its own episode#rather than just the backdrop for friede’s plotline)#im personally chalking it up to just the anime slowing down for a sec tho. im assuming its picking up again#what with the elite 4. this seems to be the trend with hz#buuuuut idk. i kinda wanna wait til ive rewatched the eps that are currently out#not considering my rewatch done til im completely caught up#echoed voice#anyways back to kilo…. idk both evolutions that happened didnt quite feel earned#like wattrel is just kinda insecure in the episode but it just kinda… evolves with no training? its also barely been used in the show#feel like they just evolved a few team members to keep things interesting ig#side note i want them to pull a brionne and just have crocalor only be around for like 10 eps#before it evolved again bc i dont care for crocalor#like. back to comparing it to gliscor- her evolution was built up throughout the episode#and she went through some trials and getting kidnapped and bondong#bonding more with ash in the process#and theyd had more moments with her in between the capture and the evolution to justify it. the episode literally happens#bc pauls gliscor fucked her shit so badly a few episodes before#have i ever talked abt how thats just genuinely such a well written episode all around. like god they had gary and everything#remember when gary being in an episode made the episode better instead of making me feel nothing. i miss that#compared to that kilowattrel just kinda. happens. wattrel is insecure and then it saves roy and now its just better#sorry kilo you got kinda cursed by having ppl compare you to gliscor and thats not fair to you but it wont stop me
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🧸♡ ⋆｡˚
#it actually does make such a huge difference omg im like ... feels like i got thrown into the floor lost my breath#having someone i like so much to talk to abt things#and share stuff and details abt not only my days but their days too#and talking abt like books that we read or shows/movies we saw and etc etc#sending pics. sending voice messages. all of that#that was so amazing wth???#it sounds like such a mundane thing but it changed my enire baseline. it wasnt a littel thing to me#i didnt share as much as i wanted to because it takes me longer to settle into smth like this#or any kind of connection/correspondence/bond/rapport#im slow bc im so scared of ppl. scared of trusting. scared of opening up. rejection rejection all of that#yeah.. takes me a lot longer than the average person to settle into smth like this#avpd is its own special hell...#i miss it a lot and i wish there hadnt been all the other circumstances so i could've actually relaxed into it#and come out of my shell completely. which i was almost there. now that mental block is gone but it's too late....#i take too long... it is impossible to be patient with me. i really hate everything abt my brain#my desire overtook my fear and it was quicker than it ever has but not enough.. :(#i miss it sm and it made me feel so so much lust for life..#but it's gone now and i can really feel the loss of it#i wouldve done anything i could to save it. or nurture it. or whatever. but it was a sacred treasure to /me/.#it doesnt matter if i try to put out the flames in a burning house if the house is gone and there are actually only the flames left#and since to me it is so special. and like. the fact that this even happened is crazy to me stuff like this feelings and connection never#happen to me. it's like.. special to talk to someone u like & have an established rapport with on a regular basis#and tell them stuff and rant abt like a book or whatever. ask them details abt their life bc u know them and enjoy knowing them#i cant just transfer all of this to someone else. i dont feel like yapping abt the book im reading into the void or someone i barely know#i just dont know... i need that sm and it was so amazing w someone i like sm. & it makes me sad i takes me too long to get fully comfortable#bc of this time were it was the most intense and long lasting for me but also im in love lmao. but other times too...#i take too long and why would someone wanna wait like actually a year (which is how long it often takes me to pass a certain barrier)#im not special. im nothing that great. it is easy to find someone else who is x1000 better than me and wont take an eternity to warm up#i just feel so sad bc i try so hard and then all of my effort just goes down the drain and then i have to do it again if i meet someone#then they'll leave me behind too and get tired of me and not like what they see and then im back at square 1 again
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#guess who's goin nutso crazy over the same guy again. ya its me JDJJDDJJDJDNDNDNX#things have been Progressing. n like this is slow burn territory so its like a . ... he messaged me first outta the blue. ABOUT SCHOOL.#BABY STEPS. ...#god i cant believe i may have met a guy who's as slow as me JDJDJDDJDJDDJDJDJD#im frustrated but im also like enjoying it.#and like maybe him messaging me doesnt seem like a big deal but OH IT IS. IT ISSS.#like woth him.... this is an Accomplishment#he also like... waits for me after class so we can walk together#he used to JET out the room like a rocket#but god... GOD. he waited all last week for me. oh i like him sooooo muchhhhh#n i hope its mutual#n e way HDJDJJDJDJDJDJDJD#this isnt even far but to me its like.... the farthest ive ever got with a guy ive liked this much#which isnt really saying anything JDJDJDJDJJDJD but only bc ive never liked someone so much b4. hes just so cute. like just everything about#him !!!!@@@ like even when hes grumpy n complaining im like oh ur so cute... (in my head of course JDJDJDJDJDJ)#personal
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met an angel in the horror section of the bookstore
#i got nervous. i hope she knows i was awestruck by her and just Really Shy . sorry to everyone ever but especially this lady#she actually did this stance btw. it was Everything to me#btw the freak book was just ok but it does have frogman sex in it which is why its a freak book Even for horror likers#my partner was w me but LEFT to go look at gns. this is unfair he rly tried to get me to talk to her but i was SCARED and STARSTRUCJK#anyways sorry for being slow on rqs i promise im doing them#my art#my sona
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when gerard way said “when i grow up i want to be nothing at all” i felt those words in my gdamn soul bro
#cried alone in my car parked in my driveway for like 17 minutes#i feel so hopeless and useless and stupid so so so stupid i’ll never be smart enough like the other nurses#i can’t fucking think im too slow i don’t know anything#it’s the emergency room and god for fucking bid i have an emergent patient i don’t know wtf to do ever#i don’t know how to initiate protocols or contact interdisciplinary or put in complex orders i don’t know anything i’m so useless#everyone thinks i’m stupid i’ve been on orientation for like 2 months know and i’m still the same useless stupid novice airhead new grad#i just get so frazzled i feel like everyone expects so much out of me and i have to be perfect to meet their standards#but im stupid im subpar im not good enough like them like#ever if they’ve been nurses for years and i’ve only been working as one for legit 2 months it’s just i still don’t know how to do anything#it’s like i can’t think i don’t do things how they want me to do them and then i look stupid im the attending doctor thinks i’m so dumb but#she wouldn’t even hear me out like i know you want both fluids running i know it’s important but he only has.1 IV and they aren’t compatible#we’re trying to start a second IV and he had difficult veins like why are you trying to tell me i’m stupid i know why you ordered it thatway#it’s like nobody gets my dumbass brain but that’s not their fault bc they can think clearly and convey their thoughts to people without#sounding like a fucking dumbass i have no critical thinking skills im just useless i hate this so much i don’t want to be here it sucks#i never wanted to be a nurse i never wanted to be anything i was 12 years old hoping i’d be dead by 18#and now i’m 23 and i’m still fucking here but it’s clear i shouldn’t be i don’t fit in im not fit for society#i should be euthanized like an unwanted dog that’s been at the shelter for too long that’s exactly what i am#20min later still crying can’t stop being a fucking crybaby pitypartying myself i’m the worst oh my god grow the fuck up already#why is everything so difficult for me why can’t i just fit in literally everyone knows i don’t belong#i’m the dumbest most useless new grad orientee and EVERYONE knows it even management it’s so embarrassing#i’m so embarrassed to be alive and take up space that could be filled by someone so much better smarter prepared someone meant to be there#i don’t want this i don’t want any of this i never wanted to grow up im just a kid in my head i’m so pathetic#i wish i was smart and good at something i wish people looked at me and thought o wow i respect her bc she’s also a good nurse#nobody likes me i’m such a burden to everyone the doctors my preceptors other nurses who deserve to be there#i’m leaking snot everywhere today wasn’t even that bad but i think it’s all just hitting me now how helpless i am#i’m so tired of myself and waking up and making a fool of myself every shift fucking stupid loser i hate myself i try so hard and it’s not#it’s not enough it’s never enough im not enough im an imposter i’ll never be as good as the other nurses even tho i’m really really trying#i seriously don’t want to do this anymore i don’t want to be here i can’t do it everyone knows i’m not cut out for this they all talk shit#ramblings
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i have. 35 attacks left. to revenge. ive gotten like. 15 out of 45 or smth i dont remembor the number
i naur realistically i dont have to revenge them all but also. i really really do love and appreciate the arts wahhhh. i want to hang all of them on my wall to look at forever. and i def want everyone to know i appreciate and that every art is rlly meaningful to me 🥺
#me looking at friends whoeve warned me ahead of time 🫣#dont get me wrong its so fun but also im trying not to burn myself out so im taking it slow WAHHH#my goal rn is focus on mutuals and friends. then the rest#im motivated fr though. i just dont want get art block and get tired halfway thru by trying to rush thru everything#i shall do what i. can. i am excited though#bee buzzes#also i cant even explain the overwhelming inspiration seeing my characters in dif styles and takes has on me ???#i licherally want to draw all of them immediately. like this is the biggest motivator ever its insane#like me taking breaks from artfight by doing some enako stuff. and tbh i think its really great. ive been messing more with backgrounds#and environments and etc etc#i think its perhaps been the best ive been in a long time? experimentally too. and im having fun! i feel less... stuck and so s unmotivated#and the best part is that its all been really fun. geniunely. if anything im proud of myself thinyear#this year i mean
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