#im not allowed to ever be less than i currently am

[uwugenides]

anyways, venting in the tags cause what else

[blitzyn]

rookie mistake

dottore x m!reader

Request: Requests are open right? I hope so 🤞 Would I be able to ask for a sub!(male/amab)reader X dom!dottore? With some blackmail and coercion, preferably leaning towards dubious consent but I’m am a-ok with non-con elements, with a fatui/subordinate reader? If you could add in a small scene of him continuing while talking with someone outside the door that’s be awesome 😎 - Anonymous

Synopsis: You accidentally invade Dottore's office in search of intel.

a/n -> yall i know that i said i was on the fence about writing for genshin, but it was dottore and i love him plus i really liked this idea despite it having collected dust in my inbox for decades. whoever requested this: i love your mind and im so sorry it took me forever to decide to write this!! but just a reminder to whoever sees this, i will not be writing for fontaine unless stated otherwise!!

wc -> 3.6k

cw -> non-con, blackmail, coercion, blowjob, deepthroat, literally getting caught, spit as lube, anal fingering, anal sex, standing doggy position, fatuus/infiltrator reader, guys he calls you a rat because you're a spy, not beta read

Your job was straightforward. But it was also one of the most grueling missions you've ever been assigned to.

With your status as an elite spy, you were tasked with infiltrating the Fatui as one of their ranks to gather information regarding the locations and purposes of specific forts to prevent potential attacks and keep the organization from acquiring knowledge valuable to their cause.

There was absolutely no room for error, lest you get caught and pay for that mistake with your life.

Fortunately enough, the mask everyone was required to wear (with the exception of the Harbingers) concealed your identity, allowing you to execute your orders with relative ease. Of course, it wasn't completely simple. You had to fight your way up the ranks in order to even get a hint of the plan from your superiors, which took years to even get recognized for your efforts.

Several times have you had to go against your moral compass. Several times, you doubted your abilities and questioned if you were even making a dent in the Fatui's plans. Although, when you heard a faint argument due to a lack of resources, you knew you were on the right track.

But one day, you noticed that an agent's office door was left unlocked. There was no one in the hallways, and not a soul knew that you had stolen an important document that recorded data for some valuable supply that you didn't care enough to read about.

Making sure you tucked the paper deep inside your coat pocket, you strained your ears to ensure you were alone before taking the risk and entering the isolated office. It looked like your standard room. Boring, silent, and strangely barren of many decorations. You took a moment to inspect the area before deciding to take a step forward when your blood suddenly ran cold.

"I don't use this office very often," a voice said from behind you. You just about jumped out of your skin, swiveling your head to the person behind you. It took you a moment to put a face to the name you'd heard so many times before, but when you did, you quickly regretted your decision to search for any additional information. "But even so, don't you think it's rude to invade someone's personal space?"

You froze, unable to find the right words. Nothing could explain why you were currently snooping around in an office that wasn't yours—much, much less when it belonged to the Second of the Eleven Harbingers.

You inwardly cursed your naive eagerness to do more than you were asked. Your years of experience as a spy should've kept you from making such a rookie mistake, and now all your work was going down the drain.

The two of you stared at each other for what felt like an eternity, fighting the urge to fidget at the overwhelming feeling of his gaze on you, analyzing your appearance. He broke the silence with a hum, neither intrigued nor entirely disappointed.

"I have heard others spread rumors of a mole within our ranks but thought nothing more of their words as an excuse for their inability to secure our resources," Dottore mused, raising a hand to his chin. "I assume that the mole is you?"

You couldn't bring yourself to reply. Your throat was dry, and your stomach twisted into knots. Not that he cared.

"I must applaud your efforts," he said, a slight smirk decorating his pale face. "Not many people evade our eyes so easily, and for as long as you have."

"But, a word of advice—" He reached into his pocket, pulling out a familiar device. He presented it to you, watching in amusement when you suddenly patted yourself down before looking back up towards him. It was the device you used to contact your organization. "—Make sure you clean up after yourself. It's impolite to leave your items lying around."

You don't remember dropping it or forgetting it somewhere. But that didn't matter anymore. You were stuck in the present with no way of getting out of this situation.

He flipped the device over, dully inspecting it as he continued talking. "After going through your data log, it wasn't hard figuring out what you were going for next. While this normally wouldn't spark any interest in me, this resource just so happens to be vital in my current experiment, and I can't have you tampering with my results."

He walked forward, stopping just a few feet in front of you. He was close enough for you to inhale his scent of sterile rubbing alcohol and metal. It made your nose burn as you watched him intently, tensing and fighting the urge to back away out of fear of angering him somehow. The document in your pocket felt unusually heavy.

"Although, I didn't expect such a seasoned spy like yourself to make such an amateur move," he hummed, ignoring your need for personal space to pull your mask off. And you were helpless against it all. "[Name] [L.Name], is it? Why don't you read the paper you have right now?"

That's when you knew you fucked up big time.

With a shaky hand, you reached into your coat pocket to pull out the report, unfolding it only to realize that it wasn't a report at all. It was a blank piece of paper. But you could've sworn there was writing on it when you grabbed it earlier!

He could see the confusion on your face clear as day as a laugh left his lips, tapping a rolled-up piece of parchment on the tip of your nose to regain your attention. "I believe this is what you're after." With a flick of his wrist, he unfurled the paper that contained everything you needed.

"What—" you gasped, briefly staring at your paper before looking back up.

"It's a shame you didn't think to check the ink before you took it," he said, faux disappointment laced in his voice before it reverted back to its normal tone just as fast. "The ink 'disappears' when subjected to anything higher than room temperature. When you put it in your pocket, your body heat, coupled with the insulation from your coat, affected the writing and turned it invisible."

Fuck.

He planned this out.

You swallowed nervously, taking a deep inhale to steel your nerves, even when it didn't do much to help you. "How... how long have you known?" you couldn't help but ask.

"Not long, really," Dottore casually replied, as if he didn't hold your entire life in the palm of his hand. "I caught you just in time."

"Now," he said with a voice that demanded your attention. Not that he needed to try, anyway. His very presence was almost impossible to ignore. "I'm willing to offer you two options. One, I hand this device over to one of my lovely agents and have them torture you for answers then promptly dispose of you. Or, two—" He waved the communicator in the air, taunting you. "—I have you make it up to me."

It was obvious which one you'd be more tempted to accept, but you knew that accepting an offer such as this from Dottore, of all people, was not a good idea. He knows he has you right where he wants you.

"The second one. I... I'll make it up to you." The words tasted like acid as you forced them out, watching a pleased smirk rise on his face.

"Good," he muttered mostly to himself. Leisurely, he turned around and walked towards the door, shutting it before refocusing back on you.

"Get on your knees," he ordered, placing his hands behind his back as he waited for you to move. He observed silently as you obeyed, staring at the floor in shame. "Crawl to me."

He sighed impatiently upon seeing the conflicted and perplexed expression on your face. "You want to be a rat so badly, don't you? So get down and crawl to me like one."

You were given no choice but to comply despite the absurdity of his request. Hanging your head, you inched forward as the cold, wooden floors painfully dug into your knees, stopping once the sight of his boots came into view. You held back a flinch when you heard the fabric of his clothes rustle as he leaned down to lift your head up by your hair, forcing you to your knees.

Instantly, your eyes zeroed in on the prominent bulge in Dottore's pants, making you painfully aware of what he wanted you to do next. With a suspiciously gentle tug, he brought you slightly closer to him. You could tell he was getting impatient.

"Well?" He questioned, a frown gracing his features. "You don't need instructions. Go on."

You glanced up at him with blatant disgust in your eyes before raising your hands to undo his pants and reveal his semi-hard cock. You suppressed a grimace as you held it in your hand, steeling your nerves just enough to be able to lick a stripe down the side. Flattening your tongue, you moved back up to take the tip in your mouth, letting your saliva slip past the corners of your lips to lubricate the rest of his dick.

You half-assed it all, not bothering to take it all the way down or, at the very least, use your tongue. However, Dottore caught on quick enough with an annoyed sigh. You supposed you shouldn't have been surprised when he tangled his fingers into your hair and shoved you down, but you were caught off guard either way.

You were embarrassed to hear a loud gag sound from you, choking and sputtering on his cock whenever the tip of it slid down your throat. You dug your nails into his thighs when he suddenly shifted and pressed the sole of his boot onto your dick, letting out a muffled cry that only served to please him. He made no move to rub it against you, simply keeping it firmly on your crotch—to keep you in line, you assumed.

You squirmed, internally cringing at the feeling of your drool seeping out the corners of your lips. Fluttering your eyes shut, you tried to focus on your breathing. In and out, in and out, in and—

"Don't look away," he said, refusing to give you a moment of respite, shoving his cock all the way inside your mouth, harshly tugging on your hair at the same time. He fucked your face, ignoring your sounds of protest as he battered your throat. He laughed at your struggle, entertained with the way your tears gathered at your lash line.

"Awh, is this too much for you?" He taunted, shifting his hand to the back of your head to push you down to the base. He sighed contentedly at the feeling of your throat tightening and spasming around him, gently rocking his hips. "You should've thought that through before you accepted the job."

With a painful tug, he pulled you off of his cock. A trail of saliva connected you to him, which you quickly broke when you turned your head to cough into your elbow. He ordered you to get up, unwilling to wait a second before he hauled you up by your arm impatiently. He effortlessly moved your body, pressing your cheek against the wooden door as he pushed on your back, forcing it to arch.

Deeming your position acceptable, he tucked his fingers underneath the waistband of your pants to yank them down to your knees. Your breath hitched at the sudden change in temperature, refusing to lean back and seek any warmth from Dottore.

With one hand on your hip, the other strayed toward your ass, spreading it to inspect your hole. It took effort to keep yourself from fidgeting under his gaze, and you opened your mouth in a daring attempt to get him to hurry up when he suddenly spat on your hole, shoving two fingers inside soon after.

You let out a grunt, clawing at the door he had you lean against. It was an uncomfortably foreign sensation but you were in no position to struggle. A burning sensation emanated from your hole as his fingers forced their way inside, wasting no time to move in a scissoring motion. They brushed against a spot that sent sparks up your spine every so often, taunting you wordlessly.

"You're enjoying this," Dottore said, not as a question or comment, but as a statement. And the worst thing was, he was right. No matter how much your mind made you hate it, your body told a different tale.

You let out a displeased sigh, pressing your forehead against the cold door, not daring to make your words known. Not that he minded. He enjoyed forcing your reactions out of you just as much as having them given to him without a fight.

He made it known with a jab to your prostate, sending a shock up and down your spine so suddenly it nearly made your knees buckle. That was all he gave you before abruptly pulling away, leaving you uncomfortably empty until the quiet ptuh! sound of him spitting on his cock filled your ears.

Fuck. This was actually happening. And you had no way out.

In a last ditch effort to maintain your dignity, you tried to push yourself off of the door but was quickly pressed—borderline slammed—back down with a hand to the back of your neck.

"I don't think you'll enjoy the alternative," he said, the undertones of irritation and impatience evident in his voice. He squeezed the sides of your neck hard enough to ensure your compliance, nearly scowling when you shifted in place. "So be still and behave like a good little thing."

Without missing a beat, he lined the tip of his cock up against your slick asshole and pushed his way inside, forcing a strained cry from your throat. He made sure it hurt, purposefully moving slowly to make you feel every inch and vein.

You whimpered, trying to breathe and calm yourself down. The stretch fucking hurt and you instinctively shifted your hips forward in a futile attempt to ease the pain when Dottore held your hips to yank you back, shoving the last few inches inside you.

You let out a strangled groan, biting your lower lip to stifle your noises as searing pain tore through you. You breathed heavily through your nose, feeling the weight of disgust settle in your chest when you heard him sigh in satisfaction at how tight you were. You winced when he pulled out slowly, only for him to slam back inside with a loud slap.

You jolted, just about ramming your head against the door in surprise. You grit your teeth and pressed a hand against it as the wood audibly creaked and groaned under your weight when he began to move. You tensed upon hearing faint voices beyond the door, peering back over your shoulder in a pathetic attempt to get him to stop.

"W—Wait," you muttered, breath hitching. "There's someone outside...!"

"Then I suppose you're just going to have to be quiet," he replied with an upward quirk to his lips before angling himself in a way that made his cock press up against you just right. You were disgusted to feel heat beginning to pool in your gut, forcing moans past your lips no matter how hard you tried to stop them. You covered your mouth with a hand as you listened to the noises approach. Dottore was (somewhat) merciful enough to press his pelvis against your ass, though that didn't stop him from rocking his hips to cruelly grind his cock into your prostate.

"Dottore?" It took you a moment to process the voice as electricity shot up and down your spine, trying your damn best to stifle your whimpers. "Are you in there?"

It's Pantalone, you recognize.

"Yes. Is there something you need from me?" Dottore replied, shifting his hold on you to start shallowly thrusting. You squeezed your eyes shut, listening to the painfully loud squelching.

"Not at the moment. I thought I heard something... else," Pantalone hummed with a knowing tone, sending a wave of mortification through your body.

"Then if that is all, I'd prefer it if you left," Dottore said, his amusement clear as day in his voice. He didn't even try to hide it as he gave you a punishing thrust, the resounding slap mixing in with your moan as it echoed off the walls. "I'm busy."

A laugh came from behind the door. "Very well. I'll leave you to it."

Dottore refused to wait for him to leave when he started again, this time fucking you so hard you were convinced there'd be a bruise. His fingers dug into your skin, yanking you back in time with his thrusts.

Your legs shook and you bit your lip until you bled, but it hardly did a thing to silence you.

"Look at you," Dottore mused, reaching around to hold your aching cock in his hand. He gave it a squeeze before jerking off the top half, focusing on the tip. "You were never meant to be a spy. You'd be so much better off as my little pet, wouldn't you agree?"

You let out a loud moan, instinctively looking down. You didn't even realize you were so hard, but as you watched the head of your cock drool precum onto the ground, everything felt twice as intense.

"N—No!" You choked out, clawing desperately at the creaking door. "I'll never—I'll never be your pet!"

"No?" Dottore laughed, sounding so unbothered it sent a spike of fear through you, reminding you of just how fucked you were. Swiftly, he swiped his fingers over the tip of your cock before bringing his hand up to push them into your mouth, making you taste your precum. With the palm of his hand, he pressed it against your chin to force your head back.

You let out a groan, feeling the strain on your upper back and neck as you stared at him with fear and disgust.

"I'm afraid you don't have a choice," he reminded, pulling out the communicator with his other hand. He slightly shook it, taunting you. "Don't you remember that actions have consequences?"

He pocketed the device as he slid his hand away from your mouth to bring it to the back of your neck, holding it tightly as he harshly pressed you against the cold wood. The side of your face ached, but, much to your horror, the pain only went straight to your cock.

"So just stand there and enjoy it," he said with a groan, his dick pulsing rhythmically as he savored the sensation of your walls clamping tightly around him. "Don't fight how much you like this."

"I don-" Just then, he rammed his cock into your prostate over and over, reducing you into a babbling mess that only proved his point.

Your eyes burned with unshed tears, ashamed that you loved the feeling of him so deep inside you, but you hated that it was him fucking you. You could feel the heat in your stomach intensify with each harsh thrust, feel the way your balls tightened in a way you knew you couldn't stop.

"Please..." you whimpered, weak against the wet slapping sounds that filled the office. "I don't want to...!"

You came with a whorish moan, arching your back as your cock spilled cum onto the floor. You could hear the sound of Dottore's laugh through the haze of your orgasm as sparks coursed through your veins, knees nearly buckling.

"Yes you do," he groaned, voice slightly strained. You could faintly hear his labored breathing the closer he got to his own orgasm, noticing the way his movements grew sloppier and weaker. He reached around again, jerking you off despite the lurking overstimulation.

You tightened, sending him right over the edge as he slammed his cock inside you a final time, pressing himself flush against your ass as he came. It was uncomfortably warm as he throbbed in time with each spurt, savoring the way you practically tried to milk him dry.

But he didn't let it last long as he pulled out with a satisfied sigh, enjoying the sight of you, shaky and vulnerable, before him. He graciously gave you a moment before commanding you to fix yourself, stepping back to adjust his own appearance.

"Now," he said, sternly, like he didn't just fuck you within a damn inch of your life. "Why don't you send a message to your organization stating that you're not going back."

He handed you the communicator with a smug smirk, relishing in your distress. Taking in a deep breath to steel your nerves, you accepted the device, reluctantly typing in a message before returning it back to him with regret written on your face.

"Oh, don't look so upset," he pouted, pocketing the device. You weren't sure when you'd see it again. "It'll be easier for you if you cooperate."

He made his way past you, opening the door, sending shivers down your spine at the sudden chill. "But right now, you have a lot of work to do."

cross-posted on ao3

[a-big-chicken-nerd]

can we get more info on the movie ice emperor (i am sickly obsessed with the ice chapter and the ninjago movie. i will kill a man for more of the funny guy if needed)

WOOHOO OKAY im glad you asked i think about him constantly

first of all im open for ideas on what movie!neverrealm is like because im having a hard time coming up with anything but currently what ive sort of vaguely got is that its just more technologically advanced (not modern though) (like. mid to late 1800s-ish??)

vex is pretty much the same in personality except now hes british and is like a tired single parent

anyway ice emperor

hes not allowed to leave his throneroom and no one but vex is allowed inside the throneroom "for his safety" (its actually because hes so silly and un-royaltylike and vex worries no one will take the ice emperor seriously if they actually meet him)

he has a lot more energy than show!emperor and is constantly bored

internally watches his movie collections a LOT. from the outside it looks like hes just wandering around his throneroom and stopping to stare at nothing for about an hour, going over to a new spot and staring off again for another two hours

makes vex watch movies with him sometimes. ice emperors favorite movies are the star wars prequels, which vex also thought were cool at first but got sick of them after being forced to watch them like 45 different times throughout the years

makes tracks with ice around the throneroom to roll down on his heelies. vex will come in to a whole icy skatepark setup and the ice emperor will be like "crowd_cheering.mp3 VEX CHECK THIS OUT" and roll down a single ramp and immediately fall over and vex just has to clap and go "wow my lord that was so "sick""

vex HAS to hang out with ice emperor and try to keep him entertained or he will get bored & lonely and throw a fit and freeze everything in the castle

ice emperor is falling apart because he isnt made of titanium like show!emperor is, like whatever his outer layer is made of isnt handling the low temperatures and years of no maintenance very well at all. the armor and the mask is to hide all the damage . whether or not that makes him more or less creepy looking is up to personal opinion

he broke the Ten Billion Lumen Light in the throneroom on accident :[

and of course: BOREALL movie!boreal is a dragon but he acts like a big kitty. he is just lazy and doesnt listen to anyone except ice emperor and is usually lounging around on the castle roof.

will do what the ice emperor says but only takes the command as a suggestion. he gets distracted easily and takes shortcuts so he can be done and go back to napping

LOVES getting scritched behind the horns

uses the castle walls as a scratching post

he would LOVE the big laser pointer

the only time ice emperor can ever leave his throneroom is to go on the roof to tell boreal to do stuff (they always end up playing and hanging out for ages instead)

ice emperor makes big ice mice for boreal to chase around and catch

the ninja didnt have to kill boreal in this au. they saw this big wyvern displaying kitty behaviors and were like "oh yeah this is just like meowthra" and (very easily) distracted and befriended him. he got a lot of behind-the-horn scritches that day

im glad u guys seem to like movieverse emperor too because he just kind of kicked down the door of my brain one day and made himself at home and refuses to leave

[iwannascreameurekaa]

A giant list of fics in the making

Being written to POST

Junior Year

Chapter 15 and on. I'm trying to figure out to get to the end of the school year in that fic.

Valgrace in Tartarus (no title yet)

First chapter is almost fully written. It's going to have about 40 chapters total and I want to write the whole thing out before I post anything about it so it might take a while sorry!

Where Art Thou, Emilio?

Romeo and Juliet but it's valgrace! Almost want to fully write this before I post anything so it might take even longer because I cannot for the life of me find an easily accessible and readable translation of the play :(

A fic about valgrace first kiss (not titled yet) based off a tumblr post I have been unable to find :(

Basically about valgrace trying to have their first kiss but Leo keeps burning Jason's lips 

Sequel fic to Realization, is it You? 

Qinter fic but this one is a time skip to the end of the tenth book and it's winter perspective 

Back To Life

My valgrace angst series that has two works so far and I'm working on more!

Being written but unable to post 

Use your body

I have the 4th chapter done. I am in agony that I can't post on the fic. 5th chapter is halfway done and there's supposed to be about 11/12 chapters in total and most of them are half written already. Can't promise that anything will be posted on this fic any time soon I'm trying to work it out! Again I'm very sorry.

Two solangelo one shots that go together (smut) ofc

First one is called "an apple a day keeps the doctor bent over and moaning for me" and the second one has no title but it contains one of my fav tropes which it the aphrodisiacs so yippie!! Same at use your body, I don't know when these will be posted and the first one isn't even done and the second is barely worked on anyways so...

Random stuff that might be posted if I ever get them done

Fun-Dip!

A cheesy valgrace kiss fic about Leo having a fundip flavored chapstick. Silly and unserious. It's been in my drafts since may and is barely halfway done. I have no motivation to finish or worn on it right now but I might be possessed who knows.

Will Solace on the Argo II rewrite

No title for this yet. First chapter is less than a thousands words written right now. And that's the only thing I have written too 😭😭 rough outline for it and idk if I'll ever finish it tbh. 

Fics that I need to update and am trying to update but idk what to write

I Don't Know Who You Are but I Love You 

YALL I PROMISE IM TRYING TO WRITE ANOTHER STUPID CHAPTER. I'm dying. Last time I update it was APRIL... my bad guys... um and it has reached 14,000 hits since then and I wanted to post a celebration chapter but I had no motivation. Ughhhhrhhwsiyfiwdh

Girl Alone (titled I Am Something a while ago)

I'm thinking about writing another chapter but I'm not allowed to post anything with sh in it rn and that's kinda the whole plot of girl alone so... yeah... I just don't wanna write something that I'm gonna barely enjoy writing and not even be able to enjoy posting it either it just makes no sense to me sorry 

Olympus

You bitches have been asking for another chapter of this for over a YEAR it's insane and I am grateful for it. I am currently rewriting the first three chapters cause I freaking HATE how I used to write and also like it sucked?? How do y'all enjoy this shitty writing dude I was so bad at writing smut 😭 anyways idk when they'll be updated and idk when a 4th chapter will come out but I'm always thinking about it 

The Soul I Hold

Eeehhhh I lost motivation for this. I always get little scenes in my head about what I want in this fic but I never know how to connect them so I gave up. I will probably pick this fic up again and finish it one day but these days I have ahead of me are not those days. 

When I Die, I'll Let Go

I lost motivation for this one too. I have so so many ideas for this but I have no idea how to get them into words that make sense so I'm just going to keep making playlists for it until I get the spark back 

[acebytaemin]

ooooo personally I would love to know which songs you think are skz's best songs 👀 (if you want to share of course 💕)

HI raf first of all MWAH💖 you’re always thee sweetest tysm for asking & sorry it’s taken me a little bit of time but im here and READY. now this could take me as much time as i allow myself to type as i am quite the enjoyer of skz music (idk if you’ve noticed 🙈) so i decided to go for a reasonable number of 10 random faves (with commentary because well. it’s me) in signature ana proust style novel form with no real order bc that would be agony and they have TOO many damn songs. under the cut because well. you’ll see why.

any (balkan KINGS that song is on my blog at least 20 times i wish i was joking. GOES STEWPIDDDD. the rest of the songs aren’t really in order but any and ttath share number one FIRMLY)

ttath (experimental skzies is skzies at their best and i will always stand by that. when lino jokingly called this his fav skzies song i was both delighted and ready to fight (making mockery out of MY girl.. preposterous))

cover me (had NO idea hyunjin (producer) had ALL THAT in him. it’s ostensibly hard to make me love a ballad but this one’s in my top 5 skz songs it goes absolutely STUPID. the bridge/last chorus seungmin -> chan -> lino run is earth shattering)

FNF (imagine me leaving the ‘im crying in the club’ comment that had kibum going ‘you’re in the club?’ bangchan give me another club banger im holding you at gunpoint.)

on that note. GOING DUMBBBBBB i need your successor right now. i want you i love you. you’re my girl forever. gunpoint point stands.

DLMLU (SO many people weren’t that impressed and that makes me lose my mind. this is my favorite genre of song. makes me feel something incrementally similar to the emotions become undone by shinee invokes which speaks for itself more than any words i could ever say)

i hate to admit (IF IT HAS ONE MILLION FANS I AM ONE OF THEM IF IT HAS ONE HUNDRED FANS I AM ONE OF THEM IF ITS ONE FAN ITS ME IF THERE’S NO ONE I AM DEAD‼️ im telling you i NEED a mashup of chan’s current solos x this to produce the silk shirt rnb desperate begging hey lover by boyz II men & ll cool j chan track of my dreams. or at LEAST give me rehab by rihanna. SOMETHING anything.)

every 3racha song but let’s talk about ZONE right now (monumental. abysmal. han opens it all politely cutely then changes the flow to more dark then gets rude with it (switching up his flow is his specialty to me he’s so good at it and this song is a perfect showcase of that) and the chorus is good fun and all but when SEO CHANGBIN goes IN. that dude is out of his mind that’s all im saying lest we stay here all night)

phobia (IM STUCK WITH A PHOBIA !!! same genre as dlmlu in my sick and twisted mind bc they’re both absolutely desperate with it. different styles but same raw emotion. Obsessed. headbanging as we speak.)

STOP/road not taken (MMMOOOOREEEEEE of this. i do have a bit of a bone to pick w most of their earlier stuff in view of production but when they got it they GOTTTT ITTTTT)

and this is track 11 actually but who’s counting. can i talk about hanji for a second? let me talk about hanji for a second. VOLCANO i had no idea about that song until like a month ago LMAO and it’s been on my mind all the time. the lyrics bring me to my knees and i absolutely love his flow i think he’s my fav skz rapper actually. he has such a special way of expressing emotion and i know he loves to play w autotune but i just can’t help but wish there were less effects on his voice just to Feel it more but we’ll get there someday. absolutely gorgeous is my point.

[butchboylesbo]

ty for your post about mobility aids, that hit home. I use a cane occasionally, always carry it with me (folds up) but use it when I need to for the same reasons you use your crutches. my problem is that I am incredibly self-conscious and feel guilty if I take it out to use it in public. moreso when I take the train home from work - if I get a seat, I don't need it but if I have to stand, I take it out to use it. I feel like I get dirty looks from people who think I'm just trying to make someone give up their seat (important to note that no one ever does anyway.) I'm not expecting them to, I just now need it to stand and reduce my pain. I'm not trying to trick or scam anyone.

I guess I'm just curious if this is something you've dealt with, and if so, how you got to a place where you're confident in using your mobility aids. I'm just not there yet :(

i've also felt self conscious about mobility aid use, and for me that was something i just had to get through in therapy/do some self work, but i do have tips for possibly reducing the dirty looks you get if it continues to be a problem:

(keep in mind these are the things i do and they might not be helpful for everyone/some people might consider them 'attention seeking' but that's not why i do them, i do them to avoid confusion and be proud of myself)

when the weather permits it and if it'll help you, wear knee braces when you wear short bottoms, (or just all the time) so that it's less likely for people to think you're able bodied (again, if they'll help you, if not maybe don't cuz they might make it worse LOL)

this may seem too flashy, but wear disability merchandise. i have cripplepunk patches on my patch vest and other stuff related to disability pride on my jackets. You can probably get some cute/funny shirts or buttons or stickers relating to your disability to wear out and about.

For me this isn't just to reduce people assuming the worst, but it also helps me allow myself to be proud of being disabled, and it helps me get out of the denial that comes w being medically gaslit by doctors and people in my life.

also, in these cases, it might be best to use your cane as you walk into a place that you'd need a seat, not pull it out later. There's no public transport where i live currently but often in germany people would stand to offer me a seat when they saw me using crutches as i got onto the public transportation, if you're in the US or the UK that probably would happen less but you never know, shrug emoji

sorry if this is ramble-y i'm pretty low spoons on the ADHD front today, but i hope this helps you. My biggest tip overall is to try to gain confidence in every aspect of your life, because being disabled requires being stronger than most of us would like to be. I know it's a lot harder than it sounds especially if you have anxiety or any other thing like that, but i believe in you and im proud of you

[aita-blorbos]

(OC) am I the asshole for running away?

hi. so let me preface this by saying i don't actually care whether or not people think i am but also it's been bothering me a lot so, hey, i figured id ask.

i (16M) am the only child of the current royal family and heir to the throne. if this wasn't enough, my mother (the queen) cannot have another child, the fact that i was even born to begin with is practically a miracle. because of all of this, ive always had a lot of responsibility on my shoulders, ever since i was just a baby. i always tried to do my best and study and to smile and to be perfect for everyone because that's what everyone expected from me, why should they expect anything less of the kid who was going to be the king one day.

being the prince is very lonely. i dont have any friends and even if i tried it wouldn't even really count because everyone has to be nice to me so i wouldn't ever be able to tell if they actually like me or not. also, i haven't been outside the castle grounds before now, as i wasn't allowed to because it was dangerous for me.

...well. a while back now, maybe a month at the very least, i couldn't do it anymore. i felt trapped, i was trapped, i couldn't breathe anymore when i was there. so i ran away. i regret running away sometimes. i know i worry my -- the king and queen, and that's the last thing i want to do but -- i can't go back. im scared to go back. i don't want to be trapped again. i dont want to be king i want to decide who i am for myself.

the king and queen sent a search party after me. a lot has been happening involving that but the short of it is that we kept going back and forth between me running away and them catching me, until now. ive been successfully hiding and moving farther out of the kingdom. its lonely. but its better than going back there

now, here is where i might be the asshole. like i mentioned earlier, i had a very important job considering i am the heir to the throne and the only child that the royal family will ever have. everyone thinks that i ran away because i was being selfish, intentionally sabotaging the future of the kingdom because i could only think of myself. that's not true.... i dont think it is. was it selfish? maybe they're right. maybe i did ruin everything.

i think i already know the answer, but am i the asshole?

[ileftherbackhome]

im like the water when your ship rolled in that night, drowning in the blue nile, he sent me downtown lights i hadn't heard it in a while, rough on the surface but you cut through like a knife, my boredom's bone deep, this cage was once just fine am i allowed to cry, and if it was an open shut case i never would have known from that look on your face, i dream of cracking locks, throwing my life to the wolves or the ocean rocks, lost in your current like a priceless wine, the more that you say the less that i know, crashing into him tonight, he's a paradox, wherever you stray i follow, im seeing visions, am i bad or mad or wise, im begging for you to take my hand, what if he's written mine on my upper thigh only in my mind, wreck my plans, one slip and falling back into the hedge maze, oh what a way to die, that's my man, i keep recalling things we never did, messy top lip kiss, life was a willow and it bent right to your wind, how i long for our trysts, head on the pillow i could feel you sneaking in, as if you were a mythical thing, without ever touching his skin how can i be guilty as sin, like you were a trophy or a champion ring and there was one prize, I'd cheat to win, i keep these longings locked in lowercase inside a vault, the more that you say, the less i know, someone told me there's no such thing as bad thoughts, wherever you stray i follow, only actions talk, these fatal fantasies giving way to labored breath, im begging for you to take my hand, taking all of me, wreck my plans, we've already done it in my head, that's my man, if it's make believe why does it feel like a vow we'll both uphold somehow, you know that my train could take you home, what if he's written mine on my upper thigh only in my mind, anywhere else is hollow, one slip and falling back into the hedge maze, im begging for you to take my hand, oh, what a way to die, my bedsheets are ablaze, wreck my plans, ive screamed his name, that's my man, building up like waves, crashing over my grave, life was a willow and it bent right to your wind, oh, without ever touching his skin, how can i be guilty as sin, they count me out time and time again, what if i roll the stone away, they're going to crucify me anyways, life was a willow and it bent right to your wind, oh, what if the way you hold me is actually what's holy, but i come back stronger than a 90s trend, if long suffering propriety is what they want from me, wait for the signal and I'll meet you after dark, they don't know how you've haunted me so stunningly, show me the places where others gave you scars, i choose you and me, now this is an open shut case, religiously, guess i should have known from the look on your face, every bait and switch was a work of art, he sent me downtown lights, hey, that's my man, yeah, that's my man, i hadn't heard it in a while, im begging for you to take my hand, am i allowed to cry?

[stella-rose-love]

annual recurrent flight attendant training day 1/2 [08-19-24]

day 1 of my annual FA training is complete.

• first aid [practical]

• first aid [written]

• opening/closing exam of the eight aircrafts in our fleet [practical]

• emergency evacuation procedures [practical]

• standard operational procedures exam open/closed book [written]

• location/safety/security aircraft knowledge exam [written]

• fire extinguisher / drager smoke hood firefighting exam [practical]

• unruly passenger restraining exam [practical]

• oxygen bottle & mask application & usage exam [practical]

• medipak usage exam [practical]

all passed 90% or over.

highlights

• have the same training days as a colleague who I got hired with last year, who is one of the funniest people I've ever met. Helped ease any nerves I had

• during first aid in pairs, one of my friends/colleagues was committed to his role of "the injured patient". It was so painfully overly dramatic, I cried tears of laughter

• ran into my role model at the company ! hadn't seen him since 2023 and missed him dearly. he is currently climbing the corporate ladder with no sign of slowing down, was so nice to see him. Had a huge smile on my face the whole interaction

• got the taste of healthy stress again in an educational environment. It is great fuel

• made me that much more excited to go back to college in a couple of weeks

what I ate

• breakfast - yogurt & granola bowl + ginseng stick

• lunch - grilled cheese

• dinner - falafel veggie wrap

final thoughts

overall a packed day, but was happy to get the more difficult exams out of the way. It's a lot easier to be friendly and sociable in a classroom environment, than on the actual job, due to the trainings calm nature.

I am grateful for the way FA training is formatted, and allows me to cram for many exams within one day. It makes going back to college feel a lot less daunting.

I want to do some research regarding how nutrition can positively impact female hormones throughout the day. I always feel lethargic when I have to attend a class after lunch (12:30-3:30), even if I haven't eaten right before. I'd love to converse with people who study these subjects, or possess this knowledge due to their field of study.

I am a bit nervous for tomorrow, because we blend with the pilots for training for "crew resource management". It helps to enhance the quality of communication amongst each other, so we will be able to work together more efficiently. It's a bit intimidating !!

Im going to do my review for a couple of hours, then go to bed early so that I can complete most of my review after a solid rest.

have a good night every one :)

[crazylittlejester]

DAILY BRAINROT DELIVERY

I'm a bit late because I got sidetracked earlier, and technically I'm supposed to be writing a paper for class, but I think I have enough time, and I'm not going to be able to focus until after the brainrot delivery anyway, so here we go.

I'm still not completely sure what to do about Sun in LU EAH AU, but it just occurred to me that I will be replacing the Master Sword with the Vorpal Sword. Personally, I think Vorpal Sword sounds cooler than Master Sword anyway, so it's fine.

The thing is, I forgot about Fi and Ghirahim until now. Fi is still going to be a sword spirit, but to keep with the cautionary tale theme of fairytales, her origin story is going to have to be modified a little bit, I think. (To be honest, this AU is turning into a "how mean can Gryphon be to the characters" challenge.)

The idea behind the sword spirits is that they're a consciousness that's inside a sword (presumably to make it very powerful). More or less the equivalent of a human/hylian soul.

I haven't ever read the comic/manga about what happens prior to Skyward Sword, but I know that the general agreement tends to be that Hylia was in love with the original version of Link and that that's why she chose to be reincarnated with him.

So I need to fact-check that at some point just to clear things up, but I think it would be really cool to have Fi be a soul that sacrificed herself for one reason or another to be remade into a blank slate to power the Vorpal Sword and also act as a GPS/personal assistant to the wielder of the sword.

Fi wouldn't even have to be Hylia's lover, she could have an unrequited crush, be her best friend, or even the deity equivalent of a sibling or child. (Maybe the Fierce Deity is actually Fi's younger brother or cousin.) I think Fi could very easily be aromantic, asexual, and/or a lesbian, all of which are excellent options in my opinion.

I think it would allow for some interesting possibilities regarding types of love and devotion, especially if Ghirahim had a parallel origin story, except his sacrifice wasn't made out of a pure love and that's why he's so creepy and evil. I think it would make sense for him to be infatuated with Demise (although the feeling is not mutual) and thus taken advantage of and turned into what he currently is.

I don't really think most of this backstory would ever be in the main story, but it would make a good side story because I am now very invested. If there is interest in it, I might actually go ahead and write out a couple thousand words of plot around it.

HELL YEAH HELL YEAH DAILY BRAINROT!! I get so excited when I see these

(I wish you luck on your paper, you got this)

OUGH AN UNREQUITED CRUSH OH MY GOD. Lesbian Fi would be so cool, but also so would any of those other options YOU ARE COOKING AS USUAL DUDE

IM SO SO SO INVESTED IN THIS, IF YOU EVER HAVE TIME TO WRITE IT ID ABSOLUTELY LOVE TO READ IT

thank you so much for the daily brainrot I look forward to the next one :)

[secretnameofeverydeath]

im writing my first ever fanfiction and it has been an amazing writing experiment/exercise.

firstly because this is my first time writing fiction in english. i'm currently teaching a creative writing course to people who are learning my native language, and although i've been speaking english longer than they have been speaking my language, i still have a very hard time writing creatively. i am constantly frustrated because i'm lacking vocabulary, my sentence structures are weird because i apparently write weirdly structured sentences in my own language (which im also learning through this exercise) but there i have control and a deep intuitive understanding of grammar that i lack in english. the point is, i am now even more impressed when the people in my class write really, really good, creative and beautiful fiction, and i feel i understand at least a tiny bit better why they sometimes get frustrated for lack of words, or when they attempt to describe how they feel, etc.

secondly, because there's no point to fanfiction except my own enjoyment. so this is an exercise in true, self-indulgent writing. i'm only writing because i enjoy writing it and so i'm trying to allow myself to write whatever i want to write. i started out with the plan to write some good ol' fix-it stuff and hurt/comfort, but of course i linger on death and dying and what it means to see someone close to you die and on grief, and i'm actually way less invested in the hurt/comfort plot because i do not want to fix these characters i just want to study them oooops.

the thing is, all these things feel so shameful to do when i'm writing literature - like, come on, choose a happier or sillier topic, like come on not again a story about death and grief? like i always feel like i need to then at least be funny, or it should not be too autobiographical, etc etc, etc. there are so many rules i feel i need to abide by and im very scared to be too much, and i find it so very hard to believe other people might be interested in what i am interested in, or my thoughts, so i tend to keep the things that are purely written for me, in different folders on my laptop that will never see the light of day.

but there's nothing to gain from writing fanfiction except the pure pleasure of it and amazingly sweet comments from readers. so it's an exercise in allowing myself to write self-indulgent bullshit, to include those stupid literary rants and descriptions of death and dying, and to actually publish it. and then when people comment they want more, are invested, or actually like the literary rant, it makes my heart jump a little.

and of course there are all kinds of fanfiction rules and fanfiction etiquette im probably failing to abide by, but this is a new genre so i do not yet feel like i need to have it mastered and also once again: there's nothing to gain from writing it so what does it matter that its probably all a bit too analytical and my style is weird and the characters are maybe a bit ooc? nobody has to read it, and if people read it and hate it it's simply their problem and it does not even directly reflect on me because yes im definitely attempting to keep this shit as anonymously as possible.

[kasaneteto]

been thinking about this guy a lot. dont read under the cut if you dont want persona 4 spoilers or dont want to hear me talk about how i used to wish this guy would do nasty things to me because of my trauma

first of all this is not a character analysis this is my very personal relationship with the character. second of all this is normally the kind of thing i would put on my private instagram but my roommate is currently playing p4 & i dont want him to get spoiled. so sorry that youre subjected to this i guess. anyways.

recently something ive realized about myself is that i am a HOPELESS romantic. i require something to pour my affections into. & if that isnt a person WELL its gonna be a fictional character. for me the adachi blorboism started right after i ended my first real “relationship”. i say “relationship” because it was less of that and more of me being groomed by a guy 5 years my senior. unfortunately, this guy was what got me into persona. he asked me to watch the p4 anime with him and that was it for me lmfao.

so wtf does that have to do with adachi. well i didnt think it had ANYTHING to do with him until recently. being in therapy has allowed me to really dissect the way my environment has manifested in my behaviors and atp im confident in saying that getting groomed is pretty much the reason i love adachi so much. groomer man was the literal definition of a nice guy, like i made a nice guys finish last joke to him once & his actual response was “but it’s true though…” and he was SO bummed when adachi was revealed to be the mastermind. he was all “ooouuhhhh it sucks because he was such a good character before that”

so i got out of that relationship, had clarity over the fact that he had been manipulating me the entire time, got my hands on my own copy of p4 (i had still only seen the anime & played arena atp) and when i got to adachi’s monologue i was like. THIS GUY IS AWESOME!!!! HOW IS HE A WORSE CHARACTER FOR THIS!!!! im realizing now that travis (groomer) probably felt very attacked by adachi’s motives. & not only that but that i felt very comforted by how blatantly evil he is. that sounds really weird so let me explain.

i saw (& honestly still see) adachi as someone who’s a product of his environment. he felt trapped & suffocated by inaba, felt mistreated by his superiors at work, and with being given access the tv world found something that he felt he could control, which was fun for him in a world of boredom, of which he felt like the victim. i related a lot to that feeling of being trapped somewhere you can’t escape from (both because of my relationship & at the time living with my parents) and really appreciated his fucked outlook on life. not like. the misogyny part. just the whole “life only favors the lucky ones” sentiment. i also saw him as a much more honest & self-aware version of travis. he knew he was doing bad things to people who didn’t deserve it, and his justifications were just “i was bored”. unlike my ex who probably still sees himself as a victim

idk! i guess the takeaway here is that there’s still so much more to me than i know. im learning new things about myself every day. im very glad to finally be on this journey of self-discovery. ive always been a really introspective person but i dont think i ever asked myself WHY? why am i like this. like actually. so im doing that now. & the answers are actually pretty fucked up! ive always played down my trauma because its what my parents and a lot of my peers did. my “best friend” as a kid (she was honestly just a bully) didn’t believe me when i told her that my parents fought. like it was so much worse than i allowed myself to believe. i played down getting groomed because I wasn’t like r*ped or anything (he touched me with my permission but no insertion happened idk if that counts as r*pe) but whenever i tell people that my parents were not only okay with it but allowed him to come visit me from Canada and STAY AT MY HOUSE….they are always shocked. because thats so fucked up! like… what!

alright ive really gone off the rails with this but in conclusion: adachi is a piece of shit and thats why i love him. he’s my disgusting babygirl. my awful little mongrel anime husbando. & you dont get him like i do

[whatudowhennooneseesyou]

hi ruby!! i've been catching up on your blog and all the drama that is apparently going on with some of these anons.... and i just have to say..... if all this is stemming from your post trying to start a conversation about what a person might do in a relationship where one person wants to be childless and the other doesn't..... this is truly ridiculous

i think it's great that you started this conversation. i'm about to turn 30 and have been in my relationship for almost a decade, which may reveal my identity here a bit to readers who know me, but given how angry people get about this topic i'd like to stay anon.

essentially i've known from a young age that i never want children. it's one of the first things i talked about with my partner early on in our relationship and i made it clear that if he was going to want children we shouldn't waste time being in a long term relationship to have this be an impasse later on. interestingly he wasn't sure back then, but he was honest and told me he was more of an 80% no / 20% maybe, and at the time that was good enough for me. i totally understand that people don't always know when they're 20 what they're going to want when they're 30+, so i just made sure to tell him openly where i was at and to tell me if his mind changed.

over the past 10 years he's decided he doesn't want kids either, so it worked out, but if he ever said he did either back then or now.... that would be it. genuinely there's no working it out over that, one person is making a very large life concession and it should be okay to talk about that. for me, i was never going to allow myself to change a fundamental belief just because my current partner wanted it, and no matter how much i love him.... how would compromising myself and bringing children into that space make our relationship any better? it just wouldn't.

honestly the other thing too is that most of the time when i say that i am childless by choice and don't want children, the response i get from most people is shock and sometimes disgust. in a professional setting people treat me like a kid because of it, and my opinions are often invalidated by women around me who do have children or want children. it's frankly exhausting, and i'm not going to apologize for myself or my beliefs any further. i'm just glad i have a partner who is with me on this, because that part is a lot easier and less stressful.

anyways this turned into a bit of a tangent, but just wanted to say i'm glad you started a conversation about this, it's a good one to have. i think the anons calling you passive aggressive or rude or whatever have likely never been on the receiving end of some of these comments that are frankly rude and infantalizing.

Hello my fellow anon!

Yes, that is exactly where the hate comments are stemming from.

Because I asked about what would happen if one partner wants to be childless and the other doesn't.

Babe, I'm more than happy for you to stay private and anon on here but if you want to have a more 'intimate' conversation, don't be afraid to DM me, our conversation will stay secret.

Please, im going to be having more conversations like this in the future, don't be afraid to send in more anon asks and talk with me more.

I completely agree and understand about it being a huge life concession and one that you can't return from.

I believe it can also come from the old mindset that children can 'save' a relationship or prevent one from crumbling and it just doesn't- it simply doesn't.

I don't think it's selfish for you to end a relationship because you want children.

I don't think it's selfish for you to end a relationship because you don't want children.

They are both great points for why 'sometimes love just isn't enough'.

And then it's hateful anon comments that fuel the anxiety of women who want to be child-free because you're right, majority of the criticism we get by choosing not to have children, is from other women.

When I receive comments like 'oh you'll change your mind' and 'why don't you want to have kids? You should because you're a woman'

Its like we are unworthy of our own femininity and we can't be 'nurturing' if we don't have children.

Which is complete nonsense because the fics we write??

That's us being nurturing.

The smut, comfort, the safe space (as much as we can make it safe) we have on here.

That is us using our 'feminine' selves and being 'nurturing'.

So; thank you for your support!!

That was a great point you made!

[evelinaeswua]

Discovery Of My Life In The Realms

Hello everyone! In this post today I will talk about how I found out I was from the realms and the steps I took to get where I am today. I found out about the realms back in 2020 when my mother Veivane told me she was dating sesshomaru at the time. I was extremely shocked. I couldn’t tell you how far my jaw dropped to the floor. Ever since I was younger when I was middle school, I was so into spells and I would do spells that I found on the internet not knowing it was fake until I got older and was told about it. I also did a mermaid spell after I had gotten into this amazing show called H20 just add water. I was super into supernatural beings from Vampires, Werewolves, Mermaids and etc. After I got told about the realms and how sesshomaru was dating my mom, this was also the same year where my mom took me to her kingdom for the first time and invited me to live in the mansion with her. Of course I said yes. 

A year later after finding out about the realms, I did training for me to go up there willingly. This was in 2021. Mind you, I didn't know that I was even from there until later on but anyways for me to do the training in the realms, my sister star had to carry me there and sometimes my mom would carry me there too. It took me less than two years for me to master that ability and while that was going on my memory was extremely fuzzy however sometimes I would remember bits and pieces and would randomly get this strong feeling that I was in the realms. This lasted for a few years. 

Back in 2022, towards the middle of that year when I used to live with Veivane on earth, I had training with my sisters Sesshia and Star up there that night so when I had slept but was woken up for a bit I had told her I had saw me wielding a sword made of fire and she told me that my sisters were working on how to wrap your sword in fire. I couldn’t believe it. My memory was slowly getting better. 

In that same year, my memory has started to not become as fuzzy around the middle of august of 2022 and it was also the same year that I found out I was from the realms. Veivane and I had to mediate together for her to find out if I have any parents in the realms who had sent me down to earth and it turns out that I do. She found out that I had a mother named Jarmani who is from the realm of Roha. She’s an elemental witch and she had sent me down to earth to protect me. I’ve spoken to her once since veivane allowed her to posses her body. She talked about how she's thankful that Veivane and Sesshomaru had taken me in because without those two, I wouldn’t have a family. I also found out that I had a father named Alex who is also from Roha. He’s a sanguine vampire which basically means he feeds from blood. Since Alex and Jaramani were my biological parents, that makes me witch and vampire in the realms. (They’re no longer my parents. I got their dna removed from me so I’m now a full Lyricanian and demon)

 Then in 2023, I was able to fully go there on my own and my memories has improved over the last few years. I’m able to remember everything but I need to focus and the memories will come to me with ease. It’s been such a long journey but I have met wonderful people along the way. I even met my boyfriend, Callea. I met him through veivane who introduced me to him on September 28, 2022 and we’ve been dating since then. He’s honestly such a wonderful person and im so thankful that I've met him. He’s everything I could ever want. I even met Coran and Zara who are my two sister’s biological parents. When I had met them for the first time, I was incredibly happy because they are the current Kings and Queens of duhsterra and meeting them was such an honor and also because their my step-parents as well. They are wonderful people. I love both my lyricanian family so very much! I can’t thank my family enough for being by my side and making me smile each and everyday. You all hold a place in my heart forever and always.

[its-a-hil]

k time for our regularly scheduled sleepy oversharing time (answering all the questions from this ask game)

(1) Do you have freckles? nope ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

(2) Do you drink tea or coffee? How do you take it? sometimes i drink tea if im sick or chai socially but thats basically it. chocolate is the closest thing i have to a regular stimulant

(3) What was the last song you listened to? this lagtrain edit idk i really like just. semi-chaotic noise that sounds out of place and a bit incongruent. probably why i like pokeloid

(4) Do you sleep on your back, stomach or side? diagonalish but mostly on my side. i alternate sides though in fact i used to sleep on my stomach until i read a newspaper article that said a plurality of ppl sleep on their side and then i got scared and completely changed the way i sleep in like 6th grade in case you somehow needed more evidence im autistic

(5) Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? blåhaj!! !!! !!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i love her need to clean her though also i stream with my hello kitty velvet and i think that's kinda relevant

(6) Do you prefer drawing or writing? i like both but i am so so so much less bad at writing so that's more fulfilling i need to do both a lot more though ive been procrastinating a lot of tales of luminaria writing and art that i feel a compulsive need to make since the game was shuttered

(7) What’s your ideal number of blankets to sleep with? currently i sleep with blanket/comforter/blanket but i am still so so cold so i either need another blanket or one of them to be heated

(8) What’s your favorite band/artist? i mean there are a bunch that are all kinda at the same tier but i think inabakumori is at the top their vocaloids are just so. emotions

(9) When is your birthday? not gonna answer this but if you wanna check my bio every day for the next year until you see it flip to 23 i guess thats a thing you can do

(10) How tall are you? 178 cm (5'10") aka too tall please someone let me give you my height i dont fucking want it except in rock climbing it's useful for that but other than that the dysphoria is just not worth it hate hate hate

(11) What color are your eyes? brown, a bit darker than my skin but ive been complimented on my eyes by strangers more than like any part of my appearance combined so i am always confused like. theyre just my eyes! theyre pretty but only in the way that ppl eyes generally are idgi

(12) Who are five (or more) people you want to hug right now? i dont really want to hug anyone tbh like id be happy to hug a friend if they needed it but im just not feeling touch atm

(13) Fears? that samsara isnt real enough for me to defer all the experiences i dont want to miss out on to a different life also climate change also being at parties where im not super close with most of the people

(14) What’s your favorite color? the sky! i know everyone is probably tired of me saying it but i dont like the idea of picking one 'color' since that allows for so much variation, so i instead choose something that is constantly varying and always beautiful at every instant ive ever gazed upon it

(15) What’s your favorite season? summer summer summer summer summer summer summer summer summer summer summer summer summer summer summer summer summer summer please it's so cold i want to be able to feel warm when i go outside and not feel like im killing the planet when i consider turning the thermostat up a degree

(16) Want any tattoos? What of? oh i absolutely want tattoos definitely one for outer wilds (the hourglass twins), and id be open to the berseria title card with velvet's hair flowing into the letters i just think that game is neat

(17) Want any piercings? Where? im happy with my recent earlobe piercings but it would be desi as fuck to get a nose ring so that also sounds pretty cool

(18) Who is the last person you texted? my parents telling them im coming home from work

(19) Do you have a best friend? How long have you been friends? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ closest thing is probably my college roommate for 3 years but he went to grad school in a different state so ive barely seen him since

(20) What/who do you miss? oh well that's a question and a half i miss my ability to just get a crush and imagine cute and unrealistic fantasy stories where i went out with them now a combination of adult™ realism and the couple years i spent beating myself up for ever feeling romantic attraction have made doing both of those things so much harder so i just stick to projecting myself in established plots i mean its better than it was near the end of high school but. not as good as middle school when i actively loved going to bed just so i could imagine whatever i wanted in the hourish before i fell asleep

(21) How was your day today? tired. slept too early last night and thus the day had no sense of urgency and my head felt very bleh the entire time

(22) How much sleep did you get last night? 8 hours which is kinda the problem i function best with having had 9-10 hours two nights ago and 4-6 hours the night of and whenever i try to get a regular person sleep schedule™ it just makes me feel bad

(23) Do you believe in aliens? not like conspiracy theories or anything like that but. the universe is so BIG and we're finding so many planets that it feels impossible for there to not be life elsewhere also $20 europa has whales in it

(24) When was the last time you cried? Why? idk crying is hard and has barely ever happened since i felt bad about crying at a book in 6th grade and hammered it out of my brain. clearly my masking behaviors have never once been self destructive and i am an extraordinarily well adjusted girlie more recently my parents probably said something that made me feel bad and i semi-succeeded at crying in the shower and forgot about it the day after

(25) What’s your favorite decade? is it really possible for me to answer anything but the present? theres only been one decade where ive been a girl for part of it theres only been one decade where i fell in love with the sound of my voice theres only been one decade where i lived for myself and not for who i expected myself to be

(26) What are some seemingly childish things you like? i mean. i watch cartoons and eat sweets and enjoy going outside and getting distracted by everything i see there not sure what it means for something to be 'childish' tbh

(27) What’s your favorite book? Or just one you’ve read a few times? favorite book is the raven tower by ann leckie it's just. such a wonderful story in such a beautiful world that i feel like i was made for book ive read the most is probably son of neptune though, i know i spent a few months just kinda picking it up at a random page and rereading a few chapters every couple of days

(28) How are you, really? not answering this it's cliche and boring

(29) Does it take you a long time to make decisions? yes and no if a decision is right in front of me i'll make it fairly quickly if a decision is far away then i will procrastinate it to the point of absurdity ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

(30) What are you looking forward to in the near future? getting on injections! estrogen time :d

(31) What are you looking forward to in the distant future? 2024 eclipse!!!! !!!! !!!!!! !!!!!!!!! i know with how much im hyping it in my head it'll definitely be covered with clouds at the place i go to but i! do! not! care! the 2017 eclipse is the most beautiful thing i have ever seen in the entire world and i need to see it again

(32) If you could go anywhere right now, where would you go? i want to see the aurorae other than things like that im pretty comfortable sitting in my room, but the idea of viewing something so magical is just incredibly appealing

(33) Do you sleep with your door open or closed? closed otherwise my parents would see how messy my room is and the airflow would be wrong and its brighter in the hallway and just. no

(34) What’s your favorite flower? is it too cliche to say cherry blossom? i grew up near washington dc like going to see the cherry blossom festival is a part of my core identity

(35) Do you currently have a squish? not really but also my brain has a taboo against verbalizing any kind of attractive feelings so it's difficult to overcome that enough to process my thoughts without hating myself so i dont try

(36) Do you like your middle name? no it's just my dad's name, which already feels old-fashioned in indian terms let alone the fact that it sounds vaguely like a mildly off-putting (to me) phrase in english

(37) Do you prefer dogs or cats? i love seeing them both outside or in friends' homes and i am unlikely to ever adopt one so that's the extent of it

(38) Do you have any phobias? i dont think so

(39) Do you stay up late? not late enough

(40) Do you like the beach? Do you prefer it sunny or cloudy? a not-sunny beach is definitely cold so. yeah. the last beach ive been to was in gdynia though so i might be unfairly projecting how cold the baltic sea is onto other beaches that are reasonable temperatures

(41) What’s your favorite cartoon? if we're counting anime: bna if we're not: amphibia actually now that i think about it i need to rewatch kipo and the age of wonderbeasts that was good

(42) Tag 5 of your favorite blogs no

(43) Do you have siblings? How many? one older sister

(44) Who was the last person you said “I love you” to? probably my parents

(45) Is there anyone you would die for? oh absolutely. loads. the more interesting question would be 'is there anyone you would kill for' and that is far far more difficult to answer

(46) What do you need when you’re sad? patience

(47) Have you memorized your phone number? ofc i have it has interesting math properties associated with it that i sadly cant say here bc saying all the properties, even in a relatively cryptic form, would narrow it down to like 10 options if someone knew my area code

(48) Who’s someone you can trust with your life? this question is ridiculous when cars exist. i have to trust pretty much every driver near me with my life whether im in a car or walking near a road so i dont view it as a particularly meaningful level of trust nor do i view my life as something particularly worth guarding so like. whatever, yknow? (note: this isnt a mental health thing it's a samsara thing dw) if this body dies it dies and i wouldnt want anyone i care about to feel responsible no matter what

(49) What does your last text say? already said it

(50) Wild Card. Any question, ask away. my favorite font is alegreya sc

[kozykricket]

hey chat do you ever just realize its actually possible to do stuff that isnt like, what you already typically do? like im not limited to being what i currently am wild but uh. yea, its weird lol. to remember how much there is to potentially do but uh, BIG VENT TIME

ive often felt that its hard to Care about trying certain new things but i think its less that i dont care and more that i find immense contentness in going through the motions of what i already do in life, and i. while i love the idea of doing more things, im... afraid of change? i mean okay, i love change. as in, when videogames change things out of nowhere. but... i have a weird relationship with it. my moms always said im so afraid of change and im like ehh im not thaat afraid of change but changing up what i consistently do? yeah i think thats like... definitely true i used to not spend that much time with my cats, but i WANTED to spend time with them. i just... thought about it, and it almost felt like not caring. but it was moreso just that it wasnt part of my like, schedule. part of something that i typically do it wasnt carefully planned. it was out of my comfort zone. it mm, i just wish i could- no, i mean. i DO care about things. i do care about more things its just, that i feel as if i dont care about certain new hobbies and such because they seem like.. scary. or like "eh, im doing good enough. i dont need to push to go further" despite how many lessons i hear in every media ever about how you should push yourself to your fullest potential, and experience the world, and ... do more than just accept the minimum comfort zone !! that you should strive for more than just Yeah good enough but mm, is it worth it? to change things up? im good at what i do.. i think. but id be good at other things, too. if i just gave them an honest try...

just . realizing and remembering you have the freedom to do whatever you want and that everything is at your fingertips and. if you have the stability and life situation to allow it, then you can really do anything. its wild but ...can i get myself to care enough? its weird, ig i gotta push myself to do things that i dont care about, until i suddenly really care about them

man i really wanna do writing and programming more. theyre fun. but theyre also new things and ive convinced myself im some circus animal who is unable to be motivated or train myself and practice and effort and yadda yadda woe is me