#im just kinda happy with where im at right now
Note
https://www.tumblr.com/sexilene/759818777216024576/can-i-request-a-boynextdoorjj-x
thinking so so many thoughts!!! I love this so much!! I need to know how and what went down when jj showed reader how to touch herself!! I feel like she’s very innocent and jj of course is a dirty boy!
OMG yessss! boynextdoor!jj x girlnextdoor!reader thought ⋆౨ৎ˚⟡˖ ࣪ (ignore the spelling mistakes sorry lol!!)
your next-door neighbor, the sweet golden retriever of a boy was an absolute chaos demon, and always horny…of course you knew this…
but you were surprised when jj had promised not to try anything funny until you were ready, and you two weren’t even official yet!! but of course, you two would do the safe, usual, kissing while grinding and such- but there got to a point where the second he climbs through your window you just want to jump on him and have him help you with the ache between your legs!!
you were thinking about it all day, from the moment you woke up…to now where jj is sitting on the carpet on the floor next to you, “helping” you color a barbie coloring book all messily. you finally smacked your glossy lips together and turned to tell him about what you would like to do…
“jaaaayjay?”
“what’s up babycakes,” jj responds, not looking up from the page he was currently coloring in,
“i have a secret to tell you- and you have to promise not to laugh at me!” your words cause his eyebrows to shoot up, curiosity spiking. he looked up from the coloring book and nodded his head, “hit me.”
“sometimes, when i think of you…i think thoughts…” you speak slowly, dragging out the words, trying to find a way to say it without it sounding too dirty!
“what kinda thoughts?” jj tilts his head, a small smirk growing on his lips and he thinks he knows where this is going….
“like thoughts that make my…you know what get all fluttery and sticky…” jj thinks it's cute how shy you get when it comes to doing stuff like this with him, and he’s more than happy to help you out.
“s’that so? y’know i’m pretty skilled in helping relive that feeling,”
“you are?”
“ohhh yeah, can help you out if you want…no pressure of course but uh- i’ll be here coachin’ you every step of the way.” he stands up and offers you a hand to get you up off the floor as well.
“yes please, not full on sex though right?” your smile also starts to appear, heart beating fast at the thought of doing something so naughty with the boy you have the biggest crush on!
“nah s’perfectly safe, alright you have to take your shorts off for this baby-” jj begins to slide down your pink polka dot cotton sleep shorts and guides you over to your bed. jj takes a seat back against your pillows, he pants the spot between his legs gesturing for you to sit in front of him, back against his chest. “c’mere sit, m’gonna be gentle i promise,”
you sit where he’s telling you- but before you make yourself really comfortable you pick up one of your stuffed animals and whine “wait, don’t want them to look!” jj then licks his teeth before picking up all your little stuffies and practically throwing them under the bed.
“careful please!” you chide- pouting slightly,
“m’just putting these guys under the bed for now, little vacation time for em’ right?” he smiles innocently.
“ohh-ho soaked through your panties honeybunny!” jj laughs- but not in mockery- in complete awe of how bad you soaked through the cotton of your pretty panties, he smooths over the patch of wetness with the pads of his two rough fingers, making you whine and squirm in his hold. “jaaay, please!”
“im getting there hold your horses…” he tuts, you can feel his head shake in faux disapproval from behind you before he begins to slowly press down on your clothed clit and rub. “alright, watch what i’m doing- see just where you feel sensitive, ruuuub it nice n’ slow.”
“mmmphm!” you unintentionally lift your hips so towards his fingers to somehow try and get more friction, more pressure to- “yuuup, now you try.” jj interrupts your hazy thoughts, grabbing your wrist to lead you in rubbing your clit.
and once you begin, under his instruction, you bite your lower lip and apply bits of pressure while you touch yourself. “feels really nice!…”
“want me to keep going?” he whispers,
“yes please!” ”okay now watch angel, move those cute panties to the side n’ then- i’m just gonna use one finger.” jj carefully and ever so gently moves your panties to the side to get access to your dripping hole. then when finally starts to dip his finger in to start, you feel the stretch- slight but still present. “ohmygod!” you gasp, his finger curling up to find your g-spot, you quickly cover your mouth with your hand to keep you from yelling out again.
“s’just one! then move it iiiiin and ouuut-” he reassures you, “feelin’ okay?” and all you can do is nod, hand still covering your mouth. your little noises bouncing off the walls of your bedroom, his whispered praises, the ‘shlick-shlick’ sound your pussy makes with each in-and-out motion of his fingers….“hear that? little pussy makin’ sounds cause she’s all wet-” jj coos, pressing a quick kiss to your cheek.
“can you do another finger pretty please jay?”
“sure can…moving in and out easy breezy baby- and then see with your other hand you keep rubbing on your clit.” he nods his head in approval though he knows you can’t see him, trying to get you closer to your first orgasm.
“i feel like im going on a rollercoaster!” you squeal, your two little fingers focused on rubbing your clit as he showed you while he curls up two of his thick fingers into your warm heat- over and over. “yeah? shit your cummin’ already…squeezing my fingers so tight,” he smiles upon hearing your little moans and feeling how tight your pussy is clamping down on his digits.
“jay!! mphph!” you scream out, his free hand coming up quickly to cover your mouth and muffle your moans as you cum down hard on his fingers. “shhhh sh sh, came down real haaard chickie, atta girl.” he licks his lip and continues to slowly thrust his fingers in and out before he slowly slips his fingers out of your cunt.
“feel like my pussy has a heartbeat…” you breathe out, trying to turn your head to look up at him, trying to re-ground yourself.
“she’s all sensitive-” he smiles down at you, re-adjusting your panties as they were. and all you do is look at him in admiration, feeling so lucky to have him here with you and what kind of a friend would you be if you didn’t help him feel as good too? a small slime graces your face when you get up to crawl away from him and turn to face him.
“thank you for helping me jj, you're always so nice and gentle- i wish there was something i could do to help you…”
♡ ‧₊˚ ⋅ ౨ৎ ‧₊ .ᐟ
#lenepilar'sobx!⋆₊ ⊹#boynextdoor!jj#sexilene.com#jj maybank prompt#jj maybank thoughts#jj maybank x reader#jj x reader#jj maybank#jj outer banks#jj x you#jj thoughts#jj obx#jj maybank smut#jj maybank imagine#jj mayback x reader#jj mayback imagine#jj maybank x you
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Practicing what we learned in class
#(and applying it to stuff im interested in)#im happy with my facial structure#normally I'd put a “but” here but#i aint got nothing#I'm at a point where my proportions make sense and that was one of my goals for the year#I'm able to translate that to other drawing styles as well which is a bonus#im just kinda happy with where im at right now#artist is happy with their work; is this a sign of the end times?#no fanart here#but that blue cutie on the right is the girl in my instagram pfp#so theres one original character here#doodles
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My comic is so pretty...
The hiatus is letting me take a little extra time on these episodes, and I'm definitely putting it to good use!!!
#almost done with my 8th episode... which will give me. two weeks. of buffer...#id really like at LEAST a month... but to be more comfortable id like two#which means 2-6 more episodes before I come back!#I've got about 7 weeks so its possible. but i do still have to finish book 4#so much to do ..........#I decided for my next comic im doing 3 updates a month.#having 10 days instead of 7 to make an episode is such a huge huge huge difference...#difference in quality and in my health!#anyways the comic is really pretty im really happy with the work im doing rn#the environments especially. im getting to spend a nice amount of time on them and theyre turning out so nicely#its nice to be able to write with a lot of different environments and not have to redo panels when I get to them cause of time#cause every time theres a wild angle? you need a new background...#so sometimes. often actually. there just isnt the time to make the backgrounds for those and i have to make them more flat...#which is fine. it doesnt really affect anything narratively. but. idk. it's kinda sad right?#anyways yeah! 10 days will be much better.#36 episodes a year is about what ive been uploading with my hiatuses on the weekly schedule anyways!#so might as well cut out that super stressful middleman and just commit to that#52 a year is just such a huge difference and i have to accept its not possible to me#i will hurt myself trying to do that. and i want to make comics my whole life!#so i cant push myself that hard now and sacrifice my future. we're gonna go slower after this...#anyways yeah cant wait to come back but also time. if I could get an extra week like a secret one just for me#where theres no chores no nothin just me and my work#thatd be great! so go ahead and do what you gotta do to give me a little pocket dimension#me: ugh i want to return right now...#the more logical me: NO we need the time to finish everything!!!!!! NOT right now!!!!#time and time again#ttawebcomic#comic panels#hiatus stuff#adam and steve
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I've always known that my dad loved us, but nothing's driven that home as much as everything we've found in the After.
Our prominence in his home (pictures, father's day cards, gifts on display, the letter), the way he prioritized us... and a damned good life insurance policy, set up specifically so that if he died early (always a possibility, since driving jobs are more dangerous than many) then we would have enough to get ourselves Set.
He raised us to become as independent as possible as soon as possible. Made sure we knew how to cook, clean, handle our finances (though he was hilariously kind of bad at that, himself), and much more. I've been doing my own laundry since I was about 10 years old, so it's a surprise when I hear about people going off to college still not knowing. Utterly unimaginable to me.
He wanted us to finish college so we could live more comfortable lives than he did. My sister accomplished this in good time. I have not. But with his final gift to us, this life insurance money, it's a very real thing I could do. I could Realistically pay for the rest of my schooling and not even have to work through it. And in not having to work as I take classes, I can dedicate myself to them more thoroughly than ever before, and hopefully Finally finish my degree.
Just as he wanted for me.
I'll always miss him, since having him in my life was worth more than any amount of money I could have. But I'll always be grateful to him for everything he gave to me.
I dont need a mother, however much mine is trying to scrabble for us right now. I haven't had a true mother in a long time (or maybe Ever).
Instead, I had the best father I could've ever asked for. He was the only parent I needed.
#speculation nation#actually not feeling too bad right now. emotional sure. but not as bad as the past few nights.#the revelations of the day just kinda. rocked me a bit.#it's a Damn good life insurance policy.#and coupled with my in-state tuition (aka kind of a lot lower than average US college tuitions) and#yeah. yeah it really could cover The Rest of my schooling.#and ykno. he was an atheist to the end. he didnt believe in an afterlife. so im not gonna think hes watching me or anything#theres no figment of my father hanging out in heaven or w/e that's watching me & who i need to Make Proud#it's more a matter of self satisfaction. wanting to live a life that i know wouldve made him proud.#he's dead now. he doesnt exist anymore. but it would make me happy to live up to what he wanted for me.#so. in his memory. i will. i'll put my nose to the grindstone (as he'd often say) so i can finish my degree.#and as for where i go from there... we'll see.#one step at a time. finish college first. i'll figure out what comes After when i get there.
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hang on are cougars like panthers
#'the cougar also known as the panther' SCREAM#dont mind me rewatching carmilla as a side effect of my newfound interest in vampires#you'd think it was renewed interest in vampires but no#i actually have never been all that interested in vampires as their own thing i was just gay#and i dont think carmilla really explored the concept itself#like A* in using the medium. D or whatever in exploring their subject matter#actually tbf their subject matter was lesbianism so. again probably an A. they knew what they wanted and they did it well#idk how letter grades work tbh#also not actually sure how much they got into the vampire thing which is why im rewatching to check#bc i was reading iwtv and i was like damn carmilla left stuff on the table#but i also think a lot went over my head#even just english wise im a little stunned at how much i didnt catch. like i was fluent in 2015 for sure but. you do keep learning words#also carmilla is like a popculture remix and i dont have a lot of popculture knowledge so a lot of that went over my head too#now i have just enough to know that im missing a lot#like theres a line in s1 where laura goes 'im living with a vampire. an honest to lestat vampire' and like. never caught that#bc i didnt know how the fuck that was fhkjghgh#but anyway im watching s2 and laura's like 'vampire seductress here is just crabby bc im not falling for her 17th century idea of game'#and like they keep calling armand Ancient right? but carmilla is not much younger#just the difference in framing is what made me start thinking abt it all#like carmilla is 400smth and laura is aware abt that to joke abt it and probably thinks it's a little hot but then you think abt how they#depict that kinda age with armand like what he says to madeleine. 'how do you go on when everything from your era is gone'#and sure carmilla has that loneliness but DAMN. like fuck. shes been doing this same trick. being like the abigail hobbs to the dean for#centuries? i mean there was that century or idk how long where she was buried alive or whatever. but THAT TOO#like damn fuck!!!!!!!!!! ive been going through the fanfic again this week and like there really isnt much#at least doesnt seem to be much that explores this. unless it's in all the aus bc i filtered those out (and still got them)#also interesting difference is if i remember correctly the hollstein happy ending is that carmilla becomes human#in iwtv of course like every important relationship is between vampires. and every lover turns vampire. and every vampire is a lover#sorta. bc abuse themes and stuff. so the inversion makes sense but wouldnt it have been kinda cool if she turned laura tho#anyway. can you believe they were like 'well shes a cougar thats her job and also her supernatural power' dhfkhjgkh as i said: A*
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#i wish ppl wouldn’t buy me things and expect me to pay them back without like. telling me or asking me first. like ik she said she isnt lik#worried about when i can pay it back but /i/ am#i hate owing ppl money it stresses me out more than anything else#its why im constantly stressed about paying off my car#even tho I KNOW that i will be able to finish paying it off in time before the cut off#but. its still really stressful and i hate it a lot#cause then its all i can think about till its done#like if someone gets me a gift thats awesome n cool#but if you get me something because they might run out before i can get it and you expect me to pay you back#please like#ask first? before doing it? so i can plan on that kinda thing#or say no if i feel like i need to#even if its not stressful for YOU its stressful for ME#im happy to have what they got me and its not that expensive to repay#but i really didn’t want that pang of stress right now when im already dealing w stuff#little stressors are still stressors and they add up yk#i just. needed to vent where they wouldn’t see cause i dont like venting abut ppl where they can see it i think its rude#so obviously obligatory this is about no one on this platform even a little bit#delete later
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ok very interesting quest in hsr
#theyre getting better at this writing shit#hsr spoilers#tho i think dh and jy was still kinda random lol i guess it made sense since it was a dream(?)...#i haven't seen enough people crying abt misha but to me. its sadge we can't see him on the train anymore :( but he got#his wish.... he talks abt always wanting to go on the express and traveling and he did it.... he made it!! so im happy for him :')#aven pisses me off lowkey ipc hater group. whatever tho#i like where they went w robin so now i'll just wait for sunday#also the boss design is so nice and cool and very reminscent of ena but fuck the gameplay oh my god i hated fighting sundays mecha body#so much .... i swear if robin's gonna need those materials i'll just be like . 🧍♀️#much to think about though. at the same time i actually have no idea what happened and need to read a plot summary#hsr#they also need to stop putting elements that i don't have built like genuinely besides gui.naifen and hime.ko i have 0 fire chars#and id rather not use ms train navigator bc she doesn't seem good against bosses#robin and sunday are intriguing and so is boothill.... neutral on fire.fly but i guess she's alright at least she improved from getting#murdered for shock value in 2.0#ramblings!#oh one more thing sunday apologist i dont think what he did was necessarily right i just want to chew on him like a toy#hoyo loves their characters falling out of giant robots#chicken wing boy pls be playable i'll pull he's so funky a bit in over his head but we love a biblical coded guy w savior complex#oops edit: also wtf is the state of the family rn we kinda just fought sunday fought sunday again for real this time and then he fell#and penacony went back to reality??? or what? maybe i'm not comprehending or maybe there's another part to this???????
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#uuuuummmmmm hypomania? bitch what? like huh? huh?????????#fucking hello???? like that's fucking like clearing whats happening at this moment#like i mean. im still grounded but like high energy. notably elevated mood. deminished need for sleep. im like fucking on right now#and but like i really really should not b. like hello?#but like its weird bc like what does that mean? like it happens every so often like too much energy that feels unhinged#but like it doesnt really affect my life too much it just feels kinda wild and upsetting to me bc its like not in control#but like i mean right now this is notable with respect to what i normally experience. like energy higher and mood higher than normal#like its midnight and im not even a little tired after having a fucking week like what???#not looking forward to when this breaks and i crash. but like whats the pattern her? how long has this been happening?#im gonna have to start tracking my mood bc idk i feel like im noticing it more now. like i dont remember this happening always cyclically#and like in the past it usually lasts like a day or ill have a few days where im like high energy but also fried and kinda up and down#but like im not going like full on way way high for long periods of time. but its hard to tell bc i have so much emotional dissonance#like ill have this like frantic energy while im standing completely still and i wanna grin in an unhinged way but its black static down#thr middle. so its like am i happy? and i depressed? fucking idk. im usually mostly depressed i think as a product of being so anxious all#the time. i don't usually go super low out of nowhere. i mean. i think its more linked to hormore stuff but i also think this is as well#idk its weird just. thoughts. i should start tracking my mood and ya kno also probably talk to a doctor#but like im about to lose my parents health care as i turn 26 and also fucking atrocious executive function#issues. like. it feels like my brain has holes in it. or i heard my lab mate say she was worried she had a brain tumor#bc its just like. something is not functional in the way its supposrd to be. ya kno? but like its fine#i mean. its not fine but like its fine#sigh. god im gonna forget to track this shit. like im already like my braun is disintegrating in my skull#can i pls be exused from being an adult while i have some sort of episode lol. but like idk#itll b fine. ive got a level head and an analytical brain and big control issues so i can keep myself on the rails#dispite the trashfire haha. ugh wtf do i do tonight tho. lay here abd try to sleep i guess#hope the mood stays up tomorrow so i dont like collapse into a puddle#ay ay ay. interesting. very interesting#im like a commit pinging around. a pinball bounding of those little pin thingys. ill meet with my boss Tuesday like yooooooo#idk if u havent clearly noticed but ive been a bit ya kno emotionally#unstable ✌️ or maybe ill b back to my normal sad sack self by then lol. idk weird vibes. real weird vibes but good 4 now#unrelated
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being happy is scary sometimes
#idk how to describe it#kinda choked up right now because i took a selfie where i just looked so happy#i felt a weird sort of relief and grief all packed into one#im so happy to be alive#goat noises
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I think it's very nice of Maggie to have written those last couple chapters specifically to make me happy (yes I just reread my fave moments)
#greywaren#greywaren spoilers#well not really but to be safe#maggie really said you know what im really gonna give this bitch everything she wants#like Declan and Ronan hugged how to be normal about THAT ive been waiting for it since trb ehchwhxjsj#and PYNCH#and GANSEY#AND THE LYNCH BROTHERS DISCOVERED THEY WERE FRIENDS ONCE MORE#i hope i never get over the JOY all these moments brought me#ill suffer through all the niall and mor failed redemtion arcs just for these beautiful moments all over again#well actually I DID like Niall as a character but him loving Declan didnt make him any less of a shit dad but whatever ill let Deklo have-#this if it makes him happy#i sure wouldve loved to see the other side of it all tho 👀#like Ronan realising some shit and his reaction to that#specifically to the part where your dad was kinda super terrified of you and now that you think of it it seems obvious and Niall said ronan#like he meant something else like poison etc etc#and the big ouchie thatll follow 👀👀#like yeah I know they ALL have a lifetime of trauma to unpack already but Im just saying thats some delicious angst right there#anyway these tags are getting long and its past my bedtime ill shut up now#lily rambles
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God I desperately want a good happy future, with a loving wife/gf/partner, painting and baking and going on picnics and being happy in our own little cottage in the middle of the woods but the horrifying ordeal of staying alive right now is making it almost impossible to even dream of this!!
#its like#god i really want now to be over#and get to the future where i imagine mysekf happy#but its just my imagination#and i dont know if that will ever happen#i dont know if it will ever come true and that makes staying alive right now a very difficult thing to do#what's the point if the future might not hold anything better yk#ugh#im just kinda sad rn
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Babysat a 5, 3, 2 year-old and 10 month old for 6 hours. That's 1 kid per age group. I got a hot chocolate and 5$ for it
#and to spend quality time with the kids wherein they all battled for my attention and i missed work where i could take a break#loved that my mom used this as a 'and you want kids' moment#like shut the actually up?#because once i have kids i know ill have a surplus of support (for 1) and for 2 i wont be having them so close like thatt#it feels like everyone is against me having kids these days or at least turning it into a 'you cant handle it' or 'you have alterior motive#s'#one person said i was thinking abt my retirement plans#another asked if id like to travel first#and im kinda annoyed bc its always unwarrented shit too#like im not saying this to start an argument or to recieve your opinion on how me having kids is bad bc it doesnt aling w#what you want specifically like#if you cant imagine yourself havign kids thats great! be happy and live your life#but as soon as you start to hope i dont have them or question me abt why i want them etc it makes me feel crappy#the worst thing you can do is said somethign like 'i hope you don't because thats not something id want right now'#this isnt about you!#it's about me#or ill get the opposite reaction like 'so just have kids then rn' i have to consider the other person involved in the procreation#i want someone who wants a baby to be involved w me in that aspect rather than someone who is openly against it
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was gonna say........ absolutely not complaining bc i’m not too bothered by this in general, but... sorta seems like i’ve gotten wayyyy more tik tok/media asks than usual these past couple days, and like. yeah, i’ve sorta been bad with my managing the content ones but... i’m starting to feel sorta weird just riffing of video ideas? if that makes sense.
i think bc after a certain point the idea really isn’t... mine or “unique” so... to do so many at once, esp when i know hardly anyone is going to watch the attached links... it’s kinda just like Sighhhh lol. which i also feel bad about because i normally like all my tik tok asks (i like all asks in general) i just wish the video itself could be displayed easier (aka: not as ugly) bc i feel like that would make them more inclusive for everyone? add better + faster context for whatever else i add bc it would be easier to view.
but idk. cuz i do like all the links i get + talk about... i just don’t wanna feel like it’s the only thing im good for sjdkfajkdfjak.
#and granted too im not good for a lot right now LOL i'm so drained#so i get it and theyre easy to respond to#so im not blaming anyone at all for interacting with in that way#i guess i just know nobody is really gonna be looking at the original vid so it feels a little off#knowing not everyone will get the same context me and the sender do#but it's fine#i long for more interaction (kinda. i think) but i dont have time for it#so i think what i long for is just more time and energy to respond to what i have#so i can get more of those original thoughts#but truly im happy where im at#gotta take it easy for now#and spend what time i can on... longer things. honing my skills and such#anyway if u send tik tok links i hope u dont feel bad i do enjoy them#but take this as u will LOL#i like original thoughts too! even if only one sentence#💕💕💕har har har#OH but also i started using#my tik tok account again#ihatetiktoks#so u can uhhh start sending things there too!#if u want#for less detailed responses ofc#what i wanted to say was like. i dont really wanna move all tik toks there but its nice having a spot for them#asdfkajhdfkahjs dunno#caitie rants
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#so im at my familys house#and im just sort of like okay i actually miss them so much#and like#idk !#for a long time is was kinda rough and i was seen as a failure and like i wasnt able to communicate at all#but like now im here and my aunt is like#we are so happy you are here and we need to do this more often#and i fully want to do it more often#for so long it felt like my family has completed abandoned me#some of them actually did lol but idk im older now and actually able to talk to them#it feels different#it feels like i want to be here#i will say some stuff is definitely coming up. Like earlier i started to feel some trauma feelings#the worst one i feel tbh#but like i just took a second and sat down and breathed#and it seemed like it passed ??#i definitely still feel weird and like i am on drugs even though i am stone cold sober right now#but i just am happy that i can be here with them right now#i wish my sister was here also#i miss her very much#but she heard who was coming this weekend and was like absolutely not lmao#i also talked to my family also about how i dont love my living situation right now#and they are all like please move near us#i dont know if thats an actual thing that i would for sure want right now#because one ive found a therapist finally that i ahsolutely adore and shes keeping me going lol#also even though im struggling to live where i live now#because of the 1 million events that have happened there and that have left me totally alone#i remembering loving where i live now#i remember thinking it was the only place on earth that i wanted to live#but without my best friends these days it just feels pretty isolating and lonely
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6/5/24
✿❈✿❈✿
Got research methods practice essay done
Got alot of sociology practice essay done
Didn't have to cook dinner
Raspberries
#happiness diary#happiness diary: may 2024#i got an eyelash in my eye right after i woke up and i dint know where it went#it might still be in there#ye its the same eye that git the hair stuck in it#dunno what happened but its not felt the dame ever since#im now just always mildly aware of my eye#which is... not what i want#but hey it is what it is#it currently feels like theres something right at the tearduct#but i blinded my self with my phone torch to check and couldn't see anything#so it might just be a stye which sucks but I'll live#its just annoying cus im the type to press the thing that hurts until it stops hurting#which only kinda works for bruises but for the eyes i feel like it makes it worse#so i should leave it alone but i feel it#should just go to sleep so i dont feel it
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i keep remembering i'll be going into emergency medicine and i am filled with both so much joy and so much fear. like.. woah dude.. i was not expecting to get this far. you mean i'm really gonna do that? you mean i am given the privilege to help people like that? you mean i am given the chance to be in a position to serve my community and the people around me in such a tangible way? you mean the kid i never got to be would be happy to see me now? like woah.. hey there.. let me sit down for a second that's a lot.
ignore the essay i wrote in the tags. it's a night /humorous
#personal#<- might start tagging these. ok to rb/like/reply/etc it's mostly for me or filtering haha#going through a Lot right now#and. it's weird#i usually don't feel much. at all#my feelings have always been super duper diluted. especially positive ones.#anger is probably the Only feeling I've ever felt like. raw. burning. etc#hope is such a weird feeling#like. it's dull. but it's there#i don't think i have ever felt happy. like in a “my brain literally does not have the capacity for it” way#but i think this is the closest i have ever gotten#when i reflect on where i came vs where im going#its weird#you mean.. there's life after surviving??#nuts.#and it's like. weird. because i should be really really sad right now#for personal reasons#but it's like.#i don't know#it's weird#everything's kind of numb but not really in a bad way. per usual. but it feels like there's a glimmer of something different#you spend you're whole life in a dark tunnel waiting to see the light that you start to wonder if it's even real#if “light” is just some made up story. like the ones parents tell their kids to get them go ready easy at night#but you trudge forward despite for it. because if light is not real#then#well#maybe the concept of light itself is real enough as is#through the pursuit of happiness you will find happiness#sorry idk why im so. poetic tonight im kinda having a moment#tl;dr I've spent my whole life expecting to die imminently and I'm shocked to see that things can‚ do‚ and are getting better
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