#and i dont know if that will ever happen
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God I desperately want a good happy future, with a loving wife/gf/partner, painting and baking and going on picnics and being happy in our own little cottage in the middle of the woods but the horrifying ordeal of staying alive right now is making it almost impossible to even dream of this!!
#its like#god i really want now to be over#and get to the future where i imagine mysekf happy#but its just my imagination#and i dont know if that will ever happen#i dont know if it will ever come true and that makes staying alive right now a very difficult thing to do#what's the point if the future might not hold anything better yk#ugh#im just kinda sad rn
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because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.
you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.
you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.
don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.
if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.
you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:
how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!
aren't you happy yet?
#almost wrote the champagne line as ''effervescent'' but legit could not write it without saying ''effervescent like a snail''#ah tumblr...#writeblr#warm up#idk . having trouble writing rn#ps i don't like to talk about it . it is my medical information. but before you ask. yes this is about being on the spectrum#i really don't like when ppl make my writing about how im [whatever ID]. i want it to ring true for the people who it rings true for#i don't want it to be like ''awwwww look at this person!!! she's the EXCEPTION!!! :)" .....#no.... not really.....#idk something gross happens whenever i admit to certain conditions and i turn into like inspiration p*rnography#like yes they actually let us use keyboards these days#furthermore i just... dont feel comfortable talking about this part of me. i had too bad of a childhood. adhd is one thing...#this one im like. still coming to terms with. which is like. my own journey.#idk. just please be kind. some things are more private than others. this one feels private to me.#i do not know how to help others w/this . and i do not know how to help myself. i will talk about it if im ever ready. idk if that will#actually ever happen#ty in advance i love u im kissing you we are kissing somewhere on the spectrum
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i drew johnny "soap" mactavish as phreak (the original design) from overwatch.
bonus (just for fun):
#this is the most random thing ive ever done#i just saw hazard's design and my inner ovw fan which had laid dormant for over 5 years revived like it was frankenstein's monster#from phreak to hazard...can we talk about a diva down#he was supposed to have a stupid monster energy mohawk...and hes scottish???#sorry. i had to draw johnny as him#this is so stupid and indulgent i really dont know guys#the target audience of this post is one person and that person is me#this will never happen again#simon ghost riley#john soap mactavish#overwatch#phreak#giragi art
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i hope everyone in nintendo’s management department dies and goes to hell no matter what and i’m not kidding
#WERE LOSING YUZU AND CITRA. I DONT KNOW IF YOU ALL UNDERSTAND HOW INSANE THIS IS#game emulation enables piracy yes but it’s also an INCREDIBLY powerful archival tool.#there are plenty of games out there that only exist in their original formats due to emulation.#this lawsuit has HORRIBLE implications for video game history. it makes it incredibly easy for companies to scorched earth their products#if they’re not profitable enough. ART IS GOING TO BE LOST BECAUSE OF THIS. GAMES PEOPLE WORKED INCREDIBLY HARD ON#it won’t just happen to bad games. it won’t just happen to old games. they will use this to keep their remake/virtual console model going#forever and you will never be able to play your favorite games in their true original forms ever again.#i am fucking INSANELY mad rn. capitalism is the death of art fr#personal
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the captured! quest was so funny that i actually drew multiple things at once
#dragon age#dragon age fanart#surana#warden surana#dragon age origins#alistair theirin#zevwarden#zevran arainai#grey warden#dao#da: origins#so many beautiful choices made in this quest#like why did they strip us down#that guard folded to the most casual insinuation ever#i didnt even know i was flirting until i did#sorry he had to get ice blasted. and punched to death#then the looney toons series of events that follow#dont mind me officer#just a short regular human warrior who happens to have the same distinctive face tattoo as that fugitive grey warden you just captured!#itseart
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pin-up
b&w originals
#my art#basslinegrave art#venture bros#dr. girlfriend#dr. mrs. the monarch#the monarch#henchman 21#ok so. pin up and pinned butterflies. tell me thats not the best idea ever#did i manage to pull it off how i wanted? maaybe? i do like these but i wish i had used the same color settings for all#when using the howsitcalled. gradient map things. because they dont look as uniform#but i was lazy to redo dr mrs especially plus i like how she looks i just couldnt get monarch and 21 the same#also somehow these look better and more colorful on my pc?? usually its on my phone i dont know what happened#also i ended up adding one colored thing to each because i first colored in dr. mrs' eyes#then realized the other two dont have colored eyes but 21 has the red lenses. but monarch??#i only went over the logo on his chest a bit with a more reddish color but its not too visible so well#imagine its better and they all match properly...#hope i got the butterfly names right#those were last minute additions after i learned about the viceroy butterfly yesterday#dr mrs is a queen butterfly#ask to tag#suggestive#wanted to put that as one of the top tags but i wrote it with a typo so i hope tumblr picks it up this low#also forgor to say i put my crunch handle on these cause they were meant to go on that blog ignore that#i think i forgot to add one to monarch or i hid it that well lmao#my 2 braincells rubbed the wrong way
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oh thank god
#art from a while back#i played hk first and deepnest was like. the most uncomfortable ive ever been playing the game#mainly because its just so DARK#as for rw... when i got to shaded...... what the actual Hell#i eventually got used to just dying in the dark and exploring the first parts of the region but like. Why is it pitch black#i didnt even realize there was a path to the scav merchant at the first room..... i got to memory crypts before finding it in my next run#hollow knight#rain world#hk ghost#rw slugcat#rw survivor#artatat#?!?@?@?@?@ the alt text got removed for a sec Sorry about that im not sure why or how that happened#also im completely aware deepnest without a lantern is much darker but atleast it isnt pitch black. You know#i also wanna add on the fact i entered deepnest after the mantis lords and thought. “what kind of winning gift is this!?!?!?”#and felt like cornifer for the first couple of minutes LOL#but i had nowhere to go so womp womp :P#to clarify: i dont hate shaded its actually my top route to go from industrial to shoreline#but i hate deepnest with all my heart❤️ godbless#reading the rbs here is so fun.... so true guys#digital art
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been thinking about something wicked a little too much lately. no harm in romanticizing the ominous dreadful unstoppable force
#ultrakill#v1#v1cked#<- unsure if ive ever officially decided that was the tag id be using but i dont recall anyone else having an idea for it#v1 and something wicked... ouhehehe#in a game like this... with conflict and violence and unceasing demand for a spectacle it is a step back to have v1 find themselves in a-#dark and quiet labyrinth belonging to a force that scares even them#idk. i think about it. its so unlike everything v1 has gone through thus far (though albeit not much as 0-S is in prelude. but i assume-#-there was some killing before they decided to drop down)#maybe it reminds them of their home? where they were built? light humming of wicked passing feels like the buzzing of bright artificial-#-lights that were routinely shined down on them for maintenance#a strange but welcome connection...#and something wicked is very lonely. i dont think it has much of an issue with this seeing as it knows its maze so so well.. im sure it-#-cares for it extensively. but a machine? coming here? i wonder if something wicked has the ability to interact with the terminals at all#terminals do really only talk to machines#but this one seems quite lonely. i dont think itd mind if something wicked happened to take a look#ok im done#gen art
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I been talking to a lot of ppl w cats lately (I volunteer at an animal shelter) and I didn’t know this needed to be said but
PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO NOT DECLAW YOUR CAT.
Declawing sounds very normal to people who aren’t educated on it so let me show you what it actually is.
As you might notice from the diagram, the claw is attached to a small bone at the very end of a cat’s paw. They are fused to this bone, which on a human hand would be where your last knuckle is (the one right before your nail). When someone gets a cat declawed, they aren’t just removing the claw.
The entire last digit of the cat’s paw is removed. (See below)
This severely impedes the cat’s ability to balance itself, is extremely painful for them, and can make the cat extremely aggressive because it no longer has one of its main defense mechanisms! It can also cause many other medical issues down the line including infection, necrosis, and some cats are never able to walk correctly again. Most cats that have this done never fully recover from the procedure and are in constant chronic pain.
It is extremely inhumane and is illegal in only two states at the time I’m writing this!!!! (Maryland and New York) Cats should only have this procedure if it is a life or death situation, never just because someone finds a cat being a cat inconvenient for them. Don’t get a cat if you don’t want to be scratched or have some ruined furniture. If you want more information on this topic, I’d recommend Jackson Galaxy’s YouTube video on it, and to read up on some articles I will link in the comments.
I know I don’t usually post about these types of things, but it’s made me extremely angry to hear people mention getting their cats declawed so flippantly as if it doesn’t ruin the cat’s life, and always for an asinine reason like “they scratched my couch” or “they scratch my kids” THOSE ARE YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES AS A CAT OWNER. Treat your kids and peers to treat animals with respect, or don’t get a cat.
#so sorry followers I’m just so upset about it#I want to strangle every rich white woman that comes in and laughs about mutilating their cat’s paws#or bragging about how they couldn’t find any vet willing to do it#if you didn’t know#you didn’t know. but you know now so dont ever let it happen again#pets#cat#cat info#pet information#animals#important#very important#medical procedure
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They're such wildly different examples of what an emotionally tired person looks like
#Dilucs a “i got to do everything myself” tired#like not in a condescending way in a “I don't want my family in harms way ever which mean i have to do everything myself”#and kaeyas like a tired wine mom that seems super cool to the nephew/niece#but actually he's a fucking wreck that just happens to have enough money to 'handle' it alone without crimes and stuff#you know all those redemption dads like the guy from trigun reboot that replaced Millie#or the cop from detroit become human#or Daryl from twd#Or joel from the last of us#or Hopper from stranger things#they are that energy#someone get lost child that helps redeem them#(nudges bennett w a stick)#adopt him#plz#anyways#scribbles#artist on tumblr#genshin impact#kaeya alberich#diluc ragnvindr#not ship art#plz dont
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happy pride month. i did not make this up for th ememe
#knight rider#kr#michael knight#kitt#art#doodles#comic#gay#knight rider fanart#mk2000#this has happened in at least.... 2 or 3 episodes i think#that's kinda gay michael#kitt was either going to say he's not an infant or something about how that's a word he only hears directed at attractive women#and michael is not. going to deal with one of those answers. doesn't even wanna know which he was going to ask#im going downtown tonight if i die and this was the last post on my blog it would be so so so so so funny#anyway my mom and my aunt both follow my instagram and watched knight rider in the 80s. so. i embrace whatever happens ;;#im still thinking about ''why dont You ever get me flowers'' or however that line went.#likE YEAH MICHAEL YOUR CAR HAS SAVED YOUR LIFE *NUMEROUS* TIMES. GET HIM SOME FLOWERS.#SCREAMS. why is this show so fruity i feel insane#gio if you see this when you build your kitt you need to take him to pride parades with little rainbow flags stuck off the windows#FLAG is only one letter away from F-
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Happy (late) one year anniversary to me finishing s4 and not touching s5 with a ten foot pole
#the magnus archives#tma#jonathan sims#jarchivist#im sorry i dont think ill ever be mentally and emotionally prepared for s5#but i Know what happens#and im gonna try and listen to the dr david ep#bc insane doctors are my forte HAHA#my art
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professor layton spoilers
thinking about hershel and theodore both get adopted au
#professor layton spoilers#azran legacy spoilers#miracle mask spoilers#was giggling so much making that teenage desmond design#NEEEEEERRRRDDDDDD#the thought of him having beef with a 12 year old. hilarious#also i dont really remember what happened in miracle mask exactly soni probably got some details wrong#silly drawings#professor layton#hershel layton#desmond sycamore#bronev brothers#bronev bros#hershel bronev#theodore bronev#<- hershel layton and theodore layton but you know#i want to make a tag for this au in case i ever do more with it but idk what to call it#pl Layton brothers au#<- sure whatever
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What's happening with Theo Solomon is so, so frustrating and needless and disgusting (more info can be found at this post), and I also want to acknowledge the treatment of Wyll's original voice/mo-cap actor, Lanre Malaolu.
Malaolu gave an excellent performance! His delivery and the way he incorporated mannerisms and posture into Wyll's physicality was amazing. The original characterization of Wyll was written very well and matched the general tone of the wider party/narrative.
And to suddenly have Larian, years into the project, rewrite the character entirely and then re-cast it? To have other actors talk about how Wyll just 'wasn't working' as a character? All because of fan criticism that places ridiculous (and often contradictory) standards and expectations on black characters. Even if the re-cast resulted from scheduling conflicts (as Malaolu couldn't come in to re-record), we lost Malaolu's entire performance because of a rewrite that was simply not necessary.
And after disregarding Malaolu's years of work into this character, the same criticisms that Larian caved into are thrown at Wyll's rewrite, and the same disregard is being seen with Theo Solomon again and again. As someone who started playing early access when it first came out, fans' treatment of Wyll and his actors hasn't gotten better. It's actively gotten worse.
#lanre malaolu#theo solomon#wyll ravengard#bg3 wyll#bg3#baldur's gate 3#i dont have twitter or twitch#and i dont interact with actors social media#but i love wyll and these actors' performances#and i hope they know that people have enjoyed them!#i just cant get over what happened at that panel#why would you ever prioritize fan questions over letting an actor have their turn to speak????#like fcking hell...#edit: reworded stuff to make it clear why the re-cast came about!
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"But lying there helpless with a massive aperture in my chest... I won't let that happen again."
Part of an art trade with @thisisaasecret00
#perceptor#idw1#maccadam#transformers#all hail megatron#ahm#tf#cerebrocentric art#eye strain#/i know i dont talk about Perceptor here but#/the fact that the realisation that he was defenseless and powerless against Turmoil was so shocking and terrifying to him#/that he modified his frame and composure to never ever let that happen to himself ever again#/is something that i think about often#/ :(
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HEY HI HELLO!!!
AY(OYM)!!! What a time to be alive
#cataclysmic level teru event happening now today. RIGHT NOW TODAY#have YOU ever wanted to be pelted with rocks*? have YOU ever wanted to get so upset you have to throw your device and pace around your room#every other minute? well boy do i have a fic for you#read And You (Or Your Memory) today! right now!#anyways IM SOOOO SO EXCITED TO READ THIS YOU DONT EVEN KNOW YOU DONT UNDERSTAND#EXPLODES#im finished talking. finished talking FOR NOW.#i have to get to the actual fic so you have like a minute of peace before i start losing my shit#i dont know who im talking to tbh with you. ominous anonymous you#anyways#byeees!!#*emotional rocks. but if you want you can be pelted with real rocks too. it adds to the experience
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