#im judgemental because this is a field that is supposed to help people

[christiannerd]

IBS is a disability

TW for discussion/vent about how a disability affects me, and mention of having to hide pain

Disclaimer: I am new to Tumblr, and have yet to watch an etiquette video. If I have accidentally said or done anything I wasn't supposed to, it was entirely unintentional, and I deeply apologize. I will correct it as soon as I am made aware.

Warning: long post ahead (under the cut)

IBS should be considered a disability. I know a bunch of people in the disabled community online already consider it one, but legally it's not considered one.

Sure, im still able to have a job and do my school work, but that doesn't mean it doesn't make those things harder than it would be for someone who's digestive system isn't a mine field.

What happens when I have a flare-up at work? Which, by the way, has happened before. I can't just take a 2 hour bathroom break in the middle of my 8 hour shift! So I just stand there. in pain. ignoring the pain. keeping that customer-service smile on my face so the customers don't notice I'm in pain.

One time (before I had my meds, so the pain was a lot worse back then too) I was working a shift and my boss stationed me in the elevator. Literally the most useless job I could have been given, I was just there to press the buttons for customers. (I had a more important role at one specific spot in the shift, but that lasted like 5 minutes). I had a flareup towards the beginning of that shift. I could tell this was going to be a multi-hour bathroom visit, so I couldn't do anything about it until I got off work. I was in so much pain that I just wanted to curl up into a ball and cry. But of course, I couldn't do that. I had to stand there, and smile, and keep working. So not only was I having to smile through the judgemental stares and comments bc I was being paid to press elevator buttons, but I had to ignore being in agonizing physical pain as well.

Its not that my IBS stops me from having a job, but it probably effects my performance at my job. Who can focus in that much pain? Sure that day focus wasn't really an issue bc I was just pressing elevator buttons, but in any other position it would have been a major problem. And if I dealt with the problem to make the pain go away, I'd lose several hours of work, on a consistent basis, and probably be fired for it.

And as far as school, hygine, and social life goes, I lose several hours out of my day, every day, to being stuck in the bathroom trying desperately to make the pain go away. You think that doesn't effect my ability to find time for homework? You think that doesn't effect my ability to make it to class? You think that doesn't effect my ability to take care of my body in other ways?

I very often have to choose between going to class or taking a shower, because the time I was suppose to be in the shower, I was on the toilet. I often have to choose between getting my homework done, and spending time with friends, because the time I was supposed to be doing homework, I was stuck in the bathroom. I know homework vs social life is a common time balancing problem for students, but for most people it's "less time with friends to get the homework done", but for me it's very often "no time with friends to get the homework done". It's so isolating. If I didn't see these people at church, and at club meetings, I'd probably never get to see them. (and yes, I have missed or been late to those bc of my IBS as well)

My IBS has kept me up until the middle of the night before. It's made me miss class. It's made me late to things. It's made me miss exams! (Thank goodness my professors were understanding enough to let me take it another time).

The only ways I can manage my IBS is by taking meds, and/or severely restricting my diet. My pills help me be able to avoid some of the pain from eating food, but like any disability aid, it doesn't help 100%. Without my meds, most vegetables are completely out of the question. So is a long list of fruits, and so many other things. Even tea hurts me! Coffee too! Meds help, but I'm still in pain. Less pain, but still pain. And im still spending hours in the bathroom. 1-2 hours at a time, instead of 3-4, but it's still countable in terms of hours.

This is a lifelong condition that I was born with. If any other part of my body was effecting me this way, no one would doubt that I'm disabled. Heck, this effects me more than some of the recognized disabilities that I have! How is this not a disability?

[isagi101]

So Is It Me Or Does Eli Kinda Suck?

So Og Young Avengers was wild and Eli was wilder and with him being shown in Black Panther I wanted to state my unpopular opinion of him. First boy came running into the comic sexists for no reason. It’s so weird because I really wanted to like Eli so much and seeing Eli being added in cute incorrect quotes makes me feel like we could have that but Eli literally wasn’t that good i’m sorry. But I come with receipts.

So here is a long post written a year ago and eddied by younger sibling. <3

So I just wanted to talk about the Og young avengers and just like to make fun and just discuss what I think about them

Eli Elijah Bradley~  So like Eli first since I like him the least and like I really wanted to love him and at most I just have a lot of mixed feelings about him and the direction he took team leadership and just overall bond with the other team. But maybe judging him by just the others is rude or something. I just don’t think he’s whole plot was all that either. 

Anway, Eli overall doesn’t have a lot of back and forth with the other characters. He kinda sticks with interacting mainly with like three members at all times and just switches between them. He argues with nate, Quips with Billy and has back and forth with kate. 

His interactions with the other characters lack the necessary chemistry that it needs to prove that they are friends, his conversations with most of the team fall flat. 

Eli’s character is the Antithesis of show and not tell, his character’s likability relies on him being close with the other characters, but the interactions that he has with those characters leave more to be desired; He prioritizes his relationship with Kate more then the other characters, to the extent that it harms his other relationships. Eli replacing Nate for the title of leader is a direction that I enjoy his character taking because he doesn’t show enough care or support, for someone who is filling the role. The shift in affection between the group is decreased when he takes the role.  

Although that doesn’t mean that there was no significant character development for him, I just believe that he isn’t at the level of the former leader(Nate) or many of the other widely praised leaders in Marvel. >:(

 Ex. (Eli just discovered to be on drugs, and he decided to leave the team after that conflict, because he didn’t have real superpowers.(Disbanded) They all have those conflicted feelings, but still want to bring him back, during which Hulking is kidnapped. Despite the fact that he was in the leadership role just shortly prior, he decides to leave them to handle the dangerous situation without him )

This is a problem to me because even when Kate calls him out for the fact that he isn’t the only one without superpowers, and he still has skill outside of the super bad drugs, 

he still declines. Even when one of the people he is supposed to be close with is in a life or death situation he decides that he wouldn't help, This breaks the illusion that he is close with the other characters. Which wouldn’t be a problem on it’s own however having hindsight, this isn’t the only example that that he...  

Ex. (Billy goes crazyyyy, with a thought alone, concerning the others around him. The Avengers then want to keep him contained because it is similar to the previous event with Scarlet Witch,(they don’t know they are related at the time). Billy doesn’t like that they are  basically threatening him, for this. This causes a conflict with his team leading to his departure with them. The Avengers then send Captain America on to escort Billy from his home, while exposing his secret identity to his parents, ending with Billy and Teddy being locked up at the Avengers Tower.(This isn’t about Billy i swear xp)From this they then proceed to break Billy out of the cell they hold him in (against Billy’s best judgement) during this scene Eli says If you do have scary powers we want to be on your side, telling them to escape while they deal with the avengers. A great scene because it shows growth on their end as they offer support for him and what he wants, against them previously dismissing him. Cassie comes up with a plan to solve problem, where she says to bring Billy to her so she can then reverse the damage that she caused  .That is until Professor Xavier’s boyfriend Magneto enters the picture, like haha im your grandfather and I will totally bring you to your mother, and tries to kidnap them, Eli being the only one who is sceptical of Magneto’s true intentions, interferes. Magneto then dismisses him saying i didn’t want to anyways, so you can shut yo stupid ass up, to which Billy Rebutes with were a team so its all or none. And out of left field Eli is likee umm i don’t remember volunteering to be your ride or die so imma have to disagree with you there. A big battle starts between them, Magneto, and the Avengers, ending with Billy teleporting the team halfway across the world to “”. Eli proceeds to get upset by the fact that he was turned into a fugitive by Billy, who fled from the literal AVENGERS, saying that you could have at least asked firstttt. Billy then offers to return them, but they all decline because now they are apparently ride or die?_?. After this heartwarming moment, Eli then plots with Kate to backstab them and turn them into the Avengers, claiming that the Avengers may in fact have a good reason to locking him up in a cell. To which Kate says that he can go home if he feels that way, but he is all like I hAve tO StAy fOr YoU...  ) 

( Later on when Dr. Doom, Scarlet Witch, and Billy are attempting to give the mutants back their powers, Eli however is against this from the beginning as he feels that the mutants should have a choice in weather or not they should get their mutant abilities back as for some it means that they no longer have to live with that hate they receive for having them, Scarlet Witch aka girlboss aka based aka best character here is like i don’t care because i tried to ask them before and they were like omg no im literally going to try to murder youuuu, like the drama queens they are; anyways Eli interrupts their spell thingy by shooting an arrow at them, because he doesn’t trust Dr.dddddooooooommmmm, for the plot to continue of course, this only has a negative  impact as it in term doesn’t save the day, but gives the powers Billy and Scarlet Witch to Dr. Doom. Who then proceeds to kill Cassie, and Eli permanently leaving the team )

  Eli multiple times throughout this ark has said that he cares for Billy, and that the team is important to him, but not so soon after does something that hurts them, or says that he was only there to protect Kate, when they’re other priorities at the time(A least it end in him leaving the team and the title of leader, as he proves multiple times throughout this part that he doesn’t deserve the role, as he is more for Kate, and less the team). 

And like I talk alot about how Eli interacted with Teddy and Billy and kate obviously. Cassie and Jonas got left out because like he really don’t be talking to them I don’t really remember a time he actually like responded to any of them besides not liking Tommy cause jealously or something.Which is the whole point. TLDR Eli doesn’t talk to anyone but Billy, Kate and Nate. when he does he’s being jealous or barely responds. He’s not a good leader because he proritez his feelings and relationship over the team. He’s Sexist (he gets better i think) And then just dips and doesn’t come back till the freaking wedding. Like.... He has little to no actual development and to was just added to have a black character there. 

[astrologista]

Kristoph Gavin Character Analysis I

Part 1 of... fucking infinity, I hate this bitch so much lmao.

Well, it's Halloween time and I just thought, why not. So let's answer this question.

What makes Kristoph Gavin a scary character/villain? A soft spoken gentleman with a deadly secret... the Devil, who lives in his hand, that crazy evil scar thing, his creepy music theme... damn, he’s a scary dude. But scariest of all? His psychology, as we all know. (This is mostly gonna be headcanons. but ya know what, I have a license (hands you a piece of paper that says ‘i can do what i want’))

Kristoph seems like a person who is very aloof, particularly when it comes to personal relationships. At first he kind of just seems like the typical anime glasses guy whose main emotion is like whooa he does the glare thing with his glasses sometimes. But... what is he really about?

You know, let me digress for a moment, what's really interesting to me about the AA characters is how much depth they have in their writing. Case in point, Adrian Andrews. There's a character who you assume is just going to be the typical "anime glasses girl" who is a career woman who don't need no man, and is very aloof, cool, and as she says, not concerned with irrelevant topics or things. Later you learn about the true depths to her personality. The fact that she is codependent, that she needs other people telling her what to do in order to survive. Just because she masks these emotions doesn't mean they don't exist. I felt that really gave a lot of depth to her character and added another dimension that stories in this genre don't often address as boldly or fully (especially when it comes to a female character). So the quality of the writing is always really top notch with only a few exceptions. Take this as context...

Now getting back to Kristoph Gavin. Typical anime glasses dude, right? But no, though. One of the reasons why he's so interesting to me is how his emotional understanding of personal relationships really works. Or seems to, anyway. Based on the endgame testimony and his crimes, Kristoph Gavin is extremely dangerous because, should you get involved with him in any way, he will never, ever let go of you, ever. Once you are entangled with him he wants you to stay entangled, not unlike an overbearing parent who refuses to let you go. It's partly that he thinks he knows what's best for you (that is, to stay completely loyal to him). And also partly... because he is pretty dependent on what other people think of him. So he needs to keep them around him closely.

Kristoph's biggest fear was his lying being exposed for what it was. That Phoenix was really the honest, straightforward attorney, and not him. Kristoph would do anything to perpetuate his own false reality. He kept it going for seven years. His absolute worst fear of all was losing his reputation. Being seen for what he truly was in front of others. He could never accept that. That fear drove all of his murders. Fundamentally, he sees himself as benevolent... when nothing could be further from the truth of how he was hurting everyone who had the misfortune of crossing his path.

Kristoph has a need to perpetuate this false identity of himself above all else. A very adjacent second goal to that is to keep all of his personal associates very close and under his control in order to keep the first goal intact.

Reject him and he will stalk you until you are dead. By his hand, or otherwise. Slight him, and he will get you at the first opportunity, case in point, Zak Gramarye. (He only had to get a quick glance at the guy and his fate was sealed. Turnabout Trump is a chilling case.) Replace him, and he will tear your life and livelihood up into little itty bitty pieces. He will then continue to stalk you aggressively for seven years while pretending he is your best friend. Case in point, Phoenix Wright.

Create false evidence for him and you become a loose end. So does your daughter. Like I said, just don't get involved with him. If he feels threatened, Kristoph Gavin will not hesitate to end you. It's definitely an obsession. I mean the first word that comes to people's minds when it comes to Kristoph usually isn't "obsessed", because he gives off the aura of being calm and uninterested. But he is, he's obsessed. You have to be obsessed to do what he did. This shit consumed his every waking hour, and that's what he won't admit. That he was so sick, he completely lost the plot. Phoenix was already living in his head rent free the day he ordered the forgery. And even though Phoenix wasn't physically present at the Misham trial and was only watching everything by video camera, you can bet Kristoph was seeing Phoenix. Hallucinating him, images of him. Probably multiple images of him. That's how obsessive. Imagine letting something or someone control you to that extent. Imagine thinking that you're so important, that Phoenix taking Zak Gramarye's case at all was meant to be a slight against you personally. (It's funny because Phoenix mentions not even knowing Kristoph at all until after the disbarment. So Kristoph's own logic in thinking that Phoenix was just out to shame him absolutely doesn't track. Ob-sessed, dude.)  

It's actually pretty astonishing that someone like Apollo made it out alive. On a side note, I really think Kristoph enjoyed having someone to mentor. He sought someone like Apollo out. Someone naive and new to the field for him to indoctrinate. And maybe I have a post about that later, cuz that's a whole 'nother barrel of monkeys right there. (It kind of involves Apollo’s naivete (also, daddy issues, hello.) being a huge reason why he would gravitate towards having a mentor known for having a “caring” personality. And I think Apollo genuinely liked that about him, which makes the end result so much more awful for Apollo to deal with because to him, that was real.)

But now think of Klavier, right. Being forced to grow up with that. To live with that your entire life. To have a familial relationship that is that smothering, that suffocating, that strangling. That controlling, to criticize every single thing that you do or say right down to the way you say it. And remember... He's never letting you go. I would go on a world tour as a rock star, too. Anything to be anywhere he isn't. This is horror movie tier stuff. (now im imagining a horror movie trailer for aa4 focusing on gavins stuff... eep!)

And Kristoph Gavin markets himself as someone who simply doesn't care. He's the coolest defense in the west and he doesn't care for what you may think about it. Except... he does care. It totally consumes him. Your perception, your opinion, is everything to him. He has shitty self esteem, deep down, because he knows Phoenix is better than him. And tries to mask it with narcissism as the two duke it out. Appearances are everything, evidence is everything. What people think is true is the only thing that matters, truth doesn't. And it makes sense that his closest contacts and associates are the targets for his constant narcissistic abuse and gaslighting. Their opinions matter even more than the common crowd - of course, Kristoph hates them. Which makes it even worse for him when the jury decides unanimously that Vera is innocent (and by implication, he is therefore guilty). The jury verdict was kind of like the ultimate confirmation that guess what, the evidence doesn't matter. The common and boorish masses have passed judgement, no matter how "mindless, emotional and irrational" they are, even they can see behind his crappy little facade. Even a blind woman like Lamiroir can see that insecurity; even a common person can understand it just by looking at the facts. That's what absolutely wrecks him... that his “poker face” couldn’t hold a candle to Phoenix’s. And he loses the “hand” again (because of his “hand”... get it??).

The identity that he needs to maintain is part of how he sees himself in his mind. As Phoenix's protector, not as his stalker. As Klavier's benevolent big brother, not as his abuser. As Apollo's teacher and mentor, not as someone guiding him into ruin. He lives in a false reality.

Try to bring this up in any way, shape, or form and he will write it off. You're just imagining things...

Because at some level, Mr. Black Psyche Locks himself doesn't even realize. (I feel like that might just be basically canonical fact, based on Pearl’s explanation of how black psyche locks are supposed to work.) That’s pretty freaking terrifying.

At the end of the day this is a big part of the reason I think his character is just so interesting. In a very messed up way, Kristoph is one degree away from being such a good person. He could've been obsessively protective of Klavier - the way a big brother is supposed to be - instead of abusive, could've actually been very caring of Phoenix instead of manipulative. Terrible people can have good traits, just as good people can have awful traits. His attention to detail and understanding of psychology (like getting Vera those gifts she would like so much) could've been used for genuine good. He could've been someone who cares deeply about other people because he does care deeply about other people. But only in terms of their relation to himself, what do they think of him, how are they useful to him.

Maybe this is why I kind of like his character. Intelligent, semi-neurotic protective characters are just my ish. But, no, he has to have a narcissistic bent that skews everything into complete abuse. That’s what makes him awful... that he’s devoid of a moral compass or true compassion for other human beings.

So in closing, fuck off, Kristoph Gavin.

Postscript, he's also such a good foil for Phoenix for this reason. Kristoph does everything for himself. Phoenix does everything for Trucy, because he's a dad and he understands the weight of what it means to really care for someone. Kristoph couldn’t understand motives like that. And Phoenix can't help it if he's an order of magnitude smarter and more mature than Kristoph is. He was just born like that. Classy as fuck. You know what, Kristoph Gavin is like the dollar store version of Phoenix Wright as an attorney. Has many of the same functions but actually doesn't have a leg to stand on and will fail you when you need it. And is revealed to just be a cheap knockoff of the real thing.

[stardewshanebae]

It’s so fluffy Im gonna die

Stardew Valley had been blanketed in night. Dark clouds rolled overhead, blocking any view of the starry sky. Rose loved walking in the woods south of her farm. There were few people and she could sit on the edge of the cliff and stare at the horizon. Her stomach churned as she approached the cliff. She knew what lay ahead. She held her breath even though the stench of beer already made its way into her nostrils. Her heart was either racing or stopped entirely as she waited to see if the familiar shape was breathing. Shane coughed and sputtered.

“Man, what’s to stop me from rolling off this cliff right now?”

“Shane, please! We’re having a baby, you were excited for this!”

Shane stood, this tall, looming figure and stumbled toward the edge of the cliff.

Thump. Thump. THUMP!

Rose lurched out of bed, panting and heart racing. 

What the hell? She thought. Who is here this early in the morning?

Rose quickly threw one of Shane’s hoodies on over herself before answering the door.

“Good morning, babe.” Much to her surprise, Shane stood before her clean shaven with a bouquet of roses and a to-go container.

Still half asleep, Rose took a moment to collect her thoughts. “Oh umm do you want to come in?” Rose stepped aside to let Shane in the farmhouse.

“Thanks, I won’t be long, since I have to get to Joja on time, but I wanted to ask you something.” Shane stepped in and set the container and flowers on the table. “First,” Shane kneeled down and kissed Rose’s belly, “Good Morning baby” Rose giggled. Shane stood up. “Rose,” Shane put his hands on her waist and pulled her in closer, “make yourself available tonight at 6:00. I’ll meet you here. “ Before she could reply he leaned in and kissed her. Before pulling away he smirked and whispered, “I’m not asking”.

Rose smiled. “It’s a date then.”

Shane pulled away and turned to leave. He commented, “By the way, you look good in my shirt”.

Rose laughed as Shane closed the door behind him. She couldn’t help but smile to herself. 

It was just a bad dream, Rose. He’s better. He is. 

It was so good to see him on the upside. He was even beaming since they found out they were expecting, though they hadn’t told anyone yet. Since that day he always brought her breakfast and dinner, often staying over, and helped her with the farm. 

She turned to the to-go box on the table— inside was a delicious homemade breakfast scramble of eggs, sausage, peppers, cheese, and tomatoes. Shane was a phenomenal cook when he set his mind to it. Those Rose still struggled with food, she couldn’t bring herself to turn down such a kind act from Shane

After her breakfast she cleaned up and went to tend to her farm. She started by letting all the animals out, grooming, and collecting, then proceeded to work in the fields. By the time she was finished, it was well past lunchtime. Rose decided to head inside and shower to wash the grime off herself. 

As she washed her hair, she wondered what on earth Shane could want. He looked so excited, and confident. She smiled. He has been gaining confidence recently. A part of her always worries though, she knows what that darkness feels like, and how easy it is to relapse. 

Rose stepped out of the shower and dried off. Looking through her wardrobe, she tried to decide what would be best to wear. 

She looked through her drawers until she found a long brown skirt, a white shirt, and a soft blue cardigan. She cinched her belt around her waist. She was starting to notice the baby bump, but it was easy enough to cover up. She pulled up some socks and tied up her boots. She looked at her reflection in the mirror. It’s been a while since she’s gotten all dressed up, but she was happy to be dressed up for once.

 She didn’t love wearing makeup, but the occasion seems to call for it. Rose dug around in some of her boxes until she found it. “Aha! The makeup pouch”

Rose looked at her reflection and applied some light makeup. She dabbed some blush, added some mascara, and finished by applying some light lipstick and smacking her lips together to fade it out. She reassessed herself. Now for this hair. She brushed her hair out, and pulled two of the front pieces back with a blue ribbon. 

A few minutes later, Rose heard a knock on the door. She opened the door to see Shane with yet another bouquet of flowers, dressed in jeans and a grey button down shirt. His hair was combed back and he stood in the doorway. “Wow” he breathed. 

Rose blushed and smirked. “You should wow yourself” 

Shane handed her the flowers. “I know I already got you flowers, but I really wanted to get you more.”

Rose took the flowers and put them in a second vase. “Thank you so much” She kissed Shane on the cheek. He was warm. “So where are we going tonight, Mr. Bossy?” 

Shane held out his hand for Rose. “I suppose you’ll have to trust me”. He walked her out of the farmhouse and down toward Cindersap Forest. 

They strayed from the path to a small clearing in the center of a grove by the lake. There was a blanket with a basket in the center. Bowls with candles were scattered around the clearing. Some string lights were strung from the trees. Some throw pillows were scattered on the blanket. Shane led Rose to the blanket, took a seat and patted the blanket next to him. Rose obliged and joined him on the blanket. Shane opens the basket to reveal an assortment of fresh foods and artisan goods. He moved the basket off of the wooden board and started spreading the food out. Shane layed out various cheeses, crackers, cut bread, oils, pepperoni, pepper jam, grapes, sliced oranges, and deviled eggs. Shane held up an egg to Rose’s mouth. She took a bite. It was so good. The filling was creamy and flavorful. Shane smiled “Charlie lays the best eggs.” Rose smiled back, “She sure does, huh?”

Across the lake, Rose could see the pier where she and Shane shared so many memories together, drinks, making out like reckless teens, swimming, their first time… 

Shane has always had a warm aura. He was the kind of warm that Whiskey made you feel on the inside after a shot. He was warm in the way that the sun warmed the floorboards of the farmhouse in the afternoons. He could also burn you like a hot pepper if you didn’t know how to cut the heat. His cold front never got to her though. 

Rose and Shane snacked on the board as they talked. 

Shane looked across the lake at the pier. “You know, I’d like to say I knew you were different the moment I met you, but that would simply be a lie. I didn’t know you were different until we sat on that pier and drank beer together with our feet in the water. You sat with a depressed drunk everyday, even when I gave you the cold shoulder and cut you short. You were always there. You saw me on that pier and you sat with me. No judgement. Just kindness. It sounds pitiful that kindness is what made me see you differently. It wasn’t that I didn't feel anything for you, I was scared of getting my hopes up. So I tried to push you away. But it didn’t deter you. “ 

“Of course it didn’t Shane. You’re special and I love all the parts about you, even when you’re a grump.” 

“Rose, I love you so much. You are a light. I chose this spot for our date tonight because, well, that night you joined me on the pier, for the first time I could see past the night through til tomorrow. I started to look forward to seeing you in passing, even if I couldn’t express it. I didn’t want to make a fool of myself or ruin the friendship. But you kept being kind, you kept going out of your way to see me, and you melted me. It wasn’t until you helped me get to Harvey’s that I knew I couldn’t live without telling you how I felt. I was so scared but you smiled and loved me more. I didn’t deserve that from you. You gave me tomorrow over and over and over again. ”

“Of course you did Shane. You’ve always deserved love. Even when you were at rock bottom, you deserved love. And I'm happy to love you.” 

Shane smiled and cupped Rose’s cheek. “I love you.” 

“I love you too”

Shane reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out a necklace with a small blue shell at the end of it. It shimmered and glowed before Rose’s eyes. “Rose, I can’t imagine a day without you by my side. I know I still have a long way to go and grow, but I want to grow with you. I know you’re going to think this is because of the baby, but I’ve had this planned for a long time. I love you. Jas loves you almost as much as I do. I want tomorrow with you, forever. Rose, will you marry me?” 

Tears welled up in Rose’s eyes. She was feeling a rush of joy and excitement, “Yes, yes of course. “ 

Shane fastened the necklace around Rose’s neck before pulling her into a kiss and wrapping his arms around her. “I promise to love you and cherish you and grow with you as long as I can”

Rose pulled away and cupped Shane’s face in her hands. “I promise to love you and our babies as best I can.” 

“Babies? Plural?” Shane looked worried. 

Rose smiled and nodded, “Jas and our sweet baby girl.”

Shane smiled and grabbed Rose’s hand “I don’t want to wait. Let’s get married in 3 days. We can get everything together for it by then, hell, the only thing you’ll need to do is get your dress ready. I think Emily could certainly help you with that.” 

Rose laughed. “Yeah, she’s gonna be so excited too. Say, did you tell anyone you were doing this?” 

Shane smiled, “Well, I did talk to Emily about it, and I asked Jas about it about 4 months ago. “

“Four months? But tha-”

“I told you, I’ve been planning this for a long time, Rose.” 

Rose leaned into Shane. “Spend the night tonight?” 

He smiled and hugged her. “Of course.” 

They cleaned up the picnic set, and started to stroll around the lake, just enjoying each other’s presence. 

“I’ll have to call my parents and let them know we’re getting married. “

Shane smiled. “Yeah, you’ll be Mrs. Caulfied come Saturday.” 

Rose blushed. Her fingers intertwined with Shane’s and everything felt right. The cool fall air nipped at her cheeks and the leaves crunched under their feet. 

Shane dropped the picnic basket off in front of the ranch and they walked to the farm together. 

[abortionado]

i need to state an unpopular opinion and i feel like you are one of the few that wont stone me for it (maybe): i dont like jj that much 😳 i mean she was lowk toxic at times and when spencer was going through his thing she did not care but when spence was like im here for u she was like i was tortured stop asking if im okay u dont know me 😡 like... u realize he... the whole dilaudid....... like it was unfair how she treated him sometimes love aj sm but ... (im sorry this was so long omg)

Thank you for this because this is an interesting discussion to have!!

I didn’t like JJ at first because I thought she was super bland, but she’s grown on me over time, because I’ve sort of realized why her presence is so important to the team: she’s an everyman, and we’re supposed to see ourselves in her.

I love all of the other characters, of course, but they’re a little “out there”, if that makes sense, and I don’t think they’re very easy for common audiences to relate to.

Hotch is a hardass, 100% stoic, nearly fearless leader who is kind when he needs to be and always closes the BAU’s cases, usually flawlessly. We all want a leader like this in our lives—who cares very much for us (but not enough that it clouds his judgement), who will graciously take a band of misfits under his wing and treat them as his own, who almost always makes the right calls and almost always gets the job done—but do we know leaders like this? Could any of us ever truly be a leader like this?

Morgan is an absolutely perfect picture of classically noble masculinity—he’s intelligent, loyal, good-hearted, protective of his loved ones, and, obviously, very physically attractive. We can and do love him endlessly, but he’s too good to be true. How many men have you met that are as brave and selfless as Derek? Could you ever look at a situation where you understand that you’re likely to burn to death alone among the wreckage of an ambulance and decide to take that chance in order to save a handful of strangers? Maybe you have, and maybe you could, but I haven’t and couldn’t.

Reid (before season 13 because idc about any of that) is a classic golden child. He’s the team’s little darling (and, in some cases, the viewers’ little darling). He’s soft-spoken, ingenius, introspective, non-confrontational, and, in situations where he’s involved in a conflict, he always acts with both heart and head and always takes the moral high ground, even if it’s not the best decision. He cares deeply about his friends. We as viewers tend to feel very, very sorry for him (or at least, we’re supposed to). When he argues with someone else, he’s usually in the right, and I find myself taking his side. Spencer is a fantastic character, and most of us (I don’t know if this is you) adore him, but there’s almost no one in real life who manages to be so consistently calm, mild-mannered, and thoughtful, not to mention the fact that his superficial intellect is purposely dramatically exaggerated. (There are only so many geniuses in real life.)

Garcia is. Garcia, so I don’t think I really have to get into this one, but people (especially people who have every reason in the world to be cynical) so unwaveringly optimistic and loving are uncommon.

Prentiss is a texbook chaotic good. She doesn’t always make the right choices, but she usually does, and she’s always driven by her strong moral compass. There are very few real-life people so willing to disobey orders and risk losing everything for the sake of doing what they believe is right. From the time she was introduced, we’ve been made to understand that if Emily sets her mind to something—if she truly believes she deserves something, if she is truly devoted to someone, if she truly believes that morality directs her one particular way—she will not rest until her goal is met. She is determined to a degree that most of us can only aspire to. She fears no man, god, or unit chief. Don’t all of us wish we could be that way? Unafraid, always able to do what’s right even if the world is telling us no?

Rossi is wise, classy, and just mysterious enough that he’s like glamorous character from a mystery novel. He always knows what his team needs to hear. He knows everything about his field. He knows exactly when someone needs a reassuring word or backup or a…family spaghetti night. I don’t think I have to elaborate too much on Rossi, either, but I think that we all wish we had someone like Rossi in our lives who always knew what we needed and could always give it to us.

I’m not saying this is BAD. It’s the opposite, actually, because romanticizing the human condition is a necessary element of drama. Criminal Minds is a drama, and when someone writes a drama, they need you to deeply love the characters so that you’ll worry about them and cry for them when they’re hurting. Can you imagine if these characters were as moody, snippy, and occasionally selfish as all of us are in real life? It wouldn’t be enjoyable at all! I would be so pissed off the whole time I watched lmao

But, at the same time, we as viewers do need someone who we can really, truly relate to, and THAT is why I love JJ, and why I think she’s such an important member of the team.

JJ has a family, and that is what’s most important to her. She’s a mother before anything. Everyone has a mother, and some viewers are mothers, so this is something the vast majority of us can relate to. She loves Spencer, but she snaps at him or doesn’t have the patience to deal with him sometimes. Don’t we all do that to the ones we love occasionally?

JJ is “bland,” meaning she doesn’t have one big, bold, defining personality trait that we can smack down on her (like the others—“brave,” “smart,” “chaotic”) because she’s supposed to reflect us. JJ is supposed to help us relate to these wacky, melodramatic characters in a more human way. She interacts with the rest of the team in a way writers imagine we as viewers can relate to— she’s a little intimidated by Hotchner, but grows closer with him as the years go on. She babies Spencer, but gets frustrated with him when he talks too much or is incapable of reading the room. She finds Penelope strange, and adores her for that. She wants Emily Prentiss to top her. She’s overwhelmed following a traumatic incident in a way that none of the other characters ever really have been.

Does that make sense? JJ is y/n, is what I’m saying. This is just my opinions so if you think differently that’s totally fine, but I just thought I’d write a dissertation on your anon ask haha

[cole-grey-writes]

Kiss Me Better

Universe: Marvel Cinematic Universe

Timeline: Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier

Character(s): Sam Wilson

Pairing(s): Sam Wilson x Male Reader

Warning(s): swearing, completely inaccurate medical procedures because im not a doctor and 16 y/o

Summary: You were injured on a mission and in order to stave off infection, you have to get a shot...

OLD A/n from over a month ago: I got shots at the doctors probably a week ago (and I'm just now finishing this because frickin executive dysfunction kicked my ass). I don't have a bf/gf in real life to kiss me better, but I can always pretend with fanfiction. Enjoy

NEW A/n from right now: shit it’s been a long time huh? yeah, this was supposed to be uploaded over a month ago but for some reason I just... didn’t put it up. Idk, I think I was going through some shit so I wasn’t interested in anything at all and I was super unmotivated. Anyway, I finally got it up. Hope you all enjoy :)

“Sam!” you say his name with joy. The pain coursing through out your body isn’t enough to keep you from throwing your arms around your boyfriend as soon as he’s close enough to where you sit on the plain white bed in the SHIELD medbay.

You wrap your arms around him and squeeze as hard as you can without causing pain to shoot up your arms from your injuries. Sam returns the favor and hugs you close to his chest. You can’t help but wince when he unknowingly presses into a large bruise stretching across your stomach, but you don’t want the hug to end so you try to hide it. Sam obviously sees right through you and let’s go, although he doesn’t stop touching you. Sam’s hands rest on your arms gently, trying not to press on the bruises and cuts that are covered in bandages.

“Don’t ‘Sam’ me. You are an absolute moron,” Sam tells you, pointing a finger. Your mouth falls open in offense and try to say something but he interrupts you. “Did you think jumping in the line of fire was really your only option?”

“...Well, it seemed like the only option at the time.”

“Jesus,” Sam swears. “You are just as bad as Steve.”

“I am not nearly–”

“Don’t you dare try to deny it,” he tells you. He reaches up with his hand and shuts your mouth for you. “You know it's true,” Sam says it without judgement, like he knows how much people’s lives mean to you.

“Agent L/n,” SHIELD Doctor Vivienne Becker is suddenly standing next to you. She addresses you with a comfort as if talking with an old friend. Or maybe with exasperation of talking to an annoying younger sibling.

“Vivienne,” you greet back with a much lighter tone than her. “It’s nice to see you again.”

“I wish I could say the same,” Dr. Becker says, “but you're covered in contusions, lacerations, and just had two bullets removed from your femur and scapula.”

You tense when you feel Sam shift next to you, feeling his gaze on the side of your face. You aren’t even looking at him and you just know that his eyebrows are raised in scorn. “Oh, so you were shot, too?”

“Uh.”

“Fortunately, there was no damage done to any vital organs or major arteries.”

“Well, at least that,” Sam mumbles.

“However,” Dr. Becker interrupts pointedly, “there was foreign residues found on the bullets that were designed to attract special bacteria.”

You sigh. “And now it’s in my blood.”

“Correct and we’ve figured out how to neutralize the effects, but…”

“‘But’?” you wonder, whining. “‘But’? No, why ‘but’, Vivienne?”

“But,” Dr. Becker continues, “the treatment is in the form of a syringe.”

You suddenly sit up straight. “A shot?!” you scream, eyes going wide.

“A shot?” Sam wonders completely cluelessly. “What’s wrong with a shot?”

“It is one shot and it will be injected into your right shoulder,” Dr. Becker informs you before walking away to let you wallow in self pity.

You groan and throw your head back because fucking goddamn it, this would be your luck. A shot right when you get back off the field.

“What’s wrong with a shot?” Sam wonders again. You sigh heavily and took at Sam with your eyebrows raised. He looks at you blankly for a few seconds before he breaks out into a smile. Sam aws at you, causing you to purse your lips. “Are you afraid of shots, baby?”

You click your tongue and say, “Sam,” while growing more annoyed with his sugar sweet smile.

You ignore him (whether it’s because you love him or because you have no idea how to respond to his question, you don’t know), deciding instead to work out some stress by looking at anything other than the needles that seemed to be everywhere you look now.

Sam actually has to reach over and stop you from wringing your hands dry. “Come one now, baby,” he untangles your hands and intertwines one of yours with his. You aren’t able to help just melting under his smooth and caring voice. “It’s just one shot, it won’t be that bad.”

You hum doubtfully, squinting your eyes at him but squeeze his hand harder. “I hate shots,” Sam nods understandingly. “Shots suck. Shots can go fuck–”

You don’t get a chance to finish your rant because Dr. Becker walks back over to you and wonders, “Are you ready?”

Taking a deep breath and releasing it, you squeeze Sam’s hand to reassure yourself. “I suppose,” Dr. Becker doesn’t say anything, turning to grab the syringe. You bite your lip to steal yourself.

“Hey,” Sam says softly. You look at him and he shows you your interlocked hands. “Here, you can squeeze my hand to help you through it.”

“You sure?” You crack a smile, feigning hesitation. “I might break your hand.”

Sam hums dismissively. “I’m sure I can bear it.”

Dr. Becker turns back to you with a syringe in her hand. You tense at the sight of it but Sam moves closer, the warmth of Sam’s body on your leg enough for you to let go of your lip.

Dr. Becker pinches your arm and starts to inject you. Your face contorts and you wince in pain. While you’ve been punched, kicked, stabbed, and shot many times, it doesn’t make this any easier. You have to squeeze Sam’s hand as hard as your weakened state allows you. And it may be a bit of an ego boost but Sam winces from your grip.

In reality, it only takes about ten seconds but to you, it feels like a lifetime before Dr. Becker pulls the needle out. “Alright, all done,” she tells you, putting a bandaid where the dot of blood is. “The medicine should take effect immediately, so you need to rest up as much as possible. You can get your crutches from Nurse van Wieren when you’re ready,” she tells you and then leaves.

You look up at Sam to see him with a small smile on his face, looking back at you. “What?”

“Now, was that so bad?” he asks you.

“Yes,” you conclude firmly. You watch Sam try to hold back his smile, but failing miserably. You click your tongue at him, half heartedly hitting him in the chest. “I’m serious. Feels like a rod going through my arm.”

Sam chuckles but says, “Sorry, it’s just…” Sam shrugs. “I didn’t know that about you.”

He says it warmly. It reminds you of the first time you two had met almost a year ago when Sam had tested your name on his tongue right in the middle of HYDRA 2.0. You and Sam exchanged phone numbers right after the whole mess had been cleaned up.

“You know now,” you tell him. “So what?”

Sam shakes his head. “So nothing. I like learning new things about you, even almost a year into our relationship,” and isn’t that the sweetest goddamn thing? You are the luckiest guy in the world. Sam’s tone goes comically serious. “No, seriously… you want me to kiss it better?”

“Shut up,” You blush. “And help me down,” Sam smiles, holding out his arms for you to grab. You put a hand on his shoulder, balancing yourself. Wincing as you shimmy your way off the bed, you favor the leg that didn’t have a bullet in it.

“You okay?”

“I’m fine,” you tell him, “thank you.”

“It’s no problem, baby,” Sam coos while gripping onto you. “And be prepared because I’ve got a special dinner waiting for you when we get home.”

You snort and scrunch your nose. “Dinner? It’s 10 o’clock.”

“Then, it’s a midnight snack,” Sam tells you sassily.

“It’s not midnight, either.”

“Humor me.”

You sigh. “Fine, it’s a late dinner snack.”

“Alright, then,” Sam concedes. “Let’s go.”

Nurse van Wieren hands you your crutches as you and Sam leave the medbay. You smile and thank him before he walks away.

Sam’s words finally hit you as you get into the hallway. “Wait, waiting for me? How did you know I was coming home today?” you question, grabbing your boyfriend’s attention. You watch as Sam’s face begins to flush. You squeal. “Oh my god! Did you make SHIELD tell you where I was?”

Sam doesn’t respond for a few seconds before, “...Maybe.”

“Aw,” you coo, causing Sam to scoff.

“Yeah, don’t let it go to your ego, L/n.”

“No, but you have to tell me,” you tell him, stepping into the elevator before Sam does. You stand side by side, staring at each other with matching grins on your faces. “Is this special treatment reserved for me alone… or do you keep tabs on Steve and Nat, too?” as you expected, Sam doesn’t answer and you can’t hide your laugh. “That’s sweet,” you praise. “I might just have to tell Steve and Nat about it.”

“Don’t you dare!” Sam warns, though the smile on his face doesn’t disappear.

“I won’t, I won’t,” you agree without a second thought. “I know Steve would be indignant for about a week and who knows what the hell Nat would do to you,” you and Sam share a laugh, Sam’s gaze falling to the floor while you continue to stare at him because god, you love that deep, breathy laugh he does. You feel like you’re a goddamn king everytime you manage to get even a single giggle out of your boyfriend.

“Hey,” you say, grabbing Sam’s attention. He turns to you, looking extra adorable with his hands in his pockets and that tooth rotting smile on his face. “I think I might take you up on that offer to kiss me better.”

This causes Sam to hum smugly, his grin growing bigger and even more sugary. “Really?” Sam says slowly while he places his hands on your arms, rubbing up and down tenderly. He’s obviously being careful of your wounds. Noticing this single detail about Sam and how he is around you, you’re struck with how much you love this man standing in front of you.

Sam places a chaste kiss right over your bandaid before he rests his chin on your shoulder. “I love you,” he whispers against your skin. You feel your heart grow warm at his words.

“I love you, too,” you breath. “Now, let’s go home so you can kiss me better. And before dinner gets cold.”

(NOT MY GIF)

Main Blog // Other Side Blog

((NO ONE HAS MY PERMISSION TO REPOST MY WORK ANYWHERE EVEN WITH CREDIT))

[kalperun]

Zebra (BSD, aku/atsu)

To my dear friend @whyis-every-username-taken and her wonderful BSD OC James Michener who can read the memories of people by looking into their eyes. It is also to be noted that he helped Akutagawa get out of the port mafia and join another ability group known as the Degenerates and helped solidify the relationship between Atsushi and Akutagawa.

Atsushi was never one to blatantly ditch unfinished work. Work that only needed a couple more pen strokes to pass Kunikida’s microscopic gaze of judgement before going on a lunch break. But these past few weeks, as soon as he saw that the clock struck noon, meaning that he was now allowed to leave for his hourly scheduled lunch, Atsushi found himself jumping straight out of his seat, towing his bag with him, and heading out the door in one quick fluid motion.

A fluid motion that should be reserved for signing his name at the bottom of his paperwork, something that he tended to forget. And Kunikida kept reminding him of that fact with increasing annoyance.

Besides Kunikida’s throbbing vein in his temple that Atsushi was positive would explode one day, it was as if he was more than eager to leave the closing walls of the ADA. As if he was more than jubilant to be rid of his co-workers; an excitement that was equal to Dazai’s past happiness when he finally found a method of suicide that was both a marvelous experience as it was completely painless.

But Atsushi never meant anything offensive by his quick need to leave as soon as the second hand met ‘noon’. He simply had places to be. Places and perhaps also something that he could be tending to. The ADA wasn’t his entire life after all. He had school and other people such as James to meet up with.

So when people such as Tanizaki raised an eyebrow at his rushed departure, and Ranpo merely stared at Atsushi with a look that told him he was more than willing to keep quiet in exchange for some candy, Atsushi learned to ignore it but always come back with said candy.

Mostly because some things were just not meant to be told. Some things were just meant to remain secret. It wasn’t necessarily lying. He simply wasn’t speaking about his lunches ime endeavors with a certain person.

That certain person who had pulled him straight into the alleyway by the ADA, hand covering his mouth as Atsushi held back a yelp until he realized who it was he was looking at.

“Were you followed?” Akutagawa asked without wasting a second as he released Atsushi, taking a moment to skillfully glance out the alleyway while remaining attached to the shadows.

“I know I wasn’t part of the port mafia and had all that ninja training you had, but I am part of the ADA,” Atsushi took a moment to remind. Although, he was slightly annoyed at the fact that Akutagawa had once again unexpectedly pulled him out from the street with unnecessary force. But on the upside at least he hadn’t used Rashoumon to do it. This time.

Akutagawa simply returned back to Atsushi’s side, an eyebrow quirked at the weretiger before he started to walk. “You’re skills in stealth are still mediocre at best.”

Okay, perhaps Akutagawa was a bit on the bullseye there but that didn’t mean that Atsushi wasn’t going to be defensive about it. “I’m not bad. It’s just not being in my tiger form can make it - difficult.” Weak argument, but at least Akutagawa was pitying him enough to not shatter the last defense he had against his pride. So in a last ditch effort to keep the ex-mafioso from speaking further he grabbed his hand, his arm pressed against the others own as they made their way out the opposite end of the alley, walking briskly down the street.

“Any plans on where you want to eat this time?” Atsushi asked as he looked up at the other. “I know you seemed to like that curry place from last week. We could go there again.”

All he received in response though was a rather unresponsive hum. Atsushi didn’t mind though. Akutagawa had things to look out for currently. Such as other ADA agents going out on lunch break. Only just one concern, but the biggest concern you can have when you’re trying to keep your relationship a secret.

“This way.” Akutagawa suddenly spoke up, gripping Atsushi’s hand tighter as he kept his head low, hand now wrapping around Atsushi’s shoulders urging him to do the same as the sides of their bodies were pressed against each other. It didn’t help that Atsushi had such distinctive hair, but it did help a bit when using their guise as a couple to allow attention to wash over them.

But it wasn’t a guise. And that was made evident as soon as they found themselves on a park bench, store bought bento boxes sitting between them as they ate their lunch in relative peace. There was nothing but the cool wind against their backs, miraculous shade casting over them thanks to the hanging cherry blossom tree that would not bloom until months to come.

This is what Atsushi has been doing everyday for the past few weeks.

Ever since James got them both to be cordial with each other, and to talk, they started to meet up on their own. After all, Dazai was pushing for them to be partners, not in the way Chuuya and him are ‘partners’ currently, but partners out in the field. Because with their abilities combined they were nearly unstoppable.

So with Dazai training them to be partners and then James pushing them towards toleration of each other and then friends...well. That’s how Akutagawa and him ended up here. Sharing a bench and eating bento boxes together as they began yet another lunch date.

“You said yesterday that you had a mission with the Degenerates. How did it go?” Atsushi asked around a mouthful of rice, never really having the courtesy to swallow then talk. A flaw that Akutagawa has pointed out but never held against him. Atsushi already lacked enough confidence in the area of dating. Let alone dating your suppose-to-be mortal enemy. Best not to think about such things.

Akutagawa huffed, his bento box set neatly on his lap as he regarded the question almost thoughtfully. Atsushi could just see the creases between his almost-existent eyebrows as he figured out how to answer. If Atsushi lacked in dating his once-upon-a-time-enemy - who tried to kill him multiple times but the action was mutual - then Akutagawa definitely lacked in the same area.

It was unusual at first. For the both of them. From trying to be each other’s demise, to then sharing coffee, and then kissing… He wondered if this was what it was like for Chuuya and Dazai.

“It was fine,” Akutagawa admitted. “It’s just sometimes strange remembering that the Special Abilities Division used to watch me closely, and now I’m technically working for them.”

Atsushi laughed at that. “A lot of things have changed. But perhaps for the better…” He let the sentence hang though, as if hoping for Akutagawa to continue, which to his credit he did.

“I know. Between me and you, then Gin and I being apart of the Degenerates. The only thing that hasn’t changed is Dazai pushing us to be the next soukoku.”

“I don’t think that’s too bad though. As long as it doesn’t interfere too much with my school work and things at the ADA, I am sure we can achieve the goal of being what Yokohama needs.”

“The next soukoku?” Akutagawa asked for clarification.

“Yeah, except the name doesn’t fit.” Atsushi thought out loud as he stuffed another rice ball into his mouth. “I mean - double black? I contrast that color and you have that whole Rogue from X-men hairstyle going on.”

“And I am sure that you must know that I can’t understand a single word you’re saying.” Akutagawa deadpanned as he set aside his now empty bento box, unable to hear the weretiger over the cluster of rice in his mouth.

Atsushi almost choked as a laugh tried to build its way out through his throat, but with a well-timed swallow he was able to avoid the embarrassment. “I was saying that the name ‘soukoku’ doesn’t fit.”

Akutagawa paused in thought before giving a slow nod of agreement. “I suppose I see your point. But it would be simpler to just go with ‘shin soukoku’ and move on.”

“Sure, it’s simpler but it’s not as fun.” Atsushi argued before it dawned on him. “Oh! I got it!” He stated as he turned his entire body to Akutagawa, mustering the most serious face he possessed and with - miraculously - an unwavering voice he said, “Zebra.”

Akutagawa stared at Atsushi. “No.”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“Atsushi,” Akutagawa breathed out his first name. “We’re not calling ourselves zebra.” He tried to urge as Atsushi only started laughing. “It’s not funny.”

“But it is!”

“We’re not calling ourselves zebra.” Akutagawa said with a tone of finality, causing Atsushi to pout as he finished off his own bento box.

“You have no idea what great opportunity you’re missing. Zebras are majestic creatures.”

“Uh huh,” Akutagawa hummed with the amount of fucks he gave which was zero.

“And,” Atsushi waved his hand in the air as he stood up with his empty bento box, his bag slung across his shoulder. “It fits our white and black aesthetic.”

With an over dramatic eye roll that could send the earth spinning the other way, Akutagawa only shook his head as he fell into step with Atsushi, both of them taking a moment to throw away their bento boxes before continuing on.

“I think James would approve.”

Akutagawa quirked an eyebrow. “Even if James was offered the option between a million yen or adopting an orphaned ability user who would kill him in the middle of the night, he would still choose the orphaned ability user. So his ‘approval’ does little to change my mind.”

Atsushi snorted as he let out a laugh, nudging Akutagawa with his shoulder as he did so. “And yet here you are, out of the port mafia because of his influence. I smell a liar.”

Atsushi could feel the small glare that Akutagawa was giving him, but he knew it was playful and he didn’t mean anything by it. “Speaking of James, you haven’t looked him in the eye have you?”

Chewing on his bottom lip he gave a nod as he sighed heavily. “I think he knows I’m avoiding his gaze on purpose at this point. But you have seen him a couple times this past couple weeks, haven’t you? Was he suspicious of you as well?”

A small shake of his head led to a small breath of relief for the weretiger. “Partly. James does tend to think the best of us. So I don’t think he’ll identify this as distrust or malice but he would be worried. He might end up asking what’s wrong eventually…”

“And when he does what do we say? I don’t like lying.” Atsushi wasn’t even good at lying to begin with. And lying to people when he had their trust? He wasn’t keen on breaking that trust. James being no exception to that rule whatsoever. “Even all this sneaking around feels like lying. But I don’t want to tell everyone about us. At least not now.”

Atsushi knew that people wouldn’t mind him and Akutagawa being together, but Atsushi also wanted to keep this to himself just for now because he didn’t feel ready for his relationship with him to come out yet. He knew that Gin knew about them, and Atsushi didn’t mind and actually liked having at least one person know, but for now, he just had to figure things out.

Between school, the ADA, becoming Dazai’s dream team, Atsushi needed to figure out where his relationship with Akutagawa fit in this entire mess that was called his ‘life’. On the bright side Akutagawa understood that and the sneaking around gave some excitement to the relationship.

With the Degenerate sneaking into his apartment at night so the both of them could watch some bad rom-com, or just talk and cuddle in bed together, or just go out like this together, it was nice and fun. Like Dazai’s suicides it was a marvelous experience and completely painless.

“We wait then. That’s all there is to it.” Akutagawa��s words made it all sound so simple, but at some point even he knew that Atsushi was going to need a small push for this to work.

Smiling brightly at the man beside him clothed in all black, with a sleek pair of sunglasses, he wrapped his arm around his. “Looks like we’ll make good partners after all. But about zebra-” Atsushi didn’t get to finish the sentence as quite suddenly he was pulled into the nearest alleyway for the second time that day, Akutagawa pressing Atsushi against the wall, Rashoumon wrapped around his mouth.

It made Atsushi flush at the rather intimate position he had put them into. With Akutagawa’s body pressing against his own so Atsushi was flat against the wall, and Rashoumon prohibiting him to speak, his ears went red at the possibility of someone seeing them in such a compromising position.

Rashoumon retreated, Akutagawa putting a finger to his lips as Atsushi in that moment, with his brain on the fritz, asked the dumbest thing that could come to mind. “Is this about the Zebra?”

The look that he received only had Atsushi start laughing, causing the Degenerate to press his hand against his mouth as a very familiar voice could be heard passing by the alleyway.

“James, we’re going to be late! Making that stop for your slushee made us behind schedule. We’re already thirty-two seconds late.” That was without a doubt the strict and stern voice of Kunikida that at one point probably made multiple poor math students he used to teach piss in their seats.

“Well, to be fair, I wasn’t just going to refuse the nice lady who bumped into me after she knocked my other slushee out of my hand. She was insistent, and wanted to buy me another one.” And that was James. Just James. That’s all that was needed to know based on the wreck of a history professor.

“She was hitting on you.” Kunikida supplied.

“Yes, She was nice - wait - She was what?” Came James’ confused voice.

“I know. I’m just as surprised as you are.” Kunikida responded curtly, clearly busy with his overzealous schedule.

The two familiar and passing voices slipped away past the entrance of the alley, now too far to be able to hear coherent words, leaving behind two teenagers who were still entangled with each other against a wall, their shoulders shaking.

Atsushi lost himself into laughing against Akutagawa’s shoulder the other joining lightly in the contagious hilarity of the situation as they then slipped down to the ground, just the both of them together, laughing, on a filthy ground without a care in the world.

It was for that very reason when Atsushi found a stuffed animal zebra on his desk the next morning - no name of the sender but he already knew who sent it - he named it ‘slushee’.

@tradrishanally a fic for your cute fic war as well!

[nancywheelxr]

okay this is probably a romcom plot, but: please imagine Brainy being set up on a dating app by someone, only he uses a fake name so nobody knows he's an alien, and at the same time, Kara gets convinced to join a dating app by Alex. Kara and Brainy end up matched with each other and agree to a date, hilarity ensues.

Are you kidding me? I absolutely love romcom tropes. Give me all the cliches. And the comedic potential of this one? Off the charts. The pining? Unbelievable.  love it.

“This is a terrible idea,” Brainy says, but makes no move to retrieve his phone from Winn’s clutches, only sighing in defeat when it chirps with a notification.

“Excuse me? This is an awesome idea,” Winn calls, not bothering to look up from the screen. There are a lot of fields to fill up and it’s kind of hard when you have to literally make half of it up as he goes. Dating apps were not made for people without a normal, sane, human backstory; for some reason, alien might be kind of a turn off for some people– or the beginning of a Criminal Minds episode, depending on your luck. “Are you sure we’re going with Barney, though? It’s a little too purple dinosaur, isn’t it?”

“But it’s my coffee and pizza name, and since you said my true name might be more of a third date thing,” Brainy makes a face as he recites his early argument. But it’s true, Winn’s right on that, this is a hill is prepared to die on, especially because it is a crucial part of their super secret plan. “It will be easier for me to answer to that, instead of a completely new alias.”

“Fine, fine,” he rolls his eyes. Thank god for mathematical algorithms that don’t take embarrassing names into account. The app promises to match people according to their interests and personality traits, bragging about connecting people with the love of their lives. It’s all very anti-Tinder, and Winn isn’t sure where he’s standing on that, but whatever. Who cares about morals, they have to think of the bigger picture here– the whole thing is useful and that’s what matters. “Here, you’re all set up. Now all you have to do is wait, soon enough the app will match you with a guy, gal, or non-binary pal. If you don’t like ‘em, swipe left and try again.”

“And this is supposed to show me my soulmate?” The disbelief is clear on his voice, matching with the unimpressed look he levels his phone.

“Well, not really, but you know. Someone, mathematically, it thinks would be good with you, someone you match with.” Winn shrugs, dropping his phone on his lap and standing up. He yawns, stretching, and starts slowly backing away to the door, “damn, look at the time, it’s so late, I should get going, but hey– don’t delete the app. Have some patience, ye of little faith.”

“Thank you, I suppose, although I did not ask you to do this,” Brainy pauses, frowning up at Winn. “In fact, you were the one that insisted.”

“And you’re welcome,” Winn salutes him, grinning like the cat who knows he’s got the cream, “I’m just looking out for you, man. That’s what friends are for, right?”

“Yes, indeed,” he agrees, watching him go with suspicion on his eyes and phone on his hand, “how thoughtful.”

“Yup, that’s me, Mr.Thoughtful. See you around, call if you need any help with the app!” Winn holds his breath until the cool, night air hits his face, then he breathes out, pulling up his own phone to text the eagle has landed.

we’re also a go here, is the answer a few seconds later.

great, operation stop the pining before we murder one of them is a go, he sends back.

yeah, we’re not calling it that

Im working on it, dw, Winn grins, already hailing a cab. He’s got some work to do at home.

*

“Alex, why do you hate me so?” Kara asks seriously, pillow hugged angrily to her chest, “this is a terrible idea! It’s literally how dozens of Law & Order episodes start. Or CSI. Or literally any other cop show.”

“Except Brooklyn 99,” Alex answers idly, more worried about setting up Kara’s profile on the app. “And don’t be melodramatic, there was no Tinder at that time.”

“It’s the same thing!” She whines from her side of the couch, “I’m your sister, why are you insisting on being accessory to my murder?”

“That’s incorrect, just because you’ve watched every season of Suits on Netflix, it doesn’t mean you know how to use legal jargon,” Alex types away, cleaning up her sister’s backstory so it fits better, nothing that could raise any potential flags. Just in case. They can never be too careful. “Here, it’s ready.”

Kara picks up her phone with the tip of her fingers as if it would suddenly blow up on their faces. She narrows her eyes, reading her brand new profile with judgemental eyes. “Not bad,” she says loftily, “but I stand by what I said. This is dumb. An algorithm can’t possibly know who I will or will not fall in love with– this is clearly preying on people’s desire to be loved, and on the whole myth created around true love, and–”

“Okay, okay, I get it,” she stops her tirade, easing the pillow from her fingers before Kara could rip something apart. “You don’t think it’s gonna work, that’s fair, I don’t think that either. But this is not about finding your one true love bullshit. It’s about you putting yourself out there and having some fun! And this app? It’s just going to narrow it down, make it a little easier for you, showing you people that share the same interests as you.”

The familiar, telltale crinkle dissolves from her face, but Kara still looks down dubiously at her screen. “Fine, ugh. But I’m giving it one go. If it crashes and burns like I know it will, it’s over. Deal?”

Alex grins, “deal.” She glances at the clock, startling when her own phone buzzes. the eagle has landed, the text reads. Alex bites back an even wider grin, texting back, we’re also a go here. “Hey, Kara? I think I’m heading home now, I need to swing by the grocery store.”

“Sure,” Kara replies easily, yawning and falling down on the empty spot on the couch, “I’ll call you if anything exciting happens, like my untimely murder.”

great, operation stop the pining before we murder one of them is a go, comes in the next text and Alex snorts, calling back distractedly, “yeah, yeah, you do that. Lunch tomorrow, don’t forget.”

“You’re way too blasé about this!” is the last thing she hears before the door closes. yeah, we’re not calling it that, she answers, rolling her eyes. Good, step one went down smoothly, now all they have left to do is wait, and hope Winn holds up his end of the plan.

Im working on it, dw

hack away, she sends, pocketing her phone. Step two is a go.

*

Barney, you have a match! Kara is waiting for you to say hi!

*

Kara, you have a match! Barney is waiting for you to say hi!

[reesewestonarchive]

EASTHALLOW | Masterpost | Project Page | Project Preview | ko-fi, if you like my work :p

1 / 2

tag list - ask to be added or removed - @forlornraven @infinitelyblankpage @writingmyassoff @theforgottencoolkid @indecentpause @moonlesbi4n @wordsbyagremlin @reining-in-the-fire-writing @chaos-reign @maximillianvalentine @kly-writes @sincerestaffect @twocrownsoneshittywriter @idreamtofreality @theimportanceofbeingbookish @wolvesofarcadia

Back at the farm, Elijah walks, dazed but relaxed, back to the house. He checks behind him once, twice, to see if Rocky, who had followed him to the edge of his parents' property, still sits in the woods, wagging his tail at Elijah.

He doesn't.

"You look like you've seen a ghost," Amanda says, as she steps out the front door. The sun is shining, bright and warm already for eight in the morning, and Elijah shakes the woods off of him as best he can.

While he's grateful the beast is a silly witch in the woods, the idea that someone out there just... lives in abandoned shack in his woods unsettles him.

"Not a ghost," Elijah says. He sighs. "Has this town always been this fucking creepy?"

Amanda cocks her head and looks at her son with a smile, then steps down the front steps and towards the hay truck. "The city has made you suspicious, my love." She waves the keys in the air, doesn't look back to Elijah. “Come on. I believe you promised me a trip to the farmer’s market.”

Amanda fiddles with the radio, sings along off-key with wrong lyrics, and Elijah absently brushes the mud from his jeans.

The market’s covered in small tables set up underneath tents. Sunlight shines through the trees, and Elijah all but forgets about Viola and Penny and their tiny shack in the woods. The air is sweet with the smell of apple cider and turnovers, and Elijah follows his mother past table after table of pickles, jams, fresh produce, pies, breads…

He last went when he was seventeen. Far too long ago. The smell of it brings him back to being a child, before he made such a shitty decision, before Josh—

“Elijah, can you take these apples back to the car? I’ve a few more tables I’d like to visit.”

Three bags of apples, Elijah takes to the car, tripping over tree roots and uneven, muddied ground. Passes tables selling food that has his stomach aching with hunger.

Just before the market closes off, though, Elijah notes a man, sitting at his table, his head rested in his hand, elbow on the table, flipping through a book with a bored look on his face. Customers seem to ignore him, as though he’s not there. Candles in mason jars are neatly lined up in front of him, a solitary empty spot where someone has bought one.

He seems to notice Elijah staring, because he lifts his head, locks gazes with him. A smile grows across his face.

“Interest you in some homemade candles, sir?”

Elijah makes a face. “I’m not a sir.” He should keep going, but—the logo of the candles. Elijah drops one of the bags of apples to pick up a candle. “This creature,” he asks, smoothing his thumb over the creature—thick hair, glowing eyes, fingers like nails. “What is it?”

With a shrug, the man says, “The Beast of Easthallow. Local legend. Man a few hundred years ago, back when Easthallow was just a mining town, claims to’ve seen it.” He cocks his head at Elijah. “There’s a book about it, you know. Adapted from Victor East’s journals.”

“So it’s real?”

Laughing, the man leans back in his chair. “Suppose that matters on whether you’re a believer.” He nods his head at the candle. “Supposed to smell like wildflowers if you see it. S’what the candle’s based on.”

Overhead, the sun hides behind dark storm clouds. Around them, the hum of chatter from the farmer’s market quiets for a minute.

“Can give you a discount if you buy the book, too.” He holds up a book, small, a plain black cover, the words THE BEAST OF EASTHALLOW embellished across the front.

Assuming, for a minute, that Elijah believes any of this, other than a crazy couple of witches living in the woods, he’s unemployed. Setting the candle back down, Elijah says, “I don’t have any money.”

He eyes the apples. “How about a few of those? They came from the Richard Orchard, right?” Elijah shrugs. “Two apples, then.”

Fine. Curiosity peaked, Elijah digs into the bag at his feet for two of the apples, without bruises, one still with a stem and leaf, and hands them over. Their fingers brush together, and Elijah’s lips twitch up in a smile, just for a split second, before he pulls back.

“Do you plan on hunting it?” the man says, dropping the apples into a bucket beside him.

“…Hunting it?”

“We also sell candles that smell like rotten wood and wet dog. Supposed to attract the Beast.”

Elijah snorts. “A candle that smells like garbage?” He shakes his head. “I’ll go with the wildflowers.” Maybe he can gift it to his mother for Christmas.

“I’ll just get you a receipt,” the man says. Elijah hears someone walk up behind him, and turns his head, sees Amanda stepping around counters, a single, small loaf of bread under her arm.

She smiles down at the man, currently scribbling out a receipt for Elijah, and says, “Good morning, Grant. All well at home?”

He lifts his head, looking between the two of them for just a beat or two before he smiles, pleasant and wide, and his eyes—

Elijah clears his throat, averts his gaze. His heart aches, as he thinks of Sean, back home. What used to be home. He wonders if the man he’d found Sean with would be comforting, in Elijah’s absence, or if he’ll find Elijah leaving cause for celebration.

“…fine, Mrs. Flynn.” Grant flashes her a smile, hands over the receipt to Elijah and says, “Have a good day.”

Elijah reaches for the receipt, and Grant winks as their fingers touch again.

As they leave, Amanda weaves her arm around Elijah’s, says, “That wasn’t so bad, was it? And I see you picked up some items as well.” She nods to the book, the candle in the bag. “Didn’t think you were a candle sort.” She smiles, reaches into the bags, plucks out an apple, and begins chattering on.

Elijah glances at the receipt. Ten digits, scribbled at the bottom—give me a call, if you’d like.

At the farm, Elijah thumbs over the receipt as he sits, reclined on the couch, listening as rain beats down on the tin roof. It’s dark, for mid-afternoon; a deep blue-grey overcast filtering the sun out and shadowing the fields.

Still better than the city.

He sighs. Reads the note again. Little early for hookups, isn’t it? Ezra considers himself fairly capable of moving on quickly, but still, if he thinks too much about Sean, something in his chest goes tight and the world feels too small. He could have gone to the other side of the country, to Australia or Japan, and still Sean would feel too close.

Fingers reach up behind him and pluck the receipt out of hand, though, and Elijah doesn’t even bother turning around to chastise his brother. Instead, he says, “Really? We’re being this childish, now?”

Josh reads the note out loud, makes an awwwww sound, and says, “What happened to Sean, McDreamy? Weren’t you guys happy-ever-after or whatever you want to call it?”

“We’re not in trouble,” Elijah says, but he doesn’t make an attempt at the receipt. He just rubs his eyes, wonders how long it’ll take Josh to give up on this. “And it’s none of your fucking business.”

It’s not a lie; they’re not in trouble. Elijah’s completely out of trouble. Feels better about this than he ever has. Josh, though, Josh takes that and runs with it, his eyes getting wide, and he says, “Holy shit. You’re not—“

“Josh—“ Footsteps are coming up from the basement steps, and fuck, Elijah’s not ready to admit that he’d failed in the city, that he ran home with his tail tucked between his legs, and no. They don’t need to know. They don’t need to know. Not yet. Not until Elijah can get on top of things, until he can 

When she reaches the top of the stairs, Amanda glances between them, offers a tentative smile. “Getting on, I hope?” She doesn’t wait for an answer, already heading for her bedroom with the laundry basket. “So nice to see the two of you in the same room without screaming…”

She leaves before Josh can say anything, thankfully, and with a pleased sigh, Josh holds the receipt back out. “S’cute. Taking a page out of your older bro’s book, lying to Mom and Dad.”

Refraining from reaching for the receipt, Elijah says, “I’m not lying to them. And would you stop it with the older bro shit?”

Holding his hands in mock surrender, Josh says, "All right. Just... interesting you're the one keeping secrets these days, is all."

Elijah watches him leave, jaw clenched, and lets out a frustrated groan when Josh is finally around the corner.

It's good, though, right, to meet people. In Easthallow. If he's going to be living here... he'll need a network. Grant can help with that.

He calls the number before he can tell himself not to.

"Elijah," he answers, and his voice is smoother, on the phone, than it really should be. "I wondered if you'd call."

"How do you know it's Elijah?"

A beat, then, "I had a feeling. I wanted to know if you’d be interested in getting a drink?” So the entire town can know about it. So Elijah can spend the evening shooting glances around the bar, wondering who he can trust and whether Grant’s one of those people or not. “About the Beast—“

And Elijah laughs, runs a hand through his hair, and wonders if the entire town is like this. “You don’t really believe in it, do you?”

“You’re meant to believe what you see, right?”

“I’ve seen this Beast,” Elijah says. “Didn’t seem so freaky to me.”

Grant makes a noise, like a scoff, but his voice holds no judgement. “Everyone knows about Viola.”

Fine. Just to sate his curiosity. “All right. Drinks, and you can tell me all about this furry little beast of yours.”

Grant meets him in town, dressed in a light jacket Elijah finds himself jealous of, in the misting cold. He reaches out for a handshake. "Good to meet you."

"You, too," Elijah says. "I thought I knew everyone in this town." He grew up here, went to school here. Graduated with twenty kids in his class. Grant... either he was older, younger, or... wasn't from here.

As though sensing Elijah's thoughts, he sends him a sidelong glance and says, "I grew up in the city. Parents divorced when I was little. Thought I'd do better there, but I always liked the country." His smile is warm, pleasant, and Elijah wonders if it helps with the cold or if he's blushing under Grant's gaze. "What about you?"

"City all the way," Elijah says. "Stepping in cow shit has never been my version of fun."

Grant laughs. It feels good, genuine; Elijah can't remember the last time he made someone laugh. "Plenty of other farms than cattle farms."

"Not according to my parents," Elijah says. "You know they started planting crops when I was fifteen, to help with running costs, and my dad flipped?" He did; Allan's a livestock man, through and through. Elijah still remembers the nights his parents stomped around downstairs, trying to make sense of their next plan.

"What happened? Nobody in Easthallow exports crops."

They take a seat at the bar. Grant holds up two fingers to the bartender, and soft country music plays from the corner of the room, and something settles in Elijah's stomach. He's used to drink menus, twenty minutes with Sean while he tries to decide what he wants, and it's like relief when the bartender slides two beers in front of them and disappears.

It's the little things Elijah loves about this town.

"I knew your brother," Grant says, as he digs his phone out his pocket. "Back in high school."

His mood sours, but Elijah tries not to let it. He peers into the bottle, thinks about downing it all in one go. Doesn't.

"He was a prick." Grant taps away on his phone. "Little fucker nearly drove my little sister insane."

Sounds like Josh. "He cheat on her? Josh is an asshole."

"Wouldn't give her the time of day, mostly. She thought they'd grow up, get married, have kids, whole nine yards. Josh found out and... she ended up homeschooling for the rest of high school."

He remembers that. Something faint, and, hell, Elijah didn't even know the girl, but Josh slept with her best friend and then there was all kinds of drama. Because of Josh. It's hard to believe anyone thought he was a catch, but people like the bad boy thing.

"Don't hold that against me, do you?"

Grant doesn't even lift his gaze to meet Elijah's. "If you were anything like your brother, you wouldn't be speaking with me."

He turns his phone to Elijah, finally, onto a homepage for THE BEAST OF EASTHALLOW. He clicks around a bit, checks out the first hand accounts--all written journalism style, with publishing dates and Grant's name at the top as the author--the photos.

"A lot of them are Viola," Grant says, gesturing to the phone with the beer. "She loves getting dressed ip on tourist weekends and scaring the shit out of the visitors in the cabins." He smiles, shakes his head.

"She's not the start of the rumor, then?" Elijah'd been sure... she could've seen something, made the costume as a joke, to keep people away from her house...

"Nah. Viola's big into local history. Or--Penny, her wife, is. Viola took a liking to the Beast 'cause it's mystical."

Grant's thigh rubs against Elijah's, just a little. Just enough to catch the fabric, enough for the pull to tune Elijah into how close they are everywhere. "Did you read the book?"

"Book?" Elijah echoes, then clears his throat. Grateful for the low lights that help hide his blush, Elijah adds, "Right. No. Didn't even crack the spine."

Like he expects it, Grant scrolls down through his phone again, until he stops at a very clear, very close photo. "This is the most famous ever taken. Fifteen years ago or something like that."

When Elijah lived here. Why the fuck didn't he ever hear about this? "Someone's screwing with me," Elijah says. "I grew up here, and we never had a fucking local cryptid, unless you count the town drunk."

"Fifteen years ago, no one used to see it."

"We don't see it now."

Tapping the screen of his phone, Grant says, "Twenty times in the last year."

It's Josh. It's gotta be fucking Josh, enlisting the entire fucking town, right? Found some freaky girl in the woods to scare him, some guy at the farmer's market to fuck with him, and...

That doesn't make sense, though. Josh didn't know he was coming, and Elijah hasn't been home that long. Is this... does Grant actually believe this shit? That there's really some fucking monster crawling around their little town? Easthallow's a trash heap, people and literal garbage. There’s no cause for why he might be…

Elijah huffs a laugh, shakes his head. Downs the rest of his beer and says, “So, okay. Let’s say I believe in your furry little friend, just for like, five seconds.” He’s still not convinced it isn’t Viola. That this entire set-up isn’t something done to fuck with newbies. “Why only see it now?”

The question of the hour. Grant glances up at him, his eyes twinkling. Something there lights a fire on all of Elijah’s nerves, leaves him feeling warm, pleased, arousal building in his stomach. Grant’s an attractive guy; the muscles that scream outdoor labor, a five o’clock shadow Elijah wants to feel against his skin. Dark eyes Elijah could get lost in, and smooth, tan skin, and hair just long enough to pull.

Shit, he’s tapping his phone again, eyebrow raised like he knows Elijah’s imagining being held down by him, and he says, “Hundred year anniversary of old man Lowell’s suicide.”

“He killed himself?”

“So said the newspapers,” Grant said. “Lots of conflicting reports, though. Another one said he died in the old mine tunnels. Pushed from the roof of the Carnegie library… One said he got caught in a wood-chipper.”

Grimacing, Elijah takes a drink of his beer. “Poor way to go.”

But Grant’s voice is thoughtful when he asks, “Is it? Head first, maybe…” He shrugs.

Silence settles between them, Elijah picking at the label on his beer, Grant tapping his fingers rhythmically on the bar top, before Grant finally says, “So what brings you to Easthallow?”

It isn’t a secret, not really, but Elijah hesitates nonetheless. It’s only been a few days since Elijah spoke to Sean, but it feels like it’s been weeks. Easthallow seems so far removed from the city. Always has. “Bad breakup,” he says, finally, then, “or—not really. Just a breakup.”

“He cheat on you?”

Elijah turns his gaze to Grant. How the fuck does he know. He asks as much, and Grant just chuckles, shrugs one shoulder. Ducks his head in something like embarrassment. “I haven’t told anyone.”

“You have a vibe,” Grant says. “Definitely not from here. Wouldn’t come to Easthallow unless you had family. No one comes here.”

“Viola and Penny?”

With a twitch of his lips, Grant says, “I stand corrected.”

Elijah finishes his beer. Returns it to the coaster. Beside him, Grant pockets his phone. “I could show you Old Man Lowell’s place, if you’re up for it.”

Making a face, Elijah says, “Doesn’t that place have to be ancient by now? How’s it still standing?”

Before Grant can answer, Elijah’s phone buzzes in his pocket, incessant against his thigh. He apologizes as he checks it—his mother.

“Sorry, dear,” she says, but sounds exhausted, “your father has a situation with the cattle. Can you come home, help him out?”

Like a child, Elijah says, “Isn’t Josh home to help.”

Her voice is thick with false sweetness when Amanda says, “I’m asking you.”

He doesn’t have much of a choice, then. Offers a tight smile to Grant when he gets off the phone, pockets his phone. “Dad needs me. Cattle probably got loose.”

But Grant’s gaze snaps to Elijah’s, and his questions are lightning fast, one after another, until Elijah reaches out and grips Grant’s wrist. Intimate, for a man he’d met earlier that day. For a man with a curiosity for the unknown and a crazy loom in his eye when he talks about it. “I’m sure he’d welcome the help. My brother’s useless.”

“Bringing a strange man back to the house already?” Grant tsks, but leaves a twenty on the bar as he stands. “What will your parents say?”

Nothing, if Elijah has anything to do about it. “My mother knows you my name. I’d hardly consider you strange.”

The farm is a cacophony of noises when Elijah arrives there. A loud barking, his father’s deep voice as he hollers, the loud, angry mooing of a cow that does not want to follow orders.

“Yikes,” Grant says, closing the door to the driver’s side of his SUV. “Suddenly glad my parents run an orchard.”

“It’s not always like this,” Elijah says by means of explanation. Never once has he heard a dog barking here. His father’s allergic. He can make out his mother standing at the edge of the field, though, makes his way across the yard towards her. Grant’s headlights shine out toward her.

“Elijah,” she says, gripping his arm as he stops by her side. “Your father’s been at this for an hour. Something spooked the cattle.”

No shit. Even from here he can make out the door to the barn, broken off the hinges. “Dad leave the barn open?”

Amanda shakes her head. “No. Strangest thing. The hinges are bent.”

A chill runs through him; the hair on the back of his neck stands up. He takes a quick glance around the yard—lit up by the emergency lights his father had installed—but sees nothing, save for Grant as he makes his way towards them. “Not surprising,” he says. “Cattle are strong. Especially if the bull got out.” A beat. “So someone broke in?”

She takes a second to glance Grant’s way, a twinkle in her eye as he reaches out to shake her hand. “Grant. Didn’t realize Elijah was bringing help.” Before he can offer anything by means of explanation, she adds, “The more the merrier.”

Another bark sounds from the field, and Amanda whistles. “And this fucking dog. No idea where it came from.”

At her whistle, the dog comes bounding up to her, tongue wagging out of its mouth. In the dark, it’s a little different, but Elijah would recognize it anywhere. “Rocky?”

He barks, wags his tail. Amanda looks between them with a frown. “You know him?”

Elijah reaches to scratch his ears. “I met his owner the other day—” He almost says in the woods; doesn’t want to tell her what he was doing out there. “—does he come here often?”

“More than we’d like.”

Behind them, Grant adds, “Could it have been the dog who spooked them?”

Amanda shrugs. “Not likely. Allan nearly got one back to the barn before it ran off again.”

“You guys check the barn out?”

What? No. Elijah really doesn’t want to go play detective right now. He wants to go to the field, help his father wrangle the half-dozen cows and the bull back into their barns. But Grant’s already eyeing the barn, and Elijah’s not going to leave him on his own.

Not until he trusts what the fuck is going on here.

“Be my guest,” Amanda says. “After that, can you guys head out to the field?”

“Will do, Mama.”

Rocky follows at their heels, quieting the closer the get to the barn. The hair on the back of Elijah’s neck still stands on end, but, save for his mother and Grant, the farm’s clear—nothing out of the ordinary.

Grant whistles as he pulls on the door. “Damn thing’s strong.”

“Thing would’ve taken a truck to pull it off the hinges like this.” Elijah rubs his hand along the bent metal. The hinges look twisted, ruined beyond repair, the metal worn and fragile in places. “They’d’ve heard it.”

“No one’s gonna take a damn truck to a barn door, either. Easier to steal the cattle out of the pasture.” Grant seems lost in thought for a few seconds, then pulls a small flashlight from his pocket. “And that’s still a lot of work for half a dozen cattle.”

Old cattle, too. Allan does it more as a hobby, now, than as a way to make money. Breeds the cattle, trades them to keep the bloodlines clean. Elijah remembers some of it from when he used to live here. His father’s trips to cattle auctions.

“Elijah,” Grant says. His tone, soft, strange, not quite a whisper but not his normal tone, piques Elijah’s interest, and he follows Grant’s gaze to where he’s brushing his fingers along where the door used to sit against the side of the barn. He doesn’t see anything at first, just like Grant’s pressing against nothing, and then…

Three long, thick gashes in the wood, splintering the siding out. Like nails, fingernails, but… there’s nothing that could do that. A bear, maybe a cougar, but… “You’re seeing this, too, right?”

Anger flares in Elijah’s stomach. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” Josh. He’s always been a joker, but—fuck, getting the cattle involved in his homecoming prank on Elijah? This isn’t some petty joke he’s playing, built from an old sibling rivalry he won’t let go of anymore. This isn’t just between them, and as soon as Elijah gets him alone, he’s going to tear his brother a new one.

He turns on his heel, back towards the field, towards where he can hear his father making whooping noises towards the cattle in the dark. Josh is—damn it. Usually better about this sort of thing. It’s not the first time one of his jokes has gone too far, but it’s about to be the last.

He comes across one of the cows before he sees his father. Behind him, he hears Grant’s footsteps. The cow makes a noise, distressed, and starts to stand. Elijah holds a hand out, palm up, and says, “Easy girl, you’re okay,” in a voice he hopes is soothing.

Still, she only makes concerned noises, struggling to get up, get away. Elijah turns, slow, moves so she’ll run towards the house, not farther into the field, still talking in quiet tones. “Easy—let’s get you back to the barn, yeah? Back to sleep? Bet Dad’s got some treats for you. How ‘bout you follow me?”

She moos again; this time, her voice breaks, and she stands, slow, staring off into the darkness behind Elijah. “Grant, you’re freaking her out,” Elijah says. “Can you back away, just a bit?”

No sound, though; no answer. Not even footsteps as Grant moves. Elijah turns, ready to ask him again, when he sees it—fur, thick, eyes glowing yellow in the dark, shining in the light from the yard. It stands tall, taller than Elijah by at least a foot, and its teeth glimmer, sharp and long. Arms, impossibly long, hang at its sides, its chest heaving with each breath.

It’s different, up close. Taller, thinner. Creepier. He thinks about Viola, about how her costume looks up close, and knows, without a doubt, this isn’t her.

His throat goes dry, his blood rushes like a river through his ears. He can’t scream, doesn’t know what he would say if he could, and hopes to tell Josh off for this, later, when the thing snarls, and the next thing Elijah sees is the large, clawed hand that reaches out, as if from the shadows, and punches him in the head.

He doesn’t remember falling.

[bastiodonz]

do u have bnha ocs? 0:

YES I DO THANK YOU FOR ASKING

akfjafkahglad throwing them all under read more bc i have,,, A Lot(TM)

i actually have a fuckin uhhhhh nextgen au?? and thats where A Majority Of Them come from??????? and i love them all id die for them

ok so like

ok so two of my Main Ones are era and takuma!!!!!!!! ft. some changed designs bc im considering revamping laylaylb bc it Kinda Sucks. 

so era is the shark one!!!!! her quirk is minor shark and its a mutant quirk that gives her vague mutations from a whitetip reef shark!!! that includes (but is not limited to) double rows of teeth, gils, some fins, enhanced smell and like, you know that thing that sharks do where they can find things from like,, those feely things from their chins?? yeah era can do that. she also tends to be more wild at night?? but it can be passed off as loopiness. since shes from a nextgen au shes the adopted daughter of kiri and baku???? her full name is bakushima era and she is like,,, just Rowdy and Easily Excited.

takuma is a more obvious nextgen kid and hes a tododeku fankid?? THOUGH in the revamp im gonna make him a todoiideku fankid with siblings bc ive always had concept for siblings for him but i was a Coward and never went through with them. his quirk is temperature control and its an emitter quirk that, when he touches something, he can adjust the temperature of an object. whenever he raises the temperature in something, the temperature of his body lowers, and vise versa. that often leads him to being cold constantly and having to bundle up his body in like a thousand jackets. its Very Relatable to me tbh. anxiety is hereditary so hes very anxious and withdrawn. he tends to be very scatterbrained and more often then not he forgets words mid-sentence and needs eras help to remember them. that leads him to repeat things a lot and quit a lot of things midway because he cant describe them. thats Also Very Relatable. his full name is midoriya takuma although in the revamp, its most likely that his name will be changed to iida-midoriya takuma

another important character to the nextgen who isnt actually a nextgen kid is siryoku karashiro (despite me often using first names as a way to refer to characters, i called him by his family name (siryoku) so frequently in laylaylb that thats just how i refer to him at this point) and hes really fun to draw. so hes kinda hard to explain without giving a lot about his backstory and eventual character arc away?? but hes from a rich family of lawyers who all have quirks that allow them to intimidate people by meeting their eyes. however, due to a recessive quirk from his moms side, he ended up having an variant of the black hole quirk. unlike thirteen, who (presumably) can channel theirs through their fingers, his is through his eyes. without a lot of practice with his quirk, he cant really control it and it often ends up being an all or nothing sort of trump card. siryokus very socially awkward and often has a hard time keeping up with extroverted people like ame and era. he also tends to miss expressions and figures of speech. but other than that, hes very earnest and despite his fumbles, wants to help others

while takuma era and siryoku are the Main Trio, takuma and era are also in another trio alongside ame, full name uraraka ame. shes a tsuchako fankid who really likes wearing christmas sweaters in the middle of summer. a part of this generations “big 3″ ame is a third year and an intern under thirteen. her quirk is zero gravity, inherited directly from ochako. shes very caring, and the “big sister” of the group if you will. she tries to help people as much as she can, and is the role model of both era and takuma. she is very energetic though, but she misses a lot of social cues and can as such be seen as pushy or overbearing. 

while she hasnt appeared a lot yet in either my comics or in laylaylb, another character who will end up being important is kyousou hansha!!!! she will be (eventually) the vice president of their class and has been shown to be very driven, determined, and almost judgemental. she hasnt come with the intention of befriending people who dont come up to her standards, though what exactly those standards are is currently unknown. (i know it though) all thats currently known is that she often knows how to take charge of a situation with a very analytical point of view, and that perhaps thats what helped her land a recommended spot into ua. (who recommended her and what her quirk is hasnt been officially shown, though if you look through my blog, im p sure i mentioned it at one point)

this is a very bad drawing, because kazankawa (full name kazankawa atsui) is one of my favorite characters to draw (without coloring because her details is hard for me to color) and has one of my favorite character designs out of my bnha ocs. her quirk is volcano, and its a mutant quirk that almost makes herself like a living volcano. however, she cant ‘erupt’. her skin literally has cracks around where it folds the most, so think at the joints of her fingers and in her elbow. it also has cracks below her eyes. the cracks are filled with lava, though it is purely stationary. she gives off heat and can produce smoke from her mouth (though she doesnt know it yet). she is also able to throw up lava, but thats just kinda gross. she comes across as level-headed, chill, and sleepy almost all the time. however, once she gets riled up or in the battle field, she becomes more wild and reckless.

some other characters and wow isnt this a great drawing, is the houkai squad. i dont have an official name for their group, but they have a really fun dynamic to write. houkai genki (the middle one in the screenshot) is the one that this entire group revolves around, because they are the one who taigun and kuroiya are around for. they have an emitter quirk called emp, which is. an emp. yeah. its,, self explanatory. some people think theyre slick, but really, theyre kinda just really stupid and has no self restraint. 

taigun kisaki (the leftmost) is literally the groups voice of reason and impulse control. her quirk is literally the most terrifying quirk ive ever come up with and its an emitter quirk that lets her control the bees. fuck you vigilantes i made it up before i knew you made a character with a similar quirk. shes by all means an extrovert, but has very thin patience and is constantly done by the shenanigans of this god forsaken group.

kuroiya fumukoi was actually the third bnha oc i designed, and was originally supposed to be a very withdrawn softspoken character. but as i wrote laylaylb, she was changed to an enabler of houkais, with just vaguely more intelligence than houkai, but instead of doing things out of sheer stupidity, more out of just ballsy-ness. her quirk is called shadow step and allows her to travel through shadows. it often leaves her hungry, so a lot of times she can be caught munching on something.

some other characters are the rest of the big 3!!! i love them a lot. like,, listen i would die for them. besides ame, theres suiro takara, the one on the right, and her quirk is crystal channel?? shes an intern under aoyama and can channel her own energy into crystals on her body (which is why she wears so many necklaces) in the form of lasers. shes constantly tired and stressed and honestly really offput by ame. ames excited and loud personality is a bit too much for her, so she tends to lash out or act cold. then theres yasuyou natsuki, the middle, whos quirk is flame body. her bodys literally a fire. as a result, all of the the third years had to be made extra fire durable outfits and gym uniforms to withstand being worn or coming into contact with her. ame has a crush on her, though yasuyou isnt aware of it. yasuyou is dense but upbeat, not interacting with ame a lot because theyre in different classes. (ame is in 3-a while yasuyou is in 3-b). also, ame, idk about u, but idk how ur gonna smooch fire.

of course there is A Lot of other characters from laylaylb that i wont write bc i dont have the screenshots or drawings on hand or bc they havent been revealed or i dont have the energy to explain all about the background characters

BUT

i DO have a non-laylaylb bnha oc and i dont have a name or set design for her yet but ive been stewing over the idea of her quirk for the LONGEST time

so basically shes a support student whos quirk is balance. its an emitter/mutant kinda quirk that gives her impeccable balance and things that she touches the same balance as well. it comes in handy when walking/maneuvering with things in her hands, and allows her to stack things without the fear of them fall over. think about that one sasuke figurine that could balance anything on its head and think ‘what if that was a quirk’

she isnt keen on sharing her ideas with others, though when she does, its often for critique. she has an odd sense for knowing when people lie to her about their opinions, and prefers brutal truth. perhaps its because thats how she is-- overly blunt and bad at determining which things are and arent right to tell to someones face. 

i could see her getting along with hatsume

[the-confused-student]

It’s about time I’ve done this… Studyblr Introduction Post!

So I’ve made this blog like a week ago and I’ve kinda already did an introduction post here but I’ve decided to use that actual layout persons seem to use in this community 😂 Ho-kay leggo~

About me:

I’m female

I’m Barbadian

I’m 16 years old turning 17 on January 14th (still feel like 12)

I’m attending sixth form (it’s my first year)

Used to play volleyball and hockey but school took over

I’m very pessimistic due to the fact I always look at things “realistically”

I get frustrated easily when I don’t understand what I’m supposed to be doing but I usually combat this by taking a break sleepy w.e and go and try again or just leave it till the next day

I have high hopes and dreams but my “realistic” thinking usually gets in the way of it.

Why did I make a studyblr:

I wanted a place where I could vent about school

I wanted a place so I could talk about my successes without Any one being jealous or say I’m being cocky or braggy

I wanted a place where I could be motivated by others successes and learn from their mistakes

I wanted a place where I can meet new people who have the same interests as me and hopefully develop strong bonds

I saw how the studyblr community helped improved others and helped them become vetter students and I hope you guys influence me in that same positive way

THE AESTHETICS lmao like come on the notes here are so pretty and concise and ughh I wished I had notes like that I eould never stop studying

Basically I made it to become better and make friends (plz if you want to be friends don’t hesitate on messaging me)

My interests:

I don’t have much so please excuse me. I’m so boring.

Grey’s anatomy- making me cry on a night it’s all worth it. This is going to be so cringey but this is what got me into medicine as before I wanted to be a wildlife doctor now my career path has changed.. probably will again I just wish i could do both

Eldarya/My candy love- otome games made by chinomiko. They’re really fun you guys should try them out some time! Or if you already play message me ;)

Biomedical Research- I’m fascinated by the changing world of medicine and love to read the latest develops and break throughs

Subjects I’m taking:

Biology

Chemistry

Environmental Science

Communication Studies

If you posts any of these (mostly bio and chem because I highly doubt other people would be doing the other two) please reblog this post so I can follow you.

My goals:

To become an extraordinary student

To get Grade 1s in all of my CAPE subjects (equivalent to A Grade 9/8 Or A*/A depending on the lettering e.g. in Chemistry at GCSE I got a Grade 1 and my letter profile was AAA Which would be the equivalent to A*/9)

To get in medical school in the United Kingdom. I have already started looking at some and looked at BMAT/UKCAT papers and I know I have to put in an extreme amount of work to do good in my national exams and in my entrance exam but work it out some how. What ever will be will be.

Once I get into university I want to form a group of 3 persons where we motivate and guide each other, help each other out exercise and stay healthy and may be start a YouTube channel where we talk about our life and so on

I want to write a biology book that will be great for students to use for studying

(This is crazy so prepare) I have this like gut feeling that im destined for greatness in the medical field. I get it each time I think about it and I feel as though I have some contribution to modern medicine so my goal is to stick to that path and power through no matter how much i may want to stop because I know I’m destined to do something great (cue eyerolling and judgements it’s okay if I were you I would to XD)

Lastly. TO GET MY SHIT TOGETHER. LMAO sometimes I’m a mess and get so frustrated quickly and my teachers don’t help with it.

Persons who inspired me to make a studyblr:

@studyquill ofc because I follow her on youtube. Studytee, RevisionwithEve, Unjaded Jade @sootudying and basically everyone else in this community because I used to lurk the tags before I made a Blog XD I’m sorry for making this so terribly long and boring but please reblog this post if you’re a studyblr especially bioblrs medblrs and chemblrs! Would love to follow you all

[quixotic--s]

2017

my year, reviewed

i tried some cool new things. i went out salsa dancing for the first time. tried going vegan, and stuck with it (for the most part!). i tried to learn how to read tarot. taught myself to sow. read more. took a stronger interest in genuinely just learning about stuff, as much as you can. i love learning.

i did some things that took guts. i came out to my family. i quit a job i hated.

i did some random but awesome things. i went with Watson student leaders, which i’m not even a part of, on a trip, and didn’t let the fear of not knowing anyone stop me. studying abroad gave me the courage to just, do stuff. went to st. louis, Missouri to observe an international school, refugee school, Waldorf and Reggio Emelia school. 

i became even more passionate about working with children.

i surprised myself. i started out afraid of a field experience with 2 year olds because i had no idea what to do with that age. i ended up become extremely passionate about working with 2 year olds, and pretty much fell in love with it. i was terrified of all of my field experiences this year actually, and ended up loving each one. i was scared to be placed in kindergarten cause i thought i wouldn’t be good at it. i ended up loving it. i was scared to work in a child development center with special needs because i’m not experienced. and i didn’t like the teacher i was placed with. but i ended up exceeding both my professor’s expectations. i did a really good job, and i fell in love with working with the children as always. 

i’m proud of a lot of my accomplishments. i reached out to the summer camp, preschool, and afterschool center Sola to see if i could possibly volunteer. for the sake of just missing being around kids. i volunteered every day in the summer. the director told me i have a good energy to work with kids. i came back through the school year once a week. i genuinely, whole-heartedly, and completely loved my experience there. and they even wanted to hire me

i got a job that i like. it’s not my passion, but i’m doing a good job at what im supposed to do there and i’m proud of that. my boss tells me i have maturity and poise and the members gravitate towards me and that i’m just doing an awesome job.  

i experienced so much joy. spending time with my girlfriend and my friends, and volunteering at Sola. i got to spend my birthday with Krista which is a tradition i wanted to keep on going. i lived in Wilmington in the summer again and went to the beach and swam in the ocean as much as possible. my friends from home visited me and we swam in the ocean. 

i matured in some ways. adult things i guess. i got a credit card. my first real apartment that’s off campus. i took interest in decorating a room and creating a space that feels like yours. i used to not value that. i love my tapestry.

i stopped going out all the time. that really kind of stopped for the most part in 2016. but in 2017 i finally accepted myself as i am with it. i learned to say no to a lot of things. i learned to stop making excuses and i don’t have to explain myself, ever. i take pride in being a homebody. look at all that i’m doing and accomplishing, without having to deal with hangovers, and the money i save. i used to feel so obliged into going out (clubs and bars) because of societal expectation. i think it’s a waste of time for the most part. but going out salsa dancing is fun, i’ve decided that. going out to do actually fun things is awesome, if i can stay awake for it.

i am confident with myself, more than ive ever been. i think studying abroad created a lot of that confidence. ive learned that pride isnt a bad thing and how to have a healthy amount of it. im proud of myself for a lot of things. im proud that i came out to my family. im proud that im comfortable in my skin. im proud that i dont give in to others’ expectations about how i should spend my time. im proud that i love to learn. im proud that i am extremely driven. im proud that i dont let others judgements about being vegan get in the way of doing what i know is right. 

i made friends in my classes. i became more social in that manner - talking to people in my classes. i love them. i learn from them. 

i did things for others, and made others happy. i taught children new things. i helped a 5 year old boy reclaim his love for the color pink. i wrote my grandparents long letters and my nana hugs hers everyday and my grandma was almost in tears when she saw i wrote her a personalized 3 page letter

....

and finally, i asked out a beautiful, amazing, talented, incredible, passionate, strong woman. the truest love i’ve ever had. it hasn’t been perfect, no we had a rocky start. but we didn’t give up, and i’m so incredibly happy to be with her. she loves me so much and i love her too. we rode out most of 2017 together as partners. it’s pretty remarkable because i’ve never dated a girl before, and i’ve never been in a relationship this long before. ive never been in a HEALTHY relationship for that matter. this woman actually values me, respects me, and has my best intentions at heart. if i could take back all the times i hurt her and our fights that were my fault i would. she deserves the best and i cant wait to continue to love her in 2018. im in love, honest. what’s remarkable about it is that i didnt know if i ever had the capacity to love someone this much, or be in a relationship this long. ive always struggled with balancing the idea of being free versus being with someone. in 2018 i’ll have to figure out if i can have both. it’s hard. it really is hard sometimes but this relationship has taught me a lot about being in a relationship and that relationships don’t have to suck or ruin your life lol. i really am happy. 

...

2018 will be...  an internship and figuring out my first next step after i graduate

[custardtoast]

hmm small (edit: really lengthy) rant about my life rn

I just had a week off school and it was a much needed break... I did volunteer for 3/5 of the days so it wasn’t a crazy break, since I still had quite a bit of stress about those 3 days

I am currently in that typical position of “I didn’t do anything productive pertaining to school work all week so now I feel guilty and I should stay up and get something done” but at the same time... I feel like I always beat myself up so much when I know that I was quite busy with other things, and school work isn’t always the only priority. Granted, I did watch a kdrama lol and didn’t sleep until 2-4 am on most days, while waking up close to noon.... but I feel like I needed that. I just hate how i can never fully relax but I also can’t bring myself to work... but that is the ultimate student dilemma. I wish I had better self-control and organizational skills to balance everything

On a related note, I’ve been thinking rly hard about what I want to do after I graduate from uni... I was thinking about applying to a summer internship for half of the summer, but I need a reference letter and the deadline is this week, so I feel like its sort of inappropriate to ask any of my profs at this point... I also was thinking about just bumming around for the entire summer and being productive in other areas of my life ... like I’ve been thinkin about starting a youtube channel (lol me and everyone else in this internet world) bc I’ve just been so inspired by all these amazing ppl who show their struggles to everyone and at the end of the day they’re all beautiful ppl... I really like the idea of sharing my life w all these internet friends bc frankly, I don’t really share my life with anyone irl (i know that sounds super sad but it’s true... i dont feel like im close w anyone anymore and once i graduate from uni i feel like i’m gonna be cut off from everyone I currently talk to and I feel like no one would rly make the effort to talk to me otherwise)

so idk i kinda wanted to start a vlog/lifestyle channel so I could just chat to the camera, since i rly do have a lot of thoughts i’d like to share, but i’m just too scared to share them with anyone i actually know irl. it feels easier to just talk it out to no one in particular like a diary, but then have ppl (hopefully) care about it. but at the same time there are TONS of lifestyle channels out there and i dont think i have a particular “tv personality”? 

also filming those kinda videos have nothing to do w my university degree and idk i feel like.... it’s important to be well-rounded but i don’t want my degree to be for nothing, so i also have to think about what i want to do as my future career. which is really tough because... i’m in the sciences, i currently do clinical research in a lab, and it’s okay... i love the learning aspect but i’m not a fan of the actual scientific research process. i can’t really explain why but you’re just... studying something so small for so so so long and it’s hard to feel like you’re making any progress. but i suppose the beauty of the field is if/when you actually make progress and a contribution. i’m also scared about the whole competition in the field and constantly keeping yourself afloat with grants, idk if i want to dedicate my life to that. and to be honest i dont think im smart enough or that much of a critical thinker to become a researcher and get a phd, although i would really love to be a university professor (too bad u have to have a phd loool)

some other options are going to med school, optometry school, becoming a dietician or a physician’s assistant... med school is the scary one bc i always think about.... why would i want to be a doctor over another medical professional? do i actually have the qualities to be a good doctor, or am i just doing it bc of the image or the pressure? do i actually enjoy working with patients?? ofc those questions apply to the other options as well but... im always doubting myself and i feel like that quality alone is not very ideal for being a doctor. i would feel more comfortable being an optometrist, dietician, or physician’s assistant bc it feels like... even if you mess up there are still other people to back you up, whereas with a doctor, you are the one running the game. which is super important and impressive, but i just don’t know if i could handle with the stress and if i have the capabilities to make unwavering decisions. just cuz i know im so indecisive.... man. i got rejected from med school which is why im rethinking all of this. i might go to grad school next year, either in nutrition or continuing in physiology. i really like topics in nutrition and a masters in nutrition is only a year long, but i would have to find a new supervisor and im not a super huge fan of research (like i’ve said before)... but it seems better than a 2 year masters in physiology. i could stick with my current physiology supervisor, but that also means im stuck studying the same thing as i am now for 2 years. and idk if i love it that much.... agh... i dont know......... i wish someone could tell me what’s the best path... but i know no one can... and i know that no one is gonna read this huuuuuge text.... im just rambling at this point bc i have no one i feel comfortable personally messaging all of this to

being indecisive.... leads me to my next point. which is strange, but i really want to get a tattoo after i graduate. ive been thinking about what to get, and ofc, due to my indecisive nature, i can never really decide, but i think... i kinda know what i want? i just need to think of a good placement for it bc i dont want it to be visible in my every day life, just due to the judgemental nature of the field that im in right now and possibly will be in the future (eg. if i work in the medical field, i will most definitely be judged if i have visible tattoos, maybe less by the younger demographic but by the older ones for sure, and that can affect the whole patient-doctor interaction, or even interaction with mentors?) so if u have any tattoos, i’d love to know what you have (if you’re comfortable w sharing) and why, so it helps me justify getting my own lol (even though that doesnt rly make sense.. i should just get it if i want it, but im still debating)

guhhhh my brain has run out of juice and i should go to bed, im really trying to not sleep at 2 am today. i wish i could fall asleep faster. im not gonna give myself heck for not getting anything done during reading week, or tonight, cuz i know i’ve been going through some rough mental patches, but i hope if i sleep earlier, wake up a bit earlier, take back more control of my life, i can be more productive and less stressed. pls wish me luck.

i rly want... to make meaningful connections and impacts in this world.