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theonlythingimfuckingisstupid · 2 years ago

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i am, fucking in love with your ocs. tell me more about the oh seas crew?

oh ho ho, you have no idea what youve done >:)

(heres what they all look like <2)

so first of all, this story takes place about 30-35 years after my other one, so there's a few easter eggs. like archie and kaya both knowing robert (spence's brother) and talking about echo and nyks. i just feel like that's important to state here

putting the rest of this under the cut because its going to get long

there's two main ships in the story, archie's and kaya's. they used to be co-captains but they went through Shit and it changed them both enough to where they weren't good for each other anymore.

kaya and archie are a really interesting dynamic to me bc they've been married three times and two of the divorces were jokes. the last one was bc kaya almost killed archie by. lighting him on fire. but before the Shit they were pretty much inseparable. i'm talking people woulnd't recognize archie without kaya or kaya without archie.

after the Final Divorce, kaya left the ship and took ryn and pix with him. pix is one of my favorites but he's a pretty horrible creature. it's like a fucked up scientist but cooler bc he has horns. he used to do silly experiments on beau, but then archie took him and scratch onto his ship. ryn is a little more complicated, but i love them just the same, maybe a little more if im being honest. he's like. unhealthily attached to kaya to the point where he would put his life in danger if it meant kaya didn't get a small injury. its also pretty close with pix, but more in the sense that they work together and have had to put up with three divorces and also three weddings (all more complicated than the last)

there's other people on kaya's ship too, bc no way can the three of them keep anything running, but nobody of note here. they dont have official names yet bc im still working out some kinks in the outline

in archie's ship, he's got a few more people of note. torren, holden, trinket, scratch, beau, chrys, silas, and imogen. only torren and trinket were with him for the Divorce, but they all know about it. chrysanthemum (chrys for short), silas and imogen are triplets who were run out of their hometown, trinket is a marinething, torren is like archie's ryn (but less brutal), holden is kinda pix-esque (in the sense that he's a medic and sometimes goes a little overboard) beau and scratch are the Main Guys (well not beau but he is to me) who archie basically kidnapped from kaya's ship and took in as his own. he's closer with scratch though

trinket is one of my beloveds, it's so...*holds so so gently* basically, a marinething is something that i put in my wip bc i wanted something like a mermaid but not like a mermaid. you get it. its about the size of an orca (i think i have a post of what they can look like somewhere on tumblr, i'll have to check) and stays close to the ship. for obvious reasons, it can't go onto the ship, but it learned to communicate with the crew. it named itself and also came up with a last name (scarrow). it likes to collect small trinkets (woah i wonder how it chose its name) it finds and has a small space to keep them on the ship. marinethings have hands, but there's webbing between the fingers. theres subspecies, some of them have tails and some have legs, some flippers and some tentacles. trinket has a tail, so no land for it.

the triplets are inchestering to me, mostly silas bc hes the Main Guy of the three of them. silas is the youngest of them (by a few minutes but still) but he's been the one to protect them all. he's pretty much in love with scratch and would follow her anywhere if it would let him. chrys is the cook, but they're not the best at it. imogen kinda just does everything, she's good like that. chrys and holden are together a lot bc the kitchen is right next to holden's room. imogen is pretty tight with torren since they both keep the ship floating and silas is close with scratch

torren is the first-mate. she keeps everyone alive and sane (though it is hard). she was with archie through all his time with kaya and...she hates kaya with the entirety of her being. she and ryn were pretty close at one point, but after the Shit they drifted apart and now they'd kill each other on sight.

scratch and beau are...so dear to me <2 scratch's name is actually isadora, but kaya gave it to her so she just stopped answering to it and let the crew chose her name. they chose scratch bc of the very large scar across its face. she's pretty much adopted archie as her mentor (NOT her dad though, very important to it that people know that) and will take charge of the ship once hes too old to do it. it's very protective of beau bc of the Stuff they went through on kaya's ship (that nobody knows about except them), so the slightest hint of him freaking out sends her into Kill First Questions Never mode. beau is. my sweetest boy. he's mostly quiet and the only reason he seems so sweet is bc hes been through too much to stand up for himself :( but! he is very soft and can read scratch like a fucking book. they're basically ride or die unless it has to do with kaya, in which case beau will not go anywhere but his room.

one thing abt beau though is that he is my special boy and has never done anything wrong ever <2

the magic system is basically the same as in my other wip but not many on any of the ships have magic. trinket has abilities bc of its being another species, but other than that there's not much to note. torren's mood might affect the waves a bit, but everyone ignores it and they havent tipped over yet. and if scratch should've died a few near-death experiences ago that can be ignored too because surely she'd have told them if it was immortal, right?

archie is. like a feral cat who used to live with an old lady but then the old lady died and he had to fend for himself for a few years until a kid noticed him and started to give him bits of their food but never actually did anything about him and eventually stopped giving him bits of their food. then he got caught by animal control and adopted by a person with a few other cats and is actually pretty chill now if you ignore the random bits of rage and energy. but a dog. he's got fangs (<2) and talks like his nose was broken a lot and never set quite right and oh yeah he's missing an eye. doesn't bother him much as long as nobody comes up on that side and he's ignoring it as hard as he can (it bothers him a lot)

if kaya's a bit of a witch, i wouldn't hold it against him. nothing too big or flashy, just a little hex here and there. a curse on isadora to prove to it that she'll always be alone, sure (its more tethering the equivalent of a demon to her soul). does archie sometimes feel like he's being watched? pretty much always. but that's hardly kaya's fault that archie just leaves pieces of himself everywhere he goes.

ok i think thats it for now, thank you so much for the ask! i had a lot of fun typing this out :)

#em rambles #thank you for the ask :)#oh seas #kaya bloodstone #ryn ransom #pix ashby #archibald blair #torren leighton #isadora harper #beauregard hill #trinket scarrow #holden florence #chrysanthemum gable #silas gable #imogen gable

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tarobytez · 3 years ago

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disability in the Six Of Crows Duology; an analysis of Kaz Brekker, Wylan Van Eck, and the fandom’s treatment of them.

****Note: I originally wrote this for a tiktok series, which im still going to do, but i wanted to post here as well bc tumblr is major contributor to what im going to talk about

CW: ableism, filicide, abuse

In the Six of Crows duology, Leigh Bardugo delicately subverts and melds harmful disability tropes into her narrative, unpacking them in a way that I, as a disabled person, found immensely refreshing and…. just brilliant.

But what did you all do with that? Well, you fucked it up. Instead of critically looking at the characters, y’all just chose to be ableist.

For the next few videos paragraphs im going to unpack disability theory (largely the stuff surrounding media, for obvious reasons) and how it relates to Six Of Crows and the characterization of Kaz Brekker and Wylan Van Eck, then how, despite their brilliant writing, y’all completely overlooked the actual text and continuously revert them to ableist cariactures.

Disclaimer: 1. Shocker - i am disabled. I have also extensively researched disability theory and am very active in the disabled community. Basically, I know my shit. 2. im going to be mad in these videos this analysis. Because the way y’all have been acting has been going on for a long ass time and im fuckin sick of it. I don’t give a shit about non-disabled feelings, die mad

Firstly, I’m going to discuss Kaz, his play on the stereotypical “mean cripple” trope and how Bardugo subverts it, his cane, and disabled rage. Then, I am going to discuss Wylan, the “inspiration porn” stereotype, caregivers / parents, and the social model of disability. Finally, I will then explain the problems in the fandom from my perspective as a disabled person, largely when it comes to wylan, bc yall cant leave that boy tf alone.

Kaz Brekker

Think of a character who uses a cane (obviously not Kaz). Now, are they evil, dubiously moral, or just an asshole in general? Because nearly example I can think of is: whether it be Lots’O from Toy Story, Lucius Malfoy, or even Scrooge and Mr.Gold from Once Upon A Time all have canes (the last two even having their canes appear less and less as they become better people)

The mean/evil cripple trope is far more common than you would think. Villains with different bodies are confined to the role of “evil”. To quote TV Tropes, who I think did a brilliant job on explaining it “The first is rooted in eugenics-based ideas linking disability or other physical deformities with a "natural" predisposition towards madness, criminality, vice, etc. The Rule of Symbolism is often at work here, since a "crippled" body can be used to represent a "crippled" soul — and indeed, a disabled villain is usually put in contrast to a morally upright and physically "perfect" hero. Whether consciously on the part of the writer or not, this can reinforce cultural ideas of disability making a person inherently inferior or negative, much in the same way the Sissy Villain or Depraved Homosexual trope associate sexual and gender nonconformity with evil. ”

Our introduction to Kaz affirms this notion of him being bad or morally bankrupt, with “Kaz Brekker didn’t need a reason”, etc. This mythologized version of himself, the “bastard of the barrel” actively fed into this misconception. But, as we the audience are privy to his inner thoughts, know that he is just a teenager like every other Crow. He is complex, his disability isn’t this tragic backstory, he just fell off a roof. It’s not his main motivation, nor does he curse revenge for making him a cripple - it is just another part of who he is.

His cane (though the shows version fills me with rage but-) is an extension of Kaz - he fights with it, but it has a purpose. Another common thing in media is for canes to be simply accessories, but while Kaz’ cane is fashionable, it has purpose.

The quote “There was no part of him that was not broken, that had not healed wrong and there was no part of him that was not stronger for having been broken.” is so fucking powerful. Kaz does not want nor need a cure - its said in Crooked Kingdom that his leg could most likely be healed, but he chooses not to. Abled-bodied people tend to dismiss this thought as Kaz being stubborn but it shows a reality of acceptance of his disability that is just, so refreshing.

In chapter 22 of SOC, we see disabled rage done right - when he is called a cripple by the Fjerdan inmate, Kaz is pissed - the important detail being that he is pissed at the Fjerdan, at society for ableism, not blaming it on being disabled or wishing he could be normal. He takes action, dislocating the asshole’s shoulder and proving to him, and to a lesser extent, himself, that he is just as capable as anyone else, not in spite of, but because he is disabled. And that is the point of Kaz, harking back to the line that “there was no part of him that was not stronger for having been broken”.

I cried on numerous occasions while reading the SOC duology, but the parts I highlighted in this section especially so. I, as many other disabled people do, have had a long and tumultuous relationship with our disability/es, and for many still struggle. But Kaz Brekker gave me an empowered disabled character who accepts themselves, and that means the world to me.

Keeping that in mind, I hope you can understand why it hurts so much to disabled people when you either erase Kaz’s disability (whether through cosplay or fanfiction), or portray him as a “broken boy uwu”, especially implying that he would want a cure. That flies in the face of canon and is inherently fucking ableist. (if u think im mad wait until the next section)

Next, we have Wylan.

Oh fucking boy.

I love Wylan so fucking much, and y’all just do not seem to understand his character? Like at all? Since this is disability-centric, I’m not going to discuss how the intersection of his queerness also contributes to these issues, but trust me when I say it’s a contributing factor to what i'm going to say.

Wylan, motherfucking Van Eck. If you ableist pricks don’t take ur fucking hands off him right now im going to fight you. I see Wylan as a subversion another, and in my opinion more insidious stereotype pf disabled people - inspiration porn.

Cara Liebowitz in a 2015 article on the blog The Body Is Not An Apology explains in greater detail how inspiration porn is impactful in real life, but media is a major contributing factor to this reality. The technical definition is “the portrayal of people with disabilities as inspirational solely or in part on the basis of their disability” - but that does not cover it fully.

Inspiration porn does lasting damage on the disabled community as it implies that disability is a negative that you need to “overcome” or “triumph” instead of something one can feel proud of. It exploits disabled people for the development of non-disabled people, and in media often the white male protagonist. Framing disability as inherently negative perpetuates ideals of eugenics and cures - see Autism $peaks’ “I Am Autism” ad. Inspiration porn is also incredibly patronizing as it implies that we cannot take care of ourselves, or do things like non-disabled people do. Because i stg some of you tend to think that we just sit around all day wishing we weren’t disabled.

Another important theory ideal that is necessary when thinking about Wylan is the experience of feeling like a burden simply for needing help or accommodations. This is especially true when it comes to familial relationships, and internalized ableism.

The rhetoric that Wylan’s father drilled into his head, that he is “defective”, “a mistake”, and “needs to be corrected”, that he (Jan) was “cursed with a moron for a child” is a long held belief that disabled people hear relentlessly. And while many see Van Eck’s attempted murder of Wylan as “preposturous” and overall something that you would never think happens today - filicide (a parent murdering their child) is more common than you would like to believe. Without even mentioning the countless and often unreported deaths of disabled people due to lack of / insufficient / neglectful medical care, in a study on children who died from the result of household abuse, 40 of 42 of them (95%) were diagnosed with disabilities. Van Eck is not some caricature of ableist ideals - he is a real reflection on how many people and family members view disability.

Circling back to how Wylan unpacks the inspiration porn trope - he is 3 dimensional, he is not only used to develop the other characters, he is just *chefs kiss* Leigh, imo, put so much love and care into the creation of Wylan and his story and character growth that is representative of a larger feeling in the disabled community.

That being said, what you non-disabled motherfuckers have done to him.

The “haha Wylan can’t read” jokes aren’t and were not funny. Y’all literally boiled down everything Wylan is to him being dyslexic. And it’s like,,,, the only thing you can say about him. You ignore every other part of him other than his disability, and then mock him for it. There’s so much you can say about Wylan - simping for Jesper, being band kid and playing the fuckin flute, literally anything else. But no, you just chose to mock his disability, excellent fucking job!

Next up on “ableds stfu” - infantilization! y’all are so fucking condescending to Wylan, and treat him like a fucking toddler. And while partly it is due to his sexuality i think a larger portion is him being disabled. Its in the same vein of people who think that Wylan and Jesper are romantically one sided, and that Jesper only kind of liked Wylan, despite the canon evidence of him loving Wylan just as much. You all view him as a “smol bean”, who needs protecting, and care, when Wylan is the opposite of that. He is a fucking demolitions expert who suggested waking up sleeping men to kill them - what about that says “uwu”. You are treating Wylan as a burden to Jesper and the other Crows when he is an immensely valuable, fully autonomous disabled person - you all just view him as damaged.

And before I get a comment saying that “uhhh Wylan isn’t real why do you care” while Wylan may not be real, how you all view him and treat him has real fucking impacts and informs how you treat people like me. If someone called me an “uwu baby boy” they’d get a fist square in the fucking jaw. Fiction informs how we perceive the world and y’all are making it super fucking clear how you see disabled people.

Finally, I wanted to talk about how the social model of disability is portrayed through Wylan. For those who are unaware, the social model of disability contrasts the medical model, that views the disability itself as the problem, that needs to be cured, whereas the social model essentially boils down to creating an accommodating society, where disability acceptance and pride is the goal. And we see this with Wylan - he is able to manage his father’s estate, with Jesper’s assistance to help him read documents. And this is not out of pity or charity, but an act of love. It is not portrayed as this almighty act for Jesper to play saviour, just a given, which is incredibly important to show, especially for someone who has been abused by family for his disability like Wylan, that he is accepted.

Yet, I still see people hold up Jesper on a pedestal for “putting up with” Wylan, as if loving a disabled person deserves a fucking pat on the back. It’s genuinely exhausting trying to engage with a work I love so much with a fandom that thinks so little of me and my community. It fucking shows.

Overall, Leigh Bardugo as a disabled person wrote two incredibly meticulous and empowered disabled characters, and due to either lack of reading comprehension, ableism, or a quirky mix of both, the fandom has ignored canon and the experiences of disabled people for…. shits and giggles i guess. And yes, there are issues with the Grishaverse and disability representation - while I haven’t finished them yet so I do not have an opinion on it, people have been discussing issues in the KOS duology with ableist ideals. This mini series was no way indicative of the entire disabled experience, nor does it represent my entire view on the representation as a whole. These things need to be met critically in our community, and talked about with disabled voices at the forefront. For example, the limited perspective we get of Wylan and Kaz being both white men, does not account for a large portion of the disabled community and the intersection of multiple identities.

All-in-all, Critique media, but do not forget to also critique fandom spaces. Alternatively, just shut the fuck up :)

happy fucking disability pride month, ig

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seabass17 · 3 years ago

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All that’s left | Bucky Barnes

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Fem!Reader

A/n: This is my first time writing something based on a video I found on TikTok, it’s not exactly the same, but it is kinda the idea. I hope you like it and please let me know if you might want a part two. Also, I apologize if you find some errors, im doing my best since English is not my first language. Anyway, happy reading!!

All that’s left masterlist

Pt. 2

Warnings: angst, mentions of injuries (broken ribs, cuts, dislocated shoulder)

Word count: 2.5K

Summary: She still can’t get used to the feeling of being left behind by the people she once called family. After being hurt, she decides that she will give them a chance, and when they failed, she then makes the decision to disappear and start brand new. Of course, she leaves a letter that will left the team standing in the dark, and with more questions than answers about a lot of things, while discovering that she has more of one past that she let to know.

The sound of the rain hitting against the window of my living room was the only thing that could be heard in the silence of my apartment. I looked over my desk where the paper is waiting for me to pick up the pen and get this over with, but somehow, somewhere deep inside of me, a part is waiting, holding on to the smallest of hope that maybe, just maybe, he is going to come knocking to my door asking why the i haven’t showed up to the compound for the last three days, or why i didn’t text nor call the rest of the team. I wanted to see if they would notice my absence so I left the compound on Thursday. I got the answer to my question when Sunday arrived and my inbox was clear; no one noticed. Today is Tuesday, my apartment is thirteen minutes away, fifthteen if you literally fly or speed up, but still, no one came or text.

To be honest, I'm not surprised, that doesn’t mean it hurts less though. I know i should probably think this through instead of making the impulse decision of grabbing my things and get the hell out of here, going somewhere i can start fresh, somewhere i can start over and get a chance to get over all the things that happened, find people that actually cared for me, or maybe not finding anyone at all and die alone.

I stand up from my bed and go to my desk, it’s time to get this over with. I start writing the only thing that they get to keep.

“Dear Avengers, You’re probably wondering where I am, or you just don’t care, maybe you don’t even find this. If someone from the building finds this, keep it in case they ever come looking for me; thank you. So, this is it, this is my goodbye. You should consider yourselves lucky, given the fact that none of you even deserves a goodbye because you are the ones causing it. I could tell you the reason why I'm leaving, and you know what, I will tell you. I chose to trust you. The one thing I feared the most was trusting people, but when I joined the team, I thought ‘well, maybe i can trust them, they are my team’, guess what, I was wrong. You should really look out for your teammates Stark, oh, and by the way, you might want to look deeper into why the operation that saved those 30 civilians on may 20, didn’t go south, you might even discover its the very same reason of why i didn’t showed up in the compound for a week, yeah, they were busy torturing the information out of me for a week; information that, by the way, i didn't give, hence why the operation went great. Something even more funny, is that behind every mistake, every wrong that each one of you have ever done, I’m the one that suffered the consequences. Don’t believe me? Then you might want to do your homework, because dear teammates, I’m the one you couldn’t protect. By the time you find out the things you’ve done, I will be long gone. I'm very good at disappearing, Natasha (once she figures it out) can confirm that. I wish things would be different and we could be… family, but that’s never going to happen; not anymore. As of now, there will be no record of my name ever existing, everything that once belonged to me, will be burned, and as of me, well, I am no one.”

I fold the piece of paper and put it in the envelope, once sealed, I write down the word my name in the center so they know. I take a last look at my apartment. Everything is intact, the furniture that came with it is the same as always, the only thing different is that it seems empty without all my belongings. I grabbed my luggage and exited the apartment and then went downstairs.

“Hey Richard” I say to the man that is in the reception like I always do

“Hey miss, what can I do for you?”

“Well, I'm leaving, for good. If someone comes asking for me, my friends, you tell them that you haven’t seen me. Oh, I left a letter for them upstairs, could you please make sure that it gets to them? Only if the show up, do not sent it”

He looked at me a little sad and confused.

“Oh, well, you will me missed miss, I hope you find happiness and yes, i promised i will make sure they get your letter”

“Thank you Richard, for everything, oh, and this is for you” I handed him an envelope with some cash. He looked like he was about to say something about how he couldn’t accept it but I cut him off. “Please, just take it, please”. He sighs but takes the envelope.

“Thank you miss…”

I smiled at him and then turned around to grab a cab. I'm supposed to be in the airport in 30 minutes. Once in the airport, the only thing left is to start again, be someone brand new.

*3rd person POV*

Friday morning was a little colder than usual in the avengers compound, everyone on the team was up and in the kitchen having breakfast. Everything was normal, until someone noticed that someone was missing.

“Hey guys” Bucky said right before taking a bite of the pancakes Wanda made earlier for everyone. “Have any of you seen y/n?”

The team stayed quiet, realizing that they haven’t seen her for quite a while, not until Barnes brought it up.

“Uh… maybe she took a trip?” Steve broke the silence while the rest started thinking when was the last time they had seen her.

“No, she was here when we arrived from the Jersey mission, it must have been like what, two days, maybe three?” Tony said. Bucky could feel his insides burning and twisting.

“No… that was eight days ago” Vision intervened. The avengers felt like someone just blew up the white house. Her teammate was missing for eight days and no one even noticed. Bucky was the first one to react by getting up and running to her dorm, only to find it exactly the way it was when he last saw her. He searched her dorm looking for something out of place that could tell him that maybe you were in trouble and that he has to come save you, but he is left desperate when he doesn’t find anything.

“She’s not here, everything is intact” He informs once he is back in the kitchen.

“Everyone” Steve calls out, “get dressed, we’re going to look for her. Let’s start in her apartment”

The team leaves to change their clothes and next thing they know, they are in her building. Without saying a word to the receptionist, they all made their way up to her apartment.

“Hey! wait-” he goes unnoticed because the avengers are already on her door. Wanda knocks on the door.

“Y/n? You there?” no one responds. “Y/n come on, don’t be mad at us” Natasha says.

After a few seconds they all start to worry when the door is unlocked, and they worry even more once they see the apartment completely empty.

“What the-” Bucky says

“Where are her things?” Wanda asks to no one especifically

“Where is she?” Thor says

“What the hell is going on?” Tony says a little louder

Bucky storms out of the empty apartment and goes to the man in the reception

“What the hell happened to apartment 108, where is y/n y/l/n?” he asks with worry and anxiety in his voice.

“I’m sorry, but, who are you?” the man asks the rather intimidating group of people in front of him.

“We’re the Avengers man” Peter says and the man suddenly realizes and his face changes from a confused one, to a sad one that makes the team’s stomach drop.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t…” he sighs, “She left me indicated to give this to you” he hands them an envelope that looks like it's been sitting there for a while. Bucky stares at the envelope like it's some kind of nuclear weapon that if you touch it, it could kill you. Wanda notices, grabs the envelope and stares at the paper in her hands.

“When did she leave this?” She asked

“Three days ago”

“And why didn’t you send it to us?” Tony asked, getting angry at the poor man.

“Because she specifically said to handed it to you, if you ever came looking for her”

Bucky could feel the tears in his eyes start to form.

“She said that? `Ever’?” Bucky asked almost to himself. The man slowly nodded. Natasha could feel how her stomach started burning from the guilt and the pain of not noticing that her friend was missing for eight days, little does she know that the entire team felt exactly the same.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y pull the records on the mission on may 20 and also show me the status of y/n on that time” Tony said to the AI and after a few seconds later, pictures of the building that that was about to be blown out by HYDRA with 30 civilians inside showed up. While the avengers were sitting in the conference room looking at the pictures, the AI started talking.

“Mission of may 20. Information was given that HYDRA kept 30 civilians inside the building with the intention of blowing it up with them inside. Source of the information unknown. The Avengers came to the building and successfully rescued the civilians safely moments before the building was blown up. Agent y/n y/l/n was on an undercover mission on a HYDRA facility at the same time, the communication was lost three days before the civilians situation, and around the same time, the information about the building was given anonymously the very same day that communication with Agent y/l/n was lost; Agent y/l/n returned a week later. Medical record found, access denied”

“Override, Tony Stark” Tony said after a good couple of seconds, the pieces starting to fall in place.

“Access complete. Medical records of Agent y/l/n on may 27th. Access restrained: Agent y/l/n. She presented with several cuts all over her body, three broken ribs, a second grade concussion, a sprained ankle and a dislocated shoulder. Patient refused treatment and was only given medication for the pain”

The seconds were passing and no one in the room would break the silence. The pieces were starting to fall in place, Tony felt nauseous. He yelled at her for being irresponsible for staying a little longer than she should have in the undercover mission, given the fact that she checked in on june 10th, meaning that she waited two weeks for her injuries to heal enough so that he could yell at her for not being good enough. He fell down to his chair, feeling like if he stayed up, he might throw up.

“She was the one that gave us the information about the building” Sam broke the silence. “She was the one that got tortured, and still managed to pass through the data so that we, could be the heroes while she was the one that got beaten up”

“F.R.I.D.A.Y, where is she?” Natasha asked the AI, and it responded after a few seconds.

“No information found”

Natasha frowned, Bucky looked up to the screen to see the red sentence. It only made him want to scream more.

“What does ‘no information found’ mean?” Bucky asked on the edge of falling apart.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y” Steve called

“No information available” it said this time.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y, look for y/n y/l/n” Tony said, thinking maybe he needed to check what was wrong with the AI.

“No records found for y/n y/l/n”

“Detail,” Stark said.

The AI showed what it said before, there was no record of her name, it was like it never existed. No phone number, no mail address, no nothing, just a little picture of an abandoned building or mansion somewhere in the world.

“Wait” Natasha said, “I know that building, F.R.I.D.A.Y, do a close up on that picture”

“What is it?” Wanda asked

“It was where The Red Room used to operate” tha AI responded

“Why does it appear related to her?” Bucky asked, fearing the answer

“The picture was taken when a girl escaped The Red Room in 2002, she eliminated four people on the way, the age or who it was is still unknown” the AI responded.

“Oh god…” Natasha whispered but Bucky manage it to hear it

“Natasha, what is it?” he asked

“2002, that’s three years after i managed to escape, there was a girl, we were some sort of friends, i promised that i was going to get us out of here, but i couldn’t take her with me so i left her. Two years later I contacted someone on the inside so that I could get to her and plan her escape, but she was angry at me and said that she was fine, a year later she did escape, killing four people on her way” Natasha explained. Everything makes sense now, why she looked familiar, why she had exactly the same skills as Natasha. The team noticed it too, but they assumed it was because she had trained very hard to be an avenger.

“What was her name?” Vision asked.

“Eliza” Natasha said

“Wait a minute…” Bucky said, lifting her head looking at Natasha. “Was that her real name?”

“No, she didn’t wanted to say her real one” Natasha said

“Eliza, that’s y/n’s grandmother’s name” Bucky said and the room fell into a silence where you could hear the wind outside.

“In the letter…” Steve started, “She said that you could confirm that she was good at disappearing completely once you figured it out, so, does this mean that…”

“Y/n is Eliza” Natasha concluded

“She was in The Red Room” Bucky added.

“She said in her letter that all of us did her wrong,” Sam said, “how are we supposed to know what the hell we do to her? She’s been in the team for what, two and a half years? And just now we realized that she was the one that gave us the data that saved 30 people and got her tortured, and that she was trained in The Red Room like Black Widow here. What else are we missing?” he added.

“Guess there’s only one thing we can do” Steve said, looking at Tony.

“And what’s that?” Wanda asked

“We find her”

#avengers #bucky barnes #imagines #marvel #bucky barnes angst #bucky x female reader #the red room #natasha romonova #tony stark #steve rogers #wanda maximoff #peter parker #hydra

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maccreadysimp · 4 years ago

Text

breaking down this anti-ian article bc it bothers me ( from the child of a bipolar mother and a male teen with same sex attraction ) while also providing valid reasons ian sucks ( from someone who likes ian )

ive had this drafted for a while so i dont think i cover anything from season 11

tw for i^cest and r^pe

he was with a married man

in this point it points out that he was with kash and he continued his relationship with kash even after linda put cameras in the store

“Ian didn't seem to care about how wrong his affair with Kash was or how much it could hurt Kash's wife Linda, whom he saw at the store regularly. “

that is a quote from that part.

ian gallagher was fifteen in season one, kash was an older man who bought him gifts and payed attention to ian ,, that was not on ian , none of that was ian fault because he was a child

ian wasnt open with lip

“ Ian didn't tell Lip about his preferences and forced Lip to figure it out on his own. Lip was instantly accepting of his brother's truth and even offered to help him figure out any confusion he might be harboring, so it's really strange that Ian wasn't just upfront with his closest confidant from the start.”

no , lip wasnt forced to figure it out on his own and he also wasn’t instantly accepting.

in this point it mentions that ‘they’re extremely close ( bestfriends and brothers ) so its strange ian didnt tell him’

like point 1 , ian is a fifteen year old boy, growing up on the southside , and thoughout the show it has mentioned multiple times that the southside isnt that accepting

back to lip -- lip wasnt accepting, sure he was fine but ‘helping your younger brother figure it out’ by having a (female) classmate give him a blowjob isnt helping

he secretly dated his best friends brother

“Most friends have an unspoken rule about not dating each other's siblings, but Ian broke this rule by secretly entering into a relationship with Mandy's closeted brother Mickey.”

the only thing i have to say about this is , he was still with kash and mickey was a boy in his age group who was gay , growing up in the southside ian probably thought he was the token gay so of course hes going to chase after mickey

he stood by as kash attacked mickey

“Ian didn't do anything to stop Kash from shooting his new lover, and didn't even tell the police about his boss' over-the-top display of jealous action so proper justice could be served.”

okay. because two men he had fallen for had gotten into a fight, there was a gun involved and he panicked, in the end after mickey got shot he went to him

now to address the quote, he didnt say anything to the police because he probably knew that that would bring shame onto kash and his family, along with mickey and his family who are very homophobic

oh yeah and it was like 2011 and cops suck and THEY LIVE ON THE SOUTHSIDE

he and lip tried framing terry milkovich

oh the homophobic and racist dad of his boyfriend and bestfriend who tried to kill him and r*ped his daughter ?

yeah , shit man , that was real bad they shouldn’t have done that /s

he dated jimmy-steves married father

“Ian didn't bother telling Jimmy the truth about his father and didn't end his relationship with Lloyd upon finding out that he had a secret wife and family, either.”

at this point ian is probably sixteen but that doesnt matter bc i wont even address that

he met him at a club and then used his relationship with ned to make mickey jealous which was one of the reasons he kept seeing him, he didnt tell jimmy-steve about the relationship or his father bc he shouldnt find out from him he should find out from his father , again like kash, ned was an older man who payed attention to ian and ned later did develop feelings feelings for ian

he stole lips identity to enlist in the army

he enlisted because he didnt know what to do with himself, its implied/stated that the army timeline was the start of his bipolar

“While impersonating Lip, Ian had tried to steal a helicopter and then proceeded to go AWOL.”

this is because of the bipolar he suffers from, it is referenced later in the series after he gets back and hes manic

ian refused to accept being bipolar

of course he didnt accept it, it is made very clear that his family thinks lowly of monica so of course if hes the lucky duck to get what his siblings demonize her for, of course he’ll not want to be it

“He refused to take medications that could alter his personality or mood.”

okay. this is why im making this whole post, this goes along with part 15 ( or so idk ) ,,

my mother , my dear mother, who is bipolar and doesnt take her meds because they are mood altering , my mom doesnt take med because she told me once that they make her feel like shit, she told me that a little after i was born she started taking them but realized she felt nothing, she felt nothing for my dad or for i ( making her numb )

she told me anti deppresents dont help either because when shes on them and manic it pushes her past productive and into angry

my dad told me that when my mom was on bi polar medication she would seem angry most of the time

he wasnt faitful to mickey

“Ian's bipolar disorder made him very reckless and impulsive and led him to be unfaithful.”

lets break that down.

ians. bipolar. disorder.

this plot point i actually didnt like, mainly bc ian never addresses it so ill give the article a point. but then i take away 2 because they have more of a problem with his bipolar messing with him rather than the fact he never apologized and they never worked it out

ian stole yevgeny

before i start quoting i should mention because his boyfriend, who has supported and helped him is suddenly telling him he needs help, he was helping raise yev so he’ll see yev as his own

“Ian failed to recognize just how crazy he was acting...”

cuting you off right there , he was in a bipolar state, he wasnt ‘crazy’ and isnt ‘crazy’

he cant even keep count of his number of partners

just slutshaming i see

he helped throw frank off a bridge

“His relationship with Frank was understandably never the same after that, as Frank struggled to get over this act of betrayal and cruelty.”

‘was never the same after that’ frank never liked ian, ian was probably his least favorite and that point is very apparent

also , it wasnt just ian , his siblings and his boyfriend caleb

he left a healthy relationship to be with mickey

he fell in love with mickey at 15 , mickey was a comfort and always someone to fall back on, when mickey was taken away and no longer in the picture his heart still obviously was with mickey and when mickey came back he didnt know what to do

he told mickey he had a boyfriend but because mickey has been such a constant in his life he finally has back of course he couldnt resist

he liked trevor, i could tell he did but trevor wasnt the one he watched get r^ped by a russian prostitute, he wasnt the one ian was secretly dating bc it would be a death wish other wise, he wasnt the one there when ian was manic or depressive ( at the start )

he tried blackmailing an old client for money

“Instead of raising the money in an honest manner, Ian chose to visit an old client from his time working at the Fairy Tail and blackmail him into funding the shelter.”

because he felt indebted to trevor and wanted to make it up to him, it would have taken longer to do it in ‘an honest manner’ when his sister would have gotten it instead, he knew how much gay youths like he once was needed a safe place

“He grew up wanting to be nothing like his father, but this whole money-making scheme was straight out of the Frank playbook”

because thats all he knows, he grew up with that ‘playbook’ so of course hes going to take a page out of it, he is nothing like frank , franks money making schemes are selfish and for his own greed while ian wanted the money to help build a safe space for lgbt youth

he let fame inflate his ego

of course he did, hes a southside kid who was destined to fail

also it is very apparent that during the gay jesus era he went off his medication which didnt help

“Before long, he just completely forgot about his ex and focused solely on being a deity”

as much as yes, he did let it mess with his head, he was trying to still help lgbt youth and was going against anti gay churchs , in the end it didnt work out for him because he was off his meds and went over board

he stopped taking his meds

see previous point and ‘ian refused to accept being bipolar’

he actually wanted to stay in prison

because he was doing good in there

ian was helping others and was spreading awareness about lgbt with in the prison , and as him and jail scenes go , we can see people were listening to him and he was trying to make it safe sane and consensual

he let down his army of followers

“Ian admitted that most of his actions were completely irrational and the mere results of his bipolar disorder.”

he didnt want to, we can see this, because he knew he would let down everyone, his family were the only ones to ever ground him and they knew it would be the best option for his own mental health

during the gallavich wedding we can see that a lot of his supporters still have his back because they must know how hard it was for him to put all of that success on something he can’t control

he constantly wasted his potential

this is actually the only point in this article i actually agree with , so only 1/20 i agree with

his relationship with mickey wasn’t actually great

“Mickey spent the first several years of their relationship denying his feelings for Ian.”

he was raised by a homophobic and racist father who he knew would react the way he did when terry had caught the two that one day

“Even after he finally embraced his true self, Ian's bipolar disorder kept them from becoming truly happy together.”

yes but mickey was there for him the entire time and helped him through it, he told him he loved him which was really big for him and did his best to care for him

“They couldn't seem to remain faithful to each other for more than a few weeks.”

back to the point about ians bipolar but for mickey he wanted monogamy , now that scene in s11 may say otherwise but it is very clear that he wants a monogamous relationship with ian and ian ( after getting help ) wants one too, and in the later seasons they are monogamous

“When Mickey asked Ian to run away to Mexico with him, Ian refused.”

he wanted to, it’s obvious, but ian has his family and didnt want to abandon them again, i think part of him knew he would see mickey again because they always find eachother, he gave mickey all of his money and wanted mickey to have a good life

“Their relationship was simply never healthy.”

no it wasnt, but thats why the ship is great in its own way, the gay closet kid raised by a homophobic man is obviously going to have a lot of baggage , and ian who is bipolar and struggling with himself will also have a lot of baggage , but in the end they love eachother and that really shows in season five and season seven specifically

that is all lol ,,, this is long sorry

now, i am not a ian apologist , i love ian but hes a dumbass sometimes

actual valid reasons ian sucks

genuinely believes frank is worse than terry

yes frank was definitely abusive but terry is definitely worse ,,

mentally/physically/sexually abusive , the whole nine yards

terry hired a prostitute to r^pe his son , threatened to kill him and ian on multiple occasions , r^ped his daughter who ended up pregnant and is actively racist

frank on the other hand will make gay jokes but in the end doesnt give enough of a shit , he has attacked his children on multiple occasions but not to the brutality that terry has ( this isnt me excusing it )

sorry ian , terry is worse

never apologized

he never apologized for all the shit he put mickey and his family through, never apologized to mickey for cheating on him , never apologized for all the manic and depressive episodes mickey endured with him

never apologized for walking away when he couldn’t handle it, in hall of shame mickey actually acknowledges this saying ‘its youre whole MO’

debbies sexuality

he has constantly made statements saying debbie isnt gay and that bothers me because , why does it care ? as a gay man and as a gay man who soent time with a lot of lgbt youth wouldnt he support his sister even if shes just ‘experimenting’?

in the recent season he doesnt seem to care and doesn’t say anything but it still bothers me

mickey only getting like 80% of his heart

okay look , i get what ian means when he says this , everyones hes been with has made him who he is but fucking hell dude ,, shut up , thats your husband , thats the love of your life you shouldnt be saying shit like that , especially to him

and then this man had the audacity to say mickey probably feels the same about past flings when he knows that ian is the only one hes probably ever been with/serious about

obviously there is probably more but those are the main ones that come to mind

—

before anyone brings up the trans or bi thing im going to explain my thought process for him

like ive probably mentioned multiple times he grew up southside and obviously only ever grew up with lgb and not t ,, trevor did inform him a lot and ian became supre accepting of everyone,, sexual preference isnt transphobic but i do think he approached the matter badly

now the bi thing , legit all i think is that he doesnt hate bisexual people its just that the man he really liked slept with a woman and never expressed any heterosexual attraction so it probably just suprised him and pissed him off because caleb did cheat on ian

—

if you read this far HOLY SHIT THANKS LOL ,, im not adding things that i think are pro about ian this was just me breaking down that article and giving my two cents :)

feel free to message me and talk to me or send me articles like this about any other character/relationship and i will totally break that one down too lol

thanks for letting me rant

#mine #shameless #ian gallgher #gallavich #mickey milkovich #text post

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sydneyshipsstuff · 4 years ago

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so uh last night at like 4 am i couldnt sleep, decided to walk my dog, and came up with this bad boy. It’s a rough draft, though. um @professional-benaddict read it and told me to post it, so whatever rafni says goes.

-Little! Peter with like everyone lmao (platonically), but main pairing is Tony x Peter. everyone is 18+ and Littles are known. but yeah, I call this “uncanonically Canon AU” because it follows canon character tropes (except Peter).

----------------

so i LOVE the doctor trope w stephen and tony to death, like probably a lil too much, but hear me out

--canon tony and the avengers with not canon (aka powerless) little peter

--im thinking how they met is before peter became classified as a little, he was smart smart. so, he still gets the internship, but a real one this time.

--hes hanging out with the other interns when he feels himself regress. he freaks and goes to hide in a bathroom or something

--he runs into (probably pepper??) someone and they help him get out of the tower because he's obviously very vulnerable

--they (pepper?) take him to the hospital to get tested and find out hes a high care little. once they find out peter freaks out because omg he cant work like this

--(pepper?) assures him that they will figure it our, but with no CG, and just for plot sake, he also is living alone at this point so they dont feel comfortable sending him home, so he stays overnight, at least, in the hospital

--(pepper?) goes to talk to tony himself about this since hes the one who chose and hired the interns. tony isnt quite sure what to do because peter is one of the best in their group

--(pepper?) suggests that he go have a one on one talk with peter and see what the boy wants to do with his future, and also meet with the doctors to see what they think is best for his future

--now, tony has met peter a few times, and the kid is pretty cool, but he never really cared about him (harsh, but canon tony is pretty reserved so yuh) so, when he goes into the hospital room to talk with him, hes mentally preparing to never see peter again

--but, when he walks in, he sees peter sat on a cot carefully coloring in an avengers coloring book, and his entire aura is different and /adorable/

--as if he wasnt already kinda done for, when peter notices he's there, he looks up, eyes blown wide and a kid-like face on full of awe

--he sits on the end of the bed and they simply stare at each other before peter finally gets the courage to ask why tony is there, stuttering through it like an adorable mess

--tony freaks out, because as good as peter is, he planned on letting peter down, but now that hes here, all he wants is to see the boy.

--instead he smooths his nervousness and easily asks about how the boy is doing. he asks if peter has a CG, and predicably, peter just sadly shakes his head

--anyways i dont really know how this part would be worded, and it probably wouldnt happen in just one day, but eventually tony asks peter if he wants tony to take care of him

--peter is a cutie and accepts, again dont really have this part planned out, im akward when it comes to writing about the adopting of a little

--he goes with tony and since he lives in the tower, he also gets the avengers as glorified CGs. now this is the part i LOVE

***added part by Rafni:

"I’d imagine that Peter would just be kept in the hospital, like he doesn’t need any meds nor saline so he doesn’t even have a drip nor is he hooked up to any monitors. He is just there in the hospital pyjamas colouring and waiting for someone to take care of him🥺👀"

And since there’s no medical concerns (anymore) the nurses would have more time to just chat with Peter and make sure he is like mentally taken care of 🌸🌸

---

tony stark- he's obviously the main man and does all the main caring. hes the one who sleeps with peter and makes sure he gets food, and plans the days. he also sometimes will hand make little gadgets (safe ofc) to occupy peter. he gets peter little engineering/inventing kits and will hold back any groans he has as peter hits his leg with a plastic hammer and screwdriver. he also is the one who is ALWAYS there, when he cries, when he's happy, when he's sad.

thor- he lets peter play with his hair, and even lets the boy snuggle, and sometimes even chew on, mjolnir (because of course peter would be worthy)

steve rogers- he lets peter look at and hold the shield. one day he finds the boy curled like a cat dosing on the inside of it

natasha- she speaks in russian to him, and when he goes outside to the park, shes there making sure no one disturbs him

wanda+sam (i had an idea for them when i originally thought of this, but i cant remember it now :/)

bucky- he lets peter also mess with his hair, although more rare than thor, but he does let peter suck on his metal fingers when hes really small, and will scratch peters scalp with it, the metal scratching much better than normal skin. also if he ever gets a fever, the cold of the arm feels amazing on his forehead

bruce- not strictly canon since hes more sciency than doctor, but i imagine bruce is the one who does checkups and takes care of the meds when peter is sick

stephen- he doesnt do it often, plus he's not at the tower much, but hell do little harmless "magic" tricks to excite Peter and when peter gets grumpy, stephen will give him a little stress spell thing to calm peter down

peter quill- i imagine hes the one who is down to do lots of fun stuff, but is also the most reckless towards the actions suited towards littles, getting a lot of scolding from tony. also, he has great taste in music, so when peter has bursts of energy, he'll bounce around the room dancing to old 80s music

rocket- hes the closest peters ever gonna get to a pet, and with lots of bribing from tony, rocket /occasionally/ lets peter pet him and feed him "treats", sometimes peter will ask rocket to do a trick like jump or spin, but rocket with always decline...at first. peters trademark pouts do the trick because either rocket will concede and hurt his pride, or tony will see and threaten rocket into making his little boy happy. its always worth it to see the happy little squirms and claps

gamora- she's the resident story teller. when its bedtime, she'll share her cool space stories, leaving out the gory/scarier aspects. it always does the trick as hes out in minutes. sometimes hell catch her and peter q engaging in loving activities (ie kissing, hugging, whatever), and he'll just giggle away, and as embarrassed as gamora gets, not being an openly affectionate person, she might just go to the extreme to hear the cute giggles out of the little boy

clint- hes pretty chill with peter. he also likes to play games with the boy, playing things like peek-a-boo when he's super small, or playing darts when he feels older. tony isnt /too/ happy about it, but its better than quill so he doesnt say anything.

pepper is there too because i love the idea of tony working away somewhere and pepper calling peter in, handing him a few sheets of paper, sometimes actual documents, sometimes just scratch paper to entertaim the boy, before asking peter to deliver them to tony. she always has a smile when peter eagerly nods with his whole body before running to the office to give tony the papers. it almost always ends with peter in his lap, but it /always/ ends in tony praising him, saying something along the lines of 'theres my little helper boy. look at you'

---

--on any particular day peter wakes up aged up, he doesn't even miss his old internship because this life is so much better, although on these days tony actually lets him help with some safer stuff in the lab with him

--also, they are still the avengers and still have to save the universe. tony leaves him in the care of Happy or Pepper, trusting them both to handle him. sometimes, it ends in disaster. sometimes, they are lucky enough to find happy laying on the couch, with a drooling little boy soaking his suit

--no matter how things end up, it never gets old being able to come home and cuddle up with the reason tony wants to save the universe.

--its no surprise peter is able to help the man just as much as tony helps him. tony stops locking himself up so late at night so he can put peter to bed and cuddle up. he stops drinking when he's stressed, instead finding his boy and reading a story to him. his hookups end, he wants to be there for peter all the time. he gets more work done, the added bonus of having a pretty little boy in his lap helping keep his mind on track.

--tony still has his canon issues, but having peter there makes everything a little more manageable. and when he eventually gets too old to be ironman, its okay, because his universe is lying in bed, a red pacifier in his mouth, and a family of superheroes softly arguing about who the boy loves most

--and despite tony being a narcissist, he knows this is not that, when he thinks that without a doubt he is peters favorite. after all, peter helped him see the good inside the bad

---

so uh yeah thats all i had to say. maybe in the future it will become an actual thing, idk. i still have so many projects im working on first. feel free to add whatever you want to it though !!

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whatifyoulivelikethat · 4 years ago

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to the anon that sent me an essay, this is for you

to everyone else, idk what this is

from anon:

here are a few things ive thought of to an obsessive level but these are completely non-bts related so u can choose to skip it. hell, you knew u that already.

1. before becoming parents or after emerging into adulthood everyone should be sent to therapy. sometimes i question if it is to fill the gaps their childhood has blown wide open that adults have children. or is it to fulfill some moral responsibility they have to simply reproduce. if its the first, to think about it, is kind of fucked up. you are depriving your child a stable future, creating replicas of exactly what you suffered, if u are not stable yourself.

You know, probably. People have kids for a number of reasons, not all if them good. I am a product of such a cycle, generations that used physical and emotional punishment on their own children to lash out their frustrations in life. The easiest one to bully is the offspring you made, because they don't know any better. They think that's how life is, because that's how life always was. I suffer for it, all the time. But, you know, therapy does nothing if you don't want it. You have to be willing to listen to be helped.

Most people are not willing to listen or change. That's the big problem.

2. its sad how the whole ' one in a million ' concept is staring at me. haruki murakami said mediocrity is constant. that thought haunts me everyday becuase of how many people are just a sea of faceless creatures as the world decides which one is the outlier. its the scariest thing i have ever felt, but it is inevitable. mediocrity should be normalized. there is an exorbitant amount of pressure in youth to produce and create and every other teenager is doing mun and every other adult is in the medical field, but at the cost of what? sure, you just saved the world, but did you save yourself?

Everyone is in outlier which makes nobody special. Society has slowly but surely created the idea that people need to be better than others, the idea that "better" must exist. To want more. And why is that?

Money.

Why is everyone pressured to make a product? To monetize their hobbies? To "do work you love"? Why is this the ideal? Because someone wants to profit from you. Someone is always greeding for more, more, so they make you feel this need as well, feeding off your futile attempts to be the "prefect you" but the perfect you doesn't exist. Why is it that every outlier put on a pedestal feels disillusioned / pressured or greedy / selfish? Because you've been tricked, feeling sad and deflated that you can't achieve something that isn't real.

3. middle class. im part of it. we're probably the most entitled section of society there is. it is so amusing to me how we have basically everything we need to survive but always want more. its weird how the poorer sections dont have time to think about their lives at the stake of capitalist countries, while we're here thinking about everything in our day that has harmed us, complaining about shit that isnt even required to survive. my mind is bursting because im literally fucking typing / this / because i have the privilege to and im STILL . doing . it .

Entitled? Everyone feels entitled. Not just middle class. You think rich people don't want more? Pfft. Everyone wants more, simply because that's what were trained to think. Everything around us is always asking you to want more, tying your worth to what you have instead of what you are. Your worth equating to material possessions has been taught to you all your life from the media, all for the sake of profit. The worst is when they turn your own morals and ethics on you to monetize that as well.

4. i hope i dont forget everything that has ever happened to me. not because i'd want to hold it over peoples head. but because i really dont want to grow ignorant. i dont want to have hollow opinions and i dont want to live a life where its easy to be just as. i dont want to be in a herd of sheep.

You will forget. Neurons die all the time. It's a known fact memories get disorganized, remade, and blended with fantasy. You are organic, an imperfect machine. Even your memories are imperfect, only focusing on specific things and not the whole picture because human brains focus on what's important and not what is. This is a survival tactic and it's what causes you to polarize one way or another. Even you, telling me this right now, you are declaring "I want things to only be this way".

But, you know.

"Polarization is the ugliest flower in the world."

Your past and memory is not the only thing that shapes opinions. Agreeing with others is not being a sheep. Are you a sheep because you agree killing an innocent as a police officer is not okay? Sometimes ignorance is okay. You don't have to know everything. Sometimes it's better not to.

5. im really jealous of bts sometimes. its fucking insane. theyre so successful but they have and continue to endure so much shit from the world. passion. passion is the word i want to chop up and throw into a blender and smother in a fire. they have it. and i dont. they are so hardworking. its something ill never be.

They don't have to do anything. They can quit at any time. They choose not to for many reasons. You choose how much you can take and how much is too much. You chose who you are. There are many hardworking, passionate people you don't know, because they don't want to be known. Passion, hard work, these things exist in many forms, and not all of it is so exposed like it is with BTS.

And let's face it, not all of those things can be good. They said so themselves.

6. i think we should really stop saying 'well if u were in their place what would u have done'. we cant do what we havent been given the chance to experience. we cant think about what we wouldve done because we have lived our lives NOT doing it. i am living my life only one which way and there is no other way i can know yet.

We say this to help others realize that prespective is importamt. It is not about actually living it, but having the empathy to understand and see from another person's eyes. No one is asking you to be Dr. Strange and live all 5 million possibilities. You can think someone's actions / words are wrong but, in that moment, they didn't think that, either because they grew up a certain way or because certain things happened to them. You don't have to live the experience to have some level of understanding, even if imperfect.

im sorry for this brain dump , i dont really have anyone else im willing to talk to and i completly understand if u skip this. hope ur fine tho and taking care. love ur works !

I'm an INTJ. My brain never turns off. It's a curse. But thank you for enjoying my writing! Hope you liked this too LOL

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creacherkeeper · 3 years ago

Note

sorry if this bothers you but you seemed like a good person to talk to about this. im like 97% sure im autistic and ive done a lot of research but my mom doesn’t believe me because i’m not like the boys she’s seen on youtube. and its just awful because i’m not eighteen yet and im a black girl and i know how parents are important in the diagnosis because of childhood behavior. i just feel like no one will believe me about a diagnosis.

hi nonny

first off, not a bother AT ALL, no worries. im always happy to talk through situations like this

secondly, im sorry for the situation youre in. its one that a lot of autistic people find themselves in, so youre not alone, but its a very difficult thing to go through, especially when youre a minor without access to many resources. so know that someone sees the struggle. when i was trying to get diagnosed my parents were the exact same way. they didnt believe me at all because their only concept of autism came from rainman

so, some advice:

until youre an adult, take this time to learn as much as you can about autism, the autistic community, your own neurodivergence and how it affects you, and whether or not you actually want a diagnosis. having that official word is important for many people, and it gives you access to accommodations at work and school. but there are a lot of drawbacks to a dx as well. in situations where you are forced to disclose, there is a lot of stigma, and people may treat you poorly because of it. depending on where you live, you may be disqualified for live saving medical treatment such as transplants. it makes it infinitely harder to adopt or win custody battles. etc etc. there are many reasons one would choose to get a dx or not, so learn more, talk to people, and take this time to make a decision. if you choose self-dx, know that there are many in the autistic community who chose the same and you are loved and welcome as one of us

if you do chose to get a professional dx, know that its going to be an uphill battle. it's expensive, for one, so if you're planning on attending college or live near a campus, try finding a university teaching psych center that charges on a sliding scale. they're also going to have young professionals who hopefully are more up to date and not so set in the old conception of autism. youre also going to have more of a difficult time getting a diagnosis as a black girl, because so much of the psych field was built on sexism and racism, as well as the inherent ableism of the field. youre doubly more likely to get misdiagnosed with a behavioral or mood disorder, so know that you are allowed to stick up for yourself and be clear about your needs in the process. many (especially older) professional's picture of autism is still 10 year old nonverbal white boys. before seeing someone, ask on the phone (or have someone ask for you) whether or not they have experience diagnosing adults, women, and people of color. that could really make a difference. but also keep in mind that if one person doesnt work out, you can always see someone else. i've been misdiagnosed with things several times, and i choose not to disclose that when seeing new medical or mental health professionals unless its relevant

all that said, you do NOT need your parents to get a diagnosis. mine were not involved in my process at all when i got dx'd at 19, because i knew they would do everything in their power to convince the doctor i wasn't autistic, even if it meant bending the truth or lying. i brought them to my results session, but that was it. they argued with the doctor but she had already made her diagnosis, so it didnt matter. the rest of it was just me and the diagnostician, and i answered all questions about childhood the best i could. its totally fine to write down a list of childhood behaviors or memories before you go in if you think youll forget or miss something. for me the biggest reason i got diagnosed was the hugely variant scores i got on my IQ test, which is a common thing with autism (my scores ranged from low 30s to 99.8th percentile, with not much being average or in the middle). so the diagnostician will not only be looking to childhood or family members. there are plenty of people seeking diagnosis who dont have access to willing family anyway

i think thats all my advice as of now. but i understand how scary the situation is, or how scary it seems while youre in it. if you have any more questions or just need to talk, feel free to message again or dm me. im more than happy to listen or try to help more

#long post #autism #actually autistic

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hermeysdentalequipment · 3 years ago

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Yall, I fucking hate our healthcare out here where I live.

I have a great general practitioner and she needed to refer me to a gyno. If I go outside the hospital system she's in, Ill play hell getting that referral to the doctor it needs to get to. So, I agree to stay in the system. I just met the woman for the first time today and geez.

The nurse reviewing my medical stuff didnt even see that I had just had an exam done 3 weeks prior and was prepared to do it again. Keep in mind, its all in the same computer system, no requesting or transferring records. I bring this up and shes like "Oh, I probably shouldve checked that first." Ya think??

Then, the gyno comes in and we discuss birth control options. I am currently on one method and I want to switch to another because of health risk reasons associated with my current med. She looked at me like I was crazy and gave me contradicting information about the risks of the med, going against my general practitioner, the one perscribing it to me. Thats fine and all, only if I didnt already do my own research and know my general practioner was right and the gynos information put me at more risk.

Then, shes trying to find another reason for me wanting to change and says to me "Well, most women want to switch because this med can cause weight gain and moodiness" Heres the bit yall: I weigh about 270 pounds and am about 5'7". I dont look little. How fucking rude! Not only that, but there are a HOST of other potential side effects and you choose to mention those to me?! Thanks, asshole.

Then, she tells me she needs to check me for STIs. I recently had an exam where, due to my lack of sexual activity, they chose not to test for them. I dont mind getting tested in the slightest, but I tried asking why they didnt do it and why it needed to be done today. I just wanted some answers since I know Im not an expert on these things. She tells me "Oh, yeah, I dont know why they didnt do it. We do them for everyone here. I totally believe what youve told me about your sexual activity, but Ive been duped before, so we like to make sure" That is the WORST way to word that answer. Thanks for accusing me of lying to you TO MY FACE. I understand the reasoning behind it, but the lack of consideration for the patients feelings was really unnecessary.

Thesres a few more rude red flags that she's not really listening to me, like not taking no for an answer when discussing birth control options until the fourth time and not paying attention to what I said my cycle was in relation to our next scheduled appointment, but the final big thing I didnt like was the physical exam. She wasnt very gentle and didnt seem to consider how uncomfortable I am, despite me making noise and clenching my muscles. And, right before it started, she brought in a lady I didnt recognize and didnt introduce her until after she had left and I was about to leave the office. She knows Im a new patient and shes about to show off my vagina to anyone in the room. It would be fucking nice to know whos taking a look.

What a goddamn mess, I fucking hate it here. I was treated like a woman, not a person. I know this is pretty common, but this is why Ive avoided the gyno for this long.

#gyno #gynocology #bad doctor visit #this was the only place Ive been treated like someone less than who I am #i was more a patient or number than a person #how inattentive #obgyn

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eccl3ctic0n3 · 3 years ago

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This Is My Personal Testimony of How God Found Me When I Was Lost.

I Am A Witness and My Testimony is of Jesus Christ the living Word of God

What you FEEL and what you THINK are valid and extremely powerful as these are the things you BELIEVE to be TRUTH thus this is your REALITY!

This is your belief system. Unless you suffer from mental illness therapy and counseling can be very helpful. Just talking about it and getting it off your chest is therapeutic in itself. No matter if it is a friend or a therapists getting things out instead of bottling them up and holding them in is great relief.

I was diagnosed bipolar type I when I was 23 years old. I am 41 now and it has only been in the last 5 years that I have been able to overcome, heal, grow, and experience breakthrough.

Traumatic experiences such as verbal, mental, emotional, physical, or sexual abuse to losing a loved one or friend has a lifelong affect. Therapy and medicine are just tools to help you and give you the skills, knowledge, and some understanding, so you can cope and learn how to manage with the pain and symptoms that remain.

I don't know who needs to hear this but I am telling you from 18 years of personal experience. Actually, 41 years as its only been 18 since I began treatment. Where doctors and medicine failed me for 13 years God did not fail me. I got lab ratted on all that time with powerful psychiatric medications. I spiraled out of control and my behavior landed me in the psychiatric ward of prison in the infirmary. 10 weeks I was locked in solitary confinement on 24 hour lock. I was deemed incompetent and unfit to stand trial. I was looking at two F1 Felonies with sentences from 5-99 years each. For 10 weeks I literally lost my mind and was experiencing full blown psychosis. It was in an instant that God found me and restored me to sanity. I did not find God. He found me.

I was lost and could not tell the difference between my dreams and reality. I slept in 15 minute intervals. In one dream I dreamt that I murdered my two children. I bashed my daughters head into the wall. My reality was this place I was in where no other person is visible was like a purgatory and I was awaiting my judgment to be thrown into hell.

I was on my knees in my boxers bleeding from my head and knuckles. I was head butting and punching the walls. As I was on my knees I was singing, ''My Girl, My Girl, Talkin Bout, My Girl." I was only thinking of my daughter and that I was never going to see her again.

The guy in a cell next to me screamed, " Shut the fuck up!" I just screamed back and told him to come on over and shut me up. What was he going to do we are in solitary confinement. 😅

I lost track of time and I was still singing and I began to cry out to God. Literally bawling and begging I screamed for God to help me. Don't you know the guy who cursed me came to my door and asked me to call his momma for him to bail him out. I laughed and said ain't you the same mother fucker who told me to shut up? Before he answered I just said whatever! Just write the number on a piece of paper and slide it under my door and I will get to it.

Mind you that for those 10 weeks I could not even read or use the telephone because I just didn't know how. The hands on the clock just spun round and round. Still on my knees sobbing I noticed the piece of paper slide under my door. I forgot all about it and I couldn't read or use a phone anyway. But I looked closer and I seen the red writing. This guy tore the last page of his bible out to write the number on. The red writing just caught my eyes and the first thing I seen was this. Revelations 22:16 I Jesus, have sent My angel to you to testify in the churches. I am the Root and Offspring of David, the Bright and Morning Star. As fast as you could snap your fingers I realized that I could read first of all. I then noticed I felt completely normal. I was just wondering wtf am I doing in my boxers bleeding on this floor? 😅 I got up took a shower and cleaned up. The guard came by and stopped giving me a strange look and asked if I was ok. I just said Im fine Im waiting on lunch its almost noon. I could read the time cause the hands stopped spinning.

Finally I got to use the phone and I called home and asked how long I was there. I said 2 weeks? My mom said you been there almost 3 months. I did 6 months and got both charges dropped down to a misdemeanor and 4 years probation. 2 years was deferred. I literally signed out of jail on a PR Bond. No fines, fees, or court costs at all.

That was 5 years ago in October. I never could forget or deny what happened. I knew immediately what the verse meant and what I was told to do. So I have done it this entire time everyday almost on social media.

I had never read a bible before and I was far away from God. I was really on the fence about the whole Jesus thing. What I know now and I knew at that moment was this. Jesus is God! He is the Father, the Son of God, and the Holy Spirit is the Spirit of God and of Christ. There is only one. Omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, and Sovereign Lord over all of creation.

I believe the words of the verse exactly for what they said. He sent an angel to me which is a ministering spirit and a messenger. I got the message loud and clear. So I do exactly as He has told me to.

It has been 5 years and I have not even had a cold. My doctor is weaning me off medications. It was by no means an easy 5 years at all. I suffered with overcoming addiction and the mental illness symptoms I was and still am learning to cope and manage.

There is one thing I learned in addition to all these things since then in talk therapy. I was raised by two narcissistic, one mentally ill, and completely abusive except sexually.

After all those years and all those medications and numerous doctors did not do for me what the Great Physician did in a moment of time.

Don't get me wrong. God has revealed to me that He has gifted these doctors, nurses, therapists, and the scientists or chemists that make these medications. Give or take these crooked sons of bitches.

Just know that God is Hope. Faith or Belief and any good thing at all about man is of God. He is Love. How is Jesus God? All things are possible with God. Just trust Him. Don't worry or be afraid. He has commanded us to be strong and courageous for He is with us wherever we go. He will never leave us or forsake us. He is faithful to keep His word. If He said it. He meant it. It is the Truth. Jesus said His words are Spirit and Truth. These words are Life and Jesus is the Way. The one and only true living God is the living Word of God. He was manifest in the flesh. The holy bible has been tampered with by man and today even more with hundreds of versions. However, man is foolish to think he could ever stop the Power of the Spirit and Truth that is the Word of God Jesus Christ.

Is the Father the Son or the Spirit? Is He 3 in one or one in 3? Don't split hairs with vain debates and argumentative subjects that no man can answer. There are simply things of God that man will never understand. Our finite minds cannot imagine, fathom, dream, or even comprehend the great things of God. He just said don't trip. I got this. Be still and know. Trust Me and Believe In Me. Have Faith! Never give up Hope. Without Hope this Life has no purpose and we have meaning at all. There is just certain death. Then we are worm food.

If it is all just a big story and we die only to find out that's it just black and nothing then fine with me. If we die and it is true and we chose not to simply believe and have the faith the size of a mustard seed. We'd be cursing ourselves not God from hell forever. We would know He was right and we have no defense or a word to say before the righteous Judge.

Life and death. Facts. Choose life or death. It is the most logical, reasonable, sane, and simple choice for anyone in their right mind. So anyone who says its blind faith and completely disregards facts, logic, or reason. You know just as God says. He has used the foolishness of this world for His wisdom. He makes those who are wise in their own eyes, puffed up with pride, and too stubborn or hard hearted to simply admit they do not know. Men fear what they do not know. Rightfully so. You should fear God. Both revere and be a very afraid of the One that can take your life and cast your soul into hell. He gives and takes away. Simple as that.

So remember no matter what the situation or circumstances shit is just temporary. All good things must come to an end. As do the bad. So suck it up, be strong and courageous. Has He not commanded us? He is with you wherever and nothing can separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus.

To anyone suffering right now I am by no means minimizing your pain. I feel you 1000% You don't have to believe a word from me. Just know there is someone who is always with you and you are not helpless or alone. You may be weak and in complete darkness that seems like hell. God is light in the darkness. He has the keys to death and hell. So weather life or death, heaven or hell. You gotta trust and believe in Jesus. If not it is your own doing. Most of our problems are self inflicted we bring em on ourselves.

This may be the hardest part for me to tell someone in depression just dwelling and can't let go. Do you know what depression is. It is YOUR THOUGHTS and YOUR FEELINGS. It is therefore YOUR BELIEF and thus YOUR REALITY!

This is self-centeredness. Depression for a while that is justified is one thing. Wallowing in SELF-PITY with the attitude WOE IS ME. MY LIFE SUCKS and nobody understands or knows what I I I am going through. No one could possibly relate to YOUR SUPERIOR PROBLEMS! GET OUT OF YOURSELF for a while. Have an attitude of gratitude. You are alive and if you can feel emotions and you woke up today then you KNOW that you are alive. LIFE is a gift from of GOD. He so loved all of us that He GAVE HIS LIFE so that anyone who BELIEVES in HIM Should Not Perish...SHOULD NOT! But HAVE RIGHT NOW AS IN THIS PRESENT MOMENT. EVERLASTING LIFE. God gave us HOPE of ETERNAL LIFE the FREE GIFT of SALVATION is the LORD OUR GOD JESUS CHRIST the ONLY BEGOTTEN of the EVERLASTING FATHER the King of Israel is the Holy One (Christ) or Anointed (Messiah) our SAVIOR and REDEEMER. Not by might nor by power but by that Holy Spirit of PROMISE which is the PLEDGE of our inheritance.

The only reason one would die when God gave us His Life so that anyone whomsoever at all Believes. The Way is the Truth and He has become our Salvation. He is the very HOPE, FAITH, and LOVE that abides forever. LOVE being the greatest. No one SHOULD die. It is a choice!!! Just like you choose to wake up and be grateful saying Thank You God. Bless you Lord Jesus for the Spirit translated "Breath or Air" of Life and the LIGHT we all see and we have heard the word of God preached and proclaimed to us all. So no one has an excuse to even say I Dont Believe! That is our free will and choice. Another gift from God. He wants you to choose Jesus and dont worry but be happy. Rejoice!! Make some noise!! God is good all the time. All the time God is good. We all have a reason for the very BREATH of LIFE that was blown into Adam's nostrils and he became a living soul. Adam just means man. Human. In His image and likeness. Male and female created He them. If you believe in Jesus and the Good News aka Gospel of the Kingdom and Eternal Life you have every reason on every Day the Lord has made to be grateful and choose to be happy. The Eternal One is the Alpha and Omega. The Ancient of Days is the First and the Last. The Almighty. Beginning and End. Genesis to Revelation. Death and Life He gives and takes away.

I pray you don't waste another moment having a pity party if you don't have an actual reason to be stuck feeling sad for an excessive period of time. It is selfish. Ungrateful.

Your THOUGHTS and FEELINGS are powerful. They are YOURS though. You and you alone have a God given free gift of grace to Think for yourself and Regulate or Control Your Feelings and Emotions. It takes time and it's a process of growing up and becoming a man or woman. He has not given us a spirit of fear, but of POWER, LOVE, AND A SOUND MIND. SELF DISCIPLINE your MIND. We have the MIND of Christ. The Spirit of God and of Christ. The Kingdom of heaven is within. God the Father, the Lord Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit is all within. What does it say? The Word is near to you, in your heart, even in your mouth.

It is Finished!

Revelation 22:16 21st Century King James Version (KJ21)

16 “I, Jesus, have sent Mine angel to testify unto you these things in the churches. I am the Root and the Offspring of David, and the Bright and Morning Star.”

Isaiah 44:6-8 21st Century King James Version (KJ21)

6 “Thus saith the Lord, the King of Israel, and his Redeemer, the Lord of hosts: I am the First, and I am the Last, and besides Me there is no God.

7 And who, as I, shall call and shall declare it, and set it in order for Me, since I appointed the ancient people? And the things that are coming and shall come, let them show unto them.

8 Fear ye not, neither be afraid. Have not I told thee from that time and have declared it? Ye are even My witnesses. Is there a God besides Me? Yea, there is no God. I know not any.”

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docholligay · 5 years ago

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Sleep, Sleep

I’m working on a real thing that is for a patron but it’s going slowly because *gestures vaguely* so please enjoy this shitty hurt/comfort I wrote to soothe myself. 1770 words, all of this universe is here for timeline or whatever

Fareeha Amari was not in the business of shirking responsibility. When she felt she had failed, she was the first to mark ways she could improve, and she was the first to notice the same in others. It was not so much that Pharah sought fault so much as she sought improvement, and the beginning to fixing a leaky roof was finding where the leak came from. But, on a handful of occasions in her life, she could simply admit that it had been a bad day.

Sitting in a Talon cell, half out of her mind with the pain of torture and the exhaustion of resisting it, she could admit that it had simply been, one of those days.

They had only been here two days entirely, Pharah thought. She had tried very hard to keep mark of the time. It was so easy to lose it, in these moments. Moira was helping her, she supposed. She kept a tight schedule, and if much of that schedule relied on when and how she chose to experiment on she and Tracer, well, at least she knew when tea time was.

A more straightforward sort of torture, Pharah might have been able to bear better. But it wasn’t torture, not for information. Other people might care about that--the monster that had once been Gabe certainly got in their face enough--but Moira did not. It was experimentation, and even if they told her every secret they knew, it would not stop. Moira herself pretended little different.

It would go on until they were rescued or died, and at least that gave them little reason to give any information at all.

She sat the edge of the small cot provided to them. Tracer lay at the top of it, trembling, her body jerking every so often against her will. Pharah looked away from her. She told herself it was out of respect for Tracer’s general dignity, but even half-mad she knew it was a lie. She simply could barely stand to look. She hadn’t looked down at the stump where her metal arm should rest, either. It hurt. She knew it must look terrible. No reason to make it worse with visual acknowledgement.

“F’reeha?” Tracer’s voice was soft and wobbling, ““‘M a bit poorly. I think.”

“You need to stop goading her,” Pharah shook her head, “Just lie still, and quiet. They will find us.”

“What, and let ‘er come after you? Fuck off, then.”

Tracer had the unique gift of being able to irritate a human being better than a mosquito at the ear, and she had employed this to great effect in Moira’s lab. She tortured them in tandem, which was a unique technique, if she meant to get anything from them, but perhaps it was that she knew the effect of seeing the other dissembled bit by bit was its own brand of horror.

Pharah had not gotten the worst of it, because Pharah was not medically interesting. Certainly, she had Winston’s unique set of sensors in her shoulder, where a fully functional arm had been installed, but she’d seen enough of that with McCree. Pharah was fine, but Tracer was the real toy, and it didn’t hurt that Tracer was very good at making someone want to hurt her. And Moira had. She had taken great pleasure in it.

Even Pharah herself, constantly surprised by her own emotions, had not understood what an effective method of torture it would be for her.

Pharah lay her hand on Tracer’s leg. She could feel the twitch running though it.

“Rest.”

Pharah was not the most verbose human on her best day, and this was certainly not her best day. She wanted to tell Tracer it would be all right, that they would come and Mercy would mend what Moira had damaged. But who could know if it was true? Pharah had many faults, she thought, but she was not a liar. She wanted to tease Tracer, to set her at ease, but the words would not come. Pharah was more steel than anything else, in difficult times, and so her words were firm, and decisive, and formal, whatever she tried. It was a comfort, like a child’s blanket.

A shock ran through Tracer, and she gasped, her back arcing against the cot. Pharah moved to her, and closed her eyes with the sharp, bright pain that moved through her body as she did so. She took a few deep breaths, did her best to ignore it, and rubbed Tracer’s shoulder until her body let her relax again, what could have been ten seconds but felt like hours.

Tracer opened her eyes just a little, and looked up at Pharah.

“We may want to consider the outside possibility I won’t be making it to the debriefing.”

“You cannot. That would leave me sole leader of Overwatch. Do you want that on your conscience?”

Tracer cracked a weak smile. “Not me first choice, no, but” she swallowed, “But this isn’t what I expected to ‘appen, love. Didn’t know it would do this, it’s nothing like when I...anyhow, if I do...If I do..”

“Stop,” Pharah looked away from her and sighed, “I am not your errand boy. We are in pain, and we are tired.” She gave a chuckle, “And longing for the days when torture meant being beaten.”

“God yes, “ Tracer closed her eyes, “love to be cracked across the jaw just now.”

Pharah nodded, her hand still on Tracer’s shoulder. “When we escape, when they come for us, because, you see, I am an optimist. Not like you, who thinks Winston would leave you to die here.”

“Don’t bloody bring ‘im int--” Tracer shuddered and tamped down a squeal of pain into a small squeak. “Oh Fareeha, I’m…”

“A pessimist, yes.” she moved up her hand, gently rubbing the hair at the back of Tracer’s head, “I can see that. But when we escape, when we are saved, and you heal, because, remember, you have so many times before.”

“Right,” Tracer gave a little nod and swallowed, “born under a lucky star.”

“When you heal, I will take you to your horrible little pub, and play darts, and attempt to understand anyone in that godforsaken place.”

Tracer gave a laugh, weak and small, but genuine, and Pharah grinned.

“And I will fail. You know that, of course, and you will have to order for me. Again.”

Tracer’s eyelids fluttered open, her vision hazy but more for Pharah’s benefit than anything. “It’s not as Isla can’t understand you, you know, it’s just the other way round.”

Pharah shook her head. “I know you have some sort of magic word, for when all I want on this earth is a light beer.”

“Right, and it’s ‘go somewhere else.’”

Pharah ruffled her hair. “It’s sometimes easy for me to understand what Moira sees in you.”

Tracer giggled. “Me own personal brand of charm, innit? Going to be a right shame when I can’t share mese--”

She gasped, and let out a cry as her body twisted into one terrible contraction.

“Lena!” Pharah went to move the arm that wasn’t there, and a wave of nausea and pain went through her, but she pushed it to the side, using her good arm to scoop Tracer onto her lap. Tears ran down Tracer’s face as she struggled to breathe against the spasm, Pharah unable to do anything but watch, and hope that her touch offered some comfort.

Watching her lit a fire in Fareeha Amari, a deep coal seam of hot anger than would not dissipate until her child was nearly grown. She would nurse it and feed it, and never apologize for it, and it would take her years to remember that it had been lit in this exact moment. She never had a friend quite like Tracer, and she never would, because who could be said to be like her at all? And Moira had tortured her like a cat playing with a mouse, and Pharah would remember this, always.

It released Tracer, and she lay panting on Pharah’s lap. A few moments passed, just the two of them nestled together, in a cold and dark cell, the dire nature of their situation hanging over them like a shadow.

Tracer could not go on like this for too much longer, Pharah knew. Whatever Moira had done to her had hurt her badly, and she needed help. Pharah knew, in the same way, that Tracer would fight and snipe at Moira to her last breath, even if it accelerated its coming. Tracer could stop fighting like the sun could stop rising in the morning. She was a terrier to the bone.

But she believed herself, that the team would be looking for them. D.Va was a natural leader when called upon, Winston would hardly stop looking for Tracer, McCree was constantly looking to be made useful, and even the newer team members had nothing but fondness for Tracer, and maybe even Pharah herself.

Mercy, of course, would never leave Pharah behind. She knew that like she knew the moon still sat outside that cell, watching.

“Fareeha…”

“Rest now.” She arranged herself carefully, and pulled Tracer up to her shoulder, leaning against the wall, and wrapped her arm around her. “You want to be fresh to spit in Moira’s face.”

“Love you, Fareeha”

“Shut up.”

She held Tracer close and began to hum and then sing, some Arabic lullaby drawn far from her childhood, though she couldn’t even remember where or when. Who would have sung to her? Maybe she was something better than the sum of her childhood experiences, or maybe there was a tenderness inside her she did not know, or maybe she had grown into something that could give a softer and sweeter fruit, but in any case, she chose to think of it little in the moment. There would be time later, to wonder where it came from.

Tracer could not have possibly understood the song, but it sank deep into her, and Pharah felt her sink against her shoulder as she slept, the words carrying her along and comforting her.

Later, Pharah would not know how long she sang, or when she fell asleep herself, or even exactly when help came. This part of her life, these next few days, would be a blur, scattered with only moments of clarity. This would be true for all of her very long life. But she would remember the song, and she would remember the flickering lights and long shadows, and she would remember that she had been, a good friend.

#I'm still working on the sother one #I just...need a break to step outside #and breathe

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tfw-no-tennis · 4 years ago

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mtmte liveblog issue 19

it’s 2021 now!! time for more transformers

we start off w/a flashback showing tyrest retrieving ultra magnus’s body from the ship - and we get a look at magnus’s spark, which is the green color of a 0.1%er [eyes emoji]

tyrest punching magnus..... grrrrr leave my dad alone bastard man

‘the divided self’ what a good title

rodimus is like listen man this is a lot for my poor thot brain to take in

in flashback land, we see tyrest immediately launch into a crazy person spiel about how he can and will edit the law as he sees fit to conform to the situation, because that doesn't seem like a blatant abuse of power or a huge conflict of interest or anything

oooh the screen in the corner that says ‘thought warfare,�� I see that

oof, poor magnus. its gotta be rough to hear your boss rant about how bad at your job you are....especially bc this is right after overlord called magnus a joke and nearly killed him

its especially brutal bc as magnus says, his job is his life

augh, I love the panel where the armor is falling off around minimus, and then the one where he’s holding the ultra magnus head...poetic

its fascinating that there was an ‘original’ magnus who was an actual guy, and then tyrest chose to make him into this legacy symbol - I'm assuming the OG magnus had no say in this, and probably didn't even know that he was gonna become this lawman legacy figure

I do wanna know though - obviously everyone thought that ultra magnus was one dude, but how did the different guys wearing the armor deal w/that? like, did minimus have people coming up to him like ‘hey ultra magnus old buddy! remember when we fought those guys in that one place? good times!’ like, do they have to study up on the lives of the past armor wearers to prepare for the role of ultra magnus?

augh poor minimus, of course he’s been wondering about what happened with overlord after he was KO’d

oof, drift...I feel like minimus looks surprised and a little skeptical at the idea that drift was the one behind the entire overlord thing - which is interesting bc as we saw at the beginning of the story, he doesn't exactly trust drift, but it’s still pretty far-fetched that one person orchestrated the entire thing

tailgate :(

the concept of a load-bearer is SUPER cool, I love it so much

it also puts a much-needed limit on things - as in, there IS a limit to how much weight/mass a normal cybertronian frame can carry, which is why you don't see everybody upgrading to be Massive - bc they actually CANT

oof, the worst part is that tyrest is RIGHT, minimus essentially DID have a nervous breakdown after the war ended bc of the rigid way he views the world

mental health support is clearly in shambles for cybertronians, yikes. they literally have 1 therapist for their entire race, and he’s not even licensed anymore due to hipaa violations. what a mess

the ‘attention deflectors’ thing is so cool and clever and also a great explanation as to why ratchet or anyone else never said ‘hey wait a minute, you're actually a much smaller dude in a trench coat’

I love tailgate knowing all the stuff about the autobot code bc of magnus...my BOY

and THATS why minimus was asking about skids specifically earlier!

oh minimus, please don't put so much stock in tyrest being stable and resonable...

aaaand there's skids and swerve! brainstorm says it best - ‘because something unexpected hasn't happened for at least nine seconds.’ lmao ily brainstorm

finally checking in w/whirl and cyclonus - god I love that. whirl asking cyclonus how many cons he killed and cyc is like psh I wasn't keeping count....................ok it was six

hhhhh cyclonus IS looking for a cure for tailgate, even though he told tg that there wasn’t anything to hope for....excuse me as I go be emo

and now we flash over to the unethical medical conduct hell zone, where pharma is being weird and horny and ratchet is appropriately horrified

I seriously love how unhinged pharma looks, the art & colors do such a good job conveying his feral energy

ratchet has some massive dick energy for taunting pharma when he’s currently just a head and pharma has dual chainsaws for hands

ugh, I love whirls speech about anger...and I feel like he really does see cyclonus as a peer, despite cyclonus wanting to kill him, which is why he tells cyclonus all of this

I fuckgin love that cyclonus’s reaction to very suddenly getting stabbed thru the abdomen is to just glance down at the sword, looking mildly inconvenienced

back over to ratchet - and at first its like oh wow I can’t believe pharma was stupid enough to let ratchet goad him into this contest....but then you see first aid and ambulon and its like UH OH this is gonna be BAD

the idea that getting sliced in half is no big deal for a cybertronian is wild

‘you're gonna let doctor djd cut us in half?’ yeahhhh that's an appropriate reaction, yikes

FUCKING LENGTHWAYS GOD

pharma you piece of shit

poor ambulon :( :( :( that's fucking brutal. amazing panel but....jesus

and like, to further my point from last issue’s liveblog - the fact that this very gore-y panel is okay, but swearing isn't...that's really funny honestly. I guess robo-gore is acceptable, while I'm guessing regular ole run of the mill human gore wouldn't be

then back to cyclonus, who is still looking only vaguely put out by the sword stuck right thru him

and then cyclonus just pulls it right out, which is a very bad idea for humans but probably not as big of a deal for big near-immortal alien robots

circle of light stuck in capitalistic urban hellscape cubicals

poor skids, being asked to stand trial while having no idea what his crime is due to Big Amnesia

OH SHITTTT I totally forgot that getaway shows up here

that is super clever though, with chromedome confusing the name ‘getaway’ with the concept ‘needing to escape’

cant believe tyrest is really dumb enough to tell minimus all his evil plans

BUT that means its time for some very important forged vs constructed cold lore

jro spelling ‘program’ as ‘programme’ made me remember when he said that he considers everyone on the lost light to be british, which is perhaps the least valid thing he’s ever said vhbghjsdbfjkhasbjk

the idea that they used the matrix - which is portrayed as kind of a holy object - in reproductive experiments is really interesting

AUGHHHHH this is all so good and interesting...im really fascinated w/this particular brand of like, alien robot racism/constructism/whatever you wanna call it - I feel like it does such a good job as a plot device, where many other ‘fantasy racism’ concepts from other franchises fail, bc there's not really a ‘human metaphor’ being used here (as far as I know/can tell) - as in, this isn't a thinly veiled metaphor for something that happened/could happen in human history

in fact, this type of bigotry (or w/e you wanna call it) isn't something that is even really possible in humans - I guess if there was a stigma against being born via ivf or something...? but there isn't, so there's no obvious real-world equivalent, which I take as a sign of good writing and worldbuilding - it makes the cybertronians feel more Real, bc of course they would have their own types of bigotry based off of completely different things than humans

additionally - and this is crucial - tyrest is wrong: there’s no like, inherent moral corruption in cold constructed bots. there's no difference at all, other than method of construction. fantasy racism plotlines often flounder here, with the oppressors having a ‘valid reason’ for oppressing the oppressed, but tyrest is just operated on religious zealot bs and some biased science

like, dude, did you ever think that maybe there are other reasons why your trials only condemned cold constructed bots? like, maybe the trial itself was biased? or societal conditions were to blame? correlation is not causation, my dude, especially when the conclusion is ‘cold constructed bots are inherently SINNERS’ lmao

like, tyrest rlly said ‘FUCK separation of church and state,’ huh

anyways I just think the whole cold construction vs forged thing is really interesting and well-done, and serves as a good precursor to the more fleshed-out functionism stuff we see later

so tyrest is clearly off his rockers w/the whole drilling thing - dude, you accidentally gave yourself a lobotomy, okay - but I find it kinda funny that he’s right about a lot of that stuff he said at the end, about primus and the guiding hand and stuff being real

cyclonus saying ‘tailgate and the others’...I see you, man, I see you

also cyclonus looks fine now??? didn't he just get stabbed???

ah, tyrest sprinkling a little light genocide onto his plan to find salvation. nice, dude!

MINIMUS NOOOOOOOOO

‘fully deserved’ SHUT UP BIIIIITCH

poor minimus is taking a lot of Ls this arc, geez

oof, great issue! again, as usual....I loved the lore we got this issue, its so interesting...and some good character stuff too. I love minimus, I feel like he’s gonna be my fav this readthru; my first read my fav was brainstorm, second readthru was whirl, and I feel like its minimus/magnus this time. I just love his character arc...

hype af for more B)

#lj rereads mtmte

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fiftyshadesgrl · 5 years ago

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Wrecked

I sit shivering from fear and cold, my clothes dripping from the freezing rain outside. I have heard about negan and the saviors but had never ran into them. I had been alone since my boyfriend abandoned me, how long was it, six months, a year. I had no idea all i knew is it was spring when we were cornered in that gas station by walkers and now it was winter.

Jake, my boyfriend at the time said the gas station looked safe, but nothing ever is safe these days. I followed him to get supplies and luckily this place hadnt been raided yet. We split up, i go for canned foods, water and medical supplies, jake goes for ammo and weapons.

I heard the walker outside, i ducked and waited until i thought it was clear. Turns out more made their way to us. Jake turned the corner just as i was closing my bag, he signaled for walkers outside. I nodded and crawled across the floor away from the walkers sights. I stood next to jake, "we cant go out the front way." Jake nodded and signaled towards a exit in the back,, i nodded and followed him.

Jake turns a corner, the big exit sign in sight. Jake turns the knob and i cringe as it squeaks loudly. He opens the door just a crack to make sure its clear then opens it all the way. Everything seemed to blur then. A walker grabbed jakes arm, the walkers arm detached as jake slammed the door back shut.

I heard glass breaking and bodies hitting the floor. I looked around and seen the managers office and rushed towards it, twisting the knob and thank god it was unlocked. "Jake! Over here!"

He lets go of the door and runs to where i am. I see the walkers coming in from where jake just stood. I slammed the door and slid the lock in place. The walkers started pushing and banging on the door, jake used all of his weight and pushed against the door.

"(Y/n) help me hold the door." I pushed all my weight against the door, didnt seem like it did much good from the way the hinges were creaking with every push. We looked desperately for a way out, not seeing anything in my sight that would help us i followed jakes gaze to the heat duct above the desk. "Think we could reach it?" I say as the door shook violently.

He looks me deeep in the eyes, "i can for sure."

I nodded, "okay you go first while i hold the door then you pull me up."

He shook his head, "theyll get in before i could reach you."

"What do we do then? We cant just stay in this room." I say trying to hold back the tears.

He leans towards me and kisses me, "i love you." He whispers agaainst my lips.

"I love you too." I say knowing this would be our last kiss. Suddenly jake lurches forward jumping up on the desk and pulling the cover to the duct off. "What are you doing?" I yell as the door gives way more.

He shrugs, "survival of the fittest. Ill miss ya." He climbs into the duct, leaving me behind.

"You son of a bitch!" I scream. I check to see how many bullets i have left in my handgun, just one. If those damn things wanted a meal they aint getting me alive. I look over at the file cabinet and decide to fight for my life.

I made a quick lunge for the file cabinet and push it, i seen the door giving way but i had to do something. I push and it tilts, i push with all my sttength and huff out a breath as it falls over just as the doors hinges give. I jumped up on the desk and jump towards the opening of the duct, almost damn it. The door begins to break more, a walker is halfway through. The pack on my back is making it hard to jump so i open it, grab a water bottle, a first aid kit and a can of spam.

The walker is crawling through as i make one last attempt to jump. I jump and get a grip inside the vent. I pull with all my strength, i have my upper body laying inside the vent as the walker grabs my boot. I kick franticly but its grip is relentless. I grab my handgun from my belt and shoot the walker in the head. Throwing the gun down as i pull myself the rest of the way into the vent.

I lay there for a minute trying to catch my breath. I can hear the walkers below scratching and clawing trying to get to the vent, thankfully i know they cant. After that day i have been on my own, i never found jake even if i did id probably kill him for leaving me.

I sit now in a room that reminds me of a interrigation room at a police station, but at least it was dry and warm. The man who now sat in front of me his name was simon, his 60's porno mustache stood out to me and thats how i remembered his name. "So little lady, where are you from?"

I look up confused, this wasnt the question i had been expecting. He shook his head, "what i mean is what group are you from."

I shake my head, "im not with any group."

He leaned forward in his chair and intertwined his fingers. "Dont lie to me, its better if you just tell me before the main man gets here."

"Im not lying. Ive been on my own for months." I say shivering, i hear a door open and a tall dark haired man wearing a leather jacket walked in. He swung a barbwired covered bat around as he whistled some kind of tune.

He took in my appearance and nudged simon with his elbow, "simon, be a gentleman and get the lady a blanket." Simon didnt hesitate, he stood and left the room when he came back in he handed the man the blanket and exited the room. He walked over towards me and wrapped the blanket around my shoulders, i clutched it and shrunk into it getting all the warmth i could.

He walked back around the table and sat down, "whats your name doll?" He asked, i couldnt help the way his voice warmed me on the inside.

"(Y/n)" my teeth had stopped chattering and my toes and fingers strated to get the feeling back in them.

He smiled and nodded, "im negan." I felt the fear creep back up my spine at the mention of the name i had heard so much of. He chuckled, "i take it youve heard of me."

I nodded, theres no reason to lie because what have i got to lose. "Yeah quite a bit actually."

He ran his tongue over his teeth as he leaned back in his chair. "Whats a pretty little thing like you doing all alone out in this cold?"

"I have nowhere to go." I say matter of factly.

Negan furrows his brow, "of course you do. If youve heard of me then youve heard of the sanctuary, you couldve always come here. How long have you been on your own?"

I shrug, "i dont really know 6 months to a year. I dont even know what month it is."

"Its december." He says handing me a bottle of water, i down it in a matter of seconds. "How long since you have ate?"

I place the bottle down on the table gently, "three days ago." He nods then goes to the door, he ls talking to someone. He shuts the door a moment later then sits back down in the chair across from me.

"What group were you with? Whyd you leave?" He crosses his leg to where his ankle is resting on his knee.

"I wasnt with a group. It was just me and my boyfriend for a while. Then we got cornered one day and he chose to save his own ass and left me behind. I got out though thankfully. Ive been on my own ever since." Theres a knock on the door and negan goes to answer it, he comes back holding a tray of food. My stomach rumbled at the smell of whatever it was, he placed it in front of me. There was various vegetables, soup, and bread. I dug in immediately and negan just sat and watched.

He waited til i was done to ask anything else. "Howd you survive all this time?"

I leaned back, having a full stomach and being warm made my eyelids heavy. "I kept low, stole when i absolutely had to and stayed away from walkers."

He laughed, "thats a real fuckin woman there. Well let me be the first to welcome you to the sanctuary. You can stay as long as you like. Come with me cause i know youre in desperate need of a fuckin shower."

"No shit." I chuckle under my breath, he laughs again as he leads me upstairs to a magnificent bedroom.

"Everything youll need is in the bathroom there. Ill have you some clean clothes on the counter before you finish." Why was everyone so scared of negan? He was portrayed as a monster, a blood thirsty psyco who would kill someone if they looked at him the wrong way. This wasnt the negan that was standing before me. I feel like i can trust him. Will it come back to bite me in the ass? Only time will tell.

To be continued.......

@an-unhealthy-obsession @holylulusworld @vicmc624 @jesseswartzwelder @tftumblin @justanotherwinchester

#jeffreydeanmorgan #jeffrey dean morgan smut #negansmut #negan #negan fic

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prettywordsyouleft · 6 years ago

Text

Worth Fighting For // AIRFORCE7

Summary: From the first moment he met you, Jaebum knew you were exactly what he and the air force needed.

Pairing: Im Jaebum x reader

Genre: pilot au / 1940s era / romance / minor mature content

Warnings: Due to the era it’s set in, this will contain minor war conflict in some of the stories. I will not be making the war-zone my main focus in this series however.

A/N: Thank you every for being patient for me to get this next part in the series up! As it states above, I’ve not labelled this as M (mature) but it’s a little spicy in one part! I’ve edited this but if there’s any mistakes, I’m sorry! I’ll re-edit in the next couple of days when I have more time.

Word count: 5701

He saw you walking across the tarmac as soon as he landed and grinned, Jaebum navigating the P51 to its designated spot outside a plane hangar. You waited for the aircraft to stop completely before you approached it, a smile residing on your face when Jaebum jumped down to greet you. “How was the sunrise?”

“I wasn’t out that early,” he admitted, grinning back at you. “But the skies are clear, Captain.”

“Oh good,” you remarked, resting against the lower part of the fuselage and foldings your arms across your chest. “What are your thoughts for today?”

“Well, we’ll have training in the afternoon with the cadets and this morning will probably be working in the plane hangar like usual.”

“What about tonight?”

Jaebum smiled, moving closer to you. “Why don’t we start that right now, as I said, the skies are clear.”

“I want to see the sunset instead,” you decided airily, pushing through him lightly. He grabbed your arm and pinned you against the wing. You smirked. “Lieutenant, are you going against my orders?”

He sized up your lips and nodded softly. “I’m willing to pay the consequences.”

You were always worth the risk to him.

“Shouldn’t you be part of the nurses checking us over, sweetheart?” one soldier crooned as Jaebum stood in line for his eye exam, his attention pulled to the neighbouring line where you stood ahead of the men. “Why, I sure would like to get physical with you.”

A chorus of sniggers followed the remark and Jaebum tilted his head as he watched you clench your hands up but didn’t respond, your focus resolute on the front of the booth.

The men behind you were getting further worked up, making vulgar gestures about your body and giggling like a bunch of horny school boys. Jaebum found it hard to stand where he was, the disrespect of their behaviour making his blood boil. But he had promised his mama that upon joining the air force he would stop using his fists for no reason.

This is a pretty good damn reason though, he thought as one of the soldiers edged closer to you, ready to grope your ass. What irked Jaebum further was seeing officials watch on without pulling the cadets up for their behaviour. And so, when the soldier finally decided to reach for you, Jaebum stepped out of his line, ready to throw the first punch.

You moved faster though. Before Jaebum could even raise his hand, you had the fellow soldier in a hold, twisting his arm behind his back until he was crying out loudly.

“Now love, there’s no need to be like this, let the man go,” one of his friends implored and Jaebum scoffed, shaking his head at him.

You glanced at Jaebum’s stance and then threw the man towards his group of lackeys. “I’m not your love; I’m a fellow cadet, just like you.”

“The air force isn’t a place for women!”

“I think there’s plenty good space for such a cadet,” Jaebum spoke up, darting his focus from you to the man who just spoke. “We’re all here for the same reason.”

“Women are meant to be there for us when we get back from fighting, not beside us. She’ll be a distraction to everyone with that body.”

Jaebum let his hand fly at a face this time around and soon there was chaos, soldiers who were merely watching on implicated by being in close proximity. Only then did the officials step in, breaking up the fight effectively.

You had merely stood there watching on, your gaze lowering when the Staff Sergeant looked in your direction. “Who let a woman into the force? It’s always like this when they think women can be equals.”

“She didn’t do a thing wrong,” Jaebum argued, pointing to the cadet who now sported a swollen eye. “He was going to touch her and you were going to let him.”

“Now son, I’ll have none of that,” the official replied hastily when your gaze snapped on his. “There was no need for things to get physical. Let’s all just line up and continue with what needs to be done, shall we? Miss L/N, would you-”

“Cadet L/N,” you corrected firmly and the Sergeant looked at his buddy for support. The other man merely shrugged.

“Cadet L/N, would you prefer to have your medical done after the men?”

“Why should I have to wait?”

He sighed exasperatedly. “Now you know very well why. I think it’s best to let the men go first.”

You chose not to argue, letting your head fall for only a second before you collected yourself up and marched right past the men who had aggravated everything without so much as batting an eyelid.

As soon as you were gone, their bravado returned. “Who let a bitch up in here?”

“Now we gotta deal with hormones when she’s having a bad day.”

Jaebum hissed and the cadets looked over at him, cowering slightly and huddling closer to continue their conversation.

“Don’t worry lads, ladies never last long around here.”

Jaebum smirked at them. “I’ve got a feeling she might outlast half of you.”

“You got a thing for her, lover boy?” one asked and Jaebum merely smiled. “Brought your girl into the force so you could show her what a tough man you are?”

“I think she was the one showing your arm before, wasn’t she?” Jaebum reminded and shrugged. “And I’m not here to show anything. I just hate when someone mouths off and can’t back up their words like you did.”

“Watch out, boy. Troublemakers leave early too, you know.”

Shrugging again, Jaebum turned back to his line, thankful when he could step forward for his eye exam. As he read from the board, he thought over the promise he made his mama just recently.

He’ll have to avoid you if he wanted to keep to it.

Yet, Jaebum found you later that evening sitting alone in the cafeteria, and he bee-lined for your table, placing down his tray before catching your gaze. “Mind if I sit here?”

“Are you trying the protection route? Unlike those boys, your plan is to protect me and make me swoon over your strong arms?” you asked dryly, tilting your head to the side. “I’m not here for anyone’s pleasure.”

“Why would you need protection when you were capable of twisting that cadet’s arm so quickly and making him squeal for mercy?” Jaebum shook his head as he sat down. “I’m not trying anything with you. I just have a bit of a temper, you see. And when I saw that they were going to be further indecent with you, I couldn’t help but step in.”

“Well, I appreciate it, this time. But don’t make it a habit. I don’t need anyone talking about me any further than they are.”

“What about for your skills?” You stared at Jaebum dubiously and he ate some of his food before continuing. “Aren’t you here because you’re a good pilot? I don’t mean to sound like everyone else around here, but they ain’t exactly letting a lot of women join the air force these days. Women who want to help are generally put in the factories, not in the field.”

A wry smile crossed your lips. “I suppose you’re expecting something then?”

“I’m hoping you’re going to wipe the smug smiles off those assholes who belittled you, in the very least.”

“What’s your name, soldier?” you asked, leaning back into your chair.

“Im Jaebum. And you?”

“Y/N,” you answered with a smile before scraping back your chair and standing up, collecting your now empty tray. You continued to smile down at him. “I’ve got a feeling you’re also going to be one to watch out for.”

Jaebum was all smiles on the morning of the first flight training. Orientation around the aircrafts had been explained the week prior, and now it was time to actually show what you all were capable of. Jaebum was excited for the chance to get up in a plane, of course, knowing this squadron was made up of trained pilots already. When his father left him and his mother behind, it was on Jaebum to keep the family business running. He was able to fly the small crop-dusting plane they owned with ease. In fact, it was one of the few things Jaebum was good at. Up in the skies, he felt free from social constraints. He could fly and be who he wanted to be. On the ground, he had been known for his fists doing too much talking after the rumours of his mother got about town. Moving away had been the best thing both of them could do and joining the air force was his new start in life.

Yet he anticipated your performance as well. You looked at ease on the tarmac, though as the Captain continued to explain the expectations of the morning, it was all too apparent that even he was ready to make a mockery of having a woman on his team.

“Well, who wants to go first?” he asked, ignoring the raised hands and smiling sweetly at you. “Ladies first, where are my manners?”

You smiled forcibly and ignored the sniggers from the cadets, stepping towards the aircraft you were all expected to get off the ground before the markers on the runway. You look ahead and then turned to the Captain. “Should I start now?”

“Of course, sweetheart. Do you need a hand up?”

Jaebum watched as you climbed effortlessly into the cockpit, taking the safety gear from the ground assistant before closing the lid to your aircraft. Checks were made to ensure you were safe to take off and all the men moved forward onto the verge of the runway, watching on avidly.

“Bet princess will just blow through those markers down the end.”

“Girls can’t handle big machines like that.”

“Give her a chance,” the Captain called out and Jaebum looked at him, wondering why he had a sudden change of heart. The older man then smirked. “When she realises it’s big and scary, she’ll go back to where she came from.”

Jaebum clenched his hands into fists but focused on you preparing for take off. Once given the signal, you didn’t hesitate, pushing the throttle and making your way down the runway. The laughter stopped as you reached a top speed quickly. And everyone lurched forward when you got the plane up into the air well before the line.

Jaebum clapped and soon others were gasping about how fast that was. When you landed safely again, the Captain was stunned.

“Is it a fluke, sir?” one cadet asked and the older man blinked a few times, holding his hand up to stop you from getting out.

“Do it again,” he instructed and your elated smile was wiped from your face. You nodded once and then repeated the same exercise, this time getting a better takeoff.

“Sir, that is no fluke,” the Lieutenant beside him admired, his mouth still ajar when he stopped talking. “We might have just found our ace.”

Despite all efforts by the other cadets, you were unbeatable up in the clouds. You were also knowledgeable about planes and you were excellent in ground combat training. Had you been a man, you would have been the most liked cadet on the air base.

Being a woman didn’t have the same effect and your vast skills didn’t make you appreciated by others any better.

“Again?” Jaebum asked as he found you cleaning the office in the afternoon, and you glanced away from your scrubbing of the windows before groaning loudly and throwing down the cloth.

“If I wanted to clean, I’d work in a Laundromat!”

“Why were you sentenced to it this time?” he wondered, placing down the files Sergeant Kim asked him to bring here.

You smiled to yourself as you picked up the cloth again. “I corrected Cap.”

“Oh, and you know how much he loves it when you show your superiority,” Jaebum teased and you shot him a grin. After leaning against the desk to watch you, he held out his hand. “Want some help?”

“Why are you always looking out for me?”

“You wanted me to be protective, right?” he mused, thinking back all those months ago when you had first scolded him for getting involved. Now, it was a rare day for Jaebum to go without being paired up with you for something. After all, if you were the ace of the team, he was the one keeping you on your game, just barely behind your tail in all areas of training too. “Isn’t it true most people say something and mean the opposite? So I’m certain you really wanted my company.”

You chuckled. “If it’s what helps you sleep at night, Jae, think as you please.”

“Oh, you even wonder about how I sleep!” he continued, revelling in the light blush that crossed your cheeks. Jaebum felt his heart thump harder with the reaction, knowing there was an underlying tension building between you both. Although you were rivals in the skies, down on the ground, he hoped you could amount to something more most days.

“If you’re helping, don’t just stand there.”

“Yes ma’am,” he saluted you before grabbing a cloth and joining your side. He smirked. “Oh, I finally realised something I’m better at than you.”

“Cleaning?” you asked incredulously, and he couldn’t help but grin at how your arm started to move more vigorously. Anything was worth a challenge to you.

He shook his head, pushing his arm up higher than yours. “I’m taller. You can’t beat me in that, no matter how much you try.”

“Is that so?”

“Well, you can’t grow taller all of a sudden,” he reminded and you nodded softly, soon scrambling up onto the windowsill to clean higher than he was. Jaebum laughed heartily, shaking his head at you. “That’s cheating.”

“I’m still higher than you are right now.”

“That’s a fair point, but you’re also on a ledge that isn’t made to hold a person.”

“I’m not heavy!” you exclaimed and Jaebum chuckled.

“I wasn’t meaning that, it’s just-”

Before he could point out how precarious your placement on the ledge was, you shifted, your foot slipping on the water residue and you toppled. Jaebum lurched forward to catch you, whining when your knee smacked him in the side as you fell on top of him and you both fell to the ground. Stunned, you stared at each other for a moment before you went to scramble away. Jaebum held you there, breathing a little heavily.

“Your heart is beating just as fast as mine, Y/N.”

“I got a fright,” you mumbled, your hands pushing on his chest. He knew you could break out if you truly wanted to but you weren’t using your force as normal. Soon, you stopped pushing altogether, your gaze getting lost in his.

“Are you still frightened?” he asked softly and you sighed, nodding slowly. And then something snapped in you, finally escaping out of his grip and righting yourself immediately.

“You know there’s no way anything can happen between us.”

“Right,” he replied simply and you focused intently on washing the window again. Jaebum smiled. “But knowing that you wanted it to for even a minute just now is enough for me.”

“Are you going to keep helping me?” you questioned curtly and Jaebum bowed lightly.

“I’ll leave you to it for today,” he stated, leaving the room and leaning against the wall soon after, a giddy smile crossing his lips.

His training was complete. If the war came to these shores, Jaebum was certain he would be one of the first pilots called upon from the base. Along with you up in the skies, you had proven to be a formidable pair. The Captain might not agree, but after the assessments were done, you had earned your ability to become a Second Lieutenant already. Although Jaebum wanted to go up in rankings himself, he was proud to see you being recognised by other officials in the air force. It was time for change to occur in how women were perceived in society and you were definitely a good example of that.

What he wasn’t certain about was your personal relationship. After the office mishap, further incidents in close proximities had occurred and you had almost kissed him last night because of it. It was driving Jaebum mad, knowing that you were attracted to him, yet holding back because of some honour code you had conjured up.

“We can’t,” you had told him sadly, stepping back as you let go of his shirt you had anchored your hands upon. You shook your head to reinforce your opinion. “If we get caught-”

“No one will be surprised, Y/N.” You looked at Jaebum then, eyes wide. He tried to smile soothingly at you. “Everyone always has teased us of-”

“And it becoming true will only be more ammunition for them!”

“It’s not like you care what they say!” he refuted and you dropped your head. Jaebum heaved a breath before stepping towards you. “I mean-”

“I do care,” you said quietly, sounding so unlike yourself. When you lifted your head back up, your eyes were brimming with tears. “Every remark about me being a woman pilot hurts. You see it as motivation to be better. Do you know how many times I was turned away from being here? Unlike the men who just need to be of age and healthy enough, I had extra credentials needed to join. I jumped through hoops to be here. And I knew it would be hard, but gosh Jaebum, why do I always have to be better?! I’m a Lieutenant now yet I still hear the vulgar comments, and I know what is said about me when I’m out of ears reach. It matters to me. Everything they think and say, I do care about, far too much!”

He didn’t answer right away; ashamed his words had led to such an outburst. And yet, it wasn’t enough to satisfy him. He nodded once. “It’s a pity though that no matter how much I’ve been on your side, that you don’t care enough about the one who does think you belong here. I always have.”

Jaebum walked away then, not listening to your calls after him.

He avoided you for most of the next morning, only being around you when he had to be. It was petty, even he knew that much. But his pride was hurt and he figured if you didn’t want to progress with the feelings you had both skirted around on multiple occasions that he needed to find a way to let them go. He knew he admired you for the fellow comrade that you were and that would never change.

Jaebum just didn’t know how else to deal with his deeper feelings other than to avoid them.

And that’s why it surprised him when you approached him next.

“What are you– oh my God!” he exclaimed, blushing deeply as he quickly tightened the towel around his waist, darting his focus rapidly around the otherwise empty shower room. You showered in here alone when the men were done at a different time of the day and he knew that you didn’t have a special pass to be in here like he did. After being in the unfortunate place when a whole bunch of grease landed on him, Jaebum had been given the opportunity to shower when nobody would be in here. It was the most relaxing shower he had taken since joining the force.

Until now.

“Y/N, you can’t be in here, oh God, I’m not even dressed, look away!”

You smiled, admittedly a little overwhelmed by the sight before you, yet you had a desire in your gaze that he knew all too well. You were determined. “I never took you for being embarrassed about me seeing you without a shirt on. After all, it’s not my first time seeing you without one. All you men forget to put them on when working away in the heat of the sun.”

“Yeah, well…” He didn’t want to admit that he felt vulnerable right now. Or the fact that your steady gaze was making him react under the towel he was holding tightly around his lower half.

“I need to correct you on something,” you told him and continued your approach closer.

Jaebum backed into the stall he was just leaving and let out a whine an octave higher than usual. “N-now?!”

You nodded. “Mm, now.”

“What is it then?” he asked hastily, looking over your shoulder and imagining Bernard the cook who normally had showers at the same time as air force personnel and all his body hair. Jaebum thought of anything that could help him lower his heart rate and the growth under the towel.

“You were wrong about me, you know.”

You were dragging it out, now standing right in front of him, practically gleaming at his discomfort. Your hand tentatively reached out for his bare chest and he turned rigid, battling with all his self-control not to take you right now up against the tiled wall. It was growing far too hot in the room and he was failing to think clearly.

“I do care about you, more than I’ve let on,” you finally told him and Jaebum managed to look at you, blinking slowly.

“You know, you’re treading on thin ice, Y/N. I could take you right-”

“Then what are you waiting for?” you intervened, crashing your lips onto his. The change in mood was instantaneous and Jaebum’s hesitancy evaporated as his tongue grazed upon your teeth, begging for access. You gasped into the embrace and soon your tongues were entangled, much like your bodies were in the cubicle.

His hands moved to your layers, hastily undoing the buttons to your shirt and cursing when he fumbled on a couple. You worked on sucking on his neck, your own hands on your slacks and unfastening them quickly. You both threw your clothes away from the cubicle to keep them away from the wet tiles before your hands roamed over his torso, yanking on the towel still around his waist.

“Time to get rid of this like you did my clothes,” you murmured as you removed the towel, Jaebum wasting no time pressing you up against the walls and hiking you up in his arms, your passion eliciting moans and gasps to echo around the shower room as you both transported into another realm of pleasure.

When your climax stopped ringing around the walls, Jaebum held you tenderly, turning on the shower above you both. It was a different kind of intimacy now, the rush was gone and you both moved slower, imprinting each other with your hands and lips. Eventually, you dressed one another before each taking careful consideration in how you exited the bathroom. You met up on the court outside the bunkers and Jaebum reached out to discreetly take your hand, kissing the back of it gently.

“Jaebum!” you hissed and he smiled, shaking his head.

“You can’t take back what we just did.”

“But in public, we need to be more careful!”

Jaebum looked around you both before shrugging. “Do you see anyone? Because all I see is you right now.”

“Who knew you would be this affectionate after what you just did to me?” you murmured, nestling into his side anyway. “We still need to be careful about this. My career as a pilot comes first.”

“One day I will change that.”

Despite the intimacy in the bathrooms, you were still decidedly prickly towards Jaebum. He had hoped that you would meet him for secret rendezvous in between tasks on the base, or spend your free time at night with him. Instead, you had distance yourself again, confusing him over your confession. Had the intimacy been bad? He, for one, had enjoyed it and with how vocal you had been, he couldn’t imagine you viewing his efforts as being inadequate. The only thing he could think of was that you were scared. And this conclusion seemed to diminish all that was said and felt within that afternoon in the bathroom.

It, in turn, made Jaebum irritable to be around.

“Son, can you come into the office?” Jaebum nodded and followed the Lieutenant Colonel, wondering if his behaviour on the base lately needed to be reprimanded. Yet, you were also inside the office and for a moment, Jaebum panicked, wondering who gave the officials a heads up about the activities you and him got up to in the bathroom together.

The Lieutenant Colonel sat down and steepled his fingers together. “I have been made aware that you are both the best pilots on the first squadron here at the base, is that correct?”

“Yes, sir.”

“I have orders for you both. Now, what I am about to tell you of is classified information,” he explained and instead of being concerned, Jaebum felt his heart thump harder with anticipation. He had been hopeful that his training would come in handy one day soon. “The war our allies are faced with is intensifying. They cannot get enough intelligence because they’re too busy sending their finest pilots into the face of battle. Although neighbouring countries are submitting what they can, they need someone to go into enemy territory and gather information. They have asked for us to send our best.”

The Lieutenant Colonel got out of his seat and began to pace the floor of his office. “Now, I have been in two minds of whether to send my best pilots into such a dangerous place. The war isn’t anywhere near our shores, and we have only pledged assistance so far. Sending my finest in may only bring us into the war faster.”

“Sir, with all due respect, getting eyes in there can be an advantage to us as well,” Jaebum mentioned and the older man nodded.

“That’s why I’ve decided to send you both. Another base is also prepared to send some men. You will be deployed at zero seven hundred hours. Do not try to be heroes for a war that isn’t ours to fight yet, you hear me? You come back home together.”

“Yes sir,” you replied, both saluting the man before leaving the office.

A smile played on your lips and Jaebum wondered why. You looked at him and grinned. “He didn’t see me as a woman, but as a pilot.”

Your elation was short-lived. Despite flying the new prototype Mustang P51s, what was happening back home was child’s play. Navigating through the war was arduous and out of the eleven you had started out with, only nine remained into the third day. Jaebum was grim and exhausted. It was harder to source out these hidden bases than he had anticipated and the reality of the war was cold and troubling. And he and the others weren’t even in the thick of it.

After the fourth day in the area, the team had finally gathered enough evidence to return home with when you were caught under fire by enemy fighters. The squadron managed to fight off several planes until there were only two enemies left and one was right after you.

“Y/N, on your right!” Jaebum radioed through but there was no response except for static and you didn’t seem as aware as you should have been, focusing solely on taking down the other plane instead. And just as you succeeded, you became a target. Jaebum sped towards you making a signal you had both often used when up in the skies playing chicken. You saw it right at the last moment and dived left, leaving Jaebum to take on the plane who had been on your tail. He managed to take it out, but not without being hit first.

“I’m hit! I’m hit!” he radioed through, feeling the searing pain in his right arm from where the damage had been made. Trying to focus on flying instead of the pain and loss of blood he knew to be happening around him, Jaebum managed to land his plane at the nearby allied base they were using, a hazy image of you being the last thing he saw until everything turned black.

When he came to, he found you beside him, this time without seeing three versions of you. He smiled lazily as you leapt up from the chair you had been sitting in, calling for a nurse immediately.

Jaebum whined hoarsely. “Why do you gotta do that? I was happy just looking at you.”

“Don’t give me a fright like that again!” you snapped, before darting out of the cubicle to find someone. Once the nurse had assured you that Jaebum was going to make a full recovery, you slumped down into the chair again and held onto his hand.

“Oh, what’s this?” he asked, lifting your linked hands up to gesture to it. “Is it because we’re not back at home that you’re showing me affection, Y/N?”

“I thought you were going to die.”

“So you want to hold on so I don’t? Fine by me.”

You groaned. “Falling in love with you was the worst thing I’ve ever done.”

His teasing smile faded and he watched as you huffed in annoyance. When you realised he wasn’t going to say anything back, you glanced at him, smiling weakly. Jaebum lifted your hand so he could brush his lips along the back of it. “You can’t take it back this time around.”

The day had gone just as Jaebum had predicted. The morning had been filled with working in the hangar on one of the planes on maintenance repairs, and after lunch, Jaebum joined you in the field in front of the new recruits. Unlike at your old base where there were sniggers and lewd remarks at you being a female officer, not a peep came from any of the young men before you both. Jaebum smirked, wondering if it had anything to do with the fact that after your return from the war you had both been promoted.

“Captain, will we be flying today?” one of the cadets spoke up and you looked at Jaebum before smiling.

“Are you eager to get up in the skies?”

“Yes, ma’am!”

“What will you do if you can’t get your plane up fast enough for me today?” you continued and several murmurs sounded through the recruits.

“If we can, will you answer one of our questions?” another asked and you nodded once. “Really? It doesn’t matter what it is?”

“I will answer anything as soon as you prove to me that you can get that big fat lady up in the skies before those markers,” you confirmed and the young men went to work immediately.

Moving to your side, Jaebum smiled. “What do you think they’re going to ask?”

“What did the last group ask me?” you questioned him back and Jaebum laughed loudly. You smirked and poked him in the side. “You need to watch out Lieutenant, there are some nice looking ones this time around.”

He gaped after you as you walked towards the teams, inspecting their preparations well. The incentive had worked and now the cadets were lined up, anticipating their earned question time.

Before you could initiate anything, Jaebum stepped forward. “Raise your hand if any of you planned on asking Captain L/N here if she was single.”

A few raised their hands sheepishly and you hid a smile behind your hand as Jaebum took a deep steadying breath. He then smiled forcibly. “Congratulations, you’re now on my training team exclusively.”

“Why, have you also got a thing for the Captain, Lieutenant Im?!” one cried out sullenly and Jaebum folded his arms over his chest before glancing in your direction. You shrugged.

“Professionally speaking, the Captain and I come as a team,” he announced and then moved over to sling an arm over your shoulders. He felt your sharp intake as he grinned. “And personally, we continue that very well.”

“You’re all dismissed for today!” you mentioned hastily, turning on your heel as the embarrassment continued to flood your features. Jaebum jogged to reach your side, your eyes glaring at him as soon as you snapped your head in his direction. “Now, we’ll be the talk of the base!”

“As if we haven’t been since Youngjae outed us to the other members of our squadron.”

“That’s within Airforce Seven only,” you confirmed, flailing an arm about. “Not for the men we are training!”

“What, you said there were some pretty guys this time around. I had to do something to ensure none of them would approach you when my back’s turned.”

“Remind me why I love you?” you grumbled as you stepped back into your office and Jaebum closed the door before pressing you against it. Leaning down, he hovered his mouth just above yours.

“Because I almost died for you.”

“Are you always going to hold that over my head?!” you wondered, slipping your hands up so you could drape them around his neck. “I never asked you to save me.”

“You’re glad I did,” he replied and you kissed him softly before pulling back to give him a small nod. Jaebum pressed on. “Are we still on for that sunset? I found a new spot this morning that I want to show you.”

“Last time I listened to you, I found myself held up by an old farmer with a shotgun for landing in his field. I didn’t even have enough time to get my clothes on!”

Jaebum kissed you softly and smiled. “I found a cabin this time and I rented it. Completely safe, without a farmer in sight.”

“You know, Im Jaebum, you’ve been trouble since the day I first met you.”

He laughed, letting you go and shooting you a wink before opening the door to leave. “You best keep me in line then.”

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