#im having a real hard time doing stuff
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youngpeachenthusiast · 1 year ago
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once again gripping the bathroom sink repeating to myself that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and it is not the solution i will be using today
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ilovedthestars · 4 months ago
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A thought I’ve been having: While it's important to recognize the long history of many current queer identities (and the even longer history of people who lived outside of the straight, cis, allo “norm”) I think it's also important to remember that a label or identity doesn't have to be old to be, for lack of a better word, real.
This post that i reblogged a little while ago about asexuality and its history in the LGBTQ+ rights movement and before is really good and really important. As i've thought about it more, though, it makes me wonder why we need to prove that our labels have "always existed." In the case of asexuality, that post is pushing back against exclusionists who say that asexuality was “made up on the internet” and is therefore invalid. The post proves that untrue, which is important, because it takes away a tool for exclusionists.
But aromanticism, a label & community with a lot of overlap & solidarity with asexuality, was not a label that existed during Stonewall and the subsequent movement. It was coined a couple decades ago, on internet forums. While the phrasing is dismissive, it would be technically accurate to say that it was “made up on the internet.” To be very clear, I’m not agreeing with the exclusionists here—I’m aromantic myself. What I’m asking is, why does being a relatively recently coined label make it any less real or valid for people to identify with?
I think this emphasis on historical precedent is what leads to some of the attempts to label historical figures with modern terminology. If we can say someone who lived 100 or 1000 years ago was gay, or nonbinary, or asexual, or whatever, then that grants the identity legitimacy. but that's not the terminology they would have used then, and we have no way of knowing how, or if, any historical person's experiences would fit into modern terminology.
There's an element of "the map is not the territory" here, you know? Like this really good post says, labels are social technologies. There's a tendency in the modern Western queer community to act like in the last few decades the "truth" about how genders and orientations work has become more widespread and accepted. But that leaves out all the cultures, both historical and modern, that use a model of gender and sexuality that doesn't map neatly to LGBTQ+ identities but is nonetheless far more nuanced than "there are two genders, man and woman, and everyone is allo and straight." Those systems aren’t any more or less “true” than the system of gay/bi/pan/etc and straight, cis and trans, aro/ace and allo.
I guess what I’m saying is, and please bear with me here, “gay” people have not always existed. “Nonbinary” people have not always existed. “Asexual” people have not always existed. But people who fell in love with and had sex with others of the same gender have always existed. People who would not have identified themselves as either men or women have always existed. People who didn’t prioritize sex (and/or romance) as important parts of their lives have always existed. In the grand scheme of human existence, all our labels are new, and that’s okay. In another hundred or thousand years we’ll have completely different ways of thinking about gender and sexuality, and that’ll be okay too. Our labels can still be meaningful to us and our experiences right now, and that makes them real and important no matter how new they are.
We have a history, and we should not let it be erased. But we don’t need a history for our experiences and ways of describing ourselves to be real, right now.
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ghostofsnails · 4 days ago
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so did you guys know theres this character called tristan vik disventure camp and
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#disventure camp#disventure camp fanart#tristan vik#disventure camp tristan#ghostofsnails#my art#It would be SO tedious to post all of these separately but to be honest ive been dead for so long that i think its just funnier like this#like. yeah. just in case you guys have been wondering what i've been up to.#I have like 2 more i think but i'll give them their own post so i can explain them#ive never hyperfixated on a character like this in my entire life. usually a character hyperfix is super intense and lasts like 2ish weeks.#GUYS ITS BEEN 2+ MONTHS. AND I STILL CANT THINK ABOUT ANYTHING EXCEPT FOR CARTOON GOTH NONBINARY SILLY PERSON#actually fuck you can i write an essay in tags about why i love them. this is tumblr. and whose even gonna read this anyways. fukit we ball#i followed dc kinda casually as a guilty pleasure for a while but i was instantly drawn to tristan when the designs for the s4 cast dropped#i was like You're telling me there's a GOTH who is UPBEAT and isnt designed like a flawless elf TWINK and is NONBINARY? ME FR????#LIKE OHH THE GOTH NB GETS TO LOOK A LITTLE WEIRD. THEY GET TO BE UNCONVENTIONAL. my aesthetic attraction to them goes crazy. vampire style.#i remember when they got revealed people redesigned them to look more generically pretty & it PAINED ME bc it missed the point SO. BADLY.#ik some people find them boring also & even tho i disagree i can see it if u dont rlly care abt alt stuff. but for me the fact theyre so#kind & upbeat & extroverted WHILE being a SUBCULTURAL GOTH is the draw bc while i do get a kick out of the exaggerated depressed goth#stereotype - its not exactly true to life and so seeing a character that looks and acts like me and real goths makes feel so seen and happy#they also capture my desire to have goth friends SO BADLY im projecting on them SO HARD. They are such top tier friend material you guys...#AND THEYRE A FASHION DESIGNER WHICH FEELS SO IN THEME WITH BEING GOTH THAT IT MAKES ME SO JOYOUS AND CRAZY.#its all so funny because im 100x more excited about getting good goth rep than nonbinary rep LMFAOOO but them being nb is SO important too#Not to mention their voice actor is FANTASTIC and elevates them SOOO MUCH. Also the amount the va is obsessed with them fed my obsession -#sooo insanely you guys.... i feed off of other peoples emotional attachments. AND THEIR ACTING FOR TRIS ADDS SO MUCH DEPTH TO THEIR#CHARACTER IF YOU LOOK FOR IT. I COULD LITERALLY WRITE ESSAYS ABOUT TRISTAN YOU GUYS. IM NOT INSANE.#god you guys this is the first time ive ever had a genuine “i feel seen” feeling from a fictional character I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE NOW.#i LOVE NONBINARY PEOPLE EXPRESSING THEMSELVES. I LOVE HOW QUEERNESS AND GOTH CULTURE INTERSECTS AND HOW THATS REPRESENTED IN TRISTAN#THEY MEAN SO MUCH TO ME. AND I KNOW THEY MEAN SO MUCH TO SO MANY OTHER PEOPLE. WHICH JUST MAKES THEM MEAN EVEN MORE TO ME. I LOVE LIFE.#its an endless feedback loop i fear. im trapped in it & loving every second. i will be drawing them until i am in my grave & maybe after.
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frameconfessions · 8 days ago
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The nsfw artists are taking too long to get those file rips of the Hex. I need povs of my hips getting pulverized by the Hex ladies.
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These aren't necessarily the in-game models and unfortunately they probably don't come with bones (who wants to start a Garry's Mod WF RP server together) or textures obviously, but there is the minifig models FOR FREE that could probably be edited to Hell and back until someone rips/datamines the official in-game protoframe hex syndicate models for SFM and other uses.
https://www.warframe.com/news/printable-protoframe-miniatures-from-hoku-props
https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/19M3AR8nP2zbKwsR2QXZrkZytB1U-cOY0?usp=sharing
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girlboyburger · 9 months ago
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wish i had a consistent character to show for this, but since i don't i just used icons :0]
blank template for those that want it under the cut
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puppppppppy · 1 year ago
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i feel like. theres designing a character with certain themes and motifs in mind, and then theres making a gijinka for the water bottle on my nightstand
#me when im the only person on the bus wearing a mask: i should make a furry plaguesona#its hard to explain bc. most of the time i try NOT to give my characters a 'strong' theme like making their whole design around#one thing like apples or even broad stuff like baking or cottagecore.. idk if its partly for flexibility or because i cant imagine them#making it their whole personality. not bc i find it cringe or overblown but more like ive learned to associate design with character depth#i had a cutesy uwu persona for most of highschool because i thought it would make me more. likeable? easy to remember? since#memorable character designs are easy to recognize. and one way of doing that is simplifying it with a theme or symbol so you form an#association. but since im a real person its exhausting keeping up that appearance all the time and denying myself things when they dont#fit my 'aesthetic' or 'theme.' i think ive grown past that bc i just collect stuff because i think it looks cool and dont let myself dwell#on how it might 'fit' with my image. but i cant help feeling bad doing it to my own characters bc it feels like im making them too one#dimensional. despite knowing that theyre not real and design alone doesnt reflect depth i cant help feeling like its wrong#despite that i love seeing motifs because it feels like it reflects the characters soul and paradoxically gives them depth. it makes them#interesting to look at too and honestly its pretty fun combining things that fall under a similar category when designing#i struggle find a balance between those two things#actually this reminds me of noelles christmas theme.. i dont remember her saying anything abt liking christmas despite a lot of#her design and character tying back to it. it makes me wonder if she would have feelings about that or doesnt think abt it too hard#or if its like a matching family shirts situation and shes just going along with it??#maybe i should just do whatever i want with my character designs since theyre not real and im thinking abt it too hard#although. this probably has something to do with deep seated identity issues huh#yapping#oc talk#oc
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betweenblackberrybranches · 8 months ago
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Yea im straight up not having a good time over here
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deoidesign · 4 months ago
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okay so ages ago on the Bird Hellsite I saw someone make a coat entirely out of worm on a strings so now we have that incredibly cursed mental image right. My question to you is who in the TTA cast would be most likely to wear that thing and why is it Steve?
Oh, I met someone who did that a few years ago! Might have been the same person tbh.
I think a number of the minor characters would happily wear it, but the one most likely to make it would be Ash from the ghost hunting arc. Steve would wear it too, but Adam could make it work.
I had a grudge for years against worm on a string though... It was 2014. Flying across the country with my art class for the final judging of a competition. New York City, baby. Every day was constant activity; always going to a different event, a different activity, a different project...
And the stage was set: A small budget for the ILNY tourist store, two exhausted teenagers, and a misleading ad. The sound was off, and without captions we were left to assume... And we believed if the worms got wet, they would squirm. It made sense why they were $20 with technology like that.
Me and my best friend bought the worm on a string. We named him... Hal. It was all we talked about that day, the anticipation of getting back to the hotel.
Finally we get to our room. I was more excited about this than about being in the top 5 for a contest with a $50,000 prize. We opened the package, deterred by none of the signs, confirmation bias in full force... What's this string? Oh, it must be so they don't squirm away and get lost!
Fools.
Two fools standing over the bathroom sink, Hal in ones hands, and the other turning on the faucet. Nothing. A gentle shake of the lifeless soggy body. Still nothing.
And then the dawning realization: The worm was never gonna squirm around. We were duped.
How could we let that go... For years, I didn't.
I've since developed a fondness. It was never Hal's fault. We were exhausted, not thinking straight, and we blamed him for our own failure. I can only try to make amends... But I truly believe Hal never held resentment in his fuzzy blue heart.
Anyways we got second place and then the next year we won but that's less important.
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batsplat · 23 days ago
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casey is obvs funny with this rivalry stuff because on the one hand he's very 'well I don't care who I beat' (lie) and 'I don't motivate myself using my rivals' (also a lie) and then he's also repeatedly emphasising that valentino was ONE of his biggest rivals and he only competed against him a few years... like a lil side quest in the story of his career. Those Few Years where valentino was his big rival. whereas dani and jorge were his cohort so he did compete with them for a greater span of time... and this is technically true and does MATTER but it is also extremely noticeable in his output which rivalry he has the most thoughts about. and yes casey would say that this is because everyone ELSE cares the most about That One Rivalry the most and also his opponent being an annoying dickhead means it's the one he has the most complaints about... but at a certain point, it doesn't really matter, because there's still one rivalry you're talking about way more than any other. you can tell that he's at least given jorge's interiority a bit of thought, kinda went 'well he was arrogant but also Learnt From The Error Of His Ways and was maybe misunderstood so' -- but also he's not going beyond that, he's not examining jorge's soul, and he's not even doing any of that with dani. it's very much a rhetorical commitment to those other two rivalries. ultimately the point is that he's doing what he can to not talk up his biggest rivalry TOO much, because, you see. he Did Not Care That Much. (lie.) now objectively speaking this kind of framing literally does not matter, who cares which one of these was the most meaningful rivalry, but it's interesting that it matters to him!! casey's problem is that he is extremely sensitive and cares deeply about what other people say about him, but one of the things he's most sensitive about is the idea that he could let himself be mentally affected by ANYTHING, worst of all his rivals. they cannot be granted that much power over him. and all of this has kinda funny consequences in that he has pretty rigid patterns in how he talks about this stuff that are at times quite convoluted because he has to simultaneously emphasise that a) none of his rivals massively mattered to him, b) That Rival didn't matter more than the others, c) what That Rival did to him was completely beyond the pale, and d) none of that affected him mentally whatsoever. at most one of these is true. there are so many things casey wants so badly not to care about but it keeps spilling out of him anyway, this oozing sludge of resentment and repressed hopes and desires and frustration and longing and bitterness. he keeps giving himself away... he cares so much and he can't stand it
#i do feel bad sometimes using a clip from when he was like. eighteen as my smoking gun piece of evidence for the prosecution#but come on. that valencia 2003 clip is insanely telling. like yeah right you loved beating a guy sponsored by the circuit#it's kinda like dyke!vale tormenting his first gp rival into throwing in the towel. those are the Key Character Traits they're exhibiting#//#brr brr#heretic tag#i do also think there's some interviews where there's like. some real retconning. like casey that was Not You#that one interview where he was going in HARD about how jorge/dani were confused about how happy he was for them winning#and like casey buddy there's an element of truth to but you could be a notoriously sore loser!! mr 'a podium this far off isn't worth it'#and it's partly stuff he's talked about before with how self-critical he was... but of COURSE it could come across as unpleasant#i am doing my best not to get repetitive so this is the LAST time i am airing this complaint for a couple months at least#but the problem is if you have the starting point of him as like. a straight talking straight shooter or whatever#you do automatically miss a lot of the nuance with which he's constructing his own image#it's honesty based on vibes rather than literal honesty. u can be blunt and calculating idk what to tell u#im so fascinated if the jorge wheelchair story is true... i recently remembered it was also in the broadbent book#and that ducati pr people had like. gotten mad about it. which does fill one or two gaps and makes me think maybe it DID happen#idk there's something quite revealing about it!! casey isn't just a dickhead in the classic athlete mould. he's got a *nastiness* to him#all the aliens are occupational dickheads. only two of them i'd say have a real inclination towards nastiness
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anxiousgaypanicking · 19 days ago
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me when i want to accept writing commissions vs the depression thats been eating me inside and out
#i like#offered comms once#but now i have venmo and i know how to use it#but like#if i opened them back up i just#i dont know if id even have the motivation to write anyway#not to just traumadump in the tags lol but everythings felt so difficult lately#i feel so empty and not real#every day i struggle with the intense urge to just delete everything ive ever written#every account i own#and just disappear forever#and like. im not good at making connections with people?#so even though ive spiraled into another pit of isolation ive had one person check on me and it was my bf who i talk to every day anyway#and honestly i think the reason im typing this here even though its very tmi is because like#i just need to get stuff out? because maybe getting stuff out will like#help#but i dont know if it will#i started going back to therapy but i dont even know if thatll help#writing is hard#getting up in the morning is hard#breathing is hard#everything just feels so hard and i feel like i have no energy to do anything ever#and its felt like that for months and months but its getting worse as time goes on#anyway uh#im trying not to take my hiatus until february#but i havent been able to write anything in like two weeks#so maybe i wont be able to keep to my super awesome posting schedule and will instead go back to posting things sporadically as i finishthe#which wasnt often nor paced#and typically the thing that keeps me writing is praise (which is unhealthy ik) but uh. ive not been getting a lot of that so its just like#i dont know. sorry
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toruq · 2 years ago
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mellotronmkll · 2 months ago
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Wverytime I sit down at a computer to make music I get so scared
#i like siting down with a guitar and writing music but the daw is still so scary to me and i dont know how to make it less scary#its like i dont know where to start#i understand music theory i can write chord progressions i can write melodies but arranging feels so daunting#like just trying to pick keyboard voices and stuff im like overwhelmed and then its like i just dont even know where to start#i think i need to do more covers to practice arranging because trying to do it with my own songs im just like i have NO IDEA#i do think that trying to recreate arrangements of other songs I like will help me but also just idk#i really want to get better at writing at the piano but i find it really hard#rn i write almost all my songs on the guitar then i guess what i have to do is try to think of like what style i want it to have#and sort of try to create a map like probably literally on paper and then try to go in and sort of do it but god its so hard i dont know#it feels so so daunting#even trying to make silly little stuff with just like some synths is really hard for me right now its so out of my comfort zone and AUGH id#its frustrating im scared of the computer but i also very much do not want to be an acoustic singer songwriter but thats all i can do#because all i can do is play fucking guitar!!!! and its just so frustrating#technically im like with a midi controller i should be able to do whatever program drums write little synth lines etc i dont have to like#know how to play piano and yet whenever i try to do it i just get so overwhelmed and freaked out with how many possibilities there are#that i just . cannnnnt#AHGHHHHHHHHHHHH im so im in such a bad mood right ow#ive had such a horrible night honestly#i think i will just go engage in fixation for comfort and then go to bed sigh#i dont know what to do to improve at making music in the daw i guess ill just maybe try again this weekend to take another crack at it#god its just so frustrating that i only started writing songs 2 years ago and have only learned to use a daw in the last 3 months i WISH#that i was one of these teenagers who spent all my time writing silly songs and playing around with a midi controller but i just didnt#because i was scared!!!!!!!#playing the guitar and singing has always been like the only thing that felt safe cos i felt if i tried to actually write and arrange songs#by myself i would fail so now i just feel so frustrated because i dont feel like a real musician and i feel like im starting too late#AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH whatever sorry for using the tags of this post as my diary but#i am frustrated!!!!
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phagodyke · 3 months ago
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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bunnyboy-juice · 3 months ago
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spent the first hour and change at work deleting some old files and am having a grand ol time laughing at myself for not realizing i was a lesbian sooner
#vulnerable tag rambles ahead please be kind abt them i didnt intent to ramble this much but i dont wanna delete it eitehr#me to every single man i have ever dated after 6mo-1y: yeah hey this really isnt working out i dont really know why but i really hate mysel#and i dont want to blame you because i dont think you did anything inherently wrong here; i think this is something about me but i need#space to figure out why im feeling this way [every single one reacted by telling me No i wasnt allowed to leave btw]#i hold very complex feelings about these relationships esp bc of them ending in very violent/chaotic ways most of the time#but its interesting to look back at it all and realize ive left every man for the same reason (which is that ive hated myself Every Single#Time ive dated a man) and its funny bc i recognized the self hate pretty early on w/ cishet men but when it came to queer men it was#much more confusing (esp w/ nto knowing Any lesbians at that point in my life). im so happy im a lesbian tbh#i have a lot of issues w/ the racism fatphobia and transmisogyny present in lesbian groups#and also coming out as a lesbian really truly saved my life. before i met my wife i was quite literally in a 3yr abusive relationship that#definitely would have died in if i hadnt realzied i was a lesbian and ran from him#its also weird seeing liek the hard evidence of the things that happened to me btween 2016-2020 tbh#cause that was such a bad time of my life. i truly dont know how i survived it but im so glad i did#like the three major relationships in my life b4 meeting my wife was: guy who was in college when i was in HS who stalked me when i left;#guy who was a year younger than me who cheated on me the entire time while telling me he was being victimized (he wasnt; this was very mess#guy who saw the very messy toxic ldr i was in and helped me dump my ex then decided that meant we were in a relationship [insert 3 yrs here#and admittedly all 3 years with him werent the same level of abusive but it was definitely unhealthy from the start considering I Didnt Kno#we were together until he wanted to celebrate vday and got mad i didnt know our anniversary - and like this isnt including the other stuff#that happened between those Relatonships[tm] (cause ive never been monogamous; these were just the Major Relationships)#like i genuinely think if i hadnt come out i'd be dead rn given just how dangerous my relationships were/continued getting#i am also so tired now that ive seen all this cause like. fuck i can barely believe it and i not only lived it but have PTSD about it#i should write about my life sometime. i feel like it'd be cathartic to try and make a tangible timeline and stories from the years ang stu#anyway yeah. be nice about the tag rambles. dont message me with pity or curiosity or anything about this. i dont usually talk abt this stu#publicly bc i hate the ways ppl start tryign to baby me when they realize my life has been extremely fucked up until only a few years ago#n im still working on accepting kindness from others bc of [insert life traumas here] but its a long process so pls respect my need for jus#being heard rn w/o too much pressure< 3 (but ig if u do read this can u like it cause i feel a little crazy seeing all the evidence of the#stuff i experienced now also cause fuck ik logically it was but also i cant believe it was all real still yk)
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nonsensechemicals · 10 days ago
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crying whenever i talk about Cookie9 because all my friends have these interesting and unique theories on them while i take everything too literally and they all just stare at me like “dude… uuugh we r TIRED” <-they dont actually say this they are very kind to me but i can Feel It
#my version of them is centered around their blog version with the ‘personality’ of their steam review and like a bunch of HC#i developed them with the implication that they’re Real but i’m a bit iffy on it#because all my friends have theories about how they’re from the narrator’s consciousness which is sick as hell#and i’m unsure how to actually structure everything or if i should go the same route so i can get approval from them </3#my friends r the real reviewer fans even though they dont plague themselves over them every day and im so sad that i don’t know anythinggg#gggggggggggg#like im p sure they genuinely hate the stuff i make about cookie9 and im just. scrumbles myself. sorry im Trying :( i’m not smart#or good at writing or even media literate#whatever that term means#all i have is love in my heart for them i don’t know anything at all#ouhghghhg they hate It so much but i cant do anything else and it’s all i have#like all my cookie9 stuff works on the ‘what if their blog self Was Real’ but i’m not actually sure how to fit it all into my actual parabl#stuff because i still havent worked out how my parable itself works#and people probably don’t think i know enough and i don’t think they’ll approve if i try. so i Don’t#tempted to blame this on my like. general crushing lack of intelligence caused by both physical and mental reasons#but i want to believe i could do better if i try? but that’s incredibly hopeful#i’ll be stuck here forever i think#<-guy who. whenever Anything wrong happens ever. just goes back to ‘oh yeah its because im dumb as fuckign rocks. due to the Incidents’#i am very scared of the possibility that it is possible for me to be anything more because that implies that i’m stupid because i didnt try#even though i’m trying very very fucking hard and every time i get something wrong way more than anyone else i’ve ever known#and they hate me for it . MAN!!!!!!!!!#<-brain is lying 2 me i think nobody hates me or . whatever. it still feels like it though im just saying this because i dont want anyone t#think people genuinely hate me for being stupid. i mean. people DO. but not my friends ☝️#man i can’t even get into the buglivia crap either because she is so abstracted from her actual review#girl w identity issues and also the general normal Changing A Lot Through Time. i scrumble her. around#her Self during 2018 would in fact be in character for the review.i want to draw her during that time. she took everything so seriously </3#tbh my version of her does react well to TSP humor but at the time she felt like she wasn’t allowed 2 Do Her Thing and tried to seem#more professional and Normal and it seeped into EVERYTHING for a bit#cookie9 though just genuinely found the narrator annoying and patronizing. its just not his thing and thats fine#<-random nonsensechemical reviewer bits hidden inside the vents. SEND POST.
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puppppppppy · 1 year ago
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Jitterbug
#whenever my meds kick in it feels like im gonna piss myself. not literally but its really really feels like it#and now whenever that happens my mind goes back to pancho (grandmas dog) at a xmas party years ago#bc he peed when we arrived bc he was so excited to see ppl and my cousin had to clean it up :o)#well for better or for worse i know that feeling now when im pumped on 20mg of adderall#im still getting used to this whole diagnosis thing cause ive gone untreated and undiagnosed for the longest time. so theres probably a lot#i still dont know and have to learn to get myself to be.. functional on my own? self managing????#i even set up reminders on my phone for work periods meals and stuff. but the problem is actually getting myself to stick to that to a T#because the minute i slack off or something gets in the way it throws it all off until i can be bothered to get back on track. it sucks#at least ive built up other habits like writing notes and setting alarms ahead of time.. but i feel like i could do better#its always hard to change something if youve been doing it wrong for the longest time. especially behaviour and thinking patterns. sigh#in other news my glasses bailed on me so i have to get a new pair sometime. i just realized i never draw my sona with glasses but thats#mostly bc i forget. id love to get some browline glasses like my old pair but im picky and its hard to find one id like for the next 5 year#i also finally managed to collect all the fish in my animal crossing file!!! pulled out a char last week and boom now i have a poster :o)#THAT was a moment where i almost peed myself for real. id love to get all the bugs but i cant stay up late on the switch :o(#yapping#my art#myart#doodles#personal#diary
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