#im gonna hate myself SO HARD....

[justtogetthrough]

After the mishap yesterday where I needed steristrips and somehow had some on hand (I don't even remember from what tbh, I haven't used them in over a decade so it must have been from the surgeries when I had homecaring nursing), I placed an order to stock up on a bunch more because I really fucked up by underestimating how much my body has healed this week (I.e., basically barely at all) and now I'm gonna need to be steristripping this shit closed for a few more days. But also. I clearly should keep some in stock for things like this I guess.

When my friend and I were debating going to the hospital for self harm vs not earlier this week and I was describing what it's actually like to attend ER for psychiatric reasons/self-inflicted wounds and how scary it is to take a gamble each time about whether or not the doctor working that night will think you are deserving of their time and medical resources, I told them there's a reason I own so much *hospital-grade* first aid. For every product they send home with me, I google the brand and order some for myself.

Do you know how how pissed off people would be if I was showing up every other day and taking away time and resources from people who ~need it~ for no fault of their own? Can you imagine me taking the stitches out last night, only 1 day early and having the thing fall back open to the point of actually needing to be closed again and going to the ER to be like uuuuh so for once I actually left the stitches in for more than 3 days and this STILL happened????

But I'd sit there for 2+ hours (rural hospital) before seeing a doctor just to be told they won't restitch a days-old wound and probably do nothing except apply some steri strips themselves, so I can just... skip that whole step by having the same products at home ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Im wondering if I should get glue too tbh. Steristrips don't even stick that well and I'm allergic to tape adhesive so I had to decide that closing the gaping 5 day old wound was more important than the blisters I'm going to get from the tape holding the strips in place (I'm currently dealing with 3 blisters nearby from tape... my body has just gone to shit) and idk like I'm aware closing days-old wounds is bad and also I hate glue/don't think it works that well based on my one experience with it but last night had me wondering if that would have been a good situation for it. I do have plenty of saline from surgery to flush it out beforehand lol.

I'm so sick of dealing with this and I have so much lifting/organizing/rearranging to do to settle my house that I was planning in continuing today but I feel like I shouldn't, now, given the gaping holes in my wrist that apparently aren't healing 🙃

I'm so sick of being this unstable and self destructive. At work I see kids all the time who cut "superficially" and it's so hard to take seriously as concerning at all because I was getting stitches by the time I was 15 or 16. By 19 I was risking loss of limb. I think I cut superficially for like... 2 years before it escalated and my whole life since then has just been trying to one up myself over and over and over. I'd give anything to be satisfied with superficial cutting and not this dumb shit I do to myself. It does nothing but make my life hell and makes my friends abandon me the rare time they find out about it/have to deal with it. The only purpose it serves in my life is making me happy to destroy myself due to how much I fucking hate myself. But that happiness is fleeting when I also spend weeks absolutely miserable with the wound care and loss of mobility/function.

It's so stupidddddd

[shadyhouse]

if anyone is able to help me out i'd appreciate it, im still broke as hell. this month has been really difficult for me. i worked a total of 5 days all month and my bank account is in the negatives again after paying bills and getting some living essentials. i dont know how im going to pay my rent like this. i applied to a financial relief fund from a local trans advocacy group but it's going to be a few weeks until anything comes from that. if you have literally anything to spare it would help me out a lot 😭🙏 i feel bad ive been asking for help so often and i know everyone is struggling, im working on getting my life back in order but everything fucking sucks and is difficult right now :( even just spreading this is a huge help

pp: paypal.me/bewearrr vnm: tobias_leviathan

thank you 💕💕

[powerfulkicks]

so many tips for budgeting/being frugal are just twice as hard when you have a disability

"meal plan!" idk if i'll be feeling well enough to cook every day so it's hard to plan for what to eat

"cook in advance!" i can't cook meals for a whole week at once and plus i can't count on that because again idk if ill feel okay to cook at the same time every week

"use cloth napkins and towels!" those need to be washed and folded, i already have trouble doing my laundry

"delivery is expensive, always shop in person!" going to the grocery store can wipe me out for the day.

"base your food shopping on whats on sale that week!" one, allergies are a thing and some people don't have that luxury, two, that's a lot that you have to prep for and that takes energy.

"DIY!" takes time and energy. maybe i could do it by myself but would it be worth all the time i need to take to recover?

i mean none of these are bad ideas or trying to exclude people. most of it is cutting out conveniences. but for disabled people, something that's a convenience for someone can be a necessity to others

[ilonacho]

moo for me babygirl

[ilynpilled]

i truly do find it kinda silly when ppl dont grasp that u cannot act like the narcissistic and self-absorbed behavior thats present in lannisters contradicts deeply rooted and intense self-hatred or low self-esteem. like the former doesnt at all dispute the latter lol it showcases it more than anything honestly

[an-theduckin]

Why am I not good at anything I do :(

[whumpy-wyrms]

I JUST GOT MY FIRST T SHOTTTT!!!!!!!!!! :DDDD

[onehundredandeleventropicalfish]

there's so many del conversations i really fucking love and wanted to put my own spin on before we get an officially cast delirium, so starting off with this fun one from kindly ones!

(i have also started a del themed tiktok bc i have a lot more audio/video stuff in the works, so if you're interested you can find this video cross-posted here)

[pink-lemonadefairy]

[oldwomanyuri123]

[tittyinfinity]

I overshare online because I need constant validation that every thought and action of mine is Good and Okay and Normal. Surely this is a healthy coping mechanism

[wolvertooth]

im just lookin thru my archive rn cuz ive been posting fairly actively since like. july. debating if i need to do another #mentalhealthbreak or nah….

its not that ive run outta post ideas or anything(cuz my brain never shuts tf up), its just been kinda hard lately to keep up with the community aspect i think. i dunno. maybe im getting a bit burnt out again too

this is kinda the longest ive ever held a fixation consistantly, but the fear of slipping back into the Nothing Era where i got nothing to keep my brain occupied has me hanging on ig. i feel like im not done yet either like waiiiitttttt ive still got piles of wipssssssss i gotta make gay people realllllllll sigh

im only human im a messed up human blablah it makes good practice for adderall at least(not that its really been working) i just dont wanna be in a state where it feels like a chore yknow? like im not an influencer im a gay lil tumblr.com blog ffs

another dramatic emotion filled sigh………im gonna be staying out in the middle of the canadian sticks(farmland n woods n a couple beaches nearby) this winter for awhile, so maybe i’ll be able to figure out how to get some good chill time. or go more insane. (likely get more insane)

[innalheid]

Feeling very Ascension by Gorillaz ft Vince Staples at 2:18

[sophiethewitch1]

me and what we want are going through a lovers spat rn because i desperately want to write more for it but i constantly feel like shit so its really getting in the way of our relationship. also if youve sent me any asks that i havent responded to i am geniunely so sorry about it i am in the trenches right now

[mellotronmkll]

Am i really about to post on my city's subreddit asking if anyone knows where to buy a really specific brand of sardines. I think so because I keep not being able to find them even in the specialty markets

[savage-rhi]

Magenta 😟