#im gonna be worse tomorrow I just know it
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I’m scared for tomorrow
#6 am….. mcr…….#I get on the bus around 6:05-6:10#You guys us should’ve seen me at school today#I was shaking and couldn’t talk about anything other than Gerard’s outfit#I literally saw a few pictures at 7:06 then got to school at 7:15#im gonna be worse tomorrow I just know it#Victor Speaks
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avoidance is my fucking doom man, i know i should go to class but i fucking cant get myself to
#i have. so many absences it's ridiculous to go right now i know it will be worse if i dont go i have to go#ive been just tossing and turning for like 2 hours with some freakign heart palpitations cause im so fucking scared#i was supposed to go last week and i didnt do it then either and every time i feel worse but i cant make myself go#AAAAAAAAA Im gonna die here i know i just have to force myself but i dont want to i want to stay at home which will fix nothing and#make everything worse in the long run#im aware of thsi but i still cant get myself to go idk what to do in this situation i feel horrible augh#i have so many absences I literally went once at the start of the semester and it's been what. 2 and a half months almost 3#i didnt do much for the class and i didnt go to class idk what to do.. theres literally no other way than to force myself to go#i KNOW I'll instantly feel better if i just stay home. i knowww i knowwww but its not going to help anything#i feel like shit and so ashamed and i just really dont want to go through this#FUUCK#im just#completely in panic mode rn. idk if i wont just try to go tomorrow idk if this is a bad decision im still just putting it off#im just totally by myself and cant even talk to anyone to calm down uauauhcgchdhd#im feeling pretty pathetic rn i should be able to do thisss i should be able to do this by myself#this is like self inflicted psychological horror and it's like every other day for me for many years now ouughh
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"I'm nobody. I haven't done anything with my life like you have."
Todd Phillips, Scott Silver, Lady Gaga genuinely, lovingly, fuck you.
I will never forgive you. I hope every day your bones get softer and softer and then one day when you're not expecting it, I shall be there, and I will gnaw through your Achilles heel<3
#LIKE WHAT THE FUCK???? IVE NOT DONE ANYTHING WITH MY LIFE#SHES SUPPOSED TO BE A DOCTOR SHE SPENT OVER A DECADE IN FUCKING SCHOOL IM GONNA FIGHT#IM THROWING HANDS WITH EVERYONE INVOLVED THATS SO NASTY#idc i will not be acknowledging this as an actual Harley cause shes not. i dont fucking care.#the Only thing making her Harley is that they called her that. change her hair color and color scheme and bam PUNCHLINE#but no they decided to be stupid and insulting and ignorant.#this genuinely makes me so mad.#i watched the trailer and every time im like jfc okay its gonna suck they just release something absolutely worse#i will be spending my entire therapy session tomorrow ranting passionately about my hatred for todd phillips#i would fight him for a corn chip#harley quinn#harleen quinzel#baby im so sorry to be tagging you i know this aint you baby!!! you're better than this!! you deserve better#dc comics
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charlie kelly - season 16
#iasip#it's always sunny in philadelphia#charlie kelly#charlie day#my gifs#s16 spoilers#sorry if this sucks photoshop keeps deleting all my settings :(#gonna be real... i know they were prob trying to balance things out bc s15 had a bunch of charlie stuff#but man there werent enough good charlie moments this season :(#(or at least not stuff i really enjoyed)#i have a dee one coming up tomorrow (not even gonna get into how much worse this season was for her)#& then i think after that im taking a sunny gifmaking break for a bit#i love making these (and im planning on coming to them eventually) but theyre a lot of work#and tbh ive been thinking i need to spend less time on tumblr/sunny stuff bc im just not having as much fun as i used to#& i know i'll enjoy it again eventually tho bc my brain likes to cycle thru the same 5 interests year after year (lol)#just have 2 get there again!!! which might take a bit of time#might still be on all the time. might not.#might be a little more multifandom might make gifs or fanart for other stuff (dont wanna scare everyone off tho)#idk at this point but i felt like i needed to get it out there ya kno#kinda gotta figure out some things. like how to have an actual social life & finding time to make art & not feel overwhelmed all the time.#speaking of art maybe i'll start updating my art blog lol#anyway... gonna be fun when i do come back to these to try to find them to add the links
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"Who's idea was it to put the cone on your head for the parade? Was that all you?" "Zach Eisenberg [Director, Executive Operations]—I think is his name—he takes care of us a lot at Amerant Bank Arena. I don't know his exact role with the team but he's just kind-of always around, and helps us out. He's friends with Brooks [Koepka.] I think he helps Brooks when he comes to the games. Anyways he found a pylon or I think I might have told him—I was pretty drunk at the time but I think I told him to go get a py—'if you could find a pylon, find one!' 'Cuz they sprung that speech on me, kind-of, last second, you know, five minutes before I was supposed to go up there. I'm like, 'What the fuck am I gonna say?' So I had him go grab the pylon and I grabbed it on the side of the stage right before I was gonna do my speech. And luckily all the clips are of that, you know, me telling him to go fuck himself... 'cuz the rest of my speech was terrible. There's really nothing to it! And I'm so happy that, you know, all the clips are only of that so!" "Yeah, we didn't know you said anything else! I thought that was the entire speech!" "That's all that matters!" "Exactly, exactly! I got away with it there!"
The Cam & Strick Podcast | 7.30.24 (x)
i love finding out they basically told ekky he was gonna have to do a whole speech 5 minutes before he was up while hes been drenched from rainwater and alcohol for like the past 6 hours absolutely pissed out of his mind like yeah no wonder his speech basically culminated to THANK YOU SOUTH FLORIDA AND ALSO GIVE IT UP FOR MY D PARTNER WOOOOO yeah that tracks
"But what golf tournament* were you at shortly after that? Somebody was dressed like a cone? Was that Lomberg who was dressed in like a costume? A cone costume?" "He came—Brooks came up to you—" "No, that was his buddy, that was his buddy. He was actually a Sunrise police officer. I actually saw him last night at the Zach Bryan concert! But yeah, no, that's one of his buddies. No, he was completely put to bed the day after. Right? Like he texted me—I personally didn't care, like, how many people at a hockey game are calling me a cone and telling Barkov he's got no hands like it's—you know, that's hockey. That's sports, right? So I didn't give a shit but—yeah, no, it was all in good fun. And then I got a way to get him back! It's perfect!" "But when you did see the first video of him in the box—and I remember watching that, I'm like, 'this motherfucker is rolling esctasy!' His eyes were fuckin' gigantic, he's like, 'Aaargghh.' Like, 'I can't take him, he's calling me a cone! I can't—' But that is kind-of odd that a professional athlete is gonna call you a cone and he's like a fan of yours...it's just—it was really bizarre!" "Goofy!" "Yeah..." "And his eyes were black which, you know..." "What does that mean?" "I just know what that means... and he was fucked up, you know..." "Yeah, yeah! He was definitely fucked up and he agreed that he was fucked up. And he apologised so I didn't care, obviously. And then when I was at that golf event I should've thrown a beer at his backswing or something—at the LIV event when he was actually competing? I should've fucked with him but I couldn't do it... I couldn't—I couldn't find the courage to throw something at him..." "So did he reach out to you like that night? And say, 'Hey, dude... I was just joking, you know...'" "'I took some pills and...'"
*2023 LIV Golf Team Championship (Miami) held from Oct. 20-22 in Doral
[and i suppose more context here lombo and koepka are friends and he even showed up to his cupday when he went golfing in parkland and not to mention that lombo facilitated koepka apologising to ekky so its why the whole cone costume came to be really]
theres a lot more context about this incident and the ensuing storm after it so for archival sakes here are articles about it (x)(x)(x)(x)(x) because its quite a saga but its water under the bridge and there's only so much tabloid-esque coverage thats been reignited after the ekky speech i can take about an athlete who's dumb enough to insult another guy while hes drunk off as his ass in a fucking public setting
but anyways i think its really funny that i said to myself wow thats an oddly petty thing to admit to you know the whole wanting to throw a beer at his backswing ekky... for such a good vibes sweet man who like the only thing youve particularly said about the cone novella is "we'll never be buddies" to which you quickly retracted and then went "holding ill will against somebody and pulling negativity in your body is never a good thing"
and then i remembered who he attended the liv event with and it all made sense
behind every aqua whos being a little mean there is a much worse much more evil looming presence who is encouraging them down this dark path (a gem but especially a june gem)
truly a tale as old as time
#aaron ekblad#florida panthers#aaron ekblad is not a speech giver and hes certainly not a speech giver when hes drunk lmao#bitch just went woo! a lot and publicly loved forsy yeah and i wouldnt have it any other way#also not like any of us noticed the speech was bad we were all either too drunk or halfway to hypothermia we fuckin cheered for anything lo#that being said while i was fucking shivering like a chihuahua it did absolutely warm my heart to see a man so touched by all of us#animalistically chanting ekky at him like thats what its all about fucking barked my little heart at everything he said I DID NOT CAREEE#as a gem i do in fact make all my friends actively worse and go “you're being way too nice about this lmao dw ill be mean about it for you”#love the sasha mention and the ghost of benny haunting us all very nice#meant to post this earlier but i think the more context is added to this the better and it took a while to remember and track it down#anyways i love pretending doral is miami#please dont ask south floridians what is miami and what is not miami that is gonna cause a civil war#also dont ask people outside south florida what is miami because they sure as hell dont know#need to give a presentation on miami versus soflo and why calling it “greater miami/miami metropolitan area” is really fucking stupid#and just serves to confuse the living fuck out of everyone outside this fucking hellhole#im sorry thats my geo rant over i promise i wont bring this up again until like (looks at calendar) tomorrow#also very funny that ekky dated himself by saying “last night at the zach bryan concert” so we know he recorded this on july 23rd#thank you king very nice of you
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ngl gamers, I think I'm gonna inevitably lose to the hormones and depression in the near future XD
Can't bring myself to be active cause I'm using a lot of energy to not vent post all the time. But fuck it, into the tags I go!
#I want NO MESSAGES regarding this. let me just be upset and alone#you spend most of your life trying to not succumb to sick brain but honestly I don't think it's worth it in the long run#my life is for better or worse....decent. but I've lost the drive and happiness to really DO anything a long time ago. like whats the point#the only reason I havent killed myself yet is cause Im too lazy (and dont have access to a gun for a quick getaway)#and I'm saying all this DESPITE having stuff to look forward to in the near future. it's like AUGH whats the POINT IM always gonna suffer#why does mental health take such a toll on ppl. this shit sucks ass. and I still feel excited for things in the future too? somehow?#but I also really want to die so. idk man. idk. maybe if I fall in love with someone then I can be distracted but all my walls are up#what's the point in anything anymore. *I* have to take the steps to improve myself and my situation#and I'd rather die. anyways who wants to make a pact that once we reach 40 we will marry each other#that might be fun#also my brain has gotten so bad that I am literally considering joining a hiking club to get out more and I FUCKING HATE HIKING#but I should probably do something out of my comfort zone to push myself and who knows maybe I will find a new passion#but let me tell you about the anxiety - oh BOY it's starting to act up again. hahahha#ah well sometimes you just need to scream your feelings out in the tags to get a lil clarity from the brain fog#one day I will fucking die/kill myself but for now I'll just try to make the best out of. whatever the hell this stupid life is. *shrug*#(but hey if any professional hitmen are reading this. feel free to. heh. you know ;) )#also I need to get back to art#gotta do my paid work and that one pic I lined months ago. and clay stuff *continues to bed rot another week because hahahahahahaha*#ah I wish I didn't fail all those years ago. then I would be free. I wish I was free#ok goodnight I promised myself that I would do paid work when I wake up tomorrow so hopefully no more migraines -pray emoji-
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I'm so on edge today I hate it
#i had a bit of sound overload while playing league and its set me off#and ive got my mom visiting me tomorrow which is freaking me the fuck out#im just on edge right now i hate it#I need a hug#everything feels so wrong and everything I do feels even more wrong#mega feelings of being a big giant mistake#and i know its just me being negative and adding it all in my head and making it worse#but gah#i just need to breathe#I want to put my head through a wall but we dont do that in this house#its not gonna help and i deserve better than doing that to myself
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#ok so update#i had the eye surgery#dude said it went well but we wont really know for a bit#im prob gonna get more info tomorrow when i see him for a follow up#i kept telling myself my phobia prob just made the anticipation worse and the actual thing would be okay#but it was so horrible#triggered my eye phobia and my claustrophobia#i mean it was fine but the things i could feel and see him do to my eye#even without pain and with some iv calming shit#oh i hated it#and it started with them giving me so many drops and one of them the nurse was like ‘oh you might feel pressure like a headache from this’#yall i thought i was gonna throw up from the pain and i was like tf ????? cos i deal with chronic pain i have threshold#and when thr surgeon finally came to see me i mentionned that i was dealing with a lot of pain from this#and he goes yeahhhh thats normal. young people react p#pretty badly to that one. a lot of them pass out.#……….#anyways didnt pass out didnt throw up go mel#me*#but yeah at least its done#im gonna have nightmares about this#about moi
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I hate living in this world.
#misc#negativity tw#first off i had an argument with a colleague at work#we had to move places for the millionth time in this stupid open space#which already annoyed me#but this guy came at bargained like he always do while i said nothing because it's not like we chooae#and he always does that for actual work because and idk at first i made a snarky comment about now that he got what he wanted he better be#ready to work instead of hiding when somebody ask him to do his job#and he told me he didn't understand the remark#and my hot temper that makes me snap every five years took over#i bet he has by now complaining aboutme like he does about everything#anyway i take hours to calm down (not calm after 4 hours)#I'm also pissed at me cause i can't get emotional without shaking stupidly which makes me look like an hysterical person (i mean sadly i am)#also if there has to have an explanation once my anger is gone tomorrow i will be back on social anxiety mode which is gonna make it worse#all of this reminded me that i need to find a new job for ten thousand reasons#but unfortunately all employers are shit and actually i don't even know what i want to do#and as usual i have no energy for anything because i am still a major piece of shit#then i wanted to relax#made the mistake to open Instagram because I'm also stupid#and i know i don't often talk about politics and stuff#but it's really draining me#i barely or read news just enough to be aware#and honestly its exhausting but I dont want to complain cause Im in a privileged position where i have the chance to be able to 'shut off'#and yes my country and especially this government is sickening me#and like its people too#and also insta is full of pride posts#and i am stupid to read the homophobic and transphobic comments#and genuinely these people alongside racist and islamophobic people really scare the hell out of me#hopefully i don't engage but i shouldn't read anything at all tbh#speaking of pride im spiralling because even tho i kinda identify as aro i feel like a freak and i have nobody to tell me im not
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#im just so angry#all i keep thinking is what the fuck#i know im lucky i live in a blue state#but also it just makes me angry that now i have to deal with the nonsense other people chose#and why did so many people pick him??#like where all his crimes and cruelties not enough???#i just dont get it#like a little part of me hopes something miraculous will happen and ill wake up tomorrow to find out she actually won#but idk man its just not looking great#i dont know how were gonna make it thorough this#hes already done things that will have lasting effects#its gonna be so much worse for four more years
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Hnngg
#im so stressed ughhhhh#this divorce is gonna end me man though im probably stressing out over nothing AGAIN#like tomorrow my dad's bringing some expert to the house to put a price on the house#and i literally have no idea whatever that's gonna be how we are gonna pay that shit lmaoo#also i just really don't wanna be there or be with them in the same house god i hate it when they're near each other#i am..... going through it more than i probably should since I'm an adult now n stuff but whatever#it's not like i can just stop feeling all this distress and grief n shit especially since he's already found a girlfriend#with kids and stuff and they've already been going to my grandparents ughhh i feel thrown away you know#it hasn't even been a year it's pissing me off so badly#i feel like killing myself every time i think about tomorrow and then I feel even worse when i think about later ughhh#i shouldn't be so distressed i really shouldn't#especially since I've been living my life on an incredible streak of luck so.#whateverrrrr#uhh like comment and subscribe#vent#i just gotta. cause there isn't anyone here i can really talk to since#everyone sees this so much more differently and sis is just always telling me im making it into something bigger than it is#but it's really stressing me out#idk i fear this is not gonna end nicely I don't even see him anymore#and it literally hasn't even been a year but he's not really talking to me but at the same time i don't really#feel like talking to him either so who knows uhh..
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Sometimes I get the urge to be like "Well, they can't live forever" when it comes to shitty situations with shitty people. But then I remember that A: shitty person dying might not be the result that someone wants, and B: it actually can take quite a while for people to die, in many cases
Idk I'm just so used to death being right around the corner that I'm like "Well maybe he'll die soon and that'll fix it" but he probably won't die that soon and it also might not fix it. Or be wanted.
Idk it's such a specific mentality that I have now. People can die with such short notice that you Never Know! The solution to all your problems may be short at hand. You never know.
#speculation nation#honestly i think the Year Of Death knocked a bit of a screw loose in me.#zero trust in anyone's longetivity. Any person around me could die with no warning at all. death comes in many forms.#including me! i could also die like that!#so people will ask things like 'do you think youll live until youre 70' and im like. i dont know!#i'll try to! but i could die next week. or today. or tomorrow. or in 50 years. it's all a giant game of gacha.#or perhaps russian roulette. but with a biiiiiiig barrel.#every day god cocks it back and pulls the trigger and Click! not my day to die today!#someday he'll pull that trigger and my metaphorical brains will blow. and yknow what i'll be dead so it wont even matter.#quite fortuitous that i already wasnt scared of death before getting such severe mortality awareness.#im gonna try to live as long as i can bc there are lots of things i still want to do. but when it's my time?#i'll be dead anyways. wont be able to care then.#theres a very specific kind of feeling that comes from dealing with sudden losses so consistently.#of receiving a call from someone who doesnt normally call you out of the blue and going 'oh boy someone else is dead now huh'#of answering it. having that hunch confirmed. and you just gotta go 'Okay. thanks for telling me.'#anyways i think theres something wrong with me but at least im still functioning fine. so it could be worse!#negative/#kinda lol. did get a bit into vent territory here.
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Sometimes I really hate English exams because I find it so hard to put my thoughts and feelings into words like I have these great ideas and i understand but I can’t relay them and it makes me angry or upset which only makes it harder to do the exam cause I’m not thinking clearly
#I have one tomorrow#for like two and a half hours give or take#can’t wait!#I also missed the classes where they taught us one of the poems and also how to answer questions correctly#so I’m having to reteach that to myself during some personal issues#oh and also I have TWO WEEKS OF EXAMS#OUT OF NO WHERE#I’m failing science im well on my way to failing maths#I have to do further maths because my parents and teacher won’t let me move down to a more comfortable set because ‘I can do it’#even though I find it hard to even show up to maths class these days#if I moved down I’d be sat with my friends and a teacher I know and trust#and the work would be less stressful#I’d still be able to do higher!!!#I just wouldn’t have to do further maths!’#now I’m on study leave meaning I have to monitor my own study#through all of this shit#mind you we haven’t studied ANYTHING for my dt exam because we’ve been focussed on coursework#so I have to reteach all of that to myself instead#I’m gonna give up one of these days#also Christmas is gonna be shit this year for reasons#and I won’t be able to catch a fucking break until like halfway through January maybe#even then I’m just closer to my real exams#and that’s worse#I swear to fucking god I’m moving down in maths if it kills me#I’m just done#I’m so done#I can’t go five seconds without crying#I miss my friends#I miss normal#reached the tag limit woah I didn’t know that existed
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I WANT TO DANCE I WANT TO PARTY I WANT TO SWIM IN THE SEA SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF THIS FUCKING TOWN
#me drinks one glass or bottle of wine also me ^^^#if i didnt live in a car dependent place i would be so unstoppable and also a much worse alcoholic#better? worse?#anyways swimming in the sea ar night drunk as hell again would fix me but NOOOO i live in a CAR CITY NOW#thinking about how casual my friends in school like high school used to drunk drive that was crazy like what the hell#thats a line for me like i’ll do a line but im not DRIVING after#no 🙅 operating 🙅 heavy 🙅 machinery under the influence of anything dude there are other people in the world#oversharing online is my passion sorry#anyways. alcoh*lics will literally be like ‘im gonna have a glass of wine w dinner’ and next thing u know plastered on the floor#like why did i drink my fuckinc cooking wine lol i need that for cooking!!! my sauces!!!!#long story short if u live in *** and want to get str***** lmk i can solve that u just gotta pick me up in ur car vroom vroom#or if u have **** 👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽 or **** ok#im very flexible#anyways. recycle comes tomorrow and they know far too much about me. like not me getting up at the crack of dawn to haul my pile of bottles#out to the can pleas. maybe i should leave a thank you note. i can make cookies or something
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#LMAO.... i was not meant for this loveydovey shid. i am sooooooo lovesick its not even funny#like can someone save me. its gotten so bad#i talked to my mom about it on n off for like 3 hours NDNDJDJJDJD#im just !!!!!!! ah.... i have to be patient. thats just what i have to be#bc rushing will only make things worse#and i cant be heartbroken during the semester. like thatd suck#but then.. i also dont knownif i wanna be in a relationship during school either???????#like can i handle it or will i go so googoo eyes that i flunk out aJdkdkdkdkdkd#and IN MY LAST TERM?????#like hhhh im so scared i'll never see him again when schools over. which... ok unlikely bc we have the same friends#but even if we DO see each other it wont be as often as now !!!!!#hhhhh i wanna see him everyday 😭😭😭😭😭😭#HHHHHHHHHHHH GOD#feel like im gonna end up confessing to him the last day of school NDJDJJDJDJDJDJDJDJDJDJD#which !!!! again bc we have the same friends....... could be sooo detrimental!!!!!!!!!!!!#but god i cant just be just friends alright. like hhhh !!!!!@@@ i like him so much 😭😭😭😭#his eyes are so kind n like the way he looks at me i just !!!!!!!!!@@@ baboom baboom baBOOM.. !!!! ya know !!!!!!!!@#n e way....... im not seeing him tomorrow (heartbreak hotel) so now i gotta wait A DAY????? incomprehensible#personal
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#horrible awful no good very bad day#apparently last night the apartment below ours caught fire and we were out of town#and we didnt find out til several hours later from our neighbor who had to track me down on facebook- we didnt hear a thing#from the apartment in any official capacity until like? 10 hours after the fire?#anyway we rushed home supremely early from a friend trip that was like#meant to be very good and fun#anyway so we rush home because no one can tell us if our cats are okay#and they were but our whole apartment is supremely smoky and all of our possessions are extremely smoky#and we cant stay there or let the cats stay there because of the smoke and soot and particles it just doesnt feel safe#so now im in my partners familys house which is like#fine but its full of people and i dont feel fully comfortable and i cant fully relax and and and and and etc etc etc etc#and tomorrow i have to wake up early and go over there and find out what if anything the complex plans to do about it and how long its gonna#be until we can come back safely. or more likely get more noncommittal answers and be unsure#and i dont know how long i can stay here and be normal#AND to top it all off i paid like 60$ to go to an aquarium i didnt even get to go to . but yknow. all of my friends got to !#and like im happy for them but no one was excited as i was and now i get to ruminate on how everyone got to do the fun thing i love#while i was stuck doing 17 loads of laundry and bathing the soot out of my cats fur in someone elses house#certainly it could be worse and im glad my cats are fine and im glad its just smoke damage and not yknow. Burn damage#but im having a sad little pity party anyway because i was supposed to have an amazing beautiful day ending in a relaxing evening#in my own home#and now i have to cope with all of this instead. all i want to do is cry#and also like. im scared we will have to move#but im also scared we wont... because like#i think it was a gas issue. and knowing that that happened in my building? and also knowing how much landlords love to halfass#repairs and everything else#i just dont know how safe i will feel there#even if they tell me its fine#anyway sorry for the tag vent post again my old ways will never die#ghost posts
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