#im going to tell you today so you have to sit here and think about it for 3 fucking days.
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moeblob · 8 months ago
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Deacon loves two things: Ymber and digging himself a grave.
Fulj hates one thing: Deacon.
#my characters#waiting on some info on the next commission so i indulged in ocs today bc i doubt i will have as much time for lil comics for a bit#deacon is so devoted hes like yeah i would kill for a deity that could easily kill anything himself but yknow teehee#and fulj just did you tell him you needed therapy also does he even know youd murder in his name#deacon caught red handed haha no of course i havent told him it should be obvious enough haha.... and its in his defense not his name :c#man really does have some issues but i love him so much and hes so devoted but like. unhealthily after a while#he does in fact need a chill pill and therapy but to be fair#ymber has needed therapy for centuries and yet he just bottles it all up and suffers so#its pretty unhealthy until they yell at each other one (1) time bc they are so insecure about things and get mad over very valid reasons#but then theyre like you know what that was necessary and i still want to stay by your side if you let me#and then fulj is like dude hey sorry you seem really happy did you fu- and ymber is like no please stop there we have not#fulj just squinting cause have not is very different than will not but whatever she doesnt wanna think about that with deacon involved ew#and eventually fulj is like hey ymber im sorry to say but i really do hate deacon and i dont even know why but he makes me uncomfortable#while deacon is just. in the room. hearing this and thinking how he knows she thinks hes weird but wow that wording hurts#and ymber doesnt wanna fill in memories better forgotten by fulj which she had forcefully removed#so he just says oh well his hair and clothing are black and you had someone in the past that you might see in him and its not a pleasant en#so you know maybe its that idk#and fulj is then WHATST i was rude to him for someone i cant even remember? lame im gonna try SO HARD to be nice to him now#and deacon just still sitting there with some food like this is v awkward and i wish i could not be here for it#and later he asks ymber about who he resembled and as ymber is descibing her it clicks in deacons head and he gets really sad#that he might somehow remind fulj of the woman she loved before she was punished for loving a mortal#and he feels kinda bad pestering her so much with his curiosities about deities and he kinda gets it#the fact hes close to ymber might remind her at the core that she was once that close with a mortal if not closer#anyway story time in the tags again#im so obsessed with these peeps and i have made them suffer so much but they do all end on a happy note#its still funny and nice to me that while fulj is creeped out by deacon and doesnt like talking to him#he still expresses the most emotions to her - he tries hard to remain serious around ymber and collected and obedient at all times#and when out and about with ymber he has to be intimidating and refuses smiling but fulj?? all sunshine and smiles and emotions easy to rea#and she is just that is so weird go away i hate you
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millionsknives · 1 year ago
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genuinely these panels are going to make me ugly cry
#i'm not back for real yet i think i want to stay away longer. i'm just here to put more things in the queue and answer messages#i really enjoyed trimax vol 4 idk something about it was less miserable than 1-3#might have been the first volume that i wasn't grimacing the entire time i read it. or maybe i'm just desensitized now.#unironically this prayer is soooo beautiful to me. give us this day our daily bread. not bread for the week not bread for a year#just enough for today.#lately when i've been praying it just looks like#please for the love of god please please please please please PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPL#things are not looking good for the community house.. lots bureaucracy with the city. and the church that funded us is falling apart#i don't know what i'm going to do if we get shut down it's the one thing in my life that's worth anything#all those kids... where are they going to go. who is going to help them. where is the neighborhood going to get their food.#in two days it will be the anniversary of [REDACTED] and i am so so so scared#just sat in my room today and fruitlessly scrolled thru jobs im not qualified for & tried not to think about thinking about killing myself#i don't WANT to kill myself i don't want to think about it i hate thinking about killing myself i will never ever kill myself or even try#but there is a demon or perhaps a ghost or evil wizard that tells me there's an easy way everything can go away. and it's A STUPID. BITCH.#please do not reply to this post i know you all mean well but i just don't think i can handle it.#talking about it i mean. and hearing people say nice but empty things.#i just wish i had someone to sit next to me.#personal#i don't want to go to church tomorrow :( it all feels so fake and i do not ever feel fed.
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todayisafridaynight · 7 months ago
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I’m fairly new to the fandom, but I do have a question if you can answer it! Why do people ship Daigo with Aoki / Masato? I tried looking to see if they’ve interacted before, but couldn’t find anything! Sorry for asking I’m just </3 dumb AND I LOVE YOUR ART OF THEM!!! Nerd looking ahhhhhh
hi ! welcome to the community i hope you're having a lovely time so far and ty for enjoyin my stuff :) no need for apologies it's a very fair question to have :]
i cant speak for everyone (all. ten people into masadai anyway) but Personally To Me i just think the idea of them together is very funny. thats quite literally it im afraid..
#snap chats#//twenty page google doc in the background// ignore that. it's mostly for comedic purposes#might also be my fault idk sorry about that. allegedly. idk ive had like three people tell me they started to ship them cause of me 🧍‍♂️#@mementoasts is another person who's drawn masadai and whose stuff i love and am inspod by .. i love their disneyland fic sm ...#there was another artist on twitter who posted a neat drawing of them but i cant remember who they were and i didnt bookmark it //screams//#recently there's been ANOTHER masadai artist ive started following on twitter - @wifekiryu. his account's n/s/f/w fyi before you go looking#he has a tumblr too @foxdies. i say cause i realized as much recently vjeaKLGJALKGJ#oh but I GUESS ill get deeper into why. /i/ personally ship masadai or whatever#first off they're opposing factions yet their character alignments Do Not Match their roles. stereotypically anyway#aoki who leads the 'surface' of society and is meant to be an admirable figure and someone 'just' when really. he sucks LMAO#though that's not atypical of politicians but just from a stereotypical This Is A Respectable Individual perspective of his role#daigo on the other hand leads the 'underbelly' of society- yk comprised of dangerous criminals and outcasts and whatnot#yet as we know him daigo's compassionate and considerate of his men- he doesnt treat them like tools like aoki does#if put in a room with the two daigo would be most people's choice of person to hang out with. probably open a trapdoor on aoki tbh#and i think thats really cool and epic i always love that kinda Subverting Expectations thing#theres also the fact they both started off like. edgy/angsty in the franchise and then brush up down the line#masato does a stronger 180. publicly. obviously but its still really funny they both have to get their act together#if you wanna talk about in-text reasons. there really is none LMAO I TELLS YOU masadai is pure crack#but if i wanted to pull a muscle reaching then there's daigo being on aoki's side while everyone else is on arakawa's during the funeral#im lying of course. mitsu was behind him. rgg tryna make me forget mitsu exist .... put him back in y8 ....#and ofc ichi joins that side to even out the seating but moving on another Goofy Reason is arakawa being like#'the chairman and my son are like p much the same age Surely he knows how he thinks :)'#and then i just think daigo being all smarmy about outsmarting aoki is really goofy and im choosing to interpret that as personal#they both also have issues with their dad. s. dad/s/. anyway.#tbh the google doc tag was a joke but i really could sit here and list every dumb reason why i think theyre funny together#like i started going over the tag limit so uhhhh yeah needless to say i have a lot of. dumb reasons 💀💀💀💀#one day ill use the main text for long rambles like this but todays not that day Point Is my imagination is rampant im afraid#so the short and sweet of it is I Think It's Funny. And They'd Be Terrible Together. Which Is Why It's Funny.#and the unfortunate part is anything i find funny i obsess over for a year so. //gestures to the mountain of bullshit thats my masadai tag/
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altoskh · 7 months ago
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Imso tired man. I'm so tired. Why do I work this hard I am so FUCKING over this shit
#this other bitch out here like haha woopsie i forgot to clock out for lunch even though ive been out for two hours :)#guess ill leave early today! heehee#YOU DONT DO ANYTHING. YOU FUCKED ME OVER YET AGAIN#i am SO FUCKING SICK of this shit. why do I have to be the one to suffer#why do i have to be the person who doesnt get a say in fuck all even though im doing THE MOST WORK#and then i have to sit here and act like she fucking knows what shes talking about wrt animals#IM THE ANIMAL KEEPER. I KNOW WHATS GOING ON IN THIS DEPARTMENT BETTER THAN YOU#Im going crazy fucking insane right now#my coworker is out sick so ive had to do shit scheduled for three people. me. One person#and then im told shit like its just one class! ITS NOT#i have to break them up into two because its too big of a group#then i say ok we are doing reptiles over here#and shes like oh ummmm someone has it reserved for this time so can you do it in [place that is extremely loud]#and im like yeah ok fucking sure FINE#and then we get there and someone else is like ummmm we were told to est here for lunch by [her name]#and i radio her like UMMMM??????????#and shes like Oh woopsie i did tell them! you can do it at ummmm [3rd place]#im like yeah thanks for fucking wltting me know#Sorry im sorry thus is so extreme and petty but im like DROP DEAD#youve made my work life hell when it doesnt have to be because YOU SUCK AT YOUR JOB#FUCK!!!!!#YOU get to have a social life becaus you do whatever the FUCK YOU WANT#YOU get paid way more than me to do FUCK ALL#YOU dont have 30+ living beings depending on you every day#shut the fuck UP#I am so mad that i work so fucking hard and it doesnt fucking matter#so yeah sorry for starry spam but i think hes nice and right now the only thing keeping me from fucking losing it at work#along with a 1 min video of kookaburras im plahing over and over
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the-cooler-king · 6 months ago
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One of those texts I kind of need to sit on before I decide how I'm going to word it.
I never know how to start these, but I always have an idea on what to say. Your opinion of me actually matters a lot & the implication that you believe that I lie to you or I'm not doing enough is kinda hurtful. It comes across to me like my effort is worthless to you & that what I want doesn't matter at all. I wouldn't bring it up if I didn't think you cared, and I know you're going through a lot and shouldn't have to worry about me, but I'm getting mixed signals that are really throwing me off. What do you want from me? Am I asking too much of you and you don't know how to tell me? I sincerely want to be there for you, regardless of what it looks like to get to that point, but if you don't want me there you can tell me! What you want matters just as much, if not more, to me. I'm not the kind of person to be hostile about things if they don't work out. I don't want to be another source of stress or negativity for you, and I don't want you to be afraid of being honest with me. I constantly question if you're just too nice to tell me you aren't interested anymore, and even if you are, I might need more reassurance than you can give me because I don't think I'm very worth it to anyone for anything. If you don't think I'm trying hard enough then tell me what I need to do to change that! I'm at the point of just not knowing what I bring to your life, if anything at all. You don't need to deal with me on top of everything else, so, I'm sorry for this. Even if you don't text me back I'll feel better once I get it out there. The only thing I've ever been afraid of is not communicating exactly how much I care about you & how much you mean to me - even if it doesn't matter to you, or you don't believe me. If there comes a day where we aren't in each other's lives anymore for whatever reason, I don't want either of us to question what could've been said or done differently or regret not doing more.
#I'm gonna sleep on this one. This could be a Monday night text. Or tomorrow#I'll refine this better. I think it's important to stress the whole Gemini factor here#REALLY mixed signals. If you want me to go just say it#I don't have time for the bait and switch yknow#I don't even think he's aware. Micheal said it pretty straight up and I know he's probably right#But I will be goddamned if I don't give it my best and most honest shot.#I think about Sean a lot sometimes and how much I miss him. It could make me cry#I never got the chance to tell him anything. To show him I made it#He will NEVER get here. He will always be stuck when and where and how he died and that fucking kills me#That pain and raw grief are what keep me going at this point.... he will never experience life after that moment in time#And I am so scared that the same thing will happen to my s/o and he will walk into it with eyes open#And I can't communicate that fear to him. That profound sadness. Watching a movie over and over and hate the ending#It's *hard*. How many times can I watch it happen? How many times will it keep happening? Take my fucking revolution or whatever#I woke up angry today and im committed to being empty and full of resentment I think#I just want to talk to Sean. He would say the same thing micheal did I bet.#God I really miss him huh. Crying and shit or whatever. I don't have time for this#Sean would laugh at me for crying over some hot guy who I am clearly the side girl to#Lmao I would laugh too. Yeah. Get it together.#It's just another relapse so relax sit back and take a deep breath......
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stuck-in-the-ghost-zone · 8 months ago
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if one more person give me bad news tonight im going to (remembers suicide jokes are bad for my mental health) eat a bug and jump in The Lake
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girlthativealwaysbeen · 1 year ago
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im so tough when im alone and i make you feel so guilty and i fantasize about the time you're a little fucking sorry do you think i deserved it all your flowers filled with vitriol you have everything but you still want more and
#this whole fucking song god i need to dedicate to my dad#he never fucking planned to send me away on time he never cared enough always so fucking selfish#ive been here since the fucking 8th and it's been 10 full days and today when i asked ab main kya bolu office mein kyu nahi aa rahi#aur kabse aaungi they need a date#he's like yehi 5000 ki naukri ki padi hai kya padhai kar rahi hai ya nahi#you waited the entire fucking time i was here made me do all your fucking chores from literally 6 am in the morning till night continuously#to bring this up?? how fucking selfish do you have to be#now he's like make a goddamn schedule sit with me for 1 hr we'll make it and only then ill THINK about sending u back#fuck him fuck him so bad#idk why he makes me feel so weak and hurt#he wants me to study on my own plus the subjects they're teaching in tuition and idk man it's impossible i can barely keep up with tui#and whenever i tell him that he says you're just not trying hard enough and as soon as he says that the floodgates open this unbearable#lump in my throat forms#today too he asked why won't i follow it aise kaise chalega and my throat was so choked up i knew that one word and i would start crying?#and i didn't want to do that crying in front of him is never good it just makes him more angry violent even#i braved it out for like an hour and then finally he let me go to sleep then i cried peacefully for like half an hour#idk why can't i just tell him fight him jist say like an adult that ye mere bas ki baat nahi hai mujhse itna kuch nahi hoga#even typing this out is bringing tears to my eyes#maybe because it makes ne feel like a huge fuckinh failure a loser a fuckinh dumbass unintelligent lost unfocused#i feel like id be proving him right by admitting defeat he said ill fail again if i continue like this and im afraid he's right#and i fucking hate that i can't do it but literally everyone else around me can very fucking easily?????#everyone is so. normal okay chill relaxed#they do their homework they don't procrastinate they understand what's taught in class in first go#they're consistent they do it thru months whereas me i last like 2 weeks max then it all goes to shit without fail#and i hate being so weak esp in front of him cause i know he doesn't understand or is sensitive to weakness he only wants me#to be strong inhumane like a machine who never gets tired#im so scared of what ill say in office why doesn't he get it's bad for rep and they'll scold me?? and it's not a fucking naukri it's an#internship where im supposed to learn field work and it's literally fucking mandatory to do it to sit in the exams#i spend like 7 8 hours there how do u expect me to not make it a priority at all#im trying my fuckinh best okay but schedules are suffocating impossible i have no energy to do anything besides some hw after 7 pm
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violentdevotion · 2 years ago
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I had multiple dreams last night.
I had a bf </3
someone in my family got bit by a zombie </3
some guy made me explain narrative structure to him </3
#ameera speaks#1 expanded) it was someone ik in real life 😔 which sucks soooo bad anyway he was at mine and we were watching a movie in my bed on my#laptop < (loser behaviour) and okay so im lying by referring to him as my bf bc we were just friends in the dream but then he started like#acting well intimate and i wasnt not into it so i was like hey whats going on here and we had a talk and then i had to sneak him out of my#house. dream 2) zombie apocalypse im in my room my nephews and nieces come in and i usher them out. the world is the samw just + zombies.#like think covid when it was dire but schools were still open? (my dream was a commentary on the countries failures to manage covid) so i#usher my neohews and nieces out and i make a comment to my sister in law like ooh im scared one of them got bit and my nephew was like some#girl bit me at school today and i told his mum and i stayed in my room and like an hour later i rang her like whats the update#and she was like oh yeah and came into my room to find my journal on zombie stuff and sge was like should i just cut off his arm and i was#idk try but if that doesnt work youre gonna have to... and she was SO CASUALLL !!!! and as she was leaving she started like picking things#up off the floor and i made a comment like your sons dying and youre sweeping and she was like way harsh tai and i woke up#that one was a commentsry on covid and also how i might be too mean to my sister in laws sometimes#3) i was in a library with friends researching smth and some asian guy sits on our table turns his back to us and talks to his friends.#then he starts playing music loudly from his phone and i move back to my table and as im walking he stops me and starts talking to some#girl on the table next to mine who he knows and is like hey i have an assignment due where i have to write a compelling narrative from my#own life ur clever can u help and she was a stem girly and went highschool with me and she pointed at me like ask her she does english#and he was like no u just tell me and she started helping him but i felt the advice she was giving was.. bad. so i interrupted like dont#you think that you should do __ instead and we had a discussion about it till i woke up. < that dream was a commentary on how useless my#degree is and how i wish it wasnt useless
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inkskinned · 3 days ago
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you said you were stuck in a time loop, which was fine. i feel like late-stage capitalism has us all in a time loop, ammiright? you came barging in at 5:33. in the morning. i hadn't even processed the idea of coffee.
but you had this look of utter panic in your eyes. terror like the ocean. you grabbed my cheeks. im in a time loop.
i don't know why in movies the first reaction is to deny it. when someone is panicking like that, it's not appropriate to ask them to calm down. it didn't matter if i believed it, what mattered was that you believed it so much that it was consuming you.
so here we are. i pour you some of the dark roast. "you look like utter and entire hell," i say.
you push your fingers into your eyes. "you always say that."
i try to think of something funny to say that i wouldn't have said on previous time loops, but jokes don't land without the proper timing (lol). "remind me to think -"
"-yeah, of a joke that only works in the future. and before you say anything, i know you're pissed i just stole your punchline." you bolt the coffee, which is wild. it's very hot. you don't seem to notice.
i blow on mine to cool it down. i both am very pissed at you and also i can't see you in this amount of panic without wanting to help. but i'm also not really sure what we are, not since i saw you kiss her like that, no offense. it just was like, kind of rude when you knew i liked you.
and besides. i'm just like, barely a person. i write omegaverse fanfiction. i love the concept of a time loop, but what the fuck am i gonna do? send an alpha in there? i open my mouth.
you point at me. "you're about to ask why me. and then say some disparaging shit about yourself. i'm just a nerd who plays dnd or something. that self-own is slightly different each time." you sigh. "i know you think you can't really help me. i don't know who can help me. i only came to you because you fucking believe me." you check your watch, sigh, and throw your head back. you cover your eyes with one hand. "i've come here on 26 separate revolutions," you say. "you have believed me every time. and yeah, i have no idea how you fit into this but i just -" you sigh again. "i just like fucking talking to someone about it."
"do you need more cof-" i start, but you're already holding the empty cup out. i frown at it. "you're not getting any more until you promise not to bolt this one like an animal."
you laugh a little and sit up, pushing your hair out of your face. "okay, that's new dialogue. but to be fair to you, i'm not usually this rude. i'm still pretty new at all of this." you check your watch again. another sigh. i guess you're cruising for a personal best in the Sigh Olympics.
i almost tell you im not an NPC but i've played enough video games to know i'm very much an NPC. i pour you another cup. "so what happens in the loop?"
"really bad explosion." you mutter into the mug. you put your elbows on the table (rude) and bury your face in your arms like an angsty teenager. one hand floats up while you talk, because evidently you literally can't talk without your hands. "i have to save the day and there's this bomb and i have no bomb training and it keeps moving, you know."
"do i die?"
you peek up from your arms. "yeah. bigtime. you keep trying to run or stay or do anything and you always super die."
"oh."
"to be fair, like, everyone dies in it though.... so you're in good company."
i hate that you make me laugh. i hate that being around you always feels tingly and strange, this electric tension between us. something that is evidently (given how you stuck your tongue down a stranger's throat literally 3 days ago) (well. 3 for me) super one-sided. i take a sip of my coffee and close my eyes.
i die today, i guess. a little spark of panic starts at the top of my hands and starts whipping up my wrists.
"shit," you say. you look at your watch and jump to your feet. "i have to go. if i can come back, i will. i am still trying to figure out when is best to do everything, you know? the order of stuff. maybe morning isn't good for us."
i look up at you and think about how you keep kissing me in the back of my car and in alleyways and in the dark. and i can never fucking get a read on you. and i also think about how incredibly panicked you look. how broken. how long have you been doing this? "i don't want to die," i say.
you glance downwards. "well, you're not really dead, you'll come back in the loop."
"but i will have died." my hands are shaking. i am trying really hard to stay calm.
you push your hands through your hair again. "i really have to go. i will have this discussion with the next version of you, though. it is like, something i am thinking about."
"but i don't get a next version," i say. i don't really have the language for this, because i haven't had 26 tries with you. i only have my memories: you, a week ago. drunk and telling me you loved me in my ear. you, kissing her anyway. you, months ago, throwing up on my birthday, whispering to me i ruin everything i touch, always, over and over. please don't ask. i can't ever fucking have that be you.
i run my finger along the rim of the mug. "i don't want to die in this one."
you seem baffled by this. "i get that but - time will reset, you'll be fine, you won't even remember we talked about this."
"but i know now." i stand up too. "i have to live the rest of this day knowing i could die. knowing i probably am going to."
"you could always die, to be fair."
i feel my hands get out of control. "earlier, you said i always say a different insult about myself. what if you're just going through different parallel universes and those are all just different - but real - versions of myself? what if you're not in a time loop, you're in a fucking universe loop?"
"if it helps, i've wondered this too. also, you're hot in all of them. if that helps."
i point at you. "no flirting. i'm trying to figure out if i die today."
"who's flirting?" you catch my wild hands and give me that long, perfect smile. like we're in this together. "i won't let ya die." you check your watch and sigh again. "well. maybe not this time."
i grit my teeth. you are so not making quips at me while i try to explain the existential dread i'm having. "does the time loop reset if i fucking kill you?"
"honestly i don't know how long it continues after i die, because i just wake up. it could be that the loop goes until the explosion for everyone, and we're all in the loop, or it could be that when i die, the loop restarts. when i die i wake up, is all."
i pull away from you and stalk into the kitchen and start doing all 3 of my dishes. "okay, first, you know i was joking. and secondly, this is exactly my point. you don't know if this is just a parallel universe. maybe in the ones where you died, the explosion happened and nobody reset and it's just you travelling." i have to stop and push my heel into my eyeball. "... how often have you died?"
i look at you. you look at me. you give me this very sad, halfway smile and a little what can ya do shrug. something in that action seems so old and weary that i want to burst into tears.
"i have to go," you say. "really. for real. there's this family of five i save from getting into a car crash. and i know it's like oh but we're all gonna die in the explosion anyway, what's the point. and..." you shrug again. "it matters to me, is all. at least i saved them for now. at least i saved anything."
you pad over to me and wrap me in a tight hug. you always seem so tall against me. i feel your cheek rest against the top of my head for a moment. for a second, it's just us, and the space is warm, and my heart is a little broken hare.
you leave me there, and i stand in my stupid badly lit kitchen with my stupid mugs. i think about you. i start texting my mom that she needs to get out of the city, but it feels pointless.
i don't know what to do. tomorrow is the same day for you. but i have to prepare to die in my today.
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milo-is-rambling · 2 years ago
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How do me and my mother manage to get into a fight every fucking day I want to dieeeeee how have we fought about bullshit and it’s not even ten in the morning like what the fuck I’m so fucking miserable and no one likes me they all make fun of me I need to move out or I’m going to fucking ruin my life !!!!! (Also why won’t my fucking period just start so I can get all of these emotions to stop bothering me!!!)
#literally been home for less than three days and every interaction with my mother has felt like a punch to the gut#today she was bitching to me about my brother leaving his hoodie and his hat on/around the couch he sits on and my mom was bitching about#how he leaves his shit everywhere and whatever else and I was like dude you gotta cut him some slack yknow like he’s been used to living in#a dorm and having a living space where he could be a person and my mom proceeded to be like ‘he doesn’t live here’ AND IM LIKE HE DOES NOW#HE GRADUATED AND MOVED BACK HOME AND YOURE TREATING HIM LIKE A CHILD HE IS DOING ONLINE COURSES AND LOOKING FOR JOBS AND YOU TREAT HIM LIKE#A CHILD#UGHHHH#my mother then proceeded to once again tell me off for being bossy and telling her what to do and I’m sitting here like maybe you should try#fucking listening to me then and treating my brother like a part of the family instead of like company#I know he’s in the guest room technically but he’s part of this fucking family and you and I both have side tables to put shit on its not#his fault that he put his jacket on the couch he has no where else to put it he’s gonna wear it again next time he comes out like what the#fuck why is she such a bitch and then she gets mad at me like idk what you want from me#I used to never get along with my brother and now I’m defending him to you and you act like he’s the worst person ever#like why do you hate your children so much why do you love him but you hate me I’m so sick of crying over mommy issues#but if my mother could just like me that would be incredible I really feel like everyone hates me constantly and no one wants me around and#I try to defend my brother and be nice and it only makes my mother hate me so I just go into my room bc I’ve tried over and over again to be#nice to my mother and apparently I’m doomed to just fucking hate her and have everything I say be an insult or some nit picky bullshit bc my#mouth won’t stop saying whatever my brain is thinking and I keep apologizing and then I keep saying shit it’s like I have the happiest two#few days after months of being alone and miserable and then I come home and immediately it’s like my mother just no longer likes me#I feel like I’m stuck in perpetual coming home from a sleepover mode#do you guys remebrr that? coming home from a sleepover after being happy and your family would instantly make fun of you for being happy or#excited or wanting to talk about the sleepover and then you’d cry and go into your room and feel like shit bc everyone hates you and then#you’d start to assume that everyone at the sleepiver thought the same thing as your family and thought you were annoying and interrupting#their lives by being happy I mean whatttt haha yeah did that happen to anyone else or just me 😭👍👍👍👍#life recently feels like it’s ​me being happy vs me realizing joy doesn’t last vs me needing to ruin my own joy so someone else doesn’t do i#first. I have very strong need to hurt myself before someone else can energy but all it does is make sure I get hurt twice cause someone’s#always gonna hurt my feelings and not care so I should be showing myself compassion but all I want to do is tear my skin apart#been so fucking depressed since I got home I’m fucking miserable and my family hates me I hate everything and I’m so stressed I hate this#anyways 😭😭😭😭 can’t stop crying recently after not crying for months now talking about anything makes me cry and I hate it#I’m embarassing myself constantly bc I can’t hold back from crying
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sturniolohouse · 3 months ago
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Do Not Wait - M.S
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a/n: this got heavier than i planned initially but i just leaned into wherever the story took me. it's also very reader focused, which i realized way too late. but, do not fret, matt is still in it :) lmk if you'd like me to continue this as a series... i hope yall like it, im proud of it.
summary: while matt is away, reader learns and struggles with some unexpected news that will change both their lives forever.
warnings: mentions of pregnancy, vomit, blood, death, grief, panic attacks, cursing. (no use of y/n)
word count: 11.7k
song: do not wait - wallows
"And it gets worse before it gets better That's one thing that I have come to know Just so you know"
“I hate to leave you like this,” Matt sighs, pushing my hair out of my face as his dark silhouette sits beside me on the bed.
I lay curled up in a ball after spending majority of the night sick. I feel terrible because I kept Matt up when he had to be up early for his flight to Chicago today.
Despite my attempts to avoid disturbing him, he spent most of the night beside me, rubbing my back while I hunched over the toilet and bringing me water.
I toss and turn, unable to find a comfortable position as my restlessness and nausea worsen by the second.
Matt’s hand touches my forehead, gently pushing my hair back and mindlessly scratching my head. I sit up as another wave of nausea twists my stomach, and I take a deep breath, hoping to suppress it. Matt sits up behind me, his hand now rubbing my back as I lean over the side of the bed with my head between my knees.
Thankfully, a moment later the wave of sickness passes and I sit up straight with a small groan as my body aches.
“I’m going to sleep on the couch. I don’t want to get you sick, and you have to be up in a few hours,” I croak, but he protests, gently pulling me back into bed.
"I don't give a fuck. I'll sleep on the plane, you're staying right here,"
As the morning light begins to filter through the curtains, Matt’s alarm goes off. By then, we had maybe collectively slept an hour and I knew he must have been exhausted. He got ready quietly trying his best not to disturb me, but I was already awake.
I don’t think sleep is in the cards for me tonight.
He places the back of his hand on my forehead, then my cheek, his touch gentle and searching.
“You still don’t have a fever...I don’t know if that’s good or bad,” He sighs, his fingers sifting through my hair with a tenderness that makes my heart ache.
Even with the faint light of dawn as our only source, I can still make out his concerned expression as he scans my face.
“I've never been this sick before. It must be a bug,” My voice is hoarse from repeatedly throwing up.
“Please, stay here with Nick while I’m gone so you have someone to look after you. I’m gonna text him now so he sees it when he wakes up. God, I don’t even want to go anymore,” He wipes his hand down his face in stress and I shake my head.
“No, stop, don’t worry about me. I’m gonna be fine. I’ll stay here with Nick. Please don’t be late for your flight,” I insist, gripping his hand weakly. “I’m going to make some tea and try to get some rest.” I go to get up but he puts his hand on my shoulder.
“I’ll make you tea, while we wait for the Uber. What do you want, mint?” He asks softly, his hand rubbing up and down my hip.
I nod weakly, thanking him.
I doze off a bit while he goes to make my tea, the repercussion of not sleeping catching up to me. When I open my eyes again, he’s setting my steaming mug on the bedside shelf carefully and placing two advils next to it.
“Text me when you wake up? And let me know if you have to go to urgent care, I’ll send you an Uber.” He tells me softly, his voice trembling with an emotion he’s trying to hide.
His reluctance to leave is evident in every line of his face.
I nod tiredly, “Mm, text me when you and Chris land. Have fun in Chicago. I love you.”
“I love you,” He kisses my forehead, before grabbing his suitcase by his bedroom door and leaving.
I was able to sleep a couple of more hours before I woke up again, dry heaving into the toilet because I quite literally had nothing left in my stomach.
I showered, brushed my teeth and went into the kitchen, searching for something bland to settle my stomach. I had decided to grab a rice cake and made more mint tea before I sprawled out on the couch in one of Matt’s hoodies.
It’s not the first time he’s been away, but this time, I miss him more than I anticipated. Even the scent of his hoodie brings a wave of emotion that catches me off guard.
We’ve never been one of those couples that spends every second of every day together anyway. Not even when we first started dating. We’ve always given each other the space we need.
But I must admit I could go for one of his hugs right now.
It’s around 10 AM when Nick comes down stairs and his face tells me everything I need to know about my appearance.
“I know, I look like shit.” I deadpan and he covers his mouth with wide eyes.
“I got Matt’s texts...I thought that motherfucker was being dramatic. Are you feeling any better?” He asks with a hand on his chest.
“Well, I haven’t thrown up in three hours, so that’s a new record. Your poor brother, I kept him up all night,”
“He'll live, do you want to go to urgent care?”
“No, I’ll wait it out. It’s gotta pass and I was able to keep my breakfast down.” I wave a hand.
Nick goes to make his own breakfast, slicing an apple before coming over to sit on the couch with me.
“Apple?” He offers me, munching on his own bite.
I decline shaking my head with a frown.
Nick wanted to watch Love Island, so I let him change the TV, feeling my eyelids grow heavy. As the sounds of the show filled the room, I found myself dozing off, giving in to the rest my body needs.
When I wake up, I have a blanket over me and Nick is editing on his laptop.
He notices me move and takes his headphones off one ear.
“Hey, you feeling better? Matt keeps pestering me for updates,” He shows me his phone with messages from a worried Matt.
I sigh, “Jesus...I’ll call him. But yes, I feel better now that I've gotten some sleep.” I get up and stretch my body, wincing at my achy muscles.
“How long was I out?” I ask grabbing my phone to see my own set of messages from Matt.
Kid worries too much.
“About 3 hours, you were knocked out. I’m gonna order food, are you hungry for anything?” He asks and my stomach rumbles at the thought of one food.
“I could fuck up some tacos right now,” I raise an eyebrow at him at my suggestion.
“I like the way you’re thinking.” He snaps his fingers pointing at me in agreement.
“Birria tacos for me and a Diet Coke. I’ll be right back, I’m gonna go call your brother before he has a heart attack.” I say walking to Matt’s room and calling him.
He picks up on the first ring.
“Hey,” He breaths out, his voice soft.
“What did I tell you about worrying about me?” I tease him and he laughs, sounding relieved.
"Hi!" I heard Chris shout in the background, before I heard a door close and Matt sigh. I'm guessing he went into a separate room.
“If you saw the state you were in before I left this morning, you’d be worried too. I take it you’re feeling better? Heard you napped,” He speaks up again, talking at a normal volume now.
“I was physically feeling the state I was in. But, yeah, a little better after my nap. How was your flight?” I ask, playing with the trinkets on his shelves.
“Besides me worrying the entire flight about you dehydrating and dying? Fine. A little turbulence, but nothing crazy.”
“Okay, drama, relax. I’m staying hydrated, I’ve napped, Nick and I are about to order some tacos. It must have just been a bug. I must admit, you're very cute when you worry about me though.” I smile and he hums shly.
A beat of silence goes by and I look at the photobooth picture of Matt and I on his wall.
“I miss you,” I admit to him, leaning down to inhale the collar of his sweatshirt on me.
“I miss you too. You know I haven't even been gone 12 hours though,” He reminds me, sounding amused at my unexpected sappyness.
I sigh, “I know,”
Suddenly I have a lump of emotion in my throat and he automatically hears the switch of my tone.
“Hey woah, what happened? Why are you upset?” He sounds panicked.
“Oh my god, sorry. I don’t know. I’m not even sad,” I choke back my tears.
“Doesn’t sound like it.." He doesn't sound convinced. "Do I need to come home?" He says next and I'm immediately objecting.
“What! No. Matt, I promise I’m fine.” I tell him quickly, taking off my hoodie as I begin to overheat.
“I love you... I’ll be back before you know it, okay? S'nothing we haven’t done before.” He reminds me softly and my bottom lip wobbles.
“Mhm,” I manage to get out and he sighs again.
“Sweetheart... You’re telling me not to be worried, but I’m beyond worried. Can you please tell me what’s wrong?” He pleads and I shake my head even though he can't see me.
“I honestly couldn’t tell you...I-i think I just needed to cry, and missing you isn’t helping because I wish I could hug you but you’re so f-far,” I hiccup.
“Okay, deep breaths, how about you take a nice hot shower–maybe a bath. Use Nick’s bath and when you’re done, you can eat your tacos and you’ll feel better. Okay? Listen, Chris and I are about to leave for dinner, are you going to be alright?” He checks in, sounding hesitant to hang up.
“Yes, I’m fine. Seriously. I’m sorry. I must be starting my period soon.” I compose myself, trying to ignore the sudden ache in my heart.
“It’s okay,” he says softly, his voice gentle and sweet.
Any other time, he’d be teasing me for being a crybaby—lovingly, of course—but I think he senses that my emotions are genuinely beyond my control right now.
“I love you,” he says again with emphasis, wanting to hear me say it back.
“I love you, so much," I say weakly, "Have fun at dinner and tell Chris I said hi.” I tell him, wiping my eyes.
“Will do. I’ll call you when we get back.” He says goodbye, hanging up.
I take a deep breath and I shake my head, feeling frustrated with my poorly-timed emotions. I feel terrible for worrying him more, I wanted this trip for him to be fun. Chris had really been looking forward to going with Matt—it had become a sort of tradition for the two of them. I need to get my emotions under control.
I wince again as I feel the heaviness and soreness in my breasts. Sighing, I go to my phone and check my period app to see when this torture will be over.
My stomach drops when I open the app and see I'm 13 days late.
My head feels dizzy suddenly and I pinch my eyes closed as the pit in my stomach spurs on more nausea. I lay back and put my arm over my eyes and take deep breaths.
My mind races, but I can’t seem to focus on one thought.
No, I can’t be.
I’m just stressed, that’s all.
I have an IUD, it's not possible.
But everything's adding up; the nausea, heightened emotions, late period...
I sit up slowly, feeling the weight of the realization settle on me. My heart pounds in my chest and I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to block out the flood of emotions threatening to drown me. But there’s no escaping this.
With trembling hands, I go to call Matt back, my thumb hovers over the call button but I stop myself. He’s going to dinner right now, on the opposite side of the country.
I can't burden him with this, not when I don’t even know for sure.
Dropping my phone onto the bed beside me, I try to self soothe, taking deep breaths to steady myself, but the anxiety is relentless.
I walk out of the room and Nick is asking me what kind of salsa I want with my tacos before he looks up at me. He immediately furrows his brows in worry.
“Hey–what's going on, are you okay?” He sits up and places his laptop on the coffee table.
“I-I can't breath,” I gasp, reaching out for him, feeling like a little kid.
He instantly stands up, wrapping his arms around my shoulders.
“What’s happened? Deep breaths, big deep breaths. There you go,” He rubs my back and I breath deeply with him.
My cheek smushed into his chest as I listen to the beating of his heart to help ground me. I pull away, still trembling and shake my head, unsure if I should even be telling Nick this.
This should be Matt.
Nick's eyes search mine, sensing my hesitancy. “You don’t have to talk if you’re not ready,” he says softly, his hands rubbing my shoulders.
I bite my lip, feeling a mix of guilt and desperation.
I don’t want to drag Nick into something so personal, but this is too overwhelming to keep bottled up.
“I… I think I might be pregnant,” I finally whisper, the words barely escaping my lips.
Saying it out loud makes it feel all the more real, and the weight of it presses down on me like a ton of bricks.
Nick’s expression shifts from worry to shock, his mouth falling agape and silence ringing between us. Once he hears me whimper, he snaps out of it and brings me back into a bone crushing hug.
"Shh, okay–it's okay, um…” His voice wavers, and I can feel his heart racing against my cheek.
For a moment, it seems like he’s trying to find the right words, but all that comes out is a nervous laugh.
“This is… wow, this is big. I'm sorry– I don't know what else to say right now,” His voice high pitched and shaky.
I can’t help but let out a shaky laugh with him, even through my anxiety.
“Yeah, big,” I agree, my voice barely above a whisper.
Nick pulls back just enough to look at me, his uncertainty showing in the way his eyes dart around, trying to process everything at once.
“I mean, I’m no expert on this—obviously—but we'll figure this out. You're gonna be okay, everything's gonna be okay.”
His reassurance is genuine, but I can see he's trying to convince himself too; a flicker of doubt in his eyes.
This is uncharted territory for both of us.
Nick and I had decided to order the tests along with the food, killing two birds with one stone. He’s doing his best to stay calm for my sake, but the trembling of his hands as he places the order is hard to miss.
"Okay, tacos and tests are on the way. I got, well, all of them because I don't know which one is best. I even got ice cream. Fuck, when did it get so hot in here? I'm overheating–are you overheating?" He says, his words moving a mile a minute as he fans himself with his shirt.
I can't help but to laugh as his nerves show and he shakes his head.
"I'm sorry, I know you're the one potentially knocked up by my idiot brother but I'm just so nervous. I'm sweating like a monster," His voice cracks.
"Do you mind if I use your bath?" I ask and he nods right away.
“Are you kidding? Of course, go ahead. Someone has to use it. I’m gonna…Well, I’ll just wait out here and try to chill.” He gives me a quick, reassuring smile, though it’s clear he’s still on edge.
I head to his bathroom and try to forget about my racing thoughts.
I turn the faucet on and put in some bath salts, checking the temperature before I step over to the vanity mirror. I take a look at my appearance and notice the puffiness in my face right away. My cheeks are flushed and my eyes are bloodshot.
I blow out a raspberry as I undress and get into the hot water.
The heat soothes my aching muscles and clears my mind. I soaked for a while, even draining a bit of the water and refilling the tub with more hot water. Once I feel myself pruning, I decide it's time I get out.
As I dry myself off, I notice light blood on the towel. My heart races, and I quickly check again—I'm bleeding. Very lightly, but there’s blood.
Relief floods through me, and I almost cry again, this time from the emotional whiplash. My legs feel shaky, so I sit down on the edge of the tub to steady myself, my breath coming out in shaky bursts.
Clutching the towel to my chest, I close my eyes and let out a long, relieved sigh.
“Thank God,” I whisper, feeling tears prick at the corners of my eyes.
I try not to dwell on the small part of me that almost wanted to feel disappointed. Maybe even mourning the part of me that might have embraced being pregnant–excited, even.
Instead, I focus on center of my emotions, the part where a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Eventually, I pull myself together, cleaning myself up and getting dressed.
When I step out of the bathroom, Nick is on his bed, clearly trying to keep himself distracted. My eyes go to the food and the tests at the foot of the bed.
As soon as he sees me, he shoots up, his expression immediately shifting to one of concern.
“You okay?” he asks, his voice soft. I nod, a small smile breaking through the lingering anxiety.
“I’m okay,” I say, my voice a little shaky. “I uh…I got my period, I think,”
Nick’s face lights up with relief, his shoulders visibly relaxing. “Oh, thank God,” he shouts, “This is great fucking news—right?” He checks in and I nod.
“Yeah,” I agree, feeling a little dazed by how quickly everything has turned around. “I think we’re in the clear. We won't be needing those tests, I'll pay you back for them,"
Nick ignores me, pulling me into a bear hug, his arms so tight around me, I can barely breath.
“Shut up I don't care,” he says, “You don't have a parasite in you!" He cheers, jumping us up and down.
We both let out laughs, the tension that had been looming over us now replaced with a lightness.
“Let’s eat,” I suggest, letting out a breath I didn't know I was holding.
Nick nods, "Couldn't agree more,"
We sit on his bed and for the first time all day, I feel like I can actually breathe.
As we dig into the tacos, Nick puts Love Island back on and we rot in bed for a few hours.
But even as we talk and laugh, there's still a pit in my stomach. A small portion of me can’t shake the feeling that this isn’t over yet.
Yeah, there's was blood. But it was different than my normal period. It was lighter.
I try not to panic, but I can't help but feel like my intuition is trying to tell me something. For now, I push my thoughts aside, focusing on Nick beside me yelling at the annoying horny people on his TV.
Nick offered for me to sleep in his room but I declined, wanting to sleep in Matt's bed.
Matt never called me, but he texted me apologizing and checking in on me. I listened to a voice memo he sent me of all they did today and I was genuinely glad he was having fun, so I didn't mind him not calling.
Plus, I'm not entirely sure I'm in the right state of mind to have a conversation with him right now. I wouldn't be able to keep today's events to myself.
I know I can’t keep him in the dark—I need to tell him what’s going on.
I glance at the stack of tests on his dresser and sigh. The bleeding from earlier has stopped, leaving me with a pit in my stomach.
I know I’ll have to take those tests, even if only for clarity. But for now, I’m going to force myself to sleep.
I find myself in a place that feels both familiar and strange. It's warm, the sun showering the garden and I immediately know I'm in my grandmother's backyard.
The breeze picks up, carrying the scent of blooming flowers—lilies, hyacinths, peonies, and marigolds—enveloping me in a peacefulness that feels like a comforting blanket.
I walk along the familiar stone path, my fingers grazing the soft petals of the flowers. Each step feeling like a compelling, magnetic pull, guiding me deeper into the garden.
I see her then–my grandmother, seated on a wooden bench beneath the shade of the large oak tree I used to climb as a child.
My breath hitches, she doesn't look sick. Her smile is lively, her cheeks rosy and the green in her eyes vibrant.
But there’s something else different, a kind of ethereal glow about her that sends a chill down my spine.
“Come here, my girl,” she says, her voice soft and inviting.
I walk over to her, feeling a strange mix of emotions: comfort, longing, and an inexplicable sadness.
I sit down beside her and she takes my hand in hers, her touch warm and reassuring.
“I’ve missed you,” I say, my voice thick with emotion, unable to fathom her not sick in a hospital bed.
She smiles, her eyes full of love. “I haven't gone anywhere."
There’s a pause as I try to process her words, but then she looks at me knowingly, another shiver down my spine.
"You're glowing," She hums, tucking my hair behind my ear.
I look at her confused until she places a hand to my stomach. My breath hitches and I can't control the tear that rolls down my cheek.
I shake my head in disbelief, "How...d-do you know?" I whisper, my voice getting lost in the intoxicating breeze.
It's then that I feel a deep flutter in my stomach, one that I can't describe.
I place my hand over my grandmother's that still rests on my stomach. The flutter intensifies, my heart mimicking the pattern as warmth blooms in my chest. The feeling is overwhelming.
An unexpected, joyous sob escapes my lips before I can stop it, tears blurring my vision.
“You're both going to be okay,” My grandmother says softly, gently wiping away my tears.
My lip wobbles and I let out a shaky breath before she speaks up again.
“She’s strong too, just like you.”
“She..?” I squeak. My grandmother’s smile returns, softer this time and she nods.
A wave of shock and confusion washes over me, but before I can ask more, the garden begins to fade. The colors bleeding into each other until everything is a swirl of light.
Her voice echoes as the dream dissolves, “Don't be afraid, Petal.”
I shoot up, my heart racing, my face soaked in tears and my body covered in a cold sweat. I feel disoriented as I take in my surroundings and my mind tries to grasp the remnants of the dream.
My grandmother’s face, her words, the fluttering in my stomach. But now, that fluttering has turned into a twisting feeling in my gut.
Something was wrong.
My phone buzzes, startling me out of my tangled, fuzzy thoughts. My hands tremble slightly as I reach for my phone.
It’s my mom.
“Hello?” I answer, my voice thick with sleep and confusion.
There’s a pause on the other end, and then my mom’s voice comes through, shaky and heavy with emotion.
“Honey...I'm sorry I'm calling you so early, but it’s Grandma....Sh-she passed in her sleep early this morning.”
The words hit me like a punch in the gut, and for a moment, I can’t breathe. She continues to talk but I can't hear her, my ears ring and time slows down.
A flood of emotions overcome me.
Grief, shock, and the strange sense that the dream was more than just a figment of my imagination.
As the reality of her passing sinks in, I’m left with the weight of her final words to me. She was telling me something important, something I can’t ignore anymore.
My stomach twists again and I bolt to the bathroom where I throw up until I'm dry heaving into the toilet.
-
I'm not even shocked when the test immediately shows up positive. I stare blankly at the two pink lines, the only hint of emotion is the tremor in my hand as I grab the test and chuck it into the trash can.
I feel numb.
Staring at my reflection in the mirror, I see the emptiness in my eyes, the darkness encasing them. The person staring back is a stranger.
I'm pregnant.
I should be feeling joy, maybe even excitement—I want to at least, but all I feel is nothing. My experience overshadowed by my grief. By the anomaly of this situation, how this could have happened.
I have an IUD, I was bleeding, but here we are.
I wanted Matt to be the first to know, to share in that moment with him, but now everything feels wrong, out of order.
I feel robbed of the happiness I should be feeling.
I step into the shower and let the scalding hot water claw at my skin. I finally let myself break down, grief rattling through me and slicing me open.
My dream replays in my mind over and over again. My grandmother's eyes, her warmth, her words, her hand on my stomach.
“You’re both going to be okay,”
My hand instinctively goes to my stomach. I press my palm into my abdomen, expecting to feel that flutter, desperate to feel any sort of connection with the life that's there–to cling to the intense joy from my dream...but there's nothing.
It was ripped away from me from the moment I woke up.
“She’s strong too, just like you,”
I whimper, the sound dissolving into the rush of the water.
I don’t feel strong. I feel weak.
My grandmother told me not to be afraid, but I can’t escape this overwhelming anxiety, the suffocating uncertainty that engulfs me.
The tightness in my chest, the heaviness in my heart, the deep-seated guilt that festers within me.
I cry and cry and cry until I can’t anymore, until the tears run dry, leaving only the ache in my chest.
When the water turns cold and the sun fully rises, is when I finally get out. My feet drag beneath me as I walk back into Matt's room and get dressed.
I pull on one of Matt's crewnecks and some sweats before I go into the kitchen to make a tea.
I make myself an Earl Grey, my grandmother's favorite.
I sit down at the dining table and book the first flight back home to Maine, which is tomorrow morning. My mom and I spoke again and she told me the funeral isn't until next week, but I wanted to be there for her. I couldn’t stay here right now.
My stomach growls loudly and I press my palms into my eye sockets. I suppose I should really eat something with substance, especially now.
I grab the berries from the fridge that are in their last leg, washing them before forcing myself to eat. The tartness of the blueberries sparks a memory of helping my grandmother make blueberry pancakes on Sunday mornings. I smile sadly at the fond memory of being her little sous chef.
When 7 AM rolls around, restlessness overtakes me and I step outside, sitting in the front stoop before calling Matt.
"You're up early," His voice thick with sleep as he greets me through the line.
"Hey," I say weakly, letting out a sigh as I gaze up at the clear sky. There's not a single cloud in sight.
"What's wrong?" His tone immediately shifts to concern.
"Matt... my grandma passed this morning," I start, my voice trembling slightly.
I omit the dream and the positive pregnancy test in his bathroom, grateful that he can't see my face.
There's a heavy sigh on the other end. "I'm so sorry. I know she was sick for a while... Are you doing okay? How's your mom?"
"I'm... managing. And my mom, she's actually doing okay. I think we're all relieved in a way, you know? It was only a matter of time. I'm just glad she's not suffering anymore," I navigate my feelings about her passing, my voice surprisingly steady.
"Of course," His voice is so soft, fueling my longing for his touch.
"Do you think…there's any way you can change your flight on Tuesday to go to Maine? The funeral isn’t until next Thursday, but I’m getting there tomorrow afternoon." I ask, playing with a loose string on my sweatpants.
"Of course, I'll look at flights right now," he responds without hesitation.
"Thank you, I just....I need you there," I tell him, feeling a tightness in my chest when I avoid mentioning the conversation we need to have.
"I'll be there. I found a flight that will get me there tomorrow night."
"Matt–" I start to protest.
"I already changed it. No refunds," He cuts me off, his voice firm. "Sweetheart, you need me, I'm not going to make you wait until fucking Tuesday."
"What about the rest of your trip? You'll miss the rest of the festival, and Chris–" I try and reason with him.
"Listen to me carefully...I don't give a fuck about the festival. You need me there, and I'm going to be there. Chris will be fine, he's a big boy. He has Sam here with him and they'll fly back to LA together," His tone leaving no room for argument, his mind was made up.
A small, grateful smile tugs at my lips as tears well up in my eyes.
"I love you," I manage to say, my voice trembles with emotion.
"I love you, so much it hurts. I wish I could hug you right now but I'll see you tomorrow, okay? I’m gonna go talk to Chris, text me or call me if you need me. I mean it, kid."
“I will,” I promise, ending the call and looking up at the sky again, wrapping my arms around myself as the cool morning air brushes against my skin.
I take a deep breath, the air filling my lungs grounding me. As I exhale, I try to focus on the one thing I know for sure—I may not feel strong, but I need to be and not just for myself, but for the life growing inside of me.
My grandmother's words echo in my mind.
"Don't be afraid, Petal."
Nick wakes up shortly after, only taking one look at me before I’m breaking down again—the weight of everything crashing down on me like another tidal wave.
I tell him everything, my dream, my grandmother's passing, I show him the positive pregnancy test.
I cry into his chest, feeling overwhelmed.
"I'm just s-so confused," I manage to say between sobs. "In my dream, I was so happy... everything felt right. I felt connected with..." My words trail off, dissolving into incoherent blubbering.
Nick just listens, rubbing my back in slow, soothing circles.
"Listen," he begins softly, "your body is under a lot of stress right now. You just found out about your grandma, and then this very unexpected news on top of it… Every single emotion you’re feeling is normal, and 100 percent valid. But you have so many people by your side who love you and will help you through this, no matter what you decide..."
I sniffle, trying to regulate my breathing as I take in his words.
"I'm angry, too," I admit, my voice cracking with the strain of holding it all in. "This is so unfair. The timing of this couldn't be worse... I can't even talk to Matt and I feel awful keeping this from him. He shouldn't have to find out like this."
"Everything is going to be okay, deep breaths," Nick repeats, his voice calm as he helps me process the flood of emotions.
I blow out a raspberry, pulling back and running my hands down my face in frustration. When I look at him, he's watching me cautiously, trying to read my expression.
"I'm pregnant," I say softly, the words finally leaving my lips for the first time.
A mix of emotions swirls in my chest and stomach—fear, uncertainty, a strange kind of acceptance.
Nick nods slowly, his eyes still scanning my face, and for a moment, I find myself imagining if this was me telling Matt.
More dread fills me.
How will he react? Will he be the support I need?
We’ve talked about having kids before. They were always in the cards for us, but never this soon.
We only just started to discuss getting our own place and now our lives are going to be changing forever.
Nick helped me pack as I tried to arrange a last-minute appointment to confirm my pregnancy, which proved to be quite the ordeal.
The receptionists initially inform me that they didn't have any openings for weeks. However, when I mention the IUD and a positive pregnancy test, the urgency in their voice shifted dramatically.
They told me to come in right away.
The urgency in the receptionists voice on the phone didn’t help my nerves. Neither when they took me straight into an examination room the minute I told them my name.
They take my vitals, draw my blood and give me a cup to pee in.
I left Nick in the waiting room, dressing down into the gown they placed neatly on the exam chair. I look around at the diagrams of the fetuses and the posters of the development. I’ve seen these countless times and never thought twice, but this time I feel unsettled.
I swallow thickly and sit on the loud crinkly paper with the anticipation of the doctor coming in soon.
There’s a soft double knock on the door before a head of wild, curly hair peeks in.
“Hello, hello. I’m Dr. Sullivan,” She says washing her hands and sitting down on the swivel stool next to the examination chair.
The woman has a mane of big, unruly curls that frame her face, with chunky black square-framed glasses perched on her slightly humped nose, drawing attention to her bright hazel eyes. A wide smile, complete with a distinctive gap between her two front teeth, radiates warmth and adds to her quirky charm. She almost seems like a character out of a cartoon—lanky, with an energetic, bouncy stride that matches her bubbly personality. She can't be much older than my mother.
"So, you are in fact pregnant. The lab results confirmed the presence of HCG, which is the hormone produced during pregnancy. "
“Do you have any idea how this happened? I mean, obviously I know how it happened but, I have an IUD.” I say, still trying to wrap my head around the situation.
She nods dramatically, her lips pressing into a line as she listens to my concerns.
“Unfortunately, no birth control is 100 percent effective. In most cases, the IUD might have been displaced, or in some instances, the body rejects the device without you knowing. I actually would like to get clarity on that with an ultrasound, but I think it’s important for you to know the risks of this scenario here.” She says, turning slightly more serious.
“Risks?” I ask, my voice barely above a whisper.
“Yes,” she says softly, “There is a possibility that, due to you having an IUD, this pregnancy may not be viable. Having an IUD increases the risk of what we call an ectopic pregnancy... are you familiar with that term?” Her hazel eyes lock onto mine and I shake my head, my heart starting to pound.
“Well, because you have a contraceptive device in the space where a fetus would normally develop, there's a risk that the pregnancy could occur outside the uterus. Typically the egg will implant itself in the fallopian tubes, which cannot host a safe or viable pregnancy...And if not treated immediately, the tube can rupture and cause internal hemorrhaging," She explains gently, carefully choosing her words to convey the seriousness of the situation.
I feel my heartbeat in my ears now as I process her words.
"So you're saying, this can be life threatening...for me and the..." My throat closes up and I can't finish my sentence.
She must take notice of the panic in my face, her round eyes widening slightly.
"If it goes untreated, yes. But I don't say this to make you panic, you're in good hands and whatever happens, we will take the next steps together." She places a hand on my knee, giving the tissue box so I can dry my uncontrollable tears.
"Based on your last period, you should be about seven weeks along. This ultrasound will confirm that and also ensure the pregnancy is positioned in the uterus. Before we proceed, I'd like to ask you a few questions... do you need a minute?" she asks gently, noticing my unease.
I hiccup and shake my head. "N-no, I'll be okay. Sorry," I mumble, wiping my nose.
"Don't apologize," she says kindly, giving me a moment to collect myself anyway, which I appreciate.
For a moment, I consider calling Nick in, but I decide against it. Even though we're close, this may be a little too personal, even for him and I.
"Have you been experiencing any cramping or discomfort in your back or abdomen?" She asks and typing my answer into the computer as I tell her no.
"Any spotting or bleeding?"
"I had some light bleeding last night, it only lasted maybe an hour... I had thought it was my period, but I knew something was off." I explain to her and she nods.
"That was most likely implantation bleeding, which is normal. It can be light spotting of blood, or some women experience heavy bleeding, similar to a period." She continues to take her notes before looking to me again, "Any tenderness in your breasts?"
"Oh, for sure. My breasts have been very sore the past few days,"
"Any nausea or vomiting?"
"Yes, the last couple of days–especially at night, I've been vomiting. I haven't really been sleeping well because of it."
"Yeah, the term 'morning sickness' is misleading... It can happen any time of day, you seem to be experiencing yours during the evening. Any other symptoms you've noticed that you'd like to note?" She asks and I try to think of some things.
"Uhh, I guess I've been more tired than usual, but I chalked that up to being up all night sick...I've also been getting hot flashes recently and I've definitely been more emotional,"
"These are all good to note, thank you very much," She pushes her glasses up the bridge of her nose before typing again.
She swivels herself back towards me, smiling warmly.
"We'll go ahead with the ultrasound now. But to get an accurate picture, we're going to do a transvaginal ultrasound, if that's okay with you."
"Okay, that's fine," I say, shakily.
She pulls the ultrasound cart to toward her before standing to move the stirrups into place so I can place my feet into them. She places a privacy cloth over me and I take a deep breath.
She puts a covering on the sheath of the ultrasound wand and places lubricant on the top of it. She taps a few buttons on the computer, calibrating the machine before turning towards me with a reassuring smile.
"So this will feel cold and you might feel a little pressure but if you feel any discomfort don't be afraid to tell me." She informs before placing the device inside to create the image.
I try not to wince and try to relax as much as possible. I go to look toward the screen but she has it faced towards her, so I opt to reading her facial expressions.
Dr. Sullivan adjusts her glasses by putting them on the tip of her nose and tilting her head back to get a better view.
She's quite animated with her expressions, her mouth opening slightly in concentration as she looks over the screen.
Although I can't see what she's looking at, she seems pleased, which is a relief.
"Okay, so good sign so far, I see your IUD," Dr. Sullivan says, leaning forward and pointing to the screen. "I can clearly see that it's sitting at the top of your cervix. It’s shifted down and away from your uterus. Do you happen to experience heavy cramping during your cycle?" she asks, her fingers tapping some buttons on the monitor.
"Yes, I do," I reply, the worry still gnawing at me.
She nods thoughtfully. "That could explain the displacement. Sometimes, intense cramping can cause the IUD to shift from its original position. It’s not common, but it does happen. It’s good that we’ve caught it now."
"I see the embryonic sac in, from what I can tell, a great spot. You're measuring at about 6 or 7 weeks along. Size of a blueberry." She says and I stop breathing.
I don't even hesitate to say yes as she asks if I would like to see.
My eyes are glued to the screen as I follow where her finger points, focusing on the grainy image. There it is—a tiny black oval with an even tinier dot in the middle. It's so small, I almost think I'm looking at the wrong thing.
“That’s... them?” I whisper, my voice barely audible as I try to comprehend the sight in front of me.
Dr. Sullivan nods, her expression tender. "That's your baby. It's early, but everything looks promising..."
"Really?" I squeak, still in disbelief, my throat tightening with sudden emotion as more tears fall down my face.
Relief— as she nods in confirmation, handing me the tissue box again.
Hope— as she zooms in, showing me the flickering of the heartbeat.
Joy—as I hear the heartbeat, feeling it sync with the thumping of my own.
For the first time since my dream, I feel joy, something beyond the crippling dread that had loomed over me all day. My heart swells and then bursts as I continue to stare at the flickering dot on the screen, blinking away the tears that blur my vision.
I breathe in shakily before a laugh escapes through a sob.
"Nice strong heartbeat, everything looks as it should... this looks like a healthy pregnancy," Dr. Sullivan announces, gently removing the ultrasound wand but keeping a looped video on the screen, allowing me a few more moments to take it all in.
"She's strong too, just like you,"
"So, the next step—for your safety—would be to remove the IUD today," she continues, her tone calm yet serious. "We can also discuss your options moving forward, including your decision on whether or not you would like to continue with the pregnancy. It's important to weigh all the possibilities and make the choice that's right for you."
"I-I'm gonna continue the pregnancy. It was in no way planned, but–"
"You don't need to explain...I had a feeling" She dismisses me gently, giving me a knowing smile, "I guess this calls for a congratulations,"
"Thank you," I say just above my breath, warmth still blooming through my chest.
After Dr. Sullivan removes my IUD, she tells me to dress while she steps out to calculate my due date.
I stare at the printed ultrasound picture, my heart swelling with a fierce protectiveness. I’m not worried about the complications or uncertainties ahead right now. All that matters is this life inside me.
I feel much stronger than I did merely hours ago.
My due date was February 7th, the same as my grandmother’s birthday.
I had landed in Maine a few hours ago, my mom and I were organizing all of my grandma's belongings. We spent the afternoon together, grabbing lunch before heading over to my grandmother's house.
The house always felt like a time capsule, preserving every memory. The duck wallpaper in the dining room, the scent of pine and clove, the worn couch cushions, her miniature schnauzer figurine collection, and the framed pressed flowers from her children’s weddings—everything was always in its rightful place. It always looked the same.
Memories of me and my siblings spending weekends here whirling behind my eyelids as I inhale the familiar scent.
It evokes a bittersweet feeling.
We keep the mood light, sharing stories with each memory we packed away. I still saw the flicker of sadness in my mom's eyes, even through her laughter as we reminisced.
Sitting on the carpet in the living room, we go through the boxes full of pictures to put together a collage for the funeral. I come across a picture of my mother pregnant with my older brother.
It's a candid photo in the kitchen of my grandmother's house, her hand resting on her swollen belly that pokes out the bottom of her blue shirt, a soft smile on her face. My grandmother is beside her, beaming with pride, tying an apron around her waist.
My mother looked so young, her freckles prominent on her flushed cheeks and her smile crinkling the corners of her eyes.
I was always told I looked more like my dad, but seeing her like this, so close to my own age now, I can't help but notice the resemblance.
My mom notices my pause and looks over my shoulder. "That was just a few weeks before your brother was born," she says softly, her voice laced with nostalgia. "Your grandmother knew we were having a boy from the moment we told her,"
Her words send a chill down my spine.
I linger on the photo, feeling a wave of emotion rise up at the mention of my grandmother as the weight of my own news presses heavier on my chest.
"Were you really sick, when you were pregnant?" I ask, lowly.
She hums in thought, "With your brother? Only for maybe the first few weeks. With you though? Forget about it, I was sick everyday for months."
I stay silent for a moment, studying another photo of my mom and dad in the hospital room with my brother the day he was born. My mom is in the hospital bed, looking tired but radiant, while my dad is crouched next to her, gently cradling my brother in his arms.
"He was so bald," I laugh softly, and my mom chuckles beside me.
"His hair was so blonde, it was practically see-through. Your father called him 'egghead' for the first two months of his life," she says, shaking her head and rolling her eyes with a smile.
I look at the photo again, my gaze lingering on my mom's face. Her expression is filled with such warmth and love as she looks at my dad.
"How did you tell dad? You guys were both pretty young," I ask and she stifles a laugh.
"We actually found out together in a gas station bathroom..." She starts off with a slightly shameful smile, "I had been so sick on our camping trip with your aunt and uncle, so I decided on our way back home to take a test. We were shocked to say the least, but we were happy," She shrugs casually.
I think about how I was alone when I found out I was pregnant. Matt wasn't there, and it wasn't his fault, but the last 36 hours of keeping this from him has been torture.
The moment I saw the second line show up with fresh cold sweat still rolling down my neck, I had to bottle up this relentless guilt.
I feel guilt. It wasn't anyone's fault. This is the most serendipitous situation I've ever been in, but I put the blame on me. I have a choice and I'm choosing the route that will completely flip our already hectic lives upside down.
Tethering us together for life.
Even if this decision it feels right, it still carries an enormous weight. It’s not just my life that’s about to change—it's Matt’s too.
I have no doubt Matt will be supportive, but when you're left alone with your thoughts long enough, you can convince yourself of anything.
I've spent every waking minute wondering how he'll react, imagining every possible scenario, from the worst to the best. It's been an endless loop of 'what ifs,' and it’s taken everything in me not to just blurt it out over the phone.
"Were you scared at all? I mean, weren't you like 20?" I press, searching for reassurance in her response.
Her eyes widen before nodding, "Oh, we were scared shitless. Your father almost passed out. We had no idea what we were doing, but hey, we survived. For better or for worse,"
I nod, looking down at my lap and fidgeting with my fingers. My chest feels tight, and the weight of everything becomes almost unbearable.
"Mom, there's something I need to tell you... I–"
"I know," She looks at me with a small smile, her green eyes glistening with tears.
My brows furrow together, giving her a confused look.
"You do?" I ask, my voice trembling.
She shrugs, "I know everything, I'm your mom... Plus, you gagged at the smell of chicken today, that was a dead giveaway." She bites back a smirk and I cover my face, laughing through some tears before looking at her again.
"I guess I’m not as good at hiding things as I thought."
"You never were," She says softly as she scoots closer to me, bringing me into her warm embrace.
I sigh deeply into her, squeezing her tight and breathing in her comforting scent.
"How are you feeling?" she asks, still holding onto me.
"Scared shitless..." I joke and we share a laugh before she pulls back to wipe the tears that escaped against my will, "But I'm happy," I admit, scanning my mother's face for any sign of judgement.
There was none.
She wipes her own few tears, looking at me with only love in her eyes.
"My baby's having a baby,"
"I think grandma sent me this baby," I whisper, allowing my emotions to come through.
My mom tucks my hair behind my ear with her gentle, comforting touch and she listens intently as I tell her my dream. We hold onto each other and cry. I then show her the ultrasound pictures and we talk until the sun disappears.
My phone buzzes softly and I check the message to find Matt’s text that he’s landed and on his way. The reality of his imminent arrival causes a mixed-wave of nausea and guilt to wash over me.
My mom looks at me with a reassuring smile.
"I'll leave you two be so you can talk. I'll see you in the morning, my love." She tells me softly, kissing my cheek and hugging me tight.
Matt and I were gonna stay here during our time in Maine. It's best right now that we have our own space, especially since my brother and his girlfriend are staying by my parents house.
As she heads out, I take a deep breath and text Matt to let him know the door is unlocked. I slip into the shower, trying to calm my racing thoughts and steady my nerves. The warm water helps, but my mind keeps racing as I mentally prepare for the conversation ahead.
Wrapped in a towel, I check my reflection in the mirror, trying to see if I look any more put together than before.
I think this is the best we're going to get.
I jump when I here the front door open and shut, then some feet shuffling. My heart skips a beat.
Matt's here.
"It's just me," I hear him call out as well as more shuffling and a paper bag crinkling.
"Hey! I-I'll be right out!" I call back out, my heart picking up again but I take a deep breath.
I quickly get dressed in a tank top and shorts; there's a heat wave here, and I can't figure out how to adjust the thermostat.
I step out of the bathroom to see Matt standing at the kitchen island, unpacking burgers and fries onto the counter. The aroma of it makes my stomach growl and I realize I hadn't eaten anything since lunch.
I admire him for a second; he's wearing pink sweatpants, a black hoodie and a backwards fitted hat.
He turns at the sound of my presence and his face softens. I'm trembling when he steps forward to embrace me into a tight hug. He buries his face into my neck before giving me a few kisses there.
"Hi," I breath out, my voice shaky.
I was so nervous.
"Hey, you okay?" His voice is so soft, my heart aches. He pulls away, rubbing his hands up and down my arms while scanning my face.
"You're shaking. What's going on?" He presses.
He knows something is up, he can see it all over my face. I shake my head, brushing it off to have one more minute with him.
I pull him back to me, wrapping my arms around his neck this time and locking him against me. He bends down a bit to accommodate but doesn't question it, just hugging me back. His arms wrapping around my waist and pressing our stomachs together.
My heart is slamming against my ribcage and I know he can feel it, his thumb rubbing my hip soothingly tells me he does.
"How are you doing?" His voice is muffled with his face buried into my neck.
"I'm okay, better now that you're here. I missed you," I mumble, kissing the side of his neck and running my hand down between his shoulder blades.
I breath him in, noting the warmth of him and the solidness of his body against me.
"I missed you... I brought us food. I don't know about you, but I'm fucking starving," He puts his hands on my hips to pull back from the hug, but I stay put.
He chuckles, giving me one more squeeze.
I pull back just enough to line our faces up and give him a kiss, which he eagerly returns.
"Thank you for being here, it means a lot," I say against his lips and he pulls back slightly to push my hair out of my face.
"I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else." He hums into another kiss, then places three quick pecks before giving my butt a light tap, signaling that it’s time to let him go.
I finally release him and head to the food on the counter.
"I passed a Five Guys on the way here, so I hope that's good for you," He grabs a handful of fries before munching on them.
As I reach the counter, the smell of the burgers makes my mouth water, and I can’t help but smile at his thoughtfulness.
“Five Guys is perfect, thank you,” I say, grabbing a fry from the bag and tasting its salty warmth.
Matt grins, clearly pleased with himself. “Good, because I was too hungry to think of anything else,” he jokes, unwrapping one of the burgers and handing it to me.
I take it, thanking him quietly, my fingers brushing against his. For a moment, I just look at him.
He’s here, and I should be telling him I’m pregnant with his child, but instead, we’re standing in the kitchen eating burgers. As if I’m trying to cling to this last bit of normalcy before everything changes.
I force myself to take a bite of my burger, moaning at the greasy, savory goodness. Matt smirks at me, taking a hearty bite of his own burger.
“S’good?” he asks through his bite, his eyes twinkling with amusement.
I nod, moaning again in response, savoring the taste as it temporarily distracts me from everything else.
Matt takes a sip of his drink before bringing a napkin to my face and wiping the corner of my mouth and chin.
"Wipe ya lip, kid," He teases and I roll my eyes, grabbing the napkin from him.
Matt inhales another large bite of his burger, and we slip into our familiar rhythm.
He tells me about his brief trip to Chicago, and I’m relieved to hear he managed to gather a few funny stories and catch at least one day of the festival. He’s notably enthusiastic while he talks, and I can’t help but smile at his excitement.
He also reassured me that Chris wasn't upset at all, which I already knew from the sweet text he sent me this morning.
“Well, I’m glad you had fun,” I say, trying to match his enthusiasm.
I then give him the rundown for the next few days while we prepare for the funeral and memorial.
We continue eating, the conversation shifting to lighter topics as we enjoy the burgers and each other’s company.
It feels so easy, so light. It always is with us. But underneath the surface, the words I need to say weigh heavy on my mind, threatening to break the easy rhythm.
Matt watches me closely, his own burger forgotten for the moment as he sees me disappear inside my head again.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” he asks again, his eyes look between mine. “You seem… I don’t know, you're acting weird.” He tries to find the right words.
"Matt..." I go to dismiss him, getting up slowly but he cuts me off, standing up too.
"No, I'm serious. You've been acting weird for days, and I'm no longer 2000 miles away for you to push me away or avoid me." He steps closer to me, trapping me against the counter with his arms on either side of me.
"Is it your about grandma? Did something else happen while I was gone?" He throws out, looking between my eyes.
"I–" I try to speak up but my voice gets caught in my throat and I get lost in the icy storm of his relentless gaze.
"It's not just my grandma," I manage to say, the admission causing him to soften slightly, a glimmer of relief at the small breakthrough.
"Okay, so talk to me, sweetheart. Please, I've been worried sick about you. You have no idea," he pleads, his breath brushing against my skin.
"I didn't know how to tell you..." I try to put together my words but I feel like I'm making it all worse.
I watch as his eyebrows pinch together and he leans down more so he's eye level with me instead towering over me.
"Tell me what, kid. I'm not a mind reader," His voice strains, frustration evident in his face.
When I try to break eye contact with him he pulls my chin to align our eyes again.
"What, d'you crash my car?" he guesses, clearly joking, his eyebrows raising playfully.
I can't help but smile and snort at his attempt to ease the tension.
"No, it’s not that," I say, my voice cracking slightly. "It's much bigger than that," I trail off and he waits expectantly.
"I uh– I went to the doctor yesterday," I pause and study his face, which drops ever so slightly, seeming to be bracing himself.
He stays silent, whether it was out of patience or fear, nothing could have prepared for my next sentence.
"I went to confirm that I was pregnant," I finally blurt out, my voice shaky, and he freezes.
Not one muscle moves in his face or his body.
"You're..." His voice cracks and he clears his dry throat, hitting his chest, "Are you serious?"
"I'm seven weeks, or a month and a half," I stammer, my voice wavering. "I don't really know how to—"
"Seven..." He whispers in disbelief, the shock settling in and I nod. "Y-you were on birth control– you have that AED–"
"IUD, yes, I did. It still happened, that shit is useless if it moves out of place," I explain and he looks down between us.
"A-and everything's okay, you're okay?" He looks up at me again, holding onto my face.
I take hold of his wrists, rubbing my thumb over his skin.
"I'm fine, the baby's fine..." I say softly and his eyes widen in realization as he pales.
"Oh my fucking god," He pulls back, cupping his hands over his mouth. "I need to sit down."
"Okay, okay. Do you want water?" I panic, hoping he doesn't pass out or puke.
He takes a seat at the dining table, shaking his head before taking off his hat and leaning his elbows on his knees.
"Oh my god, I thought I was crazy..." He says, his voice cracking with nerves as he presses his palms into his eye sockets.
"What?" I ask, confused.
"I had a feeling all fucking week," he says, his voice still shaky, and my brows knit together.
"I knew something was up. You were acting different. You were moodier than usual, you were napping all the time—and you never nap... and your tits are huge," he adds, and I roll my eyes.
"Sorry, that’s beside the point," he continues quickly, "I just couldn’t shake the feeling that you could be... I think I was trying to convince myself you weren't, but then you were so sick before I left," he rambles, staring blankly at the wall.
"It's a lot to take in, I know." I swallow thickly as I watch him process everything.
"You're pregnant," he says finally, looking at me again, this time with tears brimming his eyes. "And you were dealing with all of this by yourself," His voice is low and I shake my head, moving to stand between his legs, cupping his face gently.
"Hey, no. None of that... How could you have known?" I shush him and pull his head towards my chest.
His hands rest behind my thighs, his thumb lightly stroking my right leg. I run my fingers through his hair, comforting him as much as he's comforting me.
"I've been so scared to tell you..." I confess softly and he pulls back slightly, looking up at me with his brows furrowed.
"I know this wasn't part of our plan...at least not for a while. But before I took a test, the night my grandma passed, I had a dream. I was here, in my grandmother's garden... and she told me I was pregnant. Matt, the feeling I had," I pause, struggling to find the right words.
"It was the most intense, pure form of happiness I've ever felt. I can't even describe it to you..." I trail off.
I shake my head, "I know, I sound crazy. But I think this was meant to happen." I whisper, heat creeping up my neck at the admission.
He’s silent for a moment, absorbing my words. Then, a slow smirk carves a crease into the side of his mouth. "You are fucking crazy…" he murmurs, his playful tone breaking the tension as his smile lines deepen.
I huff a breathy laugh, the sound catching in my throat as my emotions take over again. Tears blur my vision, and I can’t hold them back any longer.
"Are you mad?" I squeak, letting my fear slip through the dam I built up.
He's immediately shaking his head, his eyes widen with sincerity, "Mad? Of course not. I mean, I thought we'd maybe get a cat first but..." He says, quirking his lip and I can't help the laugh that escapes through a sob.
I was the definition of an emotional wreck.
He gently squeezes my hips as I tip my head back to collect myself.
"Look at me," he says firmly, and I sniffle and hiccup before forcing myself to look at him. "Am I surprised? Yes. Terrified? Definitely. But, not even close to mad."
He wipes my tears tenderly, "We're going to be okay. Take it easy, alright? Deep breaths," His tone gentle but assertive, dragging me out of the pit of my dark thoughts.
I sigh as his thumbs draw circles on the exposed skin on my hips.
"I'm sorry," I say and he pulls me to sit sideways on his lap this time.
"Why are you sorry?" he asks softly, intertwining our fingers and bringing my hand to his mouth for a kiss.
"Our lives are going to change and I feel like it's my fault,"
"C'mere," He pulls me in fully, wrapping his arms around my waist. "I love you, and we're going to get through this... We were gonna do it anyway; we're just getting a headstart, yeah? Everything is going to work out," He tells me softly and I can tell he means every word.
Matt never says anything he doesn't mean.
"Also, don't say stupid shit like this is your fault. Last time I checked, it takes two to tango," He says firmly, lightly slapping my hip.
I nod, swallowing the lump in my throat as I lean into him completely, resting my head on his shoulder. His hand rubs gentle circles on my back, and I close my eyes, letting myself soak in the comfort of his presence.
"I missed you so much," I whisper, my voice muffled against his shirt. "I've been so sick, this kid might be trying to kill me," I try to joke, and he breathes a laugh into my shoulder.
A few beats of silence pass, broken only by the distant sound of crickets outside and the occasional creak of the old house settling.
"We're having a kid," He speaks up, realization laced in his voice and I hum against him. "Maybe we're both fucking crazy,"
I stifle a laugh and pull back to look at him, "D'wanna see it?" I ask, getting up from his lap and he looks to my stomach with a raised brow.
"Kid, you're not showing yet," he says, leaning back into the chair with his arms crossed, a playful smirk on his face and I roll my eyes.
"No, the ultrasound. Hold on," I say as I head to the counter to grab the pictures from my bag.
I pull out the strip of photos, and when I turn back, I see Matt standing up and stretching. He takes off his sweatshirt and his shirt riding up slightly, exposing a sliver of his stomach. Heat rises to my face but I can't stare too long though because he's walking towards me to look over my shoulder.
"Okay, what am I lookin' at?" He stands behind me, his hands on his hips as his head tilts in concentration.
"You see this black circle here?" I point to the sonogram, and he leans in closer, his breath warm against my neck as he grabs hold of the paper to steady it.
"Yeah, that's it?" He asks, narrowing his eyes and I giggle.
"No, do you see the tinier white blob inside it? That's the baby." I explain and his face scrunches for a second, looking at the picture again.
"No fucking way," he says in disbelief, a wide smile breaking across his face. "That tiny thing?" His voice raises a pitch as he looks at me, eyes wide with awe, "Can barely fucking see that," He says playfully before rubbing his eyes.
"Mhm," I can't help but giggle as he wraps an arm around me, pulling me in and placing a kiss to my temple. "Just wait til you hear it, the heartbeat was insane. It was so fast," I add and he freezes.
The realization in his face settles in even deeper as I tell him that, his soft smile returning.
"You heard the heartbeat?" He whispers, looking between my eyes and I nod.
"Yeah, yesterday. They emailed me the video of it, I'll show you in a bit if you want," I tell him and he kisses me then like he can't help himself.
"That's fucking nuts... do you feel pregnant?" he asks, his voice curious and his eyes slowly lowering to my stomach peaking out of my tank top.
I shake my head, "Not at all. I just feel like shit... and constantly bloated," I admit, laughing softly.
He lightly chuckles himself, a charmed smile on his face as he reaches to rubs my stomach a couple times.
"We're really gonna have to lock in, kid." He moves around me to pull me into a full hug, pressing our stomachs together.
"Okay, gamer, acting like this is a video game..." I scoff teasingly and he bends down, laughing into my neck.
"Well, what else do you want me to say? We're leveling up..." he continues the joke and I jab his side with my finger.
"Ow," he fake-cries, clutching his side with exaggerated pain before breaking into a fit of giggles.
"Stop saying corny shit, you goof," I warn, though his laughter makes it impossible not to smile.
I bury my face in his chest, my ear pressed against his heart as we settle into a comfortable silence.
"Now we really gotta get our own place," He says and I can hear his smirk.
"I don't know…" I shrug slightly, considering. "Maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea to stick around for a bit. It might be nice to have the extra help before we go completely on our own."
He pulls back slightly to look at me, tilting his head with an inquisitive expression. "You really think my brothers will be any help? They don’t know anything about babies."
I snort. “Probably not, but neither do we." I reason and his mouth shrugs in defeat.
"Good point... I guess we can wait it out, we're not in a rush. It'll definitely give us more time to research where would want to be somewhat permanently," He points out.
I hum into him and try not stress about that. The reality is we'd be putting ourselves in a tough spot—both our families are here on the East Coast, but our jobs and lives are rooted in LA.
It's easy to go back and forth when it was just us, but now we're gonna have a kid.
"I already hear your mind racing," his voice breaks me out of my thoughts as he rubs my back. "Don't worry, we'll figure it out..." he says softly, and I sigh deeply.
My stomach turns when I get a whiff of the food still laid out on the table.
"Matt," I say, pulling back slowly, holding my stomach.
"Mm?" he hums, looking at me with concern as I put my hand over my mouth.
"The smell of those burgers is making me sick now," I try not to laugh, and he shakes his head, immediately tossing all the trash into the large paper bag it came in.
"Alright, where's the incinerator?"
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unknownmads · 1 year ago
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PRISON TOJII (he’s so addictive🤭) if he’s so bad then why does he look so good? like that’s literally my baby daddy y’all✊🏼😍 i wrote this kinda quick sorry i’ve been so busy y’all
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“hey doll it’s good to finally meet you.”
the words rang through your ears having this be the first time you heard his voice, it was deep and rough his ton was teasing you quietly.
Prison Toji who’s eyes track as you reach into your bag grabbing a small notebook and pen. Opening the notebook revealed a page already full of questions you were waiting to ask him. oh how cute you are thinking about him so much just so excited. he’s pulled out of his trance when you finally speak.
“hi toji, it’s great to finally meet you too” your voice soft at first from your original anxiety about the situation. i mean your just here to meet him for your class nothing more. right? you wouldn’t be here because you love reading his letters telling you how pretty you are. how he wished he could take you out properly. Shamelessly telling you how hard he got to your pictures, but he was just flirting he’s a man in a prison it’s what happens.
Prison toji who finally speaks next the seconds feeling like eternity for him. He doesn’t want to have to sit across a table from you he wants you in his lap sitting pretty just how you are now.
“That’s a lot of writing in your lil notebook doll, you been thinkin of me?” this time his tone laced with teasing and smirk displayed on his lips. it draws attention to his scar, you had never asked about it not wanting to push things you shouldn’t, but you can’t help but ask anyways.
“where’d you get that scar?” pointing to your own lip as you looked up at him. a small chuckle escapes him surprised at your bluntness.
“well you’re quick to the questions today. you wanna get a closer look at it?” the gawking look one your face giving you away. with a quick nod you were leaning across the table to get a closer look as he did the same to help you.
Prison Toji who stops you with an almost surprised grunt when your hand reaches up to touch his lip where the scar is
“shit sorry” quietly escapes you as you looked away for a second toji takes this as an opportunity
“you’re okay sweetheart just gonna get us in some trouble if you do that.” his lips next to your ear as his breath brushing against your ear “can’t control myself around such a pretty thing like you.”
Prison Toji whose pants grow so much tighter when he sees how flustered you get from such a simple comment. You turn back to face him, his eyes instantly meeting yours challenging you telling you to do it, see how far it goes, see how bad he possibly is, and just like a moth to a flame you do just that. your hand grazing where his scar is going to cup his face, it was all so fast you could barely process it. he forced himself forward slamming his lips to yours. shock took you first then you eased into the kiss and began kissing back. and then you remembered HES A PRISONER AND THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FOR SCHOOL.
Prison toji whose ready to snap his cuffs when you pull away. leaning into you as much as he could almost whining when your lips part from his. he sees you shocked and guilt ridden with your finger touching your lips
“whats wrong doll didn’t like it? give me another chance to try again” his body fully leaning to you practically half way over the table.
“im sorry we shouldn’t hav- it wasn’t bad- just we can’t Toji.” your thoughts swirling the world is spinning. Could you get kick out of school? what if someone saw? are there cameras in here? why do i still want to? it’s wrong.
“It’s fine sweetheart no one will know, just you and me i know you want more from the look on your face and the way your sqeezin your thighs. don’t even try to deny it.”
Caught. like a fly in a trap, he’s got you.
Prison toji whose cock jumps when you slide out of your seat and approach him looking to make sure the guards weren’t watching. unknowing to the fact that toji already blackmailed both of them to let him have all the privacy he needed with you. the look in your eyes as you approached was pure lust and need for him.
“your sure we’ll be fine right?” you say as you lean down towards him
“im positive doll i made sure of it.”
Prison Toji who finally snaps his cuffs unable to take anymore. grabbing your hips and pulling you into his lap his face clashing with your the kiss is sloppy and full of need. a small sound escaping as he deepens the kiss.
“i’ve been dreaming of this.”
TAGS: @altgojo @nanmiik @kouyoumarryme @imaslothandsowhat @dragonmaiden79 @sircatchungus
SOME OF YALL DIDNT SHOW UP WHEN I SEARCHED IM SO SORRY😭
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luvyeni · 7 months ago
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𐙚 : KISSING/BITING THEIR NECK (reaction) ֶָ֢ !
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request: kissing or biting nct dream’s necks.
authors note. i hope you like it 🩶!!!
MINORS DO NOT INTERACT
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𐙚 : MARK ֶָ֢ !
he gets horny don't get me wrong , but it's also on his neck, where he's really ticklish, let's out a bunch of giggles.
he smiled watching your mischievous eyes turn to him. "what are you thinking baby?" he watched you stalk him, you climbed into his lap, he laughed. "what are you up to." you shook your head. "nothing." you grabbed the other side of his cheek, pulling him to your lips, kissing his cheek. "just want to give you some kisses." you repeatedly kissed his cheek. "yeah?" he said, wrapping his hands around your waist as you reached his neck , leaving wet kisses. "baby you know im ticklish." you felt his adams apple move; smiling against his neck. "then why are you getting hard?" your hand came down to his pants, squeezing his cock. "because you your lips feel good." he moaned. "yeah?" you licked his neck. "fuck baby that's enough." he groaned out.
"gonna cum if you keep doing that"
𐙚 : RENJUN ֶָ֢ !
depending on the situation he's gonna be annoyed, horny? yes but annoyed nonetheless.
"renjunnie." you skipped into your bedroom, met with your glaring boyfriend sitting on the bed, his phone to his ear taking a call. "im on the phone." he mouth, meaning he was telling you to shut up , but could you be a good girlfriend and listen? no of course not — you instead straddled his lap smiling evilly , wrapping your arms around his neck. "no hyung im fine, what were you saying?" he gripped your waist, that was in fact your second warm for you to shut and now sit still on his lap. you still denied his command, dipping into the crease of his shoulder blade, and his neck nipping at his neck. renjun should've known you couldn't be trusted, his hand coming down to your ass to give you your last warning, but of course you were a brat , biting down harder he grunted. "hyung i have to go , i think yn just broke something." he said, you pouted. "yeah you know her , never listens when i tell her to do something." he hung up the phone , his eyes glaring at you. "you don't fucking listen do you?" his hand came up to your jaw. "i just wanted your attention." your lips already forming a pout. "well now you got it."
"you want to use that fucking mouth so bad , how about you get on your knees and suck me off."
𐙚 : JENO ֶָ֢ !
playful puppy, he loves this — you wanna bite his neck? he's gonna do the same then.
"baby i have to go to the gym." you climbed on to his back. "no." he smiled, trying to shake you off , he already decided he wasn't going when you whined for him not to, but he wanted to play around. "baby please." he laughed, you kissed his neck. "please stay." you wrapped your feet around his waist. "how am i supposed to hold you up like this if you don't let me go to the gym." he felt your nose pressed against his neck. "you're already strong enough." you kissed his neck again , giggling for biting down on. "ow , babygirl." you laughed in his ear. "that's funny?" you nodded. "okay." he said , and before you could register, he was throwing you on the bed , holding your hands together. "it's my turn." he held your kicking legs down , his face dipping into your neck , biting down. "jeno." you squealed. "i won't go today baby." he said licking the bite mark, you whimpered— he smirked.
"I'll stay here and fuck you instead."
𐙚 : HAECHAN ֶָ֢ !
little perv will let out a moan— but in his defense you bit his sensitive area, how do you expect him not to.
"go go— fucking go!" you boyfriend shouted into the mic, you hated when he got riled up while playing the game. "yah, lee jeno are you fucking stupid, i said go!" you kissed the back of your teeth, sitting your phone down, climbing off the bed. "haechannie." you pouted, he looked at you for a second going back to the game. "baby hold on." you ignored him, sitting down on his lap. "baby, baby i can't see." he moved he's head around your body. "fuck off jeno , yn is sitting here that's why." you got comfortable on his lap. "stop all that cursing." you kissed his mole, he smiled. "m'sorry baby." he said. "i know you hate it, I'll try and stop." you kissed another mole, the one closer to his jaw, he let out a low sigh as you reached his jaw. "ju-just play the game." he stuttered into mic as you kissed each mole on his neck— finally you bit down, and he let out a moan. "ew dude are you fucking on the mic?" you laughed hearing his friends freak out. "shut the fuck up, don't be mad im getting some and you arent." you could feel his cock chubbing up in his sweats. "are you hard haechan?" he kissed the back of his teeth, in a duh tone.
"if you don't get up and get on that bed now, everyone is gonna hear me fuck your brains out."
𐙚 : JAEMIN ֶָ֢ !
jaemin is unpredictable, he could just laugh it off , or he's gonna bite you back , but in the most extra way , lets go with the second way.
"baby." he laughed feeling your nose on his skin. "what are you up to?" you giggled , he knew you so well. "nothing." you said , quickly attacking his neck. "i knew you were up to something." he smiled , letting you biting his neck a few more times , before quickly flipping you over. "jaemin." he smiled down at you. "what baby?" he cooed. "didn't you bite me first?" he said , before biting your cheek playfully. "jaemin!" you squealed, laughing. "im just getting you back." he held your hands together, moving to your exposed stomach, bitting down. "just getting my revenge." he said , keeping his eyes on you as he came down to your bare legs , you sighed as he spread your legs open , kissing your inner thigh, the tone definition shifting. "jaemin." you felt his teeth nipping at your sensitive inner thigh. "fuck." you whimpered. "i can see your little clit twitching." you moaned.
"shh shh baby this is payback, let me eat your pretty pussy."
𐙚 : CHENLE ֶָ֢ !
curses a few times because you did just bite him — but he's not mad at it, he actually likes it quite a bit.
"ow shit." he looked at you perplexed, why the hell did you just do that? "you bit me!" you laughed , you loved your dramatic boyfriend so much. "you bite me and now your laughing." he scoffed. "what if i bite you back." you shrugging. "go ahead." you said. "I like that." he scoffed. "if course you do." he gripped the back of your neck , to keep you from biting him again. "you do too , dont pretend that your cock isn't hard right now." you broke away from his grip, bitting him again. "fuck." he grunted. "try not to cum." you giggled, just pissing him off more. "says the slut grinding down on his my leg." you tried to bite him again but he was faster, gaining control again. "didn't i say stop?"
"it was cute the first time, now you're pissing me off."
𐙚 : JISUNG ֶָ֢ !
why did you do that? and why did he like it? is all he thinks, he's so confused.
sitting in his lap , watching him play games on his phone , occupying your time by scrolling on tiktok , playing with the necklace dangling on his neck. you came across a video of a girl biting her boyfriends neck to get his reaction , sparking an idea in your bored mind. turning the camera on, brushing your nose against your boyfriend's neck, smiling when you saw his hands stop moving. "baby what are y— ow." hissed when you bit down. "why'd you bite me?" you laughed hearing his confused tone. "baby." you felt the shift in his attitude. "fuck i liked that too much." he groaned, you giggled whispering in his ear. "you're on camera." he threw his phone to the side, his cock throbbing in his sweats. "turn it off , before you won't be able to post it." you felt his hands travel to your ass. "why is that?"
"because it'll definitely pick up the sounds of me fucking you."
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©️LUVYENI
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evera-era · 1 year ago
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f**k you.
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ellie williams x afab!reader
warnings: hate sex, ellie’s rude as shit in the first half, alcohol use, some name-calling, aggressive kissing, fingering, scissoring, brat taming, spanking, edging/overstim… i think thats it
a/n: kinktober’s here! ik im a few hours late guys im sorry. but hopefully this juicyness makes up for it !! wc 3.4k
Ellie couldn’t stand you.
She found you so incredibly annoying, and yet you shared the same friends. Which was the biggest problem, ever.
She never failed to make sure to let you know what she thought of you.
“Hey, idiot. We’re trying to have a conversation. Shut it for once, yeah?”
And you made sure to let her know that the feeling was mutual.
“Suck my dick, Williams.”
And like clockwork, she’d say something along the lines of “Sorry babe. Not into that.”
Truthfully, the two of you had been doing this for a while. This was nothing new. You’d go at eachother back and forth until one of you gets genuinely pissed off. Rinse. Repeat.
Dina hated it because she loves the two of you; she just can’t handle being in a room with both of you at once. Jesse would find it amusing until you and Ellie wouldn’t shut up during a movie.
It didn’t matter what you said or did. Ellie would either laugh, mock, or straight up disagree with you. Even if you stayed quiet and said nothing at all.
“Looks like someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed today.”
She’d wait for your response, and when you didn’t have one, she’d keep going.
“No seriously. You look like dogshit.”
“Ellie please shut the fuck up.”
It was like she couldn’t ignore you. As if your presence was so incredibly overwhelming, that she just had to react to everything you did. You didn’t get it.
If you met up with the friend group to eat, Ellie somehow “forgot” to get you something. She’d make plans and purposely exclude you. And if you brought it up, she’d tell you to “chill the fuck out, it’s not that serious.”
You hated Ellie. And yet here you were, six feet across from her, sitting on the rug of her living room floor. Dina had insisted on a friendly get-together at Ellie’s, specifically requesting that “you don’t kill eachother.” You told her you’d try, but made no promises.
“Hey, Jesse.” Ellie said. “Could you grab me and Dina another beer?”
“Ellie,” Dina says. “You didn’t even ask if Y/N wanted one.”
“So?” She replies. “She’s a big girl. If she wants another she can get it herself.”
You rolled your eyes. She always did this — talked about you as if you were the dumbest person to ever exist.
“I’m right here, Ellie.” You snap. “I can hear you.”
“I know.” Ellie says. “That’s why I said it.”
“Guys, please.” Dina groans. “Just one night. One good night is all I ask.”
Jesse brings over more bottles. He cracks one open before handing it to you. Ellie stares at you, waiting for Jesse to hand out the rest before speaking.
“It would be easier if I didn’t have to look at her fuckin’ face all night.”
You scoffed. “You know, you’re really cocky for someone who lives in a fucking garage.”
“You’re lucky I even let your ass in this garage.” Ellie mutters. “Probably tracked in a shitton of dirt.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” You ask abruptly.
Dina rubs her temples. “Guys—“
“You that stupid?” She questions. “It means I’m gonna have to sweep once you leave. Don’t want your germs gettin’ on my shit.”
“Fuck this. Nope. Not doing this.” Dina says, getting up from the floor. She whips around to face you and Ellie.
“I have tried to ignore the two of you in hopes of having a good time. I have begged you to get along for once. But clearly, none of it’s fucking working!” She throws her hands up. “I’m done. Seriously — come on, Jesse, we’re leaving.”
Jesse thinks for a moment, then shrugs. He begins walking towards the door with his beer in hand.
“Wait, what?” Ellie asks.
“You guys are gonna sit here and sort this shit out.” She says, throwing on her coat. “Until then, me and Jesse are going somewhere else.”
“You can’t be serious.”
“Dina—“
“Don’t wanna hear it.” She states as Jesse opens the door for her. “The two of you are smart, figure it out. You can come find us when you’re done.”
“See you,” Is all Jesse says, before pulling the door shut.
You and Ellie look straight ahead.
What the fuck.
Heat rushed to your cheeks. You didn’t know what to do. Dina was obviously pissed, but being left alone with Ellie was the last thing you wanted.
It’s as if she could read your mind.
“Get out.”
You raise your brows. “Excuse me?”
“They left because you don’t know when to shut your mouth,” She says. “And I don’t wanna keep hearing it, so get out.”
Your previous desire to get up and walk out of the door suddenly disappears. You set your drink down.
“No.”
“What?”
“You don’t like me? Great.” You say, kicking your feet back. “I don’t like you either. But I’m not gonna do what you say, when you say it, every single fucking time.”
“Wow.” She takes a sip of beer. “You know, you can be a real bitch sometimes.”
Your eyes flash over to the brunette in less than a second. But she doesn’t budge. Just leans into the couch, legs spread.
“Ellie—“ You begin. “What the fuck is your problem with me?”
She smirks as if you said something funny.
“I’m serious. What the fuck is it?” You repeat, staring intently.
“Are you that dense?” She meets your gaze. “Your attitude. If you couldn’t tell, you have a serious attitude problem. Should really get it checked out.”
It was your turn to laugh. “Like you don’t have an attitude problem.”
“Yeah, but that’s me.”
“Oh,” You nod sarcastically. “Okay. Sure, yeah. Because that makes sense.”
“See? Again with the attitude.”
Silence fills the room as you bite your tongue. The fact that you felt the impulse to respond immediately kind of proved Ellie’s point.
It pissed you off that she was right. You did have a bit of an attitude problem with her. In your defense, she never leaves you alone. You get along just fine with everyone else.
You had given up. You were ready to just go home and tell Dina the truth later. But as you stand up, out of absolutely nowhere, Ellie says:
“It sucks, ‘cause you’re hot. It’s a shame you’ve gotta act like such a fuckin’ brat.”
Were your ears deceiving you? Did Ellie fucking Williams just say that?
You laugh it off and shake your head. “You are truly something else.”
“I’m being serious.” She replies. “You could just sit there and look pretty. Don’t know why you choose to be so damn annoying instead.”
“It would be so nice if you just learned when to shut up, Ellie.”
“You gonna make me?” She says, watching you. You sigh dramatically.
“Didn’t think so.”
The way she was toying with you made your skin run hot. You weren’t sure if she really meant what she said, or if she was just trying to get a rise out of you. Either way, her sweatpants and sports bra combo wasn’t helping; you could feel yourself getting worked up.
“What are you getting at?” You blurt out. “What are you trying to do?”
“I’m not trying to do anything,” She murmurs, looking down then back up again. “Are you?”
You laugh harshly. “What the hell makes you think that?”
“You’re an attention whore,” She answers. “It wouldn’t surprise me.”
The way ‘whore’ rolled off of her tongue was so incredibly casual. And yet, you enjoyed the fact that she was saying it to you. Pigs must be flying. There was no way this was happening.
“I’m not a whore,” You stated.
“Oh?” She says coyly. “I didn’t call you a whore, I called you an attention whore. But you were quick to argue, so now I’m curious.”
You shift your weight to one leg. “I’m not gonna fuck you, Ellie.”
“Yeah? Then why are you still here?”
You felt your neck and ears become incredibly hot. Ellie leans forward, pushing herself up from the couch and faces you.
“I’d be flattered if you said it’s ‘cause you like me as a person, but we both know that’s not true.”
Her eyes were dazed and unwavering. It could’ve been the alcohol, but it also could’ve been the fact that your mini skirt had been riding up your thighs all night.
And as for you, you surprisingly weren’t repulsed. In fact, you liked seeing Ellie like this. If you were sober you might have dipped already, but your legs were heavy and your panties started to feel very constrictive.
“I think…” She begins walking closer. “That you want the exact same thing. You just act like you’re too good for it.”
You could feel your inhibition weakening. You drunkenly stare up at her. “You think I’m not?”
“I know you’re not.” She takes another step. You go to step back, but your heel hits the wall.
“I don’t blame Dina for trying, but we both know we’re not gonna make up.” Another step.
“No?” You whisper.
“Mm-mm.” Her nose was almost brushing up against yours, now.
The eye contact was unmatched. Ellie wasn’t budging, and neither were you.
“I fucking hate what you do to me,” You whispered against her lips.
She smirks. “I fucking love it.”
Immediately, her lips are engulfing yours, with so much damn fervor and need. You curled your fingers in her hair, and tugged down hard. You didn’t care if you hurt her — after all, she deserved it.
Ellie smiles into the kiss, pulling you in closer as a small grunt leaves her lips. Her legs cage you in against the wall as she forces her tongue into your mouth.
You hated her. You hated her. You hated her.
So how was it possible for her to make you feel so goddamn good?
Her hands begin grasping at the hem of your clothes with frustration.
“Fuck, baby.” She moans. “Take this shit off.”
You were compliant at this point; you merely slid your hands under your shirt and did what she said. Ellie presses her head against your chin, whispering a few more curses as she looks at your exposed breasts.
“So fucking hot,” She groans, pressing her lips to your neck. You whined out of pleasure as you pulled her hips closer to you.
“This is so embarrassing.” You mumble, shutting your eyes.
“Mm,” Ellie hums. “Seem to be handling it quite well, though.”
The brunette begins trailing her kisses downwards. You jump at the new sensation.
“Ellie—“
“Shh.” She murmurs, teething dangerously close to your nipple. “Gotta focus.”
When she latches on, your head immediately falls back. You’re practically speechless as she sucks and swirls her tongue around the hardened bud.
You wanted her to keep going, but you were worried. If Dina and Jesse caught you like this…
As for Ellie, she is absolutely shameless in the way she’s going in on your tits. It was clear that she had wanted to do this for a very long time — she was just being a complete ass about it.
She pulls away with a hard ‘pop’ before looking up at you with her green eyes. “Come here,” She says, grabbing your waist and pulling you down with her.
You gasp as the two of you land on the couch. Her hand quickly finds the back of your neck as she kisses you again, bucking gently against you. A soft moan escapes your lips as you pull back.
“What if Dina and Je—“
“Y/N,” She whispers, pulling her shirt over her head. “I’m in front of you, and I wanna fuck you. Please just shut up for once. Alright?”
You blush, looking down at her chest. Her nipples were poking out, hard as rocks. “You’re so fucking mean.”
“You’re fucking mean,” She says, smirking. “Depriving me of this for so damn long.”
“Didn’t think you wanted me,” You slur against her lips.
“Yeah, well… you are pretty fuckin’ annoying.” She huffs, as you lean in to kiss her again. As the minutes pass, you find yourself rolling your hips against hers.
“More,” You say quietly.
“Hm?”
“Want more of you, Ellie.” You sighed, nudging your fingertips under her waistband. “Please.”
She grins before sliding her sweatpants and underwear off. “Only because you said please.”
When your fingers drag down against her clit, she’s wet, and you absentmindedly moan. She sneers, staring up at you.
“What?” You ask.
“Nothing, just… that was the sluttiest thing I’ve ever heard in my life.”
You hum against her skin, gently rubbing your thumb against her hood. “I could be sluttier.”
“Oh yeah?” She responds, grazing her teeth against your jaw.
You drag your fingers from her pussy to your lips, gently engulfing them in your mouth. You keep your eyes on her as you suck her juices off, groaning at the sweet taste.
Ellie’s face becomes that of a pornstar. Her eyes are half-lidded, nearly rolling back as she stifles a moan.
“Holy fuck,” She says, biting down on her lip. Her gaze drops to your lower body, and she begins shoving the fabric of your skirt up.
“What are you doing?” You murmur, watching the skirt bunch around your waist.
“Not gonna waste anymore time,” She explains, tugging at your panties. “I fucking need this pussy.”
You help her remove the undergarment, letting it drop onto the floor. Her hands settle on your ass as you gently lift her leg, lining yourself up against her.
“Fuck yes,” She whispers, watching carefully as you gently slot your cunt against hers.
Her cunt was soft, and incredibly slick and sticky. It takes you a moment to get the right angle before you begin to get a rhythm going.
Once you start speeding up, Ellie practically loses it. She’s breathing like she can’t get enough air.
“Fuck yes.” She repeats, bringing her hand down onto your ass with a hard slap. Her eyes are closed as she scrunches her brows in pleasure. “Holy fucking shit.”
“God,” You moan, sloshing your pussy up against hers. “You’re so wet, Ellie.”
The room becomes one filled with wet noises and moaning. Ellie’s hands are grabbing at everything — your ass, your tits, the couch. She’s in euphoria, seeing stars as she tries not to black out.
“Goddamn,” She mutters. “So fucking good, baby. Doing so fucking good.”
You whimper at the praise, still trying to wrap your head around what was happening. Ellie had been your worst enemy for months, and here you were, bumping clits with her like a fucking slut.
“Shit—“ She grunts, pushing her head back. “I‘m close, ‘m gonna cum.”
“Already?” You joke. “That’s quick, don’t you think?”
She quickly opens her eyes and looks at you. “Don’t.”
“Don’t what?” You say slyly, slowing down ever so slightly.
She smacks your ass, hard. “Don’t you fucking dare.”
You slow down even more, grinning proudly. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Ellie.”
“Y/N, you better fucking finish me off.”
“But… ” You whisper in an innocent tone. “We’re having so much fun, right?”
“I swear to—“ She exhales vexedly before sinking her nails into your hips. “Fuck it.”
She sits up, grabbing you forcefully before pushing you down so you’ve switched places. Ellie props your leg up on her shoulder.
“Wanna be a fucking brat? Hm?” She whispers, bringing herself down on your cunt harshly.
You moan in response, goosebumps beginning to form on your arms. You place your hands on her abs, pushing slightly in an attempt to get her to let up.
“Ellie, ‘s too much.” You mewl, as she ruts her pussy against yours.
“Shut up,” She mumbles. “You can take it.”
She keeps you down as she fucks you, ramming herself against your cunt. The sloshing of your clits sends you into a spiral.
“Oh my god, Ellie,” You murmur. “Feels so good.”
“Yeah?” She grunts. “You like this?”
You nod, but Ellie places a sharp slap on your boob.
“Answer me.”
“Y-Yeah,” You stammer, trying to grasp reality as the only thing going through your mind is how good her pussy feels on yours.
She uses her hand and grabs your chin, tilting your head up. “You better not fucking cum until I do, you hear me?”
You nod again. “Y-Yes, Ellie.”
The way Ellie scissors is ruthless. She’s concentrated, hair sticking to her forehead as she stares down at you. She watches the way your tits bounce as she fucks herself on you, watching as you beg her to slow down.
Her teeth clench as she nears her orgasm. She looks up at the ceiling before dropping her head back down.
“Fuck, I’m, shit— ‘m getting close.”
“Yeah?” You murmur.
“Uh-huh.” You bring your hand up to her cheek as she maintains her rhythm.
“Wanna cum with you, Ellie. Wanna cum all over your fucking pussy.”
“Fuck,” She says through gritted teeth. “Fuck yes. Keep talking, just like that.”
Ellie knew she wasn’t very far off. But she figured she’d make the most of it, in case this was the last time she got to see you like this.
“So good, Ellie,” You say softly. “Your pussy feels so fuckin’ good.”
“Yeah?” She exhales.
“Mhm,” You murmur. “Best I’ve ever had.”
Ellie’s eyes roll into the back of her head, her moans becoming choppy. She gently holds your foot as she grinds her hips down faster.
As Ellie becomes wetter, you stiffen and feel your stomach tightening. You were getting really close, and she could feel it.
“Y/N,” She says. “I’m—“
“Me too—“ Is all you can say, before drawling out into a moan. Ellie rides you deep into your high, breathing sporadically as she cums, herself.
For a second, the two of you barely move, merely catching your breaths. But eventually your leg starts cramping, and you slide it off her shoulder.
“Holy fuck.” You whisper. “I can’t believe we just did that.”
“I can.” Ellie says, slowly hopping off of you.
“You’re a liar.”
“How?” She says, leaning against the opposite end of the couch. “It was only a matter of time ‘til I got into your pants.”
“Oh,” You scoff. “So it was easy?”
“It was so easy.” She says, smiling. You look at the floor.
“Shut up.” You grin, reaching over to grab your clothes. You slowly put them back on as she copies you.
“Wanna go find Dina and Jesse now?” She questions, pulling her shirt over her head.
“I thought you said we couldn’t,” You say. “Since we weren’t gonna make up.”
“Mm, ‘cause we didn’t.” She states, cocking her head. “I need about three more rounds of this before we re-visit that topic.”
“Oh, fuck off.” You giggle, tossing your jacket at her. She laughs, putting her hands up to shield herself as it hits her.
“I’m kinda serious though,” She says. “You wanna give me head next time? Or…”
You smooth your hair down. “In your dreams, Williams.”
She looks around, contemplating for a moment. “Does that mean I give you head instead?”
“Ellie please shut up now.”
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rafeandonlyrafe · 7 months ago
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moonlit beach
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words: 1.6k
warnings: 18+ only!, smut, face sitting, p in v sex, unprotected sex, fluff, vacation, proposal, bratty!reader for the first bit lol
you walk over to the boys, already in a bad mood from having to redo your makeup as it kept looking patchy.
you step between the couches, interrupting their conversation as you stop in front of rafe. you place your hand out, looking down at your boyfriend.
“card.” it's not a request, not a question.
“what's wrong baby?” rafe coos, causing kelce to snicker at his pout.
“give me your credit card. im going to buy myself a birthday gift on your dime since you didn't get me anything.” you say, lowering your hand more to get your point across.
“baby, i told you it just got delayed. it will be here friday, i promise.” rafe takes your hand in his, pressing a kiss to your palm. he used to care about showing affection in front of his friends, but not anymore, his focus always solely on you whenever you're in view.
“yeah right.” you roll your eyes. “you forgot. come on, card.”
rafe reaches into his wallet with a sigh. he truly does have plans for your birthday, it just landed on an awkward day of the week for celebrations.
he places the credit card into your hand, watching you turn on your heel without another word.
“dude, just tell her you're taking her to the maldives.” kelce says, topper nodding in agreement.
“that would ruin the point of the surprise.” rafe rolls his eyes. “what, do you also want me to tell her that i bought a diamond ring and that im going to propose to her there?”
“well, guess you'll just have to deal with her being mad at you.” topper shrugs.
“it's alright, i think it's kinda hot.” rafe adjusts his pants not so subtly.
“ew, dude!” topper looks away suddenly while kelce makes a gagging motion.
--
“wake up, princess.” rafe presses kisses along the bridge of your nose until your eyes flutter open. you look happy for a split second before remembering rafe didn't get you anything for your birthday, a frown spreading across your features.
“baby.” rafe coos out, pressing a kiss to your still lips. he's planning to tell you later today so you have time to pack before the flight tomorrow evening, but rafe can't help himself, wanting to get inside of you while you're still pissed at him.
“fuck off, cameron.” you roll over, intending to get more sleep when you feel rafe push himself against you, his morning wood evident in his pants.
“come on baby, i told you ive got a really good gift for tomorrow. don't be mad.” rafe presses kisses to your shoulder, tugging the strap of your pajama shirt down to give him access to more skin.
you hate your traitorous pussy as it floods with wetness. you flip over suddenly, pushing rafe onto his back.
“you're gonna eat me out then im gonna ride you. i don't wanna hear you complain.” you say sternly. it has been a couple days since you slept with rafe on your birthday morning, happy and glowing as he gently thrusted inside of you, muttering how beautiful you are and how much he loves you.
“take those shorts off.” rafe just smirks, watching as you quickly disrobe before crawling on top of rafe. you usually would kiss him, but you bypass his lips to place your cunt down on his face, knees on either side of his head.
rafe grabs your hips, not even giving you a moment to adjust before he pulls you down onto his awaiting mouth.
you let out a moan and reach forward to grip the headboard as rafes tongue snakes through your folds before lapping at your clit.
you press yourself further down onto his face, a mess of juice and spit covering his chin and nose, but rafe couldn't care less, loving the way you take effortless control as your hips rock back and forth.
rafe pushes his tongue into your cunt, feeling the way your walls clench around him. you let out a moan as his nose bumps against your clit as he begins to thrust his tongue in and out. 
as much as you'd like to cum all over his face, you want rafes cock inside of you.
you turn suddenly, crawling down his body with your ass to his face as you pull his pajama pants down to reveal his cock, standing straight up and ready for you.
you position yourself over top, not caring when rafe whines out.
“turn around baby, i wanna see your face.”
you roll your eyes despite him not being able to see, sinking yourself down on his length with a moan.
your hips begin to buck, only focusing on your orgasm as you rub your pussy with the hand not on rafes thigh for support.
you blame having gone without an orgasm for a few days for how quickly you can feel your high building, but clearly rafe isn't far behind as his hips begin to thrust up into you.
his hands reach out to grip your ass as it bounces in front of him, the plush flesh too tempting not to touch.
you let out a growl, pushing yourself to move faster up and down on his cock until your high suddenly breeches and you fall forward into the mattress between his legs with a moan.
rafe moves quickly to his knees, pushing his cock deep inside of you as he cums as well, flooding your pussy.
“im gonna take a shower.” you say, kneeling back up as you look back at rafe. usually you love to allow him to keep his cock buried inside of you after you both cum, but not when you're mad at him.
“alright.” rafe says, sighing when you move away and his cock slips free as you climb off the bed, legs clearly tired from fucking. “just don't take too long, you have to pack.”
your footsteps stop. “pack for what?”
“im taking you to the maldives tomorrow. happy birthday.” the words barely leave rafes mouth before you're turning and jumping back onto the bed, kissing him between mumbles of thank you and how much you love him.
--
“i can't believe i was such a bitch to you and you had this planned the whole time.” you pout, burying your head further into rafes bare chest, rubbing your face against him as a cat trying to mark their scent would.
“baby, it's okay.” rafe coos out, not brave enough to say that he liked it. he likes you like this even more, glowing and happy.
“i love you.” you coo out, looking out onto the ocean, keeping your ear against his chest to hear his heartbeat, your favorite sound in the world.
“i love you too baby.” rafe runs his hand over your back, up until it meets the string of your bikini, then back down until his hands hits your bottoms, then occasionally over that to squeeze your ass. “i know i took you out for a birthday dinner back in the outer banks, but would you allow me to take you out again tonight?”
you pout, nodding quickly. “of course.” you pick your head up to press a kiss to rafes lips.
--
“how did you like the food?” rafe asks. there's really no point in questioning it, your moans every time you took a bite and asking for seconds told him everything.
“so good… can we go back there again tomorrow?” you squeeze rafes hand that's entangled with your own as you walk down the moonlit beach.
“anything you want. this trip is for you.” rafe says, hoping you can't tell that his palm is sweaty as you get closer to the spot he chose, just having to round a bushel of trees to see the lights.
he didn't expect to feel nervous, but with every step his worry builds. what if you say no? rafe knows it's ridiculous, but the small nagging voice in the back of his head is growing louder every minute.
“oh my gosh!” you squeal out as you see the string lights set up on the beach, over wooden slats placed on top of the sand for an even surface. “it's so cute!”
rafe smiles gently, glad he chose a cool color for the twinkling lights to match the moonlight. you change your path to walk around it, but rafe pulls you closer.
“rafe-” you begin to say that you probably shouldn't go onto random peoples set ups on the beach, but he just looks at you with a comforting gaze that would make you go along with anything, trusting him implicitly.
it doesn't hit you until you're under the lights. the realization suddenly sinks in as you look at rafe. he nods gently, like he knows the thoughts running through your mind.
rafe sinks to one knee, confirming your suspicion. he reaches into his pocket and delivers a beautiful speech before showing you the gleaming ring, a speech you are both bound to forget in your excitement and nerves.
“will you marry me?”
“yes!” you don't even wait for rafe to stand up, launching yourself to the ground with him as your arms fly around his shoulders. you managed to hold in tears until this point as you cry into his shoulder.
rafe holds you close, allowing you to feel every emotion in his steady arms.
“come on baby, let's make sure the ring fits.” rafe helps you stand easily before he pulls the ring out of the box, managing to snap it closed when you flung yourself on him so it didn't get lost in the sand.
you hold your hand out, a fresh batch of tears coming as rafe slides the ring onto your finger, hoping the photographers hidden in the treeline got good shots.
“oh my god, we are gonna get married!” you squeal out as it hits you all over again.
“you're gonna be my wife.” rafe smiles as he pulls you in for a kiss.
“im gonna get to call you husband.” tears flood in your eyes as you kiss him again, again, and again.
taglist: @drewstarkeyslut @forstarkey @f4ll-for-you @dilvcv @drudyslut @jjmaybankswifes-blog @rafescokenostril @jjsmarijuana @seeingstarks @angelofcigs @cece45450 @babygorewhore @vanessa-rafesgirl @michelleisheres-blog @outerbankspov @drewstarkeyswifehoe @cutielando @sourkittie @rafeyslove @rafeinterlude @bellbottombaby @deeaardiary @rubixgsworld @wearemadeofstardust0 @leighbronk @starkeysheart @pradabambie @tobesolovelysstuff @alexiskirkland @rafestar @brioffthegrid @juniebugg @magicalyoura @cokepewpsii @mysticallystilinski @luvdella @aerangi @vogueprincess @auryyz @raysmayhem-72 @thestarlithideout @marvelfanfics1recs @rafesgiirl @ditzyzombiesblog @chiaraanatra @tobiaslut @drewsephrry @1aarii1
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midnightwriter21 · 1 year ago
Text
demon slayer hcs: motherly hashira!reader x the hashira pt 2
characters: fem!reader x muichiro, sanemi, mitsuri, obanai
AN: this is a pt 2 for the request from @danielle-marie
READ THE FIRST PART HERE
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MUICHIRO
I LOVE THIS BABY SM U DONT UNDERSTAND
he's the hashira that ur most comfortable around
he was a hashira before u
but u get promoted and its an instinct
child.
must protect.
at first he probably gets annoyed by you
he's not used to someone caring for him the way that u do
but then one day ur sent on a long mission
maybe a few weeks long
and he finds himself missing something
of course he has no idea what it is that he's missing something
he completely forgot about u
but when you get back to the butterfly estate and he sees u
it clicks
he remembers
he missed you
he missed your overprotective nature
he missed your soft caring voice
he missed the way that you brush and style his hair
he REALLY missed that ^
walks up to u, grabs ur hand and tugs u away
doesn't care if you were talking to someone
and doesn't say a word
brings you to his favorite cloud watching spot with a tight grip on your hand
makes you sit down
and lays his head in ur lap
stop im squealing and kicking my feet from the cuteness
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SANEMI
my guyyyyyy
have i ever told yall that i love him?
only in every single thing i post
anyways
he HATES you at first
lmfao rip u
your shy and quiet nature reminds him of giyuu
and if theres one person sanemi can't stand
its giyuu
therefore he don't fw u
and doesn't pay u much attention
UNTILLLLL
he witnesses u pulling genya by the ear to the infirmary after a mission
and telling genya tf off for pulling som stupid shit during the mission
+100 respect right there
not only are u actually talking
but ur screaming??
at his brother??
and taking care of him at the same time?????
my guy is lucky if he doesn't pop a boner right there lmfaooo
starts paying more attention to u after that
and is noticeably a lot nicer and calmer around you
will blush beet red and deny tf out of it if the other hashira comment abt his change of heart
but def develops a soft spot for u
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MITSURI
SWEETEST HUMAN BEING TO EVER EXIST EVER
she loves u
ofc she does she's the love hashira
but in mitsuri's mind how could she not absolutely ADORE u
not only are you breathtakingly beautiful in her eyes
but she sees the way u interact with the younger slayers
how u genuinely care for everyone's wellbeing
if she wasn't looking for a husband she would wife u tf UP
she still might lol
mitsuri is gonna go out of her way to become friends with you
she's inviting u to her estate for girl's night with shinobu
she's dragging u along to her favorite restaurant for lunch
she's inviting u to join her at the hot springs to relax
she really enjoys ur presence
even if ur shy she thinks ur very soothing to be around
she loves when you do her hair!!
and when u cook for her??
mitsuri alrdy eats a lot
but if u made the food for her??
girl is not letting a CRUMB go to waste
loves the way u take care of everyone
especially when u take care of her
10/10 would recommend a mitsuri
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OBANAI
someone pls love this man
he needs it so bad
so dude had SHIT parents
like bad bad
so when he sees ur interactions with the younger slayers he's prob a lil put off at first
like ma'am?
this is the demon slayer corps??
we don't have time for all ur mothering and coddling
but then he's injured on a mission
and waiting in the infirmary for shinobu to show up and patch him up
and then u bust through the doors???
confused asf
shinobu is on a mission and you've been helping out in the infirmary
so looks like ur the one taking care of him today
and turns out his injury is bad enough to land him an extended stay in his lil hospital bed
and after a few days of u taking care of him
with ur red face and soft stuttered words
he learns that you're not so bad
and he actually enjoys being around you
and being taken care of
won't voice this tho
but when Aoi comes in to give him his meds one day he gives himself away by accident
with a
"where's y/n?"
he's a blushing grumbling mess after that lol
after he discharged best believe the next time he gets injured he's not even going to the infirmary
he's hunting u tf down
nobody else gets to take care of him except YOU
and thats period.
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