#im genuinely so fucking mentally ill
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BITCH,,, I just watched the cruella deville movie that came out a while back and..... mother.... I am.... so hnngngngng oh my fucking God she's so real literally a masterclass in character design and arcs my lifeblood my darling my pookie Emma stone you are so magnificent oh my fuckingnshsnq Jesus fucking christ i am so I can't even speak
#fandom#cruella#cruella 2021#cruella de vil#autism#actually autistic#im genuinely so fucking mentally ill#i need her so bad#im so gay#shes just like me fr
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“he was mentally ill. this monster was a- was a sick fantasy. a product of his dementia.”
“…i saw it too. does that make me disturbed? demented? does… that make me sick too?”
#txf#the x files#dana scully#fox mulder#folie a deux#this episode … this EPISODE!!!!!!#genuinely so indicative of how much they trust each other….#between mulder just . having to rely on scully for the last part of the ep#scully thinking he’s off his fucking rocker and still looking into what he asks her to look into bc she TRUSTS him . bc she LOVES him !!!!#and maybe he’s a little nuts but goddamnit she will at least check it out !! just in case he’s right!!!#AND she lies for him all the time . i mean she always does this whenever he decides to go nuts But specifically in this ep…#looks skinner in the eye and goes . yea man im totally fully with mulder on this . and he’s definitely not being weird and i definitely kno#what’s going on with him#she lies for mulder all the time its soooo…#anyways . drawing wise this drove me nuts i hate drawing mulder . he’s so hard for me to draw#they’re kinda kirie and shuichi coded in the bottom part but . well . why not . might as well be#ALSOOO i chose that quote for the bottom bc . well . does she think he’s crazy? like actually for real?#i feel like every time scully talks about mulder (up to season five at least as thats where im at) its contained in some way?#in her reports . to family . to skinner . to mulder !#i think the only time she’s Really honest is in the confessional but even then…#bc its not like she’s against speaking her mind . i mean generally and situational but for ppl she’s close to she usually isnt#but when it comes to mulder it always feels contained and like she’s making excuses for him (he is always her exception .#llike whenevrr he gets some disease or affliction or whatever she ALWAYS jumps to going ‘but well… sometimes there’s this excuse’ and she#does this w a lot considering shes science focused but w mulder shes always like . well he ISNT crazy because uhhhh .#this hyperspecific scenario that is in no fuckin way the case)#but does she think he’s crazy? does HE think she thinks he’s crazy?#is he asking about this specific case or is he asking in general? over the entirety of the show?#its been five years scully. is he crazy? sick? demented?#has this all been a sick fantasy fueled by mental illness? youre the doctor scully . surely you have the answer?#anyways i dont think she knows . and if that is the case — what does that mean for her?
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“I don’t care what [Barty] says, Dumbledore’s not stupid”: On Barty as Machiavel

i think we're all forgetting the moment where harry explicitly draws a parallel between barty & remus and i wrote the world’s longest post about it
under a close reading, moody!barty operates in a manner that is SO distinct from canon!moody, and i think it’s made especially apparent in the way he interacts with students & the virtues he emphasizes in his lessons. even when disguised, barty has a machiavellian tendency that comes through consistently in several different moments.
i think this quote is a weaker example, but “very tactful” is NOT something that would be used to describe canon!moody under any circumstances. c!moody’s lack of social tact is a known characteristic, and barty uses his tactless reputation to get away with his machinations (see: the dustbin excuse, breaking into snape’s office, even the ferret to an extent).
on the other hand, BARTY is clever and subtle and manipulative, and we see this coming through in how he handles neville. the biggest difference between him and c!moody is the way that barty!moody tends to openly value or praise Cleverness & Craftiness above more moody-ish virtues like bravery, loyalty, or Taking Care of His Students’ Safety… but i think the most interesting part of all this is the way that harry reacts to it.
the hp books notoriously do this clumsy thing where the morality is starkly Black/White (as ursula leguin rightfully criticized). but seemingly arbitrary categories like “gryffindor” or “slytherin” are also conflated with this strict Good/Evil dichotomy. which results in these random-ass traits like “brave 😎🦁” and “cunning 💀🐍” also taking on moral associations within the world of the text (jkr has also done this with physical traits & racial stereotypes, which is vile)
but an overarching theme in hp is harry grappling with this dumbass in-world black/white morality & unlearning part of it (ex: snape, the epilogue w albus severus about slytherin). but i think it’s sooo interesting that one of the few characters (aside from snape & dumbledore) to demonstrate & valorize a machiavellian tendency AND be admired for it (by harry) is LITERALLY barty jr.
like! barty’s tact is not a good thing in-canon! he uses his tact to get away with murder & torture & elaborate terrorist plots (he’s part of a group of death eaters described as having "managed to talk their way out of azkaban” p. 527) but i looove that the same trait which allows him to do all sorts of Dastardly Evil is cast as positive and remus-like in this moment. obviously i don’t think jkr was doing of this on purpose, but i love how these little things are unintentionally more compelling than whatever the hell she was trying to do with snape. and it goes deeper!!

this moment is especially telling of barty’s character, to me. subbing out the names, “I don’t care what [Barty] says… Dumbledore’s not stupid” is a CRAZY line.
it’s lowkey THE barty!moody thesis in comparison to c!moody: nothing we’ve seen from c!moody would even remotely suggest that he’d EVER imply that dumbledore is stupid. (c!moody adopts the “it’s imperative that we blindly trust dd’s mysterious plans” attitude that most of the adults in harry’s life take, that hermione re-emphasizes here). but barty’s attitude is something that harry heavily fucks with in this moment!!
that’s all i really have to say about The Implications or whatever. but i want to call more attention to moments in canon where barty’s tendencies shine through his disguise because (unlike most marauders characters) his personality is really fleshed-out. especially this aspect of it. my silly
i. "mind works the right way, granger"
barty speaking about dumbledore like he’s stupid (💀) is enjoyable for several reasons up to & including how big-dicked it is of him, but most importantly i think it’s symptomatic of an overarching theme of his character. in GOF, barty has a tendency to take stock of the people around him, according to what appears to be a really concrete & consistent set of internal values: he values cleverness matched with a certain degree of ruthlessness.

this bit with hermione is fun. there are about ~6-7 other instances where he praises cleverness, but that’s not really a unique or noteworthy thing to value? but the phrasing in this quote is my favorite. i know that it’s in reference to the skillset required of an auror, but the phrasing of “mind works the right way” can be applied to so much of barty’s character if you reach hard. i love that barty’s language almost casts the mind as something rote & mechanical which can function right or wrong.
but anyway it only becomes interesting when placed in context of THIS earlier interaction:

there are endless ways barty could have gone about guiding harry to use his firebolt here, so his specific phrasing holds a lot of weight to me. (keep in mind: he’s prompting harry to feel that he came up with the firebolt/accio idea, but this whole plan was concocted by barty himself much earlier. he’s on the “convince harry to do my broomstick dragon thing” step of his overarching scheme)
in a sense, by “inspiring” harry to do what HE already independently decided was best, he’s sort of… giving away his own reasoning, a little? the italicized emphasis on enabling oneself to “get what you need” feels… unnecessary, in context? i love that THAT is where emphasis slips into his voice because it betrays his values.
barty’s Revenge Scheme is insanely fucking convoluted, but at every stage i think that logic is there. in his villain monologue where he rehashes the deranged level of micro-managing he was doing to get harry to resurrect voldemort, at every individual step he was following his own advice. to barty, sometimes murder is just the Simplest Spell to Get What He Needs.
according his own advice, barty sees the clearest path between two points, and generally has 0 ethical qualms about closing that distance by the Simplest means possible. he later confirms this by describing harry’s morality introducing complications as “contend[ing] with [his] stupidity” (676)
ii. “good boy,” growled [barty]. “i can make good use of this…”

the scene where barty acquires the marauders map is CRAZYY.. for a moment, barty is so excited & taken aback that we see a few of his genuine reactions. i love that absolutely nothing manages to faze him EXCEPT genuine delighted shock over an interesting new tool he can implement in his schemes. (sidenote: he probably recognized the marauders’ nicknames, which is so funny)
that fact that we have a canonical barty crouch jr “good boy” makes me claw at the walls. anyway. i feel that i don’t need to explain how “i can make good use of this… this might be exactly what i’ve been looking for” supports characterization of barty as a scheming little machiavel because it’s pretty much explicitly stated right there.
but this quote stands out for his genuine preoccupation with it. from the instant that barty sees the map, his eyes don’t leave it— his eye “whizzed over [it’s] surface” (491), he questions harry about how his name appeared when he searched snape’s office (”’Crouch,’ he said. ‘You’re— you’re sure, Potter?’” (491))— all while harry is sinking into a trick staircase & getting concerned that moody is ignoring him.


“penetrating glare” ← top barty rights!
the image of him getting new information, questioning harry about it tactfully, and then spending A FULL MINUTE silently integrating it, is one of my favorite instances of him in the book… it’s like you can hear the gears in his head whirring. i like that we can see this type of assessment that he does extends to other people, when he turns it on harry and “size[s] him up”.
AND ALL OF THIS IS WITHOUT EVEN GETTING INTO WHAT HIS LESSONS WERE LIKE
this post is long enough as it is! but all that’s left to say is that barty will always be at his most interesting when you pay attention to canon… there’s another longpost that could be written about barty!moody’s differences in disposition. the jokes he cracks, his relative lightness, and the sheer number of times he was openly like “FUCK the law i do what i want” (while literally masquerading as a literal wizard cop) are so intriguing. but that’s for another time
#barty meta tag#this is genuinely mental illness at this point but writing these brings me. so much delight#im not even making an argument at this stage i’m just going through gof with a fine comb for Barty Moments That Fuck#saints speaks 🐇
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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry
( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)
(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)
#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him#I always knew he was a parental figure for me#but now I connected the dots#How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life#that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so#and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life#ofc ud become attached#i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him#he occupies most of my thoughts honestly#But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life#i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an#bloom and be free#and that's what ill try to do#but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness#its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired#somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea#how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi#g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if#lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways#sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay#yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le#go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk#how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate#my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t#me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol#so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest#y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t#ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti#ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd
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The interesting experience of being pro Sasuke, anti konoha, pro tobirama, anti Naruto ending, pro Sasusaku, anti Itachi, pro Sakura, anti SasuNaru, pro Tobirama×Izuna, anti Madara, pro karin, anti Orochimaru, pro Uchiha and anti Hashirama. And also as much as I hate the guy danzo was kind of hot when he was younger...
#I FEEL ITS VERY IMPORTANT TO SAY THAT I COMPLETELY RESPECT SNS TO THE ULTIMATE DEGREE AND I AGREE WITH THEIR SHIPPERS ON MOST THINGS#BUT THE SHIP STILL KINDA PISSES ME OFF IDK WHY IM SORRY IT JUST RUBS ME THE WRONG WAY I HAVE TRIED TO LOVE IT I REALLY HAVE BUT I CANT#AND MADARA HAD SOME GOOD POINTS BUT I THINK ITS SHITTY THAT HE ABANDONED HIS CLAN AND THEN PLOTTED THE END OF THE FUCKING WORLD#ALSO ITACHI HAD LIKE OTHER OPTIONS!???? WHY THE FUCK DID HE TORTURE SASUKE TWICE LIKE 😭😭😭#WHAT WAS THE POINT MY G WHY ARE YOU TORTURING HIM I THINK THE MENTAL IMAGE OF THEM DYING WAS ENOUGH DIDNT NEED TO GIVE HIM 500000 EXAMPLES#WE AS A SOCIETY DO NOT TALK ENOUGH ABOUT THE FACT THAT WHEN MADARA ASKED HASHIRAMA TO EITHER KHS OR KILL TOBIRAMA#TOBIRAMA GENUINELY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT THAT HASHIRAMA WOULD GO AFTER HIS THROAT FOR LIKE- THIS GUY WHO HE USED TO THROW STONES WITH!???#ITS SO DIFFICULT TO FIND PEOPLE WHO UNDERSTAND SASUKES TRAUMA AND WHO LIKES SASUSAKU 😭😭#COS LIKE ILL 100% ADMIT THAT THE RELATIONSHIP WAS WRITTEN SHITILY AND SUCKED AND DESPITE THE FACT THAT THEYRE SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE BROTHERS#SNS HAS BETTER WRITING THAN SSK OR NRHN SOMEHOW???? ITS WRITTEN SO WELL PEOPLE GENUINELY BELIEVE THE ORIGINAL PLOT HAD SNS PLANNED#BUT ALSO SAKURA IS SO SILLY AND STRONG AND DID ANY OF YOU READ SASUKE RETSUDEN “Trapped by a body he knew perfectly”#OKAY SASUKE YOURE ON A MISSION??? CALM THE FUCK DOWN 😭😭#NO AND IN LIKE SSK FICS SASUKE IS SOME BAD BOY WHO JUST SMIRKS AND IS EMOTIONLESS AND SAKURA IS SOOOOO EMOTIONAL FUCK OFF YOU TWATS!!!!#SASUKE IS THE KITTEN!! SAKURA SO OBVIOUSLY RADIATES DADDY ENERGY YALL ARE FUCKING INSANE!!!#WHY DO WE GET KITTEN SASUKE IN EVERY OTHER SHIP BUT THE FUCKING CANON ONE!! AT MY FUCKING!!!! LIMIT!!!#FIND SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS THE COMPLEXITYS OF SASUKES CHARACTER AND UNDERSTANDS WHAT TRAUMA DOES TO A PERSON YET DOESNT HATE SSK CHALLENG#Uh oh I went a bit mad there hahaha#I REGRET NOTHING SASUKE DID NOTHING WRONG SAKURA IS GIRL BOSS AND THE NARUTO WORLD IS EITHER UNEXPLAINABLY VIOLENT OR FAR TOO FORGIVING#naruto#naruto shippuden#itachi uchiha#pro sasuke#haruno sakura#Pro Sakura#Sasuke Uchiha#sasuke did nothing wrong#It looks awkward to just go from all those long tags to the iddy bitty ones#Moldy-flowers#Kitten and daddy? Tf am i on about I've been watching too much game grumps shi 😭😭
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Reminder that Otohiko Meichi is my oc thats MY guy MYYYY character. thats my son. and anything that fucking guy says about him isnt true💙
#im so violent about him im sorry#otohiko is my character. whatever alex says isnt fucking true.#im still like tweaking out about it im sorry i get crazy about my favs#fuck fuck fuckfuckfukc#otohiko is my guy :( my character :( and kyuji is my character too :( im so upset like genuinely#ough. the curse of being mentally ill about a character.#obligatory goggle rambles
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BACK TO WHITEBOARD GAMERS!!!!
Eden(the blue skrunkly in the last photo) belongs to victheclown
#incredibox#incredibox fanart#colorbox#evadare#xrun#colin#edward#morgan#eden#oc#im gonna be real with you guys i know nothing about colorbox ;A;#it seems good!!! i saw the yellow ones animations and they were so fucking good#genuinely Very close to an actual incredibox mod and not just a scratch mod#the sounds seem good as well but i only heard the yellow ones and i didnt listen to the full mix so#i dont remember if ive drawn morgan before but here he is now#idk if those red marks under his eyes are bags or paint but either way#mans mentally ill(affectionate)/lh#edens hair was so fun to draw omg#you do not understand#their hair is so cute#im gonna give them a kiss on the forehead
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spy shenanigans

yes this is a sonic boom reference
#sonic boom reference lmao#im so mentally ill#AI generated#what the fuck am i doing#gemini ai#ai image#ai generated#ceph the hedgehog#i cant#sth oc#oc#sth x oc#sonic the hedgehog oc#sonic oc#sonic x oc#sonic x reader#am i a furry?#i genuinely want to know
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im so infinitely stressed rn i need to get off here
#camera talks#fuckkk#sighhhghsghg#sorry yall im like. on the verge of tears#this is genuinely like. the start of like 'the rest of my life' year and its. not looking like a good 4 years at all#i have to change my gender marker on my license back (safety. my states not red but its not Good either) and like.#i was already planning to at this point but its hitting me how much it meant to me to have that piece of me be like. known ? ig??#and i feel lucky that my name is already legally changed and its a fairly neutral to masc name so i think im fine#but like. do i really have to go into my job field like this? will i have to not be trans for the first 'real' steps of my life?#im fucking. upset#and im so so angry#i dont feel like i can look to HRT or surgery in my future rn#and i Know we're going to get through this#but like. im so tired of being unknown and hidden but its not like i can do anything about it now or ever anyways#like im already misgendered all the time so it doesn't Matter i guess#and very little people know of my relationships in the grand scheme of things so i guess im just going to keep keeping those hidden ish#but i dont Want to ! i want to be proudly queer and in love because i Am !! so like augh i dont know#im just so so upset#being queer is Me and i hate having to hide this part of myself for so fucking long#no wonder i related to old queers writing and stuff. augh. im thinking about them a lot. lots of them got through this#lots of them had lives they were proud of for the most part and i just hope i get that too#and im not even good at passing as cis or straight i dont think#like. im not going to try to that badly but as much as i dont pass for transsexual im easy to clock as weird gender#and fucked up mentally ill and aughghh#i dont even want to think about not getting mental health and disability resources#okay whatever im logging off or at least shutting down tumblr now#im just scared and worried i guess. i dont know#fuck
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I'd be more into gravity falls right now if the fandom wasn't so allergic to being happy bc I'll be honest since trying to join I can't find. ANYTHING cute or happy its all SAD.
#lloyds meowing#i cant go on twitter or tiktok without being bombarded by angst regarding characters in this fucking show#just once dawg. ONE HAPPY HEADCANON OR FANFIC OR COMIC OR SOMETHING. IM BEGGING#idk. ill probably delete this later#but it genuinely breaks my heart that im too much of a big dumb crybaby to enjoy the g.f. fandom#this bullshit of crying when anything remotely big or sad or FUCK.#i even cry when i see good good fnaf and dsaf stuff bc im so proud to be around such talented people#but i dont have a friend to talk to bc if i try to talk or even text i get so worked up i cry#and i guess im just not fun to have a conversation with generally.#idk. im gonna delete this before i get off work tonight#im sorry you have to read the ramblings of a mentally ill and troubled man
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Just watched round 6 of alnst. They're my 13th reason why. My Roman empire. They're the most to ever. I'm just going to throw myself into oblivion now.
#leaf yapping#live sobbing in the metro rn#i have nothing but a SOCK to wipe my nose#everytime i think about it i burst into tears again#im gonna fucking lose ot#laying on the ground for this one#ive genuinely been feeling physical stress for this round#and now im feeling pain#i cant do this anymore#vivinos ur on my blacklist now#ong i cant take this#im so mentally ill about them#its all over#ivantillover#im sniffling like i got 7 diseases from the middle age
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i said i wasnt gonna do it but damnit i took the voluntary time off offering today with work because god ive been so fucking stressed these past few days that i need to just not be there. i still have work today but its just 3 hours and itll give me more time to sleep (even though i slept a bunch-) and maybe even take care of myself more.
plus i need to mail off this check later today and i just dont feel like getting up from bed.
body hurts, and im just so tired, but im glad pride month is tomorrow. i hope theres so much pride fanart on my dash then
#i hate being this way#in pain and stressed that is#its all because of this health insurance bill and genuinely being confused about this check#and then my data took a shit on me yesterday and i couldnt really use my phone when i got home#to google questions about the check bc it said i needed to put my state id on it and i didnt know if i could/should#and i also didnt know who tf is supposed to “endorse” the check either because its made out to the state so its all just so confusing#i think i figured it out but fuck i just feel so mentally exhausted from this. its not even like a big deal to normal adults??? but ive#never had to go through this before and im so indecisive and i need to know what to do with indepth instructions or else ill feel anxious#i just need a break from work and just the world
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I am SOOOOOO normal about chip jrwi I'm so normal I'm so so so so normal about chip jrwi IM SOSOS FUCKIGJGNG NORMAL ABOTUT THSIS GUY IM NORMLA IM NORMAL IM NORMAL <- gnawing at the bars in its enclosure
#not to be a little slash silly but i just finished the backstory episode between him and jay#i cannot stim because im currently sleeping on the top bunk of a bunk bed rn during a camping trip and it would make a lot of noise#but ive never felt actual genuine pain like i just did having to repress it.#sooooooooooo mentally ill about him#MY BASTARD <3 <3#HE WAS BACK TO BEING FULL BASTARD FOR JUST ONE DAY#ONLY ONE EPISODE#AND YOU CAN SEE HOW MUCH HE HAS GROWN AND DEVELOPED AS A CHARACTER#BUT GOD.#IVE MISSED MY LITTLE FUCKING RAT BASTARD MAN SO MUCH#i make yet anothet post just for me 👍#jrwi#chip
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goal for 2025 is to slowly get normaller so i can leave all the chronically online groups i am part of and instead migrate to normal people places
#reinstalling facebook. playing valorant again. ignoring the mental illnesses#and im already in one normaller server! feels so hashtag slay#i have decided that being a kinnie and genuine on the internet is a fucking retarded activity. i need to find a way to make myself normalle#g-d i wish so bad i wasnt fucking intersex so i could reasonably go back to being cis. alas i cant pass as a woman either !#delete later#at least i can try to be straight. stop using retarded ass pronouns. look normal irl. get out of the stupid system kinnie fandomy spaces
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Who said "it gets better". I want a word with you, you sadistic Fuck
#it gets better#nah bitch#who lied#I hope they never see the light#I am genuinely this close#fuck school#i am so tired#fuck mental illness#fuck mentalhealth instutitions#everytime I think I moved forwards im reminded that I am in fact alone
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It's genuinely so stupid to imply that one cannot be a martyr and also mentally ill
#im not speculating on Aaron's mental health bc it's literally none of my business but even if he was. so fucking what?#like genuinely do you think mentally ill people cant make their own decisions? does mental illness exclude one of being an activist?#most of our generation can be classified as mentally ill#being critical of the systems we exist under can be and is very often classified as mental illness#it is a mostly meaningless categorization when the ruling class can apply it to whoever they see fit#ganja talks#free palestine
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