#im fine. im like actually so happy right now
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I Love You. Im Sorry.
SUMMARY : Angst , no happy ending , heartbreak , mention of y/n
christophersturniolo posted on instagram
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hello private account π
TAGGED : ameliaroselordi
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USER : what happend to y/n?
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Y/NBURNIOLO : chris?, what is this?
βͺοΈ CHRISTOPHERSTURNIOLO : y/n. I Can explain
NICOLASSTURNIOLO : chris? what the fuck. call me
MATTSTURNIOLO : really? cheating on y/n with a bougie bitch
βͺοΈ Y/NBURNIOLO : Ily matt
USER : this was NOT your private account.
βͺοΈ USER : no shit sherlock
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After seening chris new post on instagram i didnt know how to react. Do i be mad, Sad? Im honestly both right now. He made me look so stupid, Atleast i know the reason hes been ghosting me. For some rip off blonde bitch thats been wanting to be me?. I always choose the wrong guys. I feel like a fucking fool.
INCOMING CALL β Chris π β
I pick it up β What Do You Want Chris? β i spoke softly into the microphone waiting for him to start talking. β Y/n You Have To Let Me Explain! β he says quickly β No Chris You Left Me For Some Bougie Bitch. β I say hanging up starting to tear up all over again. I hear my door open β Chris?! What The Fuck Get Out! β i say shouting at him with tears coming down my face
TWO AUGUSTS AGO .
β Please Y/n, Im Sorry. Let Me Explain β He spoke softly β Why Chris?, What Is There To Even Explain. β I say sitting back on my bed avoiding any type of eye contact with chris. β Y/n It Was A Honest Mistake. I Promise. β
THATS THE WAY LIFE GOES .
β Chris.. We Have To Stop Seeing EachOther. We Either Have To Break Up Or Take A Break. β I spoke firmly holding back the tears that im fighting β Y/n We Cant Break Up. β He Says Sounding Hurt But Im Not Gonna Fall For His Tricks Anymore.
I LOVE YOU, IM SORRY.
β Please Y/n. I Love You, Im Sorry. β He Spoke confidently sitting down next to me trying to hold my hand. β But You Still Cheated On Me Right? And You Choose The Girl i HATED The Most. β I say pushing his hands away from mine
YOU WERE THE BEST BUT YOU WERE THE WORST
β Y/n Just One More Chanc- β I cut him off β No Chris. Leave My House, And Dont Call Or Text me. β I say making my final decision And pointing at the front door giving him a sign for him to actually leave. β Fine. Bye Y/n I Love You β
THATS JUST THE WAY LIFE GOES
His i love you sounded so real but maybe im in denial. I hate men, They never know what they want. I feel Like a loser for whatever just happened just now. Its not like chris but maybe its my mind thinking that.
Y/N HAS CHANGED HER INSTA USER β0hnoy/nβ
0hnoy/n has posted on instagram
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The β I love youβs β that are repeated in my head like a music note.
TAGGED : oliviarodrigo
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USER : Bye y/ns Really pretty π
β€οΈ by 0hnoy/n
OLIVIARODRIGO : Our pumpkins weβre so good π!!
βͺοΈ 0HNOY/N : I agree MY FAV ONE GOT MESSED UP.
CHRISTOPHERSTURNIOLO : i meant it
βͺοΈ USER : what does this mean ?
βͺοΈ 0HNOY/N : Idk him
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CHRIS π
y/n please talk to me
Y/N πβ€οΈ
What?
CHRIS π
Can we try over?
Y/N πβ€οΈ
Not a chance chris. Stop texting me or im blocking you.
CHRIS π
But!
*a contact has been blocked*
A few months later I made a song called β I love you im sorry β Publishing it. It blew up and i gained more support and followers supporting my music i even gained some fanpages and edits. Until i seen a dm from someone i never wanted to see again.
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A/N : sorry guys deal w that ending cus idk how to end this story AND I LIKE NEVER WRITED BEFORE SO THIS IS KINDA MY FIRST STORY PLS GUVE TIPS OR SMTH THANK U.
#Spotify#chris sturniolo#christopher sturniolo#matt sturniolo#matt sturniolo fluff#nick sturniolo#nicolas sturniolo#sturniolo fanfic#sturniolo smut#sturniolo triplets#sturniolo x reader#explore#ansgt
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My comic is so pretty...
The hiatus is letting me take a little extra time on these episodes, and I'm definitely putting it to good use!!!
#almost done with my 8th episode... which will give me. two weeks. of buffer...#id really like at LEAST a month... but to be more comfortable id like two#which means 2-6 more episodes before I come back!#I've got about 7 weeks so its possible. but i do still have to finish book 4#so much to do ..........#I decided for my next comic im doing 3 updates a month.#having 10 days instead of 7 to make an episode is such a huge huge huge difference...#difference in quality and in my health!#anyways the comic is really pretty im really happy with the work im doing rn#the environments especially. im getting to spend a nice amount of time on them and theyre turning out so nicely#its nice to be able to write with a lot of different environments and not have to redo panels when I get to them cause of time#cause every time theres a wild angle? you need a new background...#so sometimes. often actually. there just isnt the time to make the backgrounds for those and i have to make them more flat...#which is fine. it doesnt really affect anything narratively. but. idk. it's kinda sad right?#anyways yeah! 10 days will be much better.#36 episodes a year is about what ive been uploading with my hiatuses on the weekly schedule anyways!#so might as well cut out that super stressful middleman and just commit to that#52 a year is just such a huge difference and i have to accept its not possible to me#i will hurt myself trying to do that. and i want to make comics my whole life!#so i cant push myself that hard now and sacrifice my future. we're gonna go slower after this...#anyways yeah cant wait to come back but also time. if I could get an extra week like a secret one just for me#where theres no chores no nothin just me and my work#thatd be great! so go ahead and do what you gotta do to give me a little pocket dimension#me: ugh i want to return right now...#the more logical me: NO we need the time to finish everything!!!!!! NOT right now!!!!#time and time again#ttawebcomic#comic panels#hiatus stuff#adam and steve
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maybe i need meds???
#knocks on skull like GOD CAN YOU JUST FUCKING EMOTIONALLY REGULATE I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD#been swinging wildly between 'i need help' & 'im faking it' every single HOUR#the thing is. and this is the thing. my life right now is as close to perfect as i'll ever get there is literally nothing wrong#im MEANT to be HAPPY why am i UNSTABLE#im thinking meds maybe but also it's just such a pain#to book a drs appt to get put on a mental health plan to be put on a waiting list for a shrink then convince said shrink that I need meds#sounds painful#don't think I can do it...#but. ive booked a drs appt so baby steps.#but see like I booked it on wed bc I was very much going to have a breakdown at my desk then immediately felt silly on thurs morning bc#I felt fine??? then hours later I was like no. not fine actually#im going to fucking chuck#hex.txt#personal#personal posts are only on this blog bc u guys are more used to hearing me blabber bullshit than my main#does anyone wanna tell me some good news or something nice happening in their life
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I think about that tiktok trend where you like paint your partners eye color on your nails or make a bracelet or something with the color a lot actually
#like its so cute honestly but sometimes i wonder how hard it would actually be to like find the right color match#maybe one day... but for now probably expect oc art with this trend in it maybe π#the thing about it too is i have like dark eyes and idk if ive ever seen like a dark brown nail polish. beads or thread yeah but ya#oh nvm i googled. it exists i just dont pay attention ig#OH you know what i can do... i can paint pepperonis eye color on my nails.... my baby... my kitty......#dude it feels like 5 am why is it only 2#amyways. 4 monsters was a big mistake i think... i feel quite icky...#it doesnt help i didnt eat for a majority of the day it was just monster. im really unhealthy. need water maybe#wait i was talking about nail polish how did i get here#i just want to actually do cute couple things. i must heal. im gonna be so healthy.#its fine. lmao. i just know im not ready#oh i did eat btw dont worry lmao i had. chicken nuggets#i actually have to eat more bc i need to gain back some weight or they wont let me donate plasma#my extra pokemon money..... nawr...#i dropped like 10 pounds. my current job is very physical. lots of scuttling around.#i thought about working out too? i had a short phase last year in like spring or something where i started doing workout type stuff#so like.. maybe. probably should. healtly mindset shit yk#i also maybe want some more clothes. like update my wardrobe a bit. really figure out my style.#like some cool shirts and maybe pants. cause i wear a lot of the same stuff#also again. dropped weight so. need better fitting pants.....#i want more mens pants. big pockets... gender....#anyways. nice chatting with you besties. love you guys my silly little tumblr besties.#some of you that follow this sideblog have supported me on here for a while. i see you. i appreciate you. thank you π#genuinely there are names that pop up and im like !! hello!!! its you!!!!!#you guys probably know who you are. go get yourself a little treat you deserve it. or like. idk what you enjoy.#play a good game. watch your favorite show. idk. be happy. love yourself.#this also goes out to those of you who are more passive on my blog. i appreciate you too!! thank you!#all my little tumblr followers.... my besties..... unles you are a bot i havent cleared out lmao#k i might have to go to bed idk im tired well see
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π¦Ή Χ π π οΌ β Ϋͺ
#i dont know there's just... smth within me that craves it. in a profound wat#way** -_-#like... i am just someone who is made to love and be loved. that is what i want in this world in this life#i dont have any dreams or aspirations. all i need and want is to love#and since i dont have that in my life i am so deeply unhappy#and like i dont give a fuck about the 'love yourself#be whole by yourself. live a full life on your own#dont be happy bc of other ppl' blah blah blah#i dont care. my world view is that we are all different. we are all made of various stuff and we all need different things#(in my opinion; as long as u dont hurt anyone.... depending on intent... like depending on who u hurt and why.. as long as u dont harm#random innocent ppl for no fkn reasonand without consent. it is all fine)#the truth about the world is that none of us got all the fkn answers and we have no fkn right to demand that everybody lives according to a#made up book of rules. that's like actual insanity to me.#maybe someone else's way of living is crazy TO YOU. but theyre doing what they can to get by and thats none of your business#maybe u dont get it. maybe u dont understand. but someone else's life isnt for u to understand. only to look away and move on#if u arent compatible. needing to beat everyone down into the little box u have created is like... unrealistic and unsustainable lol#and i think that what i need as a person is nothing but love. deep profound love. which is sad bc that isnt really...#easy having my personality disorder :// plus that is smth very very rare and only a lucky few can experience that#i think i could still be happy in a healthy relationship where mutual like exists. even if... i know now that feeling that love is possible#idc if someone else is like omg thats so unhealthy gurlll love ya self gurlll. thats not what i need#everyone lives differently and yeah for some ppl it is much much harder#to get by bc we arent 'normal' or 'sane' or whatever. but it isnt wrong or incorrect#i just think im so so unhappy bc this is the one thing i need#and now me and my heart are like a withering flower#all i can hope... is that one day it will bloom. maybe one day.#but yeah no matter the amounts of work i do on myself (which i am trying to do lmfao stfu) or therapy#as long as i lack the one thing my soul craves iwill be dim and dull and feel numb
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Vent post lol
Fighting for my life out here
(Afraid everyone who loves me will not care about me anymore once I transition, Iβll go from relatively pretty girl to ugly freak, I have no idea how to be future me)
#happy pride ig#vent post#also like I think freaks are hotπ but itβs so hard to find other like actual genuine weird people irl#yall only live on timblr apparently#so glad the whole βI was never good at being a (gender assigned at birth)β βI always knew from a young ageβ narrative helps people but like#Iβve successfully lived as a girl for so long I donβt even know how to go about changing#I want to so bad I feel like Iβm in drag but itβs so exhausting to live that way#Im so tired of doing it#but I have so much longer till I can start hrt#I feel so dysphoric about the way I talk/walk/am in general#like how do you even go about changing your mannerisms#like I know thereβs no right way to be a man but also like the specific man I emulate is definitely not me#at least not right now#idk how much of that is like normal and fine or if Iβm just weird lol#Iβve never really seen anyone talk about that part of being trans before so idk if Iβm like super out of left field with this one
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holy fuckkk i just witnessed a breakup in real time holy fuck haha ????? im losing ittttt
#i didnt like his ass anyways lmfaooooπ€£#he seemed fine actually i just get suspect of my friend's partners#maybe itts the pawsible bpd idk most of time theyre chill but. eyebrow raise.#like.. u better treat my SPOUSE right...#and i guess he wasnt LMFMAOOAOOAOAOO#selfishly i am happy but mostly i am just happy that they got out of a relationship that they werent happy in :) you love to see it#ok well now im . distracted. how am i supposed to bavck to working now. im invested bro#i am way too damn nosy when it comes to people i like kjhshjkdgjhjsdaff#i wanna ask her so bad more about it but i dont wanna. be tOO NOSY...π\\#ive had friends break up w ppl b4 but NEVER in frony of me.... π#cray cray#hollowspeak
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-___- i need to find a bookshelf thats been thrown out again .. theres no good trash here .. there's GREAT trash next door and i thiiiiiink enough time has passed that i feel comfortable walking over there sometimes and scouring their dumpsters every once in awhile
#especially at the end of the month .. when everyone's moving and dumping the things they're deciding not to take#or just moving in and dumping the things they decided dont fit their new place#i stiiiill regret not being able to take that perfect lil corner shelf that came with a tube tv just plopped right onto it... ugh ..#i wish i even took just the tv even .... ahhhuh...#it was RIGHT when i was moving outta there and i was awake for like 2.5 days and i was so exhausted i was like. im just going to go home#(new home) (so happy) (sitting in it now) (getting to live here ... 3)#and i passed out .. and when i got my gumption & came back to see if the shelf was there it was gone .... ;__; missed it#but there was ALWAYS really nice trashes there .. gotta see sometime ..#worried i'll be hit with like a dumping fine even though im TAKING .. but .. yknow actiually...#my old roommate never officially lived there but they still were able to dump a lot of trash off there and never got hit with anything#im... actually almost certainly fine if thats the case ...!
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the joy of receiving things vs the uncomfort of accepting a gift
#i love gifts so so so much in theory#but#i dont know how to actually receive one#am i supposed to reciprocate???? probably#how do i know what to get someone else?#even people i think i know pretty well i dont know what a good gift would be#once you get a gift is there an unspoken debt? is there an owing?#even if they dont expect a gift back they probably expect something right?#i feel like i went through most of life not even thinking about any of this#i would get something and be so so happy and caught up in the gift that i didnt even consider there would be a debt owed#but now im just. not sure.#i dont know what people expect. ive been given a warning for one person i know is getting me something#i need to figure oit some fucking. fuck#whatever. think about it later#like ur supposed to at least idk. just OWE them something. a favor or extra kindness or idk idk idk#ughhhhhhhh#whatever i literally dont even care and it doesnt worry me at all and im not even thinking ont so its fine
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I am so high I love you dabs I love you big bong rips I love you huge heavy bong I love you only having 20 dollars to my name and no plans but getting high and ignoring it I love you oh no Iβm thinking about it
#I want to take an ice cold shower and scream and smoke a whole pack of cigarettes and lock myself in a closet for 72 hours in the dark with#no distractions to figure out what I actually want to do with the rest of my life and to face every bad thought I have and struggle to#ignore even years later like ugh I just need to be at the bottom of the ocean floating sinking alive dead in between for like a month and#then pull me back up and either Iβll be normal or Iβll be so fucked up they just put me back in there#like either way I am vibing at the bottom of the ocean (I have been desperately imaging a sensory deprivation tank all day)#(put me in a fucking sensory deprivation tank until something in my fucking brain rewires and I get worse or better than I am now this#inbetween stage is fucking killing me like what do you mean Iβm not a horrible person but also what do you mean I struggle every day but Iβm#normal but I have things about me other people donβt and alienate me to the point of near total isolation but also this is just how humans#are and I need to take meds and actively struggle to fit into a perfect little box of what a person should be like god damn I am so tired of#getting better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and Iβm miserable and Iβm happy and Iβm sobbing and#I know a month from now Iβll be depressed again or Iβll be the best Iβve ever been and itβs so fucking horrible to be in the middle stage#where I actually have to step up and admit shit is wrong and face it like why canβt I just lay in bed forever until I become the bed and not#like get a job and have a future. ugh. depression is so fucked esp bc most things in my life are normal I guess or like easier than my#friends like we all have seperate challenges but Iβm the only one still living off their parents (ha. parent. forgot for a second.) and the#only thing wrong with my life is the mental health issues but I wonβt step up and deal with it bc I feel like Iβve been depressed for so#long I like fucked up the foundational shit and like I know itβs fine but also I feel so behind and I feel like Iβll be behind and unhappy#forever even when im happy I know the next depressive episode is right around the corner and I give up again. ugh. I hate knowing thatβs#whatβs wrong with me but still not having the energy to step up and fix it. im so pathetic I want to cry. my brain is me but my brain is#destroying my life. anyways. im high and now im sad and have dry mouth. I think im gonna drink ice water and change into shorts+lay in bed)
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on another note, going to college has literally been the start of healing for me. i feel so happy just waking up every morning. theres no dread no dooming feelings. like i just like waking up. maybe this experience will be short-lived, but im honestly excited for my classes too. im waking up before 9am, im eating breakfast, im eating 3 meals a day, im going out into nature, im dressing myself properly, im brushing my teeth, im just like existing, im talking to people, im laughing im smiling im literally happy. i miss and love my friends and family but it feels so fucking good to just be alive and be happy for it.
#like im actually so happy right now#even with the lows that have come along and the sadness and embarrassment and anxiety and everything like. im literally fine im okay
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-(totally unrelated-to-everything-that-are-going-on) real-life situation but I am freaking out, so irl rant-
Wish me luck! π
Tomorrow morning I'll have a talking with the institution I'd like to study from February. And I'm totally panicking right now.
(And I really hope the administrational site for my application won't be glitchy - the deadline for everything is midnight. I uploaded every necessary document which I have in my possession but the page still says those are 'under processing'. - which about I have a constant 'mild' panic and I couldn't sleep at all.)
Anyway, just now, trying to figure out what they will ask tomorrow from me, I wrote a little draft about my related knowledge and experience in the field that my hoped studies are. I tried to seem wise with the wordings but damn, writing anything more serious is much more harder than writing fics - where I rarely care about to be seemed smart.
Good thing is though, that writing in English and having half of my thoughts in English by now (due to writing fics through the past few years) meant help, but still. This is much more different now!
I'm freaking out. This is what I want. And this is what I want since I finished my BSc studies last year. But I am so scared about it right now when finally MSc is an armreach away. I'm excited but at the same time damn scared.
(Sorry, I had to let this out...)
Once I'll have that talk tomorrow, and once the administration is done too, everything depends on the other candidates and on their points. I don't dare to say that everything is a straight path from there but people are not really that masochistic to learn Master's Finance in a foreign (2nd) language... So, (I hope) that I don't have to much to worry about since that point.
But I am panicking now and I fear to have a panic attack about it. Just imagine the green light: once, I am in, I have to give my 100%+ focus on my studies to understand it, then, during the last semesters write a thesis in English. No wonder I'm panicking...
This is my dream for a while, but still. What the hell!
#this is ignorable but im really panicking and being afraid and I need to scream#and need to know that everything will be fine#i wouldnt be able to take another situation in what it turns out my application is not valid - again#i wouldn't be able to take it again so π€π€π€#and I know that hard stuff start from actually studying but still#i swear ill cry during my first class in happiness if i get in#i know ill shed tears so ugly that it would be awkward...#im damn afraid right now#im reading the topics to prepare for the talk tomorrow and i could scratch my screen because i so want to learn these beautiful things#im surely not normal by being obsessed over finance analysing systems and accounting#...but id love it so much! like crazily! π#i even blink toward doing cfa - which is even a higher level but still im considering it rn
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damn i feel miserable/scared/lonely/gay time to paint my nails
#that will require me leaving my room at night which is π¦ but thats ok i can do it im a big boy i can do this.#SIXTEEN YEARS OLD too old for anything to come after me. hopefully#im making it worse for myself#what no sweater does to a mf (WHERE IS MY COMFORTABLE GROUDING CLOTH THINF)#i just need some fucking acetone hhhfjnfnsbsbsbfndm#plus im hungry#plus i need to go to the bathroom#my god ok maybe staying in bed for hours on end doing a simple mindless task and skipping dinner as a result has its consequences#im fine tho i can survive this#i have delicious apple juice with me omg i have delicious apple juice with me several exclamation marks an embarrassih amount actually#the reason why i have to paint my nails is bc i had painted them this lovely blue like a week ago but#i chewed it off πΌ bc i got bored πΌ#so now theres only paint on my right thumb and right . the finger next to the pinky#and its coming off pretty fast#i cant keep avoiding the fact that i have to lwave my room but also i dont wanna do this#its always like this WHY am i afraid of leaving my room i live in a happy home its literally so cosy during the day#why is it so scare when its oh my god its two thirty two am#????????? hello#will i have to survive on this warm apple juice. will i have to pee in its empty box when im done. am i becoming dave strider#either way im sure im reaching a terrible faith#i just have to remember to eat when the sun comes up (i have decided i am mot able to sleep for today i think)#sg.txt
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Rereading ayaka is in love with Hiroko senpai!!! Last time I read it I don't think it was finished/I didn't finish it but ack. Now I also want to be in love πππ
#i want to say i want to be someone like ayaka but in reality im probably more like hiroko#i used to be someone like ayaka. i was really tunnel visioned and i didn't consider much aside from the person i was interested in#but it's been years now and there's a lot more to consider and it's. hard and im even more scared now.#i think there's someone who im currently talking with who's trying to figure out if im into women or not and if im available or not#but it's that sort of thing where there's just. a lot in my shoulders and a lot to consider. i want a relationship eventually but.#there's just so much to consider right now. in the past i thought that as long as i could make my partner happy a rx is just btwn 2 of us#but when i did actually get into a serious long term relationship i realized that most people. do expect getting to have in laws.#people for the most part want to be loved proudly and not have to hide it. and i do too. but at the same time. i just. there's so much on me#i almost came out to my dad the other day while trying to console him. but maybe that news would just be the last straw for him. idk.#i just can't really afford to have my life be shaken up much more right now when i just rebuilt some stability.#especially when my parents are having a midlife crisis and both of them are leaning on me. my health worsening also stressed them out too.#i really thought I'd be braver and have less to worry about the older i got and the more independent i became but. ig not.#in my teens i told myself once i reached adulthood I'd be free to be myself and pursue happiness. in my 20s i tell myself after med school.#maybe once I'm finally out of med school and etc I'll have the opportunity to live my life. or maybe by then there will be another reason.#it's a real concern. i mean. sure I've never wanted kids I've always been ace and I've always liked women but. the societal pressure.#to other queer people the gaydar goes off easily but to the cishet audience i've mostly. been able to go unnoticed.#and when you're younger not having a bf or ppl you're interested in and being focused on your studies is a thing your parents are proud of#but as i get older. it's just been harder. i don't know how much longer i have before i have to conform or have the cat out of the bag.#i don't even get it sometimes. i really don't. the expectation of family and marriage is wanting happiness for your child right? but somehow#idk. idk. i really don't know. sometimes maintaining an image. might be more important than your child's feelings.#and i really can't be certain that between ego and saving face compared to me that. I'll come out on top. i really don't know.#idk. idk. i know there are ppl interested in dating me. but idk. i really need some time to process things through.#sometimes i ask myself how i would feel abt it and i really can't figure out how i feel at all.#it's ok to date someone u don't love ig. i mean. I've done it before. you can make yourself like someone after a while. but idk if i.#idk i just. i think im just really scared. and I'll need at least another month or so before anything is back on the table.#it's honestly just me running away from having to deal with sorting out thoughts and feelings πππ which i eventually will have to face ig#but if i do fall in love ik i have it in me to sort those things out quickly i think. if im not too scared to let myself fall.#ig i just have to get more used to ppl being interested in me again ack π it's easy to ignore it when dating someone but. now.#and it was fine in the summer bc i wasn't really around too many ppl my age. but. ugh. unfortunately. i do have. a face and a personality.#delete later
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i am getting started on productivity for the night but haven't figured out yet if i want to write or art first and there's also the tiny part of my brain that just wants to stare at kabru until it is ok to stop staring at kabru
#i don't talk about fandom stuff much here since i don't really get involved with it#but i do fixate on characters and right now i am circling around him like a wolf#tempted to draw him too but i can never capture his big beautiful eyes properly#i've also been tempted to draw beefcake laios but UHHhh thats for another day and i dont know if i will share that LOL#i finished the manga but i haven't had the energy to watch more of the show so i'm just thinking about the characters on my own and going :#also contemplating if i should draw a pride pfp (unrelated)#basically there is so much to do and it is overwhelming to work through the list#and i keep wanting to add more to it#also need to promo my commissions again more and add those sketches still but trying to figure out how to price them and don't have the#energy to type up explanations for them yet blagh#and i'm trying to balance that βrealistically- i need more income coming inβ with also βbut i can't overwhelm myself with tasksβ#<- which is very unambiguously clear that i do that just fine even without working on things for other people#is it obvious that my therapist relocated and i haven't been given a new one yet.#i can therapize myself So Good (actually overthinking and spiraling)#<- but please do not worry this is actually not a bad spiral which is good it is just a βthings to doβ spiral but it is fortunately#missing the key component of doom and horror and the world ending because i did not accomplish everything right#which is what a bad spiral contains and i've actually been on a pretty good streak avoiding those lately in spite of circumstances!#but if i linger on it it will probably turn into a lie so i will stop doing that#speaking of shows i watched the new episode of kaiju no. 8 today and i am just aggghrrhekrjskfj#i love hoshina so much#and he's been getting a lot of focus in these episodes so im happy#i love the way they animate his fights like!! wow#i need to watch them all on sakugabooru later#but i can't tonight if i want to do things#but i will later because they deserve frame-by-frameing#also i'm going to go pick up two volumes of wind breaker tomorrow i think#unfortunately i ordered them before i learned my hours were getting cut but#i have enough to cover my bills this month and since i'm not buying lunches or dinner for myself anymore because i'm not leaving the house#i'd rather just get them now instead of worrying about someone else buying them if i take too long#and let that be my last personal purchase for awhile
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#atp i need a large lump some of cash . that would fix me .#this isnt ajoke . how the ficm am i 21 and in $[sirens] of debt rn. like . hos the fuck did this happen#ik how it happened. im stupid w money#or was but anyway. its fine . i got things figured out#kinda . not sure what im gonna do abt it but . its fine.#gonna talk to my manager abt my shifts n doing actual barwork soon. bc kime id kill behind ur bar#utilise me#its much easier to pretend im Happy at this place bc i do Love it#like i love my coworkers n i love this job#so it os easier for me to like . just keep up w a poaitive attitude and a smile SJDJDJD#but . i need $10k into my bank acc Right Now. so i can be Free and start over.#hmm.
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