#but I have so much longer till I can start hrt

[willgrahamismybabygirl]

Vent post lol

Fighting for my life out here

(Afraid everyone who loves me will not care about me anymore once I transition, I’ll go from relatively pretty girl to ugly freak, I have no idea how to be future me)

[i-like-forcefem]

PURELY hypothetically speaking, how EXACTLY would you go about forcefemming a guy who’s sooo masc, like he thinks he’s the ALPHA SHIT, he thinks he pulls all the ladies and is the most manly man to ever man… and turning “him” into an adorable little girly princess :3c asking for a friend

For a hard boiled egg like this it’s very important to get her alone in an isolated location for an extended period of time! It always takes a little longer then they’ve got pride, but honestly that makes it so so much more fun when they crack

It’s a bit of a staple, but I think I’ll use my Basement, yes it’s generic, but it’s tried and true, and a girl like this isn’t a time to experiment

Getting her to the basement is usually easy enough, just invite her over for tea or something and apply a little posion of your choice that will have her immobilised, sleepy pills work, but I personally prefer it when you can see the fear in her eyes when they get fully paralysed

I always have my basement prepared for new arrivals, this means a firm lock, and plenty of hand cuffs around the walls and girly furniture for if I want to move her around

The first time she wakes up is always so important and so so fun, so I’ll pick out a good spot to tie her up, I think the plushy couch would be good for this cutie, and make sure to pick a good outfit

For a girl like this I think it’d be best to start with her in just a pair of pink panties, just being handcuffed in a hugging position with a plushy against her skin should be enough embarrassment for the wake up, I’ll also be sure to use my princess gag just to make her first impressions extra cute as she makes muffled screeches

Then I’ll wait till she wakes up, I usually monitor a camera from outside the room and wait to enter, I want her to get a feel for the room and her situation before she sees me, 2 minutes is usually enough for her to glance around the overly girly room, notice she’s tied up, and to start her muffled screams

Then I’ll calmly enter and tell her how she’s my doll now, she’ll have objections of course, being a big bugle “man”, but it’s pretty hard to do anything about your situation when tied up like that

And then I’ll play it slow

I think I can have her docile by the end of the day, dress her up in her first dress (the basement can get very cold so if she doesn’t want to wear her dress that’s fine by me, but she’ll give in by the end of the second day, and to survive that long I’ll probably get some adorable footage of her willingly snuggling up with her many many plushies, hard to think a “man” would do that)

Any food I give her will obviously have hrt inserted into it, but in this case in particular I want to try something new, next to her (estrogen filled) meals I’ll also give her some placebo pills I’ll tell her are actually hrt, and if she’s a Good Girl and takes her pills she’ll be rewarded

Obviously she’ll refuse at first, willingly taking pills is one of the hardest milestones for a girl to pass

But always giving her the option always gives me to opportunity to punish her, and to tell her just how easy it’d be if she just submitted, became my pretty little girl

Now some of the girls have a surprising amount of determination to not become happy, so this might take a while, which is why I’ll give her her hrt anyway

Since it will be so so fun to tease her for it, I could maybe even gaslight her into thinking she might be taking the pills anyway, or her body wants to become a girl so so bad that’s it’s making estrogen all on its own

You’d be surprised how much gaslighting you can get away with if you’re a persons only outside contact

So… I’ve got some plans to say the least!!! I’ve got a whole laundry list of activities we could try every week to keep it fresh (from shock collars to vibrators to bondage, to “toy” pink weightlifting products that are 10 times the weight it says on the box, I will have so much fun breaking her :3)

Now do you have any idea where this hypothetical person is? And do they prefer tea or coffee?

[shialor]

This is really just a vent post because I need to voice my.thoughts somehow or other.

TW: body dysphoria + dysmorphia, medical treatment, needles, mental health stuff and general difficulty.

Okay. I've received a diagnosis for both gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia in August of 2023, though both therapists involved had full schedules and I couldn't see them regularly afterwards. I will hopefully be seeing one of them soon-ish though.

The problem I'm facing, which I recognize is mostly anxiety is that even with the diagnosis I will be prevented from starting HRT or doing most other forms of transitioning really. This is partly due to the...somewhat lackadaisical manner in which my gender distress was approached by both of them; and I admit I...I guess I'll say "softened" the intensity of my feelings, both because that's just what I've learned to do and because I am afraid of seeming manic about it. I don't want my desire to transition to be taken not as something that needs addressing but as a symptom of trauma or of my body dysmorphia.

But I am desperate. I don't go a waking hour without thinking about how much I want to be a girl. How much I want to go on hormones. How much I want to do and be that I can't right now. But I don't want to seem like someone clinging to an escape rather than finally having found a place of peace.

I understand and am for going slowly around most things medically. Being disabled, chronically Ill, having weird responses to medication and close family member with the same will teach you a lot about not making too many changes at once, about carefully analyzing somethings effects a little at a time. I also understand that I've been "actively" pursuing my gender dysphoria for a short time, only a few years in fact. The truth is that its been bothering me since before I was six, I just didn't know what it was or how to explain it. Growing up with no Internet access didn't help with my knowledge on that front. (It wasn't that I wasn't allowed Internet access, we literally didn't have any till I was 10, we didn't know about thing like steam so we played games off of discs on old computers without any Internet connection, and while we all got personal computers eventually I didn't have one until I was 12. That and my Father being a programmer and paranoid of viruses and the like didn't leave me comfortable using the Internet in any form for some time)

Why is body dysmorphia taken more seriously and as a bigger problem than body dysphoria? If the things that bother me about my body are the things that would change, that there is way to instead have them bring comfort, why must I learn to love them before my desire to change them be taken seriously?

And then there's the fact that while I don't have a phobia of needles, any kind of injection is DEEPLY unpleasant to me. And if HRT is commonly given as an injection, what happens if it becomes too much? What happens if I can't take getting stabbed anymore? Does it just stop, I've "failed" until such a time as I çan handle the needles again? Would asking for a different method be seem as proof that I'm not serious about how much I need/want to transition?

All this to say, I've received my diagnoses and been told "do small things for a couple of years if you must, and don't try anything more until you can say you love your current body wholeheartedly." And I hate it.

But what I fear most is that caution, that paranoia being right. I have nightmares about one day suddenly realizing I'm comfortable as I am. I have nightmares about choosing not to transition. I think about that possibility and a kind of horror I cannot put into words seeps into me. I imagine that possibility and all I feel is cold emptiness almost identical to the times I've just lost a loved one, but without any hope surrounding it, without the knowledge that it will return to me someday. It feels like dying. It feels like if the day were ever to come to pass that I no longer strive to be girl, I would die. Not even off myself, but simply die because my soul no longer belongs in my body. Die of misery of a broken heart, of the total removal of all that is me.

I want to transition, I want to move forward, I want even some rather extreme surgeries though I'm perfectly willing to wait on that. But I'm so afraid that somewhere deep down I don't desire these things because they're what I want or what's right for me, but because I'm too broken elsewhere.

I'm not afraid of transitioning not fixing everything wrong with me, I'm afraid of fixing something else making me not want/need to transition anymore.

I don't know how to move forward, I feel lost in zugzwang. I can't demand to move faster, or else it'll be ignored as a dysmorphia/trauma issue and not a dysphoria one. I can't just wait it out, every day kills me a little more, especially with the rest of my family going "yeah, you go wear a skirt and makeup. Don't get hormones, don't change your name, don't change your pronouns, don't change the way you act." I can't just go find a different therapist, I've had a really bad track record and these two are highly regarded in gender dysphoria cases especially, and it took more than year to try and get to any therapists whatsoever and finding another will take longer. I can't just go to an informed-consent clinic and start HRT on my own, I don't have a job, I can't drive, I don't have a degree, and I'm disabled a couple different ways so I can't stand for more than 30 minutes at a time and I couldn't do most desk jobs, even if they were remote.

I don't know what to do to start achieving any goals or hopes for my life or for me especially, and I'm terrified of it getting worse if I try.

[souprights]

DIY for Transmasc Minors/Those still living with unsupportive family

For context, I'm just turned 17, still living with my parents and live in the USA. This is just my experience! It may not be the best/easiest way to go about DIYing. I'm going to do my best to make this as comprehensive as possible, and please let me know if anything if incorrect or if I should add anything.

Firstly, if you're under the age of 16, I don't recommend this at all!! DIY should be a last-ditch effort, after you've tried all else. Please seek therapy, a supportive friend group, and a good community before turning to illegal means, because, yes, purchasing and being in possession of T without a script is illegal.

What's it Gonna Cost?

For cost, you're going to need about $60 - $115 of reliable income a month. Depending on the site you use, and how many millilitres of (injectable) T you purchase, that's going to vary, but $60 is the typical minimum I can find. Don't forget shipping is going to be around $15-30.

This only includes the T!! Don't forget you're going to need needles, bandaids, and alcohol swabs if you're injecting, as well as blood tests.

What Kind of T?

Whether you use gel or injections is entirely up to you and your comfort. However, please avoid orals! Those are just gonna wreck your liver, no matter how painlessly tempting they may be.

Gels run more expensive, but with injectable, there's extra purchases/packages to be had.

Hang On, Blood Tests?

To make sure your levels are in a safe/normal range, you're going to need a blood test. If possible, look for Quest or LabCorp-esque places to get proper bloods done. I was too nervous to do that, given how closely my parents track my every move while I'm not at home, so settle for finger prick at-home tests if necessary. Unless the site advertises Discreet Packaging, I highly recommend having these sent to a friend and picking them up at school/when hanging out.

Do one before starting T, one at Month One, Two and Three, respectively. Based on your levels, adjust or figure out your dose. If everything is typical at Month Three, you don't have to test again till Month Six. After that, check at your One Year mark, then yearly thereafter.

Where/How Do I Get All This?

eroids.com is the first place I turn to when looking for places to order T. You can read reviews for each site listed, and get an average rating from people who've used the sites. If you want to go for gels, I suggest poking around Reddit and finding other people who've DIYed with gel, and asking them for their opinions and recommendations. Make an informed decision no matter what you choose, and spend PLENTY of time researching.

For needles, bandaids, and alcohol swabs I honestly just use Amazon. MAKE SURE you mark your order as a gift, or else you're probably going to run into the issue of the packaging being marked with "medical supplies." Imagine your overbearing parents seeing that and ripping open your package, and immediately assuming you're spending your days in back alleys shooting up. Not fun. Take my word, and learn from my mistake.

As for bloods, just poke around till you find a test that takes your free T and total T both, or go somewhere and have it done proper.

Now, you might try using a PO box to not worry about your family seeing any packages arriving, or having it sent to a friend with more relaxed/accepting parents. Later in the year (when I'm doing this) using the approaching gift-giving holidays to keep people out of your parcels might be plausible. Or maybe your family doesn't care. Ultimately, imagine the worst case scenario and judge what to do knowing your own situation.

Okay, But....Bitcoin

Ah, yes. Daunting, tricky Bitcoin. Majority of sites only accept Bitcoin as payment. But I swear it's not as bad or hard as it sounds. Your first issue is honestly going to be finding somewhere that doesn't require you to be 18+ to purchase it. Now, don't worry too much. For me, I got my older sister to put in all her details, and I just used my money to make purchases. You can do the same with an 18+ friend, relative, or relative of a friend's. Or, send an 18+ friend's CashApp the money necessary to make a Bitcoin purchase and transfer for you.

Now, my first order of T was only about $60, with shipping and everything, since I only bought 4ml total to begin with. If you buy a bigger vial, it's going to cost more. $60 was as much as I could spend without making my parents suspicious (they keep an eye on my bank account), so if you have a similar problem or a smaller spending threshold of concern, don't worry. Just spend your max threshold on buying Bitcoin as often as you can. The Bitcoin will be stored for you to compile and use later. Keep in mind its value may go down, so buy a bit extra if you're saving up over time.

I use an app called Edge to handle all my Bitcoin transactions. It's simple, easy, and you can use a card, a direct bank transfer, Apple Pay or Cash (if there's a Bitcoin ATM near you--no worries, there's a handy map in the app itself to lead you to the nearest one of those). I used Apple Pay, so unfortunately, I can't help with any other methods than that. You can also use CashApp, but Edge's verification went much much faster, and I was not in the mood to wait a few extra days.

There's going to be a fee, usually outlined before you select your payment type. I included that in the cost of the T above, which might be more or less.

And lastly, it's not instant. It usually takes a few hours, but if it's more than a few days, reach out to customer support.

Each site lists instructions with how to send payment once ordered. Just follow their instructions, and talk to them if you have any trouble. They're usually more than happy to help you send them money.

So I've ordered my T

Shipping times are going to vary!! Keep this in mind. If you used eroids, users typically include shipping time in their reviews. This may influence which site you pick. Domestic sites tend to have faster shipping and don't risk customs seizing your pack--if customs seizes a pack with an illegal substance, you're going to get a letter. That's pretty hard to find an excuse out of, way closer to impossible.

Typical processing times are 2-5 days, but may vary a little, depending on things that may include a lovely little pandemic. Shipping is typically 1-2 weeks for domestic sites, 3-5 weeks for international. Shipping prices tend not to vary much, however, no matter where the warehouse is.

Hiding Changes

This is going to be the tricky part. I've known some people to only go on T for three months or so, as to get some changes to reduce dysphoria, but not have family members notice. If you spend a lot of time around family, the changes are gradual and they might not notice. But keep your own safety in mind above all else. What's the worst that's going to happen if your family confronts you over your changes? How long will you be able to write off your voice as "a cold" before someone wises up? How much longer are you going to be staying with your family?

I'm out to my unsupportive family, so despite being discouraged from any transition of any sort, any and all voice changes I'm writing off as voice training. Facial hair? Minoxidil. More muscle? I've been working out. These may or may not be things you can use, so consider carefully.

Aside from your voice and facial hair, there won't be anything too difficult to hide or write off. Shave your facial hair away as soon as you get up if it develops/needs to be hidden. Consider and compile a list of excuses as to why your voice is changing in case of questions.

Hiding Supplies

This is going to depend a lot on your house and situation. Do you have animals, parents or siblings who invade your spaces and find your hidey holes? A piece of advice I read in an MtF guide to DIY is to hide something you won't get in trouble for where you plan on hiding your hormones, and see if anyone finds it over a few weeks. Repeat until somewhere safe is scouted.

I have small cardboard boxes I keep under my bed, in a cabinet I have in my room, and on my desk. Only bandaids are kept on the box on my desk. But the other places I hide things have an equal distribution of my supplies, so even if someone finds one box, I'll be able to continue HRT.

Try to keep your T much better hidden than other supplies. I'm in an arts-focused degree in college, and a very artistic person, so I've managed to write off needles and syringes as pieces to build a 3D art project for a portfolio. Try to find an excuse to use if your needles are found. Maybe the art thing works for you, maybe not.

Consider taking precautionary measures of removing/covering labels of your T if you're using an injectable kind. You might be able to get away with calling it a prop of some kind, for a TikTok video or something if it's found.

Disposing of Needles/Wrappers/Etc

Alright, so you've done your first shot of T, or applied your first gel packet. Congrats! Now, how to hide the evidence? Firstly, for gels, it won't be too difficult. Just use a plastic grocery bag and fill it with other miscellaneous rubbish and mix the wrappers in with that. Toss the tied bag in your own bin, or a neighbour's bin if that's safer. If that's not possible, do so at school.

Needles are a more tricky circumstance. If you're able to purchase and safely dispose a sharps bin, 100% do that. If you're in a place like me and that's not possible, go and buy some soda with twist-top lids, or get them from friends. Once the bottle is empty, you can toss needles into there. In my experience, 1ml syringes and the small needles used for T injections fit in these 500ml bottles no issue. I throw these sealed bottles in the bin once they're full. I know this isn't proper disposable, but I'm unable to get a sharps bin.

Never throw exposed needles into the bin, or leave them somewhere anyone or anything could possibly be exposed to them.

For T bottles, I've only ever found one site that sells it in containers smaller than 10ml. I'm not sure if the 10ml bottles would fit into the soda bottles or not, so follow the same procedure as disposing of gel wrappers. If that's not possible, use a sharp knife to cut open your soda bottle at the widest part and put the bottle in there, before using a strong adhesive tape (not scotch tape--duct tape or something similar) to seal the incision before disposing of it.

In Conclusion

I've left out a list of the changes T causes, and starting doses, because those are all easy things to find, which you probably know already. Regardless of what this small guide says, please keep your own safety in mind and do as much research as possible before moving forward with DIY, and know that I'm no kind of professional, and all this is based off my tiny bit of experience.

As of the original posting of this, I haven't yet started T. I'm going to start in about two weeks, however, and have gathered everything necessary. I may update this guide further as I take T.

[the-mira-life-project-mtf]

My MtF~H.R.T. -- My New Family

THE END IS NEAR...

     I once dreamed of a time when I was caught in-between two ordeals:

     Love for the family that raised you, or love for the family that loved you.

     I wanted both, but was denied as the family that raised me ensnared me in my home whereas the family that loved me, changed me into someone new. This dream came again-and-again, stronger and stronger, vivid and warning me that it would happen after a terrible snow fell on the ground. Only problem, we were in a warming period and snow was pretty much non-existent! Then, like fate, the weather changed and a storm dumped over 2 feet of snow in one night...snow that the Puget Sound has never seen before. It was a once in the thousand-year event!

     My dream warned that once the snow fell, I would become near-death sick, and unable to leave...I would depend on the family that loved me to heal me and care for me...and this would begin the transformation. And sure enough, my lungs seized, my mucus turned green and I was fighting pneumonia with no access to antibiotics. My family, all over them, worked diligently to help clear the mucus from my lungs as we were trapped over a week in our home.

     I would lay there as the white icy snow fell outside my window as I thought to myself ‘My God...it is actually happening! I am living the part in my dream!’ I flipped through the pages as I looked for more clues of what would happen. The dream warned that I would have to face the end. The divide as I faded from my family and became someone new. The man that came for a week stay, would leave as a woman, a daughter of the family. It stated that I would attend their wedding, become part of the family and then...I would become part of the family, forever.

     Mira Carlene Messinger was my new name. The shadows of David remained, rekindled by friends who stopped by, but they did not disturb the fabric of reality as they all came to accept me as a transgender female. I no longer looked the same...it was a painful transformation...but in the end, I appeared younger and a reflection of the daughter that saved my life.

     Not only had my body changed. Mentally, I would begin to change. No longer longing for the family I left behind. My focus would be on the family I have.

     Unconditional love is a powerful vice!

THE TALKS CONTINUE...

     Back in May of 2018; the biggest doubt I faced with being transgender was that I was going to go through this all alone. That is why I created this blog, to voice my thoughts that I would have voiced with my family. There was fear of being discovered and the consequences that would befall my coming out. However, the Lord has blessed me with a new family, who loves me for who I am, even if it is Mira and not David.

     As I was writing this blog, Michelle message me with some exciting news that I have yet to consider.

Michelle: How was your day?

Mira: Not too bad, had garbage to burn and cleaning the garage from the Christmas light mess. Day started with driving my grandmother around, and almost fell asleep at the wheel. I remember saying to her, ‘I don’t understand, this is a new tank, but I feel nothing!’ as I pulled at the cord and found that I shut my oxygen cord in the door! Lol! Even with this dilemma, still had to drive! Otherwise, a nice day, how has yours been?

Michelle: Felt exhausted today, not exactly sure why. Was so happy to get home. Made some dinner and now just laying in bed watching some TV with Mitch.

Mira: I am looking forward to moving out that way...been gathering my belongings to bring in small waves. Tools, personal items, lights, books...things I don’t want to lose. I have been considering the process of moving and how to adjust...and to be honest, I look forward to it!

Michelle: Did you want the bookshelf in the bedroom for your books? If not let me know and we can take it out.

Mira: It is the cloudy weather that makes people exhausted! I tried to sit and work on my stories and reflection on the future...did not get far as work always finds me!

Michelle: I also have an extra nightstand in Logan's Room to put on the bedside that has 2 drawers in it. And then the closet has shelves for we can always figure something out for a dresser if need be.

If you wanna put tools in the barn, you can or anything like tools that you would use on a regular basis we have the cabinet in the old laundry room downstairs that we could use. I also want to clean out the cabinet in the bathroom so you can put toiletries and such and that bathroom.

Mira: I like that bookshelf and also wish to keep Amanda’s shelf on the bottom shelf (if that is okay with Mitch).

One moment to consider...I have not considered room design yet.

Michelle: You just let me know what you want moved out and what you want to stay and will make it work.

Mira: A dresser would be nice, have not had one of those in 15 years!

Michelle: Mitch is asking if you've told anybody yet?

Mira: No, I have not said a word about moving, waiting till our trip to the ocean is through, so I can focus on digging clams. It is a probability, but I fear that information could lead to terrible conflict...reason why I am gathering my supplies just in case.

Michelle: So you know, I did have a conversation with Lexi. She is very excited for you to move in with us as she feels that you stay much healthier when you're in our home. I did let her know about the changes that you want to make in your life and she is very happy at the fact that you will be free with who you are and that we are able to help you through the process. She is so open minded so I knew that this would be her reaction.

Mira: That sounds wonderful! I did not know what Lexie’s thoughts were. She is a very accepting young lady.

Michelle: Well you have a house key, so feel free to drop off anything you need to, here. Or come here and rest in the middle of the day if you need to or whatever the case may be. Also we can create storage in the loft if you have items that are bigger that you don't wanna keep in your room. There is also a wardrobe with a drawer up there. Better answer, I will try to get to that closet this weekend so that you can have places to put things. I also have baskets that can go on the shelves to hold different things. As far as your medication, you could always keep that in the top of the cabinet in the bathroom.

Mira: Perfect! I keep all my meds and equipment on a shelf in my room and extras in a closet. I use to keep it in the bathroom when my grandfather was alive, but since his death, I am only allow to keep everything in my room or in the living room. It is nice I can store extra stuff in the loft...don’t have much, but I’ll bring things that are important to me and can be used to help the family.

As for converting my name and identity; still too dangerous to do that publicly I feel. Once things settle and I feel secure in my new life, then I’ll ask to convert my name. We’ll have that conversation, but I see it happening probably by summer or just after.

Thank you to all of you for being so willing to adopt me (if that is okay to use); I believe Lexie (is it Lexi or Lexie, I am uncertain) is correct, my health is so much better there. Unconditional love is a powerful medicine!

Michelle: It’s Lexie :) Yes it is. Love is the Way.

Mira: Perfect, been spelling it correctly! Certainly, love is the way...just took me a year or so to realize that! Thank you for always reaching out, I know you mentioned it last night and I wanted to thank you and Mitch...again, it is something I’ve never experienced...and I cherish it!

Michelle: I didn't get a chance to ask you last night, but wanted to know if you plan to go through a complete sex change through surgery? Also meant to tell you, when you get the date of your port being placed, I'd be happy to go with you if you want.

Mira: I had plans to do so...as I see my HRT physician this month; but it probably won’t happen as my health is too poor to go under General. But much of my discomfort is because of my anatomy. It is weird to explain. Also, I feel that it is a family decision too, so we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. / I’d be honored to have you come with me for my port placement...still waiting on the surgeon...I am shooting for sometime in May.

Michelle: 👍  I hope you have a good night tonight David and I hope you sleep . We'll see you tomorrow.

Mira: I wish both you and Mitch the same, Hope tomorrow brings renewed energy! I will see everyone tomorrow! Have a pleasant night! 💜

Michelle: 💞

PASSING THROUGH GETHSEMANE...

     All moments of life can be easily broken down into moments of transition, regret and revelation. There is a terrible darkness that we must struggle against; it is the darkness of the soul that has lost its faith. The darkness is not power or principalities...it is chaos and despair! Great than the death of flesh is the death of dreams and hopes. Against this very peril, we can never surrender to the darkness. Our future is always around us, waiting in moment to transition, to be reborn in moments of revelation. No soul knows the shape of that future, or where it will lead us...all we are certain is that it is always born through pain.

     Just watch a few episodes of Babylon 5 and you will have enough philosophy to fill your life!

     There is a truth to the saying; all moments of transition and revelation must be traveled along the path of pain. Pain is what reminds us that we are alive! As I’ve endured, the death of hope and dreams is the worst conviction any soul could endure!

     As I transition through my old life and into my new life...I know that before the end, I must first pass through the gardens of Gethsemane (the place where Jesus underwent pain and torment and was arrested the night before his crucifixion) which ironically is my biological family and the beautiful garden I have created at home. There will be suffering, pain and in the end...death! Like Jesus, I shall be crucified for my actions and beliefs in my true purpose...but the death of David isn’t the end...there is a revelation in the end. Rebirth! A renewed life as Mira. From the darkness of my faithless family, to the loving light of my anew family.

     Sadly, like Jesus, I know when the end will happen and how it shall happen...yet, I must let it come to fruition...for the sake of my family, the sake of my adoptive family and the very sake of my life. The future is unknown to me, my new family is young...enduring, but lives on uncertain grounds. All I know is that my future is paved with pain.

     At first I was uncertain, scared to move...I have always returned home! Even during my college years in Tacoma. Home was always between the morning and evening sun. Yet, with the fragile nature of my illness...if I remain here any longer, I will die here...alone...or in a hospital, alone.

     There is so much potential as Mira! So much potential as Messinger. Even though I struggle against it; I’ve already been reborn as Messinger, since my near deaths of 2015...if it wasn’t for Amanda to constantly remind me to get checked for cystic fibrosis, I would have drowned on my own bodily fluids in the hospital. The treatments between asthma and CF are not the same...never even considered! Since then, my whole life has been an awaking, a re-purposing. A life to repay a life.

     Now, with the moment only days away...I no longer feel the grip of fear nor the cloud of doubt. I have began the process of preparing for my passing. I know that once my family is aware...the noose around my neck will be tightened! I have turned to another song to comfort me...

David:‘Where once was light...now darkness falls (my family after the death of my grandfather). Where once was love...love is no more (my family has abandoned joy, love and compassion for sadness, grief and disappointment).

My Biological Family: Don't say goodbye, don't say, I didn't try (my family’s rebuttal).

David & Mira: These tears we cry are falling rain (meaning that they mean nothing). For all the lies you told us, the hurt, the blame (the treatment my family gives as reward)! And we will weep to be so alone (in fighting cystic fibrosis and being transgender). We are lost! We can never go home.

Mira: So in the end, I will be, what I will be (my tribulation and awakening as Mira). No loyal friend was ever there for me (referring to my blood family as they never would come to the hospital unless I almost died, then only sometimes). 

David & Mira: Now we say, goodbye; we say you didn’t try (leaving my home for a new life, without remorse)! These tears you cry, have come too late. 

Mira: Take back the lies, the hurt, the blame (as I don’t want it no more)! And you will weep when you face the end alone (as a forewarning to my family to heed the path they are on).

My Biological Family: You are lost (as they disown me)! You can never come home.

David: You are lost! You can never go home (as sung to Mira).

     May is so far away...but also, so close! May...that is when I die! The old life of David, sacrificed and I will finally see the true spirit of my family. They may be able to recover from my genesis, but they will never survive my coming out. That is why it is imperative to gathered what I want to restart my life...as after May, anything left behind will be lost to the flames!

     It will be important to be strong, as a new sickness will set in: Remorse and homesickness. My new family must be strong, I must be strong! For what comes next will be harder then leaving home! I will begin the second month recovering from homesickness and face the revelation of presenting myself to the world. Most of my old friends...will leave me! However, new friends will be made. Then, comes to pain of holidays...the threat of a new sickness presents itself: depression.

     It is important to be true to myself, to allow myself to be loved and to love the family I have adopted.

MY SURVIVAL PLAN...

     APRIL

     In order to stay on track, I will have to be diligent to follow through:

     1) Gather all the tools that are my property, and gifted upon me to avoid legal conflict. This includes my drill bits, tool cases, power drill, Croana tools, shovels, rakes and camping gear. All this must be delivered to Messinger by 4-3-2019. Along with Christmas lights I have purchased. My rock hammers and first load of crystals and rocks. Basically, I need to fill my backseat.

     A second trip will be made on Friday morning (4-5-2019), prior to my trip to Silverdale to pick up my oxygen equipment. This load will consist of clothing and book. This load is important to keep simple as I will be operating around my grandmother, who could turn my genesis against me, but turning the family against me.

     (4-9-2019), Pack up my Mount St. Helens belongings for storage. Pack more clothes. Pack my nature books and more rocks. Pack camping bags and tents. Pack metal detector and DvDs.

     (4-10-2019) Last of the rocks, books, awards, vital papers and plants (if the weather is wet).

     (4-19-2019) Begin packing up items in my upstairs room...to maintain the illusion that I am still around. Begin moving things I don’t want to take to the attic as no one will go up there...only I.

     (4-26-2019) Last trip to Messingers with final articles of clothing, CPT machine, lamps, more Christmas lights, my cactus, poinsettia’s, bedding, fans, Krampus, books, extra medicine.

     MAY

     The genesis from my family begins as I am expected to depart for the Messinger’s as agreed to...however, once a week has passed...then the news shall be presented that I have decided:

     For the sake of my failing health:

To move into a home where I am not stressed into sickness,

Pushed into doing things that my doctors tell me not to do,

To remove me from the temptation of the outdoors which gets me sick,

To remove me from driving to the hospital which has almost got me into wrecks and lost,

To rely on the wisdom and experience of a father who has knowledge of end-stage cystic fibrosis and to prevent possible terminal sickness that I miss,

To remove me from the household which seems to be always sick due to their work,

Having a father and mother who is willing to perform CPT and healing,

Awareness of my failure to take my enzymes and to keep me on my oxygen that I don’t use always at home,

Can advocate for me when I am in the hospital and willingness to visit without me begging.

And a ever-growing network of friends who offer up prayers for my healing and have expressed genuine compassion and love for how I am...

     And for my transgender health:

I need a family who’s fundamentals are based on love and not deeds,

I need a family who has not lost their faith in God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit and community,

I need a family that focuses on being a ‘family’ and teaches community service like our family once did,

I need a family that appreciates me for not my deeds (as my health makes me pretty much useless) but for who I am,

I need a family that will not belittle me because I am transgender (nonconforming / fluid),

I need a family that will allow me to live my life as Mira, who has given me purpose and happiness...but is willing to guide and support me,

I need a family that will allow me to develop new interests and talents without making me feel bad,

I need a family that will allow me to correct my physical and chemical identity,

I need a family that will work with me, not use me as a workhorse, or denigrate me for things I can’t control,

I need a family where I feel safe as Mira and will not retaliate or physically and/or mentally harm me.

     To The Bruer Family:

I am aware of my end-stage nature and know that you can not take another possible death, after the death of my grandfather and Kiera...you need time to heal without my distraction,

As noted, I place a burden on the cost of food, thanks to my digestive failure, and my absence will reduce your bill and allow you to eat what you like. This will help your limited budget and save you money. This will also benefit me, as I need to loose weight for my lung transplant and as I am adjusting to a Messinger diet, I have noticed that I loose weight,

With my absence, my constantly running oxygen equipment, CPT, computer, machines and lights...this will greatly improve your light bill,

With my absence, you will not have to endure my changing body and feminine nature that I have chosen. You will not be required to use my name or face the backlash of my uncles like Mike and Lee who are ‘near-violent’ against the LGBTQ,

With my absence, this gives you back the living-room and sun porch to make use as you like.

     Once I have announced that I have decided to leave--with the following above--then begins the change. By the mid of May, I will begin to change my media platforms to my new name. This will begin on April 26th 2019 with me using my new name at my new PCP who will oversee my transgender health. I expect to lose 20% of my social network to the change.

     I am expecting to battle homesickness, but the adoption of my new last name will be me adjust and I will spend most of my time at the gym, at gigs and working on my new property.

     JUNE

     My second month living with my family, I will begin the process of legally changing my name.

     Make a decision about my care at Cedar River Clinics, and announce my new intentions and good news. Have my blood draw to measure my estrogen and testosterone levels.

     Decorate the property for the 4th of July and tend my new garden.

     JULY

     See how the Messinger’s celebrate 4th of July.

     I celebrate my re-birthday on July 21st. This is my first year anniversary on hormone replacement therapy and begin to consider SRS by next July. Set up my 2nd appointment with Dr. Worth.

     Head to the Christmas Light Swap to find stuff for Christmas and Halloween.

     AUGUST

     I attend Mitch and Michelle’s re-wedding, this time part of the family. I celebrate Woody Woodstock 9 ~ Mitchapalooza 4 as my Grand Coming Out with our closes friends.

     File my name change application.

     SEPTEMBER

     Become part of the Messinger family and attend the Bonding Ceremony. Face the winter months ahead. I will open up to Ryan and allow him to do my hair and make-up (something I never though I would say.)

     Photograph Josie’s wedding.

     Plan a romantic outing with my girlfriend, Ruth, to rekindle our relationship.

     Apply for new birth certificate and social security card, change my bank ID, notify all my debtors and medical providers.

     OCTOBER

     Begin decorating for Halloween and winterize my garden.

     Month six with my new family, I should expect a beckoning from my biological family to return home to do property maintenance. I will reopen a new offer to her periodically. Set up my 3rd appointment with Dr. Worth.

     NOVEMBER

     Celebrate my birthday.

     Prepare for Thanksgiving. 

     Begin to set-up for Christmas.

     DECEMBER

     Celebrate my first Christmas with the Messinger’s.

     2020

     Begin looking into SRS.

[wolfoblog]

been a bit

it has been some time sense i posted to my tumblr, after making that post a couple of months back i started to see things differently between life it self and what a relationship actually means to be a true one and where i had failed not only with freinds but with ones i care and love for, slowly but surely ive started to improve idk if the meds are really helping that much sense ive been on them a few months now and with my primary care doctor not being around where i go anymore to do checkups im not exactly sure if i should contiune the meds till their gone fully or just toss them as it can be harmful to stop them so soon without cutting the prozac into smaller doses, like i do feel better and less depressed but i feel their may be more then just depression that is causing me to act in such ways, ik its not that people arent doing enough as ive told kovo alot of times now i just feel like alot of the time i dont have that feeling to do rp with him at times or feel a need to be well “sexualy driven” to say the least, tho it may just be anxiety that could be  the cause of the issue and me just not being comfertable with my self as i still try to go through the proccess of transition from a male to a female and try to find doctors around where i live to get on hrt finaly, at least he is seeing that i am trying for him to make things right for both of us and working this out as a team instead of alone like before, i dont wana lose anyone else or any other freinds

moving stress- so 3 days ago my older brother and his wife and i finaly moved into our new place and across to a new town, first 2 days or so we were all just worn out and it didnt help that we had no gas or hot water for 3 days which made it hard to cook most food or even shower .3.” the fun of being sticky sweaty and smelling not great wasnt fun, then the other day i was tasked to fill our freezer with things that we had from family, my grandma gave us a little to much stuff idk where to even put half of this stuff rn as i type this out, but our freezer is kinda booby trapped rn because one thing after another comes out when we open the door to it and its small and cramped but we make it work, then last night we had a panic attack as my brothers male cat little bit was missing and he was starting to cry as he is a emotional support animal and a big part of his life, tho luckly we did find him after a hour of almost searching qwq, the big goof was moving around as we tried to find him which made it even harder on us

job hunting when you have mental disabilitys- the title says it all it becomes rather hard to do when alot of stress and anxity rolls over you all at the same time, for me it makes it hard for me to land and keep a job longer then a week or month at most as it can get to the point i cant handle it all, get sick by accident and get let go by the work company a day later or so, but i still try my best even if its a little money coming in as long as i can get somthing in to help my family out

i think thats all for now i just wanted to make a small update for the moment but hopefuly anyone who reads this has a wonderful day

nova

[venty-vent-vent]

So its been a year. A full year. So many things have happened. I know you're not listening but i want to tell you either way. Me and cuddlebuddy are together. I love him, and he loves me too. He met my mother, she likes him. My horse, Liza, died not long after we argued. It was a car crash. I miss her. I tell myself that her death was the bad karma i got from being bad for you. My oldest dog, Nona, died too, of old age. I managed to pass my first year exams, I'm on second year now. The longer I am on this studies the more I don't want to be a veterinarian. I wish I was doing film school, but Id probably be struggling with that too. Fi helped me see your point of view, shame I was too stubborn and she left too. I miss her. My mothers horse is pregnant, the foal is going to be my horse. I'm not sure if i want it to be born the same colour as Liza. It's due in May. Me and Jamie are better, after me and you argued, I heavily relied on him for emotional support, which made our relationship unstable. I'm happy we managed to talk it out. I trust him and still love him you know. I got my trans diagnosis, I'm waiting with HRT till I can support myself financially. I was hoping I'd be well into the therapy by now, but my stubbornness and the epidemic paused it. I haven't started yet, I'm sorry. Jamie says I'm a bit of a better person but I don't quite believe it. I just don't argue with people anymore. I'm so sorry you and I ended up like this. I wish I listened to you, I wish I was given more time to consider, I wish I wasn't so stubborn. It's been a year and I miss you Snail, so much. 

[samanthaannmarie]

I would like to give you a heads up before you begin to read this. It will be fairly long for my first post and i expect it will run off on tangents as i plan to write in train of thought. Also please bear with the second person style. As much as this is a public address I am also writing this to you the one reading it. i hope you stay with me till the end. or should i say my beginning.

Lets start with this with my name; my given name. My name is Joshua. I am in all seriousness strongly considering transitioning form male to female. The purpose of this blog is to help me work through these thoughts and feelings and to hopefully help me arrive at the right choice for myself. I hope it will also stand as a record as to the path I've taken in the hopes of helping others who might walk it with me.

I plan to give you a fair amount of my history so as to give you an idea of where I come from and where I think I'm going. So let me start with before I was born.

I am my mothers oldest child; i was born in September of 1989. the irony of the path I'm on is that I was supposed to be a girl. the doctors told my mom that she was having a girl and she chose the name Samantha Ann-Marie for me, hence the user name. My birth was not a simple one though. i was removed via Caesarian section because the umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck. One might say I've been into rope play since before i was born. (buh dum duh tchsss) That was the easiest part of my first few years though.. I was born with an inguinal hernia that took several operations to repair and an undescended testicle which was tacked in place. The problems these have caused have tortured me my entire life. the greatest of which is that because of the pain the caused me I was sitting up as a newborn because it was the least painful position for me. this caused the over development of the tendons in my back and legs which cause me immeasurable pain to this day. I tell you all this not to elicit pity but to help you understand where i come from and how these events have shaped my choices. You do not know a man until you have walked a day in his shoes and i hope to one day walk a day in heels.

The next big think that happened to me as a child was I almost died again. I was almost two and my mom had me on a greyhound bus and a dog licked me in the eye and i went into anaphylactic shock; that was my second Christmas in the hospital. (that trend continues to this day as every December i go to the hospital for an asthma attack) so that is where my asthma and allergies start. the severity of which limited my childhood to a fifteen minute radius of a hospital. I also haven't been able to have a pet cat odog either since that incident. The biggest problem with how severe my asthma and allergies are is the medication i require to function on a daily basis. The steroid use has caused the most common side effects over a long period of use such as weight gain and mild breast growth along with stunted growth in other areas.

So at this point your probably getting tired of my medical history. especial since the reason you reading this is the MTF or HRT tag, so lets get into the first time i can remember questioning my gender role, a story of masturbation, role play, bdsm, and locked doors.

The first time i masturbated was when i was seven years old. The story of how I found out what masturbation was and how to do it is probably not typical. So i was at my best friends house and his older brother (13 at the time) was showing us the dirty side of the AOL chat rooms. The three of us ended up role playing with a woman in a bdsm situation. she was tied up being spanked while we fingered her pussy and she asked if we were getting off to her being tied up. this prompted us to ask our shining role model what getting off was. He explained how maturation worked by moving your hand up and down your penis until you came using soap as a lubricant. me being the impressionable and eager kid i was decided tor try it in the bathroom later that day under the guise of doing a number two. Now some of you might of tried you use soap at one point and you know that it is not the best idea. for those of you who haven't, i would strongly discourage the practice. So here i was masturbating for the first time in secret at my best friends house painfully using bar soap as a lube; and though the pain my stoburness won out and i had my first organs at seven. But here's the thing, my mind kept going back to that girl who was tied up. I wanted to know what it was like to be her, what a finger in my pussy was like, what having my breast fondled would feel like.

Those feelings grew stronger the longer I dwelled on them. it makes me think of when i was older and i had one of those little black and white tv/am/fm radio combos you could get for like thirty bucks.. i had it plugged in at the foot of my bed and would listen to barbie girl by Aqua over and over again quietly at night when everyone was asleep. Its still on of my favorite songs to this day. Do you remember those Avon books they used to leave with the paper or in your mail box? I do; in particular I remember looking through them and thinking about how pretty i could be if i could wear makeup like the girls who molded in them. the big thin was how they always had that add about how you could join the Avon team an be an independent woman. I remember asking my mom if i could work part time for them selling makeup after school. since i grew up in the suburbs i thought it would be the perfect job. for me because i could ride my bike to make deliveries. i also thought that if i could get the samples the girl i was friend with up the road could teach me how to do makeup and many even help me dress up. i also remember there was no dividing line yet and all those thoughts were what everyone thought about. Alas the innocence of you the is scratched away as people start drawing lines in the sand. the first line was when my little brother got in trouble for wearing our younger sisters makeup. Boys don't wear makeup is what has been stuck in my head since then.

You may of noticed that I don't mention my dad much. Well let me give you the low down on that. My biological father bailed before i was born. i tracked him down when i was twelve and tried to have a relationship with him especially after i found out i had another brother and sister but he has kept his distance and ignored me for the most part. my mom married when i was about one to my stepdad. then my brother an sister came along and he failed as a human being. in his mind i was his so, my brother was not his son and he never wanted a daughter. i think three kids got to him because he tried killing himself by sliding his wrists in the tub. all i can remember from that that incident was standing outside the apartment complex while my mom handled things. when i was about eight things finally hit the boiling point. His drug an alcohol problems had gotten bad and him and mom would fight all the time. One night i was woken up to them fighting and i walked out and told him to leave and he did. he blamed him leaving on me but mom assured me even though i said what i did it was her decision to kick him out. the usual divorce and custody battle followed and it all came to an end one night when my siblings and i were over for visitation. He made this god awful frozen pizza that tasted of nothing but oregano. my brother being the picky eater he is, refused to eat it and my dad grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and picked him up off the ground and shook him. after he lost custody he ran off to Maine to avoid child support. that will be all i will say on that subject.

Around this time in my life i was told that i needed to step up and be the man of the house. I also had a nervous break down and stopped smiling.

I was always a smart kid and my mom tried to make things better for me by sending me to a private school in 4th grade. It was the worst decision she had ever made in my childhood. I was horrendously bullied that year, so much so that i fell into shirt and picked him up off the ground and shook him. after he lost custody he ran off to Maine to avoid child support. that will be all i will say on that subject.

Around this time in my life i was told that i needed to step up and be the man of the house. I also had a nervous break down and stopped smiling.

I was always a smart kid and my mom tried to make things better for me by sending me to a private school in 4th grade. It was the worst decision she had ever made in my childhood. I was horrendously bullied that year, so much so that i fell into i practice to this day, to look into ones self. She also got me a scholarship to a marine biology summer camp where i got to go collect specimens from the Indian river an mosquito lagoon, recored their date and submit to wildlife management to help keep track of populations. the best summer of my life so far.

Around this time another line was drawn by my peers. when talking about women and sex with some other guys i broached the topic of wondering what the girl feels like during sex and what it would feel like to be the girl. The proposal was unanimously rejected and the topic shelved for i did not want to be rejected as i was just starting to come back out of my shell.

Ah middle school the time when you start to figure out what your going to be when you grow up and start to plan for high school. the years i gave up. My algebra background allowed me to win the weekly math competition the school held almost every week; so my math teacher recommend me for a trial program in statistics in 8th grade. Back tracking to 6th grade i started taking graphic design and stuck with it through middle school. i also took home economics in order to get better at cooking and sewing and i though no on would bug me for doing girly things because it was looked at as an easy class. But back to 8th grade, the year i lost hope in the school system. it started with the elective wheel and pairing dance and graphic design. i took graphic design and for the second half of the year i had to take dance, i freaked out when i got put in dance. don't get me wrong i wanted to take it. heck i could even do a split, straddle, pirouette, and anything else they asked of me. but the thing that had me freak out was that for the final i had to the cancan in front of the whole school wearing spanks. i could not have any one seeing that feminine side of me. men did not do girly things and i had to be a mans man. so i went to the principal about the final being cruel and unusual and got put back in graphic design. the biggest thing that killed my hopes of the future was i broke my foot. yeah i know, not that big of a deal, but the events around it were. i had to be out of P.E. while i was in a cast, which let me sitting in the library reading for that period. The problem was i had an interview for the advanced placement program in high school. during the time i was recouping. the interviewer was there all week right next to me anand on Friday when he was packing up to leave i asked him about why he never called me for my interview and he said he had sent a not to my P.E. class to call for me twice. I explained to him the situation and asked to do the interview and he looked at my paper and told me i was absent to much to be accepted. i then replied that even though i miss half the year due to illness my grades and test score are better than most. he said i would not be a good fit and walked away. I gave up on school then and there.

from middle school through high school i tried being a mans man and hid my feeling and thought from others all the while retreating back into my shell. I dropped out my senior year to get a job to help the family because the rescission caused us to loose our house.

When i was nineteen i went to job corps to get a trade and do something with myself. i had gone there for mechanics but during orientation i was convinced by my peers to do deck hand. this was a hellish choice; for two months while we learned about how to work on a barge we had to walk a mile a day with a 15o lb coil of steel cable over our shoulder and learn to throw and maneuver 2inch lock line over 40 and 50 feet distances. after all that we interned on a barge and this is where something was dug back out; something i had buried deep. the irony is it was dug out in a macho job. one night. i walked in on my lead man sitting in the pilot house looking at porn on the ships computer. He was looking at shemale porn and called me over to show me something. what he showed me didn't matter but the trans girl made something click in my head. i could be that girl that i had dreamed of being since i was a kid. i could be a girl in every way except a piece of flesh dangling between my legs. (i did not know of HRT, SRS, or FFS yet) This small thing brought back something in me that i had forgotten about for a long time. My taste in poor started to change from lesbian and anal, to shemale and trans lesbian with that always present bondage kink.

i continued my education at job corps and was certified as a welder. and used that to get a job in a machine shop that would allow me to live on my own. the thought i had did not come back in a rush but gradually and gained strength as time went on.

A major turning point for me was when i got laid off. i made a snap decision to go to truck driving school because it was the fastest way to get back to work. but the nature of driving a truck played to my benefit in a way. i was isolated for a long period of time and alone with my thoughts. this allowed me to analyze themselves thoughts and feelings. it also gave me the capitulation to buy makeup and cloths and toys to experiment. let me tell you as uncomfortable as a pair of 4in heels can be there is something that just felt right about them to me, the same goes for girl cloths and makeup. I went through a few purge cycles while driving a truck. i took about six months off and then went back to driving. this is where another impotent event happened; i met a trans truck driver who worked for my company. she inspired me a lot because she was still early in her transition yet she was out and about in public and showed no hesitation in doing so. we talked for a while while we waited for our loads to be ready, not about her being trans but about regular things. it showed me that you can be trans and be normal your not just a sex object or a freak or oddity.

Then my mom almost died.... she went into heart failure in 2015 and luckily for us in 2016 they found the cause and fixed it in early 2017. she wont get better but she wont get worse just yet either. so i got out of the truck and purged all of the girly things i bought to come spend time with her not knowing if i had a few weeks or a few years left.

So before i got out of the truck i had started to go about transition the "proper way" i went to a therapist to start therapy in order to get on HRT through proper channels. but after i had to quit driving i lost my insurance and put all that on hold while taking care of mom. so everything got put on hold till she had heart surgery at the beginning of this year. after she started feeling better i went back to driving in July of 2017 with the express purpose of financing my transition. but like all laid plans something happened. this time it was bureaucracy that threw up a road block for me and i had to stop driving abruptly in September. so now i have a job doing construction while i try and save up to get back on the track i want to be on.

You probably want to know why i think I'm trans? well the truth is I don't know for sure. what i do know is that since i started planing to transition i have started taking better care of myself. i went from bathing once a week to daily; i have lost 18 inches off my waist this year. and every time i think of people treating me like a girl i feel happy. a while ago i got super excited because a clerk at a gas station mistook me for a girl even know i had a three day stumble and am a six foot tall guy with the build of a line backer. I hope that in writing this that i will get feed back, questions, advice, tips, and anything else that will help me make the best choice for myself. i just want to wake up happy with my self every once in a while, or many like the way i look enough to take a picture of myself more than once ever seven or so years.

so my plans as of now are to save enough money to finance my transition specifically HRT and the required blood test for the next two to three years.

i want to go back to school during that time so i can have my legal name change done before i graduate to help make transitioning back into the workforce easier.

a bonus goal is to document my transition in detail.. daily pictures to create a more complete time line, and a food journal and exercise journal.

so if you made it this far thank you and i hope to hear from you. i hope that what ever journey your on that led you to read this post or my blog is a fulfilling one that leads you to your happy place.

with love,

Sammy

[remytest-blog]

I'm not blaming my mental illness, it's an explanation and it's not an excuse. I literally cannot control myself in a lot of things and I'm trying to make it better. The amount of mentally deblititating shit I've been through is enough that I'm barely functional. I can't hold jobs, I can't leave my house, and I look for every possible option to harm myself and it's something that I need to fix but I never get that far. I'm being sincere, I really am. I've been upset but it's been more than just you guys. Sixx and I talk, Kiev and I talk, Remy is hard to talk to a lot and you even more so. But I've got a lot of people I've been having issues with, such as 8bit, etc. Friens i've made outside ofyou guys that yesterday it stupidly came to a head.

It's not an excuse. My autism makes it extremely hard for me to understand a lot of things. I never knew that I turned subjects, and there were times where I would want to help but I wouldn't know what to say so I'll keep quiet and watch others speak and if I have something to add on i'll try. I know there are times I'll move on but usually I do it if I assume that whats done is done and it's appropriate. That's my autism, I don't _know_ and if I've been doing this I need to be spoken to. I don't hate you, I'm still at apoint where I'm scared that you hate me, that you don't want to rp with me.

I really do always want to rp with you I just don't know how with some of the muses I've picked.  I feel like I bother you compared to the others bcause you're always gushing about remy and kiev but when i've done stuff I get lackluster words in comparison to how you gush about the others so I get self conscious and my brain assumes well I'm just not good enough so crown's sugar coating it for me. It's stupid and wrong but it's what my brain does.

Myheads a stupid catastrophe and against it's not an excuse. Half of what you said last night was a huge surprise to me even. I was not aware of anyhting I was doing. And I bring up bee/dee because. idk.  I'm tying to gauge your guys response because I'm debating actually seeing about them joining the group.

And Idk. i haven't been spending much time with them till recently, and I get excited and want to share things with everyone. I. A lot of these issues are misunderstandings on my end, but I need tobe directly spoken to about a lot of them because i don't understand. I really dn't 90% of the time.  But like yesterday, Idk. i felt like I was being put out, because it was all of  you guys and no one had said a word to me.

I burst through TG because I wanted to be able to talk to you and Sixx about it, I always wanna rp with you guys and do stuff with you guysbut I'm awkward and Idk how to do anything at this point. And you not feeling -- Idk. I don't know how it came off that way, esp because I've been sitting here in the same position. Like you just aren't interested in RPing with me. I've been anxious ever since that thing with Camie, I felt like yes maybe you liked me but didn't really want to rp so you were putting on a front to make me feel better.

I love rping with you.

Half the time literally all I do is wait for replies from you and sixx and Remy. The reason I've been trying to show that I'm making friends is so that I stop clinging so hard because all I've done is cling to you guys.AlL i've done is sit there and be needy and want all of you guys attention because  I love you guys so much but my head gets fucking foggy and then this shit happens.

I want to get better and I want to fix things. And if you're still questioning my sincerity pelease don't because i don't apologize like this to anyone I don't give a flying fuck about I don't put that kind of energyand attention into people I don't careabout. It'd be one word shit or just a 'sorry about last night'. Not me attempting to make anything of it. I'm a fucked up person but I will not be disengenuous about things like this.

Crown I'm so fucking intimidated by you. I'm almost scared of you. I look up to you in so many ways that I've come to resent it a littlebecause I feel like I'm not good enough because I deseperate seek your approval and I rarely get any sort of response from you and it's frustrating. Crown you're like a literal senpai to me. I mean fuck I only remade that kirishima because I wanted so badly to try and rp closer to you.

And then boku became really triggering for me and I tried to branch out. I'm useless tomyself. I'm a walking suicide bomb. That's all I am. And the longer I have friends the worse I act because of that. because I don't expect people to stay around, because I start to act more like me which is a fucking underdeveloped sack ofshit that doens't understand what I'm doing half the time.

I really need the guidance of my friends when I do something wrong. I really, really do. Even if you just dm me about what I did like if I turn a subject or something. Please tell me. please I'm begging you because I reallydon'tfucking understand so much I realy don't. I'm begging you crown I don't mean to do this, I don't mean to do any of this and I really.

Ineed my friends help to try and be better and i'm pleaing with you and the others to help me get better on this front, on things that my therapist can't really touch yet. I'm fcuking crying like a scrub because this really is fucking important to me. Making a change, making a fix, being _sorry._ I only bring up my mentalillness because I want you to understand what's lead me to this response or thought process or whatever because maybe then i can try to fix it while i wait on medicines and things to fix me better.

I hate it but despite being haha super smart I'm like a fucking 15 y/o in a 24 y/o's body. mentally so much of me is still back in 9th grade before the torture incident that made it impossible for me to talkto people the way i need to. everything still feels so fresh  and i can't make my brains top thinking that it's all going to go back to the start.

I'm just.I' begging you to please understand me and that I'm meaning everything and I really do want to make a change. that everything i've done was not in that intention and the way i looked at things i didn't see them for what they were. like the vaguing. i posted it as a way to get my thoughts out because i was toiling in my own head, i never meant for it to hrt or BE a vague poost but thats exactly what it was. A vague post. the only person close enough to me is my damn father.

i dont know.pealse dont take this all as me trying to buy sympathy or god knows what else i'm really breaking down to the realest me i can. im not on the same level as any ofyou, i feel like a pretender in my ownbody, some broken down child trying to play with the grown ups and throwing temper tantrums because i don't know how to handle anything. all ido is care about you guys but  dont do it the right way or well and i just.i dont want pity but i want understanding and i want to try and make it better.

i dont want to be scared anymore. i dont want to be scared of my friends but i am. and because ofthat im pushing. and im just. i want to be normal. i wish i was normal, or even at least ony our guys levels of functioning. i wish i wasn't a fucking stupid moron  about everything. i wish i could just flip a switch and be a better person. that's why i cut,because in my head its like if i cut enough if i make mself bleed enough i'l bleed the bad away and it'll be okay i'll be better and i won't be so tainted for you guys and i'll be okay and it'll be all okay.

because to learn something when i did something wrong i was always punished and i can't get past it still i just can't. and now no one eventells me when i do something wrong and i just want to know so i can fix it. thats all. every lastbit of this is meaningful. itsall serious its all me. imbaring myself as much as i can and im trying not to make excuses i just dont understand so much i can't comprehend i can't i can't i can't.

i'm sorry crown i'm sorry. i'm sorry i'm sorry. it just sounds like more excuses but it's not i just want to explain i just want to explain m head because everything is hard and i never know when i do something wrong until it's too late.