#im doing good. i am living a really good life right now
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all day long my brain has been making up stressful shit in an attempt to make me spiral and upset, and I've done nothing but try to keep busy so I don't listen to it and don't fall for it
I'm so fucking exhausted now bc I spent the whole day playing two youtube videos in tandem while working while being on my phone while texting people while eating while drinking things
I just tried to calm down because all of this was overstimulating as fuck and the second I sat down to meditate it all flowed over me and I had to stop bc otherwise I would've gotten a fully blown panic attack just from sitting down
can I PLEASE just STOP-
#i try to think of why this is happening#bc yes this week is gonna be mildly stressful. theres a bunch of stuff happening#but its literally all positive and fine#im doing good. i am living a really good life right now#i cannot let this get to me this badly#i cant even think of smut to write to distract myself#rant#life#also im sorry to the people I'm DMing i literally just need to keep busy so so badly
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dumbass supreme says 'yeah ill play a quick game of rivals before lunch why not' and gets mvp more at 1
#marvel rivals#snap chats#closing the game so i can live off the high of me thinking im actually good at this game ☝️#please ignore the losing streak i was on last night I WAS SO PISSED LIKE PLEAAASSEE IM NOT /THAT/ BAD AM I#I WAS LIKE 'ok ill just play until i win that should be like a game or two' AND THEN. i just never won.. i had to stop to finish my work...#NO CAUSE i was just doing some practice stuff and being more comfortable with magneto's kit#note: please use the enhanced sword when wanda's on your team i promise. she wasnt on my team this game but just in general#i always forget i have it 💀 BUT ITS DPS IS GREAT FOR ERIK no wonder that shit has a thirty second cool down#in any case. i was sufficiently locked in so i guess thats why i was hitting shots for once 💀#no chat you know what my ultimate high is playing this game. ult canceling vaJELVKAJERL#SPECIFICALLY IRON MAN'S like you just look at him and throw up a barrier .... hello .... im a master at this from ow ok. ... you are nothin#now if only erik said cutesy one liners when blocking an ult then my life would really be complete#for the first time i was caught in a magneto duel today. there can only be one you chucklefuck im bullying you#i have no idea how magneto is meta wise The Game Just Came Out but idc i will give him a menacing reputation#its only right !!!!! its lore accurate. me in the big Fuck You red and purple outfit I NEVER SEE OTHER PEOPLE WITH THE SKIN. BTW.#its worth it idc. ... . id buy it again really ..... its such a good skin .......#love how when i first saw it i was like 'eh idk' but now i wanna eat it and make out sloppy with it#IT JUST LOOKS GREAT IN MOTION LIKE OKKKK i woudlnt have minded a simple classic look either tho ...#... but ill take the emperor vibes ... theyre cool ...#ok bye ima actually eat now
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stressed
I have to fight family again
#everybody hates meeeee#tomorrow is going to be so fucked#aunt literally said i tried to kill her???????? bro idk what to do with a person like that#im really really stressed#like it never got to physical violence or anything but im always scared it will cause it's just#getting more and more heated and i know she literally hates me right now#like usually she does the whole spiel about loving me sooo much but now she's convinced that#I'm against her#well i am#fuck that bitch#but well she's acting like a freaking cartoon villain#oh wel#well#but goddamn im really stressed rn#ok whatever i just needed to vent it's probably going to be fine#but like#i do feel like I'm planning a grand escape rn#and it SUCKS ASS#i really want to cut that woman out of my life or actually out of all of our lives cause she's just#traumatizing one person after the other#god i cant wait to be away from her so i can freaking relaxxx ToT#i can't believe i let myself fall for her tricks every single time and just believe shes good now AURGG#ok ok i just needed to vent this is so unreal for me rn I've been so stressed for days this is so frantic#whatever goodbye lmaooooooo#vent
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this is a test
#i’m bored i just wanna see how many words i can put in the tags like will it just keep going on forever or will they stop me like i know th#the tag limit is 30 ok so the iindividual tag limit is 140 characters that’s actually so rude i wanted to keep going forever and see how lo#g this could be but i guess we can do this 30 times ok what the flip should i talk about hm i was playing the guitar today but i rage quit#ause the song was hard and hurting my fingers! ermmmmm it was sunny ok this is boring let’s think of more exciting things to type hmmm acco#ding to all known laws of aviation- jk i’m not doing the bee movie script but can you imagine i think that would be funny hmmmmm words i lo#e podcasts so bad that’s a fact no one has ever know before my blog definitely isn’t all about audio dramas the people are definitely not a#ready aware of this jesus christ this is only the seventh one of these this is actually quite a lot of space i underestimated how much i ha#e to type btw there’s probably spelling mistakes in here somewhere or autocorrect has been annoying but i cba to retype anything so i don’t#care lolllllllllllll how do you feel about oscar malevolent i feel a normal amount actually (lie) yk what i really miss sam and colin alrea#y like i’m actually not okay i really hope we hear from sam again in s2 and also colin ngl i hope ur in the computers soz or not dead miss#im like a bastard my paranoid it king ok erm im running out of things to say um heartstopper s3 was crazy good i cried lmao i love gay peop#e so much it’s crazy i hope it gets renewed for s4 i need to reread the comics lowkey and the books they’re all so talented for being so yo#ng it scares me ngl !!!!!! the tmagp hiatus is getting to me slightly like february in reality is soon and not that far away for how podcas#ts go but seriously how am i supposed to live until then without knowing what happened. please colin be alive. ive only just realised i can#use fills stops. sorry that’s made everything a bit messy. i should’ve been doing this before. whoops. anyways. hi mutuals i love you all s#much i hope you enjoy my rambles and shitposts cause i enjoy yours very much! never think you’re being annoying i literally don’t care be a#annoying as you want posts as much as you want i am ur biggest fan <3 im getting a bit fatigued from typing like my mind is blank basically#now it’s just turned into a. stream of consciousness but i don’t really have any thoughts to put here idk if we’re halfway ermmmm omg it’s#lmost halloween how crazy is that time is flying by i kinda forgot it was october lmao. it’s wild how it’s basically almost christmas. like#what. that’s illegal. how is it wintertime again. what the flip. i miss summer already take me backkkkkkk. i hope my phone doesn’t crash or#smth cause i’ve not saved this as a draft and i cba to do any of this again. maybe i should save it. ok i will when i reach the next tag bc#ok it stopped me but i’ve saved it and holy jesus it’s a lot of text im just sat here giggling there’s really no point to any of this other#than me being bored sooooooooooooooooo (imagine if i just did the letter o for every character wouldn’t that be crazy) so wait there’s 140#haracters and 30 tags so what’s 30 x 140. someone hurry. i haven’t done maths lessons in two and a half years i’ve forgotten everything wai#let me get the calculator app ok im back it said 4100 characters so. i dont know how many words that roughly is but its. a decent amount. o#what the flip why am i wasting tag space with maths. i hate maths. my screen time has been actually soooooooooo bad recently like damn some#one put my phone in a block of ice please joshua gillespie style. my mind is running out of things to say. do i talk about myself. im james#im 18 which is weird cause wdym im an adult go away. ive run out of facts. i love podcasts and procedural dramas that stupid firefighter sh#w is my life unfortunately. i think chappell roan should be the queen of england instead of king charles. i dont like having a king cause#ho needs men in power not me. ok um this is the last tag equal rights for all. yolo. the time will pass anyways! thank u boredom ok bye gn:
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sometimesSoMETIMES i catch a a glimpse of a life i could lead that is so beautiful and vibrant and lovely it’s THERE just beyond my grasp AAAAAAAHHHHHHH
#everything!!! in my life!!! is telling me i could be someone greater!! i’m not exaggerating!!#every conversation i have every time i self reflect every time i read something really cool whether it be an academic article or a blog pos#is pointing me in this direction!!#i’m scared!! i’m terrified of everything!! what if i make it what if i don’t!!#what if i’m not good enough what if i fail!! what if i am good enough and i’ve been wasting my life!!!!!!#<- average 19 year old experience i think#has anyone seen the short film webtoon made of a comic contest winner a few years ago The Ladder#look around you!!! do you see anything else!!!!!! THE LADDER IS ALL THERE IS!!!!!!#yiu ever spend a whole evening talking to artists who are achieving their dreams and go holy shiiiiiit#does some fire within you awaken every time you so much as read about art#it is not impossible to live in a well!!!!!! but what if the fuckin g rope breaks!!!!!#everyone in my life would support me!!! it’s all right there!!! IM GONNA CRYYYYYYYYY#im scared of being seen! of peoples judgment! of failure! RRRRAAAAGHHHHH#ok i’m gonna be normal and go to bed sleep style now
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Applied for a job and applying to community college. It feels weird. It feels like I'm 18 again, even though I'm turning 23 in less than a week. It feels promising though
#so when i was 18 i was supposed to go to college!#i was. i was accepted and everything. i had plans#i was going to go for sign language interpreting. i had hella scholarships#and then. they went bankrupt. spring break before i was supposed to attend#it was unfortunate. i didnt have time to try to attend another college. and asl interpreting isnt a common course#so i moved out of my parents house a few weeks after graduation and just started working#it was great. until i moved to philadelphia#where i lost all of my money and tanked my credit score by being poor#so now im back with my parents#what a horrible cyclical turn of events#and for the longest time ive been trying to get out again. move out. get back to work#i have a job now but it barely pays uh. anything#and i was fighting so hard to escape that i didnt stop to think that i dont have the means to and i would just end up not great again#so i decided to apply for a front desk and marketing position at the same place my older sibling works#an art center. a place that i really fucking love tbh#and a nearby community college has free college for people that were essential workers during the pandemic#i think i would have to live in this state for a year tho so maybe not college right now#but maybe someday. if i get this marketing/front desk position then im sure ill stick around for a bit#idk im having weird conflicting feelings about trying to put down roots here#but i cant leave anytime soon. thats kind of hitting me#i dont have money. or a good credit score. i will not be accepted to an apartment#and even if i am i will not be able to pay rent#so i might as well get a job i like. not just a placeholder#see about going to college. especially if its free#and instead of like. waiting for my life to start. maybe do something with it while i have it#if that makes sense#suicide tw ahead-#i didnt think i was going to make it past age 18. and now im nearly 23#so im living every day with no plans#every day is a lovely little gift that i never expected to have so now its a task to try and figure out what to do with it
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my dad came in and saw me on the couch (for the first time all day and i had literally just sat down for less than a minute when he came in) w heating pad and immediately goes "you have two options" (different chores to do) (as if i was like 10 years old and getting punished for something that i didnt even know i did wrong). what about secret third option where you treat me like an adult or i don't come home for winter next year. Lol
#.mei chats#soryr really my family is. great i need to stpo complain#i just wish theyd realize that im not incompetent#i do a really good job taking care of myself for the entire 10 months out of the year that i dont live with them#and im proud of the independence ive developed bc i worked really hard to feel ANY sort of positive feelings about myself#but they just dont recognize it at all when i come back#trying to tell me how to microwave my food and reminding me of paperwork i have to do#Thanks i literally managed the entire program tasks myself for the last 6~months but yeah you better remind me about the medical forms#or else ill totally forget and mess up the whole thing :'333 bc im just so stupid!! thakn you soooo much for taking care of me!!#<- not like ive been hypervigilant and anxious about making sure i do every little thing with it perfect#in fact there was actually an issue w one of my forms bc they made me submit it even though i didn't think it was filled out properly.#they were like “itll be fine youre overthinking” guess who got an email 3 days later saying the form was completely invalid.#god just bottom line why cantthey trust me when i say im on top of it. fucking trust me this program is my entire life right now#i am putting literally eveyr ounce of effort i've got into not ruining it. they just dont see the improvements and growth ive made at all#so frustrating bc ive worked so hard to pinpoint and fix that specifically but what can ya do#god this got long. sawry#.not f/o related
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I think (as much as I annoyingly complain and whine about not having a partner) being single this long has been good for me. I'm learning a lot about myself and I'm learning why I was a shit person, and through finding the root of the problem I can kind of... start to heal. I can be nicer to myself so I can grow and get better. Because TBH.. being mean and cruel to yourself doesn't make you become a better person. It just makes you believe that thats what you /are,/ and thats what you /always will be,/ as opposed to realizing that you are a product of your circumstances but that does not mean you can't get better and become a better person. Accepting help and trying to get better so you can eventually love yourself – even if no one else does – is the greatest and loveliest thing you can do for yourself. You deserve that love, you exist and you live and you feel and that is a truly beautiful gift.
#uhm well anyway I hope everyone finds people and a place where they feel safe and loved#I'm feeling really emotional sorryy#basically. tldr; found the problem! trying to get better now through loving myself instead of hating myself#its been really hard. its going to be really hard. I feel like ive barely made any progress#I wish I had a therapist to talk about this stuff with. but I dont.#btw the uh root problem: finding out my mother was actually hugely abusive & I already knew my dad was#so basically ive been having to confront the fact that Ive been living a lie and my mother is actually deeply terrible as much as my dad#and my parents should have never had children & ive never had one single decent adult in my life#so basically uhm yea lol. I was born into dysfunction. I was never going to turn oit normal or okay.#so its been hard to like. figure all that out alone. learning I have ptsd and extreme ocd + dissociation because of them hasnt been easy#its made me so deeply miserable because I guess I assumed what my mom was doing to us was normal this whole time?#because I thought no. surely not. surely i cant have TWO terrible parents. I need at least 1 good one right?#but yea no actually every adult has hurt me in some way. and I was never going to turn out alright because#I am the king of obsessing and cycling over everything in my life#Im like. not okay right now but not being im in danger just because I wish I had someone to talk to about all this.#I just need to learn to drive so I can get out of here. I need to get out like#all these realizations have been really really heavy on me and ive been having trouble sleeping#Its been hard to process and I dont really know where to go from here. I guess I cant properly heal and grow until I move out?#idk this has been really long im so sorry.#vent#tw vent#tws ->#abuse ment#parents ment#<- in tags
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and if i said.... pet.er peve.nsie.....
#i have never read the books but ive just watched the first 2 narnia movies#it was def my first time seeing prince caspian idk ab the other narnia i probs watched it as a kid#but he..... he is calling me#mr doomed blonde twink who makes poor choices but is doing his best....... welcome back all my muses#i was gonna say welcome back kurt but... tate... levi.... probably more#ive never been. Good at writing fantasy im not great w anything that requires lore#hes just. oh hes calling to me#and the. specifically the pains of living a life in narnia and being king and then having to go back to the real world and be Just A Kid#idk if hes in the third movie im ab to watch it now but the bitter sweet end of 2 where he says hes leaving narnia and he wont be coming ba#and aslan says its bc he has nothing more to learn from it like..... kinda heartbreaking and would destroy u as a person#a world where ur king and u do everything u can to make the right choices but u dont do things really right and u get people killed#and yeah narnia prevails but it doesnt prevail bc of u. its in part bc of u but ur decision cost lives it risked a lot#and then its like. well ur leaving now and thats it bc it taught u what u needed to learn#and like maybe it did but he had no chance at redemption at fixing things there like his redemption was to leave it to someone more capable#and then he has to just like. go be a person. and live a normal life#like thats wild#im gonna go watch the third movie if u have read the books sound off on if u think i should based entirely on my little rant ab peter#the issue here tho. is if i made him. u see. two muses named peter on this blog... both with a last name starting w p.... its almost like.#its almost like one would have to be a solo blog#'but quin ur literally never here anyway' but what if for a hyperfixation muse i was here#this post started w the intent of 'narnia peter solo blog' but now... i am thinking perhaps spider peter would be a better solo bc of his.#bc of the fixation i have#however he intimidates me a Lot as a solo blog bc hes such a. everyone knows him u know hes a Big muse and i fear the pressure of that#then again narnia i think is big too? and theres the talks of the new movies so thats also potentially big muse#its crazy bc i have sososo much muse for every muse i have but my brain is saying abandon this blog and make both peters solos#and i Cant do that#but at the same time................................#my issue has always been too many blogs and being stretched too thin but also. w all due respect. who cares#like i am here to have fun and most of the time my blogs dont last bc no one writes w me not bc i dont want those muses#and yeah theres no guarantee making a new blog would change that but idk. kinda vibe w the idea of starting new
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i have bad melted soup brain today and i hate it
#i have never really felt like just disappearing off of the face of the earth and not talking to Anyone before but i have been thinking of it#a lot today! which is wild bc not my normal isolation thought but today it seems good ahahahaha#i am just. tired. i feel like i am not listened to ever and i feel unwanted as hell lately which i know in the back of my mind i am not#unwanted but boy do it feel like that lately lol. and i’ve been back on my ‘im gonna die alone bc nobody ever will love me how i love them’#bullshit which i have Not missed but it is come back full on ! soooo fun for me hahahahahaha i love to feel miserable about being unwanted#by those around me!!!! love it sooooooooooo much weeeeeee i totally don’t wanna slam my head through a window!!!!#also just in general lately i have felt like people talking to me is a chore to them bc nobody around me has been having actual conversation#it’s all been shit ass one word or one sentence replies from everyone or they talk about what they want and not acknowledge what i said and#i don’t even know what to do about it. i just don’t even want to talk to anyone now bc i feel like they literally don’t want to speak to me#and they don’t care what i have to say clearly bc they don’t pay attention and then bring up what i said says or weeks later like i never#said anything and it’s like hm wow yeah i fucking told you about that??? maybe if you pay attention you’d have known that but it’s fine !!!!#I’m just. tired of it. i am fully understanding of everyone having lives and doing their own things they need to do. but this is like. fr#different. like it feels so much different than that and i don’t get it and i don’t know what to do !!!!!!! i feel like i’m going Nuts#anyways if any of you wanna stick me through a meat grinder i would be forever thankful and you have the rights to take anything i own after#what this boils down to is my autistic ass is like everyone is not doing their normal thing!!! everyone is off their normal talking schedule#with me!!!! this must mean they fucking want me dead!!!!!!!!!!!!!! bc they went off script/pattern and not in a way they have in the past#that indicated that they just are struggling to reach out! this is different and bad and they want you out of their life!!!!!!!#which is ridiculous but what the fuck am i to do about it bc i will be thinking this until i basically am told otherwise by these people. so#that’s soooo much fun i love brains they’re so silly i wish i could jump at a wall and stick to it until i just slowly peel off and onto the#floor. anyways. hope everyone else has a good night
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#if i go back home id have excuses to fuck myself up in ways i havent in a really long time#i feel like im going backwards in progress despite reaching a few goals#i still have to try and to do better and to be better.#... man i just want to drink myself into a pit and cry about it all.#i cant even say theres no hope. that lifes not worth living.#because u have hope. i am living a life worth living. and im terrified to let it go.#ive never really felt this before. i cry but its not out of defeat. its out of fear.#... theres so much fear now. but it fuels me. im not defeated yet.#i have to try.#... and then we can worry about the suicidal ideational side of it all later. its not worth mentioning right now.#the only thing i really wanna cry about is how little i am. how clumsy. how faulty. how useless.#... hope im still good to keep around. im just ignoring the voices telling me everyones better off without me#cause i dont care about that. i want to be kept around regardless of being this.#i want to keep this.#i want to be desired as a useless failgirl.#im trying every day of my life and yet i make zero progress on those fronts.#i still mess up something .. and i still lack validation#... i do eish i was born someone else now. someone better than me atleast. this is a mirror to 16 yr old me.#how things loop around constantly. its annoying.#and i guess i dont learn. or i leep relearning for some goddamn reason.#... this is the curse of my life perhaps.#... i dont know what im on about.
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uuuuouhhghghhhhghggh i wanna work on m yWEBSITE
#listening to:#the xxxholic ost. honestly most of it isnt as groundbreaking as i remember it feeling when i was a kid but i still have a very deep fondnes#in my heart for it. and the opening and ending themes do still go hard as fuck#i wish that my wrist was normal and could be trusted with tasks right now. i finally did call for a doc appt and its at the end of december#so im kind of. mission: survive. for the next 3 months. i am trying to be so nice to my wrists but its really annoying to not have my#regular creative outlets. drawing and writing are off the board and those are my 2 biggest Things. cant sew or embroider either.#cant fiddle with my electronics. im trying to come up with more things to do that dont involve much wrist movement. but i cant really Make#anything without some involvement. its very frustrating... its been like a full month where i cant freely do things with my right hand#idk. i consider myself lucky that its painless during everyday stuff like eating or opening doors but. anything i really want to do hurts#or at least is profoundly uncomfortable in a way that i know it will start to hurt within like 10 minutes if i dont leave it alone.#i can do a good amount of computer tasks w my left hand but i can tell its not used to this amount of work either and is getting stressed.#which isnt ideal considering my left wrist is the one that has historically been prone to 'random' pain flares prior to any rsi-type deal.#no real winning here. not looking forward to living the next few months in a holding pattern on my life and projects. shit drives me nuts
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The amazing d+d campaign of the last 2 semesters is over, I feel like all our characters got the endings they wanted, I'm really really going to miss the DM and I told the other players I'll DM a campaign next semester we'll see who actually joins, and, and, and, and, well, I'm going to keep in touch with the um player who was um playing the character who um my character ended up together with um.
#I hope I'm not getting fantasy mixed up with reality too muhc here but um. he was like 'he kisses her' and i#sorry did we just spend 3 months actually for real flirting in front of our friends. I thought we were just really good at acting#I mean our characters are both really unrealistic I don't think we're getting things mixed up too bad#we'll see I guess. Our characters' story is over and now we have plenty of time to just be ourselves. So we'll see won't we#there's a post a while back where I said 'he's gay and im lesbian I'm 70% sure this won't get weird' but I think we're both nb and bi so#here I am in the 30% timeline. Isn't life exciting :3#wait I just realized this post makes it sound like I'm imagining this. No the player sent me a romantic confession last week.#out of character obviously#he was like 'I didnt realize when I said my character was falling for yours I was getting it confused with my own feelings'#I would NEVER have initiated this bc he is well um technically um. ok hes over 3 years younger than me#But at this point we already like each other so surely turning him down would be worse than giving this a chance right. Morally speaking#Am I going to Hell for this. I think I really do like him. We've finally been spending time together this week out of character lmfao#and talking to each other about our real lives instead of d and d.
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the hilarious thing will be if me being back in school actually Improves my productivity with writing. bc i have so goddamn much free time rn, but what am i doing with it? fucking anime and crochet. i really do need to get my ass in gear for cleaning and also writing this reverse bang fic. but really. im probably going to be able to do more writing once im back in school
How, you may ask?
procrastination is a powerful drug.
#speculation nation#also me having structure and something forcing me to be up and active#im just kinda sedentary. just kinda rotting. idfk.#im certainly not thriving.#theres not enough time to get a job b4 school starts again. wouldnt be worth it either. dont need the money & i dont wanna fuckin work#really i need to be spending this time getting my apartment in order. im just shit at self regulation.#i bought. a white board. for my fridge. and im going to use it. for lists.#im going to try making lists of goals to accomplish each day. and maybe that'll help me.#i also need to get out more. visit the woods. maybe that'd help me with my writer's block.#go to a goddamned bubble tea shop (besides the one i worked at lmfao) as motivation or something#im trying. i am. i'll get there.#i should probably start exercising again. havent been biking much in Months now. that's probably not good for me.#cleaned up a dumbbell to do some arm shit while watching things. idfk. some activity is better than none.#waaaaaaaaaaaaaa i really am just a fuckin lump on a log in my natural state of being. ugh.#doesnt help that the throat bleeding disease kinda fucked me up bad enough that my stamina is... worse than before.#i can probably get it back. but man. i feel like a wasted fucking shell right now.#my general absence from tumblr hasnt been me living life to the fullest. im just too goddamned depressed to post.#nothing interesting going on in my life. and so it goes.#i'll get there. im working on it. im trying to make things better for myself.#exercise and fresh air will do me well... just gotta get some exercise and fresh air...
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#how am i just supposed to go to work?#i want to do something#i feel so helpless and it feels so self centered to be thinking about this but#all i can control is myself#everything happening with israel right now is just terrifying#and im not scared for myself#even if this does break out into ww3 this wont affect me for a long time i imagine#but like#people are dying every day#if they expand into iran its only going to get worse#how am i supposed to continue my life when the middle east is on the verge of full blown war#and knowing that we're on the side funding it all#i know i cant do anything i know its not good to let things like this dominate my thoughts but#how am i supposed to not?#people in palestine dont get to pretend it isnt happening so they can go to work#there isnt an answer#im gonna go to work and live my life#ill probably get groceries tonight#because the world cant grind to a halt no matter how hard i dig my heels in#and i just feel so exhausted and selfish even if i know ive done all the measly bits i can#sorry idk i just feel hopeless#im only continuing to be grateful that no one at my job has ever mentioned any of this#idk what id do if a zionist was in my chair#i really dont
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i’ve always been bad about getting photos of myself but i’ve been making a real effort to document my recovery from top surgery, no rhyme or reason to when i take photos it’s just kind of when i remember, but i was just looking back at everything and the way i glowed up so hard in so many ways in the span of a few months is kind of impressive
#what escaping abuse getting surgery moving to a better apartment eating better and starting a new job that pays well does to a man#me now vs me in november are like not the same person#i did intentionally cut my hair a little shorter than i like it right before surgery for hygene reasons but i’ve grown my hair out#to a style and length that really suits me and i get complements on my hair a lot#which NEVER used to happen#i grew my little gayboy mustache and my skin cleared up a ton#and i huch less and am just a lot more muscular and fit than i was before#like i was recovering from surgery yeah but i really did NOT look healthy in some of the ‘before’ photos#but i’ve put on some healthy weight which makes me feel rly good#and idk i’m also just dressing better because i want to and feel confident doing so and im way less stressed about. just about everything#like wow i really lived the worst and lowest moments of my life and was like ‘light work no reaction’ & dragged myself out of that bullshit#and it wasn’t even that long ago but i’ve come so so far#i am really proud of myself :3#yayyy!! ❤️ yippee!! ❤️
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