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charmedreincarnation · 11 months ago

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Hey guysss! A lot of people have been asking for me to make a challenge for a while now. I honestly didn’t want to, not because I’m against them or anything but because the law will be different for everyone. Sometimes, it feels like tumblr needs a reminder - you are the only person who knows what you need to do to succeed. I wish I could imprint this realization on everyone's minds. I’ve also gotten so manyyyy asks about things that genuinely just feel like your doubts repeating in your mind constantly so I’m gonna talk abt my beliefs bc y’all are spiraling really hard. I get it you want your desires for Christmas and new years. It’s okay take a breath, you're alive and will be okay.

Firstly: at the beginning I used to spend countless time spiraling into depression, constantly changing my methods every time I saw a new success story, and every time I found a new foolproof' tumblr method. Methods that were supposed to guarantee results in a day so when they didn’t I felt rlly useless. It was annoying, to say the least, and I don’t want to help others do the same thing, but really all I can do is reiterate what I always say and hope you apply it to everything!!

A lot of you guys wanted something that didn’t involve the void state, so that’s what this will revolve around! But feel free to make this void orientated if you desire, and I’ll also add a void section so all my babies can eat!

Ok so you’ve over consumed, you have dropped the void, and now have switched to just assuming and knowing that you would wake up with your dream life - embracing states. Great! At first, it will seem like you're doing nothing but you aren’t! For example, I knew I was dwelling in the state of wish fulfilled when I went to work without shedding tears, when I looked in the mirror and didn't think I was ugly because, well, I'm beautiful! I didn't care abt not performing well on a test because I could revise my past etc. this isn’t to say ignore the 3D: don’t do that, please try and make sure you’re safe and okay. But know life is malleable. Slowly, things that used to bother me—my parents, grades, anxiety, self-deprivation—started to fade away. Even though my dream life hadn't reflected in my 3D yet, I felt the switch. That's when I decided, I know what to do.

I also remember finding this cute website a long time ago that I want to share that summarizes it in such a great and simple way.

So Before I knew or understood what LOA was, I found this gem of an article on I am Love'- "How To Shift Into A State & Stay There". I think I have a post abt it somewhere on my blog but I’m too lazy to find it so here it is again.

Basically it explains that the essence of shifting into a desired state and staying there. What resonated with me was her choice to dwell in the state of knowing that her desires are hers, no matter what.

The way she used colloquial language made the content relatable and easy to understand. It's like having a conversation with a friend who's guiding you through hard concepts with “dumbed down” language because at the beginning states made 0 sense to me.

Posts like this really helped me particularly because when I discovered Neville, it required three attempts on my part to not only intellectually grasp his teachings, but also to truly comprehend him as a whole, given his non-contemporary speaking tbh.

I recommend it if you find yourself stuck or not really grasping the law yet (which is more than okay) but, if you're looking to understand the loa better or just learn more give this article a read.

There’s also a particular quote from Neville that really got me to dive into his work after finding this article and it was- “The being that you really are, descended to the weakness of the flesh, causing you to experience the state you are now in. Contemplate another state, and the same being who brought your present form into being will restore and make alive the other state, the state desired. This he will continue to do until his purpose is fulfilled. That purpose is to follow a certain pattern back into the unity of being. You see, in the beginning we were drafted. We did not volunteer to fall into these states. We were made subject into futility, not willingly but by the will of him who sent us. But when we return we will discover that we are the very being who subjected us. We are now the sons, destined to return as God the Father!”

Now that you understand and are ready to apply state, Here’s a routine I’ve created to hopefully help you guys! It is very simple and not time consuming at all.

Scripting and writing: I love writing and feeling like the author of my own story, literally bringing my creation to life. I would write when I felt like it. Whenever I wanted to dwell in my state, I would simply write, "I have my dream life." It's so simple, yet it embodies everything I need. If you’re more of a picture girl, use Pinterest instead. Or both if you prefer it doesn’t matter.

Edward arts' "I am creator meditation": Again, do this whenever you like it. It's one of the few meditations that didn't bore me to death and seemed to work with my ADHD. I also love reading, so I would read his pdf whenever I felt like it and take mental notes. Reading his work was a reminder I was doing everything right, it resonated with me very well.

During doubt and overstimulation: When things get overwhelming, close your eyes and let the emotions pass. They’re just thoughts! repeat the words "I am" until your heart returns to its normal rhythm. It's a simple yet powerful way to ground yourself amidst the whirlwind of emotions. And guess what? You can use this technique for doubt too! So the next time you're feeling overwhelmed, remember the power of "I am". It's a gentle reminder of your existence, your resilience, and your capability to be whatever you want despairs any emotional turmoil.

Thank god: (yourself!!) When reminded of your desires. Thank you god. When you see your desires, (eg:Pinterest, online or you’re just reminded) thank you god! When you see an image of your desires, thank you god! When you dream or think about your desires. Thank god! Always thank the person fulfilling it aka you ;)! If you’re religious just thank the god you actually follow.

Nightly reflections: At night, ask yourself , "What would I do if I woke up in my dream life right now?" repeat this question throughout the night. Then, imagine whatever scene you want. What would you do if you could not fail? What would you do if you had all the money in the world right now. What if you looked in the mirror and saw the most ethereal being and it’s just you? What about if you woke up in your dream house with your dream family and pets? This is inspired by one of the first shifting methods I created that helped me fulfill my imagination before I knew what that meant. When you’re ready to sleep just remind yourself it is done, and drift off into your desires.

As I've always said, I've been a great daydreamer. I knew exactly what I wanted my life to look and feel like. I envisioned my walk-in closet filled with luxurious outfits, waking up in my dream room on a soft mattress with my pets purring nearby. I saw the decor reflecting my personality in every corner of my large, and pretty room. I imagined walking into my bathroom, seeing all my cool Sephora products lined up for my skincare and shower routine. I love taking care of myself because I know I deserve it. I saw myself looking in the mirror, knowing I'm "that girl" who turns heads wherever she goes.I visualized going downstairs in my boujee dream house,and seeing my family stress-free, smiling, and eating well. I saw plans being made on my phone, my friends were excited to see and talk to me. I went to my kitchen, filled with expensive ingredients ready for me to cook meals for my loved ones - because I love cooking. I saw myself checking my bank account and seeing multiple seven figures in my savings, checking, and investment accounts and opportunities easily presenting myself to make more if I wanted. I saw myself running errands in my car, shopping, getting Starbucks, having expensive lunch with friends, and making a trip to Target. Despite the simplicity of the day, I would come home and be like, "Ugh, what a long day!"like that one khloe kardashian meme. What if all this happened today? Visualize and feel the scenes so clearly that it felt like it's already happening.. not just in your imagination.

Most importantly: Define the law for you! Stop parroting bloggers and intertwine your own beliefs with the law. The only principle of the law is that through persistence assumption will harden into a fact. Other than that anything goes except for facts that are wrong.

Here’s old notes I found in my phone lol just so you know what I mean by define the law for you: ignore the writing I was kinda dumb and new to the law 😭😭

Now this is for my void babies if you made it this far.

Read this post.

This is it copied bc the links are wonky sometimes

“My previous method is based on the persistent assumption, which a lot of people don’t know how to do right and it might take some time even for those who have the right self-concept and the mindset, so today I was in the process of manifesting this method.

And I was successful!

This method is for everyone. It’s the easiest Void method.

Do you know that you get into the Void state at night automatically? At that time the whole perceived world disappears for you. Every single perception and assumption you have disappears while your consciousness in the calm and natural Void state.

Use it to your advantage. Now that you know about the Void that you enter when you sleep, the perfect state to manifest anything that you wish to perceive, with no “resistance”, no illusions of annoying solid things around, you only need to remember your scripted starting point in your DR and practice watching it all coming out of the Void.

Practice that scene with your eyes closed, say to yourself:”That is what I perceive. Next time I’m in the Void, I’ll experience this”. You won’t even need to be fully aware of yourself that way when you get into the Void while you are asleep. Your subconscious would do all the work as it now would have the instruction and a clear image of you expecting it.

Personal experience: as I was receiving information on this method, I almost stepped into my DR! I wasn’t even in the absolute void state, I was only creating the scene for this method and I felt it materialise with my senses!

I have great feeling that it’s going to give fast results for others! Try it, teach your subconscious what it needs to bring forth while in the Void, let it do your work for you!”

Lastly, I’m gonna talk abt my beliefs real quick bc the fear of shifting vs manifesting makes me sad for y’all. I understand you don’t wanna leave behind the people you love and that’s not fear to feel ashamed of having! I personally hate the npc mindset a lot of have people have adopted. The only thing we know for sure is that assumptions create realities, and consciousness is the real reality. Everything else boils down to assumptions, except for principles. For example, shifting is not lucid dreaming, even if you assume it to be. That is the principle. I’m just going to copy what I told my mutal bc I’m lazy and need to finish Christmas stuff 😭😭 but Our imagination and the 4D realm are products of our consciousness, which is indeed real. Our view of reality is shaped by our consciousness, since we can't experience everything all at once.

Unless, of course, you shift into a super omnipotent god. Even then, you’d probably still struggle with the concept of infinity because, well, infinity is infinite. And it’s constantly a never exnding expansion. As humans, we're finite beings, and our understanding of the infinite is naturally limited. Because you can’t and won’t ever experience everything at once, infinity is always expanding. Our awareness can be thought of as fragments of consciousness; it's like being a drop of water in a massive ocean. Even though our perception is limited, the infinite is always there, always existing. We simply adjust our awareness to perceive this infinite reality.

And through our consciousness, we are able to tap into other realities or 'multiverses', which give us a broader understanding of existence. This exploration of consciousness and the multiverse is a significant part of my journey into the world of manifestation.

The law of consciousness explains why, when you "shift" or change your perspective, you don't physically move. It's all about altering your state of awareness. This is also why time doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. You can become aware of any time or day you want, as long as you choose to be aware of it. It's like having a mental time machine. This law is why infinite universes exist. As long as you can be aware of it, you can assume and embody the state of that person. Whether that's someone with a billion dollars on Earth, or a person who lives in the Attack on Titan world, it's all about your awareness.Our awareness is just a fragment of the larger consciousness – hence the idea of the multiverse. Each universe is a different fragment, a different state of awareness. And we have the power to “shift” into any of these states, therefore shifting into any of these universes.

I’m telling you this bc there’s no need to be afraid of manifesting or being in a reality with robotic versions of the people you love. Ariana grande and Marilyn Monroe for example talk about loa without acknowledging it and we see their success. Neville Goddard and his followers saw each other’s manifestions and I manifest for my friends and they mnaifest for me.

Take a deep breath and let go of the tik tok clone mindsets y’all have they don’t exist. You can manifest and assume anything you want in your imagination. Y’all literally want to manifest things like millions of dollars, revising deaths, living in new countries, having immorality in your waiting rooms, and never aging which is all possible of course. So be for real, why assume and know that you can achieve all that, but it won't manifest exactly how you want? I've also wondered about what happens to the "old version" of people when they manifest their dream life. As far as I'm concerned, they dont exist because you choose not to be aware of them.

I really want to talk about this too, as I've received similar questions and, oh my god, I thought I was alone. I've always been a bit delusional and lived in my head, but when I became conscious of the law, did anyone else feel a sense of self-embarrassment? I don't know what that was, but I'd genuinely feel my soul wanting to throw up envisioning my desires that aren't mine, even though I've always been a daydreamer. It's kind of like when you feel you can't have them or it's strange to envision yourself with something you can't have, so you just purge yourself. 😭

I was thinking back to why that happened and laughing at myself because we need to be serious right now. Why are you getting sick by your own mind? Imagine if Van Gogh, anytime he pulled out a canvas and held a brush, was jump-scared by the brush. Picture him holding out the brush and just staring at the canvas crying because "well, the painting is going to suck 😐," "I don't know what to paint☹️☹️," "I already know it won't be like what I envision in my head 😡😡." Like, bro, the canvas is blank, just fucking paint. That’s why I really like his quote that's like...

“If you hear a voice within you say you cannot paint, then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced.” So If you’re scared of failing, if you’re scared of your desires, or scared of how it will come to fruition, for that reason alone is more so to and manifest it anyways.

But happy holidays guys! make some tea, scroll through Pinterest, read a good book and watch some Christmas films and remember if you can imagine/think your desires you can embody them bc where are you getting it from??

Here are some helpful documents I have read plus a cute vid I saw on insta reels : (let me know if the links are being weird)

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#law of assumption #manifesation #manifesting #void state #my asks

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rarastmblr · 1 year ago

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“Minamoto Teru”

The Perfect Boy — Minamoto Teru

He's smart. Always perfect and answering correctly in academics.

Tests? Perfect. Quizzes? Perfect. Recitation? Perfect.

You can't help but be so grateful when he helps you out and tutors you in subjects that you're having a hard time with.

He's handsome, attractive. No wonder he has so many fans. I mean, who could resist such a handsome face?

His hair; Every strand was so soft to the touch that it felt like a gentle caress. You couldn't take your eyes off it and feel nothing but adoration for the golden hue that filled your vision.

The blonde tresses captivated your soul and forever imprinted itself inside your heart.

His eyes; The blue eyes sparkled like pools of sapphire, reflecting the sun in all of its brilliance. Every time you looked at them, there was a feeling of admiration and profound joy that you couldn't quite explain.

He is invested in his interests and engaging in conversation with him allows one to appreciate his positive outlook on life.

He takes action to bring his goals and dreams to fruition, and is resilient and self-sufficient in the face of adversity and challenge.

He has the poise and class to graciously accept every experience. He is encouraging and motivating of the people he loves and engages with.

He's kind. Some think that he's cruel when he rejects the confessions of the girls who have a crush on him.

But he isn't, not at all. He's not cruel, just straightforward but in a way you'll understand and not hate him for it. He'll apologize and then reject you.

He is caring, tender. He is honest about his feelings and empathizes with the struggles of his friends.

There's a reason to why you love Minamoto Teru but you can't seem to answer such a question when you are actually asked why.

It's because you can't pick which of the many things that Minamoto Teru has that makes you love him so much.

You watch him as he reads the contents of your love letter about your love for him.

As he finishes reading, he gives you a smile. You can't tell whether it's a smile of pity or if it's a sign that he accepts your love.

“I'm sorry—”

The first two words were enough for you to know what his response was.

That had happened years ago, if your memory was correct, maybe when you guys were still first years.

Ever since the confession, you guys have grown distant. From the occasional greetings in the halls to only pass by each other without making any eye contact.

You admit the sudden distance between your relationship was your fault. A day after the confession you were the one who would hide away from him out of embarrassment because you got rejected.

You avoided him like a plague.

Even when your classmates had told you that Teru was looking for you because he wanted to catch up with you and other things, you wouldn't go.

Even if it was Minamoto Teru himself who would walk towards you and try his best to start a conversation, you'd somehow be able to slip away from him.

Now, in second year, Minamoto Teru is still the perfect boy that you always admired ever since you guys first met.

I think back to when we were so close and I would wonder. What would have happened to us if the confession never happened. Would we have been more closer than we already were?

As the both of you pass by each other, a pair of blue eyes look back at the back of your figure. Once? No. Twice.

Unfortunately, you took no notice of the longing gaze.

A/n: This isn't really a long fic, I'm so sorry 🥹. I'm just adding plot to the reader and Teru's relationship. Man I'm a sucker for when the relationship has something like a distance and the guy is the one who is desperate to mend the relationship together again. Also I think I didn't really mention supernaturals/apparitions here 🫣 woopsy.

#TBHK #tbhk minamoto #tbhk teru #jshk #x reader #minamoto teru x reader #teru minamoto x reader #Teru Minamoto #Minamoto Teru

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0omillo0 · 2 months ago

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Model! Han Jisung x Interviewer! Reader

Love at first sight

Han is called by Balmain to attend his fashion show, but he doesn't know that that night his eyes will meet the ones of his soulmate

( 🫧 ) fluff!!

masterlist

The air buzzed with excitement in the heart of Paris as fashion enthusiasts and celebrities gathered outside the grand Palais des Congrès. Laughter and chatter filled the space, and the scent of fresh croissants wafted through the air, mingling with the high-end perfumes of the crowd. The sun cast a warm glow over the gathered throng, illuminating the diverse styles decked out for the Balmain fashion show.

Among the crowd, Han Jisung adjusted his tailored Balmain blazer, its sharp lines accentuating his slender frame. He smiled at the cameras flashing around him, but his thoughts drifted beyond the lenses. He was here for more than just the fashion; he craved something real, something he hadn’t found in the industry yet.

As the show began, the atmosphere shifted. Models glided down the runway, showcasing bold silhouettes and vibrant colors. Amidst the dazzle, a voice broke through the sounds of gasps and applause.

“Han Jisung! Over here!”

He turned to see a woman waving a microphone, her eyes sparkling with enthusiasm. She was a reporter, her name tag identifying her as Y/N. Jisung felt a magnetic pull towards her, a warmth that filled the air between them.

“Can we grab a quick interview?” she asked, her voice confident yet friendly.

“Sure!” he replied, taking a step closer. The noise of the crowd faded as their eyes locked. “What do you want to know?”

“First, what’s it like walking the Balmain show?” Y/N asked, her curiosity genuine.

“It’s exhilarating,” he replied, a grin forming. “The energy of the crowd, the designs... it’s all so inspiring. I feel like I’m part of something bigger.”

Y/N noted his passion, her heart fluttering. “What do you think sets Balmain apart from other brands?”

“Balmain is about boldness,” he said, his expression earnest. “Every piece tells a story, and I love being part of that narrative.”

Her pen scribbled notes furiously, but her attention remained on him. “And what story do you want to tell today?”

He paused, considering his words. “Today, I want to show that fashion can be both art and a reflection of self. It’s important to stay true to who you are. Also I’m glad Oliver himself gave me this opportunity.”

“Beautifully said,” Y/N smiled, captivated. “What’s next for you?”

“I’m working on some personal projects,” Jisung replied, his gaze unwavering. “I want to explore music more deeply, and maybe, a collaboration with some artists. Fashion is just one part of my expression.”

Their conversation flowed effortlessly, the buzz of the fashion show becoming a distant hum. Jisung leaned closer, as if sharing a secret. “And what about you? What brought you to Paris?”

Y/N hesitated, then chuckled softly. “I’ve always dreamed of being in the fashion capital, interviewing the most talented people. I guess you could say I’m living my dream, but it’s hard to keep up with all the glamour.”

“Don’t sell yourself short,” he countered, his voice low and sincere. “You’re doing amazing work. And you definitely have a way of making an interview feel... special.”

As the show concluded, the crowd erupted in applause. Jisung glanced at Y/N, who was still watching him, her eyes filled with admiration. “I really appreciate this time, Y/N. It’s not often I feel this connection during interviews.”

“Likewise,” she replied, a blush creeping up her cheeks.

“I just realized,” he said, his expression shifting slightly. “I forgot my phone at the hotel. Could I borrow yours to call someone?”

“Of course!” Y/N responded, handing him her phone, a flutter of excitement swirling in her stomach.

He took the device, his fingers brushing against hers as he dialed a number. But he didn’t call anyone, instead he gave her her phone back. Confused, she looks at her phone reading in the notes his number and ‘Call me when you want :)’

“Wait, you’re giving me your number?” she asked, surprised.

“Yeah, I mean, why not? We had a great conversation,” he replied with a playful smile. “And who knows, maybe I could use your help navigating the Parisian scene.”

Her heart raced as she took the slip of paper he handed her. “I’ll definitely keep this,” she said, tucking it away. “I’d love to help.”

“Great! Maybe we can grab coffee or something?” Jisung suggested, his eyes hopeful.

“Absolutely,” she said, feeling a surge of excitement. “I’d love that.”

As the crowd began to disperse, Y/N felt an urge to seize the moment. “Why don’t you come to my apartment after the show? It’s not far from here. We could talk more, maybe about that collaboration you mentioned. I don’t want to sound to.. hasty tho!! Feel free to refuse!”

“Really?” His face lit up, and a grin spread across his lips. “I’d love to. Just give me a second to change out of this suit.”

“Take your time. I’ll be waiting,” she replied, her heart pounding.

A short while later, they met outside, Jisung now in a casual yet stylish outfit. He walked beside her through the charming Parisian streets, the sun setting and casting a golden glow on everything.

“This city is incredible,” he said, glancing around. “I can see why people fall in love with it.”

“It’s even better when you’re exploring it with someone,” Y/N said, glancing sideways at him, the connection between them palpable.

They arrived at her apartment, a cozy place filled with eclectic decor and soft lighting. Y/N gestured for him to sit as she poured two glasses of wine.

“Cheers to new friendships,” she said, raising her glass.

“Cheers,” he echoed, clinking his glass against hers, their fingers brushing again.

As they sipped their wine, the conversation flowed easily, laughter punctuating the air. Jisung leaned in closer, his voice a soft murmur. “You know, I’ve never felt this way about someone I just met.”

“Me neither,” Y/N confessed, her heart fluttering as she met his gaze. “It’s like... there’s something special here.”

He sighed, a content smile on his lips. “We should enjoy this moment, whatever it is.”

Y/N watched him, captivated by the way his eyes sparkled. “Agreed. But I can’t help but wonder what happens next.”

“Let’s not think about the ‘next’ just yet,” he said, moving a little closer. “Let’s just enjoy what we have right now.”

With the atmosphere thickening, Y/N felt a rush of courage. “Jisung,” she murmured, “would it be too forward if I said I really want to kiss you?”

His breath caught, his eyes widening slightly before a soft chuckle escaped his lips. “I was hoping you’d say that.”

And just like that, the space between them shrank, the world outside fading away. Jisung cupped her face gently, leaning in until their lips met. It was a sweet, tentative kiss that quickly deepened, filled with the promise of something beautiful.

When they finally pulled away, both breathless, Y/N smiled shyly. “Wow. I didn’t expect that.”

“Neither did I,” Jisung admitted, his forehead resting against hers. “But I’m glad it happened.”

Y/N gazed into his eyes, feeling a warmth spread through her. “So, what do we do now?”

“Let’s keep this between us for now,” he suggested, a mischievous glint in his eyes. “I think we have something worth exploring.”

“I like the sound of that,” she said, her heart soaring. “A secret romance in the city of love.”

“Exactly,” he replied, a smile playing on his lips. “Just you, me, and Paris.”

As the sun dipped below the horizon, the city lights began to twinkle, reflecting the magic of their newfound connection—a love that blossomed amidst the glamour and chaos, hidden yet vibrant, waiting to unfold.

As days turned into weeks, their secret meetings became the highlight of both their lives. They strolled through cobblestone streets, shared quiet dinners in tucked-away bistros, and found solace in each other’s laughter.

One evening, as they sat on a balcony overlooking the Seine, Y/N turned to Jisung, her heart full. “What if we told the world?”

He paused, his gaze thoughtful. “I want to, but I’m afraid of how it might change things. The industry can be harsh.”

She nodded, understanding the weight of his words. “But we can’t keep hiding forever. I want to be proud of what we have.”

“Me too,” he admitted, taking her hand. “Let’s give it time. We can enjoy this moment without the pressure of the world watching.”

Y/N smiled, feeling reassured. “Okay. We’ll take it slow.”

Their connection deepened, the love that had sparked in Paris growing into something beautiful and real. They learned to navigate the complexities of their lives, balancing their careers with their devotion to each other, always cherishing the moments stolen beneath the Parisian sky.

And as they embraced the uncertainty of their future, one thing remained clear—their love was worth every risk, every whispered secret, and every stolen kiss. In the city of love, they had found each other, and that was more than enough.

#skz x reader #stray kids x reader #stray kids x y/n #skz #stray kids #stray kids fluff #han x you #han x y/n #han x reader #han jisung x reader #han jisung #han fluff #han jisung fluff

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ofallthingsnasty · 6 months ago

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tw: workplace harassment, mental illness, gn reader, make sure to read the last paragraph as well characters: Crocodile, Doflamingo word count: 1k

While I may be suffering from "I'm a total newbie and scared shitless of my boss" disease + an anxiety disorder, this would be so perfect for either Crocodile and Doflamingo.

Just think about it… You just started working for one of them - and both men certainly demand respect, can be quite scary when provoked, but you think you can weather any storm that might be coming your way. You’re grown, you’ve got bills to pay, they’ve been professional enough so far, it won’t be too bad, right? Oh, stupid, stupid you - because they can smell your little authority figure issues ten miles upwind.

Both notice that you're green, easily impressed and hurried by their presence, notice how sweaty your hands and furrowed your brow gets - and both definitely corner you; try to get you into a frenzied state, right into panic mode just because it’s fun to see how you slowly fly off the hinges. They both toy with you in their own ways - Crocodile is just always standing behind you, silently watching, only the smell of smoke and his cologne telling you he's right there, looming over your shoulder. He enjoys the way your hands shake with whatever it is you’re doing, how you cough and shift around while he does absolutely nothing. His mere presence makes you so antsy he doesn't even have to say something and his silence is easily interpreted as criticism and mistrust by your anxious little brain. It only gets worse when he never talks about his little staring/surveillance sessions, never explains why he randomly shows up at your desk or workstation, never asks you for a word afterwards - you always feel like you’re not good enough, that no matter how long you’ve been by his side, he needs to check up on you. He’s an imposing man, too - so much bulk and smoke, just the thought of him asking you for a vis-a-vis keeps you up at night. And every day, every week spent fretting over him and his perception of you (coupled with the fact that you really, really need this job) makes you more and more insecure, makes it hard to unwind after yet another long day, makes you overanalyze every single glance, every word and move of his. He slowly creeps into your after-hours, your conversations with friends, your weekends, even your vacations. And he can tell. Crocodile notices the slight, subtle changes. The way you smooth over your clothes before talking to him, how you place an index and middle finger over sternum as if to shield yourself from him, the fucking cold sweat shining on your forehead whenever he does question a decision of yours with a gruff bark. The way you avoid his eyes, stumble over your own feet in a hurry, the way he can see that you sleep worse and worse - that’s how he knows he's got you hooked, fully and wholly. That all you're thinking about is him and work and pleasing him and being good at work and again, him and work and him and- Your job is the only thing in your life now, from the moment you wake up to the time you lay your head down to sleep, everything is consumed by thoughts of him and his opinions about you and your abilities, always aiming to please and so, so nervous to fail. It’s perfect.

Doflamingo is way more vocal about it. He'll throw your work right back into your face, all sneers and acid tongue. It’s just not enough, never enough, reflects badly on him, on his company - whatever it is you do, it hails nothing but criticism and mockery and late nights to fix your stupid mistakes. He doesn’t even give you moments of rest, he just constantly picks on you until you’re seriously considering just resigning for your own mental health. He’s methodically destroying your self-esteem, makes you doubt your own abilities - you know you shouldn’t let him creep into your head as much as he does, but when all you hear is that you’re so fucking bad at your job, how much you suck - it sticks. You’re so stressed because of him you almost have a panic attack over putting your two weeks in and despite your suffering, you keep procrastinating, keep telling yourself you’ll do it tomorrow, when you have had a full night’s sleep. Problem is - you never do. He can tell by the way you’re idling, fiddling with the straps of your bag whenever he comes in for the day that you’re trying to leave - but that you're simply too scared of his reaction to pull the trigger. And that right there; that fear, that pedestal you put him on is the perfect breeding ground for all sorts of unethical things he can push you to do for him. He starts out small; things like getting him coffee in the mornings when you never did that before, a too-warm, lingering hand on your shoulder, a comment about your outfit - every little thing is calculated, tailored to slowly destroy your boundaries while you fear him more and more, give him way more authority over your life than you should. He knows it’s psychological, that someone else might be able to flip him off and leave without ever thinking twice about him. But you… You have accepted him as the one part of your life everything hinges on - you give him all that power in your sick little brain. Oh, he’ll use it well. The fun has only just started, rest assured.

And while Crocodile gets to click his tongue, scoff and tell you that he'll take over from now on because clearly - you're just not capable and you obviously need him (not only at work but also in your whole life, silly), Doflamingo taunts you and tells you to make yourself useful, then, if you can't even do your job right. Maybe sucking his dick is your true calling - come on, let's see if you can do at least one thing right. One man wants to take your life over completely, sees you as the malleable (perfect) mess that you are, with all the potential that comes with it - and the other just wants to fuck you up for the next decade of your life, wants to be reason you wake up in the middle of night because his vicious smile still bounces around in that head of yours

#crocodile x reader #doflamingo x reader #one piece x reader #ah... if only crocodile decided to fuck me up and make me worse.. only for him to swoop in and use it as an excuse to wife me up... hmmmm..#/crocodile #/doflamingo #/one pice

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arcaneafterhours · 6 months ago

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i drew the sbg characters if they were in my comics magic system heres a long post talking about their abilities

i somehow did doodles of all of them in one day lol. THIS IS GOING TO BE A VERY LONG POST BE CAREFUL ABOUT CLICKING READ MORE THIS IS JUST ME YAPPING ABOUT MY COMIC AND ABOUT SBG

ok so the magic system of my comic is basically this: your eye color aligns with a “concept”, and each concept turns into a very unique super power for each individual. it can be anything, as long as it fits the concept. literal or metaphorical. i designed this power system to be very vague so you can be super creative

ill explain each concept as i go down, but i basically switched the sbg cast with my cast, so all of them are called “duo ranked” and have heterochronmia, and their concepts have mixed together to create a new, entirely unique power that fits both concepts in its own creative way.

i also kept one color for every character except for aiden. i kept his red eye, because if i didnt i would be doing FOUR BROWN RANKS and i want to show off this system so ill only do 3 lmao

heres how it went:

starting off with ashlyn, her ability came pretty easy. i kept her green eye(the concept of growth) and gave her a white eye(the concept of enhancement(typically of ones own values or senses)), and they mixed together to give her control over sound, more specifically its volume and frequencies

its very useful for her, she avoids being overwhelmed way easier now and can switch off whatever is bugging her if it gets too loud. coincidentally, eavesdropping is INCREDIBLY easy, since she can just turn up a specific conversation she wants to listen in on. and she can manipulate frequencies so she makes tyler voicecrack all the time because its really funny. very simple power and its perfect for ash. her drawing turned out okay, i kinda rushed them all just to have them done dont expect high quality

I had a VERY fun time coming up with aidens power. he has his red eye(the concept of creation(self explanatory)) and i gave him a purple eye (the concept of perception, like illusions and such) and the two mixed together to allow him to turn duplicate illusions into reality (if he has enough strength to do so). he can create illusions that are specifically duplicates of objects, and they are only temporary for the time being until he actually ‘creates’ it, then of course it just permanently exists. he is limited to only a single duplicate, and one at a time. actually creating something is very draining

the only human duplicate he can make that will function correctly is himself, and he cannot make it more than a temporary illusion. he can make decoy human illusions, but he cannot make them real.

i had a lot of fun trying to draw his stupid hair it was good practice, im very happy with his drawing

next is tyler!! i put “pursuance” in the drawing because i never know how to describe it but tracking or pursual(is that a word??) is a better word i guess?? its in the works

I kept his brown eye(the concept of pursuit(being able to track things basically)) and gave him an orange eye (the concept of healing) and i gave him a pretty literal power of being able to track how far along the healing process an individual is. in turn, this also gives him the ability to sense when someone around him is hurt.

also, since he can track the healing journey, physically touching him will speed it up ever so slightly. if you have a stomach ache just go hug tyler and eventually you’ll feel better

now for possibly my favorite ability, TAYLOR :D! (featuring me forgetting the word pursuit exists and just putting ‘persual’ which may not be a WORD google LIED TO ME HELP DONT LOOK AT IT

ANYWAY just like tyler i kept her brown eye, and then i gave her a pink eye (the concept of connection), which gave me the idea of her being like tylers opposite. i wanted their powers to reflect each other, so where tyler can track physical injuries and how they heal, taylor can ‘connect’ with others and sense their mood and how it has recently been. almost like a graph!! sometimes she accidentally does it and gets overwhelmed trying to keep track of other peoples moods when she isnt prepared to handle it.

and just like tyler, physical touch from taylor will make you happy and calm (hugging taylor does that anyway) so she is like that scene in big hero six where they all lay on baymax because hes very warm and i love her

I HAVE NEVER DRAWN HAIR LIKE BEN PLEASE DONT ASK I DID MY BEST ON THESE LIYTLE DODLES

anyway

for the last time i kept bens brown eye because why does everyone have brown eyes, and then i also gave him white because i got a really really funny idea ok.

ben can track movement of people around him specifically, and he can enhance his own power. if he enhances it enough for one person, he can predict what their course of movement is about to be. its very immediate, so when hes trying to process it the action could very much already be happening. its very useful actually!!!

ITS TIME FOR MY FAVORITE ABILITY RAJGEJR FINALLY NO MORE BROWN ABILITIES

I kept logans blue eye (the concept of movement) and i gave him yellow (the concept of light) because yk yk hes a dlorist photosynthesis WHATEVER

he can basically control the movement of anything in bright light. the control on it he has depends on how bright the light is, so he finds it useful to keep a flashlight on him

THATS ALL, I HAD A LOT OF FUN FOJNG THIS I STARTED AT 10 AM AND FINISHED AT ABOUT 1:30 PM LMAO MY WRJSTS HURT A LITTLE :] If you like the magic system, i post all about the actual protagonists in #comicsafterhours if you want to see more idkffkjmdnfm,,,,,, anyway

if you actually read all that tysm?? love you lots?? ill probably draw my ocs in the sbg situation soon

#sbg #school bus graveyard #school bus graveyard webtoon #sbg (webtoon)#aiden clark #taylor hernandez #tyler hernandez #ashlyn banner #ben clark #schoolbus graveyard #comicsafterhours #oops

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the-daiz · 2 months ago

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hiii i loved your flash falling in love fanfic sm it was so cute😭😭

your other idea of having a scenario of him falling for a reader that's strong also seemed very interesting. could you maybe write that but with like.. a short reader? like a reader whose power doesn't match their size at all? (hero or not)

(i may be projecting on the height part😔)

if not, that's ok. i just rlly like your fanfics/hcs, and i enjoy reading them a lot!! <3

Flashy flash, falling inlove? #2

Genre; fluff, hcs

Pairing; Flashy flash x reader

Short! Reader

side note; Isn’t projecting the whole point of x reader fics? 🤔🤔 I’m so glad you enjoy my fics ml! I appreciate your support sm sm 💋

not proofread (sorry)

Flashy flash doesn’t really focus on much.

well, what I mean is: his focus rarely strays to anything but himself and his duties, which sounds slightly narcissistic but he’s simply goal-oriented (and self-loving).

he merely wants to eradicate all evil and get stronger.

Truly, it’s surprising when you catch his keen interest.

You were strong. Possibly as powerful as him, that was the first thing that caught his attention.

The first time he caught you using the full extent of your power, he wasn’t sure if he was jealous or completely riddled with admiration.

but first he needed to test out how truly strong you were, and what better way to do that then accompany you on one of your hero missions, respectfully inspecting you as you slay the fiends bringing terror to the innocent.

very arrogantly asking you to a duel, apparently.

He’s very… stuck up about it. Which obviously doesn’t sit right with you, and your first impression of him isn’t the best.

He can’t help but look down on you, literally and figuratively, because of your miniature size.

However, when you finally have your duel, whether you win or lose or you end up in a draw, he does quickly learn he shouldn’t underestimate you.

After that interaction, he starts watching you more closely, maybe whenever you’re in the same parameter, or even going out of his way to find out what your schedule is and observing you from afar .He’s very subtle about it.

That was when he started experiencing something else other than respectful curiosity…

It’s how easily you navigate your strength and weaknesses, the immense sense of confidence that radiated from you and the power in your every move, it just kept pulling him deeper every time he witnessed it.

He began to talk to you more often.

He’d suddenly appear whenever you’re fighting any monsters and help you defeat them, then swiftly stir the conversation so he’s talking about anything that may be of interest to you, just so he can stretch out this conversation for as long as possible.

His tone is neutral and even a little cold, which fits the stoic expression on his face, so you can’t tell if he has any feelings for you.

Other people can though.

His quite oblivious to his own emotions. He just thinks you’re just another strong hero he can benefit from by being close to. Despite the fact he stares at you longer than he’s stared at anything else, and the fact he often times thinks about you and what you’d do, say or think in certain situations, or even the fact you give him a sense of inspiration he didn’t know he longed for.

ironically, the way it really dawns on him that he likes you, is when he catches himself adjusting how he looks on the reflection of a window before going up to talk to you.

Now that he thinks about it, he’s been taking even more care of how he presents himself ever sense he started hanging around you.

He starts growing more distant after really evaluating himself.

he doesn’t want these feelings to become a distraction for him in the future. He’s still a hero with a duty and a status to maintain.

It doesn’t last very long however, because in that small period of time he realized how much you meant to him.

it irritated him tbh, and he started cursing and insulting you in his head.

But all the negative thoughts dissipated as soon as he glanced at your face. The face that never left his thoughts or dreams.

His attraction to you manifests in subtle ways— He starts to stand closer to you. He compliments you a bit more but often times it’s (a little) back-handed. Whenever he’s in the hero association building maybe for a meeting or such, and he catches wind that you’re there too, he’s quick to ignore everyone else to look for you.

He’s still stuck-up, but he’s now a more gentle, patient, considerate AND stuck-up version of himself (to you at least)

He also invites you to spar or train together every now and then, and he gets so. Incredibly. Excited. If you make time for him. ESPECIALLY IF YOU’RE THE ONE INVITING HIM TO TRAIN/SPAR.

He pretends like it’s whatever, and he doesn’t care that much. But he can’t stop thinking about it, like he just keeps looking at the time and calculating how many hours, minutes, seconds are left before he meets up with you.

I can see him confessing to you in a ver stupid way, straightforward and stupid. Something that would keep him up at night because it was so embarrassing and out of the blue.

After one of your sparring sessions, maybe you two are just talking and catching your breathes. And maybe he says something… er, stupid like…

”you know, a lot of people are impressed by me. Obviously.” *pauses awkwardly* “I, uh… i guess I’m kind of impressed by you too. Don’t let it get to your head though, when you can’t even reach my head.” -flashy flash, with a snarky smirk.

”your back-handed compliments are getting a bit old, flash. I can’t really tell if you actually mean them or want to get a rise out of me.” -you

Shit.

He starts to panic internally.

and his heart starts racing.

and he gulps.

“No- I- Sorry- I’m complimenting you! You’re very impressive! I’m impressed!” He blurts out loudly, his face frowning but flushed with red. You blink, surprised by the sudden switch in his demeanor.

”oh, it’s fine. I wasn’t being that serious-“ -you

“I don’t think I can do this anymore, the fact is, I’m inlove with you.” -flashy flash

”Wha-”

The confession is so bizarre, you burst out laughing.

he’s very flustered when you do, and is a little hurt, thinking you may be making fun of him.

How he is in a relationship with you…

In public, he doesn’t really do much. Just makes an effort to be around you when he can, and tells you to stay safe whenever both of you have to part ways.

but behind closed doors, he’s like a new person.

He’s soft and gentle with you, holding you, caressing you, kissing you. Everything.

did I mention that he’s very good with words? He’s very good with words. He tries to charm you constantly, reiterating his devotion to you with a new set of vocabulary each time.

He teases you as much as he sweet talks you though. Especially when it comes to your height.

He doesn’t mind your height difference, but he does find it kind of adorable. The way you crane your neck to look up at him, of how you can slip through small spaces thanks to your size, and how it sometimes helps you with being flexible in battle. But most of all, he likes when you have to stand on your toes and pull him by his collar to kiss him.

if you steal his clothes, he’ll complain and act annoyed, but he adores seeing you wear them. They’re so big on, but that’s what makes it so nice, it’s like a part of him is able to protect you. (In a strange/unique way)

He’ll gift you one of his favorite shirts/hoodies and drench it in his cologne. And will say something like “You steal it so much you might as well just have it. My god, you’re such a hassle.”

He likes giving you pet names like, “gorgeous” or fucking “sweetheart” or maybe even “sweetness”, or the typical “love”, “darling”. He’s very diverse.

When he’s feeling cocky he’ll call you “tiny” or “short stuff” (corny ass)

Just loves spending time with you and generally watching you do stuff.

sitting in your presence is simply intoxicating to him, it provides him with such tranquility he’s never known in his life.

You’ll catch him warmly smiling at you a lot.

He does worry about you sometimes if you’re assigned a dangerous mission, he’s confident in your abilities but that doesn’t mean he isn’t afraid you might get hurt. He’ll send you a short text like ‘hey, you alright? Call me when you’re done’ and he’ll check his phone constantly throughout the day.

when you finally text/call him, he’ll breath a sigh of relief then pretend he wasn’t worried in the slightest.

#Opm #one punch man #one punch man x reader #opm x reader #flashy flash #flashy flash opm #flashy flash one punch man #Flashy flash hcs #flashy flash x reader #short reader #Fluff #Daisy loves fluff

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heretichromia · 27 days ago

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Thoughts about Gladiia and Kal'tsit

I'm frustrated by (among many things) how little context we still have for Gladiia's relationship with Kal'tsit.

Even post-Path of Life. I was hoping for some more information, but at the very least the MTL of Path of Life is much more sparse with...characterization than I'd have liked it to be. I'm hoping that the official translation reveals things that were lost by automation, but I won't hold my breath.

The juxtaposition between Kal'tsit and her mother in their IS3 dialogue is really interesting. It's one of my favorite passages in the game. There's so much there, but it's also very specifically an early dialogue between them. At the time, they'd only recently met, and we only get snippets of anything that suggests a deeper connection between them in their other interactions.

More on that below the cut.

There will not be any Path of Life spoilers here. I don't really feel comfortable using Path of Life to support my arguments before it gets an official translation.

Does Gladiia see Kal'tsit as a mother figure?

Despite her being an adult woman, she's still—at the time of their IS3 conversation—trapped in the mold that her mother made for her. She reflects and realizes that the very virtues she's always fought for, the greater good she was prepared to sacrifice her life for, were planted in her by her family and her nation, and that she's never been able to "[swim] against the tide." Kal'tsit was the first person who prompted her to consider otherwise, to offer her some form of self-determination. She's attentive to Gladiia, directly contrasted with her mother's neglect. Her voice is cold, but her actions are warm, and that warmth is directly contrasted with her mother's at every beat. It's hard for me to read this passage without coming to the conclusion that Gladiia sees something of a mother in Kal'tsit, the mother she needed instead of the mother she had.

And...that's kind of the only place we really get that! And we don't even get the full conversation! Not that we need to, I think the passage is perfectly fine on its own without going in depth about what Gladiia shared with Kal'tsit and what her reactions were.

...So long as it's also supported by other passages that can help us fill in the blanks. Which we...don't have a lot of.

It's...abundantly clear that Gladiia has incredible respect for Kal'tsit. She's defensive of her, she speaks highly of her, and she actually listens to Kal'tsit when she contradicts her, often without argument. That doesn't mean she always behaves how Kal'tsit wants her to behave, but she clearly values her opinions and her judgment. She's obedient towards her, to someone completely uninvolved in the Ægirian power structure. The mere suggestion that the Inquisition could handle her in the event of conflict bruised Gladiia's ego enough that she turned confrontational in the middle of mission-critical negotiations, but she behaved the instant Kal'tsit pulled on her leash. This has been spoken about to death, so I won't belabor it any further, but it reflects some surprisingly warm feelings on Gladiia's behalf.

But that's...all we get.

We don't even get many looks into how Kal'tsit feels. She's obviously empathetic and caring, but that's...Kal'tsit. That's how she is, always. She's trying to carry the world on her back as much as she can while knowing that it needs to be able to stand on its own. If Gladiia does see Kal'tsit as a mother—

—which, if true, isn't even necessarily an indication that she sees the actual nature of their relationship as that of a mother and daughter, or preclude them from being on more equivalent footing (friends, partners, or even lovers); the entire Abyssal Hunters story is full of familial bonds that aren't necessarily literal—

—it's unclear if Kal'tsit sees Gladiia as a daughter, an equal who's lost her sense of direction, or just another of many, many lost children that she's taken temporarily under her wing until they can fly on their own. Kal'tsit is notoriously hard to read, by her own design.

Gladiia herself is hardly emotionally forthcoming, or perceptive for that matter. I think it's unlikely she knows exactly how Kal'tsit feels. Has she ever given it much thought? Has she considered speaking with her about it? My personal read on Gladiia is that she likely wouldn't unless prompted to, as she's had to be prodded to engage with others on an deep interpersonal level (mostly by Laurentina outside of this one conversation).

This gives a wide range of possible dynamics between the two of them that I would really like the story to actually give a damn about exploring! I find myself straining against the Abyssal Hunter story sometimes. I am extremely invested in these characters but only really interested in the plot by how it develops them. When the plot is intimately personal to the involved characters, like with the Sui storyline, it works wonderfully*—but the Seaborn as a plot device are extremely hit-or-miss.

*I do not actually think the Sui plot has consistently worked wonderfully, and I think it has considerable problems with direction, but I think this one part of it is actually pretty praiseworthy. See: Here a People Sows, where the entire thrust of the plot was deeply ingrained in character motivations.

#arknights #gladiia #kal'tsit #ak text

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wavyskies · 4 months ago

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A post that's very much related to a separate post that's been going around the graphic side of Tumblr. (To the person that made the original, this is not in bad taste. I'm just stating opinions of my own and opinions that others may have in common with me. I genuinely have no intent on trying to make you look necessarily bad in any way. The first half is just kind of me rephrasing the original post because I thought it had a good point, but that point got lost along the way.):

Make a pretty blog because: you enjoy making it, having one makes you happy, looking at it comforts you, etc.

If making a pretty blog doesn't feel like something that would be worth your time or would make you happy, then don't.

Just have fun and be yourself, there is no standard to meet and you having a "non-aesthetic" blog doesn't reflect on you. People are here for YOU, not your blog aesthetic.

That being said, to anyone and everyone who DOES have an "aesthetic" blog, that's cool. I hope it makes you happy.

And I hope that some people realize that making and decorating a blog, even if it's super "aesthetic," IS a way to express yourself. Art is self expression, fashion is self expression, music is self expression, even book covers can be self expression. It doesn't matter if it follows a color scheme, maybe that's just what you like and what feels right.

And using myself as an example because I'm sure I'm not the only one, I don't make my blog appearance for ANY of you. I'm sorry. It's for me, because it brings me comfort. I like having a pretty blog because it helps with my anxiety, I enjoy looking at it, and it feels more like mine. And also, there are so many blogs I have made that I find "aesthetic" that are on private. They could not be less for followers or status.

"It's just copying" (<- paraphrasing here.) No idea is original. Listen to me: no BOOK idea is entirely original. Every story has technically been done before in one way or another. Does that mean the author has no personality? Does that mean the author has no creativity or is just trying to seem cool? No. There is no such thing as an entirely original thing. But they we're expressing their talent and what they like to do. Let people have fun, let people do what they want.

This same argument can and does happen in the artist community, the writing community, and every other form of art. This is not a new argument, it's just a slightly different context. If this was applied intensely to everything, no one would participate in hobbies anymore.

I love everyone who doesn't have "aesthetic" blogs. I love everyone who does. And yes, some people with pretty blogs get followers more easily, but those followers have minds of their own. If they realise "hey, this person isn't actually all that great of an individual," then they'll unfollow them. A color scheme and some pngs don't earn love and forgiveness. It's all for enjoyment and fun.

Please do be yourself. But be yourself in whatever way works for YOU. At the end of the day, it really is just pixels. So the appearance of your things or how cool you seem DOESN'T matter. But take that again with the context of this post: the appearance of your things or how cool you seem DOESN'T matter. So do what you want.

I am very aware that this post is much less than perfect. There are definitely parts that I could've phrased differently, and things I could've added to convey the message better. But I hope you can understand what I was trying to say. Thank you for your time if you read this far, and if you have any comments or things you would like to add on to improve this, please let me know. And it's more than likely that I'm wrong about a lot of this, and this entire conversation is up to debate. If you disagree, then please discuss it publicly because I think this is an interesting debate and I would love to understand more than my biased stances allow me to right now. Again, thank you so much for your time. Have a lovely day. <3

#⛓️┈┈┈•༶ talking #rentry graphics #rentry decor #rentry blog #tumblr layouts #rentry stuff #sntry graphics #sntry decor #rentry

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thecurioustale · 6 months ago

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My New Book Is Out! | Tokens of Zeal

My new book is out!

Buy it! Buy it now!

That's right: In secret, on January 2 of this year I began writing a book of essays. Some of you may know that I have an online journal, which I created in the summer of 2003 when I was just 21 years old and have kept up with ever since. For my new book I went back to the journal and read through it, entry by entry, drawing out excerpts of interest that became conversation pieces for 81 various and sundry essays reflecting on my past life and past thoughts.

The essays are short, often very short. They are less challenging than my usual writing, I would say. My purpose was not to advance my personal frontier of philosophy and intellectual thought in 2024, or to reach a niche audience of deep thinkers, but instead to reflect sincerely on some things I've seen along the way and muse upon how my thoughts have changed and stayed the same over twenty years.

I mention this to you because I am a bit worried that anyone who reads this book might think there's not much to me as an author, and might be dissuaded from reading my works of fiction when those books eventually come out, so I'll lampshade that by adding that I wrote this book in two-and-a-half months. Make of that what you will. I told myself I wouldn't self-sabotage the book by needlessly saying negative things about it, and I am proud of it, not only the fact that I finished it at all, let alone so quickly, but of the actual contents too.

This book is "Volume 1" in a hypothetical series, as it doesn't cover the entire twenty years of the journal but only the first four months, from August to November of 2003—at which point the essays had reached "book length" (lol). So really this book is a snapshot of my life in the latter half of 2003. At that time, I was fading out of college due to financial hardship and other issues, and did not realize that I would never (as yet) return.

I have been wanting for years to go back and reread my journal, and writing a book out of it was the perfect impetus to finally do it. I think a few things stand out about the Josh of 2023:

First, my principles have remained remarkably consistent, but my awareness and understanding of the world has grown drastically, and so those same principles have led me over time to some different policy views and worldviews on some things.

Second, I was a 21-year-old arrogant block of cheese, full of hormones and self-conviction, and that definitely shows up at times in ways that I simultaneously am not proud of and yet which I admire for their sheer gall. There is something very magnetic about the old me which doesn't exist anymore.

Third, following up on that point, it was pretty inspiring and encouraging to revisit the old me, with all that native optimism and drive. I don't express those qualities anymore because life has worn me down and also because I have come to recognize that humanity's problems are a lot more stubborn and irremediable than I thought. By glimpsing into the past, I couldn't help but be cheered on by the old Josh's proud, utopian sense of human inevitability. It lifted my own spirits in the here and now!

I made the mistake of announcing the book on Patreon right after I finished writing it, i.e. back in mid-March. Then I had to wring my hands every week about how post-production was taking longer than expected. Between the irritating realities of formatting a book in software not properly equipped to format a book (never write a book in Google Docs), the complexities of my detail-oriented manner and strong vision regarding the cover design (and engaging for the first time ever with modern generative AI, and having to learn those ropes), and sustaining illnesses and other life priorities and so on, it would take me another two months in all to finally reach today, where I can now publicly declare:

The book is done! It is for sale right now. It is called:

Tokens of Zeal: Words from a Vanished Age

(Caption: Book front cover of Tokens of Zeal: Words from a Vanished Age, by Joshua Calars.)

You can buy it through Amazon in either paperback or e-book format. (I recommend the paperback version for aesthetics as it is much truer to my design vision for the book's layout and appearance, but my profit margin is actually a dollar bigger with the e-book version, so really just go with whichever version you prefer.) It is available in the US as well as in basically all the other countries that Amazon has expanded its publishing service into. If you need help finding a link to a particular version, give me a ping and I will point you there (if there is a "there" to be pointed to). This is my second published book, following Prelude to After The Hero in 2015, and the first book to be published in print.

If you do read it, first of all thank you! It's an honor that you would take the time. Second of all, I would love any feedback you care to offer. That's not a platitude either; feedback is hard to come by and I really would be interested in anything you have to say, good or bad. You can e-mail me, DM, reblog this, drop an ask, or tag me in an independent post. Whatever you like! Feedback will help me greatly when I eventually get around to writing Volume 2. And feel free to leave a review on Amazon, whether good or bad (though hopefully you enjoy the book); I am told it pleases The Algorithm. But most of all, if you enjoy the book, tell someone about it! Your word-of-mouth is currently 100 percent of my advertising budget, lol.

That's all. I wrote a book; it took four-and-a-half-months; it's done now; and it's the first time I've ever gotten to hold a book that I wrote in my hands as a physical thing, and that's pretty neat.

#Tokens of Zeal: Words from a Vanished Age #New books #Self-publishing #Shameless author self-promotion #Joshua Calars #I am trying on “Joshua Calars” as my new pen name with this book #“The Sinistral” that I used with the Prelude to ATH didn't quite sit right with me #“Calars” is a word in Relance that refers to sunset #They/he are my pronouns; “they” is what I prefer but I won't get mad at you for “he”

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writingsforwhatever · 1 year ago

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magnolia (m.s.) part 2

part 1 part 3

summary: reader has a friends with benefits arrangement with matt (what is there to explain?)

genre: ANGST

word count: 1k

a/n: hi! please read this before pressing 'Keep reading' ~ this story was written years ago, it was for my creative writing and same as all the stories I posted here. I used different inspirations for this, from stories I've read before whether book or online. Again, this is fiction.

The sunlight streamed through the blinds, causing her to squint. She heard Matt's gentle breaths as he slept beside her, his body facing downward on the bed while his head turned towards her, granting her a view of his flawless face, even in slumber. He breathed quietly, not even a snore.

Last night felt like a dream. He took her to a rooftop restaurant with a stunning view of the city lights, where he confessed his love and decided to end their arrangement. She kissed him and cried, agreeing it was a stupid set up intended to only break their hearts. That was all Matt needed to hear.

Eventually, they ended up having sex in every corner of his place. He was grateful for his and his brothers' decision in giving each other the chance to move out and have their own place at times like these because he could not be seen fucking her in the kitchen counter by Nick where he eats his cereal every morning. And that is something Matt preferred not to think or worry about ever while he's buried inside of her. It also gave Matt a chance to be his own self after living with them for half of his life.

Familiarity with his apartment comes naturally to her, almost surpassing her knowledge of her own place. A forgotten scarf of hers, delicately hanging behind his front door, stands as a tangible reminder—a subtle representation of her presence in his life. Just like the scarf, she lingers, an ever-present figure, intricately woven into the fabric of his existence.

After a long day at work, she made her way to the coffee shop located on 11 Bow St, Somerville. He had texted her earlier that day that they needed to talk, this however set off an unsettling feeling inside of her. Walking down the familiar street, on the way to the apartment complex where Matt resided with his brothers—Chris down the hall and Nick on the second floor—she couldn't shake off an eerie feeling creeping upon her. Was Matt regretting in making her his girlfriend already? Why not just tell her over text? Was something wrong? With each step, she prepared herself for their conversation. More thoughts flooded her mind, yet she had no inkling of the surprising news Matt was about to reveal-something she hadn't even considered ever in her life.

When she stepped foot in his apartment, she secretly hoped it was a dinner surprise, him cooking her favorite meal, maybe an intimate bath he prepared for them while she was out; easing her worries from his text message. However, she stumbled upon Matt seated on the couch, his sobs echoing through the room. He sat with his hands on his head. His eyes, red and swollen. Coat and hat tossed aside carelessly. Tousled hair evidence of repeated running of fingers through the strands. As she took in the scene, he glances at her, blue eyes filled with tears.

"Oh my god, Matt. What happened? What's wrong?" she gasped, sinking to her knees before him and holding his trembling hands. He hugged her, his tear-streaked face buried in her shoulder, wetting her black turtleneck.

He couldn't manage a response, only releasing more sobs.

"What's going on, Matt? You're scaring me," she asked again, her voice soft with concern, her eyes reflecting the sorrow etched on his face.

In all the years she'd known him, she'd never witnessed Matt this distressed, not even close to this level of despair.

Matt struggled to speak through his tears. "I'm sorry, baby. I really am sorry."

Concern turned to deep worry. "Okay, now you're really scaring me. What happened? Why are you saying sorry to me? Did you and Chris have a fight? Or Nick—" she attempted to guess, while still trying to comfort him.

He interrupted, locking his gaze with hers. "It's Grace."

Her mind raced, a million more thoughts are now going through her head. Grace who?

"Who's—" she started, her voice trembling.

"It's the..." He faltered again, tears streaming down his face. "It's the girl I met at the bar in Canada."

With a nod, she silently urged Matt to continue. His tone conveyed an overwhelming sense of despair, as if his entire world had collapsed in an instant and shattered right before his eyes.

"She called me this morning. I don't know how she got my number, maybe from my friend way back in college, I don't know," he explained, his voice trembling, unable to meet her eyes.

It finally clicked in her mind—the vague mention from her friend last month about the familiar girl she saw Matt with. This woman, she was their former schoolmate at UMass. Until this moment, Grace had been a complete stranger to her, but she knew Grace was connected with some of her own friends, a mutual acquaintance.

Someone she had never expected would come between them, someone who hadn't crossed her mind—an unexpected threat she hadn't even considered. It was unfathomable, someone seemingly unassuming becoming a disruptive force in their shared life and the love they held for each other.

She didn't even know the woman.

"Okay, Matt, just breathe," she pleaded, trying to calm him down.

He rose abruptly, taking a couple of steps before turning back to face her, she mirrored his movement, standing and locking eyes with him, bracing herself for his next words.

"She's pregnant. And it's mine. And she's decided to keep it," he confessed through tears, his voice quivering, his gaze fixed on hers, as he searched her face for a reaction.

Her legs felt weak, but strangely, no tears came. It was that sensation of the world collapsing around her. The instinct to run away, to escape the situation and never lay eyes on him again clawed at her, she felt the need to stab her heart with a knife, that's what it felt like anyway, but she knew that not a single cry from her, not a single tear shed by Matt, nor any surge of anger from anyone could change the clear reality they found themselves in. Their life, as they knew it, had come to an end. For her, it wasn't just about their shared life crumbling; it was her own life, her plans, everything she had envisioned, all shattered. He was going to be a father, and despite the torment and agony within, she understood that no amount of despair or heartache could alter that irreversible truth.

tags: @querenciasturniolo @athenalive

#matt sturniolo #matt sturniolo x reader #chris sturniolo #matt sturniolo x you #matt sturniolo fanfic

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nivisdreaming · 2 years ago

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Kinks And Cookies

Frustrated by the trials and tribulations of solo BDSM, Y/N comes to their dear friend Eddie Munson for support. Probably shouldn’t have chosen the best friend they’re also in love with for that role, but at least they’ve got cookies as a distraction from the heartache?

Eddie Munson x Sub!Reader

WC: ~800

Tags: Not smut but heavy kink themes, hurt/comfort turned love confession?, self indulgent af, drabble, gender neutral reader, 2nd person POV (you/yours and Y/N use)

Eddie cocks his eyebrow from where he lounges in a dining room chair, a lit joint hanging from his fingertips as he intently listens to your words. “Wait, so you’ve been doing solo play? As a sub?”

“Yeah, and it’s.. fine. Less than ideal for my style, but I’m a big kid, I can take care of myself. Porn and daydreaming works well enough. It’s good enough. For little while, anyway. But that’s not the issue,” you bite your lip and shuffle in your seat, “The problem is afterwards. Aftercare and that stuff. You know how I am with self care. It’s even worse when I’m…” Your words trail off.

“Fucked dumb?” He finishes for you, a smirk on his face as he clearly tries to suppress laughter.

“Eds! This is serious!” You huff and pull your knees up to your chest, burrowing your warm face and wide eyes away from him. “It’s gotten really bad sometimes, Eds, if I don’t do enough I end up dropping.” You take a shaky breath and try to wipe some of tears collecting on your lash-line on your pants. “That’s really scary alone, Eddie. I hate every second of it, and there’s nothing I can even do but wait it out when all I wanna do is feel good.”

A frown replaces Eddie’s teasing expression. He’s heard about subdrop plenty, helped a few playpartners through it once or twice. He’s even had to deal with topdrop himself after a particularly rough scene. He knows the emotions your trying to articulate. The anxiety that eats away at you, the shame and guilt that overshadows all else, the primal sadness and depression that you just can’t explain because there’s not always a reason beyond the physiological. He’s putting out the joint now, quick to move from his seat to squat next to you. A tentative hand reaches for your knee, and he begins to rub small circles over the soft fabric. “I’m sorry I laughed, Y/N.” He can hear your muffled sniffling from where your face is buried, and it’s really tugging on his heartstrings. “What can I do to help? What’d you want me for?”

“Just, hold me. For a few minutes. Til the bad feelings go away.” You feel Eddies arms move up to wrap around your torso, and you’re carefully shifted into his lap and pressed against his chest, his chin resting atop your head. His hand goes to caress your hair and a sob rips from your throat, stilling his breathing.

“Y/N. Maybe this is a bad time, but could I ask you something?” Eddie’s words come out tentatively. You nod from where you lay, not trusting your voice to hold steady. He mutters close to your ear, “Why don’t you have a dom? If being without one isn’t what you want, why be on your own?”

You feel your breath catch, and he worries you can feel how his heart skips a beat at your reply. “There’s… a guy. Who I want to be my dom, but I’m too scared to ask.” You take a heavy pause. “He barely even knows I exist in that capacity, but being with someone besides him would still feel wrong. I’m waiting to either get over him or work up the courage to ask him out. Both seem impossible.” Your words come out mumbled, but at least the talking is enough over a distraction to get you to stop crying.

Eddie is so glad your head is still buried in his chest. You always had such a way of reading him, like you could see his eyes and how they reflected the light and use it to know exactly how he felt. He didn’t want you seeing that moment the hope turned to jealousy turned to heartbreak. God, this had been a rollercoaster of a conversation, even by the weird standards you two had grown accustomed too.

You both sit in silence for awhile, enjoying each other’s embraces, terrified to be the first to move. It feels like centuries have passed by the time the alarm for the cookies you technically were here to bake in the first place sounds through the trailer, and you have to peel yourself from Eddie’s hold reluctantly. He stays on the floor, but you can feel his gaze on you even as you turn to pull the metal sheet from the oven.

“Whoever he is, tell him. You don’t… you don’t deserve to hurt, Y/N. Not like this.” His sightline doesn’t budge when you turn your head around to look at him. There’s some emotion dripping from everything about him, from the hunched way he sits, to the gruff tone of his voice, to the way he blinks a little too often, like he’s trying to clear something away. For once, you can’t quite determine what it is. It only spurs you on.

“It’s you, Eddie. For fucks sake, it’s always been you.”

#eddie munson #eddie munson x you #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson smut #sub!reader #eddie munson fluff #eddie munson x gender neutral reader #eddie munson drabble

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penultimate-step · 1 year ago

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One thing that interests me about Koyomi and Tsubasa's relationship, especially early on, is the contrast between how much they care about each other and how little they really understand each other. From their first meeting, their relationship begins with a complete lack of understanding.

All through Bake, Hanekawa is talked up extremely highly by Koyomi. In his eyes, she's the one who knows everything, the one who is always right. Her own catchphrase might be "I just know what I know," but this is in response to Araragi complimenting her about knowing everything. He rarely thinks that she can possibly be wrong - which makes it almost funny in retrospect to realize that he holds this opinion of her despite the fact that one of the first inferences he every sees her make is massively misreading his own issues.

In Kizu, spurred by the day's sense of melancholy and the sudden absurdity of Hanekawa's skirt situation, Koyomi briefly opens up and is emotionally honest with Hanekawa. (Given that we as readers learn most about him from internal narration, this is bigger than it seems: this is one of the moments when he shares the most about himself out loud to others in the whole series.) It's not his whole deal, not by a long shot, but he gets across the basics: his strained concept of the value of friendship and human connections, his sense of nihilism, and his desire not to have to live as a human: "I want to become a plant," he tells her, "so that I wouldn't have to talk or walk." Honestly I'm not sure what a good response is to someone you are only now having a first conversation with telling you all about his depression, but Hanekawa chooses to reject it. She tells him that normally people would dream of becoming something like a rock, but in his case, since plants are a form of life, "You still want to be a living thing." Subtextually: "You don't really want to kill yourself. You aren't suicidal." To this, Koyomi basically thinks, Huh, never thought about it like that. Maybe you're right. and moves on.

….20 pages later, Koyomi chooses to kill himself for Kiss-Shot's sake, stating, "There isn't a single reason for me to bother staying alive." Kizumonogatari is in large part about Araragi's suicidal depression. Hanekawa, I love you, but you misjudged this one.

Even at this early stage of their relationship, Hanekawa thinks highly of Koyomi, much more than he deserves. As such, when confronted with something she considers a weakness, like his supremely low self-worth, she tries to justify why this isn't actually a trait he has.

Much later, by the time of Neko White, she's gotten a better chance to get to know him and become familiar with his him as a person, including his flaws, enough that she and Senjougahara can list them for hours. But that doesn't necessarily mean she understands him or his motivations - because she cares for him so much, she ends up idealizing his bad traits and his personal weaknesses into charm points and strengths. She says at the book's start that she admires him because of his confidence in his own identity, describing him as a person who doesn't hesitate over questions of who he is as a person or what he should be and do moving forward and comparing herself unfavorably to her own lack of sense of identity.

Readers, having read his narration in Kizu and Neko Black know this is far from true; that he spends a huge amount of page count trying to reflect on where he stands in life. The climaxes of both those books are great examples. In Kizu, Koyomi has a huge internal crisis after seeing the death of Guillotine Cutter. He tells Hanekawa that he is unsure if he is human or monster, worrying even that he'll eat her. He is unsure if he is going to oppose Kiss-Shot or not. And on top of that, his own guilt is eating him alive, causing him to question the worth of all his actions in the book so far. There's no way that this can be called a man sure of who he is, and it is Tsubasa herself who snaps him out of it. He relies on her presence as a guide to move forward. She has first hand experience seeing him experience deep uncertainty as to what kind of person he wants to be, but her narration in Neko White claims the opposite - that his consistency and surety is a trait she admires. A similar kind of struggle happens in Neko Black's ending, though given her own stresses and struggles at the time its very understandable that she didn't catch this one. Time after time Tsubasa is the one to see Koyomi's doubts and greatest moments of weakness, but rather than harm her view of Araragi, if anything it seems to have raised her opinion of him. In her Neko White letter, she admires what she calls "confronting his own weaknesses." She talks about falling in love with him when she saw that he was crying as he saved Kiss-Shot, comparing it negatively to how she showed no emotion and smiles through both suffering and aid. She basically says this outright in the letter: to her, all of Araragi's flaws becomes positive. Moments of self-doubt become moments of self honesty, to cry while acting is to remain true to oneself, and so forth.

Not that Koyomi is a genius at understanding her, either. While he admires her, for most of Kizu a lot of whats going on between them is going on in his head - he's projecting his own issues onto her and he deals with her more as what she represents to him than an equal friend, as he will come to treat her later in Bake and beyond. Neko Black, taking place between these two points, shows him in the middle of this transition.

I feel like there's less to say on his side though, just because Neko Black is much more explicit about Koyomi's failure to understand Tsubasa than Kizu is for the reverse. When she feels obligated by friendship to tell Araragi about her struggles with her family, in a reversal of their first conversation from the start of Kizu, he has this to say about it:

Despite having been friends for a month by then he realizes he has still been seeing her more as an ideal than a person. However, his reaction here, in contrast to when the situation was flipped, also illustrates that his way of misunderstanding is subtly different from the way Hanekawa misunderstands him. Rather than a direct dismissal, Koyomi, while originally ignorant, does come around to understanding What Tsubasa will do. However, he does this while blocking out any understanding of Why she would act like this. He can grasp the actions and emotions, but not the underlying causes.

As an example, near the end of Neko Black, after Koyomi has had some time to internalize his new understanding of Hanekawa, he is able to predict her words to her father before Meme tells him, then later develops a plan to deal with the Cat based around predicting her actions well in advance, first luring her out and then baiting her into attacking him. However, despite all this, he seems to have no knowledge, or perhaps is intentionally blocking out, the motivations behind her actions. Theres a reason she calls him "the worst" when he offers to give his time and energy to deal with her stress. (And much like when he healed her injury earlier, this is him dealing with symptoms rather than the true problem.) Because he's totally misjudging what she actually wants.

A similar pattern can be seen in the Cat chapter of Bake, when he first sees the cat. He realizes this means she's stressed, and can guess at how this will make her act and that things might get dangerous, but has no idea what set her off this time, not until the Cat tells him outright why things got to this point.

Koyomi views Hanekawa so highly, almost like she is incapable of making mistakes, despite having personal experience from the get go that she is very capable of making mistakes and that sometimes her inferences are wrong, and that she is often wrong about him, specifically. Hanekawa is wrong about Koyomi because she does the same thing, and views him so highly that she dismisses and glosses over his faults that she has seen personally. Together, they both consistently fail to understand each other because they place the other on a pedestal without meaning to. And yet, the book is clear that despite this gap in understanding, the friendship is no less for it. The care between the two is real, as is the effort they take in each other's lives.

#monogatari #koyomi araragi #tsubasa hanekawa #step.books

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shipsgaysfordays · 1 year ago

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okay, let's talk about the 1889 meeting between Dream and Hob

(i'm currently rewatching the episode and just i need to talk about it)

Hob has spent centuries barely knowing anything about the Stranger, he'll ask questions at every single meeting to never get any clear answer as to who the Stranger is. all he has are assumptions, "you know everyone, don't you?" because Dream didn't answer him. and you can see very clearly that Hob was annoyed at Dream deflecting yet again this time, that instead he of talking about himself he talked of Lady Joanna. but, at least he learned something about the Stranger.

for centuries their conversations have really only been about Hob despite his many attempts to learn about Dream.

Hob says "people are almost always better than you think they are. not me, though. still the same as ever." simply being a bit self deprecating, he feels bad for his past actions and he can't see himself as a good man anymore.

Dream says that Hob's changed, because he's seen over the centuries that Hob has changed, he's complimenting Hob by saying that he's changed.

and yet...

the minute Hob brings the conversation around to Dream, at first possibly attempting to return the compliment in saying that the Stranger has also changed. it's an assumption, because all Hob really has to go off of with the stranger is assumptions. "i think it's you that's changed". he doesn't know, how could he? Dream barely lets himself be known by Hob.

and despite this being said by Hob with a smile, despite this being a reflection of a compliment from Dream, Dream's face falls. "how so?" it's easier to see change when you're not the one changing, when you're on the outside.

Hob continues forward with his assumptions, a bit more confidently, possibly overconfident, "i think i know why we still meet here, century after century. it's not because you want to see whether or not i'm ready to seek death. i don't think i'll ever seek death. by now, you know that about me." he's slightly projecting, they've been at this for centuries so Dream must know by now that he won't seek death, right? he knows Hob better than any living person at that time, he must know this about Hob. "so, i think you're here for something else."

this corporeal form of a man has literal tears in his eyes, "what might that be?" (this is possibly the moment when Hob should have realized it was a bad idea to push it)

"friendship." i believe Hob is projecting, that he's hitting the target right on the mark, but he's projecting. maybe i've read too much fanfic or thought about this too much, but Hob is an immortal being who has to almost constantly lie about who he is to everyone, except Dream. except the man who already knows everyone, who sees the best in Hob despite what Hob has done, who drives Hob to be a better man. in 1789 it is very clear that this relationship is of great importance to Hob, the way they act, it's obvious that Hob cares and they are friends in his mind.

and there's been the idea that i've read (because i read a bit too much dreamling fanfic) that, in 1689, Hob says "i've got so much to live for" at least partially because of Dream. now it's probably a better message if he said it on his own account and not because of specifically who he was speaking to. but i've seen the idea that he said it in order to make Dream happy (because Dream is almost never happy, and the last century he supremely failed to impress Dream), i've seen the idea that part of that "so much" is Dream and their friendship. i think 1689 confirms to him that Hob doesn't need to be impressive for Dream to want his company, that Hob doesn't need to be constantly happy, he just needs a will to live (idk how he has it, personally that sounds really difficult). 1789 confirms that Dream can guide Hob into being a better person, that Dream cares for his well-being, and that the Stranger might just finally tell Hob something about himself (Dream was just about to actually give an answer--a shocking turn of events--when Lady Joanna came in and screwed it all up).

anyways, back to 1889, Hob shoots his shot and offers friendship to the only being who could possibly understand him....and then he takes it a step too far, flies too close to the sun, and says, "i think you're lonely". and honestly, i don't see Hob's reason for saying this. not in a "why the hell would you say that" type of way, but like, in my mind, he doesn't have much reason to assume the Stranger is lonely. at this point in time he actively has reason to assume otherwise. Dream mentioned how he knows all of this information about Lou, about how he worked with Lady Joanna again, Hob even gives thought to the idea that the Stranger "knows everyone". so why would Hob think he's lonely? he's projecting. no one can understand Hob's life and a similar situation is probably going on with his stranger. no one can understand except them two. immortality is isolating.

and what does Dream do with this offer of friendship from a person who he does obviously care for, he focuses on what he perceives as an insult. "you dare (call me lonely and say i need your friendship)".

Hob tries to go back on what he's said, on the boundary he's overstepped, "no, look, i'm not saying..."

but he's angered an Endless, he doesn't know it, but he has. he's basically called a huge ego'd God lonely. there's no stopping Dream from being a drama queen at the idea that HE could be in NEED of HOB'S COMPANIONSHIP.

and oh Hob, oh Hob, oh Hob. you just have to be an overconfident cocky bastard, you just have to dare.

and because Dream is incapable of being vulnerable and allowing himself to have nice things such as friendships, he's gotta prove Hob wrong. he announces his leaving.

they stand. Hob moves forward, like he's about to grab Dream's arm or something like that, ask him to stay maybe. Dream swiftly walks past him and Hob grimaces, they've fucked up the only constant in their lives. the only friendship with a being who could truly know him.

walking out dramatically into the dramatically raining night sky and Hob dramatically exclaiming, "i'll tell you what, i'll be here in 100 years' time. if you're here too it'll be because we're friends." (why are you friend zoning yourself man, you're in love) "no other reason, right" (the other reason is that you're in love with each other, why can neither of you idiots see that?)

"fuck." says the man who has just ruined his most long running friendship with the man of his dreams (i think i'm so funny).

and that's my analysis of their meeting in 1889, from Hob's perspective mainly.

#shippy shitposting #the sandman #the sandman netflix #the sandman tv #the sandman dream #the sandman headcannon #hob gadling #hob x dream #hob x morpheus #hob gadling analysis #dreamling #dreamling 1889 #dream of the endless

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something-tofightfor · 1 year ago

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The Truth Is Out There: Closure

Pairing: Marcus Pike x Female Art Conservator/Restoration Specialist FBI Agent

Word Count: 7,390

Chapter Rating: M (language, talk of drug use, mentions of sex)

Series Warnings: Sex Pollen (with a twist), no use of Y/N, female reader insert, Reader works for the FBI in art restoration/conservation and has a nickname that is used often by Marcus. In this house we cannot stand Teresa and Jane and that is reflected in this story.

Summary: The morning after brings new challenges for you and Marcus, but you’re both surprisingly prepared.

Author’s Note: This is the end. and I hope it’s satisfying for you. Thank you all for reading and for following along and for leaving me so many fantastic comments and reblogs. I’m going to start going through and replying tomorrow, so please don’t think I’ve been ignoring you.

Thank you for letting me take some time off from regularly scheduled projects to crank this one out. I had a BLAST writing it.

I might come back to these two at a later date - who knows. We’ll see. I appreciate every single one of you that encouraged and supported this story from beginning to end. You are incredible.

Masterlist / Unrequited / One Breath / The Truth / This Is Not Happening / Three Words / Soft Light / Sleepless

He opened his eyes well before you did the next morning, Marcus careful not to jostle the mattress too much as he came to. Did yesterday really happen? Taking a breath, he turned his head to the side, catching a glimpse of your profile in the thin beam of light shining through the closed curtains. It did.

Marcus used every ounce of self control not to reach for you. Instead, he closed his eyes again, a contented smile spreading across his face. It finally did.

Keeping you at arm’s length for a year had been the most difficult thing he’d ever done. The fact that everything had come to a head in one unforgettable night wasn’t something he fully understood, but he knew he couldn’t question it.

Not when that single night had given him exactly what he’d wanted - and what you’d wanted - in only a few hours. Marcus rolled toward you, extending his arm and slipping it over your body. Part of him hoped you’d stay asleep. Another part of him wanted you to wake up just so that he could watch your features come alive as you also realized that the previous day had been something that you’d actually experienced. It wasn’t just something that we imagined.

You stayed asleep though, your quiet breathing steady. It only took him a few seconds to move even closer, the tips of his fingers dragging up and over the center of your back with just enough contact that he could feel the heat from your skin. We’re going to have to get up, but it can wait. Marcus closed his eyes again, exhaling - and he let his mind wander.

It had started as soon as he’d landed in DC, getting settled in his new position and used to his new team. He’d met you after only a few days on the East coast, and despite the fact that he’d still been waiting on Teresa’s answer to his questions, he’d been drawn to you.

It was a physical attraction, sure. Just because he was with Teresa didn’t mean that he was ignorant of what was happening around him. But it was also the way that you’d been so confident in your position, greeting him with an air of professional interest and telling him you’d heard of him - that you were excited to work with him. It was the way you were friendly but not overly so, understanding of the fact that he had a woman in Texas that would be moving to be with him as soon as she could.

You kept your distance, though you never shied away from being his friend or striking up a conversation. And he’d appreciated the way your eyes flashed when he told you what had happened with Teresa and Jane, your sympathy genuine but not at all the same kind of pity that so many others were unable to hide.

“I’m sorry to hear that. I guess that means you’re going to need an actual friend out here, hmm?” You shrugged your shoulders, cocking your head to the side. “DC’s a lot busier than Texas, Agent Pike. Plenty of people here that might try and steer you in the wrong direction if you let ‘em.”

He paused, putting a hand on his hip and eyeing you. “You’re going to point me in the right one, then? Toward all the good people?” It was easy to talk to you and even easier to joke with you, and after a couple weeks of silently moping in his half-unpacked condo, it felt good to relax, even just a little. “How do I know you’re not one of the ones that are going to -”

“You don’t.” You leaned back in your chair, holding out both hands and shrugging. “Guess that’s just something you’re going to have to find out for yourself.”

The friendship had bloomed quickly, you and Marcus eating lunch together a few days a week when your caseload allowed it. You went out together with the rest of your team, the two of you teaming up on trivia nights and getting to know each other in the safety of additional company. It was enough for Marcus - the man not wanting to jump into yet another ill-timed infatuation with someone that had sparked his interest. It was especially true since he couldn’t get Teresa and the way she’d treated him out of his mind.

And then, after another month and a half - and his return from Texas without having any sort of meaningful conversation with Teresa - you’d started trading text messages back and forth outside of office hours, sending him restaurant recommendations and updating him on the shows you were watching that you thought he might enjoy. The texts turned into hours spent together binging those TV shows and movies, your friendship growing stronger by the day and naturally evolving faster than he’d been prepared for.

It had been Marcus that invited you to dinner alone for the first time, and Marcus that started the actual flirting. It was Marcus that had taken your hand and squeezed it while you walked through the Constitution Gardens.

But it was you that laced your fingers with his, you that leaned your head against his shoulder as the two of you watched TV on your couch. And it was you that kissed him for the first time - the press of your lips against his cheek a chaste thing, despite the look in your eyes when you pulled away.. That kiss had come after he’d given you your nickname - a half-assed explanation that sounded much better in his head sounding hollow as he spoke it.

He old you one of the reasons for your nickname, but he hadn’t been able to tell you the entire truth.

He hadn’t been able or ready to admit that he didn’t only call you Scully because of the way you were with him at work, but because if there was one thing Marcus understood, it was thinly concealed desire and feeling things that you couldn’t explain. And those were two things that it was getting harder for him to ignore the more time he spent around you.

You’d never pushed him for more, and he appreciated that. He was content to be your friend and only your friend because it meant that nothing would change between you and leave him more alone than the failed relationship with Teresa had. It was selfish and he knew it, but the thought of losing you - or even pushing you away when you realized just how much Lisbon and Jane still affected him - was something he refused to consider.

That lasted until one day you’d been in a terrible mood at work.

After a few hours of coaxing, he finally got the explanation that a date had gone terribly the night before. Hearing the disappointment in your voice yet again led him to throwing his hands in the air and telling you that if you wanted to go on a real date, he was right there.

Waiting for you answer in the silence of your office had been nerve wracking, but you’d agreed much faster than he’d anticipated. That simple yes set an almost perfect few weeks - including a series of dates that weren’t much different from what you had been doing previously in terms of where you went and how you spoke to each other - into motion.

Those dates, though, had been accompanied with more touching, tentative hugs and timid pecks on the cheek that turned into deeper kisses and bodies pressed together. But each of those nights ended with Marcus feeling guilty that there was a part of him that felt the Teresa situation was unresolved - that he still wanted to talk to her and say his piece.

And that guilt grew the closer you and Marcus got to actual intimacy. He found it harder to concentrate on you and your time together when she was nagging at the back of his mind. It all came to a head when the two of you had ended up on his couch, Marcus atop you, balanced on one knee and his other foot flat on the floor.

It was too much, and even though it was happening at a much more reasonable pace than with Teresa, he knew you deserved more than what he was giving you. So he’d put a stop to it, explaining everything as best as he could without giving everything away.

He’d expected you to end the friendship then and there, your frustration with his continued focus on Teresa ruining what the two of you had built. But you didn’t. And to your credit, you never purposely let him know how much it hurt to step so far back that the two of you left real space between each other on the couch again, or that you didn’t take each other’s hands as you walked down sidewalks or send each other the same types of texts that you’d grown accustomed to.

There was distance but it was never outright cold between you. As things settled back into a semblance of what they’d been, Marcus resigned himself to watching you date again. He even went so far as to ask you about each one, though he had to choke the words out every time.

You did the same with him when he started casually seeing women in an attempt to get back out there. But he saw the hurt in your eyes and heard it in your voice when you replied to his stories or asked follow up questions. She doesn’t want the answers but she’s still curious.

He’d done a much better job at hiding his emotions than you had. On the inside, he was suffering.

And the more he thought about it, the more he realized that it wasn’t Teresa or lingering feelings that were keeping you apart. It was only him, and his fear of losing something else he cared about because he’d failed. He still wanted to officially close the Teresa chapter to his own satisfaction before anything happened between you, though.

So when the opportunity presented itself, he jumped.

He’d told you that it was happening because above all else, Marcus wanted to be honest. He wanted you to know that he was trying, and needed you to understand that he was trying to move forward. But he didn’t anticipate just how much knowing that he would be seeing Teresa would bother you. And as he sat at home on Sunday thinking about it, he knew that he’d fucked up big time by bringing it up the way he had.

As soon as he’d seen Teresa, the woman stepping out of the hotel she’d asked him to pick her up from, Marcus knew that the decision he’d made was the right one. He felt nothing but contempt for her - no tug on his heart, no butterflies in his stomach, no heat rising in his cheeks. The whole time they’d been at lunch, catching up without actually talking in depth about anything, his mind had been on you. So when he saw that there was a missed voicemail with your name attached, he hadn’t been able to listen to it soon enough.

And when he’d heard your voice - and the barely concealed terror in it, though you’d tried to stay calm - throwing cash onto the table and sprinting toward his car had been the only logical response.

“M…Marcus? You’re breathing hard. Are you alright?” Sucking in a breath, he refocused his attention, finding that you were already awake and studying him. Shit, I missed it. “You trying to figure out how you can get out of bed without -”

“Absolutely not.” With the hand on your back pressed against your skin, he raised a brow. “I’m just thinking, I guess. About -”

“About how it’s like none of yesterday was real?” You frowned, head turning toward the pillow as you yawned. “About how aside from being sore and tired, I feel absolutely fine, and not at all like ten hours ago, when it felt like if you weren’t inside me, I was going to lose it?”

“Y… yes?” He laughed at how serious you sounded, leaning closer to settle his forehead against yours. “All of that?” The room was quiet again, the only sound the soft rustle of the blankets as you stretched your legs. “You were going to lose it? Is that really -”

“Shut up, Marcus, and kiss me good morning already. I know you want to.” You moved even as you spoke, repositioning yourself without lifting your head so that you could press your lips against his. He kissed you in return, both eyes slipping closed before his hand slid even further up your back, urging you closer. You parted your lips at the first sign of his tongue, and as the kiss deepend, Marcus’ instincts took over.

Marcus leaned in, your body twisting so that you were on your back, some of his weight shifting to settle atop you. To his surprise, you gasped and then nipped hard at his lip, the man jolting away from you and frowning. What the - “Absolutely not, Agent Pike. My body needs at least a few days to recover from that marathon last night, and -”

He laughed first, the sound ringing through the room, and seconds later, you joined him, his body slumping against yours again as he lowered his head to kiss you quickly. “That’s not where this was headed, Scully. I swear. It -”

The ringing of the phone interrupted him, both of you freezing at the sound. There’s only a handful of people that know we’re here, so … “Looks like it’s time for our debrief, hmm?” You shoved him away, groaning. “Do you think they’ll let us shower before we’re expected back in the office?”

—

Two hours later, he was in one of the briefing rooms, waiting.

After your showers - separate and not nearly long enough for his liking - you’d headed back to the J. Edgar Hoover building, the same three DEA agents and your boss waiting to greet you. You’d been separated almost immediately, Deanna and an FBI agent pulling you down one hallway and Scott and Cavanaugh leading him in another.

He’d gone through a repeat of the previous day’s testing, answering questions about how he felt and what had happened in the hotel room while under the influence while he was poked and prodded by a nurse. Marcus answered everything, doing his best to give straightforward and simple answers. He hadn’t wanted to reveal anything but facts because it didn’t feel right to talk in detail about what had happened without you present.

And once the initial questions and examinations were over, the secondary ones began.

Those felt much more routine, and even though Marcus was more than certain he didn’t need to take precautions when it came to anything getting shared between you, he let the nurse perform her duties. The woman took even more samples and offered treatment in the form of preventative medication, though she was clinical about it - putting Marcus at ease..

The last thing that happened before he was escorted to the conference room was a mandatory hydration IV. Marcus planned on using the down time to think through everything, preparing himself for what came next. Instead, he dozed off in the chair as the liquid flowed from the hanging bag and into his arm, cheek resting on the palm of his right hand.

Scott had assured him that you’d be joining him as soon as you finished your own examinations before excusing himself to confer with the DEA. But in the ten minutes Marcus was alone and waiting, the silence seemed to stretch on and on. I hope she’s alright. I hope -

“Brought you breakfast.” He heard your voice when the door opened, Marcus’ head whipping toward the sound. “I made them go and get us something that wasn’t from the cafeteria.” You had a bag over one arm and a cardboard drink carrier in the other - two cups of coffee nestled inside. “Banana chocolate chip pancakes with cinnamon and extra butter and syrup for you, and -”

My favorite. “Did you make them go to Ted’s?” Marcus reached for the containers, his eyes locked on the bandage on your inner arm, though he was smiling. She had an IV too. “Because -”

“I did.” You slid into the seat next to his, turning to stare at the man. “It’s the least they could do for us, right? I swear I’ve never been poked and prodded so much before.” Tapping on the lid of one coffee cup, you raised a brow. “This one’s yours. Not sure caffeine is the right call after an IV to rehydrate us, but … fuck it, right?”

He grinned and reached for the cup, bringing it to his lips and taking a small sip. “Shit, Scully, how’d you have time to think of doing this? It was go-go-go for me, up until the IV.”

“Same here.” You wet your lips, picking up a piece of toast. “But as soon as they told me I had 40 minutes to sit, I brought up the fact that you and I hadn’t really had a chance to eat since yesterday afternoon. I think Deanna’s assistant is afraid of me, because that girl ran out of the room almost as fast as I gave her our order.” Afraid of you? Hmm.

“Thank you for thinking of me.” He bit into the pancakes, barely holding back a quiet moan of satisfaction. “And thank you for thinking of Ted’s, because this is perfect.”

“You uh…” Clearing your throat, you lowered your chin and took a deep breath before meeting his eyes again. “You said once while we were out with the team that after a night of good sex, there was nothing like pancakes to set the tone for the next day.” Holy shit, she remembered that? That was just while we were all hanging out and having some beers. I didn’t even know she heard me. “I guess I just sort of assumed that last night was good, and -”

“Hey.” He set his fork down and reached for you, settling one hand on your forearm. “You assumed right.” Marcus squeezed, saying your name. “Very right. And I know that we didn’t really get to talk earlier, but after we get out of here, maybe we could -”

The sound of the door opening drew his attention away from you, and the sound of your sharp inhale was paired with the drop of his stomach as a third person stepped in. No fucking way. “Scott told me to come in here and wait. I’m here for the debrief.”

“Why?” He frowned as he spoke, leaving his hand in place on your arm. “Why are you -”

Teresa’s eyes moved between both of you, one corner of her mouth twitching at the placement of his fingers. “Because I heard a lot of what happened in the hallway, and they’re covering their bases, Marcus. You know how these things go. Better to be safe than sorry and let me know what I’m allowed to say.”

You were quiet, but he felt the way your muscles tensed, your back going straight. Of course this is … shit. He gave you another squeeze and then let go, returning to his food. There was a tension in the room that was almost as palpable as it had been the day before when there was glass between you and Teresa, and as he chewed through his meal, Marcus looked everywhere but at the dark haired woman across the table from where you sat.

“Well this is awkward.” You pushed your to-go container away a few minutes later, crossing your arms and leaning back. “I don’t think we’ve actually been introduced, Teresa.” Marcus watched helplessly as you shifted on your chair and then leaned forward, arching a brow. “But Marcus has told me so much about you I feel like I know all of the most important things.”

He didn’t know what you were doing - or what you hoped to accomplish - by making conversation with the other woman. He knew where you stood when it came to your feelings about Teresa, and actually had a better idea than he had only hours earlier. But that doesn’t mean that I want her to be a part of this, or have her feel like she - “Marcus does like to talk.” Teresa was eyeing you, lips set into a smirk. “But he didn’t say anything about you yesterday.”

It cut through him - but the woman was right, even though he hadn’t kept you from her for the reasons Teresa was implying. Fuck. Fuck, she’s going to ruin it again. And after last night if that happens, I’ll…. I don’t know what I’ll do. He sipped his coffee again, coughing quietly when you spoke up. “Nah, I imagine he wouldn’t have. We got into a fight over the weekend, so we weren’t actually talking yesterday morning.”

“Didn’t seem like that yesterday. He got your voicemail and we came right over.” She frowned, looking between the two of you. Marcus opened his mouth to reply but you beat him to it, the man watching as you lifted your coffee and took a long sip.

“It’s complicated.” You set the cup down, one fingertip tracing over the lid’s edge. “But you’d know a lot about that, wouldn’t you?” You were toeing the line - and he would have been lying if he tried to say it didn’t turn him on to watch the razor thin patience you had for the woman play out in real time.

It wasn’t all on Teresa - and he knew that you knew it, but he wasn’t going to intervene after so many months of you suffering quietly from a distance. I want to see where this goes. “Look.” She sighed, head shaking back and forth a few times. “I tried to call you a few times last night. I know we didn’t leave things in the best place yesterday, Marcus. I’m sure you were stressed because of whatever was in that room, so…” She trailed off, chewing on her lower lip. “So maybe after the debrief, we can go somewhere and talk? Finish the conversation we were having about -”

“No.” He flattened both hands on the tabletop, scoffing. “Teresa, I was stressed yesterday but that doesn’t mean I didn’t mean what I said. In fact…” He risked a glance over at you, the tiny smile on your face knowing. “It was more true than you realize. I think after this -” he gestured to the room, finally looking at Teresa. “I don’t think we’ll need to say anything else to each other again.”

The words affected her - he’d give her that. He could see the hurt in her eyes, watched as her lips parted in surprise and she recoiled slightly in her chair. But I don’t feel… I don’t feel bad. At all. “Can we do this alone, please? Not with someone else in the -”

“Oh, just feel free to pretend like I’m not even here.” You laughed, waving one hand in the air. “It’s what I’m going to do about you as soon as Scott and Cavanaugh come in and we start this.” He barely contained his laughter, Marcus’ chest going tight at the easy way you were responding to the woman - like you had nothing to lose. I guess she doesn’t. It doesn’t matter what Teresa thinks of her, and she knows that I …

“Well that’s rude.” Teresa’s eyes narrowed. “Marcus and I are -”

The opening door startled all three of you, and as your SSA and Scott stepped into the room, you went quiet. Good, let’s get this over with. “Good morning, you two.” Cavanaugh dropped into a seat at one end of the table, folding his hands together. “Feeling alright?”

Marcus wondered what the other man knew, and when he caught his eye, the glint of amusement there told him that Cavanaugh was well aware of what the drug’s properties were. Great. “Yeah. Tired, but yeah. Feels kind of like a hangover but without the headache?”

“It does.” You agreed, reaching for your coffee. “We fell asleep early last night, too - and didn’t wake up until this morning. You’d think we’d be well rested.” Spinning your cup in a slow circle, you bit your lower lip. “How long will this last, Scott? Deanna said you’d give us all the details.”

“Feeling tired is normal.” Scott nodded, sliding folders across the table to you, Marcus and Teresa before he and Scott opened the remaining two. “Even if you do nothing to alleviate the symptoms of ingestion, people have said that they were tired after taking it, just because their bodies were in hyperdrive for so many hours.”

“Symptoms of ingestion?” Teresa wet her lips. “What -”

“Agents, before we start, I wanted to let you know that you’re off for the rest of the week.” Cavanaugh said your names, one hand slicing through the air. “And that means until Monday. Fully paid, since this isn’t a punishment, it’s just to make sure that any lingering effects aren’t going to keep you from doing your jobs.” Because they think we might just jump each other in the field?

He opened his mouth to argue, but Marcus realized that he didn’t want to. If we’re both off, then that means … You turned your head slowly toward him, a smile on your lips. That means we can spend more time together. “Got it, boss.” You nodded at Marcus before returning your attention to the other man, one finger tapping on the unopened envelope. “Do we get to keep these?”

“Unfortunately, no.” Scott spoke, sighing. “The existence of this is being kept classified for right now. We can’t keep it off the streets entirely, but keeping people from knowing about it is important. As both of you know, the effects are powerful. And even though it takes some time to kick in, they linger.” He was nodding as Scott continued, one hand rising to rub at the back of his neck. They do. “The information will be available for you to access on an encrypted network, but the actual paperwork we need to keep, we just wanted you to have something to look at today if you wanted to.”

“Ok, but what does it do? All I saw was the two of them getting irritable. It didn’t seem … that bad. Is it dangerous?” Teresa was looking between the DEA agent and the papers, frowning. “Lapis? What does that even mean?”

“Might want to use layman’s terms, Scott.” You took a deep breath. “Skip the scientific bullshit and just get to the truth. Make it a little easier for everyone to understand.”

“What is said in this room is classified information, first and foremost.” Scott looked around the table, making eye contact with each of you. “Agents, you’ve given us separate reports, and have already covered a lot, but there are some things that I’ll need to ask before you go, just to tie up loose ends.” Sure. Understandable. He swallowed hard, taking a deep breath. “Ms. Lisbon, th-”

“She’s married. Her last name is Jane.” Marcus barely held back a snort of laughter at your interjection, watching as you pointed. “See? Ring on her finger.” You were antagonizing the woman, and Marcus couldn’t say he was surprised. She’s not normally like this. I wonder … I wonder why now.

“My apologies. Mrs. Jane.” Scott pressed his lips together. “The drug that was concealed in the paintings is a new variation of a recreational drug that is used in a variety of ways. As best as we know, it was developed to be a tool for less… intensive interrogation.” Interrogation? He snuck a look at you, taking in the confused expression you wore. “There are two components to it that interact, and one of them is… the easiest way to describe it is a truth serum. But it’s a little more complicated than that, because it doesn’t exactly force the truth, it just lowers your capacity to reason and results in … well, not holding back.”

“So basically, you say the first thing that comes to mind.” He nodded, Teresa eyeing Marcus before turning her attention to you. “Yeah, that definitely happened.”

“It did.” Scott laughed, pointing at you. “And since you inhaled smaller doses for longer before Marcus entered the room, that part was something that we saw while you were still in there together.” You nodded twice, though you stayed quiet. He risked a glance at Teresa and saw that the woman’s attention was still focused on you, her brows knit. She has no idea where this is going. “The other component of Lapis is a drug that increases sex drive and raises the body’s level of arousal to the point where it becomes almost impossible to ignore. However, from what we’ve learned and observed, the impact is more potent toward someone there’s already a connection with.”

He heard her gasp, Marcus watching as Teresa lifted a hand to cover her mouth. He expected her to turn her attention to him, but instead the woman still stared at you, the look in her eyes hard. Why is she angry? It’s not like this was planned. “We talked about it last night, Scott.” You reached over, touching Marcus’ hand. “And we’re both curious about why this combination is … what’s the point of mixing those two things together?”

“Think about it.” Cavanaugh leaned forward, both palms flat on the table. “People already tend to be a little more uninhibited and honest during sex, especially with people they’re involved with. But what if that was magnified? What if that honesty lasted?” Marcus’ frown deepened, the man shifting in his chair. We were honest between the sex, too. And before … and … after. So -

“Oh, shit.” You stood, pushing away from the table and crossing your arms. “People might not even realize that they’ve been drugged. And if they do, they’ll just think someone … I don’t know, roofied them or something. Marcus and I were just talking without thinking before we spoke, and it felt normal up until we got into the room … oh, shit.”

“So this is how criminals get people to talk. It’s how they’ll be able to find out secrets and what people are hiding, or what they really think.” He scoffed. “Slip someone the powder, or -”

“We’ve actually seen it in pill form, too. It’s the same color blue, and that’s how we knew what it was.” Scott held up a hand. “But both of you are right. Taking it, you’re not in any real physical danger from the drug itself. Yeah, it’ll make things … interesting for a while, but you both said that by the time you’d exhausted yourselves, you were able to go to sleep. You were in control of yourselves the whole time, you just couldn’t stop with the honesty.” Or the sex.

“So you’re telling me…” Teresa began, her tone full of disbelief. “That the FBI put the two of you up in a thousand dollar a night hotel room just so that you could have hours of sex?” She rolled her eyes. “You said that you were fighting yesterday morning, and the two of you aren’t even together. Is that a joke?”

“No, Teresa, it’s not.” Marcus leaned forward. “What was the alternative? Letting us go home? Telling us to get into our cars and drive somewhere? Having us spend the night in the clean room, with a wall of glass windows and fifteen cameras?” He pointed at the door, the anger rising in his chest. “We were drugged on FBI property, and putting us up in that hotel was the best way that they could keep an eye on us and make sure -”

“So they watched you? Did they film it?” She smiled, but there was no joy in it, the woman closing her eyes briefly. “Was there someone in the room with you to make sure you were alright?”

“No. But I’m sure they were somewhere in the building.” You sounded calm and when Marcus looked over at you, he saw that you had a hand on your hip, the other arm hanging loosely at your side. “Right? If we’d needed you for anything, all we had to do was call.”

“Exactly.” He took a breath. “There was no reason to stay with you. You’re both adults, and you understood the risks of staying in the same suite while under the influence. But if either of you had reacted badly to the Lapis, we would have been there in minutes to get you to a hospital.” He tapped his fingers on the table. “Long story short, the two of you are part of a very small group of people that have been exposed to this drug - that we know of. Your reaction to it is in line with what others that we’ve encountered have experienced, though certain responses were … heightened. And getting to observe you in the beginning stages of effect and to interview you again today has helped. So has having such a large quantity remaining to study.” Good. At least something worthwhile for them came out of this.

“And me?” Teresa tilted her head to the side. “What does me knowing this do?”

“Mrs. Jane, to be honest, if you hadn’t been in that hallway last night, you wouldn’t need to be here today.” Cavanaugh sighed. “We brought you in here so that you understood what you’d seen, and could give you a chance to ask questions if you had them.” He paused, fingers moving restlessly over the folder on the table. “You weren’t impacted by the drug itself. You didn’t experience what these two did, and when you leave here today, your life won’t be changed in any way.” That’s not quite true. “We take care of our Agents, as you should know, and we wanted to be sure that they had the support they needed. The hotel was close, so it made much more sense than keeping them here or sending them home.”

He didn’t know why they were explaining things in such detail to the woman. Teresa had already gotten much more of an update than Marcus would have given her, but as the silence stretched, he realized that he didn’t care. “Do you need her in here anymore?” Marcus gestured toward the woman, shaking his head. “Because you said that you had more questions for us, and I’m assuming it’s based on what happened in the room.” He took a breath, wetting his lips. “I’d rather she not be here for any of that.”

“But -” Teresa flipped open the envelope, averting her eyes to scan the pages. “You haven’t explained anything. It’s a truth serum sex drug, so …” She flipped through them, looking up at Scott. “What if only one person takes it? How would they react to being around someone else that didn’t?”

“Well we can’t answer that, Teresa, because both Marcus and I got dosed.” You sighed, lowering your head. “All we know is what happens when two people take it.”

“You sure that truth part wore off? Marcus seems normal, but you’re being extremely -”

“I don’t need a truth serum to be honest with you, Teresa. I’ll do it just because I don’t like you..” Leaning forward, you propped your chin on one hand. Ok, seeing her like this is … damn. He wanted to kiss you - wanted to grab you and pull you back into his lap and wrap his arms around you, and three other people - including his ex - being two feet away didn’t change that. “And you and Marcus aren’t anything anymore, especially since he just made it pretty clear that after today, he doesn’t -”

“The data will be available to you on a closed network, Mrs. Jane. We’ve told you the basics of what we do know, but like with any new drug or substance that we’re made aware of, it’s going to take time to learn everything about it.” Cavanaugh stood, interrupting the two of you and crossing his arms. “But I agree with Marcus. I don’t think you need to be in here for the last of their debriefing, so if you want to come with me, we’ll let them finish.” No, wait.

“Wait a second.” He took a deep breath, eyes locked on his former fiancee’s. “Can I have a few minutes with Teresa before she goes?” Marcus’ heart was pounding, but he’d never been more certain of anything in his life. “I’m sorry to be a pain in the ass, and I’m sure you’re on a schedule, but -”

“Of course. We can go into the hall and let you have the room.” He looked away from his ex and at you, not knowing what to expect. But you looked hopeful, the set of your shoulders straight. And without thinking, he reached a hand out.

“Marcus?” You blinked, stepping forward and taking it. “Are -”

“I meant it.” He didn’t look away. “All of it. I just need… to do this.”

“Of course.” You squeezed his hand as you leaned down, kissing his cheek. “I meant it too.” When you straightened up and let go, you grabbed for your folder before following the other two men from the room.

After the door closed behind you, leaving him sitting across the table from the second woman he’d thought he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, Marcus reached for his almost empty cup of coffee. “What do you want to say to me, Teresa?”

She pushed away from the table, gripping the edge and then glancing up. “I thought … I thought that coming here, we’d talk about what happened. I thought that we’d have time to really… catch up.” Catch up? That’s what you thought? “But now it seems like you just want to get rid of me to get back to -” She pointed at the doorway. “Her.”

“You mean get back to my life?” He laughed, running a hand through his hair and then over his jaw, fingers catching on the stubble there. “Teresa, a couple years ago, I thought you were going to be my life.” He knew that once he started speaking, he wouldn’t be able to stop. Say what you need to say, but don’t … don’t go overboard. “I couldn’t wait to get here with you and start that. Start … fresh. But because of what you did? Because of how badly it fucked me up? I couldn’t do any of it.”

“I didn’t -” She scoffed, crossing her arms and rolling her eyes. “The way you reacted wasn’t my fault. I thought you’d understand.” Yeah, you thought.

“The way I reacted was my fault, and I know that. But the way you treated me? The way you left me for another man ten minutes after accepting my proposal and agreeing to move out here with me? The way you didn’t even try to explain?” He slammed his coffee cup onto the table, the top coming dislodged and sliding slightly askew. “You really think that calling and saying “Hey, Marcus, I’m not coming. This case made me realize a lot of things. I hope … I hope you don’t hate me” was the right thing to do? I figured it was Jane, but had to hear about it from Fischer.”

“It was hard, Marcus. It wasn’t that I didn’t care about you, I just couldn’t …”

“Then you shouldn’t have agreed. You shouldn’t have led me on. Dating is one thing, and I understand keeping things casual, but the commitment? I was an idiot for letting it happen the way it did, and an even bigger idiot for thinking that I could actually compare to him in the long run.” Marcus wet his lips, finally looking away and toward the room’s windows, which were completely covered by closed blinds. “I shouldn’t have had to compare, and I know that now. But it took me way too long to get to that point.” He pointed at where you’d been sitting, head shaking back and forth. “Yeah, Teresa. I want to get back to her. I want to make up for all the lost time I spent not letting myself believe that I could actually have what I wanted.”

He took a breath, thinking. There was more he could have said - letting the anger he’d felt for so many months seep into his voice entirely, or raising his voice like his father had done so many times with his mother. But that won’t help. It never does. “I won’t apologize for something that I… that I don’t regret.”

“I know.” He smiled. “I stopped expecting an apology a long time ago. All I wanted from this was for you to let me explain. I needed to know that you understand that this is it. We’re not friends. We’re not anything, not anymore.” He settled back in the chair, rolling out his shoulders. “Not that you care, but … I’m actually kind of glad the Lapis happened. It was the push I needed.”

“With me?”

“No, not with you. With her.” Not everything is about you. “But I don’t need to tell you this, I need to tell Scully, so…” Say goodbye. “So if you’ve got nothing to say, then I’m good, because the sooner we finish this debriefing and I get out of here, the better.”

He wondered if she’d say anything - wondered if the woman would respond to what he’d laid out. But the look in her eyes didn’t change, and when Teresa stood, reaching for her bag, Marcus knew that it didn’t really matter. It never did. It never should have. She fidgeted for a few seconds, the woman’s frown deepening and her jaw working like she wanted to say something.

But she didn’t, letting out a breath and then turning toward the door. Teresa paused with her hand on the doorknob, turning to look back at him. “I have a daughter, Marcus. Patrick and I, we…” He felt nothing at the admission, though he thought back to his last conversation with the other man - when he’d asked what Patrick was offering Teresa in the future. Good for you. “I could never regret her.”

“I wouldn’t want you to. Congratulations.” He fell silent, watching as Teresa bit her lip and curled her fingers into a loose fist before relaxing it.

“I… goodbye, Marcus.” She opened the door and then walked through it, pulling it shut behind her. Once he was alone in the empty room, he let this breath out in a rush, covering his face with both hands. The only thing he felt was relief, a weight finally lifted off of his shoulders. It’s done. It’s over.

A knock at the door startled him, Marcus’ head shooting up as you peeked your head in, a soft smile on your lips. Let’s start over. “Marcus?”

“Sorry, nobody in here but the FBI’s most unwanted.” He kept a straight face but you didn’t, the smile turning into a grin as you stepped fully into the room, making your way over to where he sat.

“Unwanted? What do I have to do to change your mind about that?” Stopping as you reached him, you took a shallow breath. “You alright?”

“I’m great.” Tilting his chin up, he nodded, . “I’ve been waiting for that for a long time.” You murmured the word good back at him and then settled back into the chair you’d vacated, angling it to face him. “But I’ve also been waiting for this.”

“For what?” Narrowing your eyes, you bit your lip. “A -”

“Will you have dinner with me tonight?” Scooting closer, he reached for your hand, letting his fingers trail over your knuckles. “I’ve got some unexpected time off of work, so we can make it a late one…”

“Yeah.” The smile was back, your eyes lighting up as you leaned in, your lips pressing against his for a split second. “Yeah, I’d like that. A lot.”

—

Thank you again for reading. Tag list reblog coming soon.

#marcus pike #marcus pike x reader #marcus pike x female reader #pedro pascal #pedro pascal character #the mentalist #the mentalist fic #marcus pike fic #marcus pike masterlist #the truth is out there #ttiot #the truth is out there masterlist #ttiot masterlist #masterlist #writing #pedro pascal masterlist

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