#i cannot let this get to me this badly
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all day long my brain has been making up stressful shit in an attempt to make me spiral and upset, and I've done nothing but try to keep busy so I don't listen to it and don't fall for it
I'm so fucking exhausted now bc I spent the whole day playing two youtube videos in tandem while working while being on my phone while texting people while eating while drinking things
I just tried to calm down because all of this was overstimulating as fuck and the second I sat down to meditate it all flowed over me and I had to stop bc otherwise I would've gotten a fully blown panic attack just from sitting down
can I PLEASE just STOP-
#i try to think of why this is happening#bc yes this week is gonna be mildly stressful. theres a bunch of stuff happening#but its literally all positive and fine#im doing good. i am living a really good life right now#i cannot let this get to me this badly#i cant even think of smut to write to distract myself#rant#life#also im sorry to the people I'm DMing i literally just need to keep busy so so badly
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thinking about the jimmy scar pearl venn diagram and absolutely just disintegrating over it
#(obligatory: as characters)#was extensively rambling to myself in discord when i realized the lifers who anguish me most narratively are those three#(out of the ones that i am familiar with anyways)#thinking about this more and getting so inconsolably sad. hey guys does the loneliness ever eat you alive#the ostracization the isolation the shame the guilt the desperate continual want & desire for genuine human connection#only to be categorically denied it at every turn#to be mocked because you cannot fly though you desperately try. and you fall each and every single time#to be so easily discarded because you will always die first. a truth so widely accepted you almost start to believe in it too#because being a ''good person'' just simply isn't how you play this game#because it's a fundamental truth of this world that you always play the role of the villain. why start acting differently now?#you were left behind and abandoned and locked up. thrown inside that tower to rot.#your hair will never be long enough to let down so you cut it all off. and when you start yelling & screaming & drawing blood because of it#it only further convinces everyone else that this was the right decision#because you're a danger. a menace. a demon. and you will only ever hurt the ones you love#Hey. Hi. Hello#Hey guys. i need jimmy to win so so so so so so badly
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your honor im just simply in love with every version of him ♡
#yes they are all baby boy!!!!!#i want to smooch this man so badly you dont understand#give him the most tender forehead kiss run my fingers through his hair and let his head on my lap so he can take a nap#i just really really love him so much#going so mad over this fucking dude how dares he enter my life just a few days ago and make everything revolve around him#i care normal amounts about him#now excuse me i need to punch my pillow and probably write something where he gets absolutely loved smooched and cared for#since i cannot do it fr myself *sigh*#trigun#trigun maximum#trigun stampede#vash stampede
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I'm gonna fucking cry right now.
Please help spread this post so other people don't make the same mistake I made.
I downloaded an app called LooksMax AI because pinterest recommended it to me (without reading the comments which IK was my fault but it was like 2 am and I was not in the best state of mind). And I stupidly uploaded a picture of myself on there (IK it's bad idek what I was thinking) and I tried to delete it because well they wanted me to pay and shit. I did not find the delete option so I contacted support (4 FUCKING TIMES) AND EACH TIME THEY JUST SENT AN AUTOMATED RESPONSE AND when I replied to the response, they did not reply back. Now my pics are not getting deleted and I feel so violated (it was only face pics but I absolutely hate my face being anywhere to the lengths that I do not allow my bsfs to post me on their insta account).
Now I don't know what to do. So please do not be stupid like me and do not download that app and most importantly DO NOT UPLOAD YOUR PICS.
#Oh I downloaded it to know what hairstyle would suit my face.#I fuckinf hate this#this is a mess#oh god#cannot even tell my parents unless I want to get scolded really fucking badly (trust me this is better than that)#oh what do I do#FUCK THOSE PEOPLE#one time I let my sleep deprived self take over and this happens#ugh#anti ai#fuck capitalism
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I am so sad this doesn’t already exist (at least that I can find) but I need a Larry Stylinson edit to Fourth of July by Fall Out Boy. I know it’s two seperate sides of the internet but I’m really hoping there’s someone else who has interest in both of these things and has the ability to make edits because I think I would sob seeing this.
“Oh why do you get so emotional over Fourth of July by fall out boy? Just say that you’ve never had a weird gay situationship and move on!”
Tumblr please I am begging you have someone find this that is able and willing to deliver!
#fourth of july#fob#larry stylinson#one direction#i need it#you don’t understand#you don’t understand how badly I need it#there is a vision and I cannot carry it out#let the boys be gay#let the boys be gay to the silly little gay song#fireworks#it was the Fourth of July#I’ll be as homest as you let me I miss your early morning company if you get me#I’m the holy water you have been without#sorry every songs about you#I’m well aware I write too many songs about you#harry styles#louis tomlinson#hazza#louis tommo#halloween 2015#i’m going insane
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from the stuff i’ve heard marc’s former honda teammates (dani jorge and pol in their media careers but joan also i guess) say about him now that they’re racing is generally quite positive, both on a professional/riding level but also seemingly on a personal level? i’m wondering what you make of that given that, yeah, marc doesn’t seem like a very good teammate (unless you’re alex who i’ve left off this list). like MARC wants to separate on and off track stuff and it seems like all of these guys are willing too at least in retrospect, so he can’t have truly burned bridges with them. do you have any thoughts on that
(x, x) most riders are quite good at not burning bridges with each other! it's not like marc's competitors don't know that this stuff is kinda part of the game. I mean, all of marc's past teammates were also trying to assert themselves within the internal hierarchy... you can say that certain teammates engage in 'worse' behaviour than others, but, like, these people do understand they're supposed to be fighting each other! a baseline degree of nastiness is factored in and will be accepted to a greater or lesser extent by your rivals - especially when it comes to asserting yourself in intra-team power struggles. you might hate the other guy in the moment, but generally speaking once the active part of the rivalry is done with... you will probably get over it. marc's fellow riders are aware of how ultra-competitive marc is - and to a certain point they do respect it, not least because they're aware that this is part of the reason why marc has ended up with all those titles. it's like dani said, right, it's marc's strong suit. and in general, you do have to say that there's relatively few teammate pairings that devolve to the level of toxicity that it completely destroys the interpersonal relationship. you might need some level of preexisting animosity... most of the purely competitive sins can be healed with a little time
on the 'separating on-track and off-track' thing... well. this is kind of a question of how you define these things, you can say that marc generally speaking isn't going to massively hold grudges over isolated on-track incidents or whatever... but he doesn't just leave his fighting to the track, and personally I've also never felt he can entirely separate these things out in his mind. can you really say his professional and private relationships with other riders are completely detached from one another? mostly, he's opted to be pretty disengaged from his fellow riders as a collective, and obviously that's a good way to not take things too personally... it's all part of the game, isn't it? sometimes it's good to go with the straightforward approach: marc tells you he will make your life hell, he does indeed make your life hell, and then you both move on with your lives and can maybe actually have a pretty amiable relationship with him in years to come. he's not really defying your expectations at any point here, is he now? it's still a question for each of them as individuals as to whether they think that kind of behaviour is above board and acceptable or not... but everyone by now knows that marc plays these games, so it's not like they're going in blind
and it's not like other former teammates are constantly badmouthing each other. I mean... look, let's just cut to the chase here and bring in valentino as our reference point (as he is for the sport as a whole, which by the way does also help create a certain baseline of acceptability for marc's antics - maybe goated riders are just supposed to be dicks who knows). vale's premier class teammates were 1) nobody (2000-01), 2) tohru ukawa (2002), 3) nicky hayden (2003; 2011-12), 4) carlos checa (2004), 5) colin edwards (2005-2007), 6) jorge lorenzo (2008-10; 2013-16), 7) maverick vinales (2017-20), 8) franco morbidelli (2021), and 9) andrea dovizioso (2021). of these eight men (let's just exclude 'nobody' for now), do you know how many had serious complaints at any point about valentino as a teammate? that's right, it's one guy. one. some of valentino's other teammates, like hayden, checa and edwards, were even quite actively positive about their whole experience. this is the thing - you do need some specific circumstances for teammate rivalries to escalate from 'being kinda bitchy every other month' to 'actively fantasising about stabbing each other'. not accounting for natural interpersonal animosity, let's list some circumstantial factors that you need to get a bridge-burning-worthy level of feud:
you need a competitive bike. it is possible to beef about development direction when you're in the trenches (cf late 2010's yamaha, 2020's honda)... but generally speaking this is going to be quite low-level petty stuff, not actual war
you also need something that approaches competitiveness between teammates. if one teammate is unquestionably stronger than the other one, then it is very unlikely that you are going to get any open hostilities. the tension comes when the two sides are close enough to each other for the internal hierarchy to actually be a contentious issue (this is also basic self preservation... if you're the far weaker teammate then you do not want to make the situation troublesome, because then you will be the one to be fired)
following on from those first two things... well, it doesn't hurt to have a title fight in the mix. there are also other ways you can generate competitive stakes, like, for instance, if you and your teammate know that one of you will be out of a job soon. basically, it helps to have something to squabble over
it is maybe easy to forget how rare it is this century for teammates to be fighting directly for a title, let alone over the course of multiple seasons. only two 1-2's since the year 2000 and they're both for the factory yamaha's (though 2006, 2011-13 and 2017 did all prominently feature two factory hondas). which means that for valentino, the prerequisites were met just the once in his premier class career... and yes, the results were pretty memorable, but (topic! for! another! post!) it's worth pointing out that even that relationship was pretty much 'fine' whenever there was a sizeable disparity between the two of them performance-wise (2008 and 2013 are the most clear cut examples). I think the way I'd frame it with marc is that he has a bunch of mildly dubious strategies up his sleeve to assert himself within the team, which don't really deviate that far from what you'd expect from a rider of marc's calibre and only need to be escalated under specific circumstances. that doesn't mean he doesn't have the potential to be ruthless, but up until now it's mostly been a fairly 'acceptable' level of ruthlessness on the intra-team level... and not something that is likely to make other riders actually hate him
taking marc's teammates one by one... dani was the closest to meeting the bridge-burning prerequisites, though he was only a title rival in marc's rookie season. and marc did go further with him than he did with anyone else, and dani has made some pointed comments about marc's style as a teammate... but yes, he is fonder of marc these days. partly I'd just emphasise again that this is a fairly natural progression when you've stopped directly competing for long enough, and partly it's also just a question of individual personality - dani's not massively into holding grudges. then there's jorge, who... I mean, they might as well not have been teammates, given that jorge was either too slow or too injured to even be sharing any track space with marc. you have to put that one down primarily to circumstance, seeing as jorge's own track record on the teammate front isn't exactly spotless. marc and jorge beefing in 2019 would have been pretty dumb and also a massive waste of everyone's time in a year in which marc singlehandedly won the team's championship. even those two needed more to get things going
moving on to the dark years, pol and marc had an extremely stop-and-start partnership on a honda that was generally pretty uncompetitive... so the only stuff they could get ever so mildly irritable about were riveting incidents like 'marc saying pol wasn't the biggest championship threat' (neither of them were) or 'pol saying he'd copy marc's set up' (which proved entirely useless). not exactly title decider territory, is it now, and marc very much had pol covered as a challenger throughout their partnership. also, those two do have a longer history! they've known each other since they were kids and hold a pretty significant place in each other's careers. now that pol's more or less retired, it's natural there'll be quite a lot of sentimentality there - which will paper over any small cracks that appeared during those two years. and joan was a one year teammate at a time in which the bike was consistently close to offing them both. they only managed to start a sunday race together as teammates on thirteen occasions. it would take some serious effort to engineer a feud with that little opportunity, and, really, why on earth would you bother. maybe if honda had gone for rinsy rather than joan for the factory seat, it could've been a bit more prickly, but it's unlikely that it would have escalated beyond that
this is the thing, right, the only one of these partnerships that would have been worth burning bridges over was dani, and even there marc pretty much had him handled after the first season. in general, marc has been pretty clear on how he's not interested in making friends with the other side of the garage while the teammate relationship is ongoing... which is fine! there's some prominent-ish teammate pairings that are actually good friends, some teammate pairings where one of them is actively helping out and advising the other one, but some riders prefer to just keep their distance. it would have been a little silly of marc to start a feud with a teammate who is galaxies away from being a competitive threat, let alone a title rival, but generally it is possible to toe the line between 'attempting to suppress your internal rivals enough to stop them from becoming a problem for you' and 'taking radical enough action to make your internal rivals despise you'
especially in the post-dani era, marc never really had any need to push things too far... and, let's face it, how many of your teammate relationships end up with burnt bridges is also quite frankly a question of luck and circumstance. do you want to guess which top rider on paper has the worst track record this century with premier class teammate feuds, in terms of a) how many they've had, and b) how little public reconciliation there has been since the end of the rivalry?
yes, that's right, it's the first name that comes to mind when you're thinking of toxic and conflict-prone riders: andrea dovizioso. that old devil, constantly causing trouble. just couldn't stop undermining his poor, innocent teammates. can somebody please stop this ruthless bully before it's too late
I think you get the point. I would personally suggest that dovi is not in fact the worst teammate it is possible to have in a motogp top team. he just happened to find himself in a situation where he was teammates with two separate guys he did not click with at all, in situations that involved a pairing of riders who were (or had the potential to be) competitive with each other, as well as some proper stakes attached to the rivalry. in general, situational factors are going to determine this stuff more than anything else... and marc more often than not does have a reasonably good feel for picking his battles. he's flirted with the line, but he's mostly avoided crossing it. he hasn't had to
#'joan also i guess' hold on now anon that's his former teammate relationship that's most important to ME i love them...#elephant in the room is 'let's revisit this in 1.5 years time'. ik people will try to make that just about the vr46 factor but *shrug*#i kinda feel like maybe i should have mentioned in the casey/marc post that casey is arguably more of an outlier than marc is#like his alienation with the sport ran deep which is how you get him engaging in melandri slander who was pee one million in 2008#y'know casey/jorge ducati was a real possibility for a hot second and my take on that would ALSO be 'hm yeah maybe not <3'#ESPECIALLY given that it's quite likely the incoming jorge would've been paid way way more than casey was ('09 ducati... let's not even)#AND given how yamaha had repeatedly burnt casey and then handed jorge the seat on a silver platter... like idk man!!#genuinely fascinating '10 counterfactual... i do like casey/marc but i've also game planned casey/vale and casey/jorge i'm a completionist#(either dani or vale would've likely won the title in that timeline. but crucially casey/jorge interpersonally would've been. well)#//#brr brr#alien tag#batsplat responds#morale tag#i need an ask tag so badly but i can't be bothered to back tag... i'll do it at some point#in my notes i did once actually rank the aliens by how much they'd suck as teammates but the order might be a wee bit controversial#i'm sorry to the guy i ranked number one but he did objectively have the worst track record like... it has to be said#i think u have like. different modes right. where how bad u are as a teammate is scaled to how big the threat ur facing is#now EYE actually think marc's not got a particularly *great* neutral mode either but it's not bridge-burning mode#also what even is a burnt bridge... i mean god knows even valentino and jorge are taking photos together these days...#jorge's still conducting autopsies of old beef every fortnight but otoh he's joking about motegi on instagram which is crazyyyyyy#you genuinely cannot. CANNOT convince me that if marc/jorge had had a title fight as teammates it wouldn't have been a MESS#there is literally no way. none whatsoever#and if i said dani had a higher number of strained premier class teammate relationships than valentino did... what then...
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speaking of beast yeast, level 4-19 go fuck yourself heres a moodboard for level 4-19 specifically literally fucking explode into bits level 4-19 we hate level 4-19 round these parts level 4-19 should be cancelled and doxxed and never live a normal life again fuck you level 4-19!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#for context on why this level sucks so much ass:#afaik level 4-19 is not possoble to beat unless you have peach blossom and/or mystic flour on your team#they reduce the effect of apathy which takes off total team health over time#the amount of health lost is *percent based* meaning regardless of team power you will take considerable dmg#the apathy effect cant be dispelled but its effects can be reduced by mystic flour and peach blossom#we happen!!! to have neither fucking one!!!#and peach blossoms soulstones are not in the milage shop!!!!!! and our chances of getting mystic flour are ass!!!!!!!#so!!!! very cool game design <3#before anyones wondering 'can you not just beat the boss before apathy wipes the team' well!!! nope!!!!#even with treasures that revive and grant invulnerability its still not possible BECAUSE the characters have to run up to the boss#and at that point apathy reduces your team hp to below half#this level is genuinely so badly made that i genuinely CANNOT continue playing beast yeast until i get flour or peach blossom#which is FUCKING INFURIATING BECAUSE I LOVE THIS STORY SO MUCH IM INSANE#AAAAAGGGGGGGHHHH IMAGE OF A WEREWOLF RIPPING ITS SHIRT OFF AAAGAGHAGGGHHHHHGHH#i was giving this part of beast yeast suck high praise too and then!! well!!! fuck!!!!!!!#FUCK level 4-19!!!!!! dogshit ass level!!!!!!#LET ME SEE PEEPAW!!!! LET ME SEE HIM AND HIS THICK ASS PLOT ARMOR!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!
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holding out hope . . . don’t act like it’s set in stone . . . it’s not . . . yet . . .
(much ranting in the tags)
#kotlc#yes this is about the POSSIBLE keefe short story collection or book or novella about his time in the forbidden cities emphasis on POSSIBLE#i can’t deal with anymore keefe content guys i can’t do it anymore there’s already too much#let me OUTTTTTTT shannon i just wanna be done with this series stop holding me hostage let me FREEEEE /hj#if it's keefe-centric and away from the main story why can’t she just release it AFTER the series is finished? like this is SOPHIE'S story#obviously with the baby and whatnot i’d be cool with her not releasing a book for another year but releasing extras IN PLACE of a REAL book#i don't understand /gen#if she has the energy to write a book why doesn't she just write the next one#it might not be that tho that's just a possibility obviously i'm just curious#in the case that this extra is going to be released in the place of book ten this year it's like well. why doesn't she just do book ten#i wish i could say 'i'm not a keefe hater but this is too much keefe content' but i am a keefe hater so#IT'S FINE IT MIGHT NOT BE THAT MAYBE WE'RE ALL SUPER WRONG AND SHANNON'S JUST HAVING A SILLY GOOFY TIME#also even if this IS a special announcement we could still get book ten news? along with the announcement? mayhaps?#manifesting book ten news along with the special announcement please shannon#sigh hoping praying manifesting anything not keefe#if it is a short story collection i cannot tell you how BADLY i want it to be the adults' backstories#like i'm rereading unlocked rn and grady edaline alden and della all have so many blank spots in their registry files???#an extra could fill those in . . . just saying . . .#also the ancients#the ancients are super interesting . . . just saying . . .#luzia's pyrokinetic friend! fallon and luzia's mom! fintan (possibly) throwing vespera in the dungeon! luzia and vespera light experiments!#fallon and the other two on the original council! bronte and fintan's relationship! fintan and luzia's relationship!#bronte working under fallon as an emissary! them going to meet the ogre king! luzia and orem's relationship! why orem doesn't like his mom!#so many possibilities . . . come on shannon . . . please . . .#give us this . . . just this . . .#throw a great gulon incident short story in there to keep the keefe stans happy and then get into the juicy stuff#begging pleading imploring shannon to hear my prayers#anyway#if we manifest no keefe content there won't be keefe content <- lying
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so why is nobody talking about the fact that the song is not only sexist but also racist? like WHAT the fuck who at hybe was stupid enough to let white men write a song and put a racist and sexist Asian stereotype in it and went "oh yeah checks out"??? it's not even a matter of saying the song is bad at this point! it's fucking awful! who the fuck thought it was a good idea genuinely i have questions. who the FUCK.
#honestly I wasn't gonna voice my opinion on the song but it's even worse that i thought#jesus fucking christ#im so angry#isn't it bad that jk is choosing to do bad white ppl music does he have to like go all the way and let the white man on it go all racist???#like what the FUCK goes on in his brain or does he so badly understand the lyrics he didn't get what ABG was about? PLEASE#honestly at this point y'all cannot defend him#not only does he put out a sexist song AGAIN but this time he adds racism too#ugh I cant fucking stand this im so pissed#3d#3d jungkook#jeon jungkook#BTS#anti big hit#Anti hybe#at this point im gonna become anti jungkook tbh he sounds more and more like another sexist bro who just doesn't give a fuck about anything#literally the only one in this band who's not disappointed me is namjoon#wooooow im so pissed I should not have given a single stream to that mess
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phil dunster is so real for getting high and then being gay on his insta story.
#phil dunster#brett goldstein#you cannot tell me this man wasn’t high out of his mind#‘good bloke good egg good guy good MAN’#‘he’s got gold in his name i don’t think that’s spoken about enough that’s the that’s that’s that’s the most best thing heheheehe’#he was just saying words but half of the words were very gay#pls sir give me access to your mind#someone let this man get fucked by brett we all know he wants it so badly
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i dont know how i can simultaneously feel like i should just die and that i have so much potential that i could be great. what does that even mean
#i so so so badly want to get better#if i continue like this i will die like straight up.#i feel so strong yet so weak at the same time#i want to just give the fuck up and yet there is something that will not let me die as if i have more potential than this#it’s like i KNOW i can be better than how i feel right now i KNOW ive got it in me#i am just so overcome with grief and stress that i cannot access tjat part of me#idk ive been crying for an hour. and i feel as if my only two options are to kill myself or to get my shit together#idk idk idk idk idk#making no sense
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Thinking about my Rook hours </3
#i did not mean to get so attached to this character so immediately#but god the scenes with harding and taash and solas have given me so much to chew on#like. first of all raised in the mournwatch as an orphan fully removed from her culture as a qunari#but also being very aware she didnt look like any of the other young mournwatch recruits and there was something Different about her#being genuinely invested in the work they do but also being so afraid to step out of line and be ousted#only for that to exactly happen the one time she pushed back against the nobility#then she's throwing herself into her new job helping varric search the realms for solas#and suddenly because of a call she made he's too weak to fight and she has solas in her head telling her how badly she fucked everything up#and she just feels so small and worthless#but no. she cant let her emotions get anyone else hurt#fuck solas. fuck him for trying to pin this on her.#as a matter of fact fuck anyone trying to undermine her while she's doing what needs to be done#she sees how harding is blaming herself for what happened and she tells her she cant blame herself#'blame me' she says secretly in her head#'im the reason you got hurt'#but she knows harding would see right through her#so she puts on a happy face for her and stays optimistic when she starts showing signs of being the first dwarf to cast magic#but deep inside rook is panicking because what if something is changing her harding? what if something is going to take her away from her?#she compensates by trying to seem as laid back as possible#and then they meet emmrich and rook is launched back into her mournwatch mindset#she stands up straighter and uses bigger fancier words to keep up with the professor#and harding calls her on it and suddenly she realizes how much shes been compartmentalizing everything#fully shifting her personality around her friends based on what she thinks they need#she realizes with horror that solas of all people has seen the most unfiltered version of her#the version that is angry and frustrated with how unfair everything is#but is also very aware that no matter what she does she will be seen as a villain in the eyes of some#simply because she cannot save everyone#and then she hangs out with taash and sees someone who also compartmentalizes to hell and seems like. okay about it#and taash doesnt need anyone to take care of them. sihu feels oddly relaxed around their no-nonsense approach to socialization#datv spoilers
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worst thing about being disabled is that now I am fully and completely aware of exactly how much I am worth to everyone I know. And it is not a lot!!
#like. it gets to me. A lot of the time it’s ohhh your life is priceless and. Well. Okay I did just see you put a price on it though.#like. It’s not always blatant but the laziness comments get to me. The stupid comments get to me. The money comments also get to me.#Either all life is precious or I am a drain on society. you cannot have both.#Why is my life worth less than twenty dollars. Better yet why are YOU gambling with MY life. wear your FUCKING masks.#like I’m usually fine bc I simply do not have the capacity for any more shit. I am existing in less dimensions than most ppl and Not Aware#And then when I am better I experience two entire years of Concentrated Cosmic Horror before I fold back down into being two dimensional#Cosmic horror? Eldritch horror? I DONT ACTUALLY KNOW. what I do know is that I straight up Do Not believe in the soul anymore bc of this!#like I’m horrified!! It is literally horrifying. If I still had all of me I could write some deeply fucked up metaphor but rn what I’ve got#Is like. okay so I’m supposed to be like. A galaxy on the inside folded into a person shape. Right#there’s stuff happening in there. three to five trains of thought at once etc. etc. and that is not what I have anymore. what I have now is#like. One planet and a white dwarf. not even a neutron star. And everything else went out so gradually that I didn’t really notice but#I woke up one morning and it’s not there and then I got into the habit of not looking up bc that’s a lot of work and I have to keep paintin#galaxies on the ash of this stupid little planet. And then I experience random bandaid treatment and Have The Knowledge again and.#I get to experience Plato’s allegory of the cave in REAL TIME and involuntarily!!#It really does suck that the only time I am able to comprehend the magnitude of my loss is when I’m not experiencing it!! bad times!!#I’m tired of being agreeable. Wear masks. Petition for air purifiers in public spaces. Or I start biting for real#if you notice I’m dealing with long covid a. BADLY. you’re right!! Gold fucking star! I challenge ANYONE to deal with The Bullshit actually#I’m not going to let myself be martyred for the fucking. Economy. Bull FUCKING shit.
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The double-edged sword of enjoying Chicago and knowing basically all the songs by heart, but also can't stop crying every time I watch/listen to any of them bcs I can't stop thinking about how covid robbed me of getting the experience of ever performing it :(
#*in the pit#its literally like the best show ever for the pit#and yet i learned all that music and got it stuck in my head for months(well years now lmao)#and for what.#for nothing.#UGHHHHHHHHH IT MAKES ME SO FUCKING SAD#WE HAD SUCH GRAND PLANS#and covid hit literally the week of the first full practice with the pit and cast combined#so ill literally never know what it would have been like to be on stage#it hurts my heart so badly#bcs i rly love the songs and know them so well but i cant enjoy them bcs i just get really sad#and not only did covid ruin that show. it also ruined any performances for the rest of highschool#bcs social distancing#so irs like. i felt such joy for 1 and half years#like got to do something i really vibed with#AND THEN IT GOT DESTROYED#i generally like the quarantine time bcs it changed me a lot as a person#but this. i cannot ever let it slide. it will haunt me for the rest of my life#bcs thw first musical i did. it was a very typical musical for pit#like wear all black. sit in the pit area. fun fun#but Chicago. the pit is literally part of the cast. its so front and center#but nope!!!! 😭😭#sorry angsting#also it will piss me off forever that in the recording of the other musical +#they cut out so many of the instrumental bits. like wow fuck us i guess!!#i remember buying the dvd and then being soooo disappointed and ive never touched it again#catie.rambling.txt
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i. hate that i cant ignore any longer how fucked up i am
#ask 2 tag idk what to tag this but its negative. idk if i’m hormonal or whatever. it’s just that i’m so extremely emotional lately#like i always havebeen but it’s insane lately and i know some of the reasons but i have no idea what to do abt it. which is bad#i wish i knew how to confront …it all. im so avoidant it is genuinely pathetic#and even if i wanted to confront anything iwouldnt know how… n how to tell ppl around me#the pains ive taken to ignore my issues over the yrs n by that i mean suppress the knowledge that they even exist Lmao it is so pathetic#let alone the pains ive taken to hide from other ppl that which im suppressing. and to hide how badly i cope with anything#like any problem at all not just things that have anything to do with The Thing#i finally told my girlfriend about something i never thought id ever say out loud to anyone n it was so hard#the whole convo was so hard bc shes dealing with so much too and shes been getting help for 3 yrs n i know#with her baggage of trauma a relationship is one of the hardest things#n ive never ever regretted our relationship but with the things we are both dealing wtih. or rather not dealing with in my case#it is so . hard.. and i feel like ive been so unfair bc i havent been getting help even tho i need it. and she has.#the sheer irony of me refusing to get help or even admit 2 myself i need it even tho im literally about to be the person who helps others#this cannot go on lmao. the only thing im sure about is that i wanna spend my life with her but with everything tht we have on our plate#its so.. unsure i feel so powerless . i cannot change the past i cant change either of our previous experiences#its so unfair how we risk losing the best thing that ever happened bc of things out of our control#ive genuinely never been more scared of anything than i am of the idea of losing this relationship#we had such a deep conversation today and it was necessary and good but god we’re fucked up people#so i .contacted the uni psych today finally but im so fucking scared and idk what to even say when i get there#ive never until today said it out loud ive never even written it down anywhere
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Friendship with my forensics classmates is over, they changed my slides and i didn’t notice till now and this is our final
#was it sooo hard to tell me#if it needed to be changed#and not just do it and not tell me#bc i liked my slides so i only checked the first one#which they didn’t change#i have 3#i hate them so badly … do they want me to fail???!!!!!!!!#they know i’m emotional recently … i have an anxiety disorder i cannot do this#i am not letting him talk on my slide idc if he changed it#he has all the other slides this one is mine#i compromised and took the hardest perspective so he could have the one he wanted#i hate him soo badly he knows particpation is part of it and he only cares if he gets a good grade
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