roguishdm1

[roguishdm1]

There is something I need to tell you about me because I feel there has been a little bit of miscommunication and I want to clear it up so bare with me.

I care about my friends a great deal. I'm very picky about the friends I make because my time is precious to me and I'm not going to spend it with people who don't share at least some of my interests or a similar sense of humor. These people I am loyal to and would do a lot for.

Now, we have been friends for a while and though we haven't been very close friends, you are still MY friend so that means I care about you and hate seeing you hurting. Especially from a situation I can relate to on a personal level.

So naturally, I want to be there for you because when I was going through my first year of divorce with the person I had given my everything to and had them rip it out from under me while they went off and replaced me in the first week, I would have given anything to have someone be able to know the agony I was in, how cheated I felt, and be sympathetic to me while just being there.

This is why I want to spend time with you, because I sympathize with you on a personal level and as my friend I care about you and want to be able to help, even if it's just by being there for you to talk to and distract you even for a little from the pain.

[roguishdm1]

Getting my feelings out.

A friend of mine is recently going through a divorce with her husband. From what I've been able to gather in our conversations is he cheated on her during probably their whole marriage, so rightfully, she's wrecked. I've known this friend for some time through D&D and I'm a very loyal friend. I am also an empathetic person by nature so, naturally, I want to beat this guy with a tire iron. I wouldn't because of their kids and my friend, but I want to make him hurt.

The reason for my sympathetic feelings is due to my own divorce with my ex wife. She moved on far too fast for something to not have happened and I feel cheated because of the efforts I went through to try and make her happy including working myself almost literally to the death. (Car accident, another story) my point being I understand what it feels like to give everything you had down to the depths of your soul for the person you loved and watch it crumble.

The pain of bearing every emotion, placing all your hopes and dreams with them and having it thrown back at you like it never mattered. Leaving you hollow and cracked. Doubt creeps into the crevices and sinks in like sludge, impossible to remove the thoughts that plague you: am I not worthy? Am I not attractive? Was there something I could have done differently? Would it have mattered if I had? The list goes on and on. I've had 2 dreadfully miserable years to contemplate all these questions and get to a place where it still hurts and I dont know yet if I can forgive my ex yet, but I'm trying to make it work for my kids.

My friend hasn't had that time. So as I look back at my 2 year hell, I remember wishing that there was anyone that could understand how I feel and could help me through, and I want to be there for her.

Then I remember all the feelings I had for her when I was just meeting her and had started dating my ex. I didn't want to bring up those feelings as I was still young and in love with my ex. I realize I don't just want to be there as a friend, but as something more.

I want to be able to show her the love and affection that her ex never really showed. I want to show her the loyalty and honesty he never gave her when he would "forget" to wear his ring. I want to show her all that I have to offer, to hold her tight and never let go.

But I hesitate because I want to be friends and dont want things to be awkward between us if she doesn't feel the same way about me. So I have to hold these feelings in check, containing them inside until I feel like I'm going to explode. I know that she needs friends right now though.

She recluses herself away from people and makes light of her pain with jokes, but I know the truth because that is exactly what I did as well. Still do. I hope against hope that she will let me in so I can hug her tight and reassure her that everything will work out because she has people in her corner that care deeply about her well-being.

Hope is all I can provide in the darkness of the despair; a little spark, hanging on itself so it doesn't drown in the dark with the hope that flames will catch and it will rage against the darkest parts of our hollow shells and cracks filled with sludge, clearing away the grime and filling the void for each other with a brightness that pales the sun and leaves others inspired and, maybe a little jealous.

So I wait. I wait and reach out a hand of friendship because I can't show her what I truly feel without risking our current status quo. The waiting will probably drive me insane if I continue to hold these thoughts in my head, so I right them here as an exercise of patience in the hopes I will be able to get to sleep tonight knowing that it will all start over when I wake and the cycle will continue until I can finally confess my feelings and pray she accepts me. Gods, I hope she accepts me.

[roguishdm1]

I wanted to make a story themed EDH deck so these are a few of the cards I came up with.

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[roguishdm1]

I gave my all in my marriage. That's just who I am. I love completely and I can't even find enjoyment unless I know my other half is also happy. I spent most of a decade only thinking about that one person and thinking that it would last until death.

So it blindsighted me when she said I wasn't making her happy. It completely threw me when just a little before Halloween this year, I was given a time limit on my marriage if I couldn't shape up my act. The act I didn't realise was not good enough. Especially considering the context.

I work really hard at jobs I hate because they pay well and when you have 2 kids, a cat and dog, and the 2 adults in the house, you need a good paying job. I spent 4 years working customer service for a bank that sucked the soul out of me and when I had a mental breakdown and just walked out one day, I knew I needed a new job. So I started working in civil engineering. The job is good, but I'm gone for pretty much the whole summer. During the off season, I collect unemployment.

When I say I love my wife, I mean the deep love. Everything I do is for her. When I go to the store, i would always bring back a little treat for her. I wake up with the kids most days to try and let her get more sleep. I admit, we don't go out very often, but I try really hard to consider her preferences before making plans. I know all of her quirks and nuisances and I always think of her first.

I know my way around the bedroom, and if she isn't enjoying it neither am I so I tried to let her get off more than myself. I have a massive sex drive, so even if I don't get off, instead of forcing myself on her when she's clearly done, I would finish in the bathroom if I had to.

I'll be honest, the depression I've been fighting most my life was bad, and for years I left it untreated. This left me emotionally unavailable for a long time. I started taking meds because of the ultimatum presented, because even through my total apathy and uncertainty about what to do with my life, I was adamant that I love my wife and would do anything to improve my marriage.

After a solid month of stepping up my game; random dates, extra attention, therapy to improve myself for her, medication for my depression.... things seemed like they were going better at first, but after a while I realized something was still wrong. I confronted her and demanded to know if she still even cared or if she had checked out.

I told her that if she was willing to try then I would continue to as well, but needed to know if it was a lost cause because I wasn't going to waste my time if so. She decided to call it.

I was broken. The woman I had pledged myself to and had given my every thought towards, is done. We decided to try and keep up a facade for the kids until after the holidays. That night she decided to stay at a friend's house to give me time to process my grief, she still cared for me as a friend. She has so many friends, guy and girl, I didn't think about it at the time.

Come to the night before thanksgiving and we're talking about events and how we feel, I had spent a few days feeling terrible but was feeling like it could be ok. We've always been open and honest with each other so talking about getting back into the single pool came up. I figured that it would be a month or 2 before either of us got anywhere in that area.

Turned out, she had already had sex with a friend of ours, twice. IT HAD BEEN 3 DAYS SINCE WE CALLED IT! She initially claimed that it was a spur of the moment event the first time, which I could have been okay with, but the second time was a choice. That choice is acknowledgment of feelings you had beforehand! The proper choice would have been to discourage advances the second time AS YOU HAD JUST SEPARATED FROM YOUR HUSBAND A FEW DAYS AGO!

This revelation drove me out of my depression over a lost love, INTO A FURY OVER A WIFE WHO HAD FEELINGS FOR ANOTHER MAN NEARLY IMMEDIATELY AFTER SEPARATING! that would mean she was feeling these emotions before and only felt okay in acting on them after calling it quits on an 8 year relationship. Safe to say, I refused to go to thanksgiving dinner with her to her parents.

I tried to put a mask over my emotions afterwards. I still have to deal with her when dealing with children. So civility is necessary. However, she soon decided that she wanted to spend more time with her new boy toy. My feelings haven't changed. I'm still royally pissed and feel betrayed. Recently, I decided that I couldn't have the kids stay with me due to the rage that is my broken soul. I would never hurt them, but I caught myself releasing my anger at their mother onto them.

Considering I had grown up with a nasty divorce between my mom and dad, I wasn't willing to put my kids through that. So they moved in with their mom. Over at boy toy's. Ive gotten really good at masking my emotions over the years, but i need to vent here. I'm honestly dumbfounded as to why she has decided to call it. I've always been faithful, I work hard, I loved deeply, I'm a good dad and caring husband, I spoiled her, the sex was more than she could handle... I honestly don't know where I went wrong.

And that is the most soul shattering, confidence crushing, trust breaking thing I've ever had to deal with. I've been looking at getting back into the single pool again, but I'm not sure how I'll bring myself to ever trust like I had, ever again.