#im constantly worried theres something wrong with me

[nururu]

the amount of times I've been (rudely) made fun of for using 3in1 makes me so mad every time I think about it.... bc like........ predatory capitalism will get you around every corner. I can't just be myself and be happy about it. tv, books, ads, family, friends, etc. everywhere you go. everyone's been brainwashed into thinking buying stuff and doing what rich ppl say makes you better. like idk I'm sorry but I TRULY do not care about materialism or looks. attractiveness to me, comes from confidence and a kind personality. it has nothing to do with how anyone looks, or what they buy and have. doing stuff to make YOURSELF happy is amazing. doing stuff to make a point to others that you're better than them.... idk man... seems like a waste of time trying to fill a pot that has a leak and could fully break at any time.

[farglefarf]

One of the things I envy about people who have a partner is having someone that wants to be around you 24/7. Oh, to be desired, oh, to be wanted, etc etc

[tittysuckersworld]

vent thingy

[greppelheks]

That woman who makes videos about how to professionally say something rude in an email is honestly keeping me from getting fired, 'cause I'm close to emailing back that if they don't shut the fuck up I'm gonna beat the shit out of them, daily.

[lvvgyu]

Stay for me..? C.bg x you

warning ⚠️⚠️

🔞!! toxic!gyu, obsessive!gyu, gyu masturbates infront of reader twice. Pillow humping, panty sniffing. Yknow, all the shit in a stalker fic! Theres hardly an ending to this but its been in my drafts so long that I just needed to get it out, prolly will make a part two just say the word! 😉😉

Beomgyu didnt understand how you could just ignore him.

At first, the calls were normal. He’d call during your lunch break to make sure you ate, text if you ended up when working long nights to say goodnight and encourage you to get your work completed.

A few months into the relationship there was a sudden change. Beomgyu couldn’t stop messaging you constantly, calling you, and berating you about who you were with, how long you would be there..When you’d come back to him..

He’s just showing you that he loves you, why would you get mad at that?

But are you even mad? He’s not sure, he’s just assumed that since you haven’t texted him or called him back, you’re mad. God, he wants to hear your voice again.

His calls are one after another. Why won’t you answer him? Did you find someone better? You can’t leave him..He loves you so much, and you love him! So why are you doing this to him?..

“baby?..Why didn’t you answer my calls? I’ve been texting you all night, are you okay? Did something happen?” His voice is laced with worry.

You glance at the phone and start to respond, watching the traffic light turn to green.

“I’ve been busy at work, Gyu..I’m sorry I couldn’t answer, I was jus-“

“You’re on your way home right? I want to see you so bad, I was so worried..” He says, the worry in his voice not even slightly gone. You grip the wheel tighter and sigh quietly.

“Yea, Gyu..I’m on my way…” You say gently. You wish he would calm down a bit, he’s making it seem like you’ve been gone for days.

He speaks again, his voice softer this time.

“Are you mad at me?..” Even though he decided to ask, his guts twist at the suspense of what you’ll say. What if you are mad at him? He just wants to be good for you, he wants to be yours and he wants you to be his!

“No..Gyu, baby I’m not mad..” You say, looking at the time and then glancing ahead at the road.

“Yeah you are..” He says gently

“I-I just want you here, I need you..I really need you..” As the words fall from Beomgyu’s mouth, you can hear how slurred they are. And you figure that he’s worked himself up so much that he can barely speak coherently.

“Gyu, I’m almost home. We can talk about this, yeah? I have to hang up but, im not m-“

“You don’t even wanna talk to me?…What did I do? Did I say something wrong? I-im just worried about you and that..that guy, Yeonjun or whatever..You’re always with him and then..you come home, like you’re angry at me..”

You don’t respond, trying not to fuel his anger anymore. When you hear his sniffles and hear shuffling, you decide to hang up.

He calls back immediately, spamming you with text messages and begging for you to call him back. To stay, to be with him for just a bit longer. He needs you, that’s what he always says.

The car ride lasted about 5 more minutes, and when you reached for keys to the front door Beomgyu had already opened it.

“Baby! I missed yo-“

“Gyu..I need to talk to you…”

Beomgyu still doesn’t understand. A break? Why would you want to take a break from him?..You love him, so why would you ask for a break?

“No..no, no you can’t do that..” He moves closer to you quickly. Trying to grab your hands.

“Gyu, I love you. You know that, but all of this is overwhelming..” You say, kissing his hands gently.

He shakes his head, searching for your gaze with his own teary eyes.

“But I NEED you..” He whispers.

After moments of silence, there’s a soft rustling sound and frantic movements made by Beomgyu. When you look up, you see him removing his clothes. He wipes his tears and sniffles as he grabs your hands again.

“Let me show you! I can be good, I’m worth it I promise.. I’m-..I…” He stops once he sees your worried expression. Not frightened, at least not visibly.

“I’m leaving for now..I need time to think…”

Beomgyu watches you leave, wanting his tears to stop you somehow. When he sees that you’re actually leaving, he’s already trying to find a way to make you come back to him..

You were pleasantly surprised by how distant you two were becoming. No more constant calls from Beomgyu, or text messages.

Until one day.

When you received a video from Beomgyu titled “come back :((?” You were beyond confused. He hadn’t texted you in days, never called, and it was refreshing.

Opening the file, you didn’t expect much. But as Beomgyu came into screen and fixed the camera, you were utterly confused.

“I miss you baby…I know you miss me too..” He says softly, His hand moving away from the camera as he gets comfortable on the bed. He pouts softly as he looks into the camera.

“I know you’ll come back, you always do..” He says softly as his fingers come up to rub his nipples.

You always loved how sensitive they were, and how his body would react. Beomgyu let out soft moans and tilted his head slowly, moving his hand down his body gently.

You want to turn it off, to tell him that he’s gone too far this time. But..

He looks so pretty, and you know it just for you. His legs are spread perfectly infront of the camera, his hair falling onto from his forehead. Just slightly covering his pretty eyes.

Beomgyu grabs something from off of screen, a pair of your panties. He gently takes them and brings them up to his nose, taking a gentle whiff.

You should be disgusted, really..Hes jerking off infront of you, using your panties to get off.

But you aren’t disgusted..in fact, you’re turned on.

Beomgyu pants gently, sniffing the panties as he jerks off.

“I love you..I love you, i just want you to come back..I-I need y..” He can hardly continue to speak, stroking his cock faster and faster.

His hips thrust up constantly, and he grinds against his palm. “Please, want you to come back..just want you-“

Beomgyu whines in frustration, every attempt at trying to get off comes to no avail..Because its not you..Its not you stroking his cock, its not you silencing his moans because hes always a bit too loud.

Tears brim in his eyes as he pulls his hand away from his cock. He whimpers and reaches for your pillow behind him, slowly shifting and straddling the pillow.

As you watch, your gaze falls onto the way his hips thrust, desperate and needy. Normally, you’d be there to soothe him. But now, all you can do is watch.

“Y-y/n..” He whines gently, thrusting onto your pillow. Beomgyu tilts his head back, finally finding some relief after all these tries to cum.

And for some reason, you turn off the video there…

You immediately open up your text messages and stare at his contact, attempting to find something to say.

But, you leave it at that. Turning off your phone and sliding it to the side. Of course Beomgyu wouldn’t let this break happen…

Guess the break’s ending already, hm?

[pinkpigtailsprincess]

𝜗𝜚 ݁ ˖ The Advice Column Issue No.1 ; How to deal with fake friends while balancing school life 🎀🧁

Hii Dolls!!!⭐️ This is officially the first issue of my Brand new segment The Advice Column!!!! and i chose the topic fake friends bc as someone who’s had an alarming amount of fake friends in the past i can definitely give endless advice in this topic and its a collab with the @honeytonedhottie !! bc i thought she could also give so really good advice!!🎀⭐️

Are you struggling with keeping up in your studies? worried if your friends are talking behind ur back? Stressed? Feeling like school and socials are just to much??? DONT WORRY!! Dolly n Honey are gonna save the day!! 🎀⭐️

Section 1 ; Honey!!🍯

how to balance ur school and social life (in bullet points) !! 🎀🧁

- make a list of priorities and stick to it like its a handbook

- practice saying no to events and saying no to excessive studying, the key is to find an equilibrium

- combine social and academic events

- make sure to use ur time wisely and do whats important first, so that then u can have loads of time for ur social life!

Section 2 ; Dolly! 🎀

No.1 ; Stand up for yourself!! ⭐️

if ur so called “friend” is constantly make smart remarks about you,scrutinizing you for the smallest thing,being passive aggressive or really just trying to hurt your feelings always stand up for yourself and never let insult like that because that shows that you have no self respect and then they’re gonna just keep doing it set clear boundaries and don’t be a doormat never let this person/people walk all over you , if you didn’t appreciate something they said don’t take shit from them address and make sure it never happens again

No.2 ; spotting a secretly fake friend⭐️!

now there’s obviously “friends” that you can spot from a mile away that they’re definitely toxic but theres also a certain type of friend that could be the sweetest to ur face but secretly talk shit behind ur back and its honestly not that hard to spot one of these “friends” so here are some characteristics of ‘the secretly fake friend’

- never sticks up for you

- constantly lying

- at time can be very passive aggressive

- will tell you that someone was talking about you and not defend you at all

- will make you feel like a bad friend even if they’re wrong in the situation

- if you’ve ever confronted them on their behavior and they say they’re sorry but then repeats the same actions

- lets their other friends talk shit about you

- HUGE VICTIM COMPLEX!

these kinds of fake friends are tricky bc you really can’t spot them at first and then it can be harder to cut them off which brings me to my next point

No.3 CUT THEM OFF !!⭐️

listen i know its hard to let go of these people at first im mean I’ve had to do it multiple times but i swear it gets sooo much easier to not have these people in ur life its way better to have no friends than a bunch of friends thats secretly hate you don’t stay caught up on toxic people like this its a waste of ur own peace and well being , block them,stop following them,stop talking to them have NOTHING to do with these people/person

No.5 ; Ur not special !!

now this title is a bit alarming but what i mean by that is if you have a friend that’s constantly talks down about people for no reason whether it be their friends or someone they know and im not talking about the standard gossip talk bc tbh everyone gossips but im talking about like drags them through the mud calls them mean names and purposefully spreads rumors about other people they’ll do it to do you as well ur not special i doesn’t matter what this person is telling you they’ll talk about any and everyone it doesn’t matter people like this do not care

No.4 ; Being Un-phased !! ⭐️

now after you cut them off either gonna

A. make it seem like they’re innocent and have been nothing but nice to you and try and make you feel bad

B. Act like theirs beef when in reality theres not they just want a reason to start a problem

C. to the standard mean girl remarks side eyes,whispers,random pointing and slightly laughing, or even in some cases talk loudly about you but indirectly

now in any of these situations never let it bother you show no reaction these kinds of people feed off ur fear of them shows no reaction when it comes to things like this and you can also do it back side eye them back,give them weird looks back now im definitely not saying be just like them but play their game don’t let disrespect like this slide and i know how hard it can be especially since these are people ir support be close with but i promise making friends that actually care about you is WORLDS BETTER!!! you’ll have such a peace of mind and being able to make friend that actually care about you is such a freeing feeling!!!!

Reminders!!! 🎀🍯

- they’re opinions don’t matter

- these people are no above you in any way shape or form

- stress is normal don’t let it get to you !!

- you deserve much better friends

- it normal to feel sad after cutting them off

- this person/these people don’t deserve you!!!

- you got thiss!!!

[karin-miyoshi]

Do you think yuyuyu is ableist?

sheesh, talk about a loaded question

definitely opens up a lot of rabbit holes. ill give my opinion, but note im not the most educated on the subject itself so giving a definite answer is outside my scope.

ill put a read below, but for me, i personally think it isnt, but can be easily misinterpreted as is on a surface level.

tldr, ableism is discrimination towards those with disabilities.

the character in question most of the time when it comes to these topics is tougou, who uses a wheelchair in season 1 due to losing function in her legs. there are never any distasteful jokes made about this, and the show constantly shows various handicap friendly services throughout the show. something even more surprising is that these are never the core focus of the scene or pointed out, its always well integrated into the world as if it were normal (important).

just skimming through s1, we have:

wheelchair assistance integration for both cars and stairs

special swim courses for the disabled, not separated from the rest of the class

beach wheelchairs and separate assistants

now while we can assume a lot of these were due to her previous service as washio sumi, i dont think that would really be fair to the production team putting these in, and it really feels like theres a lot more heart than "yeah we put these for the big shock value realization later on". even after regaining function in her legs near the end of the season, tougou's priority was always towards yuuna and her recovery.

onto the next topic, which is the show taking away and then returning these characters functions throughout. whats important to consider here is what is considered tragic, is it the characters living without these certain functions, or is it the act of losing these functions themselves?

"It'll definitely improve. I mean, we haven't done anything wrong." (Fuu, s1ep9) again, no distasteful jokes made about their disabilities, and fuu even plays it off with her sick eyepatch. her worries instead stem from the loss of itsuki's dream, in the form of her no longer being able to sing. thats the key factor here, being punished for doing what is right, losing the ability to do what you could do before, losing the memories of the time you spent with your friends. (thats another thing i see with a lot of these arguments, they always bring up physical disabilities, but ive never seen one actually talk about ones regarding memory, arguably the most precious thing to them). tougou flat out doesnt remember sonoko at all despite being comrades in arms before, and understandably freaks out that the same might happen with her and yuuna.

now, understandably, the ending to s1 seemed super rushed, and them getting their bodily functions back seemed rather sudden. this put a lot of people off, and was really only explained in s2, which many didnt watch.

people should be allowed to grieve if they lose something important to them, and should be allowed to be happy if they get it back. personally, i dont think people realize the weight of their words when they say, "oh i wish karin wouldve stayed deaf, itd be really cool to see the club members learning sign language for it" or "yuuna in a wheelchair was really cute, i wish we saw more of it." yeah its a cool idea i guess, maybe something to see while theyre stil recovering, but forever? in a chase to see more representation, i hope they realize what they are wishing onto others eventually (even if fictional). while many with disabilities are satisfied with their life, they should be able to wish for better if they wanted to, its not like theyd wish their circumstances on anyone else, right? shouldnt the same apply here, to the girls who've actually lived both with and without disabilities?

just my two cents, hope this wasnt too hard to read! theres a lot more i could write up, especially regarding sonoko, but thats a whole other discussion i should probably save for another time

[fujii-draws]

so the dusknoir fic has not left my head since morning and im gonna make it your problem /j.

i like to think that a reason as to why dusknoir was having such a crisis when parental instincts kicked in is because theres still a lot of baggage to unpack when coming to terms with what he had done, and how he sees bits and fractions of it in the current day with aimilios and ribbons.

ribbons decides to relax on his plumage collar thing? instant flashback to back when she was but a teeny tiny eevee, and he was the great adorement in which she so willingly and delightfully looked up towards. back when he chose to play along.

aimilios holds his hand close, and just yammers on about whatever it is that happened in his day? instant flashback to back when the boy was but a timid riolu, not wanting to bother/be of inconvenience to someone like dusknoir, to the point where he didn't believe that dusknoir *should.* back when dusknoir was so caught up in playing House with these two, that he might have just felt a pinch of guilt to what he was about to do next. *might*.

the kids are justifiably worried about him, and actively wish for to be better because they care? instant flashback to the time where the same had happened, and look what became of that.

every action, every gesture of kindness, any word of appreciation is rooted in such turmoil. a voice that constantly beckons and taunts him with how all this could have been possible before if he was not such a *coward.* if he wasn't so caught up in his own fear and self preservation, he could have been someone else, someone whos atonement isnt holding him by the neck like a dog.

in short terms, dusknoir doesn't believe himself to be their father because there is no way he deserves to be called as such. a father loves his children, a father proves to be trustworthy and caring, a father will do everything to ensure the safety of his kids, and even if he *does* prove all those beliefs to be true, does that ever change the volume of the echo that those six dreaded words he uttered to be any lower? does that make his hands any less stained?

i could be wrong, so correct me if i am. very eager to see the epilogue.

NO YOURE ABSOLUTELY ON THE MARK. Hell I’m pretty sure I said the same thing but in the form of a shitty discord screenshot 😭

BUT YEAH. He’s already grateful for the fact that they’d re-invited him into their lives even after everything. And those two being ‘teammates’ is enough for him. He can’t be selfish or overstep boundaries in his eyes (or singular eye). He’ll find himself cradling/hugging those two and think ‘hm. Something a father would do. I should stop.’ Unable to hear Ribbons and Aimilios’s confused whimpers towards why he let them go and left.

He’ll teach Aimilios via reading until the boy’s fallen asleep and he drapes the Lucario with his cloak. He’ll allow Ribbons to stay wrapped around his neck for as long as she wishes. Smiling softly whenever she begins to groom/lick his face. So it’s no surprise why Dusknoir’s mind just glitches to go after those two.

[mattisthehottest]

Things I would do for you

pairing: bf!Matt x Y/n

Warnings: Fluff, fighting (not with y/n), rumors, minor cursing, NOT PROOFREAD

word count: 500+ I think 😭

Summary: What your boyfriend does for you when he hears the rumors being spread about you.

a/n: I basically dreamed about this.

○---------‐------------------------------------------------○

● Y/n POV ●

I walk in the school, arm in arm with my boyfriend, Matt. People look and started whispering. Matt notices this and furrows his brows at me. "What are they talking about, Y/n?" I look and see them staring at me in disgust. "I'm going to class, Matt." I slip my arm from his and run quickly to the bathroom.

Some girls walk in after me. "I can't believe Y/n would do something like that." One girl says, and the other two agree. "It's going to be really sad when Matt finds out." The blond one to the other two. I wait for them to leave before walking out the bathroom stall. "What were they talking about?" I mumble to myself.

○○○

The whole day went by with people staring at me and whispering. Matt started to get worried. Speaking of Matt, where is he? We normally meet by the lockers before going to science. I'll text him.

To My Matty:

baby, where are you??

I wait a few minutes, and he still doesn't respond. He didn't even open it. What is he doing? Is he too busy for me? Maybe he's jus-, my thoughts get interrupted by some people shoving past me. "Hey," I stop a kid running through the crowd. "What's happening?" The kid quickly says "Theres a fight!" The kid continues running through the crowd. A fight, who's fighting? Maybe I'll find Matt.

○Matts POV○

"I'm going to class, Matt." Y/n says as a lot of people look at her and start whispering. I watch her slip out of my arm and disappear into the female bathroom. I turn to see everyone sighing and whisper, but before I can ask around, the bell rings.

As I sit in class listening to the teacher, my mind drifts to this morning. why were they all staring at her and whispering? Did she do something wrong? I continue to drift farther into thought. "Matt! Matt!" Chris whisper to me. I look up to him, pushing my thoughts to the side. "Dude, were you sleep or something? Class is over." I look around the class to find only me, Chris, and Nick in the room. "Sorry."

○○○○

I angerily walk up to Jake and grab his shirt collar. "The hell did you spread that rumor about y/n for?" I basically yell in his face. "Woah dude, let's not get to angry now." He says with a grin. "Who said it was me?" He pushes me back a little.

It's been bothering me all day that everyone keeps staring and whispering about y/n. Maybe I should look around. Something gotta point it. the way of the reason

○30 minutes later○

I found nothing. Im in the bathroom washing my hands when I hear some boys talking. "I might need y/n to give me some if Jake says she's that good." The boy with the blonde hair says. The othe boys laugh. I furrow my brows as I walk to them. "What did you just say?" The boys gulp in fear.

I walk out the bathroom, feeling my phone vibrate. Remembering what the boy in the bathroom said, "Jakes been going around telling everyone that y/n's been secretly seeing him behind your back!" He rushes the words out of his mouth. My nostroils flare in anger.

That led me to this point. On top of Jake punching him in the face. Over and over again. Everyone surrounding us and recording it. Everyone cheering, "Fight! fight!" I ignore everyone and everything around me. My anger gettung the best of me as I feel my phone vibrate constantly in my pocket. I completely ignore it feeling Jake throwing punches back. "Stop, please!"This is the last thing I hear before i get knocked out.

~•Y/n's POV•~

I quickly follow the crowd of people. Finding a ring of people trying to get a good view and recording of the fight. I try pushing my way through to the crowd of people.

When I make it to the front of the crowd, I find my boyfriend and Jake throwing punches at each other. I need to stop him before someone gets hurt! "Stop, please!" I yell out right as Matt gets knocked out. I quickly run to my boyfriends limp body on the floor.

○○○○

I wait next Matt, holding his hand. I see him slowly open his eyes. "B-babe?" I quickly shush him. "Baby, rest, you were just knocked out." He looks around my room. "We're at your house?" he asks in a barely audible voice. I smile gently at him, giving him a kiss in the cheek. "Yes, baby." He hums gently while closing his eyes.

I walk into my room with a sandwich in one hand and orange juice in the other. "Baby, I brought you food." He sits up with a wince. "Thanks, love." He says as he takes a bite from the sandwich and smiles. "Is it good?" He looks up at me. "mhm" I smile.

I sit on a chair beside my bed. "Why did you do it?" He shifts on the bed and looks away. "Matt." I say sternly and he doesn't answer. "Matthew Bernard." He looks at me. "He was telling lies about you." I frown "Baby, that doesn't mean go beat people up for me." He looks at me and smiles. "You don't know all the things I would do for you." I smile and kiss his lips.

After I clean up the mess, I turn on a movie and snuggle I bed next to Matt. "Your taking such good care of me." Matt says facing me. "I have to, whi esle would if I didn't?" I chuckle. "I love you, y/n." He pulls the cover over us both and wraps his arm around me. "I love you too, Matty." He leans his head down and kisses my lips.

This boy doesn't have the slightest idea what I would do for him as well. But maybe neither of us knows hiw much the other will do for them

I lay me head in his chest as we watch the movie and smile. He smiles looking down at me. "Soemeones happy." I nod my hair. "Because you did it for me." He chuckles, "Anything and everything for you."

a/n pt2: I don't know if i like the ending 😭

Idk if you guys wanted to be tagged, but you encouraged me to post:

@y0urm4m @sturniolovsp @patscorner @sturniolosmind

[corvidares]

okay, so i just finished re-reading Any Way the Wind Blows and this feels so blatant as to be smacking me in the face: simon is disabled.

now, the reason why that makes itself even clearer in this book than in wayward son (where he, of course, also has the wings + tail) is because simon is once again in the world of mages - despite doing his best to leave it behind. compared to wayward son, where hes basically and literally in the wild west. where theres magical beings everywhere, where simon practically fits in because he is one.

but ill get back to that.

ive seen a lot of really interesting points about what simon's wings represent and mean, and i'm not disagreeing with those. but in a very literal sense, they are a disability.

think about it like this: the world of mages (and Normals) is not built for humanoids who have giant webbed wings and a tail. simon constantly struggles with controlling these limbs, and their size makes it ten times harder. spaces are too small, furniture and objects are broken when he spreads them, and many a shirt or jacket are ruined.

he struggles to find a good way to deal with this - spell them away? wear them out by cutting holes in things? fold them extremely painfully into his shirt? even though this last one is treated like a solution for a little while, its far from ideal. who is simon doing this for? himself, or everyone around him? yes, of course Normals cant see them. and yeah, hes expressed discomfort about baz and penny spelling them hidden. but thats not the point. even with this botch job of a way to "wear" his wings, which succeeds at hiding them from Normals, simon still states a couple times that he knows people stare at him and his seeming hunchback. i mean, thats blatant.

(he eventually, with shepard's help, realizes a good way to work around this - zippers or buckles on shirtbacks - which very much feels like an aha! disability aid moment)

im not saying disability is based in how people look at you, or it only being a societal thing. (as in, when he wasnt in the world of mages, he wasnt suddenly 'not disabled at all') disability is a huge spectrum. but those things absolutely can be a part of the disabled experience.

but all of that doesnt even get to my main point: simon has no magic anymore. and in the world of mages, thats a huge deal. magic is like living and breathing, especially for baz and penny. its not something they question or have to worry about not being able to call upon. hell, even before simon lost his magic he was disabled, just to a different extent.

before awtwb, we dont hear much about mages whose magic is weak. but they come to the forefront now - which just solidifies that solid magical ability = able bodiedness.

smith is promising a miracle cure. a cure. think of it like bullshit orgs such as aut!sm spe@ks, wanting to "cure" autism - he wants to cure people. (and hes just as full of shit) why? because weak magic is seen as a disease, a problem, even subhuman.

take daphne, baz's stepmom. her quality of life is fine, great. her weaker magic doesnt seem to put her at a disadvantage. she manages her disability well. but in comparison to the norm, to what is expected of the average mage, shes got nothing. less than nothing. she feels shame over what she cant do.

smith's case becomes even more blatant when we see, at the end of awtwb, that he wants to essentially cull weak magicians. that they're holding back society. that theyre better off as powerless as Normals - who are blatantly seen as subhuman - than as weak mages. much like how ableist rhetoric puts forward that disability is a fate worse than death.

which brings us back to simon. he insists hes a Normal, now or always has been. baz insists hes the most powerful magician to exist. both of them are wrong.

and right. and right and wrong.

simon is some third thing - not a mage, not a Normal. akin to how disability is its own minority aside from race or ethnicity he has a foot in each world, and he always has. but now he cant achieve blending into either.

this is why the increasing presence and humanization of other magical beings beside mages is so important (thank you shephard!) how mages tend to seem magical beings is very ableist. theyre subhuman, theyre not to be trusted, theyre freaks, theyre dirty, etc. except oops, how can you keep thinking that penny, when this very nice one works at a cafe and helped you translate shephard's engagement terms?

even baz and the events of wayward son play into this - yeah, some vampires are horrible people. but plenty, like baz, are just people. with a range of experiences and morals and ways of living life. (take nicodemus) (i could make a point about how simon's stalwart acceptance of baz's vampirism helps baz comes to terms with it and how this is also super disability coded, but thats another essay)

in the beginning of awtwb, he decides to go to the extreme opposite of his chosen one powered life - to live as a Normal, and the second step (after cutting himself off from baz and penny) is getting his wings removed.

except he cant do it. and even having his wings touched is horribly uncomfortable. now, this partly has to do with how much theyre sensual parts of his body - same as his tail. but its also, separately, very intimate. theyre treated very clinically, like a fascinating specimen to pore over. im not trying to give niamh shit here, just saying what i saw.

but theyre part of him. people with disabilities often deal with being stared at and poked and prodded by the medical field (if theyre not ignored or waved off. maybe both.). even every day folks feel the right to touch disabled folks, or their mobility aids.

for a lot of people, mobility aids are a part of them - its like a stranger touching your face and thinking theyre doing you a favor. when instead theyre being weird as fuck.

simon's status as previous chosen one even plays into this sort of thing - people see him more as a figurehead, for what he can and cant do (including his wings!) than a person. hes a tragedy, hes a hero. hes inspirational, hes to be pitied. sound familiar?

the end of awtwb doesnt spell out whether simon ends up deciding to keep his wings (frustratingly). but they spell out that he would absolutely would, in my opinion.

simon increasingly treats them as a natural extension of his body. think of the scene where he flies about the watford goats. how he expresses his feelings with his wings and tail. and of course, how he learns to let baz loves each and every part of him: including his dragon limbs.

baz loves him, and loves them, not in a fetishistic way, but because its simon, and he loves everything simon is. not just what he represents or can or cant do.

[33446699]

thats what I mean abt my first ask is even with idols having their own social media posts all it seems to do is make their fans act worse or more delusional online towards them. usually over a photoshoot (ive caught myself doing this and let me say its embarassing asf) its embarassing asf bc why do we need so much validation from the opposite gender? i find that even with their online platforms its so expensive to actually interact or im like ehh whatever they posted an other vlive dont the idols have something more interesting to do?

i wonder if theres any idols who arent always ingrained with social media, cillian murphey keeps to himself and doesnt seem to need that extra validation that idols do. i find him quite interesting for it but ppl and reporters still act surprise that he doesnt know what his own meme was lmao. its like its a surprise if anyone isnt in on everything current and trendy but when im trying to find something to watch its either usually kpop stuff that crop up even without searching for it orrr u just search for something else but its like mehhh everyone wanna be validated online bc they like the extra attention they didnt get as a child. honestly the 90s were the best time period imho wouldve loved to have experienced it as an adult away from this online nonsense, now im online a lot because everythings become abt being online.

i wonder if idols get worn out by constantly having these unhealthy attachments to needing an audience for everything they do? if they do something its suddenly a viral moment or a meme yet i see these clips and im like ehh sometimes theyre not even that funny lbr. i think many of them are interesting performers and often quite talented but like i say thats abt a lot of them have going for them, they dont seem to venture outside the bubble of their idol world or having do many staffs do every thing for them.

wouldnt it make dating an idol even harder if you find you have to do tasks for them that you expect them to be able to do? they will always be doing something for their fans or audience. i also then expect idols to look after themselves too cause im tired of logging on to see we have to yet again act all worried and concerned for an idol who dont even know us? lmao. see what i mean the toxic attachments go both ways and ppl r often more bothered abt only one side of the toxic ppl like their fans and sasaengs or whatever but then they dont see that idols have these attachments bc of those ppl.

Whatever they posted online on other vlive I mean don't the idols have something more interesting to do ?

If an idol is posting selfie ,there's nothing wrong with it ,I guess you don't post on your account that much ,they don't ask fans to act crazy for their selfie or video,so you want idols to stop posting online and be less online ,so that people like you who dont hold themselves accountable can come out of delusions ,Ah I remember its their job ,not yours ,to treat you or fans like you who act worse or delusional ( I will convey your message 😉 don't worry ) ,yeah it's expensive to interact with them online because its thier job and they wanna fill their bag as much as they want ,why would you want to earn less money when you can earn more ,and anon don't you have something interesting to do in your life ?and by interesting what do you mean

Why do we need validation from opposite gender ?

If you are talking about idols their content isnt gender specific ,they haven't stopped men or boys from liking them ,it's again their job and their own will to post whatever they want to post ,if you are talking about yourself,you need to know as to why you think like this and why you need validation from opposite gender ,and work on it ,so you don't need it

I wonder if there's any idols who aren't always engrained wth social media ,cillian Murphy keeps to himself and doesn't seem to need that extra validation that idols do

You are comparing two different entertainment Industires first of all ,in west artists are more free and the kpop culture of dealing with fans isn't there ,then comes nature of a person,if its his nature , it's good,I also like this but I wont judge every person who isnt like him ,yeah reporters and people act surprised that what's his famous meme was ,yeah cause this doesn't happen normally so they aren't used to this ,but this have nothing to do with him needing extra validation but just his nature

When I am trying to find something to watch it's either usually K-pop stuff thats crop up even without searching for it or you just search for something else .

It's because dear you don't clear your algorithm,you watch this K-pop stuff ,If I want to clear my search and my feed ,even a week is more ,if you don't watch ,and click on every video/pic you dislike as "non -interested " you won't find K-pop stuff on your feed anymore

Everyone wanna be validated online because they like the extra attention they didn't get as a child

You know what I am really sorry for you anon that "you didn't get the attention you wanted as a child "

I am really sorry for everyone who share something online and then they are getting judged by people like you ,who act so superficial , insensitive,and pathetic and rude ,if only you had get the extra attention you wanted as a child and didn't get it ,you would be acting normal and not like this ,you wouldn't go to every blog and repeat the same thing,you would look into mirror and ask yourself that why are you acting so weird ,I am honestly so shocked that people like you exist who reach to people,their traumas,their upbringing just to feel better for themselves,if you think online is nonsense ,are you writing letters to blogs and sending it via pigeons ,you have an unhealthy attachment to everything and spend most if yoir time online ,its better to do shadow work on yourself and be a better person and dont talk nonsense about everyone ,and not to complain about everything

If you wanna experience 90s ,you can still experience it ,switch off your net ,put down your phone ,go to some village,or some remote area live for few months ,do camping ,and eat food made by you ,and do everything by you ,you can still enjoy that era ,but you don't need to talk nonsense and judge everyone who doesn't agree with you ,or who isn't living like you ,who doesnt need extra validation like you .

People are problematic but you can't put everyone in same category, people need validation,but not everyone is same and I really dislike people who bring up someone childhood without knowing everything about them ,without knowing them personally,do you know everyone childhood ,do you know everyone job ,or why they are online and why they ard doing certain things ,don't generalise everyone and sadly idols have fans like you ,I don't know who you stan ,who basically judge them and even people you interact with ,it must be a burden for them ,to not need your validation and keep everything to themselves

Please grow up and be mature

I wonder if idols get worn out by constantly having these unhealthy attachments to needing an audience for everything they do ?

These are your words ,anon I am not trying to be rude but are you this ignorant by choice or it's because you don't know anything ,or you don't want to know anything,this is the problem with K-pop fans that they dont separate idols jobs from their real life ,

These are some questions you should think about :

If you are an idol ,you go to airport,there is no one to welcome you when you arrive,or no one to see off and it happens frequently will you feel happy about it ,or will you be sad ?

If you post a selfie no one likes it or there are few people who like it ,what will you feel ?

If you release a song ,no one listens it ,and its flop and your career is in danger and you are giving flop comebacks back to back ,how will you feel ?

It's not idols who have unhealthy attachments to want their audience for everything,it's their job ,and its dependent on people,they have contracts ,and they are required to remaim popular one way or other , otherwise they will disband or remain in industry and do nothing ,west and K-pop works differently ,if you dont know how kpop works ,then its you who needs to learn about it ,in K-pop culture these are the requirements they like it or not

If they do something and its suddenly a viral moment and You see something and you feel like ehh sometimes it's not even that funny lbr

People have different preferences and different tastes in everything and if you like an idol ,you don't have to like every part of them and that's okay ,but if it matches other people tastes and they think it's funny then ,that's fine too ,so if it's viral because its matching other people taste and not yours

They don't seem to venture outside the bubble if their idol world and having many staffs do everything for them

Idols have very tight packed schedules from what I know ,so them having to avail the help of people who are willing to help them by getting paid or even for free ,isn't bad or wrong ,if you are rich ,and insanely busy,even tired due to work , practice and we know how kpop overwork their idols ,will you still want to do everything by yourself or will you avail any staff help with your everything if possible,if yes ,then it's good for you ,but people mostly like to have help and can rest properly in their free time ,it's okay ,it's nothing weird

Wouldn't it make dating an idol even harder if you find that you have to do tasks for them ,that you expect them to be able to do ?

Now ,here comes different things ,first of all what kind of tasks are you talking about ?If they are not doing anything themselves ,they have staff doing it for them ,what's the problem?then comes that normally and mostly ,idols date idols and people who are like them ,so that they know how to handle the relationship and dont have any problems in their relationships ,and even people who date them know that what theu are getting themselves into and that a large part of their life is for public and fans ,so I am sure it doesn't bother them ,thats why they are in relationship,right isn't this like this ?second when you are in love , people have no problem mostly with looking after their partner and doing tasks for them ,and caring about them ,if its a transactional relationship or people are totally different,and there is no love then there people think so calculated

I also then expect idols to look after themselves too cause I am tired of logging on to see that yet we have to act all worried and concerned for an idol who dont even know us ?

I am appalled ,I don't understand what you mean by this ,so if possible kindly explain ,but I must say that it's very weird of you to think like this ,and this is parasocial relationship with obsession ,in obsession you think like this ,have any idol personally asked you to act concerned for them ,I believe no ,have they personally asked you to act worried about them ,I believe no ,so ,i think if your support/concern / worry for any idol you like is just an act ,they are better without your support maybe

Lmao .see what I mean the toxic attachments go both ways and people are often more bothered about only one side of the toxic like their fans and saesangs or whatever but then they don't see that idols have these attachments because of these people

On idols part this is way less if it exists even ,but atleast in your ask ,this toxic attachment is on your side from what you described anon ,not on the idols side ,they are literally acting Normally

[ganondoodle]

so, i have thought more about what we now know about botw2 and honestly, setting aside the smaller things i am not a fan of (like the building aspect) my biggest gripes about it are the plot looking like its gonna be very generic, especially regarding ganondorf, while i hoped it would perhaps finally give us a little more interesting take instead good vs evil; and the oh so mysterious figure you see in in the trailer very likely to be hylia, since shes mentioned constantly in the first game (among other things like her design being pretty much a carbon copy of zelda for the most boring reasons imaginable)

and no its not just bc of my stupid little fanworks (that i do bc i love the franchise, as much as i am critical of it, it comes from being very passionate about it, hence me working my fan lore around the canon so it doesnt disturb it much, its more meant to expand it on parts i think are a little lacking without me trying to sound superior, literally just as an act of love (and a little spite ill admit that) to add something to it)- BUT bc i have little hope they would do anything more than just going full blown "this monstrous beast is pure inherently evil, and this is the pure inherently good white little girl goddess whos just protecting her god given perfect and unshakable good tm monarchy" with no little to no nuance (theres also alot more to be critical of the general structure and implications like racism, orientalism, nationalism, that while i can see alot of wrong or questionable things in the games i lack the eloquence to talk about in its full range) yes i am personally biased bc i just .. hate that kind of story/worldbuilding structure, but i dont think im the only one who would think of it as boring and .. disappointing?

i dont need ganondorf to be redeemed, i dont need him to be the good himbo bf that some people think all ganondorf stans want, i just want him to be more than to shout "i will conquor this kingdom bc i am evil and want it" and send a horde of monsters after you, at the very least id want the game to just aknowledge that there must be a reason for it, why it turned out like this

the zelda series and its world has so much potential, which is probably a reason for its popularity in fanworks, but also keeps not using it, no i dont expect a company like nintendo to deliver on all my hopes, of course not, im not that delusional, but the further i think and learn about this universe and concepts they created i find myself asking "why" more and more where the games never elaborate, never question

i like a clear structure, i like when your choices dont have a big or any impact on the story bc i want to live the story, not worry about every decision like i already do every second of my life IRL, i want to partake in a movie, in a theater piece i can influence the pace of but not change the outcome, yet i feel kind of ... ignored? let down? asking why and how, how do they know this is right and this is wrong, how do they keep enacting this seeing it never works out, keep saying defeat this evil, but evil yet returns stronger than before over and over, how do they never ask "is this the right way?", they say "we need to kill it more next time"

i know they are fictional little characters made up to sell a game, with a convevient plot point to ever repeat the same structure, but it cant be wrong to say "i love this world, i want to see and know more, i want to see it grow and change, break the cycle and be better, show me characters not puppets"

theres very surely nuances and ideas i am sorely missing bc i lack the knowledge of japanese as a language, culture, and mythology, but i dont think it invalidates all that i feel for it ..

.. right?

[sad-leon]

Hello! I hope you're having a good day!

So many people in my life seem to be going through something right now, and I just wanted to give you an opportunity to share anything you might be going through. Good or bad, as specific or as vague as you're comfortable with. Or feel free to ignore if you'd rather not. No pressure at all!

I hope things are going well for you! But if not, I'll be sending prayers your way if you're comfortable with that!

I am... not.

and i haven't for a long time

I'll preface this entire post with a warning: THIS IS A VENT POST the only tags will be trigger warnings

I thinks i've said it once or twice, but I started school this year. This is my first year in college after taking a gap year and also telling everyon i wasnt gonna go. I know jack shit about what im doing and its fucking exhausting. Theres so many things that i feel like I should know but dont because all the college information given out in my highschool was geared toward the college in that town specifically, which is not the college im going to.

I've also moved. im entirely on my own, physically and financially. I just met with my job and am starting very soon which is not good because my sleep schedule is all wrong. I may be switching jobs soon, but i can't just quit becuase, like i said, im on my own.

and those are only the big two. lets speedrun this. my anxiety, my autism, i need new glasses, my feet hurt more than i think they should, im a system, my eating disorder, my aversions that make it hard to drink the water up here, the burnout, the exhaustion, executive dysfunction, i also likely have adhd which mean rsd. im touch starved and touch adverse

those are just what i can think of off the top of my head

but all of this had been leading to what might be a pretty nasty breakdown and soon.

im so fucking tired all the time and that makes it hard to draw, but thats one of my only ways to relax. i like playing mc, but i get bored easily and also i cant sit at my desk for long becuase it feels like my head is too heavy for my neck. it hurts. everything hurts and my job doesnt help me at fucking all.

i was able to draw tsob while dealing with most of my issues becuase all i had to worry about was work. looking at my current schedule, i can find the free time. the issue is using that freetime to draw and not just sleep or dissociate. finding home is very dear to me, but drawing it the way i am can be exhausting and i dont want to start hating it, so i just.. dont draw it most days

i stress constantly about how i appear on my blog becuase i want so badly to do this right. i want to be good at something, like, as a person, not just as an artist. but i hate myself too much to believe in any progress i make.

i know its the rsd mostly but i see groups and i feel gross. its not as bed now (any of you beans that have made it this far, ily /p) becuase i found a community i can actually interact with, but it still comes up, especially because i've moved away from all my irl friends and its so fucking hard for me to make them in the first place. like.. actual friends, not just people i can work with at school

if i keep going i'll probably talk myself in circles, so ill stop it here. theres a lot more but im not going to ramble about my suicidal, intrusive, or sh thoughts on this blog. this is a post to inform you guys of the state of mind im in. im lonely and sad and its all building up to a massive breakdown.

im not going to be leaving tumblr or giving up on my comic, but i probalby wont update as often as i did tsob. i just dont have the energy.

i also will probably post some of my traditional art cuz i gotta fill up a sketchbook for my animation class, so that also takes away from the time i use to draw digitally.

im so tired

[midnightmisadventures]

So this time we’re on our way home, i see he doesnt have any gas, so i say “you can stop here for gas” he pulls into the station and its dystopia city lol. Theres homeless people with broken limbs begging for help. Theres.....scary shit. So he goes ya know lets just get out of here.

So we’re driving and he’s being such a bad driver, constantly almost crashing. But we’re laughing about it. Then we’re holding hands, flirting, flirting. Massaging eachothers hands, being such a couple.  

And then he pulls my hand up to his mouth and i think he’s gonna kiss it. But instead he takes my two fingers (pointer and middle) and puts them in his mouth. And now its like.....hot. 

Like when i tell you i was turned on I WAS. So im playing into it, basically fingering his mouth. This is so graphic, but i can feel myself getting wet. He’s still driving but the sexual tension is building. Then he SLAMS into the break sort of. Pulls over. Idk if we home but i didnt care. He’s like...ready to fuck. So he stops the car. Pushes the seat all the way back and lowers it, and i get on top of him soooo ready lmao. I also still know this is a dream, so i dont have any nerves im just excited. Btw im wearing my yellow dress i wore to lias party. 

Anyway, now im on top of him, and i go in and kiss him but then notice. THeres puke everywhere. Like puke and drool coming out of his mouth, puke on his shirt, puke on the dash. And im confused?? And im like “uhh maybe like wipe your mouth or spit into something first” and im trying to look around for a napkin and not make him feel too embarrassed bc ew i just kissed his wet puke lips. 

THEN, the cops....or the town orderlies idk dystopia. Knocks on his window like get out whats going on, we need to search him. SO i quickly get off his lap lol back into the passenger. And the cops are like “what the fuck is going on” they didnt have any specific reason....idk it was confusing. So we were both changed out of our “school” uniform. And i think mark starts explaining to the guy that we’re on our way back from school. And hes like “yea i need proof of your uniform. preforably a clean one” so he’s looking and then the cops start searching his car and filing a report. And for some reason i was so confused as to where the puke came from and when it got there. 

So i was like “i dont understand was that ur puke” and he was like “yea it was me, i slammed on the breaks and boom threw up” and then i realize and am like “OH NO was it my fingers, did i gag you omg im so sorry” also being kinda cute about it. Like babe was it my sexy fingers teasing you?? And hes into it he’s like NO don’t apologize. Your fingers did nothing wrong, i wouldnt take that back, like i’d throw up 10 more times if it meant we got to be hot and tease eachother. So its kind of a cute funny moment, and i did like him, and i did want to kiss him more. But i just started looking around lol. The cops were here, we werent home yet. We had dystopian highschool again tomorrow lmao. I was like, this isnt worth it. This is a dream i should just cut out. Cause this can only get scarier, and what if i get in a situation where im stuck or in a scream proof room. I should just get out while i know i can, i dont feel like dealing with the authority in this dream world. 

So i leave marks side, go behind the car, and scream my lungs out. Literally it took all my might, i was worried it wouldnt work. Then i ended up in the “fake wake up” dream. And then i actually woke up.

Wasnt that a weird dream?

[imsorry-imlate]

I am bipolar. Whenever someones like, what is it like for you.

I always describe it as

" you ever seen shameless, I basically have Ian and mickey in my head. "

They bicker in there a lot, they go back in forth constantly. When I'm manic, The voice of reason goes out the window. Theres still a faint voice there. When Im angry, one side is trying to blow out the fire, calm the other down. Sometime's they team up and get upset. When it goes too far, one calms the other side down. One side's trying figure out what the fuck just happened and the other's still feeling the thrill. When I see things / hear things, the other side calms me tells me its not real. But I'm still panicking. For me it wasn't that I didn't know I had Bipolar, its that I didn't wanna admit it. Part of me knew that what was happening / what I was doing wasn't normal. One moment I'm manic I think everything's fine, I gaslight myself into thinking I was lying, i'm the king and the hottest thing in the world, and that it wasn't that bad it lasts for a week up to month. After coming down I turn into a blob of numb/sadness, I get tired and admit somethings wrong that what im doing isn't normal and that I need help. It's a constant battle up there but im fighting it <3

I'd like to thank @mikhailoisbaby, @stocious & @fuckmefuckyoufuckallthis for being there and calming me down!

No need to worry everyone, I have a psychologist, I see him a lot. I go to see the psychiatrist in feb to get the meds.. If it get's too bad i'll go check myself into the hospital <3

[lonelyinkcap]

.

*quietly enters the doc and loafs on the floor*

im

here now

idk

im not eloquent enough to justify a gay sideblog haha

i guess i can have a lil ghost recorder session while youre gone /nf

“ah. right. you are a tape recorder. you cannot consent”

idk

meep

i should get a new bandaid for my blister

took it off earlier bc it was covered in paint and about to fall off bc of my sweaty ass hands anyway

um

yea idk

ive been having

i think a like

pretty good day generally

so im worried if i

slow down and let myself breathe

its all gonna go to shit realll fast

thats what usually happens anyway.

but

idk

im

trying to be gay

without like. the anxiety hitting me like a truck again

its not really working

my leg is already shaking

just

thinking about thinking about it

yknow?

i dont know.

sorry.

at this point im not really sure i even know what im worried about?

just like.

idk.

i was worried about something

and then it just became this general block in my mind where i was like “i cannot think about this or it will be Bad”

ohhhhhh this is what my therapist was talking about

anywa

its like

dont read this

i guess

idk

um.

yeah.

i guess one thing im always worried about is that i have no fucking clue what im doing and ill mess up or just not be good enough and you

wont like me anymore?

im

fairly certain its irrational 

its just

constantly lurking in the back of my mind

well theres 

a million things lurking in the back of my mind and maybe its just cuz time is moving and things are getting closer and suddenly theres bootcamp and the con and schools starting

and im just

worried that im going to do something wrong. and. mess up and. fuck my entire life over?

im scared of losing friends but also id rather die than talk to them, yknow?

i dont know

im scared of letting my impulses and intrusive thoughts get the better of me and ill cut someone off that i shouldntve and lose all my friends or god forbid make them choose between me and the other person

and im scared that they might choose me.

i dont know

im sorry.

i should. delete this before you come back.

knowing me ill forget and keep writing like an absolute dumbass so

why even try

idk.

im

gonna go get a bandaid.