#im constantly worried theres something wrong with me

[nururu]

the amount of times I've been (rudely) made fun of for using 3in1 makes me so mad every time I think about it.... bc like........ predatory capitalism will get you around every corner. I can't just be myself and be happy about it. tv, books, ads, family, friends, etc. everywhere you go. everyone's been brainwashed into thinking buying stuff and doing what rich ppl say makes you better. like idk I'm sorry but I TRULY do not care about materialism or looks. attractiveness to me, comes from confidence and a kind personality. it has nothing to do with how anyone looks, or what they buy and have. doing stuff to make YOURSELF happy is amazing. doing stuff to make a point to others that you're better than them.... idk man... seems like a waste of time trying to fill a pot that has a leak and could fully break at any time.

[lvvgyu]

Stay for me..? C.bg x you

warning ⚠️⚠️

🔞!! toxic!gyu, obsessive!gyu, gyu masturbates infront of reader twice. Pillow humping, panty sniffing. Yknow, all the shit in a stalker fic! Theres hardly an ending to this but its been in my drafts so long that I just needed to get it out, prolly will make a part two just say the word! 😉😉

Beomgyu didnt understand how you could just ignore him.

At first, the calls were normal. He’d call during your lunch break to make sure you ate, text if you ended up when working long nights to say goodnight and encourage you to get your work completed.

A few months into the relationship there was a sudden change. Beomgyu couldn’t stop messaging you constantly, calling you, and berating you about who you were with, how long you would be there..When you’d come back to him..

He’s just showing you that he loves you, why would you get mad at that?

But are you even mad? He’s not sure, he’s just assumed that since you haven’t texted him or called him back, you’re mad. God, he wants to hear your voice again.

His calls are one after another. Why won’t you answer him? Did you find someone better? You can’t leave him..He loves you so much, and you love him! So why are you doing this to him?..

“baby?..Why didn’t you answer my calls? I’ve been texting you all night, are you okay? Did something happen?” His voice is laced with worry.

You glance at the phone and start to respond, watching the traffic light turn to green.

“I’ve been busy at work, Gyu..I’m sorry I couldn’t answer, I was jus-“

“You’re on your way home right? I want to see you so bad, I was so worried..” He says, the worry in his voice not even slightly gone. You grip the wheel tighter and sigh quietly.

“Yea, Gyu..I’m on my way…” You say gently. You wish he would calm down a bit, he’s making it seem like you’ve been gone for days.

He speaks again, his voice softer this time.

“Are you mad at me?..” Even though he decided to ask, his guts twist at the suspense of what you’ll say. What if you are mad at him? He just wants to be good for you, he wants to be yours and he wants you to be his!

“No..Gyu, baby I’m not mad..” You say, looking at the time and then glancing ahead at the road.

“Yeah you are..” He says gently

“I-I just want you here, I need you..I really need you..” As the words fall from Beomgyu’s mouth, you can hear how slurred they are. And you figure that he’s worked himself up so much that he can barely speak coherently.

“Gyu, I’m almost home. We can talk about this, yeah? I have to hang up but, im not m-“

“You don’t even wanna talk to me?…What did I do? Did I say something wrong? I-im just worried about you and that..that guy, Yeonjun or whatever..You’re always with him and then..you come home, like you’re angry at me..”

You don’t respond, trying not to fuel his anger anymore. When you hear his sniffles and hear shuffling, you decide to hang up.

He calls back immediately, spamming you with text messages and begging for you to call him back. To stay, to be with him for just a bit longer. He needs you, that’s what he always says.

The car ride lasted about 5 more minutes, and when you reached for keys to the front door Beomgyu had already opened it.

“Baby! I missed yo-“

“Gyu..I need to talk to you…”

Beomgyu still doesn’t understand. A break? Why would you want to take a break from him?..You love him, so why would you ask for a break?

“No..no, no you can’t do that..” He moves closer to you quickly. Trying to grab your hands.

“Gyu, I love you. You know that, but all of this is overwhelming..” You say, kissing his hands gently.

He shakes his head, searching for your gaze with his own teary eyes.

“But I NEED you..” He whispers.

After moments of silence, there’s a soft rustling sound and frantic movements made by Beomgyu. When you look up, you see him removing his clothes. He wipes his tears and sniffles as he grabs your hands again.

“Let me show you! I can be good, I’m worth it I promise.. I’m-..I…” He stops once he sees your worried expression. Not frightened, at least not visibly.

“I’m leaving for now..I need time to think…”

Beomgyu watches you leave, wanting his tears to stop you somehow. When he sees that you’re actually leaving, he’s already trying to find a way to make you come back to him..

You were pleasantly surprised by how distant you two were becoming. No more constant calls from Beomgyu, or text messages.

Until one day.

When you received a video from Beomgyu titled “come back :((?” You were beyond confused. He hadn’t texted you in days, never called, and it was refreshing.

Opening the file, you didn’t expect much. But as Beomgyu came into screen and fixed the camera, you were utterly confused.

“I miss you baby…I know you miss me too..” He says softly, His hand moving away from the camera as he gets comfortable on the bed. He pouts softly as he looks into the camera.

“I know you’ll come back, you always do..” He says softly as his fingers come up to rub his nipples.

You always loved how sensitive they were, and how his body would react. Beomgyu let out soft moans and tilted his head slowly, moving his hand down his body gently.

You want to turn it off, to tell him that he’s gone too far this time. But..

He looks so pretty, and you know it just for you. His legs are spread perfectly infront of the camera, his hair falling onto from his forehead. Just slightly covering his pretty eyes.

Beomgyu grabs something from off of screen, a pair of your panties. He gently takes them and brings them up to his nose, taking a gentle whiff.

You should be disgusted, really..Hes jerking off infront of you, using your panties to get off.

But you aren’t disgusted..in fact, you’re turned on.

Beomgyu pants gently, sniffing the panties as he jerks off.

“I love you..I love you, i just want you to come back..I-I need y..” He can hardly continue to speak, stroking his cock faster and faster.

His hips thrust up constantly, and he grinds against his palm. “Please, want you to come back..just want you-“

Beomgyu whines in frustration, every attempt at trying to get off comes to no avail..Because its not you..Its not you stroking his cock, its not you silencing his moans because hes always a bit too loud.

Tears brim in his eyes as he pulls his hand away from his cock. He whimpers and reaches for your pillow behind him, slowly shifting and straddling the pillow.

As you watch, your gaze falls onto the way his hips thrust, desperate and needy. Normally, you’d be there to soothe him. But now, all you can do is watch.

“Y-y/n..” He whines gently, thrusting onto your pillow. Beomgyu tilts his head back, finally finding some relief after all these tries to cum.

And for some reason, you turn off the video there…

You immediately open up your text messages and stare at his contact, attempting to find something to say.

But, you leave it at that. Turning off your phone and sliding it to the side. Of course Beomgyu wouldn’t let this break happen…

Guess the break’s ending already, hm?

[pinkpigtailsprincess]

𝜗𝜚 ݁ ˖ The Advice Column Issue No.1 ; How to deal with fake friends while balancing school life 🎀🧁

Hii Dolls!!!⭐️ This is officially the first issue of my Brand new segment The Advice Column!!!! and i chose the topic fake friends bc as someone who’s had an alarming amount of fake friends in the past i can definitely give endless advice in this topic and its a collab with the @honeytonedhottie !! bc i thought she could also give so really good advice!!🎀⭐️

Are you struggling with keeping up in your studies? worried if your friends are talking behind ur back? Stressed? Feeling like school and socials are just to much??? DONT WORRY!! Dolly n Honey are gonna save the day!! 🎀⭐️

Section 1 ; Honey!!🍯

how to balance ur school and social life (in bullet points) !! 🎀🧁

- make a list of priorities and stick to it like its a handbook

- practice saying no to events and saying no to excessive studying, the key is to find an equilibrium

- combine social and academic events

- make sure to use ur time wisely and do whats important first, so that then u can have loads of time for ur social life!

Section 2 ; Dolly! 🎀

No.1 ; Stand up for yourself!! ⭐️

if ur so called “friend” is constantly make smart remarks about you,scrutinizing you for the smallest thing,being passive aggressive or really just trying to hurt your feelings always stand up for yourself and never let insult like that because that shows that you have no self respect and then they’re gonna just keep doing it set clear boundaries and don’t be a doormat never let this person/people walk all over you , if you didn’t appreciate something they said don’t take shit from them address and make sure it never happens again

No.2 ; spotting a secretly fake friend⭐️!

now there’s obviously “friends” that you can spot from a mile away that they’re definitely toxic but theres also a certain type of friend that could be the sweetest to ur face but secretly talk shit behind ur back and its honestly not that hard to spot one of these “friends” so here are some characteristics of ‘the secretly fake friend’

- never sticks up for you

- constantly lying

- at time can be very passive aggressive

- will tell you that someone was talking about you and not defend you at all

- will make you feel like a bad friend even if they’re wrong in the situation

- if you’ve ever confronted them on their behavior and they say they’re sorry but then repeats the same actions

- lets their other friends talk shit about you

- HUGE VICTIM COMPLEX!

these kinds of fake friends are tricky bc you really can’t spot them at first and then it can be harder to cut them off which brings me to my next point

No.3 CUT THEM OFF !!⭐️

listen i know its hard to let go of these people at first im mean I’ve had to do it multiple times but i swear it gets sooo much easier to not have these people in ur life its way better to have no friends than a bunch of friends thats secretly hate you don’t stay caught up on toxic people like this its a waste of ur own peace and well being , block them,stop following them,stop talking to them have NOTHING to do with these people/person

No.5 ; Ur not special !!

now this title is a bit alarming but what i mean by that is if you have a friend that’s constantly talks down about people for no reason whether it be their friends or someone they know and im not talking about the standard gossip talk bc tbh everyone gossips but im talking about like drags them through the mud calls them mean names and purposefully spreads rumors about other people they’ll do it to do you as well ur not special i doesn’t matter what this person is telling you they’ll talk about any and everyone it doesn’t matter people like this do not care

No.4 ; Being Un-phased !! ⭐️

now after you cut them off either gonna

A. make it seem like they’re innocent and have been nothing but nice to you and try and make you feel bad

B. Act like theirs beef when in reality theres not they just want a reason to start a problem

C. to the standard mean girl remarks side eyes,whispers,random pointing and slightly laughing, or even in some cases talk loudly about you but indirectly

now in any of these situations never let it bother you show no reaction these kinds of people feed off ur fear of them shows no reaction when it comes to things like this and you can also do it back side eye them back,give them weird looks back now im definitely not saying be just like them but play their game don’t let disrespect like this slide and i know how hard it can be especially since these are people ir support be close with but i promise making friends that actually care about you is WORLDS BETTER!!! you’ll have such a peace of mind and being able to make friend that actually care about you is such a freeing feeling!!!!

Reminders!!! 🎀🍯

- they’re opinions don’t matter

- these people are no above you in any way shape or form

- stress is normal don’t let it get to you !!

- you deserve much better friends

- it normal to feel sad after cutting them off

- this person/these people don’t deserve you!!!

- you got thiss!!!

[karin-miyoshi]

Do you think yuyuyu is ableist?

sheesh, talk about a loaded question

definitely opens up a lot of rabbit holes. ill give my opinion, but note im not the most educated on the subject itself so giving a definite answer is outside my scope.

ill put a read below, but for me, i personally think it isnt, but can be easily misinterpreted as is on a surface level.

tldr, ableism is discrimination towards those with disabilities.

the character in question most of the time when it comes to these topics is tougou, who uses a wheelchair in season 1 due to losing function in her legs. there are never any distasteful jokes made about this, and the show constantly shows various handicap friendly services throughout the show. something even more surprising is that these are never the core focus of the scene or pointed out, its always well integrated into the world as if it were normal (important).

just skimming through s1, we have:

wheelchair assistance integration for both cars and stairs

special swim courses for the disabled, not separated from the rest of the class

beach wheelchairs and separate assistants

now while we can assume a lot of these were due to her previous service as washio sumi, i dont think that would really be fair to the production team putting these in, and it really feels like theres a lot more heart than "yeah we put these for the big shock value realization later on". even after regaining function in her legs near the end of the season, tougou's priority was always towards yuuna and her recovery.

onto the next topic, which is the show taking away and then returning these characters functions throughout. whats important to consider here is what is considered tragic, is it the characters living without these certain functions, or is it the act of losing these functions themselves?

"It'll definitely improve. I mean, we haven't done anything wrong." (Fuu, s1ep9) again, no distasteful jokes made about their disabilities, and fuu even plays it off with her sick eyepatch. her worries instead stem from the loss of itsuki's dream, in the form of her no longer being able to sing. thats the key factor here, being punished for doing what is right, losing the ability to do what you could do before, losing the memories of the time you spent with your friends. (thats another thing i see with a lot of these arguments, they always bring up physical disabilities, but ive never seen one actually talk about ones regarding memory, arguably the most precious thing to them). tougou flat out doesnt remember sonoko at all despite being comrades in arms before, and understandably freaks out that the same might happen with her and yuuna.

now, understandably, the ending to s1 seemed super rushed, and them getting their bodily functions back seemed rather sudden. this put a lot of people off, and was really only explained in s2, which many didnt watch.

people should be allowed to grieve if they lose something important to them, and should be allowed to be happy if they get it back. personally, i dont think people realize the weight of their words when they say, "oh i wish karin wouldve stayed deaf, itd be really cool to see the club members learning sign language for it" or "yuuna in a wheelchair was really cute, i wish we saw more of it." yeah its a cool idea i guess, maybe something to see while theyre stil recovering, but forever? in a chase to see more representation, i hope they realize what they are wishing onto others eventually (even if fictional). while many with disabilities are satisfied with their life, they should be able to wish for better if they wanted to, its not like theyd wish their circumstances on anyone else, right? shouldnt the same apply here, to the girls who've actually lived both with and without disabilities?

just my two cents, hope this wasnt too hard to read! theres a lot more i could write up, especially regarding sonoko, but thats a whole other discussion i should probably save for another time

[fujii-draws]

so the dusknoir fic has not left my head since morning and im gonna make it your problem /j.

i like to think that a reason as to why dusknoir was having such a crisis when parental instincts kicked in is because theres still a lot of baggage to unpack when coming to terms with what he had done, and how he sees bits and fractions of it in the current day with aimilios and ribbons.

ribbons decides to relax on his plumage collar thing? instant flashback to back when she was but a teeny tiny eevee, and he was the great adorement in which she so willingly and delightfully looked up towards. back when he chose to play along.

aimilios holds his hand close, and just yammers on about whatever it is that happened in his day? instant flashback to back when the boy was but a timid riolu, not wanting to bother/be of inconvenience to someone like dusknoir, to the point where he didn't believe that dusknoir *should.* back when dusknoir was so caught up in playing House with these two, that he might have just felt a pinch of guilt to what he was about to do next. *might*.

the kids are justifiably worried about him, and actively wish for to be better because they care? instant flashback to the time where the same had happened, and look what became of that.

every action, every gesture of kindness, any word of appreciation is rooted in such turmoil. a voice that constantly beckons and taunts him with how all this could have been possible before if he was not such a *coward.* if he wasn't so caught up in his own fear and self preservation, he could have been someone else, someone whos atonement isnt holding him by the neck like a dog.

in short terms, dusknoir doesn't believe himself to be their father because there is no way he deserves to be called as such. a father loves his children, a father proves to be trustworthy and caring, a father will do everything to ensure the safety of his kids, and even if he *does* prove all those beliefs to be true, does that ever change the volume of the echo that those six dreaded words he uttered to be any lower? does that make his hands any less stained?

i could be wrong, so correct me if i am. very eager to see the epilogue.

NO YOURE ABSOLUTELY ON THE MARK. Hell I’m pretty sure I said the same thing but in the form of a shitty discord screenshot 😭

BUT YEAH. He’s already grateful for the fact that they’d re-invited him into their lives even after everything. And those two being ‘teammates’ is enough for him. He can’t be selfish or overstep boundaries in his eyes (or singular eye). He’ll find himself cradling/hugging those two and think ‘hm. Something a father would do. I should stop.’ Unable to hear Ribbons and Aimilios’s confused whimpers towards why he let them go and left.

He’ll teach Aimilios via reading until the boy’s fallen asleep and he drapes the Lucario with his cloak. He’ll allow Ribbons to stay wrapped around his neck for as long as she wishes. Smiling softly whenever she begins to groom/lick his face. So it’s no surprise why Dusknoir’s mind just glitches to go after those two.

[mattisthehottest]

Things I would do for you

pairing: bf!Matt x Y/n

Warnings: Fluff, fighting (not with y/n), rumors, minor cursing, NOT PROOFREAD

word count: 500+ I think 😭

Summary: What your boyfriend does for you when he hears the rumors being spread about you.

a/n: I basically dreamed about this.

○---------‐------------------------------------------------○

● Y/n POV ●

I walk in the school, arm in arm with my boyfriend, Matt. People look and started whispering. Matt notices this and furrows his brows at me. "What are they talking about, Y/n?" I look and see them staring at me in disgust. "I'm going to class, Matt." I slip my arm from his and run quickly to the bathroom.

Some girls walk in after me. "I can't believe Y/n would do something like that." One girl says, and the other two agree. "It's going to be really sad when Matt finds out." The blond one to the other two. I wait for them to leave before walking out the bathroom stall. "What were they talking about?" I mumble to myself.

○○○

The whole day went by with people staring at me and whispering. Matt started to get worried. Speaking of Matt, where is he? We normally meet by the lockers before going to science. I'll text him.

To My Matty:

baby, where are you??

I wait a few minutes, and he still doesn't respond. He didn't even open it. What is he doing? Is he too busy for me? Maybe he's jus-, my thoughts get interrupted by some people shoving past me. "Hey," I stop a kid running through the crowd. "What's happening?" The kid quickly says "Theres a fight!" The kid continues running through the crowd. A fight, who's fighting? Maybe I'll find Matt.

○Matts POV○

"I'm going to class, Matt." Y/n says as a lot of people look at her and start whispering. I watch her slip out of my arm and disappear into the female bathroom. I turn to see everyone sighing and whisper, but before I can ask around, the bell rings.

As I sit in class listening to the teacher, my mind drifts to this morning. why were they all staring at her and whispering? Did she do something wrong? I continue to drift farther into thought. "Matt! Matt!" Chris whisper to me. I look up to him, pushing my thoughts to the side. "Dude, were you sleep or something? Class is over." I look around the class to find only me, Chris, and Nick in the room. "Sorry."

○○○○

I angerily walk up to Jake and grab his shirt collar. "The hell did you spread that rumor about y/n for?" I basically yell in his face. "Woah dude, let's not get to angry now." He says with a grin. "Who said it was me?" He pushes me back a little.

It's been bothering me all day that everyone keeps staring and whispering about y/n. Maybe I should look around. Something gotta point it. the way of the reason

○30 minutes later○

I found nothing. Im in the bathroom washing my hands when I hear some boys talking. "I might need y/n to give me some if Jake says she's that good." The boy with the blonde hair says. The othe boys laugh. I furrow my brows as I walk to them. "What did you just say?" The boys gulp in fear.

I walk out the bathroom, feeling my phone vibrate. Remembering what the boy in the bathroom said, "Jakes been going around telling everyone that y/n's been secretly seeing him behind your back!" He rushes the words out of his mouth. My nostroils flare in anger.

That led me to this point. On top of Jake punching him in the face. Over and over again. Everyone surrounding us and recording it. Everyone cheering, "Fight! fight!" I ignore everyone and everything around me. My anger gettung the best of me as I feel my phone vibrate constantly in my pocket. I completely ignore it feeling Jake throwing punches back. "Stop, please!"This is the last thing I hear before i get knocked out.

~•Y/n's POV•~

I quickly follow the crowd of people. Finding a ring of people trying to get a good view and recording of the fight. I try pushing my way through to the crowd of people.

When I make it to the front of the crowd, I find my boyfriend and Jake throwing punches at each other. I need to stop him before someone gets hurt! "Stop, please!" I yell out right as Matt gets knocked out. I quickly run to my boyfriends limp body on the floor.

○○○○

I wait next Matt, holding his hand. I see him slowly open his eyes. "B-babe?" I quickly shush him. "Baby, rest, you were just knocked out." He looks around my room. "We're at your house?" he asks in a barely audible voice. I smile gently at him, giving him a kiss in the cheek. "Yes, baby." He hums gently while closing his eyes.

I walk into my room with a sandwich in one hand and orange juice in the other. "Baby, I brought you food." He sits up with a wince. "Thanks, love." He says as he takes a bite from the sandwich and smiles. "Is it good?" He looks up at me. "mhm" I smile.

I sit on a chair beside my bed. "Why did you do it?" He shifts on the bed and looks away. "Matt." I say sternly and he doesn't answer. "Matthew Bernard." He looks at me. "He was telling lies about you." I frown "Baby, that doesn't mean go beat people up for me." He looks at me and smiles. "You don't know all the things I would do for you." I smile and kiss his lips.

After I clean up the mess, I turn on a movie and snuggle I bed next to Matt. "Your taking such good care of me." Matt says facing me. "I have to, whi esle would if I didn't?" I chuckle. "I love you, y/n." He pulls the cover over us both and wraps his arm around me. "I love you too, Matty." He leans his head down and kisses my lips.

This boy doesn't have the slightest idea what I would do for him as well. But maybe neither of us knows hiw much the other will do for them

I lay me head in his chest as we watch the movie and smile. He smiles looking down at me. "Soemeones happy." I nod my hair. "Because you did it for me." He chuckles, "Anything and everything for you."

a/n pt2: I don't know if i like the ending 😭

Idk if you guys wanted to be tagged, but you encouraged me to post:

@y0urm4m @sturniolovsp @patscorner @sturniolosmind

[sad-leon]

Hello! I hope you're having a good day!

So many people in my life seem to be going through something right now, and I just wanted to give you an opportunity to share anything you might be going through. Good or bad, as specific or as vague as you're comfortable with. Or feel free to ignore if you'd rather not. No pressure at all!

I hope things are going well for you! But if not, I'll be sending prayers your way if you're comfortable with that!

I am... not.

and i haven't for a long time

I'll preface this entire post with a warning: THIS IS A VENT POST the only tags will be trigger warnings

I thinks i've said it once or twice, but I started school this year. This is my first year in college after taking a gap year and also telling everyon i wasnt gonna go. I know jack shit about what im doing and its fucking exhausting. Theres so many things that i feel like I should know but dont because all the college information given out in my highschool was geared toward the college in that town specifically, which is not the college im going to.

I've also moved. im entirely on my own, physically and financially. I just met with my job and am starting very soon which is not good because my sleep schedule is all wrong. I may be switching jobs soon, but i can't just quit becuase, like i said, im on my own.

and those are only the big two. lets speedrun this. my anxiety, my autism, i need new glasses, my feet hurt more than i think they should, im a system, my eating disorder, my aversions that make it hard to drink the water up here, the burnout, the exhaustion, executive dysfunction, i also likely have adhd which mean rsd. im touch starved and touch adverse

those are just what i can think of off the top of my head

but all of this had been leading to what might be a pretty nasty breakdown and soon.

im so fucking tired all the time and that makes it hard to draw, but thats one of my only ways to relax. i like playing mc, but i get bored easily and also i cant sit at my desk for long becuase it feels like my head is too heavy for my neck. it hurts. everything hurts and my job doesnt help me at fucking all.

i was able to draw tsob while dealing with most of my issues becuase all i had to worry about was work. looking at my current schedule, i can find the free time. the issue is using that freetime to draw and not just sleep or dissociate. finding home is very dear to me, but drawing it the way i am can be exhausting and i dont want to start hating it, so i just.. dont draw it most days

i stress constantly about how i appear on my blog becuase i want so badly to do this right. i want to be good at something, like, as a person, not just as an artist. but i hate myself too much to believe in any progress i make.

i know its the rsd mostly but i see groups and i feel gross. its not as bed now (any of you beans that have made it this far, ily /p) becuase i found a community i can actually interact with, but it still comes up, especially because i've moved away from all my irl friends and its so fucking hard for me to make them in the first place. like.. actual friends, not just people i can work with at school

if i keep going i'll probably talk myself in circles, so ill stop it here. theres a lot more but im not going to ramble about my suicidal, intrusive, or sh thoughts on this blog. this is a post to inform you guys of the state of mind im in. im lonely and sad and its all building up to a massive breakdown.

im not going to be leaving tumblr or giving up on my comic, but i probalby wont update as often as i did tsob. i just dont have the energy.

i also will probably post some of my traditional art cuz i gotta fill up a sketchbook for my animation class, so that also takes away from the time i use to draw digitally.

im so tired

[midnightmisadventures]

So this time we’re on our way home, i see he doesnt have any gas, so i say “you can stop here for gas” he pulls into the station and its dystopia city lol. Theres homeless people with broken limbs begging for help. Theres.....scary shit. So he goes ya know lets just get out of here.

So we’re driving and he’s being such a bad driver, constantly almost crashing. But we’re laughing about it. Then we’re holding hands, flirting, flirting. Massaging eachothers hands, being such a couple.  

And then he pulls my hand up to his mouth and i think he’s gonna kiss it. But instead he takes my two fingers (pointer and middle) and puts them in his mouth. And now its like.....hot. 

Like when i tell you i was turned on I WAS. So im playing into it, basically fingering his mouth. This is so graphic, but i can feel myself getting wet. He’s still driving but the sexual tension is building. Then he SLAMS into the break sort of. Pulls over. Idk if we home but i didnt care. He’s like...ready to fuck. So he stops the car. Pushes the seat all the way back and lowers it, and i get on top of him soooo ready lmao. I also still know this is a dream, so i dont have any nerves im just excited. Btw im wearing my yellow dress i wore to lias party. 

Anyway, now im on top of him, and i go in and kiss him but then notice. THeres puke everywhere. Like puke and drool coming out of his mouth, puke on his shirt, puke on the dash. And im confused?? And im like “uhh maybe like wipe your mouth or spit into something first” and im trying to look around for a napkin and not make him feel too embarrassed bc ew i just kissed his wet puke lips. 

THEN, the cops....or the town orderlies idk dystopia. Knocks on his window like get out whats going on, we need to search him. SO i quickly get off his lap lol back into the passenger. And the cops are like “what the fuck is going on” they didnt have any specific reason....idk it was confusing. So we were both changed out of our “school” uniform. And i think mark starts explaining to the guy that we’re on our way back from school. And hes like “yea i need proof of your uniform. preforably a clean one” so he’s looking and then the cops start searching his car and filing a report. And for some reason i was so confused as to where the puke came from and when it got there. 

So i was like “i dont understand was that ur puke” and he was like “yea it was me, i slammed on the breaks and boom threw up” and then i realize and am like “OH NO was it my fingers, did i gag you omg im so sorry” also being kinda cute about it. Like babe was it my sexy fingers teasing you?? And hes into it he’s like NO don’t apologize. Your fingers did nothing wrong, i wouldnt take that back, like i’d throw up 10 more times if it meant we got to be hot and tease eachother. So its kind of a cute funny moment, and i did like him, and i did want to kiss him more. But i just started looking around lol. The cops were here, we werent home yet. We had dystopian highschool again tomorrow lmao. I was like, this isnt worth it. This is a dream i should just cut out. Cause this can only get scarier, and what if i get in a situation where im stuck or in a scream proof room. I should just get out while i know i can, i dont feel like dealing with the authority in this dream world. 

So i leave marks side, go behind the car, and scream my lungs out. Literally it took all my might, i was worried it wouldnt work. Then i ended up in the “fake wake up” dream. And then i actually woke up.

Wasnt that a weird dream?

[frostyspinch]

just realised aside from the people i knew during my teen years who i later rekindled with ive only made 2 new friends in the years after 2018. its either others who dont stick aroudn or i dont...mostly due to me feeling like the friendship wont progress so its better to snip it in the bud (ive misjudged severely once) why cant i ever have a finely distributed two way reciprocated friendship where the timing favors us both and the circumstances are perfect and nothing ever gets in the way. and work takes 2 hours of the day. and mentall illness doesnt exist

im upset over this in a way it feels like im losing my time? my socialising abilities/my mental capacity to allow someone into my life and reconstruct my living rules are slowly decreasing, my brain plasticity over this kind of thing isnt the same as it used to be. like im starting to see the point in remaining to myself for the rest of my life. im terrified of reaching a point where i stop needing others, which is the moment i get separated from the human race. as relieving as it is, i really do want closeness like any other mortal. however, being the way i am right now takes far less work than to entirely change the life i knew til now. but when i see others and how easy it is for them to socialise i grow bitter a little bit. long stretches of aloneness truly turns u into a self-fulfillingprophet... ive been alone so im unfamiliar w the dynamic of NOT being alone and so i choose to stay alone some more . something something comfort of misery my most loyal beloathed friend etc. kills myself

theres a huge risk in meeting new people for me.. i think with those who i knew since i was very young every rekindle feels familiar, like im merely returning home to some new furniture but the buildings structure is the same so ik my way around. theyll always be people who i will know how to act around without being on edge or without the background reminder that i need to hide parts of myself. so even as we changed throughout the years their newly acquired layers didnt feel threatening, but rather like a story to catch up with of my favorite book series. new friends are just scary. u know nothing and there is no foundational ground set between you two, especially when you have autism im constantly worrying whether i understood their tone right or whether they got insulted by mine , its just a lot. we live in a world where even normal people find it difficult to make friends, so this discourages me even MORE ...

many will say not knowing a thing about a person is the best part bc process of knowing eachother is beautiful and i agree somewhat....but like..... people be lyingggggg bro. truthfulness is scarce nowadays. we live in peak lying era

theres the part of how deeply wounded almost every single person is. heartbreak of varying types accumulating the older u get, thus making u more suspectible to succumb to harmful sabotiging behavior, unless u get a good grip of the way ur mind works from a younger age and keep it in check. which i feel like most dont have the luxury to do. when ur in a bad environment u only ever have enough time to try and survive, and no one can guarantee how altered youll get out of it once u do. so its not only me who could overthink things and come to the wrong conclusion. theres also the other person, its such a delicate situation. and i really dont have it in me for temporary connections and failures and heartbreak and disappointment anymore. im a grown person , me and my homies long for permanence and security now. on one hand u really cant be mad, its an instinctual reaction to defend yourself and protect from hurt but .

.

.

.

.

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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[whitetrashgrandpa]

Also apparently she’s going to have a talk with me about favoritism???? I have no fucking clue. I’m a human being so of course there’s people I enjoy working with more than others but I don’t think I’ve shown anyone favoritism??? We’ll see if that talk ever actually happens. And even though I do think it’s bull shit it’s still making me anxious!!! One thing I liked about this job was I haven’t really felt like I have to worry about if I’m doing the right thing or not but now within the past couple months I constantly feel like I’m doing something wrong and that theres going to be some bullshit “hey team” message after every shift. Like im starting to really dread working here and it’s causing so much unnecessary stress. 

[angelicpersonals]

A personal mini rant

Under the cut is just a small vent. Going through some things lately. I dont recommend having like 28 different friend groups, it sucks. My actual friends please don't read this, this is just to scream into the void at strangers.

Since I got sick like 3 or 4 weeks ago, I dont remember exact timeline anymore. My mental health plummeted faster, it was not the greatest before then and slowly deteriorating but it got worse worse worse. I have not had the support I needed from family or friends. Lets be clear I "make a lot of friends" but its mostly shallow and one sided friendships. Its "easy for me to talk to people" because I force myself to push down the crippling anxiety and I put myself out there as the butt of the joke making a fool of myself PERFORMING to be likeable. I have heard these things repeated to me by 8 different people the last 3 days alone when I was trying to get emotional support for my depression and loneliness. As for those 3 or 4 weeks. I had to be strong and supportive to everyone around me constantly during it even while sick I'd pop online and was helping people in DMs. A few people cared about my physical health. But mental? even fewer. Everyone thinks I have tons of friends that im beloved and have a huge strong support network. I dont. my "support" network consists of a "Well shit that sucks im sorry. So anyways about me-" for 99% of the people in my life. Theres the slim 1% thats actually there. Yet everyone thinks im so popular and lucky acting like I have no problems and if I do complain about problems its not as bad as everyone elses according to so many people and im selfish for even having problems. Im NOT. The "popularity" you see is because im the therapist and comedic f*cking relief. its not genuine support, its not encouragement. "but they react to your stuff with emojiis" Oh WOOOW yes, like they do everyone elses even STRANGERS. that doesnt make me special. "but they complimented xyz" oh so the occasional / rare compliment on somethings visual appeal like how HOT it is, makes it a supportive encouraging friendship that motivates and inspires me and feels good? Shallow temporary praise means NOTHING. Thats NOT friendship. I have to claw tooth and nail for anything in my life even to be included in hang outs. I have to INSERT MYSELF. Im never invited. If I leave a call 99% of the time im not missed or noticed or just get an "oh bye" yet everyone will worry over eachother when others leave saying they will miss eachother, asking if smth is wrong, etc. If I publically talk about my emotions 99% of the time it will be ignored except for the rare person like K, S and R. R who went pep talking EVERYONE one day. K & S who has been there every time I vent publically in my own server. If I vent in private it gets brushed over like "Shit I feel that way too, sucks for you" or worse I've gotten "you're so selfish" lately when I have said I didn't want to play a damn VIDEO GAME because I am mentally unwell. I will drop everything im doing and go through everything step by step with people pull out all my experiences to try to offer advice or support trying to find the right words to say taking it serious EVERY TIME. Does that sound like a fair equal friendship? When im supporting everyone elses emotions, mental health, dreams, art, writing, etc and I recieve 1% of that same energy back? Dont come @ me with how lucky I am says I get everything in life when I get ONE GOOD THING, I hear it EVERY time where as for me its a REPRIEVE from all the shitty things a RARE reprieve. I have heard this from too many people the past few days. Being in 25k debt as a household isnt lucky Getting to see 10 - 20$ of my 100$ a month isn't lucky. Getting 1k a YEAR isn't lucky Having breaking down old shit being unable to repair, afford to repair or afford to replace any of it, isn't lucky. Having to put in so much effort and energy into everything all the time in every aspect of my life even my family relationships, with no to miniscule and rare return, isn't lucky. Having constant disabilities and chronic illnesses / inherited illnesses fucking me up every single day and struggling through them isn't lucky. Im tired of feeling invalidated and minimized and having my pain ignored. Sincerely Fuck you K#2. A, P, R.

[dorkass-nerd]

it fucking sucks being disabled (mutual aid links at the end)

i'm so fucking sick of it.

i'm sick of the medical negligence i face on the regular

i'm sick of the amount of doctors i see year in year out

last year i saw (and i counted) 12 different doctors in around a 3 month period.

i've already lost count of the amount of times i've seen doctors this year

from speciaists, to normal planned doctors appointments, to emergency doctor appointments for constant and reoccuring issues that spring up out of seemingly nowhere and leave me crippled with pain.

i dog ear every page in my journal i keep to log all my medical issues

and i have a week-per-page diary

and about half of the pages are dog eared. i've just added a new dog ear and have another doctor appointment in a weeks time

i have almost no dignity left

i've been exposed in front of so many strange people, touched in places i never want strangers to touch, and been told again and again that "your bloods are fine theres nothing wrong!" as if bloods are the only way to glean any information on a patient.

a referall for a blood screen seems to have just gotten lost somewhere in the system and i had to wait over a month from booking a seperate blood test to the actual appointment day because walk in bloods are something that conventiently wasn't brought back after the covid scare died down (i know its still an issue i just mean its not cared about as much in places)

im working on a timer here, i want to emigrate, i want to leave this country that is actively harmful to my health and wellbeing.

i want to tie up as many loose ends as i can before i leave.

but the system is working against me, constantly, all the time

when i start to get somewhere with a doctor they leave and i have to start all over again with a new doctor. and recount my entire medical history because they don't have time to even skim my notes because of how swamped the system is.

the doctor im seeing now has been an immense help, and im glad to be finally getting somwhere but my g-d

i've fought tooth and nail for every inch of ground i've gained.

it shouldn't be like this.

for anyone

please do not worry about me when i say this, i am not suicidal, i would not kill myself. but i have reached the point in my disabilty journey where if death came to claim me i would welcome it with open arms and say "hey, you fucking took your time, lets get going, bags are already packed"

and please, before anyone comes in here and tells me i need to be grateful because i have free healthcare or whatever, i fully fucking recognise that, and i am grateful for it

but please

i need you to acknowledge

i can be grateful for a system but still critisise it

i can be grateful for a system but still critisise it

i can be grateful for a system but still critisise it

those two things can and do coexist.

but i guess on the other side of it if you want to help a bitch out in accumulating savings to get the hell out of here i'll drop links, help is much appreciated and i love you all <3

[forfuckssakejim]

Fanfic Q&A - Latest Fic Edition: 4

4. What’s the most challenging part about posting new/updated work? Do you find posting stressful or invigorating? 

writing and posting is stressful but invigorating, then it drops back down to stressful.

below the cut cuz uh, this got away from me and im in a weird headspace rn

like, im constantly stressing that all the work would be for nothing. or the idea sucks. or its not good enough. and like, i see those fics get fandom wide traction and im like 'i want that'. but in a roundabout way where I know it'll never happen and i build the fics up in my head and then thats where the stress comes in because I KNOW i shouldn't worry what others think of my writing and i write for me. but like, it's SO STRESSFUL when like you see your fics do poorly? like. for example, my nsfw version of EAS, it got over a thousand hits and 98 kudos! which like! that in its self should be good! but really its only 6.8% of kudos to hits. and then on top of that theres 8 comments, half of which are my own in responding to people. so 4. 4 comments. and don't get me wrong!!!! i love them!!!! and its always to same lil batch of people and god i love those readers who comment on all my stuff!!! don't get me wrong!! it just. idk.

like i know ao3 ettiquete and stuff is like "kudos are nice!!! it means someone likes it!" but like? idk. like i see it more as 'oh, a thousand people clicked it but 93% of them hated it and clicked the back button to find something else. oh? only 98 kudos? they were probably out of pity because it's so bad. and then! oh 4 people commented! they actually liked it. and it's just all the anxiety that goes into barring a part of my soul to people that has me always freaking out and panicking and NEEDING all my fics to be perfect and loved. and it just. it's enough to drive you crazy. and it has.

and then i finish a fic! ya know? and i'm hinting at it all the times and it's amazing! it's my best work! and i get all excited that i'm sharing it but then i'm hitting refresh on my email for the next hour. it's taxing.

but i love writing. i love writing fanfic. and sure i'll never make the fandom favorite that makes it on those "welcome to the fandom; here's our favorite fics" posts, and im okay with that.

[skyeateyourdonuts]

hiii

i ranted about a thing and im reranting here bc there sucked

uh smth womanhood uh right yes okay i am particularly urked about this thing in adulthood and i think also womanhood that is the duplicity of trying to prove competence and trying to make up for lack of competence

for instance the areas these seem to happen are ones around ppl in my life who, while i feel wholly safe admitting my incompetence and confusion, also never expect me to know anything thus. i understand that it can be confusing to decipher then what would be my strengths but if u Know me and ive become comfortable enough to admit incompetence it is bc im trusting u not to steamroll me and to listen to me and understand that i am also a human who does know Some Fucking Things

the other instance, making up for lack of competence, is just trying to survive when i believe theres a lot sitting on my shoulders. i worry that the trust being placed on me has not taken into account that i will mess up or that i may know the exact same amount as them and still expected to do more than my abilities allow.

its hard to feel like ive earned this trust in my competence and ability when in that other instance its constantly being challenged. its hard to feel secure in my decisions in both instances and also to shift between them, as they often feel like two different worlds where the chance at being confronted for malfeasance seems ever present, like its an unknown sea creature hunting me down but only till im too exhausted to swim.

the connection i make to womanhood in this sense is that i see this reflection in other women. a huge aspect of feminism is believing that women are capable of making their own decisions and when women are robbed of that, its painful and ive seen it and experienced it. theres nothing wrong with asking why someone did something but taking the chance to make that decisions away or simply making it for them does not treat them as a person.

another connection that could be made is simply age and experience. older people or more experienced people i think tend to wanna show off what they know or what theyve learned by making these decisions for someone else, maybe showing them smth theyve never known, but isnt it better that they learn it themselves?? its different if its smth that person doesnt mind not making a decision about in comparison to things that may affect their life or expand their Own abilities. u could show off, yes, but isnt it better that they learn on their own?

at this point, i dont think im all that knowledgeable and i dont think im all that experienced. i think i wanna be good and i wanna be smart and try it all, but it is incredibly hard climbing theough the sludge of uncertainty that comes from these experiences. theyre not harrowing or traumatic, i think, but still uncomfortable and repeated times really do feel like sinking into quicksand. but i got it lmao i got a good role model im good i got this anyways bye :3

[worldofroma]

March 21 2023, Tuesday - 9:43

I don’t normally write journals. I hate having to keep up with my life in another form of simply living it. But now that I’ve started my co-op with the paper, I have nothing else to do than this or anaylising every single thing around me for the 40th time this hour. I want to be a writer of some sort when I’m older, I need to be.

I don’t like to be that person who self diagnosis themself to be a manipulative-sociopathic-150 IQ-bad ass who came straight out of an A24 film, but I know theres something going on thats not quite normal.

I don’t have any hobbies. I don’t do shit after school. I don’t even have a job at the moment. All I do is write and write and write about the weirdest, stupidest, saddest, most terrible things I can think of. The one problem I have with writing is designing my own characters. Earlier I mentioned that something was wrong with me, something undefinable, but there is one thing I have that I can guarantee is true. Maladaptive day dreaming. I live in a constant state of fantasy I’ve built since I was just a small kid, picking and choosing characters and plot lines and settings and etc from every piece of media I’ve ever seen. So when it comes to writing, I’m basically just writing fan fiction with my own plot and maybe a few of my own characters, but not many. I find it too much of a hassle to create them on my own, it’s like making your own children right form scratch. Why would I ever want to do that?

Speaking of A24 films, yes this is completely out of order I don’t give a shit, there is one movie of theres thats an absolute master piece and I can understand the main character completely. Pearl. A deranged girl living on an isolated farm in the early 1900’s, fully expecting to become a star in the pictures she sees when she’s able to sneak off to town and see them. Now I’m not saying im a killer or ever will be, but in the sense of wanting to becoming a “star”, I am exactly like her.

Right now, I can’t say my family life is satisfying. As a kid, it was 10x worse than now. I still don’t know the full story between my mother and father nor do I think I ever will, but I have bits and pieces that can give me more than I need. My father is mentally ill with something serious, he’s never been diagnosed to my knowledge but there something wrong with him. He was delusional and constantly making himself into the victim even if he was the one throwing things at my mother or shoving the couch over to toss her off of it while I was right there. From time to time, my mother will ask me if I remember any of this as it happened when I was only 6 years old and younger, but I always say no. I don’t want her to worry about him and what he’s done anymore than she has to. But I remember it all. I remember taking my baby brother to my room everytime I could sense his anger because I knew it would break into a fight and I knew he shouldn’t have to see that. Not as a 1 year old. I remember staying home all day with him while my mother was at work and crying while he slept on the couch all day, and crying even more when he screamed at me for wanting to be with my grandmother instead of him. But I know she wouldn’t ever fall asleep while watching me. I remember sitting on the porch while they fought and watching him leave in a fit of anger, kicking my german shepard right in the face purly because he felt like it. I remember the day we left and how he tried taking her purse and the keys to the car just so he could keep us held in that hell hole he called a home, but we left anyway. That was the last time I saw him. 6 years old was the last time I saw my father, I’m 17 now. My mother fills me in on what he’s been doing. In and out of jail, off and on hard drugs, harrasing my mother just because he wants to. He’s been doing all of this just 7 minutes away from where I live now, and I haven’t seen him once. His family used to continue welcoming us for holidays, playdates with my cousins, and check ups to see how we’re doing. But as time went on, the visits became limited to once every few months, once a year, to none at all. It wasn;t until recently that I figured out how much his family hated my mother, thinking she was the reason he did what he did, but I know that’s not true. My grandmother the most, as she babied her devil of a son and bailed him out of jail with money they didn’t have knowing damn well he’d get himself in trouble only days later every time. Whatever he has when it comes to mental illness was defintelly from her and whatever that is passed down to me. I know it. I hold a grudge against him and his family for what they did to my mother and I, but everyone says I shouldn’t hate him. I shouldn’t hate the man who ruined my life? The man who selfishly filled my childhood with abuse and trauma just because he wanted to? The man who gave me some unknown illness that I surpress everyday in hopes I never end up like him? I’ll hate whoever the fuck I want.

Now I hate to admit what I’m about to say next, but not only do I have daddy issues, I have family issues. Mommy issues, daddy issues, brother issues, the whole package deal.

After we moved away to start a new life without my father, my mother understandably struggled for quite some time to get back on her feet and continue on with her life. We lived in a total of 4 different apartments in the span of 5 years before finally moving into a real house, the same one I live in as I write this. The house I’ve never hated more in my life. Nobody takes care of their spaces, nobody owns up for anything they’ve done or caused, nobody gives a shit about anyone but themselves. It’s a constan disaster in the house whether it’s a pile of clothing sitting on the couch waiting to be folded (it’s been sitting there for 2 weeks), or cans and bottles scattered across the counter along with trash and an endless amount of dishes piling up after a single day I forget to do the dishes. Because of all this, I’ve developed a terrible habit of becoming as careless as everyone else. If I have to do my own laundry, why the hell should I do theirs? If they’re gonna trash the house while I’m away at a friends after leaving it spotless, why the hell should I clean it up? Because of this, it’s somehow rubbed off on my two cats and encouraged them to do the same. I’m the only one who feeds them, gives them water, switch out the litter boxes. So they’re constantly residing in my room and becoming fearful when my mother or brother even glance at them. Wow, the circle of life, eh?

Although I feel bad for my mother and what she’s gone through as well as what she continues to deal with everyday as a single mother, I can’t help but despise the way she raised me. After what happened with my father, something changed within her that I’ll never be able to define due to the fact that I was too young and naive to notice until it was too late. I don’t know if my mother ever wanted to be a mother. But she loves the idea of having a best friend. The only time she’s civil with me is when she’s acting like she’s my age, taking on the persona of a “cool mom”, a cool mom who opens a beer the second she gets home and lounges on the couch until, oh it’s bed time, put the kids to bed to resume my nap in my bed. She gossips with me, but she doesn’t listen to my real problems. She goes shopping with me, but I’ve been paying for my own clothes since I was 11. I never got to truly experience what it’s like to have a mother who loves you unconditionally without being yelled at or shunned or ridiculed. I can’t remember a time she’s ever held me while I cried, I was banished from sleeping next to her after a nightmare when I was 7, and there wasnt a single year that went by she wouldnt say: “You’re 10 years old, you should know how to do this!” “You’re 11 years old, you’re capable of doing it on your own!” “You’re 12 years old!” “You’re 13!” “Your 14!” “15! “16!” “17!”. All I ever wanted was to have support from someone, but that wasn’t made available to me and I was forced to grow up when I was still a child.

My brother and I have never gotten along either. We’re 5 years apart and polar opposites. For his sake, I’ll refer to myself as an emo in this situation because apparently that’s all I am to him. I’ll admit I went through an edgy phase just as every other teenager does at some point in their life, but I never knew that it would define me for the rest of my life, especially knowing it was 4 years ago now. I’m an emo, and he’s an ultimate hick. Greasy, untamed mullet, plaid shirts and jeans for days, cowboy boots that are 3 sizes too big, the whole 9 yards. You may be thinking that our appearances don’t define us and shouldn’t be what keeps us apart, but I can promise you that we live up to the name of our titles. And that means, we don’t get along one bit. The funny part is that I’ve given up fighting and defending myself against him long ago, but that doesn’t matter because since I’m the older sibling, I automatically did something wrong. He’s called me every name in the book, used every embarrassing thing I dwell on everynight before bed against me, makes fun of how I look and act, to the point that to him I’m nothing but insecurity. My mother gave up mothering him long ago when it comes to taking care of him, but continues taking his side on everything he needs her to. Because of how often I reside in my room for obvious reasons, I fail to recognize what the plans are of people in the house and what’s going on with them. Theres been countless times I’ve left for a drink or something to eat just to find my 12 year old brother alone on the couch with his phone in his hand, facing the cushions and becoming one with his social media. I feel awful for him. I’m supposed to be there for him when my mothers not, but communication doesn’t exist in my house which leaves my brother to be on his own much too often. The only problem is how much I hate him. I’ve done everything I can to get along with him during these small spans of time we have to spend time alone together while we wait for my mother to take my place, but it’s insufferable. I can’t go 5 minutes with him without being told I’m stupid, ugly, emo, or simply being told to shut up after I’ve said nothing but “hey”. I’ve told my mother about this before, but she doesn’t intervene. She doesn’t care. I don’t have any other choice but to hate him. He’s never done anything for me thats relatively memorable unless it’s to hurt me in someway and I can’t say I’m a saint because obviously I don’t let everything slide, but I can promise I’d be much kinder to him if he’d show the same respect for me.

I think the real problem is something I can’t put my finger on or give a name to. You know, the funny thing is that I looked just like my mother. I’m practically a younger version of her. But whatever my father passed down to me ruined it all and bled into the rest of my personality, giving me the ability to look at her the same way he did. I’ll never forgive him for that. However, my brother looks just like my dad, indisinguishable, if he doesn’t wear his glasses. My father had the audacity to spread the rumour that my brother wasnt his child when he was born. Anyways. He looks just like my father and has a bit of his rotten personality too, but my mother doesnt care. She only sees the sweetness in him that she saw in my father before he ruined her life. Living in my house is like being apart of a girl trio, theres always a pair of best friends and the others always left out without them even realizing.

Now before you come to any wild conclusions, no I’m not depressed. Yes, I lounge around in my room for majority of the day and isolate myself from others any possible time I can, but I’m an introvert. I don’t wallow around when I’m on my own or lay in a pool of my own tears or wish I was back in my bed when I’m with my friends, I just hate to socialize when I don’t need to. My family life may be unsatisfying, but it’s not depressing. It’s annoying and frustrating and maddening, but not depressing. On another note, I do have anxiety. I have terrible anxiety. If I could read peoples minds, I swear all my problems would be solved. Every second of the day I worry about what I look like, what I’m saying, what I’m doing, how I’m presenting myself, why someone gave me a weird look, how I’m eating my food, was my laugh embarrassing? Does this shirt make me look washed out? Is my face lopsided? Is my hair too short? Does my smile look too big or cartoonish? Did I crack my knuckles too loud? Is my mascara smearing? Why did my throat make that noise? Did anyone notice? They’re definitely thinking about that coffee order I messed up 4 months ago. Ha, that was something that bothered me WAY too much. I was a newly hired barista and working on my own when two girls came in with an order of 5 different drinks, all of which I had no clue how to make yet. I scrambled to make them as good as I could without looking at my phone to seem unprofessional and ended up messing them all up. The cherry on top, though, was how they mentioned these drinks were going to a bride and her bridesmaids as they got ready for their wedding that was taking place that afternoon. Worst of all, when they pointed to the one for the bride, it was the one most terribly made. An iced coffee, coffee that I put a few ice cubes in. I hope that the girls ' wedding went fantastic.

Back on the topic of anxiety, you can see now that my entire life has been overtaken by my thoughts and apperance that no matter how hard I try, I simply can’t berid these awful thoughts. Just another thing to add to the list is how I was diagnosed with scoliosis last year. Now not only am I too skinny, but my curves are uneven and I look like I jumped out of one of those fun house mirrors. Fun.

While I was growing up, I had a friend group of 4 girls. I won’t include their names but we’ll call them Kaily, Hannah, and Kyra. Kyra was my best friend since grade 2, we were inseperable for years. We were so alike my mother often asked how we even got along because of it, but we managed to push our way through elementary school by each others side. Now Kyra and Kaily had known each other much longer than any of us, their mothers were good friends and basically raised their kids together. Eventually, I became friends with Kaily too, but never too close until grade 4 or 5. It was us 3 for a few years and we were still young enough to survive a trio without any of us being left out or feeling like shit around each other, so it went fine. Anyhow, I’m not sure how we became friends but Hannah and I eventually began hanging out all the time and became good friends. And I’m sure the three of them would disagree entirely on this next part but I swear to god I’m the one who bought the group together. I knew all three of them, I always put in the effort to have us together for a weekend or sleepover, and I simply don’t remember it being any other way. But for legal reasons, I could be wrong. The 4 of us were friends all through elementary after that, a good 4 years at least. Kyra and Kaily were a year younger than Hannah and I, but that didn’t matter. Until we got to high school. I’ll admit that as a tween, I had issues figuring out who I wanted to be, how I wanted to act, or what my style was, and I assumed everyone else went through that awkward stage. But as high school approached, it became obvious to me that they thought differently of me. It was almost as if I was an inside joke for them, but I just couldn’t tell. Grade 9 rolled around and I began making new friends, making new groups, reconnecting with the kids I knew from my first school, and finally beginning to feel comfortable with myself. But high school treats kids like me terribly. I said earlier that I was an introvert, but I wasn’t always like that. I used to be the girl everyone wanted to be friends with until I moved. I was creative and funny and always made the best games to play at recess. I found it difficult to find that part of myself again after being bullied, but eventually did in grade 6 or 7. But then COVID hit and gave me no choice but to isolate myself just as puberty was kicking in. Could the timing have been any worse? I tried to become who I was again, but the kids in my classes began to tell me how loud and annoying I was, that I just needed to settle down stop being so “cringe”. That was what ruined me. Quarantine was on and off from there and completely destroyed my ability to interact with others and I basically shut down afterwards. I’ll never be the same person I was then. And of course, that altered the way I was looked at within my friend group of 4. They began to take note of the way I was finally discovering my sense of style and my new personality and they didn’t like it. In my town, if you’re not a walking ad for Lululemon, you’re not cool. So no matter how much effort I put into the 4 of us hanging out together or going out for lunch or having a sleepover, I’d always catch them hanging out without me purposely and “forgetting to invite me”. It made me feel awful about myself and at that point, I had totally forgot how to make new friends. Nobody wanted to be my friend anyways because I was different. I wasn’t a copy and paste of all the other girls around. That is, until I became friends with a girl in my geography of grade 9. To this day, I think we can both agree that we’re the same person in two different bodies. At one point, I had ruined it with my pettiness and naive personality that caused us to fall out for around a year, but we eventually became friends again and we are to this day. And for Hannah, Kyra, and Kaily, well they’re all still friends and I guess we talk time to time but you can tell there’s an unspoken grudge between us that couldn’t be spoken out loud because there would be nothing to say. It’s just there.

There was an instance though that made me lose all respect I had for them in a split second, but still somehow managed to put up with them for a year afterward. It was new years of 2022 and I was finally able to go out and party with them. It was us 4 and another girl, lets call her Myia, and thank the gods Myia was there. She’s a saint, we don’t talk much anymore but I like to think we’re on good terms. I hope so. Anyways, new years 2022, we go to a party 20 minutes from home with a taxi set up to take us there and back. We’d stay a little over an hour past midnight and head back to my house for the night. It would be great, right? Wrong, so wrong. I’ve never had a night go so horribly so fast. We had all bought our own drinks, smirnoff coolers and lots of sour puss, typical teenager drinks, as well as a weed pen. Weed is legal in Canada by the way, legal. SO we get there and realize the party is in the middle of a field. A field. In Ontario. In the midst of the winter. Greaaaat. I did my best to enjoy it and for the most part I did, until I realized that my converse had turned into cinderblocks from the mud encapsulating them and freezing up everytime I went to the bush to pee. It was around 11:30 when I was already on the edge of a black out. I was crossed, cold, and tired out. And at the brink of the night, I dropped my phone on the cement and broke it. A black line covered a fourth of the screen and I knew damn well I wouldn’t be getting a new phone for at least a year until my plan was up. It didn’t take very long for the drinks to go from Linsday Lohan partying and laughing to Lana Del Rey sobbing over everything going wrong. Myia and I sat on the porch of this random guy's house while we tried to find a way home, but it was new years, nobody could drive. So there I was, sobbing my eyes out, drunk, high, cold, with a broken phone in hand and at a house I didn’t even recognize. I thought the second the rest of my group found us, they’d figure out a way to contact the taxi to pick us up and we could head home early. But I couldn’t have been more wrong. As soon as they found us, the first thing I heard was, “Oh my god, I knew this was gonna happen.” I will forever remember those words as I had then realized I had just ruined their New Years and they’ll probably stay mad at me forever. For those of you who’ve seen Euphoria, if you can recall the scene where Cassie threw up all over the hot tub and immediately rambled out a series of apologies while crying her eyes out, then you can perfectly picture what I had become after hearing that. I cried and cried and cried for an hour until the taxi finally came to pick us up and take us home. And if you can believe it, the worst part hadn’t even occurred yet.

The taxi we took was a van, Myia and I sat in the two middle seats while Kyra, Hannah, and Kaily sat in the back row. Hannah will forever deny this but she was notoriously known for throwing up while being drunk. For the entirety of the 20 minute drive, Hannah was in the back seat throwing up into one of the two backpacks we brought to the party. I despise hearing, seeing, smelling, or throwing up myself, so the car ride was absolute hell. Not only that, but I too was known for getting carsick, so for the duration of the trip, I spent it by keeping my head between my legs to avoid looking out the window with my hands over my ears to prevent the sound of Hannah vomiting only a foot or two behind me reminding me of what was going on. 15 minutes pass and we’re finally approaching town. My stomach was not happy with me and I knew the second I got home I’d be glued to that toilet for the next hour throwing up my guts, all I had to do was wait until I got home. I didn’t even have to be inside, I just had to be out of the taxi. The entrance the taxi driver took into town was the worst way he could’ve gone, a twisty downhill drive going at LEAST 120 km. At that point, I had accepted my fate and held my hands over my mouth because at any point this van would become a scene from the exorcist. Thankfully, my house was only a minute or two away from the bottom of the hill and I was so glad to look out the window and see that we were approaching my street. But I swear something possessed me as the taxi driver had said something I couldn’t believe he’d even say.

“I hope nobody’s throwing up back there, this is my bosses vehicle.” All hell broke loose. I actually have no clue how I was even capable of throwing up so much, I’m positive I exploded when I heard him speak. One second, everything was calm and he had finally parked the car, and the next second, an endless amount of liquor and all the food I ate within the last week poured through the cracks of my hands, across my lap, covering the back of the drivers seat, my seat, the ground around me. Absolutely everywhere. All while being parked in my fucking driveway. Best part is, I have a distinct memory of reaching for the other bag to throw up the rest in, but the next morning all I found in the bag was empty cans. There was vomit completely covering the front of the bag, but not a drop inside. That was the last time I ever got drunk and got in a car.

[riotlain]

Bo,jason,micheal, and Bubba with a s/o who's eyes are red like eyebags all the time and it looks kinda normal but they find them crying and thats why they are red all the time and the s/o is making it really dramatic like "your gonna think it's stupid.." or "you won't wanna be with me anymore ☹" and keep them in suspense for a while then tell them and it's just cause something sad like they fav charachter died?

yea anyways

Fem aligned readers dni

Bo Sinclair

When he first started noticing it, it was small stuff

You constantly sniffling or wiping your eyes

You just said it was nothing at first

Cap

He one day walked in and you were balling your eyes out

¨Hey hey! Whats wrong!¨

His first thought was that you were hurt or something

Like bruh what you doin balling

¨Its nothing Bo! You'd think its dumb¨

You say as you are quickly wipe your eyes

He eventually pushes you to talk about it

¨Its just- this character I really like died :(¨

Bo just sighed and tried to comfort you

He eventually got used to your crying but still tried to help you

Now he watches the eye bags under your eyes like a hawk

Jason Voorhees

It was Pam who noticed it first

´Jason Y/n looks a bit… tired´

She cared for you because Jason cared

Jason started noticing how you always wiped your eyes or blow your nose

He would bring it up and it was the usual

¨Its just allergies¨ ¨I'm just a bit cold¨

He believed it kinda

Well til he saw you in the kitchen crying

He automatically feared the worst

Was there an intruder? Did something fall on you? Did you burn yourself???

He would comfort you until you were comfortable talking

¨Jason you´d think its dumb… You wouldn't get it¨

After a bit more reassurance you cracked

¨It's just… I stubbed my toe.¨

…

W h a t

Well he's gonna watch you more closely now

He'd hate to have you cry over something alot worse

Michael Myers

Bruh didnt notice for a hot minute

Like he assumed it was normal for you

Fym it aint??

Anyways

He saw you after a killing spree in the room cryin

He kinda just stood there

Like bruh, you good??

He checked for woons

Well you good lol

¨Hey Michael sorry for makin you worry.¨

He just tilted his head

¨I just tore my favorite shirt¨

Man he dont even care that much

As long as you aint dyin then you good

Bubba Sawyer

He kinda just thought it was your face

Like everyone got sum with them here so he thought that was your thing

Turns out it aint

Nubbins found out first

Bro found you cryin over a book

Then Choptop

Found you crying over a song

Now its Bubba´s turn

When he found you he panicked like shit

Like bro went through every stage of grief

Bro it be the tism

The Autism

He kinda stood around you trying to provide comfort

“Bubba im fine besides you’ll probably find it kinda dumb”

What would make you think that???

Bubba !s a true one he wouldnt find whats makin you cry dumb

“Well theres th!s book i’ve been reading lately… And recently my favorite character got killed off”

Bro he doesnt really get !t

But still he provides comfort as sorts

He lets you go on rants when youre upset??

Man doesnt really know what to do tho-