#im being evaluated for bpd

[anteroom-of-death]

Teacher's Pet part 9

Synopsis: Can lover's fights be resolved quickly? Or does it set up a new game?

A/N: I would like to thank my younger self for being infinitely cooler than I am now. Also the Kendrick Lamarr version of America has a problem. And to my readers. You fuel this beast that is my spiral into madness. Yippee!

The Doctor had to work quickly. He wasn’t about to let (y/n) slip through his fingers.

How much of a miscalculation this was! He thought this experience would further bond her to him. The swoop of glamor, the gravitas.

So many of his past companions followed a script. See the TARDIS, get a chance to save the day. Enter, become his friend and companion. Come to grips with reality and then cling to him as a life preserver.

He mentally cursed himself out. He should have just stuck to his original plan of never telling. Or just casually, maybe after her graduation, to do a meeting with Missy and explain Nardole.

It was better to keep her in the dark.

The thought of a memory wipe crossed his head. But after all that with Donna and after he got his mind wiped of Clara…the idea was less savory and could backfire.

If not for Missy and his duty to care for her, he would never had remembered Clara.

Missy was good for that. Her psychic skills and progress were always far superior, more accurate than his.

The thought of him contacting her mentally and getting her on board and then having her disentangle this day from his little fawn’s mind briefly flitted through.

Too late, as (y/n) was already climbing out of her shower. She didn’t take her time with it.

He braced himself for the next bit.

He usually wasn’t on the receiving end of this behavior.

She exited, wrapped in the towel. Her eyes were red from tears and lack of sleep. She stood in a defiant stance facing him, water still dripping off her legs.

She kept on hand braced at the top, protecting her modesty. She rose the other and pointed with her index finger. She inhaled and held her breath for a long second. He could tell that she was steeling herself. Preparing what she had to say, and wanted to say it without stopping or stuttering or anything else.

He let her have to floor.

Her next breath was long and rattled out of her like death from a corpse.

“Listen, I understand that you couldn’t have came out saying ‘Hey! I’m an alien stuck on Earth!’ without sounding totally fucking schizophrenic.” She hand went to under her armpits. More protecting of her precious modesty. A mini suit of armor, he gathered. “Am I blaming you for not wanting to sound insane? Even if it’s the truth? Sort of. But like, it’s also my fault. I was too stupid. I also made my happiness contingent on a man’s affection. If you are a man. You look pretty damn male to me. Feel pretty damn male to me. But I digress!” An exhausted, bereaved look fell over her face. “I said from the beginning I never wanted this to happen. But I did. This did.” She caught her breath and swallowed heavily. “I don’t really fucking know what to do or think here. Would it be dumber to leave, or dumber to stay? Would you just abduct me and probe me if I left? I don’t know any aliens besides you. I think. I don’t know…I don’t know what aliens do.”

“It’s too late to get anyone driving.” She finished up. “I’ll sleep on it. But, I don’t know.” Her eyes slammed shut tightly and she shook her head. He dare not probe in her brain to see if he could do anything, say anything, especially after that comment she just made…

“Find somewhere else to sleep.” She ordered. “Or sleep on the cuck chair. I don’t care. I need my sleep and to clear my mind. Don’t fucking touch me.”

It was a better outcome than he was expecting. A testament to his methods and his abilities. It was real affection too. In parts and pieces.

A shot in the arm, at least.

He could make strategies and find the most clever words at night. After all, he did need less sleep than a human. Mental seduction was now a line drawn in not sand, but concrete. And it was drying quickly.

He sat down in what she deemed the “cuck chair”. He’d have to Google that term later.

She got dressed quickly and did her little human skincare rituals quicker. After crawling into bed, she put her back to him and snapped off the lights.

The silent treatment…

He could work with that.

He heard her let out a few heaves of a half cry.

The thought of throwing her secrets into her face crossed his mind. Secret for secret. But he knew that was petty and would further alienate him from her. To shame her into submission was the opposite of what he needed to do.

Plus, with the way she operated, it’d be a blow out. Only a Time Lord with access to her brain would know.

All night his mind raked through scenarios.

And her sleep was restless, tons of thrashing and some talking. He got out of the chair a few times and it seemed she was also leaking tears.

He resisted the urge to wipe them away. And to rifle through her mind.

Thankfully the morning robbed him of overthinking any more.

She woke with such a start, her chest heaving and face crusted with dried tear salt.

The Doctor made his way to fake…something in the bathroom. Give her space.

He flushed the toilet and washed his hands.

She had already dressed up and sat on the chair. Just a pair of jeans and a short-sleeved turtleneck. She was slouched and a glum expression slacked across her face. She was chewing on her pinky nail with one hand and the other was tapping very quickly.

“I’m not going back to Bristol. Fuck it, I’m in London.” She announced very nonchalantly.

She heaved.

“You can’t help how you are. I can’t either. We’re an odd couple. An alien and a…” She caught herself. “Human.” She wasn’t ready to reveal her secrets yet. Of all the people in the universe, he understood the urge for secrecy.

“Don’t take me for a fool. No more wool over the eyes or a snow job. If I want to know, I’ll ask. Vice versa. Of course.” She conceeded.

“If you lay hands on me, it’s my right to launch you into the stratosphere.” She stood up for herself…it seemed like she was speaking from deep experience.

“I’m not going to waste whatever is between you and me. But yeah.” She cracked her knuckles and wrists. “Is that good for you? It’s good for me.” She ended getting up and grabbing at her purse.

His time to speak came.

“That’d work for me.” He decided the simplest words would make the best impact. He noted that this incarnation of himself was a sucker for women who likes to pull a bossy act, but came undone so easily under him. He’d lure his fawn back to him. Somehow…

“Okay, ummm. Fine, I’m going to go out, get some things. I’ll be fine. Message me whenever your done with whatever you needed to do today.”

She exited and he went off to help UNIT.

Distracted and raw, he did his duties.

They went off and Kate declared the operation a success.

He texted (y/n) to meet him at a café that was near the unit head quarters.

She met him and he went to kiss her hand. She smelled heavily of cigarette smoke and her sunglasses were glinting, eyes damn near unreadable. She had a few small shopping bags on her.

“You were busy.” He noted.

“Well, you did mention a play and I didn’t have anything appropriate.” She admitted. “I wanted to look nice…for you. Don’t want to embarrass you. Especially since you’re so nicely dressed this weekend.” Her head nodded to the side. “I’ve never seen you in a button down.” She mused, “They suit you.”

She gave a crooked half-grin, half-grimace.

It seemed that yesterday and this morning laid heavy on her mind.

Against his better judgment, he gently entered the surface of her mind and gently swept aside some doubt of self and this. Still there but not probing sharp and heavy. Gently safe, gently there. Letting her still have her free will, just sheltered nerves.

Maybe he still hung around Missy too much.

Even though, this wasn’t as bad as what either of them has done in the past regarding Time Lord’s skill sets in meddling in people’s minds.

This was for the better, would stop her from harming herself, he rationalized…

She relaxed and they finally entered the café. He got his usual cappuccino with enough sugar to overwhelm an entire preschool’s population, she got a simple espresso lungo.

“See!” He said as he took a sip, “Just like humans do.”

“Ah.” She said, her mouth partially hidden behind the cup.

“Sun feels nice…” She said, sitting down at a seat that got the full blast of it on her face. “Rare English sun…” She mused again. “Maybe it’s an omen.” She shrugged, fingering the one pendant around her neck like it was a talisman.

The late-spring sun shone in her hair, illuminating different shades and colors in her (insert your color of hair you have here, dear reader!). Much different than in the early days with the weak winter sun. It was radiant.

Semi-sarcastically, semi-impertinently, he asked, “Can I touch your hair?” His hand already halfway shot out. (Maybe he did have ADHD.)

She took another petite sip of her drink. She nodded, “Sure.” She placed the cup down and let the sun hit her more, shrugging out of her jacket, and extending her arms out to get the rays on then.

He leaned out and slipped his right hand through the line of her hair. Feeling it’s textures and gave a short swirl of the ends between his fingers. With his other hand he gripped her already clasped-together hands.

The cool metal of her rings was already warming in the sun.

It felt right, a small simple moment. He wished he had gotten more with more people.

“Let’s cut the mishegas.” She said after a while. “Let’s make this work.”

The Doctor nodded in assent, taking another sip of his drink. “Whatever you need.”

After a while, and minimal talking, they went back to UNIT head quarters and the Doctor took a meeting with the entire engagement crew and leads. (Y/N) decided to give a quick check in and chat with Petronella and asked her about her favorite place for a brunch on Sunday.

Sadly, Petronella didn’t know any good places, but she’d ask around and get back to her.

(Y/N) went off to prep for the night out.

The Doctor was buzzing, he was entirely intrigued by what his fawn’s idea of appropriate was for a West End play. Especially after her comment about his outfit.

He had no references, just what he’d seen a few companions wear.

He was properly doing a date in the first time since he sent River off to die on his younger self in the Library.

He hoped this one would be less chaotic. (Y/N) seemed a flight risk if any invasions or anything close to his normal dalliances he had on Earth happened.

He could respect her need for peace and quiet. It was admirable.

The meeting was just about ready to close up when she entered and sat next to him, sliding the chair over closer to his.

He gave a quick look over. Everyone did. It was a distraction. She entered in a slightly-overdid cloud of perfume.

She was…glittering. Glowing.

That was the only word to explain it. Obviously, she’d taken certain professional cues. Her legs were elongated in some ridiculous contractions masquerading as shoes. Her hair was pinned back in some areas and let loose in others. She wore a simple black dress and a tight black opened, long cardigan.

It seemed she was trying to send a message.

Her face was shining and her eyes were accented.

Definitely a big one.

He turned, interrupting the already interrupted meeting, slowly blinking.

“Don’t mind me. I’ll just wait.” She smiled, crossing over her wrists, sliding her arms onto the board room table, slightly slouched, slight pushed forward.

Whatever this little message was, he felt his cock stiffen a bit.

Is this what her clientele saw? This bejeweled wonder? All a show of confidence and heavily-scented fodder?

Was this her doing? To show him that she could invite the gaze of anyone she wanted?

His mind swirled with jealousy.

Then the rational side, who knew her for what she was when she wasn’t trying kicked in. She was just trying to look nice for the theatre! Nothing more, nothing less.

He hadn’t felt this white-hot dagger of jealousy since that PE teacher…What’s his name, Danny? Denny? Denise?

This human had him stymied again…

Too soon and yet not long enough, his duties ended for the night. She got up and went to Petronella for a moment to exchange numbers and she tossed her head, hair reacting to the little motion, shaking away. He caught a glint of her teeth backed against the lipstick, deeply pigmented.

His observation about them being friends was correct.

He felt a little unable to leave his seat. He had to will his body to do such an action. He accomplished it and went to near the door frame.

“Yeah, text me any time. I’ll see you later.” He heard her say.

She took a giant step away and joined him. She gripped his arm and shrugged on shoulder up. “How do I look for my first West End play?” There was a very new expression in her eyes. One that seemed unreachable.

He was rather uneasy in those micro-clues in this body, unless he relied on his mind to connect and check in...

“You’ll do.” The Doctor beamed.

She fixed her strap under the cardigan and they began their walk to the outside. A swirly motion, it was oddly hypnotic and drew his eyes to her chest. Her necklaces glinted in the light and clinked together gently. He let a small, sardonic grin form on his face.

On to call a cab, the Doctor noticed he had a bit of trouble counterbalancing his weight against her in the added three or four inches of (y/n). His little fawn had little trouble on her wobbly legs. He was the one in trouble, slightly stumbling like a newborn deer…

A reversal.

Before he properly could form any more thoughts she got a cab to come off the side of the streets.

Onto the play, onto a new act.

But what was she getting at showing up like that?

Or was this just nothing…?

He had to find out or give up quickly.

Not acts, no playing.

Just the night ahead.

[synthetic-sonata]

really awesome day to think everythings going alright and then you wake up and get hit in the face twice in a row

[ask-fazbearnfriends]

do the characters have any kind of mental illness or problems of that sort?

Short answer: Yes. A lot of them have a lot of things.

Long answer:

Although I have dropped out my ideas for the characters before, I don't consider myself an expert on mental illnesses- so I cannot answer with clear certainty what the diagnoSEES of every character is. A lot of mental illnesses overlap and have similar enough presentation that it feels wrong to rule out something in particular, but also I don't want to gift every character with their own "long list of possible mental illnesses they might fit under" either. Most characters I don't design with a "disorder" in mind when I make them- I think of a personality (which ends up being slightly strange because I am slightly strange), and add the horrifying details later, and sometimes I eventually realize they kind of fit under some sort of disorder after making them act a certain way. There ARE certain things that are kinda on purpose, like Foxy having depression, Springtrap depression and bipolar (among other things), Golden Freddy has symptoms of BPD and NPD and OCD, and Bonnie and Shadow Bonnie have anxiety (as well as Toy Freddy to a lesser extent), and others that less strongly effect their actual writing, but even then i wouldnt consider these more than IDEAS i have when im writing them (considering there is no animatronic psych evaluation anyways). Also additionally this wasn't asked but I also strongly associate golden freddy and Chica with autism (in different ways), but tbh I think it's fair to associate any of my fnaf characters with that lol...

[compassionatereminders]

Hiii paranoid delusional anon. So— some examples;

- I have had constant reoccurring obsessive issues with thinking somebody is stalking me / stalking my socials and is going to try and become my friend to air my bad opinions out and get me canceled.

- for a solid. God. I don’t even know, literally years- I was CONVINCED I had a specific Illness despite no evidence and was constantly searching for evidence. The delusion only went away when I ACTUALLY got the Illness and was treated for it

- constantly freaked out thinking I have cancer. If a limb hurts for a few days, I genuinely start seriously stressing abt the logistics of trying to get evaluated for cancer.

- this only happened once but I had a massive breakdown once and thought there was cameras in my room. I also used to be very paranoid of my webcam

- I often think people are talking about me behind my back and constantly ruminate on this but honestly this is kind of normal on par with my BPD / normal anxiety I think ??

- on some socials , I have to change so much about myself out of the fear that I’ll be recognized as me and be outed for things I said on that social, that I go through the lengths of not just using a pseudonym but using different pronouns, using a different typing style and even talking about some media I don’t like to make things seem… not like me. So I can express myself properly without it being linked to me ..

- constantly have issues where I will think about death before bed OBSESSIVELY and am CONVINCED I will die in my sleep. Leads to many sleepless nights until I pass out from exhaustion and a lot of weird notes written for my family ‘incase I’m found in the morning’

- if anyone is walking behind me in public for . A little too long… I start seriously freaking out. Even on long single direction sidewalks. It honestly makes going outside a nightmare because I constantly feel like I’m being followed

- I can’t talk in public to my friends. The fact other people can hear what I say makes me feel insane in ways I can’t even describe it makes me so so scared. For them to hear private conversations and hear my thoughts on things without me being aware, it scares me so much.

All in all. Clearly this isn’t NORMAL but is this more.. extreme anxiety / agoraphobia or ??? And ontop of that. Does it mean anything that I can be aware something is UNLIKELY rationally but am still feeling all the Emotions as if it is 100% fact and will still like. Believe it? If that makes sense? Can you believe sometning while rationalizing it’s unlikely?? I always feel so aware of how ridiculous im being but there’s always the 1% chance and aaa it makes me feel crazy. Anyways thank you for any advice Kat

Whether it's mainly caused by OCD, a psychotic disorder or a personality disorder, I'd personally say that "delusions" are the right word for at least some of the above. It definitely isn't normal experiences.

[necroromantics]

You talk alot about BD, i hope its not disrespectful to ask what differentiates BD from BPD? I do some research for my character too and stuff and i still couldnt grab the difference sowwy

Also, what happens when you have both?

Its never disrespectful to want to learn man, no worries at all :] Bipolar Disorder (BD) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) get mixed up all the time, even by doctors who are real old-fashioned or otherwise uneducated

The best way to approach this question is to take a look at what the DSM-5 describes them each as. (For those unfamiliar, the "Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition" aka DSM-5, is the guideline doctors in the field of psychology use to diagnose someone with a specific disorder. Not all countries use this, some use the ICD. I live in North America where they use the DSM so Im going off of that. All in all, theyre pretty similar though.)

First off, Bipolar Disorder is classified as a mood disorder, while Borderline Personality Disorder is a personality disorder. They fall under two separate categories of classification.

Im not gonna get into all the different types of BD and whatever cuz I have another post on that, but type1 BD is the most commonly known. Its the "manic depressive" type. You see here that the hallmark feature of bipolar disorder is the presence of mania, which is described in the page from the DSM-5 above. You see how the manic episode is required to last at least a week? That period of elevated energy and mood is called a manic episode. This is the "mood swing" that is experienced in bipolar disorder. It is severe, extreme highs and lows, that last quite awhile. Manic episodes are a bipolar-only experience. If you experience at least one manic episode, you are bipolar. These episodes are all there is to the disorder. Bipolar is about experiencing certain distinct periods of time where you're in a manic state, or a depressive state.

Now if we look at BPD, you see how it has NOTHING to do with manic episodes? BPD is actually also known as "emotionally unstable personality disorder". So the classic volatile emotions, switching up quick, going from happy to sad to angry, being moody, all of that is associated with being BORDERLINE. It has nothing much to do with Bipolar disorder.

And while someone with BD may experience emotional instability during a manic or depressive episode, the difference is that it is episodic, while the emotional instability in BPD is near constant and all encompassing.

Here is what the DSM-5 has to say about differential diagnosis for Bipolar. Symptoms do overlap, but a person experiencing a bipolar episode shouldnt be evaluated for BPD cuz those symptoms would better be explained by the bipolar episode, not by having borderline PD. Make sense?

Someone can be diagnosed with both BD and BPD, since the two are different and distinct disorders. The BPD symptoms would just be constant while the BD symptoms would only come up during episodes.

If you just have BPD, you wont experience manic episodes.

If you just have bipolar, you wont necessarily experience things like intense fear of abandonment and the constant intense emotional instability that defines BPD.

[givemerent]

ok since you're the first dandy's world fan ive found on tumblr (suprisingly through your tos reblogs) im gonna ramble to you about my ocs/headcanons/lore

Basically, I think that every toon has their own personal handler. They just dont get any attention because they handle "secondary characters". Each of them were selected for having personality traits that needed to be displayed in the characters they were assigned. Before their promotion, they had different jobs around the location and had their skills and personalities evaluated to make sure they were the right ones for the job-- even if those traits were caused by mental health problems/disabilities (ex. Curtis Thompson, who became R&D's handler due to having "two different personalities" caused by having (undiagnosed) bpd/did). Micheal Atlas, the manager of the handlers even brought in his 8 y/o daughter Lucy into this stuff just for work purposes (she was the handler for Toodles).

And yea they all lowkey had sh*tty working conditions in general which sucked. Once, two handlers (Curtis Thompson & Lucian Green) got locked inside the museum after hours. And nobody noticed. And yeah that incident was enough for the two of them to team up with their deaf coworker Honey Maplewood to file a lawsuit against Gardenview but at that point it didnt matter anymore bc then it got shut down, causing all of them to get laid off.

Almost all the handlers were interrogated afterwards about the shutdown and why it happened. And yeah after that all the handlers just tried moved on with their life + Lucy got picked up by child services bc yk... technichally she's a victim of child labor. Present day they all work normal jobs, some of them staying in the same field of "childrens education" while others have moved on to different careers.

Damn now I wanna write a fic where a group of the former handlers go back to the abandoned Gardenview and try to figure out the actual cause of it being shut down while also reliving past memories. Anyways thank you for reading all of this 👍

HOLY SHIT OMG??? I LOVE THIS THEORRYRYR SMSMSMSMM AND IM SOSOS HONORED AND TYSMSMS FOR SHARING THIS, TJIS THEORY IS ACTUALLY SOAWESOME!!!! :D

[1863-project]

so for your poll abt abelism in fandom communities - i voted yes + reblogged but i will say i dont 1000% know im doing this right.

but for my experiences its been a lot of stigmatising of cluster b personality disorders. i have BPD which is already incredibly misunderstood/stigmatised but especially in fandom spaces where its "i headcanon x character w bpd" and immediately met with "no u cant bc ppl w bpd r evil and functionally not even ppl!!! all they do is hurt ppl they care about fuck them fuck ppl w bpd!!!" which

is incredibly harmful, as you'd imagine.

as well, i have autism and suspected schizophrenia and OCD (autism diagnosed, i am working on getting evaluated for schizophrenia and/or OCD) and fandom spaces can be incredibly rude to people with autism. whether it is schizophrenia related or not, i deal with extreme bouts of paranoia. fandom spaces also have a tendency to play into this - ie "joking" threats to be in my walls to hunt me down to kill me because i have a different fandom opinion.

its. alot. and i avoid most fandom spaces because of it.

Anon, I'm so sorry this has been your experience, because it absolutely should not be. This is the entire point of doing the poll and using the data to work on an essay - this behavior needs to be addressed and acknowledged as harmful.

I'm autistic with OCD myself, and this website is definitely bad to people with OCD. The misunderstanding of intrusive thoughts and how so many people become purity police and assume those intrusive thoughts actually mean you want to do something instead of understanding that they cause OCD folks extreme distress and anxiety is really, really harmful. And don't get me started on autism - I've been out in the real world doing self-advocacy for over a decade now, and the way a lot of people in fandom spaces treat autism is abysmal - there's even a lot of internalized ableism on that front, i.e. "I can't be ableist because I'm also disabled!" We all have internalized ableism to work through because of the world we live in.

Cluster B personality disorders and psychotic disorders get it the worst, though, with people treating those with them as "inhuman" and "evil" more often than not. No one is inherently more "evil" than anyone else. A personality disorder doesn't necessarily indicate that a person is bad. A psychotic disorder doesn't, either. BPD in particular actually makes a person very vulnerable to being abused due to the nature of how it works, but people love ignoring that part.

RE: people using your paranoia to send hateful anons, be really careful about what you share about yourself online. If you give too much information about what specifically can be used to hurt you, some people will absolutely do it. I know I may sound like an overly cautious adult to many of you (I'm 34), but when I was a teenager, we didn't put any personal information online in order to keep ourselves safe. If you aren't talking to people you really trust, don't necessarily share that information, because people are often cruel when they feel they can be so without any repercussions. Don't put all your triggers in your Carrd, don't make massive DNIs with all of the things that can hurt you in them - just use the block button and protect yourselves. Not everyone is acting in bad faith, and indeed, most humans aren't, but there are always some who will, and if they know how to hurt you or get back at you, they won't hesitate to hit where it hurts.

I'm sorry you have to remove yourself from fandom spaces just to feel safe, anon. It really isn't fair and you should be allowed to have a safe experience too.

[tactiletelekonesis]

gonna just ramble my thoughts for a bit

i was talking about how ive been asked to be evaluated for bpd in the past and got told by the doctor that i “dont want that stigma” and shut down before i could decide for myself if its worth it, and the person i was telling this to said they think i dont have it and like.

im kind of mad.

because im still getting to know this person and the more i think on it the more i know i at least have things that mimic the symptoms

and being told “i can tell you dont have it” feels like its diminishing the fact that i worry i do

and dont get me wrong i know the symptoms can be caused by other things but i would still like to know

and like the reason im thinking this is just… dirk strider from homestuck. ive been seeing people say hes textbook DID and i GET IT, i do, but i also really see bpd in him more. and i also see myself in him, though i dont have DID

i see his splinters and lil hal specifically as like. i can see how hal would be an alter, but lets not focus on that. hal is the epitome of a version of dirks self that he gets aggravated with, probably even hates because it reminds him of who he used to be, and to some extent whi he currently is.

if you look at the symptoms of bpd on mayo clinic, i could argue for all of them in dirk - and myself

and like. ive fucked up so many relationships because a flip switches in my head and im convinced they hate me or dont care, and people dont see that BECAUSE I FUCKING HIDE IT

I HID MY AUTISM FROM MYSELF AND OTHERS FOR 19 YEARS. MY PSYCHOSIS FOR 27. whos to say i havent been hiding bpd from people?

i already have dependent personality disorder but if you have one personality disorder youre more likely to have more

the reason people dont believe my struggles is i mask automatically and suffer inside because i dont know how to talk about how im suffering or even explain whats a mask and whats not

i keep going back to the time i was told “youre incapable of being mean” and the visceral reaction of wrongness i felt because i shut myself down so fucking much because the idea of upsetting others is so goddamn terrifying yet until i was 19 i would purposely make lists in my head of actual ways to ruin my friendships of i wanted to. like i would make full lists. just cataloguing all their insecurities so i could weaponize them. i never did because when i admitted to doing this when i felt safe i was told that was a dick move. and theyre right but it still fucking hurt because i dont do it on purpose. i dont.

im currently losing two of my best friends because my brain wont let me fucking talk to them because im simultaneously afraid theyre mad, and mad at them myself, and im sabotaging myself by not talking to them at all

i literally swing from thinking im worthless to thinking im a literal celestial being. i dissociate all the god damn time. im so fucking angry every second of my life

i would go into more detail about other symptoms but im making myself sad.

i dont care about the stigma i want validation for these symptoms and acknowledgement that i am extremely mentally ill at times and i just

i know they meant well but being told im not bpd by a newer friend who im still opening up to is frustrating. youre not my doctor, youre not me. how would you know? my doctor doesnt even know all my experiences because i dont know how to talk about them

im not sure if its the 4am talking or the stress from the roommate situation but like im thinking about bpd again. i think its worth looking into

anyway i cant believe im turning into a dirk kinnie but im not complaining

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hi, if possible, it would be really helpful for this ask to be answered soon, but i understand if thats too much to ask. know you guys get a lot of these, so no pressure.

im looking for advice/an opinion i guess? trigger warning for dissociation, derealization.

so. recently ive been going through really severe identity disturbance and its been causing me a lot of suicidal thoughts and dissociative episodes. the core components of my self just keep changing, like my gender, name, sexuality, interests, etc. sometimes i feel like a completely separate person and its really upsetting because each time it happens i think, "ok, so i figured myself out finally and this is who i am now." but then it goes and changes again and i hate it. i just want to be a fixed person i dont want to keep changing. im so confused and upset. along with this, i also have episodes/moments where nothing feels real. where the world feels fake and as if im living inside another persons imagination or dream. sometimes it feels like im just daydreaming and im a fictional character or something, and when i feel like that i operate as though my actions have no real consequences and that nothing bad can happen to me or that it doesn't matter if i ignore or be mean to people, because its not real. sometimes i feel like im trapped in my own body except its not really mine, or if it is it doesnt feel like mine, because i dont know what im supposed to feel like if that makes any sense. i feel like i dont know who i am.

ive considered before that this could be bpd or osdd, but i dont think i could have either of those? because i didnt have a very traumatic childhood. it wasnt perfect, and i was raised around some verbal abuse and spanked but nothing that warrants whats happening to me now and that makes it all the more upsetting. i dont know why im like this. there couldnt possibly be anything that bad that happened to me to cause this, right?? but then again im not truly sure. i dont want to accidentally convince myself that something did happen to me, but i dont remember a lot of my childhood. i dont remember feeling anything. i know i did, and i remember events through people telling/reminding me that they happened but i dont remember experiencing or feeling anything firsthand, really.

im sorry if this was a lot. do you know what this might be, or the possible causes? i dont know who else to ask or what to do. i dont feel like "myself" and im scared.

- jory

Hi Jory,

What you experienced certainly could be traumatizing, and it's important to remember that trauma isn't defined by what happened, but rather by the degree to which we're affected by it. There are many factors that influence someone's resilience, which is their ability to recover from stressful or potentially traumatic events. This means that one person may not be traumatized by something that another person experiences severe trauma symptoms over, and vice versa. It's also worth noting that not being able to remember a lot of your childhood suggests there's more going on here, especially considering that amnesia is often a characteristic of dissociative disorders.

That being said, while what you are experiencing could be a part of OSDD, it could just be various levels of depersonalization and derealization, such as feeling like your body isn't yours or that things aren't real. You know yourself best at the end of the day, and it should ultimately be up to you how you describe or label your experiences.

Ultimately, if you can access or afford it, this is something to ask a mental health professional such as a therapist, who is much more knowledgeable in identity disturbance and how to treat this. They can help you explore your childhood and why you have trouble remembering it, and potentially evaluate you for the disorders you've previously considered.

I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[hauntedselves]

so i for sure have BPD but was wondering if this was fully BPD or if other PD traits were influencing it?

if i meet you and you pass my initial test, youre in. ill tell you anything in that first meeting. but then youre gone and i panic. i re-evaluate. repeat. however if you fail the first test? good fucking luck. once youre truly gone in my mind, i will disregard you. i only stay with those who give me the attention and praise i want or else i feel worthless and empty.

because due to my emptiness, my self image is what others tell me. and i cannot stand being bad. i do not want to be bad. (trauma+ guilt complex) so if you dont think of me good and dont give me attention and praise, i cant be around you as it brings that up - guilt is the emotion that hurts the most.

i am questioning hpd or npd as attention is a core to who i am, but im stuck. i dont have high self esteem or anything at all or low empathy, actually the direct opposite, but ive been told disregarding people like this is a npd thing

obviously i can't diagnose you but i do think this could be just BPD.

your disregarding people sounds like the classic BPD idealising/devaluing split.

"then you're gone and i panic" - classic fear of abandonment.

"i only stay with those who give me the attention and praise i want or else i feel worthless and empty." - also idealising/devaluing splits, combination of splitting against others and splitting against yourself

i can see why you'd think maybe you have NPD and/or HPD, but I also think that your experiences make sense in the context of BPD.

[nahalism]

heyyyyy 🖤 ofc ignore and dont feel pressured to answer if this goes into too personal territory. Did you ever get diagnosed/got suspected personality disorder(s) and (if yes) did it give you any guidance/deeper understanding of yourself?

<3 heyy, — i havent been diagnosed with a personality disorder, although there was a period of time i questioned if i had bpd, specifically quiet bpd. there are still symptoms of bpd i resonate with, but they could be related to other mental health issues ive dealt with (depression, anxiety, cptsd etc) so idk. tbh, because of how cloudy it all gets, i no longer look to being diagnosed as a solution. i personally dont want to be medicated, & outside of medication, allopathic medicine (imo) doesnt have answers or solutions for the 'issues' i face. ive used therapy during moments where i feel unable to look after myself/see the situation at hand clearly, (mostly to make sure i dont regress / i have someone objectively able to evaluate my decision making, which helps a lot cause when im spiralling i can doubt myself & feel out of touch with reality) but thats about it.

that said, every symptom ive dealt with/deal with, has helped me understand myself. the way i see it every problem pushes you toward its solution. e.g, (trigger warning) self harm was a symptom of the issues i was dealing with. it led me to understand that i struggled with regulating my emotions and that i held a lot of rage. i also realised that when i experience deep rage (rooted in fear), i take it out on myself, not on others. partly cause i didnt want to harm people, also because as much as the people, or situations i was in, caused me harm, i didnt want to push them away/give them a reason to 'leave me/my life' because that would reopen wounds i had regarding abandonment and not being good enough. each realisation was something i had to confront and deal with individually. thats just one example, but hopefully it details how i acknowledge symptoms i experience, then unpack them to point me in the direction of solving the issue.

knowing these things doesnt make the issue disappear. i still get distressed, and at times my impulse is still to hurt myself. but because ive taken time to understand the issue, i have coping mechanisms in place that help me self regulate and put things in perspective (e.g journaling, mindfulness practices, learning to address situations, and communicate my issues rather than take it out on myself). at first its not easy and it feels like 90% failing. sometimes you'll know the right thing to do, & not want to do it, orrr be doing the wrong thing whilst knowing what the right thing to do is. but awareness is the first step, and eventually it gets easier. over time (and by choice) ive learned to respond to myself with love. even though i have urges to be self destructive, i have enough compounded experience and perspective on what being destructive does to me and the people i care about to not do it. deeper than that, ive trained myself to stop recognising stress and chaos as 'normal' or my baseline. shadow work helps with this a lot. id recommend reading 'owning your own shadow' by robert a johnson, it helped me understand what to do with the left over destructive energy i was no longer using & how to put it into creativity rather than let it be damaging—

i know this was super long but i had to be specific because imo theres a lot of people who claim personality disorders are a life sentence / or who demonise people who struggle with them and that something i have never agreed with or felt was fair. i do think recovery is possible. however please bare in mind, im sharing my experience & whilst i stand on it & believe it can work for anyone, i have not been diagnosed with a personality disorder. it is completely possible ive found solutions to an issue/symptom that crosses over but does not belong to the issue ur asking me about. (e.g someone could use ashwaganda to solve their anxiety & panic attacks, but that might not work for someone who has panic attacks triggered by ptsd). the way i went about things was unconventional. it worked for me, but has taken a long time, has not been easy & im aware its not a path everyone would choose. (im not saying that to be quirky. its literally given me everything but cost everything in the process). if this resonates and feels like something you can do i highly recommend it. but if you begin to struggle, get lost in the weeds or feel like medication/therapy & whatever other solution better suits you, plsplspls do what it right for you and safest for you.

🖤 sending u big love. i hope this helped

[raincamp]

7 - 19 - 23

why is being mentally ill so fucking expensive???

i've been really stressed about money recently. and i hate it because im only 19 right, i shouldn't be worrying about how to pay back thousands of dollars in medical debt, i haven't even made my first rent payment in my life yet.

my insurance decided to deny coverage for my hospital stay earlier this month after i attempted. i have to pay thousands for an ambulance, for the days they kept me over my allotted insured days, for the stay at the hospital where they evaluated me, and i can't get any help because im still on my parents insurance, and they dont want to help me pay for my treatment anymore.

(TW for suicidal ideation and bad hospital experiences)

after my insured days were up, i begged the fucking doctors at the psychiatric hospital not to keep me longer, not only because they were COMPLETELY unequipped to handle treating my BPD beyond sedating me everytime i had an episode, but also because it was $600 a day that i had to pay out of pocket (+ extra fees for meds etc). and you know what the doctor said? "you're still reporting passive suicidal ideation, i dont feel comfortable sending you home."

yeah, of course i have passive ideation, i'm fucking borderline, that's literally one of my symptoms, one of the diagnostic criteria in the DSM. you think you can put my BPD into remission in two weeks?

i have good treatment at home, i go to group weekly, have one on one dbt, get phone coaching with my therapist, but this fucking doctor wouldn't let me go, and after spending almost a week begging her, she finally agreed to IF i signed an ROI for my parents. that manipulative bitch

i dont tell my parents the details of my treatment for a reason. you can probably imagine how that went down when i got home.

anyway, that's neither here nor there. today I've been feeling like i am completely unable to survive in this society. i can't manage to get myself to go to work consistently, despite the fact that i get paid decently and want to. last week was the first week since i was employed in april that i went to work everyday.

i called in today. i just cant fucking do it. work takes everything out of me. i come home and sleep 12 hours because im exhausted, and if i have the time i can sometimes convince myself to make food before i leave for work again. i dont have time for hobbies, i dont have time to enjoy anything, getting to see friends means being sleep deprived, i don't even have time to take care of myself. calling in sick is me giving myself time to fucking shower and eat a meal and clean my room and possibly even do something relaxing so i don't drown in stress.

now that im drowning in medical bills— among the rent and electricity bills i will have to start paying next month when i move out, along with the debt im in for my car— being unable to go to work consistently feels like a death sentence. and honestly, yeah, i am considering death so that i dont have to worry about this shit anymore. because obviously me with my chronic mental illnesses— that even if they do manage to go into remission, will make me a slave to the healthcare system in the process— are not meant to thrive in this society.

i cant fucking do it. not right now- and if I can't right now while im in a stable living situation, then i certainly wont be able to when the roof over my head is dependent on whether or not i can get myself out of bed everyday.

its bullshit that im considering killing myself over medical bills at 19.

- andrew

[chaosandthe-deadblog]

mia: phoenix i dont mean to intrude but. um. i dont know how to say this. have you considered being evaluated for bpd?

feenie: haha why would i? i think im pretty normal :) anyway if i dont find edgeworth when im a lawyer i might die

characters that have bpd according to my twisted yet undiagnosed mind:

Shadow ths Hedgehog

Sonic Wachowski

Eleanor Shellstrop

Yuri from DDLC

[invisibleoctopus]

one thing that always bothers me about gatekeepers/fakeclaimers who are like "we're just making sure people who ACTUALLY have these problems get help we only accept REAL mentally ill people" is that this kind of shit turns away ppl who are questioning and need help with whatever Thing they have going on and it in fact hurts "the REAL not-fakers who ACTUALLY have this mental illness/neurodivergence" who might be discouraged from accessing help because theyre the type of mentally ill that gets terrified of being labeled a faker just for simply being wrong about which mental illness they have

[tadpal]

literally HOW is my ego going to go unchecked when i have to schedule in quality of life days like im a sad zoo animal

[compassionatereminders]

Hi Kat, sorry you're having a bad time at the minute. I'm at a point where I'm like. Frustrated with the NHS services and just wanna complain (mandatory sidenote: I value having a free health service in my country and I am aware the problems are not caused by the NHS themselves and are being caused by a government underfunding them and that my complaint is with the lack of funding rather than the mental health workers themselves). I got transferred back to my mental health department in my university town, I was home for like a year because I had quite a bad relapse. I went to this appointment with a duty worker and I tried to explain that I wanted to be evaluated for a psychotic illness bc I hallucinate everyday, I am paranoid when unmedicated and I suffer quite a lot with negative symptoms even when I'm not depressed, to like, show them it isn't depression or BPD and its not just when Im feeling down, I am struggling Constantly. She basically told me the service was just flat out not interested in diagnosing people. I cannot understand that. The NHS seems to have decided on its own that diagnoses are pointless, while forgetting They're the ones who placed all the importance on them to begin with? She also told me I wouldn't get treatment for BPD. Which is like. Cool so you've diagnosed me with a complex and severe mental health issue, refused to listen to my concerns, and you're now just going to force me to live with what is recorded as one of the most destabilising illnesses with no help? Okay? Also I told her I didn't want to change medications because it was messing with my medications that caused me to go completely psychotic this time last year, and I'm in the middle of my final year at university so I don't have the time to schedule in what would need to be a highly monitored medication change. And she was like "Eh, still talk to your GP about medication!" like. She didn't listen to a fucking thing I said. I'm tired and I'm frustrated and I don't know how to get people to listen to me about what I think is going on, and how to get help.

I'm so sorry that you had such a shitty experience seeking treatment. It sucks when the mental health services you have access to don't have the resources required to actually help. It's a struggle I'm facing too and it's terrible. We deserve better!