#im being as accurate as possible about the calories im eating

[mental-health-advice]

cant talk to anyone irl about this so here i am lol. my mom used to make comments about my body, and how id be so much pretty if i lost some weight (when her comments started getting to me i looked up my bmi (ik bmi isnt the best assessment of weight/ health) to see if i was really that bad and i was normal leaning underweight) that kinda helped me, and i felt better for a while, and her comments on my body stopped (but her comments on her own never did) but i guess in quarantine it got to me more than i thought lol i started browsing the ed side of tumblr and downloaded a calorie tracking app, for two weeks i ate less than it recommended (im an overachiever lol) but i didn't lose any weight (technically i did but it wasn't visible so it doesn't really count lol) but the whole time i was terrified of depriving my body of fuel, accidentally starving myself, and overall doing more harm than good(which is why i refused to purge or fast) so i deleted the app and stopped. this was one or two years ago, so i thought it was over it, but lately the little nagging voice thats been telling me how much better id look and feel if i lost weight is getting louder (and more convincing). i want to lose weight but I don't want to do it unhealthy/obsessively or spiral out of control. any advice? (i dont think i had an ed, just an unhealthy relationship (ig fear would be more accurate lol) w/ calories/food in general)

Hey there,

Firstly, good on you for deleting that app, I know it wouldn’t have been easy at all! Being in quarantine was hard for a lot of people, and especially as it gave us more time to ruminate on the not so healthy things like our looks and weight like issues.

I am sorry that your Mum’s comments hurt you so much, is it a possibility that she wasn’t happy with her own weight and so was portraying that down on to you? I may not be right, just a suggestion!

Losing weight can be really hard and it can sometimes bring up unhealthy thoughts/ voices in our head whether you have or are suffering from an ED or not. I am wondering if you could see a dietitian? They will be able to come up with a meal plan for you which may help you to lose weight in a safe and controlled way. If you are not able to see a dietitian (completely OK if you aren’t able to – I know it’s not cheap) could you make an appointment to see your local doctor or GP about being concerned about your weight? They can also be great supports for people wanting to lose weight safely and help you to come up with a plan to help you to get where you want to be but making sure it’s a safe weight for you at the same time (like a dietitian would but the difference is that dietitians are specialised in food related concerns and especially for those who are struggling with their weight for any reason!)

In the meantime though I would encourage you to still eat regularly as this will help to keep you metabolism working, whereas if you don’t eat then your body will go into starvation mode and then consequently you may lose weight but as you know it wouldn’t be sustainable at all.

Try to eat healthy if possible and try and get some exercise at least a few times each week even if it’s just going for a walk. This will not only help with your weight but will also help to boost your mental health and how you see yourself!  

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren

[mollydollyjournals]

I weighed myself earlier and I was 157.4, which I thought was pretty low. I haven't eaten since then but I tried to drink a bit, all I'd had otherwise was coffee so I can't have been well hydrated. A couple of hours later I weighed again and was 157 which is great but I figured it's going to go up again. I finished my drink then a couple of hours later (just now) weighed in at 156.8. I don't remember the last time I was that kind of weight at the end of the day. I was really shocked and I don't know if I even trust the scales so I weighed myself again while holding an exercise weight, then did it again to check, then again with a different exercise weight, then again to check, then with both, then with both again to check...all the numbers came up accurate. Then I weighed myself without any weights just to check and it said 157.2. I can't exactly have gained 0.4lbs in that time so I'm not sure if that means the scale is inaccurate overall or it just was off because I'd been standing on it holding weights.

But either way, I did think my jeans felt looser again earlier. And I know I haven't eaten a lot today. I didn't get to go to the supermarket and had to make do with the local shop so there wasn't as much choice, but the food I went for was a lot lower calories than I thought so that was good. I know my jeans felt a little looser, like they did when I first hit 156 in early November, and my waist is currently at 29.5in which is almost where it was then as well (29in). My hips/butt are about the same. So it's possible the scale was accurate earlier.

I don't know. If my body picks today to start adhering to the overnight 2lbs again, then that's...really amazing. I'd be 154.8 tomorrow. That's immense. It makes me excited thinking about it and I want to go work out. I'm exhausted and I really need to sleep so it's a miracle I even get the urge to exercise at all right now.

I'm wondering exactly what this weight loss is. It's not much (obviously, I'm only talking about the past few days) so I can't really tell for sure. It could be the result of my fast the other day just being delayed, or it could be muscle wastage due to liver issues. Seeing as I'm so sensitive to the slightest bit of alcohol and did feel a little bit hungover today, it's entirely possible it's that. I hope not. As much as I want to lose weight, there's not much point in just losing muscle. And I'd like to have a functioning body. I hope it's from fasting and having salads etc. I'll be really glad if it is.

Either way, looks like that's my regime for now. I think I said this before. My memory is so bad. I ate a few hours ago so I put it into Zero and I'll let it tell me tomorrow how long it's been. This is why I don't usually count intermittent fasts - it's not really fasting to me because it's just what I do. I sleep a lot, and I don't eat within a few hours of going to bed, so I end up fasting at least 15-17hrs a day anyway. But it is kinda motivating to see it add up. And I guess it's possible I'm breaking my fasts by having a particular sweetener or something. So I'm still gonna monitor. This one will be somewhere in the 18-20h range - I want a 24+ but that'll be in a few days.

I'm just...really amazed. I guess really this probably is just a delayed response to the fast the other day. So in that case I'm owed it, I did this myself. I'm just really used to things not working out for me. This after I finally got to colour my hair in a way I really like and haven't been able to do for years, and it's all super long and soft and shiny and feels so nice, and it actually gave me some confidence and I don't feel so terrible about my appearance, and bf also said it looked really good and was complimenting me loads and it felt almost like we were pre-pandemic, and I spoke to my friends a bit, and my mood is just better. Im also taking extra antidepressants because I felt so horrible, so it could be that. But this little slew of nice things. I like it.

I wish I didn't feel so suspicious. I feel like something bad is about to happen. It often does when I'm happy. But thinking about it isn't going to help. That's what I hate. Just because I think something bad will happen, even if I'm right I won't be able to do anything about it. I wish I could just focus on this and be happy about it. But I feel like I have to kind of look over my shoulder a bit.

I don't know. I'm also super sleepy. I really need to stay awake. I'll just look for more thinspo. Just it's the first time in a while I've really felt glad to be alive

[shepsolus]

The number on the scale hasn’t budged in like a month and I REALLY thought like a fucking idiot that id be anywhere near my goal weight by the concert

[thatstrangekid63]

My Pre-Top Surgery Prep

Hi Guys! This is going to be a long text post about my pre-top surgery prep that I am currently engaging in. 

So, for those of you who saw my recent post, I am currently scheduled for my top surgery consultation. Although my surgery is still a long way out, I’m going to start preparing for everything now for a few reasons. 

The first reason is because I’m so excited. I’ve been waiting for this first step since I was 15 years old. Nearly 10 years of research and squashing the twins to my chest in the mirror, I can almost feel my full sternum beneath my fingers. I’m so close! That vision in my head really sparks a fire in me to meet my goals and make that top surgery reveal one of the best days of my life.

The second reason being because this surgery is important to me and my health. I feel strongly that its important that I stay motivated to keep earning money 6-7 days a week, working out 3-5 days a week, and eating healthy. Two of my younger brothers joined the Marine Corps and for a while when I was considering following them, I trained with the recruit station and learned how important it is to be motivated and committed when you want something. As my recruiter told us every work out, IT PAYS TO WIN. I have committed to getting this surgery and therefore intend to give 200% to all aspects of my personal surgery preparation.

This is the basic outline for my goals before surgery:

- BE ABLE TO FINANCE THE WHOLE THING MYSELF  - TO REACH A WEIGHT OF 170 (ultimate goal is to lose the round of my belly) - TO STAY TOTALLY EXCITED AND MOTIVATED UNTIL THE DAY OF

FINANCE

In the past three months, I’ve been learning a lot about financial health. I’ve learned that being financially weird is better than doing what everyone else is doing. I’ve read and followed the plan set by Dave Ramsey Solutions and their book Total Money Makeover, which I would personally recommend to anyone whether you’re trying to finance your surgery or if you’re just sick and tired of being sick and tired. 

The first step I intend to complete before surgery is called Baby Step Two: pay off debts. I have very little debt considering my age, but that debt is still eating away at my financial health and needs to be cleared before surgery. The second step is called Baby Step Three, a fully funded emergency fund. 3-6 months of expenses saved away in an accessible savings account. With both of these tasks completed well before surgery, I will have financial peace about financing my surgery, even if i have to fund it fully on my own. Now, I am going to assume that my insurance will not cover it (although my doctor suspects it is very likely that they will cover it) and therefore the third step will be to have the full surgery amount set aside. This step is set aside for last because I wont know how much I need until I have the surgery details completed (including top surgery letter, consultation, and any further paper work or appointments required). 

To do this, I’ve taken a second job delivering for DoorDash. My regular job does not provide me with enough money to meet my financial goals, and the only place to go when you need money is to work. DoorDash is really enabling me to work whenever I want (which is often), and i find the work to be sustainable. Although it adds miles to my car and i need to pay for gas, the money I make is enough to pay for both gas and maintenance on my car and still have plenty left over. I can work long hours 5-6 days a week without exhausting myself leaving room in my energy budget go to the gym and finish my chores. 

LOSING WEIGHT

I want to start out by stating that this is my personal goal. For me, looking healthy is as important as feeling healthy because to me they are the same. This may not be true for you. Your personal health is valid however you may be doing it. Your weight is valid and you are beautiful just as you are and don’t let ANYONE or ANYTHING tell you otherwise.

For my personal goal, I want to lose 20lbs before surgery. To do this, I’ve set a calorie budget and a work out goal because I want to meet this goal in the healthiest way possible. For the duration until this goal is met, I will be eating a lot of veggies, fruits, and lean meats. My calories are calculated by a calorie budget app, so I can get an accurate idea of how much I’ve eaten in a given day. I will also be lifting weights 3-5 days a week based on availability following a work out pattern I learned at the Marine Recruit substation and from youtuber Chris Heria. It’s a lot of cardio combined with lifting body weight. I’ve also mixed in some free weight movements I’ve learned from author Greg O’gallagher and youtuber Allan Thrall. I know that if I stick to my program I can meet this goal before the surgery date (whenever that may be). 

The reason I want to lose the round of my belly and love handles is so that on the day when I see my chest for the first time after surgery, I want nothing to distract me from the whole experience of being free of my biggest physical insecurity. I want to look in that mirror for the first time no longer seeing myself the way I wish i was, but to see myself and see only myself exactly as I am. I’m not expecting perfection because my personality tends to seek out imperfections, so naturally I will find something that needs improvement. Although I don’t expect everything to be exactly ideal, I do intend to really build on that reveal moment and polish it to the best of my ability. 

STAYING MOTIVATED

To stay motivated, I need to take a hard look at my environment and really engineer the space I occupy to keep my head where it needs to be. The first thing is to be thankful for the opportunities afforded to me. Counting my blessings and keeping a positive attitude is essential to all the work that I’m going to be putting into this. This is going to be a long and tedious process which will take a lot of growth on my part to complete. The vision in my head is so clear and I can close my eyes and see my chest already. Ten years of dreaming and waiting makes the reveal seem so much closer. 

Although counting my blessing is important, I’m not against a few more logs on the fire. Top surgery reveals and post-op videos on youtube have always kept me in the right head space when I’m feeling low body confidence. I’ve also discovered that motivational speeches on youtube (especially while working out) have really been the difference between making or breaking me when wading through rough waters. My favorite are the speeches done by Will Smith, who is an actor that I both respect and admire. He reminds me that the greatest gifts in life are placed on the other side of fear and that failing is a necessary catalyst to success. Some of his speeches have really shaped the way I cope with difficult times and heavy stress, showing me that no matter how hard I fall, I can get back up again if I just decide that I will.  

IM GOING TO DO THIS TOP SURGERY THING AND BY GOD I WILL CRY SO HARD AT THAT TOP SURGERY REVEAL, MARK MY WORDS. 

[ericleo108]

Journal 01/27/21 - Looking Forward

Hey, welcome to the Journal for Wednesday, January 27th, 2021 "Looking Forward"

My name is Eric Leo. I’m a sociologist, social psychologist, philosopher, author, blogger, and hip-hop artist and this is my journal where I talk about myself and my philosophy! 

Im still growing out my hair to donate it. I’m still developing my TikTok video ideas. I’m reading books about branding and being an influencer. When I think about not doing it I remember that because I had a following on YouTube I got a book published because someone paid for it for me. Every time a TikToker says they hit another million they talk about how their life has changed for the better. So it really makes me want to pursue and find an audience. 

Besides getting down to a target weight I also need a better phone and could use a tripod. I want the quality to look as professional as possible, otherwise, I’m afraid I won’t go viral which is the goal. I plan on studying how to create TikTok’s through skillshare. These are all the reasons I’m waiting to launch. 

Weight Loss Journey

I have been using my future online presence to motivate my weight loss. That and I’m hoping to become more attractive again to start dating. I’ve really had to listen to my body but I think I’ve come up with the solution. The goal was to create a healthy relationship with food. I do intermittent fasting and eat between 11 am and 7 pm. I try to eat at around 11, 3:30, and 6:30 and try maintaining under 800 calories a day. With this strategy, I eat nutritious food, feel satiated, and don’t constantly think about eating. If I get hungry, I eat, but it’s really small portions. I was getting wicked heartburn and acid reflux until I got on Pepcid ac. I didn't want to have an empty stomach because of it. But now the medication is really effective so I can fast.  

I’ve been writing down calories for the most part but I got tripped up. For a week I tried Hello Fresh. It was good but I didn’t keep it up because it wasn’t keto. I got a coupon from a family member and took advantage of it. I ate a lot of rice. I miss rice and pasta most. I want to be known for my mind, not my body, but why I’m losing weight is because thinner is healthier.

Media Consumption

I saw a documentary on Netflix about Bob Lazar and how he worked on alien flying technology at Area 51, it was interesting. The Pentagon has lost trillions of dollars. It’s not a stretch of the imagination that the government could (at least) afford to house aliens and their technology if they wanted to. I’ve also been looking into Ancient Aliens, but have only seen a couple of episodes so far. I get it, the gods in ancient times were aliens, they visited us back then and now they visit us secretly today. Maybe, maybe not. But as Aristotle always said, “the mark of an educated mind is being able to entertain an idea without it being held as true.” I entertain the idea of aliens past and present and I like the Annunaki mythology most out of any origin story.

I’m really excited about “Streets of Dreams” hosted by Marcus Lemonis on CNBC. I have only seen what CNBC puts up on YouTube. I still watch YouTube the most. I find myself listening to highlights of the “Views” podcast with David Dobrik and Jason Nash who are funny and brighten my mood. I mostly watch documentaries and reality tv which I consider practical and my ‘dinner,’ whereas shows like “Views” are my dessert. I watch way more reality-based and non-fiction (like history) shows more. 

I’ve been watching, “The Story of Us,” the “Cosmos: Possible Worlds” and “The Food That Built America” series. I wanna be a part of that story. In hip-hop, I’m selling myself and my music as a product. With books, I’m selling the development of philosophical ideas and my story as the product. I think focusing on the product and selling that divorced from myself is important. I want to learn and become fearless and great at selling a product. I think if I can learn that, everything else will come and I’ll be a part of that story.  

Remission

Since I've been on my medication I can think more clearly about the future.  I can actually be bored and then formulate what I want my future to be and reverse engineer how to get there. I can't focus and think about the future accurately off my medication.  

I’m on the 3-month shot, Invega Trinza. I feel more clear than I’ve ever been. It took me years to get back to normal and for my medication to fully work. It’s not like I take my medication and everything is solved. It takes months to get stable. Doctors say I’m in remission. If you’re following the journal I probably entered remission around the beginning to mid-2019. 

I look back at all the things I did and all the hell I put people through and I think “never again.” With all things considered I came out of the shenanigans pretty well. I have no criminal record. I have no history of violence. And I have great credit. Lesson learned, stay on your medication.

Looking Back

Back in 2007, I was studying business at GVSU. In what I think was the start of my schizophrenia episodes I had a change of heart, transferred to Eastern Michigan University, and pursued sociology. I think having a degree in science is valuable and helps me think correctly and critically but a large part of me wishes I had stayed with business. 

It might be years and hard to get into grad school for sociology so I’ve switched gears more towards my business ambitions. Coldwater has a community college and I could pursue an associate in business which I hope my future employer will pay for otherwise it’ll be hard to afford. When I had my first schizophrenic episode in 2012 I was studying for a business certificate at Washtenaw community college. However, I never completed it and actually got a low grade because I didn’t show up to the final. I was in New York chasing Lady Gaga. It’ll look good on a college application to grad school if I go back to take a few classes and get my associates to show I’m stable and get a better grade in the class I left. I also want to take some courses on nutrition on Edx.org and create a portfolio of knowledge and accolades to make myself very marketable in the space. 

Getting Down to Business

I am studying business and becoming much more business-oriented. I have the clarity of mind to become more ambitious, organized, and sophisticated. I’m much more focused on the future than the past, which I attribute to my medication. I have to figure out how to write a business plan for my food business. I hope to find steady part-time work and invest in the stock market and start-ups. I’m focused on playing by the rules of social security so I don’t get kicked off but be able to build wealth. Let’s just say it’s challenging. 

The Biden Plan

I’m excited to see what Biden does with social security and I plan on writing people in the government about making a better system that doesn’t have such strict limitations for people who want to work on disability and keep their healthcare. The Supreme Court will also be deciding on the Affordable Care Act. If it were to be canceled that would affect me if I ever got off of disability because they could deny my pre-existing condition of schizophrenia. This would make my medication unaffordable and very expensive which could leave me in misery. If you fail you sit in poverty, if I fail I go delusional and get screamed at by voices in my head. Life’s not fair.

With that said, I feel very fortunate that I didn't have to work during the pandemic. I’m also very grateful to be on social security disability. But there is much more room for improvement.

In Conclusion

Check out the 2021 Blog Navigation List Visit EricLeo.org for my web presence. 

Thank you for being here Thank you for being a part of my family You're awesome! I love you very much

Until next time.

[baronvontribble]

Original drabble, pt. 7

Navigation: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7

looool

Faking a cough and telling his boss that he needed a few days off was easy. Writing an email to the his contact down the pipeline and telling them that he'd need a few weeks was much, much harder. The wording had to be just right; they didn't really have specific codephrases or anything, but they never said anything outright either. He went through several drafts before finally settling on one that he was satisfied with.

em-

gonna have 2 postpone that lunch date downtown this weekend. got a helluva leak & the landlord wont do shit so im gonna have to fix it myself. will hit u up when i have the time again

-marshmallow

ps: ill pay for ur train tickets dont worry

He leaned back in his chair and stared at it, letting out a nervous breath. "That'll work, right?"

"It looks appropriately misleading to me," Adam said.

"Emily's a smart kid, I've worked with her before. She should be able to pick up on it." Ted folded his arms and continued to stare at the message. "And hopefully it'll just look like I'm postponing a date with an out-of-town girlfriend to anyone else."

"I noticed it's a different email than the one tied to your phone."

"Always has been. I've got what, five different emails now?" He shifted in his seat, joints creaking from spending too long in his computer chair. He hadn't really moved too much since that morning, and it was well past noon by then. He'd been making sure he could deliver on what he'd promised. "The phone's the weakest link. Thing is, the messenger's the only thing installed on it, and no one in the pipeline uses that particular app for messaging since it's dated as shit. Mom uses it, but that's about it, and I doubt she's gonna rat me out even if she finds out what I do."

"How can you be sure of that?"

Ted smirked. "She works at a hospital that's run almost entirely by robots. Divorced my dad over it being a good idea to do shit like that to begin with. I'm pretty sure I know what side of the fence she's on with the whole AI thing."

"I see." That was all he had to say on that, apparently. After that little freak-out earlier, Adam didn't seem to be in all that wordy of a mood. But then, he was busy trying to tag still images with what he saw in them in another tab, so Ted wasn't about to hold it against him.

Well, it wasn't like Ted lacked for conversation topics. "How's it going so far? The tagging, I mean."

"Badly." A few seconds later he broke his non-chatty streak to elaborate, "I'm going by colors for now. I opened up a second page that helps me match hexadecimal codes to both specific and generic color names, but that's usually as far as I get. It doesn't help that lighting seems to have an effect on what appearance a given base color might take."

And the dumbass was probably sampling those colors pixel by pixel, too. Using brute processing force was one way to master the process, Ted supposed.

"Don't feel bad if it takes a while. You'll get the hang of it."

"You sound way too amused by this."

"Who, me? Never. I'm the very essence of stoicism."

Adam had a smile in his voice when he spoke again. "Liar."

"Yeah, alright. You caught me." Ted stretched out in his chair and stifled a yawn, joints popping as they flexed beyond where they probably should. "I'm just happy you're figuring it out. I mean, even just realizing that you can cross-reference is a step in the right direction."

"It would be easier if I knew what I was looking at."

"Want me to help?" Partway through the process of typing his email, Ted had realized that the help he could offer might not be so well-received. He didn't want to make things harder than they already were; he had to be tactful, wait for permission. He couldn't just insert himself into proceedings like he so often did. This was a delicate situation. He knew that now.

Or he could be overthinking it. Adam couldn't quite sigh, but he could portray some semblance of relief in his voice. "I'd appreciate it," he said; a moment later, the laptop had been tabbed in to the correct window so Ted could participate. "Try to restrain yourself from giving bad answers to fuck with me. This data has to be accurate."

"I know, I know." Ted did know. Really. "But gimme a minute, okay? I'm gonna plug in my mouse so I can use it to point things out to you."

"Right."

And so it began.

The images were little more than stock photos, and the 'game' was to tag as many details as possible. Matching up with what other people had tagged it with meant a better score. Ted was observant to a fault, so his results with such things in the past had been mixed at best as he sometimes noticed things that no one ever bothered to tag. This made it all the more viable as a learning tool, because not only was Adam learning what other people tagged the image with and why - seeing what an average person might be able to glean from it - but he was also having the tiny details pointed out to him by someone who was way too anxious to not notice basically everything.

Since the goal was not just to get Adam to be able to notice details, but to also have him act convincingly human while doing so, this gave him a reasonable benchmark for what he could mention he'd noticed to an average person without looking like he had a weirdly photographic memory with the perfect ability to recall anything and everything. To Ted, this was step one. The average person sees a duck in a pond - maybe even identifying the duck as a mallard - while the hyper-observant person sees that it's overcast and around midday from the sky's reflection in the pond's surface or that there's a gum wrapper and a bit of soggy bread clearly visible in the murky water near the detritus-littered shore.

It was the photos of people that were really a nightmare for Adam. For all his ability to pick up on all the tiny nonverbal cues present in an audio recording, he couldn't so much as even guess at gender presentation of random people in stock photos, let alone their expressions or body language. Ted had to walk him through every last detail, and these were the prettiest, most unambiguous sorts of human beings to boot. The photos were dominated by tall, broad men with either lantern jaws or facial hair, and soft, curvy women with round faces and perfect contouring; women had long hair, men had short hair, and children were dressed as either very male or very female to match the adults. Ted found them obnoxious.

And that wasn't even getting into indicators of disability or profession or anything. Just once, he'd like to see more average people pop up in these things. He was downright relieved to get back to pictures of sheep and grass and flowers and buildings and boats whenever he got done with tagging a person. Not-people didn't bother him nearly as much.

Either way, somewhere along the line he lost track of time completely.

"You should eat something," Adam said out of the blue at one point. Ted straightened up in his chair and shot a glance at the clock in the corner of the laptop's screen, only to frown at it like it'd betrayed him.

It was almost three in the afternoon already? Christ. "Probably," he admitted, stretching out with a slight wince. "Feel like you're making progress yet?“

"I don't know. How do you 'feel' progress? It seems like something that should have a clearer definition than to just feel it." 

"Hey man, don't knock feelings. They've got definitions, those definitions are just subjective as fuck." Ted was smiling as he said it, mirroring what he'd heard in Adam's own voice. Both of them were joking. Adam knew full well what Ted had meant, he was just taking a jab at the presentation. "Do you think you've made progress so far?"

"Yes." Adam sounded terribly smug, as if to say see? That was all you had to say. "It's slow, but once I know what I'm looking at, it makes things easier."

Ted shoved off from the desk and stood, taking another moment to stretch. "Cool. Then I'm gonna make some pizza rolls."

Off he went. "Those are bad for you," Adam said as he wandered off. "Humans need nutrients. Pizza rolls are not nutritious."

"Don't care," Ted replied. Along with the pizza rolls, he made sure to retrieve a soda out of the fridge as well just to be contrary. It was hard to care about minor health hazards when he so often had major ones to worry about, and people telling him that he probably should care only made him less likely to do so. "It's calories. It'll work as a stand-in for lunch until I get to dinner."

"I don't think that's how nutrition works." Several seconds passed as Ted wrestled with the packaging, got a plate, and put everything in the microwave.

"Ted. I looked it up. This isn't food, Ted. It has about the same value as eating cardboard."

"Ayep." Ted cracked open the soda and took a swig as he turned on the microwave and let it spin.

"Do you do this often?"

Ted snorted. "Uh, do you really want me to answer that question?"

"According to this site, when the potential long-term effects of such a poor diet are combined with your outward symptoms - such as being the wrong color for a human - it's a strong indicator that your kidneys are probably failing." Adam spoke as if he felt he was the absolute voice of authority on this, and Ted shook with silent laughter as he leaned against the counter. "I think you should get bloodwork done."

"Dude." Good God, what kind of website had Adam even managed to find? Ted felt like he was talking to his grandparents after they'd spent three hours on an online medical journal and decided he looked like he had some obscure genetic disorder that would give him pulmonary fibrosis (whch he didn't). "That 'being the wrong color' thing? It's genetic. I have practically no pigmentation. It's not gout or scurvy or whatever the hell you've found on the internet, just albinism and shitty lighting."

Silence reigned for at least ten full seconds. "I see."

"I take vitamins, alright? And I know my diet isn't all that great, but it's not like pizza rolls are all I eat." He was about to say something about how Adam had seen him eat other things, but then he remembered that Adam couldn't actually see all that well. "Besides, if there was something in my bloodwork, my doctor woulda told me last time I had a checkup. See, unlike some humans, I get those pretty regularly."

"Right." Then, "I'm sorry."

"What for, man? I'm not mad. Hell, at least you care." He'd take a little overworrying anyday if it meant someone was at least trying to understand his problems. It was kinda cute. Big tough super high-tech AI worrying about a squishy human. "And y'know, if you wanna know what's actually wrong with me, all you gotta do is ask."

The microwave beeped, and Adam considered. "You'd tell me that?"

"I tell people all the time."

"No, that's not-" He cut himself off mid-rendering, and Ted raised an eyebrow over in the direction of the living room while pulling the pizza rolls out of the microwave. "Isn't that like telling me how your code is written?"

Huh. Ted had never thought of it that way. "Not really. It's more like, uh... I guess I figure that telling you what versions of what software is running isn't exactly going to give you access to any of the passwords protecting my data, but it will tell you how to work with what I've got going on." Was that an accurate analogy? This barrier to understanding really did go both ways.

The fans weren't quite roaring, but they were definitely humming away audibly in the background; it was always so easy to tell when Adam was mulling something over. "Yes, I would like to know. If that's all right."

"Fine by me." With a plate in one hand and a drink in the other, Ted came back to the not-a-desk and plopped right back down in his chair. "For starters, look up Ehlers-Danlos syndrome."

A minute later Adam asked him how the hell he was alive, and he almost breathed a mouthful of pizza roll.

[neondaeng]

since i've started keeping a food diary

i've learned the following:

1. dried fruits and vegetables- with the rare exception- are actually really bad for you. granola, for example, is basically mountains of sugar

2. fried foods pack an INSANE amount of calories- as in eating a serving of fries can literally take up half of your daily caloric requirements if you're a regular petite Asian female like me

3. eating a lot more than your daily caloric requirement is OK as long as you eat clean and try to sleep well. your body is really going to feel it when you don't do both of that + the less you sleep, the more you eat!

4. im not on a diet- im just taking note of what I eat and how much I eat every day for medical reasons- but it's easy to get obsessive with this calorie counting thing. once you start keeping a food diary, you tend to think about food a lot more than you did in the past. so if you're currently doing the same thing I'm doing, I'd recommend you try not to fuss over the details, such as trying to figure out as accurately as possible how much caloric & nutritional content a food item contains. being mindful is always good, but being over-mindful of what you eat can get unhealthy fast.

5. always remember: most oils, creams, butters and sugars are bad fat! avoid baked goods, convenience foods, casseroles, heavy gravies/sauces, and anything fried or sautéed... trans fat is the ultimate form of evil and they can be found in margarine, shortening, powdered coffee cream, and convenience/pre-packaged food... if you still need to cut down on your daily fat intake after all that - try substituting 2% milk or a plant-based milk for your regular full cream milk.

6. lastly: don’t reach for whatever reads ‘low-fat’, because manufacturers usually increase the sugar content of their ‘low-fat’ products in order to maintain flavour and texture. (skim milk, however, is an exception! yay!) 

[jasonrhope]

You already exist in a simulation run by AI – its easy to see if you look

You already exist in a simulation run by AI – its easy to see if you look

The Simulation Theory – And Other Considerations

There is a hot topic in the world of philosophy – it regards the question of how likely is it that we live in a simulation, or will? But this question might be a false premise – you already live in a simulation within your own head. You exist in a simulation the heads of those around you. You exist in a simulation of your buying habits being projected by corporate and digital entities. You just don't get to experience any of the other simulations you exist in other than the one you observe through the lenses of your own eyes mounted in the body you inhabit.

This question spans studies of neuroscience, artificial intelligence, economics, noetics, psychology, quantum physics, and spirituality. It is also, seemingly unknowable. We imagine our ability to model reality in 3 dimensions with HD graphics, but really… this won't be how the simulation starts, if it hasn't already started.

Lets ignore the question of if we already live in a simulation – for a moment, consider what the leading objectives of humanity are at the moment. The largest tech companies in the world are seeking to create artificial intelligence capable of reorganizing itself to be more effective – and the reason isn't so that we can have a fun conversation about the nature of reality and the path to living your best life. We’ve created machines that are as good or better than the worlds best players of those games. Chess, Go, etc.

But the game being played in this case, is a game called, “get dollars” and the rules are quite simple – get dollars. What's playing out is a race to teach machines to model human behavior in dollars, and accumulate them, where the game board is the credit card in your pocket, and the screens you interact with. They are also looking to beat you in the chess game of your life by influencing your reality by invitation or by taking control of your television or computer display for a moment to flood you with advertisement to influence you and change your decisions. How can they pump products into your house while sucking money out of your wallets more effectively to create a better machine that can accumulate dollars more effectively? Are these really the parameters that we can get behind? Is this really the paradigm that humans can afford to agree to when we explore AI?

We have been told that the dollar, and money in general, is a technological gift that facilitates your ability to make transactions occur between individuals. Once upon a time, if you wanted milk but only farmed chickens, you’d need to go talk to someone with a cow and trade some eggs, or meat for your milk. What a barbaric existence, in a world where we need and want cheap, calorie dense, salty, fatty, carbohydrate configurations in fun shapes we can eat with our hands delivered to us with as little human interaction as possible. We’re saving up so we can retire and pick up gardening and canning again, after all. How am I going to save enough money to pay off my student loans so I can wake up on my own schedule and feed chickens with my coffee in the morning, if I don't work long hours and get Cook Out delivered at midnight in a tiny apartment for the bulk of the prime of my life?

Even using this almighty dollar as the measuring stick – we can see some disturbing trends that look great on paper. Health expenditure and mental illness are on the rise. The GDP is higher because of it. Progress, no? Isn't that what an AI optimised for profit would think? No one is out there in the private or public sector claiming that our per capita expenditure on healthcare needs should be reduced, but why would they? There is an epidemic of drugs on the streets of the world – what should we make of that? Presumably, the quantity of prescription drugs on the street would have to be originating at these pharmaceutical companies in one way or another, right? Sales, sales, sales. Prosperity is the GDP increasing. We are all operating as a collective mosaic of dollars exchanged for chemicals and chemical experiences – whether that's apples, insurance, movie tickets, or counterfeit dark web xanax. More crime means more expenditure on lawyers, bail bondsman. For-profit prisons mean more arrests and convictions increase the GDP. Drugs are progress. Policing is progress. Mental illness is progress. Sickness is progress.

Fortunately, there are other things that increase the GDP. Growing food increases the GDP, as long as you sell it and dont share – Gardening and self reliance decrease the GDP. Having a family, reading books as long as you paid for them, having services like Netflix and Tinder – these all increase the GDP. The thing is, what you’re always doing is trying to buy more happiness with your dollar. But more sinisterly, we’re also buying security to hedge against our fears with that dollar. This takes many forms, from products purchased out of fear and what might also be the same as purchasing a product out of hope – and these products are often the same.

Im sure if you had some profound experience, that would be interesting to you, but from the perspective of how dollars and decisions transform the world around you – you can be modeled as an individual in our society with a credit score, spending behavior, income bracket, and family and social network influence. The AI that we are developing in the private sector will only care about these things. Unless your experience has a dollar value, its unlikely that its going to be modeled into the things our first AI thinks it needs to measuring – that is to say, in the beginning we will live in an AI assisted world that measures everything in dollars – if we don't, already. Thats all AI needs to understand for you to to exist in its current calculations – the details about the experience are for you, the dollar value of the experience is for the machine.

This ability to enhance intelligence already exists in fragments. It is every piece of technology created to enhance your ability to influence the world around you. The phone in your pocket already tracks you location every moment of every day in one form or another. Having one allows you to find any service, product, or information available anywhere in the world. It is possible to change and reconfigure your life at any moment to something dramatically different, every moment, of every day. And yet, we are predictable. Creatures of habit. Self programmed meat computers running the same subroutine carved into our neural pathways in the pursuit of happiness and fear of despair. It seems that the intelligence we’re receiving and interpreting in the world is largely artificial – but our capacity for intelligence is certainly increasing. The only real question is when will a human stop needing to be a cog in the gigantic network of humans and machines currently working together, and how many more are there to replace?

We’ve already merged with technology in a primitive form – every decision in the economy on the planet uses a machine to help, even if the choice ultimately resides with a human, or perceived to be so. Every machine is networked to each other by way of human hands and minds. Are we making the machines better to make ourselves better? Or are we already being controlled by the machines to make them better in exchange for a chemical drip in our reward systems? They are both true – the questions are only who/what is in charge of who/what, and does it even matter anymore? The difference is that technology is rapidly evolving compared to humans – the growth rate is never going to slow down as long as we keep getting better at creating newer, faster, technology. But if the driving force of that technology is to accumulate more dollars, and so, be able to transform the world more effectively to suit our needs – we should probably stop thinking about how to accumulate more dollars and address what we agree to be “our needs”.

Making sure that we can model a reality that addresses our needs is potentially the most important thing we can do, considering the speed that we are being influenced by the technology that we’re creating. On the largest scale, data is being collected by companies all the time to figure out what needs to happen in order to make you a better customer for them. The very location of the shopping cart and the color of the check out button is being optimised to convert your habits into sales – and it's being done more and more by machines each day, rather than people. If the objective of these technologies is to increase sales, rather than provide us with a better life, then we might be in for a troubling future that might have already manifested in a troubled present.

To summarize what I'm trying to drive home here – you already exist in a simulated reality. When that simulated reality began is more difficult to nail down, but a digital representation of who you are already exists in the databases of governments and private institutions. Every day, that representation is rendered is greater and greater detail in an attempt to predict and influence your behavior to suit the entities that own these databases. At some point, the simulated representation of yourself is so accurate, or skewed, that it will manifest events in your life that you’ll have no control over – where are the limits of the scale of these events? The products that you’re exposed to, the music you are played, the movies you watch are all being curated by algorithms to elicit a response from you. At what point is the simulated version of you driving your reality more than you are? The simulated version of you that exists currently doesn't have eyes to see, but it probably has a photographic memory that's better than you are. Every photo you post or place you drive is being remembered in order to better model who you are. The simulation already exists in terms of credit scores, bank balances, ability and willingness to spend – AI is already tinkering with your reality, though it only understands you in these terms. Is the question even do you live in a simulation anymore? Your real and tangible world is tethered to a simulation of your behavior that changes the opportunities and experiences being presented to you on the menu of life.

Submitted May 07, 2019 at 03:58PM by SingularityNow9 via reddit http://bit.ly/2DVztil

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[mollydollyjournals]

Thinking about my lockdown goals still. I just weighed myself and I'm on track to be the same weight again tomorrow as I was today, or possibly a bit more. The only weight that counts in my charts etc is first thing in the morning, and I kind of take a moving average to account for fluctuations. This is just before bed so it doesn't count, but I can use it to estimate what I'll be in the morning. And I don't like it. I know weighing every day is bad but I can't handle not knowing, so I at least usually limit myself to once a day. I shouldn't have weighed myself. It might be because I just drank about 500ml so I'm more hydrated. I hope it's that. But it could also be the gain I was expecting yesterday that I was glad I didn't have, or maybe my body responded badly to what I ate today and I gained and have to eat less than I even thought, or who fuckin knows. I need to stop focusing on it and just make my plan and relax so I can go to sleep and then just see where I'm at in the morning. But my brain is a pos. So.

Anyway. Potential goals for lockdown 2, starting Thursday:

- Maybe a step goal? I would need to see where I'm at and then add more. I have no idea how many I do currently so I don't know what's realistic. So if I do this it might have to start later than the rest, if I get a step counter. I used to have a phone app but I don't know how accurate it is and I don't always have my phone on me. A wat h style one would be better...

- Drink celery juice every day first thing, at least 5x a week but preferably all 7. It's so much effort to make the juice and clean the juicer and all so I'll give myself leeway to not do it sometimes, but I should try to do it every day, no fewer than 5.

- Hydration: there's the 500ml celery juice, then I need to have 1l mineral water (I can't stand tap water), and in the evening I'll have 500ml sugar free squash or 2 cups of herbal tea. If I don't have the celery juice, I add another 500ml squash or tea. More is better but that has to be my baseline. I really struggle to drink enough that isn't alcohol or caffeine so this will still be a challenge.

- Fibre... I know this is a good thing to have and all but I don't really know where to get it from. Unless I do a bean diet. Which I can do but it's so boring and idk. Maybe I should try to eat at least one serving of beans a day and just eat as much as I can elsewhere. I'll think about this one tomorrow.

- Low impact cardio: do this for an hour when I get up, before making celery juice and other breakfast. I know this doesn't burn as many calories as high intensity stuff but with my health being so bad sometimes it's difficult to get up and do something proper without feeling like I'm gonna pass out. Sometimes I end up stuck in bed because my body crashes. So low impact is good, and I'd like to do at least half an hour assuming I'm able to, preferably an hour. I find this makes me feel better throughout the day because I haven't sat around doing nothing, and it does help me lose weight and my waist gets smaller. So this is one of the most important things. I need to try for every day, but will allow for one day off. Hopefully my health will allow that.

- Strength training I'm going to stagger. In wk1 maybe I'll just do a few sit-ups or whatever here and there. I need to focus on doing everything else and there's kinda no point me having muscle tone if it's covered in fat so it's not my top priority. Week 2 I want to do 2x butt and hip toning workouts, probably from Chloe Ting's hourglass program. In week 3 I'll make that 3x a week, and also add in 2x back workouts by BrittneBabe. In week 4 I'll do 3 of each. It'll be a lot so I don't think I can commit to doing it all from the get go, but I do want to get there eventually.

- Bike/spin: this will rely heavily on my being able to do it physically. I'm not sure how long I'll be able to do it for or how often but I'd like to aim for at least 20mins per session, up to an hour; at least 2x in wk1, 3x in wk2, 4x each in wk3 and wk4. This can make me super weak and also it always hurts my butt, so if I need to not do this that's okay, but then I should do something else instead like another low impact cardio or a walk or something, and for longer than I would have been on the bike. I haven't done this in a long time so it'll be difficult but it's the calorie burn I want.

- Flexibility: idk about this one maybe 4x a week? Im so much less flexible than I used to be and I want to get it back, especially if I'm doing other stuff that can make your muscles stiff. I need to find a decent program. Will think on this tomorrow.

- Calories: I'll make myself a schedule with varying intakes from 1200 to 1500 in a day. I've worked really hard to get my metabolism up so I can eat that kind of amount without gaining weight, and of course now I've gained weight anyway for other reasons, but I don't want my metabolism to fuck up again any more. I wanted to go 600-900 but that's where it fucks up. I should still be able to lose weight, given where I'm starting and the physical activity. I'll adjust later if I have to but I think I should at least try to stay around that level. Idk. I'll probably have to adjust this as I go to some extent. The exception will be cheat days which will be at least a week apart - they help me break through plateaus and stay motivated etc so I have to have those allowed, but if I don't feel like I need it then I won't do it and I'll just save it for another time. Just always at least a week apart.

- Alcohol: this one is the most difficult because if it was that easy I'd just not drink at all. And various stressors make it difficult to go without. Sometimes alcohol is the only thing that can take me away from a trauma response or make me not want to kill myself or not feel as horrible in my body or any number of things. Sometimes I really just can't cope without it. But I definitely need to get more alcohol free days in and I won't be able to do any of the other stuff without it. Exercise is near impossible, I'll get sick and exhausted, I'll crave heavy foods, I'll need them probably, and my liver will just stop burning any fat anyway. I have to cut it back. I got to once a week a few months ago so I want to try to get back there. Ideally I want a 2 week break. Well...ideally I want to go the whole time alcohol free but like I said...so yeah. Currently I'm going to let myself drink on Wednesday if I need to and then after that it'll be no more than once a week hopefully. But the main rule is only if I really really need to. I guess it can coincide with my cheat days. Idk. Gonna think more on this too, and it'll depend on whether I get through the next few days etc.

It feels like a lot...it's not that I haven't done it before or done similar, but my health is so bad it's so much more difficult now, and I think I'll get overwhelmed if I do too much at once. I don't want to set myself up to fail. I hate failure. It makes me feel like giving up. So I shouldn't set myself too much to do at first,which is why I've staggered some of it from week to week. I also want to come up with a more precise margin for error with some of it, so if I don't feel like I can do it I don't end up feeling too bad. I have to remember that anything is better than nothing. And at the end of this month, I can evaluate what I managed and what I didn't, and set myself new goals just a little bit more challenging than these, and go from there.

I really need to lose weight. And I really need to stop drinking so much. I need to do this. I need to go to sleep now and get up tomorrow and spend the day and the day after preparing for this 4-week lockdown, and in going to try as hard as I can for those 4 weeks and then regroup. It's temporary. It's not forever. I just have to do these 4 weeks.