#im arguing with myself help
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Heart: Can you get me mayo?
Mind: But we have mayo.
Heart, meaning ‘It’s going to run out soon’: It’s going to die soon
#chonny jash#submission#cj mind#cj heart#chonnys charming chaos compendium#ever since mayo brownies were invented the mayo deserves to die#-soul probably#i say just to make that relevant#says the soul kinnie#shut up me#im arguing with myself help#omg hert & minm reference#its 2am im sorry
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🕸🎀˚.⁺⊹
#so i have an appt. to the psychiatric department for personality disorders tmrw...#and like i tried sending a self referral to them last year lmao#and they only said that heyyy you're doing amazing sweetie you are high functioning 🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻#then i've ben to the health care center and since they think they cant treat me bc it's too severe they've sent referrals to other places#which have all declined me... so they also sent one to the psychiatric who sent a referral to this pd department#who that time also said that they can't accept me#so the therapist at the health care center like idk exactly but she sent a report on how they didnt handl my case properly#which made them call on me for an evalutation appt.#but i have 0 hopes. i honestly think the entire psych care is fucking lame and bullshit#i highly doubt they're even equipped to treat personality disorders#& even if they are theire budgetis getting cut bc ppl love having rightists ruling the government .... which means no funds for healthcare#anyway. PLUS it's a man.... -_- which reducuses my chances of being taken seriously even more...#i also hate talking to male therapists/psychiatrists... no fucking thanks. but i have to </3#i just really dont wanna go. like im gonna have to put energy into trying to argue for my right for treatment. w ppl who should inferstand#UNDERSTAND* i hate typing on my ipad ffs. they should understand my personality disorders..#bit health care proffessionals are horrible ppl and dont give a fuck abt their patients lol. so they're only condescending and rude 🤢🤮#i hate being in these environments bc everyone treats u like shit. the receptionists are so fkn rude and almost outright mean and insulting#the doctors and therapists and psychiatrists are all bullies who look down on u and make u feel small and worthless#so im really dreading it... but im also at my wit's end. i am missing out on my entire life. im desperate for help#even if i wholeheartedly believe that these worthless wastes of space wont give me any treatment i'll still need to go and try#then ig i'll just have to keep pestering the healthcare system. i might wventually even have to start going to the psych. ER so they put#that on my records and like idk. that costs money tho. plus from everyone i've heard from...#being at a psych ER esp when your situation isnt dire is awful and hell#my cousin who had been ther after a sui attempt had said that it 'scared him straight'#and that it was so terrible that he did everything to get back home as soon as possible and do whatever to never end up there again#so yuh... i'd rather not!#i was supposed to (my own decision) to write a list with ALL my symptoms and bring and be like LOOK MONGREL!!!#but since i suffer from avpd...... i havent. i procrastinated and now it's too late whoopsie. i'll just have to wing it fuckkkk 🥴#ofc it also has to be 8.45 .. so early in the morning for me im so mad ahhhhh i dont wanna go i am throwing up and screaming#but atp i'd have to pay $35 myself for not going so that will motivate me enough to force myself to go
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if you draw enough monster ocs, when you go back to drawing a human character, it feels like "sameface syndrome" everytime, by virtue of their face being. human.
#toy txt post#or maybe i am just sameface syndrome#but also different face syndrome#two characters will have the same face but then the next time i draw those characters its a different face than they had last time!#i know part of it is being out of practice but also there is definitely an element of feeling constrained by human facial structure lmao#the monsters have Their Own Problems but like. no one has a face like bokrae no matter how inconsistent i am about drawing her#her features are iconic enough to her that you can tell everytime#birdie???? i faceclaimed eartha kitt for her and im still struggling cos i feel weird about faceclaiming as a concept#but even then 😭 one time i was trying to give headloose a face and someone was like wow he looks like birdie!#me 😭😭😭😭😭 what!!!!!! hes not supposed to!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i need to practice. features#you know the worst part about coming up w a bunch of fuckin Scenarios in my brain for ocs is that i have even fucking Drawn them yet#to give them like. iconic staple features and figure out what their faces look like. which feels like it would really help to have that#knowledge and muscle memory before i jump into trying to draw intense scenes with difficult poses!!#not to mention. listen. i can do the monster faces. somewhat. the bodies??????????? well for one. theyre too big everytime#im convinced i could be trying to draw bokrae on like a full ass wall size paper like a mural thing and run out of room. it just keeps#happening. i have no sense of scale for them either. by which i mean i struggle w scale already and also cant decide what i want it to be#and ive tried to handwave it away by being like ohhh uh. birdie casts spells on them to change their sizes for convenience but also#no. perhaps that explanation works for other ppl. @ myself tho its not good enough i Know Better!!!!!!#agh!!!!!!! i really need to figure out bokrae's Teeth also. like i dont. i coukd get away with it. but i should. and i want to.#anyway all this to say that i need to give these characters faces and body designs (actually the body designs for humanoid ocs is the easy#part. the faces are whats stumping me? well. i need more practice w all the body types again but like i Know what im Going For at least.#for the most part anyway. havent fully figured out heights. struggling w characters that i want to make short but give imposing tall energy#on occasion? birdie can be short all day long no problem. I want Alasdair to be short enough that he has a bunch of short boyfriends that#feel tall around him? bytte was going to be like 6ft max but then i thought about making her taller and like. what if i made her taller#headloose is not that /short/ but he is Not Tall and prolly pretty lean? twink build for sure#and of course all these short /tall distinctions come with a bias of relativity to my own height which i categorize as medium height#but short ppl call me tall and insist its not average and tall ppl call me short. (5'6) and then i have to factor in how the gender changes#the dynamic of a height like my height is Short For A Man but medium to tall for a Woman. which id argue is medium height bc mens heights#are socially held to high standards (hehe) and also i know ethnicity/race is also a factor? but im out of tags. rip. bye
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lol busted inside of my lip
#wasnt aiming 4 my mouth tbh just needed it to hurt or i was gonna cry i remember why i have daddy issues too#i am a crybaby and its annoying ik but dont use the angry get out my sight voice on me you will b the one regretting it not me bc fine#anyway i dont even argue with him when im like this anymore damn rly may hav lost like all fight in me at all just went with it went inside#hit myself a bunch put on shoes n went n helped bc easier to just go with anything tbh#batbaby rambles
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I know it would literally never happen, but whenever the speculation of who the next James Bond will be comes up, I can only think about how I would sell my soul to get a butch lesbian James Bond 😣
#cause people are always arguing against having a female 007 bcs it would change too much#okay so why not just swap her gender and change nothing else 😌#i realized when writing this post tho that my one oc is literally my concept for a lesbian james bond 😭#butch lesbian womanizer who wears suits all the time and smokes/drinks too much and loves money and weapons#i think about this every once in a while and i want it so badly but it will literally never happen#please she would be so masc and cool and sexy#i dont know if i necessary like the idea of making a new chara to be 007#but like....female James Bond but nothing else changes 👀#im trying to fall asleep and i can only envision various scenes from casino royale but w my version of james bond#pls she could be jamie bond!!!#sorry this is completely random and probably nonsensical but it haunts me so often#every time i rewatch casino royale im like man...espionage movies are cool! and then start fantasizing about female james bond#the names bond. jamie bond.#maybe i will draw it sometime#just not sure how id design her bcs as i said my brain cant help but be a bit stuck on my oc that fits pretty well#but seriously. they wouldnt even have to change anything!#like they have all the jokey pun names for women...guess what. even more opportunities#but like gahhhhhh i think about a masc woman in the bond movies ive watched and im like wow i would enjoy this movie substantially more!#like the shower scene in casino royale........#i cant even rly bring myself to watch bond movies older than the daniel craig ones bcs the objectification and misogyny bothers me too much#but imagining a masc woman in their place 👀 i am on board!#imagining her with bond girls 😳😳😳😳😳#sorry again: super random but it is late please forgive me#catie.rambling.txt
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getting mental healthcare is really cool, its like asking someone to take a sledgehammer to your self-interest and then saying thank you after because it makes your life moderately easier even though you have to deal with this shit now
#red rambles#my psychiatrist wants to put me on anxiety medication to help me sleep because she thinks the issue with me sleeping and stuff is ptsd rela#related and I CANT REALLY ARGUE??? i dont think it is and as far as im concerned i dont feel anxiety at all but like I CANT REALLY ARGUE. i#keep thinking about it because to be completely honest this pisses me off more than i can express in words and ive been gnashing my teeth#about it all afternoon and like i dont think 'i have to play loud and abrasive music at night or else i jerk awake at every sound and can't#convince myself it was nothing and also have auditory hallucina#oh fuck. lmfao i forgot to mention that.#she was even talking about how auditory hallucinations are a lot more significant and i do just kind of have low grade auditory hallucinati#all the fucking time i just dont pay attention to them because i play music and ignore it. hashtag mentally healthy and sound#like im fine the last time i heard a coherent Voice telling me to coherent Do Things i was like 17 lmfao#but i sure do hear footsteps that aren't and breaking glass that isnt and indistinct human voice murmuring sounds that arent all the time#........ fucking i dont feel like emailing her to be like hi i forgot to mention this because i am so good at tuning it all out.#if its that big a deal it'll start mattering for realsies and if its not ill just let it lie until next appointment#ANYWAY THAT DOES KIND OF SOUND LIKE THE BEHAVIORS OF AN ANXIOUS PERSON. A LITTLE.#the jerking awake if there are noises and making up noises to jerk awake to bit. specifically#but also like it doesnt scare me it just makes me wake up and then i am awake and going 'what??? bhuh???' and then im mad im awake but#im not scared very often. it takes a lot. ignore that the last time i got significantly capital s scared was like two weeks ago i thought m#friend's house was on fire and they were about to go to sleep and die. thats a reasonable situation to be freaked out in#ANYWAY THIS PISSES ME OFF REALLY BAD. I DONT LIEK IT.
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therapy is going to be a struggle bc i just know that as soon as i mention The Divorce the therapist will try to trace all my problems back to The Divorce and to be completely honest with you, i dont think ive ever had a specific problem with my parents not being together anymore (i kinda knew itd happen eventually) and i feel like my issues come more from the aftermath than from the event itself
#you could argue that this would mean it is actuallh a product of divorce but like. man. thats just not true if im completely honest#i wish i could be one of those fictional characters people write fics about where they overcome a decade of trauma in one conversation and#then get magically better and theres this line thats like ''its not always easy but theyre trying their best'' but the relationship the#author built is in fact perfext and flawless and the times where it isnt easy dont come from the characters unhealthy behaviour affecting#the relationship it actually comes from when the character js SAD#sigh idk. i need a therapist. ik its gonna be a struggle but its better than nothing.#ive been trying to get one since last year but the last lady bailed on me like twice and it killed a bit of my willingness to go to therapy#and now i keep asking my parents to help me out with getting a new one and they just arent (this is not somwthing i can do by myself)#anyways ^____^ life goes on#talk#oh also yes i feel like this about therapy specifically bc of this lady. so sorry to all therapists that i will talk to this is a thing now
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Wondering if tumblr is really good for me
#fudge does a talky talk#idk im just thinking#i keep on going to reply sections (bad idea)#and find myself getting into arguments#but what im most concerned about is how#idk harsh i feel im becoming?#like i try my best to somewhat be polite even in repkies but I find myself failing#and i feel like the hostility in tumblr reply sections in general might be a part of that#idk i probably just need to stay away from replies#i geuss whats concerning as well is that i usually tried to avoid arguments in the past#it felt like a pointless waste of energy that wouldn't change the other oersons mind anyway and woukd juetclead to anger on both sides#maybe in some ways its better that I'm more open to the idea people won't always be closed minded but#idk if thats worth the amount of aggression that usually comes with using tumblr reoky sections#or if replying and argueing at all is really worth it#or maybe I'm just blaming tumblr for a me problem idk#because I'll admit deep down kindness is not my first instinct#it is unfortunately to insult and attack perceived threats#i try to manage that but i don't always succeed#maybe tumblr doesn't help but idk#I know I don't usually make posts like these but#i geuss i should in case this leads to me not using tumblr as much? idk if thats going to haooen honestly but I'm thinking#In case it does i felt i should post this so people would udnerstand whats going on#i geuss i don't exactly owe anyone that but#I also wanted to get this off my chest#the more i think about it i think this is more of a 'tumblr bringing out the worst in me' then 'tumblr making me act a way i usually wouldn#idk what haplened with the reoly sections though i really used to not do that#geuss I've been desperate for human interaction? and getting into arguments is easier then starting a freindly conversation with someone#and idk maybe I've been feeling frusterated and like I can't really express my feelings to the people around me#so I've also been craving being able to actually say I don't agree with something#vent post
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Your impulse to believe every last bad thing people say about a guy and then if that guy is victimized by those people or the people who spread the rumors you dont even try to look into if thats even the case, you just assume hes bad by default-- yeah thats incredibly unfair to guys who are victims of abuse.
#so here i am having to heal my trauma on my own bc people think im a bad person. cool.#and then people would use me as an argument point 'this is why men who use guys who are victims of abuse as an argument need#to actually do something to show they care' she said so smugly. knowing those guys wont give that guy any care no matter how#correct she is about sussing them out on their bullshit.#so instead im being given 0 options at all bc both men and women want to use me as an argument jumping off point rather than see#me as a real human right here right now whos suffering and in need of aid.#you're arguing about giving me a place to stay right in front of me. and at the end of the day neither of you actually want to help#create a space for me to heal anyways. im just another talking point to you. left in the dust. left to try to figure out how to heal#myself alone all over again. something I never expected to have to do in feminist spaces- spaces I intentionally entered to get healing#about ANOTHER abuse that happened to be as a kid- though if im honest I never really found healing in such spaces its all kinda just#hating on men for the most part- so truly like the rest of my entire shit life i've had to learn how to heal my trauma all alone. which isn#great nor ideal since on my own im bound to pick up worse coping mechanisms than if I actually got help from others. and lord knows#I have *motions to the scars on my arms* but yknow you'd rather use me as a talking point rather than be what I thought you were-#the last resort I had to maybe actually finally get some actual fucking help with my trauma.#vent#to say im disappointed is an understatement. i'm more just sad at this point. i'm tired of being promised better and then its shit.
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what do you think about the kaeya = caribert theory? i saw some people use it as an 'explanation why his skin is dark' like. oh he used to be a Monster and the skin is a remnant of it :) and it pissed me off so bad. i need to know what other people think about it
its honestly not a theory im super fond of i think its a little stupid no offense. i dont think it makes a lot of sense? to go super in depth i'd have to take another look at the caribert quest (and maybe read up on the khaenri'ah lore we have so far again) but i kinda feel like it establishes pretty firmly that kaeya couldnt be caribert. descended from that branch of the family maybe (though im more fond of the theory that kaeya is descended from the branch of alberichs that were actually being regents, something that chlothar wasnt involved in because he distanced himself from the rest of the family to look after his son) (makes sense that kaeya would know more about the alberichs being the regents in khaenri'ah than he knows about an alberich being the founder of the abyss order) (theres a post about it i reblogged it some time ago and it hasn't left my mind since) but like.. him actively being caribert? sounds.. honestly really dumb to me.. don't ask me how kaeya isnt (or at least doesn't seem to be) affected by any curse, be it monsterification or immortality, but i just feel like that isnt the explanation. the actual explanation could be related to the events in caribert though.. cant wait for them to tell us what it actually is lol. on the off chance that this fucking theory is true then ill just bite my tongue i guess but i know im right. ok now moving on to the elephant in the room. what kind of take even is thatttttt "thats why his skin is dark"what is bro talking about🔥🔥‼️ if i read that with my own two eyes id block a person SO fast. why would you say that and treat it as serious evidence and backing for your theory. thats just. racism basically. what. anyways kaeya whos half from sumeru supremacy
#using hoyoverse logic (desert=dark skin rainforest=white skin) he'd be half a desert dweller half khaenri'ahn#(which is silly stupid logic btw. i hate it)#its SUCH a concept though#still doesnt answer how he isnt. yknow. a hilichurl. caribert style#but we've already established that i dont have answers for you as to how kaeyas existence works. sooo yea#not to get ahead of myself though but the kaeya skin COULD be evidence of him having roots in sumeru too#even what he tells us about going to sumeru as a child too if you're willing to make a stretch#because i know that was about him wanting to go to/get as close as possible to khaenri'ah#(ough btw. i feel ill whenever i think about it for too long)#but you COULD argue that the fact hoyoverse has even brought it up recently could be hinting at something#giggles and kicks my feet. we'll see;3#that was one hell of a tangent. sorry im a bit passionate about sumeru kaeya im realizing now#thank you for the ask!!!#about the other one you sent don't worry you didn't come off as rude! it's literally ok#you def arent alone in thinking that is fucking insane bc it is. hope that helps#the moment the caribert quest dropped and people were like genuinely linking caribert to kaeya i was so confused#i didnt interpret it that way at all#saying that his dark skin is because he was a monster though. like ok. do you guys ever think before you speak like ever#askpilled#kaeyaposting#kaeya alberich
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#the problem with not having an actual life and not having actual friends#is that when i am having a bad brain day and the emotional support discord servers start acting up#there's literally no other place for me to turn to for some good vibes#because if on tumblr people are being sad for the same reasons i am and on discord people are arguing and/or being sad and/or being upset#and it's 4 am because i have no real sleep schedule so its not like i can say oh yeah im gonna go outside and touch grass#what am i supposed to do? go to bed? kill myself?#it's just been an all around shitty day after a shitty week and i am upset#and all this doesn't help with my feeling of being useless and unwanted and annoying in my fandom spaces because like#if even people who seemingly have been hanging out for forever and like each other are actually upset at each other#what does that mean for me?#idk im gonna go to bed before i kms#personal t#just ignore me its 4 am nothing is real
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people on twitter being like "if your anxiety is so bad that you cant cook for yourself you should probably be institutionalized" would absolutely HATE to see how my life was in like 2019 lmao
#i feel like i must have reached the maximum amount of at least one mental illness at that point in my life#like you've seen anxiety and depression but you havent seen it like THIS. it was the natural conclusion to those specific disorders#“anxiety so bad you cant cook for yourself” is also just a massive understatement of the situation but i also wasnt cooking for myself#i couldnt even BUTTER my own BREAD#2019 is a ballpark estimate though i really dont remember when it was#mental illness is so interesting. im not like that now (obviously) but how was i diagnosed with the same disorder as somebody just out there#living a normal life with a minimal amount of social anxiety. i was gonna DIE#diagnoses have a very wide range of experiences and symptoms is all im saying lmao but im sure the comorbidities didnt help#the general vibe wasn't helping either though like. would i have done better mentally if i had been in a better life situation??#perhaps. but we'll never know#u could probably argue that if i was exactly the same level of mentally ill but born into a normal family maybe#i would have made a better life for myself bcuz of resources and support. but ohh well#txt
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ah fuck off I'm going thru juanaflippa feelings now
#she keeps crouching at charlie during dia de los muertos 🥺#i miss her i miss her GAH#SHE WAS THE BEST EGG#charlie is. so so gentle with her. he knows its the real her. im going to fucking cCRY#FUCK OFF WAIT#HE JUST PUT DOWN A SIGN TYPING LOVE YOU FLIPPA THANKS FOR ALL#FUXK OFFFFFFF I MISS HER SO GODDAMN MUCH#i need to rewatch all the juanaflippa vods#even the ones where its just charlie and mariana arguing#mentally i am there. when juanaflippa was helping mariana build his house#and slime came over and they all hung out#and they asked flippa to choose who she liked better between both of them and she couldnt choose so she dug a hole down and#im gonna be sick im gonna be sick#VOD IS OVER okay okay before i backflippo myself into a juanaflippa cry session
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i feel like withing next few months i might completely fall out with my best friend help
#each day we only argue more and more#im annoyed she doesnt do anything and shes annoyed i do things in my own way#which leads to constant arguments#and it's been only a month since we started leaving here#after cleaning the whole kitchen for the 3rd time this week i asked her to help me finish stuff and start the dishwasher to which she told#me how to do it myself and like girl no i asked for help with cleaning not for instructions#so i said i won't do it and that she's going to do it#and now the dishwasher hasn't been started for 3 days in a row because of that#and now do i break and do it myself or still wait for her to do it#if by tomorrow it's still dirty i'll start it myself because it's like 3 seconds of work and im annoyed by no clean dishes but mannnnnn#living not leaving* goddammit autocorrect#anyway the worst part is that i dont have any other friends so i can't fall out with her negdhdvd#okay correction: i have 4 more friends but i hang out with them in the process of hanging out with ny best friend#if she's not present those people don't talk to me hdhdh#if anyone's reads it then just ignore it i had to write my thoughts somewhere or I'd explode lmao
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so ive accidentally stayed up WAY TOO FUCKIN LATE w my ethiopian KING - i went to take pics for this class & baked & we ran into each other on the stairwell & then we went to his place to drop his bags & for ciggys (where we grabbed LI & GOT HIM TO SMOKE TOO before he went upstairs again) & the 2 of us sent on a walk so i could take pics for this one clase & boy howdy did i learn SO much, also btw ethiopia is currently, still, in a civil war
#stream#hes absolutely fascinating like girl we both chat SO much & hes also on topic bc i derail SO fucking much & then we’ll go on tangent then#subtangetn then he’ll get us back to what we were talking abt but i literally Cannot Do That im juts like oh um… what we were taling abt#anyway#yea its 3am & i need to be up at 10am#ALSO i had tea w the chinese flatmates bc i saw arthur & i got to learn so much & also yen je explained different parts of chinese grammar#etc & it turns out that he is INTERESTED IN LEARNIGN SPANISH SO WERK IM GOING TO HELP & ALSO I MET THE OTHER FLATMATE TODAY TOO#girl ive been playing the sims w myself i’ll be talking to someone then do the little like person+ (green bar) like frendshop increased#persuasion increase d#so albert(o) is from mexico city bc i also was like is ur name albert ? sick um yea is it like actually alberto just curious xx so hes#alberto now#& arthur told me his real mame but i forgot bc literally im still running on the 4hrs sleep i got last night like yall i was like wow i#pigged out last night haha - literally bc i ate an entire bag of baby carrots - so i thought im not hungry ? no girl ur colon just full so i#just havent eaten bc then i was going to after my irst class today but i saw the chinese & harassed them until it was like 15mins until i#had to haul ass to get to the japanese class & girl … i know i was such a bitch i was losing my mind it was 2hrs & she was like ‘we will#only use an hour !’ BUT NO WE USED THE WHOLE HOUR I NEED THESE WEEABOO AS MFS TO SLOW DOWN#i FULLY dont know what im doing & these bitches r soeaking sentences & also 1 guy was arguing w the professor like girl .. shes literally#japanese ur going to have to take this L like ur british thru & thru baby#so anyway#im going to go make french fries in the baking sheet that might give me cancer#ive also never used a baking sheet to make french fries im sry i just dont get to eat these in the states bc i love hating myself ?#ive been eating so much mayo i love peri peri omg … kewpie mayo …… im squatting
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maybe if i play y7 ill be normal <- played y7 four times this weekend, a decidedly not normal thing
#snap chats#'snap how many times can you play y7 in a week before youre tired of it' do you wanna find out together#i had a horrible night last night. ok not a WHOLLY horrible night but something trash did happen and i woke up still groggy bout it#i dont like sulking about the past but sometimes i cant help it and it aint fair to myself to act like i can help it. sometimes.#i gotta be candid just for my sake last night i got real upset with my friend because when i say she tests me She Really Does#and i hate getting angry cause then i just feel like my mom and at that point i figure itd be better if i slipped on ice and broke my spine#generally im good at controlling my temper but everything just testing me and i broke down and it was embarrassing as hell ☠️☠️#so yeah thats gonna bother me for a few days LMAO#'snap it aint that deep' it AINT and thats why its so annoyin cause i KNOW it aint that deep yet i still cant argue away how i feel#all i can do is try to ignore it... like plying y7 for the 11th time.....#i cant ply it now tho i told myself id work on a commission a bit so. maybe later...#i already started another file yesterday- or was it two days ago ???? idk i just know im up to chap 5 in it#chap 5 always give me a damn headache its so LONG at the very least the benefit to having my friend over and raising my blood pressure#is that i start to remember things to do from a y7 speedrun. like i dont hound her on what to do obvi i just let her play#its just lil notes to myself. tho she does tell me to give her tips and exploits when i can LMAO#anyways.. im gonna go work ig and try to feel like crummy bye bye#i wanna stream.. maybe i will this evening before my evening class.. lol.. we'll see but probably not
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