#im afraid to try anything else
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Do you have a furaffinity account? Love your art :3
I thiiink? I made one?? But I've never ever used it honestly, idk how it works and I haven't bothered to try unfortunately :,3
Thank you very much!
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my text disappeared here when i posted. what happened
#annyways whats the deal with the panicau. im not talking about like popularity or anythin g#why does n have the evil triangle solver and uzi is a ghost thats evil but also not and theres teeth??? in visor??????#i dont understand anything about it but the artstyle looks cool so i can ignore that#havent drawn this large in a while but i needed to do it for the pc screen to not be Totally crushed#a little crushing is ok. as a treat#i think i took this idea from a post i saw once but i cannot find it again for the life of me#and very intelligent prior me decided not to link it to myself so. lost media#still trying to figure out how i want to draw drone heads slash visors and have been since i started drawing md stuff#losing it#spent like an hour trying to draw something else before giving up and doing this instead#if youre lucky ill actually do it eventually#art#murder drones#murder drones uzi#murder drones n#serial designation n#do i even tag mdpanic?? does this count???#constantly afraid ill mess up tagging#which is something you can do and i might be doing#and also thats a joke. hopefully
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never give your characters placeholder names, because guess what. that's mr. placeholder now.
#never once have i used a placeholder and Not had it become the Official name#anyway ive been rotating those characters from my dream in my head#and i absentmindedly called one of them grant just because#and now that's grant. his name is grant dont even try anything else that's my buddy grant.#been avoiding naming mr humanities tho so that's still in the air. but the moment i say a name im afraid it will be final lmao.#according to jules
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#Reds such a unique and sad character to me#No matter what he does he is in a loop somehow. both actually and mentally.#He wants change - but he's afraid of it - But he NEEDS it - but its too scary.#He wants to be normal - But normal is boring - But its safe.#Too weird for people - too normal for freaks.#He Likes those two - But getting attached hurts. - But he truly does love them - But what if hes the issue? what is HE hurts them.#and thats why i think transport was such a big turning point. because he does hurt them#He tries his best and does what he thinks will be best.#him being alone so he issnt an “Issue”#And them being happy and healthy in a place where thier needs are met. and they dont have to be scared anymore.#but he fails and he hurts them.#His torture here is feeling helpless and whenever he tries it fails to the point he feels awful.#He has such complex and battling emotions they loop in his head over and over. too the point he cant do anything#thus making him a neutral character.#But neutral issnt a Good thing#Yes he doesnt hurt anything. But he doesnt help or comfort either#He is in a loop inside and out.#Hes drowning.#SIIIGHH sometimes it hurts understanding him /hj. (i know theres like a gigillion ways to interpret him lmao.}#im actuly kinda sad i havent seen anyone else have the idea of him being torn apart inside and anxious tho.#or that he sees himself as a big monster. maybe even due to him leaveing before (trying to help but failing again)#or that hes easy to manipulate. thus creating danger for the other two.#But im just yapping and making a comic based on my thoughts :]#(as ive been a lil mentally ill about string man lately.#dhmis#dhmis red guy#dhmis fanart#dhmis comic#dont hug me im scared
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Disability community, I have failed for 2 decades to get diagnoses for lifelong (onset at 10) health issues and am now at the point of crowdsourcing internet knowledge. I am looking for potential diagnoses and the tests you know of that found them for:
-Severe gastroporesis (stomach muscles don't work, first/common symptoms are nausea and acid reflux along with IBS like digestive symptoms)
-Orthostatic Hypotension (blood pressure drops on changing position causing fainting/vision loss/numbness - I'm aware of POTS but I'm looking for something that is Causing all of my symptoms)
-Weakened/compromised immune system, especially leading to chronic respiratory illness and "walking" chronic pneumonia and strep
-Muscles very prone to sprain/pulling even with very little action or motion, chronic muscle pain
-Extreme chronic fatigue
-Chronically low vitamin D that doesn't match lifestyle
-Not a symptom but something I know can be involved with chronic issues: I am also AFAB intersex and autistic
Do you have these symptoms and a diagnosis? Do you remember what tests led you to answers? I have had all the regular tests run over and over, I have had all the obvious solutions (diabetes, thyroid, low iron/anemia) thoroughly checked including months long sugar and heart studies. My heart is fine, my blood pressure is NOT. No family history that seems related, beyond the autism and intersex traits being clearly inherited.
Why am I willing to listen to strangers on the internet? Bc I have been waiting 8 months to see a single specialist that May be able to prescribe more tests that May lead to an answer, since they canceled the last appointment the day before. Because I am so sick I cannot work or do the things that used to bring me joy, and am living in abject poverty. Because I didn't find a doctor who didn't dismiss and blame these symptoms on my weight or depression until I was 27, and by the time I got the SYMPTOMS named and diagnosed (not the root causes of them) that doctor had left the practice and I'm back at square 1 with "let's rerun the yearly tests and check your A1c for literally the 19th time in your life." Any answers, any tests you know of and can recommend, I am willing to hear out and research bc I am out of time health and patience with this system.
#disability#cripplepunk#cpunk#chronic illness#chronic disability#gastroporesis#hypotension#immunocompromised#intersex#autism#literally i will take any info you have Im currently going through my whole family tree trying to get info on anyone else with these sympto#it takes months to see my pcp i cannot go in without a list of what to test for and why anymore i cannot keep doing this#im afraid im dying i FEEL like im dying and im tired im in pain and im fucking PISSED#so any info any relevant experience is appreciated#and i know my story is the one so so many of us have had too and sending love out to anyone else who's been through this hell#i made a reddit account for the first time to post in /askdocs#im like give me ANYTHING anywhere to go from here
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apparently the way the packaging for the wally and barnaby pins is designed makes the spoons behind the pins look like eyes once the pins are removed. its possible that it was unintentional but! interesting!! very interesting!!!
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(credit to r/Purplefox135 on reddit for the image)
#wh#welcome home#yeah i didnt buy the pins because i hate pins so i had to steal the photo from someone else sorryyyy#im always afraid that im gonna stab myself trying to put them on something or that theyre gonna come undone and stab me in an artery or vei#and i dont even have anything to put them on in the first place#sorry for the unprompted Pin Rant um. swag swag#i need this fucking update bro im posting about pin packaging
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To people @ ing me and like. Just in general trying to involve me: i love you, im sorry im very bad at engaging and replying rn my social abilities are basically dead i genuinely love and appreciate it so so much yes you reading this i appreciate YOU so much plz do not think i hate you i swear i do not i just. Suck at soical anything rn. Replying to messages is hard. Reblog games are hard. Reading fic is *extremely* hard right now.
I know i sound like a dick bc i come on here and gush and post tons about my ideas and ships and i should be giving back if i want engagement. I know this. Im trying i swear. I appreciate you all. A lot.
#idk im fighting in the trenches#and i constantly worry about how i probably look like a self absorbed dick bag#constantly asking for people to send requests or askes about the ot3#when i rarely engage with anyone else.#im sorry. i am. im trying.#im trying to get better i swear.#im also in a mental torment nexus of irl is VERY rough rn and its hard to focus on anything that isn't my escapisms.#i can't write or read fic no matter how hard i try#i try to reach out and tell people i appreciate them#but i think i sound forced and disingenuous which sucks.#idk i constantly worry im the most annoying person ever and everyone dreads talking to me.#i realize thats probably not true but its a battle.#i know i should be better about letting people in but. idk. im afraid.#I've had so much of myself used against me when I've opened up to people in the past#that now i just. cant. the fear is so strong.#Anyway yeah thanks for dealing with my mentally unwell ass.#im sorry
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Are ur comms open :3?
right now they are closed at the moment so I can work on some other more personal projects + finish up the ones I have now :3! But if you ever want to enquire about my commissions please never be afraid to dm or talk to me about them :DD!! Usually they are open but it does fluctuate a *LOT* so I’m probably gonna start doing announcement posts on here and Twitter every once in a while!
if you would like to read about them and such for future reference my commissions carrd is in my pinned post :DD!! Thank you for being interested!
#For now they are closed at the moment since I just have a teeeeeensy bit too much on my plate#But I think probably in a few weeks (2-3(?) in considering re-opening them!#Its hard to constantly update my carrd to show how many slots are open or closed or when I’m taking them or when I’m not so at the moment#Im trying to see if I can possibly do a google form or something else to announce when I’ll be willing to take them#Anyways yeah!#if you are ever even interested in comms please don’t be hesitant to dm me about it so I can explain the process and anything important#Beforehand!#thank you for being interested anon! Like I said if you ever have any big questions/curiosities/are wondering about how the process works/#Whatever then never be afraid to dm me over it!#Cro chatter#commissions#art commissions
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my sister is so fucking annoying cus she randomly started talking about genshin earlier even tho idgaf about genshin, and she mentioned theyre making a world based on meso-america and spain combined. and yeah obvs thats pretty shitty of a thing to do but i tried pointing out that since genshin is a Chinese game the developers probably dont have that much knowledge about meso-america, cus china and meso-america are completely disconnected cultures, and she got mad and said soemthing about them having good representation of middle eastern/SWANA cultures, and i tried to point out that china and the middle east have shared history of trade and interaction so theyre probably gonna know more about those cultures, and then she called me a sinophobe ???
like it's not like i was either defending the devs or saying that specifically because theyre chinese thats why, i was just pointing out the basic fact that cultures that don't/haven't interacted tend to be less knowledgeable abot eachother??? and i tried explaining i wasnt tryna defend them like i genuinely dont give a shit about whatever genshin devs are doing but she just takes everything as an attack and never fucking listens aughhhh
#grymms spectacular fucking posts#we were getting ieccream and then were gonna go to the cat shelter and she got so pissed she got in the car before anyone else had finished#their ice cream and also decided not to go visit the cats because god forbid she has to be in the same space with me#she does this with everything i say and do i stg its so annoying#living with her is like living with one of those strawmen sjws who get offended by literally everything crossed with a basement dweller#and like i get that she is a naturally very sensitive person and has mental illnesses that make emotions and shit hard to deal with but#she doesn't do anything to work on herself she just sits in her room playing videogames all day and wallows in her misery instead of getting#off her ass and doing anything to make herself feel better#and i cant say anything to her about it or she'll get insanely mad at me like im afraid if i try to say anything about this to her she'll#theaten to hurt herself or me or actually hurt herself because she is that unstable emotionally#and our parents cant do anything more than i can cus she's as receptive to them as she is to me if not worse
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fuck
#like idk i never realized just how bad she hurt me. i didnt even rly realize she hurt me at all#bc there are so so so many ways she sldve reacted so much worse. but like i never thought someone cld just straight up ignore it.#like i get the way i told her was dumb and confusing. ok. i can understand that. whatever#but idk. she said she wished my sister had told her years earlier so that she cldve helped her back then#but then suddenly it's different when it's me. suddenly it's 'but youve always been my little girl' and 'oh i dont know that sounds dangerou#s' and 'are you sure?' and 'how long have you felt like this'#well it's been almost 5 fucking years now and it hasnt changed. i havent changed. fuck#i trusted her. i trusted her to be there for me and to support me and to accept me and she threw it back in my face and never even blinked#i can never ever trust her again and she doesnt care. she doesnt even know bc shes so wrapped up in all the fucking lies she tells herself#fuck. she did everything wrong. fuck. i can never fully trust anyone with this part of me again bc of her#and it's awful bc it's such an important part of me. it brings me so much joy and i think on it often and i love myself for it#but it's just simmering in my chest and every time i think of letting it hit air again i freeze bc i thought it was safe once and it WASNT.#i wanted to get my name changed before high school. i wanted to start the medical process. i wanted all the thing i thought shed do for me.#my wants and my understanding of my identity has changed now but it still hurts.#it hurts so bad to see other ppl my age get all of that and to have the support of their family and to not be afraid to put a name to it all#im happy for them. but it's so awful hearing her point those ppl out w no self awareness like oh thats so good for them isnt that sweet#I AM RIGHT HERE! YOU COULD BE DOING ALL OF THAT! I NEEDED YOU TO BE THAT FOR ME!#and every time she does acknowledge it she gets it completely wrong or it's just to bemoan how little she understands#'oh everyones changing their name now its so confusing' 'im really trying i dont know what else you want from me' NO YOURE NOT! YOURE NOT!#YOUVE NEVER BEEN WILLING TO TRY. NOT FOR ME.#you never fucking loved me you loved the idea of what you thought i would be and you cant fucking let it go even when the truth is staring#you dead in the face. fuck. you complain about how i 'hate you' or 'think youre stupid' well maybw treat me with an ounce of respect and act#like you understand the things youve EXPLICITLY BEEN TOLD. even a little.#but honestly it's too late. if she were to suddenly have a change of heart now i wouldnt give a damn.#the damage is done you dont get to have this part of me and act like youre such a good and supportive mother.#i cant even say i hate her. i love her but shes hurt me more than anyone else ever has and i can never trust her to actually love me or even#fucking see me or support anything about me that actually matters to me#i dont know. i dont know. thinking about it again.#ive thought abt telling my dad. not bc it wld do any good but bc ik he values honesty and maybe hed throw me a 'damn that sucks'#my sister said this is something i have to fight on but she doesnt get it. i have no ground to stand on as far as shes concerned
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~ my dream deco pacis ~
I will continue to add ideas (and doodles to this when regressing :3) not looking for shops! just a fun list for myself
Clown ↓ 🎪
(primary colors, scattered or unique deco, wording: "silly kiddie" )
Blue from Blue's Clues ↓ 🔵
(shades of blue, any deco level or either spots of dark blue with lighter base or stripe blue colors with the gems, wording: none or "bow bow". If matching "pup pal")
or matching with Magenta ↓ 🔴
(shades of pink, matching deco , wording: pup pal)
Curious George ↓ 🐒
(brown and yellow and little red, simple deco, wording: "good lil monkey" or "curious monkey")
Crystal Gem (non specific) from SU ↓ 💎
(rainbow colors, full deco, wording: "gem")
Jam buds Steven and Connie from SU matching ↓ 🍓
(brown one and pink one , any deco lvl, wording: biscuit bud, jam bud)
Ponyo & Sosuke matching ↓ 🫧
(blue and green, pink and yellow, simple deco, wording: "fishy friend" or "captain" and "sailor")
PB&J matching ↓ 🥜
(brown one and pink/red one, scattered deco, wording: "lil peanut", "lil strawberry" or "better together" on both)
Dipper & Mabel from GF matching
(blue and white one, pink and white one, any deco lvl, wording: "mystery twin" on both)
Candy ↓ 🍬
(all colors pastel and bright, full deco, wording: "swirlzy")
Honey from Bluey ↓ 🍯
(yellow/orange and white, scattered deco, wording: "honey")
[reminder for myself to possibly add later: The Magic School Bus, The Cat I the Hat Knows a Lot About That, trans flag, Inside Out]
SFW / CHILD SAFE INTERACTION ONLY - NSFW BLOGS DNI
#honestly i prefer plain pacis#im just afraid ill break it and having to be careful compromise trying to be care free to regress#but i still think they are cute and want things with designs that mean somthing to me#i also really want the basic gen 1 pacis with no deco#and more toys than anything else really#often deco pacis bring me more joy while big than when regressed#arlo's text posts#agere#agedre#sfw agere#sfw agedre#sfw age regression#sfw age dreaming#sfw age regressor#sfw age dreamer#sfw deco pacis#agere deco pacis
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love bluh bluh bluh
#初音ミク#ラビットホール#rabbit hole#hatsune miku#vocaloid#illustration#artists on tumblr#dooblenauts#i liked how this looked better while i was working on it#now it looks. so bad#the handcuffs look stupid. the background is stupid. the shading and rendering is stupid#why am i so afraid of trying new things my rendering now sucks idk what im doing its so unpleasing to look at#eugh. eugh#trying to get my shit together by trying to get a better sleep schedule. as a first step#cause that shits been fucked for ages#i slept at midnight and woke up at 6am and stayed up ALL day. i was SO proud of myself#then when i went to sleep at 8 or 9 last night i stupidly took a lil bit of a gummy to pass me out easier#it was apparently too much and i woke up at midnight freaking out#now im pissed off at myself for waking up at 10am cause of a fuck up i should have avoided but i wanted to go to sleep quicker#why do i suck. why do i suck!!!!!!!!!!!#anyway gonna burn myself out on drawing cause im useless and cant do anything else otherwise#hoping someone will be like 'hey nice art! heres some money draw me a thing'#but thats probably not gonna happen in a VERY long time#so im probably just gonna be useless for the rest of my life#dont take this as me trying to gain pity or anything im going through a mood and just really pissed off at myself 😭
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anybody else feel like their father deserves the electric chair
#thinking again#i cant get over the fact that he started molesting me when i was four#he had it all planned out in his head... i was five the first time i was raped. six when he started trafficking me#he had a game plan for this shit. i dont know how else it would be perfect 1-year increments#i was just a little girl#thats what kills me the most. i was so little. i look at pictures of myself from that time and i am so small.#and i look like im afraid of everybody. afraid of cameras. i dont know.#its just. i wish that just one person had realized something was very wrong there. it wouldve only taken one person.#but i was too afraid of him to tell so would it have really done anything?#i try not to think about it too often because i cant change it & wishing i could doesnt do anything but. it still hurts i guess#even if i dont blame my moms side of the family for not realizing either#milo murmurs#csa vent#the fact that i was four when it started and 12 when i got out also fucks w me a lot tbh#that felt like the longest period of my life. it WAS my life for nine years straight#thats. almost a decade of abuse. and thats so hard for me to comprehend even though i lived it
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oh my god i think i just had an epiphany
#bear with me i have been awake for 26 straight hours now. but.#ideal gender presentation: i want to be a drag king who looks like a vampire from the lost boys. but like. permanently#do you understnad me. can anyone hear me#not even ljke one of the specific characters or anything . just. 80s vampire.#who if you put nect to the cast of the lost boys youd be like “yeah he belongs there”#i have also. VERY recently started using he/him pronouns to refer to myself#and this is a very new thing so i havent asked anyone else to do it yet but. smile emoji. idk. feeling more masc than usual lately .#they/them is still default but if u ever wanted to sprinkle in a little hes and hims for flavor... i would not complain.#trying it out. like a new flavor of tea i dont know if i like yet#i NEED to meet someone who does drag i need someone to put me in drag makeup bc i dont know how to do it myself#and im afraid if i do it bad itll scare me away from ever trying again .#i fumbled a little bit with my cwilbur costume for halloween 2022 and it felt good but also i didnt do Much. i need someone talented
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If y'all (or your friends) don't wanna deal with a proshipper,
then DON'T CONTACT a proshipper for your boring ass server.
Thank you! 🤗💗
#hetabee#just me ranting#ugh rather do anything else than be there again#like i made no mention or implied trying to ship incest there#all i did was have proship in my bio#like#please keep your bland server to yourselves if you're afraid of differing opinions#im not going to read your carrds telling me to fuck off#especially when i did nothing AT ALL#I'm tired#😮💨😮💨😮💨#proship safe#proship please interact#proshippers please interact
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me?? juggling two hyperfixations and two special interests?? its more likely than you think
#trying to remind myself that i dont actually have to rewatch tfp for the 3rd time in 2 weeks because. i dont know#and then ultkl as the other hyperfix#and xiv & zelda are special interests#and im trying to navigate life. with 4 separate interests. drawing my attention#zelda is on hold bc im afraid of doing the final boss and i dont have anything else to do BUT#im helping my stepbrother almost daily. so its still part of it all#also having a mild dishonored resurgence but not on the same level as everything else i just. missed corvo#aaaand also tw3 bc of twn reminding me of how much i miss regis despite me not even watching the show#the only reason. i havent reinstalled borderlands 3. is because that game is sickeningly large#and i dont have the space for it on my laptop if i want to keep ffxiv & dh2#can you tell im going through it#something something back to simpler times when everything gets too much#god i need to get back to the witcher books. but id have to unpack for that. man#so much to do so little time#if dh2 ran at 60fps on ps5 i wouldve gotten it on ps5 so i can play it in my room instead of downstairs#which i shouldnt be allowed to complain about steady 30 because. ahaha. my laptop has frame drops!#it manages 60 generally (with most of the settings on low) but some areas drop to 40 & lower and. yeah#had the same with bl3#my dad said i can get his laptop in a couple of months which is a little stronger and by god i will be inserting extra storage#because holy fuck this isnt working
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