#im just afraid ill break it and having to be careful compromise trying to be care free to regress

[pupshine-funtime]

~ my dream deco pacis ~

I will continue to add ideas (and doodles to this when regressing :3) not looking for shops! just a fun list for myself

Clown ↓ 🎪

(primary colors, scattered or unique deco, wording: "silly kiddie" )

Blue from Blue's Clues ↓ 🔵

(shades of blue, any deco level or either spots of dark blue with lighter base or stripe blue colors with the gems, wording: none or "bow bow". If matching "pup pal")

or matching with Magenta ↓ 🔴

(shades of pink, matching deco , wording: pup pal)

Curious George ↓ 🐒

(brown and yellow and little red, simple deco, wording: "good lil monkey" or "curious monkey")

Crystal Gem (non specific) from SU ↓ 💎

(rainbow colors, full deco, wording: "gem")

Jam buds Steven and Connie from SU matching ↓ 🍓

(brown one and pink one , any deco lvl, wording: biscuit bud, jam bud)

Ponyo & Sosuke matching ↓ 🫧

(blue and green, pink and yellow, simple deco, wording: "fishy friend" or "captain" and "sailor")

PB&J matching ↓ 🥜

(brown one and pink/red one, scattered deco, wording: "lil peanut", "lil strawberry" or "better together" on both)

Dipper & Mabel from GF matching

(blue and white one, pink and white one, any deco lvl, wording: "mystery twin" on both)

Candy ↓ 🍬

(all colors pastel and bright, full deco, wording: "swirlzy")

Honey from Bluey ↓ 🍯

(yellow/orange and white, scattered deco, wording: "honey")

[reminder for myself to possibly add later: The Magic School Bus, The Cat I the Hat Knows a Lot About That, trans flag, Inside Out]

SFW / CHILD SAFE INTERACTION ONLY - NSFW BLOGS DNI

[senditothemoonn]

obligatory scotfra but also engspa??

Gives nose/forehead kisses: Alasdair (because Fran couldn't reach if he wanted to...okay maybe if Aly is sitting down)

Gets jealous the most: Alasdair. I think it comes from a mix of insecurity and possessiveness. Mostly the latter. He does not like to share ajsjdjs he will maybe give the odd threesome a go because rarely can he say no to Francis (and Fran stops suggesting them once he realises how much it bums Alasdair out) but in general he can't stand the thought of Francis with anyone else and he is not afraid to mark his territory. I think especially when he's drunk he gets real handsy and overzealous with the PDA because he needs everyone to know that Fran belongs to him.

Takes care of on sick days: I think they'd take care of each other in different ways. Fran would be so dramatic when he's ill 'im dying' etc 😭 he just wants someone to pamper him, cue Alasdair who will do anything in his power to make sure Fran is comfortable. Alasdair, on the other hand, is one of those people who can't admit when they're sick and will literally not stop until he drops at which point Francis will coddle and kiss him and nurse him back to health whilst also making sure to tell him off for not taking care of himself.

Drags the other person out into the water on beach day: Francis, I don't think an explanation is needed ajsjdks

Brings the other lunch at work: Francis. Again, no explanation needed, he loves cooking for his man 💖

Tries to start role-playing in bed: *tries* being the keyword here ajsjdjs I think Aly would try anything for Fran at least once and vice versa ofc but Fran is definitely the one to initiate most of their raunchier bedroom explorations.

Embarrassingly drunk dancer: It would take many, MANY drinks but I think if you get enough alcohol in him, Alasdair will crack out some of the most embarrassing dad dance movies you've ever seen.

Firmly believes in couples costumes: at first only Francis but he quickly shows Alasdair the light and disgustingly romantic together every Halloween. They never miss an opportunity to be disgustingly romantic on Halloween or at a costume party.

Breaks the expensive gift rule during Christmas: Francis. Christmases, birthdays, weddings, baby showers, Tuesday nights ajsjdjs my man will take any given opportunity to shower people with gifts. Much to Alasdair's chagrin, his husband's love language is apparently expensive gift giving.

Makes the other eat breakfast: see, I think Fran obviously loves making and preparing food for other people but then will neglect himself (also food issues asjdkfk) so usually Alasdair will be the one who has to remind Fran to eat something himself.

Remembers anniversaries: Fran is a scatterbrain, actually. I think he is the type of person who buys gifts in advance, like if he sees something that reminds him of someone, and then keeps them all locked away in his wardrobe. So then when Alasdair greets him unexpectedly with a "happy anniversary, mo chridhe" he can whip out the antique kilt pin he saw three months ago or the set of golf clubs that were on sale.

Brings up having kids first: in my mind, it's Alasdair. And if it's omegaverse then definitely Alasdair ajsjdkss. I think he would look back on his childhood with a big family and lots of siblings fondly and want that for his own kids. But I also see Fran as an only child so in some aus as a compromise I can see them having three kids. Unless lil baby Mattie is their lovechild of course then I think he'd be their only child.

Kills the bugs: catches them in a jar and takes them far enough away that Francis stops screaming.

First to define them as a couple: okay this one is so hard because part of me knows that Fran is a lot more open than Alasdair with his romantic side BUTT if you've read the FTF series (my canon) then you will know how turbulent their relationship is and so I think they'd both be slightly reluctant to admit their feelings for each other or define anything but because I love the series so much and honeslty can't see it happening any other way, I think Alasdair is the catalyst that starts the beginning of their relationship. Once it's begun though and they grow comfortable and used to each other's idiosyncrasies, I think that Francis would be the one to define it because he knows Alasdair well enough to realise he's too nervous to do it himself.

Who hides their guilty pleasures longer: Alasdair. Fran doesn't know the meaning of the words guilt and shame ajdjdjsj I dont think he believes in the phrase 'guilty pleasure' if it brings him pleasure, why would he feel guilty about it? Alasdair on the other hand is probably ashamed of like 90% of the things he does (with Francis' help we can get that down to like at least 30%)

Snorts while laughing: Francis.

🌸🌸🌸

I don't have much experience with Engspa but I will try my best 🩷

Gives nose/forehead kisses: I think this definitely seems like a Toni thing 💗

Gets jealous the most: Arthur, probably. Sad insecure, anxious little man - he can't help it :(

Takes care of on sick days: I think Arthur, just like his brother, has a problem with overworking which leaves Toni to look after him.

Drags the other person out into the water on beach day: I think this is just as obvious as with scotfra but Toni. I think it's so easy to imagine RT chan, in his oversized t shirt, being dragged to the beach reluctantly and god forbid he has to take a dip in the sea 😩

Brings the other lunch at work: this also seems like a Toni thing.

Tries to start role-playing in bed: we all know Arthur is a kinky little shit beneath all that and tweed.

Embarrassingly drunk dancer: Arthur, for sure.

Firmly believes in couples costumes: Toni but I think he'd get Arthur into them. Arthur would be all like "this is silly" and then like 5 days after Halloween be like "okay so what are we going as next year?"

Breaks the expensive gift rule during Christmas: I think if you've made an agreement of any sort with Arthur and then break it, he'd get so flustered. So for his sake, neither of them.

Makes the other eat breakfast: Arthur is absolutely the type of guy to forget to eat, bless him.

Remembers anniversaries: Arthur is also the type of guy to forget anniversaries I think so he makes sure to write everything down meticulously (and still probably ends up forgetting somehow ajsksks)

Brings up having kids first: hmm I'm not sure. I can see either of them doing it but I suppose since Arthur is shy maybe Toni?

Kills the bugs: hmmm Arthur? He'd just straight though eat them though because he's feral.

First to define them as a couple: terminally repressed Englishman like Arthur? Nah i think not, this one is up to Toni.

Who hides their guilty pleasures longer: imma have to give it to Arthur, poor little repressed man.

Snorts while laughing: hmmm... Toni.

[petradroid]

Life, regret, judgment

Dear social media, dear beloved family, lover and friend.

I wrote this letter, to this social media, because on occasion and perhaps have no other way or someone i could talk to or talk with, and still hoping, for everyone or anyone who read this, realize the fatal things if someone, either your family members, friend, beloved ones, or anybody close to you,…is having a stress, depression, or mental break.

“Do not ignore them, do not ignore their feelings, do not ignore their needs to let their emotions out, and please try to listen, it might saves someone future, it might even save someone lives!!!”

=====

So here i am writing this note or letter, what ever you wish to call,… Right now im 34, next year will be 35,feel real old to me. Born in jakarta, indonesia around july 1983. 1 old brother and 1 older sister. Not married, i wish i was. Im doing my own business, sometimes drive for uber, and of course with shitty passanger of course.

Around five years ago, i was having a bad, i mean bad bad bad stress and got into depressed. I start hearing voices in my head, i thought it was just illusions and imaginations, but then everytime i try to avoid those voices, it hurts my head. (actually the voices starts around a year or two before i went to the psychiatric) And so…. Yes I went to psychiatric and of corse the final convic was, i was schizophrenic paranoid with High level depressions. Yes cause at that time, i have tendencies even yes… I try to end my life over and over, around few times i guess, i was try to jump from 10 stories heights, and rest is pills. But somehow yet i don’t even know how to describe it (perhaps a video link to my tubr, I’ll try explained it), im still here.

The end life things was weird, said my psychiatric, i told her everytime i want to kill my self, its not fear that showed up, more to euphoric kinda sensation and curiosities , its like a child that having a new toy, or maybe like meeting someone you adore, yeah.. Kinda like that. Trust me its dangerous…

Well the sad things is, at that dark moments of craziness, i don’t have friends to fight this illness, i even don’t have anyone to share with, to talk with (and the truths, its been the whole time for almost 20 years long) . Well i do have friends, but not that kinda friend(s),but there is one, still consider best friend, he accompanied me to the psychiatric, he knows the story, he knows what happen, he offer to help, but yet until today.. He is nowhere to be found.

Short story, bla bla bla, i was fighting my own mind the whole time until now, i try to survive alone, i bought the meds alone, i do the therapy by my self,i don’t go to hospitals, i read the facts about this illness, i studied it, and yes still here. But then, still.. No one knows and believes my story but hell sure i can fucking proof it.LOL

There are still lot of people think that this kinda mentall illness, mental issues is just… “nah its just imagination, just in your head, it will over soon, just threw out the window and done, and stamped in the forehead you are lunatic crazy ”. Oh believe me, when you’re having what we having right now, perhaps you wish you were dead. But off the record, most of people with mental illness usually they are more sensitive, more caring, and if you had or found that click in them oh trust me, they way more better than you fucking normal people, in work job, art, music taste, food and drinks and they have more loyalty and i have proof and its been fact written in few articles (ill share the link perhaps, or maybe you can find out by your self. LoL)

Well most of you probably already knew what cause this mental breakdown issues. Yes.. Trauma, bullies, father mother figure issues, no friends, stressed and depressed and after that comes the one big same problem, no one helping, no one believes them, no hand to hold, no shoulder to lend, and no one to hug, and specially no ears would listen. They are humans to, they need to talk to share and express their thoughts, feelings, complaints,….. and people with this mental illness, let me tell you, sometimes they hard to speak up, hard to express, they run out of words, they panic, they agitated, and most of them… they feel shame for what they having and been through.

So that’s why you fucking normal people, don’t be fucking selfish jackass and ignore like you are the most normal asshole (pardon my language) imagine it was you child having this mental issue, you mom, dad..even your loved ones. People with mental health problems also want to be treated normally, they want to go to work, success, a house, car a job, and most of all… Someone special to share with,to hold on with.

Perhaps i wrote this was also.. Well at the time, this very moment, i was having a fight with my girlfriend. Its a very cold treatment to me and its all my fault, i admit it. But somehow i don’t get the chance to fix it, and even i don’t get the chance what causing me like this, i mean causing me to hurt her. Well it fatal from her perspective, it’s because i insult her stuff that she lend it to me, and somemistakes like forgot something, being dumb and childish few times, but that really get her in the nerve.

But what i was trying to tell her is that, i was like that cause what im having, how sometimes my mind went off, the stage of trauma, fear of alone by my self, and that is what I’ve been trying to say, and somehow it was hard and difficult to say it and tell her that when everthing was fine, and hard to say it even now and then,and somehow, this writing helps me well.

You out there, by the time you read this section, i mean this paragraph, i mean the sentences you are reading right now., please.. No matter who you are, you are a bad person, a good person, an asshole, anyone… Surely you have someone you loved, someone close to you, just try to listen to them,to their thought, compromise, and be caring if can and don’t ignore them.. It might save them, it might save you and it might save live(s). Tell them, : “you are not the problem, but i see you as an opportunity, a perfect person, and you can do it because i am are here for you”

Bla bla bla again, at this very end of my writings, to be honest, the cause of my trauma, im living for the rest of my life under the shadow of not very happy family, my big brother was in drug since he was 16,17 i guess but then from i was a kid, i always been bullied and intimidated by him, my beloved father wasn’t like it seems after he passed away, i mean his real story,… then i got no real friends for fact, friends i had many, but true friend i guess non,…. And then most of my love story is bad case, most of it they, i mean my ex treatme like shit in the end, i hope they got what they deserved, my last romance story, like i was writing before this, i got left out, she dump me out, and yes cause it my fault of course, but if only i had the chance to explain her for what happen with me and who i really am, and what could i do… But then i don’t blame her, i mean the one i just broke up. Well i really wish she could just listen, and yeah for the record yes im still broken in pieces and still holding on.

Dear readers, i know my writings isn’t that interesting, its not an epic story of the year, or any years, its just common, but i glad i wrote it, perhaps i could leave at least a memory and lessons for you normal asshole people,and at this time, well i feel me head start to snap, my heart torn in pieces, mind messed up, frozen and paralyzed, and yes i am afraid for getting snap and shit. Cause it ain’t fun. My head feels hurt now, and few times i start hearing small tiny voices. I hope i make it in time.

Thank you very much for reading, wish you all well and healthy.

Regards,

Rahmat Elroes Petra Boas.

http://schizophrenia.com/success.html

https://youtu.be/hCwVhQA8j_0

https://youtu.be/FrV9oO0BOtk

[extremelyaverageincrediblynormal]

I think its time to update this thing with everything that has been going on. A lot of beautiful things have happened the past 6 months, but when i look back, its a supercut of mental breakdowns and self harm. Surprisingly, i havent seriously thought about killing myself, but I am definitely putting a strain on my mental health, and i dont think i saw the signs until i was 4-5 months deep. until i was at the hospital. until i was crying in my work bathroom every day for 5 days. and even then, i still tried to keep telling myself if i give up, i am mentally weak. i still tell myself that know, as i try to get myself out of this situation. so lets explain the situation. I will try my best to go back to may and bring you up to speed.

I started working at this job... lets call it, the hellpit. I started in February, and they agreed to give me time off in april to go to japan. I was pretty happy about that, but i remember about a month and a half in, i seriously considered quitting, and that seemed early. I was annoyed at the lack of organization with the products we were selling, and the extra stress it put on the front of house employees. The job ITSELF wasnt so bad, it was simple tasks that were sometimes fun. But the customers were the worst. This is a private club, so we see the exact same people every single day, and i work in a half grab&go half diner. And we get treated like we are nothing. most of the time, we dont even get a “hi” or “thank you”, but we are required to smile and be polite, tell the customers to have a nice day. One girl got fired because she didnt smile enough and was kind of a quiet person. oops. But then i got my best friend hired, and i started enjoying my days a bit more. Japan gave me some perspective on life and i was running off that energy for about a month. I was also moving at the end of may so that took most of my focus. I was then asked to work in the poolside snack bar/ actual bar. I was excited, it sounded like a fun, fast-paced environment. I feel dissapointed writing that because I was so wrong. It makes me feel sad.

I would be working closer to the actual manager. Now, there is drama going on with that. there was 2 managers, R and C. R had been there for 13 years, had close relationships with the people in my workplace. she was even sister-in-laws with someone there. And then C comes in, and sees that there is a lot wrong with how the cafe is running. she wasnt totally wrong, but she has a large personality and isnt afraid to shit talk people. she came in and tried to change everything, and I dont know exactly what happened behind the scenes but R left on a 3 month stress leave, came back for 3 weeks and quit. If that doesnt tell you something about what it’s like to work along C, ive got more. 

So this poolside hellbox was usually run by some other managers in the club, but C insisted on running it herself, putting her employees in it, etc. it was going to be the best year the poolside hellbox has ever seen. it was small, but it needed at least 3 people to run properly. Sure, it could be slow on cold days, but on hot days, it was a nightmare if there was only 2 people. Because we had to do everything; open, stock all the food, take orders, make orders, and pass them off, and close. it was truly exhausting and our days were always 9-10 hours, no breaks. She also stopped putting 3 people, brought it down to 2, usually 1. it was incredibly stressful. I tried to talk to her about my concerns, and she completely agreed. so i thought things would change. they did not. after some time, i injured my rotator cuff, and that lasted about a week until my entire back seized up and i had to go to the doctor. i was physically burnt out. and she had to work one of my shifts because i was medically ordered to take a break from work. writing this is making my back hurt.... funny how that works. anyways, i came back and she told me about how HARD of a day she had when she had to be in there for 6 hours. I thought to myself, good, she will finally understand. She never did. put me back in it, working 6 days a week, no tips, no breaks, 9 hours. there was a day where the air quality was so bad that my coworker with asthma expressed how ill the smoke makes him feel and that he cant breath, and she made sure he felt guilty for not telling her before hand. and then when we werent even making money that day, she blamed the people upstairs for not making the call to close it. i cant believe it.

the PSH finally closed for the year, but she wanted one more day to make a bunch of money. So there is another key player here. J. J has the title of supervisor but doesnt always act like it. C expresses how she feels about J often, and shes the only one who has the power to do something about it but does she? No. 

So on this day, C is not at the Bad place, so in any other situation, J would be in charge. But C insisted that I text her and listen to what SHE said. and she said she wanted to open the PSH 2 hours early. J said it was too busy and we needed coverage. I listened to J. The fact that we didnt open 2 hours earlier really upset C. she was so mad at J for making that call, and i was upset that i was put in a position where i had no idea who to listen to. 

So that was the day i decided i couldnt be there next summer. I needed to leave before the PSH opened again. 

And since then, there has been a lot of hostility towards me. I remember C telling me that people might not like me because she likes me, and people dont like her. that should have been my first red flag to get the fuck out. I honestly thought she was a woman of her word, and that sticking with her was the right decision. she made me all these empty promises, like i’ll be getting a raise in September, or that she has big plans for me and my career there, or even that we were getting a company-paid night to reward us for all our hard work. and what has unfolded? nothing. 

since then, it has been a series of bullshit. she comes down, yells at everyone and everything thats wrong, comments on how terrible the communication is, and how this doesnt look right, and how stupid everything is and how no one knows how to do their job, “except for you, this isnt directed towards you.” I have a feeling it may not be IN THAT MOMENT, but im sure it has been directed at me at some point. Shes manipulative, and takes advantage of people for her own personal gain, and completely lacks empathy. If it doesnt affect her, why does she care. If someone cant help her, why does she need them. that is her mentality, and she is a psycho. she wants complete control, but does nothing to change anything. She wants people to do certain things, but never tells them. She is by far, the worst manager i have ever had. not to mention she puts out the schedule thursday night-friday for the upcoming monday. so, yes, 3 days in advance. I feel betrayed, i feel disspointed, i feel burnt out. 

She also made a sarcastic remark about how i could “never disappoint her”, which was the last straw for me. That was the day i decided i need to get out of there. 

So, thats whats been going on at work, but behind the scenes, i have been unraveling. My manager has qualities that remind me of my mother, and not in a positive way. it’s very triggering in a way, and when i feel like i have disappointed her, i have the same feeling i would get when my mother would be disappointed in me. when she is completely unsympathetic to me being burnt out, i remember all the times my mom told me to stop feeling sorry for myself when i would cry. so i deal with daily triggers that i have a hard time shaking. there are also some things that go on in that club that really disturb my core values. I am a caring, inclusive person and these people treat us like dirt. I think most people are used to it, i even feel like im less sensitive to it as time goes by. 

But i have been having mental breakdowns at least once a week. they were worse back in june or july, i remember completely trashing my room, throwing my books around and slamming my book case on the ground, and the colapsing and hyperventalating on the ground until my roommate found me. I remember scratching myself until i bled. I remember running to a park and crying in a field. I remember crying on the bathroom floor naked. I remember not being able to get out of bed. i remember punching a wall so hard i almost broke my fingers. this all happened withing 3 months. and after the big explosions came depression and giving up. I cry in the work bathroom often, i dont care about being on time, i dont care about my job, i dont care about my health or being in pain. i am in a constant fog, im exhausted and angry and i have a beautiful partner who loves me so much and i cant feel any of it, because i think i shut down everything so i can make it through the day. I’ve gained weight, i hate my body again, and i feel stuck. i feel ugly, i feel useless, i feel trapped. i need help. i need help getting out of this. i am so exhausted mentally, i do nothing with my day because im too tired. i am so incredibly miserable, i get those depression headaches every single day. I have a surgery coming up that i am not willing to compromise. maybe ill take some extra days off then? look for a job? rest my mind and prepare to job hunt and grind for a job that i might not hate? maybe i should leave now, go work at starbucks, see if i can get the time. maybe i should find a part time job, but will my manager hate me for it? does she already hate me for it? i just want to survive. i just dont want to get to the point where suicide feels like the only option again. I am not there yet, but its on the horizon, and that’s why i am scared.