#ill try to get on a better schedule
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oh-no-its-bird · 4 months ago
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I asked for a trim and my hair dresser gave me a FUCKING PIXIE CUT I'm so genuinley distraught I ended up crying on the train home
Canceling all of my plans next month I can't let anyone I care about see me like this
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icewindandboringhorror · 3 months ago
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I occasionally wish to reach out to old friends/acquaintances I haven't spoken to since high school/some other even earlier time in my life, but I have SOOO little social energy even for required tasks (like making dr phone calls or etc), I never have any leftover for extra ones, and it would be very odd to message someone I haven't spoken to in like 5 years out of the blue but then take 4 entire months to respond back lol.. My natural curiosity with nostalgia/collecting details of the past/etc. (literally if I were born a little earlier I would definitely do scrapbooking or something lol) is very strong, but, alas, not strong enough to beat out the Social Issues Demons apparently
#facebook always does that 'here's a post from this day 8 years ago' thing. and I see old comments interacting#with people and it's so like.. OOOOO~~ where are they now?? what's going on? how much have they changed as people?#how much are they the same? this is fascinating. i should contact them!!' but then it's like... take that to it's logical conclusion though#you would contact them and then IF they even responded it would take you 80 years to respond and then they would#think there was something wrong or that you were trying to be insulting or something. To contact anyone I need to include an 85 page#disclaimer of all of my social issues & mental illness things. 'If i take 3 weeks to reply I promise it has nothing to do with u' etc lol#THIS is why more people need to be into phone calls/voice calls/some form of audio real time communication/etc.#I think one of the main things that's hard about messaging through text for me is it's so unscheduled and open ended#(plus it takes forever if you're talking about anything in detail and gets very long very quickly)#because like you can send a message and then just get a reply whenever. and then you're expected to reply back whenever#so it's like you never know when the response will come or when a new obligation to reply can come up? so it's like this sudden thing with#no outline?? if that makes sense. whereas a phone call is very like 'hello let's schedule a call from 10am - 2pm on thursday'. And you know#EXACTLY when the interaction will start and EXACTLY when it will end and you can plan around it in your schedule easily.#I have the reverse thing of a lot of people (how people don't pick up phone calls/hate calls/only text)#I would literally talk on the phone with a stranger. I would have a discord voice chat with someone I barely know.#if someone I hardly even remember from elementary school asked to have a voice call with me out of nowhere I would do it.#but if a stranger MESSAGED me?? or someone I barely know sent me a TEXT or something?? I will never reply probably#It's just too vague and weird. and you can't read voice tone over text. and the interaction could last forever with no clear end#point and etc. etc. But a call is like. set. established. clear boundaries. you can read the flow of conversation better. rapport. etc. etc#I get that I guess people feel more anonymous or distanced over text?? but you can have fake phone numbers on the computer. or do like disc#rd calls. or zoom without a camera or etc. etc. Also the distance that's present in text is BAD distance because it just means that tone is#not conveyed properly and you will never truly get a sense of the person's conversational vibe or mannerisms or how well you really click.#ANYWAY ghgjh...... I'm so so so interested in concepts of like.. How did that one kid I used to talk to in elementary school#but then they moved away in 5th grade - how did they end up? what are they doing now?? etc. etc. Like despite the severe social anhedonia#and general lack of connection with others I'm just really fascinated in like.. idk. the human development of it all and like#the concept of how we're actually a million different people through the course of our lives ever evolving in different iterations and etc.#PLUS again. i love nostalgia. sometimes old peple you know might remember a shared memory or can tell you about something you forgot#or etc. like it's SUCH A COOL THING in CONCEPT but I am too socially inept generally speaking lol. which people I still talk to today are#familiar with my 'phone call once every few months' communication style. but strangers would just be like... wtf. And I don't blame them#Sure I literally cannot change the physical health + brain issues i have - but also I know enough to not put others through that lol
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dread-and-despair-dyke · 15 days ago
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its 23:17 i should be sleepy. but im not...
ok last night i slept at like ~5am, so today... ill get a drink rn and chill, then at 12am i will take a melatonin and lay down, then ill hopefully be asleep by 1 or 2am...
and ill wake at 7am and stay awake frfr the whole day. and then by the next evening ill be so sleepy that ill fix my sleep schedule entirely
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orcelito · 8 months ago
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Submitting myself to physical therapy for my cringefail shoulders bc I remembered it's a muscle problem, aka something that can possibly be fixed, SO
On the 16th, I am starting physical therapy again 💪
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cavity-collector · 4 months ago
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i genuinely need to be put down like a dog i cant do this anymore man holy shit
#yall dont know the meaning of terminally online til u meet me#i hate myself so much its not even funny i am the most miserable worthless scum#my sleep schedule is 7am to 3pm all i do all day is rot on the couch and sometimes draw if i have a drop of motivation#depression is completely kicking my ass and im not even fighting back i give up what the fuck man#theres not even a point for me to keep trying i just want to stop feeling such deep despair 24/7 please#i dont want to die i just want the pain to stop so i can peacefullylive out the rest of this year before i turn 18 and its all over for good#but i cant even have that! im just gonna suffer the whole time thanks great#i wish i could just get better and fix all of this but i cant its not working we dont have the money to#actually get me the help i need to make it work. i just have to figure it out or die#i just wanna go back to ***** ** *** i just want to stop being lonely and useless#i dont know why im posting this shit to tumblr. its so stupid i should just be journaling or something#probably because im worthless selfish scum. idfk.#the last 6 months have been a complete blur. just rotting on the couch or in bed occasionally seeing friends once every other month or so#ive already wasted half of being 17 abd im probably gonna waste the rest too. ill do nothing of worth before i die.#even my art is ugly and horrible and not worth leaving behind. people tell me to work to improve it but i dont have the time left#ill never create any of the things i wanted to create ill never be a good artist im just going to die exactly like this#an absolutely terrible person.#the only people i can talk about the things that make me a terrible person with are people who are terrible in even worse ways#no one can comfort me except them because theyre the only people who know what ive done and actually do see it as less than absolute evil#because they know absolute evil because it is them. but i actually don’t believe that i think theyre bad but could be good#idk what im saying anymore#someone shoot me#please im not kidding#just make it stop#tw vent#tw sui#delete later
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muskmelon-enjoyer-199x · 2 months ago
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Friday night is gonna be lit
I have stir-fry plans and iguana marriage plans and I got a beer and we have cartoons to watch. Sick
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shdwtouch · 5 months ago
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yeah I feel like I don't need to say this but. if I'm following you it means I like you, I like your muse(s), and I want to interact. I may be slow and awkward and forgetful but I want to be your friend and do my best to be friend shaped, just like I would hope all my mutuals are friendly and try to be friend shaped to me.
I'm sorry that I'm not the fastest roleplayer under the sun, but I feel like I make up for it by engaging on the dash and being supportive. sometimes I don't have the energy to do that, but I never halfass or halfheart what I put out and on this blog. I will always be back eventually to shout positivity, like posts, and do my best to engage when I don't have the muse to interact. I'm doing my best, truly. if that isn't good enough for you... I can't say I won't be disappointed, cuz I will be, but. that's okay. I understand.
and that is the thing, ya know ? I do my best. but sometimes it isn't enough for folks I have genuinely tried to engage with on the dash and support, and me being supportive and friend shaped doesn't entitle me to their time, follow, or anything else. but please do know I am trying my best. and I am disappointed when I don't get to interact with folks, when they don't try to interact with me. it is a two way street after all; I know I can do better, but I also don't think I should be doing all the chasing. we all seem to have anxiety, that's okay, but it also means we could all stand to put ourselves out there a little more and try to be friend shaped / interact.
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mutalune · 6 months ago
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hey siri how do I stop feeling gutwrenchingly anxious in the guilt way for using the treatment methods available to me to not be in constant misery
#starlight personal#it’s very bizarre to have my life going objectively well - work is good! personal life is good! family is good!#and still be very mentally ill and feel like I’m faking it even though I know damn well I ain’t scream-sobbing every couple of days alone in#my apartment for attention because What Attention??? my cat????? Bug is never moved by my tears she cares only for string and wires#like I know that cannabis has been immensely helpful to getting me to fucking sleep on a regular schedule and that’s integral to -#my functioning and I know that having emergency klonopin in the event of a total breakout is helpful#and I KNOW that my PMDD and depression and anxiety are very treatment resistant and ketamine is the only thing that’s provided any -#meaningful relief and logically I know I’m not abusing any of these#I’m getting a promotion at work I still go out to see friends regularly I have hobbies I have a girlfriend (??? Wild right)#like clearly these things are working because i’m better now than i was for years leading up to now#SO LIKE. DON’T STOP USING THE THINGS THAT HELP. LOGICALLY THIS MEANS THESE ARE GOOD FOR ME#I always roll my eyes when ppl go off their meds b/c they’re feeling better like babes that’s what the meds are meant to do#if you stop taking them you stop feeling better - but it’s REALLY HARD to get past the cultural conditioning#the feeling that ‘but I can white knuckle my way through this I can force myself to live without’ like WHY BITCH#WE DON’T HAVE TO LIVE WITHOUT#AND ALSO. WE’RE STILL GENERALLY MISERABLE BRO. EVEN WITH OUR LIFE IN A BETTER PLACE!!!#DO YOU NOT THINK THIS MEANS THAT WE SHOULD USE WHAT WE KNOW WORKS TO BE LESS MISERABLE#basically it’s really hard to not feel like a loser when the only things that help are ‘fun’ drugs like weed and psychedelics#I feel like I’m being a hedonistic reprobate which 1) is actually kinda cool now that I wrote it out#2) @ myself were not a good enough liar-faker that every medical professional we see wouldn’t pick up on that if that was our motivation#time to remind myself that it’s arrogant to think I could trick many trained professionals without actively trying tbh#that generally helps me get out of my self-pitying ‘ohhhhh I’m awful and lazy and bad and abusing substances’ spiral#to be very mentally ill on main it is weirdly reassuring to be like ‘just as my fanon interpretation of obi wan kinda hates himself but is -#practical enough to take care of himself even when it makes him cringe and want to scratch his face off; I too am aware that self-care is -#radical and punk and In Fact Necessary to beat back the dark and live in the light with hope so yes even though I doubt and -#feel squiggly and guilty about it I’m not going to NOT prioritize my health and well-being b/c self-hatred and self-denial benefits no one’#thank you inner obi wan i love projecting my issues onto you mwah mwah mwah smooches for my favorite boy!!!!!#and smooches for me I’m going to be proud of myself gosh darn it even if I have to fake it at first#see I wouldn’t be able to be nice to myself like this if I hadn’t been doing ketamine treatment for a year IT WORKS BRO KEEP IT UP#SCHEDULE THE DAMN APPOINTMENT AND CLEAN YOUR BONG
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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year ago
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...
#theres this feeling i get sometimes. i find it very hard to articulate. its part despair and part awe. dispair at how beautiful the world is#all those intricate little process coming together to organize the chaos. i dont kno y i feel it so deeply or y it hurts so much#because its just. no matters what horrible things r going on in the world. ur body is this miraculous collection of chemicals and reactions#mobile containers of water with a history that spirals back billions of years. and you can hear and see and experience and reflect#and when you die the world goes on spinning without you. if we as humans destroyed this planet past the part of our ability to inhabit it#it wouldnt even matter. there would be continued life past humanity. cosmically we r tiny and insignificant and we dont matter#but were beautiful and wonderful and infinity complex and knowing that leaves me in agony. because i want to kno everything right now but#mind is too small and i walk around with the disorientation of someone whos just been hit in thr face ans i cant focus enough to read#cant make the words make sense and i cant justify the time it would take to try. so i sit on my deck. in the sun. crying as i think about#how the light hit the grass in my front yard the last time i was home. how the cliffs in the backyard are ringed with red lines of iron#separated out as the water leached through the sandstone. how every avaliable surface is stained green as organisms reach upward toward#the sun. and its beautiful and i dont kno y im crying. maybe its bc i cant just throw everything aside and chase that feeling. im not#allowed to feel it. im not allowed to talk abt it in the way i want. bc im afraid no one cares as much as me in the same way. bc when i#talk abt what i study its obscure and academic and so far from what most ppl think abt that they get intimidated and dont try to understand#so i just try not to talk abt it. or maybe im just afraid. bc i have my 1st TA meeting tomorrow and i meet with my new advisor friday#and im worried and im afraid i wont b able to do this in a way that doesnt make me feel like im dying. bc i like to b busy and i like having#a strict schedule but if u throw me that knife im going to stab myself with it bc i dont kno how wield it as a tool without hurting myself#sure ill get the job done. but at what cost? whatever. ill try to b better this time. try to hold tight to the wonder. but that feels like#reaching out into forever. knowing ill never make contact. not knowing what im reaching for.#the closest approximation to the feeling i can find is that scene in the terror. where go0dsir is asking if god is there. any god. and it#doesnt matter bc he can see god in the landscape. in an environment that's so harsh and barren that its killing him slowly in the worst of#ways and its beautiful. its still beautiful to him. there is wonder here. and im wasting my time laying in a dark room crying bc i put#myself into a container so constrictive that the surface snaps and i come spilling out as an angry liquid. smearing away into nothing#unrelated
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junk-culture · 9 months ago
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"do i want to do art as a career or a hobby" life's most difficult question that plagues me every second of every day to be Honest
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agenderarkham · 1 year ago
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What if I exploded rn. I think it’d be good for me personally
#I left work earlier than I needed to today (didn’t get overtime that I want and enjoy) bc I had a doctors appointment today but then I show#up to the office and oops !! I guess someone forgot to schedule it tee hee you wanna sit there for an hour so we can squeeze you in no well#you’ll have to reschedule then what’s your availability oh you get off work anywhere from 1230 to 230? how about an appointment at 1 o’clock#LIKE ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME STOP TALKING TO ME LIKE YOU THINK THIS IS MY FAULT EHATS THE POINT OF YOU SITTING THERE IF YOU CANT EVEN#SCHEDULE A FUCKING APPOINTMENT ??!!??? AND they’re making ME call my insurance to make sure it covers the orthodics I’m trying to get#so like. if you can schedule an appointment properly. and you’re making me call the insurance company to make sure they’re gonna cover the#shit that your doctor decided was best for me. what the fuck are you doing all day#also I cut my finger on something I literally don’t know what bc I’m so fucking about to explode frustrated and angry I’m having to lay on#my bed with the lights off and my sunglasses on so. fun#ALSO I go to leave after angry crying in my car for a few minutes and my key is stuck and wouldn’t start for a few minutes. what a wonderful#day that I’m having huh. can’t wait for my birthday on Saturday where I’m just gonna be sad because all my friends are moving away and a#bunch of people I know have died. what a week huh !! and here I thought I could start to treat myself a little better and start going to the#gym and get some good news at work but NOPE I GUESS ILL GO FUCK MYSELF#sorry. I’m feeling bad lately 👍#vent#Arkham rambles#arkhamrambles
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g-a-r-f-i-l-e-d · 1 year ago
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I was thinking since I'm still new to radical feminism, as well as just centering women more actively in my life. That I don't know a whole lot of historical women or women who were significant or even are beyond pop culture. Women who were/are breaking barriers or who have made significant change or discoveries in their fields.
In one of my art history classes, the teacher who kept gloating about being feminist rarely if ever mentioned female artists throughout history, and I remember being really frustrated when she mentioned two female artists who against all odds were allowed into the best school in the world at the time of the neoclassical era, and all she did was show us the paintings these women did AS TEENAGERS! Not even the height of their career, nothing about how women at the time weren't allowed in for excuse that they'd faint if they saw a naked male model since female nude models weren't allowed at the academy due to female models being lesser and the lack of prestige that came with hiring them (many were also prostitutes as well) or how my brother in his history of mathematics class got glossed over the female mathematician Hypatia, who recovered and held onto the last remaining knowledge of the Library of Alexandria, and reformed and improved upon astronomy during her time, and the only thing they discussed of her was how she was ripped apart by a mob of men claiming she was a witch, even then she gave her son that knowledge to bring back to the people. My brother was also frustrated that her life was glossed over to instead quickly say "man men suck, glad to know feminism fixed everything" and just move on.
One of my favourite things that being involved in radical feminism online for me has been getting to actually know these women beyond footnotes in a history overflowing with male accomplishment and biography. That there's a focus on women, and what we can do and have done. And, after seeing a lot of that, I really realised that I haven't done much to actively learn about history or the significant women within it, and being exposed to it made me excited to do so.
So in a mark to improve my knowledge and a step to more actively centering and supporting women which I'm still new to any activism, I'm going to be dedicating every Wednesday to posting about one woman or a group of women in the past or present (but mostly past historical figures, even recent past) who have been historically significant, made change in their community or world at large, and made waves for women to propel forward. I'm calling it Women's Wednesday, and am excited to start learning! If anyone who sees this post has an amazing woman in history, from any country, any history, anywhere they'd like to tell me about I'd love to look them up and dedicate my time to learn about them!
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shikiimisaki · 2 years ago
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hanging out with group of people you only vaguely know is like so so important. like even if you never hang out with them again. take time to just like put yourself in situations. just get in a situation. tag along. you know. you learn sooooooooooooooooooooooo much. its fun
#this is not based on recent events this is several from like last year im thinking of cause its 4am or w/e#literally just hang out. you ever been in a situation where youre with people you like are only kinda sorta friends with and theyre like#oh were going to tha store. we're going to this specific little food place inexplicably 45 min walk away that seems trendy in a shitty way#to get something youve never heard someone talk about in real life before. do you want to come with bc youre standing next to us#do it bro. walk that 45. even if its so mid. its so beaiutiful#and youll have conversation with them different from the usual conversation dynamics youre used to and its like ohhh its cool#and then you say goodbye and dont see them again really. literally fucking. epic. peak high school#someobnts like im setting up a fucking. fire pit ! outside my house#be here at 10pm or something ridiculous. hell yeah bro. nobody else was eating the cheese puffs. it was the good kind the white cheddar#I had so many it was so fun. we talked about strange music remixes#ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. wish id done more of that sort of thing. now im in art school and we just hang out all the time though and thats fun too#''hang out all the time'' aside from the grindset. woooooooo I need to time management better I keep trying and failing to fix m sleep#schedule#fuck. anyways eventually ill ask student help about getting a referral for an adhd diagnosis. I just kept putting it off#(comical self fufilling prophecy)
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danggirlronpa · 2 years ago
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Happy Pride! I'm too swamped with work to draw or write anything for it until later in the month but if y'all want to send in characters or ships or prompts I'll make lil headcanon batches for em
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microfeelings · 2 years ago
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👁👄👁
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Trying to come to terms with this rn, which is especially hard when everyone in my life tells me shit like "we don't want to see you give up on yourself" when I start to limit myself from doing things I cannot actually do anymore
Disability will have you thinking shit like “I’m not even that disabled. I can manage as long as I limit myself to very specific careers, never go shopping for more than an hour or two at a time, keep my plans open so I can cancel and stay in if need be, and only go out a few nights per week at the most”
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