#ill probably do it more from here on out
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Wanted to draw Kai with the tan line meme and it evolved into me drawing Zane in a bikini too, teehee
Ninjago beach episode when? Stares at the DR writers
#I also tried coloured lineart! Its fun#ill probably do it more from here on out#ninjago#ninjago fanart#lego ninjago#lego ninjago fanart#kai ninjago#kai smith#kai jiang#kai ninjago fanart#kai fanart#zane ninjago#zane julien#zane fanart#oppositeshipping#marsjago#marsipain art
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something people just don’t think about is how often chronically ill and disabled people just don’t have access to good food. not healthy food, good food; well made, tasty meals that don’t come from a jar or a freezer. how many of us are housebound or can’t drive? delivery services only offer within certain distances, if you live outside a city they aren’t an option. many people don’t have the energy or ability to cook for themselves if they have the skill to begin with. many certainly don’t have the ability to learn how. it’s something that goes completely unnoticed, just the opportunity to have a good meal and how much that wears you down
#all i want is chinese food#the closest one to me is 40 minutes away and its a /bad/ chinese place#its my worst option and its not even an option#‘fried rice is easy to make heres a recipe!’#i cant use a stove bc the heat will give me a seizure#even if i keep myself cool something that should take 15 minutes will take upwards of an hour bc i need to take breaks#even then ill probably be too nauseous to eat it after being active for so long#all of that for a bad cooks version of fried rice#more expensive and worse than a takeaway place#but i cant get it from a takeaway place#repeat ad nauseum for the rest of my life and is it any wonder im so sick of the same food ive eaten for 10 years#the only time i get takeaway is when my parents decide to go out and bring something home#can you imagine living like that for the rest of your life?#i dont have to#and its so dumb to want to cry over rice#but its not really about the rice is it#coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt#spoonie#chronic illness#disability#pots#postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome#ehlers danlos syndrome#fibromyalgia#chronic fatigue#chronically ill#mental illness#mental health#save post
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Finally revealing one of my other blorbos, Niccolo Sonata! A mixed genre troll who poses as a Pop Idol up until world tour
He's a complicated bag, he's half rock half classical, his mother kind of low-key hates him, and his dad does care but is kind of paralyzed with various anxieties that comes with the fact that Niccolo is half classical (worried about his constitution and his wings) and things related to his mother (she doesn't want Niccolo to become like his dad and puts a lot of restrictions on him)
Both of his parents don't really know what to do with him, and he doesn't know what to do with himself.
He has a lot of internalized hatred towards himself and the two sides of his musical families, plus he is a secret third genre (symphonic rock) which he doesn't fully understand. He got picked on a bit in Volcano Rock City, they're a lot rougher than he's used to so he just kind of took it, which is why he looks so roughed up in one pic and the other he says they hate him in VRC
Again he's really complicated even tho he doesn't look it, if you have questions about him lmk
#dreamworks trolls#trolls#trolls 3#trolls oc#trolls world tour#twt#trolls oc Niccolo#his father calls him Nicky#his dad did try to be a good dad and just ended up dropping the ball because he was worried about what niccolos mom would do#shes not a nice person#idk if you can tell#she does care for her son she just cant get over the other half of him#if that makes sense#she believes that even if he isnt full classical she can just make him#which causes him to run away from home at 18#he lived between houses for about 10 yr#and then the rest with his mother due to an incident#which will appear in a different comic#ill share more about his parents later#niccolo is kind of stuck up#and rude to people when hes off stage he doesnt mean to be#it just happens which he does eventually grow out of#his story is one of learning to be better not just for himself but for the people hes around#i think he probably doesnt have many friends until after his growth#tho he does have some its like 3 people who see his potential for growth and or tolerate his bad behavior#i have a few comics of him BUT i need to fix them before i post#cuz i got his wing shape wrong in ALL OF THEM#legit got them wrong in the two comics i have here and they were made 2 sec after i made his design#i had to fix them to post them#idk how i did that but i did smh smh
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live drama adaptations part 2 (prev)
cast reveal and girls movie night 🔥
#i actually had the first three pages done for like. months now. and then i just forgot 🧍♂️#theres one more part to this but as to when ill finish that. haha#duck scribbles#minicomic tag#midoyuzu#and a bit of tomohaji on the side#doodles#enstars#midori takamine#hajime shino#yuzuru fushimi#tori himemiya#ibara saegusa#this is. a lot better quality than the first initial one amsdkjgshdgsmd i kindaa wanna redo it but its already a multiple part one i dont#think ill do that to myself rn akjdgskjwkjgjkd#its been 8 months i doubt anyone would remember the initial one but its ok u dont have to read it#i completely made up this manga and am now a little sad its not a thing that exists#i wish haruno was a real character i could post mangacaps of#thought too hard about it and there isnt any way to fit it into here but there is also a fourth character harunos childhood gyaru friend#also in love w her. she ends up having some sort of alliance with naoto but obviously its in vain too but its all chill#manga ends with haruno opening her dream cafe and asahi later joins her there after training a new team to take care of their old one#naoto becomes a regular there also w his new bf :] happy ending !!!#wow i have drawn Way too much lately. forgive me for such behavior ill probably be posting a lot less from here on out askjdgksjhgs#needed the food for when im away from my laptop for a week....#guess ill never get to finish that other lil comic i had planned for that sleepover drawing i made back during rarepair week </3#does anyone actually read these anyhow. i talk too much maybe
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the most batshit insane traumatizing thing happened at work today & I won't know if people are dead bc of my inability to talk a man down from a mass murder until the news reports start coming out lollll
edit: it's all good there was nothing about a shootout on the news 🙏
#the rest of my shift after that call was a blur.#i obviously cant go into much detail but i was on the phone w/a man who had just robbed a mcds at gunpoint & was calling to say that hes#awaiting the police in the br & intends to shoot and kill as many as he can when they arrive#i tried talking him down but then he said ''ok ill blow my brains out on ten'' & began counting down.#i literally hung up at two after failing to stop him and started bawling & my coworkers called the cops to let them know they were#heading into a more dangerous situation than they realized#i monitered police scanners & 14 rounds were fired from the mcds location he was at but i have no further info#he mustve started shooting random ppl or cops. if i hadnt deprived him of his audience would he have just killed himself & not others??#like he was counting down while i was on the phone but i couldnt stand hearing the gunshot so i hung up but if i didnt would people still b#alive? then again all those shots couldve been misses or nonfatal wounds#hes probably dead now either way. i guess i was the last person to ever speak to him#idk what to do with all this hence why it is going here
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hmmmm mal du pays thoughts tonight
#radio rambles#i should go to bed but. it is on the mind#isat spoilers#<- for the . wall of tags to come#imm wondering what most people hc mdp to like. be#i know its most popular to see it as siffrins sadness. i do think thats p neat#and probably the intention#but im. juggling around the idea of? siffrin system moment? mdp as a headmate? if yall see that vision?#most inspired by that ‘do u hc this character as a system’ post abt siffrin#and i voted no then but now im like genuinely changing my mind JFKFKF#it makes sense in a way. and into my mdp hc that it. wouldve split while sif was very young#splitting due to stress which leads to a lot of. gestures vaguely. mdp’s whole thing#a mix of stress but also this sense of longing to. belong somewhere. to not be alone#many years ago it was about the loss of their home. and much later on became more related to its feelings towards their family#mdp is a scared child to me . idk about yalls hcs for it but thats what im sticking to#a scared child who maybe grew up a little alongside the body. but still Young and Scared#its not as often or eager to front as siffrin is. i can imagine it being much more hover-y or . POSSIBLY. cohosting if its feeling up to it#uhm. ok well#so i typed this out and now im actually really sad about mdp jgkdkf where is mdp recovery#now im kinda thinking about it fronting for once to properly meet the party and. and receiving comfort. and and and#wow christ im upset#also also glancing over at marias sibling au for character dynamics here….. sillies…..#ps not relevant to my mdp thoughts but fyi im imagining siffin in headspace looks very much like their body#the difference being. much darker clothes. more stars etc. maybe different hair#think like how a lot of ppl style their human loops. thats kinda how i imagine sif in headspace#SPEAKING OF LOOP#i think given the time he spent with them it woulf make sense if they split a loop as well#and ofc other members of the party jgkfkf#im not gonna get into my hcs there because ill b taking away from my mdp hc post BUT#thinking. always thinking
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Nothing to see here, just two cringefail loser men that deserve eachother <3
@divorcingjimmatthews infected me with The Worms (the mental image of Jim having a drunk breakdown after the end of s2 and Jade reluctantly helping)
(line art only, just for funsies)
#just a silly little self-indulgent comic for the jim/jade enjoyers out there#anyways stan tom#from epix#fromblr#from spoilers#but not really#jade herrera#jim matthews#jimjade#my art#from 2022#from mgm#i went back and forth on whether to post this here or on my art blog#but i wanna start doing more fandom specific comic stuff like this so i figure ill keep it to separate blogs#ill probably reblog this on my art blog anyways but. fuck it we ball#good lord tumblr OBLITERATED the quality#ignore how empty the bartop is. i aint drawin all that#i am. 'ow you say..... lazy
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feeling bad about my art lately. will probably not post for a while. but i wanted to at least dump some stuff here before i retreat into my hidey hole
#hivemind tv#hmfcu#riley savage#graydon weaver#quadeca#jane remover#eden burke#my art#2023#fanart#doodles#furry#its like. augh. longtime fleouriarts followers are familiar with my eternal tango with posting art online#doing this since i was 11 has like rotted my brain and made me rely wayyyy too much on external validation to motivate myself#and every year or so it gets bad enough that i take a break. but the break usually only lasts a month before i miss the feeling#and come back and then the cycle repeats#its probably worse now bc this is a fandom where getting seen by the creators is not really that hard#so there have been times where im like 'well idk if i wanna draw this. but if i do maybe hivemind will rt it :-)'#NO!!! THATS NOT WHAT ART IS ABOUT!!!!! i cant keep letting myself get addicted to the numbers going up man i gotta get out of here#and i was reading a quad interview from around when idmthy got released. cus hes also brain poisoned like this. but he managed to get out#and now just kinda comes online to release music and then leave#i need to be like that. i need to take a break from art posting thats so long that i come back as a changed man odysseus style#idk. its been so long since i drew stuff that no one gets to see but me. all the art i keep to myself is just out of embarrassment#i need to relearn how to draw stuff just for the love of creation and not “maybe people online will like this one”#or “this new thing came out i need to prove my love of it by drawing it”#sometimes it leads to good art but more often than not it just makes me feel worse#whatever. if any of yall are in the hivemind jane or quadeca discord i MIGHT still post stuff there. but otherwise ill keep to myself and m#friends for a while i think#woooooo this is queued to post while im in orgo lab everyone wish me luck with my thin layer chromatography
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I occasionally wish to reach out to old friends/acquaintances I haven't spoken to since high school/some other even earlier time in my life, but I have SOOO little social energy even for required tasks (like making dr phone calls or etc), I never have any leftover for extra ones, and it would be very odd to message someone I haven't spoken to in like 5 years out of the blue but then take 4 entire months to respond back lol.. My natural curiosity with nostalgia/collecting details of the past/etc. (literally if I were born a little earlier I would definitely do scrapbooking or something lol) is very strong, but, alas, not strong enough to beat out the Social Issues Demons apparently
#facebook always does that 'here's a post from this day 8 years ago' thing. and I see old comments interacting#with people and it's so like.. OOOOO~~ where are they now?? what's going on? how much have they changed as people?#how much are they the same? this is fascinating. i should contact them!!' but then it's like... take that to it's logical conclusion though#you would contact them and then IF they even responded it would take you 80 years to respond and then they would#think there was something wrong or that you were trying to be insulting or something. To contact anyone I need to include an 85 page#disclaimer of all of my social issues & mental illness things. 'If i take 3 weeks to reply I promise it has nothing to do with u' etc lol#THIS is why more people need to be into phone calls/voice calls/some form of audio real time communication/etc.#I think one of the main things that's hard about messaging through text for me is it's so unscheduled and open ended#(plus it takes forever if you're talking about anything in detail and gets very long very quickly)#because like you can send a message and then just get a reply whenever. and then you're expected to reply back whenever#so it's like you never know when the response will come or when a new obligation to reply can come up? so it's like this sudden thing with#no outline?? if that makes sense. whereas a phone call is very like 'hello let's schedule a call from 10am - 2pm on thursday'. And you know#EXACTLY when the interaction will start and EXACTLY when it will end and you can plan around it in your schedule easily.#I have the reverse thing of a lot of people (how people don't pick up phone calls/hate calls/only text)#I would literally talk on the phone with a stranger. I would have a discord voice chat with someone I barely know.#if someone I hardly even remember from elementary school asked to have a voice call with me out of nowhere I would do it.#but if a stranger MESSAGED me?? or someone I barely know sent me a TEXT or something?? I will never reply probably#It's just too vague and weird. and you can't read voice tone over text. and the interaction could last forever with no clear end#point and etc. etc. But a call is like. set. established. clear boundaries. you can read the flow of conversation better. rapport. etc. etc#I get that I guess people feel more anonymous or distanced over text?? but you can have fake phone numbers on the computer. or do like disc#rd calls. or zoom without a camera or etc. etc. Also the distance that's present in text is BAD distance because it just means that tone is#not conveyed properly and you will never truly get a sense of the person's conversational vibe or mannerisms or how well you really click.#ANYWAY ghgjh...... I'm so so so interested in concepts of like.. How did that one kid I used to talk to in elementary school#but then they moved away in 5th grade - how did they end up? what are they doing now?? etc. etc. Like despite the severe social anhedonia#and general lack of connection with others I'm just really fascinated in like.. idk. the human development of it all and like#the concept of how we're actually a million different people through the course of our lives ever evolving in different iterations and etc.#PLUS again. i love nostalgia. sometimes old peple you know might remember a shared memory or can tell you about something you forgot#or etc. like it's SUCH A COOL THING in CONCEPT but I am too socially inept generally speaking lol. which people I still talk to today are#familiar with my 'phone call once every few months' communication style. but strangers would just be like... wtf. And I don't blame them#Sure I literally cannot change the physical health + brain issues i have - but also I know enough to not put others through that lol
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*putting on a moustache and sunglasses*
So like what’s the deal with ghosted what’s that about
now see the deal with Ghosted is that it's not what happens within the events of the film that captivates me so much, though don't get me wrong i love this film to bits, but rather, it's the idea of what happens after the whole thing that makes me FUCKING NUTS
because the whole thing is relatively cut and dry in the sense that we don't have to guess about what happened before and we don't have to guess about how everybody is feeling in the present. we know (MOST) important characters backgrounds and what they're doing at Falkhill and slowly revealing Paul's context was pretty interesting if not a little abrupt at the end there but its the very last scene of this film down to the very frame that flips the whole hour and a half you just watched over on its head and prevents me from getting a good night's sleep because i can't stop thinking about it
ELABORATING WITH A LOT OF SPOILERS UNDER THIS
explaining the plot of this movie is hard without sounding like im writing a pretentious review and not just talking out of my ass on tumblr but for my followers who haven't watched this movie and dont care enough to: Ghosted (2011) is set in a british prison in which Jack (John Lynch) is a long time prisoner who's wife just dumped him apparently on the anniversary of their sons death (tough break) and is being advised by his friend and cellmate Ahmed (Art Malik) (who does NOT get HALF as much screen-time or plot relevance as he DESERVES,) to find something to put his mind to and be proud of outside of his failures Paul (Martin Compston) is a prisoner who was just transferred out of a Young Offenders prison AS FAR AS WE'RE TOLD... though its noticeable from the beginning that hes not a very good liar and his story is suspicious at best Clay (Craig Parkinson) is kindof The Guy of their prison wing whos dealing drugs to other prisoners and assumes the position of authority over everybody else, though compared to other inmates with bigger cliques, his foundations are shaky. the description of this film on letterboxd calls him "the wing beast" and i have never cried laughing so hard reading something in my life
Clay and Jack both hone in on Paul immediately for different reasons. Jack, after his pep talk with Ahmed, sees Paul as a source of "a little self belief, something to be proud of", but Clay scoops him under his wing for being relatively young and impressionable. This puts Jack and Clay at odds with each other. after some plot, Paul gets into very big trouble with Clay and after An Incident is promptly plopped into Jacks hands, who had requested Paul move into his cell earlier but didn't have a good enough excuse for it. Well You've Got A Bloody Good Reason Now ect ect
Jack and Paul buddy up immediately and its noticable that Paul is sort of filling in the empty space where a son would be for Jack, however we discover that Paul has been lying about his past to everybody, including Jack. he lied about his family and he lied about having only just been transferred from Y.O. and hadn't been telling the whole truth about his sentence. what the truth ends up being, in a nutshell, is that Paul is accidentally responsible for the death of Jack's son, having been the one who started the house fire he died in (we were never even told that Jack's son died in a house fire before this, we are only told this in Paul's flashback at the end of the movie and are supposed to act, like, surprised?? whatever). consequentially, Jack flips his lid and prompts my personal favorite scene in this film in which he beats the living shit out of Paul with his bare hands and immediately regrets it the second the adrenaline wears off, hitting an alarm button within the cell that alerts the guards.
the guards whisk him away and he is put in solitary confinement, which we find out was actually the first sequence of the film where hes shown with an absurdly long beard, and considering every other fucking scene he's in is of him shaving his face, i assume this is to show just how long he's been kept in solitary confinement, which quite honestly was kindof exciting to realize at the end of the film.
and then. the end scene.
after solitary, Jack is put in cuffs and brought to see Paul who looked Extremely Dead after Jack had him, but hes not dead! just almost dead. Jack is sat next to him and tries to apologize but starts to cry, reaching out a hand to hold Paul's but retracting it regretfully. Paul, having looked unconscious not five seconds before, moves his hand to place it over Jack's...
and then the movie ends. and i am left writhing on my floor in anguish BUT NOT BEFORE I EXPLAIN TO YOU THAT THIS
THIS is what the deal is with Ghosted
the pathetic gestures of "im sorry" and "its okay" are what kill me. sorry is nowhere near enough to justify anything that EITHER of them did, NOR should they be forgiven. AND YET.
and what gets my gears going is the thought of what everything looks like AFTER this scene. after they've bonded so close and after Jack already thought that Paul stopped lying to him, thinking that he could protect Paul from Clay now... after they started to fill the spaces for people they were missing in their lives... and after they've RUINED each others lives. They Have Ruined Each Others Lives and yet Paul probably would have had to DELIBERATELY ASK for them to bring Jack to see him because he just BEAT Paul within an INCH of his life and would NOT !! have brought Jack to see him upon Jack's own request!! Paul would have wanted to see him too!! after all this what does their relationship look like now... the image of father and son has been all but shattered in each other's eyes, one can assume, but are they still close... does the guilt and responsibility drift them apart or does it pull them inseparably together? Ahmed tells Jack that "there is no such thing as coincidence, only fate" but what does their fate look like... does it end here or does it mean that they're together indefinitely? the end of this film swings the door wide open and i think about it. way too often. unacceptably often, even.
all in all theres no reason that this should be my favorite film but it is. if nothing else it's made me look into the other actors involved and branch out with a to-watch list as long as my arm that will only get longer once i branch out from there. is it the perfect movie? no this film is mediocre at best. have i made a number of my friends sit down and watch it and listen to me yell incoherently about it? of course i have.
#the heron speaketh#ghosted (2011)#aheem heem whimper#john lynch#martin compston#craig parkinson#art malik#i dont know if art has much of a tag on tumblr but he gets a tag on this post#i wish ahmed was more relevant in this movie. sighs pitifully#ANYWAYS this ask has been sitting in my inbox for a couple weeks now and ive been slowly picking at it but NEOW im ready to post it#i should probably post this before i post the fanart/screenshot redraws i have sitting in my files anyways. only makes sense#i left out a lot of plot mind you just to get this out in a reasonable sized post. theres a lot of good stuff in here#“well theres all this but heron whats your url mean-” ill talk about that in a minute give me a minute#erin and i watched ghosted together on new years eve this year DRUNK off our asses and it has never left my mind since#i still have the empty bottle of captain morgan from that night too actually. for sentimental reasons. i was very hungover the next day#worth itttt#alright i have other shit to do im posting this and leaving gootbye
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kinda funny when ur brain’s gut instinct is repression so you just kinda watch while your stress and emotions get bottled and corked and the whole time ur just like “that is going to bite me in the ass so bad later but i can’t seem to open the damn bottles without getting glass everywhere so! guess we’ll wait”
#marzi speaks#marzivents#<- not super but this is more negative than i like to be#sorry folks i’ve been mental illness posting a lot#maybe i should get checked for seasonal affective disorder. or maybe this is a trauma response? i DID nearly die this year#i dunno. the trauma stuff in particular is tricky bc if i try to unpack it before i’m ready i could basically just retraumatize myself#but if i wait too long then it’ll do some damage that way too. so i gotta time it right#what i really gotta do is actually contact one of these psychologists i got referred#i think i wanna go for a psychologist instead of a therapist bc i’d like the opportunity for medication/diagnosis if possible#i keep like. almost crying but every time it happens i’m like ‘YESSS CATHARSIS’ and then it goes away. fuckass brain#sighhh. i’m tired. i’m tired of resting too#but tomorrow is a holiday celebrated by eating good food with your family#so i’m gonna try to just enjoy myself and enjoy the day#and it’ll be nice#i’ll probably help cook which i always like doing#i got to chop chocolate tonight. it was really fun i like working with knives#didn’t even get any intrusive thoughts. just focused on making chocolate chunks#it’s satisfying to feel like you’ve made something. chopping things makes me feel like i’ve made something#i want to make more things. i’m really tired all the time lately (different from blood loss tired (i’m relieved i can tell the difference))#and being tired makes it harder to make things#but i’m at my happiest when i’m creating in some way. if you believe in purposes i’d say that was mine#i need to make things i need to put myself out into the world. that way i can look and say i existed. i did something tangible#sigh okay i’m gonna . stop here before this turns into mars shares all of her thoughtfeelings on public website tumblr.com#i know i literally liveblogged my colonoscopy prep to you all (thx again ppl who supported me then btw that was an awful night)#buuuuut i still wanna leave some parts of me a little mysterious. (<- is an open book)
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ahhhhhh i remember why i dont read comics & books and watch movies as much as I should. Because they make me lose it
#i get suddenly hit with a tsunami of inspiration and an urgency to Make Something#but the urgency isn't about the process of making it's about I Have Stories To Present Too. I have to See Them Realized.#and that hit of urgency is obviously far too short lived to make anything. esp since it comes in a set with a feeling of 'wow this-#-thing was so great' that transforms into intensified perfectionism of No No What Im Doing Here Isnt Good. What Is This. Disgrace-#-to my idea AND to what inspired it AND to my self proclaimed status as an amateur storyteller#which turns into artblock. so like low chances that ill even get a singular good drawing made during this#and the multiple comic or script or whatever ideas that appear in my head during this are out of the question entirely#oh and all of this appears next to the normal feelings caused by a good story like attachment to the characters and having to process it-#-for a while and if its very good then even sometimes rarely i get the need to make fanart#so all of this combined just leads to me not being able to do anything for a while and feeling awful about it.#fun./sar#i wish i was a normal artist people here are so resilient and do stuff even though they dont want to or they DO want to#because idk they enjoy being pissed bcs of a thing not turning out right and they dont mind how tedious it can get-#-and they enjoy sacrificing hours&days&months of their lives without a guarantee that anyone will appreciate it accordingly and itll pay of#its probably the resilience though#im weak like a dried twig both mentally and physically#this sounds like i never enjoyed drawing&writing ever. and to clarify thats far from true. i frequently enjoy it#just never frequently enough and consistently enough to actually make something more 'worthwhile' or linear#it's like a wind that comes & goes that i have no control over.#i try to keep telling myself that in the past i struggled to make anything 'bigger'....& know i even made animatic shitposts#this sounds so stupid god. an animatic shitpost being an achievement.#its not an art skill achievement its a fighting tooth and nail with my own self to actually finish it because its a struggle almost every-#-time achievement#what im saying is im trying to tell myself that i already improved. im doing more than i could have done in the past.#even if the process is so slow and i dont know when ill advance again#if ill advance again. i just gotta believe i guess? thank u parappa
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aouuugh my uterus......
#long long day at work codeine wasnt helping with cramps and my meds are less effective on my period :(#ive been doing okay most of the day tho just starting feeling kind of miserable omw home bc such a long wait at the bus stop in pain#and im kind of lonely at the moment but wont be able to climb tomorrow bc of cramps so thats my main social source gone :(#and it always feels worse at home bc if im having a hard time like in physical pain or feeling down my roommate cant rly handle it#like she cant rly be in the room with me the headphones go straight on. which is ok im realising its just how her type of autism works#so im trying not to get as upset at her abt it. with varying degrees of success but it just takes time#i mean i dont get upset AT her like ik its not her fault and i dont want her feeling like it is. I keep it internal + cry once im alone#just different social needs n boundaries innit. we're a bit incompatible is all#but its still hard. I'd like support from other ppl when I'm struggling i mean i think thats a fairly normal thing to want#but of the friends I would be comfortable talking to abt how i feel none of them have that kind of emotional availability#which again is ok like its not on them. and im very capable of dealing w my shit myself one way or another so its not a Need#but idk. it would just be nice. I feel like I've had to be so independent most of my teenage and adult life and I wish I could take a#break from that sometimes. even just a hug would be nice man#sorry i always come on here and talk abt the same problems... well youll see me do it again no doubt abt that 🫠#ughh and i feel so guilty for wanting things ppl cant give even though i know its not really my fault either and im allowed to want things#and i dont cross boundaries or make them feel bad abt it. i really hope i dont anyway. but still ahhh...#its so hard for me to feel connected to anyone if they cant rly engage w me emotionally at all like its a non negotiable#factor into closeness and trust for me and i get so frustrated bc i feel so distant and alienated from the ppl i care abt most#and ik i overreact bc of my rsd so maybe its just that its probably not even a real issue. but its real to me bc im the one who gets upset#man. anyway its okay just a really really long day. im gonna wash my dishes and then shower#and finish my book. maybe i should play some dead cells i miss it. i dont really want to think abt how i feel anymore#maybe ill see if anyones free to hang out tmr evening so i dont have to feel as lonely even if i cant leave the house after work#all good nice to have a plan anyway. done sniffling. my hot water bottle is helping thr cramps a littlr i think#.diaries#oh i dont think its helping actually ow. i took more codeine an hour ago why doesnt it do anything. not fairrr 😭
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[in which i reread the angela comics for every reference to the anchorites so i can prepare for a post about sera i am probably never going to write]
#i am actually incapable of thinking properly#i have the thoughts in my head!!! but the second i try to write it out in any way intellectual i simply fail#i feel like yall actually dont get the worst of that. it stays in drafts. its way worse when i speak i stutter + slur + forget words So much#anyway#its probably for the best#ill stay silly :3#nyxtalks#its just. so interesting. hevens society and the segregation and misandry and the way sera exists as a direct contradiction to everything#that is said about the anchorites and im just!!!!!!!#god i love sera so much.#they say thw anchorites are weak but here is sera; fighting alongside hevens greatest soldier#and just#it's affirmation of seras gender shes not like all the things they say about the men but also its a statement that we are wrong about them#and it can be read both ways and i like to read it as both because the plight of the anchorites is so important to sera#i don't see her saying it to distance herself from them everything she wants is to prove that anchorites are MORE#[screams]#sorry i said i wouldn't angela post but u already knew that was a lie these girls r everything to me#im like. 10x more unhinged about angela than izzy theres just. feedback with izzy? we encourage each other but I have to do angela to myself#read the angela comics boy [threat]
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#im just gonna complain abt it here bc i just have to accept that i can't irl bc no one else gets it#its hard to b a dyslexic grad student. u have to read so much. and its good. lots of reading is good. u just have to contend with a soul#crushing amout of discouragement at the fact u just kinda cant read while ur peers r like sure i can read this in class and have things to#say abt it. if u make me read in my head in class i literally cannot fucking tell u what i just read. not a god damn thing and if i try to#let my computer read to me i cant fucking pay attention for long enough so i just have to accept that from here on out ill have to#physically read papers aloud which i hate so much. its the only way i can fucking understand things and it still makes me feel dumb bc ill#somehow still space out while reading and have to reread like 4 times before i understand wtf is being said. it takes forever and it takes#energy and i dont like talking very much and it also restricts me to only being able to read at home which is frustrating#and im like i need to stop my brain from distracting myself with things that dont matter and my counselor is like: ur ocd is trying to make#work ur whole life and im like yeah thats how i got it. its the only way i can keep swimming with the non dyslexics#so its like wtf do i do? i kinda have to take the hit and make work my whole life rn. morn the loss of other things for a while#i dunno im still a bummer rn. like im probably coming off as more an asocial freak than normal bc its hard to talk ans maintain conversation#rn. but whatever. sometimes things just suck and theres nothing u can do abt it but accept it and move on. ill learn lots of things with all#the reading i have to do and that's never a bad thing ...no matter how much i dont give a fuck abt animals#like jesus. i could not even begin to give a fuck about like 95% of mammals. fish r cool tho. plants too#but microbes is where its at. i dont understand y ppl dont understand how cool they r. oh well ill just have to tell them#if i can find my fucking enthusiasm. ugh i have to make one of my classes read a paper and i have to work with someone abt find it. she#works with like rabbits. i refuse to assign a mammal paper. i fucking refuse. we will do plants or microbes or fucking paleontology#i will fight her on this. ugh. light filtering or orchid speciation would b perfect. annoying#at least i get to work with some culturs this week#unrelated
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