#ill post her tmrw probably

[dazesanddoodles]

think the spirit of zampanò has possessed me

[motherforthefamicom]

managed to make two entire lps customs today =)

[osaemu]

life update under the cut bc this is a blog and people talk about their lives on their blogs!

omg okay so its only wednesday but I SWEAR ITS BEEN A WEEK SINCE THE WEEKEND. i have a five-slide presentation due at midnight that i havent started ((its 7:30 pm here)) and math homework due tmrw and im procrastinating bc i dont wanna do them 😭😭

ummm i have to make my queue post and then my mutuals post sometime soon. maybe ill do a selfship one too when my comms are done!! comms meaning art comms from other people but im writing in exchange so i have to do those too. maybe ill open writing comms for money whenever i set up paypal or something idk

kinda sucks that we finally got topless gojo but not the way we wanted it LMFAO,, sorry gojo nation. i would be devastated but dazai my number one pookie bear had the best day ever today so..... womp womp. also chuuya was so cute n silly in todays episode so i just cant bring myself to be sad rn lol

i think its funny how i stay up until 2 am most nights willingly and i dont drink coffee or energy drinks at all. im just built different!!

oohhhh i wanna talk about my irl friends rn. so irl whose codename is gonna be link on here is super cute n silly, she also writes fanfic but not nearly as often as i do. shes an ao3 girlie and shes super into zelda and thinks i write too much lmao which is probably true.

codename elsa is literally gorgeous. perfect breathtaking amazing in every way possible. shes a year older than me and i love her sm!! she thinks dazais very skinny which is true but...... hes my bf (real) (not clickbait)

codename jeanmarco is three years older than me and goes to berkeley :D theyre super fun to talk to and i cant wait for them to come back n visit!! i told them about the bsd and jjk updates today (theyre mostly involved in the aot fandom) and they said they were happy dazai survived bc otherwise i wouldve gone insane :3

honorable mentions: codename cat who got me into jjk (my old crush) left me on delivered for a whole month LMFAO, if it was anyone else they would be blocked but he leaves everyone on delivered so. im trying not to take it personally bc hes sweet but very bad at person-ing edit: he liked my spam post right after i posted this wow i manifested that so hard yall

also codename partay! keeps saying that if i were an animal id be a cat. idk why, i was whistling the other day bc i love whistling and she was like "hannah if you were an animal you'd be a cat".

EVERYONE ON MY SPAM TODAY SAID I LOOKED LIKE RAISIN BREAD TODAY. HOW DO I LOOK LIKE RAISIN BREAD.

anyways thanks for reading my life update ima do these more often now lmao!

[dizzyfizzydarling]

GUTS tracklist is here!!! i'm so psyched and lowkey hoping she'll drop the second single tmrw on friday...👀 BUT ANYWAYS lemme tell you the tracks i claim:

all-american bitch - i have a feeling it'll be like a fiercer and more grown-up brutal, very snarky and rough which is exciting, i'm thinking this will be a single with a video

get him back! - i think this'll be wry, ironic, witty, and a sarcastic, maybe kind of an overwhelming rush sound of frenzy just off the title. maybe also a single?

pretty isn't pretty - tbh i love her self-love anthems 🥺 i think this'll be commentary on the beauty industry and all the pressures put on young women similar to jealousy, jealousy

from olivia's recent vogue interview written by jia tolentino, we have some descriptions of a few of the songs. i think the two "wrenching, cinematic ballads" are (duh) ballad of a homeschooled girl and maybe making the bed or lacy. the song which describes "an ill-advised and irresistible night with an ex" is probably bad idea right?

when the album drops i'll stream it relentlessly then reblog this post and update with how accurate my predictions were 😄

[supermantv]

daxton + “it’s just a cut, really.” requested from this prompt list. an alternate ending of season 2, episode 5!

Devi’s legs feel like jell-o and every step she takes she's less and less certain that they'll continue to hold her up. Honestly, it's something of a miracle that she's still standing at this point. She shoves her hands deeper into the pocket of her sweater, and there's the familiar, tell-tale burning sensation behind her eyes- a forewarning of oncoming tears. Exhausted and upset, Devi spots the nearest empty couch and practically throws herself into its cushions, wanting nothing more than to end her miserable day curled up and crying herself to sleep right then and there. The universe seems to have other plans in store for her though, because right after she's seated, the blanket on the other side of the couch begins to shift, and a familiar mop of hair emerges. 

“Devi?” Paxton blinks blearily at her, voice thick and a little hoarse from having just woken up. He clears his throat and Devi hunches her shoulders. 

“Sorry,” she whispers, and even though the simple sight of him has relieved some of the tension in her chest, she feels guilty for interrupting his nap. “Go back to sleep.”

But Paxton is already pushing himself into a sitting position, the blanket falling to his lap from where it had been tucked under his chin and across his shoulders. He rubs at his eyes and scrutinizes her, lips quickly pulling downward into a frown as he takes in her messy appearance. 

“Shit, are you okay?” 

He reaches past her to pull a twig from her hair and if Devi weren't so emotionally and physically drained, she might have found it in herself to be embarrassed by the disastrous state she's in. 

“I'm fine,” she says, but even she knows she's not trying very hard to be convincing. She reclines further back into the couch, tugging on the corner of the blanket Paxton had been using so that it now covers both of them. 

“Geez, did you get mauled by a bear or something?” He's completely awake now, scanning her face, and she's moved by the concern present in his voice. However, this sentiment is quickly forgotten when he drags his fingers softly on her cheek, his fingers coming back coated in blood. Her blood. Devi feels slightly queasy at the thought. She hadn't stopped to take stock of her injuries, one minor crisis after the other preventing her from letting herself feel any of the pain either. She winces now, feeling the way her cheek throbs, but she still tries to wave him off. 

“It's just a cut, really,” she tries to reassure him. “I'm okay.”

Paxton doesn't seem to believe her though, because the frown never leaves his face, seems to deepen if possible, and he lifts a single brow to express his doubt. “Three,” he says. 

“Three what?” 

“Three cuts, Devi,” he tells her and her face must give away her shock because he shakes his head and asks, “how could you not notice? There's two gashes on your cheek and one on your forehead.” 

“I was a little sidetracked,” she murmurs, and she doesn't know why, but the self-loathing wins out at this exact moment. All the anger and frustration and sadness finally push their way to the surface, tired of being ignored, as a single tear trickles down the side of her face, followed quickly by another, and one more after that, until she's left sobbing silently. 

“Uh.” Devi can hear the panic in his voice this time when Paxton speaks. “I'll be right back.” 

Through her tear obstructed vision she can see him stand and take off in the opposite direction. Which is fine, really, because it's not like she had been expecting him to stay and comfort her. He wasn't obligated to. He'll probably return with Fabiola or Eleanor in tow, and he'll hover in the background to make sure she's okay as one of her friends attempts to calm her down. Still, she doesn't know why the sight of his retreating figure makes her cry just a little harder. 

A minute passes, maybe five or ten, Devi can't really be sure, but soon the spot beside her on the couch is dipping under the weight of someone new, and soft hands are pushing her tangled hair out of her face as something wet is rubbed against her forehead. The tears are still falling, but slower now and with less force, and Devi is able to make out Paxton sitting next to her again, with a stack of napkins clutched in his fist. When he notices her focus on him, he smiles uncertainly. 

“I mean, I'm no doctor or anything,” he says, still dabbing away at the cut on her forehead with the damp paper. “But I figured this was better than nothing. I couldn't find any tissues.” 

She nods, grateful, and he holds out the napkins to her, pulling his hand away from her face as she wipes at the lingering tears on her cheeks. 

“What happened?” he asks, pulling her head down to rest against his shoulder. His hand finds its way back into her hair, fingers weaving gently through the tangles and stray leaves. 

“I got mauled by a bear,” she tells him, allowing her eyes to drift shut as he continues his ministrations. 

Paxton falls silent at her obvious lie and doesn't prod for more information. Devi presses herself more firmly into his side and he lets her, leaning back and pulling her with him until he's laying flat on his back and she's on top of him, her head tucked under his chin. He continues to play with her hair. And maybe Devi should care more about the rather intimate position they find themselves in, but as it stands, his fingers feel too good against her scalp, and his chest makes for a wondrous pillow, and she's too tired to pretend she doesn't like it.

“Thank you,” she mumbles into his shirt, and is already asleep before he gets the chance to reply.

[fereldenshero]

Feeling mentally ill but in a bad way, not a jokey memey way

[stinkrascal]

todays posts r kinda boring but listen LISTEN starting tomorrow things will get interesting just u fuckin wait....... just u WAIT............

[marsupial-tapir]

i sat bolt upright in bed at 2am with a divine vision of jack braiding sammy’s hair

[seaquestions]

my touhou oc, naegi! i think i succeeded well enough w/ the zun art style.. naming her was the hard part! her bio:

七草 苗木 | Nanakusa Naegi ~ Unwilting Green-Thumb Magician

A human magician. Naegi was once a simple gardener who wanted to get better at caring for her plants, but after reading a few old books, she got sucked into the world of magic. She currently lives somewhere between the Human Village and the Garden of the Sun. Down to earth and always positive, but a bit impatient.

Spell Cards:

Flower Sign "Herbaceous Border" | 花符 「草本のボーダー」

Earth Sign "Guerrilla Gardener" | 土符 「ゲリラ庭師」

Garden Sign "Sunshine Revolution" | 庭符 「日光革命」

Spring Shower "Festival of Seven Herbs" | 春雨 「七草の節句」

Theme: きせきのタネ (Miracle Seed) ~ Lucky Number Seven

[caveangelascendant]

(i took ur sexyman uquiz and i wrote all this out and i have to put this somewhere now otherwise its not fair but u can not post this akin to how one behaves with responses to a uquiz) ive gotat,,,,, rina sawayama cherry stuck in my head. also mitski is a band what. ive been meaning to listen to an artist but i cant remember anymore. did you know dove cameron has a music career now. i really like her song lazybaby bc i like pop music a lot and have a thing for women calling me baby probably anyway if you tell me im the onceler ill break down crying. my brownies are in the oven please if they fuckign burn im gonna fucking yell. depsite this message im actually feeling pretty good rn school is abt to end i have to write a fucking letter in spanish tmrw i forgot about that. i ahve a lecture series next week kinda anyway i need a mac to code this app in the swift programming langauge so this other thing im doing is probably gona give me one but like are they.

lots to unpack here but i hope that ur brownies turned out ok and that u get ur mac :)

[sortagaysortahigh]

Plot twist: greenberg was a girl on the guys varsity lax team and she was a freshman at first but then ends up a senior w scott and stiles and the reason Coach is always like “graduate already” is bc she tests his every nerve and has been for 4 years always cracking jokes about being the best on the team. Plus in the locker room scenes he’d yell at her for being in the guys locker room or he’d yell bc he’s trying to get her attention but he forgets that shes a girl and is in the girls locker room next door. She is the best on the team btw and id say she’s probably something supernatural bc atp in beacon hills whats the point of being human like?

Im queuing this post for tonight bc i dont want to be clowned while im awake so ill just be clowned tmrw morning when i see any notifs

[patientlystudying]

6th of August 2020 // 41/100 days of productivity

📸 a sketch(?) I made a long time ago when I didn’t want to study👁👄👁

Umm at first I was too lazy to post so I was like I’m going to postpone this for tmrw but I decided not to,, today wasn’t very eventful I didn’t finish studying chapter 4 and 5 of physics - I only finished 4- 😔😔😔

so tomorrow is literally going to be so hectic for me since I have a lot of chapters that I need to study 😢😢 I already studied 4,5 and 6 before but I like to study everything one more time in detail before an exam however I haven’t even touched chapter seven💔💔💔 I just know some tears are going to be spilled tomorrow...

and if you’re wondering no I didn’t start that “egg diet” because I decided to just reduce the amount of food I take and not eat anything sweet except I failed during that part since my uncle took my cousin and I to eat ice cream 🤩

I also went to see my grand-grand ma who felt ill so I decided that seeing her is much more important than studying for an exam I’ll probably do bad at no matter how hard I study... but on a more serious note,, please I don’t care what religion do you believe in or what god do you believe in.. please even if it’s just for a few seconds pray for my grand-grand ma to be healthy and happy... I don’t want to lose her and I know that my mom will break if something happens to her since she hasn’t seen her and most likely won’t see for until next year because of the whole corona virus so please even if it’s just for a few seconds💚💚

I’m sorry if this was too long and too sad... please understand :)

[katedoesntexist]

Stay-at-home journal 1/4/21

Yesterday:

Slept in

Watched a lot of agdq

Put away more christmas stuff

Got rid of pumpkins that were surprisingly still in totally fine condition

Made a few little clay things

Stayed up way too late and was angry abt it

Today:

Work :(

Probably not much after bc ill want to rest

Free space:

Dreamt i was waiting for a package to come to my house (back home) so i walked home idk from where but i passed the hospital. My partner was w me. I opened the package. It was large. Idk what was in it. Pillows or wooden pieces to build something. Not sure. He had to go to work. At some point someone i work w died, idk who. I went to a late night gathering where it was going to be officially announced. I was w someone and we were trying to find seats together, but it turned out there were plenty of seats bc they opened up a wall that combined the room w the next one over. There were long banquet tables all made up and we were told to be very careful bc there was to be a wedding in the morning and we were graciously allowed to use the room for the emergency meeting. As this was explained, a girl knocked over a glass of water and soaked the table cloth where she sat. I was painting or something and had left over paint and didnt want it to go to waste so i tried to gather it up. I was putting items in a bowl, long items first. Then at some point i left and was in the bathroom and it was like through a series of rooms like how a bedroom has a bathroom attached to another bedroom. There was a girl sleeping in a room and i accidentally woke her up but made some excuse that i was just borrowing scissors. I left a giant chunk of dirty attic insulation (an irrational fear of mine) in the center of her floor and didnt tell her. Then i went to my bunk and listened to the broadcast of the meeting from there. At some point i was at a party but it was more like watching a movie. There was a girl and guy there together and the guy did some weird party trick where he sucked in a pill some other girl threw upwards at him. Then that girl was trying to leave w him and he almost did, but then he remembered he was there w someone. While they left there were like monsters or something? Not sure. And at one point i was w someone (maybe that guy?) and we were again in a big room w long banquet tables, but this time it was college and the tables were for ppl taking final exams. They were to sit w an empty seat in between, but i sat down in one of the empty seats. When a teacher came over to yell at me i smugly explained that im not taking a test so its okay for me to sit there. Further down in the room i spotted someone i no longer socialize w and i was stressed out and hoped he didnt see me. I woke up three minutes before my alarm (early) and was upset that person was in my dream. Now i feel gross.

Welp i did wake up before 8 am, but i feel terrible. Im gonna give it another ten minutes before i get out of bed.

I took a picture of the clay stuff i made, but ill share it tmrw. I dont want it on the same post as that dream.

[coffeeselfies]

This is technically the “I think I need coffee,” selfie, but it’s been so long since I’ve posted that I figured anything was better than nothing.

I’m still trying to sleep through the inspiration of a very wonderful Bob Goff.

I. love. him.

But on to darker things, like my not-so-distant past!

Hahaha. So I was looking for an old assignment I e-mailed myself, and instead found a bunch of cryptic-heavy things I had texted one of my rarely used e-mails from my phone.

So of course I’m going to put them together, here, since I will probably just lose them otherwise. And because everyone on the internet loves reading the things I e-mail to, well, myself (WAIT, DO I NOT HAVE FRIENDS, WHAT IS MY LIFE). :p

4/12/12 - A veces no quiero hablar Por Nada con mis amigos. Solamente, "Hoy me dice ,estas loca, pero le esta loco a Juan!" Y mas Nada. Yo quiero hablar about cosas lejas. Ayer y Hoy hable con jean y veronika, solamente small talk primer. Pero despues, yo decido hablar about the things which I was.actually thinking about lately, the deeper layers. My thoughts were kind of awkward. Random. But I'm so glad I did, it lead to such good convos! As if, although my own thoughts or specific revelation (another one about love, of course), but led to true, sincere convos from the heart. Yes! Thank you, Lord. It's funny how I won't open up and ill get frustrated at the lack of depth in a conversation, yet really all I need to do in some cases is just jump right into the true issues. Ahh small talk kills me.

3/4/12 - He asked us a few questions: Who are you using?

How are you using them?

Physically. Sexually. Emotionally. Spiritually. Monetarily.

How can you restore that? Who's using you? Do you love money, and use people?

Or do you love people, and use money?

5/9/12 I think my id and superego are in conflict... I prefer that psychological term to saying that right vs wrong or my flesh is in rebellion, I guess. I just want to do all sorts of things that aren't of God, and i don't even know what to do. I think I need to just remember that life is short, and not about what I want. I'm getting too caught up in the worldly details, my visions going, my path, every time I think I'm expanding it, is getting more and more limited. Goodnight, from post Dave n busters with cartel, post umsl, going to school tmrw. 

5/17/12 - "Can you keep a secret?" I should have realized by now that this question should be answered with fear and heaviness rather than curiosity.

5/29/12 - I dreamt that, after they thought I had left, my parents started fighting. Loudly, viciously, hatefully. I came down shouting, 'stop it, stop it!!' But their heads were already covered in blood, as I'd they were going to kill eachother. I never found out if they stopped or not, because dad called to me in real life from the other room. At first I wondered if I had really been shouting, and that's why he had contacted me, but no, it was just about bulk trash being today. Something sounds like its gnawing on something, I can hear and feel the vibrations of it through my pillow. Creepy. 

6/4/12 - I have always been a compassionate person – making little houses for wounded snakes and worms – befriending the kid who’s got no one but himself for company, partnering with the girl who doesn’t really speak English. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve recognized that God has been faithful in granting me patience, mercy, and grace as well, and I know that these are not my own,  but I am meant to share them with the very people God has give me a heart for – the downtrodden, broken, and outcast, and ultimately just humanity in general.  This has, more or less, been my (more recent) life pursuit. To follow God’s Will for my life, regardless of where it takes me. So far that has meant giving hope to weary and often lost travelers of Amsterdam, mentoring at risk juveniles and raising awareness for human trafficking in Los Angeles, running English and Summer-School programs for Chinese immigrants in New York City, training and creating jobs for families in Haiti, as well as hosting events and creating opportunities for girls to leave brothels , learning how to run a business in Mexico while also helping out at various orphanages for disabled Children, and even just being there for my own family and friends when they’ve needed it most. It has meant months of Ministry Training schools, years of living in International Community Houses, working in roles that range from administration, to construction, to managerial, and an ever growing reliance on and relationship with Jesus Christ.I’ve been back in Saint Louis for a year now,

7/1/12 - Today started strangely, my head still a little blurry from the wine from the night before. I went to church, very late, where daren had a cupcake waiting for me. Why? Because Tuesday I had admitted I had experienced some downer bdays and he realized that it was my half birthday. Mom came, cried, we hugged, went to the church picnic.. I went home, told dad about her accident, and he just started weeping, so hard that his nose began to.bleed. I stroked his hair and.got a bit teary eyed.and then we got.on our knees and prayed... Later was feeling down and missing Luke, but jean got me out.

11/11/12 - And with your hands in the air, your feet barely touching ground, I take that smile to mean that life is finally turning 'round. And we laugh til we cry and we dance til we cant, and I feel free as can be each time I see that gleam in your eye. Then the secrets come out and its less about being blessed and more about a high. So when you're dancing I'm wondering if that's you, and when you're singing, I know you would be singing.the blues... But that gleam in your eye, well really its more of a glaze all along, I just saw what I wanted as you,strung me along. 

12/20/12 -

Well the queens off her throne Hiding in a stairwell Feet strewn about the stairs Seeming barely aware That her kingdom awaits The king, divorced long ago He's crying Where's his iron fist? Seems he's traded it for sentiment "Pathetic!" He might self accuse If only his tears would let him Seems everything's a dream these days, Some hellish, some sweet But all 

--

I used to find the idea of receiving a text in the middle of the night strange.

Now, after years of practice, I find it comforting, perhaps a reminder that I am not so alone as I would feel.

I hadn't realized this, of course, until now.

Now, when I wake up to nothing but darkness and my own thoughts.

Now, when, regardless of whether I toss myself awake at 2am or 4am, there is no message.

There's nothing to reassure me that there's another person in this world who is awake and eager to share a moment, even a small, electronic message with me.

1/11/13 - Today Gave my testimony. Adopt a block, played ninja. Eva likes hanging out with Christians. I break rules and have real convos with the disciples. Play bs. Go to angelus temple. Do food distribution. Met hosea who talked to us because he thought I was pretty, was super catholic, thought tim was my bf, etc etc etc

1/29/13 - Oh hi, I'm feeling cold and pathetic, and thought I would ... Email myself. That seems fitting. Somehow emailing yourself feels much more pathetic than just journaling. Right now I feel like I wish anyone, absolutely anyone , would sit down across from me. Even the old creepy man who, after asking a few non essential questions, left me for the warmth of the indoors, or... I don't know, a donut. Why do I feel like this.Lord? Is it because I am not so busy in school? Is it because Adam moved and despite the fact that I was barely hanging out with him last semester anyway, he was a crutch, and knowing that at 1am when I feel pathetic and lonely and confused, I can't even text someone I know would care? I mean. I know others would care. But we aren't exactly on that level just yet. What is my life? Why am I this way, and why do I want attention for it? Or why do I feel the need to find someone who would , what, save me ? From myself.? From my thoughts? Why am I seeking comfort in shallow things, the wings of friends and acquaintences and , frick, anything. Whywhywhywhy. I don't know. Is this what life is like for people? Lord, you are the one God, the only thing worth it, you are good when no one else is, am I getting caught up in things that I shouldn't, what am I even going on about? Life life life. It's all good, right

2/13/13 - (From a voice to text translator)

tomorrow I'm supposed to have an awkward cuddling session with my love scene manager and a love my phone from church I'm not sure how I get myself into these awkward situations but I definitely am good at it office tomorrow my uncle is moving in for a month but should be really awkward and I wish that I had a lock on my door and the house I'm learning that the things that I desire to have a find myself feeling empty when I do get them but I'm happy about it because it gets me clarity because it shows me that nothing else really matters is just kind of in my head really got the only thing that matters is the only thing I should pursue S I miss Adam I know you won't hang out that much before you left but now I guess I'm missing him double I don't know I don't know what I mean exactly but he's been gone a few weeks now and it's weird not having a best friend to talk to you about everything I have a lot of friends I have a lot of good friends but this is different it is different when you have someone who knows so much about you already and you don't have to tell the back story every time you tell them a new story because I already know who so I'm so is or why you feel that way or white was a bad idea that you did that so I'm also giving up ice cream and I'll call for lunch and I'm going to be time to eat a lot better subject tomorrow hopefully that I've also really just been wanting to be free of employment just live and everyday wake up and say what I want to do without help homeless people if I want to make something I want to sell another day love you babe I wanna go out with a friend I make my card I definitely don't want to spend 5 shifts a week at cartel but at the same time I don't feel like I'm self disciplined enough to not have a job I'm just getting tired of the creepers and the internet the kids off work as well as yeah I don't know ent from my HTC on the Now Network from Sprint!

8/18/13 -

Woke up really missing my dad. Go figure. Able to properly seduce emotions into a flat, shruggable denial ever since those first few days, and now, on the day I hoped to "stay strong" the most, I can't stop thinking of part of the song he wrote for Rachel, only now in regards to him - "I miss you, in the summertime.. I miss you, in the wintertime.. I miss you - all the time. I love my Rachel Sue." Only.. Daddy-o, or something. Ahhh.. Thank you, Lord, for such a kind father. Please help today glorify your name, run smoothly.. its so obvious we can't do it without you.

8/19/13 - I miss my dad. I am sad that I'll never have him burst in my room in November at three am with pancakes and lit birthday candles because he started thinking about some of the birthdays of mine he had missed, and wanted us to be able to celebrate  together. I can't drink milk or even look at rootbeer without hearing him ask for some, so eagerly, and then sigh 'mmmm, now that's good,' so contentedly after his first sip. I miss that his crazy stories are not going to be things that I share in everyday conversation with my friends, because they're all old stories and it will seem out of place. who do i have to talk to about my dad? no one. it makes everyone sad. theres no one to just share his life with, aside from close family, and that will be limited. Everyone keeps telling me I'm so strong. What does that mean?I'm strong because I didn't start sobbing when I spoke? Because I'm smiling and laughing with you? Is that strength or disposition? Blake said that I was handling this better than anyone he's ever seen deal with death. What does that mean? 

12/13/13

I see a sadness in your eyes.Behind the words, another message.The weight of your world becomes tangible, heavy, a thickness that weights me like a fog rolling in with, strapping invisible bricks to my body. Sometimes it's your words, blatant and straightforward, other times it's the sighs, the eyes that flash with emotion for just a moment, Did you know that's been seen? So many words, how can they be contained? I hear things you've never said, I see 

1/03/14-

I've tried reflecting on 2013.. tried finding words which could somehow, miraculously encapsulate all of the growth, struggle, joy, depression, transformation, and experiences that it contained. It will be one of the most memorable years of my life, for many reasons, but it may also be one of those years that the full impact of may be lost on me for awhile now.In the past few weeks, I've been looking through journals, photos, and letters, remembering and realizing exactly how many changes this year has brought. Led my first missions trip, felt the loss of saying goodbye to one of my best friends, discovered what living with not just my dad, but my uncle Ken, five chickens, two cats, two ducks, a dog, and whoever else decided to stay over was like, became the missions director at middletree church, became an AUNT to the most beautiful little Emelia Skye, gained a new set of amazing and wonderful friends, played nurse/daughter/friend/staff member/sister/maid/hopsicecare/barista/student/leader to the point of confused identity and exhaustion, left cartel to become part of the Caife Caife family, DIDN'T leave the country for the first time in yeaaaaars, actually had to turn down exciting travel/jobs, speaking opportunities, and a leadership position with a non-profit (rather than seek them out, like usual), spent 7 months of the year experiencing the beauty, hardship, and love of caring someone who is dying in more and more ways every day, the trauma and release of my dad's actual death, the months following that are nothing but fog, sorrow, and blurred memories, the 14-state family road trip of a lifetime, moving to the Loop with Dani, experiencing being 'home for the holidays' without any actual family to be home with, and .. I don't know.. the Sara of today, who can look back on things only a year ago and find I have a whole new perspective on them. ..I only wrote one public (well, as public as it can be when I have a total of 8, predominately inactive followers) blog post in 2013, mostly talking about overcoming fear to become the person I feel I'm called to be. It was mostly inspired by revelations from the LA Dream Center trip, and I can't tell you how nice it is to be able to look back on the goals and dreams I wanted so desperately to become a reality, and to be able to say that, even through all the changes and sorrow of this year, that they were able to come to fruition. I'm not in to new years resolutions, but I do highly recommend kickstarting your year with an inspiring, transformative experience, which can set the trajectory for how you are going to live, what goals you will meet or fall short of (but still come closer to, which is still GROWTH, something to celebrate!) in the coming adventure of 2014. No matter what 2013 held, don't let fear of who you were just last month keep you from being who you want to be tomorrow. This little blog post is nice for me to re-read, because it reminds me of my fears, and what overcoming them, even one step at a time, can lead to. 2013 was a hard year for me, but it has also brought me to exactly where I feel I'm supposed to be right now. 

1/29/14 - "I'm good" I wore the reassuring words like a blanket. Cover, no, smother whatever was beneath, within.   Protect yourself from the cold, vulnerable words might slip thru the holes in the blanket... exposed means they can feel temperature of your meaning. Heavy, heat from the heart. you can feel their response.  Pray for a warm touch, but there's always risk of icicle daggers

2/19/14

it's just that

I have a lot of thoughts

ideas, fears, ..a lot of places that I'd like to explore

But they feel so heavy when it's just me and them

feels like there’s a lot of trees to climb before i get to the clouds

and I'd like to share them with someone

who cares about them just as much as I do,

someone with just as much to risk,

who understands each side of the story.

And sometimes, I see planets in those eyes,

but have no rocketship to get me there

And I see that depth, but there's just no way to tap in

Im searching for someone to explore with

those infinite galaxies in your mind and mine.

Someone to make sense of it,

write poetry about it

but not get so caught up that it's just us - no

Always God first.

Always seeking his planets, his stars, his truth..

and maybe that's the adventure..

[tuupii]

my shite day just got way worse and i can’t afford having insomnia due to anxiety