#ill kill myself if i cant be with him
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Hopeful Steward study in drawpile, because they are my child and I love them
#i cant even joke about if anything happens to them ill kill everyone in the room and then myself#cause we see their DEATH SCREEN IN THE TRAILER#my poor kid 😭😭😭😭#wonder who kills him#alef#the guard who was chasing him in that one scene in the trailer#a krill?#either way i will bawl#Hopeful Steward#Dusk Ember#sky cotl#Sky Two Embers#S2E
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AND I MET THE CHANGE GOD TOO. OKAY. COOL OKAY
#I WASNT EVEN MEANING TO SO I ACCIDENTALLY SKIPPED THE DIALOGUE BEFORE I KNEW WHAT WAS HAPPENING FUCK#ill go and find it later if only to give myself peace of mind. BUT WOW. WHAT THE FUCK#my original plan was to 1) work my way to the king and talk to him 2) doom myself and take everyone down with me 3) loop back to floor 3#so i can visit the observatory and scrounge for any lore. although since i got killed that run siffrin asked the king to kill him first#which was intereresting. but i decided to have all doors unlocked that time around so i can just get the starcrest and go#but for some reason it wasnt working so i went to get the keyknife since i was already there and completely forgot i already had it#from the previous loop and THATS what triggered it. IT WAS FUNNY BUT ALSO SCARY BUT ALSO I THINK I GET WHAT THEY MEAN#about siffrin going back without actually changing. going along with a script even if his feelings on things change#the same way he has his own small rituals like the carving thing and does it for constancy. reassurance or safety even#and the times when he breaks script and ends horribly like the sadness attacking thing and bonnie yelling at him cause him to loop#to avoid it. although i cant really say anything bc id probably do the same thing. maybe not for the same reasons since im cruel#and make him do the worst to see what will happen since i put curiosity over rejection sensitivity as an observer and player but well.#i feel wrongfooted bringing it up since i dont have it myself but i have to wonder if this kind of leans into ocd tendencies.. i remember#reading something about how ocd is fuelled by fear. and things like counting and rituals are kind of used to cope with that?#if anyone knows anything more or talked abt it already id be really interested in hearing it bc im almost sure im not#the first to come to this conclusion. but i simply dont know enough nor have the confidence to broach the topic rn esp with how often#misconceptions around ocd get casually passed around so its hard for me to know what is and isnt a baseless assumption#puppy plays isat#in stars and time#isat#playthru#isat spoilers#in stars and time spoilers#isat act 3 spoilers#change god#WHAT WAS THAT WITH WEARING LOOPS FACE THOUGH WHAT THE FUCKKK
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🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
#SAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE ONE AND ONLY!!!!#we thank shuichi for existing everyday (praying hands emoji)#HAPPY BDAY TO THE MAN WHO GOT ME INTO THIS HELLHOLE#THANK YOU FOR BEING SO HOT AND CUTE AND SMART AND HOT AND SO SO SOSOSOSOSO CUTE!!!!!!!#traditional art cuz i did not trust myself enough to be able to make anything good with digital#LIVE LOVE LAUGH COLOUR PENCILS#fuck my camera quality tho what the actual fuck#this is literally the best one i could use after like 10 takes WITH filters#alr wishing yalls can just come into my house to admire the real thing#ill get better at digital art and next year ILL CREATE SOMETHING TRULY OUT OF THE WORLD FOR HIM!!!#danganronpa shuichi#shuichi saihara#drv3 shuichi#kokichi oma#he's the hand in the upper left corner btw if you cant see it properly#kokichi ouma#kaede akamatsu#hand on the right but honestly you can just interpret that as anyone as well#ndrv3 killing harmony#ndrv3 kin#ndrv3#danganronpa v3#my art
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so with echoes of wisdom .. i havent watched any of the trailers beyond the very first one and the thumbnails/screenshots and what others have said about it-
but with the world inside the rift being called "Welt des Nichts" aka "world of nothing/void" in german ('still' in english, for some reason) and demises title in french being "avatar of nothing" ... yeah my anxiety is shooting through the roof again
(hopefully you can be a little more forgiving for me being anxious/weird about it bc demise is my blorbo)
i had similar worries with totk, that werent proven true thankfully, but the darn book is making it all worse again with all those weird lore things the game doesnt even so much as hint at AND potential retcons- im in for a really rough time huh, not just stress in real life (more in tags.. its alot) but now about my specific hyperfixation from two things even (AND artblock still..)
weird as it may sound, i dont want demise to get more lore, partly bc i dont believe theyd do anything with him that i would like (given their track record) but much more importantly- the fact that he has this little lore about him is precisely one of the reasons why i fell in love with him, i tend to like characters that are neglected by the narrative, and his story being both so flat and already done meant i can be very creative with what i come up with for him without necessarily contradicting anything in canon (which is ... or was a big point of how i wrote destiny's story and lore, working with canon in a way that reframes it all without straight up ignoring it ... but i suppose i urgently need to let go of that and accept i spend alot of time working things that will go to waste :( ) AND not having to worry that there will be more stuff with him that would massively change not only what im writing but also potentially how i feel about him since the game he was briefly in was the oldest chronologically and ended with his death- i didnt expect them to mess with anything that far back and thought theyd just go forward and leave the timeline behind and wouldnt mess with it again, given how botw seemed to be a sort of 'fresh start' that seemingly regarded the past as the past that needs to rest and that the timeline was finally no longer a discussion if everythings unified through botw and one thing going forward
but i suppose i was very wrong with that .__.
right now the only thing that motivates me still is the left over determination and spite to work on my zelda comic, since i have never gotten this far and really want to get something done for once, but i cant lie that im feeling like i should pause all work on it too to wait and see waht the book and the new game will do .. either to determine if i still have the will to keep working on it after those things are out (my love for tloz has been taking alot of hits lately ..) or if i have to change stuff (mostly bc of my lore problem trying to not ignore it ..)
#ganondoodles talks#zelda#ganondoodles rants#sorta#suicide attempt mention in the IRL stuff im talking about in the following tags btw#theres some construction stuff on our house going on#and my father is extremely stressed about it#he used to be very explosive- being silent and then exploding out of nowhere .. probably left me with lasting damage yippie-#but now he much more lets it eat at himself bc hes old and feels bad for the past stuff so now it makes him irritated and depressed#my older brother is the most normal cis straight guy you can imagine and incredibly impatient and bossy (you CANNOT talk with him)#(brother doesnt live in our house)#and while hes helping out hes doing it exactly how my father doesnt like and since you cant talk to the guy (explosive +200) it stresses hi#to the point of my father yesterday saying that “it would have been better if i had just died back in the day”#likely referring to the time when he was drafted for the military against his will and tried to kill himself#which i learned only like .. a year ago- theres so little my parents tell me ....#its like my mother telling me- while my father was in hospital for heart surgery- that she not only almost died back when i was a young tee#and only survived bc of some incredibly unebelievable lucky coincidences (medics on a travel being there that knew what she had-#-while our local doctors said welp- nothing we can do lady AND them beign there with a helicopter and emergency transferring her#to antoher bigger hospital while giving her immediate treatment our local one didnt do- AND at the big one just so happened to have-#-an expert on that illness in the facility when she arrived who was able to narrrowly save her life#BUT ALSO while she was recovering and weak and frail as a dust bunny witnessing someone stealing hospital surplies-#not noticing she was in the room at first (which .. the nurses left her in the nurse room while going on break ... which uhm .. yeah cool)#and if my mother hadnt acted in time like she was fully asleep and the lady stealing stuff beign in hurry- she might have killed her#without my mother being able to fight back bc she could barely even talk (the nurses didnt want to believe her when they got back either)#ANYWAY that comment from my father brough me to tears#and my mom is trying out more ... other medication shes not prescribed in hopes of it helping agaisnt her many pains#but i worry it will interact with the other stuff shes on ...#and i worry so much about both of their mental and physical well being#always trying to be the one to calm them down or help with communication bc that is a big problem in this houesehold#but i myself am also a very much not normal and not medicated shut in who has trouble dealing even with my own feelings
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they put my tiny baby boy to sleep today. they took him away from me he was my whole wide world and more without him I'd have killed myself thrice over in the last 8 years he was my everything he was so good and loving and sometimes so endearingly stupid and headstrong and lazy he loved his little boxies and scratches behind his ears and he let me hold his paw but hated when I did it to his tiny feeties he is the very best boy there ever was and idk how to exist in a world without him in it he used to follow me from room to room like a dumb idiot tiny dog and even when I was so depressed I didn't think I'd get out of bed he was always there always making me feel not alone and now he's gone. those are the last pictures I took of my idiot baby boy in his boxy. I just wanted someone to know that I love him more than the whole wide world and I'll never not miss him and that i love him and love him and love and everywhere I look is a place he isn't anymore and it makes me wanna end it all. I love you so much forever
#we used to fight our way thru moby dick together and now he'll not be there to finish it with me#had to put the phone down three times cause i was hyperventilating so much lmaooooo the way ill just never recover from this lol#like that was my boy. MINE my baby#ive never been this sad in my life not even when my grandfather died is that horrible#thats my precious baby and he was so brave until the very end#it doesnt even seem real like thats my babey he cant be gone he can't be#my teeny tiny little baby boy#if i never log on again ill have killed myself over this#anyway no one even acknowledge this i dont wanna talk about it i just. i needed everyone to know that he is my whole world and that#i love him more than anything and that i miss him.and miss him.and miss him even tho hes only been gone two hours#bb baby#txt.me
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ranpoe but they both become flustered idiots when the other makes a move
#I’m drawing this totslly#Please trust#Ranpo flirts and poe dies inside#Poe flirts ( accidentally most of the time ) and ranpo dies inside#Someone draw this as well actually#ART LSL#I’m writing this to cope with the fact that my pookie Ranpo is apparently close to death guys wth where is he what is happening#If he is about to die I’m going to kill myself#MARK MY WORDS#I BETTER NYOT SEE THAT !!!!!!#Anyway I really want to draw ranpo#And Karl . Karl is the silliest fr fr#I don’t think I’ve been this obsessed with a character in a while#Character ai is going haywire#Someone help me before it’s too late please pelapslsll#I’ve sunken in too far HELP ME I CANT I HATE HIM !!!!! GET HIM OUT MY MIND !!!!!!#This is an illness why am I like this#Why do I always like the super silly characyers#2 types of mine apparently : Silly silly and silly why#I’m doing this to cope okay#Anyway they are so baby girl#Yosano is also babygirl fr fr meow I mean who said that#ranpo edogawa#bsd ranpo#bungou stray dogs ranpo#bsd poe#edgar allan poe bsd#edogawa ranpo#bsd ranpoe#bungou stray dogs
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🐰🕸🌙
#i have so many behaviours and fears and#no emotional regulation and issues and disorders and fearrrrr#and i do not know how to explain it so that ppl who dont relate can possibly understand it#but it is like i am trapped in a nightmare dimension where everything is always bad#my brain isnt even wired to see anything in a positive or hopeful light#which is how humans are wired typically to ensure survival lol#in swedish avpd is also called anxious personality disorder#which can clue in on the fact that if you know what a personality disorder is#(your brain hasnt developed normally but in a disordered way. often bc of trauma etc)#my brain is wired to be anxious abt wverything all the time#so i always naturally see everything in a negative and dark and bad and horrible light#which is fucking terrible. it makes life exhausting and like a constant fight#other ppl dont get that bc their brains arent wired to have this horrible outlook on EVERYTHING#so thid just gives me extreme trust issues and my brain always fights to make sense of things#bc it cannot do so in a rational manner#and basically i just feel so ashamed when i think of how like... overly emotional and fearful i am#as soon as anything happens im like wow this person literally wants to kill me bc humans are evil#which i know intellectually isnt tru bc if it was i'd be dead by now 💀#ig i just feel so lucky that one person still is my friend after almost 2yrs now#despite my whateverthefuck moments when idek what im saying..#'working thru my emotions' in a way that doesnt make sense#esp when hes seen some of what i've written and im like NOOO i was spiraling when i said that i dont mean that i think most likely i dont#anyway.. feeling grateful 🙏 i wish i was normal#or at least had th ability to have connections and relationships most ppl w mental illness are still capable of having#avpd is fucked upppp it is such a weird mental disability.... 0-o#bc of my fear i also struggle with relaxing into it bc im like no imma fuck it up soon or no hes gonna leave me soon bc i suck and dont#deserve having him in my life at all. i really wish my brain wasnt wired to be terrified like i hate my brain and myself like why cant#i just be normal!!!!!! ☹️ i am thankful for every moment still.
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plane scene is so funny cause why is mine a sleeper agent that wakes up whenever daigo is mentioned
can’t wait to see it in dragon engine :3
mine has been the winner for Funniest Character Imaginable for 15 consecutive years and i have yet to see anyone come close i fear
#snap chats#originally i wrote 'funniest character alive' and then remembered. HAH im so funny //throws up//#all my fave charas know how to do is get crazy on planes over men they love its disgusting#utterly hilarious cause after making the last post i went on twitter and they mentioned ANOTHER plane scene i throw up over#diff franchise so not important it is just SIMPLY funny how coincidences work and further confirming I Have A Type#BUT NO BACK TO MINE IT'S STILL SO FUCKIN FUNNY I HAVE TO REWATCH IT#i have to replay it .... all of y3 ...#if anyone remembers my friend from college and how we used to stream she asked me if we could stream#and i was like 'girl i havent streamed in Fuck Ever huh' and yk what maybe i'll stream y3 with her#at the very least ill stream y3 for myself ... legend mode .....#ive beaten y3 legend mode one (1) time and it was the worst experience of my life because if its not shadow the hedgehog#i am not good at the game i am playing !!!!!!!!!!! it'll be funny tho#i remember wanting to do a y3 drinking run but i told myself id stop drinking so i simply think. i will substitute drinking for hot sauce#its an idea im ironing out and i also have to like. properly set up a twitch- or maybe ill stream through youtube#ive always liked youtube streaming more ... at least as a viewer#these are all details for plans i will not be enacting literally any time soon can i stay on topic#the topic being i love mine. i love that plane scene forever the casual Whats Goin On Here :)#and he is the embodiment of :) in that scene casue :] is gen friendly but :) has an underlying aura of Im Going To Kill You#thats him in that scene. and i love him. for the third time. im ending this post now forever and always stan mine#if and whenever y3k comes out i cant wait to see !! but i personally believe that's well and away from us at this point#not impossible since they did mention it but yk. i dont think itll happen within the next year or two#maybe next five or ten realistically. if that jVLAEKJVLAEKJ ok bye fr now
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watched season 2 ep2-4 i need to talk abt it so spoilers in the tags of this post lol [and i will just keep adding stuff btw]
#total drama spoilers#total drama#WTQTETTEJFIENGQHSKFQGUS#saw a s2 bingo somehwere that said rajbow angst and i was like i would kill myself#so i am infact going to kill myself#PLS PLOSSSSSS PLSSSS#sigh okay#zee is my bbg my pookie OFC#RIPAXELLLL????? HELLOOOOOO????????????#for those that dont know my interest in td ships#basically if it is the worst m/f ship ever and sucks there is a 80% chance ill like it#ill have to see how its portrayed in the next eps but for now...#if ripaxel has 0 fans im dead#m/f ship that is worst guy ever and girl that wants him dead#like i cant resist sorry#MILLIE AND EMMA GONE ALSO kmssssssss#my babys my girls my bookies...#if axel isnt gonna b gay and millie is GONZO#MKULIA LESBIANS WILL BE REAL IN 3... 2...#emma gone means no zemma who up killing themselves rn#GDHGGTRRGRRR#NO EMMA MEANS NO EMMA BOWIE FRIENDSHIP AGAIN GOODNIGHT FOREVER#I HATE THIS SHOW#GOODBYE FOREVEER IM DYING IM DEAD RIGHT NOW
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The thing about bbc merlin is that the dynamic that's set up between merlin and arthur is so fucking good that I can't even. What can I possibly draw that's gonna encapsulate the feelings between them?
#its so fucking good. especially when u set it up like#arthur is so so afraid of losing this one person who is is true friend. i cant lose merlin i cant lose merlin#but im too much of a bro to tell him that but also i will give him hair ruffles and light bullying bc i want to touch him#he is my little dweeb who i love. and merlin is just. i mean. hes just merlin. would protect arthur no matter what#my man would and has killed so so many ppl for his king lmao#also arthur kneeling for merlin. just. ya kno. i think thats good. good good good.#ugh but i also want stained glass and weird fucked up religious themes.#ugh. and now im just spiralling bc i dont kno what to draw 1st. god!#im distracting myself from being upset abt another thing. ill think abt that thing later. draw now. while i have thr fucking time#merliiiin DX but also i have so much to color DDXXXX#merlin rambling#see. this is what i fucking do. i have to come up with thr fucking perfect idea. and then i just never do anything bc its not perfect#its dysfunctional. stop that
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#yeah ill maintag this#phighting#phighting!#guys i love medkit as a character but u gotta admit his kit is so ass to play with#me? i play dps med which is already a problem beclaws i dont do much healing but med has subpar dmg compared to vine#so im gonna die anyways. and ill be lucky if my team doesnt get all of my kills. so#anyways this is started bc of the news that medkit MIGHT be nerfed MORE??????#and seeing the server and seeing people ask for a buff and seeing 20 downvotes is like. Okay#AND BEFORE SOMEONE SAYS bbbut medkitlover plays him fine THE AVERAGE PERSON CANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#STFU!!!!!! HE NEEDS A FULL KIT REWORK ATP!!!! EVERY MEDKIT MAIN I TALK TO INCLUDING MYSELF WANTS TO KILL EVERYONE!!!#BC HIS KIT SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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i so sad
#thoughts#i think im having like a panic attack or something#like#something attack#i dont want to talk to anyone anymore i keep messing things up#i called a mentally ill person disgusting because i didnt see their other anon confessions in the server about their mental illnesd#they menyioned how they shower once a month#and i saw that i didnt see the other messages#i asked them how they didnt get uncomfortable “being that disgusting”#i meant it like. The feeling of#Not having taken a shower in a month. I didnt want to imply they were inherently disgudsting for their mental illness and everyone was like#wow rayman what the fuck is wrong with you why would you say that about someone. and they vented about me in the vent channel#it was a horrible thing for me to say and like yesterday i also fucked up i said mean shit to someone. I dont know whats wrong with me why i#cant stop doing bad things. i need to kill myself or something i need to lock myself away so other people dont get hurt by me#i was clawing at my head crying hitting myself with my knuckles because i just fucking loathed myself i pretend im so happy and like yeah im#happy but like really i fucking hate myself so so much more than anything in the world the only reason im not dead is because i love this#world enough to stay on it. i hate myself so much. i get so so sad when i look in the mirror because im not who i am im no one im always#trying to be a person or something when im nothing im so worthless coping off the “smart” compliments i got in 2nd grade when in reality im#just some stupid fucking rancid asshole with rage anxiety lonlieness stewing in my soul for 5 years i cant be normal around anyone im not#supposed to be friends with anyone i shouldnt have a partner he needs to kill me i need him to beat me over the head with a shovel and keep#beating me and stabbbing me with it until im alll brutally mauled unrecognizable and he should call me worthless the whole time and i#deserve it
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strma (and some random) 🖇️'s from the elden ring bingo stream
#gah even at times like this he cant not bring up lud#i love them so much no one understands#j supporting str's horseback riding hobby comparing him to a knight… jesus#only to find out (INCORRECT BUZZER)#he knows him so well#j as always avoiding playing into str’s habits#and instead getting tomato red and laughing#the (love you) bit. ill kill u. ill kill both of u.#(been waiting for that shit my whole life) AND THEN HE BREAKS DOWN.#alright i need to go hang myself now#j#str#strma#WATCH NOW!#clps
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thinking about "mitch will assault me if i don't pick him" again.... i circle back to it all the time but it's like..... auston KNOWS how he feels about being left out and will always tease him for it but ALSO wouldn't dream of not including him anyway ...as if it were a given that mitch will always be his pick.......... his face when he says it too. i will never get over how relaxed he seems and i will NEVER stop wanting the mitch and auston leaf to leaf we are OWED. it is so long overdue, how do the leafs not understand this
#WE ARE BEING EDGED BUT IM FED UP#U KNOW WHAT THEY ARE#PUT THEM ON CAMERA TOGETHER WHERE THEY HAVE TO GIGGLE TO EACH OTHERS FACE 🔫🔪#man oh man that ten seconds of that leaf to leaf altered my fucking life#and put into perspective austons top priorities i think !#this also ties into my theory abt why mitch is the only one tagged in austons second pinned ig post#that mitch hates to be left out n will complain til hes blue in the face#and for as much as auston n mitch love to harass each other .... love is at the core of their relationship#n theyre alwYs gonna pick and choose each other tbh. and to reassure each other#like gonna pick bunts bc hes my bud.....#gonna begrudgingly choose my cosmic hockey soulmate who would kill me if i didnt but also .#id never dream of having an answer besides him either so ha ha ! SO FUN !#sorry im a fucking mess#find myself revisiting that quote so fuckinf much i just think for as little actual personality or info as we get from them sometimes#THST WAS LIKE MAJOR RELAXED AUSTON VIBESSSSSSS as he deserves#cant wait for more content ill die for them#to see auston in the wild... reacting to things genuinely n happily ... revealing information n feelings.. is to see god
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i WAS gonna complain about horror being a skeleton and therefore never able to do the akanbe face but then i remembered. i'm an artist!! i can just DRAW him doing it 😇😇😇 ok but he doesn't have eyelids iKNOW ill figure it out ok
#im going on a short vacation that means prime time to slack off and mtthink#and i have some drawing ideas froM LIKE TWO WEEKS AGO that i never drew because i had no motivation or even time#so now i can do it :3333 lets (me) see if i still even like the ideas#and i have Saturday and sunday and mondayOFFschool and then i leave on wednesday morning ヽ(≧∀≦)ノ#and that gives me prime time to draw draw DRAW#and theres like 20 days left of October i really should get to work on that animation meme#i WILL trust i swear#if not i kill myself#jk! (fashion au?)#ive been using kaomojis now. jk killer would too#ヽ(≧∀≦)ノ#me taking like a whole week on a shitty hrkl little writing thing when it was leagues easier to just describe my idea#i REALLY had a vision and then i was reminded that writing is boring and that a vision expressed through words cant keep my attention#anyways i finished another little dust doodle of a song that reminded me of him#now it is time to actually get my life together and shower and brush teeth#the only homework ive got is reading a few pages#i have been ON TOP OF MY HOMEWORK since school started bro😭😭😭😭 ive been SUCH a good student 😭😭😭😭#so much free time at home and yet none of it is spent on doing anything but laying down and lazing about#come on! come on! you need to get up! use your brain! PLEASE TRIGLYVERUVLE PLEASE FOR YOUR OWN ENTERTSINMENT#forcing myself to do something i find fun when i have no motivation to get up is so annoying#iWANT to draw iWANT to think i WANT to write (eh) but i just nonono feel like it (༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ)#tricule rant#actually today i found another song that could fit horror but i just glanced at the lyrics#if i aint mtt pondering at the very least ill be connecting them to songs#new art project is gonna have HINTS of mtt in it. not really but if im aware of them then they exist#i love art class i love learning about art principles i just wish i could apply that shit to my work#well DIGITAL work. doing stuff traditionally always feels so much easier
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dear fucking god charlie slimecicle's character formula has ruined me once again. it's 4:15 am as im writing this and my body is litterally vibrating I can't stop thinking about peter fucking sqloint he's so me coded fr fr <3 <3
#i make yet anothet post just for me 👍#jrwi#i promised i would start taking care of myself better and fixing my sleep schedule#AND THEN I JUST HAAAADDDDDD TO WATCH THE ANGLESTONE SUPERCUT#FUCK ME AND THIS GAY EARTH#i need to draw the urge is so strong#but i dont want to draw him digitally i want to draw him traditionally#but i dont have any of my sketchbooks:(#also i cant even DO anything about it because i dont have patreon :((((((#i watched the supercut then i binged art here then fics as many of them as i could read at once#and now i still cant sleep so my ass is probably about to be even MORE mentally ill about albatrio!!!#(because this dumbass is on episode 56 of riptide and the domestic vibes for this episode are killing me)#anyway point is charlie slimecicle make a character that isnt autistic and laced with cocaine for autistic people challenge (impossible)
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