#i promised i would start taking care of myself better and fixing my sleep schedule

[codecicle]

dear fucking god charlie slimecicle's character formula has ruined me once again. it's 4:15 am as im writing this and my body is litterally vibrating I can't stop thinking about peter fucking sqloint he's so me coded fr fr <3 <3

[angie-long-legs]

Tw mental health and sexual stuff and sappy shit

This is a weird confession to make, but I really want to talk about it with somebody, and I feel like you are the least likely person to judge me in all of hell, heaven and earth, so hear it goes.

A couple of months ago, I was at a really low point in my life. It started years ago, it ended around February. I was really, really depressed. I was not taking care of myself, I was not eating well, I was neglecting hygiene. I had reached the point where I wouldn't get out of bed not even to bathe and my skin had started to rot. I was just on my phone all day to distract myself or crying.

And at some point, I got lucky, and I woke up one day, and it was one of the good days. I wasn't okay, but I didn't feel like I wanted to die, so I managed to talk myself into dragging my ass to the shower. And I don't know why I did that, I don't know what urged me to do that at that time, but I started touching myself sensually.

I have never done that before, because I had grown up in a Mormon household, that taught me sex is only for reproduction, it's only between a man and a woman, and I should only let my husband touch me after I get married. So it was my first time ever m@sturbating. And it was nice.

I finished my shower and I felt okayish. I didn't feel exhausted as if I had just finished a chore, which is how I felt in the past after doing literally anything. And a couple of days later, I hopped in the shower again, because I wanted to do it again. And I did. And it was nice.

And I started holding this sensual satisfaction as a bargaining chip over my head, in order to convince myself to go take a shower. And I started feeling lighter and more proper because I was sort of taking care of myself. And that encouraged me to do other self-care practices. Started brushing my teeth again, fixed my sleep schedule, I started eating better. I started getting better in general.

And now I'm a lot better. I have some bad days, but for the most part I can be a functioning member of society. But I feel terribly guilty every time I think about how I'm doing better, because I feel like I cheated. I feel like I somehow found an easy way out of depression. And it feels unfair that I just discovered something and I was all good when there's people killing themselves left and right everyday.

I even left the Mormon church after realizing that tons of the stuff I had been taught there were contributing negatively to my mental health, and I feel guilty for that too sometimes.

That's all. I guess I just wanted to rant about this to someone, and I felt most comfortable talking about it with you. Thanks for listening.

It appeared Angel had been promoted to bartender for the evening - at least, that was the role he felt as though he was undertaking as the stranger shared such an intimate story of theirs. Hearing about other's sexual affairs was nothing new to him, but being confessed to about something so... inconsequential? So every-day, and yet clearly so meaningful to them? It took him back almost a century to his own religious upbringing and the impact it had: the profound shame, the deep-seated self-hatred that festered within him.

"Y'know," he started, tone softer than was typical for him, "It ain't cheatin' ta find somethin' that makes ya wanna get outta bed in the mornin'. An' even if it was, so fuckin' what?! Everyone's lookin' fa some kinda cheat code ta make life less fuckin' miserable, an' you found yours. Use it."

Some people think they've found their cheat code - Angel included. Addiction often disguised itself as such, promising a lighter existence, distraction, euphoria. But the finer points of this stranger's tool for coping were lost when it came to Angel's pick of poison. Drugs fostered no motivation for self care, no happiness that came without the devastating crash of the comedown, the desperation for another fix that nothing else would satisfy.

For this stranger to have found something that made them feel good while simultaneously improving their wellbeing? Angel only hoped he would someday find such a thing.

"Besides, sex is fun!" he shrugged, offering the stranger a playful wink. "Even if yer just playin' around by yaself, sometimes that's even betta' than with someone else. Who else knows ya like you do? Why shouldn't ya make yaself feel good? 'Specially if it's helpin' ya look afta' yaself. Doctors should fuckin' prescribe that shit, baby. Jerkin' off is a helluva drug!"

A weighted silence fell over the pair as Angel's own past wandered into his consciousness. "But, uh... I hear ya," he nodded solemnly. "Where yer comin' from, I mean. It's rough when ya grew up bein' told that sex is somethin' ta be ashamed of. But the best thing I eva' did was learn that it ain't. You ain't doin' anythin' wrong, and if someone's got a problem with what yer doin', that's on them. It ain't their fuckin' business what ya get up to behind closed doors. If it helps ya, makes ya feel good, and don't hurt nobody, why the fuck shouldn't ya do it? Ya deserve ta take care a yaself - in every sense a' the term!"

[angelayag]

3 a.m. Doomscrolling

It was 3 a.m. in the morning, and she was in a dark, cold place with only her phone lighting the room. She was lying comfortably in her bed, snuggling with her body pillow, and feeling the warmth of her soft blanket wrapped around her. Before this, she made a promise to herself that she would fix her sleeping schedule as her online class starts at 7 a.m. and she didn’t want to feel droopy for the entirety of her class, but here we are again repeating the same cycle that she always does, scrolling through social media without noticing or even caring how much time has passed. It seems like the internet has consumed her life, from sunrise to sunset. She couldn’t even eat without some sort of entertainment video to watch; now, it even devours her time of rest.

Despite her being on her phone the entire day, you would think that she would eventually get bored and tired of web surfing, but no, it seems like her scrolling through the internet never stops. She had fallen into the rabbit hole of doomscrolling, and that "she" was me. 

Yeah, I know that I have a serious problem, as is evident from how I relate to the meme that I am looking at right now, which is a clown looking at the mirror and telling themselves that they are "definitely" going to fix their sleeping schedule. I just had to share this post with the caption "literally me rn" because the timing of this meme is just impeccable. Now, on to scrolling through Facebook once again. 

Facebook is a platform with multigenerational users, as people from all walks of life have gathered in this app. We have boomer folks who post inspirational quotes about not judging a book by its cover, along with a sketchy article of a supposed rumor about a celeb. We have younger pals who questionably may have violated Facebook’s terms of service due to the age limit, but here they are posting about their love life struggles at a very young age but also gullible enough to believe that Slender Man actually exists. We sure have wildcard characters that we can encounter on this app. 

As I scroll through Facebook, I see memes, photos of my FB friends, with whom I haven't even shared a word or two in real life, and fake news articles about politicians. I’m not even going to look at the comments, as it will surpass my low expectations about their comprehension. Through these seas of posts, something caught my eye, and that was Donalyn Bartolme’s birthday party with a "kalye" theme.

A rich person cosplaying as poor as a theme for a birthday party is definitely a controversial move and a guarantee of cancellation, at least to some. She claimed that she only did that to commemorate her past struggles before fame. Scrolling through comments, it seems like I share the same sentiment as people outside of Donalyn’s fanbase. Her action was incredibly tone deaf, as the hardships of poor people aren’t just decorations that only stay on certain occasions; they have to live with that struggle every single day. I presume, one of the side effects of being an influencer is losing a grasp of reality. 

This made me lose hope for humanity. Nevermind, I just saw a post about the COVID-19 case numbers going up. I mean, this isn’t necessarily new, as everyday COVID patients keep multiplying, but this made my frustration about the birthday thing insignificant. Weirdly enough, this realization did stop me from scrolling through Facebook. However, determined to make myself feel better, a quick scroll through Tiktok might do the trick. 

Tiktok is a haven for short-form video content. But even if the videos there take seconds to watch, it sure takes hours of your time as it easily spews out personal feeds for you to keep entertained. You can encounter various creators there from every genre or hobby imaginable as it tries to appeal to audiences with certain niches.

As I’m scrolling through Tiktok, I come across videos of comedy skits, fun facts, thirst traps, fan edits of my favorite fictional characters, interesting talents such as puppeteers and magicians, and tarot card reading, which I’m not a believer in yet still find intriguing. It seems like all is well; I am here having a good time until I came across this video of a guy, mad that the upcoming game Grand Theft Auto VI is becoming "woke" by adding a female character as a protagonist of their game.

Imagine boycotting a game just because it didn’t align with your wrapped-up view of society. The comments only ignite the fire even more as they make sexist comments, changing the way they look at the game franchise when the game is literally just about recklessly committing crimes.

But it only got worse from there, as my feed recommended a clip from one of those "alpha" male podcasts and introduced me to Andrew Tate. The clip in question is him talking about how men are allowed to cheat but women aren’t. I went to his profile, perplexed by his comment, only to find video after video of his misogyny, such as saying that the value of women decreases the more men she sleeps with or that women's only purpose is to serve men. His words were regarded as scripture in his fanbase, which is alarming considering that most of his fans are just teenage boys. Even with this, I was still invested in him, even as far as knowing information that wasn’t necessary to know, like how he used to be a professional kickboxer or that he was arrested for human trafficking.

Baffled by the negativity I’ve inflicted upon myself, why not add more fuel to the fire by visiting twitter next. 

Twitter is essentially microblogging, where you're free to post what’s on your mind, opinions you want to share, or just what is currently happening in your life with a 280-character limit. Your text, known as a "tweet," is broadcast across the platform and can be found by the masses, who can add their own comment about the thing you just tweeted in the form of quote tweeting or by simply replying under the post.

Twitter is a platform for free speech. As I scroll through it, various tweets pop up, some of which are from my friends but primarily from online strangers. What do we have here? Funny jokes, rants, social happenings, and of course horrible takes. 

I have yet again found myself spiraling over a post. It started with one user's post on how they have finally gotten better in terms of their mental health. This was quote tweeted by another user, who stated that their post was offensive due to the “poor” timing of the tweet since the war between Russia and Ukraine was happening simultaneously. This created a public discourse whether the initial tweet was distasteful or not.  

Reading the comments on these posts has exposed me to one dubious take after another. Some replies might have been satirical, but since when did having stable mental health make you lose empathy? Stable mental health simply means that you can handle your well-being better, but it doesn't prevent you from showing concern for others. Thankfully, most people share the same sentiment as me. I'm not sure why this argument was brought up in the first place. And why do I still keep engaging with it despite its obviously dumb take?

At this moment, you may begin to notice a pattern of deliberately consuming negative posts and aimlessly migrating from one social media platform to another. It all starts when the mind goes into autopilot mode, making you scroll out of habit, triggered by negativity bias, making you notice a baffling post more than a positive one, diving deeper into the said post, facing the possibility of disregarding or ignoring relevant information that does not back up how you feel, feeling frustrated afterwards, going through another social media app in the hopes of lifting your mood up, thus starting the vicious cycle once again.

This phenomenon, referred to as "doomsurfing," but more commonly known as "doomscrolling," has arisen during the pandemic as more and more people have been experiencing the compulsive urge to endlessly scroll through their social media feeds and heavily focus on the upsetting or generally negative information. This can be caused by FOMO (fear of missing out), negativity bias, uncertainty, and a lack of self-control.

“Doomscrolling occurs when you realize you’ve landed on a story and have no idea how you got there. You can’t remember why you even got on your phone in the first place, but now you’re reading hundreds of comments or retweets of someone you don’t even follow,” is how Tess Brigman, a psychotherapist and coach, describe this phenomenon, which perfectly encapsulates the authentic experience and meaning of doomscrolling.

Due to the discrepancy that doomscrolling brings, it can definitely have its effects, such as apprehension, fear, and distress, which lead to burnout and damage the general mood and well-being of a person. Taking it to the extreme takes a toll on mental health, which triggers anxiety and depression, which in turn affects sleep, appetite, and motivation and disrupts work, time with family and friends, and lastly, passion.

Holding social media companies responsible is a way of calling out action to doomscrolling, one article suggests, as their business model is an algorithm designed to catch the attention of users, thus increasing engagement. This means that the more you click on dumb or concerning posts, the more likely it is that you’ll receive the same kind of content the next time you visit the app. Legal monitoring and regulation of social media businesses may improve platform accountability, boost the transparency of their algorithmic processes, and enable users to reject personalization and profiling.

With all this, the most effective way to cut back on doomscrolling is to improve oneself. You can start by setting a time limit for yourself to monitor and minimize the hours of your screen time. You can do this by setting it up yourself, or for those with a lack of self-control, download apps that do similar functions. Unfollowing accounts that cause stress will help you declutter your feed from negativity. Setting the phone to send fewer notifications might also lessen the constant need to check our phones. If online, actively seek positive stories to balance out the negative ones. Ultimately, the most effective way to stray away from doomscrolling is to have leisure activities outside of social media, such as exercising, hanging out with friends and family, and doing what you're passionate about. Feeling overwhelmed by everything on the internet? Remember to refocus on the present moment.

Speaking of the present moment, my alarm just went off for 6 a.m. in the morning, one hour before my class. I didn’t sleep a wink last night; I have fallen down the rabbit hole of doomscrolling once again. Give it up to the author who can’t apply what she writes! She was blinded by the ray of sunlight as she opened the curtains, but she couldn't be blinded by the phone screen brightness that was on her face the entire time. This is the reality we both share, you and I. We’ve scrolled the internet up to the brink of oblivion; are you going to let it doom us all?

[adam-brooks]

‘And if it was an issue why didn’t you tell me when you got mad about everything else why’d you go on pretending like it was fine..why’d you act like you cared.’

I held the Danny incident separate from everything else. I had to because I know why you were doing it. And while it was maybe the stupidest thing you've ever tried to pull, I knew you were desperate to connect again. I didn't bring it up because you would have argued to the death about its validity precisely because of the nature of its seriousness to me. There was no point in calling you out when it would have just been a fight, been you hanging on to the lie. And our friendship being ruined. So yes. I controlled that narrative quickly, I helped you see that it would be a horrible idea for you to continue it and I released you from it by ‘releasing’ him. Giving you an excuse to never have to do it again. I played along and directed the ending of it to make sure you saw it was a bad idea. Which you did. When you said you couldn't be the one to do it, that's exactly the reaction I worked to get. And when I told him to go rest and leave you alone, that was releasing you from the lie entirely. Do you really think if I had a direct line to Danny that I would give that up for anything? I would sell my soul for that. But it has to be real. No amount of desire will make it truth if it's not. 

There's So much to say in defense of the slew of bullshit you unleashed yesterday. But there's no point in fighting. I lost my fight a while ago. I honestly thought that if I was complacent enough, everything would stop. The constant criticism against everything I do. The frustration I would spit at you when it got to be too much and that rebellious part of me that would need to feel understood, i was hoping it would go away. There was a time I was desperate to understand you. And I wanted you to understand me. But I haven't felt that need for a long time. I was hoping that with my new therapy schedule and new focus Dr. G and I were taking, that I would be able to gain new perspectives that would help us. The Danny thing really just killed anything I had left. I sat with it, to make sure. I didn't make a rash decision right then. I needed to make sure it was unforgivable. So when you started in on me, once again, for something completely…innocent. For something as simple as trying to build you up when you felt terrible, the realization hit me that I didn't care if you left and never talked to me again. I also realized it would mean going back on my word. So I needed to make sure this was the moment. I told myself ‘If she makes an effort to understand that I wasn't being mean to her or belittling Her, maybe I could hang on to my promise longer.’ 

Then you said ‘It was important to me and I had to wait’. Like I hadn't been waiting for months for things to get better and change. Whenever I realized something about myself, I would tell you. Whenever I had a plan to be better, I would tell you. I committed to focused therapy for the things you didn't like about me when I realized the source of why I was doing things you didn't like. But you had to wait a day. Because I had to sleep. Like sleep was…some slight against you. 

I broke my word. Yes. And maybe I'll never be able to reconcile that with the gods because they loathe an oathbreaker above all else. But you broke yours too. You broke many before I broke mine. So at least we are damned together. We are both cowards. We are both monsters. At least I can look at myself in the mirror and admit it. 

I don't think your faults make you bad. I think you have a great capacity for greatness, even now. But you need to stop excusing bad behavior with your list of disorders. I was always expected by you to rise above my disorders. Go to therapy for them. Fix them. Be better. I was expected to accept yours. Understand them. Work around them. Mold myself around them so you could be unaccountable. If you go into every relationship like that, you won't get much farther than with me. We will both be alone in the end. I just implore you to reflect on that. Because you have worlds to offer someone. I experienced it once. And I'm not being kind here, I'm being honest. 

I don't hate you. I know you hate me. And I knew that would be the outcome of saving myself. And if it helps, I'm happy to be that for you. A thing to direct it all to. But I am not your enemy. I'm not talking to anyone about you. About this. It's nobody's business. You're just a girl who is going to disappear. And that's my own thing to reflect on.