#ill find you all out some day
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just for the record
i know who like 3 emoji people are and i spend every day on here trying to connect the clues to who all the others are
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House M.D. but it's when a character says the name of the episode
#house md#prince's talk tag#flashing#repitition#so as i was watching this show i noticed they'd say the episode title in the episode#so i wanted to see how many times they did it#the people on livejournal who made transcripts of the episodes are my saviors and without them this would of been so much harder to do#thank you all for your service and i hope wherever you all are you're having a great day#sometimes they would use a variation of the word like in the episode poison they would say 'poisoned' or 'poisoning'#i did not include those instances#there was an instance in 'merry little christmas' where they do play the song in the show#but since ella fitzgerald was not a character in the show i did not include it#where as in the episode 'joy to the world' the students are singing it in the concert so i did include that#i apologize for the tonal whiplash when you get to that part but it did make me laugh#one of the times kutner says 'locked in' is overshadowed by the POTW's voice over but i assure you he says it and thats why its in there#out of the main characters from the one who said the title the most to least are#House > Foreman > Wilson > Chase > Cuddy > Adams > Cameron and Taub > Kutner > Thirteen and Park#this took a bit to do lolol its probably been done already but i wanted my own#there is a chance im missing some on technicalities but idc. im fine with this#there are two more i wanna do but with a character saying another character's name but ill do that some other time#EDIT: When I was making this video I was unaware that the Pilot episode went by two names: 'Pilot' and 'Everybody Lies'#Basically everywhere I looked the first episode was only referred to by 'Pilot'#which I found weird bc i remember seeing somewhere that the last episode was paired with the first episode in terms of title#but i couldn't find hard proof so I decided to leave it out at the time#well i checked again last night and yea the pilot IS also called Everybody Lies so I updated the video#I also think it goes well with the fact that House does say 'Everybody Dies' in the finale so another reason to fix it#AND he says it without Wilson while he and Wilson say the title of the pilot sooooo yea hehehehehe
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This day still terrifies me. To my core. With the strange weather that happened before, I expected something to occur. I could have never predicted the magnitude of that event. I assume you're here to wake me up then? You want us to face that evil again? I'm��� We're afraid... Of everything. Of everyone. I don't know what I'm supposed to do! WE DON'T WANT TO GO BACK!
#pokemon rejuvenation#aevia#nightmare realm#god i love this scene#it isn't easy to make a teenager with pink hair and overalls look menacing but i did my darndest#ive been art style shopping#trying to find out what resonates#this one is emulated from hiro mashima#i've always liked the way he draws faces#maybe someday ill just be able to sit down and shut my eyes and draw what comes naturally#until then i will drown myself in reference photos#recently i finished another playthrough#i sat down and compiled my notes and i have a lot of different theories but not a lot of concrete revelations#mostly freaking out about the ss oceana. i might scream some of my thoughts into the void soon. ish. maybe. perhaps.#if u read all my notes ily and i hope you have an amazing day <3
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OC
#my characters#mmofail#HIS name is Beta Burst but he is played by a woman named Haley#and shes chill correcting people that hes a she irl but also just doesnt mind which pronouns people use online#irl though shes a she/her through and through#also she tells one of her employees at work (shes a manager at a convenience store) to get a hobby or find a fun online game#cause he always looks super tired and he tells her he doesnt wanna socialize out of work in person people are tiring#and then hes like hmmmm a hobby or game hmmm#and then he gets the same game and goes on the same server and lets his sister design his character#while he naps then he just picks a name and chooses ETA 1400 bc he works overnight and if he logs in#he plans to log in at like 2pm so why not make that his name#however there is a guild owner who wants to collect all the greek letters (her own name in game is Omega Rising)#so she makes the executive decision to include eta 1400 and when he and beta are talking one day in game#hes like oh yeah im just playing cause my boss at work told me i needed a hobby#and beta is like oh shit thats me im the boss who told him he needs a hobby#so eta starts calling beta boss in game just like he calls her irl#and its just a nice lil friendship and shes happy when eta starts to make friends in the guild#he still has a lost lil puppy like following vibe when hes around boss but eta does do some growing socially#mostly with betas friends in the guild which are: a guy with no backbone and a guy playing a girl who doesnt tell anyone shes a he#anyway thank you thats my oc essay tags and i love beta and shes just really funny to me#bc she just is there to vibe and play pvp#which the horn lore is those are high ranking pvp rewards for heavy blade users#and when eta finds out the pvp reward for a healer is a bloodied crown#hes like please please please help me learn pvp that sounds really cool ill do my best boss
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horror is so BLESSED he's the only one out of the murder time trio that has actual good people trying to influence his story 💔💔 dust and killer were both driven to INSANITY because of the choices of their respective humans but horror??? every time without FAIL the polls for horrortale's plotline have always ended in a good place for aliza (either by bettering her relationships/reputation or for her to just. not DIE)
horrortale's potential alternate timelines my beLOVEd🙏🙏 they're SO lucky that we're being kind and benevolent hehe (≧ω≦) now where are the aus based off the possible different outcomes that could've happened in horrortale HUH???? (like how aliza couldve killed toriel or chosen horror's puzzle or gone with undyne to the core........)
#something something all three of them have their fates determined by an outside force#ermmmm but horror doesn't- yeah he does. what aliza does decides EVERYTHING for horror and horrortale#just because its not direct like dust or killer doesn't mean theyre all subject to the same community x3#PARALLELS MTT PARALLELS FOR THE 500TH TIME THEY HAVE SOOOO MANY PARALLELS OHHH MY GOOOOOODDDDDD#mtt going to visit horrortale would just be dust eying aliza (out of paranoia. he knows shes a good kid)#and then killer knowing in his head that the poor kid aliza that horror weirdly seems to like doesn't have control over her actions#she doesn't know horror doesn't know nobody knows except killer. is that a bit sad?#theyre all living in the dark unaware of the reality of their world. i mean thats how its meant to be after all thats what the players want#but....... it would be tempting to tell horror...... hehehehehe- and then he's interrupted by horror and dust#(theyre trying to get killer to eat papyrus's spaghetti in their place. he's the only one that can stomach it even though there's no human)#mtt i love thee SOOOOO much. theyre back in horrortale for the holidays ✨✨ coming back to visit the family ✨✨ WHAT horror's visiting.......#not dust or killer of course. this isnt their world noooope thats not papyrus. but that doesn't stop dust from having everyone like him#its just like the good old days :333 except now there's three sanses and triple the insanity :333 almost like nothing's changed!!!!!#oh killer??? yeah he's there. probably won't try taking up the sansish type of role horror and dust do but he'll find a way to get used 2 i#after all the point of this is whatever he wants it to be now ;33333 were these tags all just a reference to my mtt fic. yes. yes they were#LMAOOOO i forgot that aliza didn't fall into horrortale yet in my fic. still a fun thing to imagine tho!!!#i think it would be fun having aliza be the first of humans for horrortale to deal with that they won't instantly kill#itll be hard but really rewarding for all of them........ especially horror i believe!!! man he didnt even go through therapy but#just being away from horrortale and out doing new and FUN and NOT MURDEROUS things has done wonders for him :3#i need to get to writing smh..... winter break is the day after tomorrow (TECHNICALLY AT 2:32 PM SINCE THSYS WHEN SCHOOL ENDS SO HAHAHA)#so ill probably work on it more over break since i'll have nothing to do hehe.......#today was an amazing day for me ✨ TWO mtt angst death related hcs..... some work on my latest chapter i've yet to post..... SWAPINVERSE FAN#ARE YOU KIDDING ME MORR SWAPINVERSE ART THIS IS SOOOO AMAZING THABK YOU UNTITLED29876011111 I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY YOU DO THIS!!!!!#tricule rant#killer sans#dust sans#horror sans#murder time trio#utmv#sans au
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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry
( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)
(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)
#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him#I always knew he was a parental figure for me#but now I connected the dots#How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life#that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so#and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life#ofc ud become attached#i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him#he occupies most of my thoughts honestly#But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life#i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an#bloom and be free#and that's what ill try to do#but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness#its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired#somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea#how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi#g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if#lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways#sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay#yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le#go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk#how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate#my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t#me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol#so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest#y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t#ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti#ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd
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hellooo, I hope you're feeling well! I was wondering however if ouroboros was still being worked on or if it's on hiatus. Hope I wasn't rude in asking
I don't feel it's rude, after all, I have been keeping the development close to my chest. It is still being worked on, edited and transferred into renpy with graphics and soundbytes galore! However, right now, since about three weeks back, I left my partner of 8 years in the middle of the night with just a change of clothes, my dog, and a laptop. I'm struggling hard but putting on a brave face-- right now I'm coming up with a concept of something else to work on until I get a proper apartment and can get my stationary PC back so I can get back to work on ouro. I'll make a proper post about it tomorrow, so keep an eye on this space!
#ouroboros-if#interactive fiction#in all honesty i forgor the password to the louroth tumblr so ill just stick to my personal for now 💀#everything is up in the air. i cry all the time. and when im not crying im writing. LMAO#it'll all work out though it will just take some time to get back on my feet#the ouro book 1 is like 65% done and a demo is even closer. i just haven't found a reasonable stopping point+ some of the most intense edits#and rewrites are in the first chapters and I've been wanting to finish the latter parts first so i don't have to run myself in circles tryin#to line everything up properly. yk?#im so grateful for my patreons for being willing to support me because money is such an issue rn. if I can't make it monetarily on writing i#will have to put it all on complete hiatus and go back to work full time#which I dread bc doggy daycare is so damn expensive. alas! only time will tell what happens next. tomorrow is a big day when i find out#what exactly i will have to do.#thanks for the ask nony<3 i have several other asks i will try to get to during the week!!#please block the 'ouroboros-if' tag if you don't wish to see them dear mutuals<3
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Lotty! <3
I have such a crush on her oh my god
#sorry boys she's not for you#MORE DOODLES UNDER THE CUT!!#HAPPY LATE WOMEN'S DAY#bcuz i missed it shoutout to my fem and girl homies ily u all <3#as soon as i find links to resources ill repost em#my heart goes out to all the women children afab people reporters doctors etc#and everyone say BOOO BECAUSE THE MISOGYNY IN THIS FANDOM IS SO DUMB!!!#BOOOO MISOGYNY!!#because its everywhere!! not just bayverse fans!! the comics arent safe either#do yourself a favour 2nite and spend some time appreciating some female transformers!!#itsnotcurious on twt and tiktok is a great place to start!!#and on a different note#my heart goes out to all the women children afab reporters doctors mothers in Palestine#and all the people who have family and friends or ties to Palestine itself#ill add links and resources to my blog as soon as a find them#make sure to support other artists who are donating to Palestine!! there are some where all proceeds are donated#ok tag time#transformers#mtmte#more than meets the eye#lost light#velocity mtmte#mtmte velocity#Rodimus Prime#Rodimus#megatron#maccadam#maccadams#ohmellow#transformers idw
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"Penelope has insecurities!" As an excuse for her harming others because of those said insecurities falls very flat when it puts the character's, who live during a time of few options especially if you were a women, at risk. And even with her insecurities, her lashing out and hurting people should be held in the same regard as how some view Cressida, who didn't get the luxury of a view into her home life until s3, unlike Penelope, and while it still has people calling out this behavior, although rightfully so, it often still includes denying that Penelope needs to take accountability as well.
#some on twitter said how in fandom yt characters will get a pass for hurting other characters just bc of their insecurities#which is very true when you look at how some to this day still talk about marina with a lot of misogynoir rhetoric just to defend pen#like how can you say “support morally grey or complex female characters” but then shit on marina left & right while erasing/woobifying pen'#own complexities? it doesn't make sense#i would find pen much more enjoyable if her complexities were acknowledged and the harm she did was called out & corrected#but i can't even enjoy spaces like that without some of her fans jumping into the frey and painting it as a crime against them#if you reflect that heavily on a character that's fine but don't get mad when other people don't see it the same way as you#especially poc who have to see pen not only call a kate (and simon) “beast” or constantly make petty brutal remarks about queen charlotte#for no reason as well as use abliest remarks to refer to the king george who suffers a debilitating mental illness#there was no reason for her to do all of that besides being deeply insecure that it makes her harm others who don't even know her#calling that out isn't a bad thing 😭#and yeah while i like/enjoy cressida i can call her out for her behavior toward pen & others even tho i understand it#i could even do the same for pen but see my prior points#the “let female characters be complex” crowd are (not always but sometimes) the first to remove these complexities and it's frustrating!#anti penelope featherington#bridgerton#pen stans don't interact bc this clearly says anti#made this post after people on twitter got on my nerves & created sob stories that ain't never happened just to make whitewash pen
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today marks another birthday for this sweet, wonderful, kind, and amazing creature that goes by the name Żmija. nearly popping out in the fall, but with her heart as hot and impatient as the sun of july morning, she rushed for the last days of summer where she truly belongs - so of course, a summertime portrait it is :-)
wishing you the happiest and most love-filled of celebrations, @slavicafire -from yours truly and yours forever :-)
#scheduled as usual since im not here. hence the hour of posting - sorry; i know you dont like when i do that!#but i hope it will find you still.#sorry i couldnt do justice to your tattoos - god they look wonky but i SUCK at those so bad everytime!!!!#anyway. hope u have a wonderful monday and that bday package got to you all safe and on time! kocham cie bardzo bardzo mocno!#rysunki#also now that i look at it while scheduling. god did i draw you too pale. or is it just my laptops screen settings. god i hope its my lapto#oh good god and tumblr says its scheduled for 17th even tho i keep changing it to 18th. oh god#please forgive me if for some reason it will be posted a day early.... on app it says 18th but here...#oh god i changed the timezone on my blog to warsaw and everything why does it still say 17th!!!!!!!!!!!!!#ill try to fix that later im so sorry if it doesnt work out
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one panic attack and breathing excercise later,,,,,,,,, i think i need to write some of my thoughts down before moving on
first of all, as i said in the notes earlier i honestly should've expected something like this to happen. even if the king sounded pathetic each time we fought him, i should've kept in mind how powerful he is and that he still froze a bunch of people in time and was going to do that with the whole country, no matter the reason. but the most important thing to recognize is probably the fact that perceived emotional weakness didn't mean that it would be possible to convince him, didn't mean that he wasn't cruel. it's not like anything could've been changed with my knowledge, i just feel silly for walking right into that with no suspicions. well, lesson learned, can't stop the king with words
second of all - the king was talking about something called wish craft, saying how he smells the sweet scent right before that, and claiming that sif's using this craft right after. i guess this is what it's actually about, huh? not time craft, but wish craft? while i still know nothing about it the only assumption i can make is the symbolic one - you know, wishing upon a star? jhhgfk
but could sif really wish for something that would cause the loop, or is it someone else's wishing's fault, or both? even if sif could, i doubt they'd be able to remember. i mean, they congratulated themselves on reaching the 20th loop at the 24th, and i don't even know if it's a bug or a feature💀
third of all - no matter how much i pretend like i'm unfazed i think i still need to address that. HOLY SHIT was i terrified for a second there. especially for those few seconds when i thought i actually WILL have to watch everyone get violently murdered, with no easy way to loop back in sight...... the moment i saw the unusually big-fonted laughter i knew i did something wrong......... it was almost a feeling of amusement with how much i did not expect any of this to happen, with how unbelievably cruel the scene had became in such a short time, the kind of terror that you don't believe at first because well there's no way, right?
but i guess this wish craft is really a thing sif can control, since thinking about looping very hard really did loop us back! i don't think this was like any other loop, it was definitely directly from a wish. the king said that he "wished" to be like this as well, does that mean he wields wish craft rather than time craft, or perhaps both?? lots to think about
also, funny how sif assumed that loop is going to be an ass about this:
right before this dialogue option popped up i thought "i know you told me all about how the king can't be trusted but don't you dare to go i-told-you-so at me right now, that would be The Bitch Move ever--"
.........aaaand they did it! cool🙂 "rude to them" how about RUDE TO ME
#isat liveblog#i dont care what kinda sad backstory or tragic future plot importance they might have#this bitchiness is inexcusable imma stab them one of these days#anyway.........#the king be like “i will preserve vaugarde; the perfect country with perfect and welcoming people”#also the king when some vaugardians aren't nice and welcoming to him:#“oh well. guess i have to brutally murder you all to teach my compatriot a lesson”#okay selfish bitch that doesnt actually care about vaugarde or its people or anything except your own ego???🙄🙄🙄#you know what#tell me am i crazy or did our island only leave behind petty bitches???? lmfaooooo so sad#all the cool stuff like constellations and even all the normies went down with it#n the only things left of stars are the bitchiest star they could find and literal dust#rip😔😔😔💀💀🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🥀🥀🥀#okay maybe ill read these chars intentions with empathy and compassion some other time but rn im a little hater (rightly so) (deserved)#to balance it out tho: i didnt add it to the post but the way everyone was absolutely desperate to save bonbon </3#the things they say at the peak of despair </3 aaaah absolutely heartbreaking </3
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Some of you are trying to find misogyny where it doesn't exist because you want to be victims so bad
#i said it#i stand by it#im sick of it#rewording the tags because i really did that wrong the first time#now unsentimentaltranslator made a point so allow me to redeem mine#misogyny is absolutely the bigger issue but there's no contest#but ive seen people go out of their way to find something to be offended by. in general too ofc but#im specifically referencing people who milk their identity as a woman for all its worth#while being deliberately ignorant of the privileges they do have#i hate that. i do. it's annoying#some of yall want to be offended so that you can be the victims so that you don't have to take responsibility or accountability#for any privilege or any sort of power you do have#easiest example is the way some of us white woman ignore our privilege when compared to a dark skinned woman#or how us well-off women are in an infinitely better position than the women out there fighting for their lives in congo or gaza#knowing your privilege even in a marginalized position is crucial to being a true feminist#feminism#misogyny#coming back the next day to add a few things#this can actually also be a form of misogyny in and of itself. in MANY different ways#and i can double down on that but ill save it for another post
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if i dont get into [college redacted] im straight up dropping physics. that school is the only reason im taking this secret layer of hell disguised as a class. i am not gonna put myself through another semester of this bullshit if i dont have to.
#boycritter et al#ill find out if i got in december#so i have plenty of time to drop the class if necessary#THE TOPIC IS FINE I JUST HATE MY TEACHER SO BAD ITS SO BAD#SHE TALKS DOWN TO US ALL THE TIME#someone asked if we would have a review day for our test soon (very normal thing to ask in my opinion)#and she was like 'if you dont know how to study for this class by now then im sorry but yr not going to do well. sometimes you need to take#some responsibility in your life. if you havent studied before ever you need to start now.'#like CHILL OUT
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.
#personal#thinking about how the phrase treat others how you want to be treated is actually incredibly one way#unless damn near every person ive ever met wants to be treated like shit which i cant imagine is true#like idk i spent a lot of my time giving my energy to people. and ill never feel bad for putting love and kindness out into the world#but i gave some of these people everything i had. or not everything that would diminish me but everything i could spare for them at the time#i treated them attentively and considerately and tenderly and lovingly#and that kindness has not been extended back to me by most of these people#some of them have surely in their own 'love language' and im grateful for these people in my life#but most of the people ive treated with intentional care have actively and on purpose caused me a lot of emotional harm#which again. im working through and like karma will get them without me needing to be there or whatever while i do my own healing#but regardless i still think some of that shit should not have happened like it did#i dont understand how everyone can say to me treat others how youd like to be treated but not tell me the caveat#that they will not treat me the way i want to be treated even if i put in that effort for them/for our friendship or relationship or whatevr#like idk im a bitch for asking you to leave me alone when ive been vomiting for two days straight but you can straightup sexually misconduct#with my body and then when i write poetry about it and share my feelings instead of leaving and taking that information anywhere helpful#you get to decode youre traumatized actually and im still a bitch for bringing it up?#make it make sense#'treat others the way you want to be treated' so youd like it if i starved you and verbally insulted and gaslight and manipulated you? no?#then what the fuck is the point of you saying that to me???#idk im just fucking pissed rn that. idk what im pissed at. cause again i know im no contact with all of these people now and their#shitty justice will find its way to them. and i cant be mad at myself for saddling with the wrong people cause some of that was my choices#and some of it was blood i couldnt escape for a long time. and i said i dont want to regret or resent#putting love out to the world#but i am still angry that so much of me was given to the wrong people. that these people just chose to completely ignore#the level of respect and patience and kindness i showed them#idk dudes im just angry. 'treat others the way you want to be treated' fuck off thats some quiet manipulation bullshit to get me to be#nicer to you even as you abuse the self-worth outta me fuck off fuck you#i found it again. you cant bury it im too full of love to not love myself too but it hurts how hard they tried for so long#'treat others the way you want to be treated' how bout no. how bout i treat everyone with a base level of kindness#and when youve shown me that you will treat me the way i deserve to be treated then ill fucking play niceys back
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omw to play emotional support for my mom disguised as ✨fun family bonding time✨ for the rest of the week <3333 there's something so deeply wrong with me uwu teehee
#and i still havent texted my friend back even tho she texted me a week ago and i told her ill text her back this week when i have the time#and i DO have the time. im just fucked in the head and the prospect of having a conversation with another person where i again#have to pretend im not at the very brink of a serious mental and emotional breakdown. is making me lose my fucking mind#ik she's having a bad time rn and she needs the reassurance and jesus fucking christ i tried i had two long conversations with her#that were allllll about her. only her. not a single word about me. that's fine. this is what people need in such moments right#to just get patted on the head and hugged and told their suffering is real and what happened to them is unfair and just made to feel#that for a moment they're the centre of attention and it is all about them. this is normal. this is why therapy exists.#so i try to give this to her but it is fucking draining. and i NEVER get the same treatment back. like she caught me crying at uni last week#and like yes she'll say some nice things but she'll always find a way to turn the conversation back on the topic of ✨her✨#like we started talking about my therapy and i finally got to actually say a word or two about what im dealing with. but then she goes#'yeah im just trying to figure out what's wrong with me when i listen to you haha like i could never cut myself cause it looks ugly.#ofc it doesnt look ugly on you haha but i could never lol'#like thanks haha good to know ill just shut up then and steer the conversation back onto you why dont i. i mean its not like#i spent over an hour a few days back sitting with you and listening to your talk about your childhood and validating you and not saying#a word a single fucking word about myself even tho i was also going through it myself but who cares right. and now im the bad guy again#because im not texting back.#i feel like im finally fucking snapping cause at this point im properly fucking angry. IM having a bad time too. IM going through it too.#I have bad coping skills and had a fucked up childhood and traumas in my life TOO and im allowed to just not be able to handle it#i really wanna break something lol maybe therapy's working after all lmao#oh also this is why i dont eat breakfast. i do it once and then feel guilty and suicidal lol normal behaviour#pojebie mnie zaraz przysięgam na boga mam dość kurwa BASTA
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sometimes it’s late at night and you’re cleaning your room and you come across a few old black and white photos of a young girl and you stare at them for a long minute wondering how on earth they got lost in an old Kroger shopping bag with an unopened pack of cigarettes and a receipt dated 2017.
and you look at the girl in the pictures sat on the floor of someone’s home you don’t recognize, smiling and playing with a set of keys and a tiny part of you feels like it recognizes her but you aren’t sure.
and you flip the pictures over hoping to find some sort of annotation that would give you context and all you find is the year 1964 stamped in tiny font along the edge.
and you flip them back over and time stands still as you realize that the recognition you feel is because she looks so much like you once did and next thing you know your hands are sweating and shaking and you have to sit on the floor because you’re crying so hard because it hits you all at once that you’re looking at your mother.
#hey Siri play In Color by Jamey Johnson for me please#music stuff#you should’ve seeeeen it in cooolllloor#Seven.txt#Seven’s Public Diary#normal Sunday night behavior#me? up all night hyperfocused on cleaning out my depression cave to achieve a sense of change and accomplishment -#- and ignoring every other aspect of my life including abandoning time sensitive tasks lest i get distracted and lose all motivation???#more likely than you think!#i’ve been at this since new years and i’m only like. halfway done. Gods help me#like i don’t mean ‘cleaning’ as in doing some light dusting. i mean there’s junk and trash piled 2/3rds of the way to the ceiling#when i call this room my depression/mental illness cave i Mean it#but no longer. i shall finally return this room to an acceptable state for the first time since. uh. 2022? i think?#i found a plastic container of dates buried under some laundry and the sticker says they’re from March of last year lmao#i forgot about those/thought i threw them away. but they were thankfully sealed so well that they hadn’t drawn any bugs#and oddly enough hadn’t even visibly molded/gone bad. but i didn’t open them up for a smell test i just chucked ‘em in my giant trash bag#i’m finding all kinds of shit i forgot i even had which is nice but it’s also distracting me like those pictures did#i’ll have to show them to her and ask her about them tomorrow#and ur probably like ‘u found old pics of a girl that looks like you why didn’t you immediately recognize ur own mom’#and 1. there’s countless pics of countless old relatives around this house that i barely/don’t recognize and never even met#and 2. i’ve barely ever seen any pics of my mom from such a young age so i have no images to reference in my mind#and it just fucked me up bc. i don’t look like her anymore. i only see Him in the mirror. but i Used to look like her. i’m turning into him#and i fucking hate it so much. i don’t like that she looks at me and sees him. great now i feel sick.#anyways thats enough reminiscing i need to get some water and food in me and get back to cleaning. i shan’t rest until i’m satisfied#well. my period + depression combo kinda Did make me rest which is why it’s taken 5 days but still. the horrors persist but so do i#it’s not just for the sense of accomplishment tho. i also need to move the 75gal tank out of the living room thanks to the floor situation#so i’m trying to make room in my room for it since it has the newest & strongest floor. i just need to find a level spot thats big enough#my back is gonna be so fucked after all this cleaning that i’ll have to rest for a fucking week before moving that heavy ass glass box#i hate moving big aquariums it makes me so anxious. and i literally don’t know if i’ll have anyone capable of helping me#so it might not even happen and it’ll just have to sit empty in the living room forever. but Maybe he can/will help me
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