#ill cure my symptoms
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not to be dramatic or anything. because i know what im supposed to be doing (in theory) but also i will be experiencing some very heavy recoil if me thinks what i think is happening
#i will just have to cope#and accept that i am only in charge of myself and not anyone else#and just find my inner peace again#this all comes from caring too much#my hearts too big for my body and it is a heavy burden#im also pmsing so my emotions are worse than normal#and i dont know how long this will go on#because my pms can last like double the time of the actual period#ill cure my symptoms#maybe treat myself to a little snack have my little freaky moment and take a little nap#i just need to be softer with myself#especially with everything thats happening rn
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PSA: my blog is NOT for people who believe crystals can cure disease, mental illness, chronic conditions, disabilities, etc. or people who believe crystals can substitute modern medicine and be effective in the slightest. yes, this includes people who say crystals can “help with depression/anxiety/etc”.
#saying crystals can ease certain symptoms of mental illness is a VERY slippery slope to saying crystals can cure said illnesses or more#if by ‘crystals can help depression’ you mean crystals can boost your mood#then stop misusing words like depression and anxiety. say what you really mean#my stuff#witchcraft#crystals#pseudoscience
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what if i took a 3-day phone break 👀👉👈
#itd be sooooo hard like ive been on my phone every day for like a decade at least 😫#but im scrolliny all day and i can just FEEL myself slowly turning to dust like a badly preserved mummy#also like. ever since i started getting good blood pressure during sleep 1.5 yrs ago and cured most of my adhd symptoms ive been way less#bored? i think.......? and im not sure abt that bc i dont LET myself get bored. im always on that damn phone#i want to see what im capable of nowadays#and id rly like for my days to feel longer than 5 mins bc now they go by in the blink of an eye yanno#altho ofc w my time blindness (the only adhd symptom i still have at full strength) might throw a bit of a wrench in that......#but still!!! >:(#ok im gonna do it#if yall need me ill still check whapp or discord @ beautifulegg0520 if yall need me ok love you byeeeee see yall in 72 hrs <3#mine
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having an idea for a game but it's miles above your skill level
#personal#elevator pitch: point and click 2d art-heavy narrative driven game. mc is a scientist in a closed off laboratory in a post apocalyptic worl#player plays as the mc going through a daily routine consisting of taking care of a few patients that are dying of#the zombie plant esque disease that has wiped out humanity. working towards breakthrough day. on which they should#hopefully have managed to recreate the exact circumstances in which patient zero got turned#in hopes to reverse engineer it into a cure#solving puzzles along the way to open up new locations within the labs to piece together what exactly went wrong in the first place#and like!!!!!!!! i know i could do this. realistically i know i could put a game like this together but it's just#the dev heavy stuff that is stopping me because well i am just a game artist JHDGJFDKGJDFGKFDG#all the patients are in different stages of infection and it's all affecting them differently because of different variables#only one of the patients is actually fully lucid and can be spoken to on the daily#but then on breakthrough day they end up taking their own life JUST like patient zero did exactly a year ago#and it turns out that despite showing little symptoms on the outside the plants were taking root inside of them#which has been foreshadowed through earlier gameplay with the patient feeling itchy but not being able to scratch the itch#and on breakthrough day the flowers inside of them bloomed... and it was unbearable so they used the gun that they took#a year ago from patient zero's body (their colleague) to end it all. and THAT is what ends up turning them into a plant zombie#and the player has been working towards getting into the labs where it all started to find patient zero's body and like#get access to the logs of their last few days. and after the patient in the present has passed they listen to the logs#while the credits roll. and patient zero describes very similar symptoms in the logs. and they also couldn't have been saved#ig the patients in this could be some sort of metaphor for like. how illness doesn't always come with (the same) symptoms for everyone#and how even if it's not visible on the outside someone might be struggling a lot etc etc. something in that direction#anyway hi does anyone here see my vision. do you understand what i'm going for. anyway yes i hope i can make it reality one day
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*2015 voice* i wish i had the chillness instead i got the mental illness
#evidence of life#tw for mental illnesses major distress illness symptoms that aren’t romanticized (lawl) suicide ableism i guess?#idk just a massive tw for what i’ve said in the notes / don’t read if descriptions of mental illnesses bother you etc#////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////#i literally had to mix rubbing alcohol into my body wash then put it all over my body except my hair to stop myself from committing suicide#i’m so serious if there’s one thing i don’t say with my convoluted levels irony it’s suicide whenever i say kms im 100% serious#suicide is literally a constant ideation for me and i just can’t teehee about it ever i think it’s because it is one of the few ways i feel#that i can take total control full autonomy#anyways isn’t crazy traumatic things will happen and we have to just keep going like im literally on tumblr after [redacted]…#also why is my psychosis so obsessed with break ins these days when i was doing my rubbing alcohol scrub it did the break in scenario#like miss girl literally nobody want us that bad take a seat…#anyways this day started out okayish and now it’s literally *burning building in the background*#i wanna try to at least make it possibly kind of better by going to watch the sunset but no promises kinda itching for more rubbing alcohol#anyways slayyyy respectfully i hope this scares off…who it usually does…#like bro i am not a manic pixie dream girl i am not a smol bean with anxiety not a depressed gloomy muse etc#i am [as described by men who thought that i was just another goth bitch with daddy issues that knew all the right moves to make me into#whatever they needed me to be and or thought i was being hyperbolic when i say i am insane in the head and the pussy (as above so below)]#‘crazy crazy’ ‘fucked up’ ‘not worth it [because i am crazy for real]’ ‘[in need for a dude who one course in psychology and thinks that and#his dick are enough to ‘cure me’ ‘weird’ ‘freak’ ‘looney’ (kinda love that one like so true) etc (bc i don’t want to talk abt this anymore)#edit: my temporary icon bothering more than it should rn ughhh bad end all around goodness
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I was feeling particularly hopeless about my undiagnosed chronic illness tonight so I did a bunch of research and went down avenues I haven’t before and I’m freaking out bc I think I may have found it!!! I really think I found a causative diagnosis it feels true
#best part: it’s curable! if this is indeed what it is it would just require one surgery and I’d be cured#and look at this point I’m p sure there’s multiple things wrong with me like I prolly have at least 2 or 3 illnesses#and doctors agree with that even if they can’t figure out what the illnesses are#but if I could get rid of just some of the symptoms it would make such a huge difference in my life#I’m messaging my doctors tomorrow to get them to order diagnostic tests#they’re at such a loss of what to do with me that they’ll order any test I ask for lol#I just feel like I’m vibrating out of my skin bc this is the first glimmer of hope on the medical front in so long#and maybe I’m wrong but at least I feel like I’m on the right track!!!
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having some sort of chronic pain and tiredness issue and joint problems and whatnot but not knowing exactly what the problem is is really good at leading you feeling like you're faking it or making a big deal out of nothing or making it up. especially if there's a good day where it's not as bad and you can walk straight without limping for the first time in a year. but then you can wake up the next day and can barely walk and wonder why you can't just walk normal. it's hard to not guilt trip yourself into dealing with pain by trying to ignore it and force yourself to walk "normal" all the time
#chronic pain#chronic exhaustion#idk what else to tag#another day of why was lee walking normal and barely pain at work yesterday but then today so much pain and exhausted#wish i knew what was exactly the problem. was diagnosed with “generalized hypermobility” but doesnt do much#not a real diagnosis. basically just a thing to tell me “theres nothing wrong. exercise more” but how???? i keep trying but hurt myself#my job is physical labor and therefore exercise. it hurts. is exhausting. no energy to do more. walking is exhausting#have to focus so much energy on not popping hips out of place and twisting knees and ankles and falling. never hurts less#still think about how failed the heds test by 1 point but had several people with heds or who have close friends/family with it who told me#they think i have it and should go het diagnosed or just ask me if i have it because they recognize the symptoms#and every time i tell them the doctor i saw about my joint issues and stuff denied it they get super confused and tell me to try#another doctor. unfortunately i have to go through my designated health system and they dont have multiple doctors of each specialty#and i in general have no clue how to navigate health stuff or how to advocate for myself and have no help or support system at all so 🤷#anyway. it makes me wonder if i *do* have that or if my floppy bendy joints are just similarly bad and exercise will cure me#and im just bad at it because i have no clue what is right and wrong movement unless someone watches me and corrects me the whole time#and no i wont learn or get better. im so disconnected from this body that i will never learn what feels right and wrong.#still cant even tell when im hungry until i almost pass out!!!!!!! of thirsty!! or even have to pee until its emergency level piss!!!!!!#so no way to tell when hypermobiling joints when exercising or when form is slipping and not correct anymore.#been trying things to get better at that but still hasnt improved at all#what was i talking about......right. dont think ill ever get heds diagnosis since cant pass the test for that. so cant get much support/help#am on my own with youtube tutorials and hoping i dont keep hurting myself wishing exercise will cure me and “good days” become permanent#also why are video tutorials SO HARD TO FOLLOW AND LEARN FROM. im sk bad at it yet everyone tells me its the best and only way to learn but#its SO HARD FOR ME 😭😭😭😭😭 MAKES ME SO FRUSTRATED AND UPSET
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#nothing like being in varying states of pain for a few years - sometimes less#sometimes more but always there - and being too exhausted to go to a doctor about it bc everyone around you says you just need to do yoga &#the only way ur job will accommodate is by giving u the less staffed late shift so u can go in the morning and ur so exhausted youd rather#just deal eith the pain like u already have been doing for years#to moving to a job that actually allows u to leave early for medical reasons if you can get the essentials done#then phoning the gp with hope & motivation for the first time in a long time#and being told lol no appointments left until july#i had hope for once i really did 🥲 my friend is a pt & said i might have fibromyalgia and i really really dont want it to be that bc that#means i have a chronic illness with no cure but i looked it up and just. every single symptom was a check for me#and i started thinking if i do have it ill have it whether im diagnosed or not & if i dont then thats good to know too? & psyched myself up#for the phone call and. ugh it really hit me#she said to do their online service. tried and it said no appointments available. tried nhs online. it said make an appointment with ur gp#within the next few days 🥲 back to giving up and just bearing the pain and never mentioning it bc i'll just get told it's my own fault bc#i didnt go yoga ig#just needed to rant into the void for a bit sigh#time to go back into work i guess#*#UGH I JUST GOT MY PERIOD TOO#also like. this isn't to say i do have chronic pain it could be something easily solved#and id be delighted if it was#but i hate how the people around me trivialise it like. it's not normal to have intense pain and stiffness from sitting down/standing for#the duration of one train stop ok it's not. it's not normal to feel sharp jolts of pain through my body every time i cough or sneeze.#every part of my body aches! literally from my head to my toes! they dont do toe yoga!#okay enough back into the fray
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i was gonna send an ask like 'koraidon or miraidon' but why would i make you choose actually... that's mean. what herba mystica do you want to try most on a sandwich in real?
To be fair i played scarlet so I am partial to koraidon over miraidon but they're both sammich loving lizard dogs so I care them both
I think probably the sweet herba mystica? It sounds like it would make a nice tea. Also we have like a million health issues so I feel like technically, if herba mystica worked on humans, I would wanna try all of them. But sweet herba mystica helps with Tummy Hurt Disease so that one would be nice to have.
#considering in my au the HM doesnt cure arven's illness or anything#but it might help him deal with symptoms??#sweet herba mystica tea for when he is experiencing a Category Nine Tummy Event
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welp i got the preliminary POTS diagnosis. doc doesn't want to do the TTT bc if it comes back positive they'd have to put me on beta blockers and some other prescriptions, and he wants to try some non-pharmaceutical treatments first as an additional diagnostic test. but i apparently meet all the criteria anyway 🙄
now to convince my dad that actually i am doing my best everyday and fuck you for thinking i'm being lazy
#tink rambles#its so weird talking about my medical stuff with dad#bc he acts like he's open minded and willing to learn/understand#and then turns around and asks why i'm not giving 100% every day to do 'what i need to do'#i'm gonna have to sit him down and be like#'Dad. there is no cure for these illnesses. i am going to be on symptom management for the rest of my life.'#'these treatments can improve my health for sure but ONLY if i strictly adhere to doctors orders'#'which means NO i will NOT be HIKING or CLIMBING MOUNTAINS anytime soon'
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Having a female doctor after having male doctors for so long is such a huge difference.
Me: my main concern is my injury from the military, I haven't had any treatments,physical therapy, help, or gotten it checked to see what we can do for it, sometimes I'm even bedridden.
My new doctor: I'm going to send you to a specialist in case your past doctors weren't thorough and diagnosed you wrong. Because unfortunately for what they say you have there is no cure, it's permanent. And then I'm also going to let you decide if you want to pursue physical therapy before or after they check you. In the case it is permanent, I can set you up with mental health in order to come to terms and cope.
Me internally: wait that's it you're not gonna make me wait a whole year or make me feel dramatic. There's a chance that I don't have to be permanently disabled? Theres a chance I can get treatment? You're not just going to dismiss me because i look young and healthy? You're just going to genuinely care? Just like that!?
My new doctor: I'm also going to get you checked for other things because even tho you look like a healthy young woman I want to make sure it is that way.
Me:
#rant#personal#txt#theres a chance that i dont have to be permanently disabled?#it could be something else that actually has a cure? and even if it isnt youre still going to have me get seen by physical therapy?:0#my last doctor only listen to me to see an allergist & it was after i got 2 shocks & had gotten the nurses to help because he wouldnt liste#disability#disability recovery#my past doctors would be like op its permanent oh well and id be like but if i get it check i can get the symptoms treated#and they be like you look young and healthy ill see ya next year like whaT#my new doctor even gave a fuck about how it would affect me mentally like bro i didnt even tell her how id be in bed crying she just cared
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session with the psychiatrist today and he finalised getting me a s*roquel prescription… upon a google i discovered that one of the most common side effects is supposedly weight gain so now i am actually considering the preferred alternative option of recovery which is k*lling m*self
#he is 1. russian 2. the sessions are being paid for and monitored by my father#i tried calmly and reasonably explaining to him that i do not suffer from bipolar disorder and that#the prevalent part of the symptoms which cause me direct discomfort or suffering in my day to day#life most closely correspond to adult ‘female’ adhd and autism; and that the#only psychiatric pharmaceuticals which would cause a legitimate positive impact on my life would be those prescribed to ADHD patients;#which means that what he really should be doing is writing me a reference form to speed up the diagnosis process. his response?#‘you have labelled your issues with these developmental disorders to absolve yourself of a responsibility to heal from them; since; unlike#mental illnesses; they are not temporary and cannot be cured; only alleviated���#ok mental illness isn’t temporary either; total recovery is nigh impossible. plus; i don’t want meds for a cure. i want meds to be able to#manage and live like a functioning adult human being. as in; be able to concentrate on what i am invested in; to ameliorate skills and put#in an ounce of effort instead of floating mindlessly without concrete goals or desires#okay maybe i need depression meds. MAYBE. but i have a sneaking suspicion that the moment i start taking adhd medication and become#far more productive and accomplished by my own standards; my depressive state will begin to dissipate without psychiatric intervention#jamie.txt#tw ed implied#antipsych
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I will go buy a pen and read the Wikipedia page for the brand. I will get a cold and read scientific articles about it. I love #information
#last time i caught a cold i was so mad that there wasnt a cure for it#wdym its the most common illness in the world and u can only treat the symptoms? my immune system is fighting all alone#today im reading about the difficulties in developing a vaccine for it
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it's a miracle my symptoms are back the night before the doctor visit after disappearing for two weeks the moment I paid for the appointment faking it accusations avoided once more
#im always worried my symptoms will disappear before the doctor then reappear after#and then ill waste my copay and the doctor will think im faking and ill still be sick and not cured#and then its awkward to make a new appointment when it could happen again the second time#yes i have an anxiety disorder#health anxiety fucking sucks as an american because its a very expensive so you gotta dice role peace of mind and zero money
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hope my dr gets back to me abt the change to private service I messaged her last night saying it Should be okay and asking for info abt fees n any changes.. so painful communication is now gonna cost £360 per hour/£6 per min 😬🤕
#my roomie works at a law firm and is always talking abt the insane charges some of the solicitors have per hour#and this is like. even worse than that 😭#ahhh... but the thing is elvanse DOES work for me i dont wanna quit it i just need to figure out how to manage the crash#whether its like. a lifestyle change or a second med. and i dont necessarily need to take it every single day#maybe introducing med breaks a day or two a week when i dont NEED focus would work#being unmedicated was fine. but it would suck now ik meds can help to then lose access to that#ill take today off the booster then thurs and fri ill halve it bc i think the full dose is a little high n thats why it bleeds into sleep#dont have to write my next symptom report til sunday so i have some time to test it#i wish 10mg vyvanse was available in this country like taking that w lunch might be better than the dex#well maybe i could try halving one of the 20s i still have n do that saturday#figuring this shit out!!!!#meds arent perfect anyway theyre not a cure-all for my adhd. there are some things im gonna have to work thru on top of that#but its like. they resolve the lowest couple tiers on the hierarchy of adhd symptoms for me. which is a massive jump#n its just 4 more weeks of trialling it that i have to pay for. and so long as my gp accepts shared care ill have indefinite access#and for MUCH much cheaper. the only risk is shortages but lets not consider that rn 😭#okay not thinking abt this anymore i gotta clock in.... see u on the other side homosexuals in my phone#.diaries
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sorry y’all I’m unavailable due to cringing from remembering that I was crying literally my entire psychiatry appointment today💀
#mylife#Literally so cringe#Also I was frustrated during the appointment bc she’d be like why do you think your condition is getting worse#Yknow in the way they phrase questions like why do you think they are mad at you or other subjective opinion questions#And it’s like girl I had an MRI and two separate medical doctors that are familiar with my case said so 💀#I’m experiencing signs and symptoms and there is real recorded clinical evidence of my current active flare up 💀#I am aware of my psych issues hence asking my rheum to refer me here 💀; but like don’t discount my genuine medical condition 💀💀💀#My health anxiety (while harming my ability to thrive day to day) is not wholly unwarranted?#Like same with the health anxiety index; I’m not scared I might have a serious illness I in fact do have one#Or like will modern medicine cure a serious illness I have? No it won’t because it hasn’t; I have hope for effective treatment not cures
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