#ill be very very very very grateful

[fairsmaze]

oh hey im not used to big numbers (and i dont do art that often bc i dont have an amazingly ergonomic workdesk at the same time having chronic body pain while working as the caretaker of my house so i dont get to do the work to make a lot of art that i can post) and so ummmmmmmmmm is that 400+ notes on my latest drawing....................

[stil-lindigo]

lead balloon (the tumblr post that saved me)

if this comic resonated with you, it would mean the world to me if you donated to this palestinian family's escape fund.

--

no creative notes because this isn't that kind of comic.

I know I don’t owe any of you anything but I still felt compelled to write about my long term absence. And I feel far enough away from the dangerous spot I was in to be able to make this comic. I have a therapist now, and she agreed that making this could be a very cathartic gesture, and the start of properly leaving these thoughts behind me. I am still, at seemingly random times, blindsided by fleeting desires to kill myself. They’re always passing urges, but it’s disarming, and uncomfortable. I worry sometimes that my brain’s spent so long thinking only about suicide that it’s forgotten how to think about anything else. Like, now that I've opened that door for myself, I'll never be able to fully shut it again. But I’m trying my best to encourage my mind in other directions. We'll see how that goes.

I am still donating all proceeds from my store to Palestinian causes. So far, I've donated over $15K, not including donations coming from my own pocket or the fundraising streams which jointly raised around $10K. In the time since I made my initial post about where this money would be going, the focus has shifted from aid organisations to directly donating to escape funds.

If you'd like to do the same, you can look at Operation Olive Branch, which hosts hundreds of Palestinian escape funds or donate to Safebow, which has helped facilitate the safe crossing and securing of important medical procedures for over 150 at-risk palestinians since the beginning of the genocide.

[wisteriasymphony]

Wouldn't it be fucked up to visit a wax museum and look your younger self in the eyes.

Wouldn't it be fucked up to know that the 'you' people find worth preserving is a 'you' you can never go back to, maybe never were to begin with. That the 'you' that the people find worth preserving is one without so fundamentally without personhood, without agency.

Wouldn't it be fucked up if the way people immortalized you was as an accessory to your mother, 'your' wax seamlessly pushed against her wax as the wax mother holds 'you' so fondly, yet so distantly, 'you' looking at her but not her to you. Your name isn't even on the placard at her feet, just hers. Wouldn't it be fucked up if this is the first time you had seen your mother in four years, and here she is, reminding you that you'll never escape her?

[evercelle]

2024 art summary! it sure has been a year

[vettel25]

ON LOVE / GRIEF OF THE LIVING

You cast my olive branch into the fire and it combusts instanter. A dreadful chill radiates through my spine - I've never felt a warmth make me so cold

CHIHIRO - Billie Eillish // The End Of The Fucking World (2017) // Anatomy Of A Hookup - Alex Thomas // Unknown, possibly the twitter user in the screenshot (aRealLiveGhost) // Glue Myself Shut - Noah Kahan // Letters to Milena - Franz Kafka // The Ballad Of The Costa Concordia - Car Seat Headrest // The God Of Small Things - Arundhati Roy

[kitamars]

enmi gintoki…………… orz

[sunlit-mess]

Hello, I hope it's not rude but I'm REALLY REALLY fond of your art!!!!! I was scrolling through your blog from new to old and found that you have Bpd,,,. I only heard about this condition, what is it like? If it's ok to know,,,!

hello, thank u! uhm it's something? HAHAHAHA idk how to explain it 😭🏳 lemme try to be as direct as possible

I'm high-functioning, but there are points I seriously just start showing symptoms.

Emotions: INTENSE as it can get while FEELING 99 PERCENT EMPTY. Something just- keeps you so.. hungry (not literally). Sensory is also another factor, and honestly I burn out a lot, tend to get overwhelmed n meltdown like shit

Identity: I either have BEEF WITH it, feel GODLY, or be so LOW, really low. I live with both passion and hate. I'm very confused. But I can say I'm just tired!

Attachments: Relationships are so hard to maintain bc of how much I fear abandonment, like bro I can't even leave my family as much as I want to. I'm more scared of getting disowned or losing my name. Love is a concept I long to grasp at the same time scared of it, I don't understand jackshit about " love ".

> I tend to self-Isolate with or without reason

> ...I used to test other people whether they can handle me or not, whether they'd leave or not. Not anymore though, but the thought lingers.

> Very- paranoid- about.. perception, neglect and invalidity HAHA.

Mindset: They call it Black and White, or generally just two categories to label my perception of things. However, I try to understand AS MUCH AS I CAN about a situation, etc. See what's in-between before I decide. that's really hard for me to do LOL.

> I always do my best to think and be nice

> I can be so fucking bad at the same time, only to regret it the next second or so

> My mind is scattered all over the place, It's exhausting

Trauma: I have memory problems and a lot to connect with that. Hate and fear is what I'm accustomed to. I live with a fuck ton of active predicaments like hell. Old wounds keeps reopening, and new ones never closes.

Impulse: shows in speech more than in action (THANK GOD LMAO I'D DIE IF I LET MY INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS WIN)

Habits: uhm. Ranging from sunshine and rainbows to SELF-DESTRUCTIVE. I get obsessive, like.. really obsessive.

Coping mechanisms: Usually I have mood stabilizers and anti-depressants n shit, but I don't rely on them anymore (bc I can't keep buying). I don't have good coping mechanisms even for physical needs. It's so bad bro. So I just end up drawing. that's the only good one I can list.

Living with it: Exhausting and an internal war 24/7. Does it affect me physically? Yes. Does it come with other mental factors and conditions? Also yes! But as one of God's most tired soldiers, nothing I can do but keep walking.

What I'm confused about: dawg last time, i kept searching about how conditions co exists like— Thats normal?? N the last diagnosis I was in confirms it does and nothing to worry about. BLUD I AM DEF WORRYING. Autism n bpd? u mean my behavior and shit isnt meant to be invalid as most people perceive — u mean these fckass experiences built that bpd? ☠️ WHAT AM I THEN—

(I'm having a hard time believing it bc as an adult, it's harder to process information like these)

[etcnnante]

apologies for my extended hiatus, i never expected it to be so long and perhaps i should explain why its been longer than expected 🥹

in late august i underwent a pretty intense reconstructive knee surgery due to a knee injury that resulted in a dislocated kneecap for 80% of my life- and sadly the surgery did not go as originally planned. i was in a full leg cast for two weeks after that, then two months later in late october, i went in for minor corrective surgery, and that also didn’t go as planned, and was again bed ridden for a while after that. fast forward to now and luckily i am walking again with only a minor limp in my step- but because of the fact that my recovery has just … not been linear, ive struggled to come back permanently because i still spend most of my day doing therapy which can be hard both mentally and physically. so trying to focus on other things can be difficult as a result, but i plan to come back soon enough now that i have also managed to replaced my old laptop charger and can focus on other things besides my therapy! thank god because i have missed my boys …

[jellyfishvibes]

So uh

Me remaking the character creator unnecessarily because the app still existed is a bit more relevant i guess

[huellitaa]

i giggle so hard whenever i see one of my posts on someone else's blog like omg..... i'm actually liked by people..... blushing rn

[screamin-abt-haikyuu]

I don't think anything can ever beat Haikyuu for me. And I don't think I can ever express my feelings about it in words. No matter how many times I rewatch it, it just makes my heart swoon. My happy place. I'm glad I exist in this exact timeline where I got to witness it like this.

[wormchaser]

you are complaining about complaining too much while complaining about the fact that maybe people dont like you because you complain too much while complaining about being alone. just stop complaining and do something about it. talk to people. reach out. dont just wait for someone to come to you first.

i have tried reaching out to different people in the past year or so but it never works. i understand its my own fault for letting relationships decay because of my own insecurities and issues but that doesn't mean i can just will myself to think or believe different things about myself. it's a self fulfilling prophecy ; i think people don't like me so i don't reach out so people don't like me etc . i am sure you do not want to hear me list all the things i want to say in response so i will put them in the tags.

[kalgalen]

Looks like I've hit the "i suck at everything why do i even try" part of the withdrawal symptoms. Cool!

[isfjmel-phleg]

This is going to be fun.

[astriiformes]

I remember the spring of my freshman year of college, when I was seriously suicidally depressed, I was taking an Ancient Egyptian literature course and ended up being assigned a short presentation the week we were discussing "The Man Who Was Weary of Life," which is this Middle Kingdom text where a man argues with his ba (one of the parts of the soul in Egyptian cosmology) about suicide and how difficult it is to cope with life's hardships.

It's very "To be or not to be", except more like 4,000 years old instead of 400, and it did something permanent to my brain chemistry to think about people that long ago struggling in the same way I was. Ultimately I got a great grade on it from a TA that should maybe have been a little more worried about my analysis being so insightful, but it was also weirdly heartening to think I was that not alone in human history in having such an awful time coping with life.

But also. Other things that could go in the DSM maybe.

[g0nta-g0kuhara]

So I went to Ikebukuro again. Peace and love on planet earth