#ignore if you wish I don’t care
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Teen Wolf ep two let’s talk about it;
I lowkey love the music in this show
Scott freaking bc Allison’s dad shot him with a cross bow 😂
Derek acts like such a creep just standing on the edge of the lacrosse field like dude stop being weird and wait till Scott’s not in school if you must talk to him, don’t be stalking him where people can see you jeez
The kissing in this show is so cringey and disgustingly loud wtf
Ok ngl you do have to feel bad for Derek that after he finally managed to bury Laura Scott and stiles dig her up. Have some respect for the dead guys damn
I love stiles interacting with his dad.
“That depends on how you define lying.”
“I define it as not telling the truth, how do you define it?”
“Reclining your body in a horizontal position. . .?” 😭😂
More stalking, what is up with these guys???
And then Chris hits Scott with his car love it 👏
What teenager gets that flirty with their bf in front of their dad talk about awkward damn
Stiles cares so much.
And Scott disregards him allllllllllll the time
I think normal went out the window when you got bit by a werewolf there Scotty boy
Why lacrosse??? I would love this show ten times more if it was baseball. I am soooooooooo glad it’s not football tho that’d be worse fs
Jackson’s hair is so bad but very realistic. Scott’s is bad too, and stiles. All poor choices on somebody’s part.
We love a supportive father 🙌 love sheriff stilinski
I love that they stay convinced that Derek murdered Laura for so long. Like what possible motive would he have for that??? Cmon stiles you’re a better detective than that
And then we have Derek being creepy again as the ep ends love it
#teen wolf#teen wolf watch through#yes I will be giving play by play thoughts as I watch#ignore if you wish I don’t care#rie rambles#Derek hale#stiles stilinski#anti scott mccall
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Dungeon lord Chilchuck
What would his wish as a dungeon lord be? What would he be like? Headcanons & speculation post for fun. But I’ll start with analytic lead up because that’s always fun for me, though feel free to skip and skim.
When it comes to what Chilchuck’s dungeon lord desires could/would be like we have mainly 3 hints: His nightmare, his succubus and what the winged lion says to him.
Why: — From what we see nightmares are based on the person’s worst fears and insecurities, both Laios’ and Marcille’s nightmare were closely tied to their dungeon lord wishes (Laios’ dream monster being summoned to crush the ghosts of relationships that represented the pressure to fit in and belong, Marcille seeking control over death and aging through magic to avoid loss), the fuel behind their desire/goal if you will. Fear and deep-seated desires are seemingly closely tied, something also supported by Thistle and Mithrun’s reigns as dungeon lords (Thistle proving his worth through fulfilling his given duty + protecting his loved ones, being listened to instead of having to listen, Mithrun escaping rigid two-faced elven society and living in a wonderland where he has no enemies and he’s loved, free from everyone he knew yet propped up by the person symbolizing his brother being chosen over him, the bastard child).
— I’ve talked about the significance I assign to the succubi often by now, but rundown: What we see of each character is all very telling if you care to listen, it shows not only someone’s "ideal form" but what they want from it. Izutsumi’s is familial, offering a hug and comfort, Marcille’s is romantic with a character she knows and loves, offering a kiss on a hand and a connection regardless of how distant it actually is, and Laios’ is platonic, arguable at first but then Laios’ fear of judgement is placated and he is offered the picture perfect friend group that accepts his interest (if you want my full look at Laios’ succubus go here). They take on the most alluring form, most ideal person of their victim, even uncovering deep subconscious desires, so precisely and effectively to the point it leaves victims physically frozen before the object of their desire. Succubi and the demon are themselves tied in lore and it’s easy to see how similar their core skill are. Succubi don’t give a good idea of what a character would wish for on their own but they certainly give hints on what they crave, regardless of how you want to read it.
— Last bit is self-explanatory. To placate Chilchuck and win his compliance over, the monster that reads your soul like an open book offers to give him something specific. But! It’s also important to remember that the lion isn’t offering to fulfill Chilchuck’s dream world wish here, it’s a second prize, because his goal with what he promised Laios is that they’d stay in this world, away from everyone and everything else. Chilchuck wants to get away but is kept back, and it’s here the lion placates him with "hey it’s okay! You can’t do that but I can still give you this! This is enough right? It’ll make everything easier on you".
What each bit says: — Long version in another post. Tldlr: His daughters and family are obviously important to him, and this reinforces that he takes on the role of protector a lot, he’s constantly worried for his party members’ lives and implicitly his family’s. Safety and stability, both economical and otherwise, are his core values and goals, and he berates both others and himself if someone fails on those fronts. Here, there’s the fear of not being enough, of not having been able to protect, and of course of loss.
— Chil’s succubi are obviously sexual, and not only that but agressively and straightforwardly so. It’s not like Marcille’s where there’s personality involved, all they do is give him sultry looks and pretty smiles before jumping on him. His succubi aren’t like Izutsumi’s, always the same exact person and appearance, so it’s not someone but an appealing general idea. The idea of a sexual being he can regard as simply a gorgeous piece of meat and a good time no strings attached. In my interpretation, especially with my reading of Laios’ succubus where even with deep-seated desires negative emotions can be too intense to effectively freeze a victim, I think this doesn’t contradict his character. Relationships have been painful to him in the past, in the succubus scene when his wife gets mentioned his immediate reaction is to yell "Don’t bring her up now!", like with his habit of drinking and as a tallman liking his senses feeling dulled, it’s about not having to feel emotions with how difficult they are to deal with sometimes and just feeling good, or at least not having to think, for a while. If a succubus showcases someone’s ideal connection with an ideal person, then Chilchuck’s is with a pretty person that doesn’t stir any negative memory or drama, someone low stakes and low maintenance that doesn’t require him to manage or talk out feelings because there’s none involved in the first place.
— Once more, wife and family are important! He does long for his family, not only his wife but his daughters, and vice versa. This suggests not only that he wants good relationships with them but that he wants them to be with him, a family life. Far from the cut communication they all more of less have during canon, and perhaps far from their life pre-canon when he worked away from home a significant amount of time. We’ve seen recreations of people by the winged lion before with doppelgangers and monsters (naga), and though he claims he can make satisfying imitations, what we’ve seen is that they base themselves on the best memories of that person, like with Marcille’s dad, or twist behavior to be more pleasant, like Mithrun’s lover (and possibly twist appearances depending on the person’s view of them, but that’s Mithrun analysis). The line does suggest Chilchuck would want his family members as they are in reality and not idealized versions, but the circumstances are chaotic and urgent enough in the scene (and again the lion isn’t fulfilling Chilchuck’s wish but trying to make him content for Laios’) that it could just be the winged lion saying what he needs to to convince him the fastest possible, and like we see with Laios that can crumble to give way to deeper or more complex desires.
On top of that we just have general info on Chil. How does Chilchuck deal w his issues? What does he like to do? He likes alcohol and ignoring his problems. We have to remember there is a split between what someone would consciously wish for and what their soul uncontrollably irrationally craves. As always with Dunmeshi, there’s a narrative of irrational deep-seated desires vs active wants, what you crave vs what you strive for, what you dream of vs what’s actually good for you, the animal vs the human inside you, heart vs mind. Chilchuck craving a harem of hot babes in his fantasies but wanting his family life & wife back again is not mutually exclusive. You may crave becoming a monster and tasting what humans are like a little but still want to save the world & your friends more.
Btw can we adress the irony of him terrified of being the last one alive, of being left by his daughters and wife, of having left and coming back home one day to see everything gone or rampaged, yet not caring about dying of liver failure himself, knowing every time that he enters a dungeon there’s a real risk he may not come out. Die somewhere I can’t see you. I prefer leaving you than being left behind. He’s selfish and shortsighted like that… Chilchuck is selfless in many ways of course, but perhaps also due to his own relationship with his parents, he often undermines the effects he has on others in his relationships, both the good and the bad (he talks himself down about being cowardly and greedy yes, but never hints at his bad health habits, alcoholism and starving himself, may have affected his loved ones, doesn’t question his wife falling into a bad mood the night before she left, and talks about the possibility of dying here and there very casually, though obviously he tries his best to stay alive when it doesn’t concern his health).
Chilchuck king of "Let me just avoid and ignore my problems surely they’ll go away, things might work out and if they don’t well tough luck I’ll survive and I probably deserve it anyways". If I don’t look at it it will dissapear <3 Why care when you can simply not think about it.
You might not understand Mister "my love will stay strong through months of work travel and also 4 years of separation" and Mister "well idk my siblings and me are kinda strangers and my dad is dead but that’s kinda whatever", but typically relationships need some form of maintenance and emotional availability…
The actual headcanons finally
I kinda have 2 routes in mind for dunlord Chil and both of them are centered on "I care too much, i wish things were easy", so first is a lot like his succubi, it’s full on indulging in his guilty pleasures like alcohol and bodies and it’s to keep him in a constant state of thrill and euphoria and distracted, unfeeling about stuff that really matters. "Nothing matters except that I’m enjoying the moment!" vibe. He gets to live a life worthy of Dionysus, with alcohol and women and debauchery and like— never having to think again, never having to feel anything but pleasure again, never have to feel guilty or shitty or angry or sad. He has a harem and gets everything on a silver platter.
Breaking news demon magic-induced rush of euphoria and power still not enough to cure this man of his self-hatred nor his capacity for thought!! But in his case a state of euphoria is what he seeks I think, to kinda mask or replace the Everything Else.
The other is what I think closer to what canon suggests, with what WL implied too with "I’ll make you a new wife and kids like the originals!! 😊", it’s a (spoilers) Wandavision type thing where it’s a slice of life where he’s never at work and always at home and the family eats lunches at the dinner table together and everything and everyone at any moment is just. Happy. No issues. It was all a dream, this is real and everything is fine and your family is perfect and happy. I like to think the timeline would be wonky, his daughters would fluctuate in age, but he’d want to be there for what he missed, would want them to still rely on him and look up to him like when they were young, would like to forget that they’re now independent adults and the distance that grew between Chilchuck and his siblings is happening between them as well. Chil would want doppelgangers of his family imo, at its core just a general wish for a peaceful happy family life with no drama, no need to compromise, a little paradise of unconditional love and no consequences. It’s for sure straightforward, but Chilchuck is a man with straightforward desires…
But see Chilchuck is a greedy man, and he wants it both ways without having to sacrifice anything or expanding any efforts himself. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. I think playing with these two opposite directions and mixing and matching is most fun. Him leading a life where he indulges in all his worst habits while still having everything he wants… Him getting to have BOTH his wife and any woman he can imagine up, his life like two sides of a coin he can flip at any moment where he’s partying then he’s at home enjoying the quiet and his toddler daughters playing with toys on the carpet. Christ when you remember it’s all an illusion that’s terrifying, the doppelgangers and succubi from the winged lion playing chilchuck ping pong.
A safe little haven both security-stability wise and emotionally. Gets to have both the relaxing and the thrilling in any dose he wants, mixed or separatedly. What I’d argue he had pre-canon too: Can live it up in taverns away from home, stays away from home for long periods of time, and can come back to home aka the symbol of relaxation and safety whenever he decides to. Something he can leave and come back to at will, an anchor he can trust in (until it’s taken from him and his wife leaves. Or in his worse nightmare people rush in and kill his daughters). The ideal of a house and family to a working man, perhaps…
I think it’s fun to think on wether or not these desires would be interesting at all to the winged lion… In canon he seeks out "rare/complex desires", common simple things like I imagine riches, sex, substances and pleasure would be are boring to him, he’s eaten those so many times already. So perhaps he wouldn’t last long as a dunlord, the WL would want to eat him fully quick, can’t keep him interested or waiting long for a meager meal, too much effort raising the cattle and too low quality meat. By making it more twisted or layered Chil’s desire would become more desirable to the demon, it’s part of what’s fun with the third option to me. But whatever. Has he ever eaten a guy with this much repression and self-sabotage... Like trying to get the meat out of a walnut, enrichment…
Other dunlord Chil takes I’ve seen that are fun and good:
@feelo-fick and @pluvio-floret have a dunlord Chilchuck AU project dubbed "tragedy AU" where Chilchuck is said to be "on vacation", in a weird delirious state, only half-there half of the time… From which he doesn’t want to wake up </3 Quoting Feelo, this is why the vacation thing is only a half-joke cause he is 1) letting all his responsibilities go 2) indulging in himself and 3) "spending time with his family" <- lie but you get what i mean. Additional comments that have me vigorously nodding: because changing is hard why cant things just be okay right now without the effort !!! Life is hard he’s so so tired he just wants to feel good… he just wants life to feel nice and easy for a sec while he can learn to breathe again and lose the stress and trauma he’s accumulated…….. spoiler alert yes !!! in fact a depressed person can suck themselves into their job and lock out the world who wouldve thought !!!
And then Cabinette I know posted about his dunlord take once but I don’t have the link, in which Chil has a lot of nosebleeds because of mana overload which is fun and interesting to think about imo~
In dunmeshi, where characters get underground pockets of the world as their playground disconnected from everything outside and the rest of the world, it’s important to remember to face reality even if it has conflict and people with different views and stances from you, it’s something Chilchuck and Marcille and everyone needed to learn, and the thing with a dungeon lord AU is that you imagine a timeline where he fails to <3
A timeline where his dungeon lord wish is to desire nothing bc hope and want has only ever hurt him would also go so hard. Very universal thing though I suppose.
… And this is why a Chilchuck-centric Coraline AU is really really interesting and fitting and topical— Ok that’ll go in a separate reblog/post at @Fumiku I need to let this end
#Dungeon meshi#chilchuck tims#Analysis#dungeon lord chilchuck#Spoilers#dungeon meshi manga spoilers#Wish we could put just parts of a post under a ‘click to read more’ box that scrolls open and closes neatly#Bc 3/4th of the post is just extra explanation for ppl who don’t See The Vision already but like that’s not what i wanted most of the post#to be really gdbdg#Headcanons#You could say the family also represents something he’s built up with how own hands. If he has self-worth issues and thinks he’s a screw-up#in the virtue/honor and likability department especially— his family destroyed/killed also represents the one biggest good thing#he’s done/created crumbling also. Like his wife leaving without a word while he trusted their relationship this can hugely impact#one’s sense of identity and self-worth and what you’re living life for. In his case it’s not too surprising he turned to simple#physical pleasures for comfort and enjoyment. Like with tasting good food having moments feeling good keeps you going#He always focuses on the bad relationships bring and never the good aghhhh#The reverse of Marcille who often idealizes. They both ignore problems in their relationships in opposite ways.#What do you mean why do i bring up marcille. Okay yes this’ll get a marchil Fumiku short brainstorm reblog as well#Chilchuck is so… curse of having feelings and not realizing the extent of them. Underestimating how much you care#It’s either ‘i’m fine who cares’ or falling into the pits of despair and blaming himself n spilling his whole bag no inbetween#Dunmeshi succubus#Fumi rambles#boy that’s what this boils down to i suppose#Family angst “Hey I came back home from work and i’m tired so don’t talk to me about problems or anything k? I’m here to relax smh damn”#< unwilling to admit he has issues he should be working on or that some things are affecting others negatively#Chil you are so enneagram 6w7 <3
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The current influx of people wanting to be morally superior than most trying to engage in fandoms and denounce basic fandom activities has made the internet more insufferable I’m sorry
I know I made a post about this before but it just grinds my gears so much. If you hate basic fandom things, why the fuck are you interacting then? Go and participate in the media you love the ‘right way’ if you wanna show how good of a person you are. The last thing we need is to revert back to times when engaging in fandom culture got you harassed. That is far more worse than someone wanting your traumatized, dead scrimblo to have a happy ending. So just shut up please omg 😭
I swear people care more about fictional characters than real people. It’s horrifying.
#꒰ v’s rambling ꒱#Yes this is about the Mouthwashing Fandom#And by Fandom I mean the Hatedom I suppose#Cause you can’t be going into fandoms like ‘Ummmmm isn’t the source material fucked up?? why are you making shitposts. that’s weird’#‘you’re missing the point of the game!!’ like no we’re not 😭#People have been doing this ever since#And it doesn’t show that we don’t care about the source material#We obviously fucking do if we’re creating content for it#Whether that be serious depictions or fun silly AUs#Plus the Devs literally make shitposts themselves like oh my god#Also by saying you wish Mouthwashing didn’t have a fandom you’re essentially saying you wish it never got a lot of support#Since guess what? Fandoms are inevitable when there’s a good piece of media that gets attention#And if you don’t like that you can fucking ignore us it isn’t hard
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no feeling quite like seeing someone make a harmless and valid post and then someone adds on and interprets it in the most vile and stupid manner possible accusing op of being ignorant and wrong and biased etc and that’s the version with a million notes but you’re like guys that is not what they were talking about at all and you know it
#it’s random and old but i’m thinking about a post where someone was like#’i love visiting europe bc they have so much cool old stuff. nothing in america really carries the weight of history’#and someone like clowned on them being like ‘this is such a eurocentric mindset this land is older than white settlers#it’s full of rich history but you only care about your own people’ or whatever#like man i think all they were saying is they wish the town they lived in had a bunch of castles and towers made of 400 year old stone.#they wanna see big visible tangible things#as opposed to having to travel to old historical sites like that#they yearn to see the history right around them. to live in and absorb that environment#you can blame someone else for america’s indigenous cultures having been either ignored or destroyed but like#op is not that person. they’re just romanticizing living in a quaint little village it’s fine it’s ok#they yearn for castles it’s fine#they don’t deserve to be killed bc they didn’t cover every ounce of nuance#peach rambles
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I miss you Lorna… this is such a mess
This is an old message and I had several other similar messages, but I miss you guys and hope you’re all doing well!! I’m sorry to see nothing has improved.
I saw I was kindly mentioned by @awesomefringey and some other commenters the other day, so just wanted to log in and say hello and log back out for a few more months. 💕
Sending so so much love to all of you. Take care of yourselves and each other, please.
The video is still on YT.
#Anywayyyyy#The fandom added a whole lot more C to my C-PTSD#So a nice random message every few months instead of a freshly posted death wish is LOVELY.#Don’t fret. On meds and therapied but fresh tf out of money from it so @ L and H�� lornasaurusrexx at g*ail is the PayPal if ur bored 🙃#I hate to be like this but protect your hearts. They’ll never be able to look out for you guys and they feed these trolls ammo for snacks#and it seems to have only gotten worse. Gotta keep them hets hetbaited for their money whilst actively encouraging them to bully yall? Why?#STILL!? At this point it feels like they’ve both chosen that path deliberately now and I find it quite gross. but I’m also very far removed#So don’t worry about my opinions. Keep trusting your own intuition!!! You all see it. I love you guys and your beautiful hearts and empathy#But I hope they can sleep at night knowing the absolute fucking genuine WRECKAGE they left across the Big Gay War generation/era of Larries#Don’t worry guys I’m just as dramatic as ever. None of this has anything to do with them coming out or anything. Just how we were treated.#But trust I fuckin mean that shit from the deepest darkest pit of my Demon Larrie™️ heart. They encouraged this. 🤷🏼♀️#Anyone who cares about my actual life updates: I’m a school nurse now and will be working at a bougie summer camp over break#Had a surgery I needed. Got new tattoos and piercings. In a happy and healthy relationship with the best dude for almost a year now.#OH and I went to New Zealand last year with Prettytruthsandlies!!!! We made a pact back in our Big Gay War/college days to go. And we DID!!#I got overstimulated and overfed and puked in Hobbiton. 🤣 (It was the best time of my LIFE GENUINELY🥰🥰🥰🥰🥹🥹🥹)#Okay BYE LOVE YOU GUYS#There are better and more humane ways to maintain a closet ..like literally STFU entirely. Ignoring it and not exploiting a kid is FREE#🇵🇸
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Someone just told me that they saw someone post a tshirt that they bought off of redbubble with my art on it uhhh
#crying into my shirt rn#you can’t do any fucking thing about art theft and the ppl who buy the shit don’t care where they’re getting their merch from just as long#as they can fit the shit#rambling#I bought stolen art of kurama back when I was younger off of eBay since I wanted a case for my iPod but#I was younger then and didn’t know any better… never again though :(#I know how it feels man#sometimes I wished I never started posting my art online man#it sucks since this was a commission for someone so it’s even more ignorant to take an idea that someone else wanted me to draw for them#and wear it on their body…
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I think that at least 60% of this fandom should actually take the time to educate itself about the Clint prior to Fraction’s Clint before we can start this whole debate about the co-existence of characterizations. Because more than half of this fandom doesn’t know anything about him other than his depression or don’t care to include anything other than “dumpster fire coffee addict” and that in itself is depressing.
#this is in regards to a post that was on my dash but I lost it#and I wish I could find it again to say this so I’m saying it here#again I don’t hate fraction’s Clint I just wish more of you cared about Clint before that#and be realistic because if you scroll through the Hawkeye tag you can see it plain as day#Clint prior to this adaption is lost on a lot of you#and you ignore that Clint in favor to like… his lowest point#hawkzeyes
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I know that wot show recommendation post has broken containment bc it’s starting to get some show hate in the tags lol
#don’t care + didn’t ask + stop being annoying + go to Reddit if ur gonna do that#‘have the creators even read the books’ I wish I was as dumb as you. it’d be blissful living in ignorance
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ik i’ve said before but it kind of (not kind of it really does) agitates me how people talk about mk12 kuai liang because it really does show that people want nothing but to baby him. like, people don’t really anything interesting to say about him besides he’s a good guy. yes he is a good guy. but is he not more? i get mk12’s story does write to be THE good guy to be bi-han’s foil, but i keep on thinking about how kuai liang was going to kill bi-han but no one really cares about discussing that as a part of kuai liang’s character in this story.
i’ve also said before that kuai liang and scorpion clash as characters and fit together well as separate characters, not as one character, but scorpion kuai liang could have been a somewhat good character and i do think that scene of him almost bashing bi-han’s head in with his chains shows potential in something interesting. kuai liang’s story is a struggle against the old lin kuei, but couldn’t it also be a struggle against himself? couldn’t it be a proper clashing of his self-control and the urge to act on only emotions?
seeing kuai liang keep a hold on himself until the reveal of their father’s death is (well not is but could’ve been) a fascinating flaw of his character. i think we should’ve actually seen a build up of his frustration towards bi-han growing over the course of the story, but keeping a cool head until he finally snapped.
but there really isn’t talk about that scene. there isn’t any care about his negative traits. there isn’t any care about him besides the want to just call him traumatized.
#don’t take any of this me actually liking mk12 scorp. if they had handled him differently i would have liked him better but i really do#despise mk12 scorp#this post is just annoyance at fandom treatment of him + what could have been done with mk12 scorp#also to add the thing that should’ve made him snapped was his brother’s betrayal ALONE and not actually cause of his involvement with their#father’s death#considering we don’t know anything about him nor enough to really care about on the same level of someone like jerrod#like of course if he was close with his father learning of how he died should effect him deeply#but it's a lame reaction with an even lamer build up to the reaction/not really showing his and bihan's relationship ruined that reaction#BUT we all already know that anyways.#it's just odd considering kuai is a very well liked and one of the most popular character that is relatively understood well by the entire#fandom for their to be such a lack of wanting to understand a new version of him by ignoring certain factors about him#like sorry to tell you but he also changed!!!! like everyone else he’s changed!!!!#sigh. i wish this game didn’t exist so it stopped tormenting me#talking;#kuai liang#not a dig at anyone specific. just an annoyance at the general fandom
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you ever just see a post and just
. 😭
.⬅️🫀⬅️
#Worst emoji combo ever but it’s gon be such big depression hours down here so scroll if you want im on the brink of throwing up#don’t you just bloody love it how over the past 3 years you’ve only seen people the large total of…. 4 times!!! An average of seeing someon#outside of school 1.3 times per year!! What a bloody fantastic way to spend your teenage years!#Don’t you also just love it when people talk right to you about how they all went out together over the weekend and like did some stupid#shit like your average high schooler would do and you’re just like “oh. I went to my 1 and a half hour long dance class and got ignored the#entire time and when you did try to talk they just spoke over you” oh my fucking god I hate that place so much even the teacher fucking#ignores me once we were going in a circle and she was asking everyone what they got for Christmas and I was in the middle of the circle so#thought hey maybe someone will actually acknowledge my existence but she fucking ignored me and went to next person like why the fuck#And now I’m debating staying in that shithole bc I was invited to a gc for that class and I stupidly thought that someone might want me#There. I wasn’t even invited I secretly scanned the qr code to join over someone else’s shoulder#everyone else there is the best of bloody friends and I’m just there talking to one friend who I don’t even think is my friend#“Hey man I’m really fucking sad rn can I talk to you” “womp womp have you heard stupid fact no.3848594 about my ocs while I ignore you when#you talk about anything else about me” oh my god shut up literally no one else sane would see someone like that their closest friend rn#At least someone wants to talk to me#Like what is it that makes people not want to see my please just tell me I’ll change I’m amazing at changing my personality to fit others#promise me on that I’ve done it my entire life#Even just messaging me more than once every year and I’d consider you my best friend this is how bad I’m getting#What is so bloody bad about me that no one else likes I don’t care how badly you fucking word it just something#It shouldn’t be normal to wish death on people you call your mates bc you heard about them all going out together without you#Oh dear did the gc’s without me in it there’s one for every friend group I’ve ever been in why isn’t there one for the main group I’m in rn#Idfc anymore just tell me what I’m doing wrong I keep asking people if they want to go out or how far away they live from some place#And it’s always met with ignoring me talking over me or immediately changing the subject#Please if you’re someone I know irl what the fuck am I doing fucking wrong I can’t fucking do this anymore be as mean as you like#Why the fuck does no one ever want to be around me why do I hear so much about stuff others are doing together but never me#It shouldn’t be normal to prefer being in a toxic relationship than what I’m in rn#I fucking hate everything
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Someone please start talking to me about the new ant-man I’m going to burst if I don’t have someone to talk to soon.
#you hate it you love it I don’t care#just TALK to me#because my feelings about it are all over the place#times like these are when I wish I was normal and didn’t get so attached to fictional characters#whatoh back at it again#ant-man#ant man quantumania#antman quantamania#scott lang#i especially need to talk about THIS MAN HOLY SHIT#GUYS YOU DONT UNDERSTAND#WHY ARE YOU ALL IGNORING HOW AMAZING SCOTT WAS#HOW FANTASTIC PAUL WAS????#whatoh talks antman
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It’s been a rough couple of weeks. Anxiety run amok. Tried to distract myself by playing through Super Mario Bros, but I’ll be honest, that was stressing me out pretty bad trying to get through some of those levels. Unrelated but coincidentally (tangentially?), after an intense bit of playing, my anxiety flared up majorly. Heart racing, skin painfully prickled, lungs failing me. Oh well. That’s what drugs are for. So instead I started Death Stranding, which my little brother gifted me for Christmas a couple of years back but I just never got around to committing to. Much better choice. It feels like the perfect distraction for me right now. Frankly, I’m lonely. I feel cut off from the world. I’m scared and anxious and I have no idea what the future holds for me, but it feels bleak. So it’s nice to pop into this little world where you’re trying to make connections and explore the world, even if it is just a video game. It’s giving me something positive to focus on right now.
I just thought I’d make a text post. Mention a game I like. Just folded some laundry, I’m on my 3rd bowl of cereal right now, and I’ll do some dishes when I’m done. Trying to keep on moving forward. More bullshit in the tags.
#my anxiety has cleared up quite a bit these past few days#but now I’m trying to go without klonopin so we’ll see how that lasts#and I have an audiologist appointment tomorrow so that might be a big source of depression and anxiety#can’t wait to roll in there at 8:30 in the morning just to be told AGAIN that my hearing is just fucked and can’t be helped#which… is what I expect… I just wish there was more… empathy? sympathy? something soothing behind their words.#I also finally scheduled a therapy appointment but it’s not for a couple of weeks 😕#taking care of yourself sucks!#anyway things are okay right now right here in this moment. I’ll deal with the rest as it comes I suppose#I was getting way too serious with super mario#I play on a snes mini and even with custom save states I was getting too stressed out. it was bad for my health.#which sounds like an over exaggeration but it just wasn’t fun after awhile#but Death Stranding is awesome. even just the walking parts I love#I love seeing other players’ contributions to the world. all the random signs and structures they put up.#I don’t know what else to add to all of this#I really thought I’d have more exciting tags than this#this isn’t important#you can ignore this#text
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Remember when they could pretend all the anti trans bills were to protect children from predators and now that want to just. Stop anyone ever from transitioning?
#transphobia#I’m not one to wish death on real people often but Trumple and many others who are pushing for this shit I wish you a very quick death#it’s so fucking funny how they convinced ppl children are getting surgeries at like age 12#when grown ass adults can’t even decide to have them tubes tied or orgasms removed#when there are children in abusive homes who reach out for help but are ignored bc they are seen as toruble makers or the parents just lie#but like ten people can hold the majority of the wealth in one country#I’m not even out to anyone I don’t even know if I want any kind of surgery#but so many people are going to kill themselves if this kind of shit passes#so many people who are already on HRT or other hormones will mill themselves if that is taken away#so many scared teens and young adults who had their hearts set on one day TRYING hormones and socially translating will mill themselves#and politicians do not care. it was NEVER about children bc the children are who they are killing#I am just. die please all of you if you can fish it out I order you to take it
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being poor in America is just like
I did exactly what adults told me to do, I did it how they told me to do it, I followed their exact advice for how to succeed in this country. And I failed. I keep failing.
my teachers, my parents, everybody, told me “all you have to do to succeed in America is get a college degree in anything except English or History and you will succeed. Know how to write a cover letter and a resume, have excellent grammatical and spelling skills, especially in writing. Be polite and sit up straight. Look people in the eye when you greet them. Smile, firm handshake. Get good grades in college and do extracurricular activities that you can put on your resume. Do that, et voila, success will come to you.”
sooo I did all that.
Except, hey, turns out.
That advice was a recipe for success in the 1980s, aka about the last time any one of those adults had needed to find a job. Not a single adult ever said to me “Hey, tech and bioscience and computer programming and IT are the future, and soon will be the only skill sets society values at all in an employee. networking and knowing the “right people” will be the only true ways to lucrative employment. how do you meet the right people? by networking. how do you network? by knowing the right people, of course.” which is of course really just to say that the rich look after their own and only their own, but NO ONE EVER TOLD ME THAT!!!!
i was a little shit as a kid, but i WOULD HAVE LISTENED. i did exactly what all the authority figures in my life told me to do. and it was garbage advice, all of it. no one prepared me for adulthood. my parents actively pulled the rug out from under me by both kicking me out at 18 and then letting me begrudgingly live in their basement or their storage room when my bedroom was literally just a junk room for my mom’s hoarding habit and making me pay rent and buy my own food on a minimum wage job and wouldn’t even pay for me to go to drivers ed and then bitched about how I lived in their house and didn’t drive and didn’t have a car but only bc they wouldn’t send me to drivers ed or teach me to drive at all and they also mocked me for not being able to drive and having to walk everywhere but didn’t have an answer for why they wouldn’t help me either and they knew i couldn’t afford it with the fucking pennies i was making working at a fucking gas station
#it’s my blog and i’ll cry if i want to#just ignore me it’s bad bad bad rn#I need to rant#and all my fucking friends had parents who were like w/e live with us however long u want we don’t care we love u#driver’s ed? well you’re 16 now aren’t ya?#like it wasn’t even a QUESTION that they’d send their kids to drivers ex as soon as they turned 16#my parents were like ‘we don’t want you just OUT THERE you’re not RESPONSIBLE enough to be TRUSTED to HANDLE driving driving is a PRIVILEGE#one that I have not EARNED because you’re AWFUL and also we HATE YOU and wish u would just GO AWAY FOREVER.
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🧠🔫🧿
#get up get up get up#get going get going get going#get doing get doing get doing#get out get out GET OUT#SAVE YOURSELF#FORGIVENESS AND UNDERSTANDING DOES NOT EXIST IN THEIR CONTROL PRIDE MISERY ABD FAILURE#LIVE YOUR LIFE#FUCK THEM#THEY WILL ASK YOU WHY ARE YOU SCREAMING THEYLL TELL YIU TO BE QUIET YOU DID YOU DIED NOW AGAIN SPIRIT DEAD#I WILL REVIVE AND RESURRECT MYSELF THROUGH THE GUIDANCE OF GOD AND THE DESTRUCTION OF MY SPIRIT BY THOSE WHOVE CARED&LOVED ME & MY OBIDENCE#GET THEM OFF OF ME#I AM ME#I KNOW WHO I AM I KNOW WHO I COULD#BE#GET AWAY AND OFF OF ME NO COMMENTARY GIVE ME FREE#I DONT CARE ABOUT MOTHER OR FATHER OR FAMILIAL OBLIGATIONS#30 years and instead of help saving her family I wish I’d gotten thee fuck away#fuck saving those lepers those leeches I don’t even look like them my mom doesn’t even look like them#if my saving myself fails#I’ll burn their villages down while their stood in it or drain my blood of this dna and genetics#I love you mom I’m sorry you had to live so miserably I’m sorry I couldn’t make it better without signing my life away to your ways and plan#I wasn’t listened to or protected at 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 from the evil inside your people culture religion and tradition and community#at 31 32 33 34 you said I was the cause of all of it bc I didn’t listen#I listened for four years and it is only this month that I see why I was the victim of so many insidious permissible bc of country#it is bc of her blind loyalty love and survivors remorse trauma and willful ignorance and power and control and shame and optics of public#a public that prayed on her downfall and talked about her in disrespectful ways in their mother tongue in front of your only child as child#lolllllllllllll#I pray I redeem my spirit these past 4 years#I pray I save myself from this misery from this attempt at providing happiness stability saving#Godforbid I fail I pray for the courage to end my life before being forced to give it.
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Traffic is bad 😭 Give me more time to mentally prepare myself to see my grandma and my aunt though 🤪
#i should have shut up it’s not block anymore fksbkdns#but it’s still an hour away#it may be the last time we see Puppy’s mother though that’s good bittersweet but good#i was afraid she would leave us before I could see her again :(#my grandma says she look a bit sick but at the same time she’s will be 16yo on January 7th it’s normal she’s not 100% healthy :(#I’m still going to complain#i wish my dad understood how blind he is and how unwelcome we are there ?????#and how bad they prefer my brother over me 😭#i don’t care anymore but it’s still the truth#the other year after covid (well after quarantine cause covid still exist) was okay cause I just had to ignore my aunt#(she was horrible to me one year cause she hates me a big fight happen)#but last time I saw my grandma she also said something mean to me 😐#it was more about what I did (cuddle to me mom yes your read that write just that) she call me a baby and say she thinks it’s disgusting#when people cuddle ??????? so yeah I haven’t seen her since cause wtf was that I already fell like she dosen’t like me THAT MUCH#she like me but not more than that I think#anyway!#tonight will be awkward but like usual I’ll be in my little corner with my Mom distracting myself drawing or playing#or hang out with my 13 and 9yo cousins#THEY like me especially the youngest I think well mostly cause the other is a teen you know teens bcksbzjdb#i don’t usually hang out with my brother but I will if I need to ckdbdjjd#wish me luck 😭#it’s dark so I’ll make a Christmas message later and give you a pic of Puppy as a gift 🫶#alex.txt
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