#but now I’m trying to go without klonopin so we’ll see how that lasts

[floral-hex]

It’s been a rough couple of weeks. Anxiety run amok. Tried to distract myself by playing through Super Mario Bros, but I’ll be honest, that was stressing me out pretty bad trying to get through some of those levels. Unrelated but coincidentally (tangentially?), after an intense bit of playing, my anxiety flared up majorly. Heart racing, skin painfully prickled, lungs failing me. Oh well. That’s what drugs are for. So instead I started Death Stranding, which my little brother gifted me for Christmas a couple of years back but I just never got around to committing to. Much better choice. It feels like the perfect distraction for me right now. Frankly, I’m lonely. I feel cut off from the world. I’m scared and anxious and I have no idea what the future holds for me, but it feels bleak. So it’s nice to pop into this little world where you’re trying to make connections and explore the world, even if it is just a video game. It’s giving me something positive to focus on right now.

I just thought I’d make a text post. Mention a game I like. Just folded some laundry, I’m on my 3rd bowl of cereal right now, and I’ll do some dishes when I’m done. Trying to keep on moving forward. More bullshit in the tags.

[neednothavehappenedtobetrue]

my mom is worried about me becoming "agoraphobic," which is much more dangerous, apparently, than the Delta variant, and as a consequence they won't take any more precautions before visiting me/while here than I can back up with cited sources, because <their> sources say it's safe. this is For My Mental Health.

they cannot bodily drag me into a restaurant and also I don't think they can make me go to church, especially given that my pastor knows I do not want to be there right now.

they want to bring my aunt, who is an in-person middle school teacher and I'm Being Irrational About It, but honestly, I might be able to go around them directly to her, because she is probably one of her more reasonable sisters.

I'm like "this is my birthday celebration, theoretically For Me, could we do it in a way that will minimize my stress?" but no, because of Agoraphobia.

I am pretty sure "just do things you hate for your birthday with people who are mean about your feelings" is not even a real agoraphobia treatment even without the whole "the Delta variant exists and is real" thing.

if I'm like "this is making me anxious" and they are like "take a klonopin," instead of modifying their plans for my! birthday! I am going to do a homicide, I am pretty sure Zoe and the building friends would post bail at this point.

like sometimes you do gotta take a klonopin and do the scary thing, but COVID isn't imaginary and it's not over!

also they SUCK about eating disorder stuff just SO MUCH and it's going to be terrifying to eat in front of my mother and they're going to be Maximally Weird And Bad about it.

We had Boundaries Debate Team Round One over the phone today, which I lost pretty badly. and my last attempt was "okay, when I see you, I really need you not to comment, positively or otherwise on my depression-related weight loss, because I feel weird about it and would very much prefer not to hear about it."

this is a very easy thing to do! it requires like 5% effort on her part.

she was like "why? how much weight did you lose?"

I am not confident enough in my objectivity to describe her tone as "perky" or "excited" about the prospect of my significant medical-related weight loss, but also, she has been perky about that stuff before and it certainly felt that way now! this SUCKS.

I would consider having my therapist talk to them but when I was a teenager my baby therapist was routinely like "here is a low-effort thing you can do to reduce your daughter's experience of suffering and/or risk of literally dying" and they were just like "no," to her face.

she was the only therapist I've ever had who has not tried to be like "have you tried relying on your parents more when you're struggling?" and I think it was because she met them.

current therapist is doing a weird thing like "I know they're shitty, but it might be better to have more support than to have less support and also less of their garbage" which is not a calculus I buy at this time.

my mother has severe, active unacknowledged Food Dysfunction, actively pushed me to have worse Food Dysfunction throughout my life, and thinks I should be eating less food, right now, when I am making myself physically ill from inadequate calories.

she is as unqualified to be on my ED support team as it is possible to be! it's like my house is on fire and she is both "literally on fire all of the time, with flames shooting out of her mouth whenever she opens it" and also "an arsonist on purpose." my mother is a dragon arsonist and will not help my house be less on fire!

if my Coolest Aunt was the one being brought to this Involuntary Birthday Experience I would definitely loop her in like "hey I've been having trouble eating c/o depression and I'm incredibly self-conscious and stressed when people comment on it, even positively, please shut them down when they try," and she would! but she also gives a shit about COVID and is not traveling and I don't know if Second Coolest Aunt is cool enough for this. also, I don't want to see her! we'll see.

[lskyln]

The Last Few Days......Running The Rat Race

Meeting with my psychiatrist.. Wednesday I finally got in to meet with my psychiatrist, to get refills of my medications and my antipsychotic shot.  Trust me, I need these or its down the rabbit hole I go, and my mind was headed that way at a fast skip.

 Since I had a list of medications I had been on and had been working pretty good for me,  we stayed with them.  I take abilify- long acting shot, clexa- an antidepressant, klonopin- a benzodiapine that is used for anxiety, and to help keep me from having movement disorder problems, ativan-another benzodiazipine used only for my pseudo seizures, buspar- an older medication, I'm not sure what class its in but it also helps with anxiety, and vivance- a stimulant for my ADHD that I'm trying to get filled at the moment.  They want me to try two other medications first, which I already have in Idaho, so the doctor is trying to push it through,  Seems like quite a handful, but there are serious problems if  I don't take them, which you can read about on my Psych Issues page.    I am also trying to get signed up for therapy, but things sometimes don't move as fast as I'd like them too. My eye appointment... I had to give in and go get an eye appointment because I was down to my last contacts and one was warped.  I went to Americas Best because I really like how for the same price as a regular eye appointment I get 5 of them.  Well I had a big surprise waiting.  It turns out the way I was using my contacts, never taking them

out, sleeping in them, ect cause scaring and a big hole on my eye, so big you could see it without a microscope.  I am having to wear my old glasses because doing an exam wouldn't give me the right result, it would change.  So I'm wearing my glasses and having to put drops in my eyes 4 times a day.  It's really hard to remember that many times, but its suppose to help fill in the hole and help the swelling and scaring.  I guess we'll see, but I'm stuck in glasses for a week, and using eyes drops.   Finally got into a pain doctor... I started at Utah Valley Pain Clinic.  I was amazed at the set up they have in their clinic.  I was out of my medications and in a Tartive Dyskinesia attack because I was out of the methadone that I was put on for that disorder years ago.  I hate being on it as it is a VERY dangerous drug.  It is very easy to overdose on because it has a very long half life, which means basically how long it takes for the drug to reach half the amount given in your system, and it goes though 6 different channels in your liver.  It can cause many different problems,

and they don't prescribe it, unless you come in already on it.  We are going to taper off and try some other options.  I also take percet 10's and I've been on them along time and have become tolerant, so we decided to go down to norco 10's as it would be like taking a new drug.  They were wrong here.  I've been in so much pain that I basically can't get out of bed, walk, and when I do I have to consistently use my walker, and I can't change anything till I finish their protocol.  But I was very lucky as they did prescribe me some medications for a few weeks.  The pain doctors protocol... The pain doctors meet with you, both the doctor and his nurse practitioner and check you out.  Then they have you take a psychological test, and meet with a psychologist.  Some pain is in your mind, especially if you've been in chronic pain.  So he tested if I had psych issues which I was honest and told him  that I'm crazy.  We both laughed at that.  And we basically just talked and I told him the problems I've had with doctors.  Where I'm trying to get to and it doesn't include a lot of pain medication, but I'm stuck until Rheumatology can find the right medication to help me, or actually see me at all.  They can't get me in till October.  Then I told him I was on psych medications through wasatch, and that I'd also be doing therapy to help me set boundaries in relationships so I don't lose myself in them, boundaries with myself, and work on my PTSD without having to relive everything.    They they sent me to a physical therapist at Intermountain Physical Therapy.  There I met and talked to a guy named Roger who has come up with a new way for people with fibromyalgia.  He has learned how through a special workout twice a week to reprogram the nervous system when it comes to this type of pain.  This is new, within the last 3 to 5 years.  The only problem is if I go to him I'll lose my home health all together.  So he called Ben, my PT who comes to my house and told him how to do this program.  So he's going to implement it.  It's been shown to reduce fibromyalgia pain by 40 to 60%.  I'm very excited about this, ad this may take a

big chunk of my pain away, who knows? The last piece of the protocol... The last piece was to go to a two hour lecture on opioids.  We learned a lot, how some opioids even cause more pain.  How it can build up in your system, and cause an overdose, and many other things about opioids.  Then all of them get together, the doctors, the psychologist, and the physical therapist and they discuss your case and what they think would be the best way to help you.  I really like this multiple approach so far.  I hate however that they are unable to change anything medication wise till I finished this protocol.  I've been in tears through half of everything because the pain is so intense.  Every joint in my body feels broken, and my feet have neuropathology,  and are swollen and feel like tire irons are being shoved through them.   It's made me feel lonely, anxious, unable to care for myself, and unbearable.   Well this is a catch up of the last week.  I'm going to write every day to every other, to let you in on my life and how I feel, what's going on, are things getting better or worse, ect.  I hope you all will enjoy my honesty, and

candor, while maybe learning a few things along the way.   Please donate.. At the end of every post I'm going to ask you to donate, what you can, to help me get my companion puppy.  She would be such a comfort right now with the pain I'm in.  Please help me realize my dream.   Click to Post