#but now I’m trying to go without klonopin so we’ll see how that lasts

[floral-hex]

It’s been a rough couple of weeks. Anxiety run amok. Tried to distract myself by playing through Super Mario Bros, but I’ll be honest, that was stressing me out pretty bad trying to get through some of those levels. Unrelated but coincidentally (tangentially?), after an intense bit of playing, my anxiety flared up majorly. Heart racing, skin painfully prickled, lungs failing me. Oh well. That’s what drugs are for. So instead I started Death Stranding, which my little brother gifted me for Christmas a couple of years back but I just never got around to committing to. Much better choice. It feels like the perfect distraction for me right now. Frankly, I’m lonely. I feel cut off from the world. I’m scared and anxious and I have no idea what the future holds for me, but it feels bleak. So it’s nice to pop into this little world where you’re trying to make connections and explore the world, even if it is just a video game. It’s giving me something positive to focus on right now.

I just thought I’d make a text post. Mention a game I like. Just folded some laundry, I’m on my 3rd bowl of cereal right now, and I’ll do some dishes when I’m done. Trying to keep on moving forward. More bullshit in the tags.

[neednothavehappenedtobetrue]

my mom is worried about me becoming "agoraphobic," which is much more dangerous, apparently, than the Delta variant, and as a consequence they won't take any more precautions before visiting me/while here than I can back up with cited sources, because <their> sources say it's safe. this is For My Mental Health.

they cannot bodily drag me into a restaurant and also I don't think they can make me go to church, especially given that my pastor knows I do not want to be there right now.

they want to bring my aunt, who is an in-person middle school teacher and I'm Being Irrational About It, but honestly, I might be able to go around them directly to her, because she is probably one of her more reasonable sisters.

I'm like "this is my birthday celebration, theoretically For Me, could we do it in a way that will minimize my stress?" but no, because of Agoraphobia.

I am pretty sure "just do things you hate for your birthday with people who are mean about your feelings" is not even a real agoraphobia treatment even without the whole "the Delta variant exists and is real" thing.

if I'm like "this is making me anxious" and they are like "take a klonopin," instead of modifying their plans for my! birthday! I am going to do a homicide, I am pretty sure Zoe and the building friends would post bail at this point.

like sometimes you do gotta take a klonopin and do the scary thing, but COVID isn't imaginary and it's not over!

also they SUCK about eating disorder stuff just SO MUCH and it's going to be terrifying to eat in front of my mother and they're going to be Maximally Weird And Bad about it.

We had Boundaries Debate Team Round One over the phone today, which I lost pretty badly. and my last attempt was "okay, when I see you, I really need you not to comment, positively or otherwise on my depression-related weight loss, because I feel weird about it and would very much prefer not to hear about it."

this is a very easy thing to do! it requires like 5% effort on her part.

she was like "why? how much weight did you lose?"

I am not confident enough in my objectivity to describe her tone as "perky" or "excited" about the prospect of my significant medical-related weight loss, but also, she has been perky about that stuff before and it certainly felt that way now! this SUCKS.

I would consider having my therapist talk to them but when I was a teenager my baby therapist was routinely like "here is a low-effort thing you can do to reduce your daughter's experience of suffering and/or risk of literally dying" and they were just like "no," to her face.

she was the only therapist I've ever had who has not tried to be like "have you tried relying on your parents more when you're struggling?" and I think it was because she met them.

current therapist is doing a weird thing like "I know they're shitty, but it might be better to have more support than to have less support and also less of their garbage" which is not a calculus I buy at this time.

my mother has severe, active unacknowledged Food Dysfunction, actively pushed me to have worse Food Dysfunction throughout my life, and thinks I should be eating less food, right now, when I am making myself physically ill from inadequate calories.

she is as unqualified to be on my ED support team as it is possible to be! it's like my house is on fire and she is both "literally on fire all of the time, with flames shooting out of her mouth whenever she opens it" and also "an arsonist on purpose." my mother is a dragon arsonist and will not help my house be less on fire!

if my Coolest Aunt was the one being brought to this Involuntary Birthday Experience I would definitely loop her in like "hey I've been having trouble eating c/o depression and I'm incredibly self-conscious and stressed when people comment on it, even positively, please shut them down when they try," and she would! but she also gives a shit about COVID and is not traveling and I don't know if Second Coolest Aunt is cool enough for this. also, I don't want to see her! we'll see.