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hwnglx · 3 days ago

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bts as fathers

based on tarot. i do not know these idols personally. energies are always changing. what i say is NOT straight fact. pls take it with a grain of salt!

note; i didn't continue with the second question for every member, since the answer was understandable on the first and they didn't feel entirely comfortable with me diving deeper. pls remember that this reading, is not me making any carved in stone predictions; but it's solely the energy i pick up on, at this specific point in time. enjoy the read ♡ˊ͈ ꒳ ˋ͈

seokjin

would he like to become a father?

seokjin seems quite intimidated by fatherhood. i can see the main thing holding him back, being his own insecurities, and fear of the responsibility, he sees as huge. currently, seokjin doesn't see himself as someone who's capable of carrying that “burden”, since he does recognize the amount of work it requires to raise a child. it can be a lot to deal with, very tiring, and obviously you never really get a break. he's worried about not being able to give his kids what they deserve.

what would he be like as a father?

in all honestly, he'd be a great father. seokjin's ability to light up every situation he's in, would also make itself visible when it comes to filling his kid's life with genuine happiness.

a lot of joy, i keep hearing children laughing. the type of father who'd sit down the sandbox himself and squeeze his long legs into that tiny space, just to play with his kids, and entertain their little imaginations, like building a sand castle. he'd genuinely value them feeling seen, and acknowledged.

i can also see him becoming the type of father who's very protective, probably more prone to getting worried easily. a father who wants to make sure his children grow up confidently; knowing their worth and their value.

additionally, he could want to teach his kids the importance of standing up for themselves. not being afraid of speaking up when it's necessary. i keep hearing his (lovingly nagging) voice in my head. he would give them verbal lessons, that are more on the gentle and playful side but effective enough, and encourage them in that manner.

i can see seokjin wanting to go against the more traditional ways of upbringing, and allowing his kids more freedom. i really don't see him being this extremely strict father, who slams his iron fist on the table, but moreso as someone who thinks it's important to focus on providing his children with a happy and stable childhood, and family life. fulfilling their wishes, not being so restrictive or stern. he doesn't want his kids to lie to him, or have to rebel and sneak out. he'd want his children to be honest and upright.

i can feel him wanting to lead by example, and be a rolemodel his children can look up to; a father they're proud of. this could be the reason he has a lot of insecurities in this regard. seokjin wants to be the best father he can be for his kids, and might feel he isn't really there yet. he feels he's too immature and not wise enough yet, to be a good enough example.

yoongi

would he like to become a father?

i don't really see yoongi being interested in having kids. he's someone who can be immensely independent, and focused on himself first and foremost. like all i see in the spread is him. (several impulsive knights) i don't see yoongi liking the thought of having to stay put and limiting himself in his freedom. he likes being a free spirit who can just live on his own terms, according to what he himself wants to do, in whatever moment. (i also often get this feeling it's quite understandable in his eyes, he seems to carry this mindset of “it's my life, of course i'll spend it the way i want to”)

the thought of having children seems to cause worries and anxiety in him. it stresses him out, and i feel him preferring to avoid the topic, so i won't dive in much further.

hobi

would he like to become a father?

hobi's thoughts seem a little conflicting here. his energy felt lighter in regards to this topic before, he could've done a lot of reflecting and serious pondering on it ever since.

what i'm strongly feeling, is that hobi believes he'd definitely have to step up to the plate responsibly; he'd have to man up, and mature. his thoughts seem to consist of a lot of.. “am i really there already?”

he thinks that he'd have to put his toxic habits and more selfishly driven desires behind for the sake of his kids.

there's this feeling of.. “my life won't be just about me anymore.” hobi believes becoming a father would require him to tap into the more humble, grounded and selfless side of him, that is fully focused on providing for someone else.

he's also aware there's still a lot of things he'd have to heal, confront and actively work on when it comes to himself.

what would he be like as a father?

hobi feels like it's a given for him to take on the role of the strong and dependable provider, who gives his family a sense of stability; the one his children can comfortably lean on.

there is this worry in terms of him perhaps not having built a financial ground that's reliable enough yet, in his eyes. not only for himself, but if hobi was to ever have children, that'd be incredibly important to him. i keep getting this feeling of.. “i need to lay the necessary groundwork, so that my family can have it easy.”

i can also see hobi as a father, who'd be very supportive when it comes to his children's goals and ambitions. the type who's glad to guide his kids into the direction they want to go down, push and encourage them in a way where they feel confident in their abilities. i do think he'd be quite good at finding this balance between being strict enough for them to take him seriously, but also focus on uplifting them.

namjoon

would he like to become a father?

it's interesting, because the moon has made an appearance for almost everyone from the hyung line till now. the card can be about things being hidden, deception, confusion, insecurity, uncertainty, fear, anxiety. the topic of having kids is understandably of more complex nature.

namjoon also seems to feel a level of intimidation at the thought of having kids. it's understandably a concept unfamiliar to him, which can be scary. however, considering the following two of wands; this is like him contemplating on taking a step out of the dark.

i can see namjoon feeling ready if he feels like his life, his surroundings, his mindset, and basically everything possibly affecting his children, is calm, balanced, and in harmony. he wants to welcome them into a pleasant environment.

interestingly, though a sense of reluctance and fear is definitely present, he does seem to think that, once it's the right time, he'll approach fatherhood in an open-minded and ever-learning manner. he knows he won't be perfect from the beginning, but there's a part of him that wants to humbly learn as he progresses.

note; this is a passing thought i keep having, but i could picture namjoon adopting children.

what would he be like as a father?

he'd be quite broad-minded, in a way where he wouldn't be a rigid father who puts intense restrictions on his kids. namjoon would put a lot of importance into raising his children as independent and self-sufficient individuals, who are wise and content with what they have. he wants them to know how to count and appreciate their blessings.

i don't see him wanting to spoil them too much, or have them grow up in this extremely privileged nepo baby “oh i'm a famous celebrity's kid” manner.

namjoon would be more of a father who lets his kids run free, rather than intruding and strictly lecturing them constantly. he'd be a parent who thinks it's important to let his children fall sometimes, so they can gather their own know-how of how to get back up.

though he wouldn't want them to be depending on him for everything, he'd still be an existence of emotional understanding for his children. especially when it comes to communicating; namjoon would want his kids to feel safe enough to open up to him, without fear of judgment or the need to hide parts of themselves. he wants to feel like a gentle and intuitive parent figure who's naturally attuned to his kids' needs, compassionate, and understands their point of view.

jimin

would he like to become a father?

so, jimin is one of the members who reads as more fond of the idea. he does see fatherhood as something he would like for his life, and might even imagine himself in that role a lot. however, he feels uncertain about whether he'll be able to to actually translate his wishes into reality. (12h mars)

jimin's energy is very.. “these are the things i wish for, and these are the things i believe i can do.” in his eyes, there's a gap between the two; meaning, he struggles believing he can actually live up to what he himself wishes he could be.

he's so immensely critical of himself, can often have the tendency to acknowledge his downfalls, before his strengths. jimin could get worried he'll end up projecting his insecurities onto his children, not being able to provide them with the emotional fulfillment they deserve. he believes there's deeply rooted, inner issues and traumas, he'd need to actively confront and heal. he doesn't see himself as a father who'd have much to offer.

what would he be like as a father?

this is actually very sweet. i can see jimin being a father who puts true work and effort into establishing a close connection to his children.

there's this immense desire in him to display his affection towards them, in a way where they feel sincerely and wholeheartedly loved. he'd literally pour out his heart.

i keep getting the sense that this man carries a wounded inner child in him. he feels like he's healing it by caring for other children. i keep being drawn to the world “love”.. that's what might've been lacking for jimin when he was younger, so he can feel the need to make other children feel loved.

i also keep feeling the need to say “genuinely, truly, sincerely” like, his love isn't fake, it's not a pretense and it's not shallow. it's not performance-based either. a parent's love is pure, and that's what he would want his children to know. he'd love them unconditionally, with all their imperfections and mistakes.

jimin would for sure be a father who's immensely protective, but in a gentle and almost motherly type of way. he feels this desire to shield his children from all the dark in the world, and would probably prefer just tucking them into this little cacoon by his side, where they're safe and sheltered.

taehyung

would he like to become a father?

so, taehyung is clear on fatherhood being something that'd be a major change in his life. he believes it'd require him to step out of his comfort zone, and rebuild his lifestyle, his attitude, his approach, in a manner that provides his child with the best possible circumstances to grow up in. despite the initial shock fatherhood could result in (it's a little bit of this.. “oh wow my life will completely change now”), i can also see taehyung feeling uplifted, and in high spirits about it.

an insight that's coming through strongly for him, is that he'd be very adamant on protecting his children from the media, gossip, etc. he would not want his kid to be the talk of the town, have unnecessary eyes watching and everyone voicing their opinion on them. he does read as someone who wants to separate his professional and private life; doesn't want one to disrupt the other.

taehyung wouldn't want his fatherhood to get tangled in his public image, and the fact that he's a celebrity whose private life is much more interesting to the public, to pose as an inconvenience to his family, fatherhood and his children.

ideally, he'd find a way to balance his efforts in both areas. do his best as artistically, while also fulfilling his role as a father, and providing his children everything they'd be in need of.

what would he be like as a father?

i see taehyung thriving in the role. with all the cap energy, fatherhood is likely to come naturally to him. again, i keep getting it, the protective side in him would be strong. he'd be firm on shielding his kids from negative influence; the type of parent who's careful and selective over who he allows to be around his kids. he could get very “don't talk to my child like that.”

don't know why but i also keep seeing him say that to his members too lmaoo, like i could imagine him telling a member holding his baby “okay it's enough you held him for too long already” or something ㅜ

taehyung is likely to be more of the stricter father, who's very clear on the lessons he wants to teach his kids. he wouldn't be a parent who'd be easy to convince, or talked into allowing them to do something. his energy here is more authoritarian, in a “i said no, that means no. end of discussion.” way.

his energy reminds me of my stepfather, who was a capricorn. he had these exact rules i had to follow; like bed time at 7 pm. i remember him stressing me out badly, because he was so unmoving, i could cause riots, he'd just let me be annoyed but still firmly go through with what he said. in the end i learnt a lot from him.

i do see potential for taehyung to be the type of father who bickers a lot with his children though; he could have a lot of disagreements.

i can sense his main intention being to equip his children with thick skin.. encouraging them in a way that gives them strength, letting them discover their own power through embracing their strengths, building up their confidence.

lastly, there is a part of taehyung that could connect with the imaginative, emotional world of his children.

he might not always express love in overly affectionate ways, but it would come through in the little things: playing silly games with them, nurturing their creative spirit, encouraging them to dream freely. his children could talk about the most silly and whimsical things to him, and he'd entertain it, in a way that makes them feel seen and valid. there's a part of taehyung that wants to preserve their inner naivety and innocence, while also helping them develop into strong and self-assured individuals.

jungkook

would he like to become a father?

so, jk immediately came in with the energy of.. “if i meet the right person, who'd make me want to have a child, i would.”

however, i have to say, he is someone who can feel most comfortable when working, and is most familiar with himself in work-mode. the concept of becoming a father is something that feels very.. strange (?) to him.

tbh, nearly every time i read for jungkook, his childhood comes to mind. while reading this time, i got reminded of him being a capricorn rising; and it made things click for me.

all the virgo energy, plus having a cap ascendant, can make jungkook a person who's not only self-critical and hardworking by nature, but also someone who encountered the weight of responsibility at a very young age. he can search for joy in the more simple things in life as he gets older, and as he finds more comfort in letting loose, because he's already been introduced to the serious adult world so early on.

in my spread, the page of pentacles (representing a younger jk as a virgo sun) fell out next to the six of cups (card of childhood, nostalgia) which made it look like the hardworking student is curiously gazing at these two kids, who are happily playing next to him. it seems like a world unfamiliar to him.

the awkwardness that i'm getting here makes sense. if someone's inner child was neglected and left emotionally unfulfilled for years; it's hard to the blame the person for not really knowing how to emotionally nurture another child. how do you expect someone to teach a child something, when it's something they've never been taught themselves?

i don't see jungkook necessarily rejecting fatherhood, as much as i see it potentially stirring up unresolved inner issues and self-doubt within him, that he doesn't seem too comfortable confronting as of right now.

i currently see him more emotionally distant from the idea of fatherhood. not because he doesn’t care, but because, he doesn’t believe he’s yet capable of offering the emotional maturity it requires.

mtl “best” father in my eyes

#1 taehyung

#2 seokjin

#3 jimin

#4 namjoon

#5 hobi (surprisingly)

#6 jungkook

#7 yoongi (he could honestly be great, i just didn't get an ounce of insight into potential fatherhood..)

seokjin and taehyung are quite close imo, i just see taehyung feeling more comfortable and confident in the role.

#kpop tarot #bts tarot #jimin makes me want to cry

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too-damn-good-for-growing-old · 1 day ago

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can I ask your thoughts on jpc Darry and dan soda in act 2 (or tbh just act 2 thoughts in general)????

Hello!!! I’d be HAPPY to!

I gave some of my thoughts in my earlier post but let me expand a little more on JPC!Darry and Dan!Soda:

• JPC!Darry definitely emphasizes the younger aspects of Darry’s character, and reminds us of how he’s just a kid, too.

• He’s much more quiet overall, and softer, but is capable of exploding at the drop of a hat — especially in RITFR

• My gosh this boy CARES so much, especially when it comes to Ponyboy. It’s so clear to see how even though he’s stuck between a brother and a father, he wants to stay a brother as much as possible.

• Much like Brent!Darry, JPC!Darry just seems so worn down and tired. However, I would say it’s a different kind of exhaustion: Brent!Darry is tired because he’s been doing this for so long and is stuck in his routine, while JPC!Darry is tired because he’s still figuring everything out and the stress and responsibility is still so overwhelming.

• At the core of Dan!Soda is contentment: he is so happy with exactly where he is. If his life never changed, that would be completely fine with him.

• He seems to be soaking up the joy of every moment for what it is and doesn’t need anything more.

• However, when he’s upset, this boy is DEVASTATED and is very expressive about it.

• In Act 2 specifically, Throwing in the Towel had some WONDERFUL JPC!Darry and Dan!Soda moments! JPC!Darry just seemed so totally broken down, and it almost felt like this is one of the first moments that Dan!Soda has ever considered that Darry might not have everything under control — that not everyone is content as he is.

• Like I said in my earlier post, the love between them is so strong when Dan!Soda literally dove his entire face into JPC!Darry’s chest like he was trying to keep him from disappearing on the spot. It was the most emotional ending to the song I’ve seen.

• Soda’s Letter oh my gosh!! He sounded so sincere and at the end of the song, he did a little pose on “Sincerely, Soda,” like he was so proud of himself.

• Dan!Soda had the most expressive reaction to Johnny’s death that I’ve seen — he broke down sobbing while he was holding Ponyboy, and then whispered something to him that I tried SO hard to make out but couldn’t hear. Pony shook his head and said something that I THINK looked/sounded like “it’s too late” and then left, and then Soda was alone to cry even harder.

• Most of my dinner scene thoughts are in my earlier post, but holy crap y’all. Ouch.

• JPC!Darry once again sounded the youngest and most emotional out of all the Darry’s I’ve seen (which is all of them now! Curtis Bros Bingo!). He was more willing to let himself break down and cry in front of his brothers, it didn’t take as much to get him to that point.

• Dan!Soda was trying from the very beginning of the scene to keep the peace, like he could see an argument coming from a mile away and wanted to stop it before he could start.

• His “Come on, guys, stop! Stop!” before he separated Pony and Darry HURT SO GOOD. My boy was at his LIMIT.

• And then once Soda broke down, that seemed to just motivation Darry to get even more emotional. His “we lost mom and we lost dad” was genuinely the most heartbreaking I’ve heard it (thanks JPC)

• And don’t even get me STARTED on “Did you hear what I just said? I said I love you.” JPC!Darry was trying as hard as he could to convince Ponyboy to believe him, that he meant it.

• Overall, JPC!Darry and Dan!Soda together had a relationship of one brother who had to give his dreams but still holds on to them and wants them to come true, and the other brother who never wants anything more than what he has right now. They work together effortlessly, there’s such a comfortability between them that was unexpected because they’ve never played THESE roles opposite each other before.

• Dan!Soda is JPC!Darry’s rock, no doubt about it.

Okay! That is so long so that’s all for now!! But feel free to DM me for more thoughts!

#wow did not expect to write an essay but I just have so many thoughts #the outsiders #the outsiders musical #the outsiders broadway #sodapop curtis #darry curtis #the curtis brothers #john patrick collins #dan berry #JPC Darry #Dan Soda

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blitzwhore · 2 days ago

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Sleepover Saturday ❤️

I am literally working on my first fanfic ever right now and I’m so excited. It’s so self-indulgent and I’m positive only 3 people will ever read it 🤣 but it’s been fun to actually write something instead of just thinking about it non-stop.

I wanted to ask: do you have any tips for planning a fic out? Do you organize your ideas in a formal way, or do you just write and see where it goes?

I just kind of started writing and I’m worried that I’m going all over the place.

First fanfic ever!!! Omg that's so exciting! Congratulations on taking this step 😍 Do you have an AO3 account set up? One I can perhaps subscribe to? 👀

Oh gosh, I am not the best person to ask for story planning tips. I am soooooo all over the place it's not even funny. Usually, when I write short one-shots or drabbles, I just start writing without any previous planning (other than vague ideas floating in my mind) and see where the story takes me.

For longer fics, I... okay, it's hard to explain. I do plan, but it's vague and chaotic. What I usually do is create a separate Google doc and dump every single thought I have about the fic in there, unfiltered. Streams of consciousness I have, dialogue exchanges that suddenly pop up in my mind, backstory for the characters, events I'd like to write, ways in which I'd like them to touch or look at each other, songs they'd listen to... And anything else I'd like to include in my story at some point.

Then, I start writing. And as the story progresses, both in the doc and inside my head, I frequently go back to those notes and ideas, moving them around and changing them up to fit the characterisation and tone as those slowly come together. Some of those ideas become milestones I want to get to. Everything I write, I write steering them towards that moment, that scene that I've planned out. But I have no idea how they'll actually get from A to B; that all comes to life while I write. And sometimes, while writing, the characters go "actually, B is stupid and we're gonna do W instead, thanks." And I'm just sitting there like... God fucking dammit you guys 🤣

For example, in my tattoo fic, I knew while writing chapter 1 that I wanted their first date to be at the park, and I had many ideas for how their first kiss would be. I knew I wanted Stolas to ask Blitz to kiss him, and then get nervous when Blitz laughed in response, and I knew I wanted Blitz to take charge and start slow, kissing Stolas' neck until Stolas was so desperate he dragged Blitz into a proper kiss himself. And I knew I wanted it to happen on a park bench, with Blitz in Stolas' lap. But while planning for, and writing, chapter 2, I had no intention of making them talk about circus stuff, or to have Stolas having seen Blitz perform as a teen; that came out of nowhere. And I also didn't plan on them hearing water or finding a creek or taking selfies together, that was all them!

And don't even get me started on chapter 3. That was meant to be the club chapter. They were just meant to have a quick meeting so Stolas could give back the jacket and they could make out a bit. The tacos, and Blitz lending him a shirt, and Stolas getting nervous and prompting Blitz to be more careful about dragging Stolas into things he doesn't actually want to do... That was all them. I had no part in it! 🤣

So yeah, whatever you're doing, I'm sure it can't get much worse than what I'm doing 😂 I'm now writing chapter 6 and I have a lot of specific moments I want to get to in the chapter, but how they'll get to each of them and what will happen between A and B and C is beyond me. And I have plans for what's going to happen in future chapters, many plans. But as to how and when we'll get to each of those moments in the fic? Yeah, I have no clue!

And this is coming from someone who's been writing fanfic for over a decade (and writing in general since I was 8), so... Whatever it is you're doing, if it's working, then keep going! That's all the wisdom I can offer 🤡😂

#ask #sleepover ask game #stolitz #thanks so much for the ask!#if you want to talk about your fic my DMs are open but no pressure ofc! :3 #no but really this is genuinely what works for me #if i try to plan exactly what's gonna happen and when... my brain decides that the story has been told and refuses to actually write it #💀

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papercranesong · 2 days ago

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Hi again @peculiarreality - yes there was a lot there in my previous post, thanks for taking the time to read all of it! (and if you think of anything else further down the line that you wanted to say but didn’t, please just @ me, you won’t have missed the boat). This is all part of a longer, larger discussion on an issue that isn’t going away.

Also, just to add that I know these posts are probably coming at a raw time especially in light of the recent AO3 data scrapes. People are feeling really hurt at the moment and I'm sorry, it's not my intention to minimise that. I do think there is misinformation though about generative AI that needs addressing - because it directly affects our fandom spaces and how we interact with each other, who is included and who is excluded - and we need to base our decisions on accurate information.

You make a helpful distinction that there are different types of AI models, such as those used in cancer detection (which rely on narrow models trained using consenting clinical data), and the generative AI models like chatGPT which is based on publically available data.

But respectfully though, it’s a misconception that chatGPT and other similar LLMs aren’t being used for medical and scientific research, because they are. For example:

1. The University of Oxford in the UK is partnering with OpenAI to use chatGPTEdu to research areas like health and climate change:

“Following a successful 500-user pilot of OpenAI’s ChatGPT Edu offering - a secure version of ChatGPT based on OpenAI’s latest models including o1 and 4o - the University of Oxford will be rolling out ChatGPT Edu to 3,000 academics and staff. Oxford researchers will also receive access to OpenAI’s latest models including o1 and 4o to accelerate their work. Research grant funding will also be made available through OpenAI’s NextGenAI initiative for Oxford researchers working on collaborative projects with OpenAI. This will present opportunities to accelerate the research of academics working in new areas including health and climate change.”

– from the University of Oxford

2. This systematic review on “ChatGPT Utility in Healthcare Education, Research, and Practice: Systematic Review on the Promising Perspectives and Valid Concern” outlines ways ChatGPT is already being used in these fields. Section 3.1 in particular gives a nice summary of the ChatGPT Benefits and Limitations/ Concerns in Health Care (here’s a link to the paper).

3. This academic paper talks about current cancer research using chatGPT, specifically ‘Cancer research using NLP and LLMs’

“An important point in the NLP field is the rapid development of LLMs with the advent of transformers, and their use in various aspects of society, as exemplified by ChatGPT, has had a significant impact. The introduction of LLMs into the medical field is also underway, with GPT-4 reportedly achieving passing scores on Steps 1–3 of the USMLE by more than 20 points, making it the first computer-based system to qualify for standardized US physician face-private examination.” - from section 4.3 in “Current status and future direction of cancer research using artificial intelligence for clinical application”, published in the journal of Cancer Science - here’s the link)

There’s a lot more evidence out there on how chatGPT and similar LLMs are being used in health and scientific research, but probably the best way for people to explore it themselves is to follow the references cited in these papers, or go on the website of any leading university with a research department and take a look at their online research hubs and how they are approaching the topic.

And as you rightly mention, misinformation generated by chatGPT can be dangerous and harmful – and so people need to know how to use LLMs responsibly. This page from one of the UK’s leading academic universities gives a nice guide to students using chatGPT in their assignments about how to critically evaluate information generated from it: https://www.sheffield.ac.uk/study-skills/digital/generative-ai/critical

Just bringing it back to the issue you mentioned about the AO3 data scrapes and how it's a form of theft for fanfic writers using chatGPT:

So the data that chatGPT is trained on also includes data scraped from open-access scientific journals that are freely available online. All those people and institutions in the examples I’ve mentioned above who are using chatGPT in their work – the Oxford University researchers, the doctors - are they also involved in theft?

Again, I’m not trying to be provocative, I just want to show that it's a really complex topic - and to make sure that we’re consistent in applying our standards and using accurate information and informed understanding.

Because at the end of the day, decisions are being made that directly impact how people are treated in fandom spaces like Tumblr and AO3, the fan exchanges and events that they can participate in, and the overall inclusivity of these spaces. At the very least, we need to start with accurate information, and hopefully this post contributes to that.

Thanks again for being willing to have this conversation. (And if others want to jump in on this conversation too, feel free! You can also DM me or leave me an ask).

Confessions of a Fanfic Writer: How and why I use AI

So more and more, I’m seeing posts about AI and the place it has in writing. While some posts express justified concerns, the general discourse seems to be degenerating into “don’t use AI” and “if you use AI you’re a horrible person”, which suppresses conversation and doesn’t really explore the nuances of how AI can be used as a tool for writers.

I’m a fanfic writer who uses AI to help me write, especially when I’m in the throes of exhaustion or depression. I don’t always use it, and when I do, I’m aware it can become a crutch. But mostly it’s transformed my writing life, because it means I can write nearly every day now, instead of waiting for those rare moments each month when the sun comes up and I’m in a good place mentally and I’m able to write.

So I thought I’d get specific and share some ways I use it. A couple of practical points first -

AI is a broad term, and so when I talk about AI with regard to writing, I’m referring to a subcategory of AI called LLMs - large language models like chatGPT.

I don’t allow chatGPT to train on my fics. (There’s an option to not let it train its models on any data inputted).

Ways I use AI to help me write

One - to help me articulate my ideas

You know when you’re so tired and unable to express yourself properly, and you end up spewing a word cloud and gesturing inarticulately in the vague hope that the other person will understand what you’re trying to say?

So with chatGPT I type that wordcloud in along with my half-baked ideas and unfinished sentences, and then it will make sense of what I’m trying to say and reflect back to me fully-formed ideas, giving me different suggestions for what I might mean. It’s the “make it exist first, you can make it good later” adage - chatGPT helps me to make my ideas exist first.

Two - for constructive criticism

I might feel like a scene is sagging or that something’s not working but I’m unable to put my finger on it. So I’ll ask - “what’s not working?” and I’ve found it to be remarkably perceptive and accurate in identifying what and why something feels off - maybe it’s the beats and pacing, list-like repetition or lack of a character’s internal reaction.

(Could I just ask a beta-reader to do this? I could, but honestly - I’m an introvert and British. It’s just too awkward for me).

Three - as a sounding board

If I’m stuck on a scene, it offers a fresh perspective by helping me figure out the motivations of the characters or identifying the emotional counterpoint of the scene and suggesting ways to build on it.

I sometimes ask it to rewrite the scene from the perspective of a different character, or to write the scene from a sensory point of view, just to help me experience it through fresh eyes. Other writers use it to make RPGs of their fics, for similar reasons. There’s also an audio option where it narrates what you’ve written - the voice isn’t great but just hearing the words spoken aloud allows me to listen and visualise it and gives me a fresh perspective.

Four - as a research tool

I like doing research and making my fics as accurate as possible, but sometimes there’s no information available for my scenarios, e.g a character bleeding out in zero-G. So I type in the scenario into ChatGPT and receive information specific to my scene - for example, if my character is bleeding out in zero-G, is that even possible? How would it appear to an onlooker? Would the bleeding happen quicker or slower than in normal gravity? Would it still feel the same? (There’s always potential for the LLM to hallucinate though, so I wouldn’t trust it as the sole authority).

Five - for proof-reading and html code

I can spend hours checking for typos, grammar and formatting errors, and it’s a lot quicker to ask chatGPT to clean it up for me initially and then to check it myself afterwards (or the other way round). It also speeds things up with writing html code for specific formatting.

Six - as a writing therapist

I have pretty low self-esteem and imposter syndrome etc. In the past I would either stop writing for a while - or worse, just delete my stories.

Now when I feel like that, I tell ChatGPT and then it responds by having a conversation based on therapeutic techniques such as externalisation (separating harmful thoughts from your identity), reframing techniques based on CBT etc. to explore with me what I’m feeling and to help me think differently about it.

(Could I not just turn to actual humans for this? Yes, and occasionally I do. But I don’t want to pester my online fanfic friends with my writerly angst multiple times a day. It’s not fair on them, and they’re not counsellors. But with chatGPT I can be as honest and neurotic as I like).

Conclusion

I guess I wanted to write this little essay because:

it felt disingenuous not to speak up about my own use of AI when people were posting about it on Tumblr and elsewhere.

to maybe challenge the assumption that the use of AI in writing is automatically deviant, shameful or wrong.

to hopefully be an approachable person to chat to about the use of AI in fanfic. I’d love to find a friendly space in which to talk about how to use AI well in creating fanworks, and to discuss the angst, pitfalls and ethics that come with it. (Edit: I made a Tumblr community called Writing-with-AI, let me know if you’d like the link).

Anyway, if you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading and for keeping an open mind. I’m always happy to chat more - feel free to DM or leave me an ask.

Finally, you might be wondering whether I used AI to write this. What do you think?

#AI #artificial intelligence #generative ai in medicine #chatGPT in academia #open AI discourse #fanfic #archive of our own #ao3 #writers #writing process #chatgpt #generative ai #fandom and AI #open discussion welcome

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simplydnp · 7 months ago

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Hii as a passive fan looking in from sidelines, I read something along the lines that Dan and Phil did come out like few weeks apart but they haven’t confirmed or denied that they are in a relationship? I am confused as what is the official narrative from their side, can you clear this for me please.

I have no doubt of them being together just confused about official timeline, xx

dan and phil are embracing the ambiguity that is brought to them under the 'we know you know' mindset

you're correct in that they came out a few weeks apart (though, phil kind of did in his tweet supporting dan on the day dan came out)

it's funny you ask this, as we do have a recent answer to a reporter about their relationship:

this is the first time they've really been asked this since coming out, but it's important to note the context here: they're talking to a new zealand reporter, about their tour. to me, it reads as an aggressive fuck off signal to the media. ie, this topic is off-limits. so 'officially' their stance is that their lives are private.

unofficially? there's a year's worth of dapg videos that carry heavy implications. it's a lot of reading between the lines, it's a lot of interpreting jokes, it's a lot of paying attention to things both Said and not said. from explicit sex jokes to earnest moments to even specific games they've played, it's easy for an audience to pick up the clues because we're looking for them--cause dan and phil tend to put them there for us. it is important to note that there has been a significant change in tone of the gaming videos from the past vs the gaming videos now. while the language and the types of jokes have changed, so has the dynamic--in the best way possible. they're much more free and relaxed on camera now, both an intentional choice and the result of being out for 5 years.

they've got a mortgage together, alright?

in terms of them not directly commenting on it--at least at this point, it just makes things easier. they aren't usually on tour so reporters aren't usually asking them these questions, but even beyond that, they're incredibly internet famous. even they themselves were surprised about quote "how many people were horny for dan and phil in 2024". and sure, it isn't the same numbers as pre-hiatus, but there's definitely still a lot of people here. so while we champion for a hard-launch (since they keep moving closer) we also know that it's bigger than just saying it. it would be everywhere. everyone would have something to say. and then it's not about the content anymore, it's the relationship (though, one would argue their chemistry makes the content, but i would say their connection adds to it, but isn't the commodity they specifically sell)

in terms of the timeline in particular, we're days away from 15 years of dan and phil, in that they filmed and posted pinof 1 in 2009 at the end of this week. they've never intentionally specified any other anniversary, so we don't know (though we have suspicions), but it's unlikely it took That long to get there. coming out was the next Biggest step, one could argue, and you're right about the timeline of weeks between videos. what i reckon that's important to note is that dan 'appeared' in a phil video surprisingly soon after june, despite not having made any other videos since christmas of the year before. even though it was just his voice, it was enough. there were 4 ish years of limited joint content between them, but it did happen (mostly stories and podcast style things), up until the return of dapg last october. since then, there's been regular dapg uploads (crazy phrase) and dan's either been directly in or mentioned in every single amazingphil video since the return. it depends how much you think implications and indirect phrasing are evidence/signifiers, but there's been a Lot that's come out of gaming videos in particular that Mean Things to the fans, but aren't something able to be captured by the media and ran with (though, one article did see the 'dan and phil are getting divorced' title and reported on it as if it were true, despite it just being an 'it takes two' video)

#this got very long. but i hope i answered your question?#if you want a specific moment to point to about a change. it's the first proper revival video.#it starts off with a reference to the milk fic--a phanfic about them from like ten years ago. which is very explicit.#theres been lots more across the last year. honestly its harder to find a video where they Dont push the envelope than where they do #thats just where we're at now #dnp #c.text #dan and phil #phan #dnptit #answered

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skeletalheartattack · 1 year ago

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#for context. a few weeks back i was playing on a fast respawn 2fort server #mostly because i just wanted to just. hang out somewhere without any real serious gameplay happening #that said. for the first few hours i was playing on there. was mostly playing gunslinger engineer and detonator pyro #and we had a good push up into their base but were stuck just at the entrance. with a heavy hold from the enemy team #but after a while. i just kinda got bored and wanted to just fuck about with the taunts and loadouts i had #first thing i did was play pyro and do the cheers taunt before getting on my bike and swerving a bunch as i drove #but i dont think anyone could tell thats what i was doing #so after a bit i just changed to scout. and started just riding my skateboard #(i also did the drinking and riding bit a few times but i eventually just ended up skateboarding around)#(one bit being me on the top of the bridge. doing the cheers taunt. getting on my board. and then skating off the bridge and killbinding)#so at some point. i kept getting stuck in place for some reason. like speficially on bumpy ground or... in the air #and the moment i got stuck in the air (for 30+ seconds mind you) i was just like ''my quantum board technique''#and from there. i just acted as if i was playing the newest Pro Skater game #saying stuff like ''i have to do manual ollie combo for 150000000 points''#or like ''i have to find grindrails on this level''#eventually found my way into the sewers and said something like ''IVE FOUND THE HALF PIPES''#before saying like ''man they really screwed up the physics since the last game''#a soldier on the other team was trying to find me the whole time saying ''wheres tony hawk''#specifically because he had a tony hawk avatar. and i only realized after he said something about it #anyway. after all that i skateboarded into a minisentry and died #and my last message was supposed to be ''my combo has ended'' but i ended up typing 'bombo'#and it made me laugh SO hard i couldnt backspace. and added on with ''my sweet bombo''#and then i left because i had nothing more to do there. my bombo had ended and i had to move on.

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questions-about-blorbos · 3 months ago

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BLORBO ASKS GAME

reblog if you’d like people to send you asks about your Blorbo

who’s the Blorbo that you’ve never posted about on your blog?

who was your first ever Blorbo, who was your childhood Blorbo, and are they still your Blorbo?

was there any specific point / any specific moment that suddenly made this character your Blorbo, or did you slowly grow to love them more and more until they became a Blorbo to you?

what’s the thing you love the most about your Blorbo?

what’s the thing you dislike the most about your Blorbo?

if you could talk to your Blorbo, what would you say to them?

what’s the one thing the fandom gets wrong about your Blorbo?

is your Blorbo an introvert or extrovert?

describe your Blorbo in 3 words

if your Blorbo were real, would you trust them with your life?

have you ever written a fanfic about your Blorbo?

do you talk to your family or in-real-life friends about your Blorbo?

is there any crime, any wrongdoing your Blorbo could commit that would make you stop loving them and remove them from your hyperfixation entirely?

have you ever distanced yourself from your Blorbo / have you ever left a fandom because people in the fandom were being too toxic?

have you ever gotten involved in ship wars?

is your Blorbo canonically alive?

do you like seeing your Blorbo suffer?

do you ship your Blorbo with any character?

when it comes to Blorbos, do you have a type?

if you have more than one Blorbo, do you love them all equally?

if your Blorbo is from a live-action media, are you also a fan of the actor who plays them?

would you still love your Blorbo if they were real?

is your Blorbo a victim of badly written script / bad plot / character assassination in the hands of canon?

if you could change one canonical thing about your Blorbo, what would it be?

how did you first discover your Blorbo?

when you first discovered your Blorbo, did you realize from that moment that they would become your Blorbo?

do you gatekeep your Blorbo? / would you want more people to know about your Blorbo?

have you ever been attacked online just because you liked your Blorbo?

has a fanfic about your Blorbo ever made you cry?

do you think this character will still be your Blorbo three years from now on?

#blorbo #comfort character #ask game #games #asks #fandom #fandoms #fictional characters #meme #memes #blorbos #fanfic #ao3 #archive of our own #fanfiction #writing #writeblr #writers #writer

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dreamerimpossible · 3 months ago

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How protective would he be?

Warnings: +18 content, possessiveness, manipulation, obsession, yandere tendencies in some, unhealthy relationships, dark content, canon-typical violence.

Characters: Michael Myers, Chucky, Billy Loomis, Stu Macher, Patrick Bateman, Hannibal Lecter, Vincent Sinclair, Jason Voorhees, Leatherface, Art The Clown, Jason Dean, Alex DeLarge, Kurt Kunkle, Brahms.

Michael Myers

7/10

He's not really that protective. Too wrapped up in his own business. However, if someone thinks hurting you is a good idea, they're very wrong. He doesn't like his toys to have other people's marks on them, so he'll defend you. He won't let anyone hurt you physically. However, he'll be a zero with emotional damage; if someone bothers you like that, you'll have to specifically ask him to do something against that person. He will do it if you ask him to, but he'll prioritize his own victims.

Chucky (Human Version)

5/10

Much more protective than his doll version. At this stage, Charles was much more impulsive, so if someone hurts you in the slightest, that person will get into quite a bit of trouble. If you complain about someone and they're not really a threat to you, he'll just belittle your concerns, but at least he'll accompany you to pay that person a visit, but his goal is entirely selfish. He doesn't do it for you; he does it because he wants to see you in action.

Billy Loomis

9/10

Extremely protective. He's all over you; he doesn't want anyone to ever hurt you. He'll do whatever it takes to make sure no one ever bothers you again. He keeps people away from you who could be a potential threat and keeps you away from people he doesn't like. He doesn't get all the points, as there will be a couple of times he won't defend you because he's mad at you and wants to show you that you're absolutely helpless without him. He'll let you suffer for a moment and come to your rescue. Your eyes of gratitude are priceless…

Stu Macher

7/10

Listen, he could do better. But he'll be pretty careless. He'll protect you if you're in danger, but if it's less serious situations, he'll overlook it, especially if it's at a party. However, if there's something that's stuck in his mind, he'll get rid of it as soon as possible and won't say anything to you. If you dare to ask him questions, he'll make you feel like you're a fool and change the subject. You learn not to ask him anything. If you specifically ask him to get rid of someone for you, he'll do it; you don't even have to explain why. But he'll expect more from you in return.

Patrick Bateman

10/10

Listen, he is, but for selfish purposes. First, you have to be valuable to him. Make him understand that you genuinely like him and can be the person he wants (you don't even have to be; you just have to follow his demands). Then, he'll protect you and show you that he's that man who can take care of you all the time, to the point that you can leave everything in his hands. If you let your guard down and give him his role as protector and provider, he'll be protective and take care of you. However, depending on him so much can't be all good.

Hannibal Lecter

6/10

He's protective about the typical topics. If someone wants to hurt you, he's there. If someone wants to hurt you in any way and in any field, he's there. However, he's not when he feels he can take advantage of your reaction. If someone does something bad to you and he feels that it will bring out your bad and dark side, he'll let it happen. He wants to see both sides of you, both the good and the bad. If you're not a person who shows both sides, he'll bring out the one that suits him. He'll play with your mind, make you dependent on him.

Vincent Sinclair

7/10

Pretty good, actually. New outsiders will arrive, and he'll get rid of anyone who plans to play with you in any way. He's quite protective of you and doesn't want to see you with any scratches. However, he'll do little to nothing if it's his brother. It's not that Bo wants to do something to you constantly, but if he's disobeyed, he likes to punish so that people continue to go down the right path. I don't think Vincent would defend you from something like that; the most he'll do is try to comfort you afterwards.

Jason Voorhees

10/10

They don't play with him, and they don't play with you. It's that simple. Everything is a threat to you, so he tries hard to keep you away from everyone. Literally everyone. His level of protection goes beyond obsession and possessiveness. It's absolutely not healthy what he does, but at least you can enjoy total peace of mind. No one bothers you, because there are no people who can do that. And if there are, they don't last long. Of course, you shouldn't talk about anyone and much less go to places that don't have his approval.

Leatherface

7/10

It's the same dynamic as with Vincent. He'll protect you if it's someone outside. He'll go crazy if they hurt you. If someone insults you, he'll get revenge. He won't let anyone get away with you in any way. But if it's his family, it'll be too hard for him, and even if he wanted to intervene, he won't. Your duty is to get along with his family and not bother them. If they start attacking you, he will not be able to defend you, as they will always be more important than anyone else. He will feel quite frustrated if they do not accept you.

Art the Clown

4/10

He's not protective at all. But he will kill them all. Yes, all of them. So probably among those victims there are people who hurt you, who you don't like, and who made you feel bad. But make no mistake, he's not doing it for you. He's doing it for himself and for his satisfaction. If you're in danger, he will kill the person who is hurting you, but I insist that it's not out of a protective instinct. He does it because he likes to see the suffering of others. If Vicky from the third movie insults you, he will laugh with her. But if he's not in the mood, he will look at her with annoyance. It all depends on his mood. Now, she can't hurt you. No. That's only allowed for him.

Jason Dean

10/10

Yes. It doesn't matter if they're together or not. He won't put you in danger, and all those who hurt you will suffer the consequences. The slightest taunt from a person could be fatal. Seriously, this guy is a real danger. You could tell him you're tired of someone, and you'll both be making a plan to get back at that person, and he'll go all the way with it. He'll expect you to be happy and content afterwards, to share his mood basically. If you're not, he won't do anything, but he'll be disappointed. And he'll show it.

Alex DeLarge

10/10

He is. But let me explain. He'll do this to make you dependent on him and see him as your only salvation. He'll be extremely manipulative, but it will still get you into his trap. You could literally be untouchable. He won't let other men hurt you or let his filthy hands touch what's his. He'll get revenge on anyone who thinks entering your home is a good idea. If a person bothers you in any way, no matter how small, he'll let them know what it means to mess with you. But make no mistake, Alex is controlling, and he'll expect you to obey him. In everything.

Kurt Kunkle

8/10

Pretty good actually. He got tired of no one seeing him, so he started freaking out. If someone disrespects you, he'll think they're disrespecting him, and he'll attack. If a person thinks touching you is okay, then Kurt will think it's a dig specifically at him. He'll think he's being told he's weak, insignificant, and invisible, and he'll start losing control. After that thing, he'll berate you a bit and blame you for stupid things. Praising him might work.

Brahms

10/10

Protective, obsessive, possessive. He literally has it all. He doesn't let you leave his house. He doesn't want anyone to take you away from him or hurt you. He's very strong, so if someone comes in, they'll never get out. You feel protected with him because really no one but him can hurt you. However, at the same time, it might get tiring how much insane protection he puts on you. He will see threats everywhere, until there comes a time when you don't talk to anyone close to you. You only have him.

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perpetuallyfive · 6 months ago

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God, I'm so happy with what they did with Maddie Nolen.

I'm sure there will be plenty of people mad because obviously there was a weird backlash over a character who has sex with one half a ship, so I'm sure some people worry this will lead those people to feel justified in their initial response.

But ignoring people who can't emotionally regulate for a second, because those childish impulses aren't worth dictating the fun things a narrative can do: Maddie is SO INTERESTING as a character and she fills in a lot of the questions people seemed to have about the rest of the season.

Consider for a moment that it wasn't Caitlyn who convinced Vi to be an Enforcer. It was Maddie.

I know that some people took this line to be about Zaunites, a sort of obvious connection to the very racist idea of "one of the good ones," but since Maddie is talking about Marcus and his betrayal of the Enforcers just before this, I'm pretty sure her framing here is something else. The point she's making is specifically targeted at Vi's own beliefs and weaknesses, her desire to protect. That seems clear to me now with all we know about Maddie's capacity for manipulation.

She's not saying, "You're good, for a poor."

She's saying, "Wow, I agree with you, the Enforcers are really bad; it's so upsetting. I think you might be the only one who can change it, but only if you join us." This is what convinces Vi to do something she never thought she would.

Well, this and the fact that Caitlyn believes in her so much which, again, is information she gets fed to her directly from Maddie. It even seems like Maddie seeks her out just to say this, which on first viewing felt oddly convenient. Wow, Vi just happens to meet this naive girl who just happens to say exactly what she needs to hear to do something so out of character.

Except obviously none of it was coincidence. Everyone already knew how much Vi meant to Caitlyn and getting Caitlyn under control would require either controlling Vi or removing her from the equation. This was a push in that direction.

Then there's her more obvious role as the spy in Caitlyn's bed, there to reassure her that the Noxians are only trying to keep all of them safe. Then when Caitlyn expresses larger doubts, she's immediately ready to lay out an alternative. You could just give up, Maddie seems to whisper gently in her ear. Just reestablish things as they were before.

But she knows Caitlyn isn't going to go for that. She's not going to go back to the council as it was, because it's only going to remind her of the empty place her mother left behind. Maddie knows that Caitlyn isn't going to take this offer, which is precisely why she suggests it. She frames quitting as the only clear alternative to going along with everything Ambessa wants because she knows that Caitlyn will refuse, which leads her right back into alignment with Ambessa. She makes continued obedience into an active choice that Caitlyn affirms she's making.

Even Maddie's comments that suggest direct opposition to Ambessa — "you're our leader... I follow you" — are designed to frame herself and her true leader in direct opposition, just as Ambessa's own warning about entanglements is there to further that point. They both make a point of reminding Caitlyn that they are her true ally, isolating her further from anyone who isn't the devil and (other) devil on her shoulders.

This way Maddie and Ambessa can both tug at Caitlyn, pulling in what feels to her like opposite directions, all so that she lands precisely where they wanted her all along but with the illusion of active agency.

And look, I'm not saying my read on her is gospel, because I think they intentionally gave us enough room to really speculate and wonder about her, someone who could have been just a background nothing character but ends up being such a huge part of the second season. That's so interesting!

I especially love that she comes across as really naive and innocent, just some poor little thing swept up in the fervor, when in reality she's a true believer who has been manipulating things to go her way from the start.

#maddie nolen #arcane #arcane s2 spoilers #arcane spoilers #when maddie first showed up my immediate feeling was ''oh noooo they made a sweet and innocent cop''#BUT NOPE.#they did NOT and that's so fucking funny

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aerifim · 21 days ago

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oikawa tooru is a yearner.

before, during, and after you guys started dating—all he ever did was yearn for you. the stolen glances, the way his gaze unconsciously making its way to you, the eye contact quick that would make his heart flutter more than he would like.

and, when he finally had the balls to confess to you—and when you told him you reciprocated his feelings—he never stopped yearning for you. you were all he could ever think about from the moment he woke up, going to school, during practice, even sometimes during his games.

you remember the time he walked to your house. the afternoon rainfall was heavy on your 3 months but, he pushed through, carrying a present and flowers with him.

you were a breath of fresh air for him. around you, there was no pressure to be perfect. no pressure to be the absolute best. no pressure about making and winning the nationals. his heart was safely yours and yours was his.

that was, of course, till, graduation day.

his team wasn't able to make it to the nationals, and it was upsetting all around. but you wanted him to stay, to stay with his friends, family. with you. but he couldn't. he just couldn't. and you understood that. it was always volleyball over you.

because, even if he longed for you all those years of being in highschool—before, during, and even up to now—volleyball was what he truly yearned for. you understood that more than anyone else could imagine, and that's why he loved you so much.

so you both called it off. no hard feelings, just understanding that your ideals in life was different than his. of course, it was hard at first—to get over the breakup with your high school sweetheart—but you eventually moved on with your life, as did he.

there were so many times you wanted to call him, reach out to him through his instagram handle and ask how he was, but part of you knew it was better to watch from the sidelines.

the match was electric. the kind that made you feel like you were seventeen again, watching him with stars in your eyes. except now the lights were brighter, the stakes higher, and tooru oikawa had grown into the player he always said he would be. the familiar curve of his serve, the sharpness in his eyes—he still played like he had something to prove. but there was more polish now, more grace. he didn’t just play the game. he owned it.

you hadn’t planned on going. you told yourself you were just curious, that you just wanted to see—but there you were, tucked in the stands, hoodie pulled up, a subtle hope tightening in your chest.

and maybe, just maybe he saw you.

because he hesitated.

just for a second after the last point. when his team swarmed around him in celebration, when the cameras flashed and the crowd erupted—he looked up. not at anyone specific, but at your section. it could’ve been a coincidence. but it also could’ve been him searching.

after the game, you lingered. you didn’t know what you were waiting for. closure, maybe. or maybe just to see him up close, to see if time had changed him as much as it changed you. you didn’t expect him to actually appear.

“tooru,” you breathed before you could stop yourself, and just like that—his eyes found you. and that was all it took.

“y/n…” he said your name like it hurt. like it had been sitting on the tip of his tongue for years, waiting for the right moment to fall off.

there was a silence. not awkward. just full of everything unsaid.

“you came,” he said, voice low. tentative.

you nodded. “you played well.”

he smiled, soft and a little sad. “you always said i would.”

the tension between you wasn’t sharp—it was something gentler now. a weight worn smooth by time, like sea glass. you could feel the love, still simmering beneath his eyes.

and maybe he wanted to say more. maybe he would.

but for now, you stood there, with only the sound of distant cheers and your hearts quietly echoing things you couldn’t quite say aloud yet.

maybe you never would.

or maybe you would. one day.

♡ long oikawa work today after disappearing for sometime :P felt angsty so i hope u enjoy

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bloomzone · 1 month ago

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2025 : #22 How to LOCK IN

✒️..You overwhelmed. u keep saying, "I need to get my life together," but you don’t even know where to start. That feeling being stuck in ur own head, paralyzed by everything and nothing at the same time it’s real ikr I've been there but there’s a way out of this messy shit is to locking in. Locking is when "u stop reacting, and you start creating" . You start showing up for yourself like you matter because you do but how .. ?

1. SET GOALS & INTENTIONS

Before anything else, you need direction. When life feels messy, it’s usually because you're reacting to everything instead of moving with purpose. So start with a pause. Ask yourself: What do I want my life to actually look like? Not in vague terms like "success" or "happiness" but specifically. What kind of mornings do you want? What kind of work fulfills you? What kind of people do you want around you? What does peace look like for you?

Now set intentions. An intention isn’t just a goal it’s a way of being. A goal says "I want to lose 10 pounds." An intention says "I want to treat my body like it matters." That's the difference. Intentions give your goals a soul. Write both down . This is your why and you're going to need it when things get hard then u will remember to keep u going

2. KILL DISTRACTIONS

When life feels messy, the first thing you have to do is quiet the noise. And I don’t mean just the literal noise . I’m talking about the mental clutter: endless scrolling, group chats with no purpose, random content you consume that makes you compare yourself to others (hear me out) All of it is stealing your focus. You can’t figure out your life if you’re constantly filling your brain with everybody else’s.

Start by auditing your digital life. What apps do you open as soon as you wake up? What’s constantly grabbing your attention but giving you nothing real back? If it doesn’t help you grow, if it doesn’t calm your mind, if it doesn’t fuel your creativity it’s time to let it go. At least for now. Silence can be uncomfortable at first, but within silence lives clarity. And clarity is the seed of change.

3. FLIP THE MENTAL SWITCH

This part is important as setting goals . If your life feels off track, you have to make a hard decision with yourself: Am I going to keep living like this, or am I going to do something about it? This is where you flip the switch. And flipping it means choosing to no longer accept a half-lived version of your life. It’s the moment where you say, "I’m tired of feeling behind. I’m done wasting time."

You might not know how to fix everything yet, but the decision to lock in is the beginning. This switch is an energy shift. It’s the point when you stop waiting for motivation, stop waiting to feel "ready," and decide that showing up is no longer optional. You become your own motivator. You stop asking, "Can I really do this?" and start saying, "Watch me." It’s about becoming unrecognizable to your past self, one action at a time

4. CONTROL YOUR SPACE

When your life feels messy, often your space reflects it ofc . Look around your room. Your desk. Your phone. Your inbox. Is it all chaos? Then your mind will be too. You don’t need to do a full makeover you just need to create order. Clean your room like you're clearing your head or like someone important will come in organize your stuff like you’re organizing your next move.

When your physical environment feels chaotic, it signals your brain that you’re not safe, not grounded, not focused. And that’s exhausting. You deserve a space that supports the person you want to become. Light a candle. Open a window. Get some sunlight in . Your space should be a place where change can happen. Because once your space feels clean and calm, your mind starts to follow.

4. FUEL YOUR BODY

You can’t lock in if you’re running on fumes. That foggy, tired, heavy feeling you’re carrying A lot of it is physical. You’re probably dehydrated. You’re probably not sleeping enough. You're probably surviving on caffeine and chips or whatever. And I get it when your mind is a mess, eating right and sleeping well feel impossible.

But your body is the machine that gets you out of this rut. If your body is crashing, your mind can’t focus. Your emotions spiral more easily. Start small: more water, less sugar. Stretch your body in the morning. Take deep breaths. Cook for urself , go outside. Move your body. Fuel it. Your energy and mental clarity will thank you. You don’t have to go from 0 to gym rat. You just have to treat your body like it matters.treat your body like how u will treat your child

5. FOCUS YOUR MIND

Right now, your thoughts are probably bouncing everywhere. You feel overwhelmed because your brain is trying to solve everything at once. But focus isn’t about doing everything. It’s about doing the next thing.

And to do that, you need clarity. You need to know what matters right now. not next week. not next year. right now. What’s one thing you can finish today that moves you forward? Is it doing laundry? Submitting an application? Journaling your feelings? Focus on that doing your homework ?. Give it all your attention. Turn ur phone off and pour into that one thing. Get used to being present. That’s what real focus feels like your full self showing up to a single task.

6. OWN YOUR TIME

When your life is a mess, time just slips through your fingers. Days go by and you don’t even know what you did. That stops now. You need to get intentional. Before bed, plan tomorrow. Write three things you want to accomplish. Block off your time, even if it’s just: wake up 1h before ur usual time , workout , cook breakfast... . It doesn’t have to be extreme. It just has to be deliberate.

Think of your time like currency. Once it’s spent, you don’t get it back. So don’t spend it on guilt, fear, overthinking, or distraction. Spend it on action. On healing. On building something that matters.

7. ALIGN SPIRITUALLY

Here’s the part no one talks about when you're in a mess: your soul is tired. U feel disconnected. You might not even remember what peace feels like. Locking in isn’t just about habits It’s also about realignment.

You are more than your productivity. You are more than your checklist. So pause. Sit with yourself. Be still. Breathe. Talk to God, the universe, your ancestors whatever u believe in , journal . Let your spirit speak too . Let your pain surface. Let yourself feel again. That’s where the answers you’re begging for will show up always have some minutes everyday whenever in the morning or night to sit and talk to urself and let everything out (negativity) .

8. EMBRACE DETACHMENT

Detachment isn’t about not caring it’s about caring from a place of peace not panic. When you’re locked in, you learn to release your grip on things you can’t control: people’s opinions, outcomes, and timing. You stop chasing, and instead, you start aligning. You don’t beg for energy, attention, or results you trust that what’s meant for you is flowing your way. The art of detachment is what keeps your power close. You give your best and focused, but you’re no longer shaken by what doesn’t go as planned. That’s is called control .To practice detachment, start by identifying what’s stressing you out or what you’re obsessing over ask yourself if it’s something you can change or if it’s beyond your control or out of it . Then, consciously let go of the attachment to that outcome or person. This doesn't mean you stop caring it means you trust that whatever happens is part of the journey and that it will all unfold as it’s meant to. You can practice detachment by shifting your focus back to what you can control your actions, your attitude, and your peace of mind. With time, detachment helps you remain calm, clear-headed, and more connected to your own path without being weighed down by the uncontrollable.

If your life feels messy, that doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you’re being called to level up. To stop floating. To stop waiting for someone to save you. Locking in isn’t boring it’s freedom. It’s how you take back control. And once you feel that click you’ll never want to go back.have a good luck 🍀.

@bloomzone

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traveler-at-heart · 1 month ago

Text

Stuck together

Wanda Maximoff x F! Super Soldier R

Summary: Canon divergence after Wandavision... what if Tommy and Billy are alive and stay with their mom?

Only a handful of people have this number.

So, when the phone rings, you know it’s trouble.

“We need a favor” Hill says. That we means Fury and her, as they constantly operate outside of the government’s rules.

The world has been too messy since everyone came back from the dead, making it easy to slip through the cracks.

You only say yes because Natasha was her friend.

The ride to the rendezvous point is quiet, only interrupted by the engine of your motorcycle. Throughout the road, you cross paths with one other driver who couldn’t care less about you.

“Sorry for the short notice” Maria says when you park outside the warehouse, walking up to you. “We didn’t know who else to call. There’s a safe house ready, food for a couple of days… that’s all we can offer for now”

You nod, walking up to the car.

The last thing you’re expecting is Wanda Maximoff, fast asleep in the back seat, a kid on each side of her.

“What am I supposed to do?”

“Keep an eye out” is all Maria says and you sigh.

For a moment, you wish you had ignored her call. Leave someone else to deal with whatever this is.

“It won’t be long, right?”

“Couple of weeks, tops”

Again, it gives you the impression she’s either lying or leaving out a big chunk of information.

But you’re here, and you won’t back out. She hands over the car keys and a burner phone, which you accept with a nod. Neither Wanda nor the kids notice the car moving, and you drive in silence for a couple of hours.

You’re still two hours away from the safe house when there’s a shift in the environment. The first thing you notice is how the radio malfunctions, changing stations randomly. Out of instinct, you look out the rearview mirror, eyes meeting bright red orbs.

It’s as if something stabbing your brain, pain blinding as you feel your mind unravel. It stops abruptly, but you’re too stunned, shaking your head and almost crashing against a tree.

Some outside force keeps the wheel steady, parking the car on the side of the road. The minute it stops, you open the door, breathing heavily. The throbbing pain begins to subside, and you can hear and see again.

“I’m sorry, I woke up and didn’t... didn’t know if we were safe” Wanda says, her voice small. You didn’t even hear her get out of the car.

“Ask next time, instead of trying to kill me” you turn to look away, to hide your confusion.

Even if you knew her for a small time, you don’t remember the Maximoff girl having this kind of power.

“I was just reading your mind” she defends herself. You’re about to argue again when she turns to the car, looking at the kids who are wide awake.

“Boys…” she begins, but looks your way and stays quiet. “Is there a restaurant nearby? We could have some food and a bathroom break”

“The safe house isn’t that far away” you say. You really don’t want to stop, considering Maria didn’t tell you anything specific.

“Please” Wanda says when you clear your throat. With a sigh, you nod. But before she can open the car door, you put your hand over it, looking straight into her green eyes. “Don’t ever do that again, Maximoff”

It annoys you that she doesn’t answer, only glaring at you until your hand drops and she gets in the car, smiling at the kids.

Luckily for them, there’s a small diner by the side of the road, along a gas station and a couple of old restrooms. Open 24 hours, probably to cater to truck drivers and other people who have to go miles without seeing another soul, never mind a place to eat.

Food probably sucks.

“Stay in the booth over there” you point to the back of the restaurant, sitting at the counter where you can see anyone walking in or driving by.

Within minutes of entering, you have already found any weapons you could use, emergency exits and potential obstacles.

But there’s nothing, no one seems to care about your presence.

The kids eat pancakes while Wanda watches them, making small talk. You wonder who are they.

Then again, the bleep brought a shit load of troubles with it. Maybe they disappeared five years ago and their parents are nowhere to be found.

So many people disappeared, aside from the ones that turned to dust.

“They just have to use the bathroom and we’re ready to go” Wanda says, frowning when she notices your empty cup of coffee. “Did you eat anything?”

“I’m fine. Don’t take too long” you leave a couple of bills on the counter, more than enough to cover for the food and your cup of crappy coffee.

The sun is starting to rise and you really wish you could get moving. It’s always better to go when it’s dark, even if enemies can hide in the shadows.

What’s taking so fucking long?

Walking away from the car, you find Wanda trying to stop a man from approaching her any further. He must have come from the other side of the road, as you didn’t see him until now.

“Just wondering what a cute girl like you is doing all alone down this dirty old road” he says.

“None of your fucking business” you say, making the man jump out, scared. “Leave her alone”

“You her guard dog? Be a nice mutt and go dig up some bones” he says, pulling out a knife.

With a roll of your eyes, you reach for it, twisting his hand and punching him in the face. It takes you five seconds to knock him out. Just for fun, you spit next to his motionless body.

“Told you to make it quick” you say to Wanda, pretending to be annoyed.

“We’re done” she says, walking back to the car. The kids share a look as they walk past the unconscious man, giggling when they pretend to be fighting each other.

Wanda smiles when you open the back door for her, while you pretend not to notice her eyes on you.

“Thank you”

Luckily, the rest of the ride to the safe house goes smoothly.

—

Maria didn’t lie about one thing.

This place is a shithole.

Wood pannels are broken, there’s dust everywhere and you’re gonna have to cook and get heat the old fashioned way.

“Yikes” one of the kids says as you walk through the door. You have to agree.

“It’s going to be fine. We’ll make it work” Wanda promises, feigning excitement.

“Can’t you just…?” you make a movement with your hands, and she frowns at you. “Abracadabra the place?”

“I’d rather not use my powers unless it is strictly necessary” she says, closing the front door. That falls off its hinges.

“Home security doesn’t strike you as a necessity, Maximoff?”

The tilt of her head is all the answer you get. With a sigh, you walk up to the shed, hoping there are some tools you can use to fix the door.

Well, at least there are weapons, cash, and all the essentials to make sure the door doesn’t fall again.

Home chores are not your favorite thing in the world, but at least it’s distracting you. Wanda is inside, cleaning the second floor while the two kids come up and down, carrying things and laughing.

“Do you need any help?” one of them approaches you.

“It’s fine. Sorry, I don’t know your name”

“I’m Billy, and my brother’s name is Tommy” the boy says, smiling. Though his brother seems reluctant to give out that information so freely.

“Well, Billy, like I said. I’m almost done. Thanks anyway”

“Oh. Ok”

The disappointment in his voice annoys you.

Kids.

“Fine. Nail that for me”

You hand over the hammer, holding the nail between two of your fingers. The first time he hits your hand, and you barely flinch. You encourage him with a nod, and he crashes the hammer against the rotten wood, adding another task to your workload.

“Sorry”

“That’s on me” you say, inspecting your hand. No damage.

“Are you bullet proof?”

“Not quite. Just harder to kill, that’s all”

Wanda clears her throat and you turn to look at her, frowning.

“Boys, come help in the kitchen” she asks and they both nod, walking past you. Before you can go back to work, Wanda approaches you, hissing. “I would appreciate it if you didn’t mention things like killing in front of two kids, Y/L/N”

With a glare, you stand up, and Wanda doesn’t back down when you tower over her.

“And I would appreciate it if you could make jazz hands and save me the trouble of fixing this shithole. But alas, we’re both stuck, aren’t we?”

“Brute” she spits out. You give her one last glare, and kneel back next to the door, fixing the wood.

Spoiled brat.

You hear a gasp and a small ball of red magic hits your side. It barely hurts, and it feels more like a warning.

You’re pretty sure you didn’t say that out loud.

“You thought it very loudly” Wanda says.

“Oh, for that you don’t mind using magic” you mutter. Wanda turns to glare at you, and you decide to shut your mouth.

You don't want to push your luck.

—

The better part of your day is spent securing the house. You’re a soldier and an agent, not a handywoman. Still, you hope this won’t take long and pretty soon you and Wanda can be on your separate ways.

After showering, you go out into the porch and open up a beer, taking a large gulp.

“Where’d you get that?” Wanda appears out of nowhere and you resist the urge to roll your eyes.

“Someone left a secret stash”

And thank God, because you’re gonna need it if Maximoff will be breathing down your neck for who knows how long.

“Beer on an empty stomach? There’s food inside. Not my best, but with the groceries we have is what I could do”

“No offense but if I don’t make it, I don’t taste it” you mutter, taking another sip of your beer.

“Yeah, well, you’re no use if you’re drunk” she complains, crossing her arms.

“Do you really think this gets me drunk? I’m a super soldier, remember?”

“You’re a pain in the ass, that’s what you are” she says before going back inside.

Well, she’s not wrong.

The sounds coming from inside the house tell you the kids are getting ready for bed. Once you notice the lights upstairs are off, you decide to go to the kitchen.

Wanda’s right, whoever got the provisions is an idiot. There’s canned food, some cereal, but nothing that can actually work if you put it together.

Unless…

Could there be another hidden stash?

You examine every inch of the kitchen thoroughly, knuckles testing the wood to find an empty panel. After a few minutes, you stumble upon one and smile.

“Bingo” you say, lifting the pannel and finding a cabinet full of cookies, chips and candy.

You pick a bag of chips, and go back outside, drinking another beer. As you look at the woods surrounding the safe house, your mind can’t help but go back to what little you know about Wanda Maximoff.

Natasha had told you she was just a terrified kid, that HYDRA had taken advantage of her and her brother to conduct experiments and turn them into weapons.

You could definitely relate to that.

You barely spent time with her, as shortly after the entire Avenger initiative went to shit and well…

Best not to think about what happened after that. The nightmares are enough reminder.

The night goes by slowly, but you refuse to sleep. One, you are supposed to be looking after them, no matter how much Wanda annoys you. Second, if it were up to you, you’d never sleep. So, you struggle to stay awake, even if it’s freezing outside.

Around five in the morning, you begin to doze off, and decide to take a walk around the house to make sure everything’s in order.

By eight, the lulling sound of birds chirping relaxes you enough, the way it always does when you’re back home, so you begin to drift off…

Until you feel a little flick hitting your cheek. It’s annoying, like a bug, but you think nothing of it as you settle in the chair.

But then it happens two more times. You huff, smacking your own cheek hoping to catch the bug. You look at your empty palm, skin stinging with the force of your own hit.

For a few minutes, you close your eyes, pretending to be asleep. Alert to any change around you, you finally manage to reach and catch the little culprit.

“You little shit” you mutter, but are surprised to see Tommy right next to you, struggling with the hand that is holding to his shirt.

“Mom!” he begins to yell, scared out of his mind.

What the fuck do you mean mom?

You don’t have time to ask out loud, as a burst of red magic throws you out of the porch and into the front lawn.

The sight of Wanda levitating, eyes glowing red makes you crawl back, terrified. It’s been a while since you’ve been scared shitless by something, that’s for sure.

“I will kill you” she states, her accent heavy as a hand reaches forward, red magic curling around your throat and lifting you up in the air.

Oh, well. You had a nice run. It’s very clear that nothing you do will overpower her. It doesn’t matter how strong you are, Wanda’s magic can hold you down, throw you around, choke the life out of you like she’s doing right now.

There are worse ways to go.

“Mom, stop, please!”

The lack of air is probably making you hallucinate, but a second later you’re dropped to the ground, coughing violently and rubbing your neck.

“Tommy, don’t” Wanda pulls him to her side when he tries to reach you and you see fear in her eyes.

She thinks you’ll hurt the boy.

Now, that stings more than the murder attempt she just pulled off.

When you feel like you finally caught your breath, you stand up on shaky legs, and walk away from the house and into the woods.

You don’t stop until you find a small clear and drop against a log, panting.

Maria picks up immediately.

“You’re gonna tell me the fucking truth”

“What…”

“She’s more than capable of taking care of herself. Why the fuck did you call me, then?”

There’s a pause that extends for longer than you’d like and you’re about to tell her how Wanda almost killed you when Maria sighs, giving up.

“Her powers are… unstable. Or rather, she is. I don’t have clearance to tell you everything. But we want to know if she can be a threat”

“To whom?”

“To the world”

You feel like throwing up. You should have never answered the call, you’re way over your head.

“I’m not someone who should be making those decisions. Find anyone else”

“We don’t trust anyone else enough to…”

“Call Barton”

“He’s retired”

“Well, unretire his ass. He knows her better than I do, Hill”

You have a feeling this is is an argument you’re not gonna win, unless you just pick up your shit and leave. Which you could very well do considering what just happened.

A scream that tears throw the quiet of the forest makes you look up.

“I have to go” you say, discarding the burner phone and running back to the house.

Billy’s the one screaming, but you can’t tell why until you reach the edge of the property, looking between Wanda and a strange woman, piercing blue eyes and wild brown hair making her look deranged.

“What…?”

Then, you notice the dagger she’s holding against Billy’s throat.

“Don’t pull any tricks, Wanda. I’m done playing nice”

#wanda maximoff x reader #wanda maximoff x you #wanda maximoff x y/n

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pitlanepeach · 26 days ago

Text

Radio Silence | Chapter Five

Lando Norris x Amelia Brown (OFC)

Series Masterlist

Summary — Order is everything. Her habits aren't quirks, they're survival techniques. And only three people in the world have permission to touch her: Mom, Dad, Fernando.

Then Lando Norris happens.

One moment. One line crossed. No going back.

Warnings — Autistic!OFC, detailed meltdown on-page, angst.

Notes — Another double update, go me! PSA: Our Amelia has a bit of a difficult time in this one. Take care of yourselves x

Want to be added to the taglist? Let me know! - Peach x

2019

WhatsApp Groupchat — The 2019 F1 Grid

Charles L. I have found an iPad in Ferrari hospitality. It is engraved with the initials A.B. Any ideas?

Lewis H. Does it have a bunny sticker on it?

Charles L. Yes!

Lewis H. That’s Amelia’s, then.

Lando N. lol I’ll come get it just gimme 10 mins im in a debrief rn

Charles L. Sure no problem Amelia is Zak Brown’s daughter, yes?

George R. Yeah mate The smart one.

Sebastian V. Haha. She is the one Binotto wants? Brown hair, pretty smile?

Lando N. Bro.

Lewis H. @Sebastian — Mattia has tried to get her to Ferrari?

Sebastian V. Yes. He’s offered her some very lucrative opportunities. She has so far turned all of them down.

Carlos S. She’s loyal to McLaren. Leave her to us, yes?

Valtteri B. But if she ever decided to go elsewhere, Mercedes would make sense.

Lewis H. Yeah obviously 👍🏻

Lando N. ????????????

Lance S. If she was offered a million dollars to fix the Racing Point car, do you think she’d take it? Not a hypothetical. My dad wants to know.

Max V. Money won’t work. You forget she’s already the child of a millionaire.

Lance S. Damn it.

Kimi R. Is this the child always in Norris’ garage?

Lando N. Don’t call her a child we are literally the same age

Kimi R. That does not change the fact

Daniel R. But seriously, why was she even in Ferrari hospitality in the first place?

Max V. Ice cream.

Lando N. Ice cream

Lewis H. Ice cream.

Sebastian V. I can confirm she was here for ice cream. Pistachio, specifically.

Charles L. I cannot believe I’ve still never met her. Is she really so smart?

Lando N. Yes.

Pierre G. Absolutely.

Max V. Smarter than you are capable of comprehending, Charles.

Charles L. Then I suppose I will just have to charm her into accepting Mattia’s offer 😌

Lando N. I will put in the wall, Leclerc.

Charles L. Oh! You are together with her, Lando? I didn’t know!

Lando N. No, we’re not together.

Charles L. Then I am confused.

Max V. Her father has practically forbade them from dating. Total nonsense if you ask me.

Carlos S. They are dating.

Daniel R. @Carlos 😳😳😳

Lando N. @Carlos NO WE ARE NOT STOP SAYING THAT

Sergio P. Mucho defensive…

Carlos S. He wrote his race number on her shoes.

Lando N. So what? That means nothing.

Daniel R. Oh brother….

Max V. Yeah, sorry, I can’t even back you on that one Lando. That’s a lot.

Kimi R. My wife had my number stitched into her shoes. We got married six months later.

George R. So Kimi is saying you’re basically engaged, bro.

Lewis H. Let’s stop talking about this. Before Lando has a full on meltdown.

Charles L. Too late. He has arrived for the iPad with a terrible attitude.

Lando N. I hate all of you.

—

Subject: Workplace Conduct Reminder – Inclusivity & Respect at McLaren

From: HR Department To: All McLaren Racing Staff Date: [Sunday, post-race, 10:42 PM]

Dear Team,

As the season continues and tensions rise both on and off the track, we’d like to take a moment to remind everyone of McLaren’s core values — collaboration, respect, and inclusion.

We are incredibly proud of the diversity across our team, from engineering to strategy, operations to communications. Every person is here because they bring something exceptional to the table — and that includes our colleagues who may experience or perceive the world differently than others.

We ask that all team members remain mindful of the following:

Neurodiversity is not a barrier — it is an asset. Please be conscious of language and behaviour that may unintentionally alienate or diminish the contributions of individuals who may process things differently. This includes members of our extended team, trusted advisors, and collaborators who work closely with us — regardless of job title or official role.

“Vibes” are not a metric — Judging someone’s energy, personality, or communication style is not only unprofessional but also unfair. Everyone representing or contributing to McLaren, formally or informally, deserves respect.

Support one another — Whether someone wears McLaren orange full-time or contributes behind the scenes, everyone here plays a part in our collective success.

Rumours are not culture — Let’s keep paddock gossip out of professional spaces. If you have concerns, we encourage you to speak directly to your manager or HR.

This message is not in response to any one incident but rather a gentle pit stop reminder: our team functions best when everyone feels seen, heard, and safe.

If you have any questions or want to speak to someone in confidence, please feel free to reach out to HR directly. We’re here to help.

Kind regards, The McLaren Racing HR Team [[email protected]]

—

iMessage — 11:40pm

Lando Yo, did you see the email?

Carlos Sí.

Lando Kinda hardcore. Glad Zak did something

Carlos Somebody said something to Amelia?

Lando Yeah someone in PR idk I feel like I should know more about her stuff I feel stupid tho. Like I don’t know anything. Just that she’s Amelia yano

Carlos I did some reading. Come to my hotel room. We eat pizza. I will teach you what I know and we can google the rest.

Lando Legend. Thanks, mate.

—

The course he took her to wasn’t flashy — quiet, tucked away, the kind of place her dad’s friends would never be caught dead in. That was intentional. They weren’t exactly hiding their… friendship, but they weren’t trying to advertise it either.

Amelia stared down at the club he’d handed her like it was a piece of martian debris.

“This is very stupid,” she muttered. “Pointless, really.”

“It is,” Lando agreed, his lips twitching. “Just hit the ball.”

She squinted at the tiny white ball he’d settled on the grass in front of her. “Is it supposed to just… go?”

“Yes.”

“Like in a line?” she clarified, glancing at him.

He shrugged. “In theory.”

She swung. Missed.

Lando clapped anyway. “Incredible form. I’ve never seen such calculated failure.”

“It was bad,” she said seriously. “I didn’t hit the ball. I made a hole in the grass, Lando.” She stared down at the muddy crater with quiet horror.

He just gave her an encouraging nod, gesturing for her to try again.

She sighed, feeling the beginning of a stress rash creep along her neck. But she tried again. And that time, she hit it — not far, just a lazy roll across the grass — but enough to surprise herself. Lando caught the way her eyes widened, saw the exact moment the thrill overtook her frustration.

He didn’t say anything. Just handed her another ball.

They kept going like that for a while — her slowly getting the hang of it, him slipping in dumb jokes and patient explanations between swings. She never asked for help, but he noticed how closely she watched every move he made. Her eyes, always sharp, always calculating.

Eventually, she dropped to the grass with a dramatic sigh and said, “Why do people think this is relaxing? I’m hot and my legs are tired.”

Lando chuckled and sat beside her, kicking his legs out long. “I think it’s relaxing. Your dad likes it.”

“I don’t want to talk about my dad. It makes me stressed.”

“Yeah?” He asked.

She pulled at a blade of grass, rolled it between her fingers. “He told me again that it would be better if I stayed away from you. He said it would make things easier. For me. For you. For the team.” She continued.

Lando let the silence sit for a moment before asking, his voice quiet and slightly unsure. “What do you want?”

“I don’t know,” she shrugged. “I want him to not worry. I want him to trust me. I want…” She hesitated, frowning at the grass. “I want to feel like I can make my own choices without feeling like I might wreck everything.”

“You’re not wrecking anything,” Lando said. He tapped the ground next to her leg and she glanced at him, blinking. “I like hanging out with you.” He told her.

She didn’t say anything, just flicked the blade of grass from her fingers and looked at the trees that surrounded the course. “I don’t know what I feel yet,” she said finally. “Toward you, I mean. But I know that I have liked this. Today. Not the golf. Being with you.”

Lando grinned — couldn’t help himself. Probably looked like a right knob, but he didn’t care. “Want to keep playing?” He asked.

She gave him a look. “I might get fined for ruining so much of their grass.”

He handed her another ball. Shrugged. Smirked. “It’s fine. I make a lot of money.”

She rolled her eyes.

—

Amelia shut her bedroom door with more force than she meant to and leaned against it, breath caught high in her chest like she’d just ran a marathon. Her bag hit the floor. Her hands were shaking.

She didn’t know why. Except; she did.

Her body was full of something too big. Too much. A knot of heat and noise and confusion that had no exit. It felt like all the inside parts of her were pressing outward, like she might split open if she didn't stay still.

She pressed her palms hard into her eyes like she could push it all back in. But it was already too late. The thoughts were everywhere; spilled oil, tangled cords, static static static. Her brain wouldn’t quiet down. Wouldn’t give her space to think.

She’d had a good day. That was the worst part.

Lando had been good.

He never looked at her like she was difficult. He didn’t act like she was hard work. When she didn’t catch onto something the first time, he just explained again. No sighing. No staring. No pretending. Things weren’t easy with him, not exactly, but they were lighter. Easier.

She sat hard on her bed and the tears came without warning; fast, silent, relentless.

She didn’t cry often. Usually she just shut down. Usually the wall slammed down before anything could spill out. But this time everything had slipped past it, and now she was sobbing, but it didn’t even feel like crying. It felt like her whole nervous system had shattered.

A knock at the door.

“Amelia?” her mum’s voice, soft. “We just got back. Can I come in?”

She didn’t answer. Just turned her face away and wiped at it, even though the tears kept falling. Her skin was already stinging. Her chest was tight.

The door creaked open.

“I’m not upset,” Amelia said fast, panicked. “I didn’t do anything wrong. I don’t know why I feel like this. No. I do. I do. I just don’t know what to do with it. And I don’t want to talk about it—except I do. I do, I just—” She broke off, swallowing hard.

Her mum sat on the edge of the bed, calm. Grounding.

“I went out with Lando today,” Amelia said, too fast. “To play golf. His idea. He said we should do something fun. So I did. And it was fun. I didn’t freak out or embarrass myself. I didn’t ruin it. I didn’t ruin it.”

She dug her nails into her palms. Her face was blotchy and sore.

“He makes me feel normal,” she whispered. “Not small. Not like a problem. Just… me. And now I don’t know what I feel. I think I want him to be my friend. Or maybe something else. I don’t know. And I don’t want to know, because it doesn’t matter.”

“Why doesn’t it matter?” Her mum asked calmly.

Amelia blinked at her, and then, like someone flicked a switch, the anger surged. Hot and fast, like a fever.

“Because of Dad,” she spat. “Because he thinks that it would be a distraction. Because he thinks I’ll screw everything up just by being around. Like I’m some walking disease that’s gonna infect Lando’s entire career. I know that’s what he’s worried about the most.”

She was breathing too fast. Her limbs were twitching now, hands clenching and unclenching.

“I don’t have friends,” she said. “You know that. I’ve never had friends. Not ones that stay. I get too intense. Too blunt. Too weird. Too tired. And people always stop trying.”Her voice cracked. Her throat burned. “But Lando didn’t stop. He hasn’t stopped. And it’s still not enough. I still don’t get to have this one good thing without it turning into a problem.”

The sobs came back, messy and loud this time. She stood up too fast, swaying. Her hands started moving uncontrollably at her sides; jerky, uncoordinated. A warning sign. The meltdown was building and she couldn’t stop it, could never stop it.

Her mum stood too, moving slow, blocking her path without touching her.

“Okay, sweetheart. You don’t have to think about any of that right now.” Her mom’s attempts to comfort her were useless against the onslaught of emotions she was feeling.

“I’m so angry,” Amelia choked out. “I finally feel calm, I finally feel seen, and it’s not allowed. I’m not allowed to want something or feel something if it’s inconvenient for anyone else!”

She was trembling now. Her skin felt wrong. Her body wasn’t hers anymore. She wanted to rip it off. She wanted to scream and break things. Instead, she clenched her fists and shook and shook and shook.

“Do you want me to get your things?” her mum asked, voice calm, anchoring.

Amelia nodded hard. “Yes. My weighted blanket. And the golf ball. It’s in my bag. Lando bought it for me and I want to hold it. It’s yellow.”

“I’ll get everything,” her mum said gently.

“I’m not doing this on purpose,” Amelia shouted, the volume jarring even to herself. “I’m trying so hard. All the time. I’m always trying.”

“I know,” her mum said. “And I’m proud of you. Every day.”

Amelia slid to the floor. Her body folded in on itself, hands clawed into her sleeves, breathing uneven.

The noise in her head kept rising.

Usually, this was when she wanted her dad. Wanted him to sit next to her. Watch a race in silence. Be there without asking anything of her.

But not now.

Now, all she wanted was for him to stay far, far away.

—

It was almost midnight.

Her room was quiet now; weighted blanket pulled up to her chest, lights off, only the soft blue glow of her phone screen lighting her face. The golf ball sat in her right hand, warm from where she’d been holding it for hours. She kept rolling it between her fingers, feeling the small ridges, the smoothness. Grounding.

She had stopped shaking, but her body was aching like one big bruised muscle.

She stared at the message thread with Lando, her thumb hovering, retreating, hovering again.

She didn’t know what to say.

Everything in her head still felt too big. Too messy. But the quiet between them was worse. Not bad, not uncomfortable, just... unfamiliar. She wanted to talk to him.

Finally, she started typing.

—

iMessage — 10:11pm

Amelia I didn’t enjoy golf very much. But I liked being with you. Thank you for inviting me.

Lando Norris I’m glad you came anyway We had fun though, right? I had fun :)

Amelia Yes, I had fun. It was confusing. But in a good way. I liked learning something new.

Lando Norris I liked today too You were kind of great We should do more new things together. Just us

Amelia Maybe. I feel strange tonight. My head is a bit loud.

Lando Norris That’s alright

Amelia Do you think if I asked you questions about your Formula Three races… you would answer them?

Lando Norris Absolutely I’d love that Haven’t talked about F3 in ages Might be nice to remember

Amelia Okay. What did it feel like the first time you won?

Lando Norris Like my hands knew before I did Like the whole world stopped for one second so I could catch up It felt… right. Like I was exactly where I was supposed to be ya know

Amelia Oh

Lando Norris: You okay?

Amelia: I forgot all the questions I had for you. Sorry.

Lando Norris That’s okay. Don’t worry. Your brain’s probably sleepy. It’s late Are you tired?

Amelia Yes. I got upset earlier for no reason and it’s made me tired I’ll go to sleep now. Thank you for texting me back. Goodnight.

Lando Norris You don’t have to thank me for that I like talking to you Feel better soon, yeah? Goodnight x

—

The house was still, the kind of stillness that only came after a storm.

Tracy sat on the couch in the dark, legs curled beneath her, a half-cold mug of tea resting in her hands. She hadn’t moved since she’d come downstairs after leaving Amelia. The couch blanket was draped over her shoulders, but she still shivered slightly, not from the cold, but from the heavy weight of witnessing her daughter’s pain.

Zak entered quietly, the door clicking shut behind him. He didn’t speak at first. Just stood in the doorway, tie loose, shoulders slumped, guilt etched deep into the lines around his eyes. After a long moment, he crossed the room and sat down beside her.

Tracy didn’t look at him. Just murmured, “She’s asleep now. I checked a minute ago.”

Zak nodded slowly. “She didn’t ask for me.”

“She didn’t want to be touched. Didn’t want help. Just needed space.” Tracy’s voice cracked, but she kept it steady. “She was barely holding on, Zak. I haven’t seen her like that in a long time.”

“I didn’t mean to make it worse,” he said too quickly. “I just… I thought I was protecting her.”

“I know you did,” Tracy replied gently.

Zak stared at the floor. “I didn’t think it would hurt her like this. I thought—” He faltered. “I thought keeping her away from Lando would keep things simple. Keep her safe. From getting hurt. Or confused. Or from people talking. From getting her hopes up.”

“You didn’t trust her,” Tracy said. Not accusing, just honest.

Zak exhaled hard. “No. I didn’t trust him.”

Tracy finally turned to look at him. “But he’s been good to her. You’ve seen that, surely.”

“I have,” Zak admitted, tersely.

“But it wasn’t on your terms,” Tracy said. “So you didn’t like it.”

Zak didn’t argue.

“She’s not a problem to solve, Zak. She’s our daughter. And she’s doing something incredibly brave. She’s opening up. She’s connecting. That’s huge for her.”

“I know,” he said quietly. “God, I know. I just…” He broke off, ran a hand through his hair. “Why did it have to be him? Why couldn’t it have been someone safer?”

“Because love isn’t safe,” Tracy said. “And friendship isn’t simple. And if you’re lucky enough to find someone who makes you feel okay in your skin, even just for a little while, that’s not a risk for someone like her. That’s a lifeline.”

Zak leaned back, scrubbing a hand over his face. He looked hollowed out. “I feel like I’ve completely blown it.”

“You haven’t,” Tracy said gently. “But you will if you keep pushing like this. If you keep trying to prevent something that is starting to seem pretty much inevitable.”

Zak was quiet.

“She loves you,” Tracy added. “But she can’t keep fighting you on this. Not when she’s also fighting herself. That kind of pressure… it’ll break her.”

That landed like a stone. He blinked against the sting in his eyes and nodded, slow and tired. “Okay,” he whispered. “Yeah. Okay. Fine.”

Tracy leaned into him and kissed the rough edge of his jaw. “You’re a good father, Zak. She knows that. She’ll forgive you.”

Zak didn’t answer right away. Just stared at the dark hallway.

“She didn’t ask for me,” he said again, softer this time. Raw. Frayed.

Tracy sighed and rested her head on his shoulder. “I know, honey.”

—

The flat was quiet, except for the hum of the fridge and the occasional thump of bass through the wall from the upstairs neighbours. Lando sat cross-legged on the sofa, eyes unfocused on the muted Rally Car stream playing on the TV. Max was in the kitchen, one sock on, microwaving some disastrous smelling leftover curry.

“You ever liked someone,” Lando said suddenly, not looking up, “so much that even the idea of them ruining your life doesn’t sound that bad?”

Max made a noise that landed somewhere between a laugh and a sigh. “Christ, mate. What brought that on?”

Lando shrugged. “Dunno. I’ve just been thinking.”

“About Amelia?” Max asked, already knowing. He padded over and dropped into the armchair opposite, bowl in his lap.

Lando exhaled slowly. “I really fucking like her. It doesn’t make sense. She’s, I mean— Jesus, I don’t know. Feels like I can breathe right around her, you know?”

Max didn’t answer right away. Just stirred the curry and watched the screen for a second. Then, gently: “Yeah. I get that. But... Come on, mate. You sure this isn’t a bit too much, too fast?”

Lando looked over. Frowned. “What do you mean?”

Max shifted, trying to find words. “It’s not just about liking someone. It’s about who she is. Like, she’s your boss’s daughter. That’s... not insignificant here.”

“I know that.” Lando bit back.

“Okay. But do you really know what it means? If something goes wrong, if it ends, and ends messy, it’s not like you can just walk away. There’s no possibility of a clean break with her.”

Lando was quiet, but his jaw tightened.

“I’m not trying to scare you off,” Max added quickly. “I just... I know how much you’ve worked for this. Since you were, what, six? Your whole life’s been about driving. Being the best. And now you’re closer than ever.”

“I’m not giving up racing,” Lando snapped, defensive before Max even finished.

“I didn’t say you were,” Max snapped right back at him. “I just don’t want you to stop being Lando Norris: F1 driver and become Lando Norris: the guy who fucked around with his boss’ daughter, you know?”

Lando stared down at his hands. He felt like a piece of shit as he said, “Zak’s basically said the same thing. So has my dad.”

Max nodded. “‘Cause we’re all thinking the same thing, mate.”

Lando rubbed his hands over his face and pulled his hood up. “Maybe you’re right,” he mumbled. “Maybe this isn’t... good timing.”

Max didn’t say anything. He just went back to eating, quiet again.

And Lando hated that suddenly it felt like all of their reasons made sense.

—

The air was different now. Cooler. Thinner. The sun still came through her window in the morning, but it didn’t cling to the walls the same way. The trees had started to shift, just barely, into that pre-autumn colour. And Amelia felt like she was holding her breath all the time. For something. For nothing.

She hadn’t spoken to Lando for days. Not since she'd sent him a photo of the coffee shop in town that had spelled her name wrong again, and all she got back was a laughing emoji. No reply. No question. Just that.

It felt like a door closing very slowly.

She was sitting in the bay window of her bedroom, blanket around her shoulders, golf ball in one hand and her phone in the other. It was the fourth time she'd opened their chat and closed it again. The most recent messages sat there like ghosts.

—

iMessage — 9:04am

Amelia Hope you’re not too tired from training.

—

Read. Two days ago. No response.

Her fingers hovered over the keyboard, unsure what to write that wouldn’t sound… needy. Or hurt. Or desperate. God, she hated the idea of being too much. It made her skin itch. She didn’t want to become exactly what people were always assuming that she’d be.

She pressed her palms to her eyes, trying to steady her breathing, her thoughts, her everything. But it hurt in a way she didn’t understand; this slow, quiet loss. It hurt in a way she didn’t have a name for. It felt a lot like emptiness.

“Don’t spiral,” she whispered to herself, rocking gently, rhythmically. “Don’t spiral. Don’t spiral.”

But it felt like she already was.

—

Both McLaren cars DNF’d in Belgium; the first race back after the Summer break.

She’d written it down two hours before lights out — in the margin of an old notebook, under a page of technical notes she hadn’t meant to be looking at anymore. The exact reason. The probable lap. A strange little instinct that curled in her gut and told her today’s not going to go the way they want it to.

She closed the notebook and put it back in the drawer, and told herself it didn’t matter.

Nobody would ever know. Nobody would ever ask. Because she wasn’t in the garage. Wasn’t in the paddock. Wasn’t even watching from the hospitality suite like she always did, like clockwork.

She was in Woking. In her bedroom. As far from Lando’s garage, from the paddock, as she could possibly be.

And on the TV, when the Sky Sports commentator mentioned her absence like it was some small anomaly (“No sign of Amelia Brown in Norris’ McLaren garage today. Odd, considering she rarely misses a weekend”) she didn’t feel flattered or seen or missed.

She felt sick.

Like the air got thinner the second they said her name.

So she turned it off.

Just like that.

The screen went dark. The sound cut out. And for the first time in ten years, she didn’t watch the entire race.

Not because she didn’t want to.

But because it hurt too much.

NEXT CHAPTER

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megwritesriddles · 1 month ago

Text

The First Move ༊*·˚

18+ MDNI !!!

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem! Reader / You

Summary: A slightly disorganised account of being friends-with-benefits (or slightly more) with Spencer Reid.

Tags: Unprotected sex (birth control mentioned though), Creampie, P in V, Semi-public office sex, Fingering, Friends with Benefits, Secret relationship, Very minor hinted breeding kink (?), Awkward/Inexperienced!Spencer, Pining, Spencer Reid in glasses, Menstruation mention.

Word count: 3.7k

all fandom masterlist | cm masterlist | read it on ao3

Authors note: This will probably be my last fic for quite a while because all my final uni due dates are rapidly approaching and sadly I need to focus on them, I will be back tho... I feel like this has a weird structure but I'm prob just in my head about it lol... Hope you like it anyway mwah ( ◕◡◕)っ ♡

︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶

Spencer had never known what to answer when asked if he had a type, frustrated how regularly the question seemed to come up despite it being nobody's business but his own. His life had given him room for very few crushes over the years, in fact, for a long time in his teen years he had thought that sex and romance was uninteresting to him entirely, caught up in his studies and with no one age appropriate around to latch onto with his developing hormones. Sure, he saw pretty girls that caught his eye on occasion, but he was never around them enough to know if that feeling was anything more than aesthetic. He’d thought he was different from everyone else in this aspect as he was in most other ways, and had more or less come to terms with it, when it all changed. He hated change, even if this change made him more ‘normal’, and had been completely thrown off when he realised he could in fact experience crushes and arousal towards real women, rather than just fictional characters. It turned out, he had just been looking for something specific.

Now he knew what his ‘type’ was, but still had no answer to the question when asked, too embarrassed to admit it. He liked a woman who took charge, not to the point of a specific dynamic, but a confident woman who made the first moves. Perhaps it was a symptom of his insecurity, perhaps his general personality, but he found it very arousing when a woman took charge of him, showing unabashed interest and guiding him around. He wanted, deeply, to be wanted. You were just that, and deep down he’d known it from the moment he met you. Immediately, he was interested when he met you in the BAU meeting room, you being introduced as the newest member of the team. You were well-dressed and styled, but not to the point of standing out or being flashy, tasteful quality fabrics and an air of confidence most new recruits didn’t have. And, of course, you were insanely beautiful.

For months, he did nothing about the crush he was harbouring on you. He didn’t have the confidence, and either way, you were coworkers, it would just get messy if you did get involved in some way. Yet, when you made the first move, all of Spencer’s worries flew out of the window.

“I like your shirt,” you smile wryly, sitting yourself on his desk in front of him, forcing his eyes upward away from the case files he’s reviewing. He flushes. The two of you are completely alone in the bullpen, not for the first time, both working overtime. It’s another thing he likes about you, similar dedication to the work. He clears his throat.

“Thanks,” he gives an awkward tightlipped smile, spinning his pen between his fingers. You smile back, tilting your head and tracing your eyes down the fabric. A subtle light purple floral print.

“Most guys wouldn’t wear something like that,” you hum. The comment makes him nervous.

“I- uh… I know it’s not very manly–” he stammers, flushed and embarrassed, assuming you were being backhanded. He knew he didn’t dress macho like someone like Morgan, but at various times he’d gone shopping and tried on more ‘manly’ outfits, he’d just felt so completely ridiculous and not himself, so had given up on it. He liked the clothes he wore, did it really matter what other people thought? They already found him weird either way. But when it was you saying it, suddenly it mattered more than ever.

“No! Reid!” A chuckle escapes your lips despite yourself. “I’m serious, I like it, it’s a compliment, it’s fun,” you reach out, running a fingertip over the sleeve, making his muscles tense a little. He swallows, averting his eyes for a moment before looking back at you.

“Sorry I… I’m used to people meaning the opposite of what they say… you know?” he laughs nervously, stopping himself from speaking further, watching your hand fall back to your side. You shrug.

“I always mean what I say, I don’t bother with games, it’s a great shirt,” A moment of silence passes as your eyes meet. Spencer can’t seem to stop himself opening his mouth again.

“And anyway… I certainly wouldn’t describe myself as fun, I’m like… the opposite of fun… I uh…” he voice dies away as his eyes follow your hand up to play with the small pendant on your necklace, drawing his attention to your cleavage. He’s sure you didn’t have so many buttons popped earlier today. He mentally berates himself for even having noticed that, but can’t seem to draw his eyes away from your chest, especially as you lean forward a little. You notice his wide eyes on you and it reminds you why you came over here in the first place.

“Do you like my shirt, Dr Reid?” you whisper, your voice low and sultry and immediately travelling down to his crotch. The question throws him off and he flounders, his mouth gaping for a moment, the pen stopping between his fingers. Lashes flutter as his eyes meet yours, praying he isn’t imagining the lust he sees there. Still, he’s too nervous he’s misinterpreting you. He cannot comment on your body, the last thing he wants to do is ever make you uncomfortable, so he stays somewhere safer, albeit, unconvincingly.

“It’s a great… colour,” he smiles shakily. This seems to be the wrong answer, as your face falls a little in disappointment. For a moment, you think he’s rebuffed you, perhaps you’d been imagining his staring all this time and he really wasn’t interested. You shift your legs, preparing to hop off of his desk and leave him alone, when you spot his eyes darting to your thighs, Adam’s apple bobbing noticeably, eyes dark. Taking a great risk, you shift your legs again, spreading them just slightly, trying to cling onto your flimsy prospect of plausible deniability. His breath hitches, his eyes wide and laser-focused. The shadow of a bulge in his slacks as you glance down his body is all you need to finally stop beating around the bush.

“You’re getting hard,” you state simply, keeping your word about not playing games. Spencer’s mouth falls open, completely in shock that you’ve said that to him. Though he hadn’t yet noticed it himself, he can’t really deny it, glancing down, it’s clear that it’s pretty unmistakable. Your directness turns him on, so when you reach down, your hand curling around his tie and pulling him forward, he goes more than willingly toward you, rising from his desk chair. “I could help you with it,” you whisper as his lips stop just before yours, a shaky breath washing over them. “If you want…” you add with a seductive purr. He nods an eager agreement, eyes closed and breaths shallow, moaning the instant your lips touch. It’s nervous, as many first kisses are, Spencer is a little shaky, needing you to guide him to stand between your legs. You play with the strands of hair by his ear, using them to keep him held close, though he isn't exactly trying to pull away. An uncertain hand cups your jaw and he draws your bottom lip into his mouth, sucking lightly. It’s the only move in his repertoire, but it works beautifully, drawing a soft sinful sound from your lips. He responds in kind, whining as both of your hands tangle into his hair. To him, it’s heaven. When you lie back, he barely allows his lips to disconnect from yours, following you down in desperation, propping himself over top of your body. As your legs wrap around his hips and pull him in, he’s done for.

The night turns into your first hook-up of many to come. You let him take you on his desk, finding his fumbling enthusiasm both endearing and sexy. He’s gentle and cautious, it’s obvious he’s nervous beyond belief, but you placate him with sweet words, and take the lead whenever you need to. He’s long, thin and slightly curved, his head falling into the crook of your neck with a loud moan as he bottoms out inside of you. The actual sex is over a little fast, this isn’t his first time, but it’s not far from it, combined with the fact the two of you are technically in public and that he’s having sex with you of all people, means he really has no hope lasting long. Honestly, he thinks it’s a miracle he lasted as long as he did. Breathless and apologetic, he tries to think what to do next. He’s no douchebag, he isn’t going to use you and disregard your pleasure, but he’s entirely unsure how to achieve your pleasure. In theory, yes, he knows everything about pleasing a woman from all the books he’s read in case of this situation. But it is so very different to be presented with the real thing. You don’t look like one of the clinical diagrams he’s used to seeing, and he’s not sure he’s entirely lucid after being allowed to come inside of you. Seeing his release dripping out of you doesn’t help. You giggle a little as you see his wide-eyed look, the gasp that leaves his lips.

“I think I’ve just discovered something about myself,” he confesses, pupils dilated as he thoughtlessly reaches up and uses his finger to push the release back into you. The moan you grant him tells him you liked the action as much as he did. He gets to work trying to recreate what he’s read in his books now that his hand is on you anyway. After a good while of figuring out your anatomy, he’s surprisingly deft with his fingers. You knew you’d always stared at his hands for a reason. You pull him down for a kiss as you come, very glad for your birth control.

He can’t quite believe he’s had sex with you, sitting completely dazed on the metro on the way home afterward. He’d never done something so wild, with so little forethought or discussion, in his life. He certainly can’t bring himself to regret anything. Despite making very sure with you that no evidence was left behind, he was anxious, convinced that everyone would somehow know what had happened on his desk when they came into work the next day. He replays the encounter over and over in his head once he’s at home in his bed, never so grateful for his eidetic memory. Part of him wants to call you, but he just can’t get himself to.

It was nearly a month before you hooked up again, much to both of your chagrin. You had been waiting around for him to invite you to his apartment or something but slowly came to realise it wasn’t going to happen. He was still too nervous around you, more so than before, despite what you had done together. Constantly stuttering and wringing his hands when talking to you about a case, staring longingly across the bullpen and following you around like a lost puppy when on a case together. With his behaviour as it was, it was a testament to his professionalism that he was able to focus on the cases at all, but whenever there was a quiet moment, it was back to you. It amused you that no one on the team had figured out what had happened, just assuming Spencer’s little crush had got worse, always shocked how you managed to stay ‘oblivious’. He brought you coffee, carried your go-bag onto the plane for you, always hanging around you afterward for a while, staring at you shyly and waiting. But he never once dared to make the first move.

Eventually, you get sick of his pining and you just invite yourself to his apartment, catching up to him as he leaves work and threading your arm through his, taking the metro with him. He seems over the moon, chattering with nervous excitement to you as you walk from the metro station to his apartment. Once inside, you push him backwards into his bedroom, causing him to fall back on the bed. You hop up to straddle him and he’s never been so aroused in his life. He sounds so whiny and eager as you ride him, more than happy to be with you again and bring you pleasure in any way he can. By the end of that night, he knew he was addicted to you with no going back. When you fall asleep in his bed, he spends a long time just looking at you and stroking your cheek. You are beautiful and he is falling for you, but he doesn’t know what to say or do about it.

From then on, you invite yourself over at least once a week, if not more, walking arm in arm with him to and from the metro station, spending the nights blowing his mind and ever entwining yourself into his life for several months. You’d even hooked up in the employee bathrooms at work at one point, but had immediately decided not to do it again when Penelope nearly caught you. It had been fun nonetheless. Sneaking into his hotel room when out on a case was another common way to initiate, so common that Spencer had just started texting you his room number as soon as the team got to a given hotel, knowing you would come visit him once everyone else was in their rooms and not likely to catch you sneaking to him.

In a matter of moments from entering his room, you’re guiding him backwards toward the bed as you kiss feverishly, struggling to kick off your shoes before hopping up into his lap like normal. He hums happily, his large hands settling on your hips, fingers flexing anxiously, still not quite used to your physicality despite the months of hook-ups. He leans back against the headboard, looking up at you with a slightly awed expression. The heat was already rising between you, leading you to shrug off the robe you’d wrapped around yourself for your way here, letting it fall to the floor. Spencer twitches beneath you as the clear outline of your breasts, and your nipples which are pebbled from the cold, come into view. Yet, he doesn’t try to pounce on you like most guys might, just giving a shaky smile and running a tender hand up your side. You smile back, cupping his cheek and running your thumb over the cheekbone.

“Have I ever told you I like your glasses?” you muse. He puffs out a laugh.

“Once, when I first started wearing them, but I didn’t believe you,” he chuckles and you do too.

“Well, I do like them, they make you look cute,” You place a kiss on his cheek, trailing toward his jaw. He laughs once more, though more unstable now, tilting his head to give you access.

“I don’t think I get called cute all that much,” he jokes, eyes meeting yours as you pull away to look at him.

“You should be, you’re a total cutie,” you tease, pressing an open-mouthed kiss to his lips which he eagerly reciprocates, his fingers twitching, debating moving somewhere else. “The,” kiss. “Cutest,” another kiss. “Ever,” you smile against his lips. He smiles back, a hand sliding up your back and pulling you closer to press against his body. You were so complimentary lately, it made his head spin. Your hands move up, gently removing his glasses as they press into you uncomfortably when the two of you kiss. “It’s a shame, they really do something for me,” you smirk as you fold them closed. He reaches out to stop you, taking the glasses from you and slipping them onto your face. You blink, trying to adjust to the blurriness of his prescription. He takes the sight of you in for a moment before dramatically wrinkling his nose.

“Yeah, not your look,” you gasp and smack his arm lightly, making him laugh.

“You total ass!”

“I’m kidding, you look as adorable as ever, it’s unfair, how can you make everything work?” he squeezes your side. You roll your eyes, taking off the glasses and placing them in the open glasses case on his nightstand. He watches you, rubbing your sides slowly. “Do the glasses really do something for you?” he asks quietly.

“Yeah, I don’t really know why, they just do,” you shrug, sitting back up properly in his lap, shifting your hands to rub his chest through his pyjama shirt. “Anything that I wear do it for you?”

“Everything,” he grins. You laugh.

“I’m being serious!” you prod his chest.

“So am I! Seriously, whenever I’m around you it’s like… I’m one whiff of your shampoo away from getting hard,” he confesses, a quiet and slightly nervous laugh puffing out of his chest. Of course, he knows you must have noticed this by now, but actually confessing to it aloud feels a little pathetic. He’s just so… enamored with you. You tilt your head, staring down at him.

“You’re such a horny little freak,” you giggle, cupping his chin and leaning down to give him a kiss. “I would have never guessed it when we first met,” he laughs against your lips, shifting your hips against his so you’re sitting comfortably.

“You must bring it out of me, I wasn’t like this before,” he retorts a little nervously. He’s still a bit unsure around you, worried that he’s going to say the wrong thing and scare you away forever, but every day it gets a little easier. You get a little closer to him and don’t get scared away when you see the ugly. It feels so good it hurts.

Like the other week when you’d come home with him, only for his mother’s sanitarium to call while you’d been making out on his couch. It had only been to inform him about some medication changes, but the fact they’d called him had freaked him out. He tried so hard not to cry, it was ridiculous, nothing was even wrong, he wanted to be strong for you, but the tears had come anyway. Instead of finding him odd, or sitting and awkwardly waiting for it to pass, you’d soothed him for a bit, stroking his hair, and then endeavoured to distract him. You’d put on a documentary for him and made him some tea, sitting in his lap while he calmed down and watched the documentary. He’d felt like a big baby, but it felt good to be cared for. You’d left his apartment that night without getting what you’d come there for, but you never seemed upset, being your normal teasing self the next day at work, twisting his tie around your hand when you’d caught him alone by the coffee machines, taunting him by pretending you were going to kiss him and pulling back. He’d been able to steal a kiss later that day by hanging back to pack up after a meeting. When he’d apologised for the previous night, you’d just said you were glad he was okay. He blinks rapidly as you snap your fingers in front of his face.

“Spence? Where’d you go? You like… glazed over,” you pout. He smiles sheepishly, reaching up to push a hair out of your face.

“I was just thinking about you,” he admits. You huff.

“I’m right here! You don’t have to think about me!”

“I know, I know, sorry, just got lost in my thoughts,” he pulls you closer so your chests are pressed together, pecking your forehead and taking a subtle whiff of your hair. The scent seems to immediately lower his blood pressure, you just made him feel safe these days, he wished he could stop being so nervous and just enjoy things. “You mean the world to me,” he whispers in an effort to do just that. The words make you pause, you don’t really expect them, but they warm your heart to no end.

“You mean the world to me too,” you rest your forehead to his for a quiet moment. His eyes close and he drinks up your words and your closeness. One day, and it would be soon, he was going to ask you to be his girlfriend. It was a terrifying prospect and the idea that you might say no was so painful it was physical, but he had to do it. More and more often he almost finds himself blurting out that he loves you, and if he’s going to tell you that, it’s going to be on purpose. Probably with flowers and chocolate-covered strawberries, or maybe running through an airport if the movies he’d been watching for inspiration were anything to go by. However he decided to do it, it would have to be special, prove that he cared for you without a shadow of a doubt, and hopefully aid in making you fall for him. Part of him just wished you’d say it first, like you did with most things, but there wasn’t really any telling if you felt that way. You’d been different with him lately, and he hoped it wasn’t too optimistic to consider you might feel the same as he did. Your head shifted to his shoulder and your body melted onto his, clearly assuming that tonight would be a cuddling night. You’d done this a few times now, after particularly scarring cases or when you were on your period, it wasn’t really usual friends-with-benefits stuff, but in your line of work, a little cuddle was often very much needed, so was justifiable. He turns his head to kiss your forehead again.

“Don’t give up on me just yet,” he whispers, hoping to sound lighthearted.

“Yeah?” you ask quietly, looking up at him as he looks down to meet your eyes. “I’m not giving up,” you whisper, kissing his jaw a few times. The words have deeper meaning to Spencer and he takes a shaky breath.

“I just may need you to make the first move,” he smiles, shifting to face you. You smile simply.

“What’s new?”

︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶

hey you! want to get tagged in my work when it comes out? click here! (˵ •̀ ᴗ - ˵ ) ✧

taglist: @i-live-in-spite , @raysmayhem-72

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em1i2a3 · 3 months ago

Text

Hole in the Earth

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Mutant!Fem!Reader

Warnings: 18+ Minors DNI, Angst, Smut, Panic Attacks, Mentions of Grief, Hurt/Comfort, Mentions of Loss and Death, Age Gap (not mentioned but there are assumptions of an age gap if you squint a bit, there’s no full acknowledgment ), Mentions of Blood/Bleeding. The warnings for smut specifically; p in v sex (unprotected, wrap it before you tap it though!), fingering, oral (fem receiving), Praise kink if you squint, light choking (nothing too serious though), Bucky talks you through it (wink wink nudge nudge)

Author's Note: I wanted to do an actual series for this original character, but I didn’t feel like committing to something so big with my job, so I thought I’d stick to a one-shot format for this one. I know some things may not be totally accurate (this is my first time actually putting something out there that is based off of the MCU, I changed things up a bit, but not extremely, at least I hope lol.) Hopefully y’all enjoy though :) .

Word Count: 13,347 (Talk about slow burn eh? Seeing this word count made my jaw drop when I checked it at the end. What an extravaganza lol)

Some people filled silence with noise—small talk, jokes, distractions, awkward anecdotes, laughter even.

But you and Bucky?

You never needed words.

Your partnership had formed without much thought, an unspoken decision, a quiet inevitability. No one ever sat down and said, "You two should work together," but after everything—after the turmoil from the snap, all the loss, all the grief, and the way neither of you truly fit into what remained of the team anymore—it just happened naturally.

You had both come back to a world that had existed without you for five years. It was like a blur to you. It felt like nothing had happened until you saw the people you loved had aged significantly since the last time you had seen them, or you had lost them by that point.

To deviate from you Bucky had spent decades as a ghost, lost in time, fighting to take back something that had been stripped from him, and the five-year disappearance from the world felt like an eternity. You had heard him mention in passing that it was as if he was in a room with nothing but white around him, and he was all alone. Not only that but when he returned it took him a long time to adjust to the new normal.

Steve was gone.

Natasha was gone.

Tony was gone.

And you?

You were still here, stuck in a limbo between mourning and moving forward, existing in a place that didn’t feel like home anymore. Sam tried to make things easier, tried to be a stand-in for Tony, but it was no use, you told him to stop early on in his attempts, and he respected the request.

Bucky somehow understood your loss better than most of the team, even though he had returned to the same ruins you did. He didn’t bother you with the questions everyone else had when you came back to the compound, he gave you a nod of acknowledgement and tiptoed around you like you were a bomb that was going to explode at any moment, which was something that you ended up preferring.

So when the missions started up again, when the world needed something resembling the Avengers to step forward, it was an unspoken agreement—you and him, always paired together. You knew you wouldn’t be able to handle anyone else other than him.

It worked though.

The both of you kept things mission-focused and ignored whatever was happening outside of that. He never brought up your past, and you never brought up his, and even when there was downtime during the mission you stayed quiet, waiting in silence until you needed to step in.

But now?

Now the most recent mission had gone to hell, and you were stuck alone with him in a safe house, forced into a kind of closeness you had never prepared for.

The mission was supposed to be simple.

A HYDRA facility hidden beneath an abandoned city block, data that needed to be extracted, an easy exfiltration plan. When Sam had explained it you felt like you were having Deja Vu because of how many missions had been like this.

The plan had been clear—

Infiltrate.

Extract the data.

Get out.

You never made it past step two.

The power core in the lower level ruptured, sending a shockwave through the entire structure.

The explosion came too fast, too strong, it wasn’t something you prepared for at all.

You had barely made it to cover before the heat ripped through the walls, short-circuiting everything electronic based in the area—including the Neural Stabilizer locked around your throat.

You had felt it immediately.

The pulse of static in your bones, the electricity surging through your limbs with nowhere to go, the sensation of drowning in yourself. You laid on the cold metal, breathing in through the pain that echoed through your entire body, attempting to calm your nervous system down before things got out of your control.

"You alright?" Bucky called from the level above you.

You had forced yourself to swallow the panic as you raised your head to look up to where he was, only seeing his shadow at that point.

"I’m fine." You replied.

A lie.

Because you could feel the stabilizer glitching, flickering between control and chaos, the red warning light at your throat blinking erratically. It didn’t go unnoticed by Bucky though, even though you wished it had.

“Are you sure?” He asked, watching you struggle to push yourself up from the metal, seeing a pulse of faint blue static running across the floor. You closed your eyes tightly.

”Yes. I’m positive. Just cover me so I can get to you, then we can get the hell out of here.”

You had to push forward.

Because you had no choice.

Because if you didn’t keep moving, neither of you were getting out alive. But if you had a choice you would’ve stayed right where you were.

By the time you had escaped the facility, hot-wired a car, and driven two hours through the backroads to the nearest safe house—your entire body was on fire with unstable currents flowing through your blood. You were in such agony holding everything in that you had almost collapsed onto the ground when you exited the car.

Bucky had watched you run towards the cabin, observed the way you almost broke the doorknob and locked him out all within seconds. By the time he had entered the cabin you were out of his sight, and barricaded inside the washroom.

When you slammed the door closed you immediately turned on the dim light of the enclosed space, stripping off your tactical gear with shaking hands, leaving you in just a pair of shorts and a white tank top. You threw your utility belt onto the counter beside the sink, trying your best to catch your breath, feeling a burning sensation building inside your chest, clawing at the bones. You braced yourself against the porcelain sink, bringing your eyes up to your reflection, looking at the red glow of the Neural Stabilizer flashing on your neck, each pulse more erratic than the last.

Tony had promised it would always work.

Now it was failing as you stood there.

You reached up to touch the fried titanium of the neck plate, feeling the warmth radiating off it, as the light above you glowed brighter for a brief moment before returning to its normal state. That was the only warning sign you needed to kick yourself into high gear. You opened up your gear pouch, fumbling through the various tools you had, until you found what you needed. The tiny utility screwdriver, the one Tony had told you to keep on you at all times. You thanked your past self that they actually listened to him for once.

“It’s just for backup, kid, but if you ever need it, don’t panic. You got this.” You could hear his voice in your head, you could picture the moment he gave it to you and you reluctantly threw it into the gear pouch, making sure he witnessed you do it.

You pushed the memory out of your head and forced yourself to focus, returning your gaze back to your reflection, stretching your neck out so there was enough lighting. Your eyes trailed over the grooves of the metal, finding the space where the first latch would be. You shifted again, turning your head to the side before bringing the screwdriver to the first screw that secured the panel—

———

"Hold still, Sparkplug," Tony muttered, adjusting the metal band around your neck so that it was fitting snugly against your skin, "You fidget more than Peter, and that’s saying something."

You sighed, tilting your chin up, watching him work in the reflection of the mirror.

"Feels like a shock collar." You commented, digging your nails into the palm of your hand.

"Yeah, well, better than the alternative." He replied, looking at you out of the corner of his eye, before returning his gaze to the stabilizer. "Unless you like turning every elevator ride into a death trap." He added.

You scowled.

"It’s not that bad."

"Tell that to the toasters and light bulbs you murdered last week. You know I think I stepped on some of the broken glass you forgot to sweep up." You felt your lips tilt slightly at the joking tone he took.

"That was an accident."

"Yeah, and I’m accidentally a millionaire genius." He tightened the clasp on the metal, sliding his stool back to examine his work. "Alright. Try not to electrocute me when you test it out."

You hesitated, looking at the stabilizer in the mirror, seeing the signature blue glow that Tony had in his chest piece now reflecting off of your very own Stark Industries creation.

"You’re sure this will work?"

Tony’s smirk faded slightly, his expression softening at the worry that laced your voice. You had come a long way since he had taken you under his wing, but he knew you still struggled with keeping the power under wraps, it was evident by the way everything would short circuit even when you were feeling happy, it trapped you. When he designed the stabilizer all he wanted was for you to feel normal, and this was the one thing that he was confident in providing.

"Yeah, kid." His hand rested lightly on your shoulder. "I’m sure.”

“And what if it malfunctions?” You questioned, your hand now tracing the ridges of the titanium.

”I’ll be there to fix it…I promise Y/N. I wouldn’t let it get to that point anyways. Routine maintenance will prevent that I’m sure.”

Back then, you had believed him.

Because Tony always kept his promises.

———

Your hands trembled as you worked on the stabilizer, the screwdriver slipping between your fingers while you twisted it into the second latch. The sharp edge of the tool had sliced against the sensitive skin on your neck three times at this point, and the droplets of blood began to stain your hands. The faint pain began to curl into itself, causing the lights to brighten once again, only this time it remained that way. The tips of your fingers began to veil themselves in the mesh-like glow that slowly stretched along your skin, another bad sign that you needed to get yourself under control.

Your breath came in shallow, panicked gasps, watching the red light blinking faster and faster with each mistake you made, almost as if it was in sync with your pulse.

You couldn’t do this, and there was no doubt that by the end of this, you would have a hazardous explosion waiting to happen. You wouldn’t be surprised if you’d take out the whole town.

You were going to—

"Breathe, kid." Tony’s voice warned.

You couldn’t help but remember the video he had left in your inbox, dated the day before his death. You hadn’t looked at it for three weeks, you weren’t ready to see him at that point, you were grieving, but the day that you decided to click on it to listen, and to watch…You knew it was going to be seared into your memory.

———

Tony sat at his workbench, rubbing a hand over his face, scratching at the stubble on his chin almost in frustration. His hair was a little longer, a little messier, and the exhaustion on his face was worse than you’d ever seen it.

"Alright, kid. If you’re watching this, then congratulations. You survived. You came back. And I…Well…I didn’t, unless you are watching this for fun, which is absolutely weird, but whatever.”

A pause, he sighs, licking his dry lips, trying to search for what he was going to say.

"Not that I’d know, obviously, because I made this before all the very bad, end-of-the-world war type stuff went down, but I’d like to think I got to go out in a blaze of glory."

His lips tugged up, but there was no humor behind it.

"Which, by the way, is something I told you not to do a thousand times, so let’s not make this a trend, okay?"

You had let out a choked laugh, tears already stinging at your eyes. He took another pause, shaking his head.

"Five years." He exhaled hard, tapping his fingers against the desk. "You’ve been gone for five whole years, and I gotta tell you, kid, it’s sucked. Like, really sucked. We have this whole ‘Save the World’ initiative going on, and I keep looking around thinking, ‘Where the hell is my electric gremlin when I need her?’ But no. You were gone. Taken just like that."

He snapped his fingers, inhaling deeply through his nose, trying to control his voice.

"And that?" His tone dropped lower, something raw scraping at the edges. "That was a real bitch."

You pressed a hand against your mouth, trying not to break down, trying to keep yourself as composed as you could.

"You left, and everything was just… quieter. Too quiet. No more blowing out the lab’s power grid on purpose because you got pissed at me. No more stealing my coffee and blaming it on Rhodey. No more dumb science debates about whether or not your powers count as a renewable energy source. Just… nothing."

His fingers curled into a fist, hitting his knuckles lightly against the workbench.

"I miss you, kid. And I know I didn’t say it enough when I had the chance, so I’m saying it now."

A sharp inhale. There was a cut in the footage. Now his position had changed, and he was standing.

"You’re back though. And I need you to listen, alright?"

You sat up nodding, even though he couldn’t see you.

"This thing?" He said, tapping a Neural Stabilizer on his own throat.

"Yeah, I made one for myself. No, I don’t need it. But you’re a visual learner—or maybe you just don’t trust me unless I put myself in your shoes. Either way, I made one so I could show you how easy this is to fix."

He sighed.

"Anyways, let’s be real. If this thing is flickering red, that means something bad happened. Maybe you got hit by an EMP. Maybe you took too many hits in a fight, and someone broke it. Maybe the universe just hates us both equally, who knows. But if it’s failing, that means you’re going to short-circuit because your body won’t know what to do with all the excess energy. And when you short-circuit, so does everything else around you. That means streetlights, security systems, Wi-Fi—" he gestures around him with his hands "—you know, everything people actually need to function."

You sniffled, pressing your fingers against your lips.

"So. Let’s fix it before you blackout an entire city block, huh?"

His eyes softened, something warm but worn behind them.

"You got this, kid. You always have."

A pause.

"Alright. First step—pop the latch. Gently put the screwdriver into the large metal coil, it should be bright orange if the stabilizer is malfunctioning due to the overheating. Twist it counterclockwise. And whatever you do, do not—"

——-

You pressed too hard.

The screwdriver slipped, and another sharp sting burned across your neck, the blood now dripping down your neck and soaking into the tank top you wore.

"Shit." You muttered, your fingers flying to your throat, wiping off the blood as much as you could, your pulse hammering throughout your entire body, as the crimson liquid smeared across your skin.

Before you could even process the impending pain, the Neural Stabilizer’s light turned off completely.

Without missing a beat a violent pulse of static erupted outward, a crackling, jagged burst of energy tearing free from your body.

The lightbulbs overhead shattered, raining sparks and broken glass onto the tiles, lightly cutting up some of your exposed flesh. The mirror fractured down the middle, sharp cracks splintering outward, but not fully falling off the surface.

The entire safe house went dark, the fridge cut out, the security system fried, the cell towers blinked offline. In the kitchen, Bucky sat at the rickety dining table, thinking about whether or not it would be a good idea to try to come in and help. Even after the power surge, he was still on the fence about going and intruding on what was happening in there, not out of fear, but out of what he might have to do to get everything under control.

Inside the bathroom, the only light left was coming from you, and now the soapy smell that had once filled the room had been taken over by the crisp smell of ozone, as if a rain storm just occurred.

Your reflection in the mirror flickered, illuminated by the uneven, stuttering glow of electricity crawling over your skin. Tiny spiderweb cracks of raw current slithered up your arms, twisting beneath the surface, licking along your fingertips, wrapping around your body, almost like it was a reunion. The stabilizer narrowed the current down significantly when it was on, without it there was no regulation.

The charge had nowhere to go. It buzzed, and coiled, desperate for an escape, trying to find something to attach to. Your body felt too full, like a live wire wound too tight, ready to snap apart, and now the pain was truly starting to settle in, deep inside your bones, causing your blood to curl.

"No, no, no—"

You repeated, slamming your hand against the countertop. A sharp crack of static arced outward, splitting the porcelain, hairline fractures splintering in front of you.

Your breath hitched in your throat, as every muscle in your body seized.Your heart pounded painfully against your chest, erratic, frantic—

Then the doorknob rattled.

"Hey."

It was Bucky.

"You okay?"

The words barely registered with you, it sounded muffled, drowned beneath the buzzing that rang through your ears. You could feel your pulse spike violently, as panic slammed through your ribs like a live wire.

You couldn’t answer the simple question.

Couldn’t breathe.

Couldn’t stop the charge from rising once again.

The electricity under your skin wouldn’t settle, wouldn’t stop expanding, the raw static skittered along your body, flaring out in thin veins of uncontrolled current.

"I—" you croaked, holding onto your chest, trying to stabilize your voice from shaking.

The door creaked open.

And before you could even react, the barricade was removed from between the both of you.

Bucky stood in the dim blue glow, still dressed in the majority of his tactical gear, minus the weapons. The glass crunched under his boots as he stepped into the washroom, his sharp and guarded expression softening when his eyes locked onto the scene in front of him.

His gaze flickered over the shattered bulbs, and the fractured mirror, and when he breathed in the smell of static tickled his nose, almost like someone had taken chlorine and mixed it with metal.

Then his eyes landed on you. Your trembling hands, your shaking shoulders, the way your body twitched with the electric currents still pulsing beneath your skin, his eyes watched the glowing cracks spread along your arms. He could see in the lighting that your neck was bleeding, and that your stabilizer was practically fried. At this point, he concluded that he in fact didn’t know where to start.

”Y/N…” His voice was dripping with concern, trying to piece together what he could do.

You tried to speak, tried to tell him to go away but all that came out was a gut-wrenching sob, the panic and fear sinking its claws deeper into your ribs.

"Hey, you need to breathe," Bucky instructed his voice low, calm, and even. But you couldn’t. Couldn’t stop shaking, couldn’t pull yourself back from the static buzzing inside your skull, it was mind-numbing. The only thing that snapped you out of your haze was the crunching of glass beneath Bucky’s boots, as he stepped towards you.

"Don't—" You snapped, desperate to keep him away. "I can’t— I can’t shut it off…Just stay…Stay back Bucky." Your hands trembled, as your arms locked up, the muscles tightening, like a cord was wrapping around them. The crunching noise stopped, but the buzzing in your ears didn’t, as you leaned your body on the sink, moaning through the stinging pain that ran up your spine.

”Listen I can’t just leave you in here like this, what can I do to help?” You could feel your knees go numb while you were trying to contain whatever was building up to release next. You braced yourself against the counter, cushioning the drop to the ground as much as possible. Your bare knees felt the impact of the glass as the sharp edges dug into the thin flesh, a grunt escaping your throat, while you were attempting to shift slightly to the side before putting all your weight on the front portion of the counter.

”Just go away.” Was all you could muster to say through your short sobs of pain, “Please just go.” You begged, tears now streaming down your cheeks, as you put your forehead onto the edge of the porcelain sink, letting the cold temperature even out the heat that was radiating off your skin.

Bucky didn’t move, didn’t heed your request to leave, instead he crouched down, and sat on the glass-covered floor, with his arms resting on his knees. He watched you closely, noting how your body would tremble every couple of seconds, or how the static that covered every exposed area of your skin buzzed lightly at any sign of movement.

”Please leave.” You choked out again, barely above a whisper. Bucky sighed, his jaw clenching at the rawness in your voice. The last-ditch effort to push him away before anything worse happened, before you hurt him.

”I’m not going anywhere Y/N…It would go against my better judgment.” He replied, clenching and unclenching his vibranium hand, contemplating. He knew what he needed to do, but had no clue how he would execute the plan without you possibly lashing out at him.

He glanced back up at you, watching as your grip tightened on the edge of the sink, another strangled whimper escaping into the room. You were already so far gone at this point that there was no way you were going to come back without additional help, at least that’s what Bucky was starting to conclude from what was transpiring in front of him.

Another burst of static snapped out from you, slashing against the mirror, fully breaking the reflective pieces, hearing the shattering as it fell into the sink, splintering, leaving small superficial wounds on the tips of your fingers, lines of red blooming across your knuckles. You didn’t even register the pain.

Bucky barely flinched, because at this point he wasn’t going to wait anymore, and now that you were distracted he took the opportunity. Quickly he brought himself forward and wrapped his vibranium arm around your waist, pulling you against him with more force than he intended. Your back collided against his chest, and immediately you could feel your body locking up in his grip as his other arm wrapped around your waist to try to stabilize you so you weren’t thrashing on the glass-covered ground. You could feel your lungs seize up.

”Let me go!” You twisted violently in his hold, as you dug your nails into his right arm, trying to loosen the restraint he formed around your body. You slammed your back into his chest, attempting to wind him, but it was no use, Bucky was a solid unmoving force at this point, and he remained locked around you. Another fresh stream of tears ran down your cheeks. He could feel your body heating up against his as he adjusted, trying to get you to stop thrashing.

”Bucky, please…” Your voice cracked, a sob tearing from your throat, feeling another burst of static snapping around you, at whatever was near, it was lashing out until it found Bucky’s arm, as the blue static slipped into the limb causing the vibranium to light up. A crackling wave of electricity ran up each plate, filling the thin gaps between each one. This realization only made you thrash against him even harder.

”Y/N I’m fine! Stop it, you’re not hurting me.” He insisted, tightening his arms around you once again as you began to shake against him. “Look,” He murmured. Through the haze of your panic, you forced yourself to focus, your gaze trailing down to the arm that was clenched around you. The shock and static wasn’t building, or lashing outward, it was being absorbed. Bucky could almost feel your body relax at the sight, even though you were still wheezing and breathing too fast.

”It’s not hurting me.” He repeated again, but all you could hear was the buzzing inside your skull, it was deafening. Your vision blurred as you made small attempts to push him away, even though it was of no use, he didn’t budge. He was steady, controlled, and unfazed, as his ears tuned into the way you were breathing, the panicked wheezing.

“Y/N, you have to breathe…Can you feel me breathing?” He asked, trying to hide the urgency behind his voice, adjusting again so now he was able to see the side of your face, and the way your pupils were blown out. His damp hair tickled the side of your face, as he leaned forward trying to make sure you were practically cocooned in him, almost mimicking an emergency blanket in a way. You could feel yourself trembling in his arms, as his right hand came up to intertwine with yours, guiding your palm to rest flat against your chest, right over your heart.

“Y/N, focus on me…If you can hear me, focus on my breathing.” He instructed, holding you closer to him so your back was directly pressed into his chest. You could feel his body rise and fall against you, even, measured…A slow inhale, a gentle exhale.

”Match me.” He whispered, his warm breath sticking to the exposed skin of your shoulder. You attempted to breathe in as deeply as he did, feeling a burning sensation creep up along the sides of your ribs. The exhale came out fast and uneven from you, but Bucky didn’t rush the process, as he took in another breath, his chest expanding against your back. You attempted to take in another breath, but this time it came a little easier, even though it still felt like every bone in your body had its own personal vice grip around it. Black dots began to pebble into your sight, feeling a numbness washing over you.

“Good…Now let it out.” Was the last thing you heard before your vision went dark.

------

The first thing you heard when you regained consciousness was music.

Soft and slow, floating through the air in a smooth jazz melody, rich with nostalgia. The mellow voice of the crooner was claiming he would never smile again, as the lyrics gently carried over the hum of the muted trumpets, the backup singers harmonized the man's sorrow while the serenade continued. It felt like a lullaby that was meant for another time.

Then everything else began to settle in; the bed beneath you, the rough comforter scratching against the backs of your legs. The blanket on top of you pulled up to your neck, enveloping you in its warmth. A dull ache lingered in every area of your body, your hands were sore, your face felt swollen from the crying that you had done, and it felt like if you attempted to move you would throw up. But at least your breathing was finally stable. No longer ragged or filled with panic. It was a relief in a way.

The music continued as your ears caught the sound of a soft tapping in rhythm with the song. A gentle exhale released into the room. Bucky. Slowly, you forced your heavy eyelids open, as the stucco ceiling came into your sight, the dimmed emergency lights providing a soft hue to the space. You tilted your head up so your chin was settled on your chest, noticing that you were still wearing the white tank top that was now stained with your blood. The way you were able to move your neck with such ease also made you realize that you didn’t have your stabilizer on, which brought on another concern, as you laid your eyes on the sight before you.

Bucky sat at the kitchen table, illuminated by his cell phone, which was leaning against one of the salt shakers, the light casting shadows along his jaw and cheeks. His hair looked damp and curled in on itself like he was fresh out of the shower, and you had noticed he wasn’t in his regular combat gear. Instead, he had on a black, form-fitting long-sleeved shirt, and a pair of matching cargo pants. He was so lost in what he was doing that his gaze was practically glued to the table, and you could tell he was fiddling with something that you couldn’t particularly see. You tried to lean up onto your elbows to try and catch a glimpse of what he was doing, only to have your knees scream out in pain when you accidentally bent them. A hiss escaped your throat, automatically breaking Bucky’s concentration on what he was working on, as his head snapped in your direction, putting down whatever he was working on to pay attention to you.

“Take it easy. You still have glass in your knees.” He informed, hesitating to tell you that he hadn’t pulled out the shards when you were passed out. You groaned at the sentence, your body dropping back against the pillow, as you reached up to massage your head, trying to mend an impending migraine.

“I feel like I’ve been through a few rounds with a freight train.” You said, closing your eyes tightly at the sound of the rawness of your voice.

“Well…That’s kind of what happens when you go nuclear on yourself.” He muttered, leaning back in his seat, his gaze locking on you as you dragged your hands down your face. He nervously tapped his fingers on the table, biting the inside of his lip, “You scared me y’know.” The words fell from his mouth before he could even stop himself, the admission causing you to let out a ragged sigh.

“It wasn’t my intention to do that.” He shook his head.

“Intentions don’t mean much when you’re screaming for me to go away and you’ve caused every light bulb in the place to explode.” You could hear the control he had on his voice, the way he took his breaths so that his words didn’t waver. He was bothered by what you had done, there was no doubting that, but you had never heard him speak like this before.

“Are you honestly going to pick a fight with me right now? Could this not wait until the glass gets taken out of my knees?” You snapped, as your body began to slowly heat up. He scoffed at your suggestion, shaking his head in disbelief.

“No. It can’t wait, because the second I come to help you’re going to avoid the conversation.” You rolled your eyes.

“Jesus Christ Bucky. I get it.”

“Do you?” He questioned. You clenched your jaw as you pushed yourself up so you were able to look at him, to hash this out before it killed your partnership. Your knees seared at the quick movement while you settled on the bed, but you shoved the pain aside, keeping the tensity in your eyes.

“I don’t know what the fuck you want me to say. Do you want me to say sorry I didn’t tell you about the stabilizer breaking as I was attempting to not fucking explode around you?!” You shot back, squeezing your hand into a fist, trying to hold in the static that began to line your skin again.

“I want you to say you trust me. Because right now it doesn’t feel like it, and if we’re going to continue working together, I need that reassurance.” You looked up from your hands, catching his hardened gaze, seeing the betrayal in his eyes.

“You know I trust you.” You stated, watching as he shook his head, and stood up from his seat.

“Do I? Because you don’t act like it. Do you remember what just happened an hour and a half ago? You had plenty of opportunity to tell me what the hell was going on and you refused. I had to come in and see you in absolute shambles, do you understand how that felt?” Your eyes followed him as he paced.

“I didn’t want you to see me like that, you made a choi-.”

“I chose to take care of you!” He snapped, his voice raising in volume, the reaction making you flinch, not because you were scared, but because he had never yelled at you like that. “That’s what any teammate would do. But you make it impossible unless it’s forced on you, which is what I had to resort to. Do you think that made me feel good?” He asked, looking over at you, his eyes shimmering in the light. The guilt hit you harder than any punch you had taken, truly realizing how much pain you had put him in. You could see the way his hands twitched at his sides, remembering the way he was holding you and restraining your movements, reliving the moment over and over again as you fought against him.

“I-I was afraid I was going to hurt you Bucky, that’s why I was fighting you. I didn’t want to hurt you, or even worse kill you…” The words were heavy when they left your lips, “You may think you’re invincible, but you could’ve died…And then what? I lose another person I care about?” You could immediately see his eyes soften at your words and the way that your voice was shaking and cracking as you attempted to keep it steady. He held your gaze, keeping his spot at the side of the table, but now he was holding the edge of it, leaning on it for support. You could see the frustration in his eyes draining away with every moment that passed as he connected the dots.

“So that’s what this is about?” He asked softly, the sharpness from earlier being replaced with something gentler, caring. He ran his hand through his hair,“...You do know I’m 106 years old and have gone through way worse than a little bit of electricity right?” You were surprised by the sudden change in his tone, detecting the trail of humour that laced his words.

“And that this new arm…” He lifted his vibranium hand into your line of sight, flexing his fingers, letting the dim light catch against the matte black material “Doesn’t allow you to hurt me correct? The material just absorbs it. You saw it when I showed you in the washroom, you even stopped fighting me when you saw it. It doesn’t have a voltage limit or anything so…I don’t think it would’ve been possible for you to kill me. Does that help cure your worries?” He asked, letting the question hang in the air, leaning against the table again. You let out a slow breath and nodded, but you didn’t reply, you just let the intensity of the argument die down. The jazz music faded in again now, filling the silence for a few beats until you absentmindedly replied to him.

“You’re 106?” His lips pressed into a firm line, thrown off by the abrupt shift in conversation.

“That’s all you got from that speech I just gave you? Really?” You shrugged.

“I mean…You carry yourself pretty well, you don’t look a day over 100.” You said, tilting your head to the side to feign consideration “Mmm, actually maybe I would even go as far as saying you could pass for 90.” He shook his head at you, but you could see he was fighting a smile from appearing on his lips, as he reached up to rub the stubble on his face.

“Absolutely ridiculous.” He wasn’t annoyed, nor frustrated, it sounded like he was relieved, because neither of you wanted to admit it, but you didn’t like where the conversation was going, the both of you didn’t want to fight over something like that, you were supposed to be partners. The weight of the argument was settled, and you both were thankful for that. You let some time pass, just to allow each other to come down from the adrenaline until you cleared your throat.

“I’m sorry by the way.” You said quietly, earning a soft sigh from him, he opened his mouth to interrupt, but you held up your hand to stop him, “I didn’t mean to shut you out. You had every right to be angry with me, and I shouldn’t have fought you, I should’ve just allowed you to help me.” Bucky nodded, his blue eyes locking onto yours again.

“I’m sorry too. I didn’t mean to yell at you, I lost my temper…And I didn’t mean to scare you. I wasn’t mad, I was just-.” He paused for a moment, inhaling deeply “I just didn’t like seeing you like that.” Your fingers tightened around the blanket at his admission, but you nodded as well to acknowledge you heard him. You let the moment breathe, still feeling the lingering guilt of how angry he had been just a few minutes prior, but what sat in your chest was how bothered he was by your pain because it wasn’t about the outburst itself, it was about what it meant. The way he snapped was his way of trying to convey that your well-being was important to him, and even the thought of that made something in you seize up. So much for keeping the partnership strictly mission-based I guess, you thought as you shifted on the mattress, only to be reminded of the searing pain coming from your legs.

“Now that we’re done arguing…Do you mind taking the glass out of my knees now?” You asked, cringing at the sharp burning sensation that radiated throughout your kneecaps with each slight movement you made to try and get yourself in a better position to attempt to ease the pain, to no avail.

“Oh Jesus, yeah of course. Sorry.” He replied sheepishly as if he had forgotten about what he had said at the beginning of the argument. Bucky worked with a quiet urgency, collecting the first aid kit, and a basin to put the shards of glass in, stopping for a moment at the table to pause the music on his phone before picking up your stabilizer from where he had been sitting. When he had turned back to you he could see the look of surprise on your face, as your eyes trailed over it, seeing the familiar blue glow that indicated it was fixed.

“I figured it wouldn’t hurt to attempt to work on it while you were passed out,” He explained, looking down at the curved titanium while he made his way over to the bed, “Don’t really know if I actually fixed the thing, but it’s not glowing red or anything so I’m assuming I made a bit of progress.” He shrugged, as he sat down in front of you, settling the first aid kit down before handing the stabilizer over to you, feeling your fingers brush against his gently, watching you take it from him with a small smile on your face. You looked at it closely, your fingertips buzzing in anticipation, the cool weight of the titanium almost bringing you a wave of relief. You felt around for the familiar latch at the back of the stabilizer, clicking it open with a gentle hiss, your eyes glancing up to meet Bucky’s blue irises.

“It’s looking promising.” You joked, seeing his lips turn up slightly, before tilting your head back to expose your neck, brushing your hair aside. Carefully you aligned the stabilizer against your throat, settling it into place as the soft hum of the hydraulics pulled the device together, allowing it to lock around your neck. You rested your hands against the edges of it, waiting for a moment, allowing it to calibrate. Bucky watched you, trying to see if there was any sign that he had messed up somehow, thinking about the wires he cut and shifted when he began his attempt on fixing the thing, hoping to god it wasn’t something important. A beat of silence passed over the both of you quickly, being quenched with a soft exhale.

“Seems like you actually did it.” You informed, turning your head from side to side to ensure everything was properly secured.

“You sound surprised,” Bucky replied, feigning offence.

“Hmm. Tony made this thing idiot-proof, so I’m a bit taken aback by your…Skills.” His eyebrows raised at you, shaking his head as he flipped open the first aid kit.

“It’s not like I have an arm that’s state-of-the-art technology or something like that.” He shot back, sarcasm dripping from every word he spoke while he collected a few alcohol pads, tweezers, and gauze from the inside of the container. “Now…Ready to play Operation?” He asked jokingly.

“Just what I need, Bucky Barnes playing surgeon.” You replied, adjusting your position so that your knees were bent between the both of you, pulling the blanket off carefully just in case any of the glass had accidentally caught on any of the fibres. When the damage came into your line of sight you could practically feel your stomach twist and turn into knots. The blood was dry and streaked in the crevices of your knees. Tiny shards of glass embedded themselves like fractured stars in the thin flesh that lined the bone, glinting under the soft light. Some pieces were deep, surrounded by angry red welts where your body had begun trying to reject them. Others sat more superficially, barely hanging on but all of it looked raw, swollen, and painful. You could feel yourself get lightheaded just by looking at it.

“I think I’m gonna be sick.” You announced, throwing yourself down onto the mattress, the back of your head hitting the pillow, “I can’t look at it.”

“You’re telling me out of all the things you’ve seen, this is the thing that does you in?” He commented, “Now that’s disappointing.” You groaned, putting your arm over your face.

“It’s different when it’s my blood.” He let out a small laugh, the bed shifting under his weight as he adjusted, positioning his vibranium hand between the bend of your left knee to keep it still, the coolness causing you to tense up.

“Alright, I’ll go slow. Ready?” You nodded, keeping your face covered, attempting to hide the blush that began to rise on your cheeks, feeling him pull out one of the smaller pieces of glass, starting easy. He dropped it into the steel bowl, dabbing the blood off your skin with gauze, as he continued his feat, getting close enough that his breath fanned over the wound. You shut your eyes tightly, another sharp jolt of pain shooting up your leg, your other hand digging into the comforter beneath you.

“God damn it Bucky.” You hissed, your knee jerking involuntarily, his grip keeping you steady.

“Almost got it, just hold still.” His voice was soft, focused on grabbing onto the tip of the glass that he had been pulling out seconds before, the slow meticulous movements bringing you to the brink of screaming

“Okay. I need you to talk or something. Distract me before I start destroying the place please.”

“What do you want to talk about?” Bucky asked with hesitation, another piece of glass clanging against the steel bowl.

“Tell me something you liked…Before everything. Something you miss maybe.” He hummed, going for another shard of glass.

“Music…And dancing too I guess.” You took your arm away from your face, pushing yourself up onto your elbows, looking at him with your eyebrows raised.

“You? Dancing?” For a brief moment, he glanced up at you with a smirk plastered on his lips.

“What? You don’t believe me?” You shrugged.

“I just can’t picture Bucky Barnes on the dance floor, were you like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever?” His brow furrowed for a moment, confused at what you were referring to.

“Saturday Night what?” You let out a breathy laugh.

“You’ve never seen that movie?” He gave you a flat look, returning his eyes to your knees, taking out another piece of glass and wiping the droplets of blood that slid down your skin.

“I’ve been frozen in ice, brainwashed, and playing assassin for half a century. You think I’ve had time to watch movies?” You leaned back a little, resting your weight on your elbows.

“Fair point, but it’s a classic Bucky. The disco music, the bell bottoms, the gyrating.” You reminisced, watching as his lips pressed tightly together.

“Pretty sure I was not gyrating on the dancefloor.” He commented back, another piece of glass joining the pile as he moved to your other knee, his hand leaving your skin briefly before mirroring the same position with the other leg.

“So what kind of dancing did you do then?” A smirk appeared on his lips, his eyes crinkling, showing off what little wrinkles he had.

“Ballroom, Swing if I was feeling fancy.” You grinned.

“Very nice.” You could see his cheeks dusting red slightly, as he dropped another piece of glass into the bowl, wiping your knee.

“What can I say…I had the moves.”

“Had?” He glanced up at you, his teeth showing slightly now, a genuine smile appearing on his face, something you had not seen before from him.

“Careful, it sounds like you want to find out.” The way his voice dropped made a satisfying shiver shoot up your spine, but you kept your expression neutral, lifting an eyebrow at him.

“Oh yeah? You offering to take me out dancing Bucky?” He shrugged, shifting in his spot to get a bit more comfortable, latching onto another piece of glass.

“Maybe.” Glancing up to see your reaction, noticing that you were blushing as well. You shook your head at him.

“Please, if we ever went out dancing you’d throw me around like a ragdoll and I’d end up concussed.” He laughed deeply, returning his eyes to your knees.

“Nah...You’d be good, I can tell.” You squinted at him.

”Oh yeah? And how exactly did you come to that conclusion?” Bucky smirked, his hand shifting to adjust your leg, the tweezers grabbing on to another glass shard.

”You move well. Quick on your feet, and you can keep up with me.” You scoffed at his comment, your body tensing as the pain from your knee was slowly building up again.

”You make it sound like fighting and dancing are the same thing.” He hummed, distracted from the conversation for a brief moment. You glanced at him, noticing that he was holding his breath as he pulled the large shard of glass out, bringing the cracked and bloodied piece up to your sight, a satisfied smile on his face.

“Well, they’re not all that different. Both are about timing. About knowing your partner.” Bucky replied, his voice low and smooth. Another clang echoed throughout the room while he grabbed a fresh gauze pad to press down onto the weeping wound. You swallowed, shifting against the mattress, trying to ignore the warmth that crept up your back.

”So what, you’re saying we’d make a good dancing pair?” You could feel the way his fingers flexed at the question, his cold vibranium thumb running over the bottom of your knee. He didn’t look up right away, still applying pressure on the wound that continued to slowly bleed.

”I think we already do.” He murmured, lifting his gaze to meet yours. You could see the way his eyes scanned over yours, the way that his jaw clenched just for a split second. An unwavering heat crept up the back of your neck, flushing your chest and the surrounding area of skin red.

“Yeah? What makes you so sure?” His eyes never left yours as he adjusted his grip again, letting his fingers freely brush against your skin, as if he didn’t realize what he was doing.

”I know how you move, and you never have problems following instructions when you’re given them.” Your fingers twitched against the sheets, the words sinking into you. He wasn’t wrong, not one bit, but it was the way he said it, and the way his breath hit your skin, the sensations were crowding you at that point that it was starting to become increasingly difficult to keep yourself cool.

”Sounds a bit cocky if you’d ask me.” He dropped the tweezers into the bowl, throwing the saturated gauze on top of it, as he wet his bottom lip with his tongue.

”Not cocky, just observant, that's all.” His voice was low, sultry, you didn’t know if he meant for it to come out so soft, but it still made you feel motion sickness. Before you could even stop to think about what you were going to do, you reached down, your fingers holding the back of his bicep, gripping onto the cool vibranium through the sleeve of his shirt as you pulled yourself up.

The second you entered his space, his eyes were locked onto yours, wide and searching, like he was surprised you decided to pull that little move. You could feel the warmth radiating off of him now, and you were hyper-aware of how his chest rose and fell now that you were closer to him, the shallowness of his breaths coming to your attention almost immediately.

“What are you doing?” He asked, looking over at your hand sliding up, gliding over the curve of his shoulder. His hand remained behind your knee, as the other one gripped the mattress beside him, unsure if he should reach out to bring you closer. You tilted your head forward, your lips dangerously close to his, as the both of you exchanged breaths.

”Getting comfortable.” You whispered, watching his jaw tense at your words, his fingers twitching against your skin. He tilted his head back slightly, letting out a sigh.

”You don’t want this, Y/N.” Your brows furrowed at the hesitancy in his voice, but before you could protest he continued, “It’s been a long time…Since I’ve…” He paused, looking back at you, “I just don’t want to disappoint you.” You could hear the vulnerability in his voice mixing with embarrassment, as he avoided your eyes still. Slowly, you slid your hands down the front of his shirt, feeling his chest tense up beneath your touch as your fingers gripped the fabric gently.

“You won’t disappoint me Bucky,” His hands flexed at your words like he was battling with himself as he returned his eyes to yours, allowing the both of you to really look at each other. You had never noticed the way his eyes glistened in the light or the way his pupils ate away at the blueness of his irises.

You shifted onto your knees, being mindful of the ache, but ignoring it in favour of attempting to bring yourself closer to him, as you slid your fingers upward, tracing the outline of his collarbone. Carefully, you moved, sliding yourself into his lap, feeling his body stiffen beneath you, his hands coming up to hold your waist out of instinct. Your fingers curled around the chain of his dog tags, feeling the cool metal in your hands, as you leaned in, letting your lips ghost over the rough stubble along his jaw.

”It’s been a long time for me too.” You admitted softly, your breath warm against his skin, his fingers gripping you just a little tighter, feeling your lips press a gentle kiss on his neck. His breath left him slowly, his vibranium hand coming up to cup the side of your face.

”Yeah?” His voice filled with uncertainty, as you pulled back to look down at him, nodding, threading your fingers into his damp hair.

”I also don’t know what I’m doing half the time either,” You replied, tilting yourself forward, bringing your lips close to his, “But I know I want this…And I know I want you.” You admitted, closing the space between the both of you, your lips meeting his. Bucky let out a sound that was a cross between a sharp inhale and a groan, as his arm slid around your waist wrapping around you so your body was flush against his chest. His thumb traced along your cheek as he leaned up, trying to basically crawl into you.

The kiss was tentative at first, slow and meticulous, like he was memorizing the feeling of your lips against his, the way you pulled on his hair, and the small moans that escaped into the air as he kept you pressed against his chest. A soft hum vibrated from your throat when his lips parted just enough to deepen the kiss, your tongue meeting his in a battle for dominance.

Bucky was the first one to break the kiss, overwhelmed by all the sensations that were hitting him at the same time. He rested his forehead against yours, catching his breath, as his arm tightened around you, trying to steady himself. You opened your eyes, your hands coming up to hold his face, pulling back to look at him, seeing the softness in his stare, like he was in a daze.

”You sure it’s been a while since you’ve done this?” He let out a laugh, shaking his head.

”Yeah, I’m positive.” He replied, his eyes scanning over your swollen lips, “It’s muscle memory I guess.” You smirked at him, your thumbs dragging over the stubble on his face.

“I think you just know what you’re doing.” You whispered, your compliment causing him to blush.

”You flatter me…” Before you could respond, Bucky shifted, his arm tightening around your waist as he moved forward. In one fluid motion, he eased you down onto the mattress, his body following closely behind, blanketing you in his warmth, anticipation thrumming beneath your skin, your legs wrapping around his hips. He braced his weight against his vibranium hand, as his eyes traced over every detail of your face. Your fingers curled over the neckline of his shirt, pulling him closer to you so that he could capture your lips with his again, his body pressing against yours in a way that sent a pool of heat into your lower stomach. He savoured every moment, feeling the way your legs tightened around him, pulling him even closer to you, the heat of your body surrounding him like a shield of sorts. It was intoxicating to the point where it made his head spin. You arched into him instinctively, dragging your hands down to the hem of his shirt, slipping them beneath the covering so that your fingers could dance across the muscles of his stomach, feeling them twitch against your touch. He let out a stuttered breath as he broke the kiss, leaning back so that he could pull his shirt off for you, throwing it to the side in one smooth motion.

The dim lighting of the room casted shadows over the hard planes of his chest, accentuating every defined ridge of muscle he had. Your eyes drifted to where flesh met metal, to the seam where his vibranium arm connected to his shoulder. The skin around it was littered with thick scarred tissue, jagged and slightly raised. You couldn’t imagine how many procedures he had been put through to get him to this point, but all you could think about was the pain he must’ve gone through. You continued to look him over, his dog tags catching your eyes for a moment, your hand reaching up to grab it gently.

”You’re staring,” He commented, his hand wrapping around your wrist, feeling your pulse bounding against his fingertips.

”It’s the first time I’m seeing you like this…Give me a little grace.” You joked, running your thumb over his name on the dog tag. He allowed you to take your time with him, knowing that he would probably do something similar when the roles became reversed.

“I didn’t take you for the sentimental type.” He murmured, his voice quieter than before, reserved for such an intimate moment.

”I’m just trying to memorize all of it.” You replied, letting your hand fan out over his chest, the steady rhythm of his heart pulsing against your palm. His lips parted for a moment, almost in disbelief that you liked what you were seeing, as he brought your hand up to his mouth, gently kissing the back of it, keeping his eyes on yours. His vibranium fingers raced absentminded circles along the skin of your exposed hip, his thumb brushing along the hem of your tank top, hesitating to make his next move. You sat up slightly, giving him the go-ahead to pull the shirt off of you, feeling the cool metal graze against the sensitive flesh of your ribs, as you raised your arms above your head allowing him to remove the top with ease, watching him throw it off the side of the bed. His gaze dropped to your body, roaming over every expanse of skin he could see, as you laid back down on the mattress, putting yourself under the spotlight this time.

Just like Bucky, you had your own set of war wounds, only they were caused by your own hands. The marks on your skin were not ordinary bruises, Bucky had never seen anything like them before, and the level of concern behind his eyes made you speak up.

“They’re Lichtenberg figures…People get them when they’re struck by lightning, and well…You can connect the dots as to why I have them of course.” They branched across your torso in breathtaking patterns, thin fractals of darkened reds stretching from the center of your chest and curling down your ribs, sprawling out like frozen lightning, captured in the canvas of your body. Some of the marks ran deeper, more defined, where the energy had burned through your skin with more force. Others faded into the natural warmth of your body, barely there but still visible under the dim light of the room. His eyes roamed over them, committing the patterns to memory, as he reached out with his right hand, hesitating for a moment.

“Do they hurt?” You looked up at him, shaking your head.

“No. There’s so much scarred tissue at this point that the area is pretty much numb.” You explained, feeling his calloused fingers trailing over the patterns on your torso while his vibranium hand remained on your hip, holding you still. He hummed, leaning forward to place a gentle kiss against your collarbone.

“They’re beautiful.” He whispered, his breath hitting the shell of your ear, your heart immediately swelling at his words, feeling his lips pecking along your shoulder, as his hand continued to trace along the etched fractals, moving up towards your breasts. He pulled back for a moment, breathing against the little wet marks he had left on your skin, cooling them down before returning to his exploration, kissing over the swell of your breast, his lips parting against the sensitive flesh, sucking just enough to leave faint red marks behind. You tensed beneath his touch, arching your back towards him, his fingers digging into your hip, pushing you back down against the mattress, his lips turning up into a smile against your skin.

“Stay still.” His voice vibrated against you, feeling his fingers trailing down the side of your rib cage, his lips gently making their descent down your sternum, his teeth grazing down the pathway, sending a shiver up your spine, your fingers finding their way to his hair, carding them through the damp strands.

“You’re making this hard Bucky.” He glanced up at you, his blue eyes darkened with lust.

“That’s the whole point.” He replied, continuing to trail down your stomach, his stubble scraping down your skin, before kissing right above your navel, “I want to take my time with you.” He whispered, bringing his right hand down to hold onto your thigh against him, the rough callouses causing goosebumps to rise beneath his touch. You tugged on his hair, feeling him move even lower so his lips were right just above the waistband of your shorts, his head tilting up to look at you. You held his gaze, your chest rising and falling with each uneven breath you took. A smirk played on his lips, and without breaking eye contact, he pressed a slow, deliberate kiss just above the fabric, his stubble scraping against your skin in a way that sent a delicious ache spreading through you.

“Can I take these off?” He asked gently, his fingers playing lightly with the waistband, teasing you when his thumb dipped below it for a fraction of a second before returning to its spot.

“Yes…Please.” Your voice sounded so desperate, choked up with tension, feeling him hook his fingers around the fabric before slowly pulling them down your hips, then down your thighs, only moving away from you to remove the shorts from your body completely, letting it join the increasing pile of clothes that began to form on the floor. His jaw clenched at the sight of you in front of him, your body laid out beneath his, completely bare except for your underwear. His hands moved slowly, as he grasped the back of your thighs, his thumbs pressing gently into your skin. You reached for him, your fingers tracing up his forearms, craving for him to return to where he had been just moments ago, the anticipation winding tight in your stomach. He leaned back down towards you, bringing your legs up over his broad shoulders, pulling you closer to him as he settled between your thighs, pressing an open-mouthed kiss to the inside of your knee, the warmth of his breath sending a shudder through you. His grip on your thighs was firm but careful, as his mouth moved up towards your underwear, his stubble scraping lightly against your skin, leaving a whisper of friction that only added to the tension that coiled deep in the core of your stomach. Your fingers tangled into his hair again, pulling gently, wordlessly begging him to continue. You could feel him smile against the skin of your inner thighs, enjoying how desperate you were becoming.

“Bucky.” You whispered, your voice breaking with such need that it almost burned through your body. He looked up at you, his darkened eyes gazing into your soul, reading you like you were an open book. His lips parted slightly as his right hand left the top of your thigh, skimming his fingers over the damped fabric of your underwear.

“So impatient.” He murmured, trying to keep his voice from wavering, attempting to keep the dominance in his tone, even though it was becoming harder and harder with every shaky breath you took. His lips brushed over the fabric, breathing out against your arousal as your thighs tightened on his neck, a soft moan escaping your throat.

“Bucky, please…” You begged, your fingers pulling on his hair, the teasing pushing you over the edge. A smirk ghosted across his lips at your pleas, and then with an agonizing slowness he hooked his fingers into the fabric of your underwear, dragging it gently to the side, baring you to him completely. His eyes flicked up to yours, his pupils blown out enough to where you were almost unable to see the ring of blue that surrounded it, and in that moment, you could see that he was as desperate as you were. Then finally, he pressed his mouth against you.

The first touch was barely there, a soft kiss placed deliberately beside where you needed him the most, to tease you, before his lips parted and his tongue dragged up your slit, not wanting to hinder himself any longer. Your head fell back against the pillow, a choked gasp escaping your lips at the sensation and warmth of his mouth wrapping around your clit, humming at the way your thighs flexed against his face, rubbing against his stubble. His tongue continued to circle against the bundle of nerves, his eyes burning into your skin, watching as you arched your back, grinding yourself on his mouth, wordlessly begging that you wanted more. His right hand slid up to your core, coating his fingers in your arousal before slipping two of them in with ease, looking at the way your mouth dropped open as he curled them inside you, finding a pace that matched the way his tongue worked against your clit.

Your fingers continued to tangle deeper into his hair, but before you could pull, his vibranium hand wrapped around one of your wrists, pulling it away gently, feeling him pin your arm down against the mattress beside you, sliding his fingers down to intertwine with yours. The contrast of the heat that was pooling in your stomach and the cold of his hand sent a shiver through you, heightening every moment, every touch, and every movement he made against you, unraveling you piece by piece.

Your heartbeat pounded in your ears, the pressure in your lower stomach growing unbearable, his increasing pace pushing you closer and closer to the edge. He could feel the way you clenched around his fingers, and how you trembled beneath him, rocking against his mouth.

”Bucky-“ His name left your lips in a strangled breath, your gaze returning to his, realizing that he had been watching you this entire time, enamoured by your body and the way it reacted to him. His grip on your hand tightened, grounding you to the moment, your legs clenching around his head again just as his tongue flattened against you and his fingers curled a little more inside you, picking up the pace. For a split second he took his mouth off you.

“Let go for me sweetheart.” He instructed, his voice laced with such need and devotion that you could feel your entire body tense up, feeling his mouth returning to your clit once again, his tongue working against you with such purpose that all the air in your lungs ceased to exist. Your thighs twitched against the sides of his head, his lips wrapping around your clit with a slow and deliberate pull, which caused the tension in your stomach to snap.

A sharp moan tore through you, as he pressed his face against you even more, allowing himself to feel the way you shuddered beneath him. The air crackled faintly, as static danced along your skin, noticing the way Bucky’s arm plates flickered a light blue for a brief moment. His grip on your hand tightened, and his movements didn’t falter, allowing himself to slow down just enough to guide you through the aftershocks of your orgasm, until your body finally relaxed against the mattress, utterly spent.

Gently he pulled away from your soaked core, pressing a wet kiss to the inside of your thigh, before removing his glistening fingers from you and sitting up slightly. His lips were slick with your arousal, and the expression on his face was something between pride and awe, as he crawled back on top of you, caging your body in his warmth.

“You were incredible.” He whispered, pressing a soft kiss to your lips, the sweet reminance of you being tasted on his tongue, “You did so good.” He added, bringing his fingers to your mouth, watching as you sucked the rest of your arousal off of them, your tongue carefully flicking against them.

“Christ.” Was all he could manage to say, as he slowly pulled his fingers from your mouth, letting them drag down your swollen lower lip, watching the saliva glisten over the reddened skin where you had been biting. The hard outline of him pressed against your thigh as he shifted above you, bringing his mouth to yours again, wanting to savour every kiss you gave him. His dog tags grazed the middle of your chest, cooling your overheated skin which now had a faint film of sweat forming on it, as you let out a soft moan when he rolled his hips against your aching heat, pressing hard so you could feel him. Bucky pulled away from the kiss, almost with a disappointed look on his face, a moment of realization shining in his eyes.

”Shit…Y/N I don’t have condoms.” He whispered, putting his forehead onto your collarbone, breathing heavily, trying to steady himself. You smirked at his despair, as you laced your fingers into his hair and tugged it so he could look at you.

”I have an implant, Bucky.” You informed, watching the relief wash over his face, a long sigh escaping his lips.

”Thank god.” Was all he could say before sitting back onto his knees, moving quickly to rid you of your underwear and himself of his cargo pants and boxers. You couldn’t help but giggle at his eagerness as he shifted his weight to take everything off all at once, and also just enough to knock the first aid kit and the metal bowl of glass right off the bed.

The sharp clang causes the both of you to freeze, as Bucky’s eyes flicker over to the mess before returning to you, waiting for your reaction, watching your hand come up to cover your mouth to stop a laugh from escaping it.

“Real smooth.” You teased, hearing him let out a breathless chuckle.

”Not my best moment.” He admitted with a crooked grin, rubbing the back of his neck, bringing his hand over to touch your thigh. You reached up to wrap your hand around his forearm, before pulling him towards you.

”I find it kind of endearing that you’re all nervous and flustered.” He let out a quiet laugh, as he settled between your legs once again.

“You make it hard to keep my composure.” Your fingers skimmed up his arm, feeling his bicep twitching beneath your touch, while he adjusted himself against you, bringing his vibranium hand up to your throat to hold it gently, tilting your head up to meet his eyes before his mouth captured yours again in a hunger filled kiss, feeling your hips raising to meet his, in a silent plea. A low groan escaped him as his length grinded against your wet heat, attempting to hold himself back for just a few moments before he got lost in you. He pulls away from your lips again, leaning back so he can line himself up with you. Your eyes trail down to his cock, seeing that it’s already glistening with precum, the tip a light red, practically begging to be seated inside you. He’s way above average, and the way he pumps himself in his hand almost makes you come right then and there. He could see the lust in your eyes, the way your mouth opened just a little at the sight in front of you.

“You sure you can take me sweetheart? You’re already shaking.” He pointed out, a teasing smile coming up on his wet lips.

“I need you Bucky…Please…” The words fell from you in a whimper, as his vibranium hand slid from your throat to cup the side of your face.

“Okay, okay, I won’t tease you anymore…Relax for me.” He whispered, as he aligned himself with your entrance, coating himself in your arousal. You could feel yourself clench around nothing in anticipation for him, feeling as he gently pushed into you, the delicious stretch was just enough to make you gasp, and tighten around him, your eyes closing to take all the sensations in at once. Bucky leaned onto you, his lips brushing against yours.

”Look at me,” He ordered softly, “I want to see those pretty eyes while I’m inside you.” You moaned at his comment, bringing your half-lidded, pleasure hazed gaze up to meet his, as your jaw went slack, feeling him pushing deeper, inch by inch.

“That’s it,” He praised, “You’re taking me in so well, and you’re so fucking tight…All for me.” He was breathless, continuing to move slowly, his pelvis finally meeting yours when he bottomed out. He gave you a gentle kiss, like he was rewarding you for listening to him, a soft moan escaping your throat. Your walls fluttered around him as he drew back a bit before thrusting forward, hitting a spot inside you that made your vision blur.

”Oh my god Bucky…” You whimpered, his hand coming up to hold just above your stabilizer, a smile coming up on his lips as he repeated the same motion, pulling the same reaction from you.

“There you go,” He coaxed, “That’s the spot, isn’t it?” You could only nod, your nails digging into his shoulders, dragging them down his back.

”Say it, sweetheart…Tell me how good it feels.” He whispers, his breath hitting your lips as he continues to move, pulling out just a little more, bringing his hips to yours again just a little harder, eliciting another gasp from throat.

”You feel s-so good.” Your words caught on the sheer pleasure of the way he filled you, your fingers digging into the muscles of his back.

”That’s my girl…You were made for this weren’t you?” He asked, grinning from ear to ear, savouring the way you writhed beneath him, reacting to his movements and words. He pressed another kiss to your lips, pulling his hand from your neck, and sliding it down between the both of you to press just above your pubic bone. The added pressure made every movement of his hips feel like explosions throughout your body.

“You feel that hmm? How deep I am inside of you?” Your walls clenched around him, as your eyes closed again, another strangled moan escaping into the room, your nails dragging across his skin again.

”Bucky, o-oh my god.” Was all you could manage to say, your legs locking around his waist, your abdomen tensing beneath his touch. He began to pick up the pace, the both of you exchanging breaths and gasps into each other's mouths, as he nipped at your bottom lip gently.

”You’re so fucking perfect.” He praised, feeling your fingers curl into his hair, trying to ground yourself against the overwhelming heat of his body grinding into yours. His lips traveled along your jawline, pressing open-mouthed kisses along the column of your throat, sucking the sensitive skin, putting a mark on a spot that would be visible to everyone, snapping his hips against yours, earning another cry from your lips.

“I love fucking hearing you.” He whispered, devouring every reaction you gave him, your walls clenching around him, throwing off his rhythm for a moment as he brought his face back up to yours. “You’re so fucking close, aren’t you?” He asked, watching you nod frantically, unable to focus on the task at forming words. He removed the pressure he was placing above your pubic bone, only to bring his fingers to your swollen clit, pressing against it. Your body arched against his, as he began to draw tight, slow circles around the bundle of nerves.

”Come for me Y/N…Let me feel it.” His voice cracked, his breath ragged. Before your brain could even register his words the pleasure ripped through you, as your body shook beneath his, your nails now digging into his flesh, causing him to gasp at the sharp sting. Your vision was blurred, and you could’ve sworn you felt a few tears fall out of the corners of your eyes as you clenched down harder on his cock, another static pulse igniting from you, wrapping around Bucky’s arm and fading out quickly. He kissed you again, consuming you completely, bringing his hand back up to your neck just to hold it, feeling your pulse beneath his fingertips, picking up the speed of his thrusts, the pace becoming rougher and more desperate. You grabbed onto his vibranium hand, gasping for air.

”I’m gonna fill you up so much that I’m gonna be dripping out of you for days.” He growled, tightening his grip on your hand, as the burning tension in him finally snapped, the hand on your neck tightening for a brief moment, his body stiffening above you. He let out a long groan against your lips as he spilled into you, bucking his hips towards yours to push the warmth of him deeper inside, fulfilling his promise. The weight of him sank against you as his head dropped to the crook of your neck, kissing any portion of skin that he could reach.

A minute passed, maybe more, as the both of you laid there, catching your breath, while he softened inside you. He kept his hand at your neck, his thumb idly tracing over your pulse, while his vibranium fingers remained intertwined with yours, not wanting to pull away just yet. You tilted your head back against the pillow, as you let out a breathless laugh, breaking the silence that had settled between you. Bucky lifted his head slightly, eyebrows raised, his lips twitching at the corners.

”What’s funny?” He asked, as you turned your head to look at him, amusement dancing within your tired eyes.

”That tone you were using was so fucking hot.” You could see he was amused by your admission.

”Really?” He asked, his smirk growing wider and wider.

”Yeah…I mean I knew you could be confident, but that? Holy shit Bucky.” He laughed at the way you were rambling.

”I didn’t know you liked being talked through it like that, I was just kind of filling the silence.” He responded, watching as your eyebrows raised.

”THAT was filling the silence?!” He shrugged.

”Just got creative. It was really easy too, cause you looked so pretty under me.” He complimented, pressing a kiss against your lips, you hummed.

”Well consider me very appreciative of your sudden creativity.” You murmured.

”I guess I’ll have to add it to my sex repertoire for next time.” You raised your eyebrows at him.

”You want there to be a next time?” He laughed at your shock, as his hand tightened around yours.

”Oh Y/N, if you give me a few minutes to recover that next time will come really quickly.” He commented, earning a loud laugh from you.

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