#if you wanna send someone to kill and/or give me therapy

[cubot]

I get alone with my thoughts for one second and then my brain goes to the VN love interest route I beat yesterday and I go, "jesus fucking christ what the fuck."

[mbat]

dude it is way too early for this, someone just told me to kill myself over something i literally dont know anything about

[lunerna21]

I've been feeling on and off for a while, but I wanted to talk about a couple of things

(***LONGISH POST AHEAD! MY BRAIN IS RUNNING AT A MILLION MILES PER HOUR!***)

I THOUGHT WEREN'T GETTING A BOOK 7 UPDATE BUT WE’RE STACKED FOR BOTH EN AND JPN SERVERS!!

I'm gonna talk briefly about the EN server and then jump to talking about the JPN server

I was honestly expecting them to release maybe one more chapter before the end of the year, BUT THIS PERFECTLY OKAY WITH ME~!

I do wish they had just released Playful Land the beginning of October instead of the ending, but I'm glad the beginning of the month is Playful Land and then the end is Book 7

IM NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO SOBBING FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME BUT WE'RE FINALLY PROGRESSING COMPARED TO LAST YEAR

I JUST WANT TO HUG SILVER AND SEBEK CAUSE I WAS INCONSOLABLE WHEN SEBEK WAS STRAIGHT FUCKING SOBBING AND SILVER KEPT BLAMING HIMSELF FOR EVERYTHING

IF WE GET ONE MORE CHAPTER IN DECEMBER FOR BOTH SERVERS, OOOOOOOOOO YANA I WILL GIVE YOU ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING!

Now, onto the JPN Server!!

***SPOILERS TO JPN SERVER BOOK 7 CONTENT! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!***

.....Folks let me just say one thing...someone is gonna have to play for my therapy bills after this next chapter...

AND RUGGIE LOOKS SO CUTE BUT THEN I SAW HOW PEOPLE WERE SAYING HE'S ATTENDING ANOTHER SCHOOL IN HIS DREAM, SO ANOTHER STUDENT THAT DOESN'T DREAM ABOUT STILL BEING AT NRC!!!

I can't blame Ruggie either considering he was traumatized from Leona attacking AND trying to kill him, but also just how much Ruggie has been through SINCE THE GODDAMN DAY HE WAS BORN!

YANA, I SWEAR TO THE GREAT SEVEN IF THEY MAKE IT THAT BOTH HIS PARENTS ARE ALIVE AND RUGGIE HAS A HARD TIME COPING WITH THE REALITY THAT HE HAS TO GO BACK TO LOSING THEM AND BEING BROKE, I WILL BE SENDING YOU MY THERAPY BILL

LIKE, LOOK AT THIS FREAKING CUTIE!!

Ruggie Bucchi is without a doubt one of my favorite characters from Twist and IM GOING TO BE HAVING SUCH A HARD TIME SEEING RUGGIE GO THROUGH HIS TRAUMAS, CONSIDERING HE KEEPS THINGS PRIVATELY TO HIMSELF

RUGGIE BUCCHI, YOU ARE LOVED!!😭❤️❤️❤️

I am also so INCREDIBLY curious to see Leona's dream. Is he gonna be aware that it's a dream and accepts it? Is he like everyone else and doesn't remember anything from Lilia's farewell party?

And this will FINALLY BE ADDRESSED IN THIS UPDATE?!

WHAT DOES THAT MEANNNNNN?!?!

SOOOOOO WHAT DID YOU GIVE THEN, LEONA!?!

THIS QUESTION HAS BEEN EATING ME ALIVE FOR SO WAY TOO LONG BUT I SWEAR TO GOD IF WE DON'T GET ANSWERS FOR THIS IM GONNA RIP MY HAIR OUT

I FEEL OUT OF ALL THE BOOKS IN TWISTED WONDERLAND, THIS GROUP NEEDS REDEMPTION AND I WANNA SEE THEM BOND AND CRY TOGETHER OR SOMETHING JUST GIVE IT TO ME!!!

THE MOMENT I CAN GET A TRANSLATED VERSION OF THE UPDATE, I'M HAVING A TALL GLASS OF WINE AND SOME GREENERY (😉) AND DIVING INTO THIS CHAPTER!

LASTLY, I CANNOT BELIEVE WE ARE SO MUCH CLOSER (HOPEFULLY CAUSE I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE) TO SEEING ACE AND DEUCE AGAIN!!

AHHHHHH FHEJAFIOEAJFJERAJF I NEED TO SEE THEM BEFORE THE END OF THE YEAR

One concern I have though is we haven't see the dream/visions of when Prince Philip gets kidnapped by Maleficent and her goons

SO WHAT IF HE'S JUST WAITING FOR THE PERFECT OPPORTUNITY TO CUT US OFF AND PREVENT US FROM MAKING ANY MORE PROGRESS?!

AND WHAT ABOUT THIS ⬇️ ?!?!?!?!?!?!? (Sorry if it's a lot lol I'm overwhelmed, is it obvious?😂)

AHHHHHHH I JUST DON'T KNOW IF WE'LL GET ANSWERS FOR THIS IN HEARTSLABYUL'S CHAPTER, BUT IM HORRIFIED IM SEEING ACE AND DEUCE OVERBLOT OR SOMETHING

I NEED TO GO CALM DOWN, BUT I HOPE WE GET SOME ANSWERS!!

[my-pjo-stuff]

Imagine defending a fucking PEDOPHILE 💀💀💀 Do us all a favor and fucking kill yourself. People like you make me sick 🤮

Today in: Why the PJO isn't actually as nice and welcoming as they'd all like to believe they are! Naw but for real now, what sort of mental illness leads to someone sending something like THAT over a FICTIONAL CHARACTER. Get help, please.

That goes for everyone sending these things, by the way. Get help or a hobby. Try out therapy or something. Maybe touch some grass while you're on it????

This isn't the first time I got stuff like that. Normally I just don't talk about it and delete the ask since personally, it doesn't really phase me much and I don't wanna give those juggernauts exposure. But I just sort of felt the need to put it out here at least once. These sorts of asks say more about you people than it does about me.

[imhere4meg]

Introduction:

-name: You may call me Alex/cherry or blooki.

This is MY blog and I can post what ever I want to. If you don’t like what I post,then block me or leave me alone. I don’t wanna waste my time on anybody who insults me or my friends. I will NOT tolerate it.

Dni:

Minors? (I don’t really post suggestive content or violent content so if minors can read post but do not like my slightly sexual ones.)

Terfs

Actual misogyny men

Maps

Anyone older than 60+ please leave(not tryna see a grandpa like my content fr)

Hard limits:

Scat fetish based people

Watersports fetish based people

Anyone who likes Harry Potter.(leave kid.I don’t wanna hear abt how you love Draco malfoy or some shit)

Rules: you may dm me but don’t come message me about how you wanna Kill me. I’m not comfortable with that.

If you are an ADULT talking to minors in a normal or SEXUAL way,then gtfo

You must respect everyone who I interact with even if it’s with someone rude

Please dm me if:

You like or know Vocaloid,Visual novels,Percy Jackson,Stephen King,Or South Park.

And many more fandoms such as; FnaF,sb,Roblox,btd1-2,Tpof,and puppet combo games.I love to talk about these games and movies so please dm if you would like to be friends.

Do’s and Dont’s;

Do:

Vent to me. I will comfort you and give advice.I’ve been to therapy multiple times so I would like to help you.

Ask for permission while doing stuff you’re unsure about while interacting with me.

Respect other who I interact with

Don’t:

Cuss me out bc I don’t dm you back late(I’m busy)

Ask for pictures.

Tell others to kts bc they don’t like a fandom your in or something.

Send a picture of your genitalia or a nude.(not tryna see your grandma coochie or see your turkey dick)

[cody-apexart]

Day 10

So i talked to my therapist and another Vietnamese person at the cultural meet up a couple days ago about the abortion horror movie-- they havn't seen it, but it sounds like its less about the topic of abortion and more about the Vietnamese culture and different religious view points around death, killing things, and karma. interesting ! anyway, I cried in therapy and then bought myself some yanyans and soju on the walk home. so fun to get a lil treat! like i felt good when i left, did some good thought exercises, or visualization therapy, whatever you wanna call it, but as i walked through the privately owned waterfront development that I had watched the sunset in the night before, back across the bridge to my side of the canal I was rly like 'holy shit fuck this world.' In NY i work in the building associated with Domino Park in Williamsburg, part of my salary is funded directly by the developers. This is a job I wouldn't be able to have in my own neighborhood, because if i was taking payment from the developers causing displacement in my own neighborhood, i think a lot of the people i advocate and organize with would stop fucking with me or taking me seriously. I feel pretty bad about it, like why is it okay I work a job in Williamsburg, where i dont live, that I would never work in my hometown of Flushing? That is to say that making me go to therapy in the private waterfront mega development is like a cruel joke. like, the first thing i clocked when I came here was these six huge towers on the other side of the canal, and now u send me to cry about my feelings there?? maybe i'm a little too sensitive to the impacts of luxury waterfront development, because as you may be able to tell, advocacy around displacement and waterfront development actually consumes all my free time. also btw, the therapist confirmed the waterfront access is privately owned, as I assumed. Every time i cross over the canal it takes all my energy to not climb down this ladder under the bridge. I need to keep reminding myself i am a stranger in a strange land and should probs not trespass. but if i were in my own neighborhood, i wouldn't think twice.

the motorbike food tour tonight was fun. in my art practice i give a lot of tours, but always forget i'm a tour guide, until i tell someone about what I do and they're like "so you're a tour guide?" Me and my student tour guide vibed about the pains of touring people around. it was a fun experience, and funny to see how him and his other tour guide co-workers kinda just circle around each other with diff tourists throughout the evening-- all the tours start at the same time and go to the same places. he said they go to the same places every night, he's been eating the same food with tourist 3-4 times a week every week for 3 months since hes had this job. if i were a local i would probably find this method of touring incredibly annoying. He took me to the Thích Quảng Đức statue commemorating the monk that burned alive in the street advocating for religious freedom. He noted that the photos of the event that were distributed globally in the 1960's edit out the gas canister because it makes it look more profound and like he acted alone. You can see the bad 1960's photoshop blur in the left side of the image under the car tier. super interesting note on propaganda. Im glad I didn't come here without a guide, i would not have known that. I asked if this act of protest was effective, and if it worked to get what the Buddhist community wanted-- he said it got global eyes on the issue due to the distribution of the images. I mentioned to him that an american guy burned himself alive on the supreme court steps because of climate change last year, he was very surprised that there was basically no media coverage of that and he had not heard about it.

The tour groups kept circling around one another when we arrived at a public housing complex. we were basically walking through the projects taking photos, like honestly not a nice thing to be making a spectacle out of the people living in public housing projects. all these tour groups climbed 2-3 flights of stairs and walk around these peoples front doors, it happens every night. super obnoxious tbh. perhaps regrettably, I couldn't help but snap some pics, the lanterns were still up from the tet holiday, and the lighting was just right. These types of developments are what the book im reading is about, titled "building socialism: the afterlife of east german architecture in urban vietnam". I shared a photo of the cover before, these buildings look almost identical.

He pointed out the water tower and then we left.

[mischievouslittlecreature]

for Lucy

11) What was your inspiration for your OC?

12) Does your OC interact with other people's OC? If so, who's their best OC friend?

15) Will your OC ever retire? Do you see them making it?

Thank you for the ask, Juli! 🖤

11) What was your inspiration for your OC?

I draw little bits of inspo usually from other fictional characters. Villanelle from Killing Eve was one. But mostly I was inspired by the desperate need while watching the show for someone to give Tommy and fucking hug and tell him not everything was his fault. That was what Lucy really was born out of 😂.

I wouldn't call it inspiration so much, but Jean Tatlock from Oppenheimer has some scarily similar parallels to her that were mostly unintentional on my part.

12) Does your OC interact with other people's OC? If so, who's their best OC friend?

She does! I have yet to actually write anything featuring her with any others' OCs, but she's appeared in a couple people's fics! I welcome people to use her so long as they give me credit, don't pair her with any canon characters other than Tommy, Grace, or May (OCs are fine too) or have her get pregnant (I have tokophobia and having my OCs get pregnant is a trigger for me).

I don't really know who would be her best friend, and I don't wanna pick favorites! 🫣 She loves everyone!

15) Will your OC ever retire? Do you see them making it?

Hm. I don't see her ever being able to fully settle down. At least not Love Me Lucy. She's too restless, she always would be needing to do something to keep her mind busy. I could see her retreating into the wilderness maybe for a time, but I still think she'd get bored after awhile. Maybe if she started a business of some kind involving horses and working with them and war veterans or something, she might be able to be content with that. Not really a retirement, but much lower risk from what she was doing before 😂. (I actually have an idea surrounding her starting up a equestrian therapy business in a modern AU 🤭).

Secret Ask List

Send me an ask

[w4nnab3be4utyqu33n]

My heart breaks when I come across a page like yours with an owner the age you are because I see myself a decade ago. I would genuinely give my life to stop young me from going down the road I did and it all began with a small ed account similar to yours. I was thirteen then, completely sure this would be something I’d do for a few months and then be done with it. I’m now twenty one. I’m relapsing again. It has never stopped for one second. The voice is always there. There hasn’t been a moment since I created that first account where I have had a healthy thought about food or my body. Over the years, my view of myself has become so distorted that I don’t trust the mirror. I look at myself and am always unsure if I actually look like that. Or if I’m fatter or skinnier. I haven’t worn tank tops or anything with spaghetti straps since I was thirteen. If I wear leggings, I have to wear shirts long enough to cover my thighs. I delete photos from my family’s photo album because I hate how I look. This disorder stemmed from a traumatic incident, but as time as passed and I’ve gotten therapy, I’ve gotten over it, but this disorder lingers on. It sticks on you and takes a mind of its own. I plan my outfits for fancy events weeks in advance. I hate my family’s tradition of taking pajama photos in Christmas because I think I look fat in pajamas. I hate how I dress. I wish I could dress how I want, but I hate myself so much in it that I settle for boring shit. It holds me back from being healthy, authentic, and free. When I first created my account, I too get messages from older people saying the same thing I’m telling you now. And I also ignored them. I didn’t care and thought I wouldn’t let it get “that bad.” But, spoiler alert, just THINKING about starving yourself is “that bad.” My heart aches as I know you are starting a vicious cycle that will steal so much happiness. I wish I listened when I was thirteen. My only regret in my entire life is this disorder. The only thing I wish I could change. It is impossible for me to convey how much it isn’t worth it. You’re young. Delete this account and reach out ASAP. You’re doing this for a deeper reason than just weight loss (probably control). You have time before you’re doomed like me. Because that’s what I am. Doomed. This will always haunt me. I know I’m lucky if you even consider what I’m saying right now and I understand if you respond with a little “thanks but I’m too fat anyway xoxo.” I know you because you are me in the same exact path I was. I look on your account and it’s word for word, post for post, picture for picture of what I did. You don’t realize how much of a kid you still are and it just is heartbreaking watching you suffer. Knowing first hand the pain you’re enduring. There is a way out, but I can’t force you to take it. I can tell you life will be way easier if you get out now, or you can learn the hard way. It’s up to you. But regardless, I am sending all of my love to you. You deserve so much more and I am so sorry for whatever brought you to this state. Please stay safe and please hang in there. You will see this through and it will get better. Keep living❤️

I always wanna sob seeing messages like this. Like, im so grateful that people out there care about me and want the best for me, but i just hate that i can never find such people irl. Im alone most of the time and no one has ever cared when i told them about my issues. I would kill to reach out to someone but there's no one who'll listen. I hate how hard this has to be :(

[bittercoldbrew]

business vampire?? demon gf?????? i simply must know more.

let's dooooo family and future!

Cas* I am SO sorry that it's taken me this long to answer from that prompt I reblogged uhhhhh a month (???) ago 😭😭😭 I don't have a good excuse except that I'm bad at things, but I can't thank you enough for asking about my two beloved idiots, they're everything to me.....🥲

Business Vampire, aka Max, aka Maximilian (yes it's his real name, no you can't call him that) is a recently-promoted Regional Manager of a temp agency that hires out vampire office clerks. They're diligent! They're effective! They'll work third shift! Hire a vampire today!! He's also...just kind of a bastard. Himbo-adjacent, but he's not always particularly nice, and not actually stupid--just willing to be ignorant about things that don't directly benefit him. He was way into his MBA program before he realized they weren't actually joking about the whole ~undead~ thing; and when he did, he figured he wasn't really doing anything with his immortal soul anyway 🤷🏽 Might as well cash it in now, right? He's Bad Bi Rep(tm) and was a prolific serial dater when he was alive--not a cheater, just addicted to "the chase", always loved a tough sell. Now that he's got supernatural mind control powers though, convincing someone to give him a chance when they initially don't like him comes way too easily and it completely killed the vibe; he's not actually a piece of shit, he just dresses like one. If he ever went to therapy he'd actually have to think about why, exactly, it's so important to him to pursue the kinds of people who are immediately repulsed by the persona he embodies, in the hopes that they'll dig a little deeper and find something worthwhile in him instead. He absolutely does not go to therapy.

Juniper, for better or worse, is exactly the kind of person to find him repulsive, and she's immune to his magical vampire compulsion trick, too. To call her a demon or his girlfriend are both a little misleading--she's only part-infernal, on her father's side, and she doesn't even like Max. She...is sleeping with him, though. Occasionally. And then a bit more often than occasionally. And then...a bit more often than that. But nope, no way, definitely not into Max. He's arrogant, annoying, and...absurdly attractive 😔 She's pathologically self-conscious about the whole infernal monster thing; she makes humans uneasy, in an instinctive, subconscious, fight-flight-or-freeze prey drive kind of a way, so she gears her whole life around keeping to herself and going unnoticed and trying her best to never make anyone afraid of her. But Max...isn't remotely afraid of her. And it's...nice, to finally have found someone who isn't. And he very much should be--the infernal magic in her blood is quite literally toxic to vampires, and drinking too much of it will quite literally kill him, this time for good. But...drinking just a little has a narcotic effect, and she's human enough that it satisfies his hunger for a while, and she agrees to fuck him, too? He's certain he's getting the better end of this deal, but he's sure not about to risk it by pointing that out.

ANYWAY, yeesh, that's way too much preamble before actually getting to your questions, sorry 😅 I just really love these two. But yes, goodness, prompts!! Gonna stick these under a cut because clearly I'm incapable of keeping concise! But hopefully this has whet peoples' appetites and you all will wanna know more about my darling monsters ���🥲 Everyone feel free to keep sending me those prompts if you wanna know more about them or any of my other OCs 🥰🥰🥰

Family: Like I said, Juniper is infernal on her dad's side; he's never been around much, but he's very sweet with her when he is and she's really fond of him in return. His dad was a genuine infernal creature, chaos and corruption and decay made flesh, so he's even less human than June is, and as such simply doesn't have much understanding of the sorts of things that strain human relationships, like distance and time and lack of communication (which is why June's mom broke things off with him shortly after June's birth). June is his only child, and she's way more sympathetic towards him and his less-than-stellar parenting skills than anyone else in her family--her mom, stepdad, and two half-sisters all just try to pretend that he doesn't exist and even if he did exist then there totally definitely wasn't anything weird or unusual about him at all. June moved across the country as soon as she was old enough to get away, and she gets the sense they're all trying to pretend the same things about her, too. It hurts her feelings way more than she lets on, but helps solidify her decision to keep everyone ever at a distance (until Max comes barreling through all her carefully crafted defenses).

Max is somehow even less close with his family. He talks to his mom on the phone for birthdays and big holidays, but hasn't seen her or spoken to his father in years. Vampire powers or no, he'd probably kill the man on sight, given half the chance. His dad was an army engineer once upon a time, and then a traditional engineer when that was over, so there really was never much chance of any amount of emotional availability over there yet even so he was a real piece of work. Max was an only child, and his mom always tried to comfort him after his dad's verbal and emotional abuse but was never able or willing (he doesn't know which, and decided ages ago that he doesn't actually care) to prevent or intervene in the abuse when it happened. Again, a tiny amount of therapy might help him realize that his whole prideful, unserious, charming lothario persona was initially just a front he put on to piss off his shitty dad. But why would he do any self-reflection when he's got this hot, mean demon babe with her own luggage rack of family baggage to bang about it, instead?

Future: This is such a good prompt but unfortunately not one I can answer very thoroughly without spoiling my own (still very roughly drafted) plot. BUT I can say that there's a vampire named Leon that they're both interested in seeing, Max for the first time ever, June for the first time in several years. Leon's the leader of a very powerful vampire sect, and possibly the oldest living one in North America, and he's...sort of missing? Maybe? No one's seen him in a couple years now, though he's definitely not dead because the vampires he sired (and the ones they'd sired, and on down quite a few degrees of separation) would have felt a weakening of their own power if he'd died. And it isn't super unusual for him to just kind of wander off and disappear for a while; much like June's dad, he's so old that he doesn't have much sense of insignificant things like the passage of time. But it's odd for him to have been gone for this long without anyone having seen nor heard from him. June isn't terribly worried for him--he's a big vampire, he can take care of himself--but they're friends (insofar as either of them really have "friends"), and she'd like to know for certain that he's alright. Max, meanwhile, thinks it'd be good for business to get in with the "trads", and knowing and/or collaborating with a guy like Leon would definitely give him a leg up on his way to the c-suite. June figures that's as close to a genuine motivation as she'll see from her annoying vampire fuckboi, but, hey, fuck it, she'll take what she can get.

[the-moon-at-zenith]

on the note of neurodivergency

i'm literally an impulsive mess with no sense of danger, and i may acknowledge consequences but do the shit anyways because of the above traits

i'm a blabber and the let's-do-this-cursed-thing person at the party who then hermits for half a year

i forget appointments and b-days bc on THE day it never occurs to me what day that is. i forget to eat or pee when i'm invested in the thing i'm doing. and yet when not in hyperfocus, a single distractor will send me out of the zone for hours

i get overwhelmed when too many ppl are speaking. i can't stand the buzz of lamps and live in the dusk of my bedroom. sometimes a feeling of fabric on my skin makes me wanna scream

i'm often clumsy as in have no spacial awareness and bump into things (poor proprioception duh). i have a flexible sense of self and am rebellious with the rules i don't get, e.g. i consider gender a scam (but respect gender identity)

i enjoy company in meticulously calculated doses, or i get burnt out

and i have an interest-based brain which makes most learning, time-management, and habit development "strategies" designed for importance-based brains literal trash for me

disabilities affect who we are and how we live

i am ADHDer and autistic bc these conditions literally make me who i am as a person

[in advance: thanks for your post, OP!]

[also i'm speaking of mental disabilities as these are the ones i can speak of from experience; still, i don't by any means nean to shut out ppl with physical disabilities from being able to identify with and relate to the statement]

speaking of mental diseases? (tw: suicidal thoughts, self-destructive behavior, eating disorder, addiction, self-harm; a hopeful ending though)

i'm a survivor and a fighter even when it looks like i'm lying down playing dead

when a friend of mine said “oh hey why are you identify yourself through depression? and is medication rly necessary? i took antidepressants for a while, got them from a friend, it was such a nice feeling, like being slightly high all the time," he stopped being my friend for not listening when i literally said "pills help me not wanna kill myself and i can shower once a week." they made your ass high because they weren't fucking meant for you, asshole

when i was depressed, i used to abuse substances, drink drink drink never eat or eat and then get bulimic and then drink spirits again, and engage in dangerous behaviors

i've learnt to cope better with it over the years because i was also a person who went to therapy bc if i could end it all at any given time, i could give pills and talk a try bc nothing rly mattered anymore and i'm in control now so why the fuck not

i'm the person who didn't (and still doesn't) jump, as my friend put it, i'm a depression survivor every time i have it

not to say that road wasn't (or isn't still) bumpy, i continued abusing alcohol and weed for a looong while alongside medicating bc that's what helped me stay afloat at the time when therapy wasn't available - until it didn't and i quit - with a whole row of relapses but still managed after all (i sure don't recomment using and drinking while on meds, everyone's bodies are different and someone's can react badly to such a mix; but you're not bad for not wanting or not being ready to quit, or for relapsing for that matter)

so when i'm depressed now i'm someone who acknowledges that while depressed, my brain straight-up lies to me. i still struggle with suicidal thoughts but i've learned to see them for what they are - chemicals disbalance and a shitty situation in my life which i somehow need to sort out so that my brain stops telling me that self-destruction is our only option; and pills (and talk, if available) are gonna give me that little boost to get through with the needed change or just to wait out the storm. and i get my overachieving ass a whole LOT of slack, lie down and nap a lot. that's what self-care looks like for me.

i also know that a depressed brain forgets 50-75% of the events that happen because the condition steals your memory (and with ADHD i already live in the present mostly bc past is vague and future isn't real) to the point where you forget not only the depressed period but what happiness had even felt like before so it seems surreal. so i remind myself that contentment and pleasure from doing things aren't made-up, i just forgot how they feel, and one day i'll feel them again

i'm also the person who's open abt all my conditions with ppl in my circles as i don't wanna ppl get offended bc of me not socializing for eternity cause i don't have energy/ hybernate/ count my spoons. and when i do speak abt it, i don't educate ppl anymore bc it's taxing for me. educate yourself if you feel that you still wanna be invested in our friendship, i'm not doing that extra work for ya

i'm even open abt my depression at work (i have this privilege) so i asked for reduction of my office days and work from home most of the week. i've learnt to ask for accomodations

so i'm a recurrently depressed person too, which means that yeah, i'm a survivor and a fighter - and it's important for me to keep these parts of my identity in mind esp when i'm down

i'm down but not defeated, so i will lie down for as long as it takes (a month, a year, whatever) and then one day i'll start crawling, and then even making small steps with my own two legs

Stop telling disabled people to "stop making their disability their personality".

For starters, who cares if they do make it their personality? People with disabilities literally fight tooth and nail for everything in their lives. If "making it their personality" makes them feel a bit better, let them.

Besides that, disabilities kind of have to be your personality, considering the fact they literally disable you. It literally effects your life, which effects the way you do literally everything.

Suck it up, people talking about their disabilities isn't the end of the world.

[losingmymindtonight]

WARNINGS: Peter jokes about dying a lot in this. It’s just Gen Z humor, but if that’s likely to trigger you, please be careful!

--

On days like this, the cabin was a haven, a lighthouse, a McDonald’s sign shining through midnight darkness.

(Okay, maybe his last metaphor wasn’t as romantic as the others, but it was still true. Midnight hash browns were the best hash browns. Fight him.)

Peter thought he was a pretty chill person. Hell, he was known for a being a chill person. Go to Peter, people said. He’s just so chill, people said. You could punch him in the face and he’ll apologize, people said.

(Okay, maybe nobody actually said that about him, because nobody besides, like, a handful of people actually cared about his existence, but if they did, that’s probably be what they’d say.)

But, sometimes, he just got frustrated. Like, kinda-wanted-to-find-some-abandoned-hunting-lodge-in-the-middle-of-a-forest-somewhere-and-tear-it-to-pieces-with-his-bare-hands frustrated. 

(Okay, maybe not a whole hunting lodge. Maybe, like, a cabin. Or a half-molded shed. The point was: he wanted to annihilate something. The more satisfying the thing was to destroy, the better.)

He’d admitted it rather shamefully to Tony in the lab, once, and the man had laughed so hard that Peter had genuinely thought he was going to hyperventilate.

“Jesus, Pete, you are not actually feeling bad for occasionally, just occasionally, being frustrated, are you? Because if you are, I’m selling you for a less faulty kid.”

As it turned out, Tony was probably gonna have to sell him, because the guilt never, ever abated. See, Peter wasn’t supposed to get frustrated. That wasn’t his purpose. He was a fixer. Fixers were patient, wise, and they certainly didn’t get frustrated. They didn’t get angry. Those emotions were not things that fixers felt.

Maybe he was faulty. Maybe Tony should sell him.

He was always a mess when he was pissed, and he always blamed it on inexperience with functioning when he was focusing so much energy on not punching the nearest object. He tripped getting out of his car, locked his backpack inside and ended up fumbling angrily with the trunk before finally, finally getting it open. When he got to the door, he missed the lock the first time and then it took him four tries to get the damn thing open.

(He nearly cried at that point. Which, was, you know, not his proudest moment.)

Tony was reading on the couch when he came stomping in, although the book was quickly discarded. Peter just threw himself face-first onto the unoccupied loveseat, groaning for a solid fifteen seconds before Tony’s amused voice interrupted him.

“You alright there, kiddo?”

“I’m gonna kill someone,” he said, monotone despite the lava in him, “and then I’m gonna kill myself, and then I’m gonna... well, I don’t actually know who’s gonna die after that bit, but the killing’s not ending there, I can tell you that.”

Tony whistled. “Wow, Pete. Resorting to a murder-suicide before dinner? That’s drastic, even for me. Must’ve been one hell of a day.”

He couldn’t stop the snort that jumped up his throat. God, he hated being so cynical. It really didn’t come all that naturally to him. It felt like wearing a suit that didn’t quite fit.

“You have literally no idea.”

“Wanna tell me about it?”

Poor Tony. He was the one who always had to listen to him complain. He barely did it with his friends, certainly never did it with May. Like he’d said before, that wasn’t his purpose, wasn’t his role in those dynamics.

But here? In the cabin, carefully cocooned in the safe-space of Tony’s world? Yeah, he could be a little whiny.

Still, though: poor Tony.

“I hate people,” he rambled. “I hate the world. I hate myself. I even hate the sky. Can I hate the sky? Is that, like, a thing I can do? You know what, don’t answer that, cause I do, so it’s a thing I’ve done either way.”

“Mm,” Tony replied, and Peter could hear the leather on the couch creak as he shifted his weight. “I have a proposition.”

“Does the proposition include me dying?”

“Uh, absolutely not. Haven’t we been over this? No dying, not allowed. You dying is off limits.”

“Tragic.”

“Shut up. Besides, my proposition is much better than dying.”

Peter turned his head, and used the one eye not smothered by the loveseat’s cushion to squint over at Tony. “What’s your proposition?”

“Scream.”

“Uh, excuse me?”

“Just scream. Loud as you can. We’re the only ones in the house, by the way, so you won’t worry anyone. Pep’s with Morgan at her dance class.”

“You want me to scream?”

“It’s therapeutic.”

“It’s weird.”

“No, it’s therapeutic,” Tony shot back, rolling his eyes. “C’mon, kid. I dare you.”

“No, no, don’t make this a dare-”

Tony was grinning, obviously beyond proud of himself. “I bet you won’t do it.”

“Mister Stark-”

“Who knew that Spider-Man was scared of a little screaming, huh?”

“I’m not scared-”

“You seem a little scared.”

“I’m not-”

“You sure? Cause I’m starting to wonder if I need to-”

Peter buried his face into the cushion, and screamed.

He paused. Gasped in a breath that smelled like hot sweat and damp leather. Screamed again.

There were a few seconds of silence after he’d finished. Then,

“You done?”

He rolled onto his back, giving Tony his full attention. The man had his legs propped up on the coffee table, arms folded behind his head: the picture of relaxation. Definitely not how you’d expect someone to look if they’d just had a sixteen-year-old kid screaming their head off in their living room.

“Yeah,” he said. “I’m done.”

“Feel better?”

“A little,” he admitted, and it was true. The frustration was still there, lingering like a pit in his chest, but he knew it’d probably stick around until the next day, anyway, so any relief was, well, a relief.

Mostly, he was just feeling guilty for feeling those things in the first place.

“You’re allowed to be pissed off sometimes, y’know,” Tony said, studying his face. One day, Peter was determined to uncover how it was that his mentor always seemed to know exactly what he was thinking before he’d even finished thinking it. “It’s called being human. Even freakishly precious kids like yourself aren’t immune to that particular tragedy.”

“I don’t like it, though.”

Tony laughed. “I know. Seriously though, Pete, you’re a good kid. Give yourself some leeway. Not everyone can be cheerful all the time.”

Peter sighed, shoving a cushion off the loveseat just because he could. “But if I’m not cheerful, who’s gonna be?”

“Uh, I don’t know, maybe jolly old Saint Nicholas?” Tony rolled his eyes. “Anyway, who gives a shit? Everybody’s supposed to get their day in the sun, but that means that you’re allowed a day in the darkness, too.” He shuddered. “God, look what you’ve done to me. I just got poetic.”

Despite the resentment still brewing him his gut, he couldn’t resist Tony’s prodding. “It was good, Mister Stark. Like, really good. Like, Shakespeare who? Sorry, I don’t know him.”

“You’re obnoxious.”

“Hey, I’ve had a bad day.”

“Are you gonna sing a sad song just to turn it around?”

“Daniel Powter.”

Tony stared at him like he’d just spoken a foreign language. “Excuse you?”

“Daniel Powter,” Peter repeated. “He’s the guy who did that song, Bad Day.”

“Well, thank god I know that now,” Tony said, reaching out for the remote and turning on the TV. “Now, I say we drown our sorrows in awful television and pizza for dinner. Thoughts? Comments? Objections?”

The cabin: haven, lighthouse, midnight McDonald’s. All things that called out to people in the dark. “Sounds good to me.”

It looked like they were going to move on, that the previous moment had passed, but then Tony stalled, face growing serious again. “Actually, one last thing before I let you change the subject for good.” Tony pointed at him with the remote. “Remember this: you’re allowed to clean up your own messes before you clean up everybody else’s, and you’re not responsible for other people.”

“I feel responsible for other people,” Peter muttered.

“Yeah, well, you’re delusional.” Tony turned back to the screen. “Now: Family Feud or Kitchen Nightmares?”

“Star Wars!” Peter exclaimed, just to lighten the mood, and to see Tony’s face.

Sure enough, the fond-annoyance blossomed within a second.

“No-”

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

I think the way I talk to people should considered a form of sel.fharm

[cafe-de-lune]

please write more of the girl gang leader !! it’s soooo good <3

꒰ ☕️ ꒱ؘ Order: black coffee ࿐ ࿔*:･ﾟ

꒰ ☕️ ꒱ؘ Order details: girl gang leader becoming a member of Bonten. original post

꒰ ☕️ ꒱ؘ tags: violence, blood, murder/killing, drug mentions, mentions of abuse (not detailed; brief), slightly suggestive jokes, crazy/insane reader

ft. bonten

.˚🌙 ༘┊͙ bonten ;

ex girl gang leader would be the only female executive in Bonten, commanding the only all female division within the criminal group. Your division is mainly in charge of disguises, trickery, spying, negotiations, and missions that involve seduction.

You are infamously regarded as Japan’s Femme Fatale as you use your beauty and manipulative tactics to sway the likes of men and women

To the men, you are regarded as a dangerous woman—being able to use your charms to get whatever you want whether that be information, a good deal, or just their life.

To woman, you are regarded as some sort of safe heaven. To the abused, sold, or unfortunate women, you offer them a place on your team, allowing them to choose what they want to specialize in and protect their last shred of dignity by allowing them choice

“Women protecting women.” Is your motto

But to those who defies you and Bonten, no matter what gender, you will show them no mercy. To you it’s either “die” or “give up your loyalty to that person and align with me.”

Despite all that, you are still widely regarded as bat shit insane like your younger years

“Koko! Listen, I’ve got this really, really good idea for the mission that Mikey assigned me to. How about we invest in some explosives and make their base go kaboom? It would be like our own little firework show!! How romantic would that be??”

“Heyyyy lemme interrogate this guy!!” the usual interrogators stared at each other with apprehension in their eyes before stepping away.

“Don’t mind me! I just wanna test out what hurts the most!” You say as your subordinates open a suitcase full of obscure items such as a radish, kimchi, Carolina reaper, pepper x, a slipper, and a frozen (?) fish. “Consider this free therapy!”

“Clearly they aren’t cooperating with us, so why don’t I just gift them with the head of their leader then? He’s kinda old anyways. His time is bound to be up someday so why don’t I just give them free express shipping? I bet that way they will listen to us!” “No it would start a war.”

Finding traitors is your speciality. Remember how girl gang leader had a soft and shy, and wholesome image? Yeah, you can easily revert back to that and charm your way

The traitor would think “how can this innocent being be affiliated with Bonten?” Of course with a little alcohol in their system and batting your eyelashes, their lips naturally loosen

That is when you would innocently pour them another drink. Except the drink is drugged. So the next time they wake up, it’s facing the executives in some warehouse—waiting to be executed

Mikey has grown indifferent to your… uniqueness. He just lets you employ whatever methods you want if you can convince Koko to fund it

If he’s really mad at someone then he would send you knowing you use the most unique way to make them suffer (but that’s kinda rare in itself. I feel like it’s hard to anger Bonten Mikey)

But on the less violent and criminal side of things, you and Mikey often go get taiyaki together. (That or it’s just you going on a taiyaki run for Mikey.) just imagine a rather dead looking man eating taiyaki with a happy-go-lucky girl beside him, swinging her legs and humming happily

(“Mikey, did you know, back when I was in high school, I was gonna lure you using a taiyaki trail! I really do think it would work but my executives stopped me! How boring right? It’s not like i poisoned it or anything!”)

Bonten Mikey probably doesn’t take care of himself well, so you become his self-proclaimed stylist and care taker

“Mikey, I literally saw you yesterday so how did your eye bags become so bad? They’re darker than my future istg. No. This can’t happen. Not on my watch.” You say as you drag Mikey to your office to prepare for a spa day

“(Name) we have a meeting today. We need Mikey soon” -takeomi

“Screw the meeting. This is code red. His skin isn’t gonna be like this. I kill people for a living but I draw the line here!”

you still participate in the more… bloody side of bonten like the rest of the executives. (As earlier) Somehow, you and Sanzu make quite the pair when you two are assigned the same mission

normally it’s goes like a formula. You teasing the shit out of sanzu before ending your bullshit to complete the mission before Mikey gets too impatient (the teasing is getting more flirtatious though)

“Hey hey hey,” you say as you sat on your target. “Sanzuu don’t be shy and just admit you dyed your hair pink because I told you it would look good on you! ♡. Why else would you dye your hair pink? You clearly like me more than you show it!”

“Shut up woman and kill that damn traitor,” Sanzu grumbled as he flashed a glance on the trembling guy you took as a stool

“Hold on hold up! Lemme bestow some of my fashion wisdom onto this guy!” You say as you roughly tugged his hair so that his face is towards you.

“Hmmm… yes yes! I think you would look good with blush on!! Here! Lemme give you free blush!” You bashed his head towards the concrete ground (giving sanzu blashbacks from the three deities era)

“Andddd,” you looked at his bloodied face. “ ah yes!! You look prettier! But you know what would look the prettiest on you?” You giggled. “My cute bullets! They would be cute accessories for your hair!” And while laughing you nonchalantly shot him point blank with your gun “I told you you would look pretty with my cute bullets~♡”

Koko is your personal bank. Whether that be funding your makeup, brand name items, cars, custom made stuff, to your personal projects such as creating large explosions, bulldozing, and your own personal squid game(s) if there was enough people

(except (for the squid games), the winner gets an extra few relaxing days of life and they get to spend it with you. And by relaxing I mean using them as a table or stool)

He is also usually the one following you to important negotiations. You of course are disguised as a bar hostess or something and while you are entertaining and seducing the potential partner, koko keeps on demanding more and more

Of course, all you need to do is to flutter your eyes, honey your words, and fake enthusiasm/praises for their walls to break. And after that Kokonoi just strikes

Of course, from time to time, there will be persistent business deal partner who tries to hire you for entertainment because all they knew you as is the dumb girl who entertained them

Kokonoi knows that so he makes sure they won’t bother you. (He says it’s because it’s tiring cleaning up after your massacres but you know he’s just watching out for you as he knows you hate dealing with those men the most)

“Kokooo!! I need money!”

“What for?” He asked, raising a brow

“ehe!” I’ve been playing too much genshin im sorry slap me

people can’t tell if you and ran are dating as you two always seem to flirt and show physical affection with each other. Other people say you flirt with the other executives too but it’s kinda one sided and this is definitely my bias for ran showing

“(Name),” your subordinates walked in (looking like she was done with your shut) with a bouquet of roses in hand.

“Oh my Aiko, I didn’t know you like me romantically! I don’t mind though!”

“You know I have a boyfriend. Anyways, this isn’t from me, it’s from Ran.” She gave you the roses.

“Oh ran! Such a sweetheart! And look!” You took one rose out of the bouquet. “These are knives in disguise!!! I can test them out in my next mission!!! What a darling.”

And there is also

“Raaaaaan, I miss your braids,” you say as you gave him a back hug while he was sitting by his desk, doing paperwork. He just gave you an amused expression. “I miss the days where I can just pull them and make you kiss the ground.”

“Oh? Instead of the ground I’d much rather kiss you~♡”

Also also

“Brother, did you go to the whores at the bar again?” Rindou pointed at the lipstick stain on his face and collar. “No. You can’t tell by the colour? It’s clearly (name).”

Your relationship with rindou is still a love-hate one. You annoy the hell out of him and he can’t avoid you considering you are (sadly) one of Mikey’s trusted executives. But you do feel he is nicer towards you!!!

He’s usually the one who holds your bags after a shopping spree. (Though you forced him to and you drag him. But he didn’t actively reject you!!!)

“Rinrin!!” You pulled on the back of his mullet like a dog leash. (“Ow!! Wtf (name)?? I told you not to pull my hair!”) “It’s your mullet’s fault for looking like a dog’s leash, now carry these for me!” You shoved bags to him. “Drop one bag and I will make sure you drop both of your balls. Well that way you can join my division!”

“Rinrin, lemme braid your mullet! Sanzu said no so now you have to be test subject- I mean model!”

“What the fuck are you holding in your hand (name). Istg is that a fucking snake?? Are you trying to braid a snake into my hair???”

“It’s fake I swear! I just thought since people want to be fucking snakes, I might as well attach a snake to them and you are just my practice model! And plus I’m giving them a free pet! I’m just so nice giving things out for free!!”

And and

“Rinrin c’mere!” You drag him to your office by tugging on his tie. Change your tie to a red one now!”

“???”

“If I’m going on a mission with you and being seen with you, you should spare my dignity by at least wearing matching outfits with me! Look! It’s the same red as my dress! Now hurry up before I choke you and make you all blue.”

Kakucho and you go on missions together a lot as well. He is mostly sane so he becomes the voice of reason and stops you before things become too fun for you (much to your chagrin. But you don’t really mind considering you can see him shirtless)

“Kaku-chaaan, why can’t I give them a makeover before killing them? Look at them! They look like a blob fish! If they go to hell like this, satan might just fucking send him back because of how horrid they are by their appearance!”

“And by makeover you mean hitting them with a metal rod. It takes too long and it’s messy to cleanup.”

“Fine~!! You do you. But hurry up because I’m getting bored!”

Takeomi’s black card is your free estate. You usually ask for it if kokonoi rejects giving you money. He usually just gives it to you without questioning your intent. Though these days, he questions you

He is also your go-to person when you are on your monthly pains. At this point, he probably knows your cycle so in order for the base to be peaceful he takes it upon himself to supply you with your feminine products and favourite snacks

Takeomi sees you as a little sister figure as said in the previous post. He just feels like he has to look out for you because of your past relationship/affiliation with Senju. And he is most definitely the first one who learns why you became the person you are with your values

. . . . . ꒰ ♡ ꒱ ,, its not exactly the request but I just wanted to write Bonten girl gang boss ⌲˘͈ᵕ˘͈

[star-on-a-beach]

Fuck yes

In fact

Here's how spaquest would go for my characters bc you got me hooked in less than 3 seconds

Icia's doing literally everything there except manicures/pedicures, she especially loves aromatherapy, hot towel/stone massages, or sound therapy. Yeah, she'd like anything, and is more than happy to try sand baths, storm rooms, wax massages, you name it. The whole aesthetic is incredibly calming for her and I now realize just how badly Icia needs a spa day.

Starro's getting a good-ass facial and gets a manicure despite having mitten hands. He also would really really enjoy a massage but never feel like it's strong enough. He probably does his own spa treatments back in his room, mostly having to do with taking care of his stars.

Dunite's not a big spa girl, but she totally gets a mani-pedi and ends up falling asleep in the chair, then compliments the place on having AMAZING chocolate strawberries. Aaaand gets forced into a face mask by Sammy lol

Astrion: literally everything, he LOVES spas. He tends to mostly stay in a sauna or get a massage because cleaning up the inn is TOUGH. Scalp massages and back massages both apply here.

Gaia fucking NEEDS a facial and a mani-pedi, and she'd 100% be the kind to buy some spa-brand scrubs and perfumes. Tbh she'd do pretty much anything too, and would ADORE the spa robes and clothes.

Callista sticks with hydrotherapy and facials, she enjoys just soaking in the water for a long time. Also, she ain't coming out of a storm room for a DAMN long time. And a really good hair washing? Um, fuck YES.

Manna would be BEGGING Casper to take her to a spa, and she'd ask for like. A mermaid bundle with some hydrotherapy, a kiddie facial, and a mani-pedi, all mermaid and underwater themed. She'd also probably be completely adored by all the staff and trying to be on her best behavior the entire time.

You will have a better chance of sending Chase into a volcano by a flying shark El Macho style than getting him into a spa alive. He'd get crazy uncomfortable and feel very out of place. Buuuuuuut, if you somehow fucking get him in one without him killing himself, he's staying with aromatherapy or hydrotherapy the whole time and not letting ANYONE touch him

Uhhhhhh fuck who else

Someone get Sammy a fucking massage, he'd kill for that. Actually no, he needs a chiropractor for his damn shoulder. But otherwise, he's doing a facial (that he also makes Dunite do) and that's it. He would eat the cucumbers over his eyes by the eay

Odette is staying FAR away from spas, but they'd buy all the stuff to give themselves spa treatments at home. Mostly long soaks in a flower-filled tub with strawberries and no lights, followed by a decent tea ceremony.

Slyn's gonna request each of his snake fingers gets its own massage. Not for him, but because they probably need it.

Fuck I wanna go to a spa now

But yay

Spaquest

spaquest

everyone gets to go to the spa and relax :3

[myunghology]

━ heizou with a ranpo! s/o ( gender - neutral , headcanons ) part 2 / 2 , long awaited part 2 after 5 - ish months. if u remember u a real one frfr

: to be fair, he was kinda envious of you once you first met. you two kept giving each other dirty ass stares, you two were low-key judging each other once you first layed eyes on each other. insert that one gum chewing meme. BUUUT he did think you were cute.

: by the way, he felt so betrayed once he talked to sara about this, he was like “wtf you don't need a new detective im right here!?” and you were like “but im just.. better” OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ( he doesn't believe you btw can you tell )

: omg back handed compliments 100%. red tick marks showing on you boths' forehead. the soldiers had to stop you two from probably getting into a cat fight. wait let me just

: “something smells bad here. probably you.” — heizou, “really? i think it's just you smelling your own breath!” — you. he was almost gonna kill you that time. “... ███ ██████ █████, ███ █████ ███ ███ ████ !!!!!” — him. 100%.

: one time, you two were having an argument and someone passed by, and they thought it was just a simple lovers quarrel, and said and i quote, “oh, you two are such a cute couple!” ( you both almost puked on the spot. but luckily you two had a inch of self control and respect! the disbelief on you boths' faces was a lil too obvious though. work on that ) “oh..! really? thank you!” your voice dying at the end of the sentence while they walked away, sending you both a small smile. once you were sure they were gone, you muttered a small “i wouldn't date a cheap plagiarized version of me.” AND OHHHHHHH he definitely heard you.

: but were you both gonna deny your heart pounding literally almost through your ribcage? yes

: you both were in denial so bad! it was so sad to look at tbh did you really hate each other that much let's be honest. or were you just so jealous of each other that you assumed you hated them when actually your astonished, mesmerized, even felt a sense of relief when heizou found out he had another person to help him out because let's still be honest, you two are both tired but just want to be better than each other but you two seriously need each other. and therapy

: might i add this

: “hey, heizou. let's eat together.” you called, “no thanks.” — heizou, “sit down.” — you, probably. bro sat immediately

: once you FINALLY proved yourself, it was still the same LOL

: you guys seriously need help so obviously

: getting into a relationship was not easy for the both of you

: so.. when he confessed, you thought he was just playing around with you. so, you told him to fuck off, of course!

: but then you started over thinking “what if it was a real confession” and “what if he thought you rejected him”

: then THANKFULLY to your over thinking YOUR DUMBASS finally confesses

: you wanna know what happens?

: tbc

: nah jk he

: rejects you

: playfully of course what're you on babe

: then accepts ur confession :)

: btw u still fight every 1 hour

[danielxricciardo]

for the song prompt list #38 with max please 🥺

Summary: One sided love with Max Verstappen

Warnings: angst, swearing

Word count: 2.7k

38. “You wouldn’t know love if it crushed your fucking chest.”

One-sided love is like waiting for something that is never going to happen. It is like looking into those eyes that will never look back into yours. It is like having someone in your heart but not in your arms. It is suffocating. It starts eating you from inside.

It starts from the moment you meet them. The eye contact that chills your spine, the butterflies somersaulting in your stomach, just the mere thought of them sends goosebumps all over your skin. Your eyes wander and you can't concentrate whenever they're around; despite feeling a little embarrassed for approaching them, you do so anyway and exchange numbers in the hope that at least a friendship will develop. I mean, they're cool, you're cool, you should hang out or something. Or whatever.

It becomes harder to remain nonchalant. Your moderate interest in this person turns into the non-stop checking of your phone to see if they've contacted you... absolute elation when they do, and utter, utter despair when they don't. But you keep telling yourself that it's cool, you don't even know them that well, and they probably don't even want to know you (otherwise they would be making an effort by now, right?).

They text you something vague and impersonal every once in a while, and this is enough to send your heart soaring into the sky. You respond straight away, and they don't. And as this continues, your self-esteem begins to drop, and you question everything.

Why aren't they contacting me? I expect they're just busy. Or is it me? Are three texts in a row too much? I don't wanna seem stalkerish... but I don't want to look like I don't care about them. Am I too fat? Would they prefer me if I lost weight, or had a car, or my own place? Probably. Why am I thinking about them? They'd never think about me like this.

It hurts, from the pit of your stomach to the backs of your eyes. You can't concentrate on anything. You forego activities with friends and family, to keep yourself available for this person just in case they want to meet up with you. You feel sick every day, your appetite drops, your enthusiasm for everything decreases, and you are left with the most bitter, raging emptiness you've ever felt in your whole life. And it's all your fault.

Despite the pain it causes you, you carry on quietly pursuing this person. You silently scream to yourself 'THEY'RE OUT OF MY LEAGUE! THEY WILL NEVER EVER WANT TO BE WITH ME! DON'T THINK ABOUT THEM!' but it's so overwhelming to hear yourself saying it that you try and ignore the voice of reason inside your head. Because right now, your heart is taking control, and there's nothing you can do about it.

You wish they were a part of you, that they could give you a chance, to let you be the best partner that you could possibly be. You wish you could hold them, and talk to them, and kiss them, and sleep beside them, and protect them... but you can't.

The reason you put yourself through all this pain, is a simple fact that you love this person so, so much. And even though the rational side of you is telling you to give up, a small, pathetic part of you says 'They might care about you one day...'

It hurts. Hurts real bad.

True Love doesn’t hurt. Expectations, possessiveness, insecurity, jealousy, and emotions do.

Memories don't hurt. Love doesn't hurt. It is the attachment that hurts. It is the expectation that hurts. It is the imagined future that is now broken that hurts.

Unrequited love hurts the most. You will love someone no matter what they have done to you and that someone may not love you back no matter what you do. That hurts. Those expectations hurt.

To love is always selfless and that feeling is always unconditional. Love is always unconditional. It may sting seeing him with someone else, but you will be happy for him for their happiness is more important to you when you truly love them.

When we lose someone that we love so truly and they walk out of your life for some reason, it hurts. This doesn't mean memories will haunt us. It is the collapsed future that hurts us. Living in the past with the ones we love brings us tears, not because that is lost, but because there was something that could have been forever, but it isn't now. That hurts. That stings and we tend to associate it with good memories. Sometimes we love people more than the memories they gave us. We fall for the person, not just for the memories. We love, we live life to create beautiful memories for us and the loved ones around us.

Expectations hurt in proportion to the emotional investment. Whenever we are too much attached to someone or something, we grow attachment and that attachment leads to expectations. These expectations when fulfilled are an awesome experience. But when we are too much emotionally invested and when those dreams aren't coming true, it stings and hurts and kills from within.

Getting over it is by forgiving and moving on with life accepting that you will never get over that true love. Forgiveness is your trait. It solely depends on you and not on the other person. You want to forgive them because you want peace of mind and don't want to hold grudges against anyone in your life.

Feelings and emotions are real. If you truly love a person, you will love them forever, even though they can't see you that way. That's why love is always unconditional. You love that person because you want to, not because you have that hope that someday he will love you back. If you just hope for being loved back, that's not love, to begin with, it is just some business deal. You love him because your feelings for him are real, deep, and true.

You met Max a long time ago. You were both in Formula 3 in 2014 and got along really well. You started to see each other outside of racing and after a while, you could call yourself friends. But you had feelings for him. Even before you get to know each other properly. You tried so hard to show him that you were interested in him, but nothing. Either he was oblivious or he was not interested in you. Either way, you were hurt, and that was seen in the way you competed. You lost your ambition, there were some days when you cried before the race because you didn't feel able to compete, and Max had no idea you were feeling that way because you wouldn't let him see you when you were at your lowest point.

You gave up racing and Max ended up competing in Formula 1. You weren't jealous of him, you knew you never had a chance to get there, but he deserved it, and all the hard work he put in helped him. You were with him, you encouraged him every time, on the phone, if you could not travel, or in person when he asked you to be with him.

'I need my best friend, Y/N, please. Can you come to the race on the weekend?'

And no matter how much it hurt you to hear that he considered you just his best friend, you wouldn't let your tears fall on your cheeks and tell him you'd be there for the weekend. Every time. It doesn't matter that you had something else planned, you never refused him.

"Oh my God, thank you so much for coming!" you heard Max. You look up and see your best friend coming towards you, ready to hug you. You instantly smiled. No matter how you would feel when you see him you can't help but smile.

"Of course I came. I wouldn't be anywhere else," you say and you are taken by surprise by the sincerity with which you uttered those words.

He takes you to meet some people and you were happy because he seemed well, he seemed delighted with his place there.

"Do you miss it?" you heard Daniel asking you, but you had no idea what he was talking about. "The racing," he continued as if he had read your thoughts and knew you had no idea what he was talking about.

"Oh," you shrug nonchalantly. "I mean, yeah, sometimes, but it's fine."

"Is it?"

"What do you mean?"

"Clearly your mind is somewhere else. I thought it was because you were here and that brought back some racing memories, but it's different, isn't it?"

"Okay, Daniel, I appreciate the free therapy session, but I'm fine, seriously. I'm just happy to be here to encourage Max."

"Talking about me? Man, I'm feeling like a superstar," your best friend says coming between you. "I don't know about you guys but I want to get drunk."

"Are you even allowed to get drunk? It's Wednesday, don't you have press conferences tomorrow?"

"I'm in!" Daniel says and you roll your eyes. Of course he is.

Getting drunk with two boys you swear have ADHD was not a good idea.

Technically speaking, you weren't drunk, you drank a bottle of beer all night so you could take care of the two boys. Drunk Daniel was ok. He was not very agitated, he was even calmer than usual. He was sitting on the couch, laughing louder than usual, but it wasn't a cause of concern for you. Max on the other hand was a different story. Being drunk, he seemed very attracted to the balcony and that stressed you a lot. You tried to explain to him that it is dangerous on the balcony and that it is much more fun inside. You hardly convinced him.

"You're not funny at all, Y/N!"

"I'd rather know you're alive, Max."

Daniel went to bed at about 11:30 PM, but Max showed no signs of being tired. No matter how much you told him about tomorrow's busy schedule, he didn't seem to care.

You were lying on the couch, staring at the TV, and Max was on the floor, quietly for once. You wanted to ask him if he was feeling well, but he spoke before you could say something.

"Do you believe in love?"

Those five words knocked the air out of your lungs. Love? What made him ask you about love?

"Yes, I do," you answer and hope that he'll be satisfied with what you said.

"What is love anyway?"

"That depends, Max. Love is different for everybody."

"Well," he said and turns to look at you. "What is love for you?"

You sighed. What was love for you? Max. But you can't say that.

"Love is a broad term, Max. It can have different meanings for different people and can vary according to the context. At times love is synonymous with respect. At others, it is all about caring and sharing. At still others, it is a trail of concern, affection, and connection."

You didn't know you started to cry until Max kindly wiped off the tears on your face. Who would have thought that talking about love in front of the person you loved the most in this world would have made you cry? You whisper a 'thank you' to Max and get up to take a napkin from the kitchen.

"We're best friends, right?" you hear him coming towards you and he sits down on the kitchen chair.

"Sure," you answer, wiping away your tears.

"What you described. About love... I think I feel that for someone."

You heard something break and you were sure it was your heart. What you felt in that moment was what? Jealousy? This is human behavior. We, people, have the tendency to imagine ourselves with the person on whom we develop our crush. And this is totally normal, everyone does that.

Initially, it's all roses and unicorns. We start to imagine how our life would be with the other person, how we would treat them, what gifts we would give them, how we will take their pain away and how we will happily live after.

But life doesn’t work how we want it to work, does it? Then comes the second phase where we start to realize the differences between you and your crush, but still we hold on to it because in our minds that person is just too perfect to be wrong.

And then comes the thirds phase where we see our crush getting into a relationship with someone else. We even think that our crush doesn’t deserve that person, my crush deserves me! I’m better than that person. But that’s how it works, things fall apart. They break. That’s life. And at that moment, it broke your heart and you knew you want to know nothing about that other person. But you were hurt. He was drunk, yes, but you still had a crush on him, even if your feelings for him couldn't be reciprocal.

"That's... That's great, Max," you bit your lip to stop your tears from falling. "Let's go to bed."

"I think I always loved this girl but I never told her. Maybe I should," he giggles and you feel your blood boiling in your veins.

“You wouldn’t know love if it crushed your fucking chest,” you yell at him and you were sure Daniel was now wide awake. Max was watching you with wide eyes. "Stop talking about things you have no idea about," you shoot a glance at the clock. 12:25 AM. Looks like a lovely time to go for a walk in a foreign country you've never been to before. You collect your phone and wallet and march to the door.

"Where are you going?"

"I need fresh air. Go to bed."

"I'm coming with you, Y/N!"

You opened the door and left, not letting Max come after you. You started to run and in front of the hotel, you stopped. Where to now? You have no idea where you are or what is near the hotel, and you desperately needed to put some distance between you and Max.

"What the fuck is wrong with you? Running like that? Are you crazy?" you hear a pissed Max behind you. You tried to wipe the tears in a desperate attempt to look like you haven't been bawling your eyes out. "What happened inside?"

"Nothing, Max."

"Let's talk about it. Please."

"Talk about it? Fine. Let's do it! What should I start with? The fact that I've had a crush on you for three years or should I give you some love advice for the girl you like?"

"Say that one more time," Max said, walking towards you.

"Say what one more time?"

"You liked me for the past three years?" he was now in front of you, feeling his hot breaths on your face, and you could smell the alcohol.

"That is not relevant."

"Why not? I should know if someone has feelings for me, no? At least that's what I deserve, I think."

"Stop being so fucking cocky, Verstappen. This is not a joke," you puffed. "Forget I said a damn thing," you started to walk back into the hotel.

"Well, if I have to forget what you said that means I'm not allowed to tell you that I've liked you too for the past three years, right?"

You stoped. He said what? You were dreaming. Maybe you were the one that drank a lot. You were drunk, that's the reason why you just heard Max confessing his feelings for you. Or maybe you were both drunk.

"Max, let's go to bed. You've had a lot to drink, maybe we'll talk in the morning if you remember anything."

He came to you and hugged you from behind.

"I know what I said. Sure, I've had a few beers to drink, but I know that what I'm telling you now it's the truth."