#if you know what any of the stuff i used means. thank you
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grayve-mistake · 1 day ago
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It's good to know how to protect yourself, but I agree that a lot of people take it way too far. I think the best general rule is; Like the first person said, highly populated areas during the day are generally safest for the first few dates. Cafe, movie, restaurant, picnic at the park, whatever suits you. As long as there's cameras and people and it's not the middle of the night. Shoot someone a text about where you are if it makes you more comfortable but it's generally not necessary to be too stressed about it. NEVER go to a bar or a club with a guy/date without telling anyone. Yes, even if you're gay, mlm and wlw dates aren't always safe either. Tell people where you are and when you plan on coming home, don't take your eyes off your drink. Common sense. Never go to a house or secluded location unless you know the person REALLY really well. Shoot someone a text letting them know where you are beforehand. If you get a bad gut feeling to the point where you feel the need to use a million extra security measures, just listen to your feelings, make an excuse, say "sorry i have to go, thanks for your time", and politely leave. Don't try to push through it or make it work if you're getting a bad vibe. Just end the date early, don't bother with a million extra paranoid measures. You're better off just going home if you feel unsafe. If you think someone's following you home, drive around a block a few times to confirm they're actually following you, then drive towards a police station. Usually they'll back off.
You don't need a million self defense devices and gadgets. Learn some basic maneuvers, keep one or two REASONABLE self defense tools at most if necessary. You only really need any of this stuff if you're walking home alone at night a lot. You don't need a million alarms and locks in your house either, they're probably more dangerous than whatever threat you're trying to protect yourself from. Simple latches on your doors and windows will usually do just fine, especially if you're not in a high-crime area (most of the women posting their elaborate security systems online, nay, the only people that can AFFORD elaborate security are white people in a nice little middle class neighborhood with white picket fences. They have nothing to be scared of). You don't need 50 guns, you don't need a husband with you 24/7, most of you don't need 10 alarms or 100 different locks on your door and barricaded windows that'll be real inconvenient when you're in a housefire or a more realistic emergency. Let loose a little. enjoy your life. Go on a cute date without checking your phone 80 times. Live in the moment for a change. It's ok. A while ago I had to walk a mile in the dark after a long shift at work. I share transportation with someone and I live too far away to just walk home, but they had the car, and we worked in the same town so I thought I'd just walk over and ask for the keys instead of waiting around for the next few hours for them to get off their late night shift. The sun went down before I left, it was quiet, dark, and there were lots of run down houses. I passed by a few strangers on the way there. You wanna know what happened? Nothing. Well, my legs were tired and I got a few stickers stuck to my shoes. But other than that, nothing. Did I have the means to defend myself if I had to? Yeah. I keep a couple practical things on me just-in-case. But I've never needed them, and hopefully I never will.
You know the most dangerous thing I encountered on that walk? The lack of fucking sidewalks and crosswalks. Had to strategically dart across some very busy roads and watched a guy slam on his brakes past the white line because he was going to run a red light until he saw me step forward a bit. The danger was not the random guy or two I saw walking around, probably in a similar situation as me, and minding their business. If you want to make your city safer, advocate for better walkability or public transit, lmao.

i'm sorry the self-victimization of some women i see online is crazyyyyy, they're saying shit like "yeah being a woman is so crazy, if you go on a date you have to text his full name and picture to your friend, and also where you're meeting, and share your location throughout the date, and check in hourly" girl the only safety measure you need is meeting in a populated place. that man is NOT going to kidnap you from Popular Cafe on Well-Frequented Street in broad daylight at 2pm. i promise. do you go forest hiking as a first date or what the fuck.
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katiascraft · 11 hours ago
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“26” | CL16 ᡣ𐭩.ᐟ
Parings: charles leclerc x ex!singer!reader
Summary: the world didn’t know you and Charles broke up a few months ago. it was until you haven’t been to any gp people started speculating. he finds some one new. Makes his dream com true. And you write an album about him reveling how you broke up and why.
“If it doesn’t go away by the time I’m 30 then I made a mistake and I’ll tell you I’m sorry”
Now playing: “21” by Gracie Abrams.
warnings: smau and that’s it tbh :)
author’s note: idk if this makes sense but I hope it does lol. Don’t forget to like, comment or reblog! And follow me so we can be friends :3 (and drink mate together!)
MASTERLIST
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── .✦
yourusername made a post
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liked by yourbff, taylorswift, shawnmendes, and 1,345,789 others
yourusername: guess it’s just me, myself and music 🐰 (new tunes coming soon)
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user89: queeennnn can’t wait!!!
charlesmylove: why isn’t charles liking y/n stuff anymore 😭
↳ user976: RIGHT that’s what I’ve noticed
↳ user435: girl don’t start being delusional prob Charles doesn’t use social media
↳ user21: I have the feeling they broke up
sabrinacarpenter: they are not ready for what’s coming 🤓
↳ yourusername: 🤫
shawnmendes: gonna be album of the year
lilyhme: prettiest girl in town now can be mine 💍
↳ yourusername: yours forever my love 💍
↳ charlesstan: WHAT DO YOU MEAN NOW WHAT
↳ user0923: guess she knows things we don’t
↳ y/nxtaylor: spill the tea sis 😭
↳ alexalbon: why you always wanna date your friends???
↳ lilymhe: they’re pretty
↳ alexalbon: and I’m not??? I AM YOUR BOYFRIEND
↳ georgerussel: love watching drama 🍿
↳ y/nstan: WHAT DO YOU KNOW?!
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#charles and #y/n are trending on twitter
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f1gossipofficial made a post
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liked by user57, user1, y/nstan, charlesiloveu and others.
f1gossipofficial: rumors has it that our fave couple on the grid isn’t couple anymore! 💔 Ferrari driver Charles Leclerc was seen out and about with a mistery girl. The source confirmed it wasn’t y/n. Y/n was seen arriving to New York last Monday. The fan that met her told us she said in a conversation she’s been living there since last year! Guess they broken up late last year and kept it a secret! What do we thing about all of this????
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user34: WHAT THIS IS THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE THEY LOOKED LIKE END GAME 😭😭😭
charlesstan: I’m dead
user975: tbh I didn’t like her for him
y/nstan: I liked Charles sm this is so sad
user0863: now I need y/n new music I NEED TO KNOW
user87: new music coming >>>> new break up song about Charles 😭
usrr12: who is that mistery girl? We need a further investigation
↳ f1gossipofficial: on it baby 🕵️
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yourusername uploaded a story
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charlesleclerc uploaded a story
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charlesleclerc made a post
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liked by user572, yourusername, carlossainz55 and others.
charlesleclerc: WE FINALLY MADE IT! I won my home gp for the first time, wow! Thank you everyone, ferrari, the fans. Everyone. This was my dream and I can’t believe this is actually reality. So thrilled! This is for you dad, wish you were here to see it. Let’s celebrate and then focus on the next race! 💪🏻
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user86: he is so proud of you I promise 😭😭😭
charstan: congrats prince!! ✨
y/nstan: why is my woman on the likes ????
↳ user32: THATS WHAT I THOUGHT FIRST INTERACTION IN QLMOST A YEAR
carlossainz55: congrats hermano !!!!
landonorris: what a race mate!
lewishamilton: finally!! 👑
user678: so happy for you charlieeeee
arthurleclerc: ❤️❤️❤️
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you text your producer and best friend
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yourusername made a post
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liked by user679, yourbff, sabrinacarpenter, charlesleclerc and 1,432,568 others
yourusername: here to finally tell you that my first single “26” for my next album is out!!! Made this album from the deep end of my heart. Hope you like it as much as I love it (and help me get through). link in bio 🧸
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yourbff: the most beautiful and saddest song I’ve ever heard 😭
lilymhe: GIRL I’m sobbing wtf
user256: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
User998: she really said let’s spill the tea
↳ user895: but i never thought it would be LIKE THIS 😭
landonorris: congrats @/yourusername !! On repeat for the rest of the month at least
↳ georgerussel: babygirl
georgerussel: thanks for the tea y/n! Beautiful song from a beautiful soul ❤️ we miss you
↳ yourusername: I miss you too 💔
↳ carlossainz55: wish you could come back some time again :(
shawnmendes: I cried I sobbed I screamed I died
sabrinacarpenter: the best artist of all time iloveu bestie ❤️‍🩹
User673: CHARLES LIKED 😭😭😭😭
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── .✦ FIN
Hope you liked it guys 💌 if you have any ideas my inbox is open so send your requests!
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gpcwsl · 2 days ago
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Katie McCabe x Reader:
Cuddly Sleepers.
Warnings: suggestive, not read through. any I missed let me know.
( Alessia and Kyra are for the story, I am not shipping them in real life. They are good friends, this is a fan fiction! )
My MasterList
This is based of an episode of F•R•I•E•N•D•S - (S3, E3).
Katie and Y/n walked up the driveway after parking the car. They went on a small date together as they had no training plans whatsoever today. Y/n unlocks the door, walking inside not finding her roommate, Leah anywhere.
Leah was the person who Y/n befriend when she moved to arsenal in 2022. Becoming really good friends, Leah lived in with Y/n and now been living together for two, almost three years.
“Lee?” Y/n shouts, looking around the living room and kitchen. Getting nothing back she tried again, nothing.
Katie smiles after hearing no answer back. Gasping “wait a minute, look.” Katie pulls Y/n into the living room, standing near the coffee table which was slightly infront of the couch.
“What?” Y/n replied with looking around for something. “Look, look, look.” “What, what, what?”
“It’s an empty house.” Katie says, smiling at Y/n, her hand reaching up to brush some hair out of her face. “We are all alone in an empty house.”
“Oh, come on, Honey. I have to meet my sister in ten minutes and I-“ Katie interrupts her comment by moving her head down to kiss her neck. “Ohhh… alright. It’s not like my sister cares she’s always minutes late.”
Katie immediately spun the two around, still kissing her neck as they both fall onto the sofa, Y/n falling into of Katie, laughing together before connecting their lips together. Y/n softly humming into the kiss, cupping Katie’s cheeks, while Katie’s hands fall onto her girlfriend’s waist.
Before anything gets further the two hear a door slam. Sitting up, pretending to be finding something underneath the sofa cushions. “There it is!” “Oh, right there.”
Then they both look up to see Alessia standing there. Looking irritated. She looks at the two. “Do I look fat?”
Katie and Y/n both shake their heads looking at each other confused before back to Alessia. “No.”
“Okay, I accept that!” Alessia says, pointing to myself before continuing. “When Kyra asked me and I said no, she took that to mean, that I was calling her a cow!”
Y/n borrow her eyebrows before shaking her head. “Walk us through it, Honey. Walk up through it.”
Alessia nods, clearing her throat. “Okay, well Kyra said umm ‘hi, do I look fat today?’ and I- I looked at her and-“
“Woah, woah, woah.” Katie says, stopping her, her hand out looking at Y/n who laughs. “You- you looked at her?”
Katie and Y/n share a look while laughing. “You never look” “mhmmm.”
“You just answer, it’s like a reflex.” Katie says, pointing at her. “Okay? ‘Do I look fat-?’ no!” Alessia looks at her, taking in this information even though she’s a little confused. “‘Is she prettier than I am-?’ no!” “‘Does size matter-?’” “No!” Y/n hops in.
“And it works both ways.” Katie says, pointing between the two of them.
Alessia grabs a chair that was sitting still in her kitchen which was only a few meters away, pulling it along near the two sitting down on it. “Okay, so you both just, know this stuff?”
Y/n scoff-laughs as she looks at Katie. “You know, after about 30 or 40 fights, you kinda catch on.” Katie nodding.
Katie sits up more. “Okay, for instance. Let’s say, Kyra is coming home from a trip. And she gives you two options. Option number one, she takes a taxi home from the airport. Option two, you meet her at baggage claim. What do you do?”
“Easy, baggage claim-“
“Bzzz, wrong. Now you’re single.” Katie says, Alessia looks at Katie in disbelief. Y/n laughing looking at her.
“It’s actually, secret option number three. You meet her at the gate. That way she knows you love her.” Katie says, looking at her girlfriend smiling at her which she smiles back.
Alessia’s smiles nodding her head, thankful for the two. “Okay, this is good. This is good.” She says nodding before moving closer. “Alright listen, I have one.” Y/n nods her head, listening to her friend.
“Kyra, likes to cuddle, at night. Which you know I’m all for.” Alessia says, looking at the two who nods their head, humming. “But, when you want to go to sleep, you want some space. So, how do I tell her that without, you know accidentally calling her fat.”
Y/n and Katie laughs before turning to each other. Bringing eachother into a small kiss. “Oh, Honey I’m sorry. We can’t help you with that one. Cause we’re cuddly sleepers.” Y/n says, grabbing her girlfriend’s jaw, kissing her. Katie hums slightly. Alessia scrunches yo her face in disgust.
Pulling out of the kiss. Y/n checks her watch. “Okay, my sister texted me I really need to get going.” “Okay.”
“Am I gonna see you later?” Y/n asks Katie. “Yeah, yeah, I’ll see you later!”
“Okay, good luck Alessia.” Y/n says, grabbing her purse from the side. “Thank you, Y/n.”
“Bye, love you!” Katie says, waiting until Y/n leaves and the door is shut.
Turning around to Alessia. “Okay, the sleeping thing. Very tricky business, but they are a way to do it.”
“Oh, I thought you guys were cuddly sleepers.” Alessia teases.
“No! No! Not cuddly, not me just her. I’m like you- I need the room.” Katie clears her throat before going in front of the couch again. “Okay, come here.” Alessia follows sitting on the couch. Next to Katie.
“Okay, you’re in bed.” Katie’s hands goes on Alessia thigh which makes the two pull away. “I will use a cushion instead.” “Good idea.”
Katie grabs the cushion from behind Alessia. “Okay, your in bed. She’s over on your side, cuddling.” She cuddles the pillow as she demonstrates. “Now, you wait for her drift off, and then you hug her.” Katie pulls the cushion into her as she’s hugging her girlfriend. “And roll her, over to her side of the bed.”
Alessia nods slightly. “And then you… roll away.” Alessia smiles while nodding brightly.
“Okay, the old hug and roll.” Alessia says, smiling as she fist bumps Katie. “Yep.” Katie replied.
“Okay, one question.” Alessia asks.
“Shoot-“
“You’re pretending the pillow is your girlfriend, right?”
The next day, Y/n is at Local coffee shop. Before seeing Kyra walk in. Gasping, “oh my god, what happened.” Y/n exclaimed, pointing at the cast on Kyra’s arm.
“Oh, clumsy Alessia. She’s spun me off the bed.” Kyra says, rolling her eyes.
“Oh… spinning. That sounds like fun.” Y/n says, nodding her head but a frown on her face as disgusted chills grows on her arms.
Kyra laughs, shaking her head. “No, no not that like. She was trying Katie’s hug and roll thing.” Kyra says, readjusting her cast.
Y/n turns around, looking at her confused.
“Katie’s what?”
“You know when she hugs you and then rolls you away so she can have some space and-“ Kyra stops midway seeing the look of disbelief and confusion in Y/n’s face. “Oh, my, god. You didn’t know?”
“No, of course I did. This is a face when someone is in the known!”
“Katie, I’m here!” Y/n yells, slamming the door shut. Before hearing the TV turn off or on mute. Then hearing quick footsteps.
“You’re mad. You never call me Katie, unless you’re mad.” Katie says, keeping distance.
“So, have you heard of this thing someone taught me today. I think it’s called and ‘hug and roll’” Y/n says, walking past her to the kitchen. Katie winces before mumbling “dammit Alessia.” “Its was Kyra who told. She got a sprain arm, Alessia tried it on her and spun her off the bed.”
“Are you mad?” Katie says, walking after her. “No, I’m not mad. Just sad, why didn’t you tell me? I would’ve been fine with it.”
Katie hesitates before committing. “Baby, no offence but you would probably break up with me if I told you that I needed some space while sleeping.” Y/n gasps. “Wha- no I wouldn’t!”
“Yes, you would. Last time when I didn’t give you a kiss while you were sick, you ignored me for a day.” Katie complained.
“Fine, okay. Fine, but still didn’t like that you kept it from me.” Y/n says, pouting at her girlfriend. Her arms crossed.
“I’m sorry, baby. Won’t happens again, I promise.” Katie says, speed-walking over to Y/n. Her hands on her waist, kissing her softly. “How about we finish what we started yesterday? Before we got interrupted by Alessia.”
“Take me upstairs, baby.” Y/n say, wrapping her arms around Katie’s neck. Katie smirks before picking Y/n up bride style before sprinting upstairs.
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allpiesforourown · 9 hours ago
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Can I ask from this ask game for BingYuan (all of the questions)? Thanks 🧁
https://www.tumblr.com/comingfromastatechampionasshole/119898100247?source=share
Send me a ship and a number and I'll tell you
1. Which one is the better cook
Binghe 100%. Shen Yuan was a spoiled rich kid and after Binghe fell into the abyss he just stopped eating... there's no way he knows how to toast bread
2. What their love letters look like
Love letters imply they're ever far enough to need to send each other letters... at most they'll be long texts Binghe sends rambling about how much he wuvs his hubby and would rather be at home than his stupid job as King 🙄 and Shen Yuan blushes and replies "Focus on work Binghe..." Then he waits for Binghe to get home and whine that sy was so cold to him so he can apologize with smooches
3. Which one outlives the other, and how they cope
I mean . We know how this goes. Corpse cuddles and trying to raise the dead
4.What they do on date night
Since Binghe is a hopeless romantic who never thought anyone would love him, I think he'd want to do stereotypically romantic and basic dates. They go to an ice rink and hold hands while they skate and he's vibrating with joy because he's living out his hallmark fantasies. Shen Yuan indulges him sooo much.. too much. He got a cold but it was worth it seeing Binghe's happy face
5. How many kids they'll have
I'm gonna say... two. One is through breeding kink gone too far, second is them seeing an orphan boy who reminds them so much of Binghe as a child and deciding they have to adopt him immediately
6. How they decorated their bedroom
Elegant and slightly minimalist. Shen Yuan has all his merch hidden away in his childhood bedroom at his parents house because he's thin faced... they stay over one night and Shen Yuan completely forgets his old room is a haven of his weeb shit and is mortified when Binghe sees his limited edition poster of a hunky male character naked holding a sword.
7 Which one is the worse driver
Shen Yuan by far... same reason as his cooking, he probably had a driver take him everywhere until Binghe showed up
8. What they argue about
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9. Which one swears more
Shen Yuan by a landslide. Binghe is a very intelligent and well read man and while the same holds true for Shen Yuan, if he goes 2 minutes without calling Airplane a dumfuck authour it's worrying
10. What TV shows they watch together, and which ones they hide from the other
Theyll watch anything together, even stuff they dont like so Binghe can listen to him rant about how much it sucks. Shen Yuan hides PIDW and all his other porn-for-plot interests but Binghe knows about them.
11. What their first impression was of each other
Shen Yuan impression of Binghe: beautiful and strong man
Binghe’s first impression of Shen Yuan: beautiful and kind man
(This never changes)
12. What they do for their anniversary
Regrets of Chunshan role-playing baby!!
13. Which makes a bigger deal of birthdays
Hmm. I'm gonna have to say both. Binghe cooks a feast and Shen Yuan dotes on him and fulfills any wish Binghe has.
14. What nicknames they call each other
Binghe: yuan-gege or laoshi
Shen Yuan: Bingmei (in his head only, he's too embarrassed to say it)
15. What they would change about each
If you ask them, Shen Yuan would say Binghe should have a smaller pillar... this is a lie. He can't go back to normal after getting used to Binghe stretching him so wide
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karikitdemonrp · 13 hours ago
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Kari sighed softly. "Thank you." She began to calm down and continued to eat. "I know... But it's best to eat the perishable stuff first ya know? Less food waste and better chance for us at getting through this." She informed. "If we can keep more food from going bad then we'll be better off. Hopefully we can figure something out for long term, maybe we can find a generator that is solar powered or something that doesn't require us to go out searching for fuel." She muttered, trying to think of something.
"But right now you're short term solution is gonna buy us valuable time to think of something better, thank you. When we can leave safely we should prioritize looking for useful items like things to help keep our home fortified and medical supplies. Weapons and stuff to use in traps are also helpful. Obviously food, preferably non-perishable foods but anything is good. Salts and such so we can cure any meat so it can last longer without having to use the fridge. Water to stay hydrated and so on." Kari looked at Adam and gave a shy smile. "I've had to live like this before so I'm kinda knowledgeable on what to prioritize... I mean, not in an apocalyptic scenario but, you know..." She shrugged and gave a heavy sigh, moving to get up and take her dirty dishes to put them in the sink.
"Alright, I'm gonna make sure that all the boards are still good around the windows, you check and see if there are any openings that need to be dealt with." She chirped then walked off, doing her best to keep calm, but the chaotic noises from outside were getting to her. Not being able to do anything hurt a lot, but she had to play the long game. Adam had a point, Kari can't help anyone if she's dead. It hurt but she didn't leave, she stayed and checked their defenses.
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Adam let out a low sigh, running a hand along his mask. "Alright, kid, relax. I’ll keep it going for now with some magic," he said, waving a hand dismissively. "I can rig something up to keep the fridge running until morning. Should buy us some time to figure out a longer-term solution."
He leaned back, his tone shifting to something a little lighter, though still practical. "But honestly? Canned food's the MVP here anyway. Doesn’t need a fridge, lasts forever, and doesn’t complain about temperature changes. So don’t lose too much sleep over the perishables. We’ll make it work."
Adam nodded toward her plate. "Now, finish eating. No point saving the food in the fridge if you give yourself the shits and keel over from stressing too much."
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buginacup · 8 hours ago
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What was the hardest Beastie for you to design in general! There's so many fantastic designs I'm curious which one had you stumped if any at all. Also how on earth did you come up with so many funny little expressions! I feel like I see a new one everytime I play, they're fantastic! Thank you for your wonderful touch to this game, such lovely little guys!
What was the hardest Beastie for you to design in general?
One in particular comes to mind but it's still sort of a secret. I'll try to return to this when more people know about it so I can talk about it in particular!
There were plenty of other snags, though. In particular Crabaret was so so hard to pose. They don't have finished sprites yet, but Crabaret is unique in that their final sprites will not flip (always crab walking), instead they have two sets of poses for w/e direction they're facing.
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Have you ever tried to imagine a crab pivoting on a "waist"? A crab doesn't have a waist! And I gave its torso such a naturalistic shape from every angle other than front why on god's GREEN EARTH DID I DO THIS TO MYSELF!
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Around the time I was doing poses for this beastie I started experiencing some (still quite present!) nerve pain/numbness in my hands. For other designs (like Yueffowl) I've done vector art with my mouse to give my hands a break, but try as I did I couldn't do low-res art in a way that communicated the stupid ridiculously nuanced shape I gave this crab, so it was a slow process of sketching out the color-coded body part position in little bursts, using supplemental 3D modeling for stuff I had no means to draw;
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Don't get me wrong I'm quite proud of Crabaret but good lord this one was months of on and off work.
How on earth did you come up with so many funny little expressions?
I can't take all the credits on the expressions! Nearly all of them were originally drawn by Greg, but at a resolution that looked really blurry at the size the faces wound up being. I get real fussy about pixel resolution in a way that Greg doesn't, so I asked if I could redraw them at the size they're currently used. Here's a side by side of some of the old/new faces.
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As you can see a lot of their soul was already there! I mostly just pushed the shape language of them and sharpened them. Greg wanted them to still feel like his drawings and they definitely do!
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creatingblackcharacters · 2 days ago
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Hi! I love your work - it's been really helpful to me, especially your lessons on horror and depictions of violence.
You mentioned that there were some forms of violence that you'd feel uncomfortable seeing used against Black characters because of their historical context. I was wondering - were there any kinds of violence that you'd be uncomfortable seeing Black characters use against others? The reason I am asking is that the main characters of a project I am working on - two of whom are Black - are morally grey in a "cartoon villain" kind of way. They use a lot of exaggerated violence, but it's usually directed against even worse villains, and it's meant to be played for laughs. (If you know the band The Mechanisms, it's pretty similar in tone to their stuff.) One of the Black characters, E., is a high-profile art thief and assassin, while the other, B., is what would be called an "eco-terrorist" (I have problems with that term but that's beside the point) who's done stuff like blowing up oil pipelines and dams. Do you know of any similarities to real-life issues that I should be careful about when writing these characters?
Thank you so much!
Your premise sounds fine.
Personally, what's old to me is the Black Girl Bully, and that form of "social" violence, I guess. It feels like the reverse never really gets addressed; particularly the social violence of White Womanhood™. But anyway, we get it, you think the angry Black girls and women are so mean to the innocent, "just want what's better for everyone" white main character who plays as the savior. 🙄 I'm so sick of that. The writing is almost never done well enough, and even when it is, by then I still hate that they have to "soften up" from "being a threat" to work with the white character. It feels like a roundabout way of saying "be more palatable or you're a problem".
Though, tbh, if there was gonna be a Black villain, I personally would like to see it go whole hog. Like if you're gonna force me to uphold whiteness as the standard, I wanna see that villain be a VILLAIN, put them THREW IT. So I can't say that there's a level of violence I won't accept, so much as how are the characters being treated in that moment. Am I here to watch the poor nonblack characters that we coddle bc they're perfect fight against the evil, wicked dark-skinned Black lady, or am I watching the protagonists fight a good villain?
But that's fighting people's beliefs, too. Writing Superman with a Black Lex Luthor is going to generate different responses, despite the story being of the same quality with the same script.
Also, just regular stereotypes in general are to be avoided. As per usual, it's all about how you write your characters.
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fackeraccount · 2 days ago
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hi I’m not sure if I’m doing this right because I did read your request rules thingy and I hope I’m not crossing any boundaries but I was wondering if you could write for zayne a miscommunication troupe,you could have the creative freedom of choosing whatever but I’m a sucker for angst where they have to fight to get us back type of stuff lol ! if you see this I hope you’re having a good day and if you write this then thank you so much !!
Yes ofc I can! I'm not really an angst girlie but I'll try my best!!
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Pairing: Zayne x Gn reader
Tw: Miscommunication, angst, fighting, blood, wounds, concussion, hospital, will they stay together?, break up?, mentions of y/n
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There was a constant beeping noise ringing in your ears. The noise was loud but familiar and you realized it was a heart monitor meaning you were in the hospital.
You opened your eyes, squinting through the harsh light. You brought your hand up to block out the light only the feel something in your arm. Looking down, you saw a small tube which lead to an IV bag to your side.
Looking back up, you saw a nurse moving around. She was checking your vitals when she looked up, seeing you awake.
She smiled and said, "Oh, your awake. I'll go call Dr. Zayne for you,"
She left pretty quickly and you sighed. Getting injured is normal but the real problem was Zayne wasn't informed about the mission and now you come to the hospital with a large wound on your side and a concussion.
Zayne stepped through the door, and you could immediately tell there was something wrong. His eyes held no warmth in them anymore and you could tell that this was the inevitable consequences of your actions.
"Are you feeling any pain on your left side or your head?" Zayne spoke, his tone professional, as if you were a mere patient.
"No," You answered, "I can tell it's there but I can't feel it."
"Mhm, that's good. The pain killers are still in effect," He replied while changing you IV bag.
"Alright, you're all good. I'll come check on you later."
Before you could reply, he left, not speaking to you at all.
For the next few days, it continued like this. Zayne would come check on you twice a day but always acted like he didn't know you besides being a patient.
The week after, you were discharged and put on house rest by the doctors so you sat at home, doing absolutely nothing. You just said at home for that week, cleaning up everything you left while on your mission.
You thought about why Zayne would ignore you, I mean, you understood that you forgot to tell him about your mission but he wouldn't ignore you for weeks because of that.
That mission of yours really was dangerous to do on your own but you did.
It was a three day long mission to kill wanderers on the outskirts of Linkon city.
You had fought until one had snuck up on you from behind and slashed you side. You quickly finish them off before the blood loss made you sluggish. Soon after though, you fainted and hit you head on a rock, leaving you with a concussion.
You heard your phone ring from your room while you were cleaning up, bringing you out of your thoughts. You stood up and walked towards your phone and answered without looking at the call ID.
"Hello?"
"Y/n"
"Oh, Zayne! How are you?"
"I'm fine, I just need to tell you something"
"And that is?"
"Well, I think you and I should take a break"
"Wait what? Why?"
"Clearly, I'm not trustworthy enough for you to tell me about you missions but Xavier is"
"Xavier? I just needed someone to take care of my house so I just asked him before I left"
"See that's the thing. You don't tell me about a mission and I find you in the hospital. I realized that you were gone so I came to your house to check on you. Come to find out, he was holding it and knew about your mission."
"Zayne-"
"Let me finish. I know that he's your partner but what if you never came back? What if you'd d-died on that mission? Would I ever know? Think"
"Oh" He was crying, you could hear the small sniffles and the hitch in his voice.
"Yea, so I need to step down and maybe once you've fixed your issues we can try to fix this but you've broken my trust in you. If this continues like this, one day, I'll find out your... dead by someone else without even knowing you left"
As soon as he said that he ended the call. You stood there, frozen, tears streaming down your face without you realizing it.
Zayne had broken up with you and it was all your fault. Your knees buckled and you fell to the ground crying. The tears flooded down your face and you couldn't do anything to stop them.
"Stupid, stupid, stupid! It's all your fault! You have no one to blame but yourself!"
You insulted yourself all day crying, and screaming, but that wouldn't bring Zayne back.
The rest of the week, you spent crying, curled in your bed, barely standing up to eat. Soon enough, you heard a knock on your door.
Standing up sluggishly, you walked towards your door and opened it to see Zayne. He walked in and closed the door behind him.
"Oh. Why are you here?" You asked.
"I came to apologize, I blamed you without even letting you explain and I'm sorry. I jumped to conclusions," he answered.
You sighed and spoke, "No, you were right, I broke your trust, but you also broke mine. I forgot to tell you and I understand that, but you can't just jump to conclusions. So, no we won't get back together until you can trust me again, and I can trust you. Right now, we're just friends again."
He nodded, "I understand that. I just came to apologize first."
He left and you closed the door, sighing.
The next few weeks, Zayne kept doing anything to fix that broken trust. He first took you out twice a week, sent coffee to your office every morning, and even sent you flowers.
You knew he was trying and honestly, it was working. Even though you were still hurt, he was trying and that's all that mattered to you.
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Part 2?? Maybe, maybe not 😝
51 notes · View notes
saythenametotheworld · 1 day ago
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Foolish One | h.rj
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A chance encounter with Renjun at the campus library turns into late-night study sessions and stolen moments. He's everything you're looking for—thoughtful, kind, intelligent. But is this the start of something real, or just a story you’re telling yourself?
ONE | two | three | four | five
Genre: crush-at-first-sight, college AU Pairing: Huang Renjun x afab!Reader Warnings: mature themes, language, the plot is dragged out a bit lol Notes: 17k words. Part 1 of the Campus Confessions series, but it can be read as a standalone fic. Listening to Foolish One by Taylor Swift. Genuinely, let me know what you guys think of this. I am very open-minded to constructive criticism. Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know them personally and do not claim they would ever behave like they were portrayed in this story.
Playlist: 1 2 3 by NCT DREAM, Risk by Gracie Abrams, Jump Then Fall by Taylor Swift, Foolish One by Taylor Swift
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The campus library was quieter than you expected for a Tuesday afternoon during exam week, the kind of silence that made your every move feel amplified and noticeable. You were feeling self-conscious, wondering if everyone was noticing you standing awkwardly at the front desk while the librarian refused to check out the book you wanted to borrow. But the embarrassment didn’t bother you as much as the growing panic in your chest. You really needed this book right now so you could do a last minute study before your exam in thirty minutes.
Clutching a notebook against your chest, you gave the librarian a pleading look. “Please? Just this once?”
“I’m sorry, but I really can’t do that without your student ID,” the librarian said, her tone polite but firm. “You know how it works right? We need it for the record.”
You gave a tight smile, shifting your weight from one foot to the other. “Isn’t there any way to bypass that? I mean, don’t you have librarian privileges, something like that? Please, it would take at least fifteen minutes to get to my apartment for my ID, and another fifteen to come back here.”
The librarian sighed, taking her glasses off and setting it down on her desk. She gave you a stern look. “I know you’re desperate, but I can’t just bend the rules even if I want to. Especially not for a student who’s negligent enough to forget her ID at home when you should be carrying it on your person at all times.”
You were about to protest when a smooth and calm voice spoke from behind you. “Here use mine.”
You turned to see a boy holding out his ID card. Silvery blond hair brushed lightly across his eyes, and his pale skin seemed to glow faintly under the library lights. The thin-framed glasses resting on his nose didn’t hide the sharp clarity in his gaze—calm, observant, and entirely unbothered by the chaos you were exuding. His expression was calm as if lending his card to a stranger was the most natural thing in the world. Somehow, that made you even more flustered.
“Oh,” you said, blinking at him. “That’s really nice of you. Thank you.”
He shrugged, a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips. “You looked like you’re about to cry.”
Letting out a sheepish laugh, you took the card and handed it to the librarian. “I mean, I was just about to, actually,” you quipped.
It didn’t even take two minutes for the librarian to check out the book. You returned his ID, your gaze catching his name—Huang Renjun—before handing it back.
“Here. And, uh, thanks again.”
“No problem,” he said, smiling before taking his turn to check out his books. “Good luck with your exam.”
“Thanks. You too,” you replied. As he went to talk to the librarian, you stood there for a moment, hesitating, wanting to say more, or to ask him something—anything—but you had stuff to do. The exam wasn’t going to study itself.
You rushed out of the library, muttering his name under your breath and telling yourself not to forget about the cute boy with the silvery blond hair and an ID he didn’t hesitate to lend.
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It’s your second semester as a freshman, and so far, you could say you weren’t the type of student to get caught up in the grind of academics. You took up Liberal Arts out of necessity instead of passion. After highschool, you didn’t have a clear-cut direction or dream job in mind, but you knew you had to go to college so you picked something that left the options open, hoping that eventually, you’d figure it out.
When it comes to academics, you do just enough to get by. Your grades are respectable but nothing extraordinary. You’re not taking things for granted—you just didn’t see the point in staying up all night studying or stressing over perfect grades. Even with average grades, as long as you passed, that was good enough for you. While you respected those who worked hard to excel in their academics, you didn’t feel the need to compete with them. You weren’t interested in pushing yourself that far.
Your friends often teased you about it, calling you laid-back or lazy, but they understood. You didn’t need to be at the top of the class to feel content. You just gave enough to get by, balancing school and the rest of your life without too much strain. You figured most people probably felt the same way—just doing enough, hoping things would eventually fall into place.
“How are you feeling?” Karina asked Giselle, her eyes full of concern. The two of them sat beside you on the mat you’d spread out on the grass in the quad.
They were your housemates—your friends, too—living in the big apartment you all shared. You’d met them at the start of the school year, and sharing a space together had made it easy to grow close.
Giselle sighed, leaning her head against your shoulder. “Not any better. I think the medicine’s not doing anything.”
You rubbed her back gently, trying to comfort her. “Just give it some time. If it gets worse, you can rest at home. I’ll make you some healthy soup.”
Giselle raised an eyebrow, a teasing glint in her eyes. “You can’t cook.”
You laughed, shrugging casually. “How hard can it be? I’m a fast learner.”
Jaemin, who had been sitting across from you, snickered. “Shut up. You can’t even tell the difference between a cucumber and a zucchini.”
You gasped dramatically, scooting away from him, glaring. “You shut up! You used to follow me around like a puppy when we were kids. Stop acting like you’re the smart one.”
Jaemin rolled his eyes. “We were fourteen, not kids.”
You smirked. “Doesn’t change the fact that you followed me around like a lost puppy.”
Jaemin crossed his arms, sighing heavily. “I’m just making things clear because I don’t want to sit here and watch you rewrite the facts in front of your friends. And just for the record, I was lost at the time.”
Karina turned to Giselle. “How does anyone confuse zucchini with cucumber?”
Giselle just shrugged, unimpressed.
You shot them both a look. “In my defense, they look exactly the same!”
The two stared at you, shaking their heads in perfect unison. It was almost comical. “No, they don’t,” Giselle said flatly.
“They really don’t,” Karina agreed.
You were about to fire back when something—or rather, someone—caught your eye. That unmistakable side profile, the silvery hair catching the sunlight just right. “Huang Renjun,” you blurted out, your voice almost dreamy as your gaze followed him.
“Huang who?” Giselle asked, turning to follow your line of sight. Her eyes lit up. “Oh, the guy from the library?”
“Yes!” you gasped, clasping your hands over your mouth like you’d just seen a celebrity. “See? I told you he’s cute.”
“You’re right, he totally is,” Karina chimed in, sharing the same gleeful smile as you and Giselle.
“What’s going on? Who’s that?” Jaemin leaned closer, his curiosity piqued.
You grinned, leaning toward him like you were about to spill the juiciest secret. “He’s the guy who saved my ass yesterday.”
All eyes shifted back to Renjun, who stood by the library talking to a group of students. From this distance, you could see the bright smile on his face as he laughed at something his friend said. He looked so effortlessly friendly, so unbothered—and something about that gave you butterflies.
Giselle nudged your arm, eyes glinting with mischief. “Go say ‘hi’!”
“No way!” you hissed, snapping your head toward her. “He probably doesn’t even remember me.”
You stayed rooted to your spot, feeling your friends’ teasing remarks rain down on you like playful jabs. They nudged and prodded, daring you to make a move, but you could only keep your eyes on Renjun. He lingered outside the library for a few minutes before finally stepping inside, disappearing through the double doors. Before you could think too much, your body moved on autopilot.
“I'll be back,” you mumbled to your friends, brushing off their teasing ‘oooh’s as you hurried across the quad. They exchanged knowing looks, grinning like they’d already won some secret bet, but you ignored them and followed him.  
Inside the library, the cool, quiet air made you pause. You spotted Renjun by the window just as he was sitting down at a vacant desk. Summoning every ounce of courage you had, you approached him.
“Hi,” you said softly, feeling your voice wobble just enough to make you cringe.
Renjun turned, his expression neutral at first before recognition lit up his eyes. “Oh, hey,” he said with a small smile. “What’s up?”  
“I, uh…” You cleared your throat, clutching the book in your hands like it was a lifeline. “I was going to return this today, so I’m gonna have to bother you again with your ID to check it in.” You laughed nervously, hoping the self-deprecation would make up for how awkward you felt.  
Renjun’s smile widened just slightly. “Sure, don’t worry about it. It would’ve been worse if you didn’t.” he teased lightly. Before you could answer, he reached into his pocket, pulling out his own card. “Here.”
“Didn’t want a loaned book to hold your GPA back at the end of the semester, right?” you quipped, taking the card from his hand. Renjun chuckled as he nodded. “I’ll be back in a jiffy,” you added before turning to head to the front desk.
After the book was returned, you skipped over to Renjun’s desk and thanked him for his help. He seemed busy with something, so he just told you you were welcome before returning to his task. Meanwhile, you found yourself lingering. The rational part of your brain was telling you to leave and not push your luck, but the louder part was convincing you to stay.
You spotted a vacant desk next to Renjun’s, so you slid into a seat, pulling out your laptop and the notes for a class paper you were gonna start. The paper wasn’t due until next week, but you needed an excuse—a reason to stay within Renjun’s orbit. So you started typing, glancing at your screen for a few seconds before inevitably stealing a look at him. He was sitting a few tables away, scribbling in a notebook, his expression focused.  He looked extra cute by the window, a soft beam of sunlight catching his hair and his flawless skin as he worked. The way his brows furrowed in concentration, the absentminded way he twirled his pen—it was like he didn’t even realize how distractingly handsome he was. Then again, maybe it was just in your eyes because there was no denying the fact that you were immensely infatuated by him.
You were mid-sentence in your essay when you stole another glance. But he glanced up just as your gaze lingered a second too long. Your eyes darted back to your screen so fast it was a miracle you didn’t get whiplash. Too late, you’d been caught red-handed already. Still, you couldn’t help yourself from doing it again, making sure to be more subtle this time—only to fail at it.
The second time he caught you looking, he held your gaze for a second longer, one eyebrow lifting in silent amusement. By the third or fourth time, he set his pen down, leaned back slightly, and called out softly, “Am I distracting you from your work?”  
You froze, heat rushing to your cheeks. “What? No, I wasn’t—” You fumbled, searching for an excuse. “I was just… looking around. Yes. I’m looking around as I think.”
Renjun chuckled, the sound low and warm. “I see. I thought I had something on my head,” he said, gesturing over his head.  
You huffed, flustered, and busied yourself with your notes, hoping to regain your composure. To your surprise, Renjun didn’t let the moment hang awkwardly. Instead, he asked casually, “What are you working on?”  
“Oh,” you said, grateful for the topic shift. “It’s an essay for a philosophy class.”  
He tilted his head, curious. “Which one?”  
You named the subject, and his expression brightened. “I took that last semester,” he said. “Professor Lee, right?”
“Yeah, that’s her,” you confirmed.
Renjun nodded thoughtfully. ““Well, then you don’t need to worry much. She’s really chill. She’s not the kind of professor who’ll mark you down for having a different opinion, so you can pretty much write how you actually feel about the topic.”  
His words surprised you. “Really?”  
“Really,” he said with a nod. “She actually encourages it. Just make sure you explain your points well. She likes a good argument.”  
You found yourself smiling, his advice easing some of the stress you hadn’t realized you were carrying about the essay. “Thanks. That’s actually very helpful.”  
“No problem.” He picked up his pen again, flashing you one last smile before returning to his notes.  
And just like that, you had one more reason to stay a little longer. You continued writing your paper, making sure you did it well and explained your points clearly. Occasionally, you would glance up at him, grinning to yourself at how attractive he looked when he was focusing. You didn’t need to talk after that. You wanted to, but you couldn’t find the right timing nor the right topic. By the time your phone alarm went off for your next class, you were already halfway through your essay.
Standing up to gather your things, you gave Renjun another glance, debating whether to say goodbye. The idea of walking off without a word felt odd, but you worried a goodbye might seem too eager, too obvious. So you hesitated—just long enough for him to notice.
“Done already?” Renjun asked, tilting his head slightly.
““No! Not yet.” Your response came faster than you intended. “I mean, I have to go to class, so… I’ll finish later.”
He nodded, a faint smile tugging at the corners of his lips. “If you need help with that paper, let me know. Maybe I can offer some pointers.”
The offer caught you off guard, and for a second, all you could do was blink at him.
Renjun seemed to realize how it sounded, and his hand darted up to rub the back of his neck. “Wait, that came out wrong. I didn’t mean it like—uh—it wasn’t supposed to sound—” He let out a nervous chuckle. “That was kind of arrogant, wasn’t it?”
“No! Not at all!” you said quickly, shaking your head with more enthusiasm than you intended. “I mean, I would definitely let you know if I needed help.”
His laughter softened, and he ducked his head slightly, as though embarrassed. “Well, now it sounds like I think I’m a genius or something.”
“Renjun, stop. You’re fine,” you assured him, a smile creeping onto your face. And you meant it. There was something unexpectedly charming about his fumbling attempt to explain himself.
He hesitated, then asked, almost shyly, “What’s your name?”
You blinked again. “Sorry?”
“I just realized… you know my name, but I don’t know yours,” he explained, the tips of his ears noticeably pink.
“Oh!” You told him your name, watching as he repeated it under his breath���not once, but twice, as though memorizing every syllable.
When he looked up at you, his smile was soft, almost boyish. “Nice to meet you. You should get to class before you’re late.”
“Right. Yeah. Um, see you around,” you said, clutching your bag tightly and walking out before you said something embarrassingly incoherent.
As soon as you were out of sight, you let the grin you’d been holding back take over. It was silly, how a few awkward exchanges could make your heart race like this. For the first time in a long while, it felt less like fleeting, hormone-driven infatuation and more like a genuinely innocent crush.
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For the next few days, the library became your favorite spot, and it definitely wasn’t just because of your paper. Whether it was morning or late afternoon, you found yourself there, trying to catch glimpses of Renjun. Sometimes he was already settled in when you arrived, headphones on and pen tapping rhythmically against his notebook. Other times, you got there first and watched the door with anticipation.
You made it a point to sit near him whenever you could. If the spot next to him was taken, you’d find a table within view. Eventually, you started interacting a bit more, small moments that shouldn’t have felt significant but somehow they did.
Like the time you dropped your pen and Renjun leaned down to retrieve it, handing it to you with a quiet, “Here you go.” 
His fingers brushed yours briefly, and though it lasted less than a second, it was enough to make your heart skip a beat. Another time, while unpacking your bag, your water bottle rolled off the table. Renjun caught it mid-fall and handed it back with an amused smile. “Careful, your bag is out for sabotage today,” he joked.
You smiled, shaking your head. “Not when you’re here to save the day,” you retorted, feeling proud of your quick and witty response.
Then there was the time you walked past him on your way to the shelves, and he looked up, offering a small nod of acknowledgment. It wasn’t much—just a polite gesture—but it left you grinning like an idiot as you pretended to browse the books, replaying the moment in your head.
One morning, Renjun sneezed, and you instinctively murmured, “Bless you.” He glanced at you, surprised but touched. 
“Thanks,” he said softly, his smile warm enough to make you forget where you were.
Each interaction, however small, only made you more drawn to him. One day, Giselle decided to tag along, claiming she needed to ‘see this Renjun guy’ for herself. The two of you walked into the library, and sure enough, he was already there, engrossed in his notes. Giselle wasted no time making her move, striding right up to him with her trademark confidence.
“Hi! You’re Renjun, right?” she asked, her tone friendly but direct.
Renjun looked up, startled but polite. “Uh, yeah. Do I know you?”
“No, but I think we have a mutual friend. Ningning?”
Renjun’s expression softened at the mention of Ningning, a small smile tugging at his lips. “Oh, yeah, Ningning.”
“How is she? I haven’t seen her since last semester.”
You watched the exchange from a few steps away, nervous and embarrassed at the same time. Giselle was handling the conversation so effortlessly, but you couldn’t help but worry about how this would make you look.
After chatting for a minute, Giselle turned to you and grinned. “Nice to meet you, we’ll leave you to it. Or, actually,” she gestured to the empty seat across from Renjun, “do you mind if we sit here?”
Renjun shook his head. “No. Go ahead.”
Giselle gave you a pointed look as the two of you sat down, clearly proud of herself for setting this up. That day, you ended up sitting with Renjun without needing an excuse. Giselle paved the way with her easy conversation, dropping Ningning’s name enough times to turn the awkward encounter into something comfortable. She only stayed for about twenty minutes before leaving, claiming she had other things to do. 
“Good luck with your paper!” she called out, leaving you alone with Renjun. You chatted a lot more than usual then, and you were giddy and smiling the whole time.
The moment that truly melted you, though, happened on a particularly busy day. The library was unusually crowded, and you could not find a vacant seat. You were about to leave for the day when you spotted a hand waving in the air. It took you a second to realize it was Renjun, beckoning you over to the seat next to him.
The sight made your stomach flutter, sending a wholesome kind of warmth through you. You didn’t even hesitate, smiling as you walked through the maze of desks and sat down next to him. “Hi! This place is full full.”
“I know. It’s not even exam week,” he replied while you were setting your stuff down. Then he gestured to the side of the table where his books were sprawled. “Do you need more space? I can move these.”
“Oh no, it’s fine,” you said quickly, but the gesture made your chest flutter all the same.
It was almost the deadline for your paper, and while you were hoping you could use that as an excuse to sit with him that day, it seemed unnecessary now. Still, you thought it would be best to ask for his help while you were there.
“I’m taking you up on that offer today,” you began, hoping your cheerfulness would mask the nervousness you were feeling.
“Finally,” he quipped back, closing his book as he watched you open your laptop beside him. “I was starting to feel embarrassed about that offer. I was thinking you never really needed help and I was being arrogant.”
“Oh, stop it,” you huffed, toggling to the paper in your device. “Here. Would you mind taking a look at my draft? Just to see if it makes sense?”
Instead of tugging the laptop toward him, as you normally would, Renjun scooted closer, his shoulder brushing against yours as he leaned over your screen. He read it as it was, eyes scanning your words with quiet focus. Probably too focused to even notice you holding your breath beside him, heart racing in your chest at the sudden proximity.
“This is good,” he said after a moment, his voice low and thoughtful. “But here, maybe you could elaborate more on this point. And this—” he gestured to another part, “—is strong, but you could link it back to this statement more clearly.”  
You nodded, though most of his advice went over your head because your brain was too busy short-circuiting over how close he was. The scent of his cologne, the way his lips moved as he explained something you didn’t catch—all of it was impossibly distracting.
When he leaned back, you snapped out of your daze enough to say, “Thanks. That was really helpful.”  
“It’s nothing,” he said, flashing a small smile. “If you need help again, just let me know—so long as it’s something I actually know.”  
And then he added, almost offhandedly, “It’s nice studying with someone.”  
Your heart skipped a beat, and you didn’t hesitate to seize the moment. “Maybe we could be study buddies?” you offered, trying to sound as casual as you could.
Renjun looked at you for a second, then nodded. “You know what? Maybe we should be study buddies.”
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Ever since you moved away for college, you’d grown to enjoy three things: first, the independence of doing things on your own time without having to consider family members; second, experiencing a city so different from the hometown where you’d spent most of your life; and lastly, going to parties without a curfew.
These might sound shallow to some people, and honestly, you thought so too. Then again, you’d happily admit that you weren’t a profound kind of girl.  Growing up, you’d always been easy to please—and just as easy to disappoint. You wore your heart on your sleeve, never bothering to bottle up your feelings or hide your opinions. It helped that you were outgoing, the kind of person who cared more about your own well being than having beef with other people, so you never really had to fight anyone.
That being said, you liked to keep your circle small, only making friends with people you like and keeping a civil relationship with everyone else. With your small circle of friends—only Giselle, Karina, and Jaemin—it was easy to just tell them everything about you.
But tonight, even that small circle couldn’t make this party feel less exhausting.
“Girl, you did not come here just to stay invisible in a corner,” Karina sighed, towering over you on the lumpy corner couch while you sipped from a red plastic cup.
“What?” you asked, genuinely puzzled. “What else am I supposed to do?”
“I don’t know, be normal? You’re more fun than this,” she retorted, squeezing herself into the seat next to you. “Don’t make me sound like your mom, but it’s like you’re not even trying tonight. You’re usually the one dragging me into something embarrassing.”
“Yeah, but this is kinda boring, don’t you think?” you said, gesturing vaguely at the chaos around you.
Music blared from the speakers, with strobe lights dancing in the ceilings and the floors all around you. Blending with the music were the sounds of people chatting and laughing animatedly. Students were either drunk or high, dancing in circles or hanging off each other. Even the air felt too heavy, thick with the smell of sweat, booze, and something you were pretty sure wasn’t tobacco.
Karina’s eyes widened like you’d just said something ridiculous. “Boring? This?” she scoffed, throwing her hands up at the lively crowd.
You grinned at her over the rim of your cup. “Just saying.”
She rolled her eyes, but you noticed the corner of her lips twitching like she was trying not to smile. The two of you must have looked ridiculous, crammed onto the tiny couch while the rest of the party swirled around you.
“Where’s Gigi, anyway?” Karina asked, scanning the crowd.
You leaned to the side, spotting Giselle at the bar. She was laughing with a guy who was practically draped over her, his lips close to her ear as he whispered something that made her toss her hair back and giggle.
“She’s having fun,” you said, nodding toward her.
“At least one of us is,” Karina grumbled.
“Hey, I didn’t ask you to sit here and look lonely with me. I was doing a good enough job of it by myself,” you teased, nudging her shoulder.
Before she could retort, Jaemin appeared between the two of you, crouching slightly so he could speak right into your ears. “Long faces at a party? You two are ruining the vibe.”
“Go away,” Karina grumbled, shoving Jaemin’s face with her palm.
Undeterred, Jaemin grabbed her hand, intertwining their fingers with a devilish grin. “I know why you’re sulking. Forget about him; he’s not coming.”
“You little—” Karina tried to yank her hand back, but Jaemin held on, wagging his head as if scolding her.
Turning his attention to you, he asked, “And you? What’s your excuse? Hungry? Sleepy? Time of the month? Which is it?”
“What are you even talking about?” you replied, raising an eyebrow.
Jaemin narrowed his eyes like he’d caught you in a lie. “You do know that it’s weirder to see you idle at a party than when you’re throwing it back on the dance floor, right?”
You shrugged, taking another sip from your cup. “Can’t a girl take a break from all that?”
Karina, finally prying her hand free, leaned back with a smirk. “Shouldn’t you be happy about this? Less activity from her means less work for you.”
Jaemin stood upright like he’d just had a light bulb moment. It was also then that Giselle came bounding over excitedly. “Jeno. Jeno. Jeno,” she chanted, pointing toward the staircase.
Your ears perked up as you followed her gaze. There he was—Lee Jeno—locked in a steamy makeout session with a pretty girl you’d seen around before.
Karina gave you a sidelong glance, her voice cautious. “Are you seeing that right now?”
“I am,” you chuckled, rolling your eyes. “What a fuckboy.”
Giselle raised an eyebrow, nudging your arm. “Yet you still like him, don’t you?”
“Of course, I do,” you admitted with a chuckle. “Him being a fuckboy doesn’t change the fact that he’s hot.”
Karina cringed dramatically. “Your judgment is so questionable.”
Jaemin snapped his fingers in front of your face. “Hold up. What’s going on? Do you have a thing for Lee Jeno too?” When you grinned instead of answering, he groaned, shaking his head. “Just how many crushes do you have, woman?”
Honestly, only two—Jeno and Renjun. But these days, Renjun had the edge. Jeno might’ve been the one who flirted with you last semester, but lately, you couldn’t help but swoon over Renjun’s quieter, more thoughtful charm.
“I like Renjun more,” you confessed. “He’s just the complete opposite of Jeno. I kinda wish he were here. Though I know this isn’t really his scene.”
“Girl, doesn’t it bother you that you like two completely different types of guys at the same time?” Karina asked, genuinely curious.
You scoffed, throwing your hands up in mock exasperation. “Girl, does it matter?”
For a while, you stayed in the corner, sipping your drink and chatting with your friends. But as the minutes ticked by, the infectious energy of the crowd started pulling you in. Soon you were getting up from the couch and joining the thrumming crowd, Karina trailing behind you.
Giselle and Jaemin quickly found their own adventures—Giselle gravitating back toward the bar, her giggles disappearing into the noise, and Jaemin vanishing somewhere toward the dance floor. That left you and Karina sticking close, both of you weaving through the chaos as you searched for the makeshift minibar.
That’s when Donghyuck appeared.
The first thing he did when he saw you was flirt. “Hi, gorgeous. Are you going home with me after this, or should we just skip the formalities and head back to my place now?”
You gave him a deadpan look. “Pass.”
He smirked, completely unfazed. “The bathroom’s closer if my place is too far for you.”
“Isn’t your place Mark Lee’s place?” you shot back. “Hard pass.”
Donghyuck’s grin widened like he’d been waiting for you to say that. “Aw, still sore about getting rejected by Mark?”
“I wasn’t rejected,” you snapped, turning to face him fully. “It was a misunderstanding.”
“Sure it was,” he drawled, leaning in closer. “But lucky for you, Mark’s not coming home tonight. Think of it as a golden opportunity.”
“Dude, she’s just not that into you,” Karina cut in, her tone flat as she rolled her eyes.
Donghyuck turned to her with a theatrical gasp. “I don’t know about that,” he replied, looking back at you and winking playfully.
You felt a chill run down your spine—not the kind caused by fear or disgust, but the kind that made your skin tingle and sent heat between your thighs. It was infuriating how easily Lee Donghyuck could pull that off, and even more infuriating that your body had the nerve to respond.
But you’d sooner gouge your own eyes out than admit that to him. “Go away, Hyuck,” you said, shoving him lightly with your free hand.
He laughed, stepping back just enough to give you space but staying close enough to remain a nuisance. “See you later, then.”
As he walked off, Karina gave you a side-eye. “You’re not hanging out with that guy, are you?”
“No, I’m not,” you lied, taking another sip of your drink and avoiding her gaze.
“Good. That guy is nothing but trouble,” she replied, glancing back at Donghyuck who had now found another girl to bother.
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The next morning, you woke up to the sharp ring of your alarm blaring in your ears. Disoriented, you reached out blindly to silence it, only for your hand to slap the cold, hard floor. Floor? You groaned, peeling your cheek off the surface and wincing at the sticky residue clinging to your skin. Why were you on the floor?
Your head pounded mercilessly, a dull ache that only grew worse as you sat up and tried to piece together what had happened the night before. Your phone buzzed on the table, and when you reached for it, you caught a glimpse of your reflection in the black screen: mascara smudged, hair in complete disarray, and a faint red mark on your forehead where you must have hit something.
“Crap,” you muttered, staring at the time. You had twenty minutes to make it to your study session with Renjun!
Scrambling to your feet, you almost tripped over your own feet on your way to the bathroom. No matter how tight your schedule was, you must not skip taking a shower before going out today because you stink. So you stepped under the shower head, using cold water on purpose in hopes that the freezing water would jolt you into wakefulness. You scrubbed your face like it would erase the remnants of last night’s chaos.
What even was last night’s chaos?
Snippets of loud music, flashing lights, and Donghyuck’s smirk popped into your mind, but you shoved them aside. You could recall every bit of last night if you tried hard enough, but there was no time to dwell on your questionable life choices. You threw on a hoodie and jeans, grabbed your bag, and sprinted out the door, hair still damp and heart pounding.
When you reached the library, you were breathing hard, and the cold air made your headache even worse. The library was almost deserted. Pulling out your phone, you texted Renjun to let him know you’d made it, only for his reply to make you cringe.
Renjun: Love your enthusiasm, but aren’t you an hour too early? 😀
The realization came with shame: you were way too eager. There was no other way to spin it. You sat down at a random table, trying to blend into the background despite the fact that the library was far from crowded. You spent the next few minutes scrolling through your phone, distracting yourself from the embarrassment you were feeling inside.
Ten minutes later, Renjun walked in, his usual calm demeanor intact. When he spotted you, he smiled and quickened his pace. “Hi,” he greeted, setting his bag down across from you.
“Hi,” you greeted back, moving your bag out of the desk. “Aren’t we supposed to meet later?”
“Yeah, but you’re already here, so might as well,” he replied, shrugging. “This works better for me, actually, since I have errands later.”
“We could always reschedule, you know?” you suggested, though that was far from what you were feeling inside. “And did you rush here? You look out of breath.”
“Ah.” Renjun chuckled as he grabbed his water bottle and took a huge sip. “I didn’t want you to wait too long, so I rushed out,” he said after a drink.
His words caught you off guard. He looked so nonchalant about it, like it wasn’t a big deal, but the thought of him rushing because of you warmed your chest.
From that day on, Renjun always sat with you during your study sessions. It wasn’t something you planned, but it became an unspoken agreement between the two of you, a rhythm that settled into place without either of you needing to say a word.
Small gestures like him offering his pen when yours ran out of ink felt special, no matter how much you tried to convince yourself otherwise. It was just convenience, you told yourself, but the way his hand lingered a second too long or the faint smile he’d flash before going back to his notes made it impossible not to wonder.
He’d text you ahead of time if the library was packed, letting you know he’d saved you a seat or that you should just reschedule. You’d thank him, trying to sound casual, but your chest always felt lighter seeing his name light up your screen.
Over time, your study sessions became less about the textbooks and more about getting to know the little things that made Renjun… Renjun. He was a linguistics student who could explain the quirks of syntax or the history of a word with an enthusiasm that made you want to listen, even when you weren’t entirely interested. He liked sci-fi movies—ones with confusing plots and bizarre visuals—and he’d binge them whenever he wasn’t drowning in assignments.
You noticed he had a birthmark on the back of his hand—grayish with a hint of purple, like a bruise that never faded. The first time you commented on it, asking if he’d hurt himself, he chuckled and said, “It’s been there since I was a kid.”
Sometimes, when he was particularly focused, his brows would furrow and his lips would press into a pout that you found annoyingly endearing. You’d have to stop yourself from staring too long, afraid he’d catch you.
Renjun had this habit of quietly humming under his breath while writing notes. It was so soft you almost missed it, but once you noticed, you couldn’t unhear it. When you teased him about it one day, he laughed, embarrassed, but the sound of his laughter stuck with you long after the session ended.
It was in these in-between moments that you realized how much you looked forward to spending time with him—not just as a study buddy, but as someone who made the world feel a little less ordinary.
One afternoon, you caught him sketching in the margins of his notebook while you took notes. His pencil moved with a quiet confidence, tracing lines and curves that turned into an intricate little doodle.
“Is that what you do when you’re bored?” you asked, leaning over to get a better look.
Renjun quickly covered the drawing with his hand, chuckling nervously. “It’s nothing. Just a habit.”
You tilted your head, smiling. “A habit? You’re pretty good.”
He gave you a small smile but didn’t seem convinced by your words.
“I mean it,” you insisted, giving him a sincere look.
He hesitated before glancing down at his notebook. “Thanks,” he said softly, opening his notebook again. “Do you wanna see it?”
“Are you kidding me? Yes!” you giggled, leaning closer to take a look. “I love visual arts. It’s like something I wish I could do but since I don’t have the talent for it, I just settle with appreciating it.”
“Well, I don’t have the talent either. It’s just a hobby,” he replied while you were flipping through the pages of his notebook, admiring the small doodles on the margins.
“You’re too modest,” you chimed, impressed by the effortless beauty of his cute, almost cartoonish art. “I think you’re really good at this.”
Encouraged by your sincerity, he opened up a little. “I liked drawing as a kid. I used to think I’d pursue it as a career, but, you know, priorities. I have a vision of an ideal future which seemed difficult to achieve if I chose art.”
You frowned. “That’s kinda sad.”
He quickly shook his head, his tone light. “I don’t feel that way about it, though. It’s not like I’m completely banned from making art. I’m just putting it on hold for now.”
You watched him closely, noting the way his expression shifted between wistfulness and acceptance. The way he brushed it off so easily tugged at something in you. “Well,” you said after a moment, “for what it’s worth, I think you should keep doing it. Even if it’s just for yourself.”
Renjun looked at you, his lips quirking into a soft smile that lingered a little too long. “Thanks,” he said again, and this time, he sounded like he meant it.
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“I think he likes you,” Karina said, sprawled across the couch, hugging a throw pillow with a dreamy grin on her face. “You’ve been spending so much time together lately. I wouldn’t be surprised if he asks you out soon.”
“Agreed,” Giselle added, flipping through a magazine that was clearly not as interesting as this topic. “He really should do it soon.”
You plopped down on the floor with a loud sigh, dramatically draping an arm over your eyes. “You think so?”
“Don’t let it go to your head,” Jaemin muttered from his spot on the carpet, tossing popcorn into the air and catching it with his mouth. “You’ve barely seen each other outside the library. For all you know, he’s just being nice.”
“Oh, come on,” you shot back, lifting your arm to squint at him. “You don’t see the way he looks at me with this little smile, like…” You mimicked an exaggerated dreamy face.
Karina giggled. “You’re so delusional. It’s cute, though.”
Giselle joined in. “Yeah, the way you’ve been acting lately is straight out of a high school drama. You, of all people, getting excited about study sessions? Who are you?”
“Hey, I’ve always been academically inclined!” you defended, sitting up.
Jaemin snorted. “Cramming at 3 a.m. doesn’t count as ‘academically inclined.’”
You threw a popcorn kernel at him, which he dodged with an annoyingly smug grin. “For your information,” you said, pointing at him with mock indignation, “I’ve been taking notes. Like, actual, color-coded, neat notes. With highlighters.”
“Oh no,” Giselle gasped, feigning horror. “The highlighters! It’s worse than we thought!”
“It’s called being responsible,” you huffed, crossing your arms with a proud smirk.
“It’s called being whipped,” Jaemin corrected, leaning back with a smirk. “You’re not fooling anyone. You’re basically studying because you’re hoping he’ll think you’re smart and fall for you.”
“First of all,” you said, holding up a finger, “Renjun already knows I’m smart.”
Jaemin snorted.
“Second of all,” you continued, ignoring him, “this newfound work ethic has nothing to do with him.”
“Right,” Giselle drawled, shooting Jaemin a look.
“Absolutely nothing,” you repeated with a grin, tossing popcorn into your own mouth.
“Guys, give her a break,” Karina chided softly, though she was grinning playfully too. “Isn’t it good that she’s motivated?”
Giselle snickered, giving you a mischievous side eye. “Anyone would be motivated if they’re being promised some di—”
You cut her off by shoving popcorn in her mouth. “I haven’t been promised anything.”
Giselle chewed her food quickly and started poking your sides. “You’re grinning so hard your face is gonna crack.”
You laughed, playfully swatting her hand away. “I just think it’s nice, okay? To have a study buddy who, like, actually cares if I pass my exams. Unlike some people.” You gave Jaemin a pointed look.
“Hey, I care,” he replied, holding up his hands defensively. “I just don’t think you should fool yourself into thinking it’s anything more than studying.”
Karina laughed. “Don’t listen to him. I think it’s sweet. It’s cute seeing you so motivated, even if it is…” she trailed off, glancing at Giselle.
“Dick-motivated,” she finished bluntly, popping another piece of popcorn into her mouth.
“You’re so gross,” you scoffed, narrowing your eyes at her.
“Hey, I call it like I see it,” Giselle shrugged. 
“I will say this, though, if it’s making you study harder, maybe it’s not the worst thing. We’re freshmen, so you can still pave the way for yourself to graduate with flying colors,” Jaemin added, wiggling his eyebrows. “But you guys need to go out of that library first. Go to the quad for a change. Maybe get coffee together or something.”
“Jaemin,” you said, resting your chin on your hand with an exaggerated pout, “why would I need coffee when Renjun already gives me a caffeine rush by just existing?”
Giselle cackled. “Oh my god, you’re hopeless.”
“Hopelessly in love,” you declared dramatically, flopping back onto the floor with a hand over your heart.
Karina shook her head, laughing. “You’re so embarrassing.”
“You love me anyway.”
Jaemin groaned. “No, seriously. Stop living in your fantasy world and ask him to hang out. Outside. Of. The. Library.”
You peeked up at him with a mischievous grin. “But what if he’s waiting for the perfect moment to confess? What if he’s just as nervous as I am?”
“Then you’re both pathetic,” Giselle deadpanned, though her lips twitched like she was holding back a laugh.
“Don’t worry,” you said with mock seriousness. “When we finally get together, I’ll make sure to invite you to the wedding.”
Giselle and Jaemin groaned again, this time louder. “You’re insufferable when you’re like this,” Jaemin complained.
You just laughed, the giddy, teenage-like crush bubbling over until it spilled out of you in the form of exaggerated dramatics. Maybe your friends were right, and you should try to take things further, but for now, you were perfectly content basking in the joy of it all—even if your friends never let you live it down.
However, it seemed like your friends weren’t the only ones bothered about the slow development in your relationship with Renjun. The universe too, knew that it was time for you to leave the safe confines of the campus library. 
It happened on a late Sunday afternoon. You walked into a café, expecting nothing more than a quiet moment with your usual overpriced latte. But then you spotted him—Renjun. He wore a soft expression that caught the golden light streaming through the window, his face almost glowing as he leaned over a notebook. He was sitting alone with a half-empty cup of coffee by his side, his pencil moving in quick, deliberate strokes.
You knew, logically, that Renjun didn’t spend every waking moment in the library. He had a life outside of it, of course. But seeing him in a place without the endless shelves of books and the soothing silence of the library around felt a little weird, in a good way. There was something oddly intimate about it, like you’d stumbled into a part of his life you had never seen before—and in a way, it really was something you hadn’t seen before. 
You were still rooted to the spot, trying to decide whether to turn around and flee or walk over and say hi, when Renjun glanced up—and noticed you. His eyes widened slightly in surprise before his face broke into a small, easy smile. He lifted a hand in a casual wave, gesturing for you to come over.
Well, so much for running away, you thought to yourself as you waved back. You walked over, trying your best to seem like you weren’t overthinking every step. 
“Hey,” he greeted, his smile widening as he closed his notebook and pushed it aside. “Fancy seeing you here.”
“You too,” you replied, hoping your voice sounded light and not as jittery as you felt. You glanced around, pretending to take in the café like it wasn’t the hundredth time you’d been there. “I was just gonna grab some coffee but I didn’t expect to run into you here. No offense but I thought your all-time favorite place is the library.”
Renjun chuckled. “Not really. I like coming here when the library gets too quiet.”
You nodded, though his words sent your mind spiraling. He’d been here all this time, escaping the quiet of the library, while you’d been basking in it, thinking it was your shared haven.
“I see, so you come here often?” you asked, cringing internally at how cliché you sounded.
Renjun nodded. “Not as often as I’d like. I get caught up in schoolwork most of the time. But when I do, this is my go-to spot.”
“Cool,” you replied, though you felt anything but. Your mind was screaming at you to think of something interesting to say but all you could do was nod.
“Do you want to join me?” he asked, gesturing to the chair across from him.
The question caught you off guard, and for a second, you just stared at him like he’d asked you to solve an equation without a calculator—and you sucked at Math!
“Yeah, sure,” you said finally, sliding into the seat. As you settled in, the reality of the situation hit you—this was your chance! No library distractions, no pretense of study sessions. Just you and Renjun, in a cozy café, with nothing but time and the faint buzz of espresso machines between you. And suddenly, your usual crush-induced dramatics didn’t seem so silly anymore.
Renjun had this ability to make the simplest moments feel meaningful. Like when he offered to buy you coffee, even remembering your favorite drink—something you’d mentioned in passing weeks ago. You couldn’t help but wonder if he paid this much attention to everyone or if you were, somehow, different—special, in a way. Maybe you were delusional. Maybe he was just polite. But maybe, just maybe, he actually cared.
The two of you talked about random things as the café buzzed quietly around you—favorite movies, weird study habits, how caffeine was both a blessing and a curse. Renjun listened intently, and just when you thought the conversation might drift into silence, he asked, “Why did you choose your major?”
The question caught you off guard, not because it was invasive but because of how thoughtful it was. It wasn’t something you expected to be asked over coffee. You paused, giving yourself a moment to consider your answer.
“I guess I just fell into it,” you admitted, twirling your straw. “It felt like the safe choice, you know? Like something I couldn’t go wrong with. But sometimes, I wonder if I should’ve picked something else. Something I’m actually passionate about.”
Renjun tilted his head, his expression thoughtful. “What would that be? If you could choose anything?”
You hesitated, surprised by his genuine interest. “I don’t know. I’m not really passionate about something in particular.”
“Well, you are interested in something though, right?” he asked, leaning forward slightly.
You shrugged, feeling a bit self-conscious under his gaze. “I’m interested in a lot of things, just not interested enough to pursue them.”
“Any hobbies?” he asked again, looking genuinely curious. “They said what you do in your free time says a lot about what you’re passionate about. Sometimes you don’t even realize it.”
“I don’t know if the things I do in my free time are considered hobbies.”
“That’s the general description of hobbies, isn’t it?” He chuckled lightly. “Things you do in your free time?”
You smiled sheepishly. “I know. I do have hobbies and I tried looking at them to see which one would be interesting enough to pursue. Couldn’t decide on one. Everything just seems so generic.”
Renjun’s lips quirked into a small smile, and he nodded like he understood. “I think a lot of people feel that way about the things they love. But it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try.”
You weren’t sure what to say to that, so you simply smiled back, warmth blooming in your chest.
When you mentioned that you were on your way to the library to catch up on assignments, Renjun said he’d join you since he had nothing else to do. Your heart flipped at his casual offer, though your mind immediately began spiraling. Did he actually want to spend more time with you, or was it just convenient?
The evening passed in quiet companionship at the library. While you worked on your assignments, Renjun sketched in his notebook, the sound of his pencil scratching faintly against the paper. You stole glances at him, unable to help yourself. There was something peaceful about the way he was so focused, his  hair falling into his eyes as he worked. At some point, you asked to discuss your assignment with him, hoping to get his opinions on your stance.
When it was time to leave, Renjun offered to walk you home. The offer sent your mind reeling again, but before you could respond, Jaemin showed up, his usual smirk firmly in place. “You guys going somewhere?” he drawled, the mischief in his eyes impossible to miss.
You blinked, barely processing his words, because all you could feel was a faint irritation bubbling up. Of course, Jaemin had to show up now, of all times. You trudged toward him with your brows furrowed. And in a low voice, you scolded him. “What are you doing here? You’re ruining my moment!”
“Karina sent me,” he explained, also lowering his voice. He looked irritated too. “She’s going cuckoo. Said you weren’t picking up your phone and it’s past ten o’clock now.”
You stole a glance at Renjun, who was watching the interaction quietly, his expression curious but unreadable. You cleared your throat. “This is Jaemin,” you said reluctantly, gesturing toward him. “He’s a friend.”
“Best friend. We’ve known each other since we were kids,” Jaemin corrected.
You elbowed him in the rib, making him wince in pain. “Teenagers. We’ve known each other since we were teenagers. He’s my mom’s friend’s son.”
Renjun’s gaze shifted to you briefly, as if silently asking for more context. The slight crease in his brow made your stomach flutter, and you felt the need to elaborate. “My roommate Karina made him come check on me.”
Jaemin raised an eyebrow, a smirk tugging at his lips. “And you must be Huang Renjun. I’ve heard so much about you,” he said, offering his hand for a shake.
Renjun took it. “You have?” he asked, his tone polite but clearly surprised.
“Yeah. She’s been talking about—ow!” Before Jaemin could finish, you elbowed him again.
“Thanks for today,” you chimed, smiling brightly at Renjun in an attempt to steer the conversation back to normalcy. “For, you know, the coffee and the help with my assignment.”
Renjun turned to you with an easy smile. “Anytime. Hopefully, I didn’t distract you from it too much.”
“Absolutely not,” you replied, shaking your head.
“That’s good then,” he said with a small nod. “I guess I’ll leave you to it. See you next time?”
The words were casual, but they echoed beautifully in your ears. See you next time? Did he mean that? Like, does he actually want to see you again? Or was it something polite people like him would say? You started overanalyzing right then and there, picking apart his tone, his word choice, the little upward curve of his lips when he said it.
“Yeah. See you next time,” you replied, waving a hand as he gave both of you one last look before exiting the double doors.
Your eyes followed him as he walked away, his silhouette framed by the glow of the library’s lights. It was like your crush had decided to script this scene for maximum drama. You wondered if he’d think about this moment later. Would he replay it in his head the way you would? Probably not.
As soon as the door closed behind Renjun, Jaemin leaned in, pulling you out of your musings. “You’re smiling like a total lovesick fool right now,” he sniggered. “It’s almost painful to watch. Almost.”
Your smile vanished as you shot him a glare, though your cheeks burned. “You’re literally the worst.”
“Maybe. But I’m also the reason Karina’s not hunting you down with a broom, so, you’re welcome.”
You rolled your eyes and started walking toward the exit, Jaemin falling into step beside you. Still, as much as you wanted to be annoyed, your thoughts kept drifting back to Renjun’s soft smile and the way he’d said, See you next time.
Karina and Giselle were at the apartment when you got back. Before Karina could preach about your agreement to let each other know if one of you would come home late, you told them about Renjun and the teasing started immediately. 
“Did he say anything?” Giselle asked, practically bouncing with excitement.
You groaned, dropping onto the couch dramatically. “No, he didn’t say anything. But he wanted to walk me home, kind of.”
“Kind of?” Karina repeated with a laugh.
“He offered, but Jaemin showed up, so it didn’t really count,” you admitted.
“Well, at least he offered,” Giselle pointed out.
“Exactly,” Giselle said. “That’s practically a confession of love in boy language. Men are simple like that.”
“Hey!” Jaemin protested but no one paid any attention.
You rolled your eyes, but you couldn’t help the way your heart fluttered at the thought. Maybe they were exaggerating. Or maybe you were just hopelessly, blissfully delusional. Either way, you didn’t mind.
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The smell of food greeted you as soon as you stepped out of your bedroom, and your stomach rumbled in approval. Following the aroma, you found Jaemin in the kitchen, busily moving around with your hot pink apron tied over his t-shirt.
“Guys, it’s my favorite person in the whole wide world!” you announced dramatically, taking a seat and marveling at the spread of dishes already on the table.
“Stop lying and eat,” Jaemin scolded, his tone sharp but his eyes amused. He carefully set a steaming clay pot in the center of the table, the savory aroma filling the room.
“Na Jaemin, you’re cooking up a feast!” Giselle exclaimed, appearing in the doorway and eyeing the food hungrily. “What’s the occasion?”
Karina came in last, casually pulling her hair into a bun. “I asked him to cook for us because everything in the fridge was about to go bad.”
“Really?” you asked, your spoonful of fried rice hovering mid-air. “All of it?” Without waiting for an answer, you stuffed the spoon into your mouth, letting out a satisfied hum at the flavor.
“Nearly all of it,” Karina confirmed as she sat down next to Giselle. “We haven’t been cooking much lately. The groceries have been untouched for over a week now.”
“Why do we even bother to buy groceries when all we do is order takeout,” Giselle asked, shrugging.
“Hey, don’t say that. We eat home cooked meals sometimes,” you chided, pouting because you were the cook in the house. “Although, I’ll have to admit, I haven’t been cooking much lately.”
“Good thing you have me,” Jaemin said smugly, wiping his hands on the apron. “Everybody say ‘Thank you, Jaemin.’”
“Thank you, Jaemin,” all three of you obliged.
As everyone dug in, Jaemin leaned back, watching you all enjoy the food with a satisfied expression. The sound of clinking utensils and satisfied hums filled the room, and for a moment, you thought this was just another one of Jaemin’s regular ‘save the kitchen’ moments. But then Jaemin reached into his backpack, slung over the back of a chair, and pulled out a small stack of flyers. 
“Speaking of appreciating my genius,” he began, sliding one to each of you, “the fine arts department is hosting an exhibit this weekend. Photography, paintings, sketches—you name it. You guys should come.”
You glanced down at the flyer. The bold text read ‘Life Imitates Art: NCIT Student Art Exhibit’ accompanied by an artsy photo of a painted skyline.
“Oh, this looks cool!” Giselle said, holding up her flyer.
“Of course it does. My department made it,” Jaemin replied smugly. “And, I know someone who loves art and would definitely appreciate this.”
“Who could it be?” Karina muttered, smiling as she glanced at you.
You rolled your eyes at Jaemin’s theatrics, but you couldn’t deny the excitement bubbling in your chest. Art exhibits were totally your thing, and Jaemin knew it. However, the moment you looked back at the flyer, your thoughts drifted to a certain someone.
Would Renjun enjoy something like this? You remembered how he’d once shown you his drawings, shyly flipping through margins of his notebook filled with sketches and doodles of nature, cartoons, and people.  The idea of walking through the gallery with him, admiring the art and sharing thoughts, made your heart skip a beat.
“Will our photos be there?” Giselle asked, pulling you back to reality. “You’ve taken enough pictures of us to fill a gallery.”
Jaemin snickered. “Nope. Freshmen aren’t allowed to participate.”
“What?” the three of you exclaimed in unison, outraged.
“Unfair,” Giselle muttered. “You’re better than half the juniors I know.”
“Exactly!” Karina added, frowning. “Who decided that rule anyway?”
Jaemin shrugged, unbothered. “Rules are rules. Besides, you think I want to deal with more critiques from professors? Hard pass.”
“That’s so lame,” you chimed in, frowning as well. “Your pictures of us deserve to be up there.”
“Flattery won’t change anything,” Jaemin replied with a grin. “But you will come to the exhibit, right?”
“Of course,” Karina answered immediately.
“Definitely,” Giselle said, nudging you. “Right?”
“Obviously,” you replied with a shrug, trying to sound nonchalant.
“Do we have to RSVP, or can we just show up?” Karina asked.
“Just show up. But get there early—it’ll be packed,” Jaemin said. Then he turned to you specifically, raising an eyebrow. “And don’t flake.”
“Who, me?” you said, feigning innocence. “I’d never miss a chance to see what the fine arts department cooked up. You know that.”
The conversation continued with Jaemin fielding questions about the exhibit, but you couldn’t stop thinking about how to casually bring it up with Renjun. Would it be weird to invite him? Would he even want to come?
By the time dinner was over, your mind was already racing with possible scenarios. One thing was clear: you needed to find a way to mention the exhibit to Renjun without sounding like you were asking him on a date. Even though that’s exactly what you were hoping for.
Three days later, you wondered how you managed to invite Renjun to the exhibit without fumbling over your words too much. The memory of your awkward phrasing made you cringe slightly every time it replayed in your head, but here you were—standing next to him in the middle of the gallery, surrounded by art.
He seemed genuinely interested in the pieces, his eyes darting from one frame to another with a quiet intensity. Every now and then, he’d point something out—a brushstroke technique in a painting or the composition of a photograph—and you’d nod along, pretending you weren’t hyper-focused on the way his lips curved as he spoke. 
Normally, you’d be more proactive than this. You could talk about art and techniques for days. But at the time, you were more focused on spending the time with him that you could only listen to his thoughts. You offered some of your own comments, but not as much as you would when it was someone else there with you.
The exhibit didn’t lead to anything romantic, as you’d half-hoped. There were no magical moments, no grand gestures, no accidentally brushing hands that sent sparks flying. But somehow, that was okay. You were content just being there with him.
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Dinner was a grander affair than the exhibit, to you, at least. It wasn’t anything fancy—just fast food at a brightly lit diner. You sat across from each other, unwrapping burgers and sipping on sodas, talking about this and that.
As you both ate, the conversation drifted to lighter topics—how the exhibit had surprised you both with its variety, how one of the paintings reminded him of a place he’d visited as a kid, and the sheer horror of seeing the price tags on some of the pieces.
“Five thousand dollars for that?” he exclaimed, gesturing vaguely as if the painting were still in front of him.
“Art is subjective,” you replied with a shrug.
Renjun shook his head, biting into a fry. “Subjective or not, I think my two-year-old cousin could’ve done that with finger paints.”
You laughed, nearly choking on your drink. “Okay, now you’re just being mean. But honestly, same.”
After a pause, he leaned forward slightly. “Do you like art? Like genuinely?”
You nodded, pushing your tray aside. “Yeah. I mean, I’m not an expert or anything, but I like looking at it. It’s relaxing, and sometimes it makes you think about stuff in a different way.”
“I see. Art can make people feel feelings.”
“What about you?” you asked, tilting your head cutely. “Do you just doodle on your notebooks or do you, like, genuinely want to pursue it?”
“I like sketching, but I’m more into digital arts,” he admitted, his voice quieter. “Like I said, it’s more of a hobby. I don’t think I’m good enough to call myself an artist or anything.”
“You do digital arts?” you asked, leaning forward with genuine interest. “That’s so cool! I thought you just sketch on the margins because you want your hands to not stop moving.”
Renjun chuckled heartily, looking a little sheepish. “I do like art a lot. And yeah, maybe I doodle on my notes because I don’t know what to do with my hands sometimes.”
“Can I see them?” you said firmly, leaning closer.
He blinked, surprised. “What?”
“Your digital arts. Can I see them?” you asked and Renjun shrugged. “Only if you wanna show them, of course.”
“Maybe,” he said, a small smile tugging at his lips. “If I ever think they’re worth showing.”
The conversation shifted naturally from there. You learned that Renjun liked savory food more than sweets, that he loved sci-fi movies and old-school animation, and that his favorite season was summer because it was warmer.
In return, you told him about your favorite books and the time you’d tried to paint but ended up with more paint on yourself than the canvas.
Renjun’s laugh came easily, and you found yourself wanting to hear it more. “Sounds like you’d be a hit at one of those paint-and-sip nights.”
“Only if the wine is good,” you replied, grinning.
At one point, he pointed at your tray. “You’re not going to finish that?”
You glanced at the fries you’d left untouched. “No, I’m stuffed. Why? You want them?”
“Waste not, want not,” he said, sliding the tray toward himself.
“Do you even like cold fries?”
“Food is food,” he replied simply, popping one into his mouth.
It was such a small thing, but the casual ease of the moment made your heart warm. You wanted to believe this connection, this closeness, was something meaningful—something real.
But doubt crept in, uninvited and persistent. Was this really going anywhere? Renjun was affecting you more than you’d expected—your mood, your energy, even your plans. You were falling so fast, yet he hadn’t even shown you anything to suggest he was on the same page. Every small gesture, every laugh, every lingering glance—you found yourself dissecting them, overthinking, convincing yourself they meant something when they might not.
Would you be okay if the spark you felt wasn’t mutual?
When dinner was over, the two of you stepped outside, only to find it raining. The kind of rain that drenched you in seconds if you stepped out without an umbrella. You both stood under the awning of the restaurant, staring out into the drizzle. The air was cold, and small splashes of water reached your feet, soaking through your shoes.
Renjun stood beside you, close enough that you could feel the warmth radiating from him even in the chilly air. Despite the miserable weather, you didn’t feel annoyed. If anything, the rain seemed to add a certain weight to the moment—a quiet intimacy that made your heart ache in a good way.
You wondered what he was thinking. Was he just as hyper-aware of the proximity between you as you were? Did he feel the way your shoulders nearly brushed every time one of you shifted your weight?
“I didn’t check the forecast,” he murmured, his voice cutting through the rhythmic sound of raindrops hitting the ground. “Guess we’re stuck here for a while.”
You nodded, your hands buried in your pockets. “Yeah. Bummer.”
It was a half-hearted reply, and you hoped he didn’t notice how your voice trembled, not from the cold but from the nervous energy bubbling in your chest.
“What should we do now?” he asked after a moment, turning slightly to look at you.
You shrugged, not trusting yourself to say anything coherent. “No idea,” you mumbled, keeping your gaze firmly on the rain.
Then, without warning, you felt his hands on your shoulders. The touch was light but firm enough to make your heart leap. Before you could even process it, Renjun had pulled you closer, draping his jacket over both your heads.
“Alright,” he said, his tone suddenly full of determination. “We’re making a run for it.”
“What?!” You looked up at him, wide-eyed, half-hidden under the shared shelter of his jacket.
“It’s just rain,” he said with a grin that sent your stomach into a flurry of butterflies. “If we don’t do this, we’ll be stuck here all night.”
You hesitated for a split second, but his enthusiasm was contagious. “Fine,” you relented, unable to suppress a small laugh.
“That’s the spirit,” he said, his smile widening. “Ready?”
“Not really,” you admitted, but before you could overthink it, Renjun tightened his hold on you, and the two of you darted out into the rain.
The world seemed to blur as you ran, your laughter mingling with his as water splashed up around your feet. The jacket did little to shield you, and soon, droplets of rain were sliding down your cheeks and soaking through your clothes. But you didn’t care—not when Renjun was pulling you along, his own laugh ringing like music in your ears.
When you finally reached the bus shed, you stumbled to a halt, breathless and soaked but grinning from ear to ear. Renjun let out a relieved sigh, shaking his wet hair like a puppy, which only made you laugh harder.
“We made it!” he announced, his voice tinged with mock heroics.
“Barely,” you shot back, pushing your damp hair out of your face. “I didn’t know you were the type to do something like that. You’re insane.”
“Insane or genius?” he countered, raising an eyebrow as he leaned against the metal pole of the shed.
You rolled your eyes but couldn’t suppress your smile. The rain continued to pour, the sound of it hitting the roof above you creating a soothing rhythm. You both stood there, catching your breath, the moment stretching into something quiet and tender.
“Thank you for today,” Renjun looked at you, his expression softening. “I’m really glad we did this.”
The way he said it made your heart flutter, but before you could dwell on it too long, he added with a teasing grin, “Even if I had to brave the rain for it.”
You laughed, shaking your head. “Totally worth it, though.”
“Totally,” he agreed, his gaze lingering on you just a little too long.
For a moment, you thought he might say something else—or that you might—but the sound of car horns broke through your silence, and you both turned to watch the busy streets. The road in front of you was alive with motion—cars speeding past, their headlights streaking through the rain-soaked night. Most of the taxis that passed were already occupied, and when Renjun checked the bus schedule on his phone, he sighed. 
“Caught in traffic,” he said, showing you the GPS map with the slow-moving icon of your bus.
“I figured,” you replied, leaning against the metal pole of the waiting shed. But oddly enough, you didn’t mind. Despite being drenched and stranded, you were having fun.
“Well,” he said, giving the jacket a rueful look before glancing at you, “I’d offer you this, but it’s basically a sponge at this point.”
You shook your head, smiling. “It’s fine. We’re already wet. What difference would it make?”
He shrugged, tucking the useless jacket under his arm. “Fair enough.”
The two of you spent the next few minutes chatting about anything and everything—jokes about how your shoes squelched when you moved, your terrible luck with rain, and a particularly embarrassing story Renjun shared about slipping on wet pavement once.
Then your gaze wandered to the poster on the wall of the waiting shed. It was an advertisement for some soft drink, with bright colors and cheerful models smiling down at you. Or at least, they had been cheerful—someone had scribbled on their faces with marker, adding mustaches and angry eyebrows.
You tilted your head, amused. “What are your thoughts on this piece?” you asked, the same way you’d asked him about the artworks in the gallery earlier that day.
Renjun followed your gaze and chuckled. Then he put on a serious face, as if he was seriously thinking about it. “It’s tasteful, yes. Based on the lines, I think the artist made this on the spot. A spontaneous piece. Overall, it’s top-tier art.”
You tilted your head at the poster, humming in disagreement. “I think it’s mid-tier at most.”
“Think you could do better?” he challenged.
“I’m not much of an artist.”
“Well, how about this?” he said, pulling a pen out of his pocket with a mischievous grin.
You raised an eyebrow. “What’s that for?”
“To write,” he replied matter-of-factly.
“Vandalism?”
He shrugged, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. “They’re probably gonna change those posters soon anyway. Might as well leave our mark.”
You grinned, loving the gleam of mischief in his eyes that was too tempting to resist. “Alright,” you said, taking the pen from his hand.
You leaned toward the poster, careful not to smudge it too much with your damp sleeve, and drew the best fox drawing you could make, unsuccessfully, but you were content with it. Then you wrote in large, messy letters: CUTE LITTLE FOX, INJUN.
“That’s a fox?” Renjun asked, surprised. You nodded with a grin. “Looks more like a wet squirrel.”
“That’s fine. Art is subjective,” you scoffed, handing him the pen. “Your turn.”
He shook his head, laughing. Beneath your writing, he drew a cartoon girl who resembled you, and added: YOU’RE MUCH CUTER THAN THE FOX ^_^
The two of you stepped back to admire your masterpiece, grinning like a couple of kids who’d just gotten away with a prank. “Think it’ll make someone’s day?” you asked.
“Either that or they’ll roll their eyes and wonder what middle schoolers did this,” Renjun replied, pocketing the pen.
When the bus finally pulled up, its headlights cutting through the rain, you both boarded, still laughing. As you climbed the steps, you turned back for a moment and snapped a quick picture of your vandalism.
Renjun noticed and leaned closer to take a look at your screen. “What’s that for?”
“Evidence,” you said with a smirk. “Just in case the poster police comes after us.”
He rolled his eyes but couldn’t hide his smile as the two of you found seats near the back of the bus, the sound of rain and the hum of the engine accompanying your ride home.
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That weekend, while your friends were out doing their own thing, you were in your bedroom, grinning at your phone. You spent the morning scrolling through the pictures you took with Renjun the day before—zooming into his face and admiring the features you’d grown so fond of in the last few weeks. The picture you took of the graffiti was posted in your stories, and you kept checking who’d seen it, hoping one of them would be Renjun himself.
You wished there was an excuse to go out and meet him, but there wasn’t any. Even if there was a valid excuse, you probably wouldn’t act on it because you were worried about being too obvious. Besides, anything you say to invite him outside would only seem like an eager attempt to see him. So you opted to wait till the next time you can hang out with him.
“It’s still Saturday morning?” you grumbled upon seeing the date and time on your phone. “Has the weekend always been this slow?”
As soon as Monday rolled in, you went to your classes with a bounce in your step, listening intently to the lectures and hoping time passed faster. When it was all over, you skipped to the library knowing Renjun would already be there.
And so it continued. The library was your sanctuary as usual, but after a few more days of hunching over the same cramped desks and flickering fluorescents, you suggested a change of scenery. Renjun wasn’t keen on the idea at first, but you managed to convince him to see the appeal of the wide open space and the green grass of the quad just outside the library.
You would spread a small blanket on the grass, and sprawl there with your books or laptops. There were times when your friends would join you but when they did, you’d spend the time chatting instead of studying, so you limited their participation.
Other times, you opted for the cozy cafe outside the campus,  books spread across the table. That space was more intimate and somehow, private. You would read through notes and discuss theories over coffee and dessert. Sometimes, you’d just be talking about random things.
At a glance, it would seem like you spend every day with him without fail, but that wasn’t the case. You studied together once every two days, for only two to three hours max. But it was enough time to fall harder for Renjun. When you weren’t together, you’d be thinking of him. And when he was right before your eyes, your thoughts would still be filled with him. When you were out doing things you usually did with your friends, you wondered who he was hanging out with, or what he did when he wasn’t buried in books.
One day, Renjun suggested a detour after your study session. “There’s this little bookshop near campus,” he said. “It’s got a good vibe. You’ll like it.”
You followed him through winding streets until you reached a hole-in-the-wall shop with dusty windows and a bell that jingled as you entered. The air smelled like old paper and candles. Renjun drifted toward the art section, his fingers skimming the spines of books.
“Here,” he said, pulling one out and handing it to you. “This one’s good.”
You looked at the title, a collection of essays on creativity. A smile tugged at your lips as you were reminded of the time Renjun complimented a creative essay you once showed him. “Are you trying to inspire me?”
“Maybe,” he said with a shrug. “The piece you showed me last time was really good. You need to write more of those.”
You hummed, looking around the shop. Your eyes stopped at a shelf of vintage sketchbooks and canvasses. “Well, in that case, you should sketch more,” you told him, beaming as you led him toward said shelf so you could pick one.
Later, back at your apartment, you flipped through the book, pausing on a passage about capturing fleeting moments. You thought of Renjun—his laugh, the way his eyes crinkled when he smiled, the quiet intensity when he was focused on his work. Your chest tightened with both affection and frustration. Just how much longer could you go on without telling him how you felt?
As long as you could, it seemed. The days passed, and the feelings only grew stronger, but Renjun remained blissfully unaware. Sometimes you wondered if he truly didn’t know, or if he was just pretending not to. You’d catch little moments—a smile, a glance—but you dismissed them. Maybe it meant nothing. Maybe you were imagining it all.
You couldn’t bring yourself to make the first move. You were too shy, too scared of risking everything, too afraid that the warmth you thought you saw in his eyes was nothing more than your imagination. If you never confessed, you could never be rejected. And so, you kept quiet. It was easier this way. But even in the silence, you couldn’t stop wondering if he ever thought about you the same way.
And so it goes.
One day, you sprawled out on a blanket beneath the oak tree in the quad. Karina joined you, which was fine because she wasn’t as noisy as Giselle or Jaemin. Renjun was supposed to be studying, but he was sketching in his notebook instead, the soft scratch of pencil against paper the only sound you could hear from him.
You tried to focus on your notes, but your eyes kept drifting to him—how his brow furrowed in concentration, his lips pressed together in that adorable way that made your chest tighten. His focus was so intense, so effortless, and it made you wonder if he even knew how attractive it was.
“What are you drawing?” you asked, propping yourself up on your elbows.
“Just something,” Renjun replied, turning the sketchpad slightly toward you. “It’s not finished.”
“Oh, that’s cool,” you said, genuinely impressed by the details of his art. You glanced up at the oak tree, which was clearly the reference for his sketch. “How old do you think this tree is?”
Karina looked up from her tablet, following your gaze. “Probably a few decades old.”
“Seventy-three,” Renjun said, his eyes still on the tree. “They said it was planted by the founder of this school. It’s been here since.”
You smiled, looking back at the tree with new eyes. “Is that why it’s in such a weird spot on the school grounds? I always thought it looked out of place.”
“Hi, Jun!” she said, pulling your attention away. She was pretty, with an effortless kind of grace that immediately made you wonder who she was.
“Hi, Lia,” Renjun greeted back with a smile, and you couldn’t help but measure how much of a smile it was. Was it just friendly, or was there something more?
“Is that a sketchbook?” she asked, leaning down to peek over his shoulder.
“Uh, yeah,” Renjun said, closing it quickly, though not before she caught a glimpse of the pages.
“Wow,” she said, her smile widening. “You’re so talented. I didn’t know you could draw.”
Renjun laughed, scratching the back of his neck. “I can, though I’m not that good at it.”
You felt your jaw clench as she lingered, her gaze fixed on him. It wasn’t subtle—how she twirled her hair, leaned just a little too close, like she was trying to get his attention in the most obvious way. But Renjun seemed oblivious, like it was all just normal.
Beside you, Karina tugged at your sleeve. When you exchanged looks, you saw the same confusion in her eyes.
“Who’s that?” she mouthed, and you could only shrug, your stomach tightening with an unfamiliar knot.
After she left, you tried to play it cool, but Renjun noticed the shift in your mood. “Everything okay?” he asked, tilting his head in that endearing way.
“Yeah,” you said, forcing a smile that felt like a mask. “Why wouldn’t it be?”
It was hard to ignore the knot of frustration that settled in your stomach—jealousy, confusion, possessiveness. The way Lia had leaned in just a little too close, the way she smiled at him like she knew something you didn’t—it made your heart twist. You weren’t oblivious to it. She was clearly a competition. And you hated how much that thought stung.
But then, you reminded yourself: you were in no position to feel frustrated or jealous. You couldn’t expect him to cater to your feelings when you hadn’t done anything to express them. And even if he did know, he didn’t owe you anything. Just because you had feelings for him didn’t mean he was obligated to cater to whatever unspoken expectations you’d built in your head.
And so it goes. You stayed quiet, enjoying his company and hoping he’d one day confirm that he too had feelings for you. That all this time, he’d been keeping it to himself worried that it might ruin your friendship.
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“Worried about your hair?” Renjun teased one day, while you were standing outside the cafe under the dull gray sky. It has started drizzling and you were wondering if you could make a run for it.
“No,” you shot back, laughing. “Are you worried about yours?”
“No, but just in case…” He reached into his bag and pulled out a bright yellow umbrella with cartoon characters. “I brought an umbrella.”
You stared at it, then at him. “Did you steal that from your little cousin or something?”
“It’s mine, actually,” he corrected nonchalantly. “I got it yesterday.”
“You’re walking around campus with that?” you snickered.
“Hey, Moomin is cool,” he said, unfazed. He popped the umbrella open. “And it’s functional.”
You giggled. “I’m just teasing you. I think it’s very cute.”
Renjun gave you a deadpan stare. “Ha-ha. Thanks,” he said sarcastically.
The two of you huddled under the umbrella, the sound of rain pattering against it. The closeness made your heart race, and you were hyper-aware of the way his shoulder brushed yours as you walked side by side. By the time you reached the library, your cheeks felt warm despite the chill of the rain.
Inside, you settled at a desk by the window. Renjun started sketching again, and you observed him quietly, wondering how much longer you could keep your feelings bottled up. You didn’t know how much longer you could stand being this close to him and not telling him everything.
You busied yourself with an assignment, racking your brain and going through your notes to come up with the best output. Anything to distract yourself from Renjun. And it worked for a while, until the appearance of a certain someone made it impossible to focus on anything at all.
“Renjun,” Lia said, appearing beside your desk with a hand on his shoulder. “Do you have a minute?”
“What’s up?” Renjun asked, setting his pencil down.
“There’s something I want to tell you.”
“Sure. What is it?”
Lia glanced at you with a glint of embarrassment in her eyes. “Can we talk there?”
“Alright.” Renjun nodded, rising to his feet. He gave you a small smile and a nod before following Lia.
You stayed at the table, your fingers fidgeting with the corner of your notebook. You tried to focus on the notes spread across the table, but your eyes kept darting toward the direction Renjun and Lia had gone. What could they possibly be talking about? A prickle of curiosity crept under your skin, impossible to ignore. The logical part of you insisted it was none of your business. But another part—a louder, restless part—was dying to know.
Your fingers tapped rhythmically against the notebook, and your knee was bouncing uncontrollably under the table. You glanced out at the rain, trying to convince yourself to stay put, to respect their privacy, but your thoughts were spinning out of control. What if she was confessing? What if he said yes?
You shook your head, banishing the thought. You didn’t even know what they were talking about. For all you knew, it could be about something entirely irrelevant to confessions and feelings. Still, your chest tightened at the idea of them sharing something you weren’t a part of. Once again, you tried to focus on your work, but your resolve crumbled with each passing second.
“Fuck this,” you muttered, and before you knew it, your legs were moving, carrying you toward the shelves where they had disappeared. Your heart thudded in your ears as you peeked around the corner. There they were, standing by the window, their voices low.
“I hope this doesn’t make things awkward between us,” Renjun said, his tone warm. “You’re an amazing friend, and I’d hate to lose that.”
“No, not at all,” Lia assured him. “I actually just wanted to get that off my chest. Thanks for being honest.”
You covered your mouth, stopping the gasp that almost escaped your lips. You were right after all. Lia was confessing her feelings for Renjun!
They continued chatting briefly, their tones light and unstrained. You couldn’t hear everything they said, but it was clear there was no animosity. Lia seemed to take it well, laughing softly at something Renjun said before they started walking back.
Panicking, you quickly ducked behind another shelf, snatching a random book. When they passed by, you waited a few more moments before returning to the table. You then sat down across from Renjun, and when he noticed you, he gave you that easy smile that always made your chest flutter.
“Where were you?” he asked, one hand flipping a page in his sketchpad.
“I just grabbed something from there,” you lied, showing him the book you took from the shelf. “Are you done talking?”
“Yeah, we’re good.”
Nice, you thought to yourself, smiling. I think I’m good too.
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By the time the rain had stopped, you were done with your assignment and Renjun had packed his sketchpad away. These days, he had been drawing a lot, and it made you giddy each time you saw him take out the vintage sketchbook you got for him. Sometimes, you liked to think he was properly practicing his art because of you, but that was just something you told yourself. He didn’t really say or do anything to back it up.
As you glanced out the window, sunlight began to peek through the rain clouds, and you gestured toward it. “Looks like the weather is getting better. Should we head out?”
“Sure,” Renjun said, tucking his pencil into his bag. “We’ve been here long enough.”
The two of you walked side by side, the damp air cool against your skin. Renjun tugged on the sling of his bag, his gaze distant, as though he had something on his mind. You didn’t press him, though you were wondering what was bothering him. It was unusual to see him so conflicted—Renjun, who was always so calm and composed.
You let the silence stretch, looking around the campus grounds. There was nothing you could think of saying, and it didn’t seem like Renjun was in the headspace to talk about anything either. But then he let out a deep sigh, making you glance at him.
“What’s wrong?” you asked, peeking at his face.
“Nothing, just…” he trailed off, his voice low with a hint of uncertainty. “Have you ever had a friend confess their feelings for you?”
You blinked, caught off guard. “Uh, maybe? I mean, I think most of the people who confessed to me were my friends at first.”
In your mind, you were wondering if he was asking because of his conversation with Lia earlier.
His lips quirked in a faint smile, though his eyes stayed distant. “Yeah, I figured. It’s just... earlier, Lia said she liked me. Romantically.”
You knew that already. “Okay. What happened?”
“Apparently, she felt that we had a really good connection. She enjoyed hanging out with me and started liking me because I was nice and all that.”
You hummed, urging him to continue.
“It got me thinking, I should probably draw lines with friendship. As flattering as it was to be ‘liked’, I don’t really want to keep unintentionally leading people on,” he continued, tugging your jacket sleeves gently to veer you away from a puddle.
“That’s fine. You can do that,” you told him, your eyes lingering on his hand on your jacket. “But it’s not your fault if people get the wrong idea. There’s nothing wrong with you or your personality. That’s just how you are as a person.”
“You think so?”
You glanced up at him. “Yeah. But I do understand Lia though. It happens to some. Sometimes people catch feelings, even if they know they shouldn’t,” you chuckled, hoping Renjun wouldn’t notice you were literally talking about yourself.
“I don’t know,” he sighed, shrugging. “I wasn’t trying to make her like me like that. I’ve spent way more time with you than with her, but you don’t feel that way for me.”
You froze mid-step, your breath catching in your throat as a jolt of panic engulfed you. Your chest was tightening as if all the air was being sucked out of you. Renjun kept walking ahead, oblivious, until he realized you weren’t beside him
“What are you doing?” he asked and you couldn’t answer him, so you bit your lip nervously.
What should you do? Should you let his assumption slide? Or should you finally be honest and tell him what’s been bugging you all this time? What if you said something you couldn’t take back?
“Is something wrong?” he asked again, reaching for your shoulder.
“I-I…” you stammered, locking eyes with him. His gaze was steady, but your thoughts were a mess. You swallowed hard. “You’re wrong. I do feel that way.”
It was his turn to be stunned. His brows furrowed slightly, and his hand on your shoulder loosened as he looked at you with an unreadable expression. 
“Actually, I have felt that way before we even became friends,” you continued. Your chest tightened further, but there was no turning back now. “It was just a crush at first, but I got to know you and I just fell harder. I have feelings for you, Renjun and I don’t know what to do with it. I just know I had to tell you about it.”
Renjun still didn’t say anything, flustered and confused by your sudden confession. In your mind, you were screaming, hoping you could fast forward and skip this part because it was making you cringe with embarrassment. But you couldn’t back out—not now that you’d spilled everything out.
The two of you continued to stare at each other, seemingly communicating with your eyes but not coming to an understanding. Your mind raced with questions and possibilities, all pointing at Renjun and begging for him to finally say something. Every brain cell in your head was rioting, a chaos that was the complete opposite of the weighted silence stretching between you and Renjun.
And when his hand  slowly slipped away from your shoulder, you held your breath again, bracing yourself for what was about to come.
“I’m so sorry.”
Your heart sank to your stomach, and you released the breath you were holding. Those three words—though short and straightforward—were enough to sum up everything Renjun was about to say. You already knew what it meant, and despite the heavy weight settling on your chest at his words, you somehow hoped he’d surprise you with a plot twist.
“I swear I didn’t have any bad intentions,” he said, his voice quieter now. “I really just wanted to be friends with you. I didn’t realize…” He trailed off, letting out a heavy sigh.
You nodded, even though the words stung. He didn’t need to finish for you to understand. “It’s alright. I understand.”
He sighed your name out, shoulders sagging as if he couldn’t believe what was happening. You smiled, despite the turmoil in your head. It was hard to explain the mess of emotions swirling inside you—hurt, embarrassment, frustration—but you forced it down. You could handle this. You could take it like an adult.
“Renjun, it’s fineee,” you said, your voice a little lighter than you felt. You laughed softly, almost as if to convince yourself. “I said I wanted to tell you about it. I wasn’t asking you to reciprocate or anything.”
He still looked uncertain, his brows furrowed with that familiar concern you could never shake. But you didn’t want to drag this out any longer, didn’t want to let him see how much his words had hit you. It wasn’t his fault.
“Don’t worry about it, okay?” you added, giving him a small wave as if to dismiss the whole conversation. “We’re still friends. Nothing’s changed.”
Renjun hesitated for a moment, still looking at you like he wasn’t sure how to handle your response. You could tell he wasn’t completely convinced, and that made you want to reassure him more.
“Really,” you said with a shrug, “I’m fine. Let’s just go. I’m starving. I need to get home and make some food, otherwise I’d be eating takeout again for dinner.”
You both continued down the path, the sound of your footsteps against the wet pavement the only noise between you. Renjun didn’t say anything more, but you could feel his gaze on you, lingering with that worried expression. He was probably still processing everything. You could almost hear him overthinking it in his head, trying to figure out if he had somehow hurt you.
But for now, you were just grateful to keep moving. You had your pride, and you had your space. And for a moment, despite the mess of it all, you felt a small wave of relief.
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You said you’d be fine, that nothing would change between you and Renjun. But as the last few days of the semester rolled around, you found yourself doing what any mature, emotionally stable woman would do—avoid him like the plague. You had a perfectly reasonable excuse—last-minute assignments and projects that seemed to always appear every end of semester. You were both swamped with coursework, so really, it wasn’t avoidance; it was just conveniently timed busyness. At least, that’s what you told yourself.
You also told yourself it was just temporary. You’d heal, bounce back, and return to being the friend who could sit across from Renjun without your stomach twisting into knots. After all, you were still friends. Nothing had changed, right?
Wrong. In the quiet moments, when there was nothing to distract you from your thoughts, the truth would play itself on a loop: it had changed. The ache that would creep in your chest was sharp and annoyingly persistent like a bad pop song stuck on repeat. No matter how hard you tried to bury it under denial, it kept rising to the surface, demanding to be felt.
When Renjun texted you, your responses were cheerful, using the same emojis and the same upbeat tone to mask the fact that your heart was broken. You couldn’t tell if he bought it, but since his replies sounded as casual as ever, you figured your performance deserved an Oscar. Or at least a participation trophy for effort.
Your roommates, Karina and Giselle, noticed it. They could tell something was off. You had always been the one who kept things light and bright, the one who filled the room with laughter and jokes. But now, they could see the small cracks. They could hear the silence that replaced your usual chatter, the way you kept to yourself more often. Even your jokes had gone from playful to suspiciously self-deprecating. 
“Girl, you don't look okay. Like, at all!” Giselle had told you once.
“This is fine,” you’d said with a lopsided grin. “I’m just living my sad rom-com arc. All I need now is a montage of me crying in the rain, but the weather isn’t cooperating.”
It was even more obvious to Jaemin, who, instead of teasing you or trying to get under your skin, seemed to have adopted a strategy of quiet support. He didn’t press you to talk, didn’t try to fix things, and—bless him—didn’t say, “I told you so”. You appreciated the space, but you also hated the awkwardness that had replaced his usual antics. You didn’t like it when he walked on eggshells around you, and it only made you feel worse.
“You know you can talk to us, right?” Karina offered again one night, her voice full of concern. “You don’t have to keep it all in.”
“Thanks, but really, I’m fine,” you said, waving her off with a half-hearted laugh. “This is character development. Pain builds personality, or something like that.”
Giselle handed you a tub of ice cream. “Here, have a snack while your character is developing.”
No amount of jokes or distractions could fully numb your heartache. You kept telling yourself you’d get through it, that it would pass, but every time you were alone with your thoughts, the weight settled back onto your chest. You weren’t sure how long you could keep pretending to be okay, but for now, the show had to go on.
Then, by the time spring break was around the corner, the heaviness in your chest had started to lift. It wasn’t gone entirely but it wasn’t as sharp as it had been two weeks ago. You were finding your way back to yourself already. Giselle even pointed it out one evening while you were packing for the trip home.
“Hey, look at you, humming again,” she teased, flopping onto your bed. “I was starting to think Renjun broke you for good.”
You rolled your eyes but smiled at her. “Oh please. He wasn’t even a fling. Being rejected by a crush wouldn’t break me,” you said, folding another shirt into your bag. “Besides, it’s my first spring break. I can’t walk out of this campus brokenhearted.”
“Aha, I see you’ve found your lost vigor for real fun.” Giselle gave you an approving nod, like a coach satisfied with her team’s performance. “Progress. I’ll take it.”
The next day, as you walked across campus for one last errand before heading home, you spotted Renjun. He was walking toward the library, balancing a stack of books in one hand and holding his bag in the other. You hesitated for a moment, instinctively considering walking in the opposite direction, but the impulse passed as quickly as it came.
You reminded yourself you were okay now—or at least getting there. Avoiding him would only keep you stuck, and besides, the two of you were still friends. Nothing had changed. Right?
“Hey,” you called out, jogging up to him.
Renjun turned at the sound of your voice, a small smile forming when he saw you. “Oh, hey! I thought you left already.”
“Not yet. I’m heading out later today,” you said, nodding at the books in his hand. “Still cramming in some last-minute reading?”
“No, I’m returning these,” he said with a chuckle. “What about you? Got big plans for spring break?”
You grinned. “Are you kidding me? Of course, it’s our first one as college students. You?”
He shrugged, trying to keep his tone light. “Just going home. Last night, my mom sent me a whole list of chores waiting for me when I get back.”
You laughed, and for a moment, it felt easy between you two again, like the past few weeks hadn’t happened.
“Are you okay?” he asked suddenly, his tone softening. “Sorry. I’ve been meaning to ask, but I thought it would be wrong to bring it up when we’re not face-to-face.”
You blinked, caught off guard by his question. For a moment, you thought about brushing it off, but you realized you didn’t need to. Not anymore. “I wasn’t,” you admitted with a small smile. “But only for a bit. I’m okay now. Really.”
Renjun studied your face, his expression unreadable, before he nodded. “Good. I’m glad.”
A comfortable silence settled between you, and for once, it wasn’t suffocating. It didn’t feel like something was left unsaid or hanging in the air.
“Well,” he said, shifting his bag on his shoulder, “I should get going. Have fun doing… whatever it is you do during spring break.”
You rolled your eyes but grinned. “You have fun with your chores too.”
“I don’t know if I will, but I’ll make sure to try,” he replied, chuckling. “Text me if you need anything though, okay? Or if you're bored, I don't know. Just... Feel free to talk to me whenever you want."
“I will,” you promised, waving as you walked away.
As you made your way across campus, you fished your phone out of your pocket, remembering that Karina once told you about a confessions page on X. It was called NCIT Campus Confessions, and after skimming through the posts, you typed in a submission of your own:
To HRJ, Maybe I will finally learn my lesson. -xx
You felt lighter. Maybe not entirely free from the disappointment, but enough to know that you’d be okay. After all, it wouldn’t do to carry heartache with you to a place as vibrant and alive as Aruba.
[To be continued in Wonderland]
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numberonepartyboy · 7 months ago
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WELCOME TO MY TWISTED MIND.....
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oh-cramity-its-amity · 5 months ago
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i love my friends so much. i feel like yesterday i had a lot of shit going on in my head and i woke up to my friend explaining things in a way that put my mind at ease. i dont feel as anxious anymore because i know i was overthinking. i think my dad said it best when he told me that he thought my wonderful brain of mine just wants to think problems are bigger than they actually are. he is right! im just inexperienced in life and half of the time im scared im doing something wrong but- HEY. i need to be more confident in making mistakes. making mistakes doesn't define me as a person!! i need to stop worrying about doing life right and just live for the sake of living and doing what makes me happy!!!!!!!
#thank u blake. u really helped#also nessa!! thank u for that reblog about your perspective on my one post about feeling lost career wise#it helps me to know im not the only one living this life because holy fuck i can feel confused sometimes because.. am i doing this right?#and you know what? theres no correct path that i think there is but im just not good without a direct direction. it makes me a little#anxious about things#i dont know if its because i have some form of a disorder but i function better when i plan stuff out and give myself something to#decompress the problems and thoughts because in my brain theyre just all stuck and clumped together#and that can get a bit scary and overwhelming!!!#im just glad i have people that care about me. it means literally everything to me#so even if i dont 100% reply dont think i dont care because literally any ANY advice or kindness you show to me means the world#we're all just living this little life and we might as well make the best of it#people care..... thats just.... its good... it makes me feel less alone that people do#i love my friends so much#evennnn if we dont talk every day or are only mutuals in passing!!! it literally means a lot if people show me kindness#like holy shit!!! your older than me? and your dealing with a similar experience??? and your telling me that its okay??? and that itll be#okay?????#like#just the reassurance that things will be okay and work out and that im not the only one dealing with a feeling like mine#idk sometimes i just feel like im crazy and like my thoughts make no sense?? you know?? but yall get it#im glad that i have people who are older than me in my life cause yall have experienced stuff that i can use to be better#like your life experiences can help me in a way that can make a difference on my perspective on things#its why i like talking to my coworkers. because theyve seen things and done things i havent and their perspective can teach me potentially#i just dont feel so overwhelmed with life when i talk to people who understand#i feel so young and yet old enough to know but even the people who are older dont know so im sort of on the right track i suppose depending#on how you look at it#so- im just gonna live my life and smile because!!! you gotta.#you gotta surround yourself with people who can enrich you and teach you things for the better and make you want to grow#some of you are like that#you may not know that#but that kindness means so much
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bueris · 6 months ago
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okay maybe I should seriously reconsider my path in life and sell my soul to marketing or journalism instead
#okay venting in the tags you are very welcome to ignore or not respond to it i just need to yell somewhere#i always thought id be an art therapist because well i care about people and want to help them and love art#but everyday i wake up feeling like a fraud and an imposter so like. should i really be doing all that when im not entirely#certain i cpuld handle it??? like i know i haven't gotten the meaty bit of the education towards that yet but like#university costs a disgusting amount of money here and if i pick the wronf thing im likely doomed forever thanks to awful government#i know things could get better like they did after thatcher but honestly im not putting any bets on it considering how the current labour#party is so like if i fuck up here im basically dead#also can i actually do art uni. like could i cope with that. im deeply unethused with art at the moment and honestly will i evwr be#idk#it was jusr a thing i always did but education around it is fucking soul sucking#also the emotional weight of hearing and solving people's problems as a therapist. i would consider myself quite empathetic for the most#part i feel other people's pain quite strongly and obviously as a therapist id be feeling that quite a bit so could i actually cope with it?#ik therapists have therapists but still#i mean im doing work experience at an occupational therapy place so ill just be extra inquisitive about it all to make sure im going#the way i wanna#I'll be fine by the end of a levels ill probably understand what i want in life#if not then gap year to work it out#should probably look at unis for english language too then#sigh#ucas website i may as well marry you#ill be okay im getting in my head about stuff im actually pretty good at art even if there are things i can improve on (like patience lol)#yeah maybe the voice telling me i suck doesnt know shit and should shut up#yeah#shut it nasty voice you're wrong actually!!! im doing just fine and you're being overly critical#they should make a brain that's your friend and not mush that hides the amalgamation of every bad thing ever in its crevices#crevices shoyild be filled with kindness and love.#sex jokes about that#why the fuck is yahoo mail syncing i dont use you you washed up search engine#bue waffling#vent post
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shirogane-oushirou · 25 days ago
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no promises anymoooooreeeee i'll appear online when i appear online 😭 every time i say "ooh i think life is almost done being overwhelming!" it. becomes even more overwhelming in the dumbest ways. all i can manage rn when i'm not stressing myself into a shut-down state is staring at the wall while listening to youtube essays + mindlessly crocheting.
i might queue up ppls art and fics w/o commentary in the tags... i want other ppl to see what all of my cool friends have made, but i genuinely can't think right now with this monstrous brain fog. i'm really sorry, just. yeah. maybe i'll think of some way to make it up later!!! once the dust has settled!!!! but until then i wuv u and miss u. smiles.
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[venting in tags including familial manipulation and ableism. i. didn't mean to write all of that, thiss was originally going to be a main blog post but. aaaaaAAAAAA!!!!!
also no need for replies or anything, i'd turn them off for just the one post if i could kjsndkn, i just needed to get things out and go eep jsjndsfdn ok bye bye bye bye!!!!]
#goddd my family finds it sooooooo funny that i can't do basic tasks! it's soooo funny that i can't even think of a horror movie to watch#on halloween bc i genuinely can't remember a single one right now. it's soooo funny that i can't take cardboard boxes or#old furniture out of my room without help bc i've physically and mentally and emotionally burnt out for Months.#and me not being able to move shit out after two (2) days makes me a hoarder somehow. and ofc hoarding is a moral failing#and my mom has to give me a stern talking-to about hoarding things... that were. again. in my room for 2 days....#[tbc it isnt a moral failing no matter the reason. life is hard and things happen and it can be hard to get rid of things for Reasons.]#nevermind them making constant snide remarks about me using ugly 'mismatched' desk / storage furniture. bc it was free / cheap? no income??#AND!!!!! i have a couple of new diagnoses. which doesn't change much day to day but it does make my family making fun of me#even more dumbfounding. like. this explains a lot of really scary unexplained symptoms that constantly leave me#housebound for weeks but uhhh haha hehe hoho??? so silly so funny that i'm barely conscious for multiple weeks???#and you can see that i'm getting worse but that makes it funnier??? hmm!!!#also nevermind that i've told them the exact reason why i've been like this (read: them) but that ALSO makes it funnier somehow.#but i also can't say shit bc they're doing something ~nice~ for me (out of convenience + after almost a decade of 'don't get comfortable'#and 'don't decorate this room bc it isn't yours' and 'you need to be ready to move out by x date'#only for the date to arrive and them to pull the 'i never said that. and if i did say it i didn't mean it like that.#and if i did mean it like that i don't anymore.' card. + any big renovations are things they wanted anyway. hmmmm!!#and how i have to do all of the phys labor alone bc if i ask for help i get made fun of!!! and yelled at that i'm doing things Wrong#(hint: i'm following instructions to the letter but. my family knows better than those silly things!! ^^ ))#jfc i sure did rant. uh. yeah. things. are really weird and uncomfy and i feel thankful that i finally can have my own things on display#outside of closets and bins again after a decade?? but i'm also waiting for the other shoe to drop / them to tell me i owe them in#some way??? bc that's how it works. 'i'm doing a nice thing you didn't even ask me for so now you have to do whatever i tell you to.'#meanwhile i can't even maladaptive daydream my way through it bc my brain is soup right now. can't remember basic things abt#my interests bc i've been on negative battery / spoons for a couple of months straight and it's only getting worse.#OKAY TLDR i'm not in a state to do anything until everything irl gets settled. and i'm trying So Hard to get it all over with but there's#only so much i can do in a day before i completely shut down. i didn't even get into the insurance stuff i've been fighting too ughhhh.#so if i show up on here in short spurts -- hi! bye! hi!! i wuv and care u!!! hope youre well mwah mwah!!!!!!! i'll post what i can and then#disappear when i need to recharge. it is what it is. i need to try to sleep now... uh if this post disappears when i wake up.... yeah......#📌 [ my posts. ]#💭 [ my thoughts. ]#vent -
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arcanespillo · 1 year ago
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18.) describe your personal style? 19.) what was the last concept that inspired you?
1 for clothes i don't really wear fancy stuff just like, everything is either thrifted, gifted, or my dad's, all my jewerly is also my family's, i think my clothes = pretty masculine, my jewerly and fragrance choices = pretty much feminine (if we want to gender up stuff to make things simpler) since it's my mom and grandma's necklaces and women perfumes (i think the "aesthetic" that is closer to this is grunge? but i'm not sure also the concept of aesthetics is so limited, like sometimes i make some effort about my style choices some other times i just dress all black and basic and go out and thats it)
this comes close to it (skull and harley shirts are actual shirts of mine)
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BUT i really want to start dressing more like this, like more preppy? basic? maybe i just want a leather jacket sorry + i want all the clothes alec mcdowell wears in dark angel everytime he's on screen i bite my hands
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i also love this .. what is it like gorpecore? which is literally just romanticized trekking clothing but like i love love it
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2 late medieval mysticism lol because i found a book about it
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jackienautism · 2 years ago
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sam w/ a flamethrower is pretty fuckin cool actually
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icewindandboringhorror · 1 year ago
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Other Misc. Rambling Thoughts on the topic:
(~ !!!!!!!!! if you're just reblogging this post for the Poll section, please reblog the original post without this addition* lol. ~)
(*not that there's anything super personal or weird about the addition, just that it's meant to be kind of casual Side Commentary, not really part of the Main Point Of The Poll, so it would feel kind of weird for it to be emphasized by being included in reblogs unless the reblogs were explicitly about the side commentary, etc..... if that makes sense.. ANYWAY!)
It's neat to read the written descriptions that people are mentioning in the tags, since it's almost like I can see or conceptualize the idea as well, but it's just.. I'm not SEEING it.
Like for example: I can imagine a vase, it's a muted mint green and slightly translucent, elaborate golden birds sprawled down the side in streaks of thin rough watery paint, the base material shimmers gently in the light, there's a small chip where it's cracked on the handle, etc, etc. .. But as I'm thinking about this I see literally nothing.
It seems like perhaps some people can visualize an object first, and THEN describe what they see. But I sort of work backwards. I am building the object in my mind, I can never see it, but it's a collection of concepts. Rather than visualizing all details as a whole at once, I am adding each detail one by one, building onto the IDEA of the thing.
The vase doesn't have a crack on the handle because I just automatically visualized a vase with a crack. It was more that I cognitively understand the concept of a vase, what they tend to be made out of, how they tend to look and feel, the properties they have. So based purely on that knowledge, I can imagine "a chip is something that a vase could have, it would look this way and behave this way" - more like... I'm constructing a bullet point Fact List about the object rather than seeing it.
So if you tell me to imagine an object, I can, in a way, imagine that object in great detail, but it's just.. I'm not SEEING those details, more just knowing it's qualities in a purely conceptual way. Sometimes in the tags when people are like "yeah I can see the skin of the apple, texture, little dots on the surface" it's like… I can imagine that too, I can know it's there, but just with no visual attached.
I guess rather than SEEING something and going ''ah. I know what this looks like because I have seen it''. I more just skip that visual step entirely and go ''I know what this looks like, I just randomly have a list of information about the concept in my mind.'' etc. Maybe similar to how sometimes in dreams, even though a house may look completely different and be in an entirely fake 'dreamlike' environment, you just somehow KNOW intuitively that it's meant to be your childhood home or something. Even when it looks nothing like it in reality. There's a built-in base knowledge of the properties or information of some things within a dreaming mind, etc.
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This also makes me wonder about like.. how storytelling and myth is so important to cultures all across time. Or how this could tie also into concepts of religion.. etc. etc. If so many people really can kind of conjure these vivid images in their mind, then maybe that's part of why certain things are so meaningful to them? Like a "religious experience" being something you can actually really SEE/feel/lingering with you in your head, rather than just abstract words on a page, detached purely theoretical ideas, etc... hmmm
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Plus also just for average emotional stuff too, even outside of broader cultural conceptual attachments..
Like, I don't think there's a direct 1 to 1 link (obviously not all people with mental illnesses that significantly reduce their emotional or expressive capacity also MUST have aphantasia or vice versa), but it's interesting as someone who DOES also have a much more lessened emotional range/pretty flat affect/etc. etc. to think like.. Maybe I WOULD be more emotional, in a way, if I could have these vivid experiences..?
Perhaps memories would hold deeper significance if they could really stay with me vividly. Or storytelling would evoke more of a deep emotional reaction to me if I could really picture and feel the things that are going on. If things were more TANGIBLE in my brain, rather than always merely conceptual highly abstracted ideas.
Kind of like, it's probably easier to get over the death of a pet or something, if after not seeing them for an hour you already don't remember what they looked like (beyond just a vague fact list of traits), and you have no vivid memories or mental reminders of them (beyond just factual information stores). COGNTIVIELY you can appreciate the idea of their absence, of course, you still miss them, but there's just no remaining visceral sensory ties. A very "out of sight, out of mind" sort of thing in terms of attachments, memories, emotions, etc. Maybe certain things are easier to "get over", when you're not having constant mental sensory reminders that occasionally rekindle your feelings about the event or etc.??
(like for example, maybe someone could remain angry about an argument longer if they could vividly replay it in their head over and over again. VS just like.. 'Yes I can factually recall the fact I had an argument, and I do have knowledge stored about what precisely was said, but any sort of sensory data such as sights/smells/feelings, etc. from the actual moment of the event are long gone and can never be conjured again in my mind." etc.)
Which again, I think lessened emotional permanence and image permanence in the mind are NOT inherently linked, can all be caused by different things for different people. And, since I can't visualize anything in my head, maybe I'm misunderstanding how it happens and the effect it may have on stuff like remembering things you miss or replaying arguments, etc. etc. But it's still a little interesting to think about, if they could influence each other to some degree.... :0c --
Lastly, It's also weird because I'm actually pretty good at estimating distance and spaces? I can quickly assemble furniture without an instruction manual, pretty easily have a concept of how much space a chair may take up in a room, how two mechanical parts might fit together - BUT, I am literally not actually visualizing anything. I cannot see 3D objects in my mind at ALL. It's like.. just based on the pure List Of Facts About Things Which I Have Observed.. I can intuitively go "oh this works like this/this is this size" just because.. I know it's that size. I don't have to see anything to know..?
But then on the other hand, I'm terrible at directions without a map (I guess because a 3d outdoor environment has WAY more complexity than like.. "Will this square fit into another square?"etc. lol ).
BUT, I also draw/sculpt/etc. entirely without references, and seem to do mostly okay at that..? Like.. I can't even remember the last time I actually used a reference or looked at anything whilst drawing. It's all muscle memory, and me just adjusting as I go until something "looks right" on paper, I never have a set image in my head (or external reference) before hand.. Hrmm....
AND.. I used to say that I had a photographic memory when I was younger, which I know NOW is not true (I always thought it was just an expression, not that people could literally see things in a photographic way). But what I was describing is, I do often associate information with imagery, just... without imagery....
Like "Oh, I know that I took my medicine earlier today because I have a distinct memory, a snapshot of a moment in time, of me rattling the pill bottle in my hands as I looked up at a stop sign while in the back seat of a car". When I say this, I can't ACTUALLY see/feel/hear a pill bottle, or vividly picture a stop sign, but it's more just a factual recall, of. Even though I don't see these things, I know they happened, the information of them happening (me hearing a sound and also looking at a stop sign at the same time) has been stored in my brain as a memory, a collection of linked facts. --
As for other senses, I cannot taste or feel anything in my head AT ALL.. wild that some people mention that. I mean, again, I can have a purely factual recall as if reading a textbook, knowing the information of 'X item typically has X texture, therefore I can imagine what it may be like to feel it' or 'X usually has this taste' etc. - but I can never actually experience those senses in any capacity in my mind alone. I would say audio is my strongest mental sense (maybe a 2.5 or 3 (if it were translated onto the above scale where 1 is most vivid and 5 is nothing)), then visual (4.5 at most, usually 5), and then taste and smell and such are just complete 5, absolutely nothing, I didn't even know people could experience taste or feeling just in their mind alone.. lol...
I know this is just a silly bad quality random screencap of a screencap that I found on facebook lol, BUT it's a succinct enough image to easily describe the concept in a quick/accessible way hopefully :
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(and of course, feel free to elaborate in tags, etc.! (especially elaborating about other senses as well.. can you "hear" in your mind just as well as you can "see"? taste? etc.) It's an interesting topic to me, as someone who's like a 4.5 at MOST lol. I'm curious what option will be the most common :0c )
#repeat reblog#Hrmm.... this must be why you all like reading books so much lol… option 5.. so few of us…#Also I wonder if this is why I'm a more detail oriented writer. Like if I was making a story I would first have to plot out information#about the location. draw a map of the room the chararcters are in. sketch the characters. their outfits. do a lot of plotting and planning#about how the world and the setting works and what plants might be there and so on and so forth. Because I'm working#more from a factual knowledge base of like 'bullet point list of things I know about this setting/object/person/etc'#rather than actually just being able to see it in my mind. So to really conceptualize a person/place/thing - I have to build it#from the ground up conceptually. Gathering and organizing all the information about it until I have a Full Mental Concept of it - and THEN#I can work with it from there. But maybe someone who just Pictures all that in their brain from the beginning can kind of skip that step.#Like for example I literally have NO idea what any of my characters look like until I draw them. I have to actively decide what they look#like and think about all of those details and create the List Of Factual Information (black hair. green eyes. this tall. etc.) from scratch#. where the friend I talked to on the phone recently said that they literally just like... picture the character. like they just SEE them#doing stuff and know from there. And of course i have an IDEA of what I may want a characters appearnce to be or properties that would suit#them based on their Concept and Personality. but I literally do not know. And even when writing or thinking about characters doing things#I cannot visualize them no matter how hard I try. It's all theoretical factual recall for me. Also my friend said that to THEM the saying#''the characters write themselves'' was interpreted to mean.. they can literally sit down & watch the characters do things and it's as#if they are just creating a story in their mind from thin air. it writes itself. Where for ME I have always interpreted it to mean ''I have#undertaken the process of analyzing and plotting every detail of this character SO deeply that I know them SO well down to even#how they would walk or hold a pencil. and thus because I have such an intimate understanding of every intricacy of their personality. It's#extremely easy to just Put Them Into A Situation and assume exactly how they'd react/ exactly what they'd say because based#on what has factually been determined about them and their personality/worldview/etc. it's just.. literally automatic. The same way that#if you knew a friend's preferences extremely well you could probably easily predict how they'd respond to a birthday gift'' etc.#hmm.. ANYWAY... Which my friend may be an extreme example. I feel like it'd be obvious even for writers without aphantasia to STILL sit#down and plot out details & intimately understand their characters/setting/etc. But the idea that for ANYONE it's like ''yeah I dont have t#think much about designing the layout of a room/place/etc. I just kind of SEE it in my mind and know automatically''.... wild... lol#It makes it seem like I'm always having to do like 500 tons of extra work that other people can just skip .. oughh#''well after writing them for a YEAR and fully conceptualizing their personality and going through 15 sketch drafts. i have FINALLY#decided on an appearance for my character'' ... ''erm.. i have been seeing my character since day 1.. what do you mean?'' ... lol#ANYWAY.. and thank you to those who have sent in asks abt your experiences.. very inchresting.. sorry not posting/responding yet since im#still a bit sick feeling and energy is very scattered/low social ability/etc... even this post i typed over the course of days lol..
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