#if you come in actual good faith and understand the point of the tag i welcome you

[kahluah]

*puts hand up* sorry I’m very new here what’s the context with what’s happening with the tag war??

Alright, I will give my run down, but I will not be naming any blog names on either side even if I have the info and the action was net positive. I just like to use my blog to scroll and reblog for the most part and refuse to embroil myself in the drama more than just giving my view on it as a bystander. One that definitely has an opinion on the events, but also as someone who would rather curate my own experience than fight.

So all this fighting that is going on, it used to just happen in the normal "Jiang Cheng" tag because back then there was no "canon Jiang Cheng" tag; it had not been created yet. (By that I mean it was not a tag used as a tag, Tumblr's shitty search algorithm might still show posts if one typed it in to the search bar because those posts had the words 'canon', 'Jiang', and 'Cheng' in the tags separately, but there would not be posts with "#canon Jiang Cheng" because nobody normally creates a post with a tag like that when "#Jiang Cheng" was suffice. Sometimes I see irrelevant posts in the canon Jiang Cheng tag, but the actual tag isn't on the post, the tags just happen to have all three words in them. Those I ignore because that is Tumblr's fault, not the poster.)

The fighting was between people that like the character and prefer to see the good in him and the interpretation of his character, and those that may or may not like the character (just because you like a character does not mean you need to defend their every action after all) but do not share that opinion of his character and have a more neutral or negative portrayal by contrast. The former also tended to favor or have only read the novel as it is the source material for all other adaptations.

Now things really came to a head when hate and threats were being thrown about on posts that were just quotes from the book showing the negative actions of Jiang Cheng. The people posting the quotes were basically told "if you hate the character why don't you just tag the post as anti-JC?!" but is it really right to call those anti posts when they were posting how the character acts in the source material? That is the character. That is how he acted. Look it is in the book! The character really did that! It is not somebody's negative headcanon that the character may act like that, it is something the character actually did. Personally I can not consider that as an anti character post, and neither did the people who made posts like that.

But things did get heated enough that some people finally took a step back and said "Fine. You want us to make our own space to make these posts so that you do not have to see us talk about JC this way? We will. It will be #canon Jiang Cheng and you can block it if you don't want to see the posts." Was the name picked in the spirit of schadenfreude? Very probable, but it is also not an incorrect name as the people who wanted to use it base their opinion on the novel. But the point was that the tag was created so that people now had their own space to make the posts they wanted and those that did not want to see it could block the tag. Curate your own experience; we can block tags on this site for a reason and advertising tags to block is a courtesy. (Because as said previously, the search here sucks, because the posts contain the character's name they are still likely to show up in the main tag, but block the newly created tag and you will not see those posts either way). Could the other people come into the tag in good faith and make arguments with textual support? Yeah, that was welcomed, but in the spirit of debate they should expect rebuttal. Was that what happened? No.

No instead what happened was basically this meme

They did not like the name chosen for the tag. They read the novel too and still believe that JC is good, so they should be able to use the tag too! Never mind the fact that the tag was made so they could block the posts they didn't want to see. So that they can go on with their days no longer having to deal with the people they constantly fought with. No. Instead of curating the experience of this website, they would get so hung up on the fact that there was now a tag called #canon Jiang Cheng in use that they had to use it too to defend JC from the people that post 'negative' things about him; even if it is novel text!

So while the fighting didn't stop, it did get slightly better because not everyone felt the need to jump into the new tag to defend their fave. Some people actually did curate their experience. Plus there is a block button and people do use it, so things got to a point where I would say it was relatively stable even if there was still fights here and there. (But once again I lurk, I do not participate. Things may not have been the same for more outspoken people).

But then a certain muskrat bought Twitter and a chunk of the fandom there fled here. That's when the main push to "reclaim the tag" and the new influx of people hopping into the tag to argue and defend their fave appeared. These people did not know why the tag was made, they just saw blogs that they liked telling people about the "JC-antis" that made it and how with the new people pouring into the Tumblr fandom from twitter, they had a chance to flood it and reclaim it. And since then the fighting has not really stopped.

As for what has happened in the past few days, you have JC defenders flooding the tag with fan art (not canon), screen caps from CLQ (not canon), and screenshots of a sentence or two from the novel (canon, but usually out of context or lacking additional lines that go on to rebut what was previously said) in the tag and the people who made the tag for a specific purpose getting mad about the spam. (I block so I have no clue how big the influx was or whatever but there was definitely like at least 3 new people I had to block). So when they made posts venting the anger, you got JC defenders coming back to them and going "But I never sent any hate or harassment! I just used the tag to talk about the canon character!" And perhaps they didn't, but these people in their defense always ignore and never respond to the question of why they are in the tag instead of blocking it because that is what the tag was made for. Instead they come back with "Well if you want to talk about JC that way, why don't you post in the anti tag or make your own tag!"... Remember that meme picture I used above. Yup.

The tag war began because people did not like negative posts about JC in the main character tag for JC. When told to use the anti tag or make a new tag, a new tag was made, but instead of curating the experience the stans of JC got so tilted at the name of the tag that they decided that they would come into the tag and continue the fight instead of just blocking it. Twitter fallout made the fighting worse. And now we have come full circle to the JC stans once again telling people to just use the anti tag or make their own tag.

[chanaleah]

Hello, I'd like to ask a question in good faith about israel/Oct 7

I have seen many Jewish folk and israelis say that Oct 7 was the largest Massacre since the holocaust but from my understanding a significantly larger number of Jewish folk were killed and disappeared during the dirty war in Argentina in the 70s and 80s so I was just wondering I guess about why the dirty war doesn't seem as important as Oct 7 or why barely anyone talks about the dirty war because both events are horrific but I only ever see Oct 7 discussed when it comes to more modern Jewish oppression and history

this is a really interesting question, but I'd actually never heard of the dirty war in Argentina up until this point, so I don't I have the knowledge to answer you.

After some quick reading it seems it might be due to the fact that the dirty war seems to have occured over a long span of time, while October 7th was just one day, but that's just my conclusion after some very surface level research.

I'll tag some people who might be able to answer this better than I can.

@historicity-was-already-taken @homochadensistm @native-n-jewish-thoughts @aqlstar @gay-jewish-bucky @newnitz @spale-vosver @magnetothemagnificent

[fluff-lover]

The one that got away (part 2) | Wolverine x fem!Reader

Summary: Your boyfriend broke up with you. Luckily your neighbor and good friend Wade is there to cheer you up. And his good looking roommate is a bonus.

This is based on this Reddit story

Read part 1 HERE

Warning: mature language, Wade Wilson being a menace. Bad writing (please remember English is not my first language, so if you notice something odd please write to me privately).

Note: writing Wade is HARD! Also I couldn't find the owner of that gif, so if it's you let me know.

Tagging @aheadfullofsteverogers because she asked nicely :3

Your days got a little bit better after Ben took his things from your place. Even though you could afford rent on your own, you began to consider getting a roommate, just so you wouldn't be alone, but you weren't in a rush. Instead you focused on your work, your friends, and making your apartment feel like a home again.

You would hang out with Wade and Logan every now and then, when they weren't off somewhere fighting crime, or whatever it is that they do. It didn't take long for Mary Poppins to steal your heart and you offered Al to take care of her whenever they guys were gone. Having the little dog around made your day better: you took her on walks and bought her little outfits and snacks. This little lady was definitely living her best life.

Slow but surely, life started to feel less glum. You knew it would take you time to heal from Ben's betrayal, but you didn't lose faith in love. At night, when the loneliness reached its peak and you wanted nothing but to curl in your bed and cry, you'd remember Logan's words and take comfort in them. 

“You deserve a real man that knows he’s the luckiest motherfucking on this earth, and every other earth, for having you.”

After that day things seemed to shift. You were in no rush to get into another relationship, but there was something about Logan that pulled you in. He could be a real grump around Wade -to be fair, Wade loved pushing Logan's buttons- but you've seen him being sweet to Laura, polite to Blind Al, and even gentle with Mary Poppins. But most importantly, he was a gentleman with you. Always kind and considerate, he would pull out the chair for you, offer you a drink or food whenever you stopped by, wrap you in a blanket during movie nights, and so on. It was so nice to be taken care of, to know there were still good men out there -probably in another timeline, but still counted-.

On Friday evening there was a knock on your door and when you opened you found your favorite mercenary on the other side. 

“Hey Wade, what's up?”

Wade looked all giddy and bounced on his feet.

“I have a massive favor to ask you.”

You made a face.

“Oh-oh, why do I get a bad feeling about this?” you joked.

“Vanessa and I are going to the movies tonight and I need you to come with us.”

You blinked, confused.

“Alright… why? I'm not saying no, but I don't understand why you want me there. Wouldn't I just be getting between the two of you?”

Wade sighed dramatically.

“Believe me, the last thing I want to do is have a group hang out when I'm actually trying to get back together with her. I would rather stick needles under my fingernails. But we're taking things slow, it has to be casual, chill.” He shrugged.

“I thought she was dating someone new?”

“She was but I know from a good source that he ended things with her.” 

You looked at him suspiciously.

“And your source is…?”

Wade looked around awkwardly.

“Okay, alright, I'll admit it. I left a horse's head in the guy's bed with a 

note.”

“Jesus, Wade!” You groaned.

Wade’s eyes softened and looked at you defeated.

“What other option did I have? They’re doing a special screening of Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back, and It’s her favorite!! Please? I don't want to do this alone. I would probably do or say the wrong thing, you know me!” He had a point there. 

You took pity on the poor guy, and you took pride in being a good friend. That being said, you could still have a little fun.

“What's in it for me?” You asked.

“Whatever you want! I can get Petter to give you a really good deal on a Honda Odyssey!”

You shook your head, laughing. 

“Endless tampon supply! I'll tattoo your face on my ass, anything you want!”

“Pass.” You said and Wade groaned. “Why don't you ask Logan?”

“I did, he said I could go fuck myself and that he doesn't want to be a third wheel. But he said he would come if you come too.”

That took you by surprise.

“He did?”

Wade hummed and nodded.

“Pleaseeeee?” He insisted, giving you puppy dog eyes.

“Fine.” You said defeated. “But you owe me.”

Wade drew a cross on his chest and smiled.

“A Deadpool always pays his debts.”

-

There are fates far worse than death…

… like chaperoning Deadpool on a date. 

Logan couldn’t believe what his life had come to be. Of course, his life on this earth was much better than the one he came from, people didn’t hate him, he was well respected. He was THE X-Men. All in all he should be happy.

But dear lord, Wade had a way to make every waking second psychological torture.

He hoped you would say no to Wade’s invitation, not because he didn’t want to see you, but because despite his tough exterior, the idea of going to the movies with his cute neighbor terrified him. He hadn’t been on a date since… he couldn’t remember when. And while he could tell there was chemistry between the two of you, he also knew that you were coming out of a long lasting relationship. Not to mention he didn’t think he was boyfriend material. He was the “worst” Wolverine after all.

So when Wade walked in with a massive smile on his face, hands rubbing together like some sort of evil genius, Logan knew he was fucked.

Dopinder drove you to the cinema, making a quick stop by Vanessa’s to pick her up.

The ride there was pretty joyful, you all tried to put Logan up to speed on Star Wars while he sat quietly on the passenger seat. Meanwhile Wade was sandwiched between you and Vanessa, but he didn’t seem to mind, if anything he liked it.

Once at the cinema, Wade and Logan went to get the tickets while you girls were on snack dutty.

“So…” Vanessa started when you two were alone. “You and Logan?”

“Me and Logan, what?” You asked.

“Wade told me he saw Logan leaving your apartment the other day, looking a bit… indecent.” she said with a wink that made you laugh.

“Wade surely likes to gossip!” You chuckled. “Nah, it wasn’t anything like that. He was there to scare Ben away…”

It felt really good to have a friend you could talk to about these things. You had been dying to tell someone about that evening with Logan. The way he felt protective about you, and how he tried to intimidate Ben.

You couldn’t help but giggle like little girls as you told her about the red lacy teddy he found, your face warming up as you did.

“He really did me a favor with Ben. He made me realize I can do better.” 

“Of course you can do much better than Ben.” Vanessa agreed. “And certain X-Men would be a great step up.” she added bumping shoulders with you.

“Oh please! There’s no way that’s happening. He is way out of my league.” You replied.

“Shut up, you can’t really believe that! He clearly likes you.” your friend insisted. “He scared your ex away, told you you deserved better, he even saw your lingerie and liked it!”

You felt your face getting even hotter.

“He was just being nice.” You mumbled.

Vanessa rolled her eyes and scoffed.

“You’re so blind.” 

“Yeah, I think his hotness melted my retinas.” You joked. “Seriously, he’s way too hot to be two centuries old.”

Meanwhile Wade and Logan were in line to get the tickets, and of course Wade couldn’t stop yapping.

“So, when are you asking Babycakes out on a proper date?” He asked and Logan just growled. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Come on! You obviously like her! And she likes you too. I don’t know why, you’re pretty grumpy. Must be those amazing abs…” Wade rambled. “Don’t pretend I didn’t see you doing the walk of shame the other day, you slut.”

Logan elbowed him. Hard.

“Nothing happened.”

“Nothing R rated, you mean, but something definitely happened.” Wade went on. “I can’t always be your wingman, you know? Tonight is the first step, but after tomorrow you have to start asking her out on your own.”

Logan frowned, confused.

“What the fuck are you going on about?”

“For fucks sake!” Wade said dramatically. “You really think I need you to hold my hand while I take Vanessa to the movies? Hell no! We dated for years, we were engaged at one point.”

“That’s it.” Logan said furious. “I’m leaving.”

“Wait! No! Come on!” Wade pleaded.

“You lied to me.” Logan snarled. “For some fucking reason I decided to do something nice, just once, for you when you asked for help, and this is what I get.”

“Exactly!” Wade said, completely missing the point. “You get to go on a little date with the cute neighbor you have a crush on.”

“I don’t have a crush.”

“Whatever you say, Wolvie. Now shush, they’re coming!” Wade said before turning to you and Vanessa as you approached them, arms full of candy and snacks.

“Everything okay?” Vanessa asked as she noticed Logan shooting daggers at Wade.

“Just peachy.” Logan growled.

-

Vanessa and Wade were sited a few rows ahead of you, giving you a clear view of them as the movie played. Vanessa looked ahead, and you could picture her reciting each line by heart. 

But Wade? He didn’t watch the movie, he watched her. Your heart melted as you saw your friend quietly -and not so quietly- pinning for this woman. It was like he was trying to memorize Vanessa’s face, every single part of it.

You sighed, wishing someone would look at you like that.

Surprisingly Logan seemed to have a good time. He hoarded a bag of Sour Patch, which you found fitting. Every once in a while your hands would touch as you both reached for some popcorn, and you felt so silly thinking there was a sparkle there, as if life was some sort of rom-com. But you just couldn’t help it. He was handsome, strong and mysterious, yet so kind to you.

“Why is the green puppet talking like that?” He asked at one point. You giggled.

“Yoda? Oh he’s just like that, he’s very wise tho.”

“Eh, he’s creeping me out.”

You couldn’t help but laugh at his comment, but suddenly stopped when a man in a row behind you rudely told you to shut up. You made yourself  small in your seat, until Logan turned to the man with an intimidating look.

“Don’t tell her to shut up. You shut up, you fucking asshole.” 

The man backed off, clearly afraid of him.

When Logan looked back at you, you were trying hard not to laugh. 

“Thank you.” You whispered.

“Never stop laughing, gorgeous.” He said before lifting his arm and placing it over your seat, around your shoulders. You smiled and leaned your head on his shoulder.

A few rows ahead, Wade had a massive smile on his face.

“I cannot wait to be Wolvie’s best man at their wedding!”

-

Once the movie ended you and Logan joined Wade and Vanessa outside the movie theater. The two of them had a sickly sweet look on their faces and you could tell they were still very much in love despite having broken up.

“So, um…” for the first time ever, Wade Wilson didn’t know what to say.

“How about you walk Vanessa home?” Logan told him. 

Wade quickly got the hint. Vanessa simply smiled and took Wade by the hand.

“I’d like that.”

You said goodnight and parted ways. Once you were far away from them you turned to Logan.

“That was very sweet of you. Helping Wade like that.”

Logan shrugged.

“I guess I’m just tired of hearing him whine and complain about being heartbroken. I swear, if I have to hear Careless Whisper one more time…” He groaned.

“He really likes Wham!” You chuckled before grabbing him by the sleeve of his jacket and pulling him to a side. “Come on! We’re getting ice cream!”

Logan was a “mint and chocolate chips” kind of man, while you were all about the sugary toppins. Ben used to tease you about it, saying you ate like a child, but Logan didn’t seem to mind.

While enjoying the sweet treat, you walked aimlessly through the night, talking about anything and everything. You told him about your childhood, your family and your job. He told you about the X-Men, about wanting to get a new motorcycle, and his work at the TVA. You wanted to ask him a million questions, but you knew he was a private man, so you stayed far away from touchy subjects.

Eventually you made it to the building and Logan, being a perfect gentleman, walked you to your door.

“Tonight was fun!” You smiled.

“It was but don’t tell Wade, it will go straight to his head.” Logan said and you chuckled. He then cleared his throat and squared his shoulders, as if he was getting ready to say something important. “If it’s not too much to ask, I would like to do it again.” Then he rolled his eyes. “Minus the other two, of course. As lovely as Vanessa is, Wade can be…” he said annoyed.

You laughed.

“I know what you mean. I would like that too.” You saw Logan visibly relax and then smile. He had a beautiful smile, so much so it made your knees go weak. “So… it’s a date?” You asked with a teasing tone.

“It’s a date.” Logan said with a nod.

You felt giddy, like a teenager about to go to prom. Without even thinking you took a step closer. Loga’s mind seemed to go in the same direction as he placed his hands on your hips and pulled you even closer. He started leaning in, but suddenly stopped.

“I… I haven’t done this in a long time.” he confessed in a whisper, embarrassed.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”

“That’s the thing, gorgeous. I want to, I really do.”

You placed your hands on his forearms and slowly moved them up to his shoulders. 

“There’s nothing to be afraid of, then. Close your eyes.”

He did as you told him, and then you leaned up and pressed your lips gently against his. It was a simple and sweet kiss, but it was the right step towards something bigger.

Logan felt your lips curl into a smile against his. He could sense the scent of your shampoo coming off your hair. He felt your warm hands caressing his shoulders and neck. Your breath against his face, your heartbeat against his chest…

And it feels like home…

That little kiss turned into another, and then another, and then mutated into something deeper, more passionate.

Logan’s hands felt huge on you, one palm covering most of your waist, the other moving up to the back of your head, pulling your hair sensually.

You were about to let out the filthiest, nastiest moan when you heard a door open and your name being called.

You and Logan pulled apart and turned to your door. There, standing inside your apartment, was your ex-boyfriend, Ben.

---

[astermath]

nemesis; part two.

pairing: carmen berzatto x fem!reader

summary: with carmen reworking the restaurant, you’d think his mind would be far too occupied to even think about anything else. yet he can’t shake the guilt from what he’d put you through a month prior. after some talks in therapy, he decides to take a leap of faith and see if he can talk it out with you. he not only wants to convince you that he can be better, but he's got an offer for you too. one you truly can't refuse.

♡ landing page ♡

word count: 4.9K

tags: carmen being unsure about his feelings but trying to be better episode 3265742, letting reader in a little more, APOLOGIES!!!, cursing ig, carm goes to therapy yippee, syd being the absolute realest, regular font below!

notes: sorry this took literally forever omg, I lost my carmen muse for a bit but we are SO back baby. I missed him so much and so sorry if some things don't follow the canon completely (I've been watching season 2 on and off bc I've been so busy lol BUT my fics never follow the canon completely anyways),, hope u guys enjoy and let me know if you'd like a part three ;))

lmk if you'd like to be added to the tag list for further carmen berzatto related content! comments and reblogs are highly appreciated!

Carmen’s life hadn’t known a moment of mental rest in ages. If you asked him when he last sat down with his thoughts or acknowledged his mental anguish, he probably would have said he couldn’t remember the last time. If ever.

With plans to completely revamp The Beef and everything that came with it, now his feelings should be the last thing on his mind. Renovation plans, unforeseen costs and a completely new menu, sure, he could worry his ass off about those, but feelings? Absolutely not. Good thing he was usually so good at suppressing those anyways.

So why was it that he couldn’t shake the thought of what he did to you?

Why, every time he had a moment to himself, would he be overtaken by this intense feeling of guilt? He didn’t even have to be alone, just a second of quiet and the image of you crying in distress would intrude on his thoughts.

It was getting to a point where he’d told his sister, Natalie, about it. Well, not all of it, he wasn’t even sure if he knew all of it. Just that he knows he hurt you, and that coming to terms with what he projected onto you might be a good first step in understanding himself better.

Or maybe it was something more along the lines of “I gotta talk my shit to some people”. Probably that.

To his surprise, it was actually helping. Besides the group therapy sessions where he’d talk about Mikey, the business and his future, he was talking to other people in his life too. Even told Sydney about you, kind of on accident. The words just seemed to… Flow out. It was probably the exhaustion doing its thing.

“I guess I just felt like,” he kept his eyes on the floor he was sweeping, “she was doing it all to fuck with me. I don’t even know where I got the sick idea that she had some obsession over me, but it— it drove me at the same time. It’s like her being on my heels at every aspect of culinary school just made me want to try even harder.”

“Maybe you painted her in that light because you knew it was a good way to keep pushing yourself.” Sydney spoke almost absentmindedly, sweeping the other side of the room. She listened to everything he said in the meantime, and though what he was telling her was a bit worrying, she was glad they got to have talks like this. Carmen often doesn’t like to bring up his past like that.

“Huh,” he paused sweeping for a moment, “yeah… yeah, maybe. Or maybe it was something else.”

Sydney wasn’t even sure he knew what he was referring to. It sounded like something entirely different, like a crush, but what kind of person treats their crushes like that?

Probably an overworked, pressured, overachieving culinary student with a dangerous need for validation. But she wasn’t about to tell him that.

“So yeah, I visited her restaurant, and… It just felt the exact same as back in New York, you know? Like she was rubbing it in my face again, and— and I know that sounds insane, or conceited, but I just can’t let it go. It’s like the thought of her is stuck to my brain like a stubborn piece of gum.” He wanted to smack himself for that stupid analogy, but what was said was said.

“So how’d you handle it?” Sydney’s head perked up, some of her braids now draping over her shoulders.

“Handle what?” Carmen became more and more uneasy the more he talked about you. Like his chest was tight, it was uncomfortable, but not in the way he was when the health inspection came by, it was different. Weirder. Unfamiliar. He didn’t like it, because he didn’t understand it.

“The talk with her.” She emptied the last bit of dust into the trash bag.

“Oh,” his mind took him back to the parking lot a month ago. The way he could almost taste the tears of your skin from how close he stood, he could hear the shakiness of your breath and the profound desperation in your voice when you apologized to him, when you really had no reason to.

If it was still so clear in his mind, then what must it be like for you?

“Carmen?” Sydney snapped him out of his oncoming train of thought.

“Yeah? Sorry, I— Uh, I don’t know it was…” He runs a hand through his hair, suddenly finding it in his best interest to look anywhere else but her face. “Bad. It was— It was bad.” He looks a bit shameful when he meets her eyes. “I fucked up. I like, went all New York boss on her. And then I just… Left.”

His colleague just stares at him for a moment. She knew what he was like when he snapped like that, but that was with his staff, people he liked. So how badly did he snap on you, a person he’d been resenting for years?

“I’m gonna go take out this trash, and uh… Head home.” She lifts the grey plastic bag she was holding. “But uh, Carm?”

“Yeah?”

“You got issues, man.” She has a bit of an awkward smile on her face, but he knows she means it. He knows she’s right. She usually is.

He nods, silently, letting her words sink in. He did have issues, everyone knew that, but most people didn’t just say it. That’s why he liked Sydney, she was so real, so honest. She was so good for the business, for the kitchen. And maybe her saying that to him was all part of grounding him in the reality of it all. Of his issues, just that they existed.

“Heard.” he says. His voice comes out raspier than he expected, like he’s struggling to say it.

“Goodnight, chef.”

“Night.”

He’d thought about what Sydney said the entire night. He does have issues, he knows that, he’s just mad at himself for letting everything get this far before seeking help. It scares him. Because it reminds him too much of Mikey. Or what he heard about him when things got bad.

He doesn’t want to make the same mistakes his brother did. Lock people out of his life just because it seems easier, because it’s better to minimize the damage than to figure out why you’re doing damage at all. And yes it’s uncomfortable, yes it’s scary, terrifying even. But he keeps being reminded of how it must feel for you.

It’s something he’d never considered before. He always thought he had you all figured out, all fake smiles and backhanded compliments to distract him. It never occurred to him to just… Ask. It was always just easier to assume. It fit his view of you and it kept him going, even if it was at the expense of ever getting to know you at all.

He’s hoping he can change that with a few text messages and a long, probably uncomfortable, talk over coffee. Just hoping, trying, that’s really all he can do. He’s well aware of how bad he is at communicating, but he has to give it a shot. For you, at least.

He stares at his phone screen for far longer than is necessary, continuously rereading the messages he’d typed. His eyes keep flicking to your contact, making sure he sent it to the right person. The only thing you two had texted about before was a time and place for him to try your new restaurant. His heart aches at the exclamation points and emojis you’d sent; you were so excited, and he drove all that excitement straight into the ground.

He closes his eyes and shuts off the phone. His chest hurts, like he’s been holding his breath the entire time. Maybe he has. You could have that effect on him, making it harder to breathe. He always wondered why he had such nervous reactions around you specifically. He always figured it had to do with your one sided rivalry, but it feels… Different. More complex.

Your eyes are finally peeled off your computer screen when numerous phone notifications alarm you. Truth be told, you’ve been trying your best to keep yourself occupied as much as possible. That usually helps when you get waves of emotions like this, keeping busy, distracting your mind from overthinking.

Ever since your last encounter with Carmen, you’ve been so on edge. Always trying to do something, anything, so you wouldn’t have to think about what happened, why he acted like that to you. Because you know if you did, you’d just start blaming yourself again, and you’d be back to square one.

Your eyebrows raise at the name of the contact. You were sure he’d blocked you, or at least deleted your number after last time. He was avoidant like that, and frankly, you weren’t sure if you wanted him to talk to you again after that anyways. Maybe it was just to drive the point home, make you feel even more worthless.

Still, you were curious. Even if it was just to cuss you out even more, at least you knew what to expect, right?

[carmen]: hey, I really want to talk to you about what happened last time.

[carmen]: well

[carmen]: I want to apologise

[carmen]: but I can’t do that like this

[carmen]: I’d much rather do it in person

[carmen]: if you’d let me

[carmen]: meet me at odette’s tomorrow around 10? coffee’s on me, I just want to talk

[carmen]: please

The last message was sent minutes later than the rest, while you were reading them. He was desperate for an answer, and though you wanted to hear him out, to talk to him, something in you felt off about the whole thing. Like he was just doing this to clear off his own guilt, only to then ditch you just like he ditched you after culinary school. Because you’re rivals, apparently. That’s what you do.

But then there’s something else in you too. The part that’s still nostalgic about New York with him. About the glances back and forth when you were timed on preparing certain things, about the way he’d stare at you when you got feedback, the ignorant bliss you lived in. When you still believed he might have liked you just a little.

That part of you takes the upper hand when you reply and take his offer. Your heart is in your throat, nerves overtaking you already and you weren’t even with him yet. He had that effect on you sometimes, making it harder to breathe.

You wondered what that meant.

Carmen sits alone at a booth, all the way at the back of the café he’d chosen. It’s rather quiet, as most Mondays are, yet at the same time, it’s so loud. Loud in the way he hears the clinking of every spoon against porcelain cups, the crinkling of a napkin and the not so subtle ticking of the clock above the entrance. 10:06. You were late.

Suddenly he's filled with more regret than he's ever felt before. He's not ready to see you again, only to be reminded of how he made you cry, and of his own tumultuous emotions and shortcomings that lead to this moment. It's surprising how fast the emotions he associates with you changed; he's not angry anymore, he's scared, guilty, nervous. He wants to see you so bad and yet he feels like you'd be better off never talking to him again.

It's too late to make a run for it when you finally walk through the door. Hair a little damp from the rain, just a bit disheveled from what he could only assume to be rushing over to the café. And that same angelic smile you offer to the barista that greets you, the same one you'd offer him every morning, whether he looked at you or not.

He had no choice but to look now.

Your smile falters into something more nervous, a little melancholic, when your eyes meet his across the café. Though you knew he was going to be there, something in you feels surprised to see him again. Maybe it’s because he isn’t yelling at you or throwing insults at your head this time. Or maybe because he’s actually looking you in the eye. Since when did he get so good at that?

You sit down across him, taking off your coat and putting your bag besides you.

“Hey.” You smile again, much more awkward this time.

“Hey.” He returns the same thin lipped smile.

It’s quiet for a few seconds. Carmen swears the whole café has gone silent in that moment, leaving the two of you to listen to the sound of your own breathing and heartrate picking up. You’re not sure where to look, not being used to being in such an intimate setting with him.

“Do you want a coffee?”

“Sorry I was late.”

You both talk over each other, and the urge to chuckle about it overtakes you. Carmen can’t help but smile as well. You seem nervous, and somehow that puts him a little more at ease. Like he’s not the only one who’s in their head about it.

“Sorry, I, uhm, yeah— I would like a coffee.” You scramble over your words. “Please.”

“Sure,” he nods, “and no worries.”

“Hm?”

“That you were late. I haven’t been here that long either.” He lied. He’d been there half an hour early, cursing himself for letting him sit along with his thoughts for that long and psyching himself out into almost leaving.

You both order and another heavy silence sits between you two. You both know why you’re there, what needs to be talked about. Yet neither of you know how to bring it up.

You’ve lived most of your lives believing this version of each other you had in your minds. Because it kept you grounded. Because it was easier. He never let you in and for the longest time, you were at peace with that. You could have a slightly distant view of who he was, your classmate, your rival. And he could do the same. Keep you out, pretend you were there to keep him on his toes, to always try to outdo him.

Those facades of each other don’t work anymore. The real world has forced you to reconcile with each other, whether you liked it or not.

Your coffee gets brought to your table, and both of you feel this urgency to say something, anything, at least.

“The pastries here are good too, if you want to get one.” He finally broke the awkward silence. He can start with talking about food, something he knows. If all else fails, resort back to that.

“I haven’t tried a pastry besides my own in a long time. Maybe I could learn a thing or two here.” You admit. He knows that feeling. He’s not nearly as adventurous with his food choices as he wants to be, but as a busy chef on the brink of a new entrepreneurship, it’s usually beef sandwiches and frozen meals.

“I think yours were better though.” He takes a sip of his coffee.

“Huh?” You look up, realizing you were avoiding eye contact by staring into your cup.

“The danish I tried at your place. It was fire.”

“Oh. Right. Thank you, we make everything from scratch.”

“I could tell.” He takes another sip. “I guess I— I kinda forgot to tell you that. In the heat of it all.” He huffs to himself. “Food was so good it made me upset.”

“Upset?” His word use frustrates you. Upset is when they forget to give you your sauce with your order. What happened back there was not upset. That was rage. Wrath. You raise an eyebrow and he realizes he said something wrong.

“Well, more than upset. Listen, I— We need to talk about what happened.” His blue eyes peer into your own. They’re almost distracting enough to avoid you noticing his fidgeting hands.

“I’m listening.” You lean back slightly in your seat. You’d played nice with Carmen all your life, given him every chance to return it. Now it was his turn to try.

"Right." Of course he has to talk. It's his fault, isn't it? He's the one who snapped-- why did he even imply you'd have to explain yourself? He runs a hand through his hair, and there he goes again, eyes darting across the café to find something to focus on as he sought out the right words. You'd almost find it endearing, how bad he is at this, if it wasn't so important to you.

"You don't do this often, do you?"

"What, like-- meeting up for coffee?"

"Talking about stuff. Your feelings and shit." You hid your slightly amused smile behind your coffee cup before taking a small sip.

"Oh. Yeah, no, I-- I don't. Not until recently." He takes a deep breath. Just like they had told him to. “I’ve been going to this therapy thing my sister recommended. S’not much, but… It’s a start. Talked about the restaurant, my brother—“

“Your brother?” Your eyebrows raise slightly.

“Yeah, my— my brother. Mikey.” He looks a bit surprised. He’s come to the shattering realization that he’s never told you anything about his personal life, ever. You don’t even know about one of the most important people in his life, his main drive. You’ve known each other for so long yet you know so little. “I never told you about him?”

“You never told me anything.” You answer curtly. “We never really… Talked, you know?”

“Yeah— yeah, you’re right. I just thought… Wow.” He smiles, more out of shock than anything. He feels so stupid. How immature is it to be feuding this much with a person who doesn’t know anything about you?

“I guess I really don’t know much about you either.” His fingers rake through his messy curls again. “Makes me feel like even more of an idiot for going off on you like that. Like I had you all figured out.”

“Yeah, that was uh... That was something." The mood shifts a little. His smile fades as soon as he sees the melancholy in your eyes return. Of course it wouldn't be that easy for you to forgive him, to feel better about all this. "You know, I never knew you thought of me like that." A small smile graces your features. Somehow it's sadder than the expression you had before.

"I mean, I knew you didn't like me. I was pretty much at peace with the fact that you were never going to like me, either. But I never thought you hated me that much." You sniffle, trying your hardest to blink away any oncoming tears. "Like your life, your entire career, would have been easier without me there at all."

His heart aches at the sight of you, all teary eyed and trying to be brave. You're much braver than him. Sadness is a much harder thing to express than anger. He's starting to figure that out more and more.

"I don't hate you." He starts. He sees the confusion contort your features, and he knows he's not making any sense. "I mean I did-- I did hate you. Or, maybe not you, just... The fucked up idea I had of you. And-- and that was on me, that was my own fault." He feels an urge to touch you; to rub your back, hold your hand, anything to comfort you. It's tearing him apart to know that he's the cause of all this.

"But why?" A single tear rolls down your cheek, leaving a wet streak on your skin in its wake. "Why did you think that about me? I-- I get that we had a little rivalry going but jesus Carmen, did you really think I spent my whole culinary school career trying to outdo you?"

"To be honest... Yeah." He feels ashamed. So ashamed. He hopes the waitress doesn't walk by and listen to any of this, see you crying, and make you feel even worse. "Cooking was always just... My thing. If I was good for anything, it would be that. So seeing you do so well at something I'd started to base my whole existence around, it made me jealous, so fucking jealous." He meets your eyes, even if it's hard. You have to know he's being sincere.

"And it's-- it's unfair, it's so unfair to you, I know, and I'm really fuckin' sorry. I'm trying to work on myself, on everything, and I hope I can prove that to you." His face has that red tint you recognize whenever he's nervous or stressed. You can tell this is taking a lot from him.

"Is that really all? You were just jealous?" Your voice is quieter, fragile almost.

"I don't know. I wanna think it's that simple but I really don't know. There's a lot I don't understand about me, or you, or us. My mind doesn't know how to react when I see you anymore I think, now that things are different." He takes a deep breath, like saying that took a physical toll on him. "You have this-- this weird effect on me, and I don't know how to cope with it. I think it was just easier to be mad at you than to be anything else."

Anger is easier to express than sadness. The easiest out of all emotions, actually. Sometimes a little too easy.

You look to the side, wiping your cheek with the back of your hand. You huff out something close to a laugh, and though he’s caught off guard by it, he doesn’t mind it. Even if you’re laughing at him, at least that means you’re not crying.

“You’ve got issues Berzatto. You know that?”

“Yeah. I’ve been told.” He smiles, and it’s heartfelt this time. Not nervous, or sad, or awkward. He’s happy to see you a little more at ease.

“It’s just really crazy to me.” You trace your finger over the edge of your coffee cup as you talk. “I spent so much time in culinary school looking up to you. And then I find out you were always just trying to keep up with me.”

Carmen’s eyebrows raise a little at your words. “Looked up to me?”

“Yeah, like… Your drive, your passion, it’s so impressive. Always looking to improve, to do better, it just— it inspired me to do better too. As cheesy as that may sound.” You smiled. “S’why I opened up in Chicago, you know.”

“Really? Huh.” He leaned back in his seat.

“Because I wanted to work with you. Or for you. Either would have been fine with me.” You sigh. “I like owning my own place, but… I don’t know, for some reason I always imagined us working together.” You smiled. “Is that stupid?”

“No,” he replied quickly, “no not at all, I— I totally get that.” He’s quiet for a few seconds, and you can practically hear the gears turning in his head when he stares at you for a moment.

“I mean you’re a remarkable chef, really, like— insanely remarkable, and, well, we’re revamping the restaurant completely right now. We need people— more people, new people, and so, I was wondering— or I’ve been thinking—“ He stops himself from losing his breath from all his rambling, before he freaks you out even more than he already has.

“I want you to come work for us at the Bear.” He puts his hands together, as if he’s about to beg. “Please.”

You can almost hear yourself blinking out of confusion. There’s suddenly no more loud silences, no, the café seems dead quiet for once. All you can do is stare at him, wait for a laugh, because clearly this was a joke right? There’s no way Carmen Berzatto, chef supreme, arch nemesis of yours, would want you anywhere near him, let alone work in his own establishment.

“I’m sorry?”

He feels stupid already. You had every reason to say no. He’d been the biggest asshole in the world to you, he’d kept his distance all his life, and now he expects you to be his employee. Or, well, colleague, more so.

“I’m uh— we’re redoing the restaurant entirely. New equipment, new staff, new everything.” He swallows; the thought of everything that needed to be done arises for a moment. “We need people that work hard, who know what they’re doing and who are passionate about it. And I barely know anyone who’s better at what you do than yourself.” He pauses, waiting for you to stop him. But you don’t.

“So I’m asking if you’d work for me. With me. It won’t be anything like old days, if anything I— I need to learn from you.” He scoffs at himself. “Could take a thing or two about how to communicate with my staff.”

You smile, and he genuinely thinks you’re about to start laughing at him. You chuckle, but it’s not mean, it’s honest. Cute.

“You know, you have great timing.” You grin.

“I do?” the smile on his face reflects the hope he feels.

“One of my chefs wants to take over the place for me. Well, has been wanting to. I haven’t had an exact reason to say yes to her yet.” You shrugged. “Guess I do now.”

“…Is that you saying yes?”

“It’s definitely not me saying no.” Your eyes meet his, and there’s something between you both that’s different now. It’s not like there’s a switch that’s been flipped. It‘s more like this conversation was the turning page of a new chapter.

“I’ll think about it. I want to see it first. Maybe talk to some of your staff.” Carmen’s chest strains a little when he thinks about you interacting with Richie. Then he’s reassured when he thinks about you interacting with Sydney or Marcus. You’d fit in well, you have great feeling for people.

“Yeah— yeah, I get that. Totally. I can arrange that. Uhm, we’re renovating right now, actually, it’s all really kinda wild, but if you wanna stop by, chat with Syd, or Nat, or talk about the plans, let me know. I’m sure they’d love to talk to you.” He’s not lying, you seem like you’d get along well with them. Especially Sydney. Your thinking processes are very similar to each other. And to his.

Carmen gets the bill, even though you try to pay for it.

“It’s just a coffee, just let me get this one.”

You let him have this one, simply because you can’t argue with him after the conversation you just had. You’re in too good of a mood after his proposition too.

He walks you to your car, hands in his pockets when you reach it. It’s cold outside, and his breath comes out in visible puffs of air. His nose is a little red, but you think it looks cute.

“Thanks for coming, by the way,” he starts, “I know you didn’t have to. Like— after how I acted to you. But— But I really do appreciate that you’re givin' me a chance here.” He’d always been confused about how positive and faithful you were in people. He never thought he’d be grateful for those exact features too.

“No worries, I… I had a good time. I’m glad we talked.” The keys jingle as you fidget with them. Among them is a keychain in the shape of a cherry, he recognizes it. It reminds him of how little you’ve both changed. And how much.

“Yeah.” He sighs. Relieved, almost. “Me too. But I’ll let you leave, might wanna tell your chef the good news.”

“Good news?” You quirk an eyebrow.

“That you’re selling them the business.”

“I haven’t decided yet, Carm.” You scoff. But he can tell you have, you look too excited about it all to not have your mind made up yet. It excites him too. Scares him a bit as well, but what’s a new chapter without a bit of tension?

“Right. Sorry.” He huffs. “Just text me when you wanna head over to see the place. It’s uh… It’s a work in progress, but it’s getting somewhere.”

“I believe you. I’m looking forward to it.” You lean back against your car a little.

“Yeah. Me too.”

“See y’around?” You unlock it and walk up to the driver’s side.

“Course. Uh, don’t be a stranger.”

You grin, leaning down to get into the vehicle. “Never with you, Berzatto.”

He watches you drive off, standing in the cold for far longer than any sensible person has any business standing there. But he feels good. He feels warm.

He thinks about what you said to him before you left. You were right, you were never a stranger to him. You were always like a constant in his life; whether you were actually present or not. And even if he didn’t know that much about you, which he was insistent on changing, you were never a stranger.

Never with him.

tag list <3

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[lendeah]

Eclipsed Reverie

Pairing: AstarionxFem!Tav

Summary: As the final battle with the Nether Brain looms, Astarion and Tav share a bittersweet night together, their hearts heavy with the knowledge that it may be their last.

Tags: fluff, smut and a tiny bit of angst. Very soft Astarion :( also biting stuff!

Word count: 5.3k

Warnings: NSFW (minors dni).

Under the shadowed canopy of the Baldur's Gate night, Astarion and I found a momentary reprieve from the impending battle. We have been strategizing the whole evening, and at this point there is nothing more we can do except rely on each other. I look at the man next to me, wondering when did we go from strategizing allies to something more. The moonlight catches the contours of Astarion's face, revealing a vulnerability that transcends his usual cheeky demeanor. There's a shared understanding in the silence, and as our eyes meet, unspoken words linger in the air. Despite his usual aristocratic charm, it now feels damp and heavy. Even with his vampiric strength, he seems weakened by the recent events. The battle against Gortash had taken its toll, leaving both Gale and Shadowheart heavily wounded.

The air is heavy with tension, but a shared understanding lingers between us two. "Are you scared?" I break the silence, although I already know the answer.

"Terrified, actually." Astarion turns to face me, expression serious for once, his red eyes gleaming softly in the night in a way that's somehow comforting. "I know that we've already faced worse odds together, but this time feels different, you know? Like, if anything happened to either one of us, it would rip the other's heart apart."

I force a little smile. "Good thing you don't have a heart then, or I'd be worried"

He snorts softly, smiling back at me. "Oh, the ever-present stereotype of heartless vampires. But fear not, my dear, I still have plenty of heart left - just not the beating kind you may be envisioning." A small laugh escapes my lips at his words, breaking the tension between us.

After a beat, he looks at me and reaches my hand across the blanklet we are sitting in, his voice dropping to a whisper. "And you, my dear, are you scared?"

I hold his gaze, feeling a shiver run down my spine at the intensity. "Of course I am," I reply softly. "But I have faith in us, Astarion. We've faced so much together and we always come out stronger."

He nods "You're right," he says, a hint of pride in his voice. "We make a good team." he makes a little pause, and adds "Mainly thanks to me, of course. My lethal blattle skills are the only reason you weirdos are still breathing."

Astarion's usual smugness returns as he breaks the intense moment between us. I roll my eyes, knowing that deep down he's just masking his own fears with his bravado. But I also know that his skills in battle are not to be underestimated. He has saved our group from countless threats with his agility and cunning tactics.

"Let's just hope our luck holds out," I reply, trying to convince myself more than him.

"Oh come on, have a little faith in me," Astarion teases, nudging me playfully. "I may be a vampire but I'm not invincible. I need all the help I can get."

I chuckle, squeezing his hand. As we continue to bask in the moonlit serenity, a gentle breeze rustles the leaves above us, carrying with it the distant sounds of the city. From the rooftop of this abandoned building we are alble to look at the whole city, the small lights flickering in the night. I look at him, and find him staring at the view lost in his own thoughts. I fight the urge to scream how utterly frightened I am of losing him, of losing all our friends. Of not being able to save the people of Baldur's Gate. That everything we did, every death, was for nothing.

When his gaze returns to me, I can sense he sees past my facade, his eyes full of understanding and acceptance. "It's funny you are scared right now," he muses, his gaze searching mine, "there are so many things that you fearlessly face every day. Battling against a horde of mind flayers? Easy. Blowing up a whole building full of firework? A piece of cake. But sleeping among a throng of grunting and snoring druids? That's enough to make you quiver with dread." I laugh, thinking back to the time when I almost had a heart attack when I heard Halsin's snores, thinking there was a boar in the camp.

With a small smile, he pulls me to him, and lets his lips brush against my forehead in a tender gesture. The warmth of his touch soothes away some of my anxiety. I look up at Astarion, and the emotions I've been holding back start surging through me. "I can't bear to lose you," I say, barely above a tremble. He deserves happiness after all he's been through, and I just wish I could give it to him.

"It's funny you should say that... Because I'd say the exact same thing about you." His hand wraps around mine, his other hand moving up to gently cup my face. "I've tried for 200 years to find a purpose, a reason to keep going, and it was only when I met you that this aimless meandering had a goal. I've loved others, and I've been loved before, but never like this. Never with someone like you."

A surge of warmth fills my chest as I listen to his words, and I can't help but lean into his touch. Astarion's eyes are soft and full of sincerity, a side of him that he rarely shows. But in this moment, with the weight of the world on our shoulders, he is opening up to me.

"I've never felt like I belonged anywhere before," he continues, running his thumb along my cheekbone. "But with you and the others...I finally feel like I have a home."

In that moment, my vulnerability and affection shines through as a tear slids down my cheek. He pulls me closer, the embrace is warm and desperate, with my face pressed against his skin as if trying to take in every part of him. His scent is intoxicating - leather and smoke blending together - and I can't help but breathe it in deeply, etching it into my memory like a treasure. I tenderly press my lips to the bite mark on his neck, knowing it’s his sensitive spot. He inhales sharply, his breath hitching at the sensation of my mouth on him. I feel his hands grip onto me, needing to keep me close, and I end up nestled on top of him, our bodies fitting together perfectly like puzzle pieces.

"You know... I am not ashamed to admit that I have never felt the kind of attraction I feel for you. Even those first days in the grove with you... My heart was pounding, because I thought you were so incredibly beautiful. I was so drawn to you, it was like you were made just for me and me alone." I blush slightly in response, realizing I will probably never get used to this. Never get used to him.

"I liked you since you put a dagger in my throat and I headbutted you so hard you almost passed out" I whisper in his ear, with a small smile playing on my lips.

"That was an excellent headbutt, though. I couldn't believe you were able to stand immediately after that." He shakes his head, smiling as he presses a series of kisses to my hair, my cheeks, and finally, his lips find mine.

I sigh against him, his touch so very familiar, his mouth awakening something in me from the moment it touches mine. As our kiss deepens, I feel my body melting into his, my arms wrapping around his neck as his hands roam over my back and waist. The heat between us is intoxicating, and I can't get enough of him. My hands tangle in his hair, pulling him closer as our tongues dance together in a passionate rhythm. His hands gently trail up my sides, fingertips caressing my body softly through my clothes, while his tongue dancing with mine in a rhythm that I have become all too privy to.

Desire sweeps over me like a wave crashing against the shore, my senses heightened to the point of almost overwhelming. I force myself to pull away for just a few seconds, needing to catch my breath and take in the sight before me. His once bright, piercing eyes have now transformed into pools of darkness, consumed by an insatiable hunger. I look at his lips, parted and glistening, showing those fangs I have grown to love so much.

"My love," I whisper, my voice trembling with anticipation. "Would you like to feed on me?" It's a question I have asked countless times before, but each time feels like the first, igniting a fire within me that can only be quenched by his bite.

There's a flicker of surprise, and then satisfaction, on his face as I ask him. His eyes flicker downward, his gaze wandering down my neck, tracing every vein he'll find there. His nose flares, breath growing heavy and my body thrums with anticipation and excitement. When he looks back at me, the hunger in his eyes grows, and with a small chuckle, he lets out a slow breath.

"My dear... You know I could never say no to such delicious meal."

My breath hitches, as his hands confidently and carefully press me onto my back, his fingers gently removing the collar of my shirt to reveal my neck. I take a deep breath, bracing myself for what's to come. He brushes away a strand of hair that has fallen across my face, just like he did the first time he fed on me all those months ago. His strong hands hold me steady as he leans in, and the warmth of his breath washes over me. I have to fight the urge to squirm as his lips press against my skin, trailing down to my collarbone where his teeth break through the surface. A sharp sting pierced my skin, and I can’t help but let out a moan. I can feel his tongue swirling around the wound as he feeds, his breathing becoming more labored with each passing second. My heartbeat races with excitement as Astarion's teeth sank deeper into my neck, drawing out more blood. He growls softly, his grip on me tightening as he feeds greedily. The world around me begins to fade as the vampire venom courses through my veins, clouding my mind and heightening my senses. He bit again, this time just below the first wound, and I could feel myself growing weaker yet more alive at the same time. The lack of blood starts to get to my mind, making me lightheaded. It was both terrifying and arousing, knowing that I was being drained of life while also experiencing a rush of pleasure unlike anything else.

He keeps the bite going for just a little bit longer, before eventually pulling away.

"Mmmm. I always worry that I'll drink too much from you, but you always seem to make it through just fine?" he says, his voice rough with desire.

I laugh groggily "I think I enjoy myself a little too much when you drink from me".

Astarion chuckles softly, a hand stroking my neck affectionately.

"As much as I hate to admit it, you're quite delicious. There's something about your flavor that keeps me coming back for more." he purred, flashing a sly grin. "Just like how you can't resist my charms. Always coming back like a pretty little pup."

I roll my eyes playfully at his cocky remark but can't help the small smile that tugs at my lips. My thoughts are interrupted as Astarion shifts closer again. His body presses against mine and I can feel his breath on my face as he leans in. Our eyes lock for a brief moment before our lips meet in a passionate kiss.

He tastes like blood and something else entirely that is uniquely Astarion. It's an intoxicating combination that leaves my head dizzy with desire, making me want more.

I reach to the back of his head and curl my fingers in his soft strands of white hair, giving it a sharp tug. He groans, and I deepen the kiss, electricity cursing through me as I grab at every piece of him that I can. Every kiss grows longer and deeper, and I cling to him like I will drown without him, wanting nothing more than to spend what's left of tonight buried in his touch. His breathing grows heavier, but his grip on me is firm, steady. His hands wander over my body, one trailing down my waist and the other moving upwards slowly, to slide beneath my shirt.

"Mmm - my my, look at you." His whisper is filled with a teasing affection. "It seems like the venom has already put you in a mood." My breath catches and I lock my legs together. His grin grows wider as he watches my eager reaction. His hands keep caressing my body softly, and his voice is lower than usual, his words almost a growl. "Feeling a bit overwhelmed already, are we?"

I can only nod frantically as he leans in for another kiss. Our bodies move together in a rhythm that feels familiar yet new every time we're together like this. I moan in response, my head swimming with the taste of him, the feeling of him everywhere, and his smell, gods, that smell. He separates for a second, removing both my shirt and pants in a swift move, and leaving me exposed in nothing but my underwear. Every nerve ending in my body hums with anticipation as I await bare before him.

The way he looks at me, the way his eyes wander over my every curve, is intoxicating - and not just because of the venom. He traces his hand over my skin, his fingers slowly caressing every inch. His fingertips gently graze over my chest, brushing against the fabric of my underwear, and then his hand slips underneath the bra. I squirm beneath his touch, my breath catching, my excitement clearly showing as I arch my back. "Y-you are still fully dressed" I say, as I reach for his shirt. But before I can even lift the fabric, he grips my wrist firmly, a smirk playing on his lips.

"Oh no, my dear, you see... I have a different plan."

With a sudden movement, he presses his lips to the still sensitive skin under my neck, sending shivers down my spine. His tongue flicks at the punctures, his teeth gently nipping at it, until I can’t focus on anything else but the sensation of his touch. The weight of his hands on me was almost suffocating, but at the same time, it only adds to the pleasure coursing through my body. Overwhelmed with pain and pleasure, I let out a moan, louder this time, thanking the gods for being in a secluded area far away from the rest of our companions.

"I-I need to see you". I gasp, my thoughts scattered and my body yearning for him.

"Need?" Astarion leans in again, his voice dripping with honey. "Oh I know how much you need me." A mischievous glint dances in his eyes as he continues, "But don't forget about want and desire - I promise I can fulfill all of your cravings." His grin widens, as if he's sharing a delightful secret.

His hand tightens slightly, and his grin only widens. "Now, would you like to try asking me again, but with more pleading?"

"Please" I whisper, my voice barely audible even in the quiet of our secluded spot. Astarion's smirk widens even more, and he leans in close until our noses are almost touching.

"Please what?" he taunts, his hot breath tickling my skin.

My cheeks flush with embarrassment as I realize that he wants me to say it out loud. To admit how much I crave him, how much I need him. But then again, isn't that exactly what I want? To let go of all inhibitions and give myself completely to him?

"Please...I need you," I murmur, feeling a mixture of shame and arousal wash over me.

Astarion's smile turns into a satisfied grin as he loosens his grip on my wrist and leans back slightly. "Good girl. That's perfect." he purrs, before he pushes back, slowly stripping the rest of his clothes off, till he's just as exposed as I am right now. "Do you have any idea just how exhilarated I am right now?" His words are playful, his eyes twinkling as he leans forward. "All of this, this energy that's in my blood... and it's all your fault." He leans in again over my body, his breath fanning my lips "What are you going to do about it, my dear?"

I can’t help but feel a thrill run down my spine at the thought of being able to turn the tables on him for once. I reach out and grab onto his shoulders, pulling him closer until our lips were inches away from each other.

"I'll show you," I whisper.

"I bet you will…” Astarion leans in, his breath hot and sharp as he inches even closer. Then he pulls back, a devilish grin on his lips. It's clear he's enjoying this.

With a quick, fluid motion, I thrust my hands against his chest and roll on top of him. Despite the chaos and danger of our quests, I can't help but feel grateful for the physical strength and endurance it has given me in moments like these.

I take the moment to admire the beautiful lines of his body, the way his pale and smooth skin seems to shine under the moonlight, the curves and planes of his stomach and chest. My eyes linger on the stretch just below his navel and traveling south. My mouth waters at the sight of him, never used to his beauty doesn't matter how many times I see him like this. His muscles flex and tense under my gaze, and he watches me, his breath growing as ragged as mine is. He smiles widely, enjoying my staring at him so intensely.

"Enjoying the view?" He smirks at my admiration. "Is that all I am to you? A beautiful body?"

My own lips turn up in a sly smile as I tease him. "Well, let's just say you're not bad, but have you seen Gale without his shirt on? Now that is some tough competition."

I was expecting to see a jealous reaction, but instead he bursts out laughing. "You are a menace! I am a gorgeous, beautiful creature. Gale is... not unattractive, I suppose. But he also looks like someone glued bird wings to his hair and called it a day." He reaches out with a hand to gently trace his fingers down the lines of my stomach. "Mhmm..." I release a content sigh and take my hands to his chest and shoulders, caressing the smooth expanse of skin there. "Although I admit, I am way more curious about Wyll" I say, and then turning my voice into a whisper I add "You can grab his horns if you get really into it"

He laughs again, his mouth curling into a mocking smile. "Oh, you're curious about him, are you?" He shifts below me, his hips pressing against mine."Well, I should warn you - his horns aren't the only sharp part of him. He has a very sensitive spot, and he might just stab you if you try..."

I laugh lightly "You stab me everyday with those fangs of yours, so I think I'm used to it"

His voice growls low and deep, sending shivers down my spine. "Is that so?" he asks, the words dripping with a mixture of amusement and challenge.

My own breath catches as I feel his hips rise to meet mine again, the fabric of our underwear the only barrier between us. The sensation of his erection pressing against me in just the right spot sends a jolt of electricity through my body. "Maybe you should go to him instead, then" he taunts with a smirk, a knowing glint in his eyes. "But, then again, what would he say if he saw you like this?" His words are punctuated by another forceful thrust and I can't help but release a small moan in response. "Wrecked and bruised. Marked by me"

An uncontrollable moan escapes my lips as I start rocking my hips back and forth, the friction sending waves of pleasure throughout my body. I find purchase on his chest and scratch the skin there, hard enough to leave a mark.

"And you would like that, wouldn’t you?" His breath catches as my movements become faster, more aggressive. He knows what he's doing, and he enjoys seeing how it affects you. "Would you like for him to see you like that, with my marks on you? Knowing what we did? Would you want him to know that I had you first?"

"Yes, I would love for him to know that," I confess out of breath, as I struggle against the intense urges that fill me.

He lets out a low, guttural groan and appears to be finished with our playful game. He swiftly maneuvers my body back beneath his own.

With a quick and eager movement, I discard my now ruined underwear and he follows suit, shedding his own. My legs curve around his waist, drawing him closer to me as I feel the heat emanating from his body. As my hands roam over his back, I can't help but trace the raised lines of scar tissue, a reminder of battles fought and won. My heart swells with love for this man, and I plant gentle kisses along his shoulder, speckled with tiny freckles that resemble a dazzling constellation. Gods he is so breathtakengly beautiful. "None of our companions would make me half as happy as you do" I murmur against his pointed ear. His body tenses, and I can feel the emotions warring within him. "I know," he replies softly, turning to capture my lips in a deep kiss.

His hand squeezes down against my thigh, his fingers slowly working their way up my leg. His eyes find mine again, a flicker of recognition in them. And then he thrusts in deep, our hips colliding in loud smacking sound. My hips buck forward to meet his, the friction making me a wreck.

"Astarion," I whisper, arching my back and wrapping my arms around him. He groans and leans down to catch my lips in a searing kiss, and we both find ourselves struggling for air. My hands grip his shoulders, nails digging in slightly as my body responds to the intensity of the moment. I am panting as his thrusts start becoming harder and harder each second. Pleasure ripples through me, every touch turning me on fire. I glance up at him, and find his eyes tightly shut in concentration. "Please look at me," I whisper, my voice trembling with desire.

His eyes fly open at my plea, and I can see the raw pleasure mirrored in their depths. The way my body moves against his elicits soft moans from him, his gaze dropping down to take in the way our bodies fit together perfectly, the spot where our bodies connect. When he lifts his eyes back on me, is with a look of adorarion. His chest rises and falls rapidly as he leans in, pressing his nose against mine in an intimate gesture.

"I love when you beg for me, darling" he whispers, as his hips begin moving even harder, his thrusts quicker, rougher, and his body is so close now that it's almost like we are merging into one being.

Astarion's words send a shiver down my spine, and I cling onto him tighter as he continues to move inside me. Each thrust sends shocks of pleasure through my body, igniting every nerve ending and driving me closer to the edge.

"Please," I moan, my voice barely above a whisper as I tilt my hips up to meet his. He brings his fingers down to the place where we are connected, and touches my nub with vigor. I cry out at the feeling, my nails now fully scratching his back. His free fingers dig into the skin of my hips as his pace quickens, his breaths coming in shallow gasps. My teeth find their way to his neck, and I bite down with wild possessiveness. My brain buzzes with pleasure, and I can’t control the sensations coursing through me. The orgasm hits me like a bolt of lightning, causing me to open my mouth in a silent scream and cling onto him with my locked legs. My whole body tenses, as the ecstasy doesn’t seem to end.

His fingers dig into my scalp, his breath is fast and shallow and his eyes are locked on my face. I feel his body tense, the pleasure of my orgasm driving him right to the edge - but he doesn't let go, not yet. I feel him start to lose control of his thrusts, and after a few hard pumps his body seizes and with a rough groan. With a final gasp, he collapses on top of me, holding me close as we both catch our breath. We caress each other’s bodies, helping to ground ourselves again.

When he opens his eyes, they sparkle with satisfaction and amusement. It’s such a familiar gesture that I get suddenly overwhelmed with my love for the man before me, and can’t help but reach for him as I start to cry heavily over his shoulder. Astarion's strong arms wrap around me, holding me close as I cry against his chest. He strokes my hair gently, whispering soothing words as he lets me release all of my emotions. Tears and snot mix together as I sob, my body shaking with the weight of everything that has happened.

After what feels like an eternity, my cries turn to sniffles and then eventually stop altogether. Astarion pulls back slightly, cupping my face in his hands and using his thumbs to wipe away the remaining tears on my cheeks.

"Are you okay?" he asks softly, searching my eyes for any signs of distress.

I nod, giving him a watery smile."It's just..." I gasp "I love you so much" I finally manage to say, my voice cracking with emotion. "I wish we didn't have to go tomorrow. I wish you could stay safe at camp"

At my words, a soft smile plasters on his face, and he pulls me closer, one arm wrapped around me in a protective embrace while the other hand gently strokes up and down my back.

"Oh my dear," he whispers softly. "Don't be sad. This was the only decision we could make, the only right choice for us." words dripping with love and reassurance."You taught me about making the right choices, remember?" He playfully smirks, his fingers brushing away some stray tears from my cheeks. After a few seconds, he adds "I promise you, we will come back from this all in one piece. We always do."

I nod "I know. I just wish we didn't have to be the heroes for once"

"I know, my dear," Astarion says with a sad smile. He kisses my forehead and I rest my head on his chest, his breathing calming me down little by little. He lazily draws figures on my back, as I do over his pec, laying in comfortable silence. The quiet is soothing to us both, after the intense moment we just shared. I can't help but notice that he's tracing a little circle on my back, the pattern of one of his many scars. This makes me smile to myself somehow, like I'm feeling even closer to him, if that's possible.

After a few seconds of silence, he looks down at me and his fingers fall still. "I love you, you know." he says "More than anything or anyone."

"Even more than your hair?" I ask teasingly, as I caress his face with my finger.

He feigns shock and puts a hand to his chest. "Don't be foolish now. Have you seen my locks? No one could possibly love anything more than my magnificent white curls."

His words are playful, but his expression grows serious "You are the most valuable thing in my life. The only one who's ever truly seen me, as I really am. The only one in the whole world who I don't have to hide a single piece of myself from." He tenderly presses his lips against the tip of my finger, sending a wave of fluttering butterflies throughout my stomach. His love for me is palpable and it fills me with warmth and joy.

He leans in and kisses me gently, his lips soft against mine as he pours all of his love into it. My heart swells with emotion as our lips move together in perfect harmony. In this moment, it feels like nothing else matters except for us and our love.

When we finally pull away, we both let out a content sigh and rest our foreheads against each other's. We fall asleep like that, our bodies intertwined in a mess of limbs as if we are one.

The warm rays of sunlight gently wake me up, and I find myself still wrapped in Astarion's embrace. His arms are tightly around me as if he's afraid to let go, and I can't help but smile at the sight.

I take a few moments to admire his sleeping figure. He has his eyes closed, with thick lashes falling over his cheeks. His hair falls lightly over his forehead, and I resist the urge to tuck it behind his ear.

I trace my fingers over his chest, feeling the rise and fall of it with each breath. In this peaceful moment, I am filled with gratitude for having him in my life. He has been my anchor through so much chaos and danger. Something inside me melts at the softness of his sleep, and in that moment, I can't help but wonder what things would be like if he were to stay with you like this - if I could have him, completely, without any worry about the world ending tomorrow. And you will I tell myself when you defeat that damned brain.

A soft snore escapes Astarion's lips and I chuckle softly. He stirs slightly, nuzzling closer to me as if sensing my presence. "Good morning," he mumbles against my neck, his voice husky from sleep.

"Good morning," I reply with a smile.

"Hmm. You're a cruel one, to wake me up when sleep is so nice. But I suppose I can allow that because you are cute."

"I couldn't stand your snoring any longer. I wonder how someone so beautiful can produce such horrible sound" I reply, trying to hide my amusement.

"Oh? I always thought my snores were just endearing! It's your fault, for being so sensitive that you can't just learn to live with them. Maybe I should just snore louder to drown out your complaining instead." I pretend to look wounded, but end up laughing uncontrollably. "You are the worst" I say, leaning against his chest.

"I'll admit, my talent for irritating you is very much a learned skill." He chuckles, then looks down at me as his arms slip on to my waist. "Besides," he adds with a grin, "I was only half joking with that last bit. I'll be sure to snore in your ear a little harder tonight. Just to make sure you get properly annoyed, hm?"

I playfully hit him in the chest, and then I grimly realize the sun is almost up, which means we have to leave. I sadly sigh as I untangle myself from his warm embrace and get up.

"We should probably get going," I say, trying to hide my own reluctance.

We quietly collect our clothes and dress ourselves, deep in thought at what awaits us. Silence fills the air between us two, as both of us take in the morning air. I feel the tension of the upcoming battle, and the dread is a weight upon us that makes it almost difficult to breathe. Our understanding is palpable through just a fleeting gaze and a silent nod. His warm hand reaches for mine, the gentle intertwining of our fingers conveying more than words ever could.

And at that moment, I can only hope that the next time my eyes open, he'll still be by my side. Hand in hand, we finally face the coming storm, the echo of shared whispers lingering in the air, a testament to the fragile beauty found in the darkest hours.

[zalrb]

for your recent ask on how to build relationships in movies where you used willabeth as an example i was just thinking of them as i read ur post lmao! what do u think are some underrated aspects of their relationship in the films ? and if you had to pick a favorite film of the potc trilogy based on just willabeth, which would you pick?

Oh, yay! A Willabeth ask!

AWE automatically wins on "At Wit's End" (aka "Will and Elizabeth's love theme") alone. That is the soundtrack to a cosmic, epic, transcendental, soul-moving, earth-shattering love story, that is the epitome of a romantic composition, it is everything. Like just listen.

But I mean, the scenes that they have in this movie?

I'm not sure that there's anything that shippers find underrated about them, it would just be in response to Sparrabeth shippers or people who are anti-Willabeth, which I just don't find merits a response but something I do quite enjoy about the Willabeth love story is the role Jack plays in it and how his respective bonds with Will and Elizabeth actually reinforce that love story:

Like, Jack helps Will come to terms with his parentage and history

and therefore who he is and Will, in turn, saves Jack from the gallows.

Elizabeth has faith in Jack, tells him he’s a good man, helps him see the morality of situations

and Jack does prove her right in Dead Man’s Chest by coming back to help the crew but I think the most significant way he proves her right is by going against a desire he wanted for all of At World’s End so he can do right by Will (and it actually goes further than his desire throughout At World’s End but to a fundamental passion like he sold his soul to Davy Jones to get the Pearl, that’s how much he loves the sea)

and then you had Jack speaking to Elizabeth’s desire for freedom

and encourages her obtainment of that freedom, of that agency, of that power

which ultimately leads back to her choosing to love and be with Will

which, despite what antis say, isn't a regression. The trilogy begins with seeing her discomfort in "polite society" and feeling pressured into doing what's expected i.e. an engagement to Norrington

which includes hiding her fascination with pirates as well as her feelings for Will

the two things are interconnected. In fact, when we see her being chastised for not behaving the way she should, it's when she's too intimate with Will

Her interest in pirates is signified with her keeping Will's medallion

her choosing Will is also her choosing her own freedom

Will even teaches her how to fight

and throughout the trilogy, it's them discovering more facets of themselves i.e. Will reunites with his father, Elizabeth actually gets to be a pirate but what even got them on those journeys was trying to find/help the other so they can be together

and those layers just bring them back together stronger. This has always been the point

This also isn't exactly underrated but I find when I go into the tag, there's a lot of emphasis on what Will does for Elizabeth, how he supports her, how in love with her he is, how devoted to her he is and I completely understand why but also Elizabeth's devotion to Will deserves a spotlight as well.

Going to fight undead pirates alone to save Will

Being both surprised and upset at Will even considering that she could be in love with Jack

Giving away the entire plan because she couldn't feign disinterest when Sao Feng acted as though he'd stab Will

Having to literally be carried away by Jack when Will was stabbed

Even the smaller, in between things like Will shouting at Elizabeth to shoot at the barrels of rum but her refusing because he was still caught in the net.

I just love them so much.

[micah-nicholas]

wait so ur pro endo now??? there's genuinely no way 😭😭 i agree you were wrong about a lot but come on.... not that......

I was staunchly anti-endo for around 2-3 years, almost the entire time I've know what DID is. So, what changed?

I stopped needing to be validated by fakeclaimers and other people in general. My anti-endo stance came from a place of being 15 and feeling invalid in my experiences. It was during a time in my life when my mom and I were in a years-long power struggle over me trying to get her to believe I was trans, and by this point I was already diagnosed with gender dysphoria, and she still refused to believe me or let me socially transition.

So I was feeling invalidated in other areas of my life by that point, I was discovering a lot of my mental problems at that age, and anti-endos promised validation in exchange for throwing non-CDD systems under the bus. I felt safer being one of the "good ones" who was "real," it gave me an out anytime I felt self-doubt.

It took me a long time and half a year away from my abuser for me to fully stop needing validation from others in that way. I don't need anti-endos or syscringers or whomever to validate my experiences with DID. I'm secure in my understanding of my symptoms, and I don't feel threatened by non-CDD systems anymore. I never should have felt threatened by them.

In short, the hate endos get comes from a place of insecurity in oneself, more often than not. That, or the person was presented a bad faith argument to get them to believe endos are harming the system community somehow.

In becoming secure with myself and not needing hateful exclusionists to count me as valid, I've learned that I don't really care about endos existing. They've honestly never hurt me. Plenty of anti-endos have, actually. Endos are just people existing who have little to do with me.

I was apathetic/neutral for a while, but I very quickly became fully pro-endo from watching the discourse from both sides for once. I normally kept pro-endo tags blocked, so I only ever saw people who agreed with me and fed into my existing anti-endo mindset. Seeing both sides really highlighted just how much endogenic systems are attacked for existing in online spaces and trying to spread positivity or talk about their personal experiences with plurality.

So yeah, I'm pro-endo now. I consider it a big step in my personal growth as a person, to be honest.

- Nick

[anghraine]

Tumblr posting isn't the hallmark of activism and no one is obligated to talk about Palestine on here. That being said, it sure is interesting that you never mentioned Israel's ongoing genocide until you decided to make a post about how antisemitic people who do talk about it can be (and provided no example, so it's vague enough it serves no purpose whatsoever, can't be argued with of learnt from).

I did wonder if that would be someone's takeaway (and even that it would likely be on anon), so this response was already largely prepared.

In any case, my fandom account is not the totality of my existence, even online, and particularly not at the moment (I used to talk about politics more here, but don't tend to use this account for that kind of thing these days; I've also barely acknowledged the Trump/Harris election that will directly and drastically impact my own life and which I'm following closely). I mentioned the grotesque antisemitism directed at Jewish people regardless of whether they're Israeli or not, mainly coming from people who have no more stake in what happens in I/P than I do, because it's become so common over the last year in fandom spaces and conversations, and is therefore relevant to this account. There are no genocides happening specifically on Tumblr, but there are people here using Israel to present their pre-existing antisemitic ideas as leftist praxis and to air them more openly.

In addition to that, I don't generally feel the need to Be Seen Having a Take on matters I'm not especially familiar with—particularly as a US American, since we tend to be too quick to share our super important center of the world opinions on other countries' geopolitics regardless of how much we know or understand about them—until I've had time to think, research, and phrase what I want to say. Once I was more familiar, I wanted to be clear that I consider Israel's actions horrific and that, simultaneously, I find the increasingly regular fandom antisemitism I've seen intolerable and unjustified (and I did feel these needed to be in the same post to avoid being misunderstood even in good faith). I kicked my post out of drafts because at that point I'd seen enough to feel equipped to do so and felt it was sufficiently clear about where I stand, and because (as I said in my tags) of a specific and particularly abhorrent display of antisemitism I saw on Tumblr yesterday.

I also did not feel the need to duplicate and broadcast specific instances of antisemitism (much less that one) in order to dunk on it or whatever. Broadly though not universally, I prefer talking about overall patterns that bother me more than litigating isolated instances, even when it's ... like, annoying trends in Pride and Prejudice fanfic or something, but all the more when it's a systemic social problem. And given that I have a number of active Jewish mutuals who would see my post, I didn't want to inflict it on them all over again. If you think I would find something grotesquely antisemitic that's actually totally fine, then you're free to find someone else to follow.

[i-heart-hxh]

Hi! I have a question, between the two versions of the anime, which one do you think was more faithful to the manga when it comes to the personalities of Gon and Killua? I've recently finished watching the 99 anime and I really enjoyed it, but idk if this is an unpopular opinion, but sometimes i felt like some of the characters were a little bit ooc, people usually talk about how the Killua of the 99 anime is so different to the Killua from 2011, but I also felt that Gon was really different in both animes, in the 99 version sometimes he was kinda shy or doubtful, like he was too passive, where as in the 2011 anime he seems overall more confident except for the times where he doubts about his self-worth, like after Hisoka didn't take the tag back during the hunter exam, in the 2011 version it also feels like when they are doing something even if the plan wasn't his, like going to Heaven's Arena, Gon is the one taking the lead and deciding how he is going to do things, idk if I'm making sense lol, the point is that he is a little bit more assertive while still being a sweet boy in the 2011 version while in the 99 version he is mostly just a sweet boy at least to me, I'm really interested in getting your thoughts about this topic, sorry for the long post 😅.

Thank you for sending this, it's definitely an interesting thing to discuss and something I've thought about quite a bit myself! Going to go on for a bit right back at you, haha.

Gon and Killua's characterization is actually a major reason for why I have mixed feelings about the 1999 anime. It has some wonderful strengths--like the beautiful cel animation, creative visual direction, more realistic character designs, unique (and darker) atmosphere, some great OPs/EDs, and a lovely soundtrack, among other things. But there are a few different aspects that I'm not a big fan of, and the changes to Gon and Killua's characters are at the top of my list.

First off, I want to say that to an extent I understand why Gon and Killua are characterized differently. Not much of the manga was out when 1999 was made, so the staff could only work with (essentially) the first impressions of the characters, and the anime had to expand into filler/anime-only material to prevent it from catching up with the manga and running out of things to adapt, so to a degree the staff had no choice but to get creative. The artistic liberties they took aren't always a bad thing. I even like some of the additions they made. But I do think some of the choices they made to deviate from the source material--and some of them were definitely not necessary--lead to them being much flatter characters in 1999 than in the manga itself.

This whole paragraph requires some oversimplification so bear with me, but I feel like in 1999, Gon is characterized as too much of a "good boy," while with Killua they lean too much into his "bad boy" side. Leaning into these stereotypes runs counter to what I love about these two, which is that they're both complex and have mixed lighter/darker attributes that feel somewhat "balanced" between them ultimately, and by the end of CAA they have essentially switched positions with regards to their respective light and darkness. They both have strong light sides and strong dark sides contained within them, which is part of why they get along so well even when they're as different as they are. To make Gon more passive and sweet (as you said, which I agree with) and Killua more edgy and bratty makes the relationship feel much more unequal and, to me, uninteresting.

I love Gon's assertiveness, strong-willed nature, and feral and scary sides, and Killua's softer, more vulnerable, and more childish sides, as well as other sides to them we see in canon, so having those toned down makes me sad.

One small example of a change that has always bothered me in 1999 is that they had Gon introduce himself to Killua when they first meet, and Killua even ignores him initially when he tries to introduce himself. While the scene isn't drastically different, I think it's incredibly important in establishing Killua's character that he introduces himself first and is so eager to get to know Gon. He desperately wants a friend! This is a vital basis for his character and motivations! There are a number of decisions in 1999 like this, where some deviation is made to make the characters more straightforward/fitting an archetype, and it would just be a small thing if not for how carefully constructed and extremely intentional Togashi's writing is, and how delicate the balance is with their characterization in the original series.

I'm personally not a fan of how much bigger and older Killua seems in 1999 compared to Gon as well--at times it feels like there must be an age gap of 3-4 years, which is weird to me with two characters where an important aspect of their relationship is that they're the same age. In the early parts of the manga, there was a bigger height gap between them as well (though it gets less and less with time), but even taking that into consideration, the strongly emphasized size difference is odd to me. (I know some people find it cute and that's fine, this is just my own preference!)

That said, I still do enjoy a lot of their scenes in 1999, even some of the added ones! I just don't think the way their characters are portrayed comes off nearly as layered/fascinating/well-balanced as in the manga and therefore in 2011 (which more-or-less closely follows the manga, with some exceptions). I consider 1999 its own alternate canon and any changes/additions only canon within that universe. (Though some of the additions I like can go under "Headcanon accepted!" status for me, LOL.)

2011 does have some small deviations from the manga too, and I do think there are subtle differences in the characterization vs the manga, but 2011 and the manga are much closer to each other overall and the characters are essentially the same at least, with only small exceptions.

So anyway, I definitely agree with what you said about their respective characterizations, and it's something that bugs me, too. There are a lot of aspects I appreciate about 1999, but I'm actually glad I didn't start with it for multiple reasons, and it's a pretty mixed bag for me overall.

[ritz-writes]

@asleepyy so sorry for tagging u twice in one day and i hope im not bothering u with my brain rot 😅

but yes, i did actually dissect the lyrics. yes, i am actually insane. and yes, i love this au quite a lot.

here are my notes and what i think each song represents, tho its mainly just the vibes i get. i made notes as i listened to them (note: i see songs almost always in animatic form. idk if that will effect how i imagine what each song means, but i thought it might be worth mentioning)

join me as i lose my mind over the course of an hour and a half

say what you think: def making me think of them both in heaven and jophiel wanting to ask questions.

running up that hill: AHH this one hurt. very obvious as well. jophiel seeing that azazel shouldnt be a demon. "And if I only could I'd make a deal with God, and I'd get Him to swap our places." i am sobbingggg

what difference does it make?: at first i was going to say its jophiel wanting to figure out what went wrong but azazel makes them promise not to, but i think its better suited for azazel understanding hes a demon, but he cant help but still have faith in the almighty

please please please let me get what i want: fuckkk is this about azazel being a demon but still wanting to do good 😭 short but still painful

ever fallen in love (with someone you shouldn't've): my first reaction to the title alone was like the second image of the kambucha girl meme. anyway i think this one is about them becoming friends (or more?? 👀) but knowing its seen as wrong. "And if I start a commotion, I run the risk of losing you and that's worse" makes me also think of jophiel talking to the metatron and realizing he shouldnt ask about azazel lest he risk the poor thing being smited.

nothing critical: ohhhh this one gives hella vibes of jophiel not trusting heaven and knowing "something isnt right here" in regards to the fall-- HOLD UP "I know, someone had to go, If not him it'd be me instead" HELLO??? aziraphale asking for jophiel??? is this like after he finds out what azazels name used to be??

flowers never bend with the rainfall: hmm... i feel like this is a plot point song. not sure why. but "And I hide behind the shield of my illusion" makes me think it pertains to azazel

bird in space: oh this ones a bit tricky. i think ive reached the songs that no longer fit the lore we've been given thus far. so the only thing i can think rn is jophiel enjoying earthly pleasures? not rlly sure

angel, won't you call me?: oh fuckkk is this about a fight they have? "I fled at the face of my rival. When I felt his breath at the back of my neck. Angel, won't you call?" theres no way that isnt about azazel saying smth and then leaving, only to be scared he severed his tie to the only person thats been nice to him.

the stranger: first of this is a bop and im loving it. very groovy. the first thing that comes to mind is the "choose your faces wisely" prophecy. ooo is this about jophiel trying to convince azazel hes still meant to be an angel? that he wasnt meant to fall? also, the last verse is sticking out to me... not sure why

all i think about now: fuckkkkk this is giving me the vibes of jophiel finding out azazel Fell cuz of him and feeling guilty about it. "If I'm late, can I thank you now?" FUCKING OW?? oh yeah for sure this is about jophiel finding out and being sucker punched with guilt

ill be your mirror: oh goddd this song. i know crowley listens to this song but i cant remember what its about so lets see. AH SHIT YEAH THATS RIGHT. okay so jophiel reminds azazel that he is inherently good, regardless of if hes a demon. thats what im getting from this (also just tihnking of that ask i sent about the reflective sunglasses bthwjegkrw)

me and my husband: okay all im getting from this is "they r down bad". they r very very very much in love. getting vibes of this being after they stop the apocolypse. or maybe their feelings developing thru the centuries

time in a bottle: oh man this song always gets me. okay so, this and the last song r giving the oh-shit-i-might-be-in-love vibes. but this one is with jophiel's pov, while me and my husband is azazel's

ritz note: the last couple songs have been cute and lovey and i am now terrified of what the next ones r gonna be. cuz i know this fandom. and i am not ready for the pain. i am afraidddd

lonesome town: i fucking called it i knew the happy wouldnt last 😭😭 they had a fight didnt they. yeahhh they had a fight. FUCK why is this so sad but so pretty

across the universe: is this one sad too??? hang on theres a bit thats not in english, what does that mean... "Hail to the Heavenly Teacher." okay so i assume this is an azazel song. this is just making me think of the bookshop fire, but its azazel thinking jophiel died 😭 ....i am staring at the lyircs. i am glaring at the lyrics. this song MEANS something. i just dont know what. but its important. im squinting at it very hard (note: i came back to this song and am STILL glaring at it. its like. its like im seeing it covered in sand but i know theres gold underneath. i cant SEE the gold, but i know its there. this is driving me nuts /pos)

no wonder i: hm.. im not rlly sure with this one. OH?? is this azazel finding out heaven isnt that good?? "Suddenly I'm not so sure. That intentions can be pure." hmmmmmmm

what do they know?: holy shit okay this is a completely different kind of song than the others. im.... glaring at these lyrics too. feels like a plot point but cant tell what it is. i think its about jophiel? maybe heaven too?? idk im grasping at straws with this one

sea of love: oh yay a happy song again 😌 okay this is just short and sweet. gives me forgiveness and/or confession vibes.

who are you, really?: this one sounds important and i am glaring!! makes me think of "we dont need heaven we dont need hell" and also "a demon/angel that goes along with hell/heaven as far as he can". also just makes me think of jophiel speaking.

the moon will sing: i fucking love this song but i dont think ive ever looked at the lyrics so lets goooo. right away i see "I could have been anyone, anyone else. Before you made the choice for me" and think of aziraphale asking and falling for jophiel, and in a way making the choice of jophiel staying an angel. "Instead, I made a bed with apathy" jophiel trying not to care about a random demon. "I shine only with the light you gave me" jophiel giving azazel ideas on how to do "good" while being "bad". also with that line, thinking of azazel saying that to god and being sad about having fallen AUGHH i have a whole animatic in my head with this song and im losing my mind

matephor: hnnnn another important sounding song. jophiel vibes. fight song perhaps?? "Don't look too hard 'cause you won't like the scars he left in me" azazel vibes??? this one is elusive to me but i love it. okay im slowly getting more azazel vibes. like azazel trying to convince jophiel that he is a demon and fell for a reason

providence: right away getting "heaven and hell r bad" vibes. OHH okay okay this is giving me hella jophiel vibes, but specificly snarky and sassy jophiel vibes. of being like "oh yes heaven is oh so great, we kill children! but its for the greater good, of course. gotta beat hell and all that, even at the cost of innocents. all for the almighty and her ineffable plan." (this song is a bop omg)

earth angel: oh i know this one but only with crowley and aziraphale, so im excited to listen to it with an oopsie omens mind set. omg wait why does it hit HARDER. love sick azazel is such a cute image 🥺🥰

what more can i do: hmm.. them being in love but knowing its "forbidden"? cant tell who i imagine with it more

starman: this is just them. classic good omens song, regardless of the au. love to see it 💖

a pearl: AH FUCK ANOTHER SAD ONE. mitski whyy. hm.. azazel song? jophiel?? i think jophiel... tho my mind might be turning to mush at this point so im not sure. one of them is sad

duvet: oh def azazel vibes. oh maybe some jophiel vibes too?? i can see it swaping povs. i think it fits azazel more tho.

ritz note: OKAY the next song is in a different language and for a split second i legit thought i was having a stroke when i pulled up the lyrics ngl bgkewrrkjq

différent de toi: no idea what this song is about but its pretty 😊

oh thats all of them! i think the first half is more coherent observations, while the second half is just... rambling a bit lmao. idk if any of this makes sense. i might also be looking for things that arent there with these songs, but oh well. this was fun!

and now, after looking back at them all, i really does just slowly derail near the end lmao

[incesthemes]

ok tumblr deleted most of my tag essay on this post, so i've recreated and expanded upon it in its own post.

so the op of the post made a great point which really touched on why i've been feeling that i had a fundamentally different takeaway of season 9 compared to the rest of the fandom. i have a lot to say in response to this, not in argument but in support and synthesis of it.

i'll start with dean at the beginning of season 9: he has a great struggle in 901 regarding gadreel possessing sam, more so than any other struggle he's faced when saving sam's life, which points to me as him being aware of and conflicted about sam's history of possession. he understands this is crossing a line because it's similar to lucifer and meg, and so accepting gadreel's deal is violating sam to a length dean hasn't gone to before. dean by and large is the one who has this particular ethical problem (shown throughout the first half of season 9), not sam. hell, dean is the one who leaves sam once gadreel's out, without even waiting for input because his self-loathing is that strong.

sam, on the other hand, is more textually concerned in his 912/913 arguments with the lack of trust ("i can't trust you, not the way i thought i could") and dean's selfishness ("you did it for you"). this is an ongoing conflict sam has with dean, since the beginning of the show. dean doesn't trust sam to make his own decisions and therefore makes them for him, without sam's consent or knowledge. sam wants to be trusted to stand on his own, and he wants dean to put the same faith in him that he puts in dean. this is the core of sam's needs; the violation of autonomy is just an externalization of these needs and this conflict.

and i don't entirely disagree with the connection between going behind sam's back to keep him alive against his will and a rape narrative. both involve a lack of consent and a violation of agency. however, it really doesn't stop there, and it's a lot more complex than that.

and that's what rubs me wrong about more common interpretations of season 9 that i've seen. because this isn't really what the season is about. this violation on its own isn't the point. or if it is on the surface, it's equally about sam lying to himself about what it's actually about. he's consistently left out of major decisions regarding his own life and then lied to about it "for his own good," and he wants the right to choose his own path.

except, as we learn, that's not true. he lied about it. because the point of the whole season is that sam and dean are the same. they will make the same decisions to save each other over and over again. the point of the whole season is that sam has been lying to himself.

i said this in another post, but i think a big reason sam was able to lie to himself about this fact is because he's had the opportunity to let dean go on several occasions. he's been unable to save dean the way dean has saved sam. he fails where dean succeeds. sam has been forced to endure a grief that dean has never had to experience because dean always brings sam back. and so because sam has endured these experiences maybe he's more comfortable letting dean choose death in the abstract—the hypothetical. but in reality when it comes to that point, sam can't actually follow through, because he's just as dependent on dean being there for him as dean is dependent on sam.

and that's what season 9 is about. sam has been lying to himself about this reality from the start. this is why 1019 parallels 311 regarding how insane sam is about dean. it's reiterating the facts we've known but with a new perspective, now that sam is done deluding himself. he needs to accept that he was lying to himself and to dean, and this is what allows season 9 to close and for season 10 to begin, because season 10 is a response to sam's realization. he chooses dean over everything else in a monumental display of hypocrisy and genuine understanding of himself and who dean is to him.

seasons 8-10 should be taken as a single, cohesive unit, and the show goes to great lengths to enforce this. season 9 mirrors season 8, and season 10 acts as a response to and therefore a continuation of season 9. you can see this in the way charlie's death mirrors kevin's (one brother's lies and deceptions leads to increasing stakes that could have been avoided through honesty and openness, which culminates in the death of their beloved ally, and the deceptive brother blames himself for that death because his own unethical actions led to it), or how both of them undergo a change in their physiology as a result of godlike power entering their bodies which mutilate them from the inside and have fatal consequences (sam with the trials, dean with the mark of cain) which can only reasonably be resolved with their deaths (and they both even enter the final stages of this conflict by going to confession). also the plot structures of seasons 8 and 9 on their own mirror each other very closely.

this is all very important because it outlines the purpose of each of these two seasons. it's about them being fundamentally betrayed by their brother, causing that brother to become desperate and feel rejected and unloved, only for them to get what they need out of each other to reaffirm their love. they have to function as a unit, because otherwise both season's primary conflicts (as in, the conflicts established in the first half of each season) are left unresolved. instead, sam gets what he needs from dean in 823, which means that in return dean gets what he needs from sam in 923, thus closing the circle that was opened in 801.

dean reaffirmed that sam is the most important person in the world to him in sacrifice, that he would choose sam over every single other person on earth—this is what sam needed to hear, because it's the foundation of the conflict in season 8, since sam thinks dean chose benny over him and this sent him spiraling into a suicidal depression and self-loathing. so season 9, consequentially, is about dean getting what he needs from sam: he needs to know that sam will do anything in his power to save dean, which is a conflict that began in season 8 (with sam not searching for dean in purgatory) and is reasserted in 913 when sam tells him that he wouldn't violate his agency if the situations were reversed.

and this is exactly what dean gets in 923, when sam says he lied about all of that. dean gets the affirmation that sam's love for dean goes beyond petty ethics, which translates to "dean is more important to sam than anything else in the world" where the "anything else" includes sam's own moral boundaries. this is important to dean because dean eschews his own moral boundaries for sam's sake and safety over and over again throughout the series, and this is a major source of his own character development (see: 122, 203, 214, 222, et cetera et cetera). sam repeatedly denies that he's the same way, and has proven at least once that he wouldn't do the same, so this is an important affirmation for sam to give and it's why dean had spiraled into a suicidal depression and self-loathing (look, another parallel).

so season 8-9 are mirrors of each other, and they have to be mirrors of each other in order to work structurally and for any of the conflicts presented to be resolved. season 10 then is a response to this which shows the consequences of those dual resolutions: aka, sam acts just as unethically as dean does in the rest of the show, except this time knowingly and intentionally instead of subconsciously as he has been doing up to now (see: 1001, 1003, 1004, 1018, 1020, et cetera et cetera).

in order for all of this to work, the conflicts in season 8 and season 9 have to be equal. i.e. dean has to violate sam and his ethics as badly as sam violated dean and his ethics. it also has to be suitably Bad because it's revisiting a conflict that's existed in various iterations across the entire show. this is why it's also deeply important that 923 dean's death also parallels 222 sam's death, because it highlights how this conflict has always existed and how sam and dean are similar to each other. they both make the same choices under pressure and go to equally unethical lengths. which is why season 9 couldn't end until crowley told the audience that sam was trying to make a deal with him to bring dean back to life, specifically after dean begged sam to let him die. the point, then, was never about the violation itself: sam disregards dean's right to choose death just as much as dean disregards it. the season is about how sam and dean are at their cores the same, and it's about sam becoming aware of that reality and then actively, consciously choosing it. which is what sam reiterates across season 10, as a response to his choice in 923.

he only realizes that this is a Bad Thing in 1101 (i.e. after the response has run its course) when he says they both have to change. and the "both" is important because they are the same, fundamentally. sam isn't innocent of this violation of agency and obsessive deception of his brother, and he needs to understand that before actionable change can be made, which is what season 10 is all about.

and there's something poignant that can be said about 1023 being titled "brother's keeper," because this episode is about sam playing the role of brother's keeper, only for it to blow up so spectacularly in their faces that it causes the apocalypse 2.0. it forces sam to recognize that his original conclusion (that dean was right, and that he was lying) was not actually the correct and moral way to continue living. the significance of 1101 only reveals itself in the foundation laid by seasons 8-10, because these are the seasons about sam discovering just how down bad he is for his brother and accepting it wholeheartedly. season 11 then seeks to fix what seasons 8-10 broke, which is of course the entire fucking planet.

and this is the problem: the first apocalypse was caused by the absence of love, and the second was caused by too much love. their love is a destructive force that has world-ending consequences. that's the point of these seasons, what it all comes back to. in receiving the exact type and strength of love they needed from each other, they ended the world. and this is the conflict they need to resolve in season 11, or at least try to. because their love for each other can, has, and will destroy the world, over and over and over again. this theme can't exist unless seasons 8 and 9 mirror each other, unless season 9 is about sam's hypocrisy.

without that world-ending love, they couldn't have started the second apocalypse. if sam weren't a liar, he would have respected dean's choices, and he would have let dean die. if sam truly cared about bodily autonomy, dean would have died in 923 when he begged sam to let him. but he doesn't; that's not the point of the narrative. of course the violation of autonomy is important, because it provides the foundation for the conflict. but the violation is itself a metaphor, a triple whammy of symbolism: the possession is a metaphor for violation, and the violation is a metaphor for betrayal (as seen through the lens of deception).

the point of season 9 is not that dean metaphorically raped his helpless little brother; rather it's that the violation of agency goes both ways, and sam is a hypocrite for trying to maintain his autonomy while stripping it from dean. it's a continuation of season 8, which thus compacts his guilt over "abandoning" dean in purgatory and his self-loathing and fears of not being good enough or worthy enough of dean's love, which thus causes him to act recklessly and injuriously toward himself and dean. it's not a positive conclusion by any means; like i said, this is what causes the second apocalypse, and it's only after they've ended the world twice that sam finally sits down and says maybe they were wrong about this whole thing. maybe their love is too destructive.

in 912, sam says: "something's broken here [...] we don't see things the same way anymore."

in 1101, sam says: "this isn't on you. it's on us. we have to change."

sam goes from blaming dean to blaming both of them, because he realizes that they're both equal partners in their toxic, fucked up love. season 8 and season 9 allowed them to become equals by giving each other the affirmations they desperately needed to achieve true enmeshment, and season 10 is the consequence of that unhealthy relationship.

the point was never that dean violated sam. he does that over and over again throughout the series without destroying their relationship. the point is that sam is willing to violate dean all the same, and he had to face that reality head-on and accept it to resolve the conflict between them and give dean the affirmation he needed, just like dean gave sam the affirmation he needed in 823. the violation was simply a vehicle through which the conflict could come to a head, and the most provocative symbol this show could possibly use was the metaphor of sexual assault and rape, given sam's history with it via meg and especially via lucifer.

i've probably written enough now. the tl;dr is that season 9 invokes what can be interpreted as a rape metaphor not to vilify dean or even really to continue sam's ongoing rape narrative (though the violation that occurs in season 9 uses this as a foundation for the conflict and that's important to understanding the gravity of the situation), but rather to give appropriate stakes to mirror the primary conflict of season 8 and provide grounds for dean to get resolution for the conflict that began in 801 and continued through 923. god i hope this makes sense because now i've written this essay twice and i'm so miserable because of it.

my apologies if any of this is repetitive or meandering or lacking in any way; i tried really really hard to recreate my original essay and also provide more evidence and groundwork for my argument but obviously i'm sure i've missed some details and overlooked structure in many places. if you read this far, i love you and please talk to me about seasons 8-10. i'm losing my mind

[starflungwaddledee]

Hey got a question, is it normal for your heartbeat to beat rapidly wherever you look at really tense or angsty scenes?

It's Just a question I had in mind

putting these together because they're clearly related. i admit these have me a little bit stumped, but i'll take this in good faith and do my best! under the cut because of length.

topics include: physiological reactions to fiction, emotional reactions/empathy of creators, and finally addressing the unspoken question present in asks like this.

"is it normal to have a physiological reaction (heart beat, jitters, excitement, sadness, etc) to fiction"

absolutely! i cannot overstate how common it is to have reactions of any wide variety to fiction. the whole point of storytelling is to make you feel things! the reactions you have, their intensity, and the specific media or genre you'll have those reactions to will vary person to person. in regards to angst in particular, like i've said on this topic before: reactions will vary. some people might get excited, others might get sad, others might feel it like a gut punch but in a really good and cathartic way. none of these are better or worse or more normal or more abnormal than the other.

"do i as a creator have an emotional reaction to the work i'm creating?"

i personally do, sure. i was actually quite explicit in the tags of the comic that came right before this ask that i found it hard to draw, because seeing kirby so sad was emotionally pulverising to me. do all creators? no. do i feel a strong emotional reaction to all scenes? no. or all types of content creation? no. for me, prose is actually much easier to tackle than illustration; i can write trauma and suffering and psychological devastation until the cows come home, but drawing it is a different matter. consuming the work of others is different again. and this is different for everybody. am i somehow morally better or more empathetic than an artist that doesn't struggle to draw characters sad? hell no! being able to represent- in fiction- a strong emotion generally requires that you empathise with or at least understand that emotion. sometimes creators actually have to be able to turn this off to be able to create the content we make; the way we turn off strict adherence to reality in order to write fantasy. if we couldn't do this, content across the board- art, movies, novels- would be flattened to nothing but the cheeriest and most mediocre parts of our day to day lives. no fun monsters (because those aren't real). no challenges to rise above (because those make us sad). no characters who have different experiences to us (because how could we imagine or feel for that). and it would be okay for like... twenty minutes of all books containing 'the sun was shining and i woke up on time and had a yummy breakfast', but then it would suck, sorry. conflict and imagination are the root of content.

"it's just a question I had in mind".

a way to think about this might be; would you ask these questions about genres that aren't angst? would you ask "is it normal to be happy when these characters finally reunite" or "is it normal to feel resolution in response to a happy ending" or "is it normal to feel excitement when a character has their cool hero moment". perhaps it's because your reaction to angst is something you construe as negative, but if you wouldn't doubt your reactions to cheerful content, then there's no reason to doubt the reactions you have to angst either; these are just reactions! fiction is designed to make us feel things, but what you feel will be up to you. no one feeling or response is better or worse than any others.

lastly, i feel like there is an unspoken question here that i don't like.

and maybe you didn't intend it. i'm going to extend that grace to you, and because you seem to need reassurance about this (though i will not be reassuring about this further. i do not like reassurance seeking from strangers and this is a boundary i am setting right now), this is not an attack or even a criticism. your questions are fine if they are coming from a place of curiosity and- i simply assume- that these are new or difficult concepts to you that you have yet to have explored or explained.

but on the good faith assumption you didn't intend it, and wouldn't want to do this again (especially if you message other creators), i think you should be aware.

because it sounds like this: "do the people who make sad/angsty/dark content care at all or are you heartless to the suffering (of these characters). is angst/dark content made by bad people?" i felt it the previous time i got a question like this too when it explicitly stated "you seem like a nice person", as if being a nice person was in contrast with what i was creating.

please. we are just people. the relative light or darkness of the content you make says absolutely nothing about your morals, your real life attitudes, or your ability to be an empath.

someone making cute animal art could be a school yard bully. someone writing a complex sci-fi warhorror fic could be the most altruistic and compassionate soul in the world.

in my experience, creators are some of the most empathetic people i have ever met, and many of them know their craft intimately. these are people capable of stepping into the shoes of others as easily as breathing. of sitting down at their work station every day and finding inside themselves a way to answer "how would this really feel?" so clearly and honestly that they can put it onto the paper for you to feel it too.

[thatseventiesbitch]

That is such a good post about the fandom. Honestly, I think a lot of fandoms have the problem we do, which is a few people deciding that their personal head canons are fact and reality. Like 'my verse is canon' is usually meant as a joke, but a small yet very loud minority constantly proclaim that their own interpretations (some of which are...out there lol), their non-canon ships, their personal wishlist etc are reality because he or she SAID so, and it's hard for the rest of us not to be like "i mean, imagine and daydream whatever you want, but that's actually NOT what happened on the actual show." I'm not sure I'm explaining this well, but basically a few fans insist that 2+2 is five and then freak out when people politely point out otherwise. Maybe it's because I'm Tumblr Old like you are lol and fandom in our day was more analyzing character' personalitiess, trading ideas about favorite and least favorite storylines etc rather than fixating on stuff like "CHARACTER A IS GENDERFLUID AND IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH TEN OTHER PEOPLE AND IS A DEMIROMANTIC PANSEXUAL BECAUSE I SAID SO" when it's like but, no, they're not, so maybe just create an original character if that's what you want to write about lol.

Thanks! I guess a lot of us are feeling similar things right now.

Yep, I (think!) I understand what you're saying. We're on the same page. Folks can do whatever they want on this silly little site, of course - imagining different sexualities for the characters or pairing them with characters they were not romantically linked to in canon, inventing their own 'universes' that are based on the source material - these things don't hurt anybody. Let them be.

I think the rub comes in when the rest of us do not take their ideas seriously or do not agree with them - which of course, we're under no obligation to do. Sorry, but I don't think every interpretation is equally valid. I don't want to read about your OC/self-insert characters when I peruse the T70S and T90S tag, I want to read about the characters from the show I like. I do think everyone should be able to express their own thoughts and ideas on their own blog, but when one makes public posts on a public blog using fandom tags, others are going to respond. Those are literally the kinds of interactions this site was designed to foster.

The good news for me continues to be that the vast majority of folks I've interacted with in this fandom are good, creative people and even when we see things differently we can often have great conversations anyway. I hope newer fans aren't driven away by a couple of bad apples. I've only encountered a few blogs who are aggressive towards those with dissenting opinions or who are openly hostile to any good-faith discussion, and frankly, I've blocked them and I wish I had done it sooner. We do have the ability to curate our own fandom experience. I think folks hesitate to block because they don't want to be impolite, but I think it's far worse to continue seeing that person's content, become angered by it, and send nasty anons (I've seen a little bit of this happening and it makes me upset). If it's not for you, unfollow! If you keep seeing content you don't want to see, block! Now all that stuff is gone from my dash/tags and I only see the things I want to see - fan fiction, (canon) character analysis, excitement for the new season of That '90s Show. 🥰

[utilitycaster]

I have been thinking about FCG and Imogen's dynamic and how much it changed and i have talked about it in tags a couple of times

Like it changed from both of them going "there is something really wrong with you and you don't realize it, so i will help you fix it" to echother. And now they are both very much on a standstill and kinda waiting for the other to the other to "come to their senses"

I have a feeling that something is going to happen and they are gonna start arguing and snapping at each other, because there is a really fun tension forming between the two of them and their own arrogance is keeping them at bay

So here's the thing: I don't actually think FCG is acting this way towards Imogen! I think it's mostly one-sided and coming from Imogen, whereas FCG is kind of just rolling along doing their own thing.

FCG's arc so far has been one of learning their purpose and the truth about the demise of their party, which was obviously traumatic, but they were met with the support of Bells Hells and Imahara Joe and encouraged heavily to make their own path - and found a deity who represents exactly that: possibility, change, and chance. While his path towards faith has definitely been a weird one with its share of incorrect assumptions, it's also helped him through a lot of difficult circumstances, and it's been rewarded with the attention of the Changebringer. They also met FRIDA and were able to make a strong connection with them very quickly, and while they're still figuring things out, there's a sense of peace about it. FCG still does care about other people, but he's started to consider his own needs in a way he previously didn't and tentatively embrace personhood, and can see a way forward.

Imogen, on the other hand, despite learning much more about the source of her powers, knows less about what she wants now. Originally, she hoped to learn where they came from, and she wanted to be rid of them - or at least, she thought she wanted to be rid of him (Imogen's feelings about power lead me to believe she never actually wanted to be rid of them entirely, just, understandably, the downsides). She now knows that she is Ruidusborn, with all that entails...and the party is fighting most of the Ruidusborn, and the source of her powers. And, to be clear, I absolutely think the party is right, but Imogen finds herself wanting the thing she thought she didn't want (Ruidusborn powers). And whereas the party has largely been tolerant, if not always enthused with FCG's explorations of religion, Imogen feeling out the Ruby Vanguard was met with vehement opposition. Which, again, is fair, because FCG is saying some theologically incorrect and perhaps annoying to some but ultimately harmless shit about a canonically good-aligned deity, whereas Imogen was entertaining siding with a murderous group of cultists responsible for the deaths of Orym's husband, Orym himself, Fearne, and Laudna; but I can see why she felt upset about it.

I think Imogen is intensely jealous of FCG, actually, and she knows it's irrational, which only makes it feel worse. FCG is embracing personhood in a way she doesn't like, but that's the whole point of personhood, isn't it? To make the choices that are right for you, considering the needs of your friends but not erasing yourself to accommodate them. FCG has received support, and even a relationship with someone who can uniquely understand them - in fact, even more so, after this last episode, in which FRIDA has also killed at the command of Aeor. FCG, when unsure about their purpose and agency, received gentle guidance and encouragement to take their time and figure out who they wanted to be. Imogen, when plagued with doubt, has received none of that. She's been yelled at by Ashton and Orym (again: valid of Ashton and Orym, but we're focusing on Imogen's perspective and the fact that she probably even realizes they were right, but that doesn't help her actually feel better). She's constantly told by her closest friend (whose own darker power source was seemingly eliminated without ill effects) that she's "very capable" or that she's always been able to make her own decisions, both responses which give Imogen no room to actually grapple with that doubt and have a chance to address it head-on.

FCG didn't know what they wanted at the beginning, and has found an incredibly validating purpose and a companion who understands many of their struggles. Imogen got precisely what she thought wanted - she even now has a magical item that does take away some of the worst effects of her powers - and it's unsatisfying. She's full of resentment and she knows it's misdirected. I don't even think she's waiting for FCG to come to their senses. I think she just wants to feel what he feels and have what he has, but pursuing the gods isn't right for her, so she's lashing out.

[yangscowlick]

You're tags about early hiatus leading to calcified headcanons makes me think about why certain parts of the fandom are so against the idea of yang being butchier and cling to her beacon persona so hard. Odd to me beacon yang's whole thing was she was putting up a front to hide her insecurities, yet early fandom portrayed her as some femme fataleish fashionista that flirted with everyone and talked about her boobs nonstop. But even beacon yang was never like that, and now we have a yang that wears big butch boots and overalls and bomber jackets and likes to manspread and actually it's her gf that likes to get prettied up for their dates while yang watches with heart eyes from afar. Sorry for the essay, I just wonder why early fandom saw a show that telegraphed pretty well that it's about turning tropes on its head and decided "no I want the surface level version of these characters and any change or development that differs from it is bad"

I totally agree and ended up writing an essay in turn!

I think it’s especially annoying when fandom does that with Yang’s V1 “persona” in particular since (1) she got the least amount of development of the girls in V1 (we really don’t “meet” Yang til we get her backstory in Burning the Candle — hell we don’t even get an explanation of her semblance until Painting the Town) and (2) all the girls have grown and changed since we met them, so why are some folks SO stuck on early Yang? But I do think it taking so much longer to really “meet” Yang means there were huge chunks of time between the Yellow Trailer and V1 and then V1 and V2 where people filled her character in how they saw fit and have clung to that.

I think there are sort of two buckets. In the bad faith group are the weebs who saw big boobs and an empty vessel of a character they could project onto. To your point, the show told us from the get-go in her trailer and in her song that she was “more than meets the eye”, but the shonen-brained who are accustomed to fanservice and 2D female side characters saw Yang and assumed she was for Them (and feel betrayed that she isn’t and have made it everyone’s problem). I dont have a lot of patience for those types — they can go watch 99.9% of shonen anime if they want that (though I hope for their sake they expand their media diet…).

I have some more patience for the second bucket who just don’t really understand the lesbian experience and how it can be to re-contextualize your identity once you’ve figured yourself out. Because in some ways you only really “get it” if you’ve gone through it. Yang settling into herself is SO cool to me, because I was similar. In high school, I was pretty femme / assumed I was straight / etc. And even once I understood I liked girls, knowing your identity and integrating your identity are two different things. It’s so normal to me to see Yang “become” Yang as she has (from the way she dresses, her posture, the way she sits, her chivalry, etc) because I lived it. But I think it is lost on some people who just see her “dykeyness” as a retcon and not a development — so to them, I want to try to be patient because I realize what’s obvious to me comes from my lived experiences. (Again, the bad faith folks who wanted surface-level digestible anime waifus don’t get my patience here).

But to those coming at Yang in good faith, Yang coming into herself and getting more butch as time goes on (Yang was always going to be more than her first projection - they spelled it out) is no different than Weiss and Blake settling into their ‘true’ selves (and their color schemes have slowly come to match their aura/soul colors). It’s also a pretty common experience when sexuality is yet another thing piled on top of the identity crisis that is your late teens/early 20s.

I also find it a little silly that people glom onto V1 Yang as this flirty party girl because it’s not even supported by actual canon. Yang plays video games and is like a super-nerd about the table top game they play in V2, but none of those “I miss V1-3 Yang” types are like “why doesn’t she play video games and board games anymore? What a betrayal of her character”? Like why isn’t “gamer bro” Yang part of That fandom’s flanderization of her character? There’s more support in canon for that than her supposed puns…

Anyway, went off on a tangent there, but TLDR: Yang’s butch-ness is completely organic and part of her settling into herself, just as the other characters have settled into their true selves. I dont have time for the folks fueled by entitlement, but I can have time for the folks with empathy who might not have all the inputs to understand it but are willing to listen (and my inbox is open!).

[quetzalpapalotl]

tell me about arcee + her relationship to optimus 👀👀 i looove their dynamic in the end of exrid and the optimus prime ongoing

Omg yes!! They're so good!!

Arcee's first notable interaction with Optimus is after Dark Cybertron where she asks to tag in on the mission to Earth and asks about Hardhead. Optimus apologizes for forgetting that she and Hardhead were friends and neglecting to tell her about his death, to which Arcee responds with a defeated smile, saying that everyone forgets about those things.

The thing to keep in mind is that at this point everyone still sees Arcee like some crazy murder lady, even the people Arcee thought she had a connection with don't believe her capable of things like friendship (even Arcee doesn't think herself capable of that), so Optimus acknowledging her relationship and apologizing is sort of the best Arcee has gotten at this point. I am aware that this is setting the bar on the floor, but still, Optimus agrees to let Arcee come with him and seems to not pay mind to her reputation.

It makes sense, Optimus is someone that wants to believe in the good in people and that they can change more than he actually does. He doesn't seem to have much experience with Arcee, but she approaches him with no malice so she takes her in good faith. Arcee has been struggling to try to change herself and find a way to help create a better world and I think Optimus appreciates that.

Optimus, it seems, likes Arcee a lot. He tasks her with keeping an eye on Prowl while he's absent from Earth and then seems to take her as a sort of right-hand-woman. After Prowl, Arcee becomes the de-facto Autobot leader when Optimus is not there, over the other Autobots that had been there from the beginning. This is a lot of trust to put on someone of her reputation that Optimus barely knows and who became an Autobot a couple months ago by way of deciding she was one and no one having the gal to deny her.

But Optimus justs seems to like people who aren't impressed by him (Windblade, Pyra Magna, Ratchet in a way, etc) and of course Arcee isn't impressed. She's older than the primacy, she met the original 13. Arcee doesn't idolize Optimus and neither does she antagonize him which are usually the only two camps in relation to him. She follows him because she wants to do good and there's not much she can do on her own, Optimus thing is supposed to be doing good and knows more about leading than her. She's willing to trust him that he means good, but she will also do her own thing when it seems fit and she's also keeping an eye on him because she's seen enough charismatic leaders to not how how easily they can sour. To her following Optimus is just a matter of practicality.

So they end up with this very interesting dynamic where they're both jaded people that don't know how to be vulnerable and can't really fulfill each other's emotional needs, but that nevertheless have an unspoken understanding as people who are trying their damn best in a good with no simple answers, so they can be honest with each other. Optimus takes Arcee by her word and doesn't see her through her reputation and Arcee doesn't expect of Optimus to be anything more than a mech. The mix of awkwarness, stoicism, trust and Arcee not taking any of OP's bullshit can result in touching moment as well as hilarous ones.

God, I wish so bad that Barber had given us more moments of them just talking to each other because everytime they do is gold. I want more of Arcee telling OP plainly to stop being full of himself, but also a more direct talk between them about the Cybertronian legacy and the place they have in it.

They are the key actors of Optimus Prime, the themes of their arcs compliment each other, the narrative would be incomplete if you took one out. Arcee has lived through all of Cybertron's bloody history. Optimus choose to embody that history. If Optimus' cause is "the future worth fighting for" he needs change to be possible or else everything he's ever done has been pointless. Arcee gives Optimus' struggle meaning because she is someone who despite everything managed to change with the force of nothing but the belief that a better world must be possible. Optimus takes on the Cybertronian sins and dies, killing the Primacy with him, so that everyone else can move on, and on a lower level, he directly tells Arcee to go an let him be the one that sacrifices himself so that Arcee can go back to Aileron and live the life that she didn't even thought she deserved.

Arcee doesn't go to Optimus funeral. Everyone else is trying to come to terms with teh complex, contradictory figure that was Optimus Prime, but Arcee doesn't need to. She has always seen Optimus as who he was, the good and the bad, and she knows what to do with his legacy, so instead she goes and tells the children a story. Optimus' final speech is delivered to us by way of Arcee as something that she knows he would have said because they understood each other through their shared hopes.

I think they could have been good friends had Optimus lived, but things couldn't be that way. Regardless, their relationship was a bit rough, but meaningful.