#if you cant tell i am on a substance

[one-time-a-week]

stopstoptsopstoptsop

el oh el pls help haha

(I'm fine, I think, maybe, idk if expressing myself to strangers is gonna do anything but hey mabe it'll make me SHUT THE FUCK UP.

I need to calm the fuck down frfr, take a nap, or just sleep its 3 in the gosh dang morning.

Uhhhhh closing remarks for today : don't do drugs, stay in school, seriously don't do drugs the come down is not worth it, or so I've heard, love yourself - you're worth it, uhhhhhhhhh understanding yourself is important (that's a good one!), finally -- if you get assigned an essay about your identity in realtion to the poem Identity by Julio Noboa Polanco do not - I repeat - DO. NOT. wait to work on it till it's night and you're approaching the come-down-zone

I've never before experienced something so unpleasant as trying to figure out who I am AND figure out how to put it into a "well-developed" sentence while I'm also trying to decide if I'm just gonna bullshit the whole essay or be somewhat truthful, while ALSO trying to not be a pretentious dickhead - bc apparently special sauce *winkwink* makes me think I'm smarter than I am and good god does it make me chatty, not a good combo -

Don't worry though, I managed to not only completely forget about the other assignment that was due 4 fucking hours ago, but also not write a single line for the essay due tmmrw. Even better, I am no closer to figuring out what I'm gonna do for it. I'll probably just pull the homo card and be a little silly and goofy with it "I think I'm more similar to a weed than a flower because society doesn't like gay people."

oh. I meant for this to be short:( sorry? I've been sitting in my kitcken for the past 3-4 hours just typing everything that comes to mind. I deleted it all ofc I sounded insane, maybe not just sounded. huh. just now realizing(i definitely already realized that) it may be that sitting for hours typing every thought that comes into your head, creating a hard to follow im-losing-my-shit memoir thing is unusual and possibly deranged behavior. Shit I made it even longer, bye bye!

[fortjester]

me: oh yeah i’m totally writing a bunch and I’m gonna get a tonne of stuff out

also me: keeps switching tabs from actual fics to write more of the epistolary/image description social media/TV show au that no one asked for

[snapcracklepop-myjoints]

i wrote this in the notes of another post originally and am copy + pasting it here because im right but "tell the cops nothing, tell the doctors everything" is such a stupid ass fucking abled take. doctors engage in policing idk how to explain to yall that some people cannot in fact just tell doctors everything without it putting them at risk

like im not gonna go into the myriad of ways this is bs but like a quick example is i cant tell my doctors about my substance use issues because if i get that listed on my medical records it will actively endanger me. It will impact how I'm treated in emergency situations and will get me labeled as "drug seeking" when i try to get other issues dealt with.

i dont say this to scare people but because this is actually important information for people to have. if a medical professional claims this isnt an issue, they are NOT "one of the good ones". they are either straight up lying or theyre utterly unaware, which is frankly not better. doctors are cops. never forget it

like YES tell ur doctor abt being sexually active but stop saying "tell the cops nothing and the doctor everything" before i start killing in cold blood

I KNOW THE ORIGINAL QUOTE. This is about how people misquote it, as well as how they view the phrase as meaning "all medical professionals". ALSO! emts are not the neutral figures you think they are. please stop spewing your lack of understanding on the topic all over my tags, its embarrassing. Paramedics kill people and engage in policing stop fucking shilling for them indiscriminately

finally, THIS POST IS ABOUT DRUGS. FIRST AND FOREMOST IT IS ABOUT DRUGS. THIS WAS WRITTEN BY AN ADDICT. the way yall are talking about addicts and drugs users in the tags is so fucking dehumanising. you are part of the problem. Id suggest non addicts shut their traps please and thank you.

similarly, before you comment, ask youself: am i an addict ? do i have an understanding of how addicts, particularly otherwise disabled addicts, have to navigate healthcare systems ? if not, consider SHUTTING THE FUCK UP. hope this helps !

read the notes before you leave a comment im so fucking serious. reblogs are off because none of you know how to act and i have zero patience at this point. if you think im being bitchy pls consider the fact that your stupid comment does not exist in a vacuum and i have received and deleted countless stupid notes and abusive asks on and about this post and your stupid comment exists within that context and i am fucking tired.

[coriphallus]

DA: The Veilguard Spoiler review pt2 - The Grime

this is a hard one to tackle without strawmaning anyone because itll be a direct response to alot of defense ive seen for the games morality system so ill just start by saying, iykyk

never a genre has been better equipped to discuss ethics than the interactive medium of games and yes, bioware games have been doing it since baldurs gate and no, theyve not always been 'centrist' and 'conservative'. im not even gonna entertain that idea. do you remember the cultural landscape DA:O released to? the landscape it was developed in? dont give me that just because zevran doesnt write in his little notes -that you can conveniently read- 'gay good. not me but me bisexual'

Thedas is a flawed world and its a world thats just as desperate to hang on to its status quo as our own. every time you play an elf thats thriving, or a human thats queer, or a mage thats not institutionalised you exist in a world that doesnt want you, it is an act of defiance that you do.

im sure we can all see why these games were so popular with the audience they can only weakly try to pander to today.

derailing time again; so one of my favourite paintings of all time is saturn devouring his son. it makes me feel so uncomfortable that it gave me nightmares as a child, and i still cant look at it without feeling this knot in my throat. i hate it. i hate how it makes me feel, how that man looks at me in terror like its begging me for help while cannibalising another. weird story but i was bewitched by that painting as a little kid.

it is not a well drawn painting, the proportions are all over the place, brush strokes crude and inelegant. it doesnt even have a deeper story nor was it intended for an audience. i will never know what goya thought of when drawing it.

i thought alot about that painting later in my life when i was struggling with mental health problems, i thought about goya alot too as an adult and after learning about his life. i stared at his paintings and remembered when i told my dad that i hated [saturns] big eyes and hed jokingly said "it would be scarier if he didnt have eyes"

i know what the drawing looks like now, nearly everyone with a little access to the internet does. if somebody removed saturn from it, we'd still be left with a brutalised headless carcass of a man in a canvas too big for itself. if we removed that too all we'd be left with would be void.

i dont want to live in a world where all i know of goya is his rococo work, i dont want to stare at the painting of a void knowing what filled it before. i hated every second of germinale but i never wanted it to be anything other than itself, the story it tells could never hold credence otherwise.

DAV has done its best to paint over it, but its still on the old canvas and i cant look away from the negative space its left, i know whats under it and it unsettles me, infuriates me. it hands me a palette with baby blues and pinks and tells me to paint over it to make a prettier painting. didnt i hate the eyes? wasnt it gross before?

i am not going to write why we need some grime in art, but its absence is disheartening. and to those who say hanged people in the streets or blighted villagers is dark and mature ill say no. its a kids idea of maturity, its the aesthetic of it with no substance. it means nothing to me if rook can just drench themselves in gallons of blight as they crawl through it. the horror of blight has never been the black goo and slimy tentacles, or the monster woman with way too many tits. it is watching people you love slowly fade away, it is a woman who was forced to cannibalise the contaminated flesh of her friends because the woman she loved betrayed her, it was the sheer scale and inevitability of it.

one area we go to is overrun by it and the game begs me to feel hopeful that flowers are growing again when it never let me lose hope. people have already prevailed, they have roofs over their heads and a steady supply of food on their tables. their spirit is unwavering.

its bad, everybody says. the sky is grey and soil is blackened, as my rook turns some statues to access a haunted house whos inhabitants are long gone and the only story they could ever tell is gone with them.

if the question is do i want to see famine? plague? misery? abuse? assault? the answer is yes. yes. i want to see it all of the filth. i rather face the fucking monster head on with its big bulging eyes and misshapen limbs than stare at the abyss its absence leaves on the canvas.

and if nothing else, this bastardization is disrespectful to the people who gave the IP its fame.

Why choose to be good?

back in the bsn days ive wondered why, even in a fictional universe where your choices have no real-life repercussions what-so-ever, players had more 'good' playthroughts than 'bad'?

what happens when you start killing NPCs, when youre needlessly mean to them? the game actively closes off its own content. you get less out of the game. just as, completely incidentally, you'd get less out of your life if you just started killing everyone around you. The world would be emptier, youd be alone.

in that quote i stole from good place chidi doesnt ask "why be good?" the wording is painfully deliberate. doing good is always a choice, and often not the easy one. what makes the act matter is that you chose to do it, even when given 6 other options not to. did i stop in the middle of an important quest to help a man retrieve an heirloom from a darkspawn infested hut? did i hear what that heirloom meant to him?

i cant stop thinking about that speech ever since playing this game after knowing its predecessors.

So, why do it then? Why choose to be good, every day, if there is no guaranteed reward we can count on, now or in the afterlife? I argue that we choose to be good because of our bonds with other people and our innate desire to treat them with dignity. Simply put, we are not in this alone.

i cant stop looking at this game that spits on its own legacy and think how could they have missed what fundamentally makes us human so bad, what makes us relate and empathise with eachother. what makes us pick the option to interact with an npc who openly hates what hawke is, and allow us to see the traumatised man underneath.

these characters of fiction are written by real people. i have absolutely nothing in common with a guy from canada yet for a brief moment in time i feel a sense of camaraderie as ive felt with goya that i couldnt articulate as a kid.

Nothing too terrible

DAV says it over and over again -as its wont to do with every piece of its flimsy morality- that people can change, people can be redeemed yet it shines as the game with most static characters in its franchise. it simply says things, and since it has nothing to show for it it makes sure to say it repeatedly, in case you missed it.

so when i first played DAO i was in high school, i started with a human noble because fresh out of dark side edgy kotor fame i wanted to be a posh brat. also because, ya kno, we were poor my entire life up until that point and i wanted to have power.

i committed to it, even as the game stripped cousland of everything he had, because i thought a man like him would. i picked the racist options, the sexist options, the options a man in couslands place would. halfway point of the game as i exhausted the initial dialogues something happened; this man who got paid to kill people, who showed no remorse nor care for his victims, begged my cousland to stil his blade.

and i did. i thought maybe he would be as confused as i was, maybe he had a moment of clarity but from thereon bit by bit he was less of an asshole. the characters grew around me, and my character grew around them. i chose to be good because -textually- we were in this together, at the end of all things.

rook is not a character, theyre a mascot. and quite frankly i think they may be a very evangelical mascot because they remind me of evangelical preachings of jesus more than the man from the bible (and i say this as someone whos only exposure to christianity has been through foreign media and the bible ive read that one time). they are the epitome of do no evil and their existence hinges on the frail concept of moral purity. theyre not a person trying to do good, who wants to be good, they are 'good'

-and lemme tell you its a wild choice to have someone like that locked in a prison of 'regret'-

rook can be mean to only one person in the game, and thats someone they dont even have a personal beef with for the most part. but even then they would be shouting at a wall because the game doesnt only undermine them with its narrative, but also every npc in the game suddenly gets possessed by the ghost of wattpad rejects past for a moment to tell them everyone can be redeemed. and i believe it because i played the other games, i believe it because i know zevran and sten and morrigan, isabela and thom and iron bull and dorian. i know it because i can see the vague shapes behind the new coat of paint but i am not rook.

so no, the game fails to get people-can-change points by its own merit, and it cannot gain points from its prequels because it destroyed them. none of those characters i watched grow exist in this universe. zevran cant exist with DAV crows, fenris` story cant exist in an imperium with invisible slaves only glimpsed through empty cages and broken chains left scattered on the ground. i dont know which morrigan this NPC is, is it the woman who grew to learn kindness, who begged to sleep with her friend just to save them despite knowing it would play into the plans of a destiny she so desperately tried to break free from? or is she the clever puppet her mother groomed her to be who wanted to harness the power of a god? i dont know her, i dont know this dorian or this isabela beyond their names ipso facto this is not a sequel.

bellara asks an assassin why he is trying to save the world and his answer is "ive done some things in the past im not too proud of. nothing too terrible, but some of it was bad." and i can hear the games desperation for me to not engage with its material in that 'nothing too terrible'

lucanis never killed anyone innocent, taash never harmed an animal they could shoo of or reason with, emmrich venerates the dead and is friends with every wisp he pulls to use in menial labour, davrin joined the wardens willingly because he wanted to do good...

rook tells harding that her anger is justified when shes not even allowed anger of her own.

nothing too terrible.

aside from creating boring and nonsensical and static characters it creates a dreadful echochamber that we're forced to sustain. No taash is not valid, their gender is but their behaviour is not and for the character to grow and mature it needs to be addressed. lucanis doesnt need to be pampered in shock blankets he needs to see how repressing his problems and jeopardising his health puts people around him in danger etc etc. they are adults and they need to learn more complex ways of healing. and if rooks flaw is that theyre an enabler, then that needs to be acknowledged by the narrative in some way too, and not mindlessly endorsed because they say some buzzwords.

none of these interpersonal relationships feels real because none of these people feel real beyond some draft of themes and tropes. some interactions literally remind me of two bots in facebook comments

i look at this dialogue wheel with familiar symbols and all im reminded of is hawke telling carver he carries every death with him, of him telling his uncle that he wasnt fast enough, of him begging the person he loves to tell him that his mothers death wasnt his fault.

and they dont. they just sit there with him.

[maplesyrupsainz]

˖⁺｡˚⋆˙coz i cant sleep in hotel rooms | CL16˖⁺｡˚⋆˙

pairing: charles leclerc x singer y/n reader (she/her)

genre: social media au, established relationship, relationship on the rocks

warnings: mentions of substances, a sad one sorryy tehe

summary: in which break up rumours circulate during a rough patch in their relationship

a/n: hii i feel like i could do a part 2 to this coz i cant leave my y/n like this

song

fc: holly humberstone

my masterlist

part 2!!!

instagram ->

yourusername

liked by oliviarodrigo, arthur_leclerc, and 50,219 others

yourusername solitude 🧘‍♀️

view all 7,183 comments

user1 IS THAT SONG LYRICS?

user2 is everything ok at home y/n lol

arthur_leclerc ❤️

liked by yourusername

user3 where is charles 😭

lilymhe missing your pretty face

yourusername miss you so so much

user4 mom where's dad

twitter ->

instagram ->

ynupdates

liked by user5, user2, and 9,938 others

ynupdates following an instagram post and tweet from y/n's own accounts along with no sightings together for 2 weeks, it's rumoured that y/n and boyfriend of 2 years f1 driver charles leclerc have split. sources close to the couple speculate it is due to their conflicting schedules which has put a strain on the relationship. we are sending our y/n/n all the love in the world right now ❤️‍🩹

view all 4,583 comments

user8 there's no way

user9 well at least the album is going to slap..

user10 I AM A CHILD OF DIVORCE

user11 i wont believe it until it's confirmed. it is so disrespectful to speculate on ppls private lives like this

user12 i feel like if he really loved her then conflicting schedules wouldnt matter 😕

user13 hit me right in the parasocial relationship

user14 everybodys up and left & i can barely catch my breath 😭😭

user15 this city's fine but im eternally unsatisfied 😭😭

yourusername

liked by lilymhe, yourbff, and 42,839 others

yourusername a couple more tequilas n i'll tell u how im feelin

tagged: yourbff, lilymhe

view all 5,384 comments

lilymhe love having fun with u

yourusername ty for cheering me up🥹

user16 the overkill lyric im not crying u are

arthur_leclerc dont think u need any more tequila

lilymhe let my girl live!

yourusername leclerc men love telling me what to do !

user17 IS THAT SHADE

yourbff i love u my girl foreverrr ♾️

yourusername i love u more my dearest 💗

twitter ->

instagram ->

charles_leclerc

liked by carlossainz55, pierregasly, and 698,383 others

charles_leclerc ☔️

tagged: arthur_leclerc

view all 8,945 comments

pierregasly where have u been that it's raining

charles_leclerc well london of course

user20 LONDON?? visiting y/n??

arthur_leclerc very cool very aesthetic

charles_leclerc well of course this is my instagram isnt it

user21 good luck in the next race charles ❤️❤️

user22 where's y/n

user23 blink twice if u need help

yourusername posted a story

liked by yourbff, lilymhe, landonorris, and 4,385 others

yourbff is everything ok?

yourusername jus going thru something 🤔

yourbff i noticed

lilymhe u will be ok

yourusername i will but what about us

yourusername

liked by oliviarodrigo, billieeilish, and 76,385 others

yourusername my song ‘ghost me’ is available to stream now on all platforms. i hope u like it ❤️

view all 6,183 comments

lilymhe i would never ghost u 👻

liked by yourusername

yourbff this 1 hurt i cant lie

landonorris beautiful as ever

user24 lando shooting his shot

pierregasly you are so talented y/n 🤍

user25 if u try to ghost me & quit being in my life dont u dare 😭😭

user26 kinda thought that i could handle the distance 😭😭

user27 if this isnt referencing her & charles living in different countries then idk

charles_leclerc ❤️

comment deleted by charles_leclerc

user28 did anyone else see that

messages ->

instagram ->

ynupdates

liked by user18, charles_leclerc, and 3,102 others

ynupdates y/n spotted at the airport in the early hours of the morning!

tagged: yourusername

view all 895 comments

user29 omg do u think she could be travelling to monaco for the gp this weekend??

ynupdates 🤞��

user30 CHARLES LIKED????

user31 charles liking this oh she is definitely going to monaco to see him

user32 this gives me hope😭

user33 my parents are still together my parents are still together my parents are still together

user34 did anyone talk to her??

ynupdates apparently she was in a rush & had a covid mask covering most of her face

yourusername

liked by landonorris, lilymhe, and 35,538 others

yourusername ✈️ ...

tagged: lilymhe, yourbff

view all 2,471 comments

yourbff im so giddy

yourusername u love being dragged around the world by me

yourbff so fr i do

lilymhe my best girls in the world!!

yourusername i am so glad to have met u

user35 i love their friendship

user36 y/n are you in monaco for the gp🥹

user37 she would never miss charles' home race imo

user38 ur glowing y/n 🫶

f1wagupdates

liked by user12, user32, and 5,933 others

f1wagupdates ferrari driver charles leclerc & long term musician girlfriend y/n y/l/n seen outside a restaurant tonight arguing. their relationship has been rumoured to be on the rocks recently – is this the end for them? source says they couldn't hear the entire conversation but heard snippets, click the link in our bio for all information.

tagged: yourusername, charles_leclerc

view all 1,843 comments

user39 this is so disrespectful

oliviarodrigo give them some privacy jesus christ

user40 omg hi olivia

user41 y/n was overheard saying she cant do it anymore 😭😭

user42 my heart is breaking for y/n omg poor girl has always said in interviews that she didn't even want to date long distance but charles made her fall for him 😭😭

user43 omg dont remind me i feel so sick :((

twitter ->

instagram ->

f1updates

liked by user32, user21, and 5,495 others

f1updates ferrari driver charles leclerc has crashed during the monaco grand prix today and has been rushed to seek medical attention. unfortunately no updates at this time.

tagged: charles_leclerc

view all 2,953 comments

user48 WHAT OH MY GOD

user49 omg sending my thoughts & prayers :((

user50 😮 i wonder if y/n is with him

user51 it's not about her rn..

user52 poor charles he was racing so well too😭

user53 omg it looked soo terrifying

messages ->

instagram ->

f1wagupdates

liked by user16, user38, and 2,584 others

f1wagupdates y/n y/l/n seen fleeing paparazzi following (ex?) boyfriend charles leclerc's crash in the monaco grand prix. is this the final nail in the coffin for this relationship?

tagged: charles_leclerc, yourusername

comments have been limited on this post

THE END ❤️

[drchucktingle]

mr. dr. chuck, i'm a few months ago i told a doc of mine that i believe i'm on the spectrum (after yeeeears of considering all the reasons why i thought so) and she agreed with me. then i came to some conclusions about members of my family. then i started melting down and haven't really recovered.

i'm in my 30's, but my life feels like it's been the mistake-addled 24th year for over a decade. people, choices, wants, they feel like things that were silly blips and not of much substance. i'm tired and my body hurts, so it feels harder to get to things i need. doctors don't seem like they can be trusted because of all the other ways i show up in the world.

i'm worried about my life and my future, and it feels like my magic is gone (or that i can't touch it right now). do you have any words of wisdom for someone who found out this really big thing about themselves kind of late?

thank you.

hello buckaroo thank you for writing. first of all i will say MOST IMPORTANT thing to remember is that it is okay and valid to FEEL the way that you feel. your reaction to this news or any news really is not wrong. that does not mean you cant wish for another reaction or WORK TOWARDS another reaction, but in grand cosmic sense this is just your way. YOUR TROT IS VALID and we all have our own unique way. sometimes that path is an easy path with sunny days and smiles and a glorious view, and sometimes it is through the darkness of shadows or crawling through the old bog. we can PREFER one path over the other, but neither is WRONG.

when giving advice old chuck tries to not PROJECT what i think YOU should do because that is not really the point. this is your trot to trot and i do not think it is my place to act like some authority of your way. what chuck can do is tell you MY story of diagnosis and how it made ME feel and maybe you can take little pieces of that for yourself.

chuck learned of way on autism spectrum when i was in early twenties by doctor who said 'yes this is your way'. when i learned of my spectrum way my reaction was: wow this is very very cool i am so lucky because all of my heroes are autistic and now i am in this RADICAL CLUB. we are special and unique and DANG what a treat wish i could have a membership card in my wallet to show all my buds.

now obviously this is not everyones reaction, but as starting off point i wonder what it would have meant to my future if the news would have HIT ME IN A BAD WAY. if i would have felt let a dang robot alien who didnt belong. maybe id be swimmin through the bog ever since.

thing is I LIKE ROBOT ALIENS they are very cool. doctor did not MAKE me different, i was different already, our talks just popped a nice little name on it for me to take or leave. i took the name proudly because DATA from stars trek (certified robot alien) is exactly how i already felt and dang what a cool character and dang what a great life. so was DAVID BYRNE. so was every cool buckaroo artist that i liked. cowboys are OUTSIDER HEROES and that is how my autism makes me feel.

so like i said, i do not know about YOUR way, but MY WAY of hearing this news was heaps of joy and excitement. i will also say that it is very DIFFICULT to find this reaction later if your first leap is feeling in a sad way about it. so maybe if you want to trot back in your mind to those first few steps it would be helpful. maybe mentally trot to where you were pushed off a dang cliff and think "well was i pushed off a cliff or was i just told 'hey bud youve been floating this whole time?"'

because if youve been floating then DANG thats a lot of power. thats not falling. you can float up, you can float down, you can float side to side.

the next thing i will say AS AND ARTIST is that years of toiling and feeling aimless are NEVER actually aimless when it comes to creation. and to LIVE in a human body is to be an artist, because you are CONSTANTLY CREATING the future. when i am writing and i dont have an idea for my next book that can be frustrating, but it is also PART of the process. if i walk to the store to rustle up my mind, or wander around the park, or spend a whole WEEK feeling weird because of writers block THAT IS ALL PART OF MAKING GREAT ART. that is not wasted time. in other words, your years of toiling are not wasted time, that is just the process we all have when we are creating a future masterpiece.

[cactuslester]

okay!!! oakland show post!

i had so so much funnnn it was the best night ever!!! i went alone and was pretty nervous because even though ive been to shows and concerts alone before, i'd never been to something that had so much "waiting time" like between the m&g and preshow & show, but truly everyone was so so friendly, and it was so easy to meet people and make friends in line, so if anyone is still wondering if they should get a ticket and are worried about going alone, DO IT. it's so worth it, and phannies are lovely <3

so the m&g! this is my first time meeting both of them so i was so nervous and so excited. the line moved faster than i was prepared for it to (sarah was at the front of the line making sure everyone had their cameras ready and knew what they wanted to get signed. i'm so face blind i kept thinking about how familiar she looked but didn't realize that was sarah until it was almost my turn lmaooo), but the actual interaction didn't feel rushed. i gave them the letters i had written for them. i had tried to get metallic green envelopes but couldn't find any, and i told them that, and dan immediately knew what i was talking about and pointed knowingly at phil lmao <3

i brought tabinof and a mini lesbian flag which was between the pages in case they'd have time to sign both and they did! while they were signing i asked my questions. i asked phil for book recs and he said project hail mary, which i think he's mentioned in a preshow before. he said it's space/sci fi and he really liked it. i asked dan his thoughts on this f1 season, and he said "i think it's been quite a good season! it started off and it was like 'max is gonna win everything' and then it was like 'no he's not 🤪'"

and then dan took our selfies, and i'm rly happy with how they turned out 🥺 so here's them being cute sans me lol

they are indeed really good at making you feel comfortable and just generally being very nice and chill. they sounded more british than i was expecting? which is crazy given i allegedly know exactly what they sound like having watched their videos for 12 years, but still, hearing it up close was still kinda crazy. they are indeed very spindly, im glad i wore platforms so i was at least a little bit taller than i usually am

i Did forget to ask phil my follow up question which was if he would ever do a book recs video/livestream, and i also forgot to tell them that the sappy shit and also some recs for boston food is in the letters, but w/e they'll read those sooner or later, and at least i rmred the most important things. oh also phil's blue eyed stare really is So intense, i can definitely see how his aura can be intimidating (but he rly was so sweet <3). dan is so teddy bear vibes though, not intimidating at all <3

i was towards the end of the m&g line, so after my m&g ended, preshow started ~45 minutes later. the energy at this preshow felt rly married and silly, it was so fun. they definitely have someone prune the phlit questions (but im not sure if whoever does it just grabs them randomly or if they actually read and pick which ones dnp read), since not all of my questions were answered. but i cant complain bc they answered two of mine, which i'll post the videos for tn. but i asked if they're digital hoarders, and they said no (liars), and then dan talked about how phil's desktop is disorganized. and i also asked about their fave recent horror movie, and they both said the substance, which i've been wanting to watch!

and oh my god the show itself was CRAZY. like even though i've been looking at spoilers this entire time, i still wasn't fully prepared (maybe i'll put my more spoilery thoughts in a reblog later). they were so energetic, and their stage presence is magnetic. i think it was a good night for them, as far as i remember, no lines were obviously Forgotten, and any tripping over lines was minor. the show had silly parts, it had serious parts, it was just so Them. you really can feel how comfortable and happy they feel in this new era and, like they talked about in the phukbang, that they feel that their audience is truly Theirs now. the show was so good i Did log onto ticketmaster and google flights to san diego after work today but due to flight prices and work, i fear it's not happening, but god i do want to see it again immediately 😔

finally, thank you to all the wonderful phannies i met!!! i had such a lovely time chatting w/carolina, esmeralda, orion, and winter, who aren't on tumblr 😔 and of course with molly @finalfeudfiend!!! we were seat neighbors, partners in phannie crimes for the night, and also they took my m&g video (mwah mwah tysmmmm molly <333). it was really so great to meet everyone, and all my worries about going alone were totally unfounded <3

here are the bracelets and photocards i got! the far left bracelet is from the vip merch bag, and the rest are from phannies, they say super amazing project, sister daniel, and father philip. i am sooo happy with my photocard pulls. the top row were from the pack that came w/vip merch, and the bottom row i got separately. impossible to pick faves really, but some of mine are of course uni hoodies, holographic hearts tongue out phil, phil looking so polite, and smiley peace sign dannie <333

and that's that! much love to dnp and phannies for making it such a wonderful night. having watched their videos for so long, it was so special to get to see and meet them, i had the best time ever <333

[ganondoodle]

something i just realized about the sages (ignoring how frustrating to use i find the sages abilities overall) when they get their enigma stone they are like wow look at how much stronger i am now!! when its really just a ... clone of them, without the parts that make them interesting- the personality, and they "give" it to you (it doesnt feel like its really yours tho bc, unlike botw, its not intergrated into your moveset- which could have been solved by just adding them to another ability wheel- so it doesnt even feel like they are really yours) but ok i can see why its stronger even if i find it boring to just duplicate the character isntead of actually making their ability be more-

but then at the very end, they join you in the battle and .. dont even make use of it? what where the engima stones even for then? i guess you could bend over backwards and say well its bc their powers cant reach you all the way down there so they have to physical join you- BUT .. when they are right next to you .. shouldnt the connection to them be back anyway? so their clones should return shouldnt they? or is the entire arena just so surpressive of that power that it wouldnt work either way? then again ... what was its use then to get them to have those stones? like how ultra hand is supposedly the focus of the game but doesnt matter to the narrative at all?

(can you unsummon them when they are there?? i havent tried it but i dont think so ..)

like obviously it would be wayy too chaotic if all sages where there twice, especially together with all the ganondorf clones too- but it kinda .. once again... makes it feel meaningless that you even got them the stones? sure they only get to you when you do it but its really just again another check box with no substance, isnt it?

(... actually .. did anyone actually need the stones? aside from ganondorf getting that huge powerup somehow- like even the original sages and sonia and stuff, are you telling me she couldnt rewind ..................................... a tea cup, on her own? or i guess the only time sonia does anythign with her stone is when she gives its power to raurus laserbeam attack he never does again ... and the other sages arent shown to gain anything from it either?? are they?? what even would minerus ability have been bc she wasnt a -utterly useless- mech back then ... the shield she does doesnt seem unique to her either bc rauru literally does it too after sonia gets falcon-punched to death to block ganondorfs .. goo beam .... i mean i guess it doesnt matter anyway bc all we see them actually do is .. stand around and talk, sometimes "hurt" (dirty) sometimes not ... so whatever i guess?)

[mysticalsharkcrown]

Can you write something were a vamipre mistakes the reader as his dead wife/husband or whatever in modern times and turns them idk this is up your alley or its cheesey but it could be whatever kind of short fic/ one-shot you like I need substancents

masc or fem vampire in particular? I am very intrigued 👀 I got a little idea for a fem reader that I might turn into a oneshot, though here's a few headcannons for now! (I may have written more than I intended too. Oops 😅)

Maybe the vampire catches the human in the corner of their eye at a coffee shop, and they just cant get them off of their mind.

Maybe a bit of stalking?

Maybe a hopeless romantic vampire who just wants to shower reader in gifts?

Or maybe even reader works at this coffee shop, and even though our vampire cant drink coffee, or eat the little sweets like cookies and pies and things, they still order these things just to see reader on a daily basis.

Maybe the vampire has some little logical voice that tells them that surely this person isn't their past love, but they just wish for it so bad- its nearly painful to see them everyday, but the pains even worse if they don't see them

And maybe reader is slowly falling in love with the vampire. A silly little thing- they don't even see the vampire drink or eat whatever they order, and they come in every day at the same time, so eventually, reader starts to suspect things. Not that they look like the vampire first partner- or that the vampire even is a vampire, but they at least think that the vampire must be coming in to see someone, so that makes some interesting workplace gossip.

Maybe they write their number on the bottom of a cup one day, and the vampire doesn't even notice, which makes the reader think the vampire is there for someone else

They're clueless. Both the reader and the vampire are, and from the outside, its so obvious, but yet so fucking cute to watch.

How do they actually meet? I don't exactly know. Maybe the vampire asks around one day when reader is sick, and gets their number that way? Or its simply fate, and they have some mutual friends that set each other up on a blind date.

Though maybe one day, the reader gets sick. Like really sick- and the vampire decides now may be their last chance with their partner- and the thought of losing them again is too much, so they turn them.

Or maybe, eventually reader finds out about the vampires whole thing- and it doesn't go over well. So maybe in a blind fit of hopelessness and anger, the vampire turns the human, thinking that this will make them be able to be together forever-

[core4writes]

Hiii... can you maybe write a story were y/n is very reckless and always get herself in danger and colby have enough of that and like fuck her roughly cause he is frustrated with her then later break down and admit his fear of losing her ..... idk if you are writing though and if you are comfortable with the whole thing.... feel free to ignore it if you don't!

Either way thank you!❤️

i will be glad to do it! i have never written smut before so i think ill just skip that part till i get better at it.

Reckless

warning: sad ig, mentions of drug substance, mentions of alcohol

stuff in bold are flashbacks

pairing: Colby Brock x reader fem pronouns



y/n pov:

this past week all i have been doing is going to party to party with kat and stas, and everyday i am greeted with a hangover. i wake up in bed today with a deadly headache, the sun shining in my face. i pull the blankets hoping to decrease the aggravating pain in my head, the blankets were ripped off of me. "No more." i heard colby voice and open my eye slightly.

"what do you mean no more?" with confusion i sit up, colby is still staring at me with anger. i can just tell when he is angry, he breathes  more heavy. "No more partying, i have had enough." i look at him with a sly smile "what did i do this time? oh wait did i throw up on you again? sorry if i did." i laugh it off.

"im serious y/n. do you remember nothing that happened last night?" he points at me "you could have died."

flashback 

me, stas, kat, sam and colby were at the las Vegas bar called 'XS Nightclub' the hot spot for partying. i down my 9th shot of vodka with kat and stas and we went out into the dance floor, sam and colby stay at the bar watching us.

third person pov:

colby leaned over to sam "do you see a change in y/n?" sam wanted to say no i mean y/n is one of his close friends she will never change, but he didnt want to lie to his best friend. "yeah dude, but if she is happy-" sam was cut off by colby "y/n didnt even like alcohol but now look at her, downing it like its nothing." colby sighs

sam and colby looks at y/n on the dance floor, y/n swings her hips to the music. someone tapped her on her shoulder, "excuse me, where are the bathrooms?"

y/n can not hear over the loud music "what? oh, its over there let me show you." y/n pointed to the entrance "okay." the tall girl says and then they just disappear.

colby thinks nothing of it because he trust his girlfriend, "man, i need another shot."

hours go by and stas and kat come back to sam and colby, "guys, we cant find y/n." colby looked at kat and stas with eyes wide open and his face went pale. "wait, what do you mean you cant find her she was just with you." stas looked at colby, "yeah but she went to show some girl the bathroom and never came back."

sam, colby, kat and stas looked everywhere for y/n. they didnt find her till they saw her outside the club walking down the street. "y/n, where are you going." colby runs up to y/n, "im going to the gas station im hungry." she said whiny.

"we are going home." colby says

end flashback

y/n pov:

"oh... im sorry." my voice quieted down

"sorry? your sorry? you could have gotten hurt, like kidnapped or hit by a bus." colby voice yelled.

"well im here now so." i said

"im scared of you leaving me okay? you change into this party animal and im scared of just losing you, the old you. And you don't talk to me about your problems anymore you're just so reckless. I need you,I need you to be here with me physically and mentally." colbys voice cracked.

The silence was heavy for minutes.

"I didn't know you felt like that. "Should've told me about that sooner I would understand." I say.

Colby crawls on the bed next to me, sobbing."I just don't wanna lose you." colby cries into my chest. "i know baby i know."

"i love you."

it was a little bit rushed at the end, my first writing piece ever hope I didn't do bad.💕

[voidedaurora]

i’m super sorry if i missed a screenshot or anything, but i am curious if mel admitting that she only interacted with you two sexually in order to do so with only you was over text or vc? since it’s your biggest claim here about the S/A (which i am NOT trying to say didn’t happen, i’m just concerned and hoping you have everything you need because a lot of people would doubt that), i really hope you can provide something for that in particular? thank you & i hope you recover from all of this.

Ur all good to ask dw ! I think I've stated this a couple times now but pretty much the only thing that I don't have in terms of evidence is her admitting that to me, It was during a vc and was sprung out of NOWHERE, she'd just asked if she could tell me something and then boom :,) I'd fully trusted her at the time and never had a reason to randomly record like that in the first place so I obviously wouldn't have been able to catch that Its a really difficult situation and I understand some people not believing what I have to say, it's completely normal to be weary about these things but I've been providing as much as I can so everyone has the context/proof needed to make their conclusions on whether to believe it happened or not with this, Its just very important to consider the context clues strewn throughout Clover, Mel, And I's entire friendship To add a bit MORE context here's a SS of her admitting she felt clover was in the way obviously this cant prove what was said but It adds a bit more context and substance to the whole "she only wanted to do things with me" thing :/ (I would dig for more right now but both clover and I are quite stressed and trying to relax a bit for now) Flat out stating that she felt that clover was in the way/getting between Mel and I

Also, very important screenshot I found to back up the fact she's lying ab us pressuring her to do "group activity" I was looking through our convos and 15 days before we all even did the THING she states here that she didn't feel pressured, aswell me OVERSTATING the fact she didn't have to go through with anything, very glad I found this

+ a longer ss of the convo for context

[darthzayn]

Well here I am at 29 instead of 92 writing this. Relooking through these pictures at this age you can tell when his flame started to go out and now I cant look at the pictures the same. I’m so sorry you felt so alone, Liam. Thank you for being a part of so many of our best memories and helping some of us through our darkest times. We wish it could have been returned. We’re so sorry you never got a chance to heal from the past and relearn how beautiful life can be. We’ll always remember you as our golden boy. I hope you feel nothing but peace now.

To anyone who may feel differently about him just know mental illness, trauma and substance abuse changes peoples true colors. That does not justify abusive behaviors and my heart goes out to those were hurt by his actions during that time, but considering he won’t have a chance to heal from what was causing his issues can we all agree to remember him as the boy we watched audition on BGT before the industry got its talons in him? His son, family, friends and Liam deserve that.

[roykiller07]

i am always so scared and avoidant of explaining my identity to anybody (even, if not especially, myself) in any more words than the vaguest description possible ("im trans these r my pronouns and im a lesbian") because i cant telepathically transmit my gender into their brain so theyll never understand the complexity of it and will think something is wrong with it because im 100% nothing if not a lesbian but my nonbinaryness does not necessarily exclude manhood but it also does at the same time?? idk. wish ppl would stop trying to get me to explain my nonbinary identity in binary terms (im ppl nobody is asking me to say anything more than what i already do)

that comedian was so right i am a man in the way that kraft singles are cheese. it presents like it would be in the same category, it tastes like an offputting version of the real cheeses, a lot of people would call it cheese and it calls itself cheese too unless legally restricted but when you look at the actual content it is an entirely completely different substance. which doesnt make it any less a cheese persay but certainly also makes it definitely NOT a cheese at the same time. and its way better on grilled cheese than normal cheese is. not sure how that fits into the metaphor but its important to me

the same can be said for the way that im a woman and for both a large majority of the "ingredients" are completely internalizations of external inputs instead of any actual innate part of my being, like being a girl in the weird girl by mommy long legs way or in the impact of growing up a girl in a sexist society way or in the betty grof way or in the autistic female cartoon characters way or in the when choosing which character was OUR character growing up amidst my siblings in any game or show, often ending up w the only girl instead of just anyone that resonated with me way (was always mad at the games/shows for only having one girl, never upset about having to be her instead of someone else unless one of my siblings took the cool genderless-esque one) (maya and zero from borderlands...) or in the im my mother's daughter way or like being a guy in the random stray cat of indeterminate sex way or in the when every new person got confused about my gender as an androgynous kid, laughing super hard with my whole class/whoever was there about how dumb they were but always avoiding answering/correcting them clearly and getting upset if someone else told them i was a girl way or in the feeling very uncomfortable when anyone but my family specifically called out that i was a girl as a kid way (when alex tried to tell me i was the ruler QUEEN not the ruler KING for my collection of rulers..... die) or in the im my brothers brother way or in the drag king way or in the tboy swag of harold tdi way or you know i could go on for literal eons and still feel like i didn't list enough. plus a lot of the items on BOTH lists apply to BOTH options

and besides that im also like totally disconnected from gender?? i definitely still feel agender and genderfluid at the same time all the time not to mention the constant banging at the door in the back of my head for catgender begging to be let out. overall point blank period i know that the reason i feel this way about my gender is because im autistic and when social constructs don't come naturally to me that includes gender. but that's never like. a definitive enough answer for other people or for my own sanity and it makes me mad because NOBODY UNDERSTANDSSS MEEEEEEE [emo crying on knees]

whatever who actually cares (me)

i think the last time i felt properly fully self expressed was when i was 10 and had a scratch account named mr fox and used a persona called mr fox on it and part of what was special about me was that my name was mr fox but i was actually a girl even though i would throw up if someone called me a miss or mrs

[h4venpha]

isagi mutual pinning drabble/idea i cant get out of my head nor can i write it cause the words are quite literally NOT coming out rn :(

but athletic trainer!reader and isagi the last ones in the clinic and .. mutual pinning sillies... he's walking in like practically drenched in sweat from playing and his navy fringe is sticking to his forehead. he's got this massive smile on his face, because even after a long, hard game, seeing you gives him a new burst of energy.

“Hey…” His Adam's apple bobbing as he pushed down his nervousness seeing you lean against the counter. It wasn’t every day he got the chance to be alone with you. Usually the clinic was loud and filled with sweaty players. But here, just you and him in the quiet room, he suddenly felt very aware of himself. “...Am I the last one here?” Isagi asked as he sat up on one of the exam tables.

“Yeah, actually, I was just about to start cleaning up.” You said and motioned to the messiness around the clinic. The open cabinets and drawers, forgotten sweat towels, quickly melting ice packs, and a pool of some sort of sticky blue substance on the tiled ground.

His eyebrows furrowed lightly. “Oh, sorry then,” he quickly said, suddenly feeling like it was stupid for him to be nervous when clearly you wanted to clean and leave. I’ll be quick, it’s just my-”

“-Your shoulder, right?” You finished for him.

His navy eyes widened. “...Yeah? How did you know?” And suddenly he grabbed the front of his jersey and pulled it up and over his head. Your face quickly reddened and you had to remind yourself that you were an athletic trainer doing your job, and that this wasn’t some sort of cliche romcom. Isagi was just another player on the team and you had to tend to his injuries…  except with blood rushing to your face and an unstoppable fluttering feeling in your chest.

and youre prodding your fingers around his shoulder and there's so much heat coming off his body like hes a heating pad or something. and it doesnt help your already-red-hot face. meanwhile isagi is hoping the fact that he jus finished a game is enough of an excuse for his pink cheeks and his heart still beating out of his chest.

youre wrapping his shoulder gently with the athletic tape and wrap and it just feels so?? intimate. like suddenly now that everyone's gone and you two are alone it feels strangely intimate and not something normal between player and athletic trainer. both of your hearts beating and breath stopping short after you finish wrapping him up. (and ofc he doesnt put his jersey back on in hopes to maybe sorta try and impress his crush in any kind of way (its working btw))

and isagi helps you clean up the clinic: putting the extra rolls of athletic wrap back into the cabinets where they belong, and wiping off the exam tables and doing literally anything he can to stay another minute or two with you in the clinic.

when you finish, you and isagi are both standing at the door with your belongings in hand, just kind of.. looking at each other. like so many unspoken words but a mutual understanding of just one more minute. youre admiring his sparkling doe eyes and how he always seems to have a small, sweet smile on his face when hes with you. he's admiring your cheeks and how he so badly wants to pinch them in between his fingers and tell you about how pretty you were. he's clearing his throat and adverting his eyes with a deep blush high on his cheeks as he opens the door for you with a playful bow. before you both part ways with the constant thought of each other lingering in the back of your minds.

[alexanderlightweight]

If prompts are open can I have more of the deruned!alec prompt, specifically angry and protective Magnus confronting people (clary, jace, Izzy)

Yeah, I'm a little bored and waiting for edits to finish before I write new chapters for active wips. Thanks @i-cant-think-of-one-meh

So here we go, enjoy!

~

It takes days for the pain to ebb enough for Alexander to sit up and breathe without choking on his own agony. 

Alexander’s body is no longer protected by angelic grace and it bears its wounds heavily, adjusting to its new normal.

And it is Magnus who wipes the sweat and tears from his skin. Who pieces Alexander back together with gentle, protective touches and bright magic that makes Alexander smile softly.

It’s a gift. Because at the beginning, it seemed that Alexander might  never smile again. 

And Magnus shores up his defenses and when, four days after he found Alexander huddling against Magnus’ wards, he’s reached out to, he snaps on his armor and he portals to the institute. 

Alec is still unconscious. But he’s given Magnus permission to make choices for him. Because Alexander doesn’t even trust himself, but he trusts Magnus, and Magnus has never betrayed that trust.

So Magnus portals to the Institute and he lets the wards wail as they announce his presence. Magic flickers around him and his heels click and clack loudly in the pristine halls.

Most of the shadowhunters in them look haunted, and they send scowls of distaste and hatred towards the group that demanded Magnus’ presence and aid.

“And what trouble have you three gotten into now, that makes you call an old warlock to meddle in shadowhunter business?” Magnus asks dangerously, his voice dark as he gets closer.  

“Ah Magnus.” Clary looks flustered and a little nervous. There is an empty daze to Jace’s eyes and he’s holding onto Isabelle almost desperately. 

And Isabelle, Alexander's precious younger sister, she looks devastated. 

Something in Magnus’ chest gives a satiated croon at the evidence of their suffering.

“We need help.” Clary admits. “We brought the cup back. But we still don’t know which warlock made the potion. Or how to track them.”

“And you might never know.” Magnus tells her cooly, examining his nails.

“What? Magnus, why aren’t you helping me?” She asks, as if Magnus is required to help her.

“You can’t afford me, Clarissa. I helped you pro-bono because you gave me something I wanted. It’s been made clear that what I want is no longer available, ergo, I am also no longer available.”

That catches all of their attention and Isabelle’s lips wobble and Jace grimaces, putting a hand on his side where his parabatai rune once lay. 

Magnus wonders if it’s still there, or if it’s gone like Alec’s is. If it has a scar, or if Jace is like Alec, desperate for the reminder of such a deep betrayal to be erased, forever.

“You mean you only helped me because of Alec?” Clary asks angrily, as though she has any right to be angry.

The Clave may have pardoned her, but Magnus never will. 

“Have you seen him? Have you seen Alec?” Izzy asks desperately, at the same time that Clary does.

“Alexander made his stance on seeing me again clear, Isabelle. I do not linger where I am not wanted.”

Izzy chokes, as if she’d held to some quiet and desperate hope that Magnus would solve her problems, one more time.

“Speaking of which, where is your lovely commander? I’ve heard some concerning rumors about him; they are rumors. Aren’t they?”

They stutter out a lackluster attempt to avoid answering and it turns into a lacking explanation that says nothing of substance until Clary finally mutters that Alec was ‘deruned’ and hasn’t been heard from since the process. As he exited through the portals of the Spiral Labyrinth, no one knows where he ended up. Or if he’s still alive.

And Izzy and Jace flinch like the word itself is salt on an open wound. 

“The only reason I ever helped you, beyond the original consultation and payment, was because I wanted him.” Magnus says it conversationally, as if it’s as obvious as vampires avoiding the sun. 

“And when your choices pulled him away from me. I let it go, because surely Alexander could make his own mistakes. I didn’t realize that he would always bear the consequences of your actions. And I never realized how little any of you would care that he would.”

Jace snarls at him and it’s an angry thing. But Magnus simply sniffs at him.

“Well now that you’ve truly destroyed any hope for me here, I will leave you to your lives. Maybe by the time you’re thirty, you’ll have figured it out.”

Magnus tuts and turns, hears Jace’s angry and upset shouts and Isabelle’s guilty and sad sobs and Clary, confused about it all and trying to make it better, but only making it worse.  

—

“It’s not the lack of the runes themselves that are causing him so much harm.”Brother Zacahariah —but always Jem to a precious few— tells Magnus telepathically.  “It is the lack of anchor, he is no longer tied to Raziel and his devotion has nowhere to go. His faith in Raziel and his family, his culture; it’s been broken too greatly to ever truly be healed.”

“So what do I do?” Magnus asks desperately. Cat is keeping Alexander in a healing trance, her magic stabilizing him as Magnus finds a way to heal and protect him. To keep him alive, because Magnus wants Alexander alive.

Magnus will do anything to keep Alexander and Alexander is letting him.

“You anchor Alec Lightwood to yourself. It is a heavy burden, to be someone’s reason for living. This will be a more intimate bond than you could ever imagine Magnus, you will become his world. His purpose for living, the reason for his every breath.

“Nephilim are powered by belief and devotion. You have enough divine blood, fallen though it is. And if he truly devotes himself to you, you will be stronger than even your father. Raziel is so powerful and untouchable for a reason, Magnus. It is because of the nephilim, who he created and who worship him in turn.”

Magnus is greedy and while he understands the weight of what Jem is saying, he’s selfish enough to admit that he wants what is being offered like a werewolf yearns for the moon. 

If Magnus does this. Alexander will never leave him. Alexander will never want to leave. And Magnus can make sure he never does.

“Anchor him to me Jem, he gave himself to me completely. I want this. I want him.”

Jem looks at him with a solemn gaze before nodding quietly. “Then I will help you steal a nephilim soul from Raziel, and bind it to yourself. He will share your immortality, as he will be your devotee.”

Glee crackles through Magnus’ body, a lust for becoming the most important being to someone, to Alexander specifically, lighting a thrill through his body. 

A stele —an old and elegant, almost deceptively delicate looking— is pressed to his palm. As Magnus watches, it lights up, glowing with the same light as the red suns of Edom do. He sears a rune onto Alexander’s skin, just above his heart. 

It is Magnus name, the rune his power claimed, the translation of himself, in the defiled and unholy language of fallen angels.

It burns. Magnus can feel Alexander shaking under Magnus' firm grip as he sears a place for himself onto Alexander’s body. 

Alexander is claimed, branded with Magnus’ mark.

He can feel him. The desperation. The hope. The depth of his devastation and the strength he clings to Magnus with. Hoarding the fact that Magnus is protecting him, will never betray him, like a dragon hoards its treasures.

“It is up to you what runes he bears. They will integrate better if you do them first.”

Magnus nods at the instructions and lets himself linger in thought. He traces the tender skin of Alexander’s anchor  to him, and knows what to use next. 

He replaces the deflect rune on Alexander’s neck with a similar one. Because something in him hungers for a rune Magnus has chosen, to be easy for others to see. He wants to be able to see it himself, curling above Alexander's shirt collars.  Wants to scratch over it with his nails when they sit together, or leave marks blurring the smooth lines of the rune with his teeth.

And most of all, Magnus will avoid using angelic runes as much as possible. It displeases Magnus to even think about Raziel’s marks claiming even an inch of Alexander’s skin.

Not when he now belongs to Magnus.

[art-of-mathematics]

i need to rant again (sorry in advance).

I feel very sad right now.

As I concretized what aspects I suffer under the most: it is primarily isolation and having nothing to do all day.

so i searched for volunteering opportunities.

(i want to volunteer) but seeing the offers for volunteering work almost being entirely a social volunteering activity made me very sad and frustrated.

and although i find that things like soup kitchen for homeless people are important and i value them - i do not know how i could integrate myself in there to do any activity where i would not just be entirely overchallenged by all social interactions stuffs. while also being bored of the tasks one could do here.

I searched further for any regular or any activities for autistic people or people with huge social inabilities- and it makes me so sad and angry... finding just the few scarce options i have also heard of already- occupational therapy, "work" therapy (which is very similar to occupational therapy), and then thats it for regular options.

for less regular options there is also very few options...

for volunteering work one also needs to be merely self-organized. and damn...

i just wish i had a job that i at least enjoy half of the tasks to do - and anything to do.

i hate being in this shitass huge city and having the same options as someone living in a damn tiny village... or forest.

//sarcastic: in a forest there might even be more options for me to engage with my environment than in this shitasshuge city of additional sensory torture...

it makes me so sad.

it feels futile.

like literally. the isolation and having nothing non-pointless to do make overcoming the shitty trauma far more difficult.

What can I do?

Talking with myself is an option I find even more depressing than just talking to no one for days.

its not even that i slightly like the isolation.

i hate it. i dread it! i prefer to live with some people in a shared flat. but this isolation chamber. i cannot take it.

but i mean: i am extremely privileged for living on my own, renting an apartment solely for myself. But I do not want to live for myself. It is isolating, debilitaing so. In a shared apartment there at least happens social interaction randomly, and I could even do the tasks I do already and would help someone with what i do. But this way its depressingly futile and lifeless.

I feel useless and like a damn burden.

This apartment I am living in is like the final storage facility of radiocative substances: its far away from any engagement places, on a mountain on the outermost edge of the city, with the only function to store and isolate the trash for many years and decades so it will finally fall apart one day, and does not annoy anyone with its existence.

damn. i feel so sad. i have very huge trouble sleeping since a week. i am tired. i am exhausted. breathing shallowly. cant focus. just mind fog. just shittt

am tired but cant sleep

can only complain.

i hate this futile attempt to "pull myself up by my own bootstraps". it is not only seriously energy-consuming, but also futile. But what else can i do?

fuck it. i am tired. yet cant sleep.

and dat thought circle now repeats itself 1000 times until i either get so angry or stressed that whatever might happen - or i might be able to navigate my fucked up mind into a different semi-disturbing thought topic.

i am tired.

yes, you are tired? tell me more about it. does it feel as if u got bread as brain?

yeah. totally. the bread is crumbling.

and what do we want to do with the crumbs now?

perhaps collect da crumbs, put it in a bowl (but not a holebowl) and then insert a liquid and stomp it very hard multiple times until it becomes dough again.

yay. we bake a tiny new brain bread now, dont we?

yeas, we do.

at least in our imagination it is that easy to get into a slightly better mental space - for few minutes - but that is a topic for another chapter.

no seriously. i have to come up with this kind of nonsense all the time because if i confuse myself with this kind of silly nonsense the shitty thoughts, feeling and memories get swirled around - and then they are less painful.

swirling the awful brain crumbs makes them feel as if they are disappeared - but only for the moment when i swirl the shit around. if the brain crumbsmsettle again it all starts to be unbearable again.

seriously this is exhausting. and why? damn why do i have to do this?

arent there more helpful/functional ways to deal with it?

if someone of you humans reading this knows a realitistic other functional compensation method, please feel free to tell me.

I am "am Ende meines Lateins" as that German saying goes. I have approached the end of having clues/ideas. Perhaps I have to accept I approached the invitable: the last station to Burnout and Boreout all at once!

the ring of running in a hamster wheel closes itself as the hamster approached light speed and time began to stand still.

as time stood still, all that was existent was the dead hamsters haunting memories,

still haunting him after he already succesfully died in one of his recursive nightmares.

but uhh. recursive nightmares are of a special kind... i assure you... but dont be sure about anything, thats for sure...

.. and that, my dear human beans, that is true irony.

legendary.

at least i can laugh about it - somehow. anyhow. whatever.