#if this is all over the place and doesn't make sense sorry

[ellatehe]

sidelines

pairing - rafe cameron x fishermandaughter!pouge!reader

summary - rafe and reader meet again at a kook party kiara dragged reader to.

warnings - none

part 1!

the sun is setting, casting a warm orange and pink hue over the horizon, and despite my reluctance to be here, i find myself standing at the entrance of the country club, the sound of music and laughter leaking out from inside. kiara dragged me to this kook party, her usual carefree attitude shown as she pulled me along. "it's just dinner, we'll survive. plus, if i have to suffer through it, so do you."

"yeah," i mutter under my breath, following her as she walked up the steps.

we head inside, and the instant i step through the door, i glace around, feeling out of place immediately. everything looks too perfect. the guests, their outfits, the food; all of it screams money.

kiara, though, is putting on a good show. she greets people with easy smiles, but there's a tightness to her expression. "i'm just gonna grab something to drink, you good?" she asks, her tone casual.

"yeah, i'll be fine," i say, giving her a small smile. "go do your thing."

kiara nods and disappears into the crowd, and i'm left standing there, pretending i know how to mingle with people who all seem to have some secret code i don't understand.

i make my way to the corner, trying to avoid awkward eye contact with anyone, when i spot him. rafe.

of course.

i knew it was only a matter of time before i ran into him again. it's not like he's just anyone, hes rafe cameron.

i freeze for a second, suddenly aware of just how much this party is not my thing. i glace around the room and realize that everyone here is just pretending. pretending to have a good time, pretending they're not as uncomfortable as i feel, but rafe... he's different. he's standing near the bar with a small group of people, his posture relaxed but his gaze sharp. he looks like he belongs, and i'd be lying if i said it didn't piss me off a little.

i shift my weight, considering leaving the room wholly, when kiara calls out for me, voice loud enough to break my focus. i turn to see her waving me over to a table with some of her family and friends, and as i take a step forward, i bump into someone.

"watch where you're going," he says, his voice low, but the words are almost playful. rafe.

his eyes meet mine, and for a second, it's like the entire room drops away. his gaze is heavy, intense, and it feels like i'm caught in something i don't understand. i force myself to look away, my heart suddenly racing.

"sorry," i mumble, trying to step around him, but of course, he isn't moving. he's just standing there, like he knows exactly what just happened, like he's waiting for me to trip over myself.

"didn't expect to see you here," he says, tone light, with an underlying sharpness to it.

i glace at kie, who's distracted by conversation, completely oblivious to the fact that i'm face to face with one of the kooks i've been trying to avoid. "yeah, kie dragged me along," i say, shrugging, trying to act casual, as if his presence doesn't have some weird effect on me.

rafe smirks. "of course she did." he takes a slow sip from his glass, not taking his eyes off me. "what's your excuse for putting up with this?"

i blink, caught off guard by his question. "excuse?"

he shrugs, "yeah, you don't seem like the dinner party type," he explains, looking me up and down.

"just here for kiara," i reply.

rafe raises an eyebrow, and his lips twitch like he's about to laugh at my awkwardness. "sure." what is with him and that word?

before i can say anything else, a voice cuts in from behind us, and i feel a strange sense of relief. it's jj, dragging me away with an exaggerated apology. "don't mean to interrupt here but, kiara needs you for the... thing. you know. the thing."

i glace at rafe one last time, catching the smirk still playing at his lips, it's like he's got me figured out, like he knows exactly how out of place i feel.

i force a smile and walk off with jj, but all i can think about is how effortlessly rafe can make everything feel uncomfortable. and i can't help but wonder if i'm going to run into him again tonight.

[queer-obsession]

Just a small drabble. Kenma has a high maintenance girlfriend and has no idea (read: he doesn't care and thinks you're way too amazing for him). Song below makes me think of the dynamic

Warnings: Kenma x Fem!Reader, she/her pronouns used for reader, you're into your appearance and typical "feminine" things (by heteronormative standards) in this one, you are just mentioned in this, not actually in it. it's more of a conversation between kenma and kuroo, sorry. really short, i could expand the concept into a fic in the future.

Kuroo looks over Kenma's shoulder to see what's distracting him from Kuroo's riveting story of his last business trip and is surprised to see Kenma confirming an online order. "Buying a new game?" Kuroo asks with a grin.

Kenma rolls his eyes and leans away from him in response. "No. I ordered a new bag for ____ ." His tone suggests it's nothing out of the ordinary, and it isn't, but it still causes Kuroo to raise an eyebrow.

"She's kinda high maintenance, huh?" Kuroo comments his thoughts out loud.

Kenma scrunches his face up as he looks at Kuroo like he's stupid. "No."

Kuroo pauses for a moment and just blinks because Kenma is not naive or oblivious. In fact, he's able to read people almost freakishly well because of his anxious obsession of staying a head of people so they can't catch him off guard and humiliate him or something. There is no way Kenma is oblivious to your tendencies. "You're buying her another handbag..." Kuroo says slowly.

Kenma grunts in response and looks back at his phone. "A tote bag," He mutters the correction. "And I'm buying her it because she carries so much shit in her bag it hurts her shoulders. This is supposed to be internally padded without it being noticeable."

"And...you don't think that's...high maintenance?" Kuroo inquires as if speaking to a child.

Kenma huffs in annoyance and looks up at Kuroo again. "No. She's easier to please than my cat."

Now Kuroo is seriously confused. "What?"

Kenma looks at him like he's stupid again. Kuroo feels like he's on the outside of some inside joke. "I bought her a year's worth of nail sets for valentine's day and she was skipping places for the next week," Kenma tells him bluntly. "She's so easy to please, it's ridiculous."

Kuroo looks at him in bewilderment. "Kenma, she gets a new nail set every month and she hardly ever wears the same outfit twice. She gets embarrassed if someone sees her when she's not fully done up."

Kenma purses his lips. "Yeah. She likes when people admire her," He tells Kuroo as if it's obvious. Kuroo is genuinely so lost right now. "That's not high maintenance, it's easy to understand. If she was super complicated to read and clingy, and nothing pleased her then she'd be high maintenance. She's not any of that."

Huh, Kuroo never really thought about it like that, but he supposes it makes sense for a guy like Kenma. He likes things straightforward and he appreciates people who understand him and his need for solitude. You're straightforward in what you want, you don't expect Kenma to make himself uncomfortable to please you by demanding he takes you places or anything, and you're fine to give him alone time since you like alone time too. Kuroo supposes you being a little materialistic and into your appearance doesn't bother Kenma since it's simple and he seems to be able to understand it, which is all he cares about.

And, now that Kuroo thinks about it, it's not like you ask for Kenma to do any of the things he does. You were into fashion and being done up long before you met Kenma, to the point that Kenma didn't believe you were into him for a while because you seemed so out of his league. It's not like you sought Kenma out because you wanted a guy to pay for your nails. Ever since Kuroo has met you you've had a new nail set every month, happily showing it off. Now, Kenma pays for it though, and he almost looks as happy as you do when you show off your new set to him. Maybe that's what Kenma meant. You are pretty easy to please in that regard and maybe Kenma likes pleasing you, and seeing remnants of it whenever you wear something he bought you or have a new hair style he payed for. Kenma isn't good with words, but he's decent with actions. Maybe he likes that he can please you so easily with actions.

Kuroo smiles at his friend and chuckles to himself. "Well, whatever you say, Kynma. She's your girl."

Kenma scrunches up his nose and turns back to his phone. "Don't call me that."

[lsunstreakerl]

more dark redbull, they've completely invaded my brain, sorry guys. I bring you 1.5k words, from max's POV!

Redbull is... weird. Jos had taught Max a lot of things over his life, where to go and what to expect and how to survive, but all of it seems fragile and wrong in the face of Max's team.

They're so present. Not that Max would know a whole lot, because he'd had a rough patch earlier in the year, losing his tonsils and Jos all in one go. He doesn't remember much of it either- the medication the hospital had sent him home with was really strong.

There's a week or two there where Max doesn't remember anything, honestly. He'd had his tonsils taken out, and Jos had disappeared. Apparently, Max was so out of it he'd tripped at GP and Alice's place- home, they've been adamant about him calling it home- and he'd accidentally cut himself on something, a thin line running vertical across his right wrist.

GP and Alice are diligent about making sure it's healed well, and Max has been scolded more than once for pressing at it. He's not great at anatomy, but it almost feels like there's a hard bump there, where there shouldn't be anything.

Then again- he's a racing driver, not a doctor, so the anatomy of it all is probably right and he's just overthinking. Max pets gently at Lois, curled in his lap. He'd mentioned once that he'd had animals when he was younger, that he missed them, and later that evening he'd gotten a cat.

He leans down to kiss Lois between the ears before standing up, dropping her gently onto his pillow.

The Lambiase's had gotten him a room setup startlingly fast. He's got his own things on the second floor, even if his windows are stiff and don't open more than a few inches.

They're also much more diligent about making sure Max rests. He understood it when he had his tonsils removed, but apparently they're like that all the time. It's weird.

It's not just GP and Alice- the whole team has quirks. Max feels like there's always a pit crew member around when he's at the track, keeping an eye on him. He's starting to learn if he can't see one, he's not looking hard enough. They're touchy as well- there's always a hand on his shoulder, feet knocking into his ankles, arms wrapped over him or around him or lifting him in the air.

The team doesn't really have a sense of personal space, especially if Max has done well. He'll find himself being carried, legs on someone's shoulder and large palms across the top of his thighs, always a few more crew members around to watch him.

Christian tolerates it- Max would almost say he encourages it. He'll wrap a hand around Max's ankle or shin, squeezing gently as he looks from him to the team, and he always seems so self assured about it. Smug, even.

Max doesn't mind. They take such good care of him, and he doesn't have to worry about bars or partying. Somehow, there hasn't been a single leaked photo of him at a party, and Max is never hungover when he wakes up.

Things are fuzzy after a bad race, which had never happened to Max before Redbull. It's one of the weirder things. They'll have the team debriefs, dissect and discuss everything that went wrong. Somehow, it's never entirely Max's fault.

GP will grab him a smoothie halfway through the debrief, and then they'll go home, or back to a hotel room. GP always stays, watches documentaries on the TV with Max as his eyes get heavy and he eventually nods off.

He didn't used to get so tired after races- especially bad ones. He used to overthink them constantly, struggle to sleep afterwards, spend hours on the sim trying to fix it.

Now he just takes a nap.

It never happens on a good race though, which Max appreciates. His brain may have decided to get weird about things, but he's never sleepy when they're out celebrating.

He has good teammates too. Max isn't quite sure what he's doing, finds himself tucked under Daniel's arm after FP's, or half sprawled across Carlos's lap at a bar.

It's where he's at now, actually. Carlos's hands are broad where they're supporting Max at his waist, the heat of them feels like a brand through the thin shirt he's wearing. Daniel has wandered back over, drinks in his hand. He sets one down next to Carlos with a grin and a wink before holding one up near Max.

"You want a G&T?"

That's a stupid question, Max always wants G&T. He nods, and Daniel grins at him, hand moving to gently tilt his head back, fingers burning on his cheek as he raises his voice to be heard over the music.

"Tilt your head!"

Max lets his jaw drop open, strobe lights flashing across his eyes, Carlos's hands on him, Daniel's fingers wrapping warm across the hinge of his jaw, the cool glass against his lips as Daniel pours the drink into his mouth.

He thinks he sees a mechanic watching from the bar, but there's usually more than one at parties, and Max has long since stopped worrying about a picture leaking. It never happens.

He dutifully swallows, feels it burn down his throat as Daniel pulls the glass away, wolf-whistling at him.

"Goddamn Maxy! Atta boy!"

Max grins, feels a little bit loopy with it as he leans forward, crossing his arms around the back of Carlos's neck as he slumps a bit into his chest, grinning up at Daniel.

He feels a bit untouchable, sometimes. He wonders if the others pick up on it- Max somehow always gets what he wants, the preferred strategy or the upgrades. He hasn't had an uncomfortable question angled at him in press conferences in months. He's sitting in Carlos's lap while Daniel's eyes are very clearly looking at him- and not his face.

At the same time, Max is very touchable. Sometimes he feels just as Redbull as the cans they drink from, so ingrained in the team it feels more like ownership. The mechanics touch him all the time. Carlos had quite literally pulled Max off the dance floor and down onto his lap. Daniel sees nothing wrong with waterfalling liquor into his mouth- knows Max will let him.

Christian will occasionally settle his palm across the nape of Max's neck during a conversation and keep it there, hand heavy.

As far as Max is concerned- GP is the ultimate authority. Max knows Christian is the boss, but even he and Helmut defer to GP when it comes to Max. He doesn't mind, has GP and Alice as his emergency contacts and medical proxy. They take good care of him, and even when he'd felt better after his surgery and tried to leave, they'd convinced him to stay.

Max is glad they did. He'd be much lonelier in his own flat by himself somewhere.

The idea of Max being lonely is a little bit hilarious- the team would never let that happen- and he giggles into Carlos's neck, lips lightly brushing his skin.

Carlos shivers underneath him, and Max swears he can hear Daniel's voice, velvet soft, reminding Carlos to behave.

Carlos leans his head back a bit, smiling fondly at Max.

"Something funny?"

Max wobbles his head in a so-so motion before he sees Carlos look up slightly, face hardening.

He twist in his lap a bit to look behind him, and his eyes widen.

Toto Wolff has walked over, bourbon glass held lightly between his long fingers. He's looking down at Max, appraising, and Max feels like oil is sliding down his spine, pressing in a bit closer to Carlos.

Wolff hums, eyes tracing the details of Max's face, his shoulders and his arms, down to where Carlos has his arms wrapped around his waist.

Daniel has stepped closer, a line of heat by Max's shoulder.

"Hey mate. Can we help you?"

Wolff tilts his head slightly.

"Just curious what all the fuss is about. Christian isn't one to get so... involved."

He glances down at Max again, lip curling at one side.

"I can see why he's made an exception here."

Max doesn't like him. Doesn't like him, doesn't want him here, doesn't want him at this bar or at their party.

He catches movement out of the corner of his eye, spots team members start making their way through the crowd in their direction.

A few mechanics from the bar, a strategy team member from the dart board, a couple of engineers stepping away from the dance floor.

Max swallows.

"I think you should leave."

Wolff is looking at him again, but something about makes Max uncomfortable, like there's a conversation happening he doesn't understand. His eyes drag across Max's face, slow and leisurely, like he knows they can all see him and he doesn't care.

"You have an undetermined contract length, yes? Rare, for Redbull to give one of those out."

Max feels Carlos tighten his arms around him as Daniel takes another step forward, between Max and Wolff.

"I think he was pretty clear, yeah? Time for you to go."

Wolff raises his hands in a mock surrender, looking at the way he's subtly but suddenly been surrounded by Redbull team members.

"Down, boys. I wasn't going to do anything."

His eyes flick back to Max.

"Tell Christian I think his little pet project is cute."

[twstfanblog]

Hey there my lovely oomf <3

can we have some lovely bonding time with Jamil during Chinese new year?

like maybe they’re making a dish to celebrate and it ends with a kiss or smth.

thank you for your time!

Chinese New Year Prep

Jamil x Reader

"I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing"

The prefect could only glance to the side, smiling sheepishly, "Okay. But...sorry-"

Jamil sighed, closing his eyes as he poured cooked redbean paste filling into a waiting mason jar to be cooled, "Prefect. It's fine."

"...Okay, but-"

"Look me in the eyes, right now."

They, of course, weren't going to do that. So they turned away from the annoyed vice, focusing on cleaning the third whole fish for the festivities. The prefect had made what could only be deemed a cardinal sin, mentioning their homesickness to Kalim. He had been more than willing to hear them out, offering his shoulder and ear to their plight as they talked about their home.

Making the terrible mistake of explaining Chinese New Year to the housewarden.

Now Kalim was set on throwing a New Years party, no matter what they nor Jamil did to stop him. Jamil was only willing to let them help with the sudden prep because they had insisted to the vice there were rules. And as nice as Kalim was, they were not going to let him fuck up their New Years luck.

"I just...even back home it's a lot sometimes. I can only think how big Kalim is going to make this." They finally glance to Jamil's annoyed expression, "Just...sorry..."

Sighing, Jamil reached a hand out to gently tuck a hair behind the prefect's ear, "Don't apologize for being homesick. From what you told me and Kalim, this is a big celebration for family and friends. It only makes sense you'd get sad."

"Yeah..."

"..." Jamil used the back end of a spoon, scooping up a bit of cooled lotus seed filling and offering it to the prefect's mouth, "Try this, I want to have the expert's opinion."

Laughing a bit, they opened their mouth to let Jamil feed them by hand. Humming, they felt the homesickness ease at the familiar tastes, "It's really good. How many fillings did you make again?"

Jamil looked to the multiple sealed jars of various fillings along the countertop, "Most likely too many. You gave us two traditional flavors, but the dough is so simple that I agreed with Kalim you could really fill them with anything. So I made...a lot."

"You're lucky there wasn't enough time to make salted egg yolks. They're the best, but I think with all the other fillings it should still be balanced."

Jamil hummed, turning to the prefect, "I've been meaning to ask. This is a lot of prep and regulations for a single day of celebration. I know it's a big holiday, but why can't we clean until it's been five days since the new year?"

"Ok...so...I told you there were a lot of rules...and there are...because its the new year, a lot of things are reset and set up so you have to prep your luck for the year."

"Ok? That doesn't answer why I can't clean-"

"It's bad luck. You can only clean once the fifth day happens. And afterwards the other days are good to clean as you need-"

Jamil snaps over to them, eyes narrowed in suspension, "Other days...what other days?"

"..." The prefect touches the tips of their fingers together, smiling nervously as they attempted to step farther away, "The New Years Festival lasts fifteen days..."

"..." Jamil grabbed their arm, pulling them closer and placing a hand to their cheek, "The one you behold is your master."

"J-jamil!?" They laughed, trying to pull and turn away from the vice.

"When I ask you a question, you will answer." He didn't release them, wrapping his arms around their waist.

"Jamil, calm down! I'm not going to tell Kalim, I swear!"

[shadesofmauve]

In most cases I moved clusters to make routes clearer, not to suggest they were actually in a different location (with a few exceptions if the text indicated they should be somewhere specific). Because clusters are so far apart, relay connections matter more to galactic tactics than absolute location*. Hence the visual distance from Sol to Arcturus; at this scale they should overlap, but it'd make the map useless, so they don't. I'm assuming that happens a lot, so to some extent it's more like a tube-station map than a geographic one. Of course, if you accept this it makes the map even more a matter of guesswork, because you can't trust proximity.

(Yikes, so sorry I haven't been using read-mores, y'all)

"going with what what you suggest can entail a) changing the relative positions of some clusters to shorten the distance between them to make it possible for them to be linked by a secondary relay (which you're already doing), b) challenge and/or tweak and/or discard the primary/secondary relay distinction, or c) both."

D) none of the above. ;) Specifically, rather than moving clusters closer, the other way to make these connections is by adding un-named clusters in the middle. That would allow for a primary-relay type distance ("Thousands of light years") to be covered by several secondary-relays ("hundreds of light years").

Unfortunately, that doesn't jive with the canon that Harsa<-->Exodus is a direct connection! it also breaks the 'tree' structure, and that structure is lore-important (all roads lead to the Citadel).

(...speaking of which, I'm also deleting the Arcturus<-->Serpent route. Humanity just can't have that kind of access to the Citadel until they've colonized Exodus.)

So, I'm seeing a "secondary relay" option that screws up the map patterns, or ignoring the secondary/primary distinction and adding more primary point-to-point relays... but then we're stuck, again, at wondering how these species managed to avoid each other.

Oh — here's another possibility! It seems silly, given the amount of exploration, but:

relays "are "cold" objects that don't emit any form of heat or radiation, unlike starships, making them difficult to find..."

Could the Harsa-Exodus and Aethon-Apien be primary relays that are farther out from their stars than expected, unnoticed because space is big?

Admittedly, it sounds a little bit like Holly's excuse, but the Normandy's stealth drive also relies on "space is big, maybe no one is looking exactly here". (They leave no heat traces to find them later, but are still visible if there's light and if you're looking in the right place at the right time). Such a 'hidden' relay would have to be far enough from it's star that there's not much visible light.

Like a blocked or difficult-to-open relay, the idea holds more water if there are other obvious avenues of exploration to take their attention. You might not explore too carefully out near the heliopause if you had obvious greener pastures through another relay nearby.

*The big caveat here is that speed and travel time is another giant can of worms in Mass Effect. The actual numbers put the standard FTL cruising speed at 4380 times the speed of light ("12 light years in a day"), with reapers considerably faster. That means that without relays you could cross the galaxy in a bit over twenty years (if you could go through the middle and didn't have to stop for pee breaks drive discharge). If they're really going that fast, suddenly Arcturus is only three days away from Sol without bothering with relays, and absolute location in space matters more again. (Personally, I deal with this by slowing everyone the fuck down. It makes relay dependence and 'holding' a relay against the reapers make a lot more sense if they go "only" 2000x the speed of light, instead of 4380. But how much you buy that speed # makes a difference in what kind of map is useful to your military).

Mass Effect galaxy map

(For the Rhi Shepard universe)

I've been writing, if by 'writing' one means 'making a new galaxy map to use as a reference, because I'm too picky.'

I copied some symbology from Droot1986's excellent galaxy map. I also used Engorn's map as a reference, but ultimately the clusters and connections are based on the wiki. All systems within a cluster are listed, with inhabited planets in parentheses.

(...yeah, I should probably make a legend, but I only made it for my reference, so).

Features/changes

The relay in the Sol system only connects to Arcturus. This is how it's supposed to work in canon lore; Arcturus is important because it's a gateway system, while Sol is a dead end.

(Also, Sol is now in basically the right place compared to the underlying artist's impression of the milky way. Thank you NASA.)

Batarian's now have some space of their own, because lumping all batarian space into the human Systems Alliance was just BEGGING for a war. Like, WTF. Their government is flat out evil but that doesn't mean we just get to say their planets are ours now.

Combined inner and outer council space because idgaf.

There's a new, boringly named relay between Kite's Nest, Petra, and Exodus, because I needed one in chapter 14.

If a cluster had written lore about where it was in the galaxy, I tried to reflect that — so Styx Theta, Hawking Eta, and the Pangea Expanse are all close to the galactic core, Sentry Omega is on a political border, etc. Otherwise, I adjusted location to make the relay routes clearer. (Also I wanted the giant hub that is Omega to be almost opposite the Serpent Nebula and the Citadel)..

I imagine that there are actually a LOT more mapped clusters in Council Space than we see; they were just never relevant to the game. If not, the vaunted 'all relays lead to the Citadel' reaper web is just flat out wrong. Omega has more connections, and quite a few other clusters have as many. If there are more inhabited clusters in Citadel Space it also makes the veritable explosion of humanity look a little less ridiculous. (Seriously, humans have been on the galactic scene for thirty years. LOOK at how far we've gone. Council races are right to be freakin' terrified, the Sol system was like one of those plants with exploding seed pods where you bump it and POOF now they're EVERYWHERE). So let's assume the rest of the galaxy is as cluttered as Systems Alliance space, it's just not been relevant to our anthropocentric bag of dicks worldview.

Anyway. What the fuck is even up with the Attican Traverse?

[printeroo]

Star Trek TNG 3×21 – "Hollow Pursuits"

Little commentary from someone that found themselves in Barclay and cried over this episode (I can explain myself, swear).

As soon as I started this episode, I disliked how Geordi spoke of Barclay – and then how literally everyone else spoke of him. Considering he hasn't done anything wrong other than be akward (and being late to work – which is something to be criticised for but that's not the biggest issue certain members of the crew have with Barclay) it felt just plain mean to me to talk about him the way they do. Especially behind his back.

Now, I don't want it to seem like I think everyone's evil and bad for being unkind to Barclay because I understand that people like him (myself included) are difficult to work and interact with. It's okay to be frustrated with the kind of person he is, but I think they were doing too much.

Also, when I started the episode, I was immediately put off by Barclay's holodeck fantasy. Not the part where he assaults LaForge and Riker – it's very common for someone to feel hatred towards their boss, I think this is just that – but more so his interaction with fake Troi. I definitely found it creepy and figured Troi would be at least uncomfortable if she were to find out. But further on in the episode I realized that that, along with beating up his superiors, is very important to understand Barclay's character. His holodeck adventures with Troi are more than just having a crush on someone and fantasizing about getting with them. Because, despite how it might be presented, the biggest focus in these scenarios is not Troi but the concept of Barclay being confident enough to get a girl and enter conflict when he deems necessary. When he's in the holodeck, alone – despite the simulations, he doesn't stutter. He's not nervous. He can relax. This is all opposite when he's at work or with Troi (the real one) because he's interacting with real, sentient people capable of judging, hating, and bullying him. And that's what's on his mind, causing him to be the way he is.

Like Guinan said: "If I felt that nobody wanted to talk to me, I'd probably be late and nervous too." (I just wanna say how much I love Guinan for everything she said to Geordi in this episode. She's genuinely very kind, and doesn't judge Barclay for being a difficult person.)

I was going to put videos just for comparison between him in the holodeck vs him in real life, with Troi, but there's a 1-video-per-post policy. Hate that. But I'll explain – in the holodeck he's easily speaking without stuttering and his movements are smooth and look effortless (he can even make eye contact with her.) Unlike him with the real Troi, where he's struggling to form a sentence and tries really hard to look relaxed and casual. It's like a Clark Kent/Superman contrast except Barclay's not faking the akwardness.

The scene after Geordi catches Barclay in the holodeck, where they're talking in Ten-Forward, was my breaking point. Barclay talks about how he's always scared of forgetting someone's name, never knows what to with his hands which causes him to always fidget nervously, how he's so terrible at social interactions he has to practice what he would talk about at a function beforehand, but when he gets there he can't find the confidence to let one word out. And then Geordi says he's "just shy" and Barclay acts as if he's been described that way a million times and it just isn't that simple. And he tells Geordi he doesn't understand, no one around him could ever understand.

(^I just really like this piece of dialogue lol because like.... yeah man I get it)

Geordi tries (and in the end succeeds) to help Barclay be more confident. These scenes did make me cringe while watching, though. As you could guess, I'm very shy. So shy in fact that working on the Enterprise sounds like a nightmare. There's so many people and your job is so important and the consequences of messing up could be catastrophic. So, seeing Geordi bring Barclay on THE BRIDGE (aka the most important place on the ship) with THE CAPTAIN (aka the most important person on the ship) made me very nervous because I for sure wouldn't be able to handle the situation. If I were Barclay I'd be tearing up the whole time and when Picard calls me "Broccoli" I might just run to my quarters and cry so hard I throw up and scream till I pass out. I sound dramatic (and I might be) but it just really is that big of a deal for some people. But despite that, I can understand that this helps Barclay build confidence, which is exactly what he needs.

And in the end it's Barclay who saved the day. By being confident enough to voice his opinion. Something that I am very proud of him for because I still find it extremely difficult. And in the end he doesn't get a "thank you" from a superior. Geordi does, from Riker. And when Riker hears that Barclay was involved he doesn't think about thanking him as well, but it's okay. Because Geordi tells Barclay he's glad he was there to help, which is enough validation and assurance to get Barclay started. At least, it would be for me.

This is an odd episode because the main plot is that there's just this guy who's kinda weird (has social anxiety) and no one likes him. But at the same time, I really needed to watch it. For better or for worse, it felt like it was made specifically for me.

(after typing this out I found out that reg will be a recurring, and I think important, character which i am actually very glad to hear. it also means someone might care about what i have to say about him)

[merlins-strawberriesandroses]

TO be honest. I don’t understand what it means when people say Merlin was Arthur’s bane. Mayhaps I misunderstand but. Arthur was a bit of an assassination magnet (not to mention all those magical creatures and bandits... so many bandits), and Merlin actively prevented Arthur's death for years, which would have occured without him anway in the very first episode. I can see why one might argue that Merlin was just delaying the inevitable, or that he didn't succeed in keeping Arthur safe until Arthur could enact the golden age, but certainly I don’t see how he could have been Arthur’s bane.

Also, it’s implied in the last episode that the golden age does occur, but under Guinevere. Which makes sense as she knew Merlin was the sorcerer and that she was pleased about it (and I recall it was confirmed in interviews), so I also don’t follow the twin train of thought that Merlin was his own bane or even Camelot’s. Camelot was already bane-d(?) under Uther. But partly because of Merlin's steady friendship, Arthur matured into a king who was kinder than his father. He also actively sought magic's aid on multiple occasions, so he knew magic had potential for good (like healing his queen) without Merlin needing to tell him about his magic.

I don't think it's fair to say Camelot's laws on magic remaining relatively static was because no one close to Arthur came out as having magic. There was still much risk in that, and for Merlin a lot at stake, not just his life. A law change was still possible (and almost seemed to be set up that way) without Arthur needing someone he was personally close to having to do the work to humanize it for him (in the sense that the episodes with the druids, the druid boy with Elyan, and the dolma seemed like they were pointing to a law change because Arthur sees the diversity of magic and those who have it).

At worst Merlin’s efforts didn’t change the status quo, but we do have things indicating that they did. And Merlin was not single-mindedly serving Arthur at the expense of everyone else. He saved Camelot as a whole multiple times. He was also very willing to stick out his neck for many others even during the height of his anxiety and agitation in season 5. (Also only being slightly silly when I say this, but he was also THE wingman for Arthur when he was getting with Gwen, so in a way Merlin’s help led to their courting being a success and thus contributed to her being in a great position to change the laws. so personally I give points to Merlin for that). Most of the decisions centering Arthur's safety seemed to stem from the fear that Albion would crumble before it began if Arthur were to die, so he tried his best to prevent that from happening in any way he knew. (Like, when Arthur is dying, Merlin asks "So I failed?" regarding the whole golden age thing, which I think is telling that the prophesy and his role in it was still VERY much at the forefront of Merlin's mind).

And this is a digression but I know people think Merlin should have done more for Camelot, or for folks with magic (like, as a revolutionary or something akin), which I understand but no one reached out to network with him really? It'd require resources, people (always confused why there weren't a whole bunch more folks offering Merlin material/intellectual/emotional support if they thought he should be the one to bring about the golden age. all he was told was that the forseen way it actually happens succesfully is through Arthur), time (I doubt it’d have been much of a ‘quicker’ way necessarily), and incredible planning + foresight if it's meant to be something that works out effectively + long-term. Okay I think I've digressed enough now. This is a whole seperate thought that I don't think I'm gonna do any justice here lol, and I'm already rambling, so I'll stop now :,)

But anyway, in terms of being his own or Arthur’s bane, we know Arthur will return, and we don’t know how Merlin spent his years. His magic can play with time and maybe he learns how to control that, or he could have entered a stasis like in various legends, etc etc etc. And I mean it is tragic on many levels, and it’s sad we didn’t see Arthur’s arc completed, and that Merlin sacrificed so much for a goal that didn't get much acknowledgment by the show at the end, but still. I don’t think Merlin was Arthur’s bane, or Camelot’s, or his own.

[lunabug2004]

**Warning: this post is not actually Byler or Stranger Things related (specifically)! Rather, it is a post about the blog, more specifically why I haven't been very active recently, but I do mention these things and I tagged them bc they are what my blog is about, therefore the ppl who know me probably do through these tags, so it felt right to do so. If anyone would like me to remove these tags, just say the words and I will!**

I'm writing this post because I want to apologize for being so inactive lately. Now, I know there's not anyone who sits and waits for me to post or celebrated every time I post or anything like that, but I still feel guilty. I've felt like such a part of the Byler (and ST) community here on Tumblr for the short amount of time that I've been on here, so idk, I just feel like I'm letting myself down ig, and possibly others for not contributing to this community I love so much.

I realize this is kinda sounding like a goodbye post, but it's absolutely not! It's actually kinda the opposite, because I'm here to say that I'm going to try to start posting regularly again! However... I still can't say that in full confidence just yet.

I'm now going to go into the reason(s) I've been so distant from this blog lately, and it may get a little personal, so feel free to scroll past if you don't wanna read anything more :) [also very slight trigger warning for bad mental states and terminal illness]

Okay, I'm aware I just said "reasons", as in plural, but there's really only one main reason that has kinda branched off into more (in a way). So what started it all: my uncle, who I've grown up quite close to, as all my family is very close (for example, growing up, we would have "family night"s every weekend where all ~10 of us would sit around and play games, laughing and talking for hours on end) was diagnosed with a very rapidly spreading terminal illness. Now, I'm not going to go into enough detail to say what it is, but I will say that his current life expectancy is 2-5 years, probably even less due to his severity. He also has a 13 year old daughter, who is now being faced with this awful situation, as well. This whole thing, as one would probably guess, has rocked my family to the core.

I think I've mentioned this before, but I am someone who does not get emotional. I rarely ever cry. I bring this up because one of the reasons I'm finding it hard to be active is because right now, I'm dealing with a lot of guilt and grief and part of the reason I'm feeling it so deeply is because I haven't cried over him yet. I feel like an awful human being, I feel like an awful niece. I just feel awful. His daughter, that I mentioned before, has always been closer to me than any of my other (younger) cousins have, so I feel even more awful for her and the fact that she is having to deal with all of this at such a young age. Anyways, to get to the point, these past few months I've been feeling like absolute garbage, and I've been so mad at the world it's honestly not even describable.

Okay, now, where does this blog come in? Well, at first I distanced myself just because I couldn't find the motivation to post, however I was still using ST and Byler to distract myself from it all. I couldn't think about really anything but my family, ST, and finals by the last week of this school semester. Then, finally, because of the break, I could sit down and find pure comfort in both Stranger Things (and my favorite Thai BLs) again. I thought about actively posting on the blog again. But then the wrapping happened. And it's like one of the only things that was bringing me comfort was also suddenly bringing me immense sadness at the same time. I knew it was coming, so I thought I would be ready, but it really overwhelmed me, and I lost all of my motivation yet again. After the comfort of spending Christmas with my family, including my uncle, I wouldn't say I feel better but I've at least more-so come to terms with everything. And I've also, still needing my #1 comfort show, already gone back to watching ST, so I finally feel like I'll be able to post again.

Now, there's other things that have been contributing to my stress, such as school in general, the thought that I might not want to be a math teacher after all (despite wanting that for as long as I can remember), my parents being stupid, and other stuff. But this is the main thing plaguing my life and my thoughts at the moment so... yeah.

I understand that this is probably stupid to some, talking about my blog and Stranger Things when this awful thing is happening in my life, and I also understand that most people probably won't even read this, but this blog and community is truly something that brings me joy, and I felt like all the the friends I've felt I've made on here deserved some type of explanation for my sudden disappearance.

If you've made it this far, congrats! I'm sorry I put you through reading this! I hope to see you when I make my next post, which will hopefully be very soon! <3

[butchharts]

How naive is the lamb, really? It has seen you around before, lurking in the shadows of the woods. All it can make out are your eyes—gleaming with interest. The lamb has grown curious about you too, ignoring the hushed whispers and warnings from the others because what do they know?

It slips away from the flock, glancing back toward the void as if waiting for something. You’re aware of its movements because you’ve been watching, biding your time for a chance to be alone.

Meeting face to face is strange but exhilarating nonetheless. Your meal has brought itself right to you—what a witless beast.

Circling the lamb, it watches with a sort of giddy anticipation. You get ever closer until your heavy paws press against its thick coat. The lamb buckling with ease under the weight and power.

You expect to find wide eyes filled with fear looking up at you, yet you’re slightly perturbed to instead discover a look of desire. What kind of foolish creature desires to be consumed?

As the lamb presents its soft neck to you, it's a bit unnerving.

Wondering who’s truly prey and who’s predator.

[sunsetsover]

i hope yall can forgive me but i just need to be sappy for a minute

2024 for has been a really, really difficult year for me personally. tbh, the reason i started watching bls was because i desperately needed an escape from reality and romances always do that for me regardless of format. (and like tbh how was i supposed to resist a live action omegaverse show be so fr) and tbh it was only supposed to be one or two but i really ended up liking them and then i found not me which led me to finding the eclipse bc of first and then there was never any going back.

i contemplated coming this blog for a while before i actually did. i knew my old fandom was dead and i knew i wasn't going to be actually interacting with anyone much bc i was watching shows that were a year old minimum and no one would really be talking abt them anymore. plus i thought i was too old to be in a fandom if im honest. but i ended up doing it anyway partially bc i just had too much shit to say about the untamed and the eclipse and i needed somewhere to say it, but mostly bc i really just needed somewhere to be normal. like everywhere else in my life i felt like i needed to be On all the time or walking on eggshells and i just needed somewhere where i could just be, yknow? where i could just be lauren and have fun and not worry about how it might be perceived or how im supposed to be acting, even if i was just talking to myself

anyway sad as it might sound coming back here has probably been the highlight of my year. actually no watching the eclipse for the first time was probably the highlight of my year but this is a close second. especially since the heart killers has started airing. tbh i was genuinely having fun talking to myself in the tags but interacting with people and having people interacting with me and being able to over analyse this show like i used to and reading other people's analysis posts and tags has been so much fun and reminded me how much fun being an active part of a fandom can be, and for that i am so grateful.

i know this may seem like such a silly post to make esp considering this blog is tiny and only a handful of people actually interact with me but i need yall to know that the little interactions have honestly meant the world to me over these past few months. like you guys cant possibly know how nice it feels not only to have this space to just exist without having to think about all the other stuff going on in my life, but to have people actually respond? like my posts? leave nice tags? idk i just think i needed that. like dramatic as it sounds it was kinda like ok you do still exist. you're still here. we haven't lost you yet.

anyway the point of this post was to just say thank you for giving me this little bubble and for making me laugh and for being so kind and funny and talented and being a light in the world. because you are. every one of you. and that i love you. even if we've never spoken or interacted with each others posts, i love you. and i want to say that i'm proud of you all. from the bottom of my heart. i know it's hard out here. i know when i suffer i don't suffer alone. i know many of you have your own problems you're likely running away from here just like i am. and so i wanted you to know that i love you and i'm proud of you even if all you manage is to wake up in the morning. i'm proud of you all for getting through it even when it's hard and you feel aimless and pointless and don't know what to do. i know i'm just some random person on the internet, but if i can type words that make you smile and you can type words that make me smile, isn't that enough? to know that we both have so much value here despite how it feels sometimes?

so i pray that whatever has been difficult and heavy this past year can be left in 2024, and that 2025 will be kinder to all of us. i hope that we all find the strength to get through what we can't leave behind yet. and above all, i hope you're safe, and i hope you keep finding happiness where it is, which is often not some far off place but right here and right now.

lots of love, auntie lauren xoxo

[the-mang0tree]

My boi you cannot keep dropping such incredible/interesting transformers AUs and expect me not to get invested in them

I need more lore on all of them and i need them NOW!!!

IM SORRY LMAO 😭😭 i get crazy inspired by songs

i can tell u abt this last one, but there's not much, the idea popped to my head this morning lol 😭

everyone's shocked by op's death, because it was at the hands of an autobot !! not megan, not a decepticon, but a trusted bot. peace talks were ready to take place, but they almost didn't happen bc of it, since the bots thought the cons had brainwashed that mech into offlining oppy

im thinking megs and op weren't ever really close, not even before the war, like they were just figureheads of their own factions that opposed each other, they were never friends. so op dies, megs is very obviously shocked and angry like everyone else, since they're accusing Her faction of something they didn't do

one day he finds op on his room, looking all blue and transparent and snooping around. after triple checking with soundwave (+ some deep contemplation about possibly hitting his head recently) he accepts that his fate is being annoyed to death by his ex-enemy (they become friends eventually, hurray)

some Loong time later, peace is achieved, she doesn't step up to become leader like everyone said she would, and instead aims to just try to live a normal life. except literally Everyone is scared of him to some degree, he obviously has no friends (that are alive) and frankly it's making him depressed and angry that he can't go to the store without everyone running away (even if it was kinda funny at the beginning). so oppy decides to start teaching him to be nice and to start trusting others, it's safe to say megs is not a great student but is at least trying

[chemicalarospec]

this is gonna sound ridiculous. but you ever seen someone into one fandom and it doesn't bother you, but you can tell from their approach to that, that if they got into a specific other fandom you'd be soooo annoyed by the way they're a fan.

[ilovettrpgs]

rip Magnus Carter you would have loved causing problems for the general public and also not having mad cow syndrome

[yngai]

we are winning at levels never before thought possible it seems, after making the wrong choice of becoming an ada wong fan & having to subsist off the crumbs of characterization given to me in in-game files, supplemental material & scant lines of dialog it seems capcom is truly going to give me everything i have ever wanted :

probably giving ada the best DLC in the franchise, a meaningful relationship with a character that isn't leon that seems to take precedent in her story over her few chance encounters with leon in RE4R ( i have a feeling her & luis' history gives their dynamic far more meaning than his little rollercoaster ride with leon ), cool sci-fi contacts replacing the glasses she never really used in the original, integrating her grapple hook in her combat when it was sadly only ever used for traversal, actual content specifically designed for her campaign & not just reused arenas from the main game ( some of these are from the original carried over to ada but i think her performing the coolest thing leon does in the original, dodging the lasers, is sick ), finally positioning wesker as an antagonist in ada's story directly rather than him hanging over her like a school headmaster trying to play mindgames .

it's honestly so personally rewarding to see capcom go to such lengths for a character they have otherwise neglected, even in a game like re6 where she carries the emotional core of the story ( in specific her developing relationship with carla as she learns she is more than just some lab-made doppelganger, which was sadly undercooked - like most of the game, despite the explosions )

[cosmicredcadet]

I fucking hate the "let people do whatever they want! It's just a fictional character!" argument in fandom spaces so fucking much. That argument isn't just used by aphobes it's also used by racists and ableists all the time and it's just exhausting to be in fandom spaces nowadays. No matter how much we tell them that fiction does in fact affect our reality these people simply aren't willing to listen. Just because you personally aren't affected doesn't suddenly mean that fiction doesn't have any effect on reality for anyone!! I hate how much people weaponise anti-censorship arguments against minorities. They just want to push us out of their communities by any means necessary. That's it. They don't want us in spaces that they consider as theirs.

The thing about the "let people do whatever they want" argument is that no individual has the ability to stop and censor another. no one is forcing anyone to stop, it's actually impossible to do so and they know that - what they're actually arguing is that "no one should judge me for what i do" "No one should voice disapproval or complain about what I'm doing" "I should be able to do what i want without social consequences." "people should always be tolerant of what I'm doing"

It's never been about "Letting people do what they want" but rather "you shouldn't be allowed to dislike me for what I do." they don't think they should be judged for their bigoted views that are thinly veiled behind "it's just fiction!". They don't want to be questioned about their underlying biases because they've built themselves up on being good and an ally - but it's all a performance. an appearance. they're more afraid of appearing racist or phobic rather than actually not being racist or phobic. They play the part of a good ally until they need to actually deconstruct their world view and how they interact with the world. then it's too much work and actually we're being unreasonable and getting upset over nothing. you see this a lot when they try to use loopholes to still seem progressive while also supporting their bigoted ideas.

In the end, anyone can do whatever they want; but that means anyone can judge you too. anyone can decide they don't like you for whatever reason. people can criticize you and form opinions around your actions. While the characters are fake, how you treat them is real. If you show no respect for fake minorities then how can anyone trust you to show respect for real ones?

[teenagefeeling]

am i seriously starting to see jokes about asexuals on my dash again??? i chose the wrong time to accept myself.....