#if therapy costs so much then stop paying for it then. see if i care

[kriegborderlands-moved]

i’m so fucking tired

[weixuldo]

Enigma// ch 18

anakin x reader

a/n: shit man, stuff is getting tough! i really didn’t think this fic was gonna b as long as it’s becoming hahaha/ ngl even if ppl r losing interest, im still gonna continue it for me heheh- i really like this story :)

The night gets worse and worse

warnings: cursing, cannon disabled character, insecurity, alcohol abuse, emtephobia (barf and stuff…), DONT DO WHAT ANAKIN DOES PLS LORD, ableist comments

_______________________________

As it does, time went by and you tried to move on.

When school ended you moved in with Ahsoka and split rent; it was nice having your best friend around whenever you needed it, plus the two of you shared groceries so the cost of living was much more affordable than if you had gotten your own place. 

As much as you tried to remove Anakin from your mind, he just wouldn’t seem to leave so you enlisted the help of a professional. 

You would go to therapy sessions twice a week; not solely because of Anakin but he definitely was part of it.

Mainly you went to try and deal with the reality of being such a young mother and work on letting your stress out in positive ways: though on occasion you would try to gain insight on your relationship with the older man.

When the therapist asked about him, you explained all he had been through and let her know you knew some of the reasons he acted the way he did; but your therapist assured you no matter the reasons, that didn’t negate the validity of your feelings. 

The first few times you went you were skeptical; how was talking to some random person supposed to help you feel relieved and emotionally stable?

But after a few sessions, you started to see a difference in your moods and outlook on things. 

It was a few days after Anakin’s results came in that Ash told you about the visit she paid Anakin; she recapped her argument with him, his relapse, and that she made him go to the clinic, she told you that she would relay his results to you as soon as she could. 

You worried that she would be upset that you didn’t tell her that he was the father or that the two of you were together, but she brushed it off, “I kinda had a feeling, ya know?”.

You felt bad that he relapsed and was all alone, but then you remembered he was alone on his own merit, his behavior pushed those who cared most away… it wasn’t your fault. 

You didn’t know how long fertility tests usually took, but you awaited the results anxiously.

Every day you woke up hoping that maybe he would reach out or that maybe he would show up at your door, but each time you only set yourself up for disappointment. 

It had been around a week after Ahsoka told you he got the test; sure these things took some time, but he should have the results by now.

You weighed the option of just asking him flat out because you were frankly over his asshole hermit bit. 

The weather was nice and you didn’t have any responsibilities today… ok, maybe you would pay him a visit. You rested a palm on your stomach as you bent over to grab your shoes from the shoe rack; you were definitely showing much more than you were during the first trimester. 

You were about to head out when your phone began to ring; it was Ahsoka.

“Hey Ash, what's up?” you asked as you searched for your keys. 

I finally got it

“Got what?”

It took a lot of coaxing, but I finally got the results

You stopped at the door and placed your keys back onto the counter top; maybe you wouldn’t have to see him. 

y/n…he’s viable.

A weight felt like it had been lifted from your chest, now he had undeniable proof you were telling the truth the whole time- everything he said was for nothing and you were vindicated. 

“That’s amazing news'' you exclaimed into the phone; surely your friend could hear the huge smile on your face just from your voice. 

Yea, but what are you going to do now? He’s the father and now he knows it… you aren’t just going to let him back in after all he did, right?

“No Ash, He knows the truth now and if he wants this or is mature enough, he will come to me and apologize. The ball is in his court” you explained.

Atta girl

You smiled at your friend’s support, “Thanks Ahsoka” 

Anytime

The phone call ended and you went back to your room- hopefully you would be hearing an apology soon or at least hearing from him in general. 

_______________________________________

Across town Anakin sat on his couch and absentmindedly flipped through the channels on his tv; he told Ahsoka the news this morning and it drained him to make the call.

Ahsoka thanked him for getting the test and asked how he felt about the news. He answered quickly and hung up. He knew she was going to tell you and that he should tell you himself and apologize. But what would that do?

It would just solidify that he was a complete asshole- you deserved so much better. Surely you would do the same that he did to you…shut you down completely and demand you leave. 

Maker, why was he such an arrogant shit?

His half drunk mind wasn’t operating at full capacity and he was making a lot of dumb rationalizations to his problems;

You already thought he was an asshole, so why even bother telling you the news himself? 

You deserved better so he should just disappear from your life and not weigh you down.

He really nothing going for him, so fuck it- he was gonna get shitfaced. 

Soon he had made his way back to the couch with a six pack of bud lite and he cracked the first one. Cheers to the pathetic joke that was his life. He gulped them down one by one and sooner than he thought, the pack was already gone. 

He had a good buzz going and went to fetch more but when he scanned his messy fridge for the tinted glass bottles he couldn’t find any. 

“Fuck” he muttered, that was his last case. 

He groaned and slammed the fridge door shut. There was nothing here to cure his itch for alcohol, so he decided tonight would be a great night to go out and get shitfaced in public, cause why the fuck not?

He got his phone out and grabbed one of the many styluses he had scattered through the house for his convenience. He called for an uber to pick him up.

As he waited he changed into pants, a long sleeve, and his gloves- it had been awhile since he had gone out and he forgot what a hassle it was to put all of that shit on. 

By the time he was dressed and collected his wallet, the uber was there. Anakin was an experienced drinker, so even though he already had six beers packed away, he could sober up if he needed to be able to get into the bar. 

The car he rode in was a nice sedan, it was silver and looked like a new model; the problem for Anakin was getting in. All of the cars he usually rode in (yours, Ahsoka’s, Ben’s, and his own) were bigger and sat higher up, so he wasn’t used to having to crouch down to get in. 

He sighed and placed a stiff hand on the roof of the car to steady himself as he lowered himself into the car; he sat with a thud and grunted.

The driver was probably only a few years his junior- he wore big circle glasses, a patterned button down and had a clean shaven face. He looked like a pushover.

Anakin winced at the overwhelming smell of eucalyptus that entered his senses; he wondered how this guy was driving for a job like this- how would he defend himself against a potential threat? By throwing his eucalyptus at them?

Ahh, what was he doing? He was being judgmental for no reason. 

“Are you alright sir?” the man asked.

“Yea, i’m fine,” Anakin said, crossing his arms. 

The man nodded and began to drive to the bar Anakin had entered into the app. 

The bar he wanted to go to was one in the heart of the city, he didn’t want to talk to anyone tonight, but he also didn’t want to be alone; this bar was perfect for that because there were always people doing some random shit that he could eavesdrop on. 

They pulled up to the curb and the driver parked the car. Anakin thanked the man and opened the door to exit. Maker, he was getting nauseous from that fucking air freshener. 

He swung one leg out of the car and pushed himself up with his opposite hand. He stood and grabbed onto the hood of the car with his hand; that was harder than it had to be… damn these prosthetics. 

Once he was standing he shut the door just as the driver was asking if he needed any assistance.

Groups of people crowded around the entrance of the establishment. Some were old regulars whose teeth looked like they were gonna fall out from all of the substances they abused and on the other side there were a group of younger kids who were trying to figure out who was going to try out their fake ID first. 

He scoffed as he pushed through both groups to get inside. The bar was warm and smelled of weed, smoke, and liquor- relief washed over the melancholic man, this is where he would be able to forget. 

An open barstool was soon occupied by him and a bartender quickly made her way down to his seat. 

“I’ll have some of that honey bourbon I've been hearing people rave about” he said, a $10 bill folded between his fingers. 

“Alright, hun, that’s commin’ right up” the busty lady on the other side of the counter said as she grabbed the 10 from his hand, her hand lingering longer than he liked. 

Anakin could tell she was trying to flirt to get a better tip; back before you, he would have gladly indulged her game and revel in every motion she would do to purposefully push up her breasts and flirt back 5 times harder than she was… but now, he had no desire.

All he could think of when she tried to flirt was how he’d much rather be having a quiet night with you, not some bartender who didn’t give a rat’s ass about his life.

His drink was placed in front of him and the woman smiled, “here you are handsome”.

Normally that wouldn’t bother him- she was just doing her job… But tonight he just couldn’t. 

Once he thanked her, she sauntered away; Anakin raised a judgey brow as she intentionally swayed her hips back and forth. When she was finally busy with another customer he called over one of the other bartenders.

“Hey man, you think you could serve me tonight, I don’t really appreciate all of her flirting” he said as blankly as he could. 

The man cleaning glasses on the other side of the mahogany surface chuckled and nodded, “haha, yes man, no problem. She does lay it on pretty hard sometimes, I get it”.

Anakin thanked the man and continued to down drinks. 

As it got later, more and more people began showing up and it became uncomfortably hot. The music started to give him a headache and the smoke was getting thicker; he knew it was time to go when he could hardly suppress his coughing (no thanks to his fucked up lungs). 

The cool evening air felt cleaner than it ever had before as Anakin stood a few yards down from the bar. He had gotten far enough out of the way that he could still hear and see the lights from inside but no line was around him.

He shoved his hands into his pockets and looked up at the sky; the city’s light pollution hid the stars; he still liked to imagine how they’d look. 

He had no idea how much he had in that bar, but he felt like it wasn’t enough- he needed to do something crazy- he needed to interact with people. He wasn’t completely gone yet, but he was pretty drunk (even if he wouldn’t admit it). 

He stumbled down the sidewalk as he made his way to another bar, not far from where he was, that was a “no-smoking” establishment; he wouldn’t have to worry about choking on air there.

The sidewalk seemed to move as he steadied himself by placing a hand on the wall of the buildings on the way to his destination. 

He was feeling pretty good; his problems were far from his mind, instead he was focusing on getting to the bar. He finally made it and attempted to sit on the barstool that just couldn’t seem to sit still. Eventually he caught a bartender’s attention and got set up there with a 20 oz draft beer. 

This bar was crowded too, but less head-pounding music and young adults. He sipped his drink peacefully as he watched the others in the bar; there were a few couples on dates, a group of guys playing pool, and another group throwing darts. 

He downed his beer and placed the glass on the bar as he waited for more- this was definitely one way to spend his army money. 

As he waited a brown haired woman came up behind him and placed a lingering hand on his shoulder.

“Hello, you look lonely tonight, anything I could help with?”.

The lady wore a dress that was way too short and it did not flatter her body at all. She smelled of overwhelming cheap perfume and beer. He was already over it. 

“Nah, I’m just fine,” he said, attempting to wave her off.

She caught one of his gloved hands and began taking off his covering as she asked, “ooh, you have very stiff hands, must be strong-lets see..”.

She managed to get the glove halfway up his palm before he snatched his hand to his chest; “what the fuck you think you’re doing?!” he hissed.

She laughed, “You’re like a robot or somethin’ haha, I’m sure I could please you better than that plastic could, and I only require a pack of cigs after, no monetary charge” she promoted proudly. 

“Not in a million years lady” Anakin mumbled as his cup was replaced with a full one. 

She scoffed and put her hands on her hips, “well that’s alright, I didn’t really want to fuck a cripple anyways”.

At that moment Anakin had the urge to grab her by that pathetic excuse of a dress and throw her against the nearest wall, but he knew he shouldn’t.

“Fuck off”

“No wonder you look lonely, with a personality like that you must be impossible to be around” she huffed before finding the next guy to latch on to. 

He was getting drunker and her words hit a little too close to home- he needed to be more wasted. He began to find random people who would do shots with him. Soon he was blacked out and drinking with everyone. 

“ and i-its its sooo fucked, ‘cause I… I really do love her, but she… I don’t think s-she… I don’t know, WHO WANTS TO DO MORE SHOTS?!” Anakin was everywhere.

He sat at the bar and did two hurricane shots right after another (where you drink it then get water thrown in your face then the bartender slaps you across the face). He was at the point that he couldn’t even feel that-he was gone. 

Though soon after, the shots began catching up with him and he started feeling nauseous. He laid his forehead down on the bar and puked in between his legs and the counter. Some people around offered to help and the bartender got him some water; he insisted he didn’t need it but the alcohol was definitely making him dehydrated. 

Through the middle of sounds he heard a staff member say, “someone needs to get him outta here, we can’t have him in the bar like this”. 

The fuck were they saying? He was completely fine. 

Before he could tell what was happening he was being carried out of the bar and was sitting on the curb outside. Fuck, what was going on?

Everything was blurry, he felt nauseous and all he could focus on was this sharp pain in his side and the pounding headache that was plaguing him.

________________________

Anakin had no idea where he was, but he knew he didn’t feel good. He sat up and puked.

He felt a hand on his back and was about to protest when another wave of nausea hit- when would it end?

More shit happened in a blur and he eventually made it into an Uber and headed home. 

————-about two hours earlier—————

After he was thrown out of the bar downtown he was picked up by a group of frat boys who thought it would be cool to challenge a random drunk guy to a drinking contest.

In his inebriated state, Anakin went with the men (even though they basically had to carry him to the club they were going to). 

No one in their right mind would still allow Anakin to consume drinks, he was visibly not well and clearly needed to be cut off; but that wouldn’t be any fun for the frat.

They took him to a club where they frequented so the staff allowed them to do whatever the fuck they wanted. 

Anakin continued to drink and drink… and drink. 

Once he started puking again, one of the relatively kinder boys took time to ask his address and got him an uber home.

And that's where Anakin was now. 

He rested his forehead against the back window of the sedan and the driver drove quickly; he was probably worried that Anakin was going to yak in the back of his car. They arrived at Anakin’s apartment in decent time and the driver asked Anakin to leave. 

Anakin nodded and tried to get up but he couldn’t quite get his footing; the driver huffed and helped him out of the car. 

The driver helped Anakin into the house and saw some cash lying on the end table; sure, he helped Anakin inside but that didn’t mean this guy was a saint. 

Anakin leaned against the wall for support the driver swiped the cash and dashed out of the door. He had no clue what happened or what was going on, all he knew was that he felt awful and he needed to get to bed. 

He headed that way but he tripped over himself and landed on the floor with a thud.

A groan escaped him and his vision went black. 

***

a/n: more self destructive behavior… what’s new? lolll, srry the updates have been spaced out a bit, i’ve been doing a lot at work haha

taglist : @dnamht @sxoulohvn @angeelcoree @wtf-andys @httpeachesblog @katsukiswrld @jetiikote @poisonedsultana @imarimone12 @fallinlovewithevil

[violet-jessop]

i had my first therapy session today.

90 minutes with a psychologist who i'm booked to see once a week for the next 5 weeks.

a friend asked me if i was nervous last night when i told her, and i had to think on it. i found i wasn't. it was strange because logically i think i should have been, but i couldn't muster any real feelings about it. i felt indifferent. resigned.

i know that's probably not what she wanted to hear, but i think lying in this instance would have just given her false hope.

to get to this point has been such a shit show.

self harming since a decade ago this year, suicidal on and off for at least for the last eight. tried to seek help in 2019 only to get put on 10 times the starting dose of some random antidepressant and told to fuck off with no follow up and automatically renewing prescriptions. stopped taking those after a year or so with no real improvement. things have just steadily declined.

last year was okay, probably the most okay i've felt for an extended period since 2014. but now it's almost worse because i saw it could be okay, and now it's not again.

finding a psych that met my needs was near on impossible. my only two criteria were trans (or just a queer person who i could feel like less of a freak with) and able to deal with SI - and that left me with one option via telehealth. booked in to do a 15 minute consultation with her she was 30 minutes late to the session, so i assumed i'd been forgotten. then when she eventually called she didn't even acknowledge it.

getting the mental health care plan from my GP was so degrading. i went to a different doc because i didn't trust the last guy who is just so happy to write prescriptions. but the new guy was no better. clearly thought i didn't need any of this, wrote maybe 2 lines on the mhcp documents, left most of it blank, didn't even bother to sign it. said he performed the k10 which he didn't. straight up wrote that i seemed fine based on "good eye contact and engages well". and he never even sent it to the identity clinic, i had to chase him to obtain a copy so i could send it off myself.

and today rolls around. we have our session. what was supposed to cost me 134 out of pocket cost me 250 unexpectedly, so after the appointment they had to call me several times because my account had insufficient funds because i only had enough for what they'd told me it would cost.

in the session she misgendered me. she said "as a woman with autism. oh, i assume you're she/her right?". which was wild as a psych who works for the "identity clinic" - where i had to fill in a million forms that included my pronouns in multiple places. where i had sent an inquiry to find out if they had anyone on staff who would suit a non-binary person with SI. and then the SI, where i mentioned it as something i'd like to work through, and she pretty much told me if i talk about that sort of stuff in a non-joking way she'll have to make sure i'm institutionalised. so i had to play it off as a joke. as hyperbole. the two things, such basic things i thought. so what am i here for again? is what's wrong with me so taboo i can't even pay a medical professional $250 to let me speak about it? is my soul so putrid? if anyone ever tries to force me into inpatient i'll put on a pine overcoat as soon as possible, that's not up for debate.

so we talked about other things, and i cried in front of another person for the first time in ages and it wasn't even cathartic it was just for the shame of admitting my failings out loud. and she told me maybe my anxiety is just autistic meltdown which i know isn't right, i know the difference. she walked me through diaphragmatic breathing like i was 5. she recommended i buy airpods and try burlesque. it reminded me of Jo telling me i should try drumming circles around the time of my first attempt.

so i suppose i was right in feeling indifferent. i had enough hope left to try, but not enough to be hopeful. i really don't have the energy to go through this all again. time is ticking down, 128 weeks at best. i suppose i'll give her another two sessions and see. but if she doesn't work out i think that's me done. how many times am i expected to try? it was already mortifying enough. i know Tal will be angry, but i just don't have it in me to keep doing this over and over. every failed attempt at getting better just adds more weight, reaffirms what i already suspected.

and the statistics of it. either i've encountered consistently bad medical practitioners OR the problem lies with me. at this point statistically it has to be me, there's just been too many failings. especially when i see so many friends drive the same road without issue. yet i keep hitting roadblock after roadblock. at what point do i just acknowledge that i'm a bad driver? maybe it's been roadblock after roadblock because there's nothing else, there is no good ending. i shouldn't be on the road to begin with.

[logically-asexual]

so i don’t know what to say to this one. mostly i don’t know how to feel.

this is getting long so i’m putting it under read more

first of all. of course there’s going to be perks that people want out of the patreon, otherwise why would they pay. the top tear costs 2,690 mexican pesos a month which is more than what i earned by working 10 hours this week, that’s gotta be worth something.

most of the discourse around the patreon is contradicting because sometimes people complain about there being nothing, only livestreams and merch discounts, and how that’s not fair to the people paying; and then sometimes people complain that there’s too much stuff, like the writers room and exclusive videos, and how that’s not fair to the people not paying. i don’t know what opinion to have here, mostly because i don’t have a patreon so i don’t feel like i have a right nor enough info to complain either way.

what you say confuses me because according to the descriptions of the tiers on the website the tier that gets bonus videos is the patton one, which isn’t that expensive and is the most popular one. and the top tier only gets the annual video call, surprise gifts and a poster as things that others don’t. so please forgive me but.. i don’t know if you’re telling the truth? and this is absolutely not meant as a bait for you to prove what you’re saying by telling me details you’re not supposed to. i don’t want that and don’t care about it. i just. i don’t know how to feel about all this.

i think that if thomas has this content that he wasn’t going to post anyway (i heard about a Sanders Sides episode that was sponsored but something didn’t work out with the sponsor so they couldn’t post it on youtube, and there’s also the extended versions of stuff) like then i don’t really mind that the patrons get to see it. i wasn’t going to see it anyway so who cares.

what does concern me is whether the production of patreon exclusive content is getting in the way of sharing content with the rest of us. because. if you have time to make something, and you can either do something for the public or for the patrons, then the ones paying you will always have the priority. so if the team is dedicating a lot of time to patreon, and that’s the/ part of the reason cartoon therapy is gone and the wait for sanders sides gets longer and longer every time then. im annoyed and upset. and wish they could do better.

also moving on you talk about the annual call and i am just so conflicted about that too. so much of the fandom has this parasocial i guess relationship with thomas because he’s just so nice and friendly and refers to everyone by name and replies to most things he’s tagged on etc. and that’s nice i love that and it’s made me feel very happy when he sees my silly fanart. parasocial relationships are probably not 100% bad and there’s good that can come from them, but there’s also negatives. and this thing you said about it feeling like you’re friends with him but that that could die as soon as you stop paying is really weird and i don’t know what to think about that. i personally wouldn’t sign up for that even if i had the money, my mind isn’t stable enough to process that kind of thing.

if what you say is true i definitely hate that you guys know all this information about Sanders Sides that we don’t because. i’m very upset that he’s sharing that lore and info by just like. talking about it to the paying fans. instead of actually making the damn episodes. sounds like rowling saying dumbledore is gay with zero intention of addressing it in the text, just to get attention. why don’t you behave like the professional writer that you are and go write an actual story where you address the things you’re talking about? instead you’re behaving like me, a random tumblr user with a hobby, who gives up on writing in a fanfiction due to laziness and inexperience and just posts the bullet points on tumblr to get validation.

anyway im sorry. in conclusion.

i think it’s fair that the patrons get good rewards for what you pay. i just do in fact find the specific rewards they offer questionable. not because it’s fair or not. but because of what it means for the actual videos that will be produced. the writers room and video calls will affect the series no matter how much they insist they won’t. and revealing those secrets shows that the production of the episodes isn’t going well or that it’s going the ‘tell’ route instead of ‘show’. which sucks.

[stimmingbabie]

My Take On Self DXing

Disclaimer: My definition of self diagnosing is putting in A LOT of time into researching, trying to get a professional diagnosis *first and foremost*, among other elements. Not just looking at the top 3 traits of a disorder and saying "that's me!", that is not recommended and I do not condone that! Please be safe <3

I'm making this post because I've gotten some comments here and there of people using my posts as a reason to self diagnose/suspect autism, BPD, etc (whatever else I post about). I do *not* condone using my posts as a tool for this, as this blog is all about my *personal* experiences with being neurodivergent. Everyone is so vastly different and I do not represent everyone with these disorders! However, as someone who has self diagnosed before getting professionally diagnosed (and still haven't been professionally diagnosed with them all!), I understand the need for an identity and an explanation for your experiences. So here's some reasons I support self diagnosing, some tips, and some warnings.

Why I support self diagnosing

Mental health care in certain locations are absolutely horrible. Where I live, mental health care is...very limited. The professionals in my area are trained in very few areas, mainly depression and anxiety, and are trained to do very specific types of therapies, medications etc. For example, in the ER I was given a xanax for a panic attack, and this worked wonders for me, however when going to a psychiatrist I was told they don't prescribe those on the off chance that someone will get addicted. Because of this, my anxiety has been overlooked and I've been given medications that did not work and has even given me a bad reaction. Needless to say, I stopped going to psych appointments. (I don't recommend this for everyone! This is just a personal experience).

Insurance isn't always an option. Without insurance, you will be paying out of pocket for evaluations, therapies and treatments. Even a diagnosis. An autism diagnosis here out of pocket is anywhere from $1k USD to $6k USD in most places for adults! That includes the two part evaluation and then having it on paper. I have what's called a pending diagnosis of autism, which means that I was given a basic screening (thankfully for free, but it costs $500 out of pocket on average here!), and the results were that I am very highly likely on the spectrum, but I can't afford to continue with the evaluation. So my health care team knows that I am autistic but will not put it on paper, therefore I can't get any accommodations with my insurance, and any accommodation that I need has to be listed for "anxiety", which my insurance doesn't see as a big enough problem in an adult to cover things for.

Being professionally diagnosed is a privilege. A lot of mental health professionals have a bias, and this is an unfortunate truth. Racism, sexism, classism, and even fatphobia play a huge part in how you're treated by the health care system, including mental health care. For example, if a healthy, average white cis man goes in and explains his symptoms and can afford to pay whether it be through insurance or out of pocket, he will be taken much more seriously than someone who is not any of the above.

Why I don't support certain self diagnosing disorders

A self diagnosis is not anywhere close to a substitution for a professional diagnosis. You will not get the proper therapy, treatment, or accommodations necessary by self diagnosing. You also won't be taken seriously by professionals if you walk into their office and say that you have a disorder, because their next question will be if you have documentation of the diagnosis. If you are suffering from a severe mental illness such as schizophrenia or borderline personality disorder, you will likely need treatment and therapy if at all possible. If you are able to get this, please do!! Do not suffer alone!!

Some disorders have overlapping symptoms...autism included. While I support self diagnosing autism to an extent, you have to realize that autism in a person who does not have high support needs will more often than not look very similar to ADHD, OCD etc etc. Autism being a spectrum can make it look like so many different things in so many different people. Someone with autism may be hyperverbal, able to read tone of voice and emotions with ease, and be outgoing, which are all traits that are not inherently apart of autism.

If you do not have *insert disorder that you self diagnosed*, you may be spreading misinformation. Many mental illnesses are already so stigmatized. Regardless of if YOU think that YOU have this disorder and that YOUR experiences are part of it, if you're wrong you may be adding to the stigma. For example, there are a lot of people who fake tourettes, dissociative identity disorder, etc. and this is very dangerous to people who actually suffer from these conditions. When self diagnosing please be mindful of others when you post about it publicly and be sure to specify that you are self diagnosed if you do! This is not meant to be mean or make you feel any less valid. Your experiences, regardless of your disorder or label, is 100% valid and you deserve to be taken seriously. But you have to realize that your words have impact on others.

"Tips" for self diagnosing

Don't! If you can easily get a professional diagnosis. See above points for why.

If you do, put in the research! This doesn't mean look up "autism spectrum disorder" on Google and look at the first 3 symptoms and decide that you resonate. Look up how it is professionally diagnosed, what the DSM-5 criteria is, and speak with/watch content creators, friends, family etc that have been diagnosed!

Take note of the different variations in different individuals. Do not watch one YouTube channel of a person with *insert disorder* and think that they represent the entire community. They do not. Not one single person represents an entire community, this goes for any, mental illnesses, physical illnesses, etc. If you know one person with autism you know one person with autism.

Research other conditions that are similar. You think you're autistic? Cool, research it as stated above! But don't forget to research ADHD, OCD, and other disorders that have overlapping symptoms! And yes, it is possible to have multiple, which is another reason why self diagnosing can be tricky.

ABOVE ALL ELSE: LISTEN TO THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN PROFESSIONALLY DIAGNOSED AND TO PROFESSIONALS!

There is no shame in telling someone, especially a therapist, that you think you have a disorder. What will likely happen is that the more you fight for yourself and your concerns the more you will be taken seriously and possibly given an opportunity to get a screening. The worst that will happen is that you'll self diagnose and get it wrong, but possibly be properly diagnosed! You know yourself better than anyone. Regardless of what label you have, you are valid, you are loved and you will be okay. If you ever have any questions or concerns, please feel free to reach out to me! I'm here for you!

For transparency, this is my situation:

Autism - pending diagnosis, see above ADHD - diagnosed PTSD - diagnosed Dissociative identity disorder - diagnosed, previously self diagnosed Borderline personality disorder - sort of pending. was told by a therapist that it seems more likely that I have BPD than bipolar disorder, but it was never screened. self diagnosed Bipolar type 1 with psychosis - diagnosed, mixed beliefs from different professionals, personally undiagnosed Eating disorder - diagnosed (will not elaborate, am in recovery!)

[shameonmeeguiltypleasure]

Personal share: I just needed to vent this out to a void of some sort.

Nobody warns you about the 'literal' COST of Living you face once your born. I feel like my childhood was me being scammed into spending a bunch only to be later slapped in the face with the receipt and expected to pay it. "What?You can't pay it? Well let's make it a debt you owe me, now get to work bitch"

I'm sharing this here because honestly, I think if anyone I know and love in my real life were to hear me out they'd tell me what I already know "That's just Life".

With how sensitive i am right now, I'd break down into a sobbing mess and I can't afford that right now......

- Im on the verge of feeling numb again, like brittle and so ready to disappear.

-Im struggling to feel passion and feel stuck in an endless cycle of work, sleep, eat repeat.

- I feel empty and a constant thrum of nausea at everything I say, do or when I see my reflection.

-Ive tried buying my joy and short bursts of satisfaction but it always leaves my bank account empty and fades too quickly.

-I miss my parents, but I'm a adult now and they expect adult things from me. They don't have time for my mood swings because I'm "just too much"

-My sister is drained from work and I don't want to be an additional burden

-My best friend is preparing to fight for her new career and I don't even have my liscense to drive. (I have no idea why she still keeps me around when I'm so unambitious)

- My cousin has lost so much weight and im growing jealous of her confidence. (She's married and has 3kids!! I'm jealous that she's found someone she trusted to start a family with and I'm still a lonely sob)

-My brother is moving out to live with his long term gf and start his studies. (He has no loans thanks to my sis and I, Obvs doesn't respect or care for me as much as he does her. I deserve it honestly, but it still stings sometimes)

- I struggle to speak most days because I just don't think. I have anything worth saying. (But my job requires me to call ppl and I cant afford to lose this gig)

-I struggle to eat because I just can't find the balance between starving and overindulgence. (I love my body. But there are parts of me I feel I need to change because society or loved ones say I should)

-I struggle to socialise because I just don't share the same interest as those around me or my work colleagues. (Is this because I don't know who I am some days? Or because I just don't have the energy to be contradictory to somebody else's opinion?)

-Im constantly sick and feel guilty for taking days off and still getting sick leave pay. (My job caters to this!! It's in my contract so why can't my brain stop making everything feel like doomsday!?)

- I don't often make mistakes but when I do their huge and I feel immense shame and guilt everytime. I'd offer up my limb if it would make the bad feeling go away. (These are the moments I wish I could read minds, I just want to know what I'm doing wrong so I can fix it!? Is it actually ok or are you just saying that then talking shit bout me behind my back?)

Honestly..... I just don't think I value myself enough right now, I don't think Im seeing my worth and I desperately need to fix it before it becomes worse.

I've had this fight before and I won, I'm not doing it again.

I'm tired.

God am I tired.

Fuck.

If this doesn't ease up before my next one to one with my boss, I'll ask them to send me to therapy (work benefit is that'll be free)

[emperornero]

animal / pet death talk and suicidal themes.

my dog passed away an hour ago. hes been feeling worse and worse over the last month and i knew he will be gone soon but it still hurts. i dont know what was wrong. he was very old and just stopped eating and had problems walking it was normal for a dog this age thats going to die soon. i was with him when he was dying. i remember when we bought him and i held him and hugged him when we were taking him home by car. he was a lovely dog and a friend to me despite me not really being able to walk him on my own. bernese mountain dogs are very strong and i wasnt able to do that. especially when i was a kid. my father didnt want to pay for training him so i tought him only basic commands . he didnt want to pay for vet visits. didnt pay for dog food. now he doesnt even want to pay for the burial. if anyone notices that he burried the dog on his own we will be fined and have to call a professional anyways. that will cost almost 2000 zł. i cant call a vet myself. he will be angry and make me pay for everything and i dont want to lose the money i need now. i dont know what to do. if this causes problems my father will be mad and more abusive than usual. i dont want to suffer more. i dont want my family to ever be in a situation like tjis again. i dont even have therapy for next 2 weeks because my therapist is sick and my father wont let me see one that iwould have to pay to visit. my sessions are free but if they dont happen i just miss them and cant get any other help. its been like 3 weeks since ive seen my therapist im not on my meds ive been suicidal so often lately i dont know why does he hate me so much why wont be help me at least with this he has money for it he just doesnt want to spend it on me and my mom and broyher and others he could pay for it but he doesnt care its all worse because of him im in therapy because of him

[unlovablereject]

I'm going to tell all self diagnosed autistic people, I'm done talking this out with you.

You may have autism, but if you can't get tested, you can't get help for it officially.

Self diagnosis can be dangerous for people who actually do have autism. Excuse me for having nearly everyone in my life telling they are autistic and do not have a diagnosis. They actually do not have it, yet, their claims are stuck with us. You say you have issues like me? But you don't.

Imagine always feeling so stupid, because this flavor of the decade illness is constantly being thrown around by people who just want to be different.

If you can't afford a diagnosis, there again, is no point in you telling the world you are autistic. You will recieve no help or support without testing. Which, as an adult, will always cost you money.

Don't believe me? I worked in social work. I was the deciding factor most of the time if a child is supposed to be tested for a disorder.

I also have talked to all kinds of psyc professionals about this, self diagnosing autism does more harm to those around you, and does nothing to help yourself. You won't get medications, no. You pay for expensive therapy.

There is no point in hurting others, when there is literally no usefulness of self diagnosed autism.

Again you will not recieve any support or extra help, since, they need a paper diagnosis to prove it...

So...

My claim stands,

Do not self diagnose autism.

If you really are autistic, you would need a diagnosis on paper, by a professional to get help.

This is also coming from someone diagnosed with asbergers type autism, semi-verbal, and has issues from learning, social skills, and no emotional control.

You know what it's like to have people all around you claim to have autism, they don't, but it still hurts you. They said they had you'll diagnosis. They said they were like you. Why are they able to do things in a NT manner? Why do you claim to have no tone control, but you actually do.

I get depressed, we all do. We feel why are we so stupid.

Yes, I am well aware there is a spectrum of autism. But there is also a base diagnosis, which is what gets you tested in school.

Why are you so willing to hurt people just to give yourself a diagnosis that will never be any benefit to even you.

But go on. Self diagnose. I hope you find it easy to sleep as you destroy the minds of actual autistic people.

Stop advocating for "self diagnosis" you are a plague. You tear people down and don't see or care because you want to be in that small group.

Just stop.

Autism sucks, autism is a life long thing. Autism is hard.

Honestly I don't care about how much money you have, WITHOUT AN OFFICAL DIAGNOSIS ALL YOU DO IS POTENTIALLY DAMAGE PEOPLE WITH ACTUAL AUTISM, THEIR ALRRADY LOW SELF ESTEEM.

Stop advocating for those who don't need it. I don't have anyone helping me, yet people making up diagnosis' get tons of attention.

Karma is a bitch.

[hard-core-super-star]

no because literally, in a single ask there are many different topics and the answers just get longer. I imagine you opening your inbox and seeing some aks that look more like the digital bible itself😶

I'm telling you! I'm behaving now. I changed.

I'll wait, and I already have my doubts about something but I don't know if it's a reference. the 119% thing.

totally, just like they did when they guarded at all costs that Kate would be played by hailee. It would be really funny if the Nightwing phase hadn't just been a phase.... unless...👀 I also don't know how well-known this mafia game is, but I've literally never heard of it until now. you're good at FIFA? for further scientific research. i- i never played GTA, my mom was ok with me playing mortal kombat and seeing the most graphic and merciless deaths, but not with me stealing cars and running away from the police 😔

okay, if I go watch it for the gay shit and I come out of it sad I'll blame you and you'll pay for my therapy. If she's supposed to be an irredeemable villain then she did something really fucked up, right? because I'm kind of more of a fan of villains..... to a certain point... um yeahh..of course

I'm literally eating myself up because I want to know what this cliffhanger is, I mean, the show was cancelled... knowing this isn't going to ruin my experience, is it?

queerbait, queerbait is everywhere- oh, the denial, it's okay, thinking like this can keep you sane, but it's between ava and sara? wait, I got lost hwjakksskskk you defend flash until you possibly can't anymore, but only watch for caitlin? how does it work? RIGHT? It took me a while to like caitlin exactly for that reason. and don't judge me, but it got tired to a point where I wasn't even rooting for barry and iris to get together anymore. they almost made my hair gray for a while, but I recovered.

now I understand why there's SO MUCH supercorp fics, these people are drooling and surviving on crumbs- think with care <3 hdjskjsk

– 🌟

i’m happily surprised and impressed that we've managed to talk about so many things at the same time and, despite the slight confusion sometimes, we still have MORE to say. it's not often i find someone so willing to read my paragraph-long responses and then RESPOND with their own paragraphs. [and needless to say, i absolutely love reading your responses, even if they're long]

mhmm, we’ll see about that.

it technically is a reference but i don't know if you're thinking what i’m thinking. and if you're not one of us is going to end up looking like an an idiot 😶 [it’s me, btw]

i mean, he's technically still my favorite superhero so i guess the phase still isn't over. i’m just too gay to obsess over a man the way i obsess over kate. i don't think it's that well known but i love it. idk what kind of research you're doing that requires this knowledge but yeah, i’m pretty good at FIFA. not like super amazing or anything but i’ve played it all my life so i think i’ve developed some skills. funnily enough, my mom was the opposite way. mortal kombat was too violent but planning heists and stealing cars was fine. [but not until i was like…10 or something]

babe, i hate to break it to you, but i can't even pay for my own therapy so you're on your own. stop asking questions because i WILL write an essay on her. basically, she does do fucked up shit BUT she's also heavily, HEAVILY, traumatized. i can't get into it without giving out too many spoilers but as the show goes on, we learn she's genuinely just a heavily messed up person and NOT a Joker type of villain who causes pain for the sake of it. [she's also not a sociopath, no matter how many times the characters say she is smh. she's also queer-coded af so there's that]

it's probably my fault for bringing it up everyday lmao. it doesn't ruin anything at all, it's just frustrating. they do finish the plot of season 7 nicely so that's why i just ignore the cliffhanger. it was supposed to tease season 8 but then season 8 never happened. the thing that pisses me off is that the CW didn't bother to tell the writers or the producers or the ACTORS that they wouldn't be getting another season.

sorry, i phrased that weird because it's technically a spoiler. the queer-bait is between zari and a new character hence why i didn't give many details in case you decide to watch the show again. sara and ava aren’t queer-bait at all, they're just queer 👍 it doesn't work very well but like the flash still has some really good things in between all the shitty writing. [that's another reason to watch batwoman, btw, their writers are out of this world] plus, like i said, caitlin snow was part of my gay awakening so it's not like i could just ditch the show even while it was going downhill. i don't judge you at all, i hated their relationship in the last few seasons. idk how they did it but they made me dislike barry at some point which is a crime because he's my boy!!!

akdkkdkskk that's a perfect way to put it, no further comment is necessary. i’m definitely not thinking about it 😶

[m0tel6mxzzy]

how much do ur therapy sessions cost?

my therapy sessions are $30 per session, i see my therapist once every 2 weeks and psychiatrist once every 3 months. my insurance pays for it which is really lucky bc the us mental health care system is like a mixed bag and it’s either good or absolute crap but late fees are out of pocket even tho my family can pay for them. i had to stop doing virtual ones (like the one i missed today) bc it spaced out my appointments too much and go back to in-person and my make-up appt is tmrw luckily. still feel kinda bad bc i have all these ppl here to help me and i didn’t wanna take advantage of their time like that so all i can really do is apologize, manage my time and move on <3 ty anon

[the-therapist-is-ace]

(LONG POST

Trigger warning, mention of suicide, rape, abuse and forced therapy session (idk if that triggers someone but I prefer to be safe)

Listen, I have a psychology degree for that reason.

Oh you know, at first I really wanted to help people with it. Planned to get my degree, open a cabinet and let patients comes in at adaptable prices. You pay with what you have; if it's only two bucks I don't care. Mental health is important. After dicovering my powers I was even more dedicated to help people in need.

But the system disgusted me. And those stupid heroes trying to protect it, telling me that I was in the wrong because I was against the governement when THEY were payed by them to keep that awful healthcare system in place irritated me even more. So yeah, I might have used my powers to make them feel the despair of being in the "system failure" part of the population. The ones that the governement don't help because it would cost them too much and wouldn't be of any benefits for them. I used their own minds against them. To make them fall of their pedestals, and fall out of grace. I don't kill; nor do I destroy theirs minds in an irreparable way. Ironically, if the people in power cared, they would have been cured in mere months after their encounter with me, if the mental healthcare services were good. But they don't. The majority of them ends up letting themself die of thirst and hunger, or kill themselves. Never to be heard from again...

I have made so many heroes quit their occupations because "unable to handle it anymore". Words of the mass medias relating the multiples breakdowns of their "heroes", not mine. I just send them to therapy -that some of them needed in the first place may I add- quicker than they expected.

But then that kid arrived.

He was one of the fresh out of school; one of those naive type, convinced that they were doing it to "protect the people and save theirs lives from evil" against me, the "terrible mastermind that must be stopped for the greater good". (I think my nickname these days are "The Devil Mentalist" or something like that? They gave me so much of them over the years that I stopped following.)

Anyway; bright personnality, obsessed with the idea of doing good, really popular among the public because of his good looks, not questionning the system in place even after I talked to him before our fight (yes I do that. I don't like fighting, so I try to talk to them, making them understand the flaws of the system. But they don't listen to me; they never do and just go for the fight once I'm done talking.) so I thought he was just like the others. I sighed before lauching myself in the battle.

That kid was a newbie; poor bastard didn't have much experience in close combat and was counting mainly on his superspeed to have the advantage.

Unfortunately for him, I had the experience behind me. So it didn't take long before I had him badly bruised and struggling to get back up. I tut at the sight. It wasn't a new nor a pleasant sight to see.

"Poor hero. I said mockingly. Had a mental breakdown after only a month of service. May his sacrifice to protect us not be in vain."

This was what the governement and medias always said after I beat one of theirs heroes; never saying anything about compensation either. Never saying what happened to them afterwards, what they've become. Of course not, why showing exactly what I was trying to prove? I sighed at that kid's -he was in his late teen years and early twenties. Gosh he was way too young for this madness- weak attemps to get back up.

I approach him after another failed attempt that got him on the floor again in a pathetic whine of pain. I lift his chin with my hand to see his face. Blond hairs, green eyes, he was probably one of those who had an easy life. He looked at me with a mix between pure terror and anger. I knew that look; almost every heroes had it on theirs faces when I was about to enter theirs psychees. Everyone knew what I can, and will do to any heroes that I fight against and leave victorious. Some of them even had a look of resignation; but not this one. This one kept looking at me in defiance. Uh, not an easily broken mind hm? No matter.

But first, I do the thing that I always do. It never worked before but...

"Hero. You know what I will do and you know the outcome. But I will give you one last chance; give up and stop fighting for these corrupted men in power. Do so and I will spare you, hell even assist you. What do you say?"

He looked at me incredulously. Uh. So no one ever told them that I do that? And here I thought they knew the drill by now. But he looked at me with a mix of anger and resignation on his face -but strangely no fear...- And I knew the answer before he even opened his mouth.

"I'd rather die than helping a villain!

-I don't kill. I say with a disappointed sigh. But very well. You've chosen your poison Hero; I hope you don't regret your decision when you will be left to rot by the governement you tried so hard to protect.

-They won't-!

-Leave you to rot? I completed then scoffed. Please. None of the past heroes that went against me are ever heard again, and it's not because I kill them. Everyone know that I don't do murder. It's just because your system is completely screwed up and don't help those in need. But you'll have all the time to think about it when I'm done with you."

I can see the anger on his face when he was about to snap back at me quickly disolved in an expression of fear -no wait, it's pure terror. He's even shaking-. He tried to struggle against me but it was no use; I always make sure that they can't fight anymore before approching them.

"Another one lost. When will they ever understand?" I sigh before putting a hand on that young hero's eyes, keeping it in place despite his weak attempts at struggling.

Soon enough, by the combined effect of my powers and the exhausion from our fight, he lose consciousness. His body relaxed and I'm closing my eyes to open them to a complete different view, but a familiar one nonetheless.

The world of the minds. The place where I swore to use it for the good of my patients, but now that I use to break the forces that the corrupted bastards in power keep throwing at me. The place of infinite doors and mindscapes, where I can do everything I desire.

Looking around, I spot the newest door to the mind I will enter. All the others are barricaded, to mark them as being dealt with. And no matter how much I sometimes want to erased all the damages that I've done to them, that I cannot enter again. Once it's broken, it's broken. I force myself to follow that rule no matter how hard it is to stick to it sometimes.

But enough daydreaming, I think to myself while shaking my head. Time to see what I can do to the newest hero's mind.

That decided, I took a deep breath and went to the door. Strangely enough, it looked... dull. It also looked like it has been broken before, but was put back together so many times in the past. I frown. That's the proof of traumatisms not correctly healed: I've seen it numerous times before. Seems like this one is going to be easy to break.

I open the door and let it shut behind me. However nothing could have prepared me for what I had before me.

You see, every mindscape is different. It often takes the appearance of a house, sometimes of a landscape that people loved or on rare occasions, of a fantastic surrounding. The appearance of it reflect the state of your mind. I've seen almost every background in here.

But I have never seen a cage in a warzone before.

I blink. I blink several times. I pinch myself just to be sure but no; the sight doesn't dissapear. If anything it becomes more detailed the more I look at it.

"What the... What the hell is that?" I mumbled to myself.

Confused, I decide to go see the cage. If I can find the mind version of the hero, I will have my answers. Everyone have to obey me here; that I am the intruder in their mind doesn't change that fact. When I ask questions I always get my answers.

Anyway; I approch the cage with the full intentions of getting my answers but before I can get too close... I hear what sounds like someone beating up someone else. And what they're saying is-!

"You're MINE don't you understand? That you're the fastest guy in town, or in the world will never change that! You're MY bitch, and you'll never escape from me. Got it? Run even to the end of the world, I will always find you! And if someone even lay a finger on MY PROPRETY I will kill them. And YOU will pay for humiliating me! I'm your father you better listen to me or you'll regret it!"

I stay dead silent at that. I didn't expected that. This hero is... But it wasn't over yet.

"I-I'm sorry... it sounded like the hero's voice, but younger. Younger and terrified.

-I'm sorry WHO?!

-I-I'm sorry F-Father...

-Tch, damn right you are! Tomorrow you're skipping that dumb practice of yours.

-W-What? B-But I-

-Shut up! I want you to be awake tonight, and your mouth better be working well or you won't be able to walk for the next week!"

The kid stammer another fearful answer but I don't hear it. I'm too stunned by what I've heard. Soon enough I see the man -that I can only assume is his cognitive vision of his father- exiting the cage and locking it up behind him. Leaving the kid alone inside, bruised and beaten up... and crying too.

God what the fuck did I just witnessed?! How can this kid still want to be a hero, so a PUBLIC figure with such a history? He's part of the people that have been wronged by the system, the ones I swore to fight for! Why is he-?!

"Hey Mike!"

I jump in surprise. With that I almost forgot that I wasn't alone! Wait... Are those cognitive versions of his friends? They're all outside the cage smiling as if nothing was wrong. As if their friend (who I assume is named Mike) wasn't beaten up and locked like an animal.

"O-Oh hi guys! he forced a smile and his tone change to be one of fake happiness. What's up?

-We wanted to get you to go to a party tonight! You know, with your looks we're going to be pretty popular. said one of them with a snicker.

-I... he looked away at that. Y-You know that I-

-Yeah you don't like it. But come on man! Can't you help us a bit? Please? We're friends after all!

-I... the kid look absolutely disgusted by the idea but he nodded. Okay... I'll be here.

-Thanks man you're the best!"

And just like that, they walked away from the cage too. Not bothering by the FUCKING KEY THAT WAS STILL IN THE KEYHOLE.

I've seen enough.

I thought that this kid was like any other heroes that I came across before but I was deadly wrong. Now more than ever, I NEED to know why he keep fighting for the wrong people. I take a deep breath, and go out of hiding to approch the cage myself.

Upon seeing me, the hero blinked, confused. I'm not a person from his mind, so he must be quite lost. And since in reality he's inconscious, he's not going to know who I am before waking up.

"Hi... I say, not really knowing where to start.

-H-Hello? I've never seen you before. he said. Who are you?

-I'm... new in town you can say. But more importantly, I turn to look at him in the eyes. Why do you want to be a hero despite... All of that?" I gesture at the warzone backgroud around us.

He look taken aback by the question but he will answer. I know he will because he have no choice here.

And soon enough, he talks again.

"B-Because... I want to g-give people c-courage.

-What?

-T-There's a lot of people like me... I-I want to help them. A-And well... A hero's a s-symbol of h-hope right? he say nervously, playing with his fingers. W-Well I want t-to give people hope. People l-like me."

You know, I've seen a lot of things in the minds of the differents heroes I came across. Some of them have cheesy reasons, some of them want money, power or fame -I go harder on them than the others- but never have I seen a hero with such a broken mind yet still wanting to help others. It's... beautiful in a way.

Before I knew it, my resolve to make this kid suffer because he was getting in the way of my objectives disolved. He's just a poor guy that's been through so much, with no real allies (if his "friends" were any indication...) and still tries to make the world a better place despite it all.

We're not so different it seems.

I think I know what to do with him instead. I think to myself, ignoring the confused glance of the cognitive version of the hero.

It's been ages since I've actually taken anyone to my cabinet (that I still use to make therapy sessions for those in need outside of my "villain hours") myself instead of them coming but oh well. I can make exceptions.

"You know what kid? I said smiling, unlocking the cage and getting him out of it. I think we'll see each other soon enough."

Before he can ask what the hell I meant, I dissapeared of his mindscape to open my eyes in the real world.

Barely a second have passed since I went in there from an external point of view thankfully. I don't intend to get caught now, so I strang into action pretty quickly.

I got up, take the -still- inconscious hero on my back and go back to my cabinet before the police reinforcements can arrive at the scene.

Hours later, when the newbie hero finally came back to consciousness, he's on the sofa that some of my patients like to lie down on, and me in the armchair in front of him with a notebook, a pen and a smile on my face.

"Hello there Sleeping Beauty. I say sarcastically. Did you have a nice nap?"

The confusion is clearly painted on his face and he frown, trying to get back up. However, since he kind of have his hands tied up together behind his back and his legs tied up as well (I might feel bad for the kid but I'm not an idiot. He's still a hero and me a "villain" I won't risk it.) the most he can do is wiggling like a worm for a few moments before the exhaustion come back at him full force and he's forced to settle down. I shake my head in amusement.

"W-What the-?! he looked at me with clear suspicion, confusion and fear. What are you going to do with me? I thought you-!

-I am a therapist despite how the medias like to portray me. I say, cutting him off. And what I saw in there... I added, walking to him and pointing at his forehead. Jesus kid, you need therapy, and fast. I smiled. So I decided out of the goodness of my heart to help you instead of making you having a breakdown. I know, no need to thank me. I added sarcastic as ever.

-What the- I have no idea of what you're talking about! Either kill me or-!

-Oh I'm sure you know what I'm talking about "Mike". I say coldly. I know what you've got in here, I tapped his forehead softly. And it's not pretty. I can't decently let someone roam around with so much traumas when they don't deserve it. That goes against my morals.

-Lies! You broke so many heroes' mind-

-They only had power and fame as motivation, or were too focused on obeying without protesting the governement to see how much harm they were doing. They, in my opinion, deserved it. But you... Well from what you told me you only want to give people in bad places hope and courage right?"

Seems like I shut him up with that. He looked at me with a shocked and terrified look on his face. I can easily guess what he's thinking, even without telepathia.

"Yeah kid. I saw what you've been through. I said with an empathic smile.

-N-No... oh shit, he sounds so small and vulnerable like that... fuck. Nobody should-!

-See that? And why not? I mean I get why you wouldn't want to say that to every passing person on the street- but to a therapist? Why not try to get help since it's what you're trying to give to others people?"

The blond kid stay silent for a bit, looking away from me. He seems so lost. Not that I can blame him; afterall he thought he was just about to fight a thelepathic supervillain, not opening up about his horrible childhood.

"I don't need it. he finally say, but it's way less convinced than his others words.

-Sure you don't. I answered, rolling my eyes. We both know that it's bullshit. And let me be very clear; I'm not going to let you leave this place until you open up about it so you can recover. I've already seen a good chunk of it, but you're not going to be any better if you don't speak up."

The hero looked back at me with shock and confusion written all over his face, before frowning and anger added to the mix. Oh, he start to struggle against his bonds again.

"That's abduction-!

-Well I'm considered a villain now aren't I? Time to make up to that reputation." I said smiling.

He shut up at that but was still struggling. I sighed, before with a snap of my fingers, the rope became tighter against his wrists. He let out a yelp before stop moving and turned to me.

"What the hell are you-!

-My main powers are thelepatic yes but don't forget I have a bit of telekinesis too in it. I said not impressed. Now then, where were we? I'm warning you, I have dinner set in two hours and I would like to not be late. Promise I'll get you something too."

The hero looked at me once more, with clear hate in his eyes; but that wasn't the preominent emotion in it. What was, was fear, confusion, hesitation... I smiled. And a bit of hope.

"Now then. I say, sitting on the armchair in front of him, notebook and pen in hand. Shall we begin?"

You are a telepathic supervillain that uses their powers to create the perfect personalised hellscape for every hero. But when you peer into the mind of the newest hero you find that they are a complete mental wreck and honestly you just feel sorry for them.

[thelordfool]

i need help. again.

long and short of it: while i’m indeed working, a bunch of emergencies happened and i can’t afford to eat or pay the bills that are keeping me going to work. so i’m hoping the good will and kindness of people will shine through again.

for anyone that wants to see the proof and details, it’ll be below the cut. details on if you want to commission me so i can earn your money will also be down there. please share if you cannot comfortably donate. i will update the post as i get donations. i’m so sorry for doing this all the time. i just want it to stop.

Paypal.me/asrielelijahking / venmo: @thelordfool​ / CA: $thelordfool

$0/644.32

prelude: about me

i’m a disabled (CFS probably; severe chronic depression, ptsd, anxiety, definitely), queer (agender “trans masc” and wow people are pretty) artist that’s been having issues with employment for so long, and i know 100% my dr wont help me get a case for disability. i’ve gotten a job through a temp agency but the contract is month to month and i have no idea if i’ll be kept on. i’ll know by 10/7 if i still have a job on monday. there’s a few other things going on, like needing to repair my front door after my roommate’s kids kicked the glass and broke it, and needing to buy food both for the house and for the cats, but i’m trying not to worry about that at the moment because i’ve got the door covered in cardboard and there’s enough food for the next few days.

1. cat bills

After losing my cat, Cinderdoodle, on labor day, my eldest kitty, Scotty, needed to be taken into emergency. this was a huge, emotionally devastating blow to me. he’s thankfully alive and doing much better but the urinary diet food is very expensive. I’m only asking for help to cover the cost of the visit. I paid it on Care Credit and would really just like for it to go away as soon as possible.

2. personal medical bills

therapy’s fucking expensive! and i guess so is primary care. this is what i owe for both of them right now:

I do not have any more therapy scheduled currently. I’ll be unable to afford it anymore in the future, it appears.

3. rent

as some of you may know i live with my abusive ex because it’s either this or giving up my cats and entering homelessness. he’s been... better.... recently. i was able to work out that i can pay octobers rent in two parts to him, so i only owe him $190.

4. commissions info

if you search through the ‘my art’ tags on my blog you can find, well, my art. i am not going to change my prices again for this. art takes time, practice, and a lot of research and i’m proud of what i produce. here is my commissions sheet:

you can also check me out on twitter to see everything.

[bouncyalex]

I see you’re from Canada. Hopefully that helps with some of the medical expenses.

Is there anything we can do to help if we don’t have any money? Like any organizations we can donate old clothes to? Or anything like that.

Yes, I am in Canada. It’s a good thing for having access to the universal healthcare. But ambulance and meds aren’t covered.

You are bringing a very interesting question here. There are many local organizations that takes donations for clothes, and food banks. Some are local organizations, some are national. They will put in priority kids and families, which makes some sense, but that means they are not going to help me.

In my case, I am ok for food, clothes, home and basics. Where I can cut is on quality of diapers that I need, cut some meds that will not kill me when I will stop them, reduce to the minimum my physical therapies, put a cross on everything that will cost money (fun, movies, Christmas, birthdays, dentist, optometrist, everything not essential at all.).

My stock of diapers is getting low, so, diaper donations can be an option eventually. I am working on finding ways to get some financial help from government, local donation centers, my city, any hidden disability programs that could exist, bank loan, family and relatives, also my special ed therapists. It seems like there is no way to maintain my physical therapies without paying them from my pocket. It’s literally a crack in our system. If I was still under 18, there would have been no problem at all to get help through many organizations and government, and universal healthcare system itself. I sold what I could, I have mid term to long term solutions brewing, but no short term ones. I need to fill the upcoming gap that will happen this fall until mid term solution take place.

If anyone have any good ideas, or might know any association who helps disabled adults in distress like I am, please don’t hesitate to post it here, or PM me. In worst case, I feel totally ridiculous to say that, but I believe it’s true that if a lot of my friends and followers could give one dollar, at the end, that will make a big difference for me! I will never forget ppls who already helped me! It takes critical situations to understand what this is all about. And the day my friends will need help, I’ll be there to help the best I can. In fact, I have helped my friends and my parents and family a lot when they needed it and for many years already!

Everytime I went to pick up my father at the hospital for heart attack, surgeries, any followups he needs to be accompanied, He always tells me he will pay my gas and parking. I never accepted any money from him, because for the number of times he and mom were there to get me in and out of hospital and specialists, I believe it’s my turn to take care of them and not worry about money.

I even bought a cheap car and rented an apartment where one of my friend in psychological distress would rather die than getting rid of his 2 dogs because he couldn’t find any places that were accepting his 2 dogs. He never paid me back, and I am very proud he is now happy, much better, and he helped moving 2 times.

I have helped another abdl moving from his shitty apartment into a much better place, and I did not charge anything. What matters is well-being of my friends, and he needed a bit of help to fill the gap btw the time he gets his 1st pay check and the deposit fee at his new apartment. It reminds me he didn’t refund me, and I wasn’t upset because he did work and be able to pay his bills. He doesn’t talk to me anymore, but I see him online here still, and I guess that’s fine if he doesn’t want to talk to me. I am glad I could have helped him the best I could, even if my own budget was not that great at that time.

Everyone is shitting bricks with that pandemic, and inflation. Well, not everyone, but a lot of us are struggling. I am asking money myself, while I donated 2$ to CHU Ste-Justine children hospital earlier this week, because my 2$ times thousands of people thinking the same way will definitely help them more than me, an adult with autism, and several health issues, who is still alive today, thinking that these kids need help even more than I do.

All that said, I am pro active right now, and I am still helping others when it’s possible. I deal with every challenge God is sending me. Sometimes it’s hard, sometimes it’s frustrating, but I have hope that even ppls who follow me with no interest of getting to know me or talk to me can understand my situation, and am very open to intelligent alternatives to money if they are willing to help. But please, no disrespectful or stupid idea like that guy who wanted me to prostitute myself to get an easy 20 bucks from him because he wanted something in return.😑 Really? Sharing thousands of pictures and videos for free wasn’t already enough? He made me upset, I was sad, and I had to block this guy who started to be harassing me. I don’t deserve this, nobody does, and especially when it’s a serious situation here for me. I am more than just a random dude in diapers! I am a great hearted person with multiple talents and narrowed interests who is always here to listen to everyone, and answer the best I can and help .

I had no idea I was going to write such a long answer here! For those reading this until the end, 🙏 Thank you! Thank you, and… THANK YOU! 🥹

[kcrabb88]

Queer Movies/Books/TV Shows for Pride Month!

Happy Pride everyone!! For your viewing/reading pleasure I have made a (non-exhaustive) list of queer media that I have enjoyed! 

Movies/Documentaries

Pride (2014): An old tried and true favorite, which meets at the intersection of queer and workers’ rights. A group of queer activists support the 1985 miners’ strike in Wales (complete with a sing-through of Bread and Roses + Power in a Union)

Portrait of a Lady on Fire: On an isolated island in Brittany at the end of the eighteenth century, a female painter is obliged to paint a wedding portrait of a young woman (or, two young lesbians fall in love by the sea, and you cry)

God’s Own Country: Young farmer Johnny Saxby numbs his daily frustrations with binge drinking and casual sex, until the arrival of a Romanian migrant worker for lambing season ignites an intense relationship that sets Johnny on a new path (Seriously this movie is GREAT and doesn’t get enough love, watch it! It’s rough but ends happily)

The Half of It:  When smart but cash-strapped teen Ellie Chu agrees to write a love letter for a jock, she doesn't expect to become his friend - or fall for his crush (as in she falls for his crush who is another girl. This movie was so good, and really friendship focused!) 

Saving Face:  A Chinese-American lesbian and her traditionalist mother are reluctant to go public with secret loves that clash against cultural expectations (this is an oldie and a goodie, with a happy ending!)

Moonlight:  A young African-American man grapples with his identity and sexuality while experiencing the everyday struggles of childhood, adolescence, and burgeoning adulthood (featuring gay men of color!)

Carol:  An aspiring photographer develops an intimate relationship with an older woman in 1950s New York (everyone’s seen this I think, but I couldn’t not have it here)

Milk: The story of Harvey Milk and his struggles as an American gay activist who fought for gay rights and became California's first openly gay elected official (the speech at the end of this made me cry. Warning, of course, for death, if you don’t know about Harvey Milk)

Pride (Hulu Documentary):  A six-part documentary series chronicling the fight for LGBTQ civil rights in America (they go by decade from the 50s-2000s, and there is a lot of great trans inclusion in this)

Paris is Burning (Documentary): A 1990s documentary about the African American and Latinx ballroom scene. Available on Youtube!

A New York Christmas Wedding:  As her Christmas Eve wedding draws near, Jennifer is visited by an angel and shown what could have been if she hadn't denied her true feelings for her childhood best friend (this movie is SO CUTE. It’s really only nominally a Christmas movie and easily watched anytime. Features an interracial sapphic couple!) 

TV Shows 

Love, Victor: Victor is a new student at Creekwood High School on his own journey of self-discovery, facing challenges at home, adjusting to a new city, and struggling with his sexual orientation (this is a spin-off of Love, Simon, and it’s very sweet and well done! Featuring a young gay man of color)

Sex Education:  A teenage boy with a sex therapist mother teams up with a high school classmate to set up an underground sex therapy clinic at school (this has multiple queer characters, including a featured young Black gay man and also in season 2 there is a side ace character!) 

Black Sails: I mean, do I even need to put a summary here? If you follow me you know that Black Sails is full of queer pirates, just queers everywhere.

Gentleman Jack:  A dramatization of the life of LGBTQ+ trailblazer, voracious learner and cryptic diarist Anne Lister, who returns to Halifax, West Yorkshire in 1832, determined to transform the fate of her faded ancestral home Shibden Hall (Period drama lesbians!!! A title sequence  that will make you gay just by watching!) 

Tales of the City (2019):  A middle-aged Mary Ann returns to San Francisco and reunites with the eccentric friends she left behind. "Tales of the City" focuses primarily on the people who live in a boardinghouse turned apartment complex owned by Anna Madrigal at 28 Barbary Lane, all of whom quickly become part of what Maupin coined a "logical family". It's no longer a secret that Mrs. Madrigal is transgender. Instead, she is haunted by something from her past that has long been too painful to share (this is based on a book series and it’s got lots of great inter-generational queer relationships!) 

The Haunting of Bly Manor:  After an au pair’s tragic death, Henry hires a young American nanny to care for his orphaned niece and nephew who reside at Bly Manor with the chef Owen, groundskeeper Jamie and housekeeper, Mrs. Grose (sweet, tender, wonderful lesbians. A bittersweet ending but this show is so so wonderful)

Sense8: A group of people around the world are suddenly linked mentally, and must find a way to survive being hunted by those who see them as a threat to the world's order (queers just EVERYWHERE in this show, of all kinds)

Books

Loveless by Alice Oseman:  Georgia has never been in love, never kissed anyone, never even had a crush – but as a fanfic-obsessed romantic she’s sure she’ll find her person one day. This wise, warm and witty story of identity and self-acceptance sees Alice Oseman on towering form as Georgia and her friends discover that true love isn’t limited to romance (don’t be turned off by this title, it’s tongue-in-cheek. This is a book about an aroace college girl discovering herself and centers the importance and power of platonic relationships! I have it on my TBR and have heard great things)

Detransition, Baby by Torrey Peters: Reese almost had it all: a loving relationship with Amy, an apartment in New York City, a job she didn't hate. She had scraped together what previous generations of trans women could only dream of: a life of mundane, bourgeois comforts. The only thing missing was a child. But then her girlfriend, Amy, detransitioned and became Ames, and everything fell apart. Now Reese is caught in a self-destructive pattern: avoiding her loneliness by sleeping with married men.Ames isn't happy either. He thought detransitioning to live as a man would make life easier, but that decision cost him his relationship with Reese—and losing her meant losing his only family. Even though their romance is over, he longs to find a way back to her. When Ames's boss and lover, Katrina, reveals that she's pregnant with his baby—and that she's not sure whether she wants to keep it—Ames wonders if this is the chance he's been waiting for. Could the three of them form some kind of unconventional family—and raise the baby together?This provocative debut is about what happens at the emotional, messy, vulnerable corners of womanhood that platitudes and good intentions can't reach. Torrey Peters brilliantly and fearlessly navigates the most dangerous taboos around gender, sex, and relationships, gifting us a thrillingly original, witty, and deeply moving novel (again, don’t be thrown off by the title, it too, is tongue-in-cheek. This book was GREAT, and written by a trans women with a queer-and especially trans--audience in mind)

A Tip for the Hangman by Allison Epstein: A gay Christopher Marlowe, at Cambridge and trying to become England’s best new playwright, finds himself wrapped up in royal espionage schemes while also falling in love (this book is by a Twitter friend of mine, and it is a wonderful historical thriller with a gay man at the center).

Creatures of Will and Temper by Molly Tanzer: a very very queer remix of The Picture of Dorian Gray (which was already quite queer), featuring amazing female characters, a gay Basil, and a much happier ending than the original. 

Red, White, and Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston: The gay prince of England and the bisexual, biracial first son of the president fall in love (think an AU of 2016 where a woman becomes president). Featuring a fantastic discovery of bisexuality, ruminations on grief, and just a truly astonishing book. One of my favorites!

One Last Stop by Casey McQuiston:  For cynical twenty-three-year-old August, moving to New York City is supposed to prove her right: that things like magic and cinematic love stories don’t exist, and the only smart way to go through life is alone. She can’t imagine how waiting tables at a 24-hour pancake diner and moving in with too many weird roommates could possibly change that. And there’s certainly no chance of her subway commute being anything more than a daily trudge through boredom and electrical failures. But then, there’s this gorgeous girl on the train (This is Casey McQuiston’s brand new novel featuring time-travel, queer women, and I absolutely cannot WAIT to read it)

The Heiress by Molly Greely: Set in the Pride and Prejudice universe, this takes on Anne de Bourg (Lady Catherine’s daughter), and makes her queer! 

Tipping the Velvet by Sarah Waters:  Nan King, an oyster girl, is captivated by the music hall phenomenon Kitty Butler, a male impersonator extraordinaire treading the boards in Canterbury. Through a friend at the box office, Nan manages to visit all her shows and finally meet her heroine. Soon after, she becomes Kitty's dresser and the two head for the bright lights of Leicester Square where they begin a glittering career as music-hall stars in an all-singing and dancing double act. At the same time, behind closed doors, they admit their attraction to each other and their affair begins (Sarah Waters is the queen of historical lesbians. All of her books are good, and they’re all gay! The Paying Guests is another great one)

(On a side note re: queer books, there are MANY, these are just ones I’ve read more recently. Also there are a lot of indie/self-published writers doing great work writing queer books, so definitely support your local indie authors!) 

[voiceless-terror]

Jon plays the piano. That’s it, that’s the fic.

At first, he thinks it’s the radio. It’s not uncommon for these stores to play classical music, trying to add an air of sophistication in what’s otherwise a dark room of dusty knicknacks. But when he walks towards the noise, he instead finds Jon sitting at the bench of an old wooden upright, his posture straighter than Tim’s ever seen it, hands moving slowly but deftly across the keys as he leans into each note.

It’s mesmerizing.

Jon must hear his footsteps as he doesn’t startle when Tim sits beside him. “You never told me you could play,” Tim says, too enthralled to be truly annoyed by it. Jon gives him a self-deprecating smile, though his eyes don’t leave the keys.

“I can’t, not anymore,” he responds in complete defiance of his actions. Tim’s always loved Jon’s hands, delicate and slender and naturally elegant in all of their movements; even the most awkward of gestures made with a sort of grace. He shouldn’t be surprised that he plays so wonderfully. But Jon’s always been protective of his interests, careful not to volunteer too much information lest he be laughed at or scorned. Sometimes, when it’s only the two of them, and occasionally Sasha, he’ll let his guard down and his enthusiasm for even the most mundane of subjects is surprisingly contagious.

“Well, seeing as how I can only do Hot Cross Buns, I think you can, actually.”

“Middle C is flat,” Jon continues as if Tim hadn’t spoken, his brow furrowing in annoyance. He taps at the key a few times, but Tim’s never had a good ear for that sort of thing, so he’ll have to take Jon’s word for it. “They should really keep this in better condition, it’s a shame.” He stops his tapping but his hands still flutter over the keys as if they itch to play more. Tim would gladly sit here all day and listen.

“What was that?” He nudges Jon’s shoulder, pleased when Jon leans further into his side. 

“Satie. From his Trois Gymnopedies.” 

“Ooh, nice accent,” he teases, though he does indeed love it. “Someone passed their French A-level.”

“Shut up,” Jon butts his head affectionately against his shoulder, his face flushing. “You’re just as bad with your insufferable Italian.”

“Alright, alright,” Tim lets out a small laugh. “It’s just, you never said. Seems like you enjoy it.”

“I did,” Jon replies, his eyes going distant. He gets like that, when he talks about his past. Tim knows very little of it, though Jon insists there’s ‘nothing to know.’ Jon’s told him about what brought him to the institute in a rare moment of vulnerability, but other than that, he knows the bare minimum. “I still do, I suppose. You know, my Gran was the one who actually pushed me into the lessons.”

Jon doesn’t talk much about his grandmother. He remembers back when he first started, Jon disappeared for a week and Sasha kept checking her phone anxiously. Tim later found out that his grandmother had died, that Jon was the only one left to take care of such things. That Jon was an orphan. That Jon came back with that stiff upper lip even though he looked like shit, and promptly crumbled when Tim gave him an awkward, one-armed condolence hug. 

From what Tim knows, she wasn’t the greatest guardian. Far from it in his opinion. But she was all Jon had.

Not anymore.

“Said I needed something to distract me from- from-'' his voice stutters out and Tim wraps his arm around Jon’s waist- he knows. He doesn’t need the explanation. “Well, she wasn’t the type of person to recommend therapy. It was her way of showing that she cared.” Or just wanted you dealt with, Tim doesn’t voice.

“Did it work?” He knows the answer.

“Not at all,” Jon smirks and his hands abruptly fly across the keys in a lively, fast tune. Jon isn’t just good, he’s excellent. The way his eyes brighten and his face lights up - the man’s in his element. “Still enjoyed it, though. And I was pretty good at it, entered a few competitions.” Pretty good is more than an understatement, but Jon’s never been one to brag over things that truly matter.

“What’s this one called?”

“Rondo alla ingharese quasi un capriccio,” Jon rolls out in an over-exaggerated Italian accent. “More commonly known as Rage Over a Lost Penny.”

“You could’ve just said that.”

“I could’ve, yes,” he replies playfully, the lilting tones of the music perfectly matching his little smile. He’s an infuriating little bastard. Tim loves it.

“You didn’t want to go professional? Hit the big time?”

“Hardly,” Jon snorts in derision, his hands stilling again. “Gran was right, it wasn’t practical. No use paying for a degree in music when so few people make it.” The music, still lively, goes a bit softer. “Didn’t stop me from auditioning, though.”

“Really?” He tries to imagine a young Jon in front of a panel of judges. “Must have been nerve-wracking.”

“Indeed.” Jon says stiffly, his hands abruptly stopping as they hit a sour note. “I had a panic attack before my hands hit the keys.”

Tim winces in sympathy. “Oh, Jon…”

“And I haven’t played since.” Tim reaches out to take Jon’s hands in his own, although the man avoids his eyes. Jon puts up a hard exterior, but he’s very easily wounded. One wrong word, one bad experience- it’s internalized, played over and over in his head. People don’t realize that about him, but Tim knows better than others that the mind keeps score. “I think a part of me knew she was right. Shouldn’t have bothered.”

“That’s a pity,” Tim once again wishes Jon had one person he could’ve relied on as a child. One adult he could confide in or get encouragement from. He thinks about young Jon, tiny and traumatized and alone, and his chest aches with it. “I think you could’ve made it.”

“Sweet of you.” Jon leans against his side and closes his eyes. “But there’s no need to flatter.”

“It’s not flattery if it’s true,” Tim insists. And yeah, maybe he’s not well-versed in music, but he knows talent and passion when he sees it. He used to see it in his brother all the time. And it’s sad that Jon doubts himself so much. He should be able to at least enjoy his hobby without being reminded of the guilt and what-could’ve-beens.

“Always wanted to learn an instrument,” he begins carefully, letting go of one of Jon’s hands to tinker at the keys. “Maybe I’ll get a keyboard, you can show me the ropes.”

The hand still in his twitches, and he turns to see the small beginnings of a shy smile. Jon’s a good teacher, patient and kind when someone shows a genuine interest in what he has to say. And Tim would do anything to see that easy, boyish smile again, see those fingers flying across the keys with such enjoyment.

“Not sure if you can afford my rates, Stoker.”

“Hey-!”

A cough cuts into his argument. It’s the old woman who sat behind the counter as they arrived, and she’s looking at a spot somewhere above Tim’s ahead. He turns around.

DO NOT TOUCH.

“Sorry ‘bout that,” he drags Jon up from the seat, ignoring his squeak. “We’ll just be going now!”

They sprint out of the store, giggling like naughty school children the entire way. Jon’s genuine laughter is rare, and something to be treasured - nothing like the sarcastic snorts he usually prefers. 

“Damn!” Jon swears as he checks his watch, smile still lingering on his face despite the furrow in his brow. “We were supposed to interview that witness at noon, it’s already half past.”

“Don’t worry, this was a necessary detour,” Tim assures him. And for him, it was. “Piano could’ve been haunted, after all.”

Jon rolls his eyes as he barks out a laugh. “Haunted. Yes, of course.”

On the train, Tim googles how much a keyboard costs. He’s thinking he might take it up after all.  

ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/31219403

[shades-of-stony]

Heavy Angst (And Not-So-Heavy but Still Angsty) Stony Fanfics!

I’m absolutely love a good Tony whump and hurt story so prepare to see a lot of those here! Get your tissues ready!

Push by phoenixreal

Summary: Tony Stark was known for pissing people off, it was a given. Then, after the man everyone thought was nothing more than a selfish prick decided to nearly kill himself saving Manhattan from a nuclear bomb, even the most sure of Tony's bastard status had to rethink it. And then, his team who were sure they had him pegged, they were invited (ordered) to move into Stark Tower with him. To their surprise, they found he had furnished full floors for each of them, somehow knowing their tastes exactly, including a floor dedicated to the resident Asgardian who would only be there some of the time. Surprised, and please, they all wonder at the enigma that is their host. After a couple months, Pepper Potts stops coming around so much, and they realize that something has exchanged between them because they are rather professional to each other. Pepper still frets over Tony, but instead tells the others to keep an eye on him rather than doing it herself. They easily forget that Tony is, and always has been, simply a human civilian. Then things get strange when they find themselves locked down within Stark tower, and after a harrowing viewing of a mysterious video, they find their resident playboy is completely gone.

Note: Prepare to cry and be hurt! This fanfic dabbles with Tony’s insecurity, self-worth, and issues. Please heed the warnings!

The words you choose to say by masterlokisev159

Summary: After the SHRA, the events around Steve’s death and Tony discovering he deleted part of his brain, Tony finally decides he's done enough. With Osborn taken care of, Tony leaves the Avengers and decides to quit being Ironman effective immediately.

He tells himself it doesn't hurt when Steve agrees. Why should it? After everything he's done, the team's better off without him.

However before he can truly move on, there are things he needs to take care of, and it's not long before he realizes he's dangerously close to losing his company. He's desperate and willing to do anything to keep it together.

So when, after months of silence, Steve asks him to drop everything and come work for Shield, Tony finds he doesn't have a choice. He agrees, no matter how much he knows he shouldn't. His reputation isn't exactly the best after the SHRA and he's heard stories of what he'd done as Director. He's knows what he's done. He's knows he's responsible for what happened to Steve.

He just wishes someone had warned him first. He hadn't been prepared to deal with the consequences.

Note: A 1000/10 angst fanfic that made me weep at 3 am in the morning. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED. READ IT AND PREPARE TO CRY BUCKETS

Protocol SOTERIA by GoldenFinches

Summary: Friday's primary objective at all times is to protect one Anthony Edward Stark. And she will fulfill that objective no matter what it takes. Even if it means including certain people she thought she would never have to deal with again.

(Basically the Rogue Avengers get some sense knocked into them with the help of Friday and handful of videos.)

Note: A HIGHLY RECOMMENDED ANGSTY FANFIC. I CRIED SO MUCH READING THIS. 

Straight to Voicemail by YouMakeMeDokiDoki

Summary: "I DID!" Tony screamed, cutting Steve off mid-sentence and whirling around to glare at him. 

"I CALLED YOU! EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU!"

Or

The one where no one answered their phone and things got out of hand. 

Note: this will absolutely break you heart.

Sunshine and Luck by ImportedfromMunich2

Summary: Months after Siberia, Steve and the rest of the defectors are pardoned and allowed back onto the Avengers, with the help of Tony Stark. Now that they're back - nothing is the same as before. Tony is even avoiding Steve at all costs.

Then one night - Tony barges into Steve's bedroom while he sleeps, and they have spontaneous, passionate sex.

Only, the Tony Stark he just fucked isn't from this universe.

Now, Steve has to find a way to explain to Tony that he had sex with his counterpart from another dimension.

Note: A good Steve whump fic! 

When You Mess With Him... by REM_It_Up

Summary: During an event with the Avengers, Tony is kidnapped by an unknown group of men right in front of the team. The group who took Tony taunt the Avengers by leaving small clues to Tony's whereabouts. When the kidnappers finally get in contact with the team, they are forced to watch Tony get tortured on camera.

The Avengers desperately search for their missing friend before they never see him again.

The kidnappers are smart and fast, they have everything figured out in order to get away with their plan...They just forgot one thing--

Colonel James Rhodes

Note: Now this is really heavy! Brace yourselves for a kidnapped and tortured tony! Also, protective honey bear aka Rhodey bonus here!

To Need is Not To Want by Brixon

Summary: All his life Tony has been used as a means to someone's end. Always someone's tool in a game. Carelessly thrown aside, once they had no longer use of him. He keeps it bottled up because, because he's Tony Stark. But he's always had this desire that one day someone would come who would stay because they wanted and needed him. He thought he had that with the Avengers, but after everything with the Accords and everyone leaving after Civil War that hope of having something of his to stay was gone.

Despite being burned constantly, Tony still has this wanting. So when Ryder, an old college friend, comes back into his life and actually seems to want to stay because he wants AND needs Tony, Tony is beyond thrilled. Because Ryder is staying. It doesn't matter if the bruises stay too.

But what happens when the Avengers return and Tony finds himself wondering once again exactly what he wants and what he needs.

Note: I’m sure, from the summary, you can tell that it’s a heartbreak here. 

Hiding Things Is All Too Easy - Until It Isn't by audhds

Summary: Tony hasn't been the same since Bucky arrived at Stark Tower. That much is obvious. But Steve is overjoyed to have his best friend back and is somewhat oblivious to how Tony is withdrawing away from him. Because surely Tony is just overworked as usual. He must be quiet and jumpy because he is sleep deprived. And of course he has a few cuts and bruises on the visible parts of his skin - he fights and works for the Avengers as a living. It's part of the job description. Until it isn't.

Will Steve discover the physical and mental trauma that Tony is going through before it is too late?

Note: This is even heavier! Please read the tags carefully! Also, this has some serious Bucky bashing! If you are a Bucky fan but still interested in this, please prepare yourself. 

No Trait As Much As This by KandiSheek

Summary: Tony gets hit with truth serum. It's a terrible time for everyone.

Note: A bit lighter than the others but still angst nonetheless. The added truth serum element makes this even more interesting!

Good For You by @orbingarrow

Summary: Steve doesn't understand why Tony dates people who abuse him. Tony doesn't understand why Steve cares.

The rest is bad choices, good choices, rehab, milkshakes, paintball, YouTube videos, couples therapy and learning to put the past in the past. Or: How Tony finds his happy ending.

Note: Another Tony-in-abusive-relationships fanfic!!

hold the things you wanna say by SailorChibi

Summary: Tony is still a consultant, and between SI, the team and SHIELD he's overworked and exhausted. That's okay.

He and Steve have been having sex for weeks but that's all it is, just sex, and Tony wants more but he'll never get it and that's okay. Really.

What's not okay is the fact that Howard Stark has somehow appeared in the future and is the same as always.

This is definitely going to fuck up his schedule.

Note: Anyone up for some Howard-travels-to-the-future fanfic?

Childhood is the Kingdom Where Nobody Dies by MemoryDragon

Summary: Seven-year-old Tony Stark wakes up on a Hydra base, lost, afraid, and alone. He has to overcome his fears before it's too late for the Avengers and Captain America.

Note: De-aged Tony just screams heavy angst and hurt!

Advanced Protocol by masterlokisev159

Summary: The Incursions are coming. The Illuminati have surrendered and everyone has come together to take one last stand.

Everyone except Tony. And Steve is tired of waiting. He wants answers.

There's something the Illuminati aren't telling him.

Note: If you don’t know what the Avalon is in Marvel, I recommend you search it up, or you could read this fic. You will be heartbroken with what you find. 

Flower Child by itsallAvengers

Summary: The point was this, though:

In a hundred million universes, in a hundred million different lives, there would never be a single one of them in which Tony Stark deserved anyone like Steve Rogers. Ever.

So this? Nonsensical.

Note: Another fanfic that highlights child abuse and Tony’s insecurities! 

What Pays All Debts by KandiSheek

Summary: No one is supposed to survive the date written on their skin. And yet Tony's numbers keep piling up.

Note: Angst + Death dates? You could probably foretell how much of a gut-wrench journey this is.

Falling Into You by sabrecmc

Summary: Tony and Steve end up as fuck buddies after the events of The Winter Soldier until Steve calls it off. When Loki's spell wipes all of Steve's memories since the last time Loki was in town, Tony decides it will be so much easier to just not tell Steve they had something of a relationship. Spoiler: It isn't.

Or, how Steve fell in love with Tony and forgot about it, and how Tony fell in love with Steve and realized it.

Note: There are just something about amnesia fanfics that makes it so goddamn heartbreaking. 

Art Freaks and Comic Geeks by Coil

Summary: Tony Stark had made himself a phenomenally renowned writer. The world had fallen in love with the heroes that appeared in his novels; captivated by his vivid words of life and colour.

His next ambition was to publish a comic book series starring the much-beloved heroes of his novels. There was just one problem. Brilliant as Tony may have been with his words, his skills in the field of drawing were less than great. It didn’t help that he barely knew what his characters ought to look like in the first place.

Enter: Mister Steve Rogers – an up-and-coming artist/illustrator with the potential to be brilliant.

Their paths happen to cross at Comic-Con.

Note: this is a much lighter angsty fanfic but is still angsty. It is a Modern AU mixed with Artist!Steve and Writer!Tony.

Unwritten Endings by XtaticPearl

Summary: Tony takes the bullet meant for Captain America at the end of their war and through his death, brings together the team again. Only, he isn't really dead and when he comes back, the equations between the team-mates begin to alter and reform, writing a new story altogether.

Note: Of course, you can’t have an angst fanfic rec without a fake death fanfic!

WIP

Need Is Just A Word by masterlokisev159

Summary: A month has gone by since the war and Tony has never felt more alone. of course, with the unrest within the government, the disappearance of the Avengers and the obvious lack of Steve Rogers, it was only a matter of time before the UN finally flipped out and decided to act on the last available Avenger. Too bad they didn't realise a promise had been made by Captain America to be there when Iron man needed him.

Note: a gut-wrenching Post CA:CW fanfic where tony is suffering the consequences of the civil war.

Take me out tonight by masterlokisev159

Summary: When Steve gets invited to a formal party with the government, Fury tells him he can bring a plus one of his choosing. While listening quietly in the corner, Tony heaves a sigh of relief because the team could really do with some positive publicity and any of the Avengers are a good choice for Steve. Tony just wants Steve to be happy after all, even if he knows Steve's gonna pick Natasha. He knows Steve doesn't like him and he's aware there's never going to be anything more between them. They're barely even friends really.

So of course he's absolutely shocked when a gold filigree letter rests in his palms two days later. He's the worst person for this.

Why on earth did Steve choose him?

Note: AHHHHHHHH, INSECURE TONY IS JUST A FAVORITE. Also, confident!Steve that knows who he wants is just a whole new mood!

The Soul Stone's Sacrifice by masterlokisev159

The soul stone demands a sacrifice that Tony and Steve are not prepared for, but in the end, one life is sacrificed for the many. Steve lets Tony go for the last time and mourns a future they never had.

That is until Tony comes back.

Note: A scenario where Tony and Steve where the ones to go to Vormir.