#if its not im going to cry | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

imsleepyanon · 8 months ago

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the mood. THE MOOD. of this entire thing. insane.

ok so, here's thing about lore's writing. the way they write just tickles me, punches me, hugs me, chokes me--everything under the sun, it just fundamentally messes with me. i still need to think about this critically bc even i dont exactly know why it does, but all i know is that my cells are eating this up like its the only thing edible left on earth.

one thing i do know is that the way they space dialogue, paragraphs, etc., is smth i appreciate A LOT. i didnt realize this until i wrote for myself (im an ex-writer!!) and even while i read other fics, i found myself almost viscerally reacting to poorly spaced fics. that's a talk for another day, but i just have to say that lore has mastered AMBIENCE. atmosphere. mood. there is this flow, like the waves against the shore, that just makes SENSE. i still need to pick at this more to be able to properly verbalize it, but it for sure adds to why their writing seems so artful to me. like those paintings you'd want to hang up in your reading room.

OK SLIGHTLY RELATED, but the use of parentheses (im starting to think theres smth wrong with me bc why am i fixating on such small things) is so. natural. i think this is what i meant when i referred to "stream of consciousness-esque" things, where details are included in ways that make the entire thing scenic. it feels like a movie, reading this (all of lore's works are like this tbf). it feels like im witnessing smth, but it's almost tangible, the way it unassumingly appears. but the things said there add so much, it adjusts the hue of the writing, or maybe it increases contrast or its the color that's been balanced with those details (using illustration/art terms now LOL).

honestly reading this makes me want to read properly again. i used to breathe books, but as i got jaded and stuff happened in my life, i stopped reading. and im realizing now as i write out these thoughts, that being a reader makes me so so so happy. this is also why i probably couldnt contain the urge to make a tumblr just to harass lore, bc they reminded me that i love being a reader. it felt like biting into a dessert i forgot existed, a favorite that was left in my past.

this became oddly sentimental/emotional, but tbh writing this out is oddly therapeutic to me. i have a lot of appreciation for writers, and i think it bubbled to a point where i couldnt contain it well (like literally, wth is this post). but i think it's more than deserved, that's why comments go a long way for creative people. being in a world ruled by algorithms and numbers and engagement makes it so hard to create the things you want to, and it makes it a lot harder for works to meet the right people.

im happy i found lore, and that theyve continued to write despite the stuff happening to creative content these days. lore, if youre reading this, i hope that this mess of a ramble does even a fraction of what your writing has done for me! the small moments of excitement or happiness i get from your work, its moments like that, that allow me to breathe a little.

on a lighter note, why is it so fitting that jy calls you "dearest." SOB that man, no wonder he was my first bbygirl. i find it so fascinating lore decided to use "dearest" as opposed to "honey," which seemingly has the same meaning/undertone, but NO. IT IS SO DIFFERENT. BUT MY QUESTION IS, HOW DID THEY KNOW ???? IS THIS INTUITIVE ??? omg im going to actually talk about their characterization abilities later, it actually drives me feral. (its their blade characterization that finally broke the camels back and i literally had to comment as anon...and now here we are, off anon and i'm literally writing essays in reblogs....do tumblr users even do this? i still dont know how to use the site but i think i want to use it as like, a personal fic reading diary now. and who's to stop me? god? god cant save me now)

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[this. this is exactly why i used to avoid commenting on writers' stuff bc, who the hell looks at this and thinks it's normal? bc i certainly dont. but once i started writing, every little comment meant so much, ofc as long as they werent asking when the next chapter would be uploaded. funny thing, that's actually why i stopped writing myself; just got tired of it, and the constant hounding made me avoid the series i was writing for. RIPPP, and im assuming this is also why old me just left fic-life altogether.

but seeing that this is quite enjoyable for me too--yk, being able to fangirl (neutral) about writers/works that ive enjoy so much, im lowkey going to commit myself to have this reading diary of sorts. and then the writers can know that they have an unhinged anon (me) eyeing their works like its their last meal (it is)]

(a continuation of this piece)

"i was surprised that you were late today."

jing yuan says halfway through lunch. he speaks over the rim of his teacup. his lips are curled in an easy, gentle smile. his shoulders are relaxed, posture slack as he leans against his own bent leg.

he's barely touched his meal.

(you have a full bowl as well.)

"i got caught up with work." a lie. a blatant one. you're never late for lunches, and you always let jing yuan know if you even have an inkling of being a few minutes past your appointed time. you're careful about it. meticulous.

your visit to blade has made you careless. dulled you with a grief that is eating you alive.

jing yuan hums thoughtfully. you hope he won't press this. he's-- he's an unusually calm character when he wants to be. you're his lover-- dutifully, horribly reliable and loyal. he has no reason to doubt you.

(except, you'd spent the first half of the day in the shackling prison with its beau acratic hoops and horrors, all to see yingxing. to be heartbroken all over again.)

you thought it would bring you some closure. in retrospect, this was more wishful thinking. all its left you with is an hot, branding ache in your chest. a wound ripped open anew. it had already scarred over, albeit imperfectly healed.

(jing yuan never minded this. he could tell he carried things with you, he'd both told and shown you this. and truthfully, how could you not? being undying does not lend itself to happiness. it lends itself to an accumulation of sin that cannot be undone. cannot be lessened.)

"dear?" jing yuan asks, voice mirthful and sweet. "are you with me?"

"yes." you force yourself present. you hope your eyes aren't too puffy. "i am distracted. what did you say?"

"i asked you what kept you at work." jing yuan asks, so easy. so kind. "if lady fu is working you to hard, i am happy to arrange a few days off for you. is a vacation in order?"

"no, it's alright." you rush, stumble over your words. "i should've planned better is all. how is your lunch?"

jing yuan rests his chin on his palm, "i'm not very hungry today. i apologize, dearest."

"you don't need to apologize. it happens." you assure him. "i'll make you a meal tomorrow. just let me know what you're in the mood for."

"you spoil me."

"i simply treat you well." you tell him. you're grateful you're able to. that the general lets you close enough to cook for him and feed him morsels and lounge on his personal terrace in the artificial sun each day during noontime.

"you do." jing yuan says softly. reverent. he gets like this sometimes. moony and a little dumb about it. so genuine and earnest it breaks you.

(it makes your lie feel that much more sour.)

jing yuan opens his mouth to say more, but promptly redirects as yanqing arrives, swords floating around his back. he and the general talk, carouse for a moment. yanqing has had yet another day of sparring. that's good. that's nice.

(yingxing doesn't remember you. only you are burdened with this memory. will this feeling eat you alive? it's-- it feels worse than it did when you were younger. more naive. when things fell apart and you were burdened with standing by and watching the world you loved so much, with the people you loved so much fall apart. even jing yuan was away, making a name for himself. proving his worth.)

(you alone bear this.)

your chest aches.

jing yuan is at your side. you hadn't noticed him approach you so directly.

"dearest, walk with me?" jing yuan asks and offers you a hand to help you stand. yanqing is already tucking into his meal, waving goodbye.

the terrace is wide, and high above the rest of the luofu's structure. it's lush with plants. vining fruits, plump and ready to be picked curl along its railing. flowers bloom wide and bright.

(you wish you could focus on the beauty of it. how kind a place this is. how fortunate you are to have made it this far.)

"you're distracted today." jing yuan says, guiding you to a bench. his hand lays warm and firm on your shoulder. "are you sure the divination commission is giving you trouble?"

(no, the mutual past lover you both share is layers below you in the shackling prison. radiating an energy that feels astral and unholy. the kindness purged from him. yingxing really is dead, isn't he?)

"no, i promise." you give him a half-truth and a smile that you hope isn't as withered as you fear it is.

jing yuan looks pleasantly neutral. perhaps, if you were some foreign diplomatic or tourist you'd be charmed by such expression. the arbiter general of the luofu is known to be ruthless in battle with a lovely personal disposition. perhaps you'd see this moment as a reflection of that rumor.

you know, however, that in this moment jing yuan is frustrated. he will not treat you with the same firmness that he does his retainer or his subordinates, but you know the feeling is, perhaps, the same.

jing yuan doesn't like when you withhold information. he has always vocally appreciated your candor, with a sweet honesty that's disarming as it comes from a man who speaks in half-truths so frequently.

and now, you lie to him. your jaw is locked and your eyes still feel scratchy and swollen from your tears.

jing yuan begins to speak and you cut him off. grab his hand with a squeeze and pull yourself into his side.

"do you remember when you broke the first blade that yingxing made for you?" you ask.

jing yuan goes still for a moment. just a second of hesitation but you catch it. the feeling melts away as he laughs, tinged with melancholy. "i do. he was furious with me. and you had to collect new ore off-ship for a month for him to craft a replacement."

"i did." you whine with a laugh. "it was miserable. 'roid mining is awful. i was cleaning astradust from under my fingernails for weeks when i got back."

"but, you came back with the ore regardless."

"yes, and i never did again. no matter how much yingxing tried to bribe me."

"you were too busy entertaining the young lady fu to be his errand boy. i remember well."

"i probably could've made the time." you tell him. he knows this already. "i just didn't want to be away. i would've missed you both too much."

"is that why you so graciously eat with me each day?"

"i do that because i love you." you squeeze his hand. "and i enjoy your company. and want to be near you."

(you want to hold him until the last moment, however that takes shape.)

jing yuan hums. he fits you so your cheek presses against his collarbone, and his chin rests on the top of your hand. his arms wrap around your middle, squeezing and rubbing his thumbs over you. he holds you tightly to him.

"the feeling is mutual." jing yuan tells you, soft in a hushed voice only you get to hear.

you bear your weight into him. he catches you easily. holds you until yanqing calls for you both to stop being so 'gross' and to 'rate his form' on a new maneuveur he's been practicing.

jing yuan leads you once more, never fully pulling away from you. a hand on your waist, a palm over the small of your back. he puts you in his lap the moment yanqing excuses himself to flit about.

"you need to get back to the divination commission soon, don't you?" jing yuan asks, probing.

"i took the day off."

"you did, now?" jing yuan has already seen through you. this you know.

"yes." you tell him.

(you want to tell him more. you want to scream and beat the ground. perhaps you willl, later, in the privacy of your shared home.)

for now, you satiate the ache with the truth.

"i saw blade earlier. that's why i was late."

jing yuan squeezes you. it almost hurts as he curls over you.

"and?" jing yuan asks. there's a weakness in his voice that you seldom hear. "are you satisfied?"

"hardly." you tell him, turning his arms to wrap your legs around his waist. to drag him closer until your chest to chest and can hear the steady heartbeat thumping under his sternum. "i don't think i ever will be. i miss him too much. he's just gone."

"i know."

"it's awful, isn't it?"

"it simply is." jing yuan says. this is his way-- the way he has kept himself from being eaten alive by mara. you cannot be cannibalized by the thriving rot if you simply choose to let go of the awful, terrible things that would cleave another person in two. he look at the objective rationality of each situation-- this is why he is the longest-lived general. this is why he is a brilliant strategist, and a soft, grounding lover.

because, he reminds you that yingxing is dead, and any fondness you carry for the man known as blade is misplaced.

"do you not miss him?"

"of course." jing yuan kisses your temple. holds you tightly lest you plunge into the ground or float into the sky. "that does not change things though, does it?"

hope is a twisted thing, you think. in this instance, it's better to kill it. whatever mission yingxing-- no, blade has set out to complete should not concern you. there are greater crises. worse ills.

kinder realities that lay in front of you. at your feet. in your arms.

you nose into jing yuan's jaw. each shuddering breath he gives you, you savor. there's no use clinging, is there? but that doesn't mean you won't enjoy each moment you have with him. you'll be at his side until the divinations carve that that will no longer be possible. you will reminisce, however painful-- but aeons, you must refuse to let your past burden you.

so, you hold jing yuan like a lover does. cup his cheeks and kiss him until he's groaning against your lips, grinding you in his lap. he nips at your lips with a laugh as he pulls you flush to him. closer, closer, closer--

you will hold this in your cupped palms, as long as fate allows. perhaps, you both have earned that much.

#still dont know how to use tumblr #pog #is it normal to write random and long stuff in the tags like this #if its not im going to cry #and go back and edit everything #but anyway guys pls check out lore theyre cracked at writing #you want to get your heart sniped? they got you

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