#if i were funny i could become a comedian

[vagueiish]

honest question: is there some kind of guide that shows me step by step how to become someone people actually care about?

alternatively, can someone just tell me i matter? actually matter, too, on my own merits. not this 'you matter bc everyone matters! :)' participation trophy style bullshit. that kinda stuff is demeaning, tbh

[fvckw4d]

The concept of queerbaiting annoys me. I was told that it refers to a work of fiction pretending to cater to a queer audience but then pulling back from it to avoid alienating homophobes, which is an incredibly specific thing. But a lot of people seem to think that it instead means "any time there's any gay subtex, metaphor, or ambiguity" or "whenever something from 1995-2012 was being a normal amount of homophobic for the era."

[inkskinned]

she's three years younger than i am, and i put on cascada as a throwback, cackling - before your time! i've been borrowing my brother's car, and it's older than dirt, so the trunk is like, maybe permanently locked. when the sun comes through the window to frame her cheekbones, i feel like i'm 16 again. i shake when i'm kissing her, worried i won't get it right.

in 2003, my state made gay marriage legal. where she grew up, it wasn't legal until 11 years later - 10 years ago. if legal protections for gay marriage were a person, that person would be entering 5th grade. online, a white gay man calls the fight for legal marriage boring, which isn't kind of him but it is a common enough opinion.

it has only been 9 years since gay marriage was nationally official. it is already boring to have gay people in your tv. it is already boring to mention being gay - "why make it your entire personality?" i know siblings that have a larger age gap than the amount of time it's been legally protected. i recently saw a grown man record himself crying about how evil gay people are. he was begging us, red in the face - just do better.

i am absolutely ruined any time my girlfriend talks about being 27 (i know!! a child!), but we actually attended undergrad at the same time since i had taken off time to work between high school and college. while walking through the city, we drop our hands, try not to look too often at each other. the other day i went to an open mic in a basement. the headlining comedian said being lesbian isn't interesting, but i am a lesbian, if you care. as a joke, she had any lesbian raise their hand if present. i raised mine, weirdly embarrassed at being the single hand in a sea of other faces. she had everyone give me a round of applause. i felt something between pride and also throwing up.

sometimes one thing is also another thing. i keep thinking about my uncle. he died in the hospital without his husband of 35 years - they were not legally wed, so his husband could not enter. this sounds like it should be from 1950. it happened in 2007. harassment and abuse and financial hardship still follow any person who is trying to get married while disabled. marriage equality isn't really equal yet.

and i don't know that i can ever put a name to what i'm experiencing. sometimes it just feels... so odd to watch the balance. people are fundamentally uninterested in your identity, but also - like, there's a whole fucking bastion of rabid men and women who want to kill you. your friends roll their eyes you're gay we get it and that is funny but like. when you asked your father do you still love me? he just said go to your room. you haven't told your grandmother. disney is on their 390th "first" gay representation, but also cancelled owl house and censored the fuck out of gravity falls. you actively got bullied for being gay, but your advisor told you to find a different gimmick for your college essay - everyone says they're gay these days.

once while you were having a hard day you cried about the fact that the reason our story is so fucking boring to so many people is that it is so similar. that it is rare for one of us to just, like, have a good experience across the board. that our stories often have very parallel bends - the dehumanization, the trauma, the trouble with trusting again. these become rote instead of disgusting. how bad could it be if it is happening to so many people?

i kiss my girlfriend when nobody is looking. i like her jawline and how her hands splay when she's making a joke. there is nothing new about this story, sappho. i love her like opening up the sun. like folding peace between the layers of my life, a buttercream of euphoria, freckles and laughter and wonder.

my dad knows about her. i've been out to him since i was 18 - roughly four years before the supreme court would protect us. the other day he flipped down the sun visor while driving me to the eye doctor. "you need to accept that your body was made for a husband. you want to be a mother because you were made for men, not women." he wants me to date my old high school boyfriend. i gagged about it, and he shook his head. he said - "don't be so dramatic. you can get used to anything."

the other day a straight friend of mine snorted down her nose about it, accidentally echoing him - she said there are bigger problems in this world than planning a wedding.

[sillygoofyqueer]

I'm bored, so take different people's reactions to Xie Lian's spiritual array password ('just recite the Ethics Sutra a thousand times'): Quan Yizhen: No matter how many fucking times it is explained to him, he will never get it. He will sit there in utter silence for at least twenty minutes (everyone thinks he's talking to Xie Lian), until he's asked what he's talking about to Xie Lian, and he gets pissy because they interrupted his count - by this time, it becomes realised that he has fallen for it again. Extra points if it's like, a super dangerous mission and his team is in desperate need of support so they're like "Qi Ying, contact His Highness for backup now!" while they fight this massive fucken ghost and he goes utterly still, face screwing up in concentration, and just gets pummelled into the nearest wall. He ends up just using other people to talk to Xie Lian.

Lang Qianqiu: At first, he finds it funny because what a silly little joke from his former mentor, if only he was this funny when he had been teaching him all those years ago. After a while though, he starts getting slowly irritated each time he has to communicate with Xie Lian because he has to catch himself out as he starts reciting the Ethics Sutra, silently cursing himself out in his head. Ling Wen: If she ever does need to communicate with Xie Lian, it's for official business so she has no time to think about it too much, and therefore cannot be tripped up by it. However, after a long while without sleep, she will occasionally find herself quite literally doing what the password commands, and will allow a little smile at the thought. One time when this happened, she was reported to have started manically laughing and placing her head into her hands. Pei Ming: He finds it fucking HILARIOUS. Like, imagine Feng Xin's reaction but times ten at least, as he laughs uproariously and slaps his hand to his knee, all the while pointing at Xie Lian and going, "Your Highness, I didn't realise you were such a comedian!!" No matter how many times he communicates with Xie Lian, he will always laugh at it for a few minutes. He's like a father. I if he's talking about using the array, everyone can immediately tell who he's communicating with based on whether or not he laughs. Shi Qingxuan: I honestly think they'd have a little laugh about it at first, and then never react to it ever again. Like, "Hahaha" and that's it. They never really get caught out by it, because their brain is going into overdrive about whatever they want to talk to Xie Lian about so they just break their way into his Array with little thought to it all. Not that they're dumb in any sense of the word, they're just so focused on their gossip that they shake at the bars of the cage without even remotely thinking too hard about it. Shi Wudu: I know he'd probably communicate with Xie Lian through other people but, on the rare occasion that he communicates with His Highness personally, he is not at all amused. He calls it childish and silly. Well, in public, anyway. In private, he'll probably actually find himself having a little chuckle about it, shaking his head as he enters the array before pulling up his walls instantly. Yushi Huang: Xie Lian gets really embarrassed telling her because it feels childish, and she let him borrow her spiritual device during his first ascension, so he doesn't want her to be like "can't believe I let this child use my spiritual device." When he does eventually tell her, she probably smiles and nods, but doesn't give any other reaction. Inside? Knee slaps all around for the Crown Prince. He Xuan: Why does he have to personally communicate Xie Lian? He doesn't want to risk Hua Cheng beating him if he says something "wrong". When he hears Xie Lian's password, he stares at him with a glower that could kill if it were any other person, letting out the most empty laugh ever so he didn't get beaten, before walking away. So no, he does not care for Xie Lian's humour, and did not fall for it - he did. He did fall for it, but he has such a resting bitch face that it's hard to tell. He gets mad at himself for falling for it. He pretends not to. Hua Cheng knows though, and He Xuan knows that he knows. Yin Yu: So, imagine you're an underpaid, overworked employee with an absolutely terrifying boss. He scares the shit out of you. He has a very lovely husband who he cares about dearly and will definitely be pissed off at you if you dare hurt his husband. His husband makes a joke and you can feel your boss' eyes glaring right into your soul from behind. This is how Yin Yu feels when he's told about Xie Lian's password. So, of course, I'm sure you can all picture the - in Yin Yu's opinion - most exaggerated falling for it ever, followed by laughter that reeks of "please, PLEASE go with this. I don't want to lose my job", until Yin Yu has to physically stop to breathe.

[lizardsfromspace]

Okay one other thing, TV ratings wise, is that when Seinfeld's pilot was tested, it did horribly and every executive hated it. But one, Rick Ludwin, thought it was funny, and in those days you could just ignore The Numbers sometimes and decide to keep a show on anyway in the hopes it would become big

But Ludwin went further than that. He didn't just say "well I think we should pick it up to series". He just did it. He personally funded it from his division's budget, and he was in charge of specials and live events at NBC (because of this Seinfeld was overseen by that division its entire run, and people who otherwise worked on, like, talk shows and concert specials were fairly hands-off with their only sitcom), so that meant he cancelled a Bob Hope special that year and gave its money to a failed pilot he thought was funny

Can you imagine a Netflix exec going "I like this pilot, so can we cancel one of our three hundred '[COMEDIAN NAME]: CANCELLED' specials this year?"and keeping their job? Can you imagine someone getting away with that? They should do that. Even if there isn't a pilot they like they just use that money for anything else. Do it. They have one starring Ellen DeGeneres now. But since she's not edgy she just tells bland jokes & tries to convince people it would be feminist to let female bosses be awful to their staff. Please...cancel them for real...please...

[blackbat05]

Real or Not Real?

Miguel O’Hara x Reader

Plot: You need a plus one for a wedding. Who better than your boss and perhaps the most hated person on your list.

Genre: PG-13, Enemies to Lovers (I would like to think so😬)

A/N: I’m on a roll. Also, I always wanted to do this trope! This is longer than usual. Reblogs and feedback appreciated!💜

“Shit!” Your phone bounces off the bed, landing inches away from another expensive repair.

“What’s wrong?” Jessica Drew looks up from the self help book that she was currently engaged in.

“An old classmate. I totally forgot about the wedding!” You groan, feet becoming more fidgety by the second.

“Right… and would you care to explain why you look like one of Norman Osborn’s pumpkins?” Your best friend looks at you cautiously, as if like you were a volcano waiting to explode any second.

“Well, she used to be great with everyone in school. Can’t say the same about myself.” You winced internally at the memories about your youth. “You know how it is. Everyone is either rich, successful or in love once they leave school.”

“Or maybe all three.” Jessica adds helpfully much to your chagrin.

“Thanks, Jess.” You refrain from rolling your eyes. “Anyways, the chat group got reignited and some genius started asking about ‘the girl who everyone always see but doesn’t really know’ and before I know it, everyone starts pestering me about how I’m doing!” You throw your hands dramatically in the air and Jessica can’t help but to look amused. “So?”

“So, I kinda told them that I have a reallyhotboyfriend.” The last few words are mashed into one big mess but still clear enough for Jessica to pick up. “You what now?”

Smelling the judgement from a mile away, you hang your head in defeat. “I know! I’m an idiot! I couldn’t help myself okay? This is what happens when you attend a private all girls’ school. You stand out for being weird and suddenly The Plastics start making your entire school life hell.”

“The Plastics?”

“It’s a movie reference.”

“Why am I not surprised.” Jessica chuckles. “So what now girl? How’s damage control going?”

“Terrible.” You splat face first into the pillow. “I was thinking of getting help from the guys but…” You hold up four fingers, ticking them off one by one. “Pavitr can’t pretend, Hobie’ too unpredictable, Miles is too young and Peter’s married with a child - a fact I can’t ignore even if this is fake.”

Jessica looks at your closed fingers, tapping her chin thoughtfully. If being friends with her taught you anything, this wasn’t a good sign.

“There is one more option. I think he would fit your description of a really hot boyfriend.” She deliberately gives you a meaningful look that makes you leap off the bed, throwing her an accusing look.

“Actually, I think I’m going to ask Gwen. Do you know where I can find her?”

“Long gone. She went to visit Captain Stacey.” Jessica quips. “Come on. He’s a good option. Besides, this is a great opportunity to know him better!”

“I rather tangle with the loch-ness monster instead.” You mumble, thinking about your very first encounter with the man of the hour - Miguel O’Hara. The two of you were a good representation of day and night.

While you were bright and upbeat, the leader of the Spider Society probably didn’t have the word ‘joy’ in his dictionary. As you attempted to introduce yourself to him at your first meeting, he had simply brushed you aside.

“Miguel isn’t that bad once you get to know him.”

“Very funny, Jess. You should be comedian of the year. Did you forget how he yelled at me when I pushed him out of the way from Kingpin’s gangbangers?”

Jessica opens her mouth slightly, only to shut it soon after. You frown, turning your back to see whatever she was staring at behind you. How you wished you hadn’t. Oh, if only the ground could swallow you whole as Miguel himself stands at the door, staring at you with an unreadable expression.

“What- how long have you been here for?” You struggle to form that one sentence. “Jess…” You start accusingly.

Jessica shrugs, taking Miguel’s presence as a sign to leave. “I’ll leave you two to it!” She gives you a wink that results in your mouth hanging agape. Miguel closes the door and you quickly attempt to compose yourself.

“I’ll do it.”

“Do what?”

Miguel raises a brow. “Be your date.” He says it all too nonchalantly, as if choosing at empanada at the supermarket. You blink, pinching yourself out of his sight. The situation was very real. He stands in front of you, waiting.

“What do you want from me?” You blurt out. “You want something in return.” You clarify once more, trying to make sense of things.

The end of Miguel’s lips turn upwards slightly, and you’re worried that the sudden acceleration of your heart would unable to support your body to stand upright.

“I just want to apologize for my behavior and I happened to overhear your conversation.” He responds and you make a mental note to never trust Jessica again for not warning you about his presence.

“Am I in some kind of alternate dimension?” You laugh, trying to defuse the awkwardness. Miguel remains impassive, eyes staring intently into yours.

“What’s it going to be? You can take me or you can look like a liar to everyone. It’s your choice.”

You hate to say it, but he’s right.

***

“You came!” Your old friend comes barreling into you, giving you a big hug.

“Lils! You look amazing!” You gushed, returning the hug. “Congratulations. What a beautiful place.” You refer to the beachside wedding that she insisted on.

“Thanks! Jeju Island was always on my bucket list. I’m so glad I get to share this memory with all of you!” She gushes, turning to your plus one. “I mean, I finally get to see who has stolen your heart!” She extends a hand. “And who may you be?”

“Miguel O’Hara.” He extends his own hand for a shake. “Congratulations.”

“No need for the formalities!” Lilly smiles brightly. “What I do want to know is how you two got together! You can be away from her for a little can’t you?”

Before the two of you can even say anything, you find yourself being pulled away by Lilly while the groom effortlessly picks up the conversation with Miguel. She brings you aside, within the sight of the two men.

“Tell me everything!” She pounces on you like a tiger, demanding to know your first encounter. You give what you hope was a easy smile. “We’re… colleagues.” You don’t think exposing both your superhero personas would do well, not especially when you got here by inter dimensional traveling.

Your friend seems to be satisfied by this as she squeals. She hits your shoulder a little too aggressively, wanting more. You sigh, hoping that Miguel wasn’t being interrogated this intensively on his end.

“We just had the same interests and kind of clicked.” You prayed that the questioning would stop soon. “Everything was just a blur after.”

Lilly nods, throughly invested in your fake love story. She’s about to ask another question when a sharp voice pierced through the air, causing you to be rooted to the ground. You really wanted to run away at that moment.

“What is this that I’m hearing? You’re actually seeing someone?” The clack of heels come to a stop and you find yourself facing your tormentor.

“It’s nice to see you too, Becca.” You grit through your teeth. The woman remains oblivious to your discomfort as she addresses the two others trailing behind her. “I wonder who’s the lucky man nice enough to pick her up!”

“That’s enough, I invite you to my wedding out of our friendship but this doesn’t give you the right to insult her.” Lilly shoots back, keeping her eyes trained on your curled fists.

“It’s alright, Lils.” You try to remain calm. “Let’s go. I’ll tell you everything later.” You take the lead to escort her back when Becca’s comment brings you to a halt.

“I bet he isn’t even real!”

Although she was right, you couldn’t help but to turn around, wanting to give Becca and her posse a piece of your mind. Something that you should have done a very long time ago.

“Oh, I’m very real alright.”

You see Miguel walking up towards the trio. Was it just you or did Miguel look… angry?

He composes himself, giving a charming grin to the trio who looked like they were going to start falling at his feet any moment.

“Miguel O’Hara. She has told me a lot about you three.”

“Oh, she has?” Becca twirls the edge of her skirt nervously and you don’t know where Miguel is going with this.

“Sure. She’s told me all about how you three dimwits made her entire life hell. Honestly? I don’t even know how that happened when she’s a hundred times classier with more substance than you plastics claim to have.” Miguel catches your eye and gives a quick wink.

“Excuse me?” Becca stutters. “Oh, I get it. She must have paid you to say that!”

Miguel walks over and gently loops an arm over your shoulders. By now, the conversation seemed to have attracted every guest who were lining up at the buffet table.

“Nope. But you know what she is? She is the most courageous and selfless person who wouldn’t hesitate to help others. I don’t think you three would even come close to understanding what that means.”

Miguel has done it. He’s left them speechless and every guest is know giving disapproving looks to the trio who can only storm away in embarrassment.

“I think I’m not that hungry yet. How about we take a walk?”

You realize that Miguel is asking you, so you nod numbly and find yourself being led out of the venue. You see Lilly standing at the entrance greeting guests.

Catching your eyes, she gives you a thumbs up and a mischievous grin, not bothered at all about the verbal altercation that was inadvertently caused by you. Amidst the chaos, one thought was clear in your mind.

Just what is going on?

***

The rainbow colored blocks providing as seats for families, friends and couples to take photos makes the sea look even clearer. Silence overtaking the two of you, you busy yourself with noticing how the jagged edges of the rocks are a wonderful addition to the waves crashing near the shore.

“What’s going on up there?”

Finally. You prepare yourself, stopping beside the statue. “I was just about to ask you the same thing O’Hara.” You take a brave step closer towards the hulking man and he briefly looks away before staring back at you. “Not that I’m ungrateful but that wasn’t like you.”

“Then, what am I supposed to be?”

You paused. “Well… you’re supposed to be grumpy and grouchy and keeping me at arm’s length I guess?” You search for the right words as Miguel contains a chuckle seeing how flustered you were becoming by the second. “And you’re suddenly being nice to me? Hell would have to freeze over.”

Miguel closes the already small gap between the two of you and you suddenly feel hot at his gaze. He examines you for a while and you think he’s about to deliver another sharp retort.

“I did try. I tried to keep you away but you were too bright and cheerful for your own good.” Miguel gruffly tells you. “You were so much like her.”

You knew that he was referring to his past. His wife whom no one really dared to talk about. You finally understood. To him, you were a walking and living painful reminder.

“I’m sorry.” You breathed out. The air suddenly constricts in your lungs and you feel the need to get away. Anywhere but here. You turn around and find yourself being pulled into him. Miguel hugs you, and he hugs you tight.

“No, I’m the idiot. I punished you for seeing you as someone else.” He confesses. “I should have just seen you as… you. You were so bright and so brave, I almost lost it when you took the bullets from Kingpin. That’s when I knew my behavior had to stop. I wanted to tell you and I guess I saw this as the perfect opportunity.”

“Oh.” You don’t know how else to react to this sudden revelation.

“But I meant every word. About me apologizing for my past behavior.” Miguel continues. “And that. Earlier on.” He refers to his relentless counter attack on your tormentors. “I didn’t know that you had to go through all that.”

“Hey, we all go through things right? Kind of a ticket to join the spider society.” You try to lighten things up. “Besides, it’s nothing big.”

Miguel pries you away gently, a slight frown on his face. “Don’t minimize your struggles. You are a hundred times stronger than those three combined. After all, that’s what made you stood out to me in the first place.”

Your heart swells at his statement. As you hear the waves crashing, it felt as if like it gave you a sense of newfound confidence as well. It was all or nothing now. You’re inches away from Miguel, his rosy cheeks prominent from the strong breeze that the coastal city offered. “I just have one more question.”

Miguel cocks his head to the side, curious. He doesn’t interrupt, giving permission for you to go ahead.

“You love me. Real or not real?”

He takes you by the waist, lips on yours. It could be minutes or hours before he lets go, leaving you in a daze. But the movement of his lips are as clear as day. One that would be forever etched in your memory.

“Real.”

[luciaramosc]

⁎⁺˳✧༚ enchanted

pairing: carmen ‘carmy’ berzatto x afab!reader

warnings: fluff, kissing, swearing, insinuated bath time, nothing graphic

word count: 1.8k words

an: i wrote this in the trenches (waiting to be seen at urgent care) so please excuse any typos 🙈 currently gnawing at the bars of my enclosure because i’ve been sick all week, but the delulu is as strong as ever!

Carmen’s head hung low in his hands, his elbows resting on the battered desk as the knot in his shoulders weighed against him. His mind itched to grab the pack of cigarettes in his pocket, but the exhaustion seeped through his veins too heavily to even bother. His ears were entranced by the rhythmic tick…tick…tick… of the clock above the office door, but the new-found quiet had been welcomed after a day of yelling and dishing. He moved his head to rest on his palm, and his tranquil eyes struggled to flutter open. With his other hand, he began to scribble nonsense for orders that he hoped he could translate tomorrow morning, but he knew his attempts were becoming futile when he wrote “10 pd skt stk,” meaning to write “10 pounds skirt steak.”

In the midst of his battle with sleep deprivation, Carmen hadn’t even noticed the string of texts you sent his way. It was nearing 12:30am, and you had just left the bar you worked at when you pulled your phone out and invited him to your apartment for the night.

Carmy :)

12:27

Hey bub! I just got off of work and I’m heading home

Sleepover? My bed’s cold without you :(

12:31

I have a bottle of your favorite wine if that convinces you ;)

12:38

Carmyyy

Are you still at The Bear?

Okay I’m calling you

Carmen’s head slipped off his palm and lulled him awake, and his bleary eyes fought against the bright light of his desk lamp. He heard the constant buzzing of his phone, and surmised that it had to have been you calling him. His decorated hands rubbed his eyes before he shuffled papers and folders around to find his cell, but to no avail. As he heard the buzz come to an end, he huffed out a breath, and he ceased his search. Instantly, however, his phone began to shake again, and a smile graced his face at the thought of his girl missing him that much. After pushing a few more unnecessary items off the desk, he found his found phone with a picture of you illuminating his screen. He swiped his thumb to answer the call, and he pushed his phone to his ear, desperate to hear your voice.

“Baby? You okay?” you asked once Carmen picked up. Delighted, his lips curled up into a smile.

“Hey princess, I’m alright. Just got caught up with papers and shit,” he rasped out, sleepiness laced in his voice. “I’m wrapping up here though. What’s up?”

“I just wanted to see if you wanted to come over tonight,” you hummed into the line. “We haven’t seen each other much this week, and I know for a fact you haven’t slept well.” You giggled softly as she uttered the truth.

Carmen cracked a chuckle at her words, knowing that she wasn’t wrong. “Yeah, sweetheart, no need to rub it in,” he muttered in a half-dazed state. “But yeah, gimme like,” he peered down at his watch, reading 12:40, “20 minutes and I’ll be there. Is that okay, honey?”

You opened the door of your apartment, closing it behind you before locking it as you cradled your phone between your ear and shoulder. “Yeah, absolutely,” you told him as you set your bag down. “I can pop some cookies in the oven in the meantime? Unless that’s out of your league, chef,” you teased him. He could hear the smirk in your tone as you joked about the cookies.

“Haha, very funny, baby. Gonna hit me with anything else?” he asked her.

“Not right now, no,” a smile cracked at her lips. “It’s not my fault you decided to date a comedian. ‘Can’t take the flame, don’t get in the kitchen,’ or whatever nonsense you guys say.”

“Alright, not too much,” he chuckled out, the sound vibrating deep in his chest. “I’ll see you in a few, alright sweetheart?”

She bit her lip in thought before closing out the call. “See you in a few. I love you, Carmy.”

“I love you more,” Carmen said before hanging up the call. He put his phone into his pocket before running a calloused hand through his curls. His drowsy eyes scanned the room briefly, wondering where to start, before picking up the mistrewn papers and folders off the office floor. He set them in a neat (ish) pile on the desk before standing up from the rickety chair. He stepped out of the office, taking one more peek of the kitchen and dining room to ensure they looked the same as they were when The Bear closed (They were, Carmen’s just paranoid). Not soon enough, Carmen punched his work card for the night and took the keys out from his pocket, turning them in the door and locking up for the night.

As Carmen made his way back to his place to get an overnight bag, you had occupied yourself with prepping for your boyfriend’s stay. You dressed up your apartment with candles, put your speaker to play smooth jazz, and set up your bathroom with elements for a well-deserved bath for both you and Carmen. You knew that things with the Bear had been picking up for him, and while you could not have been happier for him, you knew that it took a toll on his well-being, so you were thrilled that he agreed to spend the night and relax for a moment.

Within a few minutes, the oven chimed and you got to taking the cookies out the oven, the rich smell of cinnamon and vanilla filling the apartment. You put on some oven mitts and right as you slid the hot trays onto the counter, the doorbell rang, letting you know that Carmen had made it safely to your door. “Just a second!” You called out, taking the gloves off and letting your hair out of its updo. You sauntered over to the door, and you’re met with Carmy holding a bouquet in his hands, the arranged pinks and oranges capturing your attention. “Hey sweetheart, sorry for the late hour,” he uttered, motioning the arrangements towards you. “I brought these ‘cause they reminded me of you,” he admitted with a lovesick grin on his lips as you grabbed the bouquet.

You peered down at the flowers in your hands before looking up at him, staring into his soft eyes, evidence of exhaustion painting his features. “Carmy, you shouldn’t have,” a soft pout puckered at your lips, tears swelling in your waterline. “This is so sweet, thank you bub.” You smiled up at him before pulling him inside, saving him from the coolness of the night. You closed the door behind him as he pulled your frame towards him, one hand resting on the plush of your hip as he pressed a sweet peck on your lips. “Carmy, it’s 1am, where the hell did you get these from?” you giggled out, confused, though appreciative of his gift.

“I meant to stop by earlier during my lunch break to drop them off,” he began, rubbing the back of neck sheepishly, “but shit hit the fan, and I got caught at work.”

“Well, I love them either way. Thank you, bub,” you assured him with a smile, pressing a kiss on his cheek. “Let me take your bag to my room. Eat a cookie or two, please. I know you’ve barely eaten today, chef,” she playfully demanded. You grabbed the duffel from his hands before heading towards your bedroom, delicately leaving the bouquet on the kitchen table to set up later.

You dropped the duffel bag off at the foot of your shared bed before joining him in the kitchen, watching Carmen take down two cookies in three bites. “Good for supermarket cookies, huh?” you teased him, poking his bicep. He shook his head playfully before looking at you, adoration pooling in his eyes with a smile to match. “Good for supermarket cookie,” he repeated. You grabbed one of the cookies off the tray, still slightly warm, and took a bite, savoring the taste after a long night at work. You made yourself a mental note to buy more of these christmas tree cookies before the holidays ended.

After finishing your last bite, you made your way to the sink, grabbing a vase and filling it with water for your flowers. You grabbed the bouquet off the table and began to cut the ends at an angle, taking in the scent of the tulips Carmen brought you. As you were getting lost in a rhythm, Carmen came up behind you, wrapping his arms around your frame and resting his head on your shoulder. He pressed soft kisses down your neck, trailing down to your shoulder, effectively distracting you from your work. “You could be a florist, ya know. You’ve got gentle hands and a good eye for stuff like this,” his accent hummed out in your ear.

It was your turn to softly chuckle at his words, feeling the way his hands trailed down to hold the plush of your waist and how the feel of his fingertips on your skin felt blissful. “Oh, I’m sure, Carmy,” you quipped out, taking your lip between your teeth as you moved the flowers into the watered vase. Once you were done, you moved the arrangement from the sink to the kitchen table, setting it next to the candles you lit earlier.

Carmen trailed behind you out the kitchen, resting a gentle hand on the small of your back. You stepped back into the living room and sought solace in the warm arms of your lover, his strong arms holding you flush against his frame. The two of you rocked back and forth in a gentle rhythm to the soft beats playing, simply in awe of this sweet little life you’ve been able to create. You and Carmen created a perfect harmony out of the asyncopated clutter in both your lives, but you wouldn’t mind another thing on your plate as long as it meant coming back into Carmen’s arms every night.

One of his hands rested on the warmth of your waist while the other trailed up to hold your chin, bringing your lips to meet his in a domestic buzz, sharing sweet kisses in the candlelight. You broke apart and rested your forehead against his shoulder, swaying in the lovestruck air. “I set the bathroom up if you want to take a hot bath later. I got those salts you like to put in the water that help with your muscles. How does that sound?” You whispered out, gently playing with his curls. “God, you’re so good to me,” he playfully groaned out. You placed one last peck on his lips, cradling his cheek in your hands as a smirk adorned your features. “Sounds like a plan to me, then.”

[venuscxre]

⌞ 𝐂𝐔𝐏𝐈𝐃’𝐒 𝐂𝐇𝐎𝐊𝐄𝐇𝐎𝐋𝐃 ; 𝐋𝐀𝐍𝐂𝐄𝐋𝐎𝐓 ⌝

summary ; lancelot x cupid!reader headcannons.

request ; “ hii, i was wondering if you could do lancelot x cupid! reader headcanons? she was like adopted by meliodas and elizabeth when she was an infant and stuff so shes like a holy knight (or one of four, which makes five) she is like the knight of hatred/love if you get what i mean??? idk if this makes any sense but its my first request as you can tell. it would a lot if you could do this since its been on my mind. however, no rush and just taker caree. ” — anon

pairing ; lancelot / fem cupid!reader

tags ; fluff, mutual pining, the reader is a bit of an airhead, elizabeth and meliodas are her adoptive parents.

notes ; dinner is served!

𝐜𝐚𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐨𝐠

lancelot with a cupid!reader who he always found quite… odd while growing up, choosing to steer clear of her during their childhood.

growing up into their teenage years, he found her less of a weirdo and more of an airhead. he found that she’d often space out, thinking of who knows what and always stood the risk of getting herself hurt because of it.

with her clumsiness and the knack she has for spacing out in the worst situations, lancelot just accepted his fate and decided to have an eye out on her, tailing her from behind at a good distance without her knowing to avoid her getting herself hurt or into trouble.

he’d watch in amusement whenever she’d help someone with relationship problems or even help budding relationships bloom. her passion for helping people find their other halves or help a relationship flourish is something he found slightly intrusive but didn’t say anything about it. at the end of the day, she was helping people and they seemed happy, so just kept his mouth shut about his opinions.

soon enough, the liones siblings and lancelot slowly hung out less and less as they all became increasingly busy with their training as knights of the prophecy.

when lancelot and tristan were assigned to go find the last two knights of the apocalypse, she secretly tagged along with lancelot, although the fairy was already aware of her presence; he could hear her thoughts from a mile away.

despite his original weariness of her, lancelot didn’t seem to mind having her around as much as he thought he would. she turned out to be really good company; he hated to admit it, but she was funny, he almost tried to persuade her into becoming a comedian rather than continuing on as a knight.

when they eventually managed to find cute lil’ percival, it was like she had cloned herself and split her brain cell, because those two were birds of a feather; optimistic and stupid as fuck. but they were cuties so he’d give them a pass.

during their time together, lancelot, albeit reluctant to come to terms with it, found that she was starting to grow on him. he’d find himself always listening to whatever thing she was rambling on about, making sure she’s alright during or after a battle with chaos knights, and making sure that she doesn’t walk into another tree like she did last time. he also found himself becoming a little more protective of her than usual. he knows that she can protect herself, but seeing her hurt kind of angers him in a way; a way that he can’t describe.

as someone who deals with love and everything in the sense of the word, the cupid!reader already knows the telltale signs of a crush, no matter what type of person they might be. she couldn’t help but feel giddy when she noticed some of the signs in lancelot’s recent behaviour towards her; having liked him for the longest time.

by the time they and the percival platoon reached liones, there was a significant change in the relationship between lancelot and the cupid!reader; the both of them being easily mistaken as lovers. this change in their relationship didn’t go unnoticed by the rest of the royal family or the tristan platoon. and at the realization that something might be going on between the two, a spark of protectiveness was lit within the king and prince.

during the showdown with arthur pendragon, she had sustained some serious damage whilst trying to evacuate the citizens, which further fueled lancelot’s hostility towards the king of chaos.

after getting healed and put on bed rest, lancelot made sure to stick by her side, not wanting to take his eyes off her for a minute. it was bad enough that percy had lost slight control when he and the rest of the platoon almost got taken out by isolde and co. he still needs to get back at that bastard chion for all the ruckus he'd caused.

“you know that i’m perfectly fine now, right? you don’t need to follow me around like this, lance.”

while you don’t mind the attention you’re getting from lancelot, it is getting increasingly hard to mask how flustered you're becoming. you wish that he could tone it down just a bit so that your heart doesn’t burst out of your chest.

“i’m not taking any more chances with you. you’re always getting hurt in one way or another, you damn klutz,” he grumbled, lightly flicking your forehead and snickering when your lips curl into a pout.

“hey! that’s mean—“

“watch it!” lancelot’s arm shoots out to grab your waist, pulling you into his side to prevent you from walking straight into one of the cracks in the middle of the road, curtsey of arthur’s attack earlier. he raises an eyebrow, looking down at you with a ‘see what i mean?’ expression.

“you should pay better attention to your surroundings, princess. i’m not always going to be by your side to protect you,” he gives your waist a light squeeze, not letting go.

“yeah, yeah..” you mumble, trying to suppress your thoughts that had begun to run laps in your head from how close he was.

lancelot chuckled slightly as you tried (and failed) to hide your thoughts from him; one of them did pique his interest, however. “you think i smell nice, princess?”

you feel yourself die inside a little as your cheeks heat up in embarrassment. damn it, damn it, damn it.

at your embarrassment, he lets out a louder laugh. “you never fail to amuse me, princess. but i must say, thank you for the compliment.”

“quit it. you’re being a jerk, lance...”

“you know you love me, princess. i know you do,” he presses a kiss to your cheek. you pause, your body going rigid as you try to process what he’d just done.

“did... did you just...” you stammer, unable to finish your sentence as your brain short circuits.

“kiss you? yeah, i did. you want another one?” he teased, leaning down so that your faces are inches away from each other.

“i—i..”

“your call, princess. i won’t kiss you unless you tell me to,” he murmured.

unable to form proper words, you nod. lancelot contemplates on teasing you some more, but decides against it for now. he presses a gentle kiss to your lips, his hand caressing your waist as he does. you kiss for a few seconds before pulling away from each other, both of you a little red faced.

“c’mon, let’s go see percy and the others.”

© 𝐕𝐄𝐍𝐔𝐒𝐂𝐗𝐑𝐄; plagiarism, retranslation or reposts of my work is completely unauthorized.

likes, comments and reblogs are appreciated. <33

[purplepickles]

NSFW ALPHABET- CENTRAL CEE

If your a minor dni

Pairings: Central Cee x black fem reader

Genre: smut *doesn’t go into detail but it is mention

A/N: the reader of anything I write will be black or a woc unless said otherwise💗

A = Aftercare

One thing about Oakley is that he’s going to take care of you in any and every way he can.

“Shittt baby we’ve made a mess huh?”

You nod currently shocked on what you just spend the last couple of hours doing

“You stay here and I’ll run a hot bath to clean you up”

B = Body part

He loves every part of you. He loves kissing and sucking your lips when he can. But when it’s just you and him he can’t stop looking at your tits. It could be movie night and he’ll still something manage to get his hand under your shirt and suck your tits in awe.

C = Cum

When you haven’t seen each other in months just know he’s loaded and soon as he gets the chance to fuck you he’s gonna cum and cum lots.

D = Dirty Secret

As much as he doesn’t want to admit he likes to be overstimulated. He loves it when you dominate him. He sometimes forgets how high your sex drive is and when you’re riding him trying to reach your climax he’s wants to tap out so badly but the feeling of your wet insides tightening around him how could not go for another round.

E = Experience

You would joke around in the beginning of your relationship about him being a whore because of his high body count but you two first started fucking you we’re so grateful because he definitely knew what he was doing.

F = Favorite Position

Missionary can be a basic or boring to some but you can never go wrong with a classic right? He loves to watching you his dick disappear in you. He loves loving directly into your eyes while you take him whole. The body to body contact and the rough makeout session kills You everytime. You can’t focus one thing it’s the satisfaction from his speeding up his movement or the rough makeout session or holding eachothers hands tight as if one one of you is going to disappear or the loud moans and screams everytimes he hits that same spot.

G = Goofy

Oakley likes make jokes in bed. Only the lord knows why he does this. You could looking into his eyes while riding him and he begins to make silly faces.

“Oakley stop doing that it’s not funny”

“I’m sorry baby I’ll stop”

Or sometimes you’ll have a morning debrief in bed and he’ll start bussing out jokes

“Oakley you think you’re some fucking comedian”

“I’m retire for music be a joker instead”

H= Hair

He lovessss it when you get hair done especially in when you do long braids. Watching you tie up your hair before giving him head turns him on. He knows that your getting straight to business. But he also loves it when you pull his hair when he eats you out he knows that’s your way of telling him to keep going.

I = Intimacy

Oakley isn’t afraid of showing you intamacy. He doesn’t care are if he has to arouse you in public, eating you like your his meal, fingering you till you squirt or fucking you to sleep he’ll do it. He want to show you off and show you how grateful he is to have you.

J= Jerking Off

This isn’t something he likes to do often because he doesn’t feel like it satisfies his needs the way you do but if he hasn’t seen you in ages he’ll FaceTime you just for you to catch him jerk off.

K= Kink

Overstimulation and a big breeding kink. When he sees you around your siblings or your nephews and nieces he thinks about the long but process of making you become his own personal milf. Maybe nutting inside you a little deeper wouldn’t hurt.

L= Location

In terms of your flat there’s no where you haven’t done.

Shower Sex ✅

Bedroom ✅

Studio✅

Kitchen ✅

Occasionally he’d fuck you in the car those were of a fuck it moment. Compared to you Oakley likes keep his imitate in a private place where you wouldn’t mind on pushing a few boundaries to get what you want.

M = Motivation

When he’s had a rough day he loves that you’ll push your shyness away and initiate things to get him in a good mood.

N = Nudes

He was never one to send nudes until you two started dating. You two don’t use snap as much you used to butt when he’s miles away or just hasn’t given you the attention you usually crave why not send him a purple snap showing how much you miss him.

O = Oral

Oakley loves giving head the thought of waiting you squirm over his fingers turns him on. He loves watching scream his names he licks all the mess the youve made.

P = Pace

You love when his paces switched from slow and hard strokes to straight up r rated porn. When he speeds up the pace the grunts will let you know how close he is to destroying your insides.

Q = Quickies

He hates quickies even though you always make sure he comes in the end but he hates rushing something he loves doing with you. He sometimes feels you’re not fully satisfied because of how much you focus making him feel good.

R= Risk

Oakley’s breeding kink is fun and games until he’s running around trying to find if a pharmacy is open so he can buy you a plan b or if your two weeks late again.

S = Squirt

He didn’t know girls could squirt til he met you. He thought it was only in porn and that it was fake. Ever since he discovered you’re a squirter it’s become his mission to make you squirt every session he doesn’t mind change the sheets everyday.

T = Toy

Oakley was once against toys he didn’t see the point in you needing on. He thought he wasn’t doing a good job. After a little bit of persuasion and a lot of experimenting you now have a mini collection of toys he likes to use on you.

U = Unfair

Oakley likes to push your buttons and see how far can he tease you until you beg. Sometimes he’ll start mid foreplay and decide to stop because somewhere to be and you’ll have to finish off yourself.

V = Volume

Oakley loves to make you scream. He loves to rail you and cover your mouth and tell you your being too loud and then thrusts into you harder just to hear you grunt louder

W = Wet

He loves seeing how wet he makes you guys are away. The sights are you showing how wet and soaked you are turns him on so much.

X = X-Ray

You’re convinced Oakley’s into a bit of role play. He’s mentioned a few times about you dressing up I’m a sexy nurse costume and help him with his “headache”

Y = Yearning

Oakley might just be obsessed wit you. And if it’s quite ironic for two reasons 1) of his song 2) he’s never been the obsessive type. Toxic yes but obsessive no. But for you however, he can’t seem to get enough of you. He’s always yearning for love and affection.

Z = ZZZ

Right after a long session one think Oakley’s gonna do is sleep. After all that energy he had he’s too tired to shower he’d rather stay him bed with the love of his life.

[itzsana-kiddingmenow]

𝙨𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙣 𝙙𝙖𝙮𝙨 𝙤𝙛 𝙡𝙚𝙚! 𝙝𝙖𝙣 — 𝙙𝙖𝙮 3: 𝙘𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙣:

𝖜𝖔𝖗𝖉𝖘: 1.2k

𝖑𝖊𝖊: han

𝖑𝖊𝖗: changbin and hyunjin

𝖆/𝖓: mah favorite for @hearted-anon

𝖙𝖜: pinning, no restraints, rough and soft tickles, angst cause mah wife likes it.

𝖙𝖆𝖌𝖑𝖎𝖘𝖙: @someone-who-loves-kpop-saranghae @jeonginsdiary��@leeknowstan33 @v--143 @wereallgonnadieonedaybutnottoday @inkytornpagess @lajanaa @a-wild-seungberry @channieissocute125 @soap143 @seungsluvv @skznccmlee @moony-9 @sunny-117

𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐟𝐢𝐜 𝐢𝐬 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐤𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠! 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐞? 𝐤𝐞𝐞𝐩 𝐬𝐜𝐫𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐛𝐮𝐛s 🐾

“Okay okay okay GUYS!! I HAVE A JOKE!!” Hannie called out happily, a wide smile gracing his pretty features. 

“Did it make you laugh? Let’s hear it.” Chan clapped his hands, smiling at the quokka, who’s energy levels were off the chart that day. 

“What do you call two spiders that just got married?” Jisung giggled, scrunching his fingers in delight. 

“I dunno, what do you call them?” Felix asked, an amused twinkle in his eye. 

“Newlywebs!!” Jisung laughed, happily bouncing up and down. Chan was laughing; more at him than anything. 

“That’s a cute joke, Ji.” Minho sighed, staring at his phone. “Yeah, it was nice.” Seungmin replied next to him; they seemed to be watching a stage they had done previously, searching for mistakes in their performance. 

Jisung deflated a little, but he kept happy. “Is it okay if I tell you another one?” 

“Okay, why not?” Hyunjin turned off the television, glancing sideways at the quokka. 

“How do you turn a soup to gold?” Jisung asked, and Changbin, who had been previously typing away at his laptop, took pity on the aspiring comedian, turning to watch with an expression of curiosity. 

“Add 24 carrots!” Hannie cheered, expecting to at least hear a few chuckles from the members, but no one had even thought to laugh, and Binnie’s previous curiousity turned to boredom, even if he didn’t show it and clapped anyway.  

Jisung smiled defeatedly, heart shattering inside of him as he was left standing, everyone returning to their previous work without so much as a comment. They might as well have made fun of him; it would’ve felt better than this. 

His eyes welled up with tears, his emotions were becoming too overwhelming. Chan and Changbin turned to look at him when he let out a small, heartbroken sniffle, eyes widening when they noticed their dear quokka running from the room, door ajar. 

“Oh, Hannie…” Hyunjin whispered, running after the crying boy, Changbin following suit. 

“Sungie?” Hyunjin called gently, knocking at the ace’s door with two knuckles. It opened and Jisung, who had clearly been crying his little heart out, opened it, a wide smile on his face. 

“Hi, H-Hyune…do you need anything?” Jisung asked, smiling as he wiped his face. 

“No, no…come here.” Hyunjin held his arms out, and Jisung gave in, rocketing into his chest and letting out a desperate sob. 

“No, Sungie…I’m sorry, baby.” Changbin frowned, walking around him and pulling both boys into his hug; Hannie sandwiched between the two.

“S’Okay, Hyung…” The ace responded, warmth and comfort filling his body as Changbin gently massaged down his arms from behind. 

It all disappeared when Binnie kneaded along Hannie’s sides, and he tensed before letting out a small “Ah!”, reaching behind him to grapple at Changbin’s fingers. 

“Ticklish?~” Hyunjin asked above him, and a horrified Jisung could practically feel the air around him turning mischievous, and he was suddenly picked up, turned over, and manhandled onto the bed. 

“Plehease nohoho!!” He giggled cutely in anticipation.  

“Look, Hyune, he’s already giggling for us. Get ready, Sung.” Changbin laughed. 

“Whyhy are you tickling meehe??” Jisung asked cutely, covering his hands with his face. 

“You know Sung, there are other ways to make a joke funny,” Changbin grinned. Hyunjin nodded along with him. “Grab him for me, will you, Hyunjin?”

Jisung squealed and tried to bounce off the bed, just to feel two hands on his waist, grabbing him and pinning him to the bed, arms outwards to the sides. 

“Wait…Wahait Binnie hyuhung please…” 

“You’re always begging but you never want it to stop, do you?” Changbin asked, Hyunjin settling on the ace’s waist comfortably. 

Jisung was speechless.  

“No response to that~? Okay let’s start then.” 

Hannie squeezed his eyes shut just as a finger began to trace along the shape of his kneecap, nails suddenly spreading out and in along both of them. The technique was more torturous than some of the worst wreckings Jisung had received. 

“AH-haaahahaha! Hyuuhunjin plehehease nohohot thihihiss!” The poor boy giggled hysterically, twisting at the light sensations only useful in driving him mad. 

Hyunjin moved to the spot right on his inner knees, using his nails to trace all fingers along it, watching Hanji’s legs tremble beneath his touch. 

Jisung shrieked when Hyune wrapped his hands around his knees, using his thumbs in the area and hearing the cutest laughter from a trapped quokka. 

The dancer only smiled until his face hurt. 

Changbin took note of it. “See how happy you make us?” He praised, deciding to help out by trailing his fingers along the ace’s stretched armpits.  

Poor Jisung was going crazy already, tears were welling up in his eyes and he was giggling like a madman. “Ahahaahaaa!! Stahahahap ahahalreheheady!!”

“Stop? Now why should we do that…that takes all the fun out of it!” Hyunjin teased. 

“But as per your sweet request, we shall stop…” Jisung sighed in relief at Changbin’s words. “…going easy on you.”

Jisung only registered the words when he felt a truly unbearable sensation along his vulnerable ribs, Binnie’s fingers traveling up and down as he played the younger like a piano. 

Hannie shrieked at the feeling, breaking into loud laughter as he twisted side to side, unable to escape as Changbin’s fingers followed him wherever he went. “AGHHAAHA OHO MY GOHOHOHOD!!” 

“You’re too cute, Jisungie~” Hyunjin cooed, wiggling his fingers tantalizingly. Jisung was breathless, but mustered up the strength to string together a few pleas to stop the dancer. 

“Hyuhuhune…HYUHUNJIN-AH PLEHEHEASE NOHOHOHOHO!!” He squealed when Hyune ignored his pleas, skittering up and down his thighs with no remorse. 

Jisung was messy with laughter, loud, unbroken cackles spilling out of him endlessly as a loud squeal or shrieks for mercy piled in between. 

“Okay, I have a joke, Hannie,” Changbin started. “Now let’s see if you find my jokes funny?”

Jisung screamed when Binnie moved to his waist, mercilessly drilling in. “Okay…” The older cleared his throat. “Why did the chicken cross the web?” 

Hyunjin gasped a faux gasp. “Why did the chicken cross the web?” 

“Why don’t we ask Jisung?” Changbin and Hyunjin both smiled down at the screaming Han beneath them, squirming crazily, laughing his head off and unable to form coherent words. 

“Awhh…Hyunjin look at him~”

“Our cute little comedian.” Hyune finished with a smile, watching poor Jisung pause his laughing to let out a flustered squeal. 

“I CAHAHAHAHAAN’T!! SOHOMEONE HEHEHEHELP!!” 

“Help? But we’re here! Don’t you wanna laugh together? How about you answer Bunny’s joke and then we’ll see about letting you go.”

“I DOHOHON’T KNOHOW!!”

“Okay, well, tell him the answer, and we’ll see if he can even remember it by the time I’m done with him.” Hyunjin threw the younger’s shirt up and pressed his lips to his side, blowing out and nibbling in an incredibly ticklish raspberry that had Jisung howling, flinging his head to the other side in desperation. 

“The chicken crossed the web to get to the other site!” Changbin cackled as Jisung wailed in the background, and the rapper let go of the poor boy’s arms, watching as Jisung shoved at Hyunjin’s head, cheeks red and wet as he pleaded at the top of his lungs. 

He finally managed to muster up the strength to yank the dancer’s head off. 

“Ohoho my gahahaha…” Jisung panted. Hyunjin unwrapped a red lollipop and handed it to the quokka, and Jiusng promptly latched onto the candy. 

“…Was my joke funny?”

“Reheheally, Binnie hyung?”

[blackdragoness]

PICK-A-CARD READING

IF YOU WERE A DRUG, WHAT DRUG WOULD YOU BE?

WHY DO PEOPLE BECOME “ADDICTED” TO YOUR ENERGY?

Do you give off ALCOHOLIC vibes, CRACKHEAD energy, OR STONER vibes?

**THIS IS PURELY FOR ENTERTAINMENT** I am not calling any of you addicts. Its just a game to have fun so just enjoy it for what it is: ENTERTAINMENT. I am not a professional and the advice given is based off my own personal experience with these addictions. I share what helped me free myself from these vices but I strongly recommend speaking with a professional that can help you better. Without further ado....

LESSSKOOOO

PICK A CARD:

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PILE 1: ACE OF HEARTS

If you chose pile 1, the vice that best describes your personality is:

***STONER***

**** DISCLAIMER: I am not insinuating that you smoke alot of pot, even if that's true haha. I am not your doctor, pastor, therapist, parent, sibling, boss, the police, your parole officer, NONE OF THAT. So I dont care what you do on your own time. I am not condoning those actions either but at the same time, it’s your life and you can do whatever you want with it.****

Regardless of your personal choices, this is what it says about your personality:

Laid-back, chill AF – almost too laid back it can sometimes be mistaken for laziness – but at the same time, a lot of you reading this probably are lazy and already know that. Its not a roast, I’m just affirming what you already know LOL. Big couch potato energy. Very laxed. As contradictory as it sounds, this is actually why people become addicted to your energy. There isn’t a lot of people who have the chill factor that you have and being around you is like a break from the hustle and bustle of life.

The cool kid – the IT Boy/Girl. Everything you do is effortless

Iconic – does your own thing & known for not following the crowd

You guys have a mind of your own!

Unbothered – it is very hard to ruffle your feathers or get a reaction out of you. It is both an admirable and irritable trait depending on who you’re talking to. If not, you may just react to things very slowly and may find yourself hot and bothered after the fact

Very easy going and easy to talk to – you can chop it up with almost all personalities because you are very relatable and relaxed.

CLASS CLOWN VIBES - you may not take things too seriously and can find humor in anything! You say some funny shit man, and you aren’t even trying to be funny.

EFFORTLESS COMEDIAN.

Very witty and intelligent

You can hold a conversation with a variety of people. Whether its small talk or deep intellectual conversations.

People remember you for the conversations that they have with you and the energy that you bring to the conversation. You may not even realize the effect your words or energy have on people but it lingers on their mind and energy long after you have gone away. All a person needs is one “hit” of your energy.

Might be apart of the “woke” culture or many people would describe you as being “woke”

May be labeled an overthinker, borderline paranoid but also a very critical thinker. You may think about things that most people don’t think about. It may shock others how much you know about a variety of topics  

Very grounded and rooted in whatever it is that you do.

Natural beauties and very natural bodies.

“LOVE CHILD”

Hippy vibes

You have a reputation for always being in a good mood and always being happy for no reason. Its very rare that you are in a bad mood. It doesn’t mean that you don’t have those days. You just know how to guard your emotions and only let a small number of trusted people see your vulnerable side.

Y’all are A VIBE. Periodt. Point. Blank.

You can vibe with a crowd AND you can vibe all on your own. You could be both introverted and extroverted depending on your mood. Sometimes you might be in a corner on your own doing your own thing, other times you’re mingling with a variety of different people. Just depends on your mood.

You probably have lots of conversations with your self all the time. People might think you’re a little weird for that but you might find it funny

Very unique and one of a kind

You might have your own distinct smell. Maybe you have a certain perfume/cologne that you use all the time that people know you for. OR maybe you just stink and smell like body odor. It can be either one of those two extremes LOL (Smokers LOVE the smell of weed, nonsmokers tend to strongly DESPISE the smell of weed so it goes both ways. Don’t shoot the messenger HAHA)

May have a love for music or be very musically inclined

Lyricist, journalist, writer/author - may be very good at articulating your thoughts and emotions but you may mumble or speak softly.

Every moment with you is a HIGH moment – by “high”, I mean when people see you, even if the interaction is short, its most often the HIGHlight of peoples day.

Everyones BUDdy

Wall FLOWER vibes

May be looked at as slightly ditzy

ADVICE:

Tap into your creativity more. This pile has the creative abilities, if improved and mastered, can be monetized on greatly.

Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there and to stand out.

If you struggle with overthinking, it means you aren’t taking enough action. Start moving and putting your amazing thoughts into action so you can manifest the life you dream about all the time. Mistakes are inevitable and part of the growing process so don’t be afraid to make mistakes or make a fool out of yourself. That’s how you learn. The longer you sit on your ideas, the easier it is for doubtful thoughts to creep in which in turn will stop you from taking any type of action. It is time to take action and slow down the voices in your head telling you that you aren’t enough.

Believe in yourself more and learn to love yourself for all your flaws. Your biggest critic and your biggest competition should always be yourself so build yourself up more. Quit the negative self talk. Critique yourself towards improvement but not to the point of giving up. You’re more than you give yourself credit for.

Be more comfortable speaking your mind in the moment instead of bottling everything up all the time. You only end up beating yourself up in the end and it slows down your progress.

If you are addicted to the drug, my advice is to take a break from it for a bit so you can start being active again in your own life. You don't have to quit cold turkey. Take it one day at a time but the wheels will start moving for you soon as you make that change. Too much of anything, even if it's good for you, can eventually start to work against you. But it's your life. If you can find that balance while still keeping it in your life, more power to ya! 😊

CHANNELED SONG:

MOVING ABOUT MY WAYS by Josh Wawa White

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PILE 2: ACE OF CLUBS

If you chose pile 2, the vice that best describes your personality is:

***ALCOHOLIC***

**** DISCLAIMER: I am not insinuating that you drink a lot of alcohol, even if that's true haha. I am not your doctor, pastor, therapist, parent, sibling, boss, the police, your parole officer, NONE OF THAT. So I don’t care what you do on your own time. I am not condoning those actions either but at the same time, it’s your life and you can do whatever you want with it.****

Regardless of your personal choices, this is what it says about your personality:

BIG GOOFBALL ENERGYYYY

Very energetic and MAFANA (pronounced “mah-fah-nah” meaning “heated” in the Tongan language). You might always be MAFANA and ready to do anything at any moment. Also you might literally be MAFANA in body temperature. Might have a warmer body temperature or may always be hot even in colder temperatures. May enjoy very hot showers as well.

Extremely physically attractive. Sexy and sultry type of aesthetic

Very seductive mannerisms and voice

Very spontaneous and slightly chaotic

You might speak in slang a lot – doesn’t matter the slang, but you have your own way of speaking

People would probably describe you as being very bold and confident. You aren’t afraid to say what’s on your mind and you don’t care who hears.

True to yourself

Very genuine and authentic in all your interactions

You’re probably sociable and outgoing

Extremely outgoing – very rarely are you ever alone. You always have a crowd of people surrounding you or with you.

You have your own unique sense of style and fashion taste. People know and recognize you for your fashion sense. It’s just very……YOU.

Brutally honest but honest nonetheless – people may avoid you because of how honest you can be. But people know when they really need an honest opinion, you are the first person to come to mind.

People may describe you as having multiple personalities. It can be both a good thing or a bad thing depending on who you are talking to. One things for sure, getting to know you is NEVER a bore.

Never a dull moment when you are around

LIFE OF THE PARTY

You are the person everyone hopes to see at an event or a party because they know it will be a fun time if you are around.

Very confident – ALPHA vibes – BOSS energy

You may be everyone’s “go-to” person when they need to vent or get things off their chest. Interacting with you is like a glass of wine at the end of a really rough day. If it was a really tough day, you’re more like 3 shots of Henney instead of wine, lets be honest.

You have a “numbing” effect on people – interacting with you is like nothing else matters but the present moment. You’re a very rare type of person

You are the person to impress! Every room you walk into and every person you interact with, you are the center of attention & people will do anything to get your attention praise, & validation.

Not only are you the person to impress, you are also a very impressive person. You impress through your looks, your skills, your intellect, etc – ALL AROUND impressive

You are very expressive, blunt, and outspoken. You say whatever is at the top of your mind and react to everything based off of your emotions in the moment.

May at times be very moody

Night owls

Kareoke King/Queen

Shameless

No one ever knows what to expect with you. You keep everyone on their toes

Maybe a bit clumsy and silly but thats why people love your energy. Its giving "overgrown child" vibes and its refreshing.

You help heal alot of peoples inner child just by being yourself. You bring that young vibe to any occasion.

ADVICE:

Take more time for yourself and away from the noise and the audience. I sense that you don’t enjoy being alone because that is when the dark thoughts creep in. Maybe you dislike feeling lonely. Get more comfortable with being on your own and in your own energy. Sort out those dark thoughts. Try to figure out where the darkness originated from and learn to heal it. It will improve your social interactions greatly.

Learn to enjoy silence. A lot of positive ideas, peace, and self discovery can be found in the silence.

Your greatest strength is your outspokenness. However, by remaining silent, you can avoid a lot of regret for yourself. You can also learn a lot about others simply by listening and remaining silent. Stay outspoken, but add silence into your personality every now and then to bring more balance to your character

SLOW DOWN - in all areas! Speak slower, walk slower, think slower, react slower, develop relationships slower, etc. You may start many things very quickly and burn out just as fast. Learn to pace yourself and develop your mental/physical stamina

If you are addicted to the alcohol, my advice would be to find a healthier hobby to substitute that vice. Exercise helps with regulating your emotions as well as a healthy eating plan. Get more sleep and start journaling. Having an outlet to really pour out your emotions will keep you from pouring another cup. Take it one day at a time, but the wheels will start rolling for you once you make that change. But it's your life, do as you please! If you can find that balance in your life, more power to ya!

CHANNELED SONGS: ALCOHOLIC by COMMON KINGS

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PILE 3: ACE OF DIAMONDS

If you chose pile 1, the vice that best describes your personality is:

***CRACKHEAD***

**** DISCLAIMER: I am not insinuating that you’re a meth/coke head, even if that's true haha. I am not your doctor, pastor, therapist, parent, sibling, boss, the police, your parole officer, NONE OF THAT. So I dont care what you do on your own time. I am not condoning those actions either but its your life and you can do whatever you want with it.****

Regardless of your personal choices, this is what it says about your personality:

The most energetic of all the piles

CEO/Supervisor energy

Very focused and determined to accomplish anything you set your mind to. You are willing to start things over as many times as you need until you get it right.

You may have an addictive personality but also others may find your personality very addicting as well. Once someone has tasted your energy, its very hard to shake you.

People may become very obsessed with you. You circle peoples minds multiple times a day. They just cant figure you out. You may also be very obsessive and possessive yourself.

FOCUSED. FOCUSED. FOCUSED, Extremely focused individuals. Your focus is probably your most admirable trait.

As focused as you are, you are also probably a very great multitasker

Entrepreneurs or entrepreneurs in the making. You may be very business minded

You are usually always 10 steps ahead of the game. You see all sides and make very calculated moves based off of your observations.

Very observant individuals. You probably notice and remember the tiniest details about people and you know how to make people feel really special in every interaction with you. People don’t expect you to remember certain things they’ve mentioned or worn, but when you bring it up to them long after the fact, you really make people feel SEEN & HEARD. This makes you more trustworthy in their eyes.

May be accused of being narcissistic but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. You may have been a victim to narcissistic abuse in the past so you’ve learned the ins and outs of all the mind games being played. So when someone uses a mind game on you, you flip it back on them and then they have the audacity to call YOU the narcissist. It has become your tool for self defense but also agitates those on the receiving end of your narcissism. To put it into perspective, most super heros and world leaders are narcissistic because they need to be. If not, they would get chewed up and spit out by the world and wouldn’t last a day in their position. If they wanna call you a narcissist because you refuse to adopt their mindset or their perspective, then so be it! Accept the title and keep it pushing. Remain true to yourself.

Very self-reliant and reliable. You conquer every task and assignment thrown at you and you do an amazing job at it in a very time efficient manner. People may try to discredit you or say you couldn’t have done it all by yourself but the proof is in the pudding darling. In reality, these folks are just projecting their own insecurities on to you because we all know, if they were in your position, there is no way they could have done that on their own. No one can deny your workmanship because you prove it time and time again.

Lone wolf vibes. You may not have many friends or you may not be open to inviting new people into your circle. “NO NEW FRIENDS” vibes

You probably have a sturdy set of friends and you’ve known them for a long time.

Very secretive and private. You may enjoy your privacy and may tend to keep a lot of your life hidden from the public eye.

Very protective of your energy and your space.

May have a lot of people who constantly have an opinion on your life. You do a great job at blocking them and their noise out of the way and continuing to push along.

STRONG STAMINA – yall can last for a lonnnngggg time (however you interpret that LOL)

Great debater – if someone wants to come at you sideways, they better come prepared with their arguments because going against you isn’t easy. You know yourself, you know your facts and you know what happened. Barely nothing gets past you.

Out of all the piles, this pile has the most haters. I don’t know why and neither do you. You must be someone of significance to have this many haters. You represent PRESSURE and people feel that energy as soon as you walk into the room. This is a compliment for you but a threat to your haters. No one wants to feel pressured to improve. You don’t try to apply pressure. You just ARE pressure.

You cant be tamed. Very hard to lock down and hard to pin down.

Unbeatable

Invincible

Immunity

Misjudged and misunderstood but never stops remaining true to yourself. Let the haters do their thing but keep doing you booboo.

Diamond in the rough

Might wear a lot of jewelry or you should wear more jewelry but this is something people notice about you. Maybe you have tons of jewelry or you have a piece of jewelry that people remember you for. If not, I suggest wearing more jewelry because it looks great on you.

ADVICE

Learn to handle the pressure that comes your way. You attract what you put out there and unfortunately, this is one of those things that is out of your control. People feel pressured when you are around therefore, you may feel as though pressure is constantly being applied to you. Don’t sweat it. These experiences are to show you how strong your character truly is but you must remain true to who you are if you want it to work in your favor.

Its okay to be more open and available to others. You can still maintain your strong boundaries but you don’t have to shut the entire world out. Remain open!

Keeping an open mind may also be helpful for you. Not everything will play out the way you envisioned it in your brain so keep an open mind so you can solve your problems as they arise.

Take some time to relax. You give off very strong workaholic vibes and sometimes you can overwork yourself to exhaustion. Give your body the rest it needs through sleep. Remember to eat throughout the day and fill your body up with the nutrients it needs to keep you going and alert for your various tasks. Go outside and enjoy the outdoors. Take time to care for yourself.

 Learn to lighten up a little. Your laser focus can sometimes make you too serious to be around. Laugh a little. Smile more. Let loose. Enjoy the life in front of you. Balance out your work and play and you’ll find your life is more enjoyable that way.

If you are addicted to the drug, my advice would be to invest in yourself more. You won't have the money to spend on drugs if you throw your money into something that will benefit you more in the long run. Take a class to build on a skill you already have, sign up for a committee, give yourself responsibility and bring purpose back into your life. But start small. Learn to depend on yourself and hold yourself up before trying to overextend yourself for others. Too much responsibility is probably what got you to this point or maybe it was the lack thereof. Whatever the case be, you need to love on yourself more & know that you are more than enough. The wheels will start moving for you once you make that change and the clarity that follows will bring you immense joy.

CHANNELED SONG: WINNAH WINNAH by RIA ft SPAWNBREEZIE

[andhumanslovedstories]

I don’t know why it just occurred to me that a bunch of the people who joke “a second [x] has hit the towers” were not alive when 9/11 happened. Like to me that’s a transformative pivot point of my life, a before and after. And to some of you guys, it’s like. History. It’s a thing that happened to other people before you were born.

It's not that I think people shouldn't make 9/11 jokes. I don’t think that, also I'm not in charge of jokes on the internet from everyone in the world, and also some are very funny. Like with most things in the Venn diagram of tasteless and funny, the jokes in the overlap: 1) are pure art, and 2) vary wildly from person to person. But for some reason, I suddenly understood the passage of time and what September 11th being 22 years ago means, and I was like “oh. huh. HUH.” Because now jokes about 9/11 coming from someone with no memory of 9/11, who maybe wasn't even born yet? That is so weird to me. what do you mean you don't remember 9/11. what do you mean you're 19. when I was 19, I remembered 9/11.

I grew up in Bush's America, and Bush's America taught us there were only three eras in history: everything that led up to 9/11, the day of 9/11, and everything that happened because of 9/11. That's the land I'm from, that's how we were brought up back there. If you could study history like a map, then some dates would get to be the capital city. In a territory of a thousand different towns, here’s the town with the star next to its name. If you're zoomed out far enough, the only town with a name at all. It's the mandatory detail, the guaranteed example.

It’s really weird to suddenly feel moored in history, to feel yourself becoming a primary document in some future generation's history essay. I felt a magical chronal mindlink with some middle-aged New York ad man in 1965 listening to teens talk about Pearl Harbor. I felt exactly my age and exactly my nationality. I felt like a time capsule. I felt like my mother that time I asked her what it was like growing up in the 1960s, and she told me about the assassination of Martin Luther King Jr.

Anyway, comedy shows kept playing in New York City. I read an article once about one of the shows, a couple weeks after or a week after or maybe a day after, maybe it was September 12. When the comedian inevitably made a joke about the events of about that bad thing that had happened last Tuesday, the crowd reacted. But I don't remember how, and it's very frustrating that I can't find the article, because I remember that the crowd booed, but I cannot remember if they then laughed. Maybe it was a really good joke.

[21wanderer]

The parody

His name was Johnny Zest, born John Landgraab, but that wasn’t a name he used anymore. His family disowned him years ago after he skipped out of school. Johnny wasn’t academical, at all, he was the class clown, and boy did he make them laugh.

Johnny was funny, and he was good at it, so he wanted to work on that instead. He wanted to be a comedian. And that is what he eventually became, much to his family’s disapproval. Not anything big, but enough to make ends meet, and usually just at the local comedy club. One thing he was particularly good at was parodies. Given a little time, he could change his voice quite convincingly. People were amazed with his parodies. He nailed it, they told him.

After a show one evening, a guy approached him by the scene after his performance, as the next set was being set up.

“Great show, dude” he said with a big smile. Johnny thanked him for the compliment.

“Do you think you could make yourself sound like me?” the guy asked. “Well, I’ll need a little time to see how your face moves when you speak, and of course get to know your voice…” Johnny began to explain, but he was cut off before he could elaborate further.

“Heh, it would be great, if you could. I could put you on my channel, you'd get tons of attention." The guy kept talking, but Johnny was beginning to zone out.

Then it dawned on Johnny, who this guy was… He had to be some sort of influencer.

Johnny didn’t recognize him, the guy probably wouldn’t like the fact, that Johnny had no idea who he was. And this guy seemed to be the kind of person, who wanted to be recognized.

So Johnny just played along, after all, acting was what he was good at.

"Hey, let’s take a selfie together, I’ll post on my channel. Then maybe you can get me some free tickets for your next show. Then you can show your impression of me." It wasn't until the guy had taken his selfie and shown the uploaded result to him, that he actual figured out his name: Jackson Ready.

His meeting with Jackson had made him realize something, he wasn’t just good at parodies, he was great at it… Maybe it was time to put it to use…

He began studying Jackson’s posts intricately, trying to absorb as much knowledge about him as possible. Learning all about his hobbies, interests, and most importantly; his behaviour. He had to admit that Jackson was pretty generic, nothing really set him apart. He just filmed other people doing stuff, and then made it all about himself. Johnny couldn’t see any justification in this guy’s popularity, but he wasn’t going to complain, after all he was planning on using it.

He practiced extensively Jackson’s voice and behaviour. He also spent hours on makeup to make himself look just Jackson; they were quite similar, which made it easy, and Johnny wanted to be sure, that he nailed it. In the following weeks, he did everything to try and become just like Jackson, and he was getting more and more accustomed to it.

Thanks to a shady individual from Strangetown, Johnny had come into possession of the device, that was going to subdue Jackson and take him out of the picture. With that he was now all set to put his plan into motion. His last show on stage. The prelude to his greatest performance yet.

He sent a message to Jackson, of course with a free ticket attached, as well as asking him to meet him backstage after his performance.

Johnny managed to get through the show. Jackson was sitting front row… and Johnny had kept a good eye on him, this was going to be wild.

“Hey, dude, you were great tonight - freaking hilarious.”

“Thanks,” Johnny said, his pulse was rising, he knew his window of opportunity was small, and it will appear in just a moment. “So did you think you could make an impression of me?” “Yes, I have been practicing quite a bit.” Johnny said as he led Jackson to the backstage room. “Cool, we can do a couple of short recordings, then I can post in on my channel.” “Excellent, dude!” Johnny said imitating Jackson’s voice. Jackson was visibly surprised. “Woah! You sound just like me, but wait till I have started recording.”

“Oh okay…” Johnny said with his regular voice. Having hid a little tube device in his hand, Johnny anticipated the moment. Jackson was way to occupied looking at his phone screen, seemingly trying to get a good angle as well as light. But his inattention was just, what Johnny had waited for.

Johnny injected the tube into Jackson’s neck, Jackson yelped almost inaudibly, before he dropped his phone and collapsed on the floor.

Not wasting any time, Johnny quickly pulled off Jackson’s boots, socks, suit, watch, cap and underwear, stripping him completely naked. Jackson had a nice body, Johnny already knew that obviously, but seeing it in real life was something definitely more satisfying.

He went over to the mirror table pulling off his fake soul patch, without it his chin was as smoothly shaved as Jackson’s. He then grabbed the wig and quickly put it on. It looked pretty convincing, but Johnny was intending to dye his hair as soon as possible, so he wouldn’t have to rely on the wig. He put in the contact lenses, he knew Jackson used them too, so nobody would notice. Then he began to apply the makeup, he had prepared in advance. He knew exactly what to do to make the disguise flawless. He admired the result in the mirror, his Jackson face was spot on.

He began to undress and threw all his old clothes into his “prop box”, there were actually no props inside the box, the box itself was the prop, but as long as everybody thought it was filled with props Johnny could carry out his plan with little worry.

He stuffed all his old clothes into the box, then dragged it over to the unconscious Jackson.

He lifted him with surprisingly little effort, he wasn’t exactly sure, what that injection had done to him, but he quickly folded Jackson in half and placed him in box, then he shut it.

He then looked at the pile of clothes, that was all that remained of Jackson. He put on Jackson’s damp boxers, keeping his arousal in place. Then the t-shirt and socks, also damp, Johnny enjoyed how they smelled strongly of Jackson, he could get used to that scent.

Then he grabbed the weird suit Jackson had worn, Johnny wasn’t exactly sure, what kind of motor sport you’d wear it for… if any. But Jackson didn’t do motor sports, Johnny knew that much. Nevertheless he thoroughly enjoyed slipping into the suit, it was warm and slick on the inside, it creaked softly as it covered his body. His hand slid down the inside of Jackson's suit, he pulled a couple of times, his arousal was growing. He needed to remain focused, time was of the essence. He wiped his hand off on the leg of the suit. There would be plenty of time for that later. He had to complete his transformation. He slipped on Jackson’s boots, they fitted perfectly. He slipped on his watch and finally he placed the cap on his head… backwards, just like Jackson had worn it.

He now looked just like Jackson did as he entered the backroom just a few minutes ago, nobody would be able to tell the difference, he looked at himself in the mirror, it was breathtaking.

He placed the box on its wheels and quickly left unseen via the back door. He retrieved Jackson’s car key from the inner pocket of the suit. He unlocked Jackson’s car and stuffed the box in the trunk.

The perfect act, from the world’s greatest parodist.

[cookie-nom-nom]

How to Kidnap Bruce Wayne in 6 Easy Steps

The Batfam decided to have a nice evening together. They had it all planned out. The Joker was JUST put into Arkam, Harley and Poison Ivy were having a date night, and they sent the Riddler a 5k puzzle piece, so they should have a few hours. Hopefully.

But then entered...the comedian. Not a knockoff Joker, mind, an actual comedian serving as the entertainment for the night. The kids were running a bet on the odds of Bruce laughing. Not actual laughter, naturally, but how many fake laughs Bruce would decide to manufacture. Dick maintained it would be 8 times at most, despite what the others thought.

And then a PowerPoint presentation started, with the words Bruce Wayne emblazoned behind the comedian. "Brucie Brucie Wayne. Local philanthropist, runner of jobs and charities and orphanages. Gotham's number one eligible bachelor if and only if you like kids. But Ladies and Gentlemen and Folks, I'm here to tell you otherwise. Because this right here? It's alllll a mask. I know the real Bruce Wayne, and I have the proof to reveal his secret identity."

Bruce was very carefully keeping his eyes on the performer, refusing to acknowledge the eyes latching onto him, or the occasional covert elbows.

The comedian dramatically flourished the remote and changed the slide. A stock photo of a man littering had Bruce's face crudely photoshopped over it popped up. "See! A menace to society! And I have an extremely reliable witness who swears that the recycling bin was three feet away. Tsk. Some people just want to watch the world burn. Which maybe I'd be okay with since we Matched on Tinder, and yet not a single spark despite how much chemistry we'd have!" A wall of unanswered Tinder messages of bad pick-up lines and far, far too many winky faces filled the screen, all sent to a profile claiming to be 'Bruce Waine'. "This MONSTER left me on read! Can you believe it? Ghosted. And that definitely isn't on me, because my Mom says I can make anyone swoon. Who do you trust between the two? Wayne? Some millionaire who could never relate to your everyday experience?" The slide flipped between Bruce suavely dealing with paparazzi and a sweet older woman. "Or Mom, who can make wonderful potlucks, whereas we all know the Wayne Manor has nearly burned down on three separate occasions thanks to Brucie trying to use a toaster!" Technically all villain attacks, but the public needn't know that.

The Wikipedia page's list of philanthropic acts and charities sponsored by Bruce Wayne scrawled across the screen, the comedian gesticulating wildly. "All this?? PROPAGANDA! This is what he WANTS you to think! When in reality, he's a two-faced, duplicitous, littering, puppy-kicking monster who REFUSES to answER MY TEXTS, IT'S NOT HARD! I'M FUNNY AND HOT AND--!" The comedian paused in frothing at the mouth, as if suddenly realizing the audience was there. They straightened, pointedly adjusting their collar. "We all know the true darkness that lies behind his friendly, ditzy, sexy façade. And so our goal is simple: we are going to kidnap this menace for the wellbeing of Gotham (and my love life)."

Step 1: Become an orphan.

"Alright, the first step of Plan 1 is simple. Now that you're an orphan..." the slide changed with a silly transition animation.

Step 2: Irreversible and extensive surgery.

"Now this step is a bit expensive but-" they feigned a surprised face at the protests in the audience. Planted, no doubt. "I'm sorry, what's the hold-up? We don't have all night! This is literally the first step and you already have questions?" The comedian gestured wildly in the direction of the Batfam. Bruce narrowly avoided recognition thanks to his fondness for sitting menacingly in the shadowy corner of the room. "Seriously! There're KIDS in the audience! They're far too young to know how easy it is to get tragically orphaned at a young age and left with no stability and an empty hole in your life to be filled with grief, rage, and fear!

"Sheesh. Some people have no consideration for the faint of heart. Think of the children! Literally, think of the children you will be infiltrating." A flick of the remote and Step 3: Infiltrate an orphanage popped up. "We all know the easiest way into the Wayne household is adoption. Now that you've gotten extensive surgery to appear like a child, the hard part begins.

"Little is known about the entity known as children. I have put together research to aid in your mission. You need to know how to walk, how to dress, how to speak. Do you know what rizz is? Can you dab on command? One mistake and you're dead. You can fool the hearts of men, but children will rip a poor performance to shreds. I should know, I was bullied severely on the playground every time I tried to bring up the question of what the deal with airplane food is..."

The comedian went on, detailing the absurd plan to trick Bruce Wayne into adopting them. It hinged entirely on the fact he was a well-known moron. The Batkids found great glee in piling on the jabs as the comedy bit went on. Step 4: Marketability analyzed the various personalities and attributes of the Batkids to extrapolate how to lure Bruce into adopting the infiltrator, highlighting key traits like 'small' 'looks like a drowned cat' and 'a glare that is really terrifying for a baby to have'. Bruce found that portion almost tolerable, given some of the kids turned upon one another in something akin to a feeding frenzy. But it wasn't long before the full brunt of their teasing returned upon him as Plan 1 concluded with Step 5: Buying rope and duck tape while not looking suspicious and Step 6: Using flower language to apologize (for the abduction).

"...Alright. So, maybe you don't have the funds to shorten the length of your leg bones. Or maybe you don't have black hair and blue eyes. I get it, re-dyeing is messy. If Plan 1 is infeasible for your budget or lifestyle, then I've kindly considered a second revenue of attack."

A massive picture of Batman filled the screen. The crowd descended into mayhem. "Oh don't tell me the entire audience believes the butts match! We're conspiracy theorists here, but I thought you had STANDARDS!" It was possible Bruce's face was going to freeze in that perpetual rictus. Dick waved a hand in front of him, not sure when he last blinked. "Come on people! They're clearly different people. Which is why I'm going to recruit Killer Moth to do a little crime. All the funds that would've gone to child surgery can now be injected directly into the criminal underworld. It's basically the same thing our taxes do but faster! I've thought this through. Killer Moth will do anything for a price and you won't like actually be in danger. I mean, can you imagine dying to some D-tier villain? Cringe. Anyway, this is your 'in' with Batman. He saves you and it's all very heroic. And then you start chatting, maybe get his number; it's going great. It's been a few months of him rescuing you over and over again, and hopefully you haven't died or whatever. At that point you bring up Bruce Wayne. I mean he's getting kidnapped all the time! It has to be incredibly inconvenient for Batman, and he deserves a break for all his hard work. So the next step of this plan is to convince Batman to kidnap Bruce Wayne..."

.....................................................

The comedian paced backstage during intermission, rehearsing the next segment. It seemed to be going well, a good-sized audience. There was one group in the back that was particularly uproarious, save for one adult in the center. But then, the comedian was suddenly surrounded by children who seemingly melted out of the shadows. "I don't think you are supposed to be back here. Are you lost? Do you need help finding your parents? ....wait, shouldn't there have been guards...?"

"Didn't see any," Tim shrugged. Hard to, when they were strung thirty feet up in the rafters of the auditorium. "Anyway, we've just been adoring your act. Our Dad? Not so much, though."

"Eh, can't please them all. Some people just put celebrities on the craziest of pedestals."

"More like he's listening to someone ramble about trying to kidnap him." Beneath a mask a mile thick, Dad was writhing in mortification.

The way the stages of grief so clearly filtered through the comedian's face was fascinating to watch. "..........Bruce Wayne is in the audience?" they asked weakly. "Like. Right now? Watching? Waiting to ambush me with lawyers?"

"Dad's in the bathroom." Batman was desperately out on patrol to avoid his family's heckling.

"Actually, I don't think he's caught on that you're talking about him yet." Jason grinned evilly.

"Man, I heard he was a bimbo but I didn't know it was that severe. My condolences, truly. Thank god the second half of the interview is about trying to plan a dinner date that doesn't get ruined by supervillains. I do NOT need him coming after me for slander. Uh. You aren't offended, right...?" They could not afford any type of lawsuit. Or controversy. The comedian stuck to petty Twitter bait, not actual problems.

The hoard of children beamed. Suddenly, the comedian realized the exits were cut off. A teen's arm looped around theirs, another surprisingly firm grip across their shoulders. "Nah. Actually, we had some suggestions. How'd you like to do a live interview...?"

.....................................................

"Alright folks, you're never going to believe this, but during the intermission I was cornered by children. It was terrible, I was having flashbacks to second grade..." an artistic shudder. "But thankfully, these ones just wanted to harass me after listening to me ramble about trying to seduce and/or kidnap their dad for the last half hour. Can we get a big welcome for the Wayne kids! I'd introduce them but they all look identical to me!" A fantastic roar of applause at the sudden special guest segment. "Luckily, these kids have graciously elected to let me interview them so that I have better data to act on when trying to kidnap their dad. And is he in the audience still...?"

"Nope! Still in the bathroom. Has been for thirty one minutes."

"Either he needs to see a doctor or he's locked himself in again. How often does that happen?"

"At least twice a month," Jason grinned. It wasn't an infrequent excuse to explain disappearances.

"One wonders how he survives. I like that in a man. Now, quick question. Which of you is the cutest?"

"Damian!" the hoard chorused. The youngest one snarled at once, rounding upon the others. The comedian scrambled away in what was unfortunately not a particularly exaggerated fashion. There was pure murder in the twerp's eyes.

Luckily, three brothers restraining him appeared to be enough. "Don't worry he has his rabies shot yearly," one smirked.

With cautious steps, the comedian approached where Damian was being dangled like a baby kitten. A few moments of examination, and they delivered the verdict that Damian was, in fact, a precious baby boy. The child hissed nastily. "Look at his beautiful eyes! Adorable. You could just get lost in them. Which is why I plan to print out approximately 30k pictures of this child and plaster Bruce's entire room with them. He'd never be able to leave, absorbed in his adorable adoptee."

"I'm his only biological offspring!" Damian snapped, literally. Dick had to jerk out of the way to avoid losing his fingers to the chomping child. "And that would never work!"

"Really? Doesn't he keep little picture rolls of you and corner near strangers into cooing over them?" The comedian is passed Bruce's wallet by Stephanie. "Wait, how'd you get this?"

"I took it from Dick, who stole it from Jason who stole it from Tim, who took it to reprimand Damian for stealing it from Dad."

"Wow, he is not observant in the slightest! I feel even better about my odds now. Oh, would you look at that, countless pictures..." They pulled out a roll. And then kept pulling, and kept pulling, the camera roll beginning to puddle at their feet. It was almost like a clown's handkerchief, save the fact the string of photos was sturdy enough to be used as a rope if needed. More than one of Gotham's rogues had been captured under the guise of Bruce rambling about his children.

"How much can he fit in one wallet?!" Something metallic clanged to the floor of the stage, and the comedian held up a pair of expanding handcuffs for the audience to gawk at. "Well well well, looks like I have excellent taste in men. Wait, there's also some pepper spray. When in Gotham, I suppose. Wow that's a concerning number of pocket knives...and approximately 2k in 100 dollar bills-- well isn't this scarily similar to the list of supplies I recommended in step 5! What, did he just hold someone ransom? Wait. Oh my god, that's how he made all his money. It's guilt that makes him a philanthropist! And all this time we thought he was perpetually haunted by his dead parents! WAIT." The comedian let the crowd howl, periodically interjecting as they paced the stage with grandiose graveness. "I have had an epiphany!" The laughter finally petered out, the comedian allowing the silence to linger. "Guys," they said, deadly serious. "If he made his millions kidnapping people, and I kidnap him....does that make ME Bruce Wayne???"

Batman had to dodge jokes from his kids for weeks afterward.

[stomach-bugg09]

Ever since fali met the readers parents I was wondering what his fa would be like and how they would interact with the reader I was wondering if you could please make a little stable of that? ps love ur work💗:)

fali's family

okay !! so , this is a wonderful question. fali is an only child , his two parents ( vi'ieo + fpai ) decided that one child - especially one like fali - was more than enough.

he obviously grew up as the practical older brother of tsireya and ao'nung thanks to their mothers being close childhood friends

thanks to his upbringing as the only child of two highly respected warriors , he was expected to become just as good of warriors as they were

and he was , if not better. he was one of the youngest to become an official warrior because of his skills.

his parents are so extremely proud to call him their son , but they recognize they put quite a bit of pressure on him growing up ( something he can relate with [y/n] about )

he loves his parents , and they have a very comfortable and healthy relationship

his dad loves making fun of his son , and he totally grew up as a mama's boy

the one time they had a really big dispute was right before the sullys arrived and they talked to him about finding a mate sometime soon

he was just really upset because he wasn't ready to settle down and find a girl , especially not a girl that he was set up with through his parents

that all changed when [y/n] came though

they still tried , but he was even more stubborn so they gave up

when he introduced [y/n] to his parents they were like "ohhh..."

it all made sense now !!

and , by the way , they adored her

like adored

his mom loved her because she was a strong independent young woman

his dad liked her because she was funny and very polite ( she also made good food )

they quickly became very good friends with [y/n] and it got to a point where fali had to be like , "mom, dad, stop trying to steal my girl."

[y/n] thought it was hilarious , fali did not

overall , they love her , she loves them , it's adorable

they also love that she makes their son happy because... he definitely needs someone other than himself to entertain him ( he thinks he's a comedian )

[canonicallyobserving911]

Did it occur to you LFJ might just be tired, or not part of the specific joke or conversation that was happening? It seems kinda weird to try to analyze it and make wild speculation about people’s motives or friendships based on a couple short videos.

@dubiousculturalartifact Is that you, LFJr.? 😅

If it's you, then you can explain how you felt that day and tell everyone how joining in the fun would have been too devastating for you. Otherwise, if you're not and you're one of his rando stans then it's really funny how you're upset over something as simple as HIS demeanor in three seperate BTS videos because the evidence is right there. No one can deny he wasn't happy but earlier in the season he was happy and joking around with Kenny. So let's get this straight... you're upset because he sat there like a statue and he wouldn't interact with Kenny, Oliver and Ryan during filming of the final episodes. Did I get it right? 🤣😂

[My original post.]

It seems like you're hurting for him or something since you're acting like someone stating the obvious about his actions in three different BTS videos was too much for you to handle. GTFOH with that BS please because he's the one who sat there like he couldn't be bothered to interact with the main characters when he's the one playing a PLOT DEVICE CHARACTER.

Have you considered he was acting unusually sad since he couldn't charge any of his stans (it wouldn't be a surprise if you're one of the ones who freely gave him your money) $145 to appear on "Cameo" so he can LIE and make up another ridiculous headcanon about how T*mmy was all deep in thought and preparing for the scene where he literally had one line that was negative and uncaring towards Buck? It costs nothing for anyone to smile and participate with people they claim to enjoy working with especially when he's out here begging his stans to help him become a main character. It's not a good look for him when those who were around him were having a good time and he just sat there staring into oblivion.

Furthermore, there wasn't any wild speculation included in my post so you should go back and reread it for reading comprehension purposes since it seems like that's a skill set you're lacking. So, you should brush up on it and learn how to comprehend a post before you come into my inbox or anyone else's stating he may have had a bad day. You weren't there and neither was I, therefore no one but him and those who were present that day know what happened so get off your LFJr. defense squad spiral and reread what I posted.

I stated it was interesting how he wasn't joking around like he had been earlier in the season and how he looked like he would rather be somewhere else. NOT ONCE DID I SAY ANYTHING NEGATIVE! That was you projecting onto him because the evidence proved he wasn't acting the same way when he thought his role could be extended into something more than what it was originally intended.

It's so funny how all of you LFJr. defenders get yourselves tied all up in knots when a simple aspect of the way someone acted is pointed out. I'll be so glad when he's gone off the show and hopefully, you and all his other stans can move on.

FYI, the quote below is what I included in my original post word for word so before you go into someone else's inbox trying to defend him, maybe you should try reading what the OP included again because the evidence speaks for itself and you're the one who looks and sounds ridiculous.

"It's unclear why he's changed from joking to not joking but Kenny likes to have fun, he's the comedian of the group so it's just interesting to see LFJ be anti-social all of a sudden."

Oh and for clarification purposes, the word "unclear" is defined as "uncertain about something" which is NOT NEGATIVE.

Have a nice day LFJr.! Oops I mean LFJr. stan.