#if i wasnt so fucked up mentally from trauma and i didnt take so many breaks id be done by now im dumb

[unfunnyaceartist]

Vent post ahead that may change your view on me and that may sound dramatic (NOT DIRECTED AT ANYONE, THIS IS JUST IN GENERAL) Mostly just to get out my feelings. I only ask that if you look, to be kind and understanding and patient. Also the tags are silly and id appreciate if you read em. id appreciate if you didnt ask me anything on it

I feel toxic sometimes because i can get so jealous i borderline gatekeep things and I always feel so bad because its never intentional but then I end up hating myself because I know its unhealthy and irrational but I cant help it, and I know im so lucky and have a lot in many senses of the word, but at times it feels like they can be taking everything, because when I like someone or something, they tend to matter a fuck-ton to me. Im sorry to anyone ive lashed out at a bit for them wanting what I have, I really am. Its not coming from a place of hostility, rather a place of trauma responses and hyperfixation that stem from my adhd and autism but like when I try something and it goes great, and then someone else is like "OOH thats awesome I wanna do that too" It feels almost like when Im finally happy or excited or proud to have something, someone comes and takes it. Usually Ill play it off as a joke, but in reality, its complete honesty that im trying to soften so I dont upset anyone, especially when its over fiction or a person, because I do NOT own them and I know that, but it bothers me when someone swoops in to do the exact same things or even one-up especially when its really soon after me, and since my self worth is already abysmal, it just makes me feel worse, like I should be lucky to have what I do to begin with, but I feel the need to hold it close to me and protect it so I dont lose things that make me really happy.

Recently Ive even started reverse gatekeeping in response to others, where ill just tell myself I cant or dont deserve to have anything special because I'm not, and only others can enjoy this. But thats why people making me ship content makes me so happy. Its dumb to get jealous over others selfshipping with a character I like. Its dumb to get upset over someone I know copying or taking heavy inspiration from one of my ideas. Its dumb to get possessive over someone else trying to befriend my new awesome friends or wife/wives. I rarely selfship anymore due to my reverse gatekeeping and instead serve the others who simp or enjoy content. I provide since I feel I cant take. It makes me happy and distracts me. But the moment someone else does something similar to what is my toxic coping mechanism for my toxic coping mechanism, it only hurts worse. Thats why sometimes, for example, I get a bit snappy when someone else provides gummybunny (that and also shipping jealousy sometimes). Thats why I get snappy when I make a friend someone else super cool and then another person comes in and wants to befriend them (No darken, this wasnt directed at you, its happened more than once with more than one person but I know how you tend to assume). I LOVE giving but I hate sharing, because all my life whenever I shared, I lost something.

Introduce a friend to a friend? They leave me behind for eachother. Let someone wear my fitbit because they wanted to feel "rich"? It got stolen. Give money to someone in a "rough spot" who promised to repay me somehow? Never saw them again. I was always so trusting and understanding, and I always made excuses for others. Always so naive and gullible. So much so, in fact, that in elementary I kept letting my bullies pretend to be my friends when they claimed they changed, and let them destroy any ounce of worth I had whatsoever. Things that make me happy I CHERISH because of all the things ive lost and all my experiences. Ive never been hit, not once, but the abuse all my life came emotionally and mentally, and I only recently realized through therapy. Now its hard to trust people in certain situations. Sorry for my probably hard to follow and melodramatic rant.

sorry im dumb haha

[catraven]

vent/rant thingy abt psychwards

im going to go to a psychward agaim (not rlly forced but its not like i have an actual choice)

while this one is way better than the last one (my country has basically three types: closed open and only the day and im going to a day one) it still pains me. psychwards just have a really bad vibe to me.

and i was one of the lucky ones. i didnt get restrained, only sedated once

my heart goes out to the 11yo who was lovked in a padded cell for almost her entire stay except eating times

my heart goes out to the 14yo system who got forced to live with their abuser again by the psych ward staff because “well its your parent”

my heart goes out to the 13yo who got PTSD due to the stay

my heart goes out to the 8yo who will probably spent their entire life in this facility.

my heart goes out to the person who was thrown out while being incredibly unstable because they were too difficult for the ward

my heart goes out to the person who wanted to get out and wasnt allowed

my heart goes out to the person who got death threats by the staff

my heart goes to the person who saw no choice other than running away from the ward 

my heart goes to every single kid in that facility

my heart goes out to the staff who genuinely wanted to help but couldnt due to the way things worked there 

my heart goes to the 12yo who stayed in the closed ward for months because they had mutism and couldnt explain themselves easily

my heart goes out to the person going through recovery from alcohol about whom the staff said they’re disgusting because they threw up a lot 

my heart goes to the person recovering from a heroin addiction who wasnt taken seriously because they seemed normal 

my heart goes to the people with eating disorders who got negative comments about their body and calorie intake by the staff

my heart goes to every drug addict who constantly gets blamed for their “choices"

my heart goes out to the trans person who got outed to their transphobic parents by the staff

my heart goes out to every trans person that got deadnamed and misgendered constantly 

my heart goes out to the person with schizophrenia who was treated shittily even by other patients

my heart goes out to the transgirl that was sa’d and one staff member said men cant be sa’d so the trauma doesnt count (wrong on so many levels…)

my heart goes out to everyone who has survived a psych ward 

a big fuck you to certain staff 

the ones that touched you without permission after you told them that you dont like that

the ones that hold your mental illness over your head

the ones that dont take you seriously

the ones that joke about fixating sedating and other punishments 

the ones that see you as less than human. 

[bingobongobonko]

scritchin mine hypothetical beard; went on a whole rampage into the jim crow essays and such and do want to say, and i feel like even if i have good intentions writing black characters, it does not consider the fact that stereotypes can continue 2 be perpetuated even if thats not the original intent. it IS something i constantly think abt, i like portraying yves as a very flawed guy with undisclosed mental issues, most of which come from religious trauma and the unfortunate conditioning of this. On your Grindset fuck everyone fuck you. im gonna reach the top no matter what it takes, kind of mindset. i LIKE playing him, but i do gotta admit, im never gonna have his lived experienced as a black man and that is not something i want to take from someone. its not MY story to tell, and im probably not portraying it 100% quite simply cuz im not a black man, i can see it and understand its different, but that doesnt mean ive experienced yk what i mean. even if im not trying to perpetuate a stereotype, its still kinda like. sure, im not very focused on his race, if at all, but that doesn't mean im absolved if i fall into stereotypes. i like characterizing yves as a very troubled guy, not evil, just so. All or Nothing mindset, and this aversion to challenging the status quo if it doesnt challenge him. only when it involves him, if it directly impacts him negatively. but like... even if race isnt directly discussed, it easily could play a part in how people see him, thats an unfortunate reality, one i really didnt want to explore but its one i have to admit CAN exist. like ok u didnt write an emotionally volatile black character to feed into an awful stereotype, he just IS black and has so much unresolved trauma it comes out rearing and ugly in so many different ways, but you DO know thats a stereotype right. his violence can easily be construed that way, you HAVE to be aware of that, even if that wasnt the intent. anyway im rambling but. slaps the back of yves's head, im still deeply in love with his mind but i know i gotta be more mindful abt stuff like that. yeah sure i just happened to make him black, but stereotypes are fuckin insidious and i need to NOT feed into bad shit thank u very much. i love u yves, ur my everything and ur so fucked up it deeply compels me. you gotta change. get better. get therapy. something

[magnoliamyrrh]

You don’t have to answer if too invasive but how did you find out your father did what he did? I’d think a toddler would be too young to remember

naw its ok. maybe itll be of some use to someone lol. so uh. yea. rly wasnt easy to figure this shit out or to accept it + going through all that weird normalized balkan shit rly made it a lot harder to figure out what the hell was what. as i said in that other post a whole bunch of symptoms made me v unsettled and suspicious of things since i was idk in my early teens, like, ive had utis and bad vaginal and anal pain since forever/ive been hypersexual to the point of feeling like a crazed bitch in heat. since forever. or very sex repulsed/sadomasochism otherwise v fucked up trauma kinks/nightmares/ general anxiety around physical and sexual intimacy/actually mortifying fear of the dark when i was younger, like, abnormal level/weird fucking triggers - like im still freaked out by cameras to this day, i always feel like im being watched especially when theres a camera somewhere, and i used to have v nasty reactions to ppl wanting to take photos of me when i was younger/weird feeling that all i was good for was to b little more than a sex slave for men - despite being a lesbian and having no interest in males/weird relationship w money/intense dissociation/utter disgust and fear around men etc etc etc technically. most of these could just b the result of the other stuff. technically kinda. except in my case it was to such an extent that tbh it uh wouldnt fully explain it frankly, not from what i remember which is most of it

on one hand yes most ppl tend to not remember their early childhoods much.but ehhhhh. many nontraumatized ppl do actually remember a lot. and some of us who are traumatized do. predators often target rly young kids bc they think they wont remember but its not rly a guarantee. i. have cptsd. and osdd/did lol so, uh, brain and grasp on memory and time rly isnt normal. before i feel down a trauma spiral and my psyche cracked once and for all, there were whole chunks of my childhood i couldnt rly remember. i still have a lot of gaps. a lot of it is still blurry and a lot of it i still dont remember... hell, shit feels blurry plenty of times in day to day life.. having a fractured psyche comes w sometimes not remembering much of anything and feeling rly detached from the trauma (and.. reality), and other times feeling like youre drowning in it

uhm, when i first started getting more memories back or flashbacks or my dissociating got worse at around 17/18 it was rly scary and confusing....i was back in romania and something must have triggered me bad idk. and i tried to just go back to repressing all of it but it didnt rly work, not that time. it was such a sickening and deeply unsettling feeling, i felt as if some dam in my mind had finally cracked and i was drowning in insanity. as time went by more of them came and some stuff was harder to deny. i also.. idk. a sick curiosity got the better of me and i went poking around in my brain in the places i perhaps shouldn't have - a bit later on at 18-19 when i started doing psychedelics, and that also rly just.. opened up my brain more idk and connected parts of it which werent connected before. which was partially horrifying and partially, im very thankful for

but uhm. it was many things that i started to put together little by little. the whole thing ended up coinciding w having to admit that i do actually have osdd/did which was.. hard. you dont end up with that severe sort of dissociative disorder and mental fragmentation without a.. certain level of repeated early childhood trauma. and despite all the plenty of other shit i went through, the stuff i knew of didnt ... fully explain it.. uhm. theres a part of me, alter, who vhemently hates my father. like a rabid dog, worse actually bc she leans into just sadistic want to see and feel him suffer actually. dont blame her. and just... at best severly distrust and dislikes men, in general. i think that was one hint lmao and uh.. she remembers more than i tend to about things anyway. others trauma holders and a persecutor alter remember more than i do too, and i dont envy them. some of them have always had a particular fixation on the being prostituted thing which i never rly understood or could put together from just the "regular" family stuff before.. getting to have more of a relationship and communication and understanding w them and breaking down some of the mental barriers and dissociating between us helped... v much still an ongoing process

and uh, i age regress pretty hard, or i have alters younger than this body is, or both frankly. generally agreed upon that the age(s) of said alters is the age(s) at which some trauma happened.. uhm, its actually kind of a whole other fucking nightmare to deal with but i guess u learn to live w it over time and try to make the best of it... uhm. so. because of that theres actually parts of my childhood which id say i remember better than most ppl, bc its like theres an open wound in my psyche back to those times.... sometimes i feel a lot more connected to that time frankly than the current time here. the earliest my memory stretches back is around 2 yrs old, and i remember plenty of scattered things from later on. some of it is trauma stuff, some of it is not..... i try to make the best out of the stuff which isnt. though it does actually rly fucking suck and make you feel insane to have some of ur earliest memories be. sexual stuff... and to know that shit was happening before you could ever remember.... uhm. a lot of the more severe sexual trauma kinda is like this other trauma during that time. when i was 2 i was bitten by a dog and had my hand ripped open - it rly was my fault, i was bothering the stray... i dont remember being bitten, nor the stitching up and rabies shots. but i have the scar on my hand to prove it, and i remember the moments before i was bitten, i remember the dog...... hm. i remember when i was two, i had spend some weeks or so down south with my father and his family. i have my suspicions of what happened but when i got back from them, i had such a mortifying fear of.... something. the dark. being alone. males. something, idk, something, all of it, that id get so scared and so freaked out that id just lose it, feeling such a severe level of terror that id just vomit bc i dont think my body could handle any of it. that i do remember, not pleasant nor particularly normal... for the most part the first memories and sensations and flashes i started getting back werent of the worst or most violent shit... uhm and those already made me suspicious even when they were more blurry and i couldnt remember much, and over time i just started putting two and two together and getting more of a sense of why i have/had certain triggers and nightmares and reactions and such..... a lot of times it feels like having to play detective for your own damn life. i still dont remember a lot of the worst shit. but by now i remember... enough. i remember enough, as hazy and fragmented as it may be at times, i remember much more than i ever fucking wanted to, enough that its undeniable... uhm. and also. that shit didnt end when i was a toddler, rather started then or.. god knows when it fucking started... but i dont really know how old i was when it ended. i left the country when i was 10, that i do know. its all still too fragmented for me to have any sense of, but, i do know it went on till i was older too, bc i remember some of that stuff as well

[menalez]

hey i just wanted to say thank you for talking about your SA. i actually had a very similar experience w/ a guy i was really good friends with in high school.

he was my best friend, but i got pressured into dating him by my friends, family, his parents. (his mom guilted me into being w/ him 🙄 practically stalked me til i said yes)

he ended up abusing me for nearly 3 years.

and in that time i wrote stupid notes or letters to him making sex jokes cuz i was a KID. the lawyer we hired blamed me for his actions bc of the letters bc of he did 🤦🏻‍♀️

but even still, some weird part of me misses our friendship that we had before other people started meddling in our business. it makes me feel guilty sometimes, and other times it's relief. iunno trauma is weird.

uh but yeah. thank you for sharing, i know it's hard to talk about and be open with this sort of thing. i just wanted to say that you aren't alone as a lesbian who wrote dumb things as a kid or who missed/misses what friendship you had before your friend SA'd.

i think it's also extremely fucked up for people to judge your sexuality based on the way you tried to cope in the past, let alone now.

just know that a lot of women, myself included, really appreciate you being here c:

hey thank u for sharing ur story with me ❣️ honestly the thing that rly hurt about it looking back is it was in a v vulnerable time in my life. i rly had practically nobody. i lost almost all my friends bc i was suddenly a "whore" for getting raped. i would get these messages on all my social media accounts like "you deserved it" "you were seducing him" "haha hes living a good life and youre cutting yourself looooooooool pathetic!!". my friend group went from a lot of my school (small school but its normal for bahrain) to like ... 4 people in bahrain. one of them was that guy that had a crush on me since we were like 11. he would stand between me n my rapist and went to the principal about it so that i would have lesser proximity and was one of the only people who seemed to empathise w my situation. i felt quite indebted to him n everyone would repeatedly call me an idiot and tell me i should be with him and my mom would say she wishes he could be her son in law or w/e and at one point he started insisting that we are together despite me telling him no we are not & that i dont want to be w him. i gave up on saying no eventually n just went along with all of it. i felt like i was stupid for saying no ??? ppl kept telling me i was n i was like huh i guess i am. never said no again rly, up until the very end where i could no longer ignore it n keep putting myself thru any of that. after leaving that situation i saw how fucked up it was that there were all these obvious signs and me obviously signalling TO HIS FACE that i dont want to be w him, that im not interested in him, that it was further traumatising me n harming my mental health, and also the times where what he was doing would fall under SA....idk i felt stupid for facing one male friend taking advantage of me and then another one doing it soon after right in front of my face n i thought it was somehow different and normal and ok simply bc i wasnt getting downright threatened. but i know if someone else didnt hear my rape story n tell me "uh thats rape and thats fucked up" to begin with i wouldve also probably let that happen again n again too n not thought much about that while getting traumatised until afterwards too.

anyways... im glad that ur out of that situation. im sorry that we have some shared trauma there. shit like this is why i dont even trust "nice guys" anymore fr. i dont think that many ppl can rly understand that sort of situation and i can get how its confusing, bc it was a confusing time for me too. but idk why they think theyd know better than me about my own life either lol

[raethethey]

hey its me. rae. im fine. im just having a breakdown rn and uhh idk how to deal with that really. like in a healthier way. whenever i was little and had an overwhelming experience or a day filled with anxiety i would shut down and escape to my room and turn on music and hug my blankie. but like thats not really dealing with the issue yk, its ignoring it until i forget abt it and then it happens again sometime later. i get stressed over the little things and they pile up. but idk when the mountain ever topples bc i pile it up behind me if that makes sense. just throwing it over my shoulder yk.

read at your own risk. i delve deep into traumas.

i grew up in a sheltered house, lower middle class, religion available to me. i didnt show up to school and have teachers pull me aside and ask me questions abt my parents and home life. but i did have issues. i apparently had a mother who occasionally abused alcohol (i guess i blocked this out and thought she was just smiley a lot) i had a father who decided a belt was more efficient than his hand when disciplining us, soap mouth washing was normal, holding his hand over my sisters mouth so the neighbors wouldnt hear her absolute monster of a meltdown screams (she could scream/ i was sitting on my bed watching this and covering my ears as best i could) yes he let her breathe but she was 7(?) she would just take a breath to scream again. i witnessed holes in the wall but never a bruise on my mother or father. (thats when cps was called) (thats when i realised i would become a statistic kid someday). i witnessed so many tears and yelling and walking out the front door (or even getting out of the car on a highway exit in the middle of a state we didnt live in to get away from him) i witnessed my mother connect with the ladies at church who didnt wear big hoop earrings or high heels or gaudy make up bc they grew up with 'bigger' struggles. (divorced parents, trailer homes, smoking, a sister who got pregnant at 14). i witnessed my dad struggle with someone who wasnt a good match for him but he was religious, death should happen before divorce. he would plead and beg and that sound when his voice cracked haunts me to this day. on the 28th of december when they gathered us to tell us they were divorcing i stood up, said, "i knew it." and went to my room until i had to pee or eat or go to school i dont remember. i lived between 2 separate houses until i turned 18 always lugging my sister around after she came back from boarding school for 2 years. i chose to live with my dad bc he was more financially and mentally stable. do i regret that? almost everyday. would i go back and change my choice? no.

im attending college rn with almost nothing in my bank account and no more help from dad. im scared bc im not smart, i believe i have learning issues bc not every teacher teaches the same and its been a constant guessing game as to whether ill pass or not based on them. i can apply myself when i get interested but if you lecture us like youre talking like a middle schooler abt the weather in an awkward convo with your crush, what the hell am i supposed to get excited abt?

how am i supposed to live in a home that expects more than i think i can give just because im an adult? with a man who doesnt understand social anxiety or burn out or depression bc he has the lord and faith and hope and he doesnt need to worry abt whats next. how am i supposed to recover from a night of not sleeping and watching youtube videos to drown out the thoughts (sometimes suicidal) and then be expected to get up at 8am and go apply to 7 jobs and grocery shop for your ass and clean the house and not take a nap that turns into 15hours of dead sleep at noon bc im adult and thats just what adults do.

no thats society. thats society fucking everything up for ill minds and those with disabilities and disorders and chronic sickness. society tells me i need to move out at 18 (when your brain only finishes developing at 27 ish). society tells me i need to figure out my life when im not even a 1/10th thru it. to get a degree at 22 a job at 23 bc youve interned somewhere for 2 years already and have that job for 50ish years, a spouse a house and kids at some point during that time and still be financially okay and be able to pay off student loans and hospital bills and mortgage and whatever else. society says fuck you all the fucking time and i cant fucking stand it.

im not ready to be 23. im not knowledgeable on how life works bc i was sheltered. we were poor we couldnt look stuff up willy nilly, if i did i was terrified i wasnt allowed to bc god is always watching, youll go to hell. i know nothing abt sex ed bc our teacher wasnt even fully certified. i know nothing abt taxes or bills bc we didnt have a finance class available. i know nothing abt dating bc no boys until youre 30. i know nothing.

when my parents split and i lived with my mom every other week, i searched everything under the sky in my room at night bc i was scared. i was scared my dad might find out that i thought [sally] was cuter than [sam]. that i was jealous of [jasons] body and the way it was shaped. that i liked the way [marys] voice sound bc she was cool on tv (she smoked) the way [johns] voice sounded bc it was lower. i read fanfiction as soon as i knew what it was. when i gravitated toward more mlm fics i was scared of those new apps coming out that let a parent see what their kid was doing.

when i graduated high school and didnt know what to do with myself for two years, i drowned myself in fanfiction and fantasies. when i was given an ultimatum of moving out or going to school and/or working i chose school bc by then i had found kpop. i fell in love with something for the first time in a while since fanfiction. i like the new language i hadnt really ever heard before other than psy's song that rocked the world. i realised ive always loved languages why not teach mine? thats popular. so i chose school, i dragged myself through months of mental torture and physical stress torture and im still doing it bc one day ill live a dream that was forced upon me bc i know im not ready for the world. and bc i chose school i met some of the greatest ppl. ppl who accept me for who i truly am bc that summer wasnt just abt kpop it was abt realising i was not a girl. i wasnt a boy either but goddamn idk what i am. so not only did i read abt gay men but i read abt gay anything. researching wtf was going on in my head. what exactly do i feel like, who am i attracted to, what do i want in life in a partner if i ever get one

and through all this in the back of my head im still thinking im not good enough for my dad bc he believes that even just who i am is a sin, im not good enough for mom bc i chose dad, im not good enough for myself bc im lazy and incapable of doing normal things and a wimp and a loser. im not good enough. i dont deserve this. i shouldve been kicked out years ago. thats how you know if youll make it (i wouldntve). theres smth wrong with me and my brain. the doctor said i had depression and gave me pills i didnt want bc pills make it real. there really is smth wrong with me. thats why they dont love me, they dont think im good enough. i havent been to a doctor in 6 years (1 covid hit so i just couldnt 2 i cant make the fucking phone call on my own) i know i have anxiety and worse depression. i think i have other stuff bc like i mentioned when i think theres smth wrong with me i research the fuck out of it.

cant even keep a best friend. the one in elementary moved, elementary-middle i moved schools, middle-high school stopped talking to me out of the blue, my church friend from elementary is still my best friend and has many the same views abt religion aa i do now and accepts me and loves me for who i am, but shes getting married this year. still have my college bestie but its only been 2 years. i hate myself for thinking 'wait until its been 7, he'll hate you then, but hes too nice to drop you to your face he'll just ghost you like the last one did'

cant commit to a partner either. first one was a mess, he had anger issues. second didnt respect the law. third one was 3yrs older and ready for marriage. 4th was going to the navy in a month. 5th (first girl) was in israel. i was the one who ended them all. my current partner is literally amazing and im scared the day they realise i literally cannot commit. we will dance around commitment forever until you get bored and realise i was just there bc i want to try but deep down know i cant and wont succeed. im scared the day they leave bc they think im playing with them and i unintentionally break their heart. im scared bc i know that will never happen, ill leave them before they can bc i dont want to string them along bc i cant commit.

well ive "journaled" for like and hour now and i need to pee. so thanks for reading if you did. im sorry if you were triggered. i dont want responses. i just needed to get this out.

[baangtan]

😷

[wasflypaw]

Why people take c!Dream's actions more seriously than any other villains

Because I'm absolutely sick of "oh this villain is as bad as c!Dream why dont people hate him as much" "why arent people sympathetic towards c!Dream" "why do people hate Exile but not c!Dream's prison situation?"

So I'm writing this.

First, lets go over the Exile Arc. We have had nothing like the Exile Arc and it is unique in every way - no it is not the same as c!Dream's prison situation, no it is not the same as c!Quackity and c!Purpled.

The Exile Arc is unique because we see everything from the victim's perspective, and nothing from the abuser's perspective. For two weeks we get to see c!Tommy's mental decline and trauma, and the only thing we see of c!Dream is when he comes online to abuse c!Tommy.

We do not have this with anything else. With the Prison Situation we have one stream a month from c!Quackity's perspective and about 4 minutes worth of screentime from c!Dream. We barely see what goes on in the prison, and when we do it's not from c!Dream, the one being tortured's perspective. This makes it a lot harder to sympathise with him, especially since he also keeps doing horrible things even after being in prison, like sending Sapnap to send the :) face to c!Ranboo, killing c!Tommy, killing Ghostbur. This leaves literally no room for sympathy, every time you feel the slightest bit bad for him he murders someone or fucks with their head. The prison and the torture clearly affects him because there's no way it wouldnt, but we just dont see much of it. Unlike c!Tommy's exile, in which we got every gruesome little detail from his victim's perspective.

There's also the added detail that c!Dream is a villain. Before he was put in prison, we watched him orchestrate a situation in which he could borderline-kidnap and abuse someone to the point of suicide, give him stokholm syndrome, try to murder c!Tubbo, blow up his country down to bedrock, try to take everyone's attachments to control them, etc. He had many chances for sympathy from the fandom but he kept getting worse until he was put in prison. After that we suddenly have "oh he's being tortured" and we see barely any of said torture and whenever we do see him from anyone but c!Quackity's perspective he's doing something awful again. People like to blame everyone but c!Dream for Ghostbur's death, which happened like 3 weeks ago.

Before Exile c!Tommy was... pretty much harmless. Everything he did was mild or he apologised for if he went too far, or encouraged by c!Dream himself. What got him into exile was burning a roof (framed as more malicious than it was) and threatening Dream with Spirit (framed as more malicious than it was). He had done nothing that deserved Exile, nevermind what happened in it. He was pretty much innocent, not to mention a kid, and c!Dream had every last ounce of power over him. We watched c!Tommy, the determined kid, the guy who gave up his prized possessions for a nation that existed for 3 days, the kid who had repeatedly stand up to c!Dream.... give up. We watched him give up for the first time and talk his own way out of it.

I wanna talk about the people that are repeatedly compared to c!Dream:

c!Wilbur - his actions, while bad, are nowhere near the extent of c!Dream's. He didnt treat c!Tommy the best and c!Tommy had trauma from him, but it wasnt literally abusing him on purpose for fun every day until he broke down. He blew up L'Manberg but it wasnt an irreparable hole down to bedrock. For 'stealing land' which even c!Dream called small, he was punished with the Final Control Room, in which he was betrayed by someone he trusted and was brutally slaughtered in a room along with his son, his little brother figure and another kid. (By the way this was early c!Dream. The fact that he had already done things like this is one of the reasons why people think he was Always a villain and the fact that he repeatedly said he found it fun to do these horrible things) He was barely active until the elections, then he was kicked out of his own country, was hunted down and again, murdered. And then spiralled. We get to see him spiral, we get to see the trauma that caused him to spiral, which automatically makes him more sympathetic than c!Dream to people, along the fact that we got to see many small moments that showed he still cared, moments of hesitation... I dont personally believe you can call c!Wilbur abusive but regardless of whether he was or not he was at his lowest - meanwhile c!Dream abused c!Tommy knowing full well what he was doing with no spiral or sad backstory to fall back on

c!Sam - We get to see him early on. We get to see he was once a genuinely good person, who cared for others a lot. He would always help people, there was a running joke about him always walking around throwing pumpkin pie at people. Even if he got into some questionable things (glances at him accepting the building job for the prison, also the whole capitalist thing) we could see he still very much cared for people from him literally nearly crying when c!Tommy got exiled to his love for Fran. We get to slowly watch what he's become, as he becomes more and more corrupted, as he does more horrible things, and that's part of what hits so hard about him. We get to watch him spiral, sometimes from his perspective, sometimes from others perspectives. We know he was once good, we know for 100% certain he has not always been like this. That again automatically gives him a lot of sympathy from the fandom. He has done inexcusable things like the murder, torture and dismemberment of c!Ponk, the... Entire prison thing, etc, but he has believable motives, while not justified in the slightest. We know why he does what he does, him genuinely believing his actions are justified, him being overprotective of the prison, the whole c!Tommy thing... (more believable than "I want a big happy family uwu" as you're abusing and slaughtering people and calling them "too fun")

c!Quackity - Once again we've watched him become this, from his own perspective. From joining the server and doing silly cartel antics with his friends, to him becoming the right hand man of Schlatt and leaving his horrible abusive relationship with him, to helping fight by Pogtopia's side, to El Rapids, to The Butcher Army situation, to (points at all of The Current Arc). What hits the hardest about his arc is seeing him go from how he was in Season 1 to what he is now - manipulating and hurting people and *torturing* someone. And even during all of This we still get little moments of his old self and little moments to show he still cares in some way. It is so abundantly clear that all of his actions stem from trauma of his time during Manberg which again gives him a Backstory and Reasoning . He has done inexcusable things but he has always been portrayed as a sympathetic villain

Do you see the running theme here. c!Dream stands out bc we dont see his POV, we dont ever really see him being good (regardless of he reasons behind his actions his biggest scenes in season 1 are; The L'Manberg war in which he took 4 canon lives and blew up a country, the Disc War in which he destroyed Tommy's house at least 4 times, giving Wilbur the TNT, betraying Pogtopia for Schlatt, helping "Team Chaos" fuck up L'Manberg. All of this is framed as bad.), we completely stop seeing his POV and reasoning behind his actions. We only see his actions from his victims perspective. We dont ever see him struggle before the Prison Arc, time and time again he has literally been the person with the most power in every situation. He's always been framed as a villain, never a sympathetic villain. Which is why people now struggle to sympathise with him in the prison. The only motives he's given are "I want a big happy family" while creating chaos and doing nothing to achieve this, and "youre too fun" which is uh.

There's also the whole "a lot of people are abuse victims and see their abuser in how c!Dream acts and therefore cannot give a fuck about the whole prison situation bc c!Dream lost any sympathy to them a while ago" thing

It has nothing to do with "oh c!Dream is only framed as unsympathetic bc he hurt c!Tommy!" "oh c!Sam and c!Quackity are only seen as fine by the fandom bc they're leaving c!Tommy alone!" Literally nobody thinks this and if they do it's not a popular opinion. Nobody has ever been called a villain simply because they hurt c!Tommy. c!Dream has always been called a villain, cc!Jack and cc!Niki called their own characters sympathetic villains, people started referring to c!Sam as a villain around the time of the c!Ponk situation, c!Wilbur called himself a villain which sparked "Vilbur" (derogatory). Stop using c!Tommy fans as your scapegoat its actually getting quite annoying, I have seen more people complain "oh ppl only dislike X Character bc they hurt Tommy its how all Tommy fans are they're so annoying" than people actually disliking X Character simply for hurting c!Tommy lmao

[marunalu]

Okay one thing i really don't get it. Izuku was reckless to an extreme where he didn't take himself into account and many times including the villain hunt arc we have seen him not care about himself. Him not taking himself is due to his lack of self worth and for some reason All might is to be blamed for this ?. His lack of self worth was due to the bullying and being called worthless for 11yrs by Bakugou. All might is also blamed for Izuku pushing away his friends which i cannot agree. Izuku has a caring heart and he cares too much about his friends. It doesn't mean he looks down on them like Shoji asked. The kid has fear of putting some one in danger due to the effects of the war as well as watching Nagant explode which in-turn made him more desperate to find Shigi and AFO to a point where he didn't eat or sleep and all might is supposed to be blamed? All might has been looking out for his well being and telling him non stop to not be like him since the Kamino fight with AFO. All might was the one who suggested for Izuku's protection in UA in CH306. constantly prepared food for Izuku. i will say Izuku was stubborn to listen to all might in the villain arc but his stubbornness is also due to his underlying fear and Trauma of losing people he cares about which is clouding his judgement. I really can't stand Horikoshi's canon and how many blame All might for this.

Hori needed someone he could lay the blaime for izukus self destroying tendencies and zero self worth one and choose all might for that, because blaiming bakugou for it, would course an abroar in the fandom.

Everyone who pays at least a little bit attention should be able to realize that the reason izuku feels that way about himself, is because of the 10 years of abuse he had to endure and was told on a daily basis that he is worthless and useless trash. And izuku still believes that! He STILL calls himself by the insults bakugou used to call him! That alone makes clear that izuku is NOT over his past abuse by bakugous hands. He still suffers from trauma, he wasnt able to heal from!

Bakugou layed the blaime for izukus non existent self worth on all might, because at the time, he couldnt tell his classmates "oh by the way, the reason why deku gives a fuck about himself is because I used to call him worthless, useless trash and similar things on a daily basis since kindergarten and I also liked to use my quirk on him, destroyed his property and also liked to use him as my punching bag."

Pretty sure the rest of the class wouldnt have reacted very well to that. Maybe they even would have told him to stay in ua, while they search for izuku. I also think bakugou doesnt want to face the fact that HE is responsible for izukus fucked up mental wellbeing. In the latest two chapters we found out that bakugou wants to move on from the past. He believes with the apology everything is forgiven now and he has a white vest again! But its not that easy. Its not in the abusers right to decide, when its time to move on. Thats only the victims priority, espicially if the victim hasnt moved on yet and wasnt able to reflect over the bad things that happened to them and so far izuku still hasnt said anything about the apology nor accepted it! I really hope hori does all that with a purpose in mind and means bakugou will be called out later and izuku will be able to heal! And to be able to heal, bakugou needs to stay away from him.

All might is not at fault for the way izuku treats himself. Like you said, all might did everything he could to help izuku and was worried sick about him! Izuku was ALWAYS selfless. Already as a small child he did everything he could to help others, even standing up to his bullys to protect an other boy from bakugou and his minions. The self destroying and zero self worth came LATER, after the bulling startet! And izuku cant have copied that from all might, because back then they didnt know each other on a personal level. When izuku and all might met each other for the first time, izukus feeling of self worth was already long gone!

Bakugou simply needed someone to lay his own wrong doings on, because he doesnt want to face backlash from the people around him that could destroy his reputation and his chance to become the nr 1 hero. Nobody wants a nr 1 hero, who told an other person to kill himself! Bakugou is not dumb enough, not to get that. He is actually quite manipulative. It was all might he layed the blaime one, because to his luck neither all might nor izuku were there to contradict him and he choose a moment to apologize, when izuku was not in the right mind to process what bakugou was telling him.

[momoliee]

It’s probably too early for The Meta No One Asked For That I’m Gonna Write Anyway about XQC, alas…here we go

Dr. Xie Qingcheng, 32, male, straight (so far), 180 cm with only one current family member.

Xqc is introduced as a cold, aloof and apathetic retired doctor who has no passions, cares about nothing except for his sister, and unless he’s angry, you can barely get an emotional response out of him.

Through meatbun’s character notes on how he has no favorite food, no favorite color or animal, no personal preferences outside what’s most practical and how he’s very very responsible and rules abiding and honest and sober and serious, and through he yu’s POV that continuously paints him as this heartless cold blooded person, I dare say we were…deceived by this so far shades of gray picture we had of him.

Xqc was born into a finically stable middle class family consisting of two cops for parents and a younger sister that came into the world 8 years after him. When he turned 13, and his sister was only 5 at that time, his parents were fired from their job due to a case they shouldn’t have been investigating going wrong, and they had to move to a rural area. Not long after that, he witnessed both his parents’ deaths and saw their corpses with his own eyes, the site was bloody and there’s no way it didn’t traumatize a pre-teen like him. He then was tasked with taking care of his sister, becoming a doctor despite not wanting to, owing others favors and spending all his money on smth that’s yet to be revealed instead of enjoying it. He got married, not to a woman he loves but to someone whom he thought of as “suitable and appropriate”, got cheated on and went through a divorce before losing full interest in the marriage life. He was finally able to retire (we don’t know why yet) and live a quiet, normal, boring life.

I believe xqc loved his parents, I believe he loved them so much cause in chapter 20, he mentions how he thought he wouldnt be able to live past the grief, he wouldn’t be able to go on or move forward, how the grief completely overtook him. He also mentions how he used to play with knots and handcuffs when he was a child, which shows how close he was to them. So for a child who had a good stable life with two loving parents to suddenly fall from a class to a class, suddenly lose both parents and see their corpses with his own eyes, that must’ve fucked him up big time. I’m talking “when can I fully register all of this” kind of fucked up. But he didn’t have time to fully absorb all of this, didnt have the time to sit down and cry, he had a sister, she was only 5, where will they get the money from? What were they gonna do? How was he going to continue school while caring for her? He didn’t have the time to sit down and grief, to sit down and adjust. For a child who had a normal life and didn’t have to worry much about the money like every other middle class kid, he was suddenly burdened with poverty AND loss, and duty and responsibility. Good bye to the days of playing with handcuffs and knots huh?

You ask me, why does xqc not have a favorite food? I answer you, because many many nights, he didn’t know what to feed his sister, much less himself. Cause I bet that many nights, he would have to give up his portion for Xie Xue, to make sure a kid like her is full. Cause he couldn’t afford to be picky, couldn’t afford to choose; whatever was edible will be eaten, taste and flavor be damned. He had to start working from a young age, balance school, babysitting and working all at once. The last friend he made (I think) was that Chen Man guy whose parents were friends with his parents, back when they were alive and life was good. He didn’t have time to make friends, or go out, or have a favorite color or visit the zoo and decide on a favorite animal. No, he had to study, and study hard to become more financially stable and support Xie Xue, he had to raise his baby sister and protect her, he had to work or else how will he put food on their table? Yet he never lost his soft kind heart, cause when his sister asked for a laptop, he bought her one just so that she wouldn’t feel less than any of the other children.

Xqc had to SURVIVE, he had to make do with what he had and what he didn’t have. He didn’t have time to sit down and cry or process his trauma, didn’t even have time to think of adolescent love or his youthful days or do what kids his age did. And all of that carried forward into his adult life. He pushed his emotions back so hard and had his practical, business like mind take care of everything in order to make it through the days. He started to believe that passionate emotions such as love and hate and lust and desire were all a waste of time, a distraction from his duties, smth that will rock the delicate balance he created with his everyday busy schedule. Emotions will stunt you, emotions will delay you, crying and not going to work today means no food to feed his hungry sister with. That’s when he started thinking, strong emotions are a DISEASE, they will take up your time, cloud your judgement, have you make reckless decisions that you’ll regret later. And he couldn’t afford any of that right? Strong emotions are for the weak, they put you in crutches and disable you from moving forward. Wasnt that what he told his ex wife? If he had submitted himself to his grief back then, where would his sister be? Where would he be? How could they have grown up to be healthy and successful adults?

So this man taught himself practicality and duty and priorities. He stopped thinking about himself, about what he wants and what he feels, and instead started making sure that those around him are happy and content and safe and well taken care of. He no longer had desires or passions, he only had rules and regulations. If a person lost their sense of taste, would they still want chocolates and burgers? Would they still have cravings and foods they’d rather swallow medicine than eat? No. If so, how will they decide on what to eat every day? They’ll simply start following a “perfect nutritional plan” and “balanced diet”. They’d eat what they have to eat, when they have to eat, and in the exact portion they need. To them eating would be another chore they have to do every day to keep their bodies going. Similarly, with xqc, graduating, working, marrying, taking care of his sister and auntie, these all became “tasks” and “chores” that he had to abide by and follow. They became the dietary plan for his life till he dies, the outline he shall follow, the textbook rules he will carry out, no need to think of what he “wants” or “desires”, what will make him “happy” or bring him “joy”. He no longer listened to his emotions when making decisions. Even when marrying his ex wife, he married her cause she was “a suitable match”, not for her looks or personality or anything. Feelings are life’s taste buds, and once you remove them, everything becomes tasteless and mundane, and practicality/logic takes over. He stopped knowing what it felt like to choose based on your preferences, cause he stopped having the luxury of choice ever since that night when he was 13, and he no longer was able to re-teach himself the meaning of free will and choice.

So when he yu, in chapter 20, asked him how he would’ve acted if Xie Xue had died, and he said, “I would’ve continued living as I am today till my last breath,” he wasn’t being “cold” or “heartless” or “indifferent” as he yu likes to say. He was being practical and methodical and thinking with a logical approach, rather than an emotional one, just the way he taught himself to throughout all these years. His almost 2 decades of pure survival mode and severely repressed feelings spoke in the form of autopilot. “I would do what I have to do, what I’ve always done every day of my life so far cause what choice do I have?” Is what he meant to say.

But I believe that he’s a soft hearted, kind and loving person. He never says no his sister, never says no to his auntie, helped that homeless man as best as he could, taught he yu that he was normal and that he wasn’t a monster, believed in treating his patients with words instead of medicine prescriptions, believed that the mentally ill deserve to live normally instead of being locked up. I believe that underneath all the shit he has buried, there’s a lot of passion and love that’s been kept dormant for 19 years.

In conclusion, idk where meatbun is gonna take his character but I genuinely hope he gets to heal, and start having more color and flavor in his life. Start allowing himself to live, not just survive.

[low-budget-korra]

Lets talk about Korra (again)

i already made this analysis, and it was well received but i dont know, i wanna do it again. Why not right? My english is better now than was when i made that analysis so i think  this one will be better written

What a way to introduce a protagonist. This line and this scene tell us everything we need to know about Korra at that time and everything she knew about herself.

In book one Korra is a 17′s old teenager who have no idea how the world, how life is outside the training center she grew up in and had been locked up since ever. So she is not only naive but have lack of social skills

Oh, and not everyone who lack’s social skills will act like Zuko and Azula okay? Korra can be confident, expressive and outgoing and still have problems when it comes to social skills.One thing dont exclude the other.

“I’m the Avatar and you gotta deal with it” did you guys notice that only for that line we can see the entire opposite on how she treat her role as avatar in comparisson with Aang? And im not here to judge because is two very different contexts.

As far as we know, Korra grew up without friends or romantic partners. Of course, she had her training partners but i believe that they are just that. 

So her entarely perception of herself was around her duty as Avatar, she didnt have personal life, she barely was Korra...She was The avatar and thats that.

So she came to Republic City, it was a mess. 

Its funny to see that she have no touch when it comes to simply talk to people, i guess when you grew up away from society, this happens. And yes, she is cocky and had to learn that people arent there to somewhat please her, and she learned that quicky. 

Thats why the Pro Bending was important for her character, not only for training but also as means of socilization.

Now lets talk about the villains: Amon and Tarrlok

The two of them represents two differents threats to Korra. Amon represents a threat to her duty as Avatar while Tarrlok represents a threat to Korra as a person.

In episode 4 we have what i still thinks is the darker episode from TLOK. In this episode Amon ambushes Korra in the final moments... Even knowing that they did their best to make Amon’s power and control be non-sexualized as possible still...He have her down on her knews, totally helpless and he even invades Korra’s personal space by touching in her face forcing her to look at him. He didn't have to sexually touch her to violate her.

And right after, the fear in Tenzin voice when asking what happened after seeing her laying in the ground like that, and how Korra is sobing in his arms teeling him how powerless and helpless she felt. I mean...Oh, and she keeps terryfied by him until he takes her bending.

Tarrlok in the  other hand doesnt do much different from his brother and started to harass Korra because he cant take ‘no’ as a answer when Korra didnt wanted to join his task force.

Whats interesting is that if it wasnt for Tarrlok harassement and maniputation, Korra wouldnt have joined his task force and wouldnt have confronted Amon and wouldn't have gone through that terrible encounter.

The thing is that Korra is caught right in the middle of a politcal power dispute over the city, something that she for sure wasnt prepare for it. And both Amon and Tarrlok woud hurt or kill her without think twice about it if that means gain  power. And that was exacly what happened

Tarrlok tried to manipulate her and keep her on leash where he could, and when his tatics didnt worked anymore he alreay had a plan B. Yes that whole metal box in that cabin in the middle of nowhere was made especifically for her and maybe Tenzin if he also get in his way.

In the end Korra lost the physical battle against both but won the ethical battle also against both. She was the responsable for expose both of them as corrupted and hypocrites. But at what price? Amon was able to remove the bends of the Avatar. And without them, how could she be the Avatar?

Remember that her entirely conception of herself was built around her duty as Avatar, be the avatar. After all, everything she was, everything she'd trained so hard for, had been destroyed in minutes. Thats why i still strongly believe that she was thinking about killing herself at the end, nobodys goes all sad and crying to in front of a clifft without thinking about jumping from it. 

But she, i think given up the idea and just sit and started to crying when Aang appeared and help her, giving her bendings back in one of the best scenes of the show. So after have everything solve and still managed to get the boy she was in love with, things where great and she “move on”

In that first half, Korra is unbearable. Everything she learned in Book 1 how to be more mature, less spoiled and all, was thrown in the trash and she was the same "child" of the book one only worse.

Until I stopped and realized that I was also unbearable and childish like this when I had my bad phases of anxiety and depression, as defense mechanism and keep people away. Returning to Korra, and if this way of acting of her was nothing more than this defense mechanism?

Because guess what, i dont think she “move on” from all that happened in Book One that fast, and for add more drama she discovered that was her father idea of keeping her locked up training in that training center we saw in book one and not traveling like avatars before her. No wonder she felt betrayed. And for adding even more drama, people still keep treating her like child, so she was despered for some validation. Something that she found in her uncles arms but she was betrayed by him after.

In the end, Korra again goes through a traumatic experience when she has her connection with past lives destroyed. We see how it affected her when she apologizes to Tenzin, through tears. And Tenzin, as the excellent master he is, tries to motivate her to face Vaatu again (now merged with Unalaq, her uncle) and again she saves the day even after go throught a traumatic event

In the final moments, we see the innocent decision to reconnect the world of spirits and the world of men. And we also see Korra and Mako permanently end their turbulent relationship.

Book 3 begins in a more mature, we see all the characters being presented in a more mature way and it seems that Korra now has overcome everything that has passed. We have the relationship between Korra and Asami deepening as well

In Book 3, called "Change" we have a great sacrifice from Korra. Her life goes down a notch when she decides to save the new airbenders from Zaheer and the Red Lotus, the only villain until now that really threat her life since their sole goal was to kill the avatar.

Korra won again but this time victory costed way too much. Yes she save the day again but now she was  physically and psychologically defeated. It was too much, she broke.

Book 4 begins and we only saw Korra in the final minutes and she is unrecognizable. We see that, once proud and courageous avatar, in someone depressed and cowerd. We never have saw Korra like that, even when she was afraid of Amon she wasnt like that.

Korra is afraid of being the Avatar again and her fight against PTSD is still one of the most sensitive, responsable and honest representation of Mentall Issues that i saw, and it was before this subject gain more space on media. It was before people started to give attention to this

I also think that she was having flashs from her other fights and not only the one against Zaheer.

Another thing I think is worth mention is that Korra took 3 years to feel safer and re-embrace her duties as Avatar. It was not 3 weeks or 3 months, it was 3 years. And anyone who suffers from some mental illness knows very well the stigma that is, the fight that is, because everyone wants you to be well faster as possible  when the truth is that many times you spend years fighting against this.  And this is a pressure that falls on you.Imagine, seeing all your friends moving forward while you continue "stock in the same place"?

Only after Korra confronts Zaheer, I think that was a way to show her coping with the trauma, she improves to the point of returning to be the great Avatar we know. I personally still struggles with this scene because put the victim in front of her agressor may not be the best idea but i understand that she needed to see that he was just a man and not the invencible monster her mind was telling her

One of the lines that stuck with me the most was in the TLOK version of the ember island players, the one that made a recap of the show before the finale. When Korra said “I was so naive” just before we watch her narration of her journey, we can feel pain, sadness and strenght. Janet was amazing in the way the delivered this line.

And this fucking quote i saw here on tumblr still is the goat: “The Last Airbender is a story of a boy who becomes a god. The Legend of Korra is the story of a goddess who becomes a girl "

And I still get really pissed when someone comes to talk shit about  Korra because she is such an incredible heroine and her journey is also so incredible.

The story of how life can be hard and unfair, how it can hurt and paralyze, but there is always a reason to move on. We should always move on.

Korra is definitely not weak, quite the opposite, she is one of the if not the strongest heroine I have ever seen. Korra inspires overcoming 

[reyhospacebitch]

I cant stop thinking about how everyone Daisy has ever loved, romantically or platonically, always ended up leaving her for one reason or another and even the people who *do* stay, only stay at arms length until Daniel Sousa appeared.

every time a romantic partner didnt like something she does or believes, its held against her or someone runs.

Miles? He wasnt who she thought he was yes but he didnt handle her changing well at allll. Uncompromising, he wanted her to give up the team and her mission (at the time, to find her parents) and when she refused he bolted, blaming HER even though *he* was the one who got people killed.

Ward? Omfg this was such a shit show. She blamed herself for not seeing his manipulations sooner and emotionally takes on the blame for Keonig’s death. And then the entire team judged her for having feelings for him despite not knowing in such a cringe way, Daisy was full on forced to choose Ward or Everyone Else constantly. Yet again Daisy was punished for having feelings for someone who used those feelings against her.

Lincoln? He was the most supportive of her romantic pairings but he always had one foot out the door, understandably. He hated SHIELD, had his own massively unresolved issues and overall just never really gave Daisy the support she needed. It wasnt his fault. It wasnt anyones fault. He was just young and Dealing With Shit like Daisy was. And yet Even when he sacrificed his life for her, moments before he ran from her. When she reached her breaking point and asked to go back to HIVE Lincoln’s response to her severe trauma of being mind controlled was to break up with her... And to tell her she needed to work on herself, which yes she needed therapy but 😫

for someone who was abandoned her entire life by adults for making the Smallest of mistakes (ie look at her convo with jiaying about breaking a glass at a foster home) to punish her when she needs to be hugged is the most traumatizing shit ever. And yet it happened over and over again.

And not just by boyfriends.... Repeatedly Jemma and Coulson held her feelings for Ward against her in ways that felt unfair. And what about the time she left SHIELD because Lincoln died and she couldnt handle anything anymore? The woman was suicidal and desperate. Coulson and Mack just wanted to help so they chased after her - though I honestly dont think they knew what she needed in that moment and thats why she didnt come in. However, Fitz? Fitz took her leaving as a personal attack, as her abandoning him and the team. Yes he has his own trauma around abandonment so I get why he wouldnt take it well, but he threw it in her face Multiple Times as if she had done a great ~Sin~ by leaving the team. He held it against her as a personal failing in a way that was completely unfair. SHIELD is a job. She didn’t owe SHIELD her mental health. Since joining she had experienced so much loss (her mother, father AND a boyfriend) on top of all the deaths and torture she blamed herself for AND being mind controlled and almost dying multiple times??? Her friends and family should have hugged her and sent to a good therapist, not yell at her for not handling her trauma the way *they* wanted. I adore the SHIELD family and know they are all incredibly flawed and human and thats what makes the show so meaningful but you cant deny the fact that Rarely has Daisy ever been showed unconditional love on this show.

But this is all IMPORTANT context for why Daisy is so blown away by what Daniel Sousa tells her in the time loop. The fact that he Sees her and just wants to Be There to support her? Its something Daisy has secretly always wanted but was too afraid to ask for. She’s been hurt so many times and yet here is this man who literalllly just died for her, who is now telling her he wants to always be there to pick her back up? The way this would blow Daisy’s mind and hit at some desire buried so deep she prob cant even vocalize it just makes me. 🥺 The meaningfulness of him constantly offering to help and just Be There For Her is impossible to fully explain. I just - Im so fucking soft for them.

[doomednarrative]

On the topic of listening to "Marsha, Thank You for the Dialectics" one too many times, and the idea that you might be identifying too much with your trauma and mental illness:

----

If you've followed me for any length of time on this blog, you'll probably be aware of two things about me:

A. I'm clearly mentally ill in some regard, and B. I use music to cope and work thru the issues related to my mental illness and trauma a lot.

The past four years have been both the worst and best years of my life. I ran away from an abusive home, I've gone thru two major breakups and one of them just absolutely rocked my shit for awhile, I've been consistently working thru my queer identity and figuring all of that out for myself, and the list goes on.

Finally leaving an environment that had trapped me in a cycle of traumatic experiences for years left me in a weird place. For once I was somewhere where my illness and suffering was being taken seriously and not constantly belittled and ignored, and my queerness was accepted and respected. And that felt great!

What Wasnt so great about that was the Overwhelming feelings of "oh my god I've been suffering for so long and now that i'm out of that place, I cant stop thinking about it and realizing how much its truely fucked me up and worsened my mental health" that came with everything else.

And with that overwhelm, somewhere along the line I started to identify with that suffering. I had spent so long in a place that refused to acknowledge that I was hurting at all, that now that I was in a place where I could truely express that hurt and how it affected me, I didnt want to let go of it.

This was a cycle that went on for awhile, and one that I didn't really realize I was trapped in until about March this year.

Enter Will Wood and his wonderful music.

I'd heard of him months before, already had Dr. Sunshine and Hand Me My Shovel in my spotify library. But I didn't really give him a Proper listen until Miles suggested I do so, and I fell in love almost immediately with his stuff. Underneath his music just being fun and wild to listen to, Will's music talks so openly and genuinely about deeper themes of personal identity and mortality and the current culture we live in, and so many other important things.

"Marsha, Thank You for the Dialectics" is a song about both sides of the mental health discussion and about the struggle of how everyone deals with their own personal identity in relation to their mental health treatment. Its a song that once I heard what it was really saying, it slapped me in the fucking face to say the least. I havent heard someone describe the things this song is trying to say in a way that actually made sense and summed up my feelings on the discussion so nicely ever honestly. The things Will addresses in this song are important, and its all stuff I've personally pondered on for awhile too.

Some lyrics that really stuck out to me would be these two:

"Who makes the call, whats a symptom whats a flaw, can it be both? Well I suppose thats an answer."

"Ain't your identity at stake? Does aspirin kill you with the pain?"

What a complex question, isnt it? Does treatment kill your identity, change who you are as a person? Is that a bad thing? Whats really a symptom of the mental illness and what makes it that? Do those symptoms also count as personal flaws?

What do you do when you identify too much with your illness that you feel you can't get treatment for it?

That was the real question I got stuck on for myself. Because after a lot of deeper reflection on my own behavior and thoughts towards my illness and trauma, I made a discovery I hadn't known before really thinking about what this song was saying:

I found that I was scared to be treated. I was scared of finding an identity outside of my illness. I had become so accustomed to defining a part of myself by my suffering, that i became afraid of what or who I could become without it constantly weighing me down. And thats a very heavy thing to realize about yourself, but it was a very eye opening thought for me to have.

And I dunno how much longer itd have taken me to figure out if it wasnt for this song tbh. Its just not something I wanted to think about for awhile. I became content with identifying myself by my illness, and I was resistant to seeking out treatment for fear that I wouldnt like who I'd become if I tried to treat it.

Thankfully, this is something I've been working thru more recently after having that revelation.

I don't really have some grand statement to make at the end of this. I'm really just here journalling and writing down how I feel about all of this stuff recently. But, I do think theres something to be said about how art and music can really affect people. Hell knows I've had quite a few good mental revelations about myself since listening to Wills music more recently. Its been helpful honestly.

If you take anything away from this tho, maybe it should be that its not a bad thing to examine just how much you define yourself by your illness and trauma sometimes. You might find that you're in a little too deep sometimes and want to pull yourself out.

You're more than what your illness is. And treatment for it isn't a bad thing either. I may just be learning this for myself, but I do think its true.

Just something for yall to ponder for now I suppose.

[limelocked]

hello you talked about maybe making a post examining phils trauma and I would absolutely love that if you do decide to make it

okay, this post will be very unstructured and may be triggering to some readers so go into it knowing this and stay safe

i dont know how many people in this fandom have been suicidal but i can guess that a smaller number have had a suicidal friend and have had to talk them down

i had a friend who was a pathological liar so i dont actually know what was happening at the time since i now doubt everything that person said to me however at the time i fully believed it when this person told me that they were going to take their own life by jumping out the window from high up in a multistory building

this context is important because if you think about it too hard what phil did wasnt murder, it was assisted suicide done semi unconsentually

phil couldnt get into dreamsmp before he “hacked” his way in on the 16th and any contact with dreamsmp before that was instigated by the people on the server or went through what his chat told him, there was Nothing that he could do before he was whitelisted

then we look at alivebur who had tnt IN the button room before quackity and tommy took it out and was quite clearly depressed, using blue already before becoming ghostbur as a way to cope

so phil joins the server, he is in this cramped room and people are already fighting outside, he only thinks that whats at risk is some buildings being blown up but... chat has told him stuff that might be true so he tries to talk wilbur down and he does pretty well all things considered... and he fails... wilbur presses the button and while neither of them die what happens afterwards is something that is HORRAFYING to me

wilbur begs phil to kill him, gives him a sword, invokes killza, he tells phil that he should do it because THEY all want him to, They all Want wilbur dead and phil tries to defend himself, man is fucking panicking “YOURE MY SON!” but the human mind isnt really made to... handle that kind of stress and phil never got the time to really... process the information or anything at all, at this point he might not even know about how canon deaths work since he only know schlatt died via heart attack/falling out of the world

so the mind goes into autopilot and he kills wilbur, he doesnt have time to process it because then techno goes to spawn the withers and he has to deal with that

there is some sick and wrong part of you while trying to talk someone down from suicide that just wants it to be over, that wants your own personal stress and trauma to just finally be over and for me in highschool this equated to wishing for either this person i was talking down to finally be fine and out of harms way or to just... be dead, and thats horrible its so sick and twisted of the brain to do but it would remove the pressure of being the single thread holding this persons life up and out of the abyss because at that time you are the only support system that person has

phil said that he went into the arctic to reflect and process and he prolly did but he comes back to ghostbur, and alivebur in the end wasnt the wilbur he knew but ghostbur is even less so, ghostbur is a shadow of what wilbur was and a CONSTANT reminder of what happened to him, thats why phil doesnt really... like ghostbur... he’s easily annoyed at ghostbur and snaps at him sometimes, ghostbur reminds him not only by EXISTING but by constantly telling him about how actually ghostbur is happy that phil killed alivebur and phil is never comfortable when ghostbur brings this up, replying to ghostbur in this kinda... restrained and quiet voice

i cannot blame phil for not alligning with lmanburg, that group of people twisted his son into someone that forced phil into assisted suicide and that group just kept being corrupt. Dream didnt take down the walls, phil and bad did and yet he is placed under house arrest and has to watch his best friend be executed by the president who might also be his son, he has to see his grandson, WILBURS LEGACY steal from him, force his hand again into back handedly betraying said best friend and then have the AUDACITY to claim that he still loves his grandad

and lets not beat around the bush; phil watched techno die, a totem brings you back from the dead, it doesnt shield you from the death itself so thats two of phils closest relationships killed by lmanburg, first wilbur then techno

i dont think that phil only left lmanburg because of anger against the government, i think he also left and decided to stay with techno because techno is consistent and he is safe. techno is a rock that never changes and hes strong enough to not depend on phil for carrying his emotional bagage. techno is so very predictable and hes strong enough to be able to fend for himself, phil doesnt have to worry about techno

i think tldr on phil: watching your best friend get executed right in front of you while you can do nothing is pretty fucked up but the fact that phil essentially failed to talk his son down from suicide then was forced to kill him as part of that suicide is like... deeply fucked up

moral of the story.. kinda? STOP ACTING LIKE PHIL IS A FUCKING TRAINED MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL OR EMERGENCY RESPONDER FOR SUICIDE PREVENTION my man has had his hands tied for so long and finally now hes free to hang out with his safe best friend where he can work thru that trauma

[ainti-pretty]

Hi!

What do you think about Iorveth in realationship? And can you write differences (if you think they will be), if his "love" is human or elf.

yeah! i can!

as a multishipper (heehee) ill just write for all of them bc i imagine each take place during VERY different times in his life. it also describes the relationship and that dynamic so yea. i hope this is what u wanted. oops

its also a bit long!! so there is a cut

tw: (all are mentioned and its not too in deth but be careful) death, trauma, drinking

first, id like to start of with iorveth as a youngster:

-he was probably rlly fucking hot as teen/young adult before he really got involved in the scoia'tael and got the scar and probably. slept around a lot. he probably wasnt big on commitment as he was young and maybe was in a few long(ish) term relationships but he mostly just chilled until his parents were killed by humans and he got his scar

next, onto beginnings of scoia'tael years/cedric:

-i think that iorveth and cedric joined together as friends but gradually grew closer

-but, after he got the scar i think it fucked up his self esteem so he was a lot less open with his affections

-the trauma of losing his parents and being there was. in short. not good.

-i feel like he definately got incredibly invested in the scoia'tael during this time because it and cedric were all he had

-and he dearly loved cedric, and although he had lost a ton of his self esteem, he found strength in cedric and they were a power couple for a few decades. the slept together, they cuddled, they held hands whenever they had the chance, and they truly truly loved each other very much

-until cedrics health/mental health got worse and they broke up (which broke both their hearts), and iorveth blamed himself when cedric left the scoia'tael.

moving onto ciaran:

-ciaran (as per my previous hc on him) lost his parents as a teen and was wandering around trying to get revenge on humans whenever he could for years before iorveth met him.

-naturally, iorveth fell hard.

-but, after cedric left he decided to bottle it up and ignore bc he didnt want to ""ruin"" anyone else again by being too invested in the scoia'tael.

-unfortunately for iorveth, ciaran also fell in love with him, and after years of waiting when hes second in command, ciaran confessed

-iorveth flipped the fuck out because he was like. no. that cant be possible! im unlovable and i hurt people and im just going to ruin him!

-this is partially because of what happened with cedric, and partially because ciaran (although CERTAINLY an adult), is definately younger, and iorveth thinks he deserves better than him

-he knows what hes done for the scoia'tael and knows hes not a good person, and hopes that he can scare ciaran into leaving.

-it doesnt work. and they both end up crying.

-once they are together though, there is a definate change in their relationship vibe from iorveth and cedrics. they certainly sleep together and cuddle and do all the relationship things that cedric and iorveth did, but iorveth is clearly holding something back

-they decide that while they both love each other dearly, they cannot be in a health/stable relationship with just each other because its clear that iorveth is in no way able to properly be in a relationship at that moment

-they decide to open up the relationship and thats where vernon roche comes in

yeah. vernon roche. this is where iorveth sorta has a. oh fuck its a human moment.

-as you all know, roche was the leader of the scoia'tael in flotsams greatest enemy, the blue stripes, a special forces commando designed to stop the scoia'tael.

-after having a WHOLE enemies to lovers situation, they find themselves in a situation.

-they both love each other. and they are both two war criminals who FINALLY end on the same side after years of fighting (lets just say iorveth joined for the kaer morhen fight against the wild hunt) and it seems like everything is fine

-its not.

-first of all, they both have lots and lots of issues other than that they are both war criminals:

1. iorveth has never dated a human before, let alone a man he nearly killed and has nearly killed him on many occasions.

2. iorveth feels like hes betraying the ideals of the scoia'tael along with his parents for dating a human, and this feeling hits even moreso bc its roche.

3. iorveth has loads and loads of attachment issues, and even though he and ciaran still have their thing going on (that roche is aware of and understands), he still really hasnt been in any recent relationships that havent ended in someone leaving

4. iorveth really doesnt quite understand human customs other than what he can tell from spying. he spends lots of time in the woods and knows far more about trade routes to and from flotsam than he really knows of human culture. its almost embarassing.

5. iorveth sometimes gets worried its all a ploy to get roche to kill him and that theres plans to hurt the former scoia'tael due to anti-elf racism

moving onto roches issues, which while there are less of, they dont help:

1. as a child of a sex worker and single mother, roche found himself also getting involved in sex work, which gave him consent issues bc he really did have a choice in the matter bc it was do the job or starve.

2. hes a half elf but right before he was drafted into the army he cut the tips of his ears off to make him look more human. this makes it hard for him to connect w iorveth bc he really doesnt know elf customs, but doing human customs just never felt right

3. he also has some issues from his previous relationship w foltest, which was Not Even slightly healthy, and is still trying to cope w the realization that it was worse than he thought

all of this results in a lot of miscommunication, especially because iorveth (for a long time DURING the relationship) didnt know roche was half-elf and wanted to do all the elven traditions he hadnt been able to join. they dont know what the other wants, and they dont know what the other needs because once again. issues galore. iorveth also probably would be more able to get into fights than any other relationships (because unlike ciaran or cedric, roche is abrasive) which means that there would be a lot of hurt at the beginning of it.

HOWEVER, after they actually talk, and roche is like. hey im half elf, and more than willing to do things the traditional elven way (which iorveth is far more familiar and comfortable with), they sorta get into a routine of things.

and it begins to be a secure and steady and healthy relationship.

tdlr: iorveth has shitty self worth, trust issues and struggles with communication sometimes so things get muddled but when he falls, he falls hard. but the relationships hes in are very different depending on who it is. hes more comfortable with other nonhumans, but even before knowing roche is half-elf, he would give his life for them.

[tinysatansierra-blog]

Markiplier manor is toxic here’s why

So Markiplier manor (Markipliers official discord server) has gotten a surplus of new people in it, this happened a few weeks ago the manor itself though has been up for awhile. originally a members only server it was eventually opened up for everyone and yes there are alot of genuinely good people and the mods are alright but unfortunately its becoming a toxic environment. 

SO EDIT i have discussed with the mods that being said ... im keeping this up as a reminder of we can do better we can help people who are struggling through something instead of shutting them down we can listen to people who are being oppressed and bravely point out new media that only worsens that oppression and stigmatization and not just the mods who i was kind of harsh towards but who are human everyone as a community can do better and this is a large community think of the work we can do just doing the basics like boycotting problematic content and helping those who cry out for it who need it (and noticing and shutting down manipulative/toxic behaviors) ... i dont know if im going to go back to the manor yet tho im going to let this sit give it a week yall can agree or disagree but know that if you try to be an ass your going to get shut down and your feelings are going to get hurt 

lets start with the basics “triggering topics” triggering topics can be anything in particular but it generally means a topic that relates to another persons trauma. Now while it is important to acknowledge a persons trigger words and try to keep the conversation respectable ive also noticed people use it to shut down people who come on freaking out because their dealing with a stressful situation/something traumatic just happened. This has happened to me personally and to a friend with me it was about being pro choice and having to in short make that actual choice. i was discussing this in the bathroom because i (like anyone else who comes in with baggage) did not know about any pro choice discords at that moment and was afraid of being stigmatized or going onto a discord that says its a safe space only for it to be filled with trolls. Mark manor is labeled as a safe space and many people come on there looking for support with me no one told me that the topic was triggering to them (which apparently it was because a friend of theirs had to make the choice not her herself think what you will) they just went to a mod early on when i just found the server as a member a friend (who i wont name) had gotten.... assaulted majority of her werent online and as someone who has been there and yes when she told me it did trigger my own trauma she needed moral support... the mod shut her down and deleted her comments and didnt give her a pointer to any other discord where she could discuss the topic openly and get moral support and be pointed to resources (it actually took me ten minutes to find and confirm a lgbtq therapy chat earlier this year for another individual discussing mental health) this was before i had gotten on for that day but i noticed those messages and i contacted her when she told me what was up yea it triggered my memories and its not fun but I FUCKING HELPED HER i made sure she went to the police to atleast file a statement (while the police dont always help it is good to have it on file) i even made her a plush and shipped it out to her and i would do it again and again because its not good to basically tell another person to shut up because it triggers others not without atleast trying to help them find another fucking place and making sure their actually ok and in a physical safe place  next is them claiming the manor is a “safe space” a safe space is by definition  “ a place or environment in which a person or category of people can feel confident that they will not be exposed to discrimination, criticism, harassment, or any other emotional or physical harm.” you would also think that the manor would be a safe space in the fact that marginalized and oppressed groups of people would be able to point out problematic content and have an open and free discussion about it and how it makes them uncomfortable. especially people of lgbtq community which alot of people in that chat are. yesterday (and this was what caused me to officially turn away from the server) in the patio (which is the members only chat) a Transgender individual pointed out the problematic content that is huniepop and how it fetishizes trans people as well as other minorities now this game i hear tries to make itself out as a “parody” .... its not its a sexual dating sim what would make it a parody is if sex noises were replaced with donkey sounds and the lewd pictures were replaced with poorly drawn doodles of tits or what have you its a game for incels marks hilarious when he plays it because he doesnt take the game seriously my issue isnt with him its with the developer. and if you did not know (which apparently people dont) the character poli is described as “a girl with a dick” the individual pointed this out because they felt like it dehumanizes them and paints them as nothing more than a fetish... and also apparently you can “choose” is poli is trans which kind of gives off the message that people can ignore trans peoples identity if it makes them uncomfortable... or if they dont sexualize them. and the muslim community is more or less in the same boat i come from the bible belt in usa im not muslim i am not trans but i do have a reason for standing with both and i will get to that in a bit so i was raised in a christian household in a christian setting like muslim women were basically told we cannot have sex and any sexual thought is sinful and we will be punished blah blah blah your even more closeted if your gay or bi because then you can face ... violence that being said to make the woman from the middle east hyper sexual like they did is kind of shitty even for a incel pleasing sex game. the individual who thought it would be ok to discuss this in the server because its labeled as a safe space and is generally “lgbtq” friendly thus believing he would have people agree and discuss ... was unceremoniously shut down by their peers and a mod was notified this person was not hostile maybe a bit frustrated because he wanted to talk about it and thought he would have this genuinely helpful conversation and people would listen and spread the word because to have problematic content be popular can isolate the oppressed group even more so WHEN NO ONE WANTS TO LISTEN TO THEM. if a group of marginalized people notice something problematic with content and you claim to be an ally of said group then you need to acknowledge and support what they say. they told him to go to twitter where he could potentially be bullied and written off ... because again its an INCEL PLEASING SEX GAME.(which means incels if you ever dealt with them will go and say anything to justify the game even using slurs and bullying) and to put the icing on the cake to change the topic they brought up robin ... i actually dont know who robin is as i dont really focus much on youtube creators personal stuff (it feels off for me to not personally know an individual but know their personal stuff without having actually talking to them its weird i know its a thing i have in my head) but apparently they recently came out as female and good for them im super proud of him and the patio members were discussing how they were proud of him as well for beginning to wear makeup and making themselves more feminine which would be great if they werent trying so hard to shut down the trans male who was trying to spread awareness on problematic stuff .... something he pointed out ... and something they gaslighted and said he was being hostile. really its almost as if they only care about trans issues when its someone famous discussing them  so what can we possibly do about huniepop being transphobic and the answer is very easy BOYCOTT IT like... yall were up in arms and boycotted jk rowling with snap and a turn do we only cancel the old and ugly? do we only cancel those who we dont think is funny? mark is not at fault he probably doesnt realize it and any comments made on the issue are talked down upon or drowned amongst other comments im not saying to cancel him im saying to cancel the game HARD. ignore the posts bitch at the dev demand refunds for your game. like consumers have infinitely more power than corps want to admit.  so you basically have a community that claims to be a safe space but only if you want to talk about sunshine and rainbows and its highly hypocritical of them to claim safety.  another thing is emotionally abusive/manipulative people hide in the server and the mods dont ever seem to acknowledge it. i cannot tell you how many times ive gotten into arguments with people who seems nice then turn into assholes then claim to be the victim when i or others go off on them. if you recognize my name you know i dont stand down when it comes to having a snarky or rude comment thrown at me if your going to be an ass were fighting i dont care how nice you seemed beforehand and you dont get to call a mod just because i actually stood up for myself or others sorry not sorry dont be a bitch nuff said.  now why would i care so much about problematic content? why would i care and stand by the transgender and muslim people (aside from being ya know... an actual ally and not someone who claims it for sympathy and brownie points?) its because i am autistic i am also able to function well on my own but there is a movie created by the famous singer sia it is called music it is a movie frowned upon by the autisitic community because infantizes and dehumanizes non verbal autistic people i am fortunate and unfortunate in not having to deal with much stigma unfortunate because i wasnt diagnosed until i was 17 alot of answers about my behavior could have been answered if i had been diagnosed earlier but considering society loves the quiet timid female and i functioned “well” for neurotypicals i was ignored. so yea you bet your ass im standing with them and raising awareness about huniepop and their was this one person when i mentioned this point i cant remember there name nor to do i give a shit about them because when i mentioned how autistic people ... how i was in the same boat with music by sia (again i advise that no one target the actress who was under contract target sia and please boycott her so she knows she cant get brownie points or money for a movie that stigmatizes who she claims she wants to “help” (*cough* profit off of *cough cough*) and only serves as a feel good movie for neurotypicals and ignorant people)  they said “i heard people who hated the movie i heard people who found it alright people are ALLOWED to like problematic content” ... and like ... does anyone else see the problem here? its not hard at all to boycott celebrities for making content  and im going to repeat this point  IF A GROUP OF MARGINALIZED, STIGMITIZED AND OPPRESSED PEOPLE CALL OUT SOMETHING FOR BEING PROBLEMATIC AND YOU CLAIM TO BE AN ALLY YOU FUCKING LISTEN TO THEM AND DONT SHUT THEM DOWN I DONT GIVE A SHIT YOU DONT HAVE A FUCKING EXCUSE. if you cant bring yourself to boycott a piece of media and replace it with the infinitely more suitable forms that supports the group you claim to be for your not an ally your a fucking hypocrite  and that is why i left markiplier manor i am still a youtube special ... thingy member and i will continue to be a member to support mark i want people to overall listen to those who speak up against a creator and a piece of media and listen to us all no matter how “good” something seems. .. also there is a video called listen it was created by nonverbal autistic people  and communicationFIRST a group that sia apparently communicated with for her movie... and then ignored  https://youtu.be/H7dca7U7GI8