#if high school was good for one thing it was putting you somewhere that you could awkwardly exist near other people every day

[naughtyneganjdm]

Love's Second Chance: A Holiday Reunion - Chapter 8

Summary: After an unplanned day at work, Y/N comes home to find a surprise waiting for her.

Characters: Joel Miller, the reader (OC), Negan Smith, etc.

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/60501985/chapters/155580502

Warnings: 18+, Swearing, severe angst, smut, public sex, unprotected p in v, depression, emotional characters, etc.

Notes: This is up later than normal. I was busy tonight. Happy Thanksgiving to those that celebrate! There is a nod to the TLOU games in this chapter.

What was supposed to be a vacation from work for a few weeks didn’t last very long. Today when Y/N’s boss called her asking her to come in and help with something, she was eager to go in for Carol. It wasn’t like Y/N was incredibly busy and money was money. It also gave her an extra day off somewhere in the future. It was unfortunately a long day and Y/N was just eager to come home at the end of the day. Both the children and Negan knew that she would be working, but tomorrow she would be spending it with them. Just so she could get some rest.

Even though it was something she had grown accustomed to over the last few years, coming home to a silence felt strange. Especially since she really hadn’t been alone in the last few weeks. Truthfully? She didn’t like it. Even though people always say they enjoy that alone time, for her she just liked being with someone. After four years of being lonely, the noise was just something she looked forward to.

Heading upstairs, she knew that she should have eaten something, but sleep just sounded so much better. Pushing the door open to her bedroom, a surprised sound fell from her throat when she saw that something was laid out over the top of her bed. Stepping forward, a lump grew in her throat at the brand-new dress that was before her. Involuntarily smiling, she dragged her fingers across the material. Next to it was a typed out note and a peony. Picking up the note, she started to read it with a warmth flooding into her face. 

Put the dress on. A car will pick you up at eight. Don’t ask where you’re going. Just trust me.

With a smirk, she grabbed the peony and brought it up to smell the flower. This had to be another one of Negan’s elaborate date night ideas. It was completely unexpected, but charming considering everything. Even though they both agreed that they would wait until tomorrow to get together, Negan was always spontaneous like this.

Setting aside the note and the flower, she lifted up the dress to take a look at it. It was a flowing red gown that took her breath away. A long time ago she had seen a dress like this that she had wanted, but decided not to buy it because it was on the more expensive side. Also, she really didn’t have something nice to wear it to. Bringing it close to her chest, Y/N looked to the time to see that eight wasn’t too far away. If she wanted to look nice, she would have to start getting ready now.

Taking a quick shower, she dried her hair and did as she was told putting on the dress, her makeup and some of her nicest jewelry. After getting ready, she waited downstairs wondering if she should call Negan, but instead waited. By eight there was a car waiting for her just like the note said. Getting into the car felt uncomfortable since it was a stranger that was driving her around. Silence filled the car and even though she trusted Negan, it was hard not to speak.

Should she ask the driver where they were going? She wasn’t used to things like this. But she kept quiet and just trusted the process. When they reached the local high school it confused her. The driver stopped in front of the school and it made her let out an uncomfortable sound.

“You’re supposed to go into the school,” the driver instructed looking back at her over his shoulder and it had her swallowing down hard. Sliding across the backseat, she worked opened the door. “Have a good night.”

“You too,” she gave the driver a thanking nod, closing the door once she got out. Moving up the long walkway to her old high school made her curious as to where this was headed. Entering the school brought back old memories for her. Even though she now was coming to the school as a parent for Elizabeth, this was still the school she grew up at. Usually the school would be locked up right now considering they were on holiday, but here it was lit up and welcoming for her to walk through it.

Stopping at the display cases, she looked over the trophies that were there. Gazing over the old photos of when she attended the school made her smile. The young photos of both Joel and Negan on their perspective teams drew her attention. After taking a few minutes, she wondered where she was meant to go until her eyes fell to a piece of paper that was taped to the wall. In a bold font the words ‘this way’ were written on it with an arrow pointing down the hallway.

Following the route, Y/N was amused that it led her through the hallways of the school with each sign directing her where she was meant to go. By the time she made it to the school’s planetarium, it made her head tip to the side. Opening the doors, she stepped inside to see that it was empty except for something that was on the desk at the front. There was a bouquet of flowers along with another typed out note.

Unhurriedly moving across the room, she reached for the note and grew curious with the instructions.

Sit in the front row, middle seat. Don’t move. Watch the show. 

Putting the note back on the desk, she looked around the empty room again. There was no sign of Negan. No sign of anyone really. Exhaling loudly, she did as she was told and sat down in the middle seat of the front row. Suddenly the regular lights went out and it was completely pitch black. It had been so long since she had been in this room. It was always something that she liked doing when they went here for school when they were younger. Leaning back in the seat, she lifted her head up waiting. It took a moment for the lights of the planetarium to be projected up onto the ceiling, but when they did it drew an awe from her.

They had definitely updated it since she had been here. All of the lights were bright and in a much higher quality which was no surprise. It had been a long time since she was last in this room. There was a chill in the room making her realize that she was genuinely not used to wearing dresses like this.

At this point, she half expected Negan to come into the room and join her, but she was alone for quite some time.

“I thought I’d tell you a story,” a voice spoke up causing a chill to flood her body. Looking back, she let out a shocked breath to see that two rows back Joel was sitting at the end of it. With the dimly lit room she could tell that his hair was slicked back and he was wearing a red dress shirt and a black suit jacket. “Don’t look at me, keep watching.”

“Joel?” she spoke his name with goosebumps developing over her arms. This wasn’t at all what she thought was happening. Yet it now suddenly made sense why the notes were typed and not written. “What is this?”

“Listen to me. Please,” Joel begged of her, his southern drawl growing deeper. There was something in the way that his dark eyes stared out at her that made her heart sink. “Hear my story and then if you want to ask questions, you’re free to do so.”

“Joel,” she said his name again with a frown flooding his features. Sighing loudly, she turned back around in her seat and leaned back to stare up at the ceiling of the planetarium again. Even though she didn’t know where this was headed, she listened to Joel.

“Thank you,” Joel’s voice was deep with him trying to speak loud enough and clear enough for her to still hear him. “I want to tell you the story about the first time I fell in love.”

Closing her eyes, she so badly wanted to stop him, but instead she did as he asked and kept quiet, “This story starts with me moving to this town. You know that I grew up in Texas. I never wanted to leave. Tommy and I were so mad when we had to. We didn’t want to move. We liked where we lived, but our daddy insisted that it was what was best for business. When we moved, I was pissed. I had friends that I was leaving. A place where I felt like I belonged. The first day we moved to this town, this woman came with her daughter to introduce themselves. When my mother brought me to the door to meet them, the woman’s daughter immediately blushed when she saw me. I was grumpy of course. I didn’t want to be there, so I wasn’t in the mood to be civil with strangers.”

“I know this story,” she pointed out having Joel scoff when she interrupted him. She lived this story and she knew what the outcome was. Clutching tightly to the arms of the seat, she curled her fingers around them and didn’t know why this was drawing chills down her spine.

“Not the whole story,” Joel corrected her with a grunt. “You’re supposed to stay quiet and watch the show. Listen.”

“Yes sir,” she huffed, leaning more comfortably back in her seat wondering if she would be able to get through this whole thing. This was already more than Joel spoke for the most part which was certainly different for him.

“Anyways, this girl had a crush on me from the start. I knew it. I always knew it. Every time I’d go outside to throw around a ball I could see her down the street trying to do things to impress me. And she’d show up asking me if I wanted to hang out with her and her friend. Of course, she was younger than me, so I thought I’d look stupid hanging out with a younger girl. So I’d deny her every time,” Joel recalled of his youth when he first met Y/N when they were children. Every day she would show up trying to get him to hang out, but he’d always say no. “But that girl? She never gave up. Every day she was outside, she’d try to get me to play with her and the other children. But I didn’t want to get close to the people here. I was so goddamn convinced that if I was brooding enough that my parents would take me back to where we lived before. But that girl? Even though my little brother was three years younger than her, she had no problem allowing him to hang out with her and her friends. See, back then? She was the most popular girl on the block because she was the most badass, coolest girl around. All the boys wanted to be friends with her. She played sports, knew them just as much as the boys did.”

Biting down on her bottom lip, Y/N tried to keep herself quiet while Joel told their story from his point of view, “And when my little brother started getting bullied by the dickhead living in our block, I didn’t know it at first. When I finally saw that shit stain knocking my brother off his bike, I was fully prepared to kick his ass, but that girl? She was outside playing hockey with her friends and saw it too. Beat me to it when it came to kicking that bully’s ass with her hockey stick. I was impressed. Scared. But impressed.”

“You didn’t fall in love with me then,” she noted remembering distinctly of their relationship through the years.

“You’re not a very good listener,” Joel’s Texan accent grew thicker making her laugh with him hushing her. “Anyways! That day I’m pretty sure that girl fell in love with me because I agreed to finally start hanging out with her and her friends. If she was willing to kick someone’s ass for Tommy? She was good enough to hang out with. So I became a trio with her and her best friend. For years I knew she had the biggest crush on me. It’s not that she told me she had a crush on me, but it was the way she looked at me. I never acted on it because I truthfully was scared of her. What if I pissed her off and I became her next target?”

“Joel,” she grumbled under her breath hearing his thick laugh in return.

“I’m serious! You scared the hell outta me. It was better to have you as a friend than as an enemy,” Joel declared rocking slightly in his seat watching her from afar with her still staring up at the showing of the stars above them. “But now? I’m gonna jump ahead and tell you about the time I fell in love for the first time. You see, I wasn’t the smartest student around. I was actually…kinda lazy. Instead of focusing on my education, I focused on my athletic and musical talent to get me ahead in life. For the most part? It worked. That friend of mine was in the same class as me. Even though we were best friends out of school? Sometimes I was kind of a dick since she was younger than me. So I’d sit by my friends when I reckon I should have always been spending my time with her. But one day in class, they turned off the lights and that girl? She was sitting in the front row, right in the middle. There was a light that was reflecting from the lights above that drew my attention to her. And for the first time when I looked at her, I felt my heart stop. She was smiling and it took my breath away seeing her like that. I was in the third row, on the end and I couldn’t take my eyes off her. All I wanted to look at was her.”

A loud exhale fell from her lips with her lowering her head down with Joel sweeping his thumb in over his bottom lip, “I thought it was a fluke. Something that wasn’t gonna happen again because I had never felt that way about her in all the time we had been friends. But after that moment in this very classroom, every time I saw her she took my breath away. My heart would race. I couldn’t take my eyes off her. I didn’t understand why it took me that long to finally see that she was the most beautiful girl that I had ever laid my eyes on.”

Her breathing grew louder when Joel confessed to her something she had never heard before from him with this story, “I thought I lost my chance with her because I thought she had feelings for another boy, but when I approached her at a party and I kissed her…I felt fireworks. I had kissed other girls before, but when I kissed her? I wish I could describe it. It felt like my heart stopped and at the same time like it was pounding outta my chest.”

Leaning forward in his seat, Joel rest his arms against the chair that was in front of him while he watched her listening to him, “After that moment? I knew that I needed to have her in my life always. And then when we slept together the first time? I should have made it more romantic, but I could tell by the way she looked at me that she was everything right in the world. There was always a piece of me missing, but with her? She made me whole. And after that moment? I couldn’t stand to be separated from her. Every moment I spent without her, I was in agony. That’s how I knew I met the love of my life because every minute I spent away from her I was counting the seconds until she was in my arms again. She was everything that was perfect, pure and right in the world. And me? I was a fucking mess. Which is why I always thanked the world for bringing her to me because I wasn’t used to things going right for me. When the world fell apart for me with my parents dying, she was my rock. She was my strength and she made me realize what true love really was. We didn’t mean to get pregnant, but it happened. It was scary. It was sudden. But we took it on together.”

Getting up from his seat, Joel moved to the front row with her and sat beside her, “When Ellie was born, I was blown away that I could make something so perfect. But then again? She was part of you.”

Outstretching his fingers, he stroked them over the top of her hand seeing that tears were burning at her eyes, “And when we got married, no matter how scary the world seemed at that young I knew I’d be okay because I had you by my side. Every night after Ellie was born, I’d always wake up worried about the both of you. Everything else that was good in my life left me. So I’d check on you and her because I loved you both so much.”

Against his fingertips Joel could tell that Y/N was tremoring trying to avoid getting emotional, but she still was, “And then we had a beautiful boy. We were in love with two amazing miracles that came from our love. I don’t know what happened, but I let my past cloud my judgement. I had everything any man could wish for. And I messed up. I screwed up real bad.”

By now she was crying again, but he hooked his fingers with hers tightly in a supportive squeeze, “I let you down and I’m sorry. I thought at the time I was making the right choice, but I miss you. I miss us. I miss our family. Without you? I don’t feel whole. When I had my family, I was proud. I was a man that had everything. The perfect wife. Beautiful children.”

Joel’s words lingered when he turned in the seat, reaching out with his other hand to press his fingertips in over the side of her face, “I love you Y/N. I love you so much. And I miss everything about my life before. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I made a horrible mistake. I want us to be together. I want us to fix things. And I want to spend the rest of my life making it up to you. When I lost everything with my parents, you pulled me out when I was drowning. You saved me. And you were the only person that ever felt like home to me.”

What really got her was not only was she crying at this point, but so was he, “The children want us to get back together. And I know you still love me.”

Closing the distance between them, Joel’s lips covered hers and he could taste the saltiness of her tears against his lips. Brushing his lips against hers again and again, Joel attempted to show her with everything that he had how much he loved her.

Unhurriedly, he pulled his lips away from hers and motioned her to wait for a moment. Standing to his feet, he watched her eyes follow his movements. Bending over, he picked up the guitar that she had bought him all those years ago for their anniversary. Spotting what he was holding had her breathing growing uneven and she lowered her head.

“What are you doing?” she stammered trying to wipe at her eyes with the back of her hand. Motioning her to wait, Joel dragged the chair that was in front of the desk out. Carefully lowering down into the seat, Joel strummed at his guitar a little and cleared his throat.

“It’s been a while since I’ve done this. Y’know. Play in front of someone,” Joel explained tapping his fingers against the guitar slightly. “Just alone to myself.”

Keeping her eyes locked on Joel, she heard the cords that he started playing having it take her breath away. It had been so long since she had last heard Joel play the guitar. After things it seemed like he wrote it off completely, but it was always one of the things that drew her to Joel.

“If I ever were to lose you, I’d surely lose myself. Everything I have found dear, I’ve not found by myself,” Joel seemed to stumble a bit over his words while he tried to gather himself and sing for her the song that he was drawn to when he thought of her. “Try and sometimes you’ll succeed to make this man of me. All my stolen missing parts, I’ve no need for anymore.”

Swallowing down hard, it felt like the room was spinning around her while he continued to sing in his deep rumble of a southern drawl, “I believe and I believe ‘cause I can see our future days. Days of you and me.”

Bracing her hands over the sides of the chair she was in, she felt her heart racing and her lips parting, “Back when I was feeling broken, I focused on a prayer. You came deep as any ocean. Did something out there hear? All the complexities and games, no one wins but still they’re played. All the missing crooked hearts, they may die but in us they live on.”

Sitting forward, she felt like the breath was leaving her lungs when Joel started singing the chorus again. There was a whole lot of crying with her body shaking, “When hurricanes and cyclones raged, when wind turned to dirt to dust, when floods they came or tides they raised, even closer became us. All the promises at sundown, I’ve meant them like the rest. All the demons used to come ‘round, I’m grateful that they left.”

Tightening her grip around the arms of the chair, Y/N felt lost in herself with her body tremoring, “So persistent in my ways, hey angel, I am here to stay. No resistance, no alarms. Please, this is just too good to be gone.”

As Joel came to the final chorus, Y/N pushed up from the chair and started to make her way through the planetarium toward the door with Joel fumbling through the chords, “Hey!”

“What Joel?” she turned on her heel, throwing her hands up in the air with Joel setting the guitar against the desk. Sobbing made her feel pathetic, but that’s what she was doing right now. “What is this Joel?”

“I was just trying to show you how much I loved you,” Joel reasoned with her stepping through the room, holding his hands out to plead with her not to run off. “I love you. So fucking much.”

“You are fucking with my emotions so bad,” she explained to him, her words broken with her shaking her head. “Do you know how long I waited for you to do something like this? How I prayed that you would realize that you didn’t want that divorce? Do you know how much it broke my heart that I made you miserable?”

“I made a horrible, awful mistake,” Joel stressed, still crying himself stepping before her with a frown. Joel wasn’t much of a crier, so the fact that he was crying? That took her breath away and surprised her. “I was wrong. I know what I did and I understand why you are feeling the way you are, but we’re soulmates you and I. Destined to be together.”

“I loved you so much. I tried so hard to make you happy because I knew what life stole from you,” she whimpered with Joel taking slow steps toward her. Shakily reaching out to grab his hands with hers, Joel’s thumbs stroked over the backs of her hands with him nodding. “Life was hard for me too Joel. I didn’t want this life when I was younger, but I grew to love this life because I love you so much. And if I had you, I knew I’d be okay because you were everything to me. I gave everything to make you happy.”

“I know you did,” Joel acknowledged with a firm nod of his head. “I was blind to things then, but now I see everything you did for me. No one supported me and did for me what you have. We were the perfect couple. Even this town saw it. I’ve never been good with my emotions, but with you I had them. I just closed myself off again like I did growing up. I never got to mourn the loss of my parents or the loss of my future. I had to step into the role of dad with Tommy when I was eighteen. I had to be the strong one, the cold one. Cus’ Tommy was the one that was the younger one. He’d be the one growing up without his parents. Cheated from a life that I did get. Then I became a dad not long after. I lost myself and I hurt you.”

“I’m sorry Joel,” she shook her head, attempting to leave only to have Joel reach out to pull her to him. Having her fall in against his chest, Joel palmed in over the side of her face drawing her lips to his again. Passionately he kissed her, his fingers curling around the back of her neck with each caress growing hungrier between them.

“Please, I love you so much,” Joel stammered against her lips, walking forward to lead her toward the wall. Pressing her back against it, Joel was eager to kiss her as intimately as possible. With her melting in against him, he could tell that she was falling for it further.

Allowing his kisses to tamper off over her jawline had her palming down over the center of his chest. Sliding his hand down over the side of her body, Joel took his time calming her knowing that she was emotional. Pressing his body in closer to hers, Joel swept his fingers down over the exposed part of her shoulder and pulled back slightly. Hovering his lips over hers, he knew that she was still emotional with him drawing his thumb across her bottom lip. Kissing at the pad of his thumb, her eyes came to a tight close having Joel’s pulse leaping in his throat.

Tugging at the material of the bottom of her dress, Joel got it hiked up enough to reach for her panties beneath pushing them down her legs. His Adam’s apple bounced in his throat when they dropped to her ankles. Curling his arm under her thigh, he lifted her leg and slid his fingers underneath her knee. Adjusting her other leg allowed her to step out of the material and he licked his lips.

“Just give me another chance,” Joel whispered, his forehead pressing against hers. Lowering her leg back, Joel reached for her hands and hooked his fingers with hers. Leading them to his belt had her letting out a tremoring breath. “I know you still love me and I still love you. The two of us are meant to be together.”

Dragging his thumb across her bottom lip, Joel teased her with the idea of kissing her. At first her fingers dragged across his belt and he could see the contemplation in her eyes, “It’s okay.”

Shakily pulling apart his belt, she tugged at the material and then undid the button in his pants. Pulling down the zipper was all he needed to know that this was okay. Bringing their lips together again, Joel kissed her and pressed his body in closer to hers.

“There is no one that makes me feel the way you do,” Joel slurred against her bottom lip, peppering it with wet kisses. In his arms, her body was tremoring and there were no doubts about the way that she felt toward him. “Nothing hurt more than seeing you crying the other day knowing it was because of me. Because I love you. I love you so much and I hate that I did what I did. I regret it every day.”

“How do I know that this isn’t like the other times?” she whimpered, her head tipping back with Joel starting to kiss down over her jawline. Closing her eyes, she purred out at the sensation of his lips caressing at her flesh. After so long together, Joel knew exactly what to do to get her to turn to mush in the palm of his hand.

“Does this feel like the other times?” Joel inquired, cupping her face in the warmth of his hands. Sweeping his thumbs against her face, Joel leaned into nuzzle his nose in against hers. “I mean what I say Y/N. I’m lost without you. You’re all I can think about. I go to sleep thinking about you. I wake up thinking about you…”

Crying out, she bit down on her bottom lip when Joel’s hand palmed in between her thighs. Swallowing down hard, Joel was quick to push his pants down to the bottom of his waist. Bracing his weight, Joel picked her up in his arms and pressed her firmly back against the wall. Getting her to wrap her legs around his waist, Joel’s eyelids grew heavy with her right arm wrapped around his shoulders and her left hand brushing through his hair.

“All I see is you…” Joel whispered, capturing her lips with his again. Each kiss grew stronger with his hips faintly bucking up against her. Breaking away for a moment, Joel lowered his head releasing a grunt when he lined his body up with her entrance. Sinking unhurriedly into the warmth of her body had his lips parting, a small whine escaping her throat with him entering her again. It was so hard for Joel not to fall apart right then and there. Maybe it was from all the emotions, but just having the warmth of her surrounding him again had his heart racing. There was a sense of euphoria that flooded into her features with her head tipping back. Starting to roll his hips from under her, Joel had her body bouncing upward with every thrust that he made. Hovering his lips over hers, the warmth of his breath had chills running down her spine. A rumble of a growl escaped his throat with her fingertips tugging at his dark hair. “We were made for one another. No matter what the world throws at us, it’s always gonna lead me back to you and you back to me.”

Unsteadily breathing, Joel nuzzled his nose in against the side of her neck with her wrapping her arms around his shoulders to brace herself. Wincing, Joel’s thrusts were slow and steady. Unlike the last time where he completely had his way with her. More than anything he wanted this to mean something. To be special in a way that the last few times hadn’t been between them. He wanted to show her that he loved her. That she was special to him.

“I love you,” Joel slurred against the side of her neck, grunting with his thrusts growing harder. Faint gasps escaped her lips with her caressing her fingers against his scalp. More than anything, he wanted to hear her say it back in the moment. Tipping his head back just enough, Joel’s dark eyes linked with hers. Pressing his forehead against hers. “Tell me you love me.”

“Joel,” she panted, her eyes closing shut tightly with his thrusts becoming more prominent. Clinging tightly to him, she whined out his name.

“Please,” he begged, nibbling at her bottom lip with their bodies moving together in unison.

“I love you,” she whispered, her eyes fluttering to an open with his movements coming to a halt. Joel’s beautiful eyes gazed over her lips and she knew by his expression that it was everything that he wanted to hear.

Carefully lowering one of her legs down to the ground, he hooked his arm underneath it while keeping the other leg wrapped firmly around his hips. Pressing closer to her, this helped Joel’s movements become steadier, more fluid. After hearing her say the words that he asked of her, Joel couldn’t stop kissing her. Flooding her with all the passion that he had inside of him.

“You are so beautiful,” Joel whispered against her earlobe after he broke away from their kisses allowing them to now trail over her jawline. “You’ve always been so beautiful.”

Drawing her back to him with his kisses, Joel’s thrusts grew unsteady with her breaths growing sharp against his, “I want to be the reason you smile again. I want to be the reason you’re happy, not the reason that you’re miserable.”

Settling his free hand in over the small of her back, Joel’s winces grew louder with every thrust. Whimpering, her head dropped back against the wall allowing him to kiss down over the side of her neck. Nipping at her chin, Joel growled out and felt his body tensing up.

“I miss you so much,” Joel captured her lips in a lingering kiss, plunging his manhood into her with uneven movements. His thrusts became more desperate. His body tensing up beneath her while she rocked her hips against his movements.

Dropping his left hand, he cupped her bottom in his grasp. Her cries grew louder, vibrating against his lips as he stole kiss after kiss from her. Soon his thrusts slowed down but were extremely prominent with the warmth of his release starting to fill her. Groaning out, Joel bit faintly at her bottom lip as he continued to buck up against her until his movements came to a complete halt.

Falling in against her, Joel’s breathing was loud and uneven. Usually she wasn’t this quiet during or after things, but it seemed like she was trying to catch her breath with their bodies still pressed together. Lowering her leg, Joel grunted when he felt her pressing into his stomach. By the pressure she was able to get him to step back. With his body pulling from hers, it had her eyes coming to a tight close. Trying to gather herself, she started pushing at the material of her dress doing her best to get it back into place. Once she did, she fell back against the wall, sliding down it until she was sitting completely on the floor.

“Y/N?” Joel breathed out her name, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion. Noticing the expression over her face, Joel realized it wasn’t all that happy and he started to work his pants back up over his body. Pushing his softening length back into his pants, Joel adjusted himself before zipping the material together. Buttoning his pants, Joel left the belt unhooked when he lowered down in beside her. Both of their breathing was labored and he didn’t know what to say. Truthfully? The silence was eating away at him.

“There are no cameras in here, right?” she wondered, looking around the classroom to see if there were cameras that were there. In the past, she knew that there wasn’t, but it had been a very long time since they went to school here.

“No,” Joel shook his head, shakily brushing his fingers through his hair surprised that it was the first question she asked him.

“And no one was here to see that?” she seemed worried that they would have been caught having sex in the middle of the school.

“It’s just us in here right now. The guy that runs this program owed me a favor. Taught me how to use it and then the janitor let me into the building. I got permission to do this whole thing,” Joel explained to her the process of what he had to do in order to have this moment with them. Waving his hand about in the air, Joel felt his chest tightening when it looked like she was still upset with him. “I have keys to lock up afterwards.”

“We shouldn’t have done that here,” she stammered, her eyes staring out toward the seats in the distance.

“It’s not the first time we had sex in this building. The two of us would sneak off all the time when we were younger,” Joel reminded her with a weak smile, nudging her slightly with his arm, but it didn’t have the kind of reaction that he was hoping from her. “Y/N? What’s wrong?”

“This isn’t fair Joel,” she responded, staring out into the room refusing to look at him in that moment. Shakily, her fingers brushed back her hair. Right now? She seemed to be more upset than she was before all of this. “I waited four years for you to decide that you made a mistake. So many nights I laid awake thinking that you would show up on the doorstep apologizing about the mistake that you made. And when you’d show up to sleep with me, I’d think that was it, but it never was. You know that I love you and you know how to play me like a fiddle. Hell, like you said I’ve been in love with you since I was a child.”

“I didn’t…” Joel started to defend himself, but she held her hand up in the air to stop him from talking any further. By what she was saying, it felt like she thought he was doing the same kind of thing with her right now and that wasn’t the case at all.

“I am so fucking broken because I love you,” she declared with a whimper, reaching up to wipe at her eyes knowing that he was confused with her response. “Whether you like him or not, Negan is the perfect guy. Wants me to be happy. Goes out of his way to make me feel good. And I just had sex with you because the girl in me that is head over heels in love with you has been waiting to hear everything you just said for so long.”

Her hands were trembling as she spoke, the look in her eyes miserable when she turned to look at Joel with a newfound sadness that caused that ache at the center of his chest to grow further, “I can’t help, but think that you only did this because now there is someone else that genuinely cares about me. For so long it was only you, but now that there is Negan…”

“That’s not true,” Joel refuted with a frown outstretching his hand to curl his fingers in underneath her jaw to get her to look at him. “It’s not true because we started this back at the village and I didn’t even know Negan was there.”

“Joel, that day at the village was just like all the other times we’ve slept together since we’ve been separated. You’d come to me when you were horny and you wanted to get laid. You’d say exactly what I needed to hear or wanted to hear and I’d fall for it every time,” she reminded him hearing Joel huffing out and out of the corner of her eyes she noticed the way that his face scrunched up. “Why wait to do this until after Negan? If you missed me, if you loved me, why wait until now?”

“I don’t know, but it’s not because of Negan,” Joel declared placing his hand in over the center of his chest to stress his sincerity. “And I didn’t only come to you to sleep with you because I was horny and I wanted to get laid.”

“You always left before the children came home or woke up Joel when we’d sleep together in the past,” she hissed, her eyes full of tears again when she turned her head to stare out at him. Seeing her hurt again was tearing his heart out because he thought what he had just done was everything she needed to hear. Shaking her head, she tried to gather her emotions but she was having a hard time doing that. Misery was flooding throughout Joel’s whole body with no idea how to fix all of this. “I think right now you truly believe that you love me. That I’m the one for you. But I think it’s because before now, I was always an option. Someone that was here waiting for you to realize your mistake. Now that I have Negan in my life? I think you’re panicking. So you’re feeling these emotions so strongly.”

“I understand why you would think that,” Joel threw his hands out in a pleading motion, “but I started feeling this way long before Negan showed up. The day we did our gingerbread family I…” Joel swallowed down hard knowing that this was going to sound creepy. “When I went upstairs, I saw that the door to our bedroom was open. I went in there and I crawled into our bed. Laid in my spot because I missed it Y/N. I missed you then.”

“Then why didn’t you do all of this then?” she whimpered, her voice breaking after she asked him that question. So many thoughts were flooding through his mind, but he couldn’t focus on the right one that he knew would get her to believe him. “I don’t think you’re evil or purposely out to hurt me Joel. I don’t even think you did this purposely. I think it was your fear that I might not be here as a backup that has you acting out like this. You’re a good man Joel Miller, and I’ve always known that. But? You’re just not good for me.”

“Tess and I broke up because I was still in love with you,” Joel confessed to her, his eyebrows furrowing when he tried to appeal to her. “She wanted more from me, but I couldn’t give it to her because my heart…it still belonged to you. I was just pretending with everyone else because I thought I had to experience what I didn’t when I was a kid, but I realized it was you that I wanted to be with.”

“Joel, we slept together when you were with Tess. You could have left her at any time and I would have welcomed you back with open arms,” she defended her actions right now with being so upset. “It’s so hard to believe what you are saying right now.” 

“Because I hurt you in the past, that’s what you’re focusing on, but it’s not true,” Joel promised, his voice broken when he desperately shook his head from side to side. “You’re it for me. I know you are. And I’ve felt this way for a while. Before Negan even showed up because at the village…”

“You fucked me so hard that I felt it all night and into the morning,” she interrupted him having him go silent with his defense. “There was no romance there. You wanted to have raunchy dirty sex and I don’t think you cared who I was in that moment. You fucked me so hard Joel and it wasn’t sex from a man that loved me. It was a man that wanted to use my body to get a release. One that he likely hadn’t had in a while.”

Groaning out, Joel buried his head into his hand and felt his body shaking, “I’m lonely and I miss you Y/N.”

“I believe that you’re lonely,” she agreed with him having his saddened chocolate brown eyes meeting hers when he turned his head to gaze out at her. “You know, the day you told me you wanted a divorce is the day that you left. I remember thinking back then you were just stressed out and overwhelmed. I just thought you were saying it to say it. To scare me into thinking I was actually going to lose you. I thought you just needed some time to calm down. So I let you go with Tommy. I never cried harder than I did that night. And when you came to get your things, I begged you to reconsider. I didn’t understand the mistake I had made. What I did wrong. I gave up my life just like you did. The second we got divorced, Tess suddenly showed up…”

“I didn’t cheat,” Joel started to fight watching her nod her head. “I didn’t!”

“I believe you, but it didn’t stop you from finding someone as soon as we got divorced,” she recalled the pain that she felt when he was with Tess. How quickly he had found someone else always broke her heart. “You threw Tess in my face every chance you could. Maybe you didn’t even mean it. Maybe you loved her so much that…”

“I never told Tess that I loved her,” Joel interrupted her shaking his head when she rambled about his ex that he had broken up with months ago. “I never did.”

“Does that even matter? You still chose to be with her over me. It killed me to see you with her, but I didn’t try to break the two of you up. When you came to me, I thought you were picking me and you would come back to me. I was a bad person when I slept with you when you were with her,” she condemned herself thinking about some of the worst moments of her life. Back then she was so desperate to have Joel back that she would have done anything to make him happy. “Right now, I believe you firmly think that you love me and you want to be with me again, but I know how you were when you were with me and I’m not your happiness.”

“I’m nothing without you,” Joel pled as she pulled herself up into a standing position. Looking up at her with misery in his eyes, Joel threw his hands up in the air. “My heart breaks every day I wake up and you’re not in my arms. I miss when it was the four of us. Waking up, having breakfast with the four of us…my heart yearns for that. I want to be with you with everything that I am. My chest fucking hurts when I think about you because I love you and I’m heartbroken.”

“You don’t know what heartbroken is,” she scoffed, lowering her head when Joel started to sob where he was seated. “You know what? That was mean. I’m sure you do. But not when it comes to me,” she went to leave with Joel reaching for her hand again, but she forcefully pulled it away from him. “Don’t!”

“Please,” Joel got to his knees, holding his hands up in a begging motion. “Please give me another chance. I can prove it to you. Don’t do this to me. Please?”

“Do you think I like seeing you like this? I love you Joel and I have loved you all along. I will always love you Joel, but you shattered my heart. You broke it so bad that I don’t even know if I can ever piece it back together,” she whimpered, her sobs drawing her words to slur together. “Do you remember how you got me to sign the divorce papers?”

Dropping his head, Joel bit down on his bottom lip and his hands fell at his sides into fists, “You told me that you were suffering. That every day you were with me you woke up wanting to kill yourself because you hated your life so much. You told me that the only chance you had at being happy was trying to do something new with your life. What happens if we get back together and I wake up one day to find that you aren’t here because of me? Because I make you that miserable.”

“You’re the only thing that holds me together,” Joel stated with something that resembled a whine. Right now Joel looked defeated on his knees before her. “Nothing I say is going to make you take me back. Is it? I’ll never be good enough for you.”

“You were always good enough for me,” her bottom lip trembled, lowering down before Joel to trace her fingers over the hard lines of Joel’s face. “Joel Miller, I’m going to love you until the day I die. Nothing will change that because I love you so much. But I will never forget the things you told me. And I think the healthiest thing for the both of us is to stay apart. We’re toxic together Joel. I don’t make you happy. And I love you enough to know that. But you’ll never lose me. I’ll always be in your life. With our children? We’ll never be out of each other’s lives.”

Bracing her hands against his shoulders, she caressed over them and leaned forward to bring their lips together in a tender sweep. When she pulled away, Joel’s palm caressed down over the side of her face, “It’s not a question of if I love you Joel. We both know that I do. It’s just knowing what’s best for the both of us.”

Nuzzling her nose in against his, she stroked her fingers over the side of his face taking a moment to comfort him with him so upset. Shakily standing to her feet had his dark eyes lifting to watch her back step toward the door.

“Let me take you home,” Joel reasoned with her, going to get up but she was quick to shake her head. Guilt was eating away at him, his whole body aching after the way this turned out. “No one is here to drive you home. You’re only wearing that dress. You’re gonna get sick.”

“I’m stronger than I look,” she shrugged her shoulders letting out a long sigh knowing right now she felt like she needed an incredible amount of punishment for everything she did tonight not only to Joel, but also what she did to Negan. “I’ll call Tommy and let him know what happened so he can expect you home soon.”

“Something tells me even if I asked you not to, you still would,” Joel commented, lowering back down to his ass letting out a long huff when he wiped at his tear-stained face. “So do whatever you have to do I ‘spose.”

Standing at the doorway, Y/N felt her chest aching seeing how devastated Joel looked, but at the end of the day she knew this was the best for the both of them.

----

At first it sounded like a faint knocking sound that awakened Negan from his slumber. It was late into the middle of the night and he was barely awake. Turning his head, Negan groaned out and buried his head into his pillow further. Hoping to drown out the sounds. Right now he was at the home he had rented to stay in town for the holidays. Truthfully? The house was incredibly noisy and he figured it was because it was an older home. Over the last couple of weeks, Negan had gone back and forth between this rental and his mother’s home so he wasn’t completely used to this place yet. That sound? He just thought it was old pipes.

Gradually the sounds started to get louder which had Negan pushing his hands into the bed to sit up slowly. Rubbing his hand down over his face, it took a minute for him to realize that it was someone knocking. Gazing over at the time, he let out a stressed breath seeing that it was way too late for someone to be at his home. Then again, when he was at his other places he never put it past a fan to try to show up at his home unannounced.

Getting up slowly, he stumbled through the darkness of the bedroom. Flicking the light on helped just enough but hurt his tired eyes. Rubbing at them, he yawned and made his way down the hallway toward the front door. Stepping in front of the door, he looked out the window after struggling to push away the curtain covering the door.

Suddenly, his heart kickstarted in his chest when he realized who was standing outside his door. Pulling it open, Negan clung tightly to the door and felt his heart racing, “Y/N, what the hell are you doing?”

Instead of saying anything, she just stood before him silent. Visibly freezing and standing before him in nothing but a red gown. Reaching out, his warm hands grabbed a hold of her wrists that were dropped down at her sides. Urging her into his rental home, Negan closed the door behind them. Palming up over her arms toward her shoulders, Negan realized that her flesh was freezing beneath his touch.

“You’re freezing. What’s going on?” Negan questioned, motioning her to wait a moment. Moving over toward the couch, he swiftly grabbed the blanket that he had left there earlier. Rushing back to her, he wrapped the blanket around her shivering body. Caressing it over her shoulders, he tried to get her to warm up. “Did you walk all the way here wearing just that?”

“Yeah,” she was honest causing an immediate worry to fill Negan’s eyes. Stumbling over to the fireplace, Negan worked quickly to get the fireplace started. Guilt ate away at her knowing that Negan was doing everything in his power to get the fire started for her as fast as he could. “You don’t have to worry about this Negan. I need to talk to you.”

“And we’ll talk once we get this fire started, get you some new clothes and something hot to drink,” Negan grunted after he finally got the fire lit. Moving around her, Negan dragged one of the chairs in the living room close to the fireplace. Grabbing her hands in his, Negan led her toward the chair and got her to sit down. Right now she was uncontrollably shivering, but she didn’t care about herself. Attempting to stand up had Negan shaking his head and forcing her back down. “Stay!”

Instead of fighting, she obeyed and heard him rushing down the hallway. Shuffling sounds were heard and it didn’t take long for him to be running back into the living room. Holding some clothes out to her, Negan saw her eyeing them over. For some reason she wasn’t taking them evoking a grunt from his lips. Lowering down, Negan pulled the blanket carefully from her body after he set the clothes aside. Hooking his arms underneath her armpits, Negan was gentle in the way that he pulled her up to her feet. Using his strength, Negan made sure that she was comfortably on her feet before he started to work the dress from her body.

Nothing about this was sexual. If anything? He was incredibly caring and sweet in the way that he was helping her. Getting the damp material from her body seemed to be his number one priority. And once he did? The material dropped to the ground with a wet thud. Even though she was naked, Negan didn’t take advantage of it. Instead he motioned her to lift her arms up for him. When she did, he helped pull one of his heavier sweatshirts down over her upper half. Grabbing his boxer shorts that he snagged from his dresser, Negan helped get each leg through before pulling them up her body. Once he was done, he did the same thing with a pair of his sweatpants and was unhurried in the way that he tied the knot in them.

“Come here,” Negan wrapped her up in his arms as soon as he was done. Holding her tightly to him, Negan was doing his best to warm her up. She was still shivering and he was worried about her.

“Did something happen?” Negan asked and by the tone of his voice she knew that he thought something horrible had happened to her. “Do I need to call someone? Do we need to go to the hospital?”

“No,” she muttered, burying her head against his shoulder. Even though it was warm, her body was still having a hard time warming up. It was an involuntary action of her body that was craving the warmth of his body against hers as she cuddled in closer to him. “I did this to myself Negan. I walked here from the high school. It was my own choice.”

“The high school?” Negan repeated, tipping back enough to stare down at her with a strained expression. “Why were you at the high school. No, fucking scratch that. Why did you walk all the way from the high school through the freezing weather in the snow to this fucking house? You should have called me. I would have picked you up.”

“I was punishing myself,” she spoke quietly having his head tip to the side. His eyebrows furrowed with his lips parting. It looked like he wanted to say something, but when he went to he stopped himself because he didn’t understand. “I’m a horrible person Negan. For so many reasons.”

“No you’re not,” Negan denied that statement immediately, shaking his head with him cupping her face in the warmth of his palms. 

“I am,” she insisted having Negan scoff at her stubbornness. They probably could have gone back and forth like children at this point. It was late. She was freezing. They were both tired, but the worst of it was that she was emotional in all of this.

“You’re not a terrible person. And whatever you think you’ve done wrong, it’s not worth getting sick and dying when you have two children that need you,” Negan reminded her of Elizabeth and Peter who were likely at Joel and Tommy’s home. In her mind, all Y/N could picture was Joel coming home miserable to the children. If they knew how devastated she made their father, she was certain that they would hate her for tonight. Their father was everything to them. And she broke Joel’s heart. Instead of responding, a cry fell from her lips. Worried about her, Negan shook his head and motioned her to sit back down. “Stay here.”

“Negan,” she tried to call out to him after he had helped her back into the seat. There was some clanking coming from the kitchen. With him gone, she could focus on the warmth of the fire surrounding her. It was something her body needed as she wrapped the blanket around her shoulders, pulling it close. Cuddling it closer to her body, she closed her eyes and tried to focus on anything other than how Joel sobbed because of her tonight. The sound of footsteps dragging across the floor was heard drawing her eyes to open. In her face was a mug that Negan was holding out to her. With an expecting glance, Negan nodded down toward it and cleared his throat. He wasn’t going to take no for an answer. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Negan responded after she took the mug from him. Not drinking the warm liquid inside, she allowed the glass to warm her hands. That felt better than anything in the moment. Finally looking Negan over, she noticed that he was shirtless and he was in a pair of gray boxer briefs. His right knee had a compression sleeve over it that made her throat go dry. “Are you going to tell me what happened?”

“You’re limping and you’re wearing your brace,” she avoided his question, her eyes gazing him over with him glaring down at her. Folding his arms in front of his chest, Negan’s stare made her remember all over again what it was like when he would get upset with her when they were younger. Right now? She was more worried about him. “Does your knee hurt?”

“Yeah, after tearing my ACL it doesn’t feel all that good in the cold weather,” Negan responded lowering his head to stare down at the brace that his doctor gave him to wear to help him heal with his injury. “Now how about you start talking to me about what’s going on? Why did you almost kill yourself walking here like you did?”

“Because I deserve worse?” she was getting emotional with Negan’s features softening. That was the last thing she wanted from Negan right now. Empathy was not something she deserved after what she did tonight. “I did something really bad.”

“Listen,” Negan groaned out as he lowered down to his knees to kneel before her in the chair she was seated in. Even though he was trying to hide it, Negan winced when he got down onto his knees. Trying to hide the pain from her. “Whatever you did? It’s not worth you freezing to death.”

There were tears burning in her eyes when she lowered her head forcing herself not to look at him. He was so tender and caring with her that she knew it would be hard to even tell him what had happened. Lacking bravery, she swallowed down hard and felt her body trembling.

“Did you kill someone?” Negan inquired with a simple shrug of his shoulders. With how shaken up she was, Negan felt like he was going to have to guess what had happened. “The rental has a shovel. Fuck, if you tell me where the body is I can help you bury it.”

“Knock it off,” she snorted hating that she laughed at his suggestion. Staring down at the hot chocolate that he had made for her, she felt an overwhelming sense of guilt eating away at her. 

“Did someone hurt you?” Negan was quiet in the way that he asked her. By the tone of his voice, she knew that he was asking if someone assaulted her and she shook her head. If anything? She was the bad one for what she had done to Joel. “If someone hurt you, I’ll fucking kill them.”

“Negan,” she carefully set her mug aside, making sure that it wouldn’t spill before turning her attention back to Negan. Sliding forward in the chair, she shakily reached up to cup Negan’s face in her hands. Even though his face was warm, he didn’t turn away from her cold touch because he was too concerned for her. “You have always been perfect. And I haven’t.”

“I’m the furthest thing from perfect,” Negan breathed out, his long eyelashes fluttering to a close with her touching him. Turning his head into her palm, Negan deposited a kiss over the inside of her wrist which had her shuddering. “If you knew half of the bad shit about me, you probably wouldn’t be here right now. I’m not a good man.”

“I wouldn’t care what you’ve done,” she alerted him having his eyes lazily open with him staring out at her longingly. “You’ve always been my hero. The best part of me and I’ve let you down every time. I’ve hurt you so many times…”

“Hey…” Negan lifted up further with her crying harder, clear tension in his features from the pain that he was feeling in his knee but he was risking it to check on her. “What happened?”

“You’re not going to want to be around me after I tell you,” she insisted with a whimper knowing that what she had done tonight was a sure way to lose everything that she had just gained with Negan. It broke her heart to know, but what happened tonight happened. There was no avoiding it. He needed to know what she had done with Joel. Even though she considered what happened with Joel tonight a ‘goodbye’, it still happened when she was having the relationship that she had started with Negan. What hurt the most about this whole thing is that she slept with Joel knowing that she had a good thing going with Negan.

“Let me be the judge of that,” he suggested, tipping his head from side to side. Lifting up, he grabbed her hands and squeezed them tightly. “I want us to be as honest as possible with each other. So just say whatever you need to say.”

“I came home from work tonight to see a peony, a dress and a note at the center of my bed,” she began, forcing herself to keep her eyes locked on Negan. Hearing that had the lines in Negan’s forehead becoming more visible. “The note told me to be ready by a certain time. That a car would pick me up…I thought it was you. It was just like something you would have done.”

“Okay,” Negan waited for more information, still stroking his fingers over the back of her hands.

“The car drove me to the high school and there were these signs that led to the planetarium. Another note told me to sit in the front row and the lights started up,” she recalled everything that happened knowing that she should have just blurted out what she did, but she was going into far more details than need be. “It was beautiful. I waited for you to come out, but then I realized it was Joel that did it.”

“Oh, I see where this is going,” Negan nodded his head about, biting down on his bottom lip. “It’s okay.”

“You don’t even know what I’m going to say,” she countered having Negan’s Adam’s apple bounce in his throat. With a simple shake of his head, Negan exhaled loudly and she found herself surprised by his immediate response. “He did this really romantic speech about the first time he fell in love with me. And then he sang me this song…”

There were more tears growing from her eliciting a hushing sound from Negan who outstretched his hand to caress over the side of her face to sweep away the tears, “It’s okay. I understand. Joel is your ex-husband and I know you still love him. If you are back with him, I’ll just deal with it. I got to have you for a very short amount of time, but it was better than never having you.”

“Negan,” she frowned hating that he was being so polite about things. “We had something going and I slept with Joel…”

“What do you want me to say?” Negan’s face was scrunched up, his voice raspier than normal. “Do you want me to yell at you? Because we weren’t putting a label on whatever this was. I knew how you felt about Joel and…”

“I’m a bitch,” she snapped at Negan who snickered. Frustration flooded her veins with him drawing his tongue out across his bottom lip.

“And I’m an asshole,” Negan declared, slowly releasing her hands and throwing his arms up in the air. “So what? I can’t be mad at you for being in love with Joel. You were married to him for a long time and you’ve been in love with him for so much fucking longer. You don’t have to cry over the fact you’re back together with Joel. I’m gonna care about you regardless.”

“I’m not back together with Joel,” she sighed loudly, lifting her hands to wipe at her face again. There was no doubt that she looked terrible right now, but she didn’t care. “I broke his heart too. I think by allowing us to sleep together he thought I would give us another chance. I didn’t. We’re toxic together and I know that. I told him that. I told him that I only wanted to be friends with him.”

Arching his eyebrow in curiosity, Negan’s jaw clenched hearing her starting to cry harder, “I did to you what I did when we were younger. I fell for Joel’s lure he has on me again and I slept with him. I cheated on you.”

“You didn’t cheat on me when we weren’t officially dating,” Negan hinted shaking his head and dragging his fingers through his short beard. “I mean…if that’s the case, I cheated on you too.”

“You slept with someone else?” she was surprised to hear that having Negan’s head movements being incredibly dramatic. “Who?”

“I didn’t technically sleep with anyone. But I jerked off this morning thinking about Lucille,” Negan answered eliciting a groan and an eye roll from her. “I was in the shower, it was morning, my dick was hard. I jerked off thinking about her, so technically I cheated on you too if you’re counting sleeping with Joel as cheating.”

“You’re such a fucking liar,” she grumbled under her breath having Negan crack a big cheesy smile. She didn’t know what she was expecting from Negan, but it certainly wasn’t this. What she thought she deserved was to be treated like shit. Thrown out of the house and to never be contacted again. But instead? He was doing his best to make her smile. “It’s not at all the same thing.”

“I was imagining my fist was a pussy, so I mean…” Negan reasoned with her having her drop her head back against the chair in frustration. “A nice, tight, wet pussy.”

“You’re not helping this. You should be furious with me,” she snorted noticing that he was doing the motion of jerking off with his hand. With how big the gesture was it had her laughing out again. “Stop! You’re making me laugh.”

“I mean, it shouldn’t make you laugh. It’s that big,” Negan pointed to his hand smiling himself when she pushed his hand aside. “Come on. I don’t give a shit that you slept with Joel. I mean, I care. But I’ve been losing out to Joel my whole life. I’ve come to expect it. And we really didn’t make it official between the two of us,” Negan listed off the many reasons that he decided he couldn’t be mad at her. “If Lucille walked through that door and jumped me, I would crumble at the knee and have sex with her,” Negan considered what he said and he cleared his throat. “Then I’d have to consider the fact that I likely just had sex with a zombie, but I’d still hit it.”

“Jesus Negan,” she shoved into his shoulder having him snorting. Dropping back onto his ass, he stretched out his legs and braced his weight on his palms behind him on the floor. “You are everything I want. You’re everything I’ve longed for from Joel for years. You make me happy. You make me so fucking happy…”

“Then what’s the problem?” Negan stammered, his hazel eyes trying to figure out what was going on right now. There was so much going on inside of her head and Negan knew that she was torturing herself with her thoughts. “What is it you want Y/N?”

“You need to yell at me,” she demanded having Negan sigh loudly. “Yell at me. Get furious.”

“Why?” Negan wasn’t sure why that would help her in the position that she was in. “Is it going to help you to have me scream at you?”

“No, but it’s what I deserve. Because you are so fucking perfect,” she stressed, her words lingering a little long because of the way she was crying. “So please, just scream at me. Yell at me. Do something other than try to make me feel better.” 

“How fucking dare you,” Negan spoke in a fake, condescending tone. “Your ex-husband that you are still very much in love with did something romantic and you ended up sleeping with him because of it. I’m fucking furious with you.”

“Negan!” she hissed at him having Negan roll his eyes dramatically. Instead of being angry with her, he was giving her an excuse for what she did. That’s not what she wanted at all because she felt like a terrible person for all of this.

“I am so fucking mad at you!” Negan raised his voice, his face scrunching up. Once his features softened, he threw his right hand up and waited for her response. “Was that better? Did you like me yelling at you?”

“Not really,” she was honest hearing him laugh. Biting down on his bottom lip, Negan sighed and took a long pause to think about what he was going to say.

“If you wanted me to scream at you endlessly and have a fucking shit fit, I’m not gonna,” Negan declared pressing his right hand in over his chest. “I understand. I get being in love with someone. I am kinda fucking pissed at Joel for letting you leave looking like that though.”

“I broke his heart,” she replied back blowing off the idea that Joel did anything wrong. “He offered to drive me home, but I just shattered his soul by telling him that I don’t think we should be together and that we were only meant to be friends.”

Considering everything that had been laid out before him, Negan pulled his legs up and wrapped his arms around his knees, “So now what?”

“What do you mean?” she watched him uncomfortably expecting something so much different to be happening right now.

“I mean what now?” Negan repeated himself, but he could tell that she had a hard time understanding things. “Do you want to get back with Joel?”

“I can’t,” she answered with a loud swallow reaching for her hot chocolate since her hands started to get cold again. “Joel may think he wants to get back with me, but he doesn’t remember how sad and broken he was when we were together. I made him miserable. And he broke my heart. We’re not good together. We made two beautiful babies, we made a life with each other, but he broke it off four years ago. He had four years to show me that he felt this way, but he never did.”

“Do you want to stop having something with me?” Negan brought his finger to the middle of his chest pointing at himself. 

“You shouldn’t want to still have something with me,” she reminded him getting his nose to wrinkle up in irritation.

“That doesn’t answer my question,” Negan stressed, patting his chest with his whole hand. “Do you still want to be with me?”

“I hurt you,” she reiterated what she had done having Negan mutter something under his breath. “What?”

“Do you like spending time with me?” Negan inquired noting the way her features softened. Nodding her head, she bit down on her bottom lip and looked away from him. There was that guilt again. “Do you like having sex with me?”

“Negan,” she frowned letting out a small laugh. Why did he have to make a serious situation so lighthearted by the way he acted and said things?

“Answer the questions,” Negan demanded, his voice stronger than he had been most of the night.

“Yes,” she didn’t know where this would get them. Thinking about her answer, Negan licked his lips and cleared his throat.

“Do you want to be my girlfriend? Officially?” Negan wondered having her lips part, surprised to hear that come from his mouth. “Because if you want to be my girlfriend, then that makes it official. Which means neither you nor I can fuck around on each other. It’s putting a label on it now so I can’t feel bad for the things before.”

“Why would you still want to be with me?” she blurt out, flustered that he would even be suggesting that idea.

“Because if you didn’t care about me, if you didn’t love me…you wouldn’t be here right now crying. You walked in the freezing cold through snow to punish yourself because you thought you hurt me,” Negan pointed in the direction of the front door where he found her when she showed up. “You’re here and you’re telling me the truth. And the fact that you did it has you devastated. Because you love me. Part of you still loves Joel and I understand that, but I fucking love you. I’ve always fucking loved you. Knowing that you’re honest with me? Fuck, that’s a big deal. Now if we agree to be official here and Joel pulls something, I can’t promise that I won’t punch him, but since we weren’t official before, I can’t make a big deal out of it.”

“You love me?” she focused on the words he had said having him smile. Groaning in pain, Negan adjusted his body and crawled back toward her to lay his head in her lap after she set the mug down again. Rubbing his head against her thigh had her exhaling loudly, her fingers shakily moving down to brush her fingers through his dark hair.

“It’s not obvious?” Negan stammered, his head lifting up with his eyes staring longingly into hers. “I’ve been in love with you for as long as I can remember. That kinda love just doesn’t go away.”

Caressing down over the side of his face, she knew that she was getting even more emotional hearing him talking about loving her, “You told me that I make you happy. Well you? You make me so fucking happy. And I love spending time with you and the children. I understand that Joel is always gonna be in our lives. And I accept that.”

“I carry so much baggage,” she reminded him and he laughed.

“I carry crazy fans. Mental trauma. A bum fucking knee and a bad back. Occasionally some paparazzi and reporters,” Negan rambled off all the problems that he knew that came with being with him. “Being with me means that you have to share me with fans. I’ve had serious anger issues in the past. I swear like you can’t believe. I have the humor of a teenage boy. I make crazy amounts of dick jokes all the time. Like, I can’t help it. It’s dick and balls in this immature brain all the fucking time. I have a crazy sex drive where I’ll probably wanna have sex, a lot. I’ve been really romantic with you and I love making things romantic, but some days I’m the break your bed type of wild. I know I’ll get depressed when my career is finally over, but I’ll never take it out on you. I’ll just be…sad. Just like I’m sad about Lucille. I hide my emotions behind a fake smile all the time. So we’re the same. You and me? We’ve gone through so much shit. But I accept you. I want all of you. Broken heart and all. Cus’ you told me that I bring you joy. If I can do that for you from here on out. Then I consider that to be a success.”

“I don’t understand you,” she whimpered with Negan pressing his hands up over the arms of the chair to hover his lips in over hers.

“I don’t understand me either,” Negan agreed with her, a smile tugging at his handsome features drawing attention to his prominent dimples. “So what do you say? Do you wanna officially date me or not? Because either way I can accept your answer. Because either way I wanna still be in your life.”

“I don’t want to hurt you,” she claimed, her eyes full of awe for him.

“Then don’t,” Negan breathed out, slowly standing up with a pained sound. Motioning her to stand up, Negan sat down in the chair and then led her to sit in his lap. Wrapping her up in his arms, he got her comfortable enough so she was staring into his eyes. Palming over the side of her face, Negan shrugged his shoulders. “Just tell me if it’s not me that you want to be with. I’m a big boy. I’ll be able to handle it. I’d just like to give us…give this a real chance.”

After considering his offer, she nodded her head and let out a tremoring breath, “Yes.”

“Yes?” Negan was dramatic with the way he bobbed his head about.

“Yes, I want to give this a try,” she responded knowing that it made her a terrible person. Negan deserved better than her. And she knew that. Joel did too, but she knew what her heart longed for. Joel was someone she loved very much, but the way that Negan was? The way he made her feel? That was something she wanted from Joel for years. Yet it was Negan that it came naturally with. “If you’ll take me.”

“Of course I’ll take you,” Negan leaned forward to nuzzle his nose in against hers. “Is this where you expect me to pick you up and throw you in the fire for what you did?”

“That’s not even funny,” she snorted having his wicked laugh follow. “Negan.”

“If it wasn’t funny, why did you laugh?” Negan joked with her, tapping the tip of her nose with his pointer finger. “It was pretty funny.”

There seemed to be something that lingered in Y/N’s eyes when Negan tipped his head back, “What is it?”

“It’ll break Joel’s heart knowing that I still wanted to be with you after everything that he did today,” she thought aloud having Negan pull her in closer to him so she could get more comfortable. “I think it makes me a bad person for letting his hopes get up.”

“We’ll deal with it,” Negan frowned, wrapping his arm around her waist to make sure that she was safely in his lap as he adjusted his legs underneath her. “I’m not gonna fuck with Joel or rub his nose in it. Because that’s not right. But whatever comes our way? We’ll handle it in the best way we can.”

----

Tags: @chainsawsangel @fancypeacepersona @violent-darkness @negansbestie @elegantfanficluv

@sanctuaryforthelost @dead-of-niight @dilfsandmartinis @jennydehavilland

[puppyeared]

i feel like im not making any sense but does anyone else feel like there are stories that let u run with them and ones that spell everything out for you

[gentlethorns]

okay i'm struggling again

[blujayonthewing]

just remembered the time I was lamenting on twitter about not having bug friends anymore and my ex replied ':('

darlin. you live in pennsylvania. I meant friends I can actually hang out and catch bugs with

[fingertipsmp3]

Does anyone else’s mom seemingly want them to dress like a Mormon child bride or is it just mine

[covenofagatha]

Birthday Girl

On your 21st birthday, your friends drag you to a bar to get wasted when you decide it's a good idea to drunk-call Professor Agatha Harkness.

Word count: 3400+

Warnings: smut, fingering, oral, intoxication, mentions of underage drinking, teacher x student (legal)

“One, two, three!” Wanda chants and you and your friends tap your shot glasses on the bar counter and quickly down them. 

You gasp at the burn and they laugh at you. It’s your 21st birthday and your best friends Wanda, Rio, and Natasha had dragged you out to the closest bar to get you wasted. They had all already turned 21 the year before; you were the baby in the group. 

“Fuck, that’s disgusting,” you groan. 

“Another round, please!” Rio motions to the bartender. He sets down four more tequila shots and one is shoved into your hand. 

“Think you can get to 21?” Wanda jokes and the thought of 20 more shots makes you want to gag. 

“I might puke after this one,” you say and your friends laugh. You were never a partier in high school or college, always preferring to curl up on the couch and watch a movie. You’d only had some sips of alcohol a few times, but you had never been drunk. 

“You deserve this!” Nat shouts in your ear. “Harkness has been working you to the bone!” 

You shrug and wave your hand dismissively, suddenly uncomfortable. Agatha Harkness is your History of Witchcraft professor at Westview University. She’s known around campus for being cold to everyone and rarely giving out A’s. She expected nothing short of excellence and would not put up with excuses. Everyone was terrified of her. 

Everyone except for you. 

Something about the older woman captivated you. You were obsessed with meeting her standards, dreaming of the day she would look at you with pride. You poured over your books for her class, rereading every sentence you wrote thrice, just to try to impress her. It had taken your friends days of begging to convince you to come celebrate your birthday with them because you had a paper for Agatha’s class due in a week and you were already worried about it. 

“I don’t know how you’re surviving,” Wanda says. “I had her last semester and got a C in the class. Third highest grade. She’s the worst.” 

“She’s not that bad,” you defend, not quite sure why. Something about Agatha getting so much hate for pushing her students rubs you the wrong way. 

“Yeah she is,” Rio joins in. “I heard that she’s a real witch.”

You roll your eyes. “Can we please stop talking about her? I thought you guys brought me here to get away from school.” You take the shot that’s still in your hand and it goes down smoother this time. 

“Yes, there we go!” Rio whoops. 

Two more shots later and your head has gone completely fuzzy. You feel as if you are floating on air and everything around you is happening in slow motion. You get off your stool and immediately stumble, Wanda catching you with her arms. 

“I think I’m a little drunk,” you tell her. She laughs like it’s the funniest thing you’ve ever heard. 

“No shit, y/n, you don’t have to yell!” 

You didn’t even realize you had. “We should probably go back to the dorms!” You look around to see Nat chatting with some girl and Rio throwing darts at the board in the corner. 

“Not yet,” Wanda says, picking up her rum and coke. You’re not sure how she’s still drinking after she also did four tequila shots. “I’ll get you some water.” She signals to the bartender and you squeeze your eyes shut, willing your vision to go back to normal. 

When you open them, you see dark hair in the corner. Is that–? You shift so you can get a better look and feel sorely disappointed when you realize the person is not Agatha. Why are you disappointed? The thought echoes in your head for a second, and then is replaced by a sudden urge to see your professor. 

“Drink this,” Wanda orders, pressing a glass of ice water into your hand, but you’re too busy scrolling through your phone. You know she put her number on the syllabus somewhere and you are too far gone to think that this might be a bad idea. 

You feel a thrill run through you when you find it. You read the number over and over, like you’re afraid it’s going to change somehow. 

“I’ll be back,” you slur to Wanda and then step out the side door into the alley. You type the number into your phone and your finger hesitates over the call button. You know you shouldn’t. But fuck it. You press the button and lift the phone to your ear. 

It rings. And then rings again. You’re about to hang up to spare yourself the rejection when the call connects. 

“Hello?” It’s actually her. 

Your breath catches in your throat and you stand up straighter. “Professor Harkness?” 

“Y/n? Is that you?” 

“Yeah.” Shit, this was a bad idea. Even with your head still swimming, you know that. You can’t just hang up though. 

“Why are you calling me at 10:30 on a Saturday night?” 

“Um,” you say, trying to think of something. You’re definitely going to have to drop her class after this. You’ll never be able to face her ever again. “It’s my birthday?” You offer lamely. 

Agatha scoffs. “Happy birthday. Can I help you with something?”

“Oh, no, Professor, I just wanted – we’re at a bar – I thought you were – and just wanted to say hi,” you ramble, knowing you’re not making any sense, and you can almost hear her smirk through the phone. 

“Y/n, are you drunk right now?” Her voice perks up and it sounds like she’s finally interested. 

“No!” you protest. “Well, maybe a little. But I’m 21 now!” 

“What bar are you at?” 

“Jimmy’s.” It’s a local dive bar that is a popular place for Westview students to hang out at. 

“I’ll be there in ten. Wait out front.” There’s a click and then she’s gone. You stare at your phone, dumbfounded. Is Agatha coming to pick you up? Why?

You walk back into the bar and order a Dirty Shirley. The call had sobered you up a bit and if you had already drunk-called your professor, why not get even more hammered. Wanda comes back over to you and giggles when she sees the new drink in your hand. 

“Alright, time to party!” she exclaims. You pick up on the fact that she’s a little drunk as well. You stand up, vision blurring for a second. 

“I actually called an uber,” you lie, even through your hazy mind knowing that your professor coming to pick you up might sound strange to them.

Wanda pouts and then throws her arms around you. “Happy birthday,” she says into your ear and your arms tighten around her. 

“Thank you,” you breathe back. You’re close with Rio and Nat as well, but they don’t have the same bond you and Wanda do. You pull back and then go say goodbye to your other friends. 

The wind outside does very little to sober you up and you shiver from the coldness. You’re wearing a purple crop-top and a black mini-skirt, something Nat had found buried deep in your closet. You watch the time on your phone, heartbeat picking up as it gets closer to ten minutes since Agatha had hung up on you. 

And then right on the dot, a slick black Range Rover pulls into the parking lot, and you immediately know it’s her. The car stops right in front of you, the passenger window rolling down, and your breath catches. 

It’s Professor Harkness, clad in a maroon suit, wavy hair falling over her shoulders. 

“Do you need me to open the door for you, too, princess?” Agatha says, sarcasm dripping over the words, when you haven’t moved. You shake your head, partly to answer and partly to clear the fog. You settle into the seat, not missing the way Agatha’s eyes rake over your skimpily clothed body.

“You didn’t have to come get me,” you mutter, putting real effort into not slurring your words. 

She glances at you and sees you struggling with your seatbelt. She reaches over and you freeze at her close proximity. Her breath is hot against your cheek and her fingers brush your stomach as she takes the seat belt from your hand and buckles it for you. “Thought I would spare the other people you drunk-called,” she says. 

Embarrassment runs through you. “You were the only one,” you say meekly, picking at a scab on your hand. You dare to peek at her, only to find her smirking, one eyebrow quirked. 

“Oh?”

“I shouldn’t have called.” This time, it’s harder to keep your words from running together. “We were talking about you and then I thought I saw you and I just wanted to see you.” You need to stop talking, now. 

Agatha hums. “Did you, now?” She tucks a piece of hair behind her ears as she shifts the car into drive and you watch her fingers. 

“You’re really hot,” you blurt out and then clamp a hand over your mouth. Fuck. 

Instead of pulling over and making you get out, like you thought she would, Agatha simply reaches over and pats your leg. “And you’re really drunk, sweetheart.” 

The pet name makes you swoon inwardly. “Not that drunk,” you say unconvincingly. “I only had one…two…” You trail off, attempting to count the number of drinks on your fingers. Agatha stifles a chuckle. 

“Is this your first time drinking?” She asks, amused. 

“No, but it is my first time drinking this much,” you admit. “My friends dragged me out since it’s my birthday. I was going to work on the essay for your class.” 

“You were going to spend your 21st birthday doing school work?” 

“Your essay’s due in a week. I wanted to make sure I-it was good enough for you.” 

She notices your slip of tongue and her smirk sends heat down low in your stomach. “You’re always good for me. Your essays are some of the best I’ve ever read.” 

Your heart skips a beat and your face flushes. “I have a B in your class.” 

“You have an 88 in my class. That’s the highest I’ve had in years. Can’t make it too easy,” she says with a wink. 

“You could make it just a little easier,” you grumble, the alcohol clearly getting rid of any inhibitions. 

“You keep doing what you’re doing, sweetheart, and it’ll go up, I promise. I’m very impressed with the work you’ve been turning in.”

A hot flash runs through you. “Just wanna be your good girl.” And if it wasn’t clear how you feel about her now, it sure is. But she doesn’t look disgusted or creeped out, only intrigued. 

She finally stops the car and you peer out the window, expecting to see your dorm. You haven’t been paying attention to where she’s been driving at all, and you’re quite surprised to see you’ve arrived at a two-story house in a cute, suburban neighborhood. 

“This isn’t where I live,” you say dumbly. 

“No, it’s not,” she agrees, getting out of the car and walking over to help you. You stumble up the steps to the front door, Agatha’s tight grip on your shoulder keeping you upright. You can feel her fingers playing with the ends of your hair. 

She unlocks the front door just as a wave of nausea hits you. “Oh, god,” you say weakly, holding a hand in front of your mouth. Agatha doesn’t even seem phased; she leads you to a bathroom in the hall and leaves, only to re-enter with a glass of water moments later. You gulp it down and feel better. 

“You okay?” she asks softly, stroking your cheek, eyes tracing up and down your face. You’ve never seen this side of her and you really like it. 

“I think so. Thank you again,” you murmur and you realize that you’ve been staring at her mouth. 

“Anything for my favorite student.” 

And then, because you’re apparently determined to fuck everything up even more, you lean in and press your lips to hers. Agatha stands still for a second before you pull back, horrified with yourself. 

“Professor, I am so sorry, I didn’t mean to–” 

She draws you back in for a longer kiss this time, tongue licking into your mouth. You let out a long moan and she breaks away. 

“You’re drunk,” she tells you again.

You clasp the lapels of her blazer. “I know. But I want you.” 

She softly pries your fingers off her suit and smiles. “You need to sleep. And then we can talk about this in the morning.” 

You pout and she runs her thumb over your bottom lip, slightly pulling it down. You suck her finger into your mouth, delighting in the way her eyes darken. She steps back.

“Let’s go. You can sleep in the guest room. I’ll find you some pajamas and toiletries.” Her hand on the small of your back guides you up the stairs and to the room on the right. The guest room is simple but cozy and you immediately go to the bed and flop onto it. “Don’t fall asleep yet,” Agatha warns and then leaves the room. 

She comes back in a few minutes, an old shirt and sweatpants in one hand and a toothbrush and toothpaste in the other. She pats your legs in an effort to get you up but you can barely move, suddenly weighed down by all the drinks. 

“Come on, hon,” Agatha says and helps you stand up. You don’t move as she works to take your shirt and skirt off, your cheeks and upper chest flushing red. You try to cover yourself and she smirks. 

“M’sorry,” you mumble. 

“Don’t be. I’m enjoying the view.” You stare at her longingly, silently begging her to fuck you right there and then, but she helps you step into the sweatpants and pull the shirt over your head. She watches you brush your teeth and moves the covers so you can get into bed. “Do you need anything else?” 

Your hand grabs hers. “Just you,” you try again hopefully, but she chuckles and wrenches free of your grip. 

“Good night, birthday girl,” she whispers and leans down to press a kiss to your forehead. And then she turns off the lights and leaves the room.

You fall asleep immediately. 

***

Sunlight streams through the blinds, waking you up. It takes you a minute to get your bearings and then the events of last night come back to you. 

The bar. Four shots of tequila and half a Dirty Shirley. Calling Agatha and her coming to pick you up and taking you to her house. Kissing her in the downstairs bathroom. Shit. 

You groan, head pounding. You see a container of Advil and a glass of water on the nightstand beside you. You take two Advil and drain the glass, heart warming at the thought of Agatha taking such good care of you. 

And then you remember that your relationship with her will forever be complicated by your actions. 

You solemnly brush your teeth and pull back on the clothes you wore to the bar last night, neatly folding Agatha’s pajamas and placing them on the bed. You hope she hasn’t woken up yet so you can sneak out without her having to tell you how inappropriate you behaved last night. 

No such luck. The second you get downstairs, Agatha perks up from where she’s typing on her laptop on the couch.

“Good morning, darling,” she purrs, shutting her computer. You gulp, taking her outfit in. She’s wearing a robe that ends mid-thigh and the neckline drops low. 

“Hey,” you say casually, trying to hide how much you’re internally freaking out. 

“Do you want something for breakfast? I can cook you something.” She stands up and walks to the kitchen and you follow like a lost puppy. You involuntarily lick your lips at the way her hips are swaying. 

“What are my options?” Your voice is raspy, still feeling hungover. She glances back at you and her eyes dart up and down your body. 

“I can make eggs. Bacon. I think I have pancake mix in the pantry. What would you like?” 

You’re a little confused that she hasn’t scolded you yet. And then you remember something else. She kissed you. 

You swallow hard. Whatever else you may have done last night that you can’t remember, she doesn’t hate you for it. She might even want you back. 

“Are you on the menu?” It comes out before you can even realize what you’re saying. 

Agatha freezes and turns around. You shift your weight nervously, but then you see her pupils blown out. Her eyes are so dark you can barely see any blue. “What?” She asks carefully.

“You kissed me last night,” you say, a little breathless. You have absolutely no idea where this confidence is coming from. “You wouldn’t do anything else cause I was drunk. But I’m not drunk now.” 

She steps toward you and roughly grasps your hair. She tilts your head back, exposing your neck just a tad. “No, you’re not.” She regards you for a second. “You know you’re not going to get extra credit for trying to sleep with your professor.” 

You laugh. “That’s not why I’m doing this.” 

She smirks. “Good.” And then she licks a hot stripe up your neck and bites down, sucking a mark on your skin. You gasp loudly and tangle your hands into her hair. 

“Professor,” you moan and you drag her into a filthy kiss. She backs you up until your thighs hit the table so she lifts you up onto it. Your legs wrap around her to pull her closer. Agatha pushes up your crop-top and kneads your breast, thumb stroking your nipple, never once breaking your kiss.

Her hand creeps under your skirt and cups your mound over your underwear. Your hips jump on their own at the stimulation. 

“Please,” you beg. Her lips curl into a smile. 

“What do you want?” Her fingers have pushed your underwear to the side and have started lazily stroking through your folds, spreading your wetness. 

“You,” is all you can say before she sinks a finger into your hole. 

“Like this?” She asks innocently, thrusting hard. 

“Yes,” you pant, quickly untying her robe so you can touch her. She’s completely naked underneath and you lean down so you can take a nipple into your mouth. 

“That’s perfect, baby,” she sighs, setting a relentless pace with her fingers after she slips another one in you. “Is this what you hoped would happen when you called me last night?”

“I’ve been hoping for this since the first day of the semester,” you answer, and she falters for a second, thrown off by your honesty. 

She pulls out of you and panic runs through you, terrified that you said the wrong thing. But she just pushes you down so your back is resting on the table and she pulls out one of the chairs from the table. 

“What are you–” Before you can finish your sentence, she leans forward and sucks your clit into her mouth. Your back arches off the table, hands rushing down to hold her in place. “Fuck, Professor!” 

She devours your pussy like she’s a starving woman, pulling all sorts of loud noises from you. 

“Oh my god, I’m gonna cum,” you chant, hips grinding on her face, trying to get the last bit of stimulation you need to send you over the edge. She knows what you need and presses her fingers inside you, curling them just right and gives your clit a hard last lick. You cum harder than you ever have before, her name on your lips like a prayer. She helps you ride through the aftershocks and then trails kisses up your body until she can kiss your mouth. 

“How was that?” she asks after you pull away to catch your breath. 

“That was probably the best birthday present I’ve ever gotten,” you say, which cracks both of you up. “But I’m not finished.” 

Her eyebrow quirks up and she smirks. “Oh?” You stand up, putting your hands on her hips and flipping her around so she’s leaning against the table. 

You sink to your knees in front of you, not even bothering with a chair. You slowly push her robe up so it bunches at her waist. “Can I return the favor?” 

A glint appears in her eye and she fists one of her hands in your hair preemptively. “I’d like nothing more.” 

[gallusrostromegalus]

If you please; what is your Tolberone theory of knowledge?

My theory, which I thought up a few weeks ago while sick with covid, is that all knowledge is a form of art, and that there are very broadly three basic types of knowledge arts: physical arts, philosophical arts, and scientific arts, and that pretty much all academic, artistic and practical disciplines exist somewhere in that triangle spectrum.

Physical arts are knowledges of how to actually, physically do things. The purest front of physical arts are things like dance and navigation.

Scientific arts are knowledges of things that can be tested and proven. Computer programming and Quilting are both scientific arts: they work, or they don't.

Philosophical Arts are knowledges of things which while not objectively provable, are still very real. History and Being A Good Listener are philosophical arts.

Nearly every discipline of knowledge is some combination of all three. Cooking is largely applied chemistry, a scientific art, but it's also a philosophical art because flavor is extremely cultural and contextual, and a physical art because you have to know how to hold the damn knife and heat when it's done.

The first part of toblerone theory is that, like how each piece has three sides, any given project needs at least one person who has a good grasp of each of the underlying arts involved or it's going to go sideways at best. For example:

Physical and Scientific arts, no philosophy: Jurassic Park. They need someone to point out that, while very possible, it's not necessarily a good idea.

Philosophy and Science, no physical: that dril tweet about the forum debate locked by a mod after 12,000 pages of heated debate. They need someone to drag them away from the keyboard and actually do something.

Philosophy and Physical, no science: that cult in midsommar that put a guy in a bearsuit. Without the ability to engage measurably with the world, they give into fear and behave like reactive animals. Also the "rare chicken steak" phenomenon.

You can have differing ratios of each type- Jurassic Park really only needed two philosophers: one animal behaviorist and an OSHA inspector, and 98% of the issues would have been avoided- but you do need at least ONE of each underlying art to check each other's work.

The second part of toblerone theory is that, like how the toblerone is made of many triangle pieces, there are poles to the triangle spectrum. Practical vs Esoteric arts. Short term and long term arts. High stakes vs for funsies arts.

While you have have different ratios and levels of expertise in each of the arts, you do all need them to be on the same piece of the bar, or they won't take each other seriously. A UN Diplomat and a climate scientist aren't going to take the advice of physical artist my uncle Bobby the plumber re: global warming, but they will take the advice of physical artist my Aunt Cheryl the civil engineer, a world expert in getting shit done.

The same applies for the other end of the spectrum. Aunt Cheryl the civil engineer isn't going to get much milage with the local high school student council and principal Waley when the problem at hand is "what are we going to do for this year's prom theme?"

I gotta go to therapy now, pictures later.

[agirlwithglam]

🎀 The It Girl Lifestyle Guide 🎀

hi girlies! this guide is a part of the big series: The Ultimate It-Girlism Guide. in this mini guide i'll be including all things health, morning/nighttime routines, and more!

How to create your ideal morning / night / any other routine:

Here’s a mini step by step guide to curating a routine that works specifically for YOU, tailored to your own needs and wants. This can be for any routine u wanna create: morning, night, after school, after work, before school/ work, etc etc.

Apps / things needed:

ChatGPT (or an AI like that- it’s not completely necessary but it’s useful)

Notes app / docs app. (Or a pen and paper- this will be to write down the routine!)

Calendar app (optional tbh)

Ok so first off: decide what you want in your routine. Make a list in no particular order of what you need/ want in the routine.

Some examples:

Once you’ve created this list, you’re pretty much half way done. In this next part you can use chat GPT to make it easier, or use your own mind.

The next thing to do is: ask chatGPT to make a routine with the steps u wanted.

Make sure to mention what time your routine starts and ends. And if there’s anything you want to change, you can just ask the AI or make those changes yourself!

The last step is to write it down!

You can either write it down on the notes app, docs, on a journal/ piece of paper, anything that’s easily accessible to you. I heavily recommend writing it down somewhere, but if you dont want to you can…

Put it into your calander. This can help you be a bit more organised, but it’s not completely needed. As long as it’s written down somewhere- so you dont need to always remember it- you’re good.

Health and wellness

In this section, i will be talking about fitness, mental health and physical health. I will mention some useful tips to finally start, how to overcome procrastination, and how to take care of that area of your body.

1. FITNESS.

Numero uno: fitness! I’m not going to go yapping on about how fitness is so important- im assuming you all know that by now. But let me just remind you that staying fit is not only exercising or going to the gym everyday. It can be: running, going for a walk, playing a sport, yoga, pilates, dancing, cycling, and THE LIST GOES ON. DO anything that moves your body and gets you fit!

Here are some tips to help you get started:

Start small. Set small goals first. Set SMART goals

Choose the activities you enjoy. Like i mentioned earlier, there’s tons of ways to stay fit- cycling, running, swimming, yoga, dance, sports, etc. etc. (if you like, joining a class or working out with friends can help you stay motivated!)

Stay consistent. I know i know, this is said everywhere. But there is no progress without consistency. Even if you can’t do a whole workout one day, try and do 10 jumping jacks, or 5 pushups. Do whatever you can. Remember: 1% is better than 0.

Create a vision board. You can create one yourself, or find tons of them off Pinterest. Vision boards will make the process so much more fun and will certainly motivate you.

Set a reward system. Tell yourself: if you do this high intensity workout now, you can go to the spa later or watch tv.

Find a why. This goes for like everything tbh. If your why is big enough, you are capable of doing anything (even finding that lost book that you owe the library!) basically, are you doing this to get ripped? With tons of abs, or to get strong and impress people? Or are you doing this to boost your self esteem and improve your health?

2. FOOD & NUTRITION.

Balanced diet: eat the rainbow! Meaning- eat meals with a variety of different colours. Fruits, vegetables, proteins, carbohydrates, etc. it’s completely alright to eat a chocolate, but remember: EVERYTHING IN MODERATION.

Hydration: aim for at least 8 glasses of water a day. Trust me, drinking the magical potion that is water will help you SO much! It can help you clear your skin, have pink uncrusty lips, keep you fit and soooo much more.

Mindful eating: in the book IKIGAI it is said that you should only eat until you’re 80% full. Not 100%. Why? Because the time it takes for you to digest the food will have already made you extremely full. You may even have a stomachache. Studies also show that cutting back on calories can lead to better heart health, longevity, and weight loss.

Here are some tips to manage cravings:

Find healthier alternatives. If you are craving something sweet like chocolate, have something like a sweet fruit. If you crave something salty, try nuts. If you can’t think of any, search up some healthier alternatives to it!

Create more friction for junk, and less friction for healthy. This concept was said in the book Atomic Habits by James Clear. What does it mean? Make sure that it takes a lot of energy to get the unhealthy junk food. Maybe keep them high up in a cupboard so whenever you want it you have to go get a ladder, climb up, and then get it. And keep the healthy food in easy reach. Like some fruits open on a table, etc. (also remember to keep some actually yummy healthy food like Greek yogurt or protein bars.)

Distract yourself. Go do a workout or engage your mind in a hobby that you enjoy. Basically take your mind off food.

Yummy water. Make some lemonade for yourself. Or perhaps add slices of lemon, cucumber, mint or strawberries to it for some flavours. I’d do some research on this cus i know that some combos can rly help for things like clearing your skin, boosting energy, etc.

3. MENTAL HEALTH

Taking care of your mental health is just as important as taking care of your physical health. It affects how we think, feel and act and also determines how we handle stress, relate to others, relationships, etc.

Of course there will be ups and downs for our mental health. It’s not something that you can just fix once and it’ll be good forever. No, it’s a rollercoaster. But having a “good” mental health is really important for a successful lifestyle.

Here are some tips to help you improve your mental health:

Meditation / deep breathing. I can’t emphasise how important this is. Even 1-2 minutes a day is good. Start small. You dont even need to be sitting crossed legged for this. Whether you’re in class, on a vehicle or in a stressful situation; just breathe. Take a deep breath, and out. Do it right now.

Journalling. Write. It. Out. Writing your problems and worries out is SOO therapeutic, especially when you want to calm down. There are SO MANY benefits to journalling. But remember that once you’ve ranted on the paper, tear it, rip it, and watch it burn. (Don’t keep a journal for this unless you KNOW 150% that no ones ever gonna read it. Trust me, it’s terrifying knowing that someone’s read that.) other things you can do is create a gratitude journal, so whenever you’re feeling low you can just go to it or write in it.

Self careee!! Create time for self care in your week. Because if you do that, it’s gonna be that one thing which you’ll be looking forward to each week, which will make life SO much more fun and bearable. For me, my forms of self care are watching thewizardliz or tam Kaur, reading, watching a movie at night, etc.

POSITIVE. SELF. TALK. Need i say more? What you say to yourself, is what you believe. And what you believe reflects in your external life.

Sing your heart out to Olivia Rodrigo. I swear this is actually so calming and therapeutic. Basically: express your feelings. If you’re angry at someone, feeling grief or really hurt by someone, screaming to Olivia Rodrigo songs in my bedroom is my go-to (i just make sure not to do it when others can here hehe). You can punch your pillow, scream, cry, etc.

Remember honey: this too will pass. Repeat that over in your head. This will pass. This will pass. This will pass. I know you may be going through the toughest time ever, but this too will pass. Nothing is forever. You’ve gotten through so much worse. You’ve got this.

!! Girls, please remember that these are just some tips. I am NOT a professional. If you really feel horrible every single day, go to therapy or counselling. Also contact mental health hotlines or emergency numbers if needed.

Mkay thats it! I hope this was of some value to you, and stay tuned for the next guide in the it girl series!

[gurugirl]

Daddy's Pretty Girl | dom!daddy!h

Summary: Harry just wants to make his princess happy OR The story of you and Harry, how you met, and all the rest.

A/n: Requested! This was previously posted on Patreon!

Word Count: 4,385

Warning: Smut, cock warming, exhibition kink (public), daddy kink, DDlg (consented and role play understood), dom/sub dynamic

 🌸 🌸 🌸

“Princess? What are you doing?” Harry spoke calmly as he placed his hands on your hips while you balanced yourself on the counter to reach the tallest cupboard.

“I can’t reach this high so I had to climb up here to get something.”

“And why didn’t you ask me for help? Hmm?” He gripped you in his hands and pulled you down to the floor safely.

You’d been caught red-handed. Well, sort of. You hadn’t quite found what you were looking for before Harry noticed you climbing on the counter. It was the package of butter shortbread cookies with the strawberry jam and cream in the center that you were trying to find. Harry hid them from you because every time he brought home your little treats you’d ruin your appetite for dinner and so it was just easier for him to put them somewhere you couldn’t find them.

Pouting you kicked your bare foot against your shin, “Just didn’t want to bother you.”

Harry crossed his arms over his chest and leaned his bottom into the counter as he smirked at you, “Oh is that so? And what were you looking for then?”

You shrugged and looked up at him with your sweetest softest eyes as you bit your lip. He knew what you were looking for. He didn’t even need to ask.

Harry sighed and walked past you to the pantry and reached to the tall shelf pulling down your treats. You smiled widely and clasped your hands together, waiting patiently for him to dole out a few of them to you.

“You don’t have to sneak around, Princess. If you want a little treat I’ll give you a little treat. Just ask. But tell Daddy why he hides these from you. Want to make sure you remember.”

Nodding you responded, “Cause I’ll eat the whole box. Then I won’t eat my dinner. And my tummy always hurts after.”

“That’s right. Because you’re like a little puppy with no off switch when it comes to your treats. You’d inhale the whole package if given the chance.”

“But I just wanted one this time. Promise.”

“You never just want one, Y/n,” he took your chin in his hand, “How many do you want?”

“Can I have three?”

Harry smiled and let go of your chin as he reached into the package and pulled out four of your cookies, handing them to you. He always gave you an extra.

“Thank you, Daddy!” You bit into the first one, the buttery crust of the cookie crumbling into the tart strawberry jam with the cream coating your tongue. “Mmmm…”

“You’re welcome, Princess,” he leaned down to kiss your forehead, “Don’t climb up on the counters like that anymore. Okay? Can’t have you getting hurt over a $5 box of biscuits.”

You sighed and nodded as you chewed your next bite and then followed Harry up to his office where he was finishing work. When he sat down in his chair you sat in his lap and popped the next cookie into your mouth. Harry was used to you interrupting his work and sitting in his lap. He didn’t mind it. In fact, he preferred having you in his lap as often as possible.

“Don’t forget we’re going out tonight. I want you to wear that yellow dress I laid out for you on the bed. Okay?”

You crunched your bite and nodded as you leaned back into Harry’s chest and watched his computer screen as he did whatever it was. You didn’t really even know exactly what he did for work. Something about trading money and buying and selling things or funds or… he tried explaining it to you a few times but it went over your head. All you knew was that he got to work from home and he made a lot of money.

Life was good with Harry. You never imagined you’d have it so good. You didn’t have it easy when you were growing up. When you graduated high school you worked full-time so you could pay rent and buy food. You moved away from your dad the moment you had the chance. He was abusive and mean and he scared you.

So you didn’t go to college because your priority was to get away from your dad which meant you’d need to pay rent for a place to live. But you struggled for a long time. You only made minimum wage and you had no friends or any other family to ask for help. Your dad saw to it that any friends you made didn’t stick around.

And back then, even as hard as it had been working menial jobs and living in a rundown apartment barely scraping by, you were free from your dad. Sure things were expensive and you couldn’t always buy groceries, but you could sleep at night knowing you were safe.

But everything changed for you when you got a job as a waitress at a swanky little downtown joint. High rollers wearing expensive watches and Italian shoes would come in with large wads of cash. And the best part was that the tips they left were very very generous.

In a way, it was your lucky break. You started making a living wage when tips were included in your check and you bought yourself a used car with cash. You were able to afford health insurance, a few nice outfits, and could finally have a refrigerator full of food.

It felt like you were living in the lap of luxury. You weren’t, but you’d never felt such freedom in your life. Waitressing was a good gig for you. You were bubbly and nice and often remembered the names of your usuals. They loved it when you remembered their names.

One night, it was an extra busy shift and you’d been struggling to keep up a bit since two people had called in and you were running around every which way trying to make sure all your tables were well taken care of.

A group of four men were seated in your section and you greeted them but one of them could tell you were flustered. Taking their drink orders you scribbled on your notepad what they wanted when one of the men reached out to pull at your apron, “Take a breath, Y/n.”

You squinted your eyes at him when he said your name. You had a nametag of course, so it wasn’t like some crazy thing that he’d know your name, but your guests didn’t normally say your name to you unless they were regulars. And this man was not a regular.

“I’m serious. Take a deep breath, with me,” he kept his dazzling green eyes pinned to yours as he inhaled and you followed his lead, inhaling and then he exhaled, his breath falling from his pink lips. “See? That wasn’t bad, was it? Now, remember to keep breathing. Inhale, exhale.”

You smiled at the handsome man, “Thank you.”

“My name’s Harry.”

You giggled pointed at your name tag, “Y/n. As you know.”

“Beautiful name.”

Somehow Harry had made your busy and hectic night one of the best nights you’d ever had at the restaurant. He was so thoughtful and gentle with you. And he was handsome as hell. Tall and well built, nice hair, big hands…

So when he showed up a week later you were out of your mind giddy because he was in your section. And his genuine warmth had you flushing hot and made you all exasperated and blubbering your words.

Only that second night, instead of just paying the tab and leaving with a wave goodbye he walked up to you and handed you his card as he softly dragged his fingers over your wrist, “When’s your next day off?”

“Tomorrow,” you inhaled as you looked up at him.

“Call me tomorrow.”

So you did, obviously. And really the rest is history. Harry swept you off your feet and took such good care of you that now here you were two years later and still just as smitten with him as the day you met him.

. . .

You loved getting dressed up and going out with Harry, your big strong man who treated you like a princess. You were spoiled and doted on by him and when he took you out he was always so protective of you. Keeping your hand in his or his arm over your shoulder to hold you close.

He normally helped you pick your outfits too. You usually went with whatever he chose to make him happy. He liked having access to your skin so he could squeeze you and touch you which meant he liked you in short dresses and skirts the most. And anything that kept your shoulders bare so he could kiss them.

And depending on what kind of outing it was, he’d let you know if you were allowed to wear your panties or not. That was one decision you were not allowed to make.

Harry pulled out a pair of cotton panties with little hearts all over. Something that covered your bum in case the flimsy material of your short dress rose up.

“Gotta keep your tush covered tonight, Princess,” he said as he pointed at the bed, gesturing for you to sit down so he could help you put your panties on.

“Okay, Daddy,” you bit your lip as Harry knelt down on the floor in front of you and lifted up one of your bare feet, sliding the opening upward and then repeating on your other leg.

He liked to make a show of how he did it. Slow and teasing. He brought the fabric up to just below your knees and ran his hands up your thighs as he kept his eyes on yours, “Doesn’t mean Daddy won’t want to play with you, though. Pussy’s so good for me s’hard to resist. Maybe we’ll have you in my lap again. Let you sit on my cock right in front of all your friends. And you’ll be a good girl just like last time and keep quiet and not shift all around. How’s that sound? Wanna warm Daddy’s cock tonight when the time is right?”

You nodded and grinned, “Oh my god… I loved it when we did that so much. Love that no one knew except you, Daddy.”

By the time Harry had helped you into your panties, you were already slick from the dirty things he was saying to you and the way he was running his thumbs so close to your pussylips but just missing where you wanted to be touched.

You were meeting friends out for trivia night at the little pub that served the best pizza in town. Harry had his hand wrapped around yours as you both greeted everyone and sat at the booth with them all.

You weren’t sure how it would be possible to cock warm Harry given how many people were smushed into the booth with you both but when he pulled you into his lap, grunting, “S’not enough room, get up in m’lap,” you understood he wasn’t going to let you worry about all that. Harry was in charge. He would figure out how it would work. All you had to do was sit there, perched on his lap looking pretty.

He didn’t make a move to undo his pants or adjust you at all, first just feeling everyone out as you sat with your plush bottom over his thighs and ordered your vodka lemonade.

When the cards were all passed out and the trivia questions began to pop up on the screen everyone had their teams ready. All your friends knew better than to ask which team you wanted to be on because they already knew your answer would be that you were on whatever team Harry was on.

Maybe it was a little pathetic but you honestly didn’t care. He was the love of your life and your best friend. He loved you so much and treated you like you were the best thing that’d ever happened to him and so of course you were going to choose to be with Harry. Even if it was just for a trivia game at a bar.

His big palm splayed across your bare thigh as he whispered into your ear, “I love you.” You wiggled into him and turned to whisper back, “Love you, Daddy.”

It was sickening to everyone around you but also kind of cute in a way. You two were that couple. PDA was part of the package deal if they wanted to hang out with you. The first six months everyone kind of laughed it off. They said you two would chill out once the honeymoon phase was over. But here you were nearly 2 years later and if anything you two were even more touchy-feely.

Trivia nights were once a month. Harry liked to make sure you were spending time with other people and not just him. He wanted you to have friends and get out as much as you could.

When the game started and the pizza was plated you felt Harry’s arm slide around the front of your waist as you wrote down the answer that was discussed between your team. You were always the one in charge of writing down the answers.

“Take it easy on that vodka lemonade, Princess. Need you to have your wits about you when we get home. Okay?”

You nodded and turned to whisper in his ear, cupping around the back of it so no one could read your lips, “When are you gonna stuff me with your big cock, Daddy? Want you inside of me.”

Harry grunted and pinched your thigh shushing at you before he gulped down the last of his water. Harry didn’t drink when you two went out if he was driving. He let you drink but he didn’t like to have any alcohol in his system if he was going to be behind the wheel.

When the game was nearly coming to an end and your team was winning the final round the final category was music, as usual. 30 seconds of a song you had to guess was played for 10 songs. You could double your points if you knew both the name of the artist and the name of the song.

This was the part of the night when the people were boozed up and laughing.

Mel, who was sitting to Harry’s left tapped his arm, “Gotta go take a leak, mind if I scooch out?”

You and Harry had to move to let Mel out but when you both got back into the booth you scooted further in and realized Harry’s cock was solid under your bum. You leaned forward, putting your elbows onto the table, and felt Harry spread your skirt over his lap before he lifted his hips and the next song to guess came over the speakers.

You were distracted by Harry’s movements so you weren’t taking note of the song at all until Gessie poked your wrist with her finger, “So I think that was Bruce Springsteen. But what’s the song?” She snapped her fingers and looked at the other person who was on your team. As the pair were discussing which song it could be you felt the warm, stiff flesh of Harry’s dick under your thigh and you lifted just a bit to blurt out the name of a song you thought of off the top of your head, “Glory Days?”

Your panties were pulled to the side before you felt Harry’s fingers slip through your puffy, wet folds and then he pulled at your hips to draw you back toward him, only this time instead of sitting on his lap, you slowly, slowly slid over his cock. Your skirt was covering him and everything happening underneath.

You sighed when you had him stuffed inside of you and he panted softly into your ear, “Don’t wiggle around too much. Just sit still like a good girl.”

See, wiggling too much might have Harry coming. It’d happened before. The first time you cock warmed him in public (yes, there were multiple occurrences) you were so turned on and flustered that you kept swaying back and forth and squeezing around him. And he tried holding you in place but the whole experience of doing something like that in public was new for both of you. You were both excited and it didn’t help that you were pulsing around him and softly moaning.

When he came he had to act like you’d elbowed him in the gut when someone asked if he was okay. His pained expression and groan were easily played off as something rather innocent.

But Harry preferred coming inside of you only when it was an appropriate time. Usually in private but sometimes in the sex club you both frequented. You did have an exhibitionism kink so fucking at the sex club while others watched was welcome. But not at a local bar during trivia night.

When Mel returned you and Harry didn’t need to move as he sat at the end. You struggled to write down the last few answers as you began to pant softly and felt the liquid from your pussy dribble down.

“I’m gonna get your pants all messy, Daddy. I’m sorry.”

Harry rocked his hips up and you gasped as he adjusted your seating and pulled you closer, “It’s fine baby. You’re doing so good for me.”

And as much as you loved the thrill of secretly cock warming Harry like you were, there was always the issue of parting. If anyone was sat too close they’d see Harry’s cock in all its glory once you removed yourself from him. So you had to be careful about how it was done. Normally you’d order one last drink just as everyone else was paying their bill and getting ready to leave, that way when you two were the last to leave no one really wondered why since you still had a full drink to get through.

And that’s what you did this time as well. Mel hung around for a bit and you just hoped he couldn’t tell you were practically trembling from the way Harry’s cock was splitting you in half right in front of the guy as he yammered on about his job with Harry.

Your skin was hot and you were nearly drooling into your vodka lemonade at the way it felt.

You could tell Harry was at his wits end as well. You’d feel him throb every now and then. The small grunts he’d let out were also a good signal that he was struggling just as much as you were.

The moment Mel slid out of the booth and waved goodbye Harry’s hand was up, motioning to the waiter to ask for the bill for you two. He held your hips and rocked upward a couple of times before he began to pull out of you, “Nice and easy. Oop, stop right there,” he tightened a hand on your hip to keep you steady as he slid his pants up and kept your skirt covering the action.

You were a wobbly, sighing mess of a girl as he got you into his car and took you home.

“Daddy’s gonna take care of you baby. Gonna take away that achiness inside, yeah?” He spoke to you as you were pulled into the house before he lifted you up and carried you to the bed.

You were in a hurry. You needed him right then as you whined and began to pull at your panties but Harry swatted at your thigh, “Let Daddy do it. You just lie there and look pretty for me. My little Princess doesn’t need to lift a finger.”

That was the norm. He preferred you to lay comfortably all spread out underneath him while he did all the work.

He loved the sight of you. Your skin was hot and your limbs were already shaking with need by the time he finally began to lick your pussy. Soft strokes with his tongue only got you even more worked up and had you whimpering and fussing about, “P… please! Daddy!!”

Harry grinned into your pussy, pushing his briefs down his muscled thighs, lips wrapped around your clit as you bucked up into him and pulled at his hair. You were a mess. You needed one thing and one thing only.

“Daddy I need your cock, now!! I’m gonna die if I don’t get it! Oh my god, you’re so mean!”

You felt puffs of air against your wet slit as he laughed and looked up at you, “You’re going to die are you? Wow. That sounds like it’s bad, baby. Tell Daddy what he did that was mean,” he leaned over you, his strong arm reaching over your body to knead at your tits.

You pouted and lifted your head to look at him. You hadn’t even realized he’d already removed his briefs so he was fully naked, cock thick and hard between his thighs, “You… you’re not giving me your dick. And I need it.”

Another breathy laugh fell from his lips, “But I was licking your pussy. Making sure you were ready for me, Princess. Can’t just fuck my pretty girl without her little pussy hole being ready first now can I?”

You sniffled and kept the sad pout on your face so he knew you meant business.

Harry moved his hand up to your chin and squeezed your cheeks, “Don’t pout. Daddy always gives his pretty girl exactly what she wants. Doesn’t he?”

You nodded with a whine.

“That’s right. So don’t be a dramatic bellyaching brat with me. I’m just loving on you, Princess. Trying to take care of you the best I can. You’re hard to please sometimes.”

“Am not!” You countered, your words smushed together as you said them.

Harry let go of your cheeks and you felt him knee up between your legs, his thick masculine thighs pushed against the insides of your thighs as he smoothed his thumb over your mound and down to your clit, “You are. But that’s okay. Because you’re my little princess, aren’t you? She needs her Daddy to take good care of her.”

You began to take shallow breaths into your lungs as you watched him wrap his big hand around his cock and look into your eyes as he reared back, “And Daddy always gives his pretty girl what she wants. Do you know why, baby?”

You sighed as you felt the tip of him press against your empty hole. You wanted it so bad you could taste it, “Because I’m a good girl. Cause you love me, Daddy.”

“Fucking right, Princess. Daddy loves you,” he pressed into you, the girth of him opening your channel in one satisfyingly agonizing plunge. He didn’t snap his hips, but he drove into you until he was finally surrounded, encased fully in your pussy. And as he pulled you close to his chest he continued rocking into you with slow, languid strokes. Full length. He’d pull out to his tip and fuck back into you without pause until he met your cervix and he’d do it again. Nothing hard or fast. Just strong, deep, and teasingly slow.

His breath was on your face as he looked down into your eyes, “God… how’d I get so lucky, huh? Someone who needs me just as much as I need her.” He rolled into you slowly, the sopping mess between your legs just proving his point.

He fucked you dumb most nights. But some nights he was tender and warm. Sometimes he liked to take it slow and gaze into your eyes as he slid himself in and out of you, calling you his princess, his pretty girl, baby…

“Mm… me too!” You breathed out, “So lucky, Daddy. I love you…”

He dropped his lips to your neck as he continued fucking into you at the same pace he had been. Dripping wet, sticky, deep thrusts as you both panted.

You began to buck your hips upward to meet each of his thrusts. You couldn’t help the motion your hips were making as you moaned when Harry took your breast into his mouth.

He sucked on your nipple and felt your cunt squeezing him tight. You were so close already, like he knew you would be. You’d gotten all worked up cock warming him earlier and now you were gagging for it.

“You’re like a little slip-and-slide, pretty girl. Pussy all slippery and soaking wet just for my cock.”

“Uhnnnghh…” you groaned as you felt your insides begin to tingle and sparkle.

“You can come, Princess. Come on Daddy’s cock. I know you want to,” he panted, his own orgasm about to burst, “Easy there…”

You began to shake, your tummy tensed and your pussy clamped down as you sputtered out your words, “Coming! C… ffffuuu… Daaaaady!”

The beautiful spiral of your orgasm wiped you out as Harry continued fucking into you, his cock spreading your walls apart as you spasmed over him, “Pretty girl… so fucking good for Daddy…”

But he could only last so long himself until he was pinning you to the bed with his hips, cock buried deep as he dumped his fertile come into your pulsing hole, “Fuck! Fuck… oh shit…” his face twisted up in bliss.

It had been a bit of a quickie. But who could blame you? After suffering through what you had to during trivia, you both needed relief.

You ran your fingers into his hair and he nuzzled into your neck with a sigh. You both needed a minute to gather your bearings.

When you felt Harry shifting and pulling back so he could look down at you he slid a hand around to your bottom, “Let’s go get your cookies, baby,” he squeezed at your bum as you sat up.

“How many can I have?” You bounced on your bottom before you began to scoot to the end of the bed to hop off.

“As many you want, Princess.”

A/N: Hope you enjoyed this! 2nd part is a Patreon exclusive and is already on Patreon now! Consider joining if you'd like to see more!

Feedback/Thoughts | Ko-fi | Main Masterlist | Patreon

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[coldfanbou]

A Drunken Mistake

Our little SYLM story continues, and we go a little wild after so many drinks. Oh well.

Length 2.7K

Chaeyoung X Mreader

Previous Part

Next Part

You arrive at the cafe Dahyun mentioned. As you step through the door, you see her sitting at the back of the cafe, waving you down with a smile on her face.  “You made it,” Dahyun said softly as you sat down. 

“Yep, what did you want to talk about Dahyun?”

Dahyun's words get caught in her throat, and she’s forced to take a deep breath. “I-it’s just something I’ve wanted to tell you.” Dahyun moves her hair behind her ear, her smile fading as she shifts in her seat. “There’s, um, no easy way for me to say this, but I want to…” Dahyun's voice lowers to a whisper, and her gaze moves down to the table.  She balls her fists under the table as she tries to push forward with her confession, “I want to be more,” she blurts out, her anxiety at an all-time high. A small silence followed before Dahyun began speaking again her pace speeding up as she spilled her guts to you. “I know you’ve been sleeping with the others, and I’m okay with that, but I want to be someone more for you. I feel safe with you, and you’re so kind, and this is the first time I’ve felt this way since before I had Eunsoo.” Dahyun feels tears beginning to well up in her eyes, but she shakes her head and wipes them away, her vulnerability palpable.

“Hey, Dahyun, there’s no need to cry,” you say softly, reaching over the table to put a hand on her shoulder. You consider your options as you calm Dahyun. You had to admit you were in an awkward position, caught between so many women and having feelings for a few of them. It was a lot to think about, especially when you considered Jeongyeon. You pause for a moment, trying to gather your thoughts. “Dahyun, I appreciate you feeling that way about me, but I’m not sure. I’m not sure about anything right now. Look, here is what’s going on in my mind. I’ve been in sexual relationships with your Jeongyeon and others. Things change if I get into a relationship, and it will be a big change.” You see the disappointment in Dahyun’s eyes, and you feel your heart drop. You sigh, “Dahyun, let’s start again. I’m not going to commit to any exclusive dating yet, but if you feel okay with it. Dahyun, you’re a wonderful woman, but I don’t know if we’re a good match yet. I know I’m asking for a lot, but I can’t commit to an exclusive relationship, so why don’t we just get to know each other better for now? If things go well, we can make the next step together.”

Dahyun nods her head slowly, “Okay, I can do that.” Dahyun was disappointed with the outcome of her confession, but she was also thankful she didn’t get locked out of your heart. She slowly loosens her fists and places her hands on the table. 

“Why don’t we go somewhere? We can take Eunsoo to an aquarium.” You tell Dahyun, trying to move on. Dahyun can’t help but crack a small smile, happy that you would consider her child. She nods, agreeing to go on the impromptu date. You and Dahyun head to the daycare where she had left Eunsoo, picking her up. After putting Eunsoo into her seat, you take off to the aquarium; the closer you get to it, the bigger Dahyun’s smile gets. She’s kicking her feet when you arrive, staring at the whale shark sculpture above the entrance. 

You find a parking spot and head to the entrance. Dahyun is carrying Eunsoo and pointing to the whale shark. “Look! It's a big fish, huh, Eunsoo?” The baby giggles and waves her arm at the sculpture, continuing to stare as you pass under it. 

Walking through the aquarium, the three of you enjoy seeing the fish swim in their enclosure and watching the schools move together. Dahyun splits her attention between you and Eunsoo; you often catch her pointing at one fish or another and asking Eunsoo about it. Watching Dahyun be so focused on Eunsoo brings a smile to your face. You walk beside Dahyun, watching the different fish swim all around you. Noticing a group of clownfish, Dahyun points them out to Eunsoo, “Look at the little fish, Eunsoo. Aren’t they pretty?” She asks, bouncing Eunsoo on her hip. You look elsewhere, noticing a vendor. While Dahyun was focused on Eunsoo, you ended up buying some merchandise. You sneak up behind Dahyun and put a hat on her, a small shark that looked like it was biting her when she wore it. 

Dahyun saw her reflection in the glass and laughed, turning around to see the same hat on you. “You look ridiculous,” she says, smiling brightly.

“I could say the same for you, but it suits you. You look cute with it on.” Eunsoo reaches for the hat. “It looks like Eunsoo is jealous of you.” 

“Do you like mommy’s hat, Eunsoo?”  She babbles, still reaching for Dahyun’s hat. You continue around the aquarium with Dahyun, stopping at exhibits like the sea otters and stingrays. Before leaving, you stopped at the gift shop to get Eunsoo a small stuffed otter; she held it tightly in her fists, shaking it.” Dahyun laughed, watching Eunsoo play with her otter. 

The drive home was quiet, occasionally filled with Dahyun telling you how much she enjoyed spending time with you. You told her you enjoyed it too, noting how she was a good mother. The compliment made Dahyun blush, “You think so?” 

“Yeah, you made sure Eunsoo was doing well the entire time, making sure she was involved. I think you’re a great mom, Dahyun.”

“Thanks. I’m used to doing things like this with Eunsoo.”

“I can tell,” you reply, reaching her home a few minutes later. 

You walk Dahyun to her apartment; she heads inside, putting Eunsoo to bed before returning to the entrance. “Today was a lot of fun; thanks for taking us out. I know you’ll probably go out with the others too, but I look forward to going out again. Maybe we can do something a little naughty next time.” 

“Yeah, maybe.” you chuckle as you lean in and kiss Dahyun on her forehead. 

She stands on her tiptoes and points to her lips as you pull away, “Here too.” You both pause before breaking into a laugh. Wrapping your arms around Dahyun’s waist, you hold her tightly as you press your lips against hers. You break apart slowly and tell her goodbye before leaving. Dahyun stays in her doorway, watching you go, feeling satisfied with your little date.

Seeing as it was getting to be late at night, you decided to decompress after your date by taking a trip to the bar. While being around Dahyun and her daughter was fun, it was also tiring. You drove home and parked your car before walking down a few blocks to a bar you wanted to visit. Stepping inside, you find it cozy and comfortable, with soft music playing from overhead speakers as you go to the bar and order a drink. The barista smiled at you as she made your drink, “Long day?” She licked her lips, mixing the drink as her eyes wandered over you.

“You could say that,” you reply. “I’ve got a lot going on.”

“Don’t we all?” She says, chuckling at her comment. “Is this your first time here?”

“Yeah, it is.”

“Ooh, then I’ll make this first one on the house. My name is Chaeyoung; it’s nice to meet you.”

“It’s nice to meet you, too; thanks for the drink.” You chat with Chaeyoung, watching people come and go from the bar until it’s just you and her left inside. You drink everything Chaeyoung offers you.

After many drinks from Chaeyoung, you watched her move from behind the bar. She flipped the sign to close and locked the door before approaching and sitting beside you. “Say, you seem like someone who knows a thing or two,” Chaeyoung said, placing her hand on your thigh and dragging her fingers along it. “Listen, I’ve got a little bet going on with a couple of work friends. Would you mind helping me with it?”

“What’s the bet?” You ask, glancing her way.

Chaeyoung leans over, letting you take a gander at her small breasts. “I just need you to do something that’ll make us both feel good. My friend Mina got fucked a while ago and hasn’t shut up about how good this guy was. I said I could find someone just as good, but my friend Tzuyu thought I couldn’t.”

“Mina?”You repeat, your mind foggy from the drinks. You consider it might be the one you know before deciding it must be a coincidence. 

“This is where you come in. I get a good feeling from you, and I want to see if I’m right.” Chaeyoung takes your hand, bringing it to her lips. She takes in two of your fingers, letting her tongue swirl around them. “What do you say? What to have some fun with me?” Chaeyoung brings your hand to her chest and leans in, whispering, “You can be as rough as you like. I can take it all and then some. I’ll be your little toy tonight.” 

“Alright,” you agree in your drunken state.

A sultry smile on her lips, Chaeyoung moves her hand to your crotch, unzipping your pants and pulling your cock out. Her eyes widen as she looks at it, but she keeps her smile. “Oh, a big boy.” Chaeyoung climbs off her chair and pushes it back, bending over and dragging her tongue along your shaft. “This is going to be good.” Chaeyoung wraps her full lips around your shaft; her tongue drags along the underside of your length as she bobs her head slowly, moaning around it as she slides her fingers under her dress. You groan, reveling in the feeling of her warm mouth around your cock. Chaeyoung’s skilled tongue began moving around your shaft. You place your hand on her head and push her down, wanting more from the petite woman. 

“Fuck,” you groan as you feel her throat contract around your cock. You let Chaeyoung go and watch her pull back quickly, coughing twice before wiping her mouth.

She strokes your cock slowly, “That’s the spirit. Go ahead and use me.” Chaeyoung wraps her lips around your cock again and waits for you to make the first move. You move off your chair and stand before Chaeyoung taking hold of her hair, thrusting your cock down her throat. You listen to her struggle to take your cock, her eyes welling with tears as you drive your cock into the back of her throat. 

While you use her throat, Chaeyoung plays with herself, her body getting hot as you use her like a toy. Her fingers find a home inside her cunt as she pushes them deep inside herself. “You’re so good at this,” you grunt, pushing yourself to your climax. Chaeyoung feels your cock throb inside her throat. She moves her fingers faster, loving the idea of you cumming down her throat without giving her a warning. Chaeyoung pushes her tongue out of her mouth, trying to lap at your body as you continue your thrusts. You go and bury your cock inside Chaeyoung's mouth, cumming right after. Chaeyoung’s mouth becomes full of your cum before she eventually gives way, and it spills out of her mouth. You try to push deeper into her mouth as you cum before eventually pulling away. Cum drips onto the floor, and Chaeyoung leans against the counter, catching her breath. You look at her; Chaeyoung’s makeup is ruined. Her mascara is running down her cheeks, and saliva coats her chin.

You get hard as you look Chaeyoung over and push her against the counter, pulling down her panties and rubbing your cock against her cunt. “Fuck me up,” she whispers. You grin and slam yourself inside Chaeyoung; her slippery cunt lets you slide right in. “Oh fuck!” She yells as she feels you stretch and fill her. You waste little time and begin thrusting, slamming yourself deep inside Chaeyoung with every thrust. 

“God, you’re so tight.” You groan, turning her over and lifting the small woman. You bounce Chaeyoung on your cock, letting her weight drag her down onto your shaft. Each thrust goes deep into her, stretching her cunt out. Chaeyoung holds onto you, clinging to your body as you relentlessly drive your cock into her. You lay Chaeyoung against the counter and pull at her top, revealing her perky tits. You grab at them, roughly squeezing the small handful. 

Chaeyoung holds onto the counter, filling the bar with her moans as you use her like a toy. She lays her head on the counter, a weary smile on her face as she feels your cock knock against her womb. She felt the tension in her body build with every thrust; she was on the verge of cumming. 

You felt her walls clamping down on your cock and continued thrusting, your body demanding that you pump her full of your cum. You raise one of Chaeyoung’s legs onto your shoulder and bury yourself inside the petite woman, cumming inside her and triggering her climax. Her body tenses up, and Chaeyoung lets out a long moan as she feels your cum pour into her. 

You stay buried inside Chaeyoung, letting your body relax before beginning to thrust into her again. “H-hold up, I need a break,”

“You said you’re my toy for tonight,” you remind her as you lift her off the counter and thrust into her. Chaeyoung wraps her legs around you; she arches her back as you take her. As soon as she heard those words come from your mouth, she relinquished herself to you, letting you use her as you like. You spent the next few hours fucking Chaeyoung all over the bar. During the small breaks you gave her, she would be on her phone taking pictures of her deteriorating state as she got covered in more and more cum. Her black dress was white by the night's end, and no part of her body was left clean. 

The following morning, you found yourself in bed with Chaeyoung lying on your chest. Your head aches from last night’s drinks. The small woman drooled on you as she slept. You grab a phone and check the time; it’s early morning. As you open the phone, you find a chat and realize you grabbed Chaeyoung’s phone.  Looking closer, you see it was a chat with Mina and Tzuyu; Chaeyoung had sent them pictures of herself through the night. The last was a selfie she had taken of her body, showing how you had left her a mess. You put the phone down as Chaeyoung begins to stir.

“Good morning, master,” she greets you, kissing your chest. “Did you sleep well?” she asks, “Oh, looks like someone else is awake too.” She says before you can respond. Chaeyoung reaches down and grabs your cock, stroking you slowly. “I’ll get my breakfast, then I’ll make you yours,” Chaeyoung says as she moves down and tries to swallow your cock. 

You stop her before she can begin. “Hold on a second, what are you doing here?”

Chaeyoung blinks slowly, “You don’t remember last night? I don’t think I’ll be able to forget,” she giggles. “You used me like a toy all night, you made me your little cum dump. I’m getting wet just thinking about it. Some other stuff happened, but the most important part is that you're my master now. I put my number in your phone, so whenever you want some stress relief, just call me, and I’ll be ready to bounce on your cock.” You nod along.

“Tell me exactly what happened, and I’ll let you suck me off.” Chaeyoung jumps at the chance, detailing last night's events. You shake your head, reminded of why you don’t drink to excess. 

[harmoonix]

💙Solar Return

observations💙

Part III

ATTENTION: 60+ OBSERVATIONS SO LONG POST!!💙💙💙

💙 Chiron in your solar return chart, will show the area you'll need to heal the most in that specific year:

7h: your relationships

3h: your social skills

4h: your family

8h: traumas

10h: your public image

12h: your sleep

1h: yourself

6h: your health

5h: your inner child

2h: your finances

11h: your friendships

9h: your faith

💙 Moon or Mercury in the 3rd house can indicate a year where you may socialize way more, being more open in talks, sharing things about yourself

💙 Venus in the 1H is a year where you have to prioritize yourself, take care of your body, do skin - routines, relief baths, cleaning

💙 Saturn in the 10H can indicate success at your work/job/career in that year or something big happening with your job

💙 Scorpio Rising in your Solar Return may indicate a year where you gonna evolve more/transform yourself

💙 Moon in the 8H/12H may indicate a sorrowful year on the emotions/feelings, you may get hurt easier, more emotional and more needy that year

💙 Uranus in your 6H/10H can indicate changing jobs, changing something at your job. Maybe a boss, co-workers etc..

💙 Jupiter or Venus in the 9H may be a good year to travel somewhere but also you may have good luck with the school/high-school that year

💙 Venus aspecting Saturn can indicate setting new standards for your love relationship/partner in that year or being more strict with whom you share your love

💙 Earth Rising indicates a year where you need to be more stable, with Capricorn Rising with your career, with Virgo Rising your health, with Taurus Rising your finances/money

💙 Pluto in the 11H may attract a lot of people who may give 'frenemies' vibes that year, take care at your surroundings

💙 Venus in the 5H/7H may give a new romantic interest but not all the time, I had Venus in the 7H in the SR chart last year and I focused more on my views of a relationship rather than an romantic interest

💙 Pluto aspecting your Ascendant can indicate gaining more popularity in that specific year or people being more interested in you

💙 Pluto or Saturn in the 6H can indicate issues with your health in that year. It is a good time to focus on your health and go more frequently at the doctor during this time

💙 Pluto in the 4H may indicate changing in your homelife, maybe moving, your family members changing in better or worse

💙 Pisces Rising can be a year where you may be more dreamy or may have lots of daydreaming episodes, also being more artistic

💙 Sun in the 11H can be a good indicator of making new friends in that year, even making close - bounding with people

💙 Saturn aspecting the North Node may indicate new life paths that imply challenges, a hard path leads to success

💙 Jupiter in the 1H is a good year to put yourself in a good light. You can be lucky in that year with certain things happening in your life

💙 I swear, every time I do a solar return chart, VENUS AND SATURN are always close to each other in my chart. I literally wanna explode.

💙 Saturn in the 12H can indicate a year where you can feel more depressed or pessimistic, or even lazy

💙 You may adopt a pet if you have Venus or Sun in the 6H in that specific year, one or more pets

💙 Mars in your 7H can bring fights/jealousy/arguments in your relationships in that specific year

💙 9h Venus can talk about finding a lover from another ethnicity or culture around that year or maybe a lover during school/ high school or while traveling

💙 Neptune or Lilith in the 12H may be a time when you will feel a lot more introverted, more lonely, more peaceful time with your subconscious

💙 Sun in the 3rd house in the Solar Return will open a lot/being more social in that time, talking more, being more extroverted

💙 Capricorn Venus/Moon will indicate being more mature with your relationships and maybe finding a mature love matching your love life

💙 Mars in the 12H can indicate a subconscious fear or a phobia to an extent. Maybe you'll develop a new fear for something in that year

💙 Pluto in the 8H can indicate secrets, hiding things, but also some issues with feeling yourself, draining and powerful energy

💙 Mercury or Mars in Sagittarius can indicate learning a new language or studying about it

💙 Chiron aspecting Moon may indicate some issues with your mother during that year or your grandmother, but also healing your inner child

💙 Virgo Placements may join in big projects during that year, especially Virgo Rising, Sun, Moon, or Venus, it also can be something profitable for you

💙 Venus close your MC = receiving more compliments in that year/people appreciating you more

💙 Mars in the 3h/Aries Mars may indicate issues with your siblings (if you have), also joining in fights with others

💙 Aries Rising can boost your confidence that year in the Solar Return chart but also attract the same type of people

💙 Uranus in the 7H can indicate an 'unexpected' love interest, meeting someone randomly in that year (can be anyone)

💙 Indicators of being more recognized in the Solar Return chart:

Leo/Aries/Aquarius/Libra Rising

Venus - Asc aspects

Venus - Midheaven aspects

Sun - Midheaven aspects

Sun aspecting Mercury

Mercury in Leo

Gemini Moon/Mercury

💙 A year where you'll have water rising in your chart can indicate a year where you will be more introverted

💙Mars/Saturn or Pluto in the 4th house can bring tension at home during that year, changing homes, discovering something about your family

💙Jupiter in the 8th house may indicate a good time with your finances/money, but also you may find yourself being more sexual

💙 Retrogade planets in the solar return will show areas where you will need the most focus on depending on the house you have retrogade planets (if you have)

💙 Chiron, aspecting the ascendant in the solar return, can indicate lots of healing or wounds to yourself in that year.

💙 Pluto or Scorpio over the 7th house can indicate meeting toxic people or toxic situations in that year

💙 Moon in your 1st house can make you more emotional than you usually are. Can reflect a lot on your personality

💙 Mercury in the 11th house can bring new friends in your life. Is a social placement for that specific year

💙 You may start a job in the year you'll have uranus/saturn in the 6th house or switch to another job

💙 Mars in the 2nd house can spend more money on yourself or others during that year

💙 North Node will indicate a new path for you in that specific year depending on the house you have the NN in

💙 Virgo in the 2nd house may spend money on their health or medical care or vitamins in that year, or even on your diet/aliments

💙 Pluto in the 11th house is usually a year where you will feel that people are more cold with you, or mean, or you'll feel that ppl have something against you

💙 12th house sun can be a year where you will focus more on your subconscious and self - peace rather than other things

💙 Chiron - Venus aspects may have wound related to love topics or relationships in that year, even a possible breakup

💙 Sun or Venus in the 5th house can indicate discovering a new hobby during that year, can be something related with arts

💙 Moon in the 6th house can be a good year to reflect on your mental health, especially if you previously had depression, anxiety, and stress

💙 Mars in the 1st house can indicate a year where you will be more competitive, can be more harsh on yourself, more stubborn

💙 Venus in the 10th house can be a year where you will find love during your work/job, can fall in love with a co-worker, drama about your love life

💙 Lilith in Gemini/3rd house can indicate a year where people can gossip or talk behind your back, despite these you'll be more social and bold

💙 Lilith - Chiron aspects may show a year where you will struggle with your sexual desires, can end up with sexual frustration

💙 Sun or Mars in the 3rd house can indicate getting a car or driving license (of course, if you are close in age for these things)

💙 Mars, Saturn, or Sun in the 1st in the Solar return chart is a good time to focus on gym if you like it. Because your body matters a lot

💙 Since we are soon to end the year, here are some observations. Hope you love some new observations!! Enjoy and take care!!

Harm♡♡nix 💙 2024●

[godslino]

MIGRATION | bang chan first date series. strangers to lovers.

pairing: bang chan x fem!reader word count: 5.5k genre: fluff, romance, falling in love at first sight summary: you've never been lucky when it comes to dating, but a blind date with chan just might turn that around

chan | minho | changbin | hyunjin | jisung | felix | seungmin | jeongin · · · ♡ series masterlist · · · ♡ taglist · · · ♡

author’s note: hello and welcome to my first date series!! i seriously had so much fun writing this and i’m so excited to continue with the other members. i hope you all enjoy! if you liked it, please remember that any and all feedback is appreciated!! happy reading <3

“So…I know a guy.”

You groan, throwing your head back against the cushion of the booth you’re currently shoved into. Changbin drops his fork to gesture at you with his hand, a look of exasperation on his face.

“Come on, I haven’t even said anything yet!”

“The problem is that you’ve said anything at all.” You say, glaring at him as you reach for your drink.

Changbin, as much as you love him, is notorious for being the worst wing man in the history of wing men. His most recent pick, Jooyoung, was a friend of his from high school. A freelance writer, the owner of a snazzy apartment in one of the more sophisticated districts of Seoul, and conveniently single. They’d recently reconnected after a mutual friend threw a party that they both went to, and he was ecstatic to try and set the two of you up.

You’d been reluctant, rightfully so, but Changbin is anything but a quitter and you also just so happen to be the world’s biggest pushover (his pout is just too good, okay?), so you’d agreed on the off chance that it just might work out.

Long story short, it didn’t.

Jooyoung was probably the biggest asshole you’d ever been on a date with. Not that you were surprised, though. Changbin’s circle of friends when he was younger mainly consisted of grade-A douchebags who were born with a golden spoon in their mouths. Perks of being born into a wealthy family and attending one of the most elite private schools in the country, apparently. Changbin had attended a university on the outskirts of Seoul for a reason. Lesser known, laid back—to study music of all things—and the sole reason for his father’s headache, as he’d put it. That’s where he met you.

“Okay, but I think this guy might be the one.” He makes air quotes around the two words, and you scoff as you cross your arms.

“And what would you know about that?”

“Um, a lot? You’re my best friend, I know exactly what you’re looking for.”

This is the part where things go south—or so you assume. Changbin puts on the puppy eyes, jutting his bottom lip out to hell as he stares at you from across the table. You glare at him dead on, unwavering. He won’t get you this time. Not over your dead body.

“At least let me tell you about him?”

“No.”

“I met him at the company. He makes music just like me, only slightly better. And you know how I am, I don’t just say that stuff. That means he’s really good.”

Choosing to ignore him, you go back to poking at your noodles.

“He’s from Australia. Born here, moved there when he was young, then moved back to pursue music. Kinda ballsy if you ask me. But he speaks English, so at least communication won’t be as much of an issue as other guys.”

A small crack in your composure. The idea of this guy growing up somewhere other than Korea is…pretty intriguing.

Despite moving here three years ago for school, it’s still kind of hard to communicate when your Korean could be more polished than it is. You’d basically kept to yourself for the first year until you met Changbin. He’d easily integrated you into his group of other music majors, even though you stuck out like a sore thumb as both a foreigner and a stem major. But if it weren’t for him, you think that you might’ve hauled ass back home a long time ago due to the isolation. So to be introduced to someone who can speak english, under the prospect of possibly dating them, sparks a bit more interest.

Changbin notices the slight twitch of your brow and smirks, one side of his mouth pulling downwards. Bastard.

“Hmm, what else? Oh! Dude’s got a killer set of dimples. You’re into that, aren’t you? You used to go on and on about that younger guy in your physics class during senior year. What was his name—Jeongsuk? Jeong—Jinyoung? Jeongin! It was Jeongin.” Changbin snaps his fingers like he’s impressed with his own memory, pointing at you as you fix him with a blank stare. “He has dimplessss.” He sing-songs for emphasis.

And, really, this should not be the breaking point. You’re better than this. You’re not so shallow that you would throw away your pride for a man you’ve never met—let alone never seen before—all because he has dimples.

But, once again, you’re a pushover. A big one. So yeah, fuck it.

“What’s his name?”

Changbin blinks like he wasn’t expecting you to fall for it. “Seriously? That’s what got you?”

“You have five seconds to tell me his name before I change my mind.”

He scoffs, mouth agape. “I went as far as disregarding my own talents to play up this guy and his music making abilities—”

“Five.”

“—tried to give you a little bit of a backstory, too—”

“Four.”

“—and the dimples are the final nail in the coffin?”

“Three.”

“Chan! His name is Chan. God. Just—stop counting. It freaks me out.”

Chan. You throw the name around in your brain for a bit, pointedly ignoring the way Changbin is whining about how you sound like his mother when you do the whole number thing. It’s kind of…cute. Not enough to conjure up an idea of what he might look like, but putting a name to a faceless stranger with dimples in your head is gonna have to do for now.

“You swear this guy is normal?”

Changbin rolls his eyes. “Define normal.”

“Okay, let me rephrase myself,” you push your plate forward, laying your forearms on the table as an indicator that you’re serious, “Is he an asshole?”

“No.”

“Hm. Okay. So that’s a maybe.”

“What the fuck? I just said no.”

“Yeah? You also set me up with Jooyoung, remember? The guy who literally started flirting with the waitress right in front of me five minutes into our date? And then proceeded to yell at her when his fries weren’t salted?”

“How was I supposed to know…” Changbin mumbles, looking off to the side guiltily.

“Nevermind. Just—if this goes bad, I’m blaming you. And then I’m never going on a blind date with one of your friends again. Matter of fact, I’m never going on a date again, period. Deal?”

Changbin grins, the apples of his cheeks shiny under the restaurant lighting. He holds his hand out for you to shake, and you take it hesitantly, grimacing when he uses his strength to jostle your arm like a ragdoll.

“Deal.”

🎥🍿

Any hope you had for the date going smoothly starts to dwindle once Chan texts you the day of.

You’d gotten his number from Changbin, who had so kindly already given Chan your number before he’d even broached the subject with you. The resulting lecture about privacy and consent may or may not have extended the rest of your time at the restaurant, a sheepish Changbin rubbing at the back of his neck while you berated him for his lack of common sense.

When your phone buzzes on your bathroom counter, Chan’s name flashing across the screen, you mistakenly think that he might be messaging because he’s early. Which, given the fact that you were standing in nothing but a towel, hair still wet from your shower and face covered in moisturizer you hadn’t rubbed into your skin yet, would be less than ideal.

Chan [12:32p.m.]

Hey! I’m really sorry to have to do this, but can we push the date back an hour?

Something came up at the studio

I tried to get out of it but I have a deadline to meet, client probably won’t be too happy of their track isn’t done on time

Great. Already off to a rough start.

In his defense though, you appreciate the fact that he’s messaged a whopping two hours in advance. Most people probably wouldn’t be bothered to allow that much of a grace period.

You [2:33p.m.]

no worries!!!

you didn’t buy the tickets yet, did you?

Chan [2:34p.m.]

Nope! So we should be fine

I’ll purchase them for 6 and then be there to scoop you up around 5:30 if that’s cool?

You [2:36p.m.]

sounds perfect

hope stuff goes well at the studio!!

Chan [2:40p.m.]

You’re sweet

Thank you, I’ll see you soon :)

You’re sweet. You stare at the words on the screen, your brain buffering for a moment. A big fat loading circle floating above your head.

Suddenly it’s way too hot in the bathroom. You blame the fact that you shower with the water cranked all the way up to boiling, because really there’s no other explanation for the warmth spreading throughout your cheeks.

To be fair, it’s been almost a year now since you’ve had any sort of positive interaction with another male. On one hand, your last relationship ended in a ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ ordeal that most definitely gave the impression that it was you. On the other hand, most of the dates you’ve been on have ruined themselves within the first five minutes, never really giving you the chance to feel any sort of connection. Cocky attitudes, overly pushy encounters, and even someone who walked into the cafe you were seated at, took one look at you, and walked right back out. That one still hurts.

It’s a little sad that Chan is the only guy out of the mix whose elicited any sort of reaction out of you. Especially since you haven’t even met him yet.

The extra hour that you have to compensate for flies by a lot quicker than you expect, and before you know it Chan is messaging that he’s five minutes away.

You take one last glance in the mirror: a pair of light wash jeans that sit right above your hips, black halter top bodysuit, and a thin cream colored cardigan to tie it all together. Simple and cute. A movie date doesn’t really call for all the dramatics, and you’d hate to overdress for a first impression.

You’re in the middle of reapplying your chapstick when the doorbell rings.

Take it easy, you say to yourself, inhaling deeply as you reach for the door handle. You let the air out with one final huff, swinging the door open only to be met by a bouquet of daisies directly in front of your face.

You blink in surprise. Well that’s a first. Before you get a chance to speak, the bouquet is being lowered, and the moment Chan’s face comes into view causes a small gasp to fall from your lips.

He’s…cute. Beautiful, even. A bright smile, dimples that tuck themselves into his laugh lines as his eyes disappear into crescents much like the moon, and lips that make your head spin when his tongue darts out to wet them nervously. His hair falls messily across his forehead in a faded hue of purple with hints of brown, definitely unconventional and an obvious result of one too many washes, but he makes it work. He makes it work well.

He clears his throat, brings a fist up to his mouth to emphasize it, and then grins. “Hi there.”

It takes a second for your brain to catch up. Even his voice is attractive. He’s using english, which leads you to assume that Changbin has already told him that you’re not from here. His accent is there, not too noticeable but also strong enough to be picked up on.

“Hey.” You smile, rubbing a hand up and down your arm.

“These are for you. I, uh, as an apology for being late. Is it too much?”

You shake your head quickly. “No! No, these are—they’re beautiful. I love them. Thank you…Chan.” His name rolls off your tongue hesitantly, but it all disappears as soon as he flashes that smile again.

“Good, I’m glad,” his voice catches the breathy end of the laugh he lets out, “This is weird, isn’t it? I’m sorry, I don’t really do well with this kind of stuff. But you look really nice, and I’m excited. My car is parked just out front if you’re ready to go.”

Honest. Awkward. A laugh that makes you want to hear it over and over again. You were sold the minute his eyes met yours. Chan offers his elbow for you to take like you’re in some cheesy romance movie from your childhood.

Yeah. This one is definitely gonna go well.

🎥🍿

Chan might not show it, but he’s just as nervous as you are.

You wouldn’t be able to tell at first glance that he spent an entire forty-five minutes deciding on an outfit, only to settle with some jeans and a white shirt, a jacket thrown on top for some color.

When Changbin first proposed the idea of going on a date with you, he was adamant that he wasn’t looking for anything right now. But as soon as you opened the door, eyes wide and looking like the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen, he’s glad he said yes.

“So what movie are we seeing?” you ask, frowning when Chan laughs. “What? What’s funny?”

“It’s a surprise.” He smiles, rushing forward to hold the door of the car open for you. When he puts his hand against the top part to block your head, you have to suppress the smattering of butterfly wings that start to clamor against your ribcage.

Chan is sweet. He double checks that you’re buckled in before driving off, he asks if there’s any specific music you want to listen to before foregoing it all entirely to ask about you instead, he listens with an attentiveness that has you feeling seen and heard, and he smiles with such genuinity and warmth that you feel cold once it disappears. You stare at him in awe, like he’s a figment of your imagination.

Chan’s been staring back, too. He spares glances in your direction when you’re not looking, feels the steady thump of his heart gradually increase whenever you lean a little too far to the left when he makes you laugh, and he thinks your voice is prettier than anything that’s ever played on the radio.

You learn more about him as he drives. He moved back from Australia when he was seventeen, he’s got two younger siblings and an adorable puppy named Berry back home (and pictures on his dashboard to prove it), he prefers Australia’s summers over Seoul’s winters but he finds more inspiration here in the city than anywhere else. You resonate with the fact that he doesn’t really have anyone here besides a small circle of friends. No family, no one to fall back on when things get tough.

Chan talks like he’s an old friend, like he’s re-telling a story you’ve heard a thousand times. He makes it easy to fall into step with him as if you’ve been here all along.

By the time the two of you get to the movie theater, the initial awkwardness that had hung in the air is gone, replaced by comfort and ease. Chan throws the car in park and all but books it out of his seat to open your door for you, and you giggle when he makes a dramatic bow as you exit.

The theater is kind of busy for a Thursday night. There are families with their kids lined up to get tickets and groups of teenagers at the concessions, all of which make for a crowded lobby. Chan glances down when you place a hand on his arm, mostly because you want to stay close, but also because it’s hard to ignore the feeling of being magnetized towards him. He smiles, bending at the elbow to allow your arm to slip into his.

There are cardboard cutouts along the sides of the lobby, all of which serve to promote the newest animated release about a family of ducks. You squint at the showtimes once the two of you make it to the front of the counter, letting your eyes scan the movie titles until you finally land on—

“Two tickets for Migration, under Bang Chan.”

The girl behind the counter looks up, her eyes bored. She can’t be any older than sixteen, most likely resentful about the fact that she’s stuck here on a school night. “The kids movie?” She asks, unimpressed.

Chan braves a glance in your direction and—ah, there goes that grin again. Cue the butterflies. You’d agree to a three hour long showing of static and white noise if it meant he’d never stop doing that.

“Yup, that’s the one.”

Tickets in hand, a smiling Chan right next to you, and a massive line for popcorn that honestly might have the two of you late for the previews. “We’re seeing a kids movie?” You ask, moving up a spot in the line.

“Mmhm. I spent so long looking at all the options. The romcoms seemed boring, Bin mentioned that the newest superhero movie was bad, and I figured a scary one was too cliché,” he eyes you sidelong, “Unless you’re into that.”

You huff out a laugh, not really expecting him to be so straightforward, “I definitely am not.”

“Hm, so the old yawn to put my arm around you trick won’t work?” His eyes are playful, but something about the idea of being in even more contact with him has your stomach doing flips.

“Nope. Sorry. Seen that one before.” You say, making him laugh, his earring dangling when he drops his chin towards his chest.

“I guess I’ll have to figure out something else then.”

Another thing you learn about Chan is that he enjoys interesting food combinations.

“You like peanut m&ms?” he asks, throwing a bag of them onto the counter when you nod your head. After he pays, he pockets his wallet and turns to you with a bucket of popcorn tucked under his arm and a large drink with two straws in his hand. “Could you grab the candy?”

First door, theater one. There are a bunch of parents and their kids entering ahead of you, all of them buzzing with excitement. It’s a little funny, the fact that two grown adults—no kid in tow—are walking into the showing of a kids movie.

Chan leads you to the very back row. “For the kids, just in case they can’t see over us.” He quickly clarifies after noticing the way your eyebrows shoot up in silent question, but even in the dim lighting you can still see the tips of his ears turning pink.

“Taking me to a kids movie and then propositioning me in the presence of five year olds? You’ve got some nerve.” You say, timing it perfectly as Chan is leaning forward to take a sip of the drink that’s placed in the cupholder between the two of you. He sputters around the straw in surprise, coughing into his fist.

“That’s not—” You laugh, cutting him off as he stares at you with red eyes from his coughing fit. The mood shifts after that, and Chan visibly relaxes into his seat as he starts throwing jokes out a lot easier than before.

“Learned this from my dad,” he says, opening the bag of m&ms, “It’s my favorite thing to do at the movies. Haven’t been in a while because—well, I don’t really have anyone to go with.”

You watch as he dumps the candy into the popcorn bucket, shaking it to mix everything together. He reaches in to grab a piece of popcorn and an m&m at the same time, popping it into his mouth.

“Oh my god,” he sighs, slumping into his seat, “Forgot how good that is.”

When you don’t respond, he looks over. “You okay?”

Are you? You’re not sure. Every bone in your body is screaming bloody murder because Chan is making it really hard to not want to lean over and kiss the concerned frown off of his stupidly pretty face.

The thing about it is that you don’t do blind dates. And you most especially don’t enjoy them. But Chan is different. Chan holds doors open for you and makes corny jokes. Chan laughs at everything like it’s his last day on earth and he’s making up for lost time. Chan listens when you talk and responds with genuine interest. Chan compliments the little girl in the theater lobby who’s wearing a princess dress to watch the new superhero movie. Chan shares something as special as his dad’s favorite movie snack with you. Chan is just…Chan. And you like him. A lot.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m okay, I’m just—thank you. For sharing that with me.” You say, the corners of your mouth lifting.

“Stop doing that.” He mumbles, eyes trained ahead.

“Doing what?”

“Smiling. It makes my head spin.”

Your heart slams against your chest. You’ve spent the entire date trying to make sense of the way Chan makes you feel, trying to put it all into words. Yet here he is, right in front of you, saying his thoughts as they come and absolutely ruining your resolve in the process. Like it’s easy for him.

There’s no time to answer when the lights go down, the screen up front widening to signal the start of the movie.

Just like any other kids movie, it’s easy to get caught up in all the surface level jokes while also understanding the themes. You and Chan laugh outwardly at some parts, hold your breath at the suspenseful ones. It’s almost like you’re a kid again, enjoying yourself fully for the first time in a really, really long while.

Chan was right, the popcorn and m&m combination is good. You reach back into the bucket for more, freezing when Chan does the same and his knuckles brush yours in the slightest of touches, sending a jolt of electricity up your arm. It happens a few more times, each one leaving his hand lingering for far longer than the last, until eventually he makes a show of digging really hard for an m&m and hooks his pinky with yours in between the popcorn. It’s cheesy and cliché but god does it make your stomach do somersaults.

About three-quarters of the way through the movie, when it’s clear that neither one of you are willing to take it the next step further, you lean into his ear.

“You okay? You look kind of tired.”

Chan turns, confused. He’s certain that he wasn’t dozing off. He did have a late night last night. He was up working on the track that still somehow managed to hold him back today, hoping to have everything polished so that he didn’t run into any obstacles before your date. But that didn’t really work out in the end.

“Huh? No, I’m fine. Honest.”

“You sure?” you ask, a slight lift to your voice, “I don’t know, you looked like you were about to yawn.”

The light from the movie hits the left side of his face, illuminating all of his features in a way that makes your breath hitch. He’s pretty. So, so pretty.

Chan blinks, slow, and then his confusion slowly turns to one of understanding. Cue the grin.

“You know, now that I’m thinking about it…I am kind of tired.” He makes a show of fake yawning, stretches his arms above his head (and not blocking any children since you’re in the back row, thankfully), before bringing his right arm down and around your shoulders.

You spend the rest of the movie like that, tucked into Chan’s side while his fingers move gently against your shoulder. He’s unbelievably warm, and eventually you find your head resting in the spot just between his shoulder and his neck, his cheek pushed up against the side of your head. The position makes it easier to reach up and pat his eyes dry at the end, a single tear slipping out as he sniffled and mumbles a ‘M’not crying’ that has you giggling and doting all over him.

He doesn’t move his arm for the entire walk back to the car, and you momentarily mourn the loss when he opens the door for you (again!) so you can climb in. When he finally gets in on the other side, he says nothing, just reaches over to intertwine his fingers with yours and places your joined hands on the center console like it’s something you’ve done a thousand times.

“Ready to go home?” He asks, looking over at you.

You glance down at your hands, then back up at him. “Is it weird if I say no?”

“Not at all,” Chan grins, throwing the car into drive, “I was hoping you would say that.”

🎥🍿

“For you.”

Chan plops down on the bench, a hand outstretched with a steaming hot chocolate ready for you to take.

“Thanks,” you smile, cradling the cup between your hands.

After some deliberation, you and Chan had decided to come to the Han River. It’s quiet, the bridge lights reflecting off the water as the sounds of the city fade into the background. The temperature is slightly on the colder side, the tail end of winter just barely there. When he notices the slight shiver of your shoulders after a particularly strong gust of wind, Chan shucks his jacket off in a heartbeat to drape over you.

“Oh, you don’t—”

“You’re cold,” he scolds, pulling at the collar of the jacket to tighten it around you. His hand lingers near the base of your neck, fingers itching to reach out and touch. He doesn’t though, just smiles and settles back into the bench. “Plus I think Changbin might actually kill me if something were to happen to you.”

“Oh please,” you roll your eyes, “Ignore him. I’m not a baby.”

Chan takes a sip of his own hot chocolate, licks his lips to catch the excess. Not that you’re staring. “I’m serious. I mean, I get it. He told me that you’re here alone and stuff.”

You hum in understanding, turning your head to stare out at the water. “So are you.”

It’s Chan’s turn to look at you now, his elbows resting against his knees, and you watch out of the corner of your eye as his face turns unreadable.

The silence stretches thin, nothing but the sound of cars passing and a dog barking nearby. It’s kind of comforting in a way. Being on your own in a new place has been one of the hardest transitions you’ve ever had to deal with. There were times where it felt like a mistake, where you wished that you’d never even gotten on the plane. But then there were times where you felt lucky to be experiencing the things you are; to be able to try new things and pursue a life for yourself that you never thought possible.

“How’d you do it?” you ask quietly, turning to meet Chan’s gaze. “I mean, you were young. Seventeen is basically still a kid. Being alone in a place like this is scary as an adult, I can’t even imagine what that was like.”

Chan smiles, but it’s sad. His eyes twinkle with something like resentment, the lights from the bridge making it look like he’s glowing. A flame that’ll never burn out. “Would you believe me if I said I’m still figuring it out?” The end of it comes out as a laugh, but you can tell he means it.

“I don’t know, being a big shot music producer with deadlines and clients seems pretty figured out to me.”

Chan nods and stares at the cup in his hands. “My parents hated it. Still do, I think.” You don’t say anything. Chan is grateful for that; grateful for the space you’re giving him to explain. “They wanted more for me I guess. But I’m not sure that more would’ve necessarily been what I wanted, you know? I’m content with where I am now. I’m doing something I love, even if it took a while to get here. They don’t see it.” He chews his lip nervously, fingers playing with the soggy material of the paper cup’s rim.

Chan doesn’t know why he’s saying any of this. He’s not the type to completely bare himself out to anyone, to scoop away at his insides until there’s nothing left besides the hollowness he feels whenever he thinks about how he traded his life back home for a life of music. But you’re different somehow. Chan knew since the moment he saw you, felt it in the way your eyes lit up whenever he spoke and in the ease of how well the two of you got along. He was doomed from the start.

“I see it.” you say, your eyes still fixed on the water. “I might’ve only just met you today, but I see it. And I get it, too. Maybe not to the same extent, but the feeling of wanting to do something for yourself even if it meant losing something else. There’s purpose in that, in you. It’s okay to be selfish if it means you’re prioritizing your happiness.” You let the words settle for a bit, hoping that you don’t sound too shallow. When you turn to look at him, he’s already looking back.

“You don’t know me enough to say that.”

“I don’t have to know you to believe in you, Chan.”

A beat of silence, and then he’s laughing, short and punctuated as he lets his head fall forward with a small shake.

“You’re…”

“What? Corny?” you supply, smiling over at him.

“No,” he says, meeting your gaze. “Perfect.”

You huff out an incredulous laugh, looking away to hide the blush that’s spreading across your cheeks. “You can’t just—god, now who’s corny? Huh?”

“I never said I wasn’t corny.” Chan argues, sitting up to face you fully.

“Yeah but you can’t just say stuff like that.”

“Why not? I think you like it.”

Your mouth opens and closes quickly, lost for words. Chan’s closer now, a lot closer than he was before. One arm thrown across the back of the bench, loosely framing you in, he bends it at the elbow to bring a hand up and tuck your hair behind your ear.

“I never said that.” you mumble, your gaze flicking down to his lips and then back up again.

“You want me to stop then?” he asks, voice just above a whisper. You know what he’s implying the minute his fingers trace the shell of your ear, moving down slowly until they start playing with the collar of his jacket.

“Is it bad if I say no?”

Chan’s hand is warm to the touch, ice to fire. You lean into it. A moth to a flame, one that’ll never go out.

“Not at all,” he repeats, just like earlier, “I was hoping you would say that.”

A dog barking in the distance. Cars beeping as they pass by. A plane flying overhead. A group of friends laughing as they ride past on their bikes. The minute Chan’s lips connect with yours, everything fades, the sounds warbling together like static. Unintelligible; nothing besides the feeling of Chan kissing you matters.

It’s slow, nothing more than a press, but you feel it in every fiber of your being. Kissing Chan feels like the poles of the earth are colliding, meeting in the middle and sending its molten core spreading throughout your entire body. Warm, warm, warm. Chan is warm. He’s soft and gentle and his lashes tickle your cheeks when his eyes flutter closed halfway through because he was too busy etching your features into his memory.

You’re the first to pull away, admiring the way Chan’s eyes slowly peel open, lips swollen and pink. Unable to resist, you lean in and peck them once more, giggling when he blinks at you in shock.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been as compelled to kiss someone as I was just now.” You smile.

“Me too,” he sighs, resting his forehead against yours. “I don’t normally kiss on the first date.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t normally do dates anyways. At least not ones that don’t immediately go up in flames.”

“What about now?” Chan asks, raising an eyebrow. “Have I changed your mind?”

“Hmm, I don’t know. I kind of told Changbin that if this was a disaster I was never gonna go on a date again.”

Chan laughs and pulls you into his side, tucked right under his arm like the shape of him was molded in a way to make sure that you fit perfectly in his embrace.

“Is it bad if I say I like that idea?” He asks, glancing down at where your head is resting against his chest.

“Nope,” you say before leaning up to kiss him once more. He smiles into it when he feels your fingers playing with the curls at the nape of his neck, humming softly against your lips.

“Worst date ever, then?” he mumbles against your mouth.

“Yeah,” you sigh, pulling back to stare into his eyes, big and brown and brighter than the stars, “Worst date ever.”

[tags: @palindrome969 @summergirlsmj @n1staytiny ]

© all rights reserved. godslino 2024. please do not steal, translate, or re-upload.

[greenwitchfromthewoods]

baby steps. l Joel Miller

Summary: you were his very quiet companion on patrols

Warnings:  angst, a little bit of swearing, mentioning pregnancy, mentioning loss of a child, mentioning abortion, mentioning suicidal thoughts, generally - a lot of unpleasant things, Reader is 30s or sth, I guess

A/N: I've had this idea in my head for a long time. There are some not so nice things (read the Warnings!) but I hope the whole story won't be so awful. your feedback is very important to me and I thank you for all the reblogs, comments and likes. 🖤 sorry for all the mistakes

and i would like to thank you for the few kind words i have received recently. it scared me but was very nice. thank you!

The first time he met you was at Tipsy Bison when Tommy told him you would be his new partner on patrols. Footsteps were barely audible, and then a chair on the other side of the table moved and you sat down. 

Your eyes stopped on Joel's face for a moment, you nodded in greeting. The name quietly fell from your lips, and then you focused on the map that Tommy had spread out on the table.

Joel wasn't sure if you understood what his brother was saying to you. You were silent, sometimes nodding your head, nothing more.

"Is she even good for this?" Joel finally muttered as you said goodbye and left.

"What do you mean?" Tommy folded the map and put it in his jacket pocket.

Joel raised his eyebrows "She seems a little... I don't know. Distant?"

A quiet laugh escaped Tommy's lips "Really? And who's talking?" he took a few sips of coffee "Joel, you wouldn't patrol together if I wasn't sure she was good. She may not be the life of the party, but she's great at what she does."

Joel had the impression that he had seen you a few times in Jackson, but you were one of those people who kept their distance from others. So he looked like that to others too?

It was only the first patrol with you that made him change his mind about you, but he wasn't sure yet if this change was for the better. 

You were definitely not one of those people who needed to talk. Small talk wasn't for you, but you listened very carefully. 

The area around Jackson was no stranger to you, just like handling a gun. So Joel got used to you, and over time he even managed to get some information out of you.

You had been in Jackson for almost five years, you lived alone in a small apartment. You were alone. "That's the best way." No family or close friends, except for Maria. You were patrolling and searching for supplies. He was also sure he saw you in the library, but he never asked about it.

After a few months, Joel could clearly tell that you were the right person for the job. He even managed to make you laugh a few times or talk a little longer. You never asked him about the past, and when he asked you about it, you answered "We're at an age where everyone has some background, right? But not everything is suitable for talking about it."

"Your girlfriend seems nice." Ellie stated one day, and seeing his confused face added "I talked to her today. She said that this crap didn't let her finish high school, so now she's catching up on school readings. If I were her, I wouldn't bother. School sucks."

The warm coffee warmed his tired body, but after a moment he spoke up "You talked to her? When? And... She's not my girlfriend."

Ellie shrugged "We talk a lot. And you don't? You spend a lot of time together, I thought that..."

"You were wrong." Joel mumbled "Did she say anything else?"

The girl looked at him carefully. "You really don't know her very well, do you?"

He wasn't sure if he knew you at all. Did he have the right to demand that from you? You did your job thoroughly, he could rely on you, and despite everything you were still standing somewhere in the shadows, hiding from everyone.

"Is everything okay with you?"

Your voice tore him out of his reverie for a moment. You were walking through a quiet area, the fading grass crunching under your feet, and the cold wind slowly became more and more severe.

"Yeah, everything's okay." he replied, glancing at you over his shoulder "I was lost in thought."

"I saw. Good thoughts?"

Joel cleared his throat and stopped, and a moment later you stood in front of him, looking at him uncertainly. 

You really liked him. Miller might seem like a grump, but his personality didn't bother you at all. Women in Jackson also said he was handsome. You had a lot of time to watch him outside the city, you had to admit they were right too. But that wasn't what mattered, was it? You felt safe with him and you trusted him, that was important.

"Doesn't Ellie tire you out?" he asked finally.

"What?" you burst out laughing "Come on. I like her. She asks a lot of questions, but she's a cool girl. I remember when I was her age..."

You stopped as if the thought slowed down your thinking the moment it appeared in your head. Joel saw your eyes wandering around the area with an unseeing gaze.

"Were you her age when this started?" he asked, but you shook your head slightly "Older?"

"Not much." Your voice was quiet but calm "I was a senior in high school. It seems so stupid now... I had a crush on this one guy, fuck, I don't know why I thought of him now."

"It was important back then." Joel mumbled, absorbing your every word. "And your family?"

"They died. A long time ago." The answer was quick, but emotionless. "Why do you ask?"

Joel shrugged. "I don't know. Just like that. Maybe I'd like to get to know you better."

You nodded, analyzing his words for a moment. "You're weird sometimes, Miller." You finally stated. "Conversations like this don't lead anywhere. They only reopen old wounds."

You adjusted your rifle strap and moved forward.

Fall had come for good, and you were slowly starting to withdraw even more. He could see it. Patrols were almost completely silent, he rarely saw you among people or at evening community meetings. 

Even Ellie convinced him that something was going on, because when he asked her she said that she hadn't talked to you in a while.

"It's that time of year." Maria said when he asked her about you too, he was helping her fix the heating in her house. "You should get used to it, Joel. But... I didn't know you were so interested in her."

"It's not like that." he mumbled, but he felt a strange warmth creep up the back of his neck. "She's my partner on patrol. I want to know that she's okay."

"I get it." Maria nodded and sat down on the couch. "Have you talked to her?"

"I've tried, but you know perfectly well that it's not easy. You're her friend." the woman smiled gently. "Is there something she's not telling me?"

"A lot of things, Joel. Just like you, she's not very open to confiding. And this time of year..." she looked out the window where the wind was playing with the fallen leaves. "You should talk to her yourself, if you care about her. But you can also forget about it, be like everyone else, pass her on the street and just let her be. It shouldn't be that hard for you, right?"

And that was something he couldn't get out of his head.

When he saw that guy instead of you the next morning, a strange shiver ran down his spine. "She's sick." Mark said, pushing leather gloves onto his hands. "I'll replace her."

Joel nodded and they set off on patrol. However, his thoughts kept returning to you, he analyzed your last meeting, the last words you exchanged. You were even more subdued. He had the impression that he was forcing the next words out of you, and you just wanted to leave, to disappear.

"She's weird, but pretty." Mark replied when they took a break for hot coffee and a sandwich. "A few guys hit on her, but nothing came of it. Actually, I was hoping that you and her, you know..." he winked at Joel. "But maybe she's that type of person."

"What type?" Joel asked, chewing a bite of his sandwich.

"In times like these, people need each other. They want to at least pretend that things are normal." Mark explained, reaching for the thermos of coffee "And others simply adapt to it. They don't want to have anyone close to them, because it's risky, you know. I guess she's like that. A lone wolf."

But Joel wasn't entirely sure, because he knew you from a slightly different side, or at least that's what he thought. When he showed up at your door that evening, only silence greeted him. And it was the same for the next few days.

"Yeah, she's still in Jackson." Maria was sure of her words "I visited her yesterday, but I don't think..."

That was enough for him. That strange fear was creeping into Joel's heart again. He didn't know why. He was afraid, and all his thoughts kept running to you. It was as if a strange force was pulling him towards you.

"Hey! It's me. Open up." he knocked on your door, but it didn't help "I know you're there. I want to talk. You can't keep hiding."

No answer.

"I can easily break down this door." he declared "I'll make a mess and you'll just be embarrassed. I can do this, you know that. So... On three?" he cleared his throat as if he was preparing to actually do it "One!" Nothing. "Two!" he thought he heard quiet footsteps on the other side. He was about to open his mouth when the door opened slightly and he saw your face.

"You'll hurt your shoulder. It'll be my fault and you'll be excluded from patrols for a long time." you said "That's pointless. Go away."

"I'm not going until you talk to me." Joel replied, his dark eyes full of stubbornness that you knew so well "You can't keep hiding."

"Maybe I'm sick?"

"You don't seem to be."

And then with one strong push he opened the door and before you could stop him he went inside. His gaze swept the apartment, he heard your protests but didn't care. 

Like a storm he passed through the small living room, peeked into the kitchen and when he entered the bedroom he found what he was looking for.

"Fuck! Get out of here!" you hissed, rushing after him, but then you noticed the bottle of whiskey he had taken from your nightstand.

"And these are bedtime snacks?" he growled, throwing a box full of medicines to the floor. "You robbed a fucking pharmacy?"

"None of your business!" you replied, he saw the fury in your eyes. "You're the last person who should be judging me."

"Or maybe I can, because I'm the only one who's ever shown up at your fucking door? What did you want to do, huh?" he put the bottle down with a bang and walked up to you, but you didn't take a single step back. "We were supposed to find you only when the stairwell started to stink? Did you think about Maria? About Ellie? That girl really likes you. Did you think about..."

About me.

Your gaze, although full of tears, was unwavering. You stood there, arms folded across your chest, your throat constricted so tightly that you couldn't swallow.

"Joel..." his name sounded like a prayer in your mouth. "I don't know what you were thinking, but this doesn't concern you. You shouldn't even be here. I tried to keep you out of this."

"Why?" his voice was a little calmer "Why are you like this? I can't figure it out. At first I thought we just didn't know each other well, but after so many months. I heard how freely you talked to Maria, Tommy said that you used to babysit their kid. I don't understand it!"

You closed your eyes as if his words brought you pain, as if they evoked all the emotions in you that you wanted to hide. Tears ran down your cheeks, and a quiet sob escaped your throat.

"I don't know how to deal with this, Joel..." you whispered after a moment, looking at him with eyes full of pain "It all hurts me so much. Every day. Patrols with you were an escape for me, you didn't ask stupid questions, I could feel safe there. But it's all always for a moment."

Joel approached you, his warm hand caressed your arm "You can tell me everything, you know that." you nodded "Come on, sit down."

He closed the bedroom door behind you as if he was leaving something unpleasant and bad there, and then sat down next to you on the couch. When you calmed down a bit, you looked at him like never before, almost with tenderness.

"When I came to Jackson, five years ago, I wasn't alone." you started slowly.

"Were you with someone? With some group?" Joel frowned, trying to remember that detail that must have escaped his attention.

You shook your head. "No, Joel. I wasn't alone, because I was pregnant."

Something twisted his guts. He didn't expect this.

"It was the middle of the seventh month, I guess. It's hard to get regular doctor's visits these days." The little joke was probably meant to lighten the mood, but even you didn't smile. "I've had a long journey. I was alone. Almost." you took a deep breath, and Joel felt his hands go cold and trembling in an instant. "It's funny, you know. Long time ago, women my age already had two kids. And I was completely unplanned pregnant and I hated every single day. I didn't want this baby, but it was there. It was growing. It was alive. I could feel it."

"What about the father?" Joel asked quietly.

A strange grimace crossed your face at the mere memory. "He wasn't father material, if that's what you mean. Some random guy. You know, as women we have another bargaining chip. Something that really tempts some men. Something we can use to survive."

He knew perfectly well what you meant. He had seen many women like that, but he didn't judge them. Everyone did what they had to to survive.

"He was nice, if that's any consolation. We stuck together for a while, and then we went our separate ways. After a while, I found out I was pregnant. But I didn't have anyone or anything at hand to help me solve this... problem." you rubbed your forehead with your hand as if you wanted to get rid of bad memories "Some guy told me about someone who could get rid of it manually, but I was afraid of infection. Then it was too late. Days and weeks passed, and I hated myself and this baby. The nausea was killing me. I was no longer good at smuggling. I also had no idea what I would do with a crying newborn... I got to Jackson, I thought maybe someone here would help me. Maria was so wonderful." a faint smile appeared on your lips, but you weren't even looking at Joel anymore. Your gaze was fixed on your clasped hands "I started bleeding a few days after I arrived. Then everything happened so quickly... The doctor at the clinic couldn't do anything. I had to give birth, but... There was so much blood... And silence. There was no baby crying."

Joel felt as if a heavy stone was resting in his stomach. He couldn't tear his eyes away from your face, but he couldn't say any words that could comfort you. And what the hell would they sound like. But you didn't wait for that, the words slowly flowed from your lips. 

"The doctor said that my body was too weak, that long fatigue, improper diet, that he was too weak... I had a son. He was so small when Maria put him in my arms... And he was so perfect. I was so afraid that his crying would bring trouble to us, that he decided to be quiet."

"I'm sure it wasn't your fault..." Joel finally choked out "Things like that..."

"Happens. I know that." You interrupted him calmly "But it was my fault, Joel. When I saw him... I would have given my life so he could cry, so I could know he was healthy and strong. How could I have ever thought otherwise? What kind of person am I?"

Your voice broke. You looked exhausted and tired of life. Joel understood your guilt perfectly, he knew what you felt. Sarah appeared in his head in an instant.

"I had a daughter." His voice broke the long silence between you. "I lost her right at the beginning."

"I'm sorry." Your voice was quiet, but full of something that gave him some relief.

"After everything I wanted..." he cleared his throat "I wanted to do the same thing you wanted. I even tried, but... I know how you feel, it's so devastating, and it will never get easier."

"I still have him in my mind, you know. He'd be five now. He'd ask a thousand questions, and I'd have to make sure he doesn't get into trouble. Sometimes I think about what it would be like, but then I hate myself even more... I didn't want him. I wanted to get rid of him. Maybe it's because of this..."

"Don't say that." Joel grabbed your hands and squeezed them tightly. "You might have thought so. You were alone, and this world had gone mad. You got into Jackson, you could be safe here, but... These things happen."

You watched him carefully. Never before had you and Joel spoken so intimately, but you didn't feel embarrassed by it. On the contrary, it was the first time someone had really meant it when they said "I understand you."

"I'm sure she was beautiful." you said quietly.

"She was. And very smart. Much smarter than me." Joel added. "She probably would have gone to college or something."

For a moment, silence reigned again. You had the impression that you were both lost in your thoughts about the losses that affected you. You weren't beating each other, you just allowed yourselves to feel it all again.

"Did you really want to kill yourself?" his question brought you back to reality for a moment.

You nodded. "Look at me, Joel. I have nothing, no one. I don't know if I could ever get close to someone again. And all these thoughts only make me feel worse. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to feel anything anymore."

He understood it perfectly. After Sarah died, he felt that this world wasn't for him. Every day was torture, and the longer it lasted, the more he closed himself in his shell. Years passed, and Joel barricaded himself so much that no one and nothing could get him out. 

And then Ellie appeared.

"You know..." he began uncertainly trying to find the right words. "I know what I'm going to say will seem pointless to you, but sometimes it's worth gritting your teeth and trying to live on. Not jumping into the deep end right away, but slowly, day by day. I know that your son..."

The name you gave him when you saw his face for the first time came out of your mouth. Joel repeated it gently.

"Your son would have a really fantastic mother." he said "I'm sorry you had to go through this. I really am."

Tears flowed down your cheeks and Joel struggled to put his arm around you so that you could snuggle up to him. You clung to him, and for the first time he felt the warmth of your body, your scent, your tender touch when you hugged him.

You sat like that for a long time. For the first time you talked about everything and nothing, he heard your quiet laughter a few times and noticed how much he liked it. It was all like honey to his heart. The feeling of loneliness he had disappeared when you were next to him.

He saw you the next day on patrol. It was the first sunny morning in a long time.

"Hi." Your quiet voice was the best thing he'd heard in a long time.

"Baby steps, right?" He nudged your shoulder lightly.

You smiled and followed him.

☆☆☆

Thank you for your time.

[eddiethebrave]

secret admirer part twenty-two

759 words

one two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve thirteen fourteen fifteen sixteen seventeen eighteen nineteen twenty twenty-one

Eddie do you ever think about what you’re gonna do after high school? like how am i expected to know what i want to do with my life? i mean, i have another year to think about it but not that much can change in a year you probably wanna do something with music, right? make it big with your band and have people screaming your songs i’d go to every show if i could be your own personal groupie who knows? maybe that’s my calling p.s. have a good time at hellfire tonight i hope you win !!!!! -H

You’d think the win last night would put him in high spirits, and it did. At first. He celebrated with the guys, passed on the get together someone suggested, and drove home feeling proud. It was when he was laying in bed, though, that he started thinking. When he graduates, how often will he be able to ride a high like that? From pure accomplishment?

Steve puts on a brave face for morning practice. He doesn’t wanna drag anyone down with him. He goes through the motions of accepting congratulations and pats on the back from his peers and teachers alike all morning long. 

It only makes him think, though. 

Seriously, what comes after this? More school? Does he accept that internship at his father’s soul sucking company? Does he get a gob and jump right into adulthood?

What it really comes down to is the fact that Steve had never thought he’d have a future. Honestly. He’s getting closer and closer everyday to the next stage in his life, though. The years snuck up on him and now he has to deal with it. 

On a lesser scale, Steve doesn’t like thinking about what life will be like once Eddie graduates this coming May. How is Steve meant to tolerate this hellhole without him? Sure, he’d gone years without really noticing him, but now that he knows what it’s like to have a taste of him in his life, he doesn’t think he could go back. 

The whole thing makes his pulse quicken and sweat begin to bead at his hairline. By the time he makes it to art class, there’s a tension forming at his temples and he’s not looking forward to the headache. He doesn’t think he has it in him to act like everything’s normal. 

For once, Carol doesn’t acknowledge his foul mood. She’s too busy staring at Robin. For the portrait, of course. 

The teacher had informed them today the class is basically a free period and they can choose what to work on or what to not work on. 

Steve sits slumped over the table with his head resting on his folded arms. He kind of wishes Eddie hadn’t put the divider up and also that he had his sunglasses so he could stare at him without feeling weird about it. 

Instead, he rests his eyes and tunes into the sounds of pencil on paper surrounding him. He dozes for a while and has nearly fallen asleep when he’s awoken with a poke to his cheek. 

Steve peels his eyes open, but no one seems to be wanting his attention. There is, however, a piece of paper placed next to his left arm. 

It’s a drawing. 

A stick figure with tall swoopy hair and eerily realistic eyes. 

Steve looks to his left, only to find the culprit still hard at work with his face tucked behind the divider. 

Steve visually fills in the blank and surmises Eddie’s smile probably matches his own. 

Steve doesn’t dare fold the paper. He tucks it into the notebook he has to keep it safe. Throughout the rest of the day, he opens the book just to look at it. When he takes it home, he tapes it to a wall in his bedroom, somewhere he can always see it. 

Eddie did i ever tell you how sweet it is that your club has matching tees? i haven’t seen anyone who doesn’t do sports or the school band have a uniform but it makes sense that other clubs would, too you look good in black, don’t get me wrong, but GOD i thought i was gonna die the first time i saw yours so thanks for that also, while we’re on the subject of how hot you are,  you should wear your hair up more often p.s. sorry about the existential crisis on friday i wasn’t doing too good but i got a pick-me-up eventually <3 -H

twenty-three

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[onsomenewsht]

I just wanna feel something, tell me where to go

About when she wants to win gold and you talk too much but don’t answer her questions

《 read part 2, 'cause everybody knows something I don't wanna know

》 Alexia Putellas x fencer!Reader

》 words count: + 1.7k

》 the mountain’s call [way of saying]: the irresistible pull or urge to pursue a challenging goal or adventure

“You look like someone who needs to see the best place in the entire Village”

Alexia looks up from the pass’ lanyard she’s fidgeting with, finding your open smile even before spotting your outstretched hand. Her eyebrow rises on its own accord, always sceptical around strangers.

The Olympic Village is big enough to welcome the egos of some of the best athletes in the world, but not big enough to avoid their clashing. It’s actually encouraged.

Within a certain limit, obviously.

The footballer sees you in passing almost every day, given that the Spanish Team rooms are basically neighbours with the Italian Team ones. Your outgoing attitude and friendly nature make you pretty popular around the village. The fact you’re easy on the eyes and quite the talk among the players isn’t lost on Alexia either – she likes good gossip like anybody else.

“Come on, Reina, don’t let me stand here like an idiot”, your teasing words take her back from her overthinking one more time.

“Shouldn’t you be somewhere celebrating that?”, she points to the medal hanging around your neck.

A genuine smile rises on both your faces as you mindlessly hold the piece of gold to look at it one more time, feeling like this is some kind of dream.

Your gaze falls on Alexia, still sitting in a corner of a communal break room when her teammates are cheering all around for one more victory in their Olympic journey.

“I’m gonna celebrate for the next four years, I can spare some time for you”

“Congratulations, by the way, I heard it’s not the first one”, she takes your hand as you burst out laughing, helping her on her feet.

You may have hosted the closest thing to a party you can do in the Village when, just earlier this week, you won your first gold medal.

It’s not your first Olympics, it’s not even your first Olympic medal. But finally being a gold medalist? An Olympic Champion? You sure could not let it pass over in silence.

The short walk is filled with small talks and giggles, you do most of the talking but Alexia’s grin stays firmly on her face the entire time. You notice her rosy cheeks and more relaxed stance, holding yourself high with pride to finally see the blonde so carefree around you.

“How did you even find this place?”

The night lights of Paris really turn the city into some sort of fantastic dream, the view is easily able to take the breath away from the little balcony you open for her. You’re on top of the biggest complex in the Village, the usual chaos that fills the French capital is somehow just background noise.

“Fencing is an ancient discipline”, you start, barely avoiding Alexia’s playful hit on your arm at your documentary-like approach.

“Jokes aside, the Italian school basically created fencing, but then the French school redefined the system to what it’s like today and they will not shut up about it. It’s a long lasting rivalry between two countries that, sportwise, hate each other”

“Everyone hates the French, sportwise”, the Spain captain agrees, mimicking your move as you sit on the floor of the balcony.

“Fencing into the Grand Palais in fucking Paris is like playing every single game as a World Cup final against the host country in a stadium filled with their fans and colours”

“Dramatic”

“Of course! You’re putting Italian and French people in the same place, asking them to fight with swords, literally. It’s gonna be dramatic”, you let your gaze wander around as the blonde’s one tries to find something inside you.

Alexia waits for you, understanding just now how your cheerful and playful behaviour hides something more complex.

She has turned on your Team Final on her way back from the stadium, curious about it – about you – after the little party you put on for the entire Village following your Individual Final victory.

She got nothing about what was happening, not understanding how some hits were good and others were given away or not counted. She prides herself on being able to recognise good athleticism and quick leg ability though. The way you move on the piste, quickly but precisely in every single gesture, is mesmerising. The way your mind acts even faster than your body is even more captivating.

What surprised her the most is the way you hold back.

While your opponents celebrate any conceded hits and your teammates celebrate loudly all the successful points, you stay stoic and firm the entire time.

It’s something she doesn’t expected from you, usually so excited about everything.

That’s probably one of the reasons that brings her here with you in the first place.

“You don’t look dramatic when you fence”

“Oh, you watched me?”

“It was the bare minimum after your detailed commentary after our last game”

“I’m Italian, I’m a football fan from birth”, you say, rolling your eyes humorously, not ready to reveal that the Spanish team is the only one you care about keeping up with during this Olympic tournament.

Alexia Putellas just admitted she turned on your Final to see you win a gold medal.

“Wait, let’s just go back to you watching me fence”

She smile at your weak attempt to avoid her question, genuinely amused about you but pretty sure you’re gonna tell her everything she asks – eventually.

A comfortable silence between the two of you fills the air for some minutes, somehow guiding your bodies closer.

“How did you find this place?”, the Catalan winks when you turn to look at her.

“I hate fencing with the French”, you start to explain after a bit with a serious note underneath your voice, “I lost my last Olympic Individual Final against a reckless fencer with the most annoying Parisian accent ever”

Another moment passes, Alexia doesn’t pressure you but can feel you relax when she places her hand on your knee.

“Last time I was in Paris, I injured myself. I was out for nine months and lost two major tournaments. This Olympics being hosted here as I was supposed to redeem myself and prove to be good enough at the same time? Really took a turn on me at first”, you avoid her gaze as you sum up one of your biggest fears to a stranger on a balcony viewing Paris’ landscape.

“I needed a place to escape without running away”

“And here we are, facing Paris from a hiding spot”

How the footballer manages to understand you so well in such a short amount of time, in such an unusual setting, is really something that surprises you. Your eyes meet and you can distinctly feel your heart skip a bit.

“I befriended a handyman, this floor is for staff only as some sort of control room”

“This explains the private balcony”

“I should have started with this and not the unasked story of my life”

You can still feel Alexia’s hand on you, mindlessly caressing your leg as you try not to implode and hide the redness of your face. She smirks.

“We’ll play France in the semifinal”, she says with a hint of disbelief and irony.

“Fuck the French”, you state solemnly, “It’s basically a wanna-be repeat of the Champions League’s final, you’re going to be fine”

“If you just jinxed it–”

“I did not, I know an Olympic Champion when I see one”

The burst of confidence and the firmness in your voice, despite the easy way you’re both talking about Spain’s next game, are enough to subside the noises inside Alexia’s head – your voice is a good distraction and your presence is a welcoming discovery.

“How is it?”

“What?”

The blonde’s finger points at the piece of gold still hanging on your neck, you’re just glad it’s her other hand as you look back and forth between her and the medal.

“You won enough to know how it is”

“It’s my first Olympics”

“In Italian there’s a word, I don’t know if you have the same difference in Spanish. It’s olimpionico and it’s not like olimpico – olympic”

“You never go for the straight answer, do you?”, she interrupts you with a teasing smile.

“No, never done anything the straight way my entire life, now let me go on with my wise and deep talk”, you graciously – and quite bravely on your part, if you must say so yourself – drop your arm around her shoulder, releasing a breath as she smoothly adjusts her body closer.

“Olimpionico is formed from the Greek ᾿Ολύμπια, which means ‘competitions of Olympia’ so our Olympic Games, and the root of νικάω, that I don’t know to explain how but can be translated with ‘victory’ or ‘winner’ and you have to trust me on this one”, you’ve never been happier with your strict education and the Italian questionable school system.

“I’m still waiting for the point”

“I mean to say we have a specific word for an Olympic athlete who doesn’t just compete in the Olympic Games but actually wins”

“You won enough Olympic medals to know how it is”

“The last time we won bronze as a team and I lost the gold against the obnoxious Frenchwoman, Alexia, keep up”, you’re perfectly aware of her hand on your thigh and her eyes burning on your face – she definitely noticed your red cheeks and the cracks on your walls.

“It’s my first Individual gold and this is my first Team gold, it’s– I don’t know how to explain, but it’s–”

“It’s olimpionico?”, she indulges you, her accent around the Italian word is way more charming than the French one.

“You get it”

“Olympic Champion sounds so uncool now”

As the night turns into a darker shade of black and the Paris lights really do the city’s name justice, you feel like there’s something profound linking you with the athlete curled on your side.

It’s a shared desire to prove yourself to everyone, while wanting to make just a few close people proud. It’s a shared hunger to be the best among some of the greatest, but to make sure the ones around you shine as much.

It’s a shared feeling, deep inside, telling you’re right where you’re supposed to be.

[fairyysoup]

the devil i know

chapter one: god you've got the blackest eyes

(repost)

fic tag | fic playlist | fic masterlist

pairing(s): crossroads demon!eddie munson x fem!reader

summary: To summon a demon at a crossroads, simply cast a circle, make an offering, and recite an incantation. What happens from that point on is subject to your desire… and the demon’s.

cw: explicit, smut, dubcon elements, making a deal with a demon, inspired by american and european folklore, sacrilegious themes, horror, witch!reader, reader is 21+ in modern day, eddie is immortal, coercion (a bit), sex pact, marking, possessive behavior, animal death, trauma, reader is ostracized by her very religious hometown, dark comedy, tfw your accidental boyfriend is a demon who is obsessed with you bc he doesn’t know how to be normal about anything ever, dead dove: do not eat

please check masterlist and individual parts for content warnings before reading. this fic contains dark themes. your media consumption is your own responsibility.

a/n: Hi folks, for the month of October this year I'm going to be reuploading all the chapters of this fic onto tumblr, this time hopefully for good. I apologize for the time that it's been taken down. Genuinely, this fic has garnered so much kindness and support and I think of it as one of my biggest accomplishments. I hope you all enjoy it just as much the second time around as the first.

ALL OF MY WORKS ARE 18+ MINORS DNI

Through me you pass into the city of woe, Through me you pass into eternal pain, Through me you pass among forsaken people. Justice moved my exalted creator; I was wrought by divine power, Supreme wisdom, and primal love. Before me all things created were eternal, And eternal I endure. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here. -Dante Alighieri, The Inferno, Canto III

The book you’ve used for ages now, since late in your junior year of high school, has only one page in it that you haven’t utilized. You don’t know how much faith to put in it– you’re a little short on faith, these days– but, the spellbook lays it out simply, so you follow its directions to the letter. 

To summon a demon at a crossroads, go to a place where two paths meet on the dark moon. You find peace and quiet in the woods, deep where you know no one walks at night but two paths cross in a small clearing banked with trees. It’s your favorite place to go when you want to do a spell– ritual– and you don’t want to be bothered. The whole thing can’t be more than twenty feet across. Above the overhang of trees, there’s no moon in the sky, only stars.

Cast a circle of protection. That took more research than just the book in your hands, but years of collecting information have given you learned knowledge– there are a million ways to cast a circle, and different circles for different purposes. You do your best to create one for protection. You draw a literal circle in the dirt with a stick, fill it with salt, and walk around the circle three times clockwise to cast it. You light candles to give yourself some light, and to free up your hands of the flashlight you carried to see your way through the woods. 

Make an offering of copper. Your hand pauses on the copper dog tag in your hand. You’d thought of just offering a penny, but you remembered reading somewhere that pennies barely contain copper anymore, and you didn’t have anything else that was entirely made of the one metal. 

You run your finger over the embossed name on it. Lacey. Your pet’s old collar feels heavy in your hand as you remove the tag from the leather strap and bury it in the earth, you guess, to reach the… Underworld? Hell? You can’t honestly say, considering the text you’re referencing only calls it the Otherworld.

It’s a big sacrifice. It’s personal. But, you guess, that gives it more meaning. Making a deal is personal business, and you have your reasons.

Recite the summoning incantation. A stanza of words you don’t understand. You don’t think it’s in Latin, but you try your best, all the same. You read them from the book before you, and feel your blood rushing in your veins as you do.

State your desire out loud in a clear voice. Well, that’s a little more difficult. What is it that you want?

You take a breath, go to speak, and then stop. You don’t know how to start. You don’t know exactly how to describe your pain. You don’t know how to voice your anger well enough, you just know you need to… you need to get it out, somehow. This is a very crucial step in the ritual, you have to do it.

“I came here to make a deal,” you speak frankly, clearly. “I’m prepared to do anything. I’ve run out of options. I’ve been hurt too many times, by too many people who didn’t care what they did to me. I’ve lost everything I genuinely loved. I’m… I’m angry, and desperate, and I’m frightened. And I feel so alone. It’s eating me alive, and I just… I just want the ability to make things go my way, for once.” Good enough, you hope.

Wait for an answer.

You do. You listen intently, to the song of the leaves in the trees rustling in the slight breeze, to the crickets chirping in the grass. You wait long enough that you start to rethink your approach. 

It could be that things will turn around if you just wait another month, or another month after that. Maybe you’ll get the car back. Maybe you’ll get the promotion that was given to the newbie that you trained. Maybe your ex will stop coming around your work to intimidate you. Maybe you’ll get a new dog to take the place of the one that he killed. Maybe the evangelical town you live in will stop shunning you and calling you a witch, like something out of the middle ages.

Unlikely, that last one.

Just when you swear it’s a failure, that you should just pack up and leave, that’s when a strong gust of wind rips through the clearing out of nowhere. The candles blow out– and then, oddly enough, relight themselves. There’s a slight scent of smoke on the breeze, and you look around to make sure none of the candles fell over in the wind.

They’re all perfectly fine. There’s nothing amiss, it seems, until you hear a cough and movement across the clearing. You look forward, and see a pair of black combat boots in the stream of light from your flashlight. You follow the boots up to a pair of legs, clad in dark jeans, and then further up, to a torso, and a head, and a pair of sparkling eyes.

“Hi.”

You stare at him, probably looking like a fish out of water with the way your mouth opens and closes. You’d fully expected the traditional scary depiction of a demon– maybe horns, goat hooves, et cetera. But the man that answered your call is… just a man. A pretty one. He has long, curly hair, which falls over his broad shoulders and stirs in the wind. His plush lips curve up in a relaxed, cocky smile, as he takes in the sight of you in return. 

He quirks an eyebrow at you. “Are you just gonna stare at me all night?” 

“Sorry, hi. Hello.” You shake your head. “Can you believe I honestly thought I’ve been doing it wrong this whole time?” 

“I can believe a lot of things. You know, there’s a reason why the demon summoning ritual is first in that book.” His voice is soft and resonant. You get a mental image of heat waves radiating from tar-black and glowing magma, rolling slowly over lava beds. The image disappears just as soon as it flashes into your mind.

“Well, to be completely honest, I wasn’t sure how I felt about making a deal with a demon first thing,” you explain, looking away shyly. “But I’ve tried all the spells in this book and not a single one of them worked. Just seems like everything is getting worse all the time.”

He doesn’t look away– rather, he keeps staring at you, unblinkingly. Like you’re the most fascinating creature he’s ever seen. He leans up against the tree that he appeared beside, his leather jacket falling open to reveal a shirt with a demon’s head on it. Fitting. He takes a pack of cigarettes out of his jacket pocket. 

“So, now you wanna make a deal with little ol’ me, huh?” He grins, a gorgeous smile that flashes bright, sharp teeth at you. He lifts a cigarette to his mouth and bites it gently between his teeth. He doesn’t pull out a lighter. Instead, you watch him light up with a small flame that erupts from the tip of his thumb. 

“Depends on who you are,” you retort, eyes following the movement of his hands. They’re weighed down by large, silver rings that reflect the light of the flame before it snuffs out. “What’s your name?”

He makes a short noise in his throat, shaking his head abruptly. He doesn’t look nearly as intimidating as you feel he should– more like he’s trying to warn you against something you don’t want. He peers at you from beneath his wavy bangs as he pulls the cigarette from his mouth and uses it to point at you. “Names are really powerful things where I come from, babydoll. Best not to bite off more than you can chew yet. Once we cut a deal– that’s when you get my name.”

You make a face as you mull that over. “So what do I call you, in the meantime? Demon daddy?” 

“You could,” he chuckles. The demon rocks to the side, crossing his legs at the ankles. “If you really wanted to. I wouldn’t mind, it’s flattering.” 

You grunt. “I think I’ll pass on that, actually.” He tilts his head with a sicker, watching you with an amused smile while you shift in place. “So, do I– I mean, you need to know what I want, right? Is that how this starts?”

“No, I know what you want.” He exhales a stream of smoke from his nostrils. “You want power. To get a fair shake, find your place, change your life. Defend yourself against the assholes making that life, well. A living hell.” As he spits out the words, his voice rings sharp through the trees, like the strike of a hammer on glowing metal, shooting sparks off into the air. 

“I want to take all this pain and just… return to sender. Give it back to them, y’know? I never wanted any of it,” you justify. Your voice is too small in comparison with his. “Maybe then I’ll be able to fucking breathe.”

For how little space you allow yourself to take up, he seems to consume the rest of it. He nods slowly. “That’s a fair request, sweetheart.”

“It’s selfish, I know.”

“Making a deal for power is inherently a selfish thing,” he shrugs. “Own it. I’m certainly not judging.”

You let out a shaky breath. You’re still so nervous, being so near him– ten feet away and growing closer every second, it seems, even though neither of you have moved. You feel like, no matter how far you pull back, the flow of fiery lava he seems to embody will keep creeping towards you until you’re burned alive.

His dark eyes glow like coals in the night as he looks you up and down, and then he quickly pushes himself away from the tree. You startle at the abrupt movement, and watch as he swings around it like Gene Kelly on a lamp post. 

When he rounds the tree, he uses the momentum to throw himself toward your circle. You flinch, and he frowns, but continues moving toward you at a slower pace, holding his hands out innocently. “Wanna know a secret? About how all this,” he twirls a finger in the air, indicating the ritual you’re in the middle of, “works?”

You nod, gazing up at him shyly. If you felt at all powerful while casting the circle and starting the ritual, he’s managed to take the wind out of your sails. You can feel the power radiating off of him in waves.

He smirks at you. “You make your petition– when you say the words in that little book,” he points at the volume at your feet, “and that petition is answered by whichever demon caters most to that desire.” He points at himself emphatically, his eyebrows raised. “Me? Infernal majesty of freaks and misfits. I’m your demon daddy.”

You finally giggle, and it makes him smile fondly, like that’s what he’d been gunning for all along. He backs up a step and puffs his cigarette. 

“I’m here to help you, sweetheart.” He regards you for a second, like he’s thinking things over. “That is, as long as you agree to my terms.”

“Terms?” You echo, but you were sort of expecting that. Nothing for nothing, right? “What are the terms?”

“Ah, they’re simple. Very traditional,” he waves his hand like it’s frivolous. He holds his hand out in midair, and just like how he’d conjured the flames, he produces a weathered book. It looks like a composition book that has scribbles and doodles all over the front of it– the same demon head that adorns his shirt. “You sign your name with your blood in my little black book, you hop on one foot with your hand on your head and pledge your undying fealty to the dark lord Kthulu, and then you meet me on the sabbath to kill a child and make them into soup.” 

He smiles, fluttering his eyelashes at you innocently. 

“Are you fucking serious?” You blurt. 

“Of course I’m not fucking serious– what is this, the dark ages?” He snorts as he lowers the composition book. “Nah, we don’t do human sacrifice on the sabbath anymore, it was getting too difficult to evade the witch hunters.”

“What?”

“Nothing.” He flashes you a disarming grin. You can feel yourself halfway smirking as well, incredulous but somehow enjoying his humor. Then he shakes his head and says, seriously, “No, you do have to sign my book, though. And then meet me back here on the full moon to fuck.”

You blink at him, reeling from the whiplash of that. “You… I’m sorry?”

“I find it best not to sugarcoat it, y’know.” He shrugs, “Think of this as a marriage, of sorts. I give you the power to smite thine enemies, live deliciously, blah blah blah, and then you meet me at the crossroads every full moon to be my whore and we fuck like bunnies all night. Simple as that.”

“That’s far from simple.”

“It doesn’t have to be monogamous, if that’s what you’re worried about,” he continues frankly, “except on the full moon. I won’t compromise about that– you’ll be all mine, and I’m all yours. No takesies backsies.”

“No– that’s not–” You exhale, holding your hands over your eyes. “I’m just… not promiscuous like that…”

“Sweetheart.” He waits until you’ve lowered your hands to look at him, and he hums, with a saccharine smile that reminds you of the power you’d felt sweep through the clearing when he arrived. “You won’t be the first good girl I’ve broken, and you won’t be the last. If you’re worried about promiscuity, well… I answered your petition. I know what goes on in that pretty head, and it barely scratches the surface of what I’ve seen and done.” 

The toe of his boot barely nudges the edge of your circle, and a spark crackles in the dark from the impact. The light dances in his eyes longer than it remains in the air, like they caught the spark and ignited. 

“Trust me,” he says, drawing you in with the low register of his voice. “I can give you more than power. I can give you protection. I can give you real happiness. Karma’s a fucking bitch, so I can be, too. This is just such a little thing in return. And who knows… you may even like it.”

You shiver at that, even though his presence feels hot, like his stream of lava is surrounding you, crowding you in, boiling you where you stand. He’s right– you absolutely might like it. 

Because there’s just something magnetic between you, isn’t there? You can sense it, more than any heat and any sort of primal fear you might have instinctively at his presence. There’s a certain pull you feel toward him, emanating even through the salt barrier on the ground. 

You want to wrap yourself in him. Boil you alive, burn you to a crisp, destroy you– you don’t care.

“Or… is it that you don’t like this body?” He wonders aloud, striding backward two steps. He turns, his hand lifting his seemingly ever-burning cigarette to his lips. “Figures– y’know, I can be anything you want me to be, babydoll.”

Confused, you watch as he transforms in front of you. In the length of two steps while he paces across the clearing, his face and body stretches and contorts, until you’re not staring at the same visage anymore. He stops, and he turns to you with his palms up, like he’s waiting for your approval. 

You’re looking at Tom fucking Cruise. 

“Oh, no, absolutely not,” you shake your head vehemently, scowling. You wave your hands demandingly, “Put it back. You were so hot before– please, please go back to the way you were.”

The demon grins and turns his head, throwing the cigarette away. His hair grows back to its previous length, his face morphing as if made of clay until you meet the same pretty smile you’ve come to enjoy looking at. 

He chuckles, grabbing a lock of his hair and drawing it across his lips. “You think I’m hot?”

“Of course,” you murmur, but you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he can hear it. His eyes are embers, blazing at you from beneath his bangs. “Is that what you normally look like? Is that your true form?”

He makes an iffy sound. “It’s what I looked like when I was human. My true form has more horns and unhinged jaws and claws and all that. You wouldn’t like it.”

“I thought you said you could read my mind. Do you know how much monster porn I’ve consumed? That’s hot as shit to me,” you argue, and he snaps his head towards you in surprise. You point at yourself. “Freak and misfit.”

He laughs, and it sounds like the roaring of an out of control fire, burning up everything in its path. He kicks his heel on the ground and steps up to your circle again. “I like you, baby. I really do. What do you say?”

“How do I know that I can trust you?” you ask, an annoying lump forming in your throat with the question. You’ve been burned before by people far less powerful than this demon, yet who still hold so much power over you. However much they have.

“You can’t,” he answers, more honestly than most would. He tilts his head with a crooked smile. “Not to get all preachy on you, but even if I wasn’t a demon… trust is built, not a given. ‘The devil you know,’ right? Better than the one that you don’t.”

“Yeah,” you agree, your voice coming out breathy and winded the longer you gaze up into his eyes.

“Trust me to be… intense, I guess,” he shrugs. “And probably impulsive. But I’ll always deliver on our deal. Be my witch, my wife, my whore– whatever you want to call it, but be mine. I think we’ll have so much fun together.”

“Yeah, I think– I think I will.” You’re nodding, and his smile grows with yours. “I want to.”

“Let me in, sweetheart.”

Your toe scuffs the boundary on the ground, breaking the circle. Immediately, your senses are assaulted by smoke, not just the tobacco he’s been smoking but the scent of a wildfire, of cities burned to ashes, of desolation and destruction and pyroclastic flow and roaring, exploding volcanoes. 

Your demon crosses the line you’d drawn on the ground with ease, producing the worn composition book in his hand again. The cover reads Hellfire Club in chicken scratch handwriting. 

“Are there others?” You ask, prompted by the word Club on the front as he flips open the book to a middle page. An agreement is already written out in red ink. “Do you have more than one, um…”

“Consort?” He whispers in your ear. Goosebumps rise on your skin, and your stomach flutters. “Not for a long time. I’m very picky about my partners. They have to be just as much of a freak as I am.”

Your heart thumps loudly in your chest, although the admission makes you feel… better, in a way. You squint in the dark, but with the exception of the candles around your circle, there’s nothing to allow you to properly read what’s written on the page. 

He sighs, shifting on his feet beside you. “Are you one of those people who’ll read the whole contract?”

“Absolutely I am,” you hum. The book feels heavier in your hands than it should. “Can you give me a light?”

“Jesus Christ.” He produces a flame from his forefinger just as you turn to give him a confused look. 

“Shouldn’t you, like… evaporate after saying that?”

In the yellow glow of the flame, he just blinks at you, looking amused. “Things aren’t as black and white as you think they are, believe me.”

You snatch his wrist and yank his arm closer to the page. His body collides with yours, and he grunts in your ear as he wraps his other arm around you, embracing you from behind. You’re engulfed in the scent of smoke and the heat of his flames, impossibly hot and comforting all the same. 

His hair brushes your shoulder as you read his contract. It’s just a few lines, but the weight they hold will seal your fate. 

The agreement made this night of the dark moon shall henceforth be enacted from the signing of this document, that hereby renders the human party’s soul bound to the infernal party. Witness that the first party must appear before the second party each full moon to lay in matrimonial fashion, and that in return the first party shall be protected and given the powers of the second from here until the human’s mortal passing. 

“Aww, that’s sweet,” you coo, tracing the red ink with your fingers. 

The demon over your shoulder rolls his eyes. “It’s a fucking pre-nup.”

“Doesn’t seem like a fair trade, though, does it?” You murmur. “I mean, I get the power to change my circumstances and you get– what– sex once a month?”

His hand tightens on your waist, and you pause. You turn your head to look at him, and his eyes flicker dangerously, so close to yours. They aren’t just glowing coals- this close, you can see the small details. You can see the swirling, the churning of lava within them.

“It’s not just sex, is it?”

“What do you think making a deal with a demon entails, sweetheart? Read the fine print.”

You look back at the page. There are no other words on it, save for the ones you’ve already read. “I don’t…?”

“It’s your soul, honey,” he mutters, pointing at the word. His mouth is muffled against your shoulder as he peers over it. “I won’t ask anything of you other than the sex, as long as you live. But right now, you’re offering up your soul. And once your life is up, you get to be just like me. Understand?”

“I… yeah. I understand.” You let go of his wrist, but pause over the pages of the book. “I don’t have anything to sign with.”

Wordlessly, the demon takes your hand. You let him caress your wrist, feeling your pulse with his thumb. Then, before you realize what’s happening, a sharp sting makes you yelp as he cuts your skin with his pointed thumbnail. 

He shushes you, letting the blood well up on your skin. “I did say you needed to sign with blood.”

Your voice shakes when you hold your dripping wrist over the page. “I thought you said you were joking.”

“Not about the book. Rules of the trade, I can’t change it.” Your blood splatters the notebook, dripping into the crease of the page. Once he’s satisfied, he lifts your wrist to his mouth and closes his lips around the small wound. It heals in a heartbeat. 

“Is that it, then?” You ask, mesmerized by the sight and feeling of his mouth on your skin. “Don’t you have to sign?”

Your demon kisses your wrist gently, his lips soft, inviting. “This is going to hurt,” he warns, and you nod. The heat of his breath makes your skin tingle, all your nerves on high alert. 

But then that tingling turns into a burn, that turns into a searing pain. You feel like your skin is on fire, an invisible hot brand held against your wrist. You cry out as he holds you close, letting you bury your face into his neck, holding you up as your knees threaten to buckle. 

“Such a good girl,” he murmurs to you as you whimper. He holds your arm as the pain fades into a throbbing ache, cradles your hand against his cheek as he coos into your hair. “You’re so strong. Not many people can handle my mark, you know. Fate works in funny ways.”

Your demon holds you until you can stand on your own, until your breathing evens out and you can compose yourself. He shushes you quietly, rocking you from side-to-side with a soothing hand stroking your head. Then he holds your face, and kisses your tear stained cheeks. The touch of his lips stokes at flames beneath your skin.

“I’ll look forward to our time together, little witch,” he whispers. And with a quick, chaste kiss to your lips, he disappears entirely. 

You stay in the circle for a while, clutching your throbbing wrist and crying frustrated tears. You wonder if you made the right decision, and yet, you don’t understand why you just want him to come back. You miss the comfort of his presence, even if you don’t know enough about him to justify it. All he did was hurt your arm and take your blood and kiss away your tears and make you a witch. 

It’s too late to go back on your decision now. There’s an all-encompassing fire you can feel burning in your veins, emitting from the pulsating wound on your wrist. His power. His fire. 

You pull your hand away from your wrist to finally inspect the mark that he branded you with, declaring you his in the same chicken scratch that had been on the cover of his book. It’s small enough that a well placed bracelet would cover it, but you don’t know that you’ll want to.

Eddie.

Your demon’s name is Eddie.