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#if anything bad happens to them ill be so sad :(
say-hwaet · 15 hours
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The Dynamic Between Arthur and the Marstons (long post )
I guess I should say there are spoilers, just in case…
After playing the story through several times, I have to say, that Arthur Morgan is one of the best characters ever written. Aside from his development, there is so much depth to him, and regardless of his honor, there is so much to unravel.
I’ve been thinking about the relationship that he has between the Marstons, meaning John, Abigail, and Jack, and it really makes sense as to how Arthur acts the way he does around them in the beginning and all the way to the end.
A lot of his behavior, I think, stems from the loss of Eliza and Isaac. It is my opinion that he himself was torn between living a full life with them and remaining loyal to his gang, and before or by the time he had made a choice, it was too late, as they were killed in a robbery. This had haunted him since and it made him extremely bitter. Later in the game, he tells Rains Fall that he realized that he didn’t get to live a bad life and have good things happen to him. I also think that he was with Eliza after Mary had broken their engagement. I can get into my support for this later, but that isn’t what this post is about.
I think that Arthur was angry with John out of jealousy. He is the “golden boy” and clearly was Dutch’s favorite at one point. Not only that but after Arthur loses his own son and lover, John and Abigail get pregnant and he takes off for a year. He abandons his family, which Arthur takes personally. Arthur had tried to do right by Eliza and Isaac and still failed. So when John has Jack and is within the circle of the gang to help and support him, he takes off. Arthur gives up a potential life with Eliza and Isaac for Loyalty to the gang and John throws it all away. When John comes back, Dutch welcomes him with open arms, and Arthur believes that he would have been held to a different standard if he had come back after being with Eliza and Isaac for a long time. And it doesn’t help that John treats Jack like crap in the beginning of RDR2.
Arthur, imo, was a good father to Isaac when he was present. We can see this in how he treats Jack. In Arthur’s journal, he writes how he should have married Abigail, but due to his feelings for Mary, he didn’t. I’m not sure why after years of not hearing from Mary he would say this, but meh. Perhaps, the hope of starting over, or that she did pop in again at some point (which is how Abigail might have met her?). Anyways. I think he says he should have married her so that she would have someone to rely on and that he could be the father Jack needed. He cares about Abigail, but I don’t think it is anything beyond that. Arthur seemed to me not to be one to be with a woman without some sort of relationship, based upon how he treats women and the prostitutes in Valentine, so I don’t think he was ever with Abigail. Even so, Abigail relies on Arthur, and while he puts up a front, he gives her money for clothing and spends time with Jack. Heck, he even tells John to step up and be a dad. In some of Arthur’s conversations with John, he tells him that he can’t be two people at once. He’s speaking from experience. I think he’s subtly telling John he needs to make a choice as to what life he’s going to live. Hosea and Arthur both tell Abigail and John to leave at parts of the game.
When Jack is kidnapped, and eventually rescued, I think it is one of the most heart-wrenching missions and scenes. I can see it in Arthur’s body language that he longs for the family that he once had. He’s alone in his pain and when everyone is celebrating, Arthur doesn’t sing with the gang; there isn’t even the option to do it like it does other times. Even in my first playthrough, it seemed so sad to me. Everyone was drinking and singing, but Arthur just looked so sad.
So, it is at this point that John starts to step up, and Arthur starts to show symptoms of his illness. When he learns of his diagnosis, Arthur’s eyes open to the reality of the gang’s downfall, and he acknowledges the doubts/reservations he has about Dutch’s plans and schemes. He isn’t blindly loyal anymore. He tries to get John, Abigail, and Jack out, so that they can have the life that he had lost due to loyalty to the gang. He continually tells John to get out and that it would mean a lot to him. In his journal, after rescuing John from prison, he writes in his journal “…We’ve argued over the years, but I’ve grown to care a little for [John]. He’s less of a fool than he was, and maybe he can have the luck that has eluded me. Jack is an innocent little boy. In him, I see what I missed [meaning Isaac]. We did it.” This speaks volumes to me about how he feels about them in the end. He sacrifices himself to let John live. And though it isn’t forever, Arthur dies believing that he made it, and that matters. And hopefully, he could finally be at peace and see Eliza and Isaac again.
I could keep going, but I think I am too long-winded. I guess that helps when writing fleshed-out fanfiction stories, but not for posts. LOL
Would love to hear other thoughts or opinions, I’m always keen for a discussion.
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breakingpengui1 · 2 years
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i lov the lil birdies
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bunnihearted · 2 months
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hmm i like actually wanna kms
#big oof 🥴#if i try to talk im dramatic and emotional and only met with judgement ....#if i try to push it all down and pretend everythings fine i feel like im slowly dying#if i try to ask for help ppl only slap my hand away and dismiss me#if i complain im a negative pos who everyone hates#if i stfu and dont talk i feel miserable and like i have this big lump in my throat and i cant breathe#im never right or ok or valid or anything. im always wrong.....#im sad and lonely bc all i want is for someone to really truly love me and hold me#but truth is nobody cares that much if i would actually kms#but then im pathetic and whiny for crying in pain since i feel so alone and worthless#like honestlyyyy u can never win in life and esp if you're mentally ill and disordered and traumatized#and also just extremely sensitive even if u could choose u would choose to feel nothing#but ppl always complain no matter what i do :// im always doing smth wrong smth bad#like i didnt ask for everything that happened to me to happend and i didnt ask for it to shape me#and i dont want this or be like this bc my life is nothing but a miserable worthless waste of space#but im trying but im all alone in a dark hole like 12ft underground#and people who might see me wont do anything to help or just walk on their merry way#they will take a shovel and shovel even more dirt on top of me and make it even harder for me to crawl out of this hole#and like idek what im talking abt but this world is insane and people are fucking insane#and all everyone has is judgement and cruelness and calousness and like#ppl are just mean and they get personally attacked and angry if you dont live according to their standards and views and idk#ppl are insane and i feel so alone and im lying here knowing that my life is absolutely nothing#and im tired and i just wanna not exist. but really all i want is for someone to look me in the eyes and tell me i matter bc ive never#wanted to be saved. i've only ever wanted to be seen and known and like idfk.... i just dont#feel good but as always... i have to lie here alone and try not to kms bc i dont have anyone to ask to just talk to me for a little moment#like i cant even imagine... asking someone like hey i wanna kms pls talk to me for a moment#and have them reply immediately and idk i wouldnt even need long just like 10 minutes.#sigh idek what im rambling on abt im just so sick and tired and exhausted and i dont wanna die not really#but im so exhausted bc i have to carry this pain every day and people are so fucking awful but i dont wanna be alone and i just dont know
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whsprings · 3 months
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I either gotta set some boundaries (unlikely) or gtfo of here. I don't want to hear about how you're exercising or how scary eating out is or see fresh sh or
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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year
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...
#there should be a word for when youre talking around the tightness of tears#speaking against something that hurts#laughing specifically to undermine the seriousness of the statements youre voicing#the worst of both worlds. help me help me hahaha im not even joking hahaha but listen to the lies in my tone. dont focus on the words.#i want plausible deniability. but also i want u to understand my pain and give it a voice. speak it into existence because i cant say it#but if u do i might cry. that sounds hard that sounds like a lot. i kno i know. shut up. keep talking. do u think i dont feel it? i do#but if i split myself in two i can watch myself and suddenly it becomes funny. im not sure why. but i have a bad habbit of laughting at#inappropriate moments. because if its not funny then its just sad and what am i supposed to do with that?#i dunno. thats all to say my dad called bc i was looking at housing stuff and i was explaining some of the stuff im doing rn#and thats hard to talk abt without crying bc ive always been a cry bby but i didnt. and i love my parents theyre great#but they dont understand bc i havent told them all of it bc theres nothing they can do so y make them worry. and idk i also think they#think im less competent than i am. and part of that is just bc im their kid. part of that is bc there r things thst most ppl can do but i#struggle with. but its also not fun to hear: oh yeah i was surprised by how professional u sounded. or i think ur mom found u those#connections. when no. i did that. i made those things happen. i promise i can do things sometimes. but sometimes i cant. i dunno its just#it is what it is. whatever. decisions to b made. do i room with roommates for lower rent#or do i take an expensive place for a year for a single room? i dont want roommates but ill take them#i mean all the single places r like 950 at the very lowest without any utilities or anything but most r well over 1000 and like on a grad#student salary? i think not. not without losing money on net. i can deal with roommates. i have in the past. i wont b able to relax ever#but its fine. ya kno#just annoying. hah my dads sage advice was ah dont let it overwhelm u. go exercise. bc hes an endurance runner guy#and im like bro when i get home i have 1.5 hrs of daylight. but alas hes right. i do gotta run out my angers and its not enough#ugh. one more week. itll work out. and eventually ill walk into a counselors office like bro i just want u to tell me whether or not i have#0cd bc whatever the fuck it is that makes me do these things is absolutely destroying me. name the beast 0cd or 0cpd. tell me what box#i fit into. not that it matters but i feel like i cant complain until someone else rubber stamps me. actually then ill probably just obsess#abt how. actually. theyre wrong. ay fun times#i gotta shake shake shake my sillies out. and wiggle my waggles away. bc i never could let my kids songs go haha#unrelated
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gatun-gatunesco · 1 year
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Fleabag
"People make mistakes... that is why they put a rubbers in the end of pencils"
#personal post#So i kind of forced myself to finish Fleabag season 1. Since the beginning i knew was not something i would see for pleasure#of course was very difficult as 1) i have become sex repulsed once again and 2) she is really fucked up. She needs a terapist#it was a recomendation from them and i knew i just see them in the character facing similar problems and similar way of thinking#the last episode hurts a lot and hurts me more after what happened between us. the decisions they made. the way it ended again#i know they wanted to talk about this. i shame myself once again as i was so late to do so. But yet again. i was right about my fears#about how i saw them reflected in her. how they were taking a similar bad road in life. how they mental illness was going to mess up all#after what happened with him. how they did not said anything. how they just give it all to please him and make a nice memory for him#after how they let him just go full gallop and basically let him use them in the most vulnerable moment so far...#i can only wish they learn. that they realize. that they finally could apply something from the life of another person. even if is fiction#after finishing this season. i can understand and let the anger that i had in me vanished just as fast as it came#but the sadness will remain. the event will remain. the need for me to stay away will remain. i can not help them anymore#it will only hurt me not being able to help. to feel powerless meanwhile i just see them going a downfall. mistake after mistake#i could not bear to see the person i cared the most being that fucked up and not try to help. but i already did that mistake. it finished u#my role as a caregiver is still so mixed within myself. as since my mistakes i would not force nor try anything without them doing it first#so. for them that are indecisive yet impulsive. that are people pleaser even when it hurt them deeply. naive with a gold heart#that want to be friends with all as they feel so lonely. Prisoners of they body and themselfs...#going that softly versus everyone else who is more assertive (even them in a impulsive moment) was not going to work just with words#but i can not do it in another way. i am more sensitive and delicate than one could guess just by looking at me. is not in my nature#forceful? nope. without caution? no. fast? no. i can not hold anger. i can not be unforgiving. Even when i always remember#i can still do damage. just not in a convetional way and is mostly involuntary. i am far from perfect but i am also far from terrible#i am a person who also had done mistakes. But being honest. excepting one i never did something so bad i could not forgive myself eventuall#and i say all this because even with all the pain that is forcing myself to stay away. i just hope they could find a healthy road again...#without the need to make more mistakes or do such things that they may not be able to fix or came back at all...#for them to not regret still being alive. to be happy in a good way without destroying themselfs#i just hope i can be able to see that one day. even if is just from far away and as a total stranger#because i like thing no one else would see and enjoy they beauty in they own unique way#vent post#vent tag#tw vent
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dream-launch · 2 years
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How come when people talk about like tryna support people who are in a very rough place mentally they always give the usual you're not alone I'm there for you but never actually make any effort to be there - no reaching out, no desire to even wanna talk - like it's just bullshitting cause they know it would sound too obviously mean to be like oh your not okay? Well too bad don't bother me with that shit I don't care enough about you.
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watch-out-it-bites · 4 months
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Made so mucb preogress with the picrew...
#dead to world.. pain... back hurts.. cramps... kinda tired...#and yet it is. so so much fun. and i wanna continue so bad.#oh fuck i judt remembers that i have a project due on wednesday to make a storybook and some turnarounds#i love how easily i shove zampanio into all that i see nowadays#need to make an essay? make it avout zampanio! need to make a story? zampanio awaits! need to do anything in creative writing?#zampanio.#anything in animation?#zampanio!!#it makes it a lot more fun. i actuay want to do things when it involves that i guess!#hard to explain!#so sorry to my math teacher whos whiteboard i keep writing+drawing on with zampaniostuff. it will happen again.#i really love this schedule#im a little scared im going to be knocked out of it because of school#i am. enjoying this little routine ice shoved myself into#i dont remember anything from last week however! hrm#hhrnnnnmmmm#sigh#my back hurts so bad#hugs my electronics. ohh how i love you. the voice youve given me the way youve changed me. kiss kiss#the people youve let me meet and the wonderful things ive seen#i love you electronics.. i love the sounds and lights you give......#so many times i hug phone to sleep. it is cute litttle box that emits lightm how could i not.#its sad that computers are thinner nowadays makes them harder to hug#but on the plus side so very easy to pick up!#you know cuddling up into a plush pile with your favorite ill electronics or objects is so nice :-)#i think i have a broken computer part in my zampanio box and i dont know whether to consider it an eye or part of brain
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butt-puncher · 5 months
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I wish that I was more
#sad hours at the huskin bee#personal#graduating soon and the animation department is collecting photos of everyone in the drive#and seeing all these group photos of everyone in the program makes me realize how distant i am from them#and how close knit everyone else has become...#ive never been good at making friends and within like the first few weeks of school it was like everyone got to know each other#and the few friends i made in the program left after the first year#i wish my social anxiety wasnt so bad i tried harder to make friends in college#also i have an essay due on monday and i might just not do it#or itll be really half assed#ive been doing well so far in that class so if i dont do it i think the least id get is a C#idk maybe i can still make friends w these ppl after college somehow but itd still feel weird bc i had a completely different shm experience#than they had#ahhhh#i can imagine a future reunion where ppl will talk to be about old drama that was big among this giant friend group#that consists of most people in my year that ill have no idea what theyre talking abt#bc im never in the loop abt anything ever lol#this actually happened at my hs animation reunion except i actually knew and talked to most ppl in that class#i wasnt like super close to most of them but i had a few closeish friends#and i know one of those friends probably werent/arent in the know#also like i did hear abt relationship drama back in the day bc gossip spread p easily#anyways i was told completely new information abt someone getting stalked back then so thats wild#and apparently there was a super handsome guy in our class that i for some reason have zero recollection of#point is i be the last person to know something and if i know smth then everyone probably already knew#which is annoying. i wanna hear gossip too. even in my own family my sisters will tell each other and our mom about shit that went down w#their friends or our cousins and i only hear abt it when im in the room#so i end up hearing a lot but never directly and sometimes not in full#man i shouldve gone on more college field trips#shouldve done a lot more in life that my insecurities get the way of#tbh i genuinely think i might have a form of undiagnosed anxiety; tism; or some other mental disorder
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iholdwhatican · 4 months
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reunions
pairing: art donaldson x reader x patrick zweig
read part 2 here!
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length: 3.8k
tags: y/n is art donaldson's wife ; birthday party ; surprise visit from patrick ; art is down bad ; patrick wants y/n ; possessive!art ; the boys are fighting ; no use of y/n ; pining ; sexual tension
summary: you want to make your husband's birthday special, so you invite his attractive, charming, estranged childhood best friend in the hopes that they'll make amends. surely nothing will go wrong, right?
author's note: i can't stop thinking about them i am so ill. this is the first of presumably many challengers works. and yes i did make a new blog just for this, don't judge me. this is a drabble that was stuck in my head but I do have more for it should it be wanted! preferably something that leaves you sandwiched in between them :3
originally posted by iholdwhatican
You told yourself this whole thing happened out of the goodness of your heart. You’d just wanted to be a good wife and make your husband’s birthday the best it could possibly be. Because Art Donaldson was the most amazing person you’d ever known, and he loved you, and he deserved the world. There was nothing off limits when it came to him, no line you wouldn’t cross. 
You knew how much Patrick had meant to him, how much he missed his best friend. Your cheeks hurt from how wide the stories made you smile, how happy he sounded when he recounted the things he’d gotten into with the eccentric tennis player. And you knew how sad Art was that they didn’t talk anymore. 
So what better time to remedy that than for his birthday? That was a wonderful surprise, right? Right?
Upon meeting Patrick Zweig, your first thought was how the hell this man got along so well with your Art. Not to say he was a bad person, but he was just so… much. He was cocky, indomitable, the kind of person that knew what he wanted and what he was worth and wouldn’t settle for anything less. He was a force not to be reckoned with, no matter what. He was also unbelievably charming (and not bad on the eyes, which you would never admit), and you hated the way his sweet-talking got under your skin. 
He asked you how Art was. You told him he was fine. Retired, now. Making the most of a quiet life. You’d just celebrated 3 years of married life. He asked to see wedding photos and you didn’t miss the sadness in his eyes at missing the event. You happily obliged. It was the most romantic day of your life, after all. 
And you couldn’t help but internally pat yourself on the back. Patrick missed him too. You could mend the broken bridge between them, and your husband would be thrilled. He’d reward you for your good work. 
You asked Patrick to come to Art’s party. To make contact again. To come back into his world. He only hesitated for a moment, asked if Art knew and was okay with it. 
The lie slipped off your tongue easily. Of course, he’s wanted this for a long time. It’s a surprise, but a most welcome one. You didn’t have details on what happened between them- only knew of a falling out while Art was in college- but it couldn’t be that bad. Anything could be overcome, right? 
Patrick accepted and you hoped the lump in your throat was from excitement and not dread. You thanked him for meeting you, told him you’d forward him the details, and went back to your husband. 
The day of the party came, and you were so nervous you could hardly take it. You’d spent the last couple of days working yourself into a frenzy, convinced that this reunion was a terrible idea and your husband would hate you. You had no right to bring an estranged friend back into his life, on his birthday no less. And without saying a word to him. 
God, what the hell was wrong with you? 
You gripped the edge of the kitchen counter and downed your third glass of water. It did nothing to soothe the dryness in your throat. Or the pounding of your heart. You wondered how fucked you’d be at the party if you took a Xanax right now. Or five. 
Just then, Art peeked his head into the kitchen, donning a sweet smile when he spotted you. He looked as handsome as ever, sporting a well-fitting polo shirt and khakis. His hair was growing out again, starting to show those boyish curls you’d fallen in love with all those years ago. He made his way over to you, wedding band sparkling on his finger, and your heart melted. 
You loved him so much. Had you ruined his birthday with your stupid meddling? Maybe even ruined your marriage? 
“Hey, beautiful.” He greeted, sliding a hand around your waist and kissing your head. It was a familiar gesture, a normal one. He loved touching you, keeping you close. You loved it just as much, “The cake was just delivered. You went way overboard, as usual.” 
You pretended you weren’t overcome with dread and cupped his cheek, “Shut up. There’s no such thing as overboard. You deserve this, okay? You deserve to be celebrated.” 
Please, please don’t be mad at me for inviting him. For bringing him into our world. Please still love me. I did it for you. I’d do anything for you.
His eyes crinkled as he smiled- in that perfect way you adored so much. He leaned down to kiss you again, this time on your lips. It was gentle and caring and everything you were to each other. It made you want to cry. Art was everything. All you wanted was to give him the same. 
The doorbell rang, breaking you two out of the moment, and your husband pulled away. He tucked a strand of hair behind your ear. 
“Well,” He spoke, looking at you like there was nothing else in the world, “That must be our first guest.��� 
You hummed happily, “Guess it’s time to celebrate you, Birthday Boy. Shall we?” 
“We shall.” He teased, doing a mock bow as he offered you his hand. You took it, laughing, and the two of you made your way to the front door. 
You took a deep breath and tried not to focus on the unhappy way your stomach was churning. 
The first hour of the party went by with a pleasant lack of reunions-turned-altercations. Patrick had yet to show his face, and you wondered if he might not come at all. Part of you was relieved at the idea, while the other couldn’t help but be frustrated. 
He said he would come. What if the surprise didn’t end up being a bad thing? How would you know if he never showed? 
God, you needed a cigarette. 
You’d spent the entirety of the party so far glued to Art’s side, being his doting wife as you made conversation with everyone. Your eyes continued to stray to the door, looking for a certain dark-haired man. Every single time, you were disappointed. Disappointed, yes, but not surprised. From what you’d heard, Patrick wasn’t really someone who could be counted on a lot. 
Maybe this whole thing was just a big mistake. And maybe the part of you that truly felt let down at not getting to see him again was something you should never, never look into. 
You patted Art’s chest and stood on your tiptoes to whisper in his ear, “I’m gonna check on the food. I’ll be back.” 
He nodded, smiled, and pressed a kiss to your temple. His arm released its grip on you and he continued his conversation with an old Stanford buddy without missing a beat. He was fucking incredible. At everything. You were crazy about him. 
The food didn’t actually need to be checked on. The caterer was high-quality, and they knew better than to fuck up one of your events for your husband. You had full trust in them- you honestly just needed a breather. This whole night had felt like a cold fist clenched around your heart. 
Instead, you grabbed yourself a large glass of wine and made your way to the patio to enjoy some cool night air. 
The area was blessedly empty, allowing you to slip out of the hostess facade. You were more than happy to do it, especially when celebrating Art, but the circumstances tonight were making it much harder than usual. Which was, of course, entirely your own fault. Way to go, you! Knocked it out of the park tonight, didn’t you? 
You sighed, leaned against the railing, and took a long gulp of your drink. The weather was slightly chilly, and it felt amazing against your heated skin. Already, you were finding it easier to breathe. And think, for that matter. 
“Shouldn’t you be at the party, Mrs. Donaldson?” A familiar, spine-tingling voice spoke, breaking you out of your peaceful moment. 
You whirled around, eyes landing on Patrick fucking Zweig leaning against the wall of your house. A lit cigarette hung from his lips, his hands nonchalantly tucked into the pockets of his dark jeans. They went well with the button-up shirt he wore, a stark contrast from the shorts and hoodie he’d had on when you first met. He looked good- really good. Enough to make a pit grow in your stomach. 
“I thought you weren’t coming.” You blurted out, thankful that the darkness was shrouding your red face. His face was just barely illuminated by the orange glow of the cigarette, and you watched as he looked you up and down, “Also, how’d you get back here? I didn’t see you walk into the house.” 
Patrick kicked off the wall and walked over to you, pulling the cigarette out of his mouth. His curls fell over his forehead, and you found yourself fighting the urge to brush them out of the way- the same way you always did to Art. You swallowed deeply. What the hell was wrong with you? 
“I told you I’d come, didn’t I?” He responded matter-of-factly, blowing a puff of smoke into the air. The smell made you nostalgic. You and Art had made a pact years ago to quit together, but God did you miss it sometimes. You licked your lips and tried (and failed) not to stare, “I snuck in through the back. Thought it’d be less messy that way.” 
You had no idea how he’d been able to get back here, but you decided you weren’t gonna ask. It didn’t matter in the long run, anyway. Besides, he was probably right. You had no idea how Art was gonna react, and it was smart to have it happen in an isolated area. 
“Probably smart.” You muttered, taking another swig of the wine. The feeling of his eyes stayed on you, burning into your skin, but you didn’t meet his gaze. You didn’t want to think too hard on why. 
“He doesn’t know you reached out to me.” It wasn’t a question, but you responded to Patrick’s words regardless. He’d find out eventually. 
“No.” The admittance came out with a heavy breath, like you were releasing the weight that had been on you all night. In a way, you were. You ran a hand over your forehead, “I don’t know what happened between you two, he doesn’t talk about it. But I just- I’m terrified he’ll hate me for bringing you.” 
Why the hell were you pouring your heart out to this stranger? What was it about him that drew you in so much and made you want to bring down your walls? How was this charming man already under your skin from one damn meeting? And how the fuck were you supposed to explain any of this to your husband, his estranged best friend? 
You needed another drink. Or ten. 
“You really love him.” Again, not a question. But you answered. You had to. 
“More than anything else in this world.” 
Patrick offered you his half-smoked cigarette and you took it without thinking. The sting of the smoke in your lungs was like coming home. It was so good it almost made you cry. But lots of things made you want to cry right now. You could taste mint on the cigarette, like he’d been chewing gum before lighting up. The same kind Art always chewed. 
It made something flip in your stomach. 
“Well, from what I can tell, you’re pretty great. Super caring, based on how far you went in an attempt to make him happy. Shit, you tracked me down, which is a feat in itself. And you’re gorgeous, obviously. I’m surmising that you’re basically the whole package.” He spoke calmly, as if every one of those words didn’t make your heart jump into your throat. You chugged your drink to use it as an excuse for your rosy cheeks, “So I don’t think there’s any way he could hate you. Even for inviting me here.” 
You were speechless for five long seconds as he took the cigarette back and inhaled. Then you finally got your brain to stop lagging, “You don’t even know me.” 
“I know enough.” He countered, continuing the pass back and forth of the cigarette, “And I know Art. He wouldn’t marry someone beneath him. The fucker somehow always gets the ones way out of his league.” 
You didn’t comment, but you knew what Patrick was referring to. Tashi Duncan. The now pro-tennis player that he’d had a thing with back in the day. You didn’t know the details, but you knew she was a point of contention between the two men. 
Honestly, you tried not to think about Tashi. She was gorgeous, super talented, and an overall seemingly great person. Art had passed up on that for you, and it got to your head a lot. You wondered if he regretted it. Or at least wondered what his life could’ve been like. 
You didn’t think you were out of his league. In fact, you thought the opposite. Not that you needed to tell Patrick that. Your insecurity and jealousy issues could stay yours alone. 
“Well, I don’t know about that.” You murmured.
The cigarette began to dim as you took the last drag, flicking it off the balcony and down into the grass below. With both the alcohol and nicotine gone, you started to think you probably needed to get back to the party. Your husband would be looking for you, and you didn’t want to keep him waiting. You just had to figure out how Patrick would fit into the equation. 
“If you weren’t taken, I’d be trying to charm the fuck out of you right now.” 
The statement caught you completely off guard. You looked over at him, eyes wide, and tried to keep your cool at the sexy smirk on his face. God, he was so fucking attractive. 
You blinked once, twice, a third time, “What?” 
His smile grew at your flustered state, “I have great taste in women, and I’d flirt with you if I could. So I’m saying you’re definitely a catch. And totally out of Art’s league.” 
You licked your lips. Subconsciously, “I’m pretty sure that was flirting.” 
“Was it?” He didn’t even have the decency to look ashamed, “Oops.” 
You ran your finger over the rim of your wine glass, trying to think of something to say. You came up empty. You were married- to this man’s childhood best friend. To the love of your life. He shouldn’t be flirting with you. And you definitely shouldn’t be enjoying it. 
“There you are! I was starting to worry.” Art’s voice broke the tense silence, and you turned around to watch him making his way to you with a smile. Then he spotted Patrick and his smile dropped as his face filled with recognition, “You- what the hell are you doing here?” 
You opened your mouth to speak, to explain and mediate the situation, but the dark-haired man beat you to it. 
“Your pretty little wife invited me.” He said, which was probably the worst thing he probably could’ve chosen. You internally buried your face in your hands. 
Art’s jaw clenched and his eyes lit up. It took you a moment to realize that the expression was anger. Honestly, it took you by surprise. It was extremely rare to see him angry, and never was it directed at you. And though he was looking at Patrick, you were terrified that in this instance it was. 
“Let me explain.” You immediately choked out, clutching your empty wine glass like a lifeline, “I really just thought that-” 
“She thought you missed me and wanted us to reconnect. As a birthday surprise. Isn’t that sweet?” Patrick butted in, throwing an arm over your shoulders. Art looked ready to murder someone (probably the tennis player holding you), “I doubt it was easy contacting me, but she managed. All for you.” 
You laughed nervously, ducking your head, “Well, that’s not-” 
“Let go of her.” Art demanded. His voice was cold and dangerous. Possessive. It made something twitch in your core. Oh, you liked that. 
The brunette didn’t hesitate to do as he was told, holding his hands up in surrender, “My bad, man. I just feel like we’re already such close friends from hanging out together. Don’t you think so?” 
The last part was directed at you, and Patrick nudged you. You gave him an incredulous look. 
The charming, sweet man you’d just been talking to was gone. He was replaced by a cocky, near-disrespectful antagonist who was trying to egg your husband into some kind of altercation. And he was using you as the bait. 
You couldn’t lie that you were frustrated, but it did feel a bit nice to be in an almost tug-of-war between the two men. You liked being an object of affection or desire. 
“You should head inside, baby.” Art spoke to you, though his furious gaze never left Patrick, “Our guests will wonder where the hosts went. I’m gonna talk to Patrick for a minute.” 
You’d be damned if you told him no. Even though this situation felt like a mess that was definitely all your fault. Damn you for inviting Patrick. Damn him for being so captivating. And damn Art for loving you so much that the sight of another man touching you made him see red. This entire thing was like a whirlwind. 
“Okay…” You whispered, moving towards your husband and the house. You gave Patrick a small smile, hoping to convey your thoughts to him. Please don’t hurt him- he’s my world. Then you stopped at Art’s side and placed a hand on his bicep, “I’m sorry if this was a bad idea. I just wanted to make your birthday special, is all. I didn’t mean to fuck it up.” 
He finally looked at you, just long enough to give you a loving smile and a shake of his head, “You didn’t ruin anything. I’m so proud of you for doing all this for me. Don’t worry.” 
Then he kissed you, only to stop and pull away, “Is that- were you smoking with Patrick?” 
You sucked on your teeth and nodded, “Yes, a little. I’m sorry. I just-” 
But then he was kissing you again, hard and needy. Like he wanted to fuck you right then and there. Your face burned bright red, and you could feel Patrick’s eyes on the two of you. Art had never acted like this in all the time you knew him. But right now, within thirty seconds of being around his old friend, he was putting on a show to prove that you were his. 
You belonged to him. And he wanted Patrick to know it. 
You really, really fucking liked this. 
When he pulled away, you felt dizzy. From both the kiss and the wine you’d downed. You barely had time to take a breath before he was lightly patting your cheek and sending you inside. You managed to take a look at the two men before rejoining the party. They just stared at each other, like they were in a standoff. 
It was unbelievably hot. 
As you went back to your guests, lips still tingling, only one thought was coming to you. 
You wondered how long you could keep Patrick around, just to see what it would do to your precious husband. 
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teaboot · 3 months
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I'm surprised/impressed? by how blase you are about people threatening you at work. A neighbor threatened me last week and it was so scary and I wish I could have had the same kinda response you seem to.
First off, I hope you're safe and okay, that's an awful experience to be familiar with and especially bad that they live so close to you D:
Second, I'm certainly no maverick out here- I've only been doing this a few years now- but I've found that about 99% of threats I receive have very little intent to follow through.
The type of threats I usually receive are typically from:
Someone who's had bad experiences with security or police, in the past. People with hand and face tattoos, homeless folks, people with mannerisms that get them labeled as "sketchy", POC, and people who've been incarcerated all have valid reason to believe I'm out to get them, and may get treated badly elsewhere often enough that they're expecting that. Every time I approach someone, I have to take this into account and do everything I can to signal that they haven't been profiled based on preexisting stereotypes.
Someone experiencing the symptoms of a mental health condition. People with mental illnesses are statistically victims of crime more often than they are perpetrators. That said, I have run into people before whose mental illness can present as aggression- if someone behaving erratically or is known for that sort of thing tells me they're gonna blow my brains out, but I can clearly see they're unarmed, not coming towards me, haven't hurt anyone, and show no intent of escalating, I'm probably not in danger. A few people I've met will see me again in a day or two and will have no problems with me at all.
Someone who is scared, frustrated, anxious, or grieving. Not to excuse violence in any context, but in my experience 99% of people who blow up at me aren't actually thinking about me. Anger isn't so much an emotion in a lot of ways as it is the reaction to another emotion- if someone tells me they're gonna kick my ass, I have to question if there's anything they may be frightened, frustrated, or sad about something else entirely. If I can address and resolve what's causing the anxiety, the anger usually goes away next. If I can't deescalate, my next job is to disengage and make sure myself and others aren't at risk of harm.
People who want something from me. This does not happen often. Maybe they want me to back off, or leave them alone, or let them take something, whatever- maybe they think I'm someone with clearance to use physical force, or they think my flashlight is pepper spray. Whatever it is, once they've made it clear they're willing to act, I back off. Unless they're hurting another person, nothing they want is worth getting stabbed or shot over. And physical conflict is insanely stressful, even for the attacker, so even then whoever threatening me will likely take any "out" I can give- I keep paths of escape clear, stay out of range, keep calm and respectful. Every time this has happened to me, the person has run away when given the chance.
People who genuinely want to hurt me and intend to follow through. Again, this is super uncommon- I think it's only really happened to me once or twice on the job. Yes, it's scary, but I find it helps to remember that they arent after me, they're after the uniform. If someone is coming after me in costume, so to speak, it's not who I am as a person, it's what I represent. And a lot of people seem to think I'm a cop, or see me as a faceless goon, or a past abuser, or an intruder in their life specifically sent to make them miserable. If that's what they believe, there's not much I can do to change their mind except, again, stay calm and respectful and disengage.
I do know how to defend myself to an extent, but again, I don't have weapons or restraints or a vest or anything and I'm kinda small on top of that so really I'm cool with hauling ass if I gotta. If me getting the fuck out of dodge resolves the issue then I'm not above radio'ing HQ from the top of a tree somewhere, that shit is above my pay grade.
TL/DR in my personal limited experience, someone who has told me that they're going to hurt me wouldn't have given me the warning unless there was something I could do to avoid it. Stay calm, don't yell, be respectful, give them an escape route and run if you need to
Stay safe out there, yeah?
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licensedproldier · 4 months
Text
highlights from the brennan hank interview (aka taking notes on things that i liked or didn't know)
HE STARTED ATTENDING COLLEGE WHEN HE WAS 14?????
immediate jump off topic from hank to ask him about d20 (this happened while fhjy was airing)
"and the greatest project of all, my wonderful family with my wife isabella roland"
bonding over their children
brennan and hank's son both corrected their father's bedtime stories 💀
many elaine lee shoutouts
"his dad met my mom and fell in love" "you did that" "we did that, parent-trapped them"
was pulled out of school in 4th grade for homeschooling because the bullying was so bad....
started a company when they (he and his brother) were fifteen?? called Bootleg Adventures
hank's little awed hiss of "what" to the above piece of information
GOT PART OWNERSHIP OF THE WAYFINDER COMPANY AT 15
"knowledge is something that, when you share it, there's just more. there's no scarcity"
hank staring off into space slightly looking like brennan just blew his mind (we're 11 minutes in)
"we were 14 year old philosophy majors, if you can imagine anything more normal than that"
brennan unable to resist doing fun voices for the people he talks about
he wouldve loved to work at wayfinder full time and said back then hey maybe ill become a famous internet comedian or something and that's how i can help camp. now he's got texts from the staff saying how a bunch of dimension 20 fans have joined and its been a huge boon for them that way 🥺
"it's funny when a really bad plan works. dont make that plan."
"every new community-- is this too sad? no its true" THOSE THINGS ARE NOT MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE
anyway "for every new community i start with the presupposition that someone is going to pick me up and put me in the trash can" 😭
hank sniping him through the duplex door with "[when you do that] you kind of imagine yourself to be the value you're delivering rather than yourself, or that your value is in what you deliver and not who you are" and brennan going 😐 "that's a great point man"
both of them turning to do pained smiles at the camera 😭
"i think the value is in who you are" "that's really sweet i appreciate that" "but i also love that you deliver"
brennan quoting mary oliver
im starting to feel a little called out guys
robert mckee "stories are not about their premises they're about their conclusions"
brennan also staring off into space slightly thinking about what hank said
the REAL college advice brennan is giving is reportedly "put an egg in your ramen" because thats how you stop your eyes from going "matte finish"
shoutout to vanessa's dumplings for keeping this man alive
"i am ozymandias nerd of nerds, gaze upon my banner and despair"
the moment he felt like something changed was walking into C2E2 and seeing that the biggest hanging banner in the convention hall was of fantasy high. or, as brennan put it, "my dumb face"
"my friends moved in with their partners, the apartment i had with them scattered to the wind, the woman i was dating dumped me after three weeks, and i won a bunch of money on Who Wants to Be a Millionare" "wh- what???"
he taught emily, murph, siobhan, and zac how to play dnd 🥺 and was running a home game for lou at the same time
got hired at um, actually because his name was getting around for being a big dork
zac stepped down from troopers and sam liked brennan's character from a previous casting call (tim curry eating pizza) so he brought him in
its very charming the detail with which brennan remembers these important moments in his life
became a full time cast member in the same week he started dating izzy! "hard to beat week gang!"
"they told us they were launching dropout and everyone had to make a show, which, if you're been trying to make a show your whole life, that's like saying 'bad news guys, there's 24 birthday cakes in the break room and everyone has to eat a whole birthday cake'."
brennan was making a document for a market pitch on an actual-play show when he was called into office and THEY pitched HIM the idea of an actual-play show
"i guess i have tumbled through life to end up here ready to do this"
truly like. one of the guys of all time.
"some of the things that didn't make sense about you make more sense now" hank talking indirectly about how amazing he found all the moving parts of mentopolis and now getting to hear about how long and how many time he's done storytelling it makes sense
"yeah its the one skill"
"i wanted to tell stories before i was anything else"
🎉anti-capitalist rant🎉
"people used to say 'is ucb a cult' and i'd say 'in a cult, somebody is making money'"
HIGH FIVE!!!
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fatuismooches · 10 months
Text
The Fatui's Handbook to Interacting with [Name]
Below is a set of rules one must follow when speaking with [Name], Lord Harbinger Il Dottore's spouse. These rules may seem simple but do not be deceived. Even the oldest employees here have trouble with them, which is why the handbook is constantly being updated. Good luck. If you have any additions please let us know.
~ Above all else, do not make them sad, and do not make them cry. Bad things will happen if you do.
~ Do not ignore them if they speak to you. Do not be dry either, it will make them sad. One must find the right balance in conversation. They enjoy anything really, and will be excited to listen to anything you have to share. If you manage to make them smile or even laugh, give yourself a pat on the back, for they will probably make sure you aren't selected for one of the Doctor's tests. But do not overstep from there. The Doctor doesn't like other people getting too close to what's his.
~ Do not mention any other God besides Her Highness the Tsaritsa in front of them.
~ Do not mention their illness unless they bring it up first.
~ Do not speak poorly of Lord Dottore or his segments in front of them. They will get mad, and then bad things will happen. (You do not want to find out what "bad things" include.)
~ Do not speak poorly of them in front of Lord Dottore obviously, but also watch your words around Lord Pantalone, Lord Tartaglia, and Lord Columbina.
~ If [Name] and Lord Dottore or a segment engage in affection in front of you, do not look at them, and leave the room if possible. If not, continue working as if they're not there.
~ Complimenting their relationship with Lord Dottore will result in lots of smiling and giggling from [Name]. However, do not ever mention anything of the sort to Lord Dottore.
~ Feel free to ask [Name] for guidance or help around the lab. They would be happy to share their knowledge with you if possible. However, only do this if Lord Dottore is not around. He doesn't like to see others bothering them.
More rules -> x
Since you guys like this so much, I'll shamefully plug my fic here (if you like soft Dottore and more fragile reader!!)
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lxdymoon0357 · 1 month
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I’m seeing requests are open, craving Callisto (from Death is the only ending for the Villainess or Villains are destined to die) X reader. Prompt; they are in a relationship for years, and it’s healthy as it can be, and in healthy relationships arguments are bound to happen no? One day they have an argument that escalates so much that the reader cries, and this is the first time that Callisto witnesses them cry ever. Feel free to range this from tears sliding down the cheeks or full on bawling, but how would Callisto react to seeing his beloved cry for the very first time in an argument in a relationship they have been in for years?
(Okay, now I'm too sure if this came out well....But it's pretty short, kinda upset about that)
© Writing belongs to me, Lxdymoon0357. Do not plagiarize, but reblogging, liking and commenting is deeply appreciated.
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The heart tears apart...
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...They say guilt is like rust- it is slow...but powerful and it eats the person alive...How was Callisto suppose to realize that saying was true until your cries fell on deaf ears...? This was not what he thought was result in tonight's anger...And it was all his fault...
He had been upset all day after someone spoke ill of your relationship, saying you're too good for him or he's too wild or he's not deserving of it...He's proud of his achievements, including achieving your love, but sometimes when chronic words are repeated...
They're like tiny pebbles, they don't hurt but there is one stone once in a while which when thrown bleeds into the skin...and that's what happens with vile words of stupid nobles who speak the same thing over and over again...Suddenly he didn't like your relationship for a second, not because of you...Because of himself, he felt angry as his mind spoke that he was tying you down, that he was not worthy of this and that there was someone better for you...
"WHAT DON'T YOU REALIZE, IT'S YOUR UTTER FAULT THAT I DON'T LIKE BEING WITH YOU ANYMORE?!" He yelled angrily, his eyes seeing red
......Was that really him? The one who fell down on his knees in a dying breath when he was away form you for too long, and Callisto didn't realize what he said until it fell in your ears and tears slipped down your cheeks..
Those eyes whom he always wanted to be filled with happiness, the same face he wanted to glow with beauty, smiles and laughter were now covered in tears because of him and suddenly inside him broke as he stopped in between his words, frozen..
You staring down on the ground with tears down your cheeks as he stopped his words, absolutely torn apart,
"Baby-I...I."
he couldn't say anything as he walked closer, he had never seen you cry and he knows why he doesn't let you even cry cause the sight was mentally painful to make him cry on his own as he walked a bit close, taking a hold of your wrist of the hand you were using to rub your eyes harshly to wipe the tears away.
You tried to pull away, but his grip on your wrist was tight as he pulled you in a tight hug, hiding your face in his chest, letting your cry ins expensive tuxedo, inhaling his cologne to calm yourself, clinging to him...
You would have never expected an argument to end with this, as he gently cried in your neck as he sat down and picked you up, pulling him on your lap, apologizing over and over in your skin.
You can't deny, it felt bad...but seeing him upset felt even worse, as you softly ran your fingers through his golden-blonde hair, as if threaded with the purest gold in this world...with the shine of a sun, such a bright smile he had..how sad most people couldn't see it, you did...it was gorgeous and so his sadness hurts just as bad as his anger..
You softly pulled his face up and kissed him, maybe you'll try to fix this again, how gorgeous he was..you couldn't deny his love...and you didn't mind his anger directed at you, even if heart tears apart, he fixed it with all he had..
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factual-fantasy · 1 month
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TUNA I'VE FAILED YOU OH YOU DELICIOUS PIECE OF MY HEART HOW'VE YOU BEEN MY DEAREST PUREST LITTLE GUY??!??
Since the last post you made about him I've been wanting to ScReAM my love for him but I never had the time and the energy at the same time! D: until now >:]
BECAUSE WOULD YOU LOOK AT THIS?!
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THE SMILE! THE FONDNESS! THE "I KNOW IM LOVED" THAT THIS DRAWING SCREAMS IS MAKING ME SO INSANE I LOVE SO MUCH HERE
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Now, continuing to be an acceptable member of the Tuna Lover society.
TUNA YOU'RE THE ABSOLUTE BEST THING EVER.
Hold yourself because I have 0 self control when it comes to ramble about my specialist little guy and I'm afraid I wrote quite a lot.
Tuna looks like he is so tired. Look at him! His whole body language is screaming "I'm so tired but i dont really think sleep cluld help me". What did this rascal do that he's so tired? I wonder, but for some reason he looks more like being emotionally tired than anything. Poor bean! Did he had a rough week? A bad day? Is he feeling down? Maybe he's just tired for no specific reason, it happens sometimes. I wish I could cup him in my hands and pat his head softly as I rock him to sleep because he's so my baby :'[ <3
Ellie oh you heart of gold woman how lucky is the crew you're a part of it! Like seriously. She looked at this sad teen and said: not under my watch young boy. And went to cook his fauvorite rolls??!? She's so grannie coded I need her in my daily life you have no clue (oh no I got nostalgyc-). She's trying to hype him up and she's not just silently sliding the rolls under his hands. She's actually talking with him and something about physical contact. WAIT. IS THAT IT? IS TUNA SO VERY TOUCH STARVED THAT THIS IS HIS REACTION? OOOUGH MY HEART CANT HANDLE IT. I'll follow this train of thought later. (🚂)
Like. She's so gentle, so careful, so... She's really making sure she does all she can to lift up the spirits of that young man!
Because the way he's looking at her... the fondness.. the care and gratefulness????? Oh dear momma fish I'm dying. He's looking at her so sweetly! So gratefull! He's screaming "thanks for being a part of my life" without his mouth. He's screaming "I am so gratefull you love me" with his only one eye and I'm so down for it. I need more of them. They warm my fish heart so much... She's the grannie he never asked for bur always needed! Y'know? He's capable of looking at someone like that after all he's gone through and if that doesn't make me want to cry I don't know what does. Because that's just... OUGH I CANT WITH THEM HE HAS SUCH A TRAGYC BACKSTORY AND FEELS LIKE NO ONE LIKES HIM AND THEN THIS OLD LADY IS LIKE: YEAH, ILL BAKE HIM SONETHING SO HE CHEERS UP??!??! I NEED THEM HUGGING I NEED THEM BONDING I NEED THEM BEING A MEANACE TOGERHER BECAUSE OHMYGOD WHAT I WOULDNT GIVE TO SEE THIS TWO BEING LIKE THIS EVERYDAY.
A tiny part of me kinda wants to see one of them hurted really bad and the other protecting, but the other part of me is terrified of the mental implications it would have. Especially if it's ellie the one hurted. Oh no, no, let's end that thought there for my own sake 🫠
BECAUSE ELLIE IS JUST... SHE JUST BAKES HIM HIS FAUVORITR, I REPEAT, FAVOURITE THINGS WITHOUT HIM ASKING FOR IT.
Ok, returning with that train of thought (🚂)... I probably have alredy rambled about this before, but... When was the last time someone hold this guy gently? I mean, not even hold, but just... touch him without meaning harm? Or more precisely, when was the last time someone touched him with care? With fondness? With the intention to lift his spirit? To make him smile, at least a little tiny eety beety winesy bit?
She puts hers hand on his shoulder and he jumps, freezing with his mouth full of delicious food. It's her. Of course it's her, they were chatting alone in the kitchen, although it felt more a monologue as Ellie cooked than an actual conversation. He was too in his mind to really listen. The sudden contact was what made him blink with his only eye, staring at the caring old eyes of the lady at his right. It was nice. Warm and rough hands squeezed his arm softly, fully aware that she had startled him. She looked at him with a fond smile and placed the fresh rolls in front of him. "There, you better enjoy them boy!" She may or may not say. Thing is, his eye goes to the hot, delicious food, and then he realizes. The hand is still there. Gentle. Almost can't feel it. It's. Why? It's strange. It should hurt. But it didn't. Of course it made sense, but why? Of course it didn't! It was Ellie! And then the realization hits. All in a matter of seconds. Ellie would never lay a harming hand on him. And he felt... He felt.
"You can't eat literally with your eyes, you do know that, do you?" He forgot he was eating. He smiled. And seeing that smile made her smile too. After all, how couldn't she? That wasn't something she saw everyday! Much less in such a sincere way! He was just... smiling at her. Oh she felt so happy! "I'm glad you like those! If you want more just tell me!" Oh wasn't he in the verge of tears? Happy tears! Him! Oh. The realization hitted like a truck. (Or like a ship? What's the equivalent? Idk, like a punch of Louis if you please.) He was cared for. He was loved. There were hands in this world that weren't meant to harm him. He just smiled, fondness burning in his chest like a wildfire because how this woman can change a man via kindness/food.
What is so crazy is that maybe he's just staring lovingly at the lady that cares for him. Because he feels like he's a rock on the boots of the crew most of the time but he's good at what he does so they bare with him. Maybe he feels they don't want him around but... but this lady does. And isn't he gratefull for it? Isn't he so happy she's around? She touches his only arm in such a gentle way? The other won't feel kindness never again, did it ever felt it? Not punches, not grabs, no, just... placing her hand there. Like he isn't an animal with the rabbies but actually a just really fucked up little guy who is terrified of people because people gave him reasons to and barks and bites but is, at the end, very lonely and afraid because he pushed everyone away. Except for this lady. He tried. He bited and barked until he realized she doesn't care, that she alredy saw the scared guy he was and didn't cared. She didn't cared. She cared so much more than anyone that she didn't cared! She wasn't afraid! She wasn't going away! If anything, she sitted closer as time passed. And suddenly, a pet on the head. A so waited, so dreamed, so strange, so scary! Pat on the head. Gentle. Not like those who grabbed him to calm him down and only made him bark and bite with more energy. No. Gentle. It was new. It was nice. But he was afraid. Afraid. How long until she hits? He thinks. But she never hits. She brings him treats. Suspicious. But... not so... Why? It's just that he isn't used to see someone care. But she cares. And she doesn't goes away. And she doesn't turn her back. If anything, only to take the rolls out of the oven!
He doesn't thinks all that in the moment. He just wants. Oh. That felt nice. But was kinda unexpected. It's later at night that he thinks, if his three neurons decide to work. Mayne this is how his complex being feels but his tint neurons don't know how to think. He just loves and cares about the lovely woman that cares and loves back. I need more of them. They mean everything to me at this point factual I'm descending to madness.
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AWROROOGOOGGHHHHGGGGG YOUR LOVE FOR TUNA FUELS MY SOULLL!!!! 😭😭THSNKYIUUUUU!!!😭😭💞💞💞💞
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ill call your mom
trigger warnings - lots of mentions of suicide and the thoughts od doing, bad mental health. please dont read if you feel you cant handle this.
AN: this was written in one siting, not the best just me getting my own feelings out in a fic of some sort
Happiness.  
You're not sure the last time you felt true happiness, maybe when you signed for arsenal when you were 10, maybe when you made your senior debut 7 years later or maybe when you were first called up to England, but you weren't happy now, you hadn't felt true happiness in such a long time that you're not sure what it feels like. You weren't sad either though, you were just empty, disconnected from the world, your family, your teammates.  
You think it's how you've ended up here, curled up in your wardrobe, pills in front of you, you're not entirely sure what pills you've even picked up, you just grabbed every single one in the medicine cupboard that Beth and Viv had been stocking up for you since your injury.  
Your injury.  
It had come at the worst possible time, you were on your way to winning the wsl with Arsenal, on the form of your life, the world cup was just round the corner and everything you'd worked so tirelessly for had come crushing down from a movement you'd done thousands of times in your career.  
You think of that day now as you swallow the pills, you think of the days leading up to it, how you hadn't been feeling quite right, Jonas wanted you to come off minutes before the injury you'd refused and then there was the pop followed by an indescribable pain, pain you'd never felt before and then nothing. You knew as it happened that your world Cup dreams were over, your season was over, everything was over.  
You think of the days after, when you couldn't get out of bed, you couldn't cry, you couldn't feel anything, you haven't felt anything since your mind constantly frozen on that night, on the movement of your knee, one movement that had ruined everything.  
Football was your lifeline, it was all you had ever known, growing up in sporty family you'd been kicking a ball since you could stand, joining a team when you were just 5 year, up until that night there hadn't been a day go past when you hadn't kicked a ball or been out on the grass doing some kind of training drill. When you were being bullied as kid, football was how you coped with it all, when the shouting and slamming doors got too much you had football and when you needed football the most you didn't have it, you didn't have an escape.  
You were struggling to breathe now, gasping for air you couldn't breathe, and you didn't care, you were content with dying, leaving everything behind, your teammates, football that was really all you had, you wondered if anyone would truly care, if your death would leave them unsettled you think your teammates would be upset but you didn't think your death would life altering for them, they only care because they have to, because your their teammate and they have to care to some extent.  
You were losing consciousness now, you hadn't expected for it to happen this quickly for the side effects of the pills you'd taken to work this fast, as you faded in and out of consciousness you felt nothing but relief, it was a feeling you'd been craving for since your injury, previously you thought youd feel relief when you stepped on the pitch for the first time since the injury, except you hadn't felt anything, not relief or joy instead it was almost like a chore being subbed on, two years after you'd first tore your acl, two years of hell, two years begging to run again, two years of wanting nothing more than to be on a pitch again, yet you felt nothing as you high fived Leah letting you onto the field again, both sets of fans applauding your return back. it was like your injury had stripped everything good about you away from you, turning you into the silhouette of the girl you used to be.  
in hindsight you should've known that Viv would come knocking when you didn't show up for dinner forgetting she owned a key to your apartment, you should've realised that when you ignored your teammates numerous calls and texts that they would come running, always wanting to help the people they loved most.  
You could hear distant banging, desperate pounding at your door, then the click of a lock, your lock, then the shouts of your teammates screaming your name, the urgency in their voices becoming clearer. 
You're not sure how they knew that something was seriously wrong, maybe it was instinct or the way your bathroom had been torn apart, the beer bottles that were scattered around your living room or maybe it was your silence.  
You should feel someone shaking you, this wasn't death, you could feel the floor of your wardrobe, the clothes hanging up above you, you weren't meant to be back here.  
You were supposed to be dead.  
You could hear someone screaming at you begging you to open your eyes. 
“Oh god y/n wake up for me” 
They were crying and shouting for help, shaking your fragile body, you wish that they would stop and shut up for one second, but you couldn't speak, you couldn't move, you were just led there, listening to their desperate cries for help.  
You wish you had taken more at that second; you didn't want to have to deal with your teammates finding out, talking about your feelings, you didn't want that, you wanted to be dead there was nothing more you wanted at that moment.  
.........................................................................................................................
You woke up to beeping, loud harsh beeps, wires wrapped around your body, you wished you were mistaken, you wished so desperately that this was some kind of afterlife and not a hospital.  
A hospital meant you were still alive and still breathing.  
It meant it hadn't worked.  
Youd failed. Failed at something else again.  
You couldn't even kill yourself right.   
“Hiya y/n” You heard Viv whisper out.  
Slowly you opened your eyes, you noticed the bodies of your teammates laid out on chairs, each with the same concerned facial expressions, they smiled up at you. You turned your focus to Viv, she was sitting next to you holding your hand, you realised, she gave you a sympathetic look, you could see the worry in her eyes, she'd always been a worrier, always wanting to make sure the people she loved most were okay.  
“Why am I not dead.” 
You croak out, wincing as you do so your throat hurting. 
your words hung in the air for a few minutes, none of your teammates quite sure how to respond to such a question. In their minds the answer was easy, you weren't ready to die, you had a life worth living for, you were the most loving, thoughtful person, they knew how could someone so young and ‘innocent’ want to not be here anymore, not want to do life anymore.  
It was Katie who spoke first, her accent thicker than normal, her face full of worry.  
“Because you have a life here with us kiddo, life is so much more than what you may think it is, you still have so much left to do before you leave y/n.” 
You're not sure why or how but her words bring you to tears, she hadn't said anything groundbreaking, yet here you were moved to tears for the first time in two years, you hadn't cried since the night of your injury.  
You can feel Viv rubbing your back as you continue to let out tears, you're sobbing now, everything that had happened to you in the past two years coming out, everything the club psychologist had tried to get you out was spilling out of you, the thoughts of your teammates witnessing this sent you into another set of tears, you didn't want them to see you like this, you were a mess, you didn't want them knowing just how much you were struggling.  
Viv seemed to have sensed this as she forced everyone out of your hospital room leaving just you and her.  
She didn't say anything at first, she just continued rubbing your back, whispering soft Dutch words to you in hopes to calm you down slightly, remembering when you had a Panick attack before you made your debut that speaking in her native language had help you to calm down.  
Eventually your sobbing eased off and all that could be heard was your heavy breathing.  
“What happened y/n?”  
You're not sure how to answer that question truth to be told you didn't know, you remember grabbing the pills and swallowing them, but you don't remember what had switched that evening why you'd decided to go through with it.  
You had thought of doing it before, but you were always too scared to actually follow through, you'd written notes, gathered the supplies but you'd never put the plan into place before and you're not sure why you decided that today you would actually follow through.  
“I don't know” 
She just shakes her head in response.  
“You do sweetheart, you don't just try to kill yourself” 
You nod in agreement, she's right someone doesn't just do it, there has to be things leading up to it, you're just not sure why tonight, what had happened today that left you so ready to leave  
“I've been thinking about it for a while Vivi just today I actually tried I don't know I'm sorry.” 
“You don't have to say sorry kiddo, your still here and that's what matters the most to me, to us, were going to help you through this alright darling, I love you so much.” 
She says removing her hands of your back and going in for a hug, kissing your head as she does so.  
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