#if i stfu and dont talk i feel miserable and like i have this big lump in my throat and i cant breathe

[bunnihearted]

hmm i like actually wanna kms

[antixs]

Long time, no see

This is a rant btw. I feel so negative and angry towards myself and others. I feel like everyone hates me aka my coworkers who are like my only friends. I had this big goal of moving to Utah and working as a ski bum and I am here doing just that and now what??? I feel stuck and there's nothing else to look forward to. I'm terribly sick and I am convinced my emotional health is making it worse. I need emotional support and I feel I am lacking it. I moved away from all my support systems and completely isolated myself. The universe keeps throwing me challenges one after the other. I feel like I am not handling them well and I can't seem to get a grip. I am trying so hard to take care of myself. I was doing so much better alone in a hotel room. I feel like I haven't found my people and they are judging me. I stand out and I’m kinda over it. I came here so grateful and kind and I have lost it in the process. I have turned into a miserable, emotional, pity party. Who would want to be surrounded by that? I know I wouldn't. I love myself but I am lacking self love. I thought I found it but I think I am just faking it or I lost it somewhere along the way. I need people, I’ll admit it. I need people who accept me and love me. People who are like me and relate to me. People who will tell me as it is and stand up to me. I think I am getting sicker cause I am scared to go back to work and face these people. I seem desperate and clingy and needy. That is unattractive and I know that. But when everyone around me has people and I feel so alone how can I not cling to everyone. I am currently sleeping in a 10 year olds bedroom in a mormon house lol I am so grateful she opened her doors for me. But this isn't what I was expecting and this journey is harder than I anticipated. I cannot seem to stop the negative self talk and it is eating me alive. I do not know how to fix my situation. I do not have a place of my own. I do not have people to rely on. I know I need to just work on myself but that shit is hard. I am such a people pleaser and I want to be liked and adored so bad. I think isolating myself with new people for my birthday really hurt. Especially when people don’t respond to my texts. I feel like I pour so much love out to everyone and it isn’t returned but why should it be lol. I should be pouring that love into myself. I think I want to be loved and validated so bad I will do anything at this point, and that is sooo desperate. At least I am self aware lol. I never envisioned my 23 birthday to be laying in bed sick with no one (but luckily my one friend Val who is amazing) responding. I feel hurt and genuinely sad. I try to be such a nice person and considerate to others feelings and I feel like people dont take my feelings into consideration. Maybe this is me just continuing to be a pity party but I am hurt and I do not know how to cope. I figured journaling my thoughts would bring me some closure and maybe it did. I don’t know where to turn. I just want to be cared for and I do not know how to ask for that. I wish I could be independent actually and not just fling myself across the states on a whim just to feel alone and miserable lol. Hopefully this release of emotions will set me free. I am also angry...soooo angry. Angry at everyone around me and myself. I love myself but I wish others loved me too. Why do I crave the love and validation of others so much?? Is it because for the first time I am alone entirely. Yes I have made friends but they are so fresh and new. I feel like I am just unloading my emotional baggage on them and I do not know how to just STFU. I wish I could stop oversharing and talking all the time. Maybe that's a gift but I can sense I am driving the people around me away from me. Maybe I am not and this is all in my head. I need to give people the benefit of the doubt that they are busy and dealing with their own shit. They don’t have time to think about Emily and her stupid little emotions. This is the ADHD taking over. I am all over the place and I never know when to hold my damn tongue. This is turning into self hatred but at least I am getting it out. I want to be better, be more positive, be more productive, be more free. What is freedom. The option of doing whatever I want, whenever I want. The best piece of advice I got was for every action you take, there is a consequence whether that be positive or negative, I just have to accept the consequences for my actions. I high key am clinging onto this dude who prob isn't even worth it but he offered me the tiniest bit of nurturing and I needed that so bad. Someone who is looking after me and checking in on me and wants to help me. That is so hot. I feel like I fucked things up, but whatever if it doesn’t work out, it wasn’t meant to be. But fuck I want it to be so bad. I can't stand being alone and I just want a romantic interest. I do not feel independent. Okay actually I am just putting myself down. I am fully capable of taking care of myself, of meeting all my own needs, of loving and validating myself, and I will attract the right people this way. I am radiating love and light and independence. People will be attracted to me and the right people will find their way into my life. I am worthy of love and respect and I will only accept those who return the same energy. I am an amazing person who is incredibly strong and independent. Bitch you packed up all ur shit on ur own and moved to a new state to start a new job ALONE. You should be incredibly proud of yourself and celebrate this win. Everyone else I met came here with another person. I am the only one I know who came here completely alone. THAT IS FUCKING BRAVE, if you ask me. I am a brave woman who isn’t afraid to take risks and that needs to be celebrated. I am so strong and I can do anything I put my mind to. I can perceiver through anything. I am just hitting a rough patch and I know things are going to get better. I have a positive outlook on the future and I have the courage and strength to change my situation. I am not in control, I am just rolling with what the universe throws at me. I can tackle anything anyone throws my way. I no longer need to depend on others, such as my parents or Alex, for anything. I am fully capable as a 23 year old woman of taking care of it myself. I am housed. I am fed. I am financially secure. I am alive. I have an amazing job. I have amazing coworkers. I am profoundly lucky for this opportunity and I am incredibly grateful for it. There are people who are jealous and dream of what I am doing, but I made it happen for myself. I will learn to love myself. I will learn to love being alone. I will learn to enjoy my own company. I will learn to hold my tongue and share things only with those who I feel comfortable with and at the right time. I will  channel my energy in productive ways. I will work on my anger in a healthy way. I will take care of myself. I will nurture the body I was given and cherish the opportunity I have here on Earth. I will grow and transform. I will be the person I dream of. I am everything I need. I have all the tools in my possession and I will start using them. I love myself and I am grateful for all the universe and God has provided for me. Thank you to everyone in my life. Thank you to Mother Earth. Thank you to my friends and family. Thank you for my job. Thank you for freedom!!!

[whispersnightcinema]

Hello.... it has been many Years since ive entered my tumblr page.

I qant to express a story about how my world was once complete. I was part of the fetish world for many years until i met this vanilla. He was young, green eyes, sang beautiful songs, played his guitar for me every night. I slept so well. Yet our Regular ass relationship wasnt as exciting for me. We fought so much, it was so toxic. So Toxic that we both abused each other physically and mentally. Tore one another down... it was sickening. My stubbornness his erratic feelings of flying off the hinges was just a bad combo. Argument after arguments... it was Never happiness, just content. I never really tried to be happy with him. He did his best to please me or try to make me happy. Yet it just didnt work, i felt so drained spending so much of my money helping his stupid ideas of making profits. He failed. I was so fustrated.

Never have i ever Struggled with somone i was with until i met him. I stayed because it was a relationship ive never had before. We just never were cohesive. I'm a narcissist, I'm definitely better without a relationship, I just never really Did well in any type of relationship i was in. My Dominance and self centered personality will never change. My EGO is pretty much what kills any greatness that can possibly occur.

I am that BITCH. Im an Earth Dragon and we are more successful On our own. My heart is use to this emotion, I'm full of resentment towards him, i hate him so much. I only allowed him to keep the wealthy friends he made through me because they like hom better.

I give ko fucks because ive disowned the friendship with them. He asked to be my "friend"

I dont want to be his friend, i fucking hate being friends with Ex's, like if your not more then what i want you to be with me. I dont settle for less. My mom hates him. He sucked as a provider and he's a fucking messy slob.

I picked up after him until i just couldn't do it anymore. Like i shouldn't have to feel like i have a child for a boyfriend. FUCK!

I REMEMBER when I use to write about having a Southern gentleman as my dream guy. Well guess what it was a fucking NIGHTMARE of DOOM! They're so use to Mommy doing EVERY FUCKING THING FOR THEM.

Lazy AF cant help with anything even when i asked him to take the trash out...

Typing this makes me mad... Like How the fuck did I Allow this stupid relationship to happen for so long. Oh i know. I was "Comfortable" he will never make it that far in life. With his stupid fucking temperament and his know it all. Bs. Like ive never been so annoyed by somone so much. He never ever STFU for less then a half an hour.

LOOK all im saying is that, this relationship had more Cons then Pros. I use to record everyday time and date tht we would argue. HE NEVER SHUTS HIS FUCKING MOUTH.

I know i shouldn't talk bad abt an EX but. Fucking shit, how the hell do I even Vent to my friends when they will try to always make shit spiritual. All his friends were fucking skum ass losers who still lived with theyre parents, no actual jobs, No drive. I became so Miserable and got into Deep depression, never wanted to go anywhere with him. Just hated living with him.

I was only happy when dick was good. Then inlost attraction towards him. Sex life was just not there. It didnt matter if he had a big dick either, he never STFU abt my sexual experiences because he didnt get to have them with me. Well maybe if you didnt always talk down to me, disrespected me. And maybe BE A FUCKING MAN AND GOT OUT OF BS DEBT. Without always asking me for financial help. I'd be happier. Happy that a MAN can provide for me and i never had to struggle.

Finally after 5 years of lessons of being in a tpxic relationship and verbal abuse. Feeling taken for granted. We both agreed to part. I honestly felt like he cheated and the Guilt was eating him up alive, he moved out and never paid rent. Now he is a gypsy hopping to different shared. Rooms to Airbnb's with no real home. Because he isnt responsible