#if anyone wants context go to my previous vent post

[technologyvoid]

I'm gonna go sleep without taking off my makeshift binder wish me luck

[a-confused-teen-venting]

hello there.

i came to do this post to apologize to anyone who has seen my previous post and have gotten hurt or felt terrible because of what i wrote.

for context, i made a distasteful post about how people who stay in toxic relationships and complain about their partner dont deserve to keep complaining if they are consciously still deciding to be together with the person. i argued that if they are deciding to be together with said person even if people try to give them advice about the relationship, they sometimes have an attitude about how they can decide what they want and often push people away to stay in that toxicity.

when making the post, i failed to realize that my post made it seem like i was victim blaming people for being in their own predicament, which is totally reasonable and it made me realize that i really was doing that while being an moron in my rant. i failed to acknowledge that a lot of people in toxic relationships struggle to let go of that abuse being as they are chained to it by many reasons, such as trauma or dependency.

i didnt delete the post sooner cause i log out from this account, but when i read the handful of comments letting me know of my tone deaf and shitty behavior, it made me realize how much of an asshole take it was, especially directed as a “vent”.

so to anyone who has read my previous post, im sorry.

i should be more compassionate towards people who cant have the strength to cut off those that are harmful to them. my lack of compassion and selfishness made me blind of the more painful experiences people go through. ill be more knowledgeable of abusive relationships in the future. my post wasnt meant to be harmful but it fully was and i now realize that.

im sorry.

now, to anyone who cares, i hope you dont mind if i give some context with the relationships im in that made me make that post in the first place. i understand if no one wants read about anything i say anymore, but i guess i wanted to share this.

TW: abuse, self harm in the second half of the explanation

there are two relationships that delivered the context of that post.

the first one is mainly the reason of the post.

friend got into his first relationship not too long ago. although things started off well with him and his girlfriend, recently he has been annoyed and disappointed with her.

he has been talking about how he cant stand her, how their opposite personalities annoy him, how she isnt affectionate with him, that she doesnt communicate well and doesnt put much of an effort into the relationship as he does. is not that shes abusive, is that she seems to be more lax in the relationship compare to him and its messing him up.

he has only come to me to vent about her so im the only person who is aware about his dissatisfaction in the relationship.

i have, as any reasonable friend, been a shoulder to lean on. i been listening to his rant and given him advice.

at first i was trying to give the standard. communicate, talk about boundaries, talk about insecurities, make her feel safe in the relationship.

but then when things gotten to the point of him being tired of who she is as a person and even considering preferring another girl over her, i started to just think “he should break up with her”.

but he cant. mainly cause he thinks theres something wrong with him and that he has too much love that a person cant handle when i think this is just a problem of incompatibility.

i have always comforted him and tried letting him know that breaking up with her isnt the end of the world. that theres still a chance to meet someone else new, but he cant bring himself to do it because he has already done so much.

but, if he cant even think about being with her in the next five years then why even keep trying?

even today he left me a message of her lack of comfort. all i could say was that i wanted to hug him cause he doesnt deserve that.

which is why it annoys me so much with how he can’t bring himself to break up. i wish there was a way i could show him that is okay to fail at times, to let him know theres nothing wrong with him, that he should stand up for himself if she is not putting in the effort for him. but im also aware how really… weak he is to say the least.

writing this now, and seeing how his relationship was what made make the previous post in the first place does make me realize how even though i think i have good intentions i still am an asshole.

i just wish there was more i could do then just be his rant dump because thats all he even talks to me for. but im aware im not even doing any good in the first place.

now this next one will touch upon the warnings from earlier, so again:

TW: abuse, self harm.

ill admit i wasnt thinking about this relationship at first when i made that post, but it did remind me of the person in it.

i want to say im also going to go into heavy detail about shit thats probably useless in the first place so im sorry.

im a child of divorce, and when my parents were in the beginning process of divorcing, my mom started dating a childhood friend of hers. this didnt really give her the time to truly grieve on the divorce as she managed to quickly find a replacement partner that could give her the love and affection she needed in a difficult time for her.

although things started well, and we tried to get along with her boyfriend, soon enough things got bad.

fights and arguments started, physical altercations too, a big power imbalance occurred between us and her boyfriend, were we moved into HIS house and we had to be on our best behavior to let us live there.

either way, soon enough he kicked us out.

luckily my aunt let us stay in her house and we managed to stay there before my mom got a house for us to live in.

now, i dont know, maybe i am stupid, but you would think that after the abuse, the physical altercations, the disrespect with him, and getting literally kicked out of his house when we were depending on him will make you think my mother will break up with him no?

wrong.

my mom was allowed to come back to his house. every night while me and my brother stayed in my aunt’s house where we had to share a space with my cousin and follow the rules of my aunt, my mom will come probably for an hour or two everyday to take clothes with her and leave to stay with him.

for a year, i had to start being independent completely at the age of 18 as i also had to take care of my neurodivergent brother alone. i began to be very stand off and never open up about my emotions because i didnt have anyone to lean on.

it didnt help that it seems my mom always thinks im against her. any mistake that i made was an attack towards her, some that often lead to her get in trouble with her boyfriend or even my aunt or just in general that i was disobeying her on purpose. i always tried to be good and not bother her with my own existence but nothing ever worked so she made me feel like shit and i started self harming for half that time.

the only times i have opened up to my mom were through mental breakdowns where she finally acknowledged my pain and how much i hated that she would leave me and my brother to fend for ourselves despite how hurting we are. the first time this happened she said we will always be together and things will change.

on september an incident happened.

my mom was on a three day trip with her boyfriend on another town. they often do go out on trips, maybe to satisfy him so i dont stop her.

however, during the second day in got a notification on my phone from her boyfriend saying that they suddenly were at his house and that i needed to pick up my mom. i, knowing this guy is a prick, that he gets made easily because of his fragile ego, that my mom is depending on him for the trip, that they used to get into nasty fights and physical altercation, it made me scared about why were they even back in the first place.

thinking the worst, i came to the house to pick her up. it’s obvious he didnt want her, that he could leave her any time he wanted. so i came to her to make her realize she has a home, that im here for her, that no matter what, even if she keeps choosing her shitty boyfriend ill always be there to pick her back up.

when i got there she started yelling at me. that just me being there worsen the situation between them. mind you, she was outside and wasnt going to leave his house because she wanted to talk while he wanted her out the house.

she said that i basically fucked things up for her, and when she was removed from the house when the cops came, she had a completely breakdown she took off on me.

i dont want to get into the details. mostly that she said a lot of nasty stuff towards me. just that i made it worse by then running away. i was gone for an hour. and when i came back it just made her think more that i just didnt respect her in any way.

…to be honest at this point im not even sure why i keep writing.

long story short, she has expressed she prefers being with her boyfriend over me and me brother, despite the fact i sometimes hear that asshole berate her for no reason. i have to keep him in my life just because she lets him in our home and he is still entangled with my mother.

he makes her cry, he makes her hurt, she cant let go of him because she loves him so much.

and all i can do is sit and watch.

because in my mind, why is it that you prefer that asshole over your own children?

i know im not innocent in this bullshit. i have become very resentful as a person despite being aware that my mother is just a weak individual. i guess that anger and frustration is why i made that post in the first place. i guess is also why i feel so ashamed in myself, especially when it comes to having feelings for someone and being vulnerable.

im sorry to anyone ive hurt in my post again. i know my trauma doesnt change the fact that i was still being insensitive about other people’s struggles and still am.

im sorry.

[adultstuff0]

also u quite literally said in your previous post “If they don't want to be exposed to NSFW, they can block my account or simply DNI.”

yet you got upset for someone blocking you because they probably dont want to be exposed to nsfw??

caregivers can set that boundary too, not just regressors. not to be rude but make it make sense.

Correct, I did say that blocking or DNI is totally within everyone’s rights. But I think you’re missing my actual point here.

I use this account for everything—SFW, NSFW, and venting. It’s a consolidated space where I manage different aspects of my life, including age regression and personal healing, which happens to involve NSFW content. However, having NSFW posts doesn’t automatically mean I’m going to act inappropriately toward someone else, especially in the context of age regression. There’s no reason to assume I’m out to harm anyone simply based on the content of my profile without any evidence to support that.

To be clear, I don’t have an issue with people blocking me if they don’t feel comfortable following an account with NSFW content. That’s perfectly fine, and I respect those boundaries. But what I take issue with is the automatic judgment and assumption that I’m sexualizing age regression solely because I have NSFW posts on my profile. The person who blocked me didn’t even give me a chance to explain myself or clarify my intentions. All I did was politely ask if they’d be interested in a caregiver role, and they immediately assumed the worst without any dialogue.

The frustration here is that I was made out to be the problem simply for owning an NSFW profile, as though that’s proof of inappropriate intent. But NSFW content is often part of trauma healing for many people, and I’m far from alone in needing both SFW and NSFW spaces. Age regression is supposed to be a safe space for those coping with trauma, and judging or blocking someone because of assumptions feels counterproductive to that goal. If someone has an issue with NSFW content, they can avoid it without assuming every person involved in both age regression and NSFW spaces is inherently unsafe or sexualizing regression.

In fact, people within your own community have reached out to me privately to agree with this viewpoint, and I’ve received messages of support, reposts, and likes from others who feel similarly. This criticism isn’t intended to be insulting; it’s a call for reflection on a problem that many are noticing and hate the whole community for it. Instead of taking it as a personal attack, consider it feedback about a pattern of exclusion within the community that’s creating barriers for people genuinely seeking connection and support.

Age regression should be a safe space for everyone, including those with trauma responses that may look different. We can all work to create a community that’s supportive, understanding, and patient enough to get to know someone before assuming the worst.

[princesadejesus16]

Romans 5: 1 - 11 + Testimony  | God Answer

Tonight night I was studying the book of Romans and its origin, where it was written, etc. Then, in a moment, I finish my study and come to Tumblr to save verses and things of anime I like. I see how this post has some content that bothers me because of a lot of things taken out of context. And there I was, angry at what it said, venting to my friend (I didn't respond to the post; I didn't think it was a good idea to get tangled up in internet discussions). So I go back to the post to take a screenshot and show it to her, and then I saw another post next to it.This one said 'Jesus died for them too'.

AND THAT HIT ME RIGHT IN THE HEART! On the one hand, I really get uncomfortable with these kinds of debates, or any debate in general. I prefer to stay out of these as much as I can, but when there are things that outrage me, they outrage me. Especially when they are things out of context both historically and biblically, or especially the 'He only stayed dead three days' one. Yes, but he suffered a lot the previous ones, but he gave himself out of love. He gave himself because he loves us so much and we are his creation. He gave himself because he knows that there are many who have suffered and he wants to be their refuge. He gave Himself so that those hard-hearted, weak, stubborn, selfish (I include myself in the pack), depressive, and perverse would be redeemed in His name. Gosh; he even gave himself up for those who whipped and tortured him until he died.And I think this was somehow a lesson from God. Yes, there are people who think this way, but we have to pray for them for their conversion to Christianity. Moreover, so that they can change their hearts for the better and not for the worse. So instead of continuing to criticize them in my mind, I will pray that they will have an encounter with him and be transformed into a new creature. As happened to Saul, a persecutor of Christians, who became Paul, a Christian who gave his life for the love of Christ.

Romans 5: 1 - 11 NIV

Peace and Hope

5 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

6 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. 7 Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. 8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

9 Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him! 10 For if, while we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! 11 Not only is this so, but we also boast in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

[limeade-l3sbian]

i was going to leave it at just the shipping discussion at first, but i decided this bothered me too much, and i need to vent it out. i've had this on my mind for quite some time but i don't know many people into atla who are radfem or adjacent, and i absolutely do not trust anyone outside of radfem circles to not have the most status quo, heteronormative, male-centric, "things are exactly as i first imagined" / "i cannot imagine right or wrong or natural outside of the literal text given to me by the original writers" views on this topic (based on my own experiences with trying to talk about atla with others).

the show would have been far better if zuko were a (gnc) girl and azula were a boy. i know you may be resistant to this because i know you had at least some level of a formative crush on azula, but i'm begging you to hear me out on this one.

aside from the fact it would give a hero role to a fully gnc girl (as opposed to partial, like suki or toph), it just makes sense. zuko not being able to get approval from ozai no matter what, while azula is favored at every stop turns into a matter of familial misogyny, rather than "azula is just naturally better at being evil" (which takes a vaguely eugenicist angle when considering the comics, which say that zuko is probably not ozai's kid, but azula is). it doesn't matter that zuko is older, it wouldn't matter if she were more cutthroat, it wouldn't matter if she were better at bending, it wouldn't even matter if she caught the avatar. a patriarchal dictator like ozai would always favor a son over a daughter.

second, it would make all of the fire nation characters' situations more realistic and more poignant, in general. aside from the aforementioned favoritism towards a son over a daughter, it would make azula's characterization as a violent narcissist who believes (s)he deserves ownership and control over the world make more sense, it would change the context of mai and ty lee standing against azula for the sake of zuko (and each other) into a vaguely anti-feminist situation to a wholly feminist one (i don't ship mai and zuko at all, so the context of being a romantic couple here doesn't really matter to me; it could be motivated by romantic love or platonic love and solidarity imo), it would make zuko and katara's relationship and growth stronger (both of them would have a history of facing near-constant misogyny that served as barricades in the way of the direction they want to take in life), and it would almost completely erase the uneasiness of the fact that zuko was entirely redeemed and azula wasn't redeemed at all (even in the comics), because the real life context of violence and perpetuation of harmful cycles committed by women vs men supports that women can very frequently recover and be redeemed, and men recovering and being redeemable is much less common (because they don't want to).

this is just one aspect of the series i could talk on and on about, by the way, but this post is already too long. as a bonus, though: i believe this minor change would give so much more potential for better lesbian ships than whatever was happening in lok (which i hate for a number of reasons; mainly that it completely destroyed previous worldbuilding and i felt that the plot was just outright stupid in comparison to the original series, and the shipping stuff in that show was sooo...ugh. as i said, a completely different topic i could go on and on about).

OKAY WAIT ANON BECAUSE - AUGH YES WAIT!

It is true that I had a crush on Azula, but I'm almost CERTAIN I would've come out much earlier if Zuko had been the female GNC sibling LMAO.

I think the decision to make Azula the evil one and all that was based on making a good, long term female villain. I think the creators were trying to break a few barriers (which, in many respects, they absolutely did!). But what you're saying would have played so much deeper and allowed so much more insight (canon or otherwise) into this world. I imagine having a GNC daughter would also foster some resentment from Ozai compared to Iroh who has shown in canon time and time again that he's not going to get pressed about a bender's sex (I avoided the rhyme on purpose).

I haven't read the comics so correct me. But to me, Ozai always appeared to be a traditionalist where it benefited him. The topic of gender bias in the series isn't nearly as touched on as they could've gone. And in a way, I understand because it is technically a kid's show and as far as I'm aware, they were constantly on thin ice with Nickelodeon. But goddamn would this have made the whole show just that extra layer of *chef's kiss*.

My basis for Zuko and Katara were the usual points made. But what you said just AUGH ANON YES 😭😭 it would've been amazing! 😭

Talk as much as you want! Leave a whole essay for me to read idc when you're this based. 🫶🏾

[doomalade]

Hi, it’s me. I know I haven’t posted to Tumblr in a while but I think that today I will. This isn’t gonna be a positive post. It’s going to be very negative. Angry even. Perhaps even a bit upsetting. So please, I’m putting this part at the top as a warning. If you don’t want to read this, please don’t. This post will also have several topics that are triggering such as: Sui-, self harm, and depression. So if those topics are disturbing or triggering to you, please do not read.

This post will also contain spoilers for V9C8 of RWBY. If you do not want to be spoiled, do not read.

Thank you.

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Today’s episode hit me hard. The themes of Ruby’s depression, Neo’s cruelty and mockery of her, the reveal of the Cat’s evil nature, and Ruby’s decision to let herself be Ascended. It hit too hard. As someone who strongly deals with mental health issues, I watched the episode once and swore to never watch it again. Not even next week, not even the week after that, not even if I was binging through all of RWBY. I am never watching this episode again. This isn’t because it’s a bad episode. In fact I would argue it was the best RWBY episode ever. It’s the harshness, cruelty, and heavy subject matter that left me unable to even watch clips of the episode.

Of course this episode did start with a minor warning, one I brushed off as previous episodes had similar ones so I thought nothing of it as the previous episodes weren’t that bad to me at least. Here’s the thing, Crunchyroll is the one to blame for the warning being numbed down or even removed as I’ve heard stories of. This wasn’t RT’s fault. Thought I should mention this but back to the main part of this post.

I was sitting in the back seat of a car with my family when I watched it, and I had to put on sunglasses to hide the fact I was crying. This episode moved me to tears, something only once previously done by my first time watching the Pyrrha statue in Argus scene from V6. Here’s the thing though, that was a tearing up. This episode would have had me crawling up into a ball and sobbing while having a full blown panic attack if I wasn’t in the presence of my family.

Watching Yang be unable to stop Ruby from drinking the tea that ascended her, Ruby being unable to stop Little from being stomped on by Neo, Neo making Ruby think her friends and the ones she lost hated her, and the context of the previous episodes struck a nerve in me.

It triggered memories of waving to a friend while walking to class, and a week later getting a phone call from someone else that the friend had died. I won’t give further details, especially not on how they died, but it is certain they took their own life.

A year prior to that, another friend passed away to an accidental overdose.

I was barely 18 and barely 19 and I had to witness the passing of two of my classmates. People I talked to in class or smiled at in the hall or hung out with at football games. Gone.

Barely into my first semester at college, and I had attended the funerals of two of my friends.

All of those memories, the feeling of hopelessness and powerlessness to stop any of it, to be forced to pick myself up and keep moving forward while I wasn’t fully done grieving, all of the times I struggled with depression and thoughts of not wanting to be alive again, all of it hit me watching Ruby sip down that tea.

My emotions in that moment were nothing short of grief, all of it at once. I was angry and sad and feeling so lost and unable to describe what I was feeling other than having my mind screaming in pain.

Now this is the part of this post that the anger and negativity starts.

I went onto a certain Discord server I’m in, I’m not gonna name it just know it’s RWBY related, and I decided to voice my opinions on the episode and even vent a little to see if anyone else was going through the same thing and hopefully to start up people caring for each other and try to lift each others’ moods after this devastating and disturbing episode.

Here’s what I got instead.

One person told me to get over myself and that I was dumb for not seeing this coming. That I shouldn’t be complaining and that I shouldn’t be watching RWBY. I tried to call them out on their toxicity and they responded by playing victim and claiming I sent them a death threat.

Another person continued to repost the same unfunny meme of when Little was stomped on by Neo. I once more tried to call them out and ask for them to stop. They replied by throwing a fit and asking why I was being so soft for a cartoon.

And lastly two people kept posting unfunny memes of Ruby drinking the tea. Same pattern followed. I called them out and asked them to stop. They doubled down and played victim, calling me morally bankrupt and a cry baby.

All of these people I have now blocked and reported to the mods for their behavior.

What frustrates me is how each and every time I was described as over reacting, weak, and mocking me and my concerns. I even explained why these scenes were hitting me so hard and they still refused to listen.

I hate this fandom so much. Time and time again without fail, just like RT, it always gets worse. Sexism, racism, homophobia, and now a mockery of mental health.

I want to watch RWBY, I want to engage with the fandom, I want to enjoy my time here.

The fact that is becoming increasingly difficult for me now a days is sad, disheartening, and frustrating.

So please, if you read all the way through this. Make sure you let those you care about know that they’re loved and you’re there if they need anything. Care for one another and show empathy.

Thank you.

[system-of-a-feather]

Okay since it's a few days over and honestly we've declawed the dysregulation from it; someone posted our vent about the whole top surgery shit out of context to r/fatlogic and cause we are not immune to trauma responses and OCD, we went to read the comments

And one of them was

And I honestly am both flattered and rolling my eyes at this comment cause

I am so honored at the idea of someone genuinely thinking I am specifically a birdwatching blog cause I LOVE all the blogs on birblr to death, but I also don't engage in it as much as I ghost it, so I would be HONORED to be considered a genuine birblr blog

If someone genuinely followed me and thought I was a bird watching blog that THEN started pretending to have a dissociative disorder, that really is a testament to my recovery cause it means that I didn't post anything alter / DID related for a long enough period that it appeared to be something new

But also, they're probably just lying for pat on the back points and to add reasons as to why I'm "so cringe" and "stupid" by saying that I "started pretending to have a dissociative disorder" when literally thats the whole damn premise of this blog and I find it hard to believe - even on piss on the poor tumblr - that anyone could look at this blog that has ZERO hiding about being a DID blog and think that this was a >birdwatching< blog first and foremost.

It's also genuinely the first time I had a genuine fake claim.

Ray didn't let me post about it earlier (fair and correct) cause we know how those reddits work and what not and knew itd be hard to parse the comedy / "smh" aspect of this comment without being emotionally invested into the action of mocking someone who was in active crisis.

Got permission now cause its honestly irrelevant cause we did our research and we already got our approval from a second opinion (who looked at us and thought the previous surgeon was ridiculous). And so we are good to put this person's silliness out for those that have followed for a while.

But anyways, feel free to comment and clown on this guy if you like - or ignore cause honestly, they seem to be having some struggles of their own and if they lied about unfollowing then maybe that's a tad mean.

I just wanted to share this cause I don't think I'll forget the moment someone - allegedly - thought this blog was a birdwatching blog before a DID blog. It is absolutely going in my "Most Ridiculous Tumblr Moments" file in my brain along side when I got an ask about "if Chinese people could get DID"

[captainsparklefingers]

It feels really weird doing this xD but I guess talking about asking for help/feedback/generally venting about stuff (minor or otherwise) is always gonna feel weird? Is that what I'm doing right now? I have no idea. But anyway, writing it all out will hopefully help get it off my chest and I can try to move on to practical things. Mregh.

So I'm working on a series of oneshots about the first year of Kingsley's life (it was initially gonna be just the first six months before M9 Reunited but then I had some ideas that would only make sense after that, so here we are), and I've managed to get exactly one of them done so far. Which is good! I've got a second one in the works and a list of ideas for the others, buuuut I've managed to get myself stuck in the middle of the second one. Turns out it's hard to write Caduceus and Kingsley interactions when you have nothing to base them on XD and I guess that means I need a beta/somebody to bounce ideas off of. My regular beta (who is a wonderful person and one of my closest friends and who I love very much) is busy with real life stuff like work, so I don't want to bother them, and the people I want to ask to take a look at stuff and get ideas from are busy with their own fics and projects, and I don't want to bother them either. So here we are. I have anxiety up the wazzoo for a lot of things, including this, so it feels weird just putting a Tumblr post out there asking for help with something as silly as a fanfic...

And I'm always sort of afraid of writing Kingsley 'wrong', if that makes sense. Like, I know he's not Lucien or Molly, he's himself and there are echos of them in him, but with my whole belief that the memories of the previous purples are still there (just locked up until he's ready and comfortable enough as Kingsley to take them back and not get overwhelmed by them) and they sometimes leak out (the problem traveling with your past lives family is there's plenty of triggers there for stuff to slip through the cracks without context), and I worry that that makes it seem like I'm trying to turn him into Molly when I swear that's not what I'm thinking at all. So there's THAT layer to the anxiety as well.

So here I am with one one shot done, one about halfway done that I need a bit of a push with, and a list of ideas that I haven't started in on yet because I haven't gotten the second one done, and a lot of nerves about never getting anything done. Like, I'm not even gonna tag this because this is mostly just me trying to work out my anxiety about stuff (but uh if anyone is interested in helping or looking at some Kingsley stuff lemme know I guess), and I hope it helps. I've been having a lot of anxiety and nervousness about a lot of crap lately, and compared to other stuff, this is just such a minor bullshit thing to get wound up about.

God, anxiety SUCKS, y'all. It's the stupidest most irrational thing. Like 'ooh you wanted to do this as a fun lil side project to keep the creative juices going during downtime at work NOPE YOU'RE OBSESSED AND NERVOUS NOW ENJOY FEELING WEIRD WHENEVER YOU'RE AT YOUR LAPTOP FOR UNRELATED REASONS'.

[silentanomaly]

I very rarely add anything to a post beyond tags. But, man, do I have a lot to say about some stuff, and I'm putting it in tags. Suddenly, "that's an embarrassing amount of tags."

So, I hope people I reblog from aren't taking it like I'm talking at them (sometimes I do branch off previous tags or relate to them though, and sometimes I do think that a blog in particular might appreciate what I leave) - I tag for anyone who wants to scroll my blog, and know what my thought process is in regards to my reblogging it. Even sometimes for the notes on the off chance I'm actually cooking, lol. Also, sometimes I reblog stuff and years later I go back and wonder "what did I reblog that for..?"

So, it's like leaving little post-it notes for myself to remember where I was coming from back then. Especially if it happened to be personal insight that would be of use that I may need to be reminded of. Like a "stick to your guns" moment, or a means to recognize "I was wrong/not entirely on the money, nice to know I've progressed from that."

There's so much of my life that I'm pretty sure I've blocked out (believe it or not, given the amount of stuff I will list off that is terrible, "but, wait! There's more!"), that I'm often finding myself wanting tools to help me remember stuff. Pictures. Tags. Little reminders. Sometimes, even certain forms of stimulation.

I love to run a space heater because it reminds me of when I was a child, small enough to curl up against or on top of a vent at my family home (there were two vents I liked), where I'd let the warmth and sound of the air blowing lull me into a nap. This was great, and still is (with space heater), as I have always had trouble sleeping at night.

But, I must say, when it came to memories, the pictures are the best, and having context to go along with the pictures can go a long way too. I remember being devastated the one time I lost my iPod touch with over 5000 pictures and videos on it...so many were good memories that I can only try to conjure up in my head now, and the more I process in life the harder that gets.

So yea, tag city over here. Tag, except *I'M* it, or something. Unless someone reblogs with tags relevant to mine, then I guess they're it? I'm just being a kook here.

[a-regular-ol-pill]

Hello people! I am so sorry for not posting for a whole entire month. I wanted to bring some good news, but I came empty handed and won't be doing that anytime soon. This is also a call out for the person that had the audacity to PM me in game and told me I was just making excuses to finish writing the mountain of requests I have, when in fact, it's more serious than that. By the way, fuck you for acting and speaking to me like living is not an option for me in my life. For telling me I should post when it's my blog that I created.

My problems (starting from my flesh being ripped out and the ones that followed after that I would feel like shit to share with y'all) has been switching from bottle to bottle— bottles full of even more problems and I feel like I might choke on my own if I don't address this one on tumblr. I feel like I'm going delusional with my messy memory and I'm so fucking sorry.

I would love to be delighted to accept new requests. But I'm not, I am pretty inspiration depleted and is currently pondering on whether or not I should also answer the asks that followed from my head (flesh?) injury. I've pretty much sunken to my lowest in the Pill bottle and I'm overthinking a lot of shit. I burried myself in MLBB; feeling like I've ran through hippo shit and mud. Took a shower with the dirty clothes and wrapped myself in trash bags to sleep in the horrible stench.

I am very flattered with the sweet words some of you have said with the request, and I'm eternally grateful that you took the time to actually compliment something like me, but I'm sorry. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna come up as passive aggressive next, but I just want to vent on how fucking dumb I am and I vented in a way where I can finally update my blog. I once didn't, and still don't have anyone to talk to. Open my heart out and just be a human, this results in my crappy conversation skill with my problems and everything about this post. I know, shitty grammar. You'll keep seeing them.

The following screenshots I'll list will not be made, and I am extremely sorry for not being able to do it. If you didn't mean the ask as a request, please PM me! As I am so sorry for misunderstanding your ask. I don't want to remind people to check the request status as my description is already there before you could click the ask. I have a reason it's open and I would hate to close it for the sake of the people who just wants to talk to someone but currently have no one to talk to— Like me.

; This is the next day, I don't know how, but my previous texts have been deleted and so was my statement about not posting requests when it's closed. So the text above this is just a rewrite and I fucking hate it because it was a long rant that could give more context to this post. Could I have rewrote about 300 words in the next day I wrote them? No. — That paragraph deleting is like Tumblr giving me the fuck you and never post again. ;

[waynedunlaptheorgandonor]

i want to add an addendum, or mb an extrapolation, to my previous post, which is that when i refer to the bonkers parts of the fandom i don't mean ppl who are like, "ugh i don't like this plotline," or "hate what this article said." there are plenty of plotlines i don't like. just bc i'm optimistic doesn't mean i love every second of it. i don't like leah. i don't like how they made a woman character's main purpose be a love interest with a sloppy backstory. but i understand what the point of her is. i don't love that carol married zeke, but i get what the endgame of it was so i'm cool with it. the thing of it is, tho, is that i have to watch the episode to understand, i can't rely on screeners and spoilers bc they are always biased and out of context. and if i had been watching this shit in real time when gimple was around i would not be nearly as zen, bc that shit was just a dude jack off fest with no proper narrative, so i totally get why that would have been hell. but kang has proven herself to be a true storyteller, and true storytelling requires you to pay attention to nuance and symbolism, which is not going to be present in spoilers.

but the ppl i have beef with aren't ppl who are just venting their frustrations in their own circle. those are the ppl i can easily be like "eh, agree to disagree," and step away from. the ppl i have beef with are the ppl who get Mad(tm) and get legit combative with others. the ones who usurp positive posts just to shit on it. the ones who call female actors derogatory names, or threaten cast and crew or other fandom members. ppl who slide into my inbox to be like, "fuck u and ur positivity." i am referring to a very specific brand of fandom peeps who seem to get off on making sure anyone who's having a good time knows that they're not.

there's a marked difference between a mature conversation about why something sucks to you/having valid critique, vs. "i hope that bitch actress shuts her fucking mouth," or fighting to the death in a twitter battle that is about as useful as trying to convince your antivax cousin to stop posting on fb about why it's good to drink essential oils.

i like constructive conversation. i understand wariness when you've been scorned before. but i do not, will not, ever understand or condone the unbridled rage some people seem to have, especially when it is repeatedly proven to be unfounded, week after week after week

some people need to just like. not. just don't. take up crotchet. learn krav maga. masturbate. something more constructive than going out of your way to ruin everyone's good time

i am seriously not targeting specific ppl, largely bc (most of) the ppl im referring to don't interact with me off anon, or i don't fuck with them long enough to learn their names. if i interact with you it is doubtful you fall into the category of "bonkers fandom"

'kay, that's all for the discourse. i'm officially going back to your regularly scheduled shitposts. it just occurred to me that some people might be feeling unjustly targeted, and i wanted to make sure i was clear, bc my entire aim, from the very start, is to be a person ppl can be around to have a good time

so to those of you that hang around on my side of the block, let's do that instead, yeah?

[nightwingmyboi]

Can I ask why you hate Batman and Robin Eternal? (it was my first DC comic ever, my dad bought it for me in one of his trips even though I didn’t know anything about the batfam or comics in general lmao). It’s been so long since the last time I read it I don’t even remember what it was about (I do remember enjoying it in that moment but it may have also been because it was a gift and the drawings were cool lol)

Aww, that’s very sweet. There are certainly bits of the comic that are enjoyable. I’m pretty sure that I’m actually in the minority when I say that I don’t care for it...but since you asked lol, there are several things about these comics that really rub me the wrong way. This is pretty negative (and way longer than I’d planned), so be warned. 

For starters, Dick Grayson was just...not treated well by his family members in these comics. It felt particularly brutal here specifically...I think because Dick would say very harmless things, and his family’s responses in return were so abrupt and unreasonably harsh. Like, Dick says that he’s glad to see Batgirl, and wonders what some kids are doing dressed as Robin...

Batman and Robin Eternal #4

And Batgirl bites his head off. Or, there were times where Dick would just be hanging out in the general vicinity, and people would just take shots at him out of the blue for seemingly no reason. 

Batman and Robin Eternal #3

It felt like he could barely breathe without someone criticizing him for it. At one point, Dick confesses that he’s feeling discouraged, and Damian’s response is to punch him in the face. 

Batman and Robin Eternal #22

Which is a pretty good summary of the family’s treatment of him in these comics to be honest. Just literally, lashing out at him for zero reason while he just takes it. 

One scene in particular that really frustrated me was this one: 

Batman and Robin Eternal #5

You know, that other time in this comic series where one of Dick’s family members punches him in the face while he, once again, takes the hit and does nothing to retaliate. Good times. 

For context...the big bad in these comics is a villain known as “Mother.” Her speciality is brainwashing. She placed several of her “children” in high-profile positions in order to enact her plans, even managing to infiltrate Spyral. In a message left for Dick, Batman specifically explains that “Anyone could be under her control, Dick. They could be people you know. People you love…they probably will be” (Batman and Robin Eternal #1). 

Unlike in Pre-52, Tim’s background is largely a mystery. He’s acting suspiciously. So, Dick takes it upon himself to investigate and ensure that Tim’s not one of Mother’s plants. 

On Tim’s side of things, he’s upset that Dick investigated behind his back and found out where he’d secretly had his parents living for their safety. Dick unintentionally brought danger to their doorstep (though, notably, no one was actually hurt). But Tim’s pissed, and punches Dick in the face. 

Not gonna lie, this was hard to take. I mean, even if Tim was in the right in this argument (which he lowkey isn’t in my eyes), that still does not make it ok for him to just punch Dick out of the blue when Dick is, as pictured above, just talking to him. 

And the hypocrisy that Tim is displaying here is stunning. How he had previously told Dick off for keeping secrets from the family by going undercover with Spyral, when he in fact had a whole secret family tucked away in a corner. How he tells Dick off now for invading people’s privacy, when just earlier in this very comic he had planted surveillance devices in Stephanie’s apartment without her consent. 

Batman and Robin Eternal #2

How Tim storms off and goes on a solo mission with Jason because Dick’s supposedly too personally invested and thus compromised, when he just got so emotionally unhinged that he lost his shit at Dick and punched him. Once again, may I just say, simply stunning. 

But does Tim ever face any consequences for this behavior? Oh, of course not! Instead, we get Jason joking about how great it is to punch Dick in the face when he is not even fighting back. 

Batman and Robin Eternal #7

And everyone collectively piling on to Dick and blaming him, even though he had legitimate concerns. Awesome. 

Batman and Robin Eternal #6

Batman and Robin Eternal #7

And Dick just continues to take it. Not once does he stand up for himself. It’s so hard to read him continually get shit on, I’m sorry. And it’s crazy how they treat him this way, and yet still ultimately look to him for encouragement and rely on him to save the day in the end? You hate to see it. 

I also didn’t like what they did with Cass. I know, I’m just full of complaints. But they really watered her down. With Pre52 Cass, you could actually describe facets of her personality. She was compassionate, had a very refreshing, sassy sense of humor, etc. She wasn’t just...mysterious action girl who has a dark past and cries occasionally. I mean, there were moments where I could see glimpses of personality (the time she visited the ballet being the main one), but on the whole she punched people when needed, and otherwise just stood there as people talked about and around her. Essentially a prop for the story. 

Batman and Robin Eternal #24

Another thing that makes me so uncomfortable (that I couldn’t pin down until I read this post here) is the fact that this comics version of events makes it so that Cass’ own backstory no longer has her as the focus; it’s not about her emotional struggles and journey. By having Cass kill Harper’s mother rather than a random man, it makes the story about Harper, and about Cass gaining Harper’s forgiveness. So...more using Cass as a prop...as an element of someone else’s story in what is supposed to be her origin! 

Honestly, I have no idea why Cass would want to stay with the Bat-family in these comics anyway...her previous mentorship with Barbara Gordon is nonexistent. She’s no longer Batgirl. The two people who were once her closest friends treat her horribly. 

Batman and Robin Eternal #3

Batman and Robin Eternal #4

As if she’s barely a person. Once again, sooooo hard to read this. Why. 

Yeah, I could go on forever nitpicking here. You probably got a sense of it already, but I absolutely despise how Tim is characterized here. Most of the time, he’s an ass. Jason also had pretty inconsistent characterization. And I really don’t like how the whole comic treats Robin like something Batman owns and is meant to benefit from, rather than as something Dick created. I don’t like how Cain was “redeemed” in the end, and that Cass took on the name Orphan instead of Black Bat or Batgirl. Once again, how is she connected to the Bat-family exactly? And I don’t like how Dick’s time as Robin is portrayed. 

The existence of this comic...drives me insane...

It’s also the worst time to be doing a “Does Batman treat his kids like child soldiers?” arc considering it is coming on the tail end of Spyral, aka that one thing that Dick did because Bruce beat the shit out of him and forced him to. 

Nightwing #30

Looking through Batman’s speech to Dick there...some of the things he says to Dick are so uncomfortably close to what Cain says to Cass. Really horrible parallel there. Why DC. 

I really don’t know why Dick was so certain that Bruce didn’t do something shady with Mother, as was implied throughout the comic, when Bruce had pulled the Spyral crap fairly recently. Idk why they didn’t play into that side of things. Like, the fact that this arc ends with Dick comforting Batman about them not being child soldiers: 

Batman and Robin Eternal #26

Instead of Batman stepping up to reaffirm to Dick that he was a good partner and a trusted ally when he spent the whole comic being insulted by his family and being told this stuff by his enemies (and flashback!Batman): 

Batman and Robin Eternal #8

Batman and Robin Eternal #12

Just sucks. I mean, Dick had just recently sacrificed everything (his family, his friends, his life, his identity, everything) to do as Batman wanted and go undercover, only to hear this over and over? To hear that none of it was enough? That he could never be enough? And Dick never gets reassurance that this isn’t true. This comic is just agonizing in so many ways. 

Obviously, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and I am not criticizing this to be a killjoy? Just venting. If you enjoy these comics, you are free to continue to do you. But I am never going to like them. And when I see people championing these books as the best the Bat-fam has to offer...oof is that hard to hear lmao! Surely we can do better than all this. 

[g0reoz]

vent post under the cut, though i’m hesitant to even make this. (going to keep it brief-ish and not go into too much detail, just enough so you get the jist. this isn’t The Whole Story) tw uhh not real but possibly graphic violence and also mentions of csa. if you don’t actually know what i’m talking about in this post, either Good For You! ignore it! or dm me if you want links to previous posts on the matter. this might get long

god dammit, i keep doing shit like grinding my teeth and wringing my hands and randomly clenching up and digging into my arms with my nails. all very clear indicators that i‘m Freaking The Fuck Out over something (which. in this case that Something is the same bullshit that should have been over in like 2019). the problem is (the problems are, i guess), i don’t even realize this is happening half of the time until someone points it out. and i’m trying as hard as possible to stay chilled out about this. it’s not worth over a month of my time, right? it doesn’t make sense to spend that long on edge for something that might not even happen. but the thing is, there’s still a very real possibility of it happening. those letters from the court are there. one was sent in, and i fucking signed it. the other one is hanging on the fridge, taunting me. either i end up feeling like this for weeks on end over nothing and have nowhere to release the pent-up tension, or i end up going and dealing with the whole situation. and either way, it’s a lose-lose kinda deal.

this is the third time they’ve tried to reschedule the court case. everything about the case came out years before the first trial was even planned, so that was long enough. i heard there was going to finally be a trial, so i thought it was going to be settled for good. relief. until i found out they might want me to make an appearance. stress. but then they postponed it because of covid. minor relief. and it got rescheduled for awhile ago (last summer, if i remember correctly?), and the first official letter came. extreme stress. a few very tense phone calls later, and my mom convinced them that if anyone, she should be the only one showing up because i didn’t really Need To Be There. relief. and now, this time the letter is back. we had to Actually Send It In this time. there were no phone calls, no reasoning or attempts at compromise. just the signature lines and the sealed envelope.

it’s weird this time—i feel like i’m sorta going through the motions AND worse than ever at the same time. on one hand, i’ve been here before. but on the other, each time i’ve felt new and different things about it and about him—and none of them have been good. already, the violent dreams are back. not as extreme as some of the other ones, but Gouging Out Eyes With Your Nails is still pretty rough when you know it’s coming from your own brain. i’m really tense lately. this whole thing feels realer than the last times, which means i’m afraid the shit my brain comes up with as some kind of fucked up defense mechanism will be worse, too.

was gonna say “if i may, i’m going to go on a bit of a tangent about that subject in particular,” but this is my post for spilling my guts (metaphorically) so i don’t spill my guts (literally). whose permission was i asking for.

like i’ve mentioned, the dreams and occasional stronger-than-usual intrusive thoughts (though primarily the dreams) are the worst part of this all. i know my brain’s doing it defensively, to reassert my control when i was in so many situations where control was lacking and i could have been more severely hurt. i get that. but still, there’s something about seeing yourself kill and maim someone that‘s Really Fucking Unsettling.

to trace things back for context, i was In His Class as a fourth grader. even in classes that tended to rotate teachers, i was usually in his. being the well-intentioned kid i was, sometimes i would stay a few minutes before recess to clean shit up in the classroom. i, like anyone who had late homework, occasionally had to spend recesses or lunches in a (often his because of aforementioned Always Having Him As A Teacher Somehow) classroom to finish up the assignment. by the fact that our grade was too small to have manageable costs per student, i narrowly managed to avoid going to an overnight field trip thing conveniently chaperoned by both teachers for that grade. for mothers’ day, both classes made little photo frames for our moms with stickers/paint/whatever and a photo of us with a sign that said something like “i <3 u,” but who’s to say he didn’t have some of those still. he’s the reason i had to spend years trying to look at stickers normally again. and he pulled some other really weird shit, to me and the classes in general, looking back on it.

and as i look back now, i saw the way he looked at kids! at me! i saw the way out of all the assignments and shit hanging up, mine made it multiple times! i saw that i was probably alone in that classroom doing late homework, or in the library with only a few students between because i was assigned to run a study hall! i heard later on about all the kids who had it so much worse than what i dealt with, and i realized? those kids who got fuckin r***ed?? i‘m livid just knowing that it was them, but THAT could have so easily been me, too!! my mind was racing and it saw all the opportunities where, if luck was against me, you’d almost EXPECT it to be me. times it got TOO CLOSE to being me. and i think that fucked me up more than all of the small things he had ACTUALLY done combined.

see, i’ve definitely mentioned it before, but as a result, my mind’s been going haywire—mostly while asleep, but not always. it started when all the information was first brought to light, and it has spiked every time something new happens regarding the situation. at first, it was pretty basic stuff. ”i have to show up in court case and get Really Mad.” “i have to show up in court and [insert fictional entity] beats him up for me. yayyy woo we leave after that” “i see him and he is in jail. the end.” pretty basic, comforting-ish stuff. note that this was before i even knew i might have to Actually Be Involved In The Case. (btw, if you’re uncomfy with violence or cruel punishment, maybe skip the rest of this paragraph. just go to the next one. gonna try not to get too bad but i want to at least sort of show the progression with a few examples.) eventually, around the first planned case, it got worse again, both in frequency and content of the dreams. “i have to show up in court and i choke him to death.” “i have to show up to court and i disfigure him with the judge’ gavel.” ”i see him on the street and stab him in the liver.” around the second one, it got even worse. i know i talked about “i’m running from him and i find a gun, but even though it ends there i know i end up shooting him” because i had a breakdown over it. but there were also ones like “i cut off his head and fingers with safety scissors when we’re alone in a classroom” and “i shove his severed. y’know. down his throat n He Dies.“ now, it’s swinging back around with the previously mentioned one, but i’m scared of it getting worse.

the part that really unsettles me about all this is the simple fact that I’m Not Generally A Violent Person. obviously, i’ll flip my shit if provoked, but it takes a lot to even make me get visibly mad. and i sure as hell don’t get my kicks imagining Literally Torturing People, even if i fuckin hate them. so to have my own brain make me watch myself do all this? wowwww, lots of psychic damage is done. i can’t even Just Wake Up or anything. i’m forced to sit through it to the end. it’s not who i am, BUT. it does make me extremely concerned. how am i going to act if i do have to show up in court? especially with all these imagined scenarios that take place there? am i going to cry? yell? have a breakdown in front of everyone? start screaming at him? or, worst possibility, what if i actually do something Really Fucked Up And Violent? i mean, clearly my brain has no qualms with vividly imagining it and sometimes even giving me nasty intrusive thoughts while i’m awake, but how far will that go in real life?

needless to say at this point, i’m scared. i’m seething. i’m feeling sort of unstable. i know there’s a notice in my description as of right now too, but it feels worth repeating: please, be patient with me. i am doing my best, but with something like this coming back yet again and being so connected to my religious trauma at a time of year that’s already bad for the latter, i‘m not doing great. gonna be brave about this, but i can’t promise you that i‘m not gonna seem off. or tired. or a bit more easily burnt out. after all, i’m not exactly feeling like myself. i hope this post is the last regarding this situation.

[morningflames]

a word of warning

well here’s a post i never thought i’d be making

it’s come to my attention that a Certain Someone is planning on making a comeback to WrA soon and it fills me with nothing short of dread. i spent the day yesterday warning people he terrorized and manipulated that this was happening. you know it’s bad when there’s a literal network of people who share an abuser that have remained in contact for years in the event this happened again.

i am not going to lie and say that making this post does not terrify me but i cannot in good conscience sit back and let him worm his way into the rp scene again and do what he did to me and at least half a dozen others all over again.

to summarize: tarcanus aka tarcanus frostborne is a manipulative, emotionally abusive and predatory individual that should be avoided at all costs.

i am the player behind lyrinel, a former officer of his and someone who was on the receiving end of nearly a years worth of abuse and manipulation. my experiences pale in comparison to those of others who dealt with him and came forward to me after i left his guild, and i cannot speak for anyone who does not feel comfortable coming forward. if you do want to let your voice be heard, feel free to reblog and add your own anecdotes.

my story below the cut.

tw: manipulation, emotional abuse, gaslighting, coercion, grooming

i first joined coram populo in early 2014 after my best friend and fellow survivor (i will refer to her by her character’s name of thradia from here on out) joined the raid team in december of the previous year. we were both just looking for a social place to park our characters and maybe start role playing again, as we hadn’t had a guild or dedicated rp group in a while. things were fine and friendly for the first couple of months, though it’s worth noting that a large part of the office corps had just left or was in the process of leaving when thradia and i joined. we were both 18 at the time.

i made the mistake of reaching out to tarc in the spring, when i noticed him posting to his tumblr about how busy he was. i offered to be an IC assistant of sorts to his character and he was more than happy to toss me into an absolute whirlwind. we still didn’t know much about each other, but in the span of a couple weeks we went from casual contact in guild chat to immensely long (sometimes between 10 and 12 hours) skype calls, constant DMing, and an almost uninterrupted stream of conversation. i was struggling to finish high school at this time (spoiler: i failed to graduate) and found myself suddenly caught in an all-consuming relationship with this man and his guild. from the moment i woke up to the moment i finally hung up and crawled into bed, my time was taken up by tarc and the guild and the game.

i was promoted to officer less than five months after joining the guild. this was overwhelming for a number of reasons, chief among them being the fact that i had never been an officer in a guild like this before and i was very quickly escalated to tarc’s “inner circle.” this was a circle that he evidently didn’t even include his most senior officers in, as he didn’t seem to communicate with them to the extent or abundance that he did with me - and later, when she was ALSO promoted to officer, thradia. 

within a few weeks i found myself at the center of dozens of micro-confrontations and venting from tarc about other members of the guild, raid team, and even fellow officers. every time, i would tell him he needed to take it to his co-gm and talk it through with her. she, like him, was a grown woman with a lot more experience and better people skills than me, a teenager barely out of high school, but tarc insisted on beating me over the head with his frustrations and then proceeding to guilt me and tell me i was a terrible friend when i didn’t agree with him or expressed i was uncomfortable being in the center of a vent session that i felt was unwarranted. 

tarc was never wrong. he did not apologize. the words “i’m sorry” did not exist in his vocabulary, and if they did, they were almost always followed up with the word “but.” constantly he would be sending multiple messages to me or thradia while we were running events and raids for the guild, ranting about a few particular members that he disliked at the time regardless of how we felt about said members. thradia and i would both be reduced to tears and/or anxiety attacks by his outbursts that all but demanded we take his side even if we didn’t. his feelings and circumstances were paramount. everyone else’s were just inconveniences. 

tarc was always the victim. no matter what was going on, no matter who had instigated whatever vein of conversation we were on that had gone awry, he had a way of making you feel like utter shit until you grovelled for his forgiveness, which he rarely gave. instead he would move on without giving any closure or allowing you to discuss your feelings at length. if you tried, you were the insensitive one who he couldn’t go to with his “unfiltered emotions,” which was the entire purpose of his inner circle to hear him say it. i was not allowed to just be his friend or just be an officer, i had to be both and neither at the same time, and it still was not the right course of action. nothing ever was.

tarc was openly manipulative and antagonistic, always citing it as an “inside joke” when called on it. i opened up to him once about my father’s alcoholism and how i was uncomfortable with alcohol culture and being around drunk people. regardless, he would constantly call while drunk (or maybe he was pretending to be to get a rise out of me, i honestly do not know what was genuine and what was put on with him) and make me stay on the call with him for hours. when he was (allegedly) diagnosed with an inability to process certain alcohols that could be life threatening, he continued to drink (or claimed he was drinking) dangerous amounts, which lead to me begging him to stop as i feared for his life. one of the worst anxiety attacks i have ever had was over him endangering his health and me believing i was going to see a friend die. he knew how much this upset me and he did not stop. he held me as a captive audience to his self destruction (or the playacting of it) and let me cry and beg and plead with him to take care of himself.

tarc loves to promote a clean, “family friendly” persona online. he will go on and on about the positive atmosphere his guild provides and how progress and accepting he and his “safe spaces” are. as soon as you are inducted to his inner circle, however, you learn otherwise. he will gladly engage in sexually charged conversation with you, even if you are ten years younger than him as thradia and i were. we were both legal adults, yes, but just barely. i can’t count the inappropriate remarks and jokes made about us, our friends, and even minors all in the spirit of joking “what if” conversation. he has a history of making young LGBT+ people uncomfortable, making their sexualities and identities about him and how he can relate to them. 

tarc was the most two-faced and divisive guild leader i’ve ever seen. he would rant to me mercilessly about wanting to kick one of the junior officers and raid team members in private while never saying a word to their face or bringing it up with the co-gm. he would start schisms between people, telling each what they wanted to hear and encouraging both parties not to confront each other about it, allowing the resentment and distrust to grow as he fanned the flames on both sides. he wanted people to stay in the guild and continue to basically work for him while also putting him above anyone else in their friend circles. he told straight up lies to thradia and i, claiming one of us had said things about the other that we never did, driving a wedge and distrust between us.

tarc treats his guild(s) like a business. he is entirely capitalist-minded even in an MMORPG that people play for fun, churning out “content” and keeping up appearances like a machine. he treats his officers and guild members like employees, not people. any time irl would demand attention away from the game, forcing someone to miss or cancel an event, he would subtly guilt them about it until they apologized, even if it was a dire situation or a family emergency. 

when tarc wanted to start a wow roleplaying podcast, he approached me about cohosting. he wanted a female voice, and since i was out of school and had no job lined up due to not graduating i was the perfect candidate. i came on to narrate and research the lore segment of the looking for roleplay podcast, which was little more than me paraphrasing a wowwiki article, but i was held to a “professional” standard. i had to have my research done by a certain day, my recording done in advance, etc. 

the podcast was a spot of contention for several reasons, one being the mysterious emails tarc would allegedly receive about it. the podcast had a shared email account that all three of us could access and look at, but tarc claimed that people sent emails directly to him since “everything’s under his email.” he would use these strawman emails as indirect criticism of turwinkle and i, reading them aloud or typing up what they supposedly said but NEVER producing a real screenshot or address to verify them. i’m convinced he only did this as a way to make turwinkle and i feel badly and work harder “for the listeners” to appease things tarc didn’t like about our segments. he also insinuated he got inappropriate emails about me specifically at this account but, again, i was never allowed to see them with my own eyes, just hear about them secondhand, which is why i believe they did not exist.

around this time, tarc began recording conversations without mine or thradias consent. he would start recording random sections of calls and taunt us, playing back out-of-context lines and joking that he would make “podcast commercials” out of them. they were often embarrassing, personal, or just wildly out of context lines that we didn’t want played to the public, and i heard only a fraction of what he possibly recorded of me. i have no idea what kind of material he has of me and thradia that was recorded without us knowing or consenting. it felt like blackmail. it still does.

i internalized all of this. i thought this was normal. i thought he was an excellent guild leader and a role model for leadership. i had begun to treat world of fucking warcraft like a goddamn job and i thought that was fine. my life revolved around coddling and entertaining him, socializing and promoting and recruiting for the guild, raiding, running pvp entirely on my own, keeping up IC connections and attending events, recording for the podcast, all of it. i ate, breathed, and slept wow and coram. it was insane. i had been talked into having no boundaries for myself and my time, and any time i tried to correct that and build a boundary i was attacked for it until i backed down. i have never felt worse about myself than i did while i was in this guild. i trusted no one. i was worn thin.

i finally had enough early 2015. at this point this man was trying to get me to come live with him hundreds of miles from my family so that i could attend a technical school in his area. i am still 18. he was 28. i had been trying to step down from my position as an officer, citing if i was going to be LIVING WITH HIM that it was going to give me an unfair bias in my standing in the guild. this set him all the way off. he was planning a trip to atlantic city for me, himself, and thradia, who i had a ticket to visit for my birthday. he was getting frantic because he had been pursuing thradia for months, and i was no longer cooperating. 

when i threw this wrench in everything, our relationship devolved in the span of a few hours. within the day i left the guild on all of my characters and pulled myself out of all of his projects. within the month i had frantically faction changed several characters and eventually unsubscribed from the game for two years because i lived in fear of him. he had always alluded to “knowing people” who could hack and track IP addresses and kept tabs on everyone who visited his blogs and websites. i didn’t know what i thought he was going to do - all i knew was his thinly veiled brags and threats were at the forefront of my mind. i have played this game since 2006, but for the first time in my life i couldn’t enjoy it out of fear and exhaustion caused by him. he had ruined my favorite game in less than a year and made me paranoid about my entire online presence, to the point where this blog was abandoned for months before i turned it into what it is today. 

and the thing is, tarc’s not a creepy or abrasive guy when you first meet him. he’s funny and charismatic and outgoing. he loves to tell you about his world travels and show you pictures of him petting baby tigers at rescues in southeast asia and go on about these crazy winnings he would have in vegas. he’s larger than life - at least online. he came to visit me twice in the year that we knew each other. the first time was also the first time i had ever met thradia in person, and we had been friends for six years at that point. he has met my family, and that of several other members (both my age and older). no one ever questions why he’s there. no one ever thought it was odd that for a week he hung out with three teenage girls exclusively. 

this horrifies me to this day. 

thradia and i are still best friends. we compared notes and were sickened at how we were played against each other. slowly, i returned to the game. i reached out to people who had left or been on their way out when i first joined the guild, curious to see if there was a common thread. there was. everyone i spoke with had similar stories: being made to feel like shit, nothing they ever did for the guild was enough, they weren’t allowed to miss events or raids no matter what the reason, they were questioned and joked about inappropriately and made to feel uncomfortable and preyed upon, etc. i was not the only one. thradia was not the only one. at least half a dozen other former members and/or officers had these stories, and tarc just kept getting away with it.

he cannot keep getting away with it.

i am being open with this for the first time in six years because i don’t want to see it happen again. because i don’t want to know that, had i said something sooner, more people could have been protected. i was 18 when this was going on. i had no real world experience. i had no standard for how i should be treated, much less by someone almost ten years my senior and who claimed to be my friend. but he knew better. he should have had boundaries and space and lines he refused to cross. he did not. he crippled my trust in people for a very long time. i have only become comfortable playing wow on horde side again in the past year or so. i finally stopped looking over my shoulder, /who’ing him and his guild, avoiding rp hubs. but now i feel like i can’t do that anymore. the safety i have worked so hard to achieve for myself is now threatened.

i understand my experiences are mild in comparison to what some offenders on this server have done. but at the end of the day, this year was the worst year of my life. to this day, the skype ringtone literally triggers me because i associated it with him and his endless calls that i never knew what to expect from or how to get out of. i can’t look at certain parts of the game without feeling fear. for months i held my breath going online or logging into wow because i was waiting for him to pop up and start accusing me of things or trying to guilt me into coming back.

tarc ran coram populo, a guild that, as far as i know, still staggers along with a few members who can’t be bothered to leave. whether or not he’s planning to return there, i don’t know. he organizes and runs (from what i can tell) the azerothian trade federation (whatever the fuck that is). i don’t know what his plans are. i don’t know what his online presence looks or will look like when he comes crawling back. but i beseech you, do not give him the time of day. do not give him a platform, no matter how nice and “woke” he makes himself out to be. he lures you in with humanist ideals and then sucks the absolute life out of you- and that’s if he doesn’t want to pressure you into a relationship on top of it.

to tarc: if somehow you’re reading this, stay away from me. keep my name out of your mouth. i do not want an apology and a string of half-assed, gaslighting excuses. i have records of past conversations. i have screenshots. i know what you fucking did to me and to my friends. i do not want you back. i do not want you here. i do not want to share space with you. i want you to go away and never come back. 

you alone made it so hard to trust myself and other people. thradia and i both have had to seek therapy due to you. and now, you have the audacity to come riding back into the scene on a white horse, being self righteous about abuse and predatory behavior online, and have the utter gall to condemn behaviors you yourself emulated without apology or second thought. i know you think you’re a good guy. that’s what makes you so fucking dangerous. you genuinely don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, and if you do, you’ve buried it and squirreled it away and have covered it up to the point where you can turn any accusation back on the claimant. 

do not attempt to contact me. do not try to threaten or appease me. go back where you were. i am finally at home again, and you will not take that from me. go. away.

[authenticcadence18]

in the spirit of the other anon: what are some of your favorite pnf songs?? 👀

AHHH MADDY PLS YOU KNOW I LOVE MUSIC AND PHINEAS AND FERB THANK YOUUUU FOR THIS ASK. 

ok so! favorite songs! I’ve got a ton so let’s just jump right to it (see what i did there? lol)

What Might Have Been

This is my FAVORITE Phineas and Ferb song, I remember when whispers about a “Phinbella duet” first started circulating mid-2012 and being SO HYPED (I was so hyped I wrote my own Phinbella duet, lollllll. maybe I’ll post it sometime). I waited literal YEARS for this song and it was VERY WORTH THE WAIT. I love the instrumentation (the strings? the guitar? the drums? the hint of Isabella’s theme at the beginning of the third verse? a A H), the lyrics are just so heartfelt and sweet and poignant (with just a hint of trademark PnF humor thrown in, lol), and the vOCALS GOOD LORD, ALYSON AND VINCENT KILLED IT. And the harmonies at the end. Bless. AYA isn’t perfect but I ADORE “What Might Have Been.” Like, they really gave us a 3 1/2 minute long song of Isabella and Phineas singing about being in love. They did that for us. Sometimes, I listen to it on a loop when I need to focus...or just because I want to listen to it. It’s truly just. The best. Ah. My heart. This song deserves more mainstream attention dANG IT. 

Summer Belongs To You

This song is so uplifting and positive and the beginning is a Phinabella duet of COURSE I love it (i deeefinitely made a lil’ reference to it in a certain simile in chapter 9 of CHFIL, not sure if anyone caught that but writing it made me smile!). It always puts me in a good mood and makes me feel like I can accomplish anything. And it gets bonus points because it features Candace singing about loving her brothers!! SBTY is also one of the episodes that got me interested in the show, so this song holds a special place in my heart. 

City of Love

This song ALSO holds a special place in my heart. Like, it’s so sad but it’s so good. I love Isabella, and I feel for her (and when I first heard this song I could 100% relate to her plight, LOL). This is also the first PnF song I ever downloaded! So it’s very nostalgic and special to me. 

Us Against the Universe

I ADORE THIS SONGGG I ADORE IT SO MUCH OK IT’S JUST EVERYTHINGGG. It makes me feel ALL THE THINGS. It’s very similar to “Summer Belongs To You,” but rather than being rooted in nostalgia, it’s like a reminder that the characters are still as present and united as ever. A couple years ago, I never would’ve thought we’d get to hear the entire cast sing together ever again, so like....this song means the world to me. It’s a great song for 2020. 

The Universe is Against Me

This is ALSO the perfect song for 2020, but in a venting way as opposed to an uplifting way like the previous song. I love the imagery in the lyrics (and like...they’re surprisingly real and raw for Phineas and Ferb) Singing along to it is so cathartic, I could listen to this one on a loop and not get tired of it. 

Happy New Year

THIS SONG DESERVES TO BE ON AN ALBUM. I listen to it every new year; it really captures the feeling of New Year’s Eve and the celebration of starting over (and also. uh. I will forever associate it with Phinabella and lovely Phinabella vibes because of that scene of them dancing together).

Busted

Busted is iconic. Plain and simple. I adore it. Love the harmonies, love the vibe, I’m pretty sure this was the most listened to song on my old iPod, lol. 

Somebody Gimme a Grade

I was (and am...lol) 100% the kid who had to have the best grades they could, so this song speaks to me on an emotional level. I also love the clever wordplay--like, “you wasted all my time learning how to rhyme then left me hangin’ from a treble clef!” is sUCH A GOOD LINE LIKE WHO THOUGHT OF THAT IT’S BRILLIANT. I also love getting to see Baljeet come out of his shell a bit and express himself! 

Happy Evil Love Song

This is one of my go-to songs to play on the ukulele! It’s just so funny and sweet (as long as you don’t think about what happens after it, lol). 

I Really Don’t Hate Christmas

THIS SONG. I LOVE IT. I love that it pokes fun at the “villains hating Christmas” trope while also subverting it! It’s just, so soooooo so great. I have a great time trying to sing it each Christmas season, LOLLLL. (because those are some FAST lyrics. how did Dan do it????)

That Christmas Feelin’

This is one of my favorite Christmas songs ever!!! It really captures the vibe and joy of the season, and I always go out of my way to play it when hanging out with people who might not know it’s from Phineas and Ferb! lol

In The Empire

One of my biggest flexes is being able to sing the entire “It’s sO NOT FAIR....” section of this song, LOLLLL. It’s just such a fun one to sing!!! (or attempt to sing....hah. Ashley has SKILLS.)

Ferb Latin

Ok, this one might seem a little random, but as a musician, I am OBSESSED with how the three melodies intersect and blend together at the end of the song!!! It sounds SO GOOD. (Plus. Phinabella duet. Yes. Are y’all detecting a pattern?)

Aerial Area Rug

So I’ll just go ahead and say PHINABELLA first because this song has MASSIVE Phinabella vibes (I mean it begins with a homage to the “do you trust me?” scene with Phineas and Isabella, that’s like pure-seratonin right there). And this song is also genuinely just so beautiful. It’s sung so well and the instrumentation is gorgeous and the lyrics are so literal but like, they work very well. (and that key change baby, I love a good key change!)

Gitchee Gitchee Goo

Gitchee Gitchee Goo means that I love you! It’s a classic, and super catchy, and totally reminds me of Phinabella even though in the context of canon that isn’t what it’s about at all😅. Also! Candace and Phineas singing and having fun together will always make me smile. I crave wholesome sibling interactions. 

Thank You For Coming Along

THIS SONG MAKES ME FEEL THINGS....I really can’t think of a better send off the show could’ve had. I love how genuine it is, like a love letter to the fans, with all the references and such (I’m a sucker for fourth wall breaks, lol)! And I mean, that Phinabella moment near the end is just MAGNIFIQUE, YES, FOURTH WALL BREAK, PHINABELLA KISS REFERENCES, AND PHINEAS FLIRTING WITH ISABELLA??? WE LOVE TO SEE IT. 

We’re Back

and THIS SONG. THIS SONG RIGHT HERE. I can’t think of a better re-introduction to these characters after saying goodbye to them years ago. This song really feels like a warm hug, a welcome home. The music video Disney released for it is especially wonderful because it incorporates scenes from the show!!! I always rock out to this one whenever it comes on. It’s a gift, truly. I love it. I needed this song this year!!!

Ok I could go on and on and on but this post is getting really long so I think I’d better just post it, LOL. Maybe I can make a pt. 2 sometime, LOL. Because there are plenty of other songs I love!!! 

THANKS FOR THE ASK MADDY I HAD SO MUCH FUN WITH THIS!!!!!!

[kpopismylifenow]

Lots of tea spilt today huh?😅

Ok so on a more serious note If you havn't seen it basically Chan finally addressed the Woojin situation(indirectly of course) on vlive: "I know a person who faced the worst consequence by making alot mistakes and those mistakes affected the people around them.....If you make a promise with a team.... you really need to be responsible and keep those promises and not break them.....its okay to make mistakes but remember to think of the people around you and your future your dreams because the actions and decisions you make can be a really big turning point in your life......Dont be the person who only thinks about himself because that's kind of like betrayal.....think about the people around you and dont be selfish"

Now I feel like I'm always talking about Woojin at this point but this will be my last post on it (unless we get another update) so as I stated in previous posts I would not support a Woojin solo career unless we got clarification on what actually happened. And although we still dont know what happened based on what Chan addressed we now know Woojin did Something. It confirms my suspicion and knowing now that departing was a consequence of whatever action(s) he decided to make, my opinion on his solo career still stands, however that's not the point of this post.

Look ever since his departure Stays have been grieving because there was no closure, because it was sudden, because we didn't know anything. There've been speculations since day 1 as to why he left, rumors, people constantly bringing him up asking why and now it's finally been addressed (of course it was indirectly as I doubt he was even suppose to bring up in the first place) but he did. Why? Because he trusts his fans, he trusts Stays to take this information as closure but all I've seen you guys do is choose sides! Yeah we now know Woojin made mistakes which lead to his leaving but that's not an excuse to throw hate on him. Enough to stop supporting him? Absolutely. Enough to throw hate? Absolutely Not. Whether we want to admit it or not he was once part of the team, he was part of the family, and yeah he caused alot hurt, but he also gave us many good memories and I don't want Stays to forget that. Chan told us because he thought we deserved to know, because he trusts us, (and honestly he also probably wanted to vent) but to see that trust not go both ways? To see Stays now turning on him because he "threw shade"? That's completely missing the point. Look at context, look at everything this band, this fandom has been through. They were always seen as close, as nine, and to suddenly not be that? To have to pretend that everthings normal, that nothing happened, the band that seemed to tell us everything suddenly not being able to say anything? That puts on a lot of pressure, so to finally gain enough trust again, to open up about a situation your not even allowed to acknowledge and do it anyway? That just shows how much he cares and for people to turn into something else is just saddening. I get that's its hard to accept, we all wanted them to have left on good terms, for it not to have been anyone's fault but unfortunately that's not reality. I know it's difficult, again they always appeared so close, we were all like family, but we have to acknowledge that mistakes were made, they were dealt with, they have finally been brought to light and now we have to move on. And what better timing than in their anniversary? To come clean and start fresh on the very day they were created? To each move onto their own path and start a brand new year as 8. And yeah it hurts, it will for a while, but I dont think this was coincidence, it was brought up for a reason, closure, acceptance, moving on. It's a brand new start for Stray Kids, for Stays and it's time we accepted that. Yes it was nine or none, the number 9 will always mean something it will always be in our memories but that's where it has to stay. It was nine but now it's eight and we as Stays have to face that and it's going to be tough but we have to overcome that

Stray Kids are Eight.

Woojin is just a soloist.

We need to move on.