#if any of y’all put this post on my dash and side with the original and think a child is pathetic and a loser for not wanting to drink and

[whimsyprinx]

regarding this post (linked back to my reblog of it) a lot of y’all are seriously so fucking pathetic. You’re out here calling a whole 16 year old a loser, lameass, pussy, buzzkill, narc, snitch, dickweed, and more! most of y’all are grown ass adults too like get a fucking life instead of getting together to shame a teenager for not wanting to drink and making a post about it online, from what I hear people have been harassing them, A CHILD as well. Y’all shouldn’t be pressuring or judging anyone over not wanting to drink ESPECIALLY children,,, like what the fuck is wrong with y’all?

[disenchantedfaerie]

So many things to say and so many things not to say.

Fandom: This fandom is toxic. There is no other way to put it. It’s toxic from top to bottom, left to right, diagonally. My partners and I discussed this today because we were bored. We whole heartedly believe it starts at the top and by top I mean her majesty of the written word. Of course, now that’s she’s dropped the self diagnosis of “somewhat autistic,” you really can’t say anything because then you’re a horrible person. But she uses that as an excuse for her snark and condescending attitude. Hey. Whatever lady. I don’t follow you, I don’t read your books and aside from the few things I see, you’re no better than the leads. The difference is you’ve been milking the fandom for 30 years; people are waiting for you to finish and you can’t even complete the one that was supposed to be done last year. Yet you continue to yak about this side thing or that side thing and really, I don’t need a JF origin story. We’ve gotten that enough in the 9 other flipping books. You see the pattern here tho folks?

The female lead: She has done her share of being flippant and rude to people on her SM. She becomes sweet as pecan pie on Thanksgiving when she wants to want to launch something though. She was the one who wanted to end the shipper rumors and so IFH happened but sadly when you skirt around a subject and don’t say your partner’s name or take photos of them/with them and only take photos with your male lead in what could be construed as compromising positions - yeah. People will continue to buy what you sell to them. I’ve said it time and again, they are the biggest trolls in the fandom and do more to fuel the ship, even now that she is married to another man who is not the male lead, than anyone else. That’s all I have to say about her. She doesn’t owe anyone anything, none of them do actually, but sometimes being kind goes out the window with the lot of them.

His highness: Where to begin? His “fans” come all the way over here to our little corner of tumblr to hide behind Anon Asks to spew their hate and vitriol to those of us who seem to have opinions that differ from theirs. Namely, he is not a god. He is not someone we worship. We simply come together over coffee and tea and trade stories of current events and talk about the what if’s. My opinion of him is based on his own actions. Maybe all these “fans” want to blur the timeline of events and take it as gospel from his highness that he went on his luxury vacation before the travel ban while the rest of us cancelled ours and many lost jobs and incomes. Well that’s simply untrue. When he was called out, knowing he was wrong, instead of being the sweet, humble, normal guy that everyone says he is, he doubled down, became rude, flippant, went on a blocking spree, posting articles about COVID being no worse than the flu. Did his traveling companion get serious threats. I believe so. I believe he has as well from the same kind of people that come here to our little corner of tumblr, keyboard warriors that hide behind their anonymity and spew hate and vitriol. I also believe that people have gone to Glasgow and stalked his flat, which, come on people. That’s wrong on so many levels. I lived in LA for many years. It never occurred to me to drive to Malibu, Hollywood Hills, Laurel Canyon to actually stalk the celebs. Why? What’s the point? So I can see them in their grungy clothes looking like real people? No thanks. I don’t have that kind of time or energy. Thus the 4 page rant. Hey good for you dude. It’s about time you grew a pair actually but what did it accomplish? Nothing really except people stopped talking about his covidiocy. Why? Not because he wasn’t a covidiot and quite frankly still is (remember, he’s the king of “it’s not worse than the flu”) but because he pulled the mental health card. I think he does have mental health issues. I still have high hopes that some day he will realize this himself and seek the help he needs.

Now these Anons come to our little corner of tumblr and drop their comments saying things like “I hope you get COVID and die. It’s because of you he did his 4 page rant. The people you call mommies are his real fans.” Mmmkay. I used to blindly defend him. I used to buy into his shilling and his ever so sweet exterior, I even bought into the “best fans ever” bullshit. You want to blame us who never name him, her or the one who “writes” in any blog, never hashtag him, her, or the other one or the show, never interact with any of them on other platforms of SM for his 4 page rant, his mental illness, all of his flaws and accuse us of not being fans - fine. He who is without sin, cast the first stone. Perhaps you need to sit back and take a long look at yourself in the mirror as well. Wishing a deadly disease on people, making threats, spewing hatred - isn’t this the exact same thing that was done to his highness and you were all up in arms about it, yet you come here and do it to others and think that’s okay. What makes it okay? Because you’re defending your favorite star? If this is what it means to part of this fandom, part of his fandom specifically, no thank you. When y’all can walk on water, then you can judge me. Until then, judge not lest ye be judged.

I walked away long ago but I’m still human and still have an opinion, everyone does. If he’s your favorite celeb then perhaps you should follow his advice the next time you see something you don’t agree with - suggest you ignore. He’s the one that started the entire “be kind” campaign right? Or does that only apply when it’s comvenient? If you think this is the sort of behavior that will get you on his Christmas card list or the top of his potential list of never ending “girlfriends” - well, good luck. At some point this man (again, he’s a man, he’s flawed, he makes mistakes and he’s not perfect) will fall from the pedestal his fandom have put him on and then where will you all be? He has been unapologetic for all the things he’s done. He continues to shill his swill and all his other crap when a lot people can’t make ends meet. He continues to ask for donations to HIS causes instead of asking people to take care of themselves or their own communities. I love Scotland as much as anyone but my money right now is better served in my community. I ignore most of what they all do, following his own suggestion of ignoring, but things cross my dash and I do not condone or appreciate threats. I didn’t condone it when the threats were directed at him, his traveling companion, or anyone else nor have I ever made a threat against anyone.

I wish to be treated the way I treat others and if you can’t do the same, if you can’t engage with me in a calm, adult manner, I don’t have time for you. You can have a differing opinion than me. It’s okay. We don’t have to agree but we can respectfully disagree and discuss, not argue, about who’s right and who’s wrong. It isn’t cut and dry, black and white. We can agree to disagree and still be civil and still be friends.

My Scotsman added this: When will the games end, when will the games stop? I had high hopes for his highness to lead by example and be better but he’s a follower and he followers her majesty’s lead. He follows his business partner’s lead. He sees her milk the fandom, so why can’t he and he does an excellent job of it. His fandom vote for meaningless awards until their fingers bleed, buy all of his merchandise, buy anything he sells up to and including the ship. Is there an ounce of him being a genuine person left? Yes. He gives us a glimpse now and again but make no mistake, he will take you for what you’re worth. Maybe one day he’ll change and we’ll follow him again. Until then, I’ll be watching like my partner. I’ll be around.

I guess at the end of the day my point is this, the fandom made itself toxic and I highly doubt at this point it can or will turn around. Why would it? All we can do is choose to be part of the toxicity and contribute to it and pass it forward like these precious anons have been doing or we can choose to walk away, scroll on by, try to make the world or at least our little corner of it better.

I’m still disenchanted. I hope one day my wings turn white again with the promise of a better time and place. Until then, take care my friends. I’ll be watching and I’ll be blogging.

[feyjiayi]

ooc update!

hey y’all! i don’t know if anyone noticed i haven’t posted in a while but because i haven’t, i just wanted to give a quick update before i get back into the swing of things.

long story short, you haven’t seen any new posts from jiayi because i kind of lost my direction with him for a while. he’s still a really fun muse, but his original purpose got derailed over time and it became really difficult to stay motivated to write with him. i’m giving it another shot before i can call it and declare the time of death though! i wasn’t ready to part with him just yet.

this is also a plot call! please send me a message or like this post if you’re interested in plotting with wolfboy jiayi; i’m really looking forward to getting him involved again!

under the cut i’m gonna post a few updates and plotting i’ve been able to do with previous connections/in progress connections during my dash absence. hopefully this can help inspire some new connections and plots as well!! (anything that may seem lore-relevant was run by the admin and approved btw)

so the broke bitch needed to get a job but doesn’t have the “people skills” for your basic first jobs; jiayi grew up more wolf than human so he needed some way to make a living off of that. turns out there’s underground werewolf fights where he’s made a modest living off of beating up other werewolves (or occasionally getting beat up; sometimes they pay you more to throw a fight for the betters, you know)

he’s also working for his cousin @feyxuilan; yes i know she’s a witch but we’ve determined that jiayi’s dad was a witch before being turned and the cousins have only recently been in contact since both coming to seoul.

his previous goal was to recruit strong beta werewolves to challenge his previous alpha for the throne, but this is the part where he got a little derailed. he thinks he’s in love with @feydaeyong after spending a significant amount of time trying to train him for the original goal. i mean, i kinda believe that he’s in love but jiayi said it way too fast so maybe he’s just stupid! regardless, the new goal is to make a home here in seoul for/with daeyong. daeyong told jiayi that he was tired of running once and jiayi decided that’s it, he’s getting a job and getting daeyong a place he’ll never have to run from again.

so now that he’s putting down roots, he might be interested in really starting a pack of his own instead of trying to take over his previous pack. could be a plot point btw!! any lone werewolves or werewolves willing to switch sides... hmu.... it’s not an official pack yet but maybe if there’s more in it then it will be...?

he’s still terrified of vampires, stays guarded and wary around them.

probably more comfortable with witches now though! since spending time w his cousin and learning that they’re not the demigods that he was lead to believe they were. that said i do kinda believe he might’ve had a run in with a little curse during the dash absence, so if you have a witch who’s short tempered or likes to cause problems on purpose... possibly another plot point?

i think that’s all i have for now! please plot w jiayi while i give him the second chance at life that he deserves!!

[chemiste]

Foresight ~ ch. 1

A/N : hey y’all, this is the very first chapter! please let me know what you think of it, feedback is greatly appreciated :) love Anna

You were so fucking excited for the concert.

Maggie and you had been saving up for a trip to Europe during spring break and were floored to get to go. It also helped that her father had been kind enough to take you girls with him on his company jet since he had a meeting in Germany (CEO of one of the biggest companies had its perks). 

After Maggie and you had parted ways with him, you both spent a few days traveling around Darmstadt when Maggie got a call from her father saying one of his colleagues had gotten concert tickets to a show in Basel for his daughter’s birthday but she wasn’t going to be able to make it and gave them to him for Mags instead.

“Ya dad, what’s up?—no way really? Of course we’ll go! Okay, tell him thank you for us!”

“You got concert tickets.” You stated, after taking a sip of your lemonade you bought from the small German woman that had been selling them at the farmer’s market you both stumbled across.

 Maggie rolled her eyes at you, “I can never surprise you can I?!” You laughed, “Sorry! It’s not like I can help it.” “I know, you’ve got your super psychic abilities that unables me to throw you a surprise birthday party!” She exclaimed, then blew a raspberry as if to prove her disappointment.

You were psychic, sort of. Your parents first noticed it when you would say the delivery line of a joke in sync with the late show host of whatever was playing on the TV. 

At first, they thought you must have heard it beforehand but then it just kept happening during things they knew were new airings. You also were never surprised, ever. Which probably was a bit of a bummer but it’s not like you knew any different. The moment they knew you had some sort of ability was during your middle school’s raffle at a spirit week fundraiser. 

They both watched in awe as you recited the 8 number combination of the winning ticket before it had been drawn.

After that significant event, they took you to a doctor who referred you to a colleague that dealt with psychological abilities. They were the ones to inform your parents you basically just knew things before others could. It couldn’t be classified till you got older and even if you did more tests, it wouldn’t do anything so you’re parents just decided to leave it at that. 

You weren’t conscious of yourself doing it when you were young but as you got older, you could catch yourself thinking about something like it’s going to rain in 8 minutes and 36 seconds or I feel really bad that the little girl just dropped her ice-cream just seconds before it happened.

Well, it was a great party trick to use at uni shindigs.

Maggie smiled as a notification popped up on her phone. “Dad just sent over the concert tickets, let's go to the train station and see if we can get a ride straight to Basel.” 

Fortunately, you both had your suitcases with you since you were originally going further down the road to France and then Switzerland, but oh well, you could just reroute. Both you and Maggie were buzzed to be able to go see a concert on your trip and didn’t hesitate to change your plans.

It was easy to find the station and after a bit of horrible German from Maggie to the ticket booth woman, you both had boarding tickets to Basel. 

“I’m really excited to see Harry Styles, the new album is really good.” You said as you both settled into a train booth and hoisted the suitcases to the overhead compartment. 

“I never told you— oh never mind, yeah I’m pumped! These tickets are for the floor so you bet your ass we’re squishing our way to the front. I’m too damn short to be anywhere else!” You chuckled at her statement. 

You started humming the melody of a song that had been stuck in your head all afternoon and scrolled through some pictures on your phone and decided to post something on Instagram.

The ride was uneventful, plus a great time to book a room on Airbnb and catch a small nap before the concert that night. Maggie and you took a cab from the train station to the lovely home you were spending the night in, or rather the spare guest home that was in the backyard. 

It was a fantastic find since most motels had been already booked for other spring breakers, apparently, the couple that was supposed to stay that night had to cut their trip short cause the man’s sister was going into labor in London. 

Well, that’s what the elderly lady—Martha call me Martha— said as she took you girls to the back house.

While Mags rummaged through her clothes looking for something to wear, you very graciously flopped onto the king bed that was pressed to the back wall.

Her head popped up from the other side of the case, “What are you gonna wear Y/N?” She stood up with a sequin pink top stretched out between her to hands to examine it, “I’m thinking this sparkle top thing I shoved in my bag last minute and my black denim skirt.” 

You let out a whine and sat up, “Yeah that will look nice, I’m thinking I’ll wear my Ramones t-shirt and some high waisted blue jeans—ya know the ones that make my ass look fantastic?”

Your bubbly brunette friend nodded her head excitedly at you and then suggested getting a quick bite to eat before the show. “We’ve got several hours to kill before.” After you got dinner, you headed down the street to a small bakery that you snapped a photo of to post later and got some goodies to snack on.

Maggie moaned as she chewed her Mandelgipfel, and you unwrapped one of the Biberlis you purchased. On the walk back, you thought about the setlist (which you had conveniently pulled up on your phone to see what you’d be watching).

“I’m really excited to hear Carolina, he sings like he’s sex on legs during that song.” She told you as she threw her napkin into the bin as she walked by.

You threw your head back and laughed, Maggie could sure be blunt sometimes, you thought to yourself.

Once back at the AirBnB, it was a bit of a mad dash to get ready. You did your favorite makeup and a good hairdo that would last threw all the headbanger songs. Mags went with space buns and bright pink eyeshadow to “match her sparkle shirt of course!” 

Before you knew it, the pair of you took a cab to the concert center and were into the venue without a hassle.

“Excuse me! So sorry, trying to get through!” Maggie demanded as she pushed through the crowd, her 4th beer in one hand and yours in the other, having a pushy small friend has its perks. Somehow, you don’t really know how (too busy trying to make sure your vodka didn’t spill) she managed to get you both to the very front of the stage.

People in black were on various parts of the stage, clipboards in hand. Some had walkie talkies and would speak into them every so often, you wondered how they could hear a response with such a loud crowd.

Maggie and you finished your drinks and put them into the bin over the barrier that was thankfully just an arms reach away. A few minutes later, the lights went dark and everyone started to cheer. Mags leaned over to you, “I think Mabel is coming on!”

The songs Mabel played were fun and the pair of y’all bounced to the beat of God Is A Dancer, the girl bowed and finally the rubric cube showed above on the large screen.

Screams filled the arena, you hollered while your friend jumped up screaming like a preteen.

And then there he was.

Only Angel was fantastic, and Harry looked amazing. He was decked out in a black sequin jacket and pants that shined with every minuscule movement the man made. It was jaw-dropping, to say the least.

After you jammed to Woman, snapped a picture during Ever Since New York, and rocked with Maggie to Two Ghosts, he took a pause to speak with the crowd.

“‘ello! ’m Harry Styles, nice to meet you.” The crowd erupted in cheers. “It’s lov’ly to see all your beautiful faces t’night, ‘m so glad you could make it t’ the show!”

“This next song is one of my favorites to perform, this is Carolina.”

Maggie nearly had a heart attack when he said the first syllable, and you were having a blast as well. Also good to note that yes, Maggie was right, he does look like walking sex when he performs that song (but I mean, when does he not).

You were mesmerized by the way he owned the stage, like it was his lover. You closed your eyes and rolled your body to the beat.

As the song ended, Harry seemed a little jittery which intrigued you, just a moment ago he seemed so confident. Maybe it’s because he’s nervous to perform his new songs.

Wait, what?

“— and uh, we’ve never play this before, this is a new one, this one’s called Medicine.” Maggie and you looked at each other with wide eyes and screamed with the crowd as well, the vodka was starting to kick in and your mind was floating in bliss.

Here to take my medicine, take my medicine

Treat you like a gentleman

Give me that adrenaline, that adrenaline

Think I'm gonna stick with you

Here to take my medicine, take my medicine

Rest it on your fingertips

Up to your mouth, feeling it out

Feeling it out

You were singing along with the song having a grand o’l time of it, what you didn’t realize is that Maggie was standing next to you, staring at you with the pikachu surprise face. 

She grabbed your shoulder, “You know the lyrics?!” You looked at her with a mild expression, “ya? Don’t you? It’s what I was humming on the train.”

I had a few, got drunk on you and now I'm wasted

And when I sleep I'm gonna dream of how you—

“—TASTED!” You yelled up during the pause. Immediately you knew something was up when Harry’s head snapped over to look right at you. You were the only one to scream that to him. “Oh, fuck! Nobody else knows this do they?!”

If you go out tonight, I'm going out 'cause I know you're persuasive

You got the salt and I got me an appetite; now I can taste it

You get me dizzy, oh, you get me dizzy

La la la la la

You get me dizzy, oh, you get me dizzy, oh

You said to Maggie as people around you gave you a funny side-eye. She shook her head and laughed. “It’s no fair that you were jamming to this hours before I was!” It’s whatever, just enjoy the show Y/N!

Tingle running through my blood, fingers to my toes

Tingle running through my bones

The boys and the girls are here

I mess 'round a bit

And I'm okay with it

The boys and girls are here

I'm messing 'round with them

And I'm okay with it

As you went back to dancing, your fuzzy state of mind didn’t seem to register that a certain singer was watching you as you sang every lyric with him.

Oh god, there must have been a leak somewhere, Harry thought as he finished the chorus.

I'm coming down, I figured out I kinda like it

And when I sleep I'm gonna dream of how you—

“—Ride it!” You yelled out subconsciously. Fuck I did it again! You thought. 

Harry couldn’t believe it, there you were, in the front row acting like nothing was strange about you yelling out lyrics he had purposely not sung. He kept going and let his eyes skitter around the crowd of people close to you.

If you go out tonight, I'm going out 'cause I know you're persuasive

You got the salt and I got me an appetite; now I can taste it

You get me dizzy, oh, you get me dizzy, oh

La la la la la

You get me dizzy, oh, you get me dizzy, oh

They seem just as confused as I do, so luckily, maybe it’s a fresh leak that can be fixed quickly. God, I’m going to have to get a new laptop aren’t I? How are people so damn good at hacking, Harry thought.

I had a few, got drunk on you and now I'm wasted

The rockstar shook his head and waved his hands during the ending of the lyrics. The lights went out and he took a deep breath. It’ll be fine.

If you go out tonight, I'm going out 'cause I know you're persuasive

You got the salt and I got me an appetite; now I can taste it

You get me dizzy, oh, you get me dizzy, oh

La la la la la

You get me dizzy, oh, you get me dizzy, oh

The song ended and the concert attendees roared with praise of hearing a “supposedly” unreleased song. Maggie pulled you down into a crouch as she saw the singer looking with hawk eyes over the area they stood. 

“Y/N, He totally heard you! And I don’t think he’s too happy about it.” You both slowly stood up to see him walking over to Mitch, his guitarist and whisper something in his ear. The man in question looked over to where you were and it made you die a tiny bit inside. 

Oh god, I really hope I’m not in trouble.

Surprisingly, you hadn’t ever gotten into a bad situation because of your psychic abilities, it always helped most of the time, like when you were able to stop your friend from running around a corner of a building, not knowing a bicyclist was racing down it; Saved her and the cyclist from a bad crash.

 Now, feeling the eyes of multiple, very important people, made you think this was revenge for all the times you did a good deed. Ugh, I thought karma was supposed to reward good deeds! Not punish them!

Everything seemed to return to normal as Harry started Meet Me In The Hallway, then chatting with a couple fans, sang Sweet Creature, a lucky catch of a lavender bra which he quickly threw back out, and then If I Could Fly, everything was fine and dandy.

Till he announced the next song.

“This song is called Anna, and it’s new. 1,2,3,4!”

As the intro played, Harry kept an eye on you. There was no way you could know this one, they had never recorded it in the studio, only practice. If you did, oh god he didn’t even want to think about it.

Don't know where you're laying, just know it's not with me

Don't know what I'd tell you if I passed you on the street

Okay, it seems fine right now, she’s not singing along, just dancing with her friend as she said something to her. He continued.

I don't want your sympathy

But you don't know what you do to me

Oh, Anna

Fuck. There you were, pretending to have an invisible mic in your hand and belting out the lyrics. He watched for a moment as your brown-haired friend grabbed you by the arm and ‘discreetly’ nodded her head up to him. Wait, did you look surprised that you were singing along too?

Every time I see your face

There's only so much I can take

Oh, Anna

“Oh my god I did it again Maggie! He’s gonna call security isn’t he, and then I’ll be taken down to the station and locked away because he’s rich and famous and I’ll never see the light of day again!” You cried.

Don't know how you taste when there's smoke in your perfume

So chew me up and spit me out, nothing left to lose

I don't want your sympathy

But you don't know what you do to me

Oh, Anna

Every time I see your face

There's only so much I can take

Oh, Anna

Mags took hold of your chin and pulled you down to her face, “It’s alright, we’ll figure it out Y/N, plus they might just check online to see if someone had put up a recording beforehand that they didn’t know about and they’ll just think you’re a crazy dedicated fan. I really don’t think Harry Styles is going to lock you up for knowing his songs.”

You let out a large breath and nodded at her. You purposely kept your mouth shut during the next chorus, not wanting his eyes on you for a bad reason again.

I don't want your sympathy

But you don't know what you do to me

Oh, Anna

Every time I see your face

There's only so much I can take

Oh, Anna

Hope you never hear this and know that it's for you

I don't know what I'd tell you if you asked me for the truth

I don't want your sympathy

But you’ll never know what you do to me

Oh, Anna

Every time I see your face

There's only so much I can take

Oh, Anna

Some guy behind you pushed forward, causing you to squish into the barrier. It distracted you enough that when you looked up, Harry Styles and you were having a little duet.

Well I guess it would be nice

If I could touch your body

If I could touch your body

If I could touch your body

If I could touch your body

That’s it, how the FUCK does she know that part? Harry and the band had only decided to add it to the song yesterday for a fun spin-off of a classic. He was starting to freak out inside but oddly enough, it looked like she was too.

I don't want your sympathy

But you’ll never know what you do to me

Oh, Anna

Every time I see your face

There's only so much I can take

Oh, Anna

The song ended and you whipped around to face the crowd rather than him, back still pressed to the barrier. “Maggie I’m so screwed.” She put her hand on your shoulder and whispered to you, “Are there any more surprise songs?” 

You shook your head, “The setlist is altered a bit but that’s it. Wait, why do I know that?!”

You leaned your head back and looked to the ceiling, “Maggie, my psychic-ness isn’t usually this strong? I guess is the word?"—you looked at her—“why is it so easy to just know this stuff because of him?”

The space bunned brunette only shrugged. “Let's just enjoy the rest of the show, ‘kay?” You nodded and turned back around only to be met with an intense stare from the man on stage, but the stare wasn’t mad—more a confused look, which surprised you.

The rest of the show went very well. Maggie nearly burst into tears when she heard his rendition of TWMYB and then Sign Of The Times. His encore was phenomenal and you sang your head off to The Chain and rocked your socks off to Kiwi.

“Thank you eve’yone!” Was the last thing shouted out by the singer as he left the stage, but not without sparing you one last glance. 

“Let’s try and get out of here as fast as possible.” Maggie agreed and hand in hand you weaved your way through the crowd.

Just as you thought you made it home free, a security guard stopped you.

 “Ma’am, if you would please follow me. You’re needed backstage.” 

Your stomach dropped, oh no.

telephone hour for this chapter

ch.2

let me know what you think! 

~ Jess

[jimlingss]

Thank you, everyone, for your words of encouragement. In this short amount of time, I’ve been absolutely overwhelmed with messages of support. I want to reassure you all that I’m by no means as hurt as some of you think, or at least not after so much kindness. I’ve always encouraged all kinds of feedback!! From compliments to constructive criticism. And I’m (supposedly) an Adult™, so I can definitely take someone’s opinion.

Regardless, thank you to everyone who reached out to me. I want to respond to each and everyone of you under this post so I don’t flood other people’s dashes.

Anonymous said: about the anon who said your fics lack emotion, hmm i wouldn't quite agree tbh, i remember reading tears of a villian and deadass crying, it hurt me so much!! also, in "fall in hatred" their feeling are so well portrayed and i could understand why they acted a certain way! to conlclude, there is always some space for constructive criticism but your stories, are to me, something very attentively built and created, it's apparent that you completely enjoy writing, I can feel your enthusiasm!!

--to that anon; pls don't get this wrong way but it's just the way I see it and I've read quite a lot till now

nah deadass crying isn’t good enough anymore, anon. You have to be keening and violently sobbing until you’re brought into the ER for my fics to be considered to have emotion. lol I’m only kidding, thank you for the message.

peachiest-hun said: To that anon who said your work lacked emotions, I beg to differ! I have read Jungle Park so many times I know at exactly which chapter when the heavy angst starts happening and I read those parts when I just want to have a good cry (I still cry every. single. time)! Also Head Over Heels to Hell, The Colour of Our Voices, Love So Shallow (because I so relate with OC), and many more have given me the FEELS (happy and sad ones). 1/2

So what I'm trying to say is that Jimlingss is doing a great job in her craft. She does deliver emotions in her work and the reason I love it so much is that it's SUBTLE and not completely in your face. Sometimes emotions that are subtle and they hit you slowly, but powerfully it hurts even more for me. On another note, I'm loving Sugar and Coffee. In times of darkness which are often these days, I have something to look forward to every week to keep me motivated. So thank you Jimlinggs! 2./2

Istg Jungle Park is one of the most unexpectedly beloved fics on my blog but I love it hahaha I can’t believe you’ve read it to the point of knowing what chapter is what though. that’s an honour. There’s definitely stories of mine that are less subtle than others, but I’m glad that you enjoy the latter of them too :’) Thank you.

Anonymous said: This is my first time ever leaving a message on someone’s tumblr, but I just felt that I HAD to after reading that anon’s comment about your stories lacking emotion. I wholly disagree (in the nicest way possible, not throwing any shade at anyone). I’ve read all of your fics (for the past two years) and I look forward to when you release new material (the highlight of my Mondays right now after I come home from working at a clinic). Your stories have really lifted my mood during this pandemics an

Anonymous said: Sorry for that long tangent. Don’t even know if I made sense. You don’t have to respond to any of this, but you deserve to hear some positive words as well.

Oh my god. Did I just take your tumblr-message virginity? asdfghjkl I’m kidding. but thank you for reaching out to me. I can’t believe you’ve been around for such a long time and that I’m a part of your Monday routine :’) 

Anonymous said: OK that ask about "constructive criticism" was def imo RUDE. You don't just anonymously go into someone's asks and bluntly tell an author that their fics "lack emotion". That is not the way to encourage someone to improve and continue to work hard. That's just flat out mean. That person clearly doesn't care about your feelings or the fact that you write and share your stories for FREE for us to enjoy. I love your stories and appreciate what you've shared with us. Thank you for your hard work ❤️

I like to give the benefit of the doubt to anons and anyone sending me a message online in general. God knows there were times I meant well but it was received wrongly. But anyway, my mind was more boggled than I was hurt, that’s one thing for sure.

joonie-mono said: + it was called love so shallow which genuinely made me see myself in a character, but my point was that your writing has a specific feel to it, it's made me laugh and cry (His Name personally killed me :] ) and that's my opinion. You and your writing are amazing and I'm sorry but that anon was just so wrong.

oof bringing out the evidence. be my attorney please.

Anonymous said: As someone who has read your entire masterlist (and going through it again) i will have to wholeheartedly disagree with that anon. The way you portray SO many emotions in your fics is *chefs kiss* and I honestly thought that the ones that “lack emotion” were meant to be that way, with an open ending, the idea that their love just started, soo.... yeah, I’ll have to disagree.

There are definitely stories of mine that are a bit looser on romance. Such as Kitchen Romance, The President’s Son, The Heiress’ Son, Arcadia, etc. But I have a loooot of fics that are quite emphasized in either despair/sadness or cute fluff.

ladyartemesia said: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I am here to disrespectfully disagree with anon who probably doesn’t write effing ANYTHING and has no idea what it takes to produce the content you do. I have followed for months and I’m still not through your masterlist BECAUSE reading your stories is a bloomin EMOTIONAL EVENT. When I read Brass and Strings, I LOST A WHOLE DAY. Like I was so into it, my DAY was gone. Anon is prolly salty there isn’t more smut I guess. That’s whatever for them. (Part 1)

It’s subtle, deep, meaningful, and incredible and you’re one of my favorite authors. I can’t FOR A SECOND let that comment go cause it’s RIDICULOUS. You’re literally so gifted. You don’t need to change a thing. Every artist, no matter their medium, should continue to improve. So in that sense I wish you all the growth in the world as you work towards the perfection of your craft. BUT SERIOUSLY you’re an incredible writer. That anon is loony. I’m so sorry you had to even read those crazy words.

As I answer these messages, it’s starting to feel like I’m the third party mediator of a dispute and all y’all are just HAMMERING it to this anon, LOL. I’m not sure if the anon is necessarily requesting for more smut but if they are, they might be happy this Friday (*COUGH spoiler for those actually reading my responses)

Anyway, you’re too kind. thank you. I am definitely not as hurt as I was earlier.

((and tbh you’re hilarious, you’re actually making me laugh irl))

krystle1990 said: Woah!! Ok first that Anon is absolutely crazy. I literally stalk your page for new work being put out! I probably blow up your notifications daily. I've never been disappointed in any of your work. You always give a heads up if it will take time for the characters to realize their feelings which I absolutely love. It always leaves me ready for the next part and I am glued to my phone with every update. You're amazing and I can't wait to see how you grow with your work. 💜😘

ASDFGHJKL PLEASEEE if it’s someone who’s worried about blowing up notifications, it’s me. To those who have notifications on I sincerely can’t fathom how often I blow up people’s phones. I digress, I always give out warnings to keep people patient since I know slow burn can be excruciating haha thank you for the message.

kigurumu said: Also just want to add that saying you have good intentions or "don't mean to be mean" does not cancel out whatever offensive thing you just said. IT WILL STILL RUDE. Not saying all negative feedback is bad. Criticism can be hard to take no matter how it's phrased, but telling a writer to be more like another writer is like telling them their style isn't good enough which is NOT helpful. Your writing is your own. If the anon wants to read fics that are like gukyi's, they can read gukyi's fics 🙄

Also I've been waiting until Sugar and Coffee is done so I can binge it all at once but avoiding spoilers from all the asks is so hard haha! I keep seeing all these good things about it and I'm SO tempted to just read it now but I've already waited this long so I don't wanna give up kfnrjrofvjskdh guess I'll reread your other fics in the meantime

The message was fine on its own but I think dragging in another writer at the end was definitely not ok. When will comparing writers end. But regardless, gukyi and I are cool with one another - i mean we wrote 100k together so it’s gonna have to take a reverse Zuko arc for us to be on bad terms lol

Anyway, oooh you’re one of those bingers. Can’t say I blame you cause I love binging myself, so it’s understandable for readers to wait till the series is over. and since you were so kind in following up your original message with two more and expressing so much appreciation for me :’), I’ll let you know that the finale of Sugar and Coffee will be posted by July 20th! by then, the entire series will be completed. 

Anonymous said: Tbh i think that neither you nor that anon is wrong. Some people like it more romanticised and cheesy, some people dont. I believe that your stories are more on the realistic side of life. People (whom your characters represent) cant always be cheesy and passionate for love, there are other things in life! Maybe you're just the type who's too realistic for any hopeless romantic things like i am and it's fine. Not all writers can write dramatic romance

Tbh, I agree. It’s a matter of opinion and there’s no one wrong in the fight of opinions. As I’ve said many times on my blog, the cringe factor varies between person to person. What someone might think is fluffy is absolutely cringey to another. What someone might think is a good amount of fluff is not enough for someone else. I’ve written a lot. And I’ve made sure to add lots of variations between the amount of romance in my stories. Indeed, some are definitely more subtle and “realistic” while others are completely cheesy and makes me gag from the amount of sugar in it lol I just think the anon should take a look at more of my stories before coming up with such a conclusive opinion.

Anonymous said: I’ve been reading your fics for over a year now and religiously follow updates every week. Why? Because they make me feel something whether it be joy from fluff or grief from angst. I’ll remember a story of yours months after I first read it and return to it just to feel those emotions again. I understand that emotional responses are usually subjective but I think that anon needs to read your works again, because they sure are missing out.

I replied to that anon that they should check out more of my fics and then come back to tell me if they haven’t changed their minds, so I don’t know if they’re missing out or not lol

I don’t expect my stories to elicit emotional responses or fanatic feedback for everyone. God knows there’s been other people’s writing styles that just didn’t resonate with me no matter how hard I tried to read their stories. But all I ask is that people try. It’s fine if you give up halfway but at least try reading. That’s fair to ask, right?

[theholycovenantrpg]

CONGRATULATIONS, CAROLINE! YOU’VE BEEN ACCEPTED FOR THE ROLE OF MICHAEL.

Admin Rosey: This was. This was absolutely beautiful to read, Caroline. I feel like there’s no other way to describe it because the emotion behind each and every word was so palpable. I think what struck me - not above all, just something that really struck me and sticks within my mind - is the fact that you identified him as heroic, and then as archaic. It was such a small detail, but it was the most perfect way to describe Michael. He wants to be the hero, the savior - but he’s archaic. Michael is the untitled King of Caelum, and boy, I cannot wait to see how much ruin you will cause to him and everyone else. Sincerely, this was a g i f t to read. Please create and send in your account, review the information on our CHECKLIST, and follow everyone on the FOLLOW LIST. Welcome to the Holy Land!

OUT OF CHARACTER

Alias. Caroline

Age. Twenty-five

Personal Pronouns. She/her or they/them

Activity Level. I will not lie to y’all, I work six days a week ten-hour days. But I also get very attached and want to stay up to date. Between those two, I like to stay up to date with the dash, but sometimes only get to post one or two times a week. Other times I’m always Here. There is no middle ground and I am so sorry

Timezone. EST

Triggers. REMOVED

How did you find the group. Let’s not talk about it (jk it was JJ and we’ve been knowing)

Current/Past RP Accounts. hutchingsb, brighidnolan, achillesgrieves

IN CHARACTER

Character. Michael

Are you comfortable with killing off your character. I sure am, pals. In fact, in the long run, I don’t think Michael should survive. I think he is too muddled in hypocrisy and his own arrogance to not be killed eventually. Especially if history repeated itself and Zadkiel killed him.

What drew you to this character. 

When I was a second semester senior in college (arguably the worst time in my life) I was finishing my degree in philosophy. While everything else went to shit, I took this truly incredible class called the Problem of Evil. I got lowkey obsessed with the concept of this ‘problem of evil’ and what it means for the existence of God. Michael is, in a lot of ways, this discussion in character form. Throughout the roleplay, Michael will have to come to terms with the idea that it’s incredibly hard to be a God type figure and be morally good. And that dynamic excites the fuck out of me y’all.

More than just this philosophical idea that I would literally go feral for, Michael is such a complex character. There are depths to him that just writing this app I got to uncover, and I think that will carry on through writing him always. There is so much potential there, and so much characterization to uncover that I don’t think I could ever tire of the archangel. This being fucks y’all

Plots. 

QUIS UT DUES. Who is like God? History repeats itself. Michael’s rise in the ranks and desperation for both mortals and demons to bend the knee to him shows this. He is not so unlike the figurehead he struck down. He will be forced to make choices that have to be made and enforce punishments that will seem to others merciless. The question truly is how does one become god-like without becoming God-like? What made God so wrong? What made it necessary for Michael to cut Him down? And does Michael even have the ability to notice the difference between the two? The answer, folks, is hell nah.

DEATH RIPENS. ONE NEEDS DEATH IN ORDER TO BE ABLE TO HARVEST THE FRUIT. The fall of God gave Michael the first taste of peace since he can remember. Centuries of carving out punishments and protection means that the archangel has dealt with death before, but it has never soothed him. It has only ever added to his despondency. So when he moved to cut down his own God, he figured the feeling would be much of the same. An intense sense of duty to all creatures and nothing more. The shock he felt at the momentary calm was enough to make him pause. And he is carrying that into his position of King. This idea of death as an action that ends with peace sits in the back of his mind. And it is hardening him into something crueler than he can recognize. 

THE APPALLING STRANGENESS OF THE MERCY OF GOD. Arrogance is almost second nature to the archangel. His pride and his self-worth have become tied into this idea of him becoming a better king, a better version of God. But Michael is also in for a harsh awakening when he has to realize that his idea of merciful, the standard he held God to, isn’t actually all that fair and just. How will he handle coming to terms with the fact that he cannot always be “merciful” and does this make him a hypocrite? If he raised a sword against his Father because He was not merciful, how will he come to terms with the realization that he, as this God-like figure, cannot be supremely good? Will he even be able to realize it at all, and what will push him to that edge?

BROTHER, THE CORD TO THIS WORLD IS A FRAYED ROPE. More than ever, Michael needs his brothers. And, more than ever, he cannot let them in. Michael has always held his position higher than his relationships, but it is more apparent now than ever. He wants the respect from his brothers, because he knows if they can kneel before him so can anyone. But that desire is sharply contrasted by his need for their earnestness. He did not realize the weight their voices held inside of his head until he could no longer hear them freely. I would love to play with this dynamic of Michael feeling isolated and alone without his brothers to act as a soundboard for his thoughts versus believing if he shows his hand too much to them he cannot be respected. This relationship epitomizes Michael’s struggle with finding his footing as a leader and not just a follower of God.

THEN YOU KISSED ME—I FELT HOT WAX ON MY FOREHEAD. Michael’s relationship with Zadkiel is going to cause me physical pain. Zadkiel is the only person who can truly understand the emotional state that Michael has existed in for millennia. He is the only person who has dealt with the conditional love that God had when loving a tool he could wield. And, as a result, Michael has acted the same way towards Zadkiel as God did towards him. His love is conditional on Zadkiel following his orders. But he has held him in high esteem, sought him out, wanted him by their side. There is a bond there that cannot be touched. Zakiel is their reflection in so many ways, and it hurts to look in that mirror. There is this push in pull, that for so long has been for the better but might be souring now in the wake of Michael’s actions. Where he originally could not be soft, could not be vulnerable, in front of the cherubim despite how much it would help him, he really cannot now. He cannot show himself weak to Zadkiel—in the same way God could not to Michael. It is fully a product of how they both have been loved by God, and it does the pair of them injustice. Following the fall of God, Michael has distanced himself from Zadkiel because of how much he sees himself in the other. The weakness he thinks he sees in Zadkiel is just the weakness he sees himself, but his arrogance can’t let him recognize that fully. So instead, he pushes the angel away. Makes the gap between them almost unbreachable, until he breaks again and needs the validation of someone he is constantly searching for that conditional love. Just like he did with God. Zadkiel’s hurt is the biggest doubt that tugs at Michael’s soul. It’s the thing that lets the thought ‘I made a mistake’ keep coming back to him. I would love to see the few moments of “weakness” where Michael allows Zadkiel—and only him—to see the real him especially in a counterpoint to him holding the cherubim at a distance.

I SENSED IN MYSELF A POTENTIALITY FOR CORRUPTION THAT TOOK MY BREATH AWAY. Viktoria is a mistake, but not one he’s ready to admit. Michael’s concept of love is well and truly fucked, because he has only known love from God. And mostly God had conditions for love that were based solely on when Michael acted most as a sword—something inanimate—and not as something conscious and feeling. So when the flicker of something akin to lust flared to life upon looking at Viktora, Micahel mistakes it for love. Or, at the very least, affection. He wants her gaze on him, wants her smiles. So much so that he cannot look through the careful veneer she has crafted. It’s a level of foolishness that he has not ever had to deal with before. Never even known existed, because his concept of love has never involved this kind of ‘love’.

I TOO A CARNIVOROUS LAMB. In a completely selfish turn of events, I think Michael’s relationship with Salome might be the one of the few times that they can show how successful they are. In this period of doubt and chaos, Michael keeps coming up short and having to put on a brave face. But in their dealings with Salome, they are in their element. They can feel the power he used to have as the weapon in God’s right hand when they deals with the demon. They can feel their power. And that’s probably the reason they seeks her out so often. To feel the comfort in something known. To feel useful, powerful, correct.

IN-DEPTH

Motivation. 

LIKE MOST MISERY, IT STARTED WITH APPARENT HAPPINESS. In the beginning, Michael’s sense of duty was unfailing. His motivations started and ended with following God’s word. And while his heart may have whispered softly at rebellion and betrayal in the face of an unjust God, he didn’t dare take heed to any of it. Now, he misses that easy calm that caming with knowing one's duty. He misses the simplicity of following orders. He does not wish to return to being a tool for someone else, but god was it easier.

THE PAIN, THE BEAUTY: EQUALLY ACUTE, EQUALLY TRANSFIXING. The present is a chaotic time for Michael. There is blood on their hands, doubt in their heart, and all they can do is show their kingdom a solemn face. He struggles to keep the facade of this all knowing, all understanding figure head that he just slaughtered. It’s so damn hard when the chorus of ‘did you do wrong’ almost drowns out his thoughts. Michael, in his current situation, craves a validation of his actions that very few can give them. And maybe, he craves something a little more too.

IT MEANT TO CONSUME, TO ASSIMILATE, TO BECOME GOD. What comes next for the King of Caelum? There is ambition there, that lives just under the surface. Something that has maybe always been there, setting ablaze his soul, but he has never been ready to put a name to it. He still isn’t able to name it, but the threads of it are starting to work their way around him. He knows of mortals, of their fickle natures and how they cannot be left to govern themselves. He knows of demons, of their cruelness and how they all function better when they bow their heads to one person. That person used to be God, but Michael is starting to realize how it could—no, should be him. Because Michael remembers what it was like to be adored. God showed favor to many an angel. It was clear in His doting hand and soft words. Cassiel knew it in His allowance of her beauty. Arael knew it in God’s soft sighs. But it was perhaps Michael who knew it best. There is more love in the carpertener for their hammer than in their work. More adoration in the painter's brush than in the creation they makes. Something deep and dark in Michael craves that love again. Ambition feels almost unheard of in the hierarchy he is used to, but there it is, sitting at the base of his chest. And it will likely be the death of him.

Traits. 

HEROIC. Inspiring, brave, damn good at his job

CONSTANT. Calm in the face of chaos, unwavering in all actions

UNDERSTANDING. More merciful than he should be jk unless

ARCHAIC. Stick in the mud, old fashioned, proper. A pain in the ass to deal with.

PROUD. When God put you on a pedestal for that long it’s really hard to climb down yo

CRITICAL. I mean

SAMPLE

“all gods who receive homage are cruel.

all gods dispense suffering without reason.”

HOW TO FORGE A WEAPON

FIGURE 1.

It means something to be made. To be created in the eyes of God. To become something more, something good, something holy and something full of righteousness. All because God deemed it to be so. Around him, his brethren understand this. They feel it deep within themselves, as each and every one of them is handcrafted. But Michael is different. He is not simply made, because he is a weapon.

And, by God’s own hand, Michael is forged.

FIGURE 2.

God molds him. 

That he holds on to. The one truth he knows more than anything. God makes him. He makes him a weapon. Molds him into a sword. He crafts Michael solely as a tool to do His bidding, but He makes him all the same. So Michael follows without thought. A gift to his creator. 

Because a weapon only does.

They spends days upon days in practice, in battle. Besting angel upon angel. With every win, they sees God smile, and something warms sparks into life deep in the cold of their chest. Something physical. Something hot. It sets his body ablaze, empassions him to try more, to push harder. Michael flips the sword out of the grasp of his opponent, recognizing the move coming two steps before it happens. He doesn’t have to think, he only has to do.

 He’ll put a name to this feeling eventually. Later he will learn to understand what the fire in their soul means. But for now, he just stands in awe of his Father’s smile—a smile that is only for them and theirdeeds—and the warmth that it causes. It is the start of something dangerous for, what God fails to realize, that, out of nothing but sheer carelessness, He has taught his weapon to want.

And that? It’ll be the death of Him.

FIGURE 3.

He’s younger than he cares to admit and God gives them a bird. The world is still new. Bright and green in its creation. It’s perfect, Angels sing. Michael wants to agree but the mortals have already shown the treachery of their nature. And he has already learned how to cut down those who might have lifted their hand in blasphemy.

(Eve has taken the apple, Michael sharpens their sword.)

The bird is a falcon, and Michael names her Brenley. She is built for speed and her talons feel as sharp as the sword on his hip. He thinks he loves her, this fiercely delicate creature. She is his and he, in turn, hers. They travel the world together, witness the artistry and destruction God’s newest creations unfold. Michael stands an impartial beacon, watching it all.

Theoretically they know that Brenley is a test, as all things are with God. It is Michael’s first chance to deal with death. God showing him how mortality takes and takes and there is no stopping it. 

But birds live years. So they have time. They push the thoughts of tests and traps and their own shortcomings to the back of their mind. 

Brenley does not have years. She has only five and they are desperately short in the face of a millennia. 

With thoughts of death and endings locked away, he enters the world of man, a bird by his side. The moment is like any other. Nothing different from any number of times Michael has walked among the mortals. He is still learning of how crooked their nature is and yet how soft they can be. It still makes him smile. Brenley makes a single sound, a warning Michael does not understand, so their smile does not falter. Eyes find the bird, high amidst the trees, as the sound reaches their ears. A long low whistle, and then a snap. An arrow flies through the sky. It’s rudimentary, human made, but it does it’s job. Brenley stills. 

And then? Then she falls.

Like a rock, the bird drops from the sky. Her wings tucked to her, a nearly perfect and endless fall. Except it does. End. She hits the ground with a sound, sickening and hollow. He rushes to her side, but it’s too late. 

There is no life left in her.

There is a softness in his features and wetness in his eyes when he turns to the Father. The broken body of what once was settled gently in his hands. Michael is still too new to learn how to steel their face into the mask of iron befitting of the weapon they are. They don’t even know to try. He knows at least not to beg. He’s seen angel, mortal and demon beg God time and time again. Michael has seen the answer that follows. Michael has been the answer that follows.

So instead he asks. A simple word.

“Please.”

God just smiles and shakes his head. A solemn but distinctive no. There is a scream that wretches its way through his body, but when he opens his mouth, it does not come out. But it is not for the loss, this noise that threatens to deafen him. It is for the foolishness in thinking he might change God’s mind. The stupidity in thinking he could be more than an angel formed blade. 

There is no thought, no desire in steel. Nothing but the familiar cold of the pommel and a strong sense of duty.

Michael straightens his back, rigid and iron like. He buries a bird.

It’s the first time Michael truly deals in death. It’s the first time he lets death touch him. Later, when he’s picking away at the pieces of his soul, he’ll wish he’d never let it reach that deep. Because wound tightly around his heart, death holds tight.

It may never let them go.

FIGURE 4.

He remembers every lesson he has ever learned at God’s side. The ones that were easy are sweet and simple. The ones that came hard, something darker and richer. He remembers the ones that tasted bittersweet. He remembers victory and failure. And he remembers the Father’s smile when Michael had pleased Him. There are whispers amongst his brethren. They fall silent when they approach, but they do not sit at God’s right side for nothing. He hears them, and their discontent. They think he does not understand, and maybe they are right.

But what they have failed to realize is that Michael never forgets. Not even a single moment. 

And yet, he still asks.

The girl is only three and Michael cannot find the logic behind it. There are no sins that weigh down her soul, no wrong doings she is being held to. Her parents even are good people, loyal to God. All that means nothing but it causes the sting they feel upon looking at her to vibrate deep within them. There is no reason for her death beside the abject horror of it. All Michael can see when he looks at her is a bird plummeting to the ground, wings held too close. And when she cries, he can hear the sinking thud of something so very mortal slipping between his fingers. The sound of a bird that hit the ground.

So he asks, the want burning him up from the inside.

God just smiles and shakes his head.

A solemn but distinctive no.

Something inside of Michael breaks and he does not know how to fix it. Because God did not teach him this lesson. He must learn it on his own.

FIGURE 5.

At the end, it is not himself who needs convincing but the Cherubim by his side. Some of him has known this ending and its inevitability since the moment he first craved one damning smile. Michael just wishes it would hurt Zadkiel a little less. Wishes he could have understood the crueller nature of their Father—how it’s only ever led Zadkiel to pain—so much sooner. ‘Poor Zadkiel’, he’ll think, instead of ‘poor Michael’.

(He forces his brethren to withstand the weight of his emotions as well as their own.)

“Help me finish this.” It wants to be a command, Michael is so good at commanding. But in the shadow of what is about to come, he cannot stop himself from asking. He needs Zadkiel on his side, needs him to understand this is right.

This is right.

This is for the best.

Michael must kill God.

There is one small nod, one small validation, and it soothes the frantic beating of his heart. The thing that started this journey in the first place. It does not go unnoticed to him that it is something else, someone else, that finally settles them into action. He turns from the Cherubim, Zadkiel’s job is done. The doors swing wide on his command.

He is a weapon, forged for duty without mercy, and that is how he stands before Him. The blade to His throat comes quickly. Michael knows His every move before it comes. This is his Father, this is who first held a sword against him. And Michael has never forgotten.

So God falls.

The thunder shakes the ground on which he stands. It should feel like a victory, but as he hauls in one short breath, Michael feels hollow. He mistakes it for peace.

And then he sees it, a flash of silver to follow the body of the Father. He knows the blade as Zadkiel’s just as he knows his own. Something dark and heavy settles around his heart.

Weak. He thinks, and the thought weighs heavier on his head than the crown he just won.

“half gods are worshipped in wine and flowers

real gods require blood.”

Extras 

WINGS. From afar, Michael’s wings look soft and simple. A brilliant bronze and gold to rival that of his own weapon. But as one comes closer, it is clear that their wings are much more sinister in nature. Each “feather” is in fact a small, sharp weapon. The color of bronze fades way to the real metal. Michael’s wings, like all of him, are a weapon.

FIGHTING STYLE. At his side, Michael carries a sword. It has been his favored blade since gifted to him by God. It is more rapier than broadsword, and Michael favors a more elegant form of battle. He is a dueler by nature, the finesse of the craft allows for him to show off at one of the things he is most proficient at. But at the end of the day, Michael is a being made to destroy. Backed into a corner, he has the strength and fight to hold his own.

FASHION. There is an ease and simplicity to Michael’s style. Nothing is overstated. In fact, he looks almost subdued in the face of some of his brethren. But Michael knows his strengths, and it is the understated nature of his garments that draw the eye. Because, just when you think there is nothing to see, the intricate details of some fabric or the sparkle of something crystalline and expensive will catch the eye.

TAG. MOCKBLOG

[ckret2]

“You’re so vain” “Give em hell kid” And “I hope you die” I’d love to hear those explanations

Righto! Okay so recap for the people who might have missed it, this is about the radiosnake playlist I mentioned/linked a bit over a week ago, Serpentine & Demonswing. When I posted it I also added an “and if you wanna know why any songs are on the playlist you’re free to ask.” The playlist is a work in progress so some of my answers are gonna be “so here’s the explanation for why it was included but tbh I’m not 100% on keeping it.”

Important things to mention before getting into it: the playlist is build specifically off my headcanons from “Cold Day In Hell,” and so all of the songs act on the assumption that CDIH is “canon.” (tl;dr: they’re exes, because Alastor got scared of emotional intimacy, told Sir Pent he never actually liked him, and ran off after blowing up all his airships.) The first chunk of songs is from Sir Pent’s perspective, the second chunk is from Alastor’s, the third is from them both or about them both, and the last few songs are “I like the vibe but honestly am not sure this fits the playlist.”

Also, y’all are welcome to keep asking me about songs, because this is a lot of fun.

I’m absolutely sure that tumblr is going to delete this read more out of the post but I’m going to put one anyway, maybe it’ll let this one work just to be contrary. If it doesn’t, I apologize for the dash stretcher, that’s just how tumblr do.

So! Explanations:

You’re So Vain (Lyrics)

This one is on the Sir Pentious side, so, although it’s not directly/accurately about Alastor, it is about how Sir Pent sees him in light of their catastrophic breakup.

Verse 1 is less on the nose in its description of Alastor, but you get the impression of someone who is obsessed with how he comes across to other people, and who is far more interested in himself and the image he’s giving off than he is in any of the people he’s trying to impress. A great deal of Alastor’s personality is—or at the very least, comes off as—completely performative. As though to this day he’s still nothing but a radio host performing for a listening audience, even when he’s only talking to one person. The fact that he’s always wearing a fake smile and pointedly providing his own sound effects adds to that impression of a performer who never breaks character.

And the fact that the character in the song is still wholly self-absorbed even when he’s dancing with a partner gives a nice little glimpse into how Sir Pent’s retroactively reinterpreted his last evening with Alastor.

Verse 2 is the stanza that comes closest to completely accurately reflecting what went down between them. First, the alliance between them, the implicit promises that they the were going to conquer Hell and then Heaven as partners in crime—“Well, you said that we made such a pretty pair / And that you would never leave”—and then, the breakup—“But you gave away the things you loved / And one of them was me.” It’s the one line that acknowledges that the character in the song did, indeed, actually love the singer, and wasn’t just performing a role/playing at being in love.

It’s also a line that would ring false to Sir Pentious, because in the aftermath of CDIH, he genuinely doesn’t believe that Alastor ever loved him. He completely buys Alastor’s claim that he was just screwing around with Sir Pent’s emotions for his own entertainment. Words to the effect of “one of [the things you loved] was me” would never come out of Sir Pent’s mouth.

However. Of all the lines in all of the songs in Sir Pent’s portion of the playlist, that one line is the most accurate thing that could be said about Alastor, the blade that would stab into the core of who he is and the role that he played in this story. Because of his vanity—his selfishness, his pride, his obsession with his own independence, his fear of love, his fear of vulnerability, his fear of sharing his life with someone else, etc.—he didn’t just lose what he loved, he did very deliberately and intentionally give it away.

(I’ve always found that line to be the most interesting in the song, for the hint that this vain person did indeed truly feel for someone else, so I’m glad that line fits so well here.)

Verse 3 is just more “what Alastor is like as observed by Sir Pent,” except even more accurately than the first stanza. Constantly running around, constantly moving on from one brief source of entertainment to another (just stuff “threw his support behind the Happy Hotel” somewhere between “gambled on a horse race” and “watched an eclipse”), constantly socializing with dangerous people and people whom he’s going to hurt without caring in the slightest.

Okay so that’s the lyrics.

Making sure the aesthetics/styles/genres of the songs match the character they’re for is one of my high priorities on this fanmix—not to the extent that having the wrong style is an instant dealbreaker, but I’m going to be hesitant to include a song that doesn’t at all match the sound I’m going for. For Sir Pentious, I’m kind of running with two styles.

The first style is “sounds Victorian-ish enough to get a shrug and a nod from anybody who doesn’t actually know/care about Victorian-era music,” so that’s gonna be just about anything orchestral/symphonic that doesn’t clearly fall into a different genre, symphonic metal that sounds symphonic enough to satisfy me, instrumental covers of other songs (string quartets, piano, full orchestra...), things with harpsichords (LISTEN i know that harpsichords are more baroque but they’ve got the right Vibe, you know, they’ve got the Feeling), and things with organ—but like, it’s gotta sound like pipe organ (pipe organ—sounds like a church) and not like Hammond organ (Hammond organ—sounds like a baseball game). Also steampunk, except a lot of “steampunk” genre music sounds swingy/jazzy, so those songs get ruled out because that’s Alastor’s aesthetic. And also, like, actual classical music, but I’m not into a lot of actual classical music, so I don’t think any’s actually made it in yet, lmao.

The second style is based on what the creator herself said about Sir Pent’s music preferences: “Sir Pentious would listen to Blink-182. Pentious would literally listen to stuff like Linkin Park, Green Day, the emo stuff.” So I took "the emo stuff” as “oh okay cool so the stuff I listened to at 15 got it” and ran wild with that. I’ve been most heavily drawing from My Chemical Romance, Panic! At The Disco, and Mindless Self Indulgence to represent that half of Sir Pent’s preferences. (MSI because I feel like that fits an in-your-face and morally jaded villain, P!ATD because their newer stuff fits his flamboyance and exuberance and egotism, and MCR because... because I know them best.) I haven’t yet made much time to carefully comb the discographies of the other bands listed or look into other more traditional emo-associated acts.

Carly Simon’s original “You’re So Vain” matches neither of these styles.

I combed through about 60 different versions of “You’re So Vain” on Spotify looking for ones that meet one of these aesthetics. Like 90% of them were, I’m pretty sure, just various singers adding their vocals directly over a karaoke version of Carly Simon’s original.

In the end, the only one that came close was Marilyn Manson’s cover. He’s a bit outside of the bounds I try to stick in for Sir Pent, but like, okay, he’s industrial metal, but in a particularly goth way, that’s close enough to emo. To my mind, “Sir Pent listens to emo” is like... Sir Pentious’s musical preferences are going to be, 1) counterculture, the kind of stuff that causes conservative Christian moms to go into moral panics, but also 2) mainstream counterculture, the kind of bands that produce huge hits & get featured in major blockbuster movies, but also also 3) slightly dated mainstream counterculture, i.e., at the end of the 2010s he’s listening to the bands that may still be popular but that peaked in the mid 2000s, in keeping with the way he’s trying to keep hip and modern but always seems a little bit behind.

So, in the 2010s, he’s listening to 2000s emo acts. In the 2000s, he was listening to the 1990s’ biggest metal acts (like Marilyn Manson) and possibly grunge acts (things like Nirvana, Smashing Pumpkins). In the 1990s, he was listening to the 1980s’ biggest post-punk and new wave acts (like The Cure, Joy Division/New Order, Depeche Mode). Always evolving his stylistic preferences, always trying to keep up, but always a little behind. So that’s how I justify putting Marilyn Manson in lmao.

Although that was the only version of “You’re So Vain” I thought fit well enough, I also found a version by Trash Pour 4, a version by Les Reed Orchestra, and a version by Giant Sand that were all very good. Trash Pour 4 is driving me crazy because I can’t quite figure out what genre they are, I just can’t place them—but they’ve got several other good covers that I’d like to take advantage of at some point.

I also found a song called “You’re So Vain (Christian Dior)” by The Energy Commission that’s not a cover of Carly Simon’s song, just a new song with the same name. I’m lowkey considering including on Alastor’s side of the playlist. It’d serve as a very sharp critique of how image obsessed Sir Pent is, there’s some snappy turns of phrase that seem like they’d appeal to Alastor’s sense of humor (my two favorites are “He went off the deep end ‘cause he’s so shallow” and “He’s got a timepiece on his wrist and it says ‘watch me’”), the fact that it’s a critique specifically of high class materialism fits with the fact that I headcanon Sir Pent as coming from British nobility while Alastor’s ancestry is both racially and socially mixed (including at least one close relative who was a slave, I’m thinking a grandparent but haven’t settled on my headcanons yet), and I love when there are parallels like that in playlists about the relationship between lovers/partners/rivals/siblings/any-combo-of-two-people.

The reason I haven’t added it yet is because, by the end of the song, it’s not just a critique of being a rich shallow image-obsessed douche, but specifically of how that culture ties in to exploitative capitalism that’s wrecking human lives and the world—which, in the context of the characters we’re talking about here, would translate into a criticism of Sir Pentious’s very-imperialist-sounding take-over-the-world villain ambitions. Which isn’t something I think Alastor cares about. He probably should, but like, he just doesn’t. He’s a villain himself. I’m sure he’s got his own morals and standards and hard limits but “take over the world” isn’t on his list of dealbreakers. What’s taking over the world include? Mass murder and subjugation? Yeah, he’s cool with that. So that’s why I’m still on the fence about adding it.

Give ‘Em Hell, Kid (Lyrics)

So remember how I said that My Chemical Romance is one of the bands I’ve drawn from most heavily so far in looking for emo Sir Pent songs? Yeah for about a day there were six different MCR songs sitting in Serpentine & Demonswing as I slowly whittled them down to the ones that I thought fit best. “Give ‘Em Hell, Kid” is one of the last three, and actually one that I’m constantly on the verge of cutting.

Lyrically, it’s an Alastor song. There’s mentions of the singer having come from New Orleans (listen... i am a sucker for songs that mention New Orleans, it automatically earns five points on the imaginary “is this an Alastor song?” rubric in my head). The singer is singing about a love interest who’s gone, and he’s making no moves to pursue/reclaim the love interest, wishing them well (“So go on, live your life”), but he’s a wreck and a lesser person without them (“If you were here, I'd never have a fear,” “Well I'm a total wreck and almost every day”), and it’s just getting worse with time, not better (“But I miss you more than I did yesterday”).

The line “Some might say we are made from the sharpest things you say” although directed toward “you,” i.e. the love interest, i.e. Sir Pentious, in my head actually reflects more on the things Alastor said to Sir Pentious: the cruel things he said to Pent—that he’s weak, ineffective, behind the times, a has-been, never going to conquer hell—ended up a self-fulfilling prophecy, because that’s exactly what Alastor’s rampage made happen. Today, as he is now, Sir Pentious is made from the sharpest things Alastor said.

“Your dreams and your hopeless hair” makes me think of Sir Pent’s wild efforts to conquer hell (and, of course, his ridiculous cobra hood), and “We never wanted it to be this way for all our lives” is a perfect expression of Alastor’s regrets/remorse over what his actions have done to both of their lives, but especially to Sir Pent’s life.

And all the references to violence—murder scenes, firing squads, sharpest things—fit with the fact that both of them chose to live lives soaked in blood.

So it’s a perfect Alastor song. The only problem is, it’s an MCR song, which is sooo far outside of my acceptable genres for him. (I’m not gonna get into Alastor’s genres now bc there are better songs to do that on, just know emo ain’t it.) And not only is it outside of his acceptable genres, it’s in the OTHER character’s acceptable genres, which is very messy. I can vibe with “lovers’ songs borrowing from each other’s aesthetic” a LITTLE bit when it’s used to represent, like, emotional synchronicity or the like (ex: both “Roustabout” and Vernian Process’s “Maple Leaf Rag” are on my “Alastor+Sir Pent style fusion songs” list). But MCR is a big departure from Alastor’s acceptable styles.

Plus, the playlist already has two MCR songs, and do I really need three songs from the same band? Unless there’s a really good reason, I try to avoid having repeats from the same band on one playlist—I feel like a good well-rounded fanmix oughta have a diversity of sources. (With “a really good reason” being something like “I’ve got the playlist divided into five sections detailing five phases of the character’s life and each section is introduced with a different track from the same band” or “I’ve got an instrumental version of the song to kick off the playlist to serve as ‘foreshadowing’ for when the version with lyrics shows up at the most dramatic moment” or something like that.)

If I was going to, like, make it a thing, I could. Justify it like “there’s one MCR song that represents them when they’re together, one MCR song from Sir Pent’s perspective, and one MCR song from Alastor’s perspective, like a little triangle,” but like... if I was going to do that I feel like I’d want to do it with a style that’s either representative of both of them or else independent of both of them, and MCR is so heavily a Sir Pent sound. Basically, having three songs from one band would be okay if it was a band that vibes with the overall tone I’m shooting for in the playlist—but it’s not. So I’m very torn on “Give ‘Em Hell, Kid.”

“El Tango De Roxanne” + “Overture” + “I Hope You Die”

Okay before I can talk about “I Hope You Die” by itself, I kind of have to explain its exact position in the playlist and its relationship with the other two songs I just listed.

While MOST of the playlist is chunked up into the four sections I mentioned earlier (Sir Pent, Alastor, both, undecided), within those sections the songs aren’t really in any particular order. The one exception is the very first three songs on the playlist/the very first three songs in Sir Pent’s section.

These three songs, presented in that order, all as Sir Pent songs, serve as Sir “in war, the side remembered is the side with the most style” Pentious the Super Villain making his big entrance like:

“El Tango De Roxanne” starts slow/quiet, and then (with a couple of brief dips) it gradually builds in volume and pain and intensity, getting faster and more emphatic, switching from mournful longing to nearly-angry anguish, until it ends with a pained scream, steampunkish percussion, howling background singers, and a wailing violin.

And then it pauses, for just a moment.

And then “Overture” hammers you with the most dramatic opening chord you will ever hear on an organ in your life, perfectly matching the energy at the end of “El Tango De Roxanne” and maintaining that level of energy throughout the song.

And then it stops so quickly it’s like someone gasped, holding its breath for a split second—and then some dude yells “You must die! I alone am best!” and the guitars kick in for “I Hope You Die,” leading into a depiction of the most intense, vitriolic, disgusting sort of loathing imaginable.

The build-up from “El Tango De Roxanne” and “Overture” really revs up “I Hope You Die,” the intensity of the organ in “Overture” highlights the intensity of the guitar in “I Hope You Die,” and all together it hypes up what could have been just a dark humor song about hating someone into something that sounds like a very genuine demonstration of hatred.

And taken all together, it makes for a fantastic intro for Sir Pent.

It also serves as a perfect intro to the current state of affairs between him and Alastor—sort of expressing his personal emotional journey on the morning Alastor betrayed him, as his reaction transforms over the course of three songs from grief/despair to fathomless fury.

There’s more I could say individually about “El Tango De Roxanne” and “Overture,” but I won’t, because it’s “I Hope You Die” time.

“I Hope You Die” (Lyrics - warning for a whole stanza dedicated to hoping someone gets raped in prison)

A small handful of the songs in my Hazbin playlists were discovered in and added from existing Hazbin character playlists I found on Spotify before I started making my own. “I Hope You Die” was one of them, found here. Which is why it was added even though it doesn’t fit my strict genre standards, it won me over before I narrowed down the styles I’m working with lmao.

(I feel like “El Tango De Roxanne” was one of those too, but I can’t now find a Spotify playlist containing it that added it before I did. Where did I grab it from? It’s not something I would’ve looked up on my own, something must have inspired me. IDK what though. None of the other songs mentioned in this post were found on other playlists.)

So this song is, obviously, just about how much some dude hates somebody else and wants extremely horrible things to happen to them. It’s sorta... *eyes lyrics uneasily* ... sorta tasteless; but, tasteless in a way that I feel like reflects back on the character singing the song. The feeling I come away from after finishing the song isn’t “the band wants you to think the person they’re singing about deserves this to happen to them,” because it doesn’t even give a reason why the singer hopes this person suffers; but rather, “the band wants you to think that this is the kind of hatred that the character/persona the singer is portraying is capable of, this is the kind of vile stuff that character wants to see done to their enemies, this is representative of the depths of that character’s rage.” Which is why I’m like “yeah... okay, sure, that fits” even though I’m real iffy about the last couple stanzas.

Because for a character who’s in Hell surrounded by people who have stomped on the last dredges of their civility and decency, and a character who’s patterned after a super villain (and, because the series creator dropped the idea that there are heroes/villains in the living world, the only super villain in this setting), and a character who gleefully boasts about being evil, and a character who we know demonstrates very rapid/extreme emotions and expressions of hate/outrage... Yes, I can absolutely see this song as the exact sort of hatred Sir Pentious would level at somebody who’s slighted him. And Alastor blew way the hell past “slighting” him. Alastor, without exaggeration, has ruined his life (afterlife?) and over fifty years later Sir Pent is still unsuccessfully struggling to get back up to the level he was at before he even met Alastor. Right now, Sir Pentious really and truly and deeply despises Alastor.

A song like this—sheer, frothing, unrestrained, vengeful contempt—tells you a whole lot about what kind of emotions Sir Pentious is capable; and it tells you a whole lot about the kind of effect Alastor’s actions have had on him, to inspire this level of reaction from someone who was very close to him for fifteen years and increasingly in love with him for probably a good amount of that time.

Plus, the “You must die! I alone am best!” is such a very, very Sir Pentious sentiment.

So that’s those songs! Again, y’all are free to ask me for my thoughts on more. Yes, most of them will probably be like this, lol.

[jennifersylvesters]

not so subtle - part ten

Pairing: Harrison Osterfield x reader Word Count: 4.3k~ Warning: swearing A/N: welp, it’s here. we in the endgame double digits now folks. just as a heads up, “not so subtle” will be taking a semi-hiatus. basically this means i'm putting it on the back burner due a couple reasons. one: i’d really like to complete “ring ring” or “how to trick someone into loving you” because they have less parts. two: i was looking over my original outline and it’s not as strong of a conclusion as i wanted it to be. with that said, hope you enjoy this part. it’d be cool if y’all gave feedback, but no pressure

Now that you were aware of your feelings for Harrison, things sucked.

You desperately wanted to avoid him, but it wasn’t like those times that you ignored him due to your fervent hatred. In fact now it was the total opposite. You couldn’t look at him for more than a couple seconds before turning into a flustered mess. Who is this bitch, and why is she acting like a pining, lovesick idiot? It was disgusting how head over heels you were.

If you weren’t looking at Harrison, you were thinking about him. Your mind became consumed with images of the boy - the way he laughed, the way his nose crinkled, those flecks of deeper blue in his eyes that only shone when the light hit just right. Even the way he stretched showing just a slight bit of skin had a hold on you. Stupid brain.

You kept trying to reason with yourself, pointing out all his flaws. Yet for every flaw you were reminded of the softer, caring side he displayed only towards you. God, you were such a goner.

Yet you knew Harrison didn’t feel the same way. And why should he? You gave him time and time again reasons not to date you. Meanwhile there were other more glamorous girls that he could surround himself with. Remembering that made things suck more. All you wanted was for him to feel the same way. Was that too much to ask for?

Apparently. Ha ha ha. You truly played yourself.

Just suppress your feelings. That’s what you reminded yourself daily. You could totally play it cool and casual like he wasn’t destined to break your heart. Just avoid social media. And going out. And him in general. It wasn’t that difficult.

Except it absolutely fucking was. After Valentine’s Day, Harrison visited your campus frequently. He claimed he was bored and the campus offered good research material for any college roles.

You could put on your best scowl and tell him to leave you alone but he paid no mind. The nature of your relationship had become lighthearted without you even realizing. No matter the threats you threw his way, he simply shook them off.

Whenever you studied, Harrison sat next to you in the library or cafe. While you flipped through notes and textbooks, he played on his phone or read through scripts.”Don’t you have somewhere else to be?” you snarked, hoping your aggressive nature would prompt him to leave.

“Nowhere I’d rather be than here” he hummed. You thanked whatever higher being was out there that Harrison never glanced up to see your beet red face.

His bolder, familiar moments had you sweating bullets. Sometimes he hovered over your shoulder, his breath fanning your neck as he asked what you were working on. Other times he doodled in the margins of your notes while you were still writing.

“Osterfield, what are you doing?” you’d ask nervously seeing how dangerously close his hand was to yours.

He’d hum in response, engrossed in his drawing. “Just doodling” he would answer as your heart pounded out of your chest when his hands finally bumped yours.

“Is this alright?” Was it alright that he got you hot and bothered with a simple touch? Absolutely not. Was it alright for him to be drawing? Also not really. The whole point of writing notes was to focus on important details. Now all you did was goofily smile at the drawings on the sides of the pages.

But as soon as he looked up at you, all you could do was nod. One nod and his beautiful smile would come out; it took all your effort not to fall apart. You both longed for yet hated these moments. He had you wrapped around his finger, and the two of you weren’t even remotely close to dating.

There were flickers of potential where you thought he might see you differently, that he might actually like you. It was the way he brought snacks to share, always bringing your favorite treats and letting pick out your favorite flavors. They were the times he grabbed your bag when it was heavy, hoisting over his shoulder and walking you back home without complaint. Well, mild complaints. It was Harrison after all. Then there were those moments where he bumped shoulders with you only to gently tap his fingers on your arm. Three light taps as if to say “sorry about that”. It was a secret language that only you two shared.

Yet this was Harrison.Every time you felt so much of an inch of possibly being together, your hopes were instantly dashed. You wanted to have this blindly optimistic faith that he was falling for you like you fell for him. But wearing rose-colored glasses wasn’t something you could easily do when you saw the way he was around other girls.

Whenever you studied, you noticed girls slipping him their number and flirtatiously waving. He would flash them a grin and pocket their numbers with ease. His casual nature about these flirtations made you unsure if he could ever commit to a single person. Could he commit to you? Better yet, would he commit to you?

You told yourself you didn’t even deserve to be jealous. It’s not like you were dating him much less putting yourself out there. Even so, it stung to see girls fawning over him in your presence.

You tried to put distance, thinking if you inched away he would leave you be. Your chair grated against the floor as you shuffled away. Take the hint, Osterfield.

Unfortunately he didn’t understand that social cue. Instead he scooched his chair closer to yours. “Stop being jealous, Lil Skunk” he teased not knowing how his words meant more than he could ever realize.

“I’m not jealous” you hissed trying to focus on your work. A post-it note floated onto your notes reading: “if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably jealous ;)”.

“You’re such an idiot” you laughed quietly tossing the note back at him and he grinned.

“But you probably think it’s attractive, don’t you?” God, how you wished he was wrong.

With midterms approaching you hoped he would let you to study in peace. Of course Osterfield thought it was a better to do the opposite. Even when you insisted for him to leave you alone, there he was right by your side. Sometimes he left snacks or post-its saying “don’t fail, lil skunk” with an ugly drawing of a skunk frowning. It was so adorable you wondered if you should frame it. No, you idiot. Don’t be a creep.  

After all the late night studying and energy drink jitters, you managed to submit your papers on time. The tests were hell, but somehow you pulled through. You let out a tired sigh of relief as you tossed in your last test and headed back home.

Bursting through your apartment door, you saw Kimberly sitting upside down on the couch. She held a carton of strawberry ice cream in her hands while a spoon stuck out of her mouth. You grinned at the sight of your normally put together roommate looking slightly disheveled. Kimberly only got this way when she finished exams.

“I’m done with hell week!” you announced as you bounced down next to her. Pulling the spoon out of her mouth, she scooped up ice cream and held it towards you. Not one to deny yourself a sweet treat, you happily obliged taking the bite.

The two of you lazed around for a bit longer before she nudged you.

“Bar time?” she asked.

You nodded. “Bar time.”

It became a group tradition to celebrate finishing exams by going to your favorite bar. Despite being exhausted, you looked forward to this night knowing some of your friends partied harder than usual. You weren’t even sure why that was, but with how hilarious things got you didn’t question it. Nothing could ever top Sarah’s drunken serenade before she toppled down the stairs at a bar, but perhaps tonight someone else would claim the shame spot.

A couple hours later you headed out with friends towards the bar. No surprise the place was packed when you arrived. A good chunk of the patrons were students, everyone congratulatory drinking after the stress of finals. And why not? No more finals meant no longer worrying about late night cramming and napping in strange locations to get just an ounce of sleep.

Your friends managed to snag a small booth as you all crammed inside before ordering drinks. Everyone was in good spirits discussing their plans for spring break. While everyone excitedly talked about where they were visiting, you kept quiet. You planned on heading to the Bahamas with Emma but knew Tom and Harrison would probably accompany you. The idea of Harrison wandering around shirtless on a constant basis had you overwhelmed just thinking about it. Those abs. Oof.

About an hour later Tom and Emma shuffled through the crowd towards your group. Despite the ruckus, you could hear Emma worrying about her results.

“Babe, I think I failed. Oh, God. What if I failed?” Emma groaned as she gripped Tom’s sleeve.

“Nothing you can do about that now, darling” he shrugged before regretting his words. Your best friend let out a loud wail causing Tom to quickly apologize. “I’m sure you passed with flying colors! You’re so smart, babe!” he encouraged as the rest of you roared with laughter.

With Sarah preoccupied in a conversation, Kimberly nudged you to accompany her to the bar. The place was packed as the two of you pushed through the crowd. “Are you having fun?” your roommate asked as she waited for a bartender to take her order. You shrugged nonchalantly.

While everyone else was getting drunk, you slowly worked on a cranberry vodka. Sure, finals had been stressful but you wanted to relax. Downing shots was not what you had in mind. Surprisingly enough it was comforting being around this hectic noise. Hearing your friends laughing about trivial things felt oddly comforting, but there was only one voice you wanted to really hear.

That’s when you noticed Harrison across the bar. Ever since you realized your feelings, you found it easy to spot him in a crowd. You gravitated towards his presence. A part of you wanted to call out to him and wave him over. Despite his friendliness the past weeks, the idea that he would ignore your gesture worried you. Maybe his friendliness was a long con for playing a prank. Elaborate but not outside the realm of possibility. But the internal struggle vanished when you realized he wasn’t alone.  

Next to Harrison stood a blonde girl clearly interested in the Brit. You swallowed hard watching him smile at her as she gave all the signs of flirting. She leaned in whispering something in his ear. Her hand gently grazed along his arm. The way she bit down on her lip and pushed her chest out made it clear she wasn’t looking to just be friends.But it was her giggling and him breaking into laughter that struck the final blow because whatever she was selling, Harrison was definitely interested in.

It was reality slapping you across the face that you weren’t going to be that girl. You couldn’t simply flutter your lashes. You sure as hell couldn’t press up against him with the intention of expecting something more. How could you act cool around someone who flustered you without even trying? There was no way you could just act like a completely different person. He was Lil Shit and you were Lil Skunk. And that sinking feeling was a reminder that things would never change.

Gripping your drink, you chugged it before slamming it down on the bar. Kimberly watched with surprise as you ordered another. As the glass slid in your direction, you immediately pounded it down. The alcohol heated your stomach as you quickly gulped before making a face.

“Y/N-” Kimberly started as you called the bartender over once more. “Are you-?” You ignored her concern as you ordered a pint of beer. When he asked your preference, you shrugged and told him to take his pick. It didn’t matter anyways. You just wanted something to loosen you up, help forget reality even if only for a couple hours.

Half of your pint glass was drained by the time you finally acknowledged your roommate again. “Y/N, are you okay?” Kimberly asked as she eyed your drink.

“I’m fine” you grunted. “I’m great actually. I’m having fun.” If you said it enough, maybe it would actually become real. That it wouldn’t hurt to glance Harrison’s way. That you wouldn’t let this misery wash over you. That wouldn’t let fate remind you how would never have him. Tears that stung in your eyes wouldn’t slip out. You refused to let them. Absolutely no way you were bawling over Harrison in a bar. You had more class than that.  

You knew that if you wanted to get drunk - plastered even - you needed a certain amount of stealth around her. Kimberly was the voice of reason you wanted to simply flick away and ignore. As much as you loved her, you just wanted to drink to forget the pain. Was that such a crime?

So once you finished your pint, you left it on the bar and joined your friends. It was easy enough to convince them to buy you a couple drinks, using the excuse of you needing one after all those finals.

You found yourself slipping into a haze, sounds becoming slightly louder and certain thoughts sounding funnier than they ever did. Whoomp - there it was: you were certifiably drunk and way above your tolerance levels.

No one seemed to notice, not even Kimberly who was too preoccupied with her girlfriend. As you swayed to the bar’s music along with Emma, you kept telling yourself that you were fine. You were having fun.

“Hey I’m gonna head out.” Your ears perked up at the sound. Did that voice know how much you liked it? You would listen to it recite a takeout menu if given the opportunity.

Turning you saw Harrison clap his hand on Tom’s shoulder. Harrison whispered something into Tom’s ear causing his best friend to glance around before turning a shade of pink. Something inside you flared up. Was he heading off with the blonde girl? Of course he would. He looked cozy with her that you imagined he jumped at the chance to take her home.The assumption that Harrison was leaving with her left you seething.

You weren’t in your right mind as you burst into laughter causing both boys to look in your direction.

“‘Course you are” you slurred out. Harrison gave you a strange look as you blurted your immediate thoughts. “‘Course good ol’ Osterfield is getting laid tonight. Wouldn’t expect anything less!” Holding the cup in Emma’s hand steady, you took a long sip as she laughed at your antics. Both of you howled with laughter unaware of Harrison looking visibly hurt by your words.

“She’s just drunk” Tom tried to justify your actions, helping steady you as you toppled slightly.

“Yeah, drunk as a skunk” you snorted. “Ain’t that fitting for your little nickname for me.” You laughed dryly, knowing there was nothing funny about the moment.

Like a woman possessed, you grabbed Tom’s beer bottle and began chugging it. Tom’s eyes widened and shot a glance over at Harrison who just stared at you. Tom tried taking prying it away but your grip was tight. He could take the damn thing once you finished.

“Y/N, c’mon” Tom groaned. Once you finished, you put it on the table and let out a loud cheer. Emma and the rest of your drunken friends whooped along.

“I’m having fun, Tom. Why don’t you get with the program?” you sneered as you stumbled back, Harrison helping to keep you upright. You heard that voice you love so much murmur your name, urging you to stop but you simply shook your head.

“Go big or go home, bitches!” you roared out as you threw your hands in the air. Another round of cheers rang through the bar again.

For the rest of the night, you became a certified hot mess. You drunkenly sang along with the jukebox, shimmying to whatever tunes blasted through the speakers. You attempted to climb on tables, getting handsy with whoever tried to help you down.

You didn’t even notice how Harrison stuck by your side the rest of the night. Whenever you stumbled, he steadied you from falling over. Any guy that looked even remotely interested in you was shot a nasty glare.

He was practically babysitting you despite Tom’s insistence that he could take care of you and Emma. Harrison roughly shook his head watching you publicly embarrass yourself without a care in the world.

As the bar began closing, he slid his arm around your waist to keep you upright. You whined about wanting to keep the party going. The others tiredly cheered for that idea though the enthusiasm was wavering. If anything, the group just wanted to crash at someone’s place.

“As long as you guys don’t throw up on my floors, you guys can come over” Kimberly suggested earning a couple whoops.

You don’t remember when but you found your eyes getting heavy. You wanted nothing more than to pass out despite your earlier declaration of being able to party till the sun rose.

“‘m tired” you mumbled.

“Almost there, love.” You sighed leaning into his side before sleep washed over you. “I got you.”

The next morning your head pounded causing you to lowly groan. You slowly blinked awake with heavy lidded eyes. What time was it? The clock on your cell phone read ten thirty, and you grimaced at the bright backdrop from the phone.

Stumbling to the bathroom, the feeling that you were about to throw up kicked in. Oh no. You hurried into the bathroom quickly kneeling before vomiting. Gross. Despite the nasty sight of bile floating in the toilet, you felt slightly better.  

Taking a swig of water from the sink, you gargled and spit out the taste of the lingering vomit. It was a heavy reminder of your idiocy from the previous night. You brushed your teeth vigorously and gargled mouthwash hoping you weren’t the hottest mess of the night. Maybe Sarah did something worse than you?

Shuffling back to your room you heard voices arguing in the living room. Your head throbbed and you wondered who the hell was arguing this early. Everyone last night seemed to be on good spirits. Did someone throw up on the floor? Or worse - on another person? That would be a bitch to clean up. Except you realized the voices were two people who rarely argued.

“-would just tell her!” Tom yelled as you neared the living room.

“Just butt out!” Harrison shouted. The floor creaked as you entered the space prompting the conversation to come to a halt. Tom and Harrison glared at one another before Tom finally looked your direction. His face softened slightly, his mouth beginning to part.  

“Fuckin’ leave it alone, Tom” Harrison scowled. Tom swiveled back to him and glared. The mental showdown left you concerned, but you weren’t even sure how to ask what was happening.

Harrison turned away first muttered something under his breath. Jamming on his shoes, he shook his head and left slamming the door on the way out. You couldn’t help but jolt at the brusque action.

“What’s going on?” you asked. Silence. Everyone turned away from your glance besides Kimberly who shot you a helpless smile. Clearly they couldn’t speak about the matter. At least not in front of you.

“He’s...He’s coming back, right? He’s just grabbing something from his car?” Once again you were greeted with silence. Finally Emma looked up and shook her head.

You blinked at her response. Was this your fault again? Had you messed up everything last night to the point where he couldn’t stand your presence? You swallowed thickly at the thought. You hadn’t meant to upset Harrison that much, but you didn’t think that warranted him leaving. If you upset him, shouldn’t he have told you instead of rushing out like that? No, you weren’t going to let him go without an explanation.

Without waiting you slipped on sneakers and rushed after Harrison.

The rain heavily thundered outside and crashed down onto you. You pushed your hair out of your face as you spotted him pacing back and forth on the pavement. He was already soaked but he was too lost in his thoughts. You called out his surname which prompted him to walk away.

“Harrison” you called out, scampering behind the Brit who stormed ahead. “Harrison, wait!”

He turned around looking you dead in the eye.  “You realize this is the first time you’ve said my actual name, right?”  The statement caught you by surprise.

“I-I’ve said your name before” you stammered, but he shook his head.

“No, you’ve always called me by my last name, Y/N. Or Lil Shit.” He smiled at this, like the times you meant to be malicious were nothing more than the use of a tender nickname. “But you’ve never called me by name. Not since we first met. And...those times.”

He didn’t have to finish his thought for you to understand his reference. What happens in Vegas doesn’t always stay in Vegas, does it? Not when it came to your feelings. Your face heated up at the reminder of what occurred that night. But was he telling the truth?

You tried to recall when you last called him by his first name but none came to mind. It was as if your anger always got the best of you. You relegated him to being only a friend of a friend, nothing more nothing less. You never wanted to grant him that intimacy in your relationship. Not until recently.

Oh.

So he was right. Despite your fiery temper, your actions had always been cold as ice.

“Did it really mean nothing to you?” His question pulled you out of your thoughts.

“What?”

“That night in Vegas. Did it really mean nothing?” Fuck.

Obviously it meant something. You told yourself at the time that it was simply a fling but at what point had you realized you were lying to yourself? You chose Harrison purposely that night. You wouldn’t have kissed him so forcefully if it meant nothing. You wouldn’t have allowed that intimacy between the two of you if it meant nothing.

Because in truth he meant everything to you. All these complicated emotions, all these confusing moments, everything. They meant everything to you, and it was why you panicked that night. Because you were so terrified that it could have meant nothing to him. The idea that he wasn’t all in when you would throw everything on the line scared you. Even now this vulnerability frightened you.

“You’ve never shown commitment to anyone, Osterfield. Why would I be any different?” He cringed when you called him by his surname but fell to pieces with your question.

“You’ve always been different, Y/N! Always!” He sounded so exasperated, desperately wanting you to understand his truth. Harrison turned around shaking his head wishing he could have you understand the gravity of his emotions.

“Then why all the other girls, Osterfield? You can’t just tell me that and then pretend those other girls don’t exist. I saw-”

“Because none of them really exist to me! Not the way you do!”

He turned around, his face straining as he let out a groan.

“W-what-” It was all you could muster, caught off guard by his admission.

“How do you not get it?!” With a pained look he ran his fingers through his damp hair.

“Don’t yell at me!” And there it was again. That spitfire part of you that didn’t know how to reign in your anger. That part of you that was afraid to be serious with him.You knew this temper of yours would ruin everything yet you let it get its way.

“I’m not yelling!”

“Yes, you are!”

“No, I’m not!”

“Yes, you clearly are!”

“No, I’m- you know what? Just forget it. Forget I said-Just forget it!” he scowled as he began walking away.

A split second later he stopped with his frame shaking. He turned on his heels heading back towards you. Your heart pounded, afraid he finally snapped after dealing with your frustrating attitude for so long.

Taking his last step he was only inches away. As you were about to question him, his mouth crashed onto yours. There was desperation in the kiss, a sort of hunger to it. He cupped your face firmly but tenderly, like he didn’t want to let go but felt how fragile you were. And you almost forgot how to breathe.

Harrison gently pulled away, hands still on your face. He studied your expression, trying to get a read on you. “Harrison-” you murmured and his eyes gently shut.

Despite the cold rain pouring down on the two of you, he looked enveloped in warmth just hearing you call his name. “I like hearing that the best” he whispered.

Shakily, you brought a hand up to touch his face. He leaned into your palm, comforted by your touch. He opened his eyes and smiled tiredly at you. Harrison dropped his hands from your face, taking your hand from his own cheek. His lips brushed gently across each finger, causing you to shiver.

“I’m always thankful for you. I don’t know why you don’t get it. You’re so goddamn special. You’re on a different wavelength than anyone else, Y/N.” And with that, he let go of your hand and headed off.

tags list: @sleepybesson, @sophiatomlinson23, @supernatural-girl97, @tomhaz | @almostrosadiazz, @alt-ernativewonderland, @blackstarryroses, @bringmethehorizonandpizza, @butithasntkilledyouyet, @chims-kookies, @choke-me-sweet-pea, @deleteidentity, @divosterfields, @highladyjel, @hollandhearts, @jessiq31, @kateelyse96-blog, @kayla-m1996, @lovelytrashure, @mylifesucksbuthereiam, @otheenglishsetters, @sadnoelle, @sarcasticvodka, @sleepwalkingdragon, @soccerstud004, @spider-mendes, @thefallenbibliophilequote, @wolvesofthewinter

[seenashwrite]

Cards Against Supernatural: Sunday March 3rd

◄ SUNDAY MARCH 3rd, 7:00/7:15 P.M.-ish* CST ►

(* As always, this is not precisely when the game starts - we take a little time for everybody to get logged in & settled in chat, so feel free to come & hang out at Discord while you wait!)

If you see this? You’re invited. ALL SPN Family members who are at least 18 years & older are welcome!

💡 IF THIS WILL BE YOUR FIRST GAME WITH US, YOU NEED TO MAKE SURE IT’S GONNA BE YOUR JAM & VISIT CASPN HEADQUARTERS 💡

—> This is a mobile-friendly page and contains tons of need-to-knows —> This is NON-NEGOTIABLE FOR NEW PLAYERS

🌟 Post with link will go up closer to start of game 🌟

—> Make sure you are ready to go at Discord prior to game time so all you have to do is click-n’-chat! —> At the game site and on Discord (if you do not already have one), make sure you use your Tumblr name or a variation thereof so we know who you are - this prevents unnecessary confusion. 😁

🃏 Find out ways you can contribute to the decks, the most recent CASPN updates, quick tips for players, & how to join the tag list below 🃏

YOU CAN HELP MAKE THIS GAME BETTER!

Anytime you spot a great quote - and it will probably be on a gif! - that you think may work as a question/answer, shoot it my way and I’ll see if I can work it in.

Please include the season & episode number so I know which deck to put it in. FYI: We do not need any from seasons 3, 5, or 6 - those decks are complete or near completion.

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UPDATES

On Dramatic Fic Readings…

If you’re a vet, you know we’ve been having a blast with these, closing out our games with a dramatic reading of a Fic Wreck by yours truly.

For our purposes, to be a Fic Wreck Dramatic Reading candidate, it means:

Features a heinously out-of-character Dean and/or Sam –> this is the core characteristic & is non-negotiable

No smut/kinks/Wincest/ABO –> this is non-negotiable

In the 500-800 word range or less (so, a Drabble or modest One-Shot - we’ve made exception for truly horrid things in the 1K range, as well are series that we’ll split up over subsequent game nights)

Can be on Tumblr or from an outside site (FF.net, AO3, Wattpad, et al)

If on Tumblr, preferably at least a year old/not currently circulating on all our dashes with great fervor

Preferably not anyone’s BFF or whatever - and NEVER someone in our group, though y’all are certainly welcome to volunteer any of your own short fics if you just want to hear it read aloud in my crazy voices

Preferably features an immature/annoying/etc. “Y/N”

Preferably has an inexplicably high note/reblog/kudos/etc. count for what it is, which is a wreck

Preferably has a plot that is objectively ridiculous and/or plot points that are crazy confusing

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On Skribblio…

This is a free online version of Pictionary that allows the host to input custom words - so we’ve been trying our hands at SPN-based drawings before CASPN starts, and it has been hilarious. If you have any ideas for words that are realistically draw-a-ble, feel free to shoot me an Ask with your suggestion. There will be a special chat set up for Skribblio separate from the CASPN chat, so if you decide to play, make sure you’re in the right chat. I believe the room limit is eight, otherwise you can jump in on the game even if it’s already in progress. Head over to the site (linked above) and get yourself set up ahead of time (your cookies will do the remembering from there on out). Recommend you use a mouse if you don’t have a pad/stylus - and be aware that the stylus will typically make a straight line “streak” across your drawing when you lift it from the pad, so I honestly think mouse will be better.

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VERY IMPORTANT REGARDING VOICE CHAT

If you are going to participate in the voice chat over at Discord *PLEASE* make sure you are in a quiet place, and if you are unable to do so, kindly mute yourself and just listen until you are able.

Also, kindly mute yourself if you need to speak to someone on the phone/someone who is with you in person, and mute yourself if your environment becomes noisy - it happens! No worries! Just jump back in when that’s done/when it’s your turn to read

Have this set up and ready to go prior to game start, and ensure all other apps/messaging on your device of choice are muted.

If you are in voice chat just so you can listen because you can’t/don��t choose to read aloud, that of course is fine, but you need to have yourself muted, please, and communicate via chat that you need myself or someone else to read your hand.

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TIPS & TRICKS FOR IN-GAME FAQs

(A kind reminder: most everything I/veteran players are asked in chat during games is covered at CASPN Headquarters)

Should your mic go out/no one can hear you in Discord, same thing applies as it does when you get duplicate cards/can’t choose a card over in the game - REFRESH! Just refresh the browser page for Discord, and give it a second, and it should remedy itself.

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🏷️ Tag Me In The Future, Nash! 🏷️

TO BE TAGGED, YOU *MUST* SEND AN ASK! I will not tag you any other way, nor will I tag you if you’ve never played with us before. Them’s the breaks.

I AM UNABLE TO TAG ON THE DAY OF GAMES, suggest you look out for the post, come try the game on for size & if you enjoy it, kindly send an ask stating you’d like to be tagged after you know you like it & are able to participate in future games

IF YOU HAVE CHANGED YOUR NAME, it is YOUR responsibility to send me an ask - I will not track you down or assume you want to stay tagged

FOR THOSE WITH SETTINGS THAT PREVENT TAGGING, you do not have to follow me in order to participate, however I will not follow you just so I can tag you - I am following some CASPN players, however it is only when I find their content of interest or I was already following them prior to the original deck’s conception -  if you want to be in the know about the game dates/times, I suggest you (a) follow me and/or #CASPN which is unique to the weekly games I run, or (b) make a side blog with standard settings that is purely for the purpose of being on this tag list (ex: “CASPN-[your handle])

Tag team, back again…

@impandagrl @salt-n-burn-em-all @princessofthefandomrealm @gryffindorable713 @rozadolphin @abbessolute @ohio-cnk-80q3 @a-screaming-ghost @ferferelli @ericaprice2008 @butiaintgonnaloveem @bumbleball13 @idreamofhazel @winchesterprincessbride @bemyqueenofdarkness @revwinchester @growningupgeek @ultimatecin73 @blackcherrywhiskey​

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* The Cannot Tags! *

It either (1) looks like the blog under this name is inactive, (2) you’ve changed your name and not told me, or (3) there’s a setting on YOUR end that prevents it.

None presently as the list has been purged/updated as of 11/11/18

NOTE: THE LIST IS NEARING TIME TO BE PURGED AGAIN, RE: PEOPLE WHO HAVEN’T SHOWN UP FOR ROUGHLY A MONTH, JUST FYI

❓ WHY AM I NOT TAGGED? you may ask ❓

Reminder: I’m taking roll at games so I can keep up maintenance on the tag list - if you aren’t participating often [read: approx. every 6 wks/6 games] & you haven’t let me know to move you to my “Hiatus” list, then you won’t be tagged on posts, but I’ll keep you on the CASPN tags page, listed at the bottom under the time frame you were removed.

It is possible I made a mistake if I get busy and neglect to c/p the roster frequently throughout the game - all you have to do is speak up. The biggest issue I have with keeping up is when you use some rando name in game that neither I nor any of the other players recognize. If you want to stay on the tags, you need to use a name I’ll know. Otherwise, I couldn’t care less, call yourself whatever strikes your fancy! :)

Want to be back on “active” status?  Want to be removed altogether? No problem! Kindly communicate your wishes with me via Ask.

[requiemesque]

【ｃｈａｒａｃｔｅｒ　ｃｒｅａｔｉｏｎ　ｔａｇ 】

【ｔａｇｇｅｄ　ｂｙ】 @katerinarevel​

【ｃｈａｒａｃｔｅｒ】 chi

1. what was the first element of your character that you remember considering?

oofh. hair color. would you believe if i told you it was originally purple? y i k e s

2. did you design them with any other characters from their universe in mind?

nope! chi was the first. in fact, at the time that i created her, the world of lacuna as it stands now doesn’t exist.

3. how did you chose their name?

can….can i not admit to this? i was fourteen when i designed the first iteration of chi, and i just…let’s just leave it at me looking up words in foreign languages, and i chose one that meant “delicate” for a sweet sense of irony. i rarely refer to her by her full name now, and generally go with “chi”, which turned out to be great because “chi” is a type of energy found in all living things.

4. in developing their backstory, what elements of their world played the most influential part? 

chi’s family by and large had the most impact on her backstory, but if we’re looking into actual pieces of lacua’s lore that influenced her (whether she knows it or not), then it would be the god of true death, and rising racial tensions on her continent.

5 / 6 / 7. is there any significance behind their hair color/eye color/height?

yes/yes/no

chi was born with dark hair and blue eyes, but after her first death, her hair begins to turn gold (dark and tarnished in book one, gradually lightening to almost white by the end of book four). immortal creatures in lacuna, such as elves or phoenixes, tend to have lighter colored hair, though not always blonde, as a pigmentation side effect of aether exposure. their blood, likewise, is often gold. the longer they’ve lived, the more apparent the color. in some rare cases, like chi, a full and sudden pigment shift may be the result of trauma.

now her eyes? oh, her eyes are my favorite. she was born with blue eyes, but after her death, her eyes are a much darker shade of blue, with veins of gold that burn bright and bleed into the full iris when her emotions or the wulf’s instincts are heightened. her wulf’s shape eyes are gold through and through. as with immortality, gold tends to be a sign of powerful magic as a result of aether exposure, and for chi, it also has a strong link to her emotions and the animalistic side of her. the color fluxes over time with the books, and is quite interesting to watch.

8. what do you relate to within their character/story?

mmfh. the hard parts, of course. dealing with instincts that are yours but at the same time aren’t, reconciling ctpsd…but also the good things, like mael, and a need to feel human.

9. are they based of you in any way?

oh, yeah. fuck yeah. i realized a few years back that chi’s wulf was a metaphor for my depression and anxiety. chi had always been the emotions i couldn’t express, the anger, the viciousness, the meanness and refusal to give a fuck because i had always given too many, but the wulf? instincts that were hers but not. a voice in her head that dealt in black and white extremes, predator or prey, a creature that is separate and same.

10. did you know what your character’s sexuality would be at the time of their creation?

effectively, yeah. she’s not my trouble child, unlike a certain shitty edgelord son.

11. what have you found is the most difficult art form in creating your character?

actual art. i can’t draw. like at all. not people anyway.

12. how far past canon events that take place in their world have you extended their story?

what even is canon? my wip alexithymia is an entire modern dark academia au devoted to chi and mael. if we’re talking what canon events past those that take place in the novel, i’ve gone all the way out to her adopting a child and having one of her own (with whom? guess you’ll have to find out)

13. if you had to narrow it down to 2 things you must keep in mind while working with this oc, what would they be?

➳ there is something still human in her. she may not believe it, nor may she behave like it, but there is still humanity in her, and that influences little nuances of her behavior. ➳ she has been through insurmountable trauma, both before she became a wulf and certainly after. i used to write her as such a dead end, stoic, numb character, and numbness is certainly a part of her behavioral profile, but trauma presents in more ways that numbness or even just flashbacks. i rewriting her story, i’ve had to reexamine my own traumas and keep exactly what that means as far as behavioral shifts, even small ones like the details she does (or doesn’t) notice.

14. what is something about your oc that makes you laugh?

she can’t get drunk. like wolverine and captain america, her regeneration factor is so high that the best she can get is a light buzz before the alcohol is out of her system. it leads to some shitty moments (trying to get drunk in the aftermath of a war or a bad wound), but there was also a hilarious moment in her original history where she used to be able to get drunk, and man she was a lightweight. she fell on the ground, whined about being out-drunk, and tried to pull open a push door; she didn’t even have to be locked in to stay safe. i still laugh to this day.

15. what is something about your oc that makes you cry?

the loss she experiences at the end of book 2 and her regression through book 3 (spoilers ;3 can’t tell you much more)

16. is there some element you regret adding to your oc or their story?

aye, is this make requii remember all her regrets day? the blatant cultural appropriation in her past that i did my best to wipe out, the massive amounts of emo edgelord bullshit that i put her through when i was younger….we all make mistakes, y’all. i’m at least trying my best to smooth it out and make reparations. her story has gone through so many iterations; the one regret i can’t fix because of its necessity to the story is the way her second book ends. i can’t fix that hurt.

17. what is the most recent thing that you’ve discovered about your oc?

the revelation of what the wulf was, although that’s more about what she means to me than anything new about her.

18. favorite oc fact?

mael taught her how to play piano. she learned by watching and listening; can’t read music, but if she can find an instrument, she plays to soothe her nerves. when no instrument is available (frequent), she mimics keystrokes by tapping her fingers on her thighs. this was the first piece she learned to play.

【ｔａｇｇｉｎｇ】 @kavqnsky​ @thewinedarksea​ @girlnovels​ @lookslikechill​ @monstrouswrites​ @omgbrekkerkaz​ @thecadmiuminkwell​ & anyone else looking to join in! if you’ve already been tagged, either ignore me or post another character so you can haunt my dash.

[theowldetective]

The above snippet is from the audition sides for Pappy Joe. It was originally supposed to happen right before the train animation. Obviously this line didn't make it to official canon, but it's still a glimpse into Jacobs's & Nelson's intentions as writers. It's a "peek under the hood," as it were, at the ideas they were playing with as they wrote the episode. 

The primary point of the Texas Trilogy was that it was the first volley of heavy narrative artillery in terms of actually changing the status quo of the show, especially re: the romance arcs. The romantic status quo is severely threatened by the events of the Texas trilogy. Texas 1-2-3 is the first attempt to actually change the romantic status quo rather than simply hint at it, although that status quo partially reasserts itself in GMT3.  [2018 Edit: this is SO LONG. It’s kind of a compendium of stuff I said in answers to asks, but I figured I’d let y’all have it even though it kinda trails off at the end. It’s also got old audition sides as a means of trying to discern what the writers’ intent may have been despite the cuts, and at this point I’m not stressed about posting them. Just add a mental “may have” in parts where I’m talking about the sides and skipped/forgot the caveat. There’s a lot of repetition, probably more than is necessary for the emphasis I was going for, but since I’ll probably never get around to actually editing this thing it’s all kind of a moot point now anyway...enjoy under the cut.]

I’m so exhausted by people who think the suggestion that the Texans and Riley may not have been entirely in the right to encourage Lucas onto the back of a 2,000 pound bull which could have easily killed or maimed him is tantamount to “hate.” If MAYA had been the one to push Lucas onto Tombstone while Riley took the other side, I would say exactly the same things I say now about the scene, only with the girls reversed. This is not about “making Riley look bad” because of ships. That’s major over-simplification of the situation. 

Riley is not a villain by any stretch of the imagination, not in Texas, not ever. Not unlike her father when he was younger (and her mother, for that matter), Riley is simply an oft-misguided, insecure, overly-idealistic CHILD with the very best of intentions. (Yes, I consider 12-13 year-olds to be children, especially when they’re as naive as Riley.) Anyone who ascribes villainy, guile, or malice to Riley Matthews (or any of the kids) is IMO willfully misunderstanding her characterization. If you think I am ascribing any of those characteristics to her, then you are misunderstanding me. 

Riley is not a monster. She believes the best of everybody (especially of Lucas) and that’s great on a base level, but she doesn't temper that attitude with realism as much as she should...which is why she needs Maya (and Farkle). Riley is also very easily influenced by the opinions of others (despite her growth in that department), and she regresses quite a bit on that front when taken out of her usual environment and dropped into Texas. Lucas also regresses in Texas in terms of caring about what other people say. Maya, however, does not. She’s still the most secure person in the room at the rodeo. 

The Texas trilogy is nuanced as heck, and when you boil it down to Riley = bad and Maya = good (or vice versa), I think you're missing the point. But hey, most of my discussion on the matter has been limited to asks which I usually dash off pretty quickly, which means I’m not necessarily being as precise as I perhaps ought to be. If I haven’t made myself CRYSTAL clear about this, that’s on me. (Not to mention that my views on this whole thing have evolved over time and with temperance, so I know I’ve said things on the matter that I no longer stand by). So once and for all, here's my comprehensive, definitive take on Riley, Maya, and Lucas in Texas 1. 

 "When you see how other people live, it changes you." --Cory Matthews, GMT1 

The girls "switch roles" in Texas. That’s what changes. Most people probably think this happened after Riley “stepped back,” but it actually began well before that. And what are their roles? Well, let's take another peek under the hood, back in the classroom again: 

This bit comes right after Riley was going to say she’s headed to Texas too because she’s responsible for the situation and she wants to make sure Lucas comes back okay (in case you ever wondered whose idea this whole thing was in the first place; as if there was ever any doubt). It also comes right after a bit where Pappy Joe was holding Lucas over his shoulder while Lucas tried to escape. 

(Lucas’s resistance to riding the bull is even stronger in the sides than what we got in the actual episode. There’s a slight GM Gravity callback too. Cory asks Pappy Joe, “Can we talk about this?” and then Lucas says “Mr. Matthews is right, we should talk about this.” To which Pappy Joe says, “Plenty of time for talking on the train!” It’s still pretty clear in the episode as it aired that Lucas is pretty much only doing this for Pappy Joe and not really for himself...but we’ll get to that in a minute). Here’s what we actually got though:

This is NOT the attitude of a boy who is raring to go down to Texas and ride Tombstone the Bull. Lucas is so intimidated by his grandfather that he would rather ride a bull than defy Pappy Joe's wishes. He didn't ride Tombstone because he wanted to. He rode Tombstone because he felt like he HAD to.

Notice also in the cut parts of the sides that Cory was going to get explicit credit for helping Lucas change for the better in an trilogy where Lucas eventually singles Riley out and appears to give her all the credit for his survival in NYC...even though Lucas owes just as much gratitude to the other kids and Cory as he does to Riley, and normally he says as much. But we’ll also get to that.

Anyway, point is: in the sides Riley self-identifies to Pappy Joe as "Lucas's girl. Maya self-identifies as "I make fun of him" and with being responsible for Riley. Those are still their “official” roles, despite the higher and higher-key romantic shift that's been happening all season. "I'm his girl" and "I make fun of him" is still technically the status quo for Riley & Maya + Lucas, despite the growing high-key romantic intensity between Lucas and Maya (and Riley and Farkle, for that matter, in timeline order), and despite the near total lack of anything resembling growing romance (by Jacobsland standards) between Lucas and Riley for most of S2 in terms of how they actually treat each other. 

My best guess is that these lines were cut because they had a lot to pack into these episodes and the audience is already pretty darn aware of what the status quo was "supposed" to be when it comes to the girls and their respective relationships with Lucas. They actually cut most of the original Pappy Joe/classroom scene, probably because most of it was just set-up for all the kids getting permission to go to Texas, which we don’t really need to see to get into the heart of the story.

It's notable that Pappy Joe was going to say "Well so do I!" re: making fun of Lucas. Because the DIFFERENCE in Pappy Joe's (and the locals') taunting of Lucas versus Maya teasing Lucas is that they apparently MEAN IT and she doesn't. But she doesn't understand that until she gets to Texas and sees how these other people live. Anyway, in Texas, the girls shift and switch roles, essentially. They change when they see how other people live. (Farkle too, but this post isn’t about him). Riley becomes the person who makes fun of Lucas and who believes he’s a disgrace to the community so he HAS to ride the bull, Maya acts more like you’d expect “his girl” to act.

The shift of the girls' role reversal in terms of Lucas is more gradual than people realize, I think. It doesn't happen suddenly in the refreshment tent. It doesn't even start in Texas—it's built up in the preceding episodes too, allllll of them really, but especially SoL forward. Texas is the first major turning point for the status quo after the groundwork that’s been laid in the preceding episodes.

At the house before the rodeo, we get the "you both look good" bit, which puts BOTH girls in the "Lucas's girl" slot, and then, outside the refreshment tent, Riley mocks Lucas just as much as Maya does for being afraid of a "man-cow," which puts BOTH of them in the "I make fun of him" slot. Of course the shift is already underway, a little: at the house, Maya has the ha-hurr moment with Cletus (and Lucas just lets her), and outside the tent Riley actually mocks Lucas a little harder than Maya does. 

But in effect, both girls take on both roles for these two scenes. There's a moment of near-equilibrium, as it were—with both girls filling both roles—before the full-on switch in the tent. Lucas treats them both like "his girl" at the house, and they BOTH make fun of him outside the refreshment tent. But from there? They keep going and they swap their usual roles. 

 "I just think you'll react differently when you actually see a man-cow!" --Lucas Friar, GMT1 

The tipping point for the swap happens when the danger of bull-riding becomes more apparent to Riley and Maya, who were clueless beforehand because they weren't taking the darn hint. When the danger becomes more apparent to the girls, they don't react the way they normally would in New York. By the time the rodeo comes around, both girls have changed a bit in terms of how they treat Lucas after seeing how other people live, after seeing how OTHER PEOPLE perceive and treat Lucas here in Texas. But becoming more hip to the danger catalyzes the switch even more. 

New York Riley vs Texas Riley

New York Riley, who vehemently said it was NOT OKAY for Billy to call Farkle a "nothing" over his childhood turtlenecks, who took over her father's class to run an anti-bullying workshop when someone went after Farkle, who would normally NEVER EVER stand for anyone to drag ANY of her friends down over something from their childhood, who would normally NEVER make fun of Lucas (except that one time in GM Pluto, when Lucas scolds her for it), well...that aspect of New York Riley just isn't there in Texas. Cory’s cut line, “There goes everything we’ve ever taught you” (after Riley goes all Southern for the first time ever in the sides) seems apt in light of this, because Texas Riley reacts to Lucas being bullied as a “disgrace” WAY differently than New York Riley reacted to Farkle being bullied as a “nothing.”

Texas Riley makes fun of Lucas along with the locals. And she keeps it up even after she sees other bull riders getting flung around like rag dolls on the monitors. She’s not reacting differently now that she’s actually seen a man-cow, and she still doesn’t think Lucas is in any real danger as long as he just tells her he’s not. That’s one aspect of New York Riley which remains intact in Texas: her unrealistic idealization of Lucas. Riley basically figures there’s nothing to worry about because her “hero” can do “anything.” This is not a rational or realistic way to view a normal eighth grade boy, which is what Lucas actually is. This is idealization and naivete. I’m not bashing Riley for that. Being idealistic and naive is just who she is for the most part, especially when it comes to Lucas. And that was fine when she was pushing him to run for class president. Downright adorable, even. It’s less cute when she’s pushing him into a life-or-death stunt mostly because of what other people are (wrongly) saying about him. (Riley’s concept of healthy, emotionally substantial romantic heroism is pretty warped, tbh, but that’s another post) 

Texas Riley doesn't defend Lucas from people calling him a disgrace over something that happened TO him as a CHILD the way New York Riley defended Farkle in GM Flaws, the way she would certainly defend Lucas if anyone back in New York ever called him a “disgrace.” When Lucas tries to say that he's NOT a disgrace, Riley shoots back with "You are! I've been talking to people..." as opposed to "It's not okay that someone called you that!" (And we all know that even if she'd "talked to people" in GM Flaws, there's STILL no way she'd have said anything like "you are!" to Farkle being a “nothing” just because other people said he was). Farkle was not ACTUALLY a “nothing who didn’t deserve his friends” just because Billy said so. Lucas is not ACTUALLY a disgrace just because these yokels say so and he shouldn’t have had to pull a stupid stunt to “prove” otherwise. 

And while some people might want to play that “you are!” moment off as a pure joke, as Riley only “teasing” Lucas no-big-deal, this ignores the fact that Riley is essentially backing up the people who MEAN IT when they call Lucas a disgrace, and they’re ignoring Lucas’s seriously hurt reaction (seriously, go watch it and LOOK at him, he’s totally wounded by Riley telling him he’s a disgrace to the community. Lucas sure as hell didn’t take it as a joke). Lucas is wounded by what Riley says, and Maya is shocked (horrified, even) that Riley is basically backing up this disgrace thing. Maya stopped teasing Lucas after she realized people meant it, she didn’t want to back them up anymore; she reacted differently when she actually saw a man-cow. 

In Texas, Riley’s insecurity regarding what other people think comes back big time, despite her marked growth in that arena (confronting her bully alone, for example). She truly believes that what these complete strangers think matters enough for Lucas to risk serious injury or death just to prove a point to them. (Granted, she also thinks Lucas isn’t in any real danger because she’s not being realistic about the situation...this is more nuanced than Riley just plain not caring, okay?)

Riley reinforcing rather than dismissing what other people think contributes to bringing back Lucas’s insecurity about what other people think too. Riley calls Lucas a disgrace to the community, the waitress mocks him...and, well...I think that’s the moment when Lucas decides he HAS to ride the bull. He was only doing it for Pappy Joe before, and even then he was wavering and not happy about it. He agreed with Maya not wanting him “anywhere near that bull.” He asked the girls why they hated him. He was PISSED OFF at being forced into this situation from the very start, even though he was gonna go through with it, probably. But once Riley tells him he’s a disgrace to the community and that waitress “baa-aa-a”s at him, Lucas doesn’t think he has any choice. He HAS to do it. 

(That’s also the exact moment Maya’s appeal is officially doomed, btw, because she’s not in a position to appeal to Lucas with complete honesty about why she doesn’t want him to do this...and complete honesty is probably the only way she could’ve stopped him once the “disgrace” thing was on the table. She might have had a chance before, but not after that. The bull ride becomes absolutely inevitable when it becomes about the Riley’s perception of him & the disgrace thing for Lucas instead of just Pappy Joe alone.)

In Texas, Riley essentially sides with the Texas people in terms of what she thinks Lucas needs to do and why. And why would Riley do this? Why would she buy into these problematic Texas values about shame and honor and childhood sheep-riding after everything her New York parents have taught her? Why has Riley decided that falling off of a sheep as little boy means you should risk your neck on the back of Tombstone the Bull?

Well, again, it’s partly because she’s convinced that Lucas can do anything because she idealizes him as a “hero who can do anything he wants” even in the face of possible injury or death. It’s also possible that Riley bought into those “Texas values” because she wasn't really fitting in with the Texas crowd the way she probably wanted to, because she’s supposed to be “Lucas’s girl.” (Remember, she was originally going to bust out a Southern accent for the first time ever when Pappy Joe asked if she was “Lucas’s girl.”) It’s likely that Riley realllly wants to fit into this aspect of Lucas’s life. But she doesn’t really. Not at first, anyway. This made it to canon a little bit with the Maya + Cletus ha-hurr scene (watch Riley’s face, she’s totally baffled by Lucas and Cletus), but again, let’s take peek under the hood, this time in the refreshment tent:

With this + the Cletus bit + what we know of Riley’s insecurity issues, it’s not exactly a stretch to conclude that perhaps Riley is buying into what the Texas people say Lucas HAS to do because shes’ feeling insecure about something...perhaps her position as “Lucas’s girl.” She’s been feeling that way on some level since at least the blonde beauty reveal, if not before (Lucas has done absolutely NOTHING to fix this, btw, and the “you both look good” bit definitely didn’t help). I’m not standing by this part 100%, but I think it’s worth mentioning as a possibility. So…why DID Riley throw in with the Texans? Why did she buy into the idea that it was rational for the locals to mock and shame and call Lucas a “disgrace” over something that happened to him as a child? Back home, Riley would NEVER stand for anyone to talk about her friends like that, but in Texas she reaffirms the locals’ ridiculous opinion rather than slamming it the way she did when Billy called Farkle a “nothing." So again…why?  Well, perhaps it’s because she REALLY wanted to fit in in Texas. And the rodeo waitress made it clear that she didn’t. I kinda wish they’d kept that bit of dialogue because I think it would be a pretty clear-cut case of Riley’s Insecurity Strikes Again. (Especially what with Maya “Annie Oakley” Hart apparently fitting right in; which kinda makes sense what with finding out in S3 that Katy’s from Arkansas.)

Maybe it’s also because the last time her idealization of Lucas pushed him into something he wasn’t sure he could do, he succeeded and wound up taking her on a princess fantasy horsey ride.

But of course, running for class president is a far cry from riding a 2,000 pound bull.

Going against Maya, Riley has taken the side of the people who mock Lucas and MEAN IT, even if her reasons for doing so have more to do with her misguided & idealistic belief that he's a "hero who can do anything" than with actually point blank AGREEING with the locals. But there’s waaaaay more to it than Riley’s idealism or her “heroic” visions of Lucas, or her possibly wanting to fit into Texas life as “Lucas’s girl.” This next bit is what I would call “the whammy.” Let's go back to the classroom, before the kids headed out to Texas, for yet another peek under the hood: 

Now, this idea didn't make it to explicitly stated canon either, but anyone watching the show with even half their brain functioning can understand that Texas Riley has essentially bought into this particular aspect of "stereotypical cultural reductionism." Texas Riley has, to an extent, bought into the Texas values that canon somewhat implied (and the early draft confirms) gave Lucas his temper in the first place. There's definitely more than a bit of an implication here that Riley believes the bull ride and subsequently "earning" Pappy Joe's pride/love and not being a “disgrace” anymore is going to "fix" Lucas's temper, which (let's face it) is a VERY Riley thing to believe. (And from a literary standpoint, mastering a bull as a metaphor for mastering anger/temper issues is pretty on the nose even if it ultimately doesn’t work out that way...)

So, OF COURSE Riley would encourage a stunt that she quite possibly believes will "fix" those issues and officially make Lucas the "hero she ‘knows’ he is" to everyone else. Here’s his chance to show everybody that he’s not “different than [Riley] thinks.” If Lucas can ride this bull, then *poof* he’s not a “disgrace to the community” anymore and *poof* his temper is fixed! *Poof* Lucas is exactly who Riley always thought he was and all that stuff she was upset about in Secret of Life and Rileytown goes away! (Yes, she WAS upset to find out that Lucas might not be what she thought, but I don’t have time for that argument right now because this post is already a novella).

Riley doesn't want that other part of Lucas to exist. She's tried to wallpaper over it with the vet thing, she's tried to scold it away. She wants it GONE. And hey, Lucas does too, unrealistic as that may be. It’s something he struggles to control. It’s not easy for him. Riley’s intentions are nothing but good! She.is.not.a.villain. She probably thinks this bull ride is going to HELP LUCAS FIX A PROBLEM. This is CLASSIC “fixer” Riley mode! But Riley is not being realistic on this front, because you cannot simply wallpaper over major parts of your personality by overcorrecting in the other direction and pretending/trying to be "Mr. Perfect the Hero." (The "Mr. Perfect" persona is as much an overcorrection as Donnie Barnes, Morotia M. Black, and S3 Maya "becoming Riley.") Riding a bull isn’t actually going to solve a decade or so of built-up issues.  Riding a bull may help you face your fears, but Lucas wasn’t exactly a super-fearful guy in the first place...except when it comes to Maya. So of course it’s massively ironic that the bull ride is probably a huge part of what gave Lucas the confidence to push Maya to admit her feelings at the campfire even though he knows she doesn’t like to be pushed and he’s terrified of her. There’s a reason Maya was associated with Tombstone at the end of Texas 2. 

And of course (mild spoilers ahead), the bull ride does NOT ultimately "fix" Lucas's temper, as you'll see Riley discover in GMHS1...

Even though she scolded Pappy Joe for mocking Pappy McCullough, Riley (for reasons and potential reasons detailed above) totally bought into the idea that Lucas needed to risk life and limb to "make up for" falling off of Judy, to earn his grandfather’s pride, as if falling off of a sheep is something to be ashamed of in the first place, as if anyone should have to risk their life & limb for their grandfather to be proud of them. And her original line called this out explicitly rather than simply heavily implying it via subtext as happened in official canon: 

In short, Riley changes after “seeing how other people live” by making fun of Lucas in tandem with people who mean it, and by buying into the idea that he should pull a life-threatening stunt to prove to these people that he’s not a disgrace, that he is rather the “hero” she believes he is. She reverts to “caring too much what other people think,” basically. She buys into and reinforces the problematic aspects of “Texas values” that gave Lucas his temper to begin with, possibly because she thinks fulfilling the edicts of those values will fix Lucas’s temper, among other things. What doesn’t change is her idealization of Lucas, as well as her desire to help fix things when she thinks she knows how to fix them, which are normally nowhere near as problematic as they are in this specific situation, which is a life or death (or major injury) situation. 

New York Maya vs Texas Maya

On the flip side you've got Maya, who was gleefully "ba-a-a-ing" at Lucas in New York, who was grinning like a fool when Pappy Joe first showed up and started going on and on about the "mud hole," who normally mocks Lucas with aplomb...but in Texas, Maya is NOT OKAY with the fact that the locals ACTUALLY believe Lucas is a disgrace. When she sees that they MEAN IT, she is DONE with their bull feces. It changes her. She stops mocking Lucas and unconditionally supports him as a person who is worthy of people being proud of him REGARDLESS of what happened to him as a kid (which would normally be more of a Riley thing, lbr, although this is not the first time Maya has shown unconditional support for Lucas as-is, see SoL). Even though Maya makes fun of Lucas in New York, she has never really meant it—teasing Lucas is a facade for New York Maya to hide her feelings. (And this is made explicit canon by Riley's realization in GMT1&2 as well as Maya's "it's my facade" line in GMT3). 

New York Maya mocks Lucas mercilessly even though she doesn't really mean it, but Texas Maya perceives that the locals MEAN IT when they mock Lucas and she is NOT COOL with that. Maya does NOT buy into the Texas values that apparently gave Lucas his temper issues in the first place, to any extent. Rather, she wants him to buck those problematic values. She wants him to take off that stupid outfit and get out of here. 

What’s going on with Maya is a lot simpler than what’s going on with Riley. Maya sees Lucas as a normal boy who could very well get hurt, who is great as-is, who shouldn’t put himself in such serious danger just because of what other people are saying. She also doesn’t see his temper as a problem to be solved or erased, to her, it’s just a part of him that he has to keep under control and only deploy for the right reasons. (Hell, the moment Maya emotionally falls for Lucas whether she realized it or not is most likely GM Sneak Attack, when he’s a total prick to Missy, who totally deserves it, and he didn’t even get remotely violent for that one.) When you set Riley up as the plain, black & white photo negative reverse of that, without accounting for all the complex REASONS she’s on the opposite side of Maya on this...it does make Riley look pretty bad. But that’s why I took pains to spool out the NUANCES of what may have been up with Riley in Texas in this post. Riley is only misguided, insecure, and naive. She is not being maliciously cruel when she calls Lucas a disgrace to the community. She is not purposefully knocking him down to build him up, although that is in effect what she does. 

In short, Maya stops making fun of Lucas, and expresses implicit unconditional pride in who Lucas is when she “sees how other people live.” But what doesn’t change is how confident she is. Maya is absolutely secure in the idea that Lucas is great as-is and that he should not have to risk life & limb to prove anything to anyone. What she loses is her grip on hiding her feelings as much as possible (which, unlike Riley’s self-confidence, has actually been weakening prior to this episode, largely because of the stuff Lucas has been initiating with Maya, and possibly because she’s been daring to hope).

More from the GM Flaws perspective...

Lucas isn’t “better” in New York because he busted out grand gestures like princess fantasy horsey rides and asking Cory for permission to take Riley on a date. People change people, and there is simply no logical reason to believe that “New York” Lucas picked up not caring what other people think from Insecure Riley Who Cares Too Much What People Think. Riley definitely 100% inspired Lucas’ desire to change his ways: her appeal to Lucas in the cafeteria in GM Sneak Attack pulls him away from Missy and over to Riley’s side of the line, and he certainly tries his damnedest to live up to her idealized vision of him between Friendship & Secret of Life after jettisoning “the rebel” shadowing him...although it starts to fall apart after SoL because again: just like the other kids, Lucas needs balance, not overcorrection. 

But even though Riley as the inspiration for Lucas to change must be acknowledged, Maya is clearly the person from whom Lucas picked up the practical application of owning yourself and not caring what other people think. It’s not exactly a stretch to conclude that picking up Maya’s self-confidence is an important part of what helped Lucas to largely overcome the temper issues he’s had as a result of his failure with Judy and the subsequent shaming he endured at the hands of his family and the locals. Picking that confidence up from Maya is just as important to Lucas’s growth as Riley inspiring Lucas to commit to change in the first place. (Maya also changes Riley in terms of growing to care less what other people think. All four of them have changed each other, and none of them would be what they are now without all of the others.) And people who honestly believe Maya’s "No! That’s what he wants! He wants you to be like him!” didn’t have a serious effect on Lucas in GM Flaws...I don’t even know what to say to y’all anymore. Riley did absolutely NOTHING when Lucas was about to pop Billy. MAYA was the one who slowed him down and made him stop. Did he calm all the way down to being as peaceful as a lamb? Nah. He was still pissed, and rightfully so. But Maya is the one who actually physically stopped Lucas from going too far in Flaws. Granted, she’s also the one who inspired him to nearly hit Billy in the first place, but she sees the error of encouraging that behavior and then does something about it. (Just like Lucas did for her earlier in the episode).

Riley and Lucas are a LOT alike. When Lucas goes back to his original environment in Texas, and after his go-to-ego-booster-Riley reinforces what other people are saying rather than calling bullshit...New York Lucas kinda disappears. Gone is the boy who delivers passionate, sincere speeches about not succumbing to what other people say you are. Gone is the boy who didn’t think he was actually a disgrace to the community. In his place is a very insecure boy who, because of what other people are saying, believes he MUST risk his life and limb by riding the fiercest bull around. And Riley reacts pretty much the SAME WAY to that stimuli...probably because she's a lot like Lucas. Maya, however, does not. Riley shakes Lucas’s confidence in himself, she shakes his confidence in the idea that he is NOT actually a disgrace, before she “builds him up” in terms of being able to ride the bull because he’s a “hero.” Maya wanted Lucas to be the guy she knows in New York, who doesn’t care so much what other people think in the first darn place.

Interestingly, it was Maya who delivered the equivalent of the "You are..." line to Farkle in GM Flaws. She meant it in a good way, but she was still kinda sorta reinforcing the negative crap Billy was saying to Farkle. Maya was saying that being “weird” is okay for Farkle as long as he has self-confidence and owns it. But that doesn’t get Farkle to come back to class. Maya is not a monster or a villain for that “you are” moment any more than Riley is monster or a villain for HER "you are" moment with Lucas in Texas. Maya was trying to help Farkle. Riley was trying to help Lucas. This isn't about who's "good" and who's "bad," it's simply about the DIFFERENCES in how the girls interact with, perceive, and feel about the boys, and how all of that affects whatever situation they’re in. It's about how seeing the way people act in Texas changes the way the girls normally act. That's it. 

Lucas was essentially bullied (by the locals, Pappy McCullough, and Pappy Joe) onto the back of that bull just as much as Farkle was bullied into the janitor's closet. Pappy Joe was originally going to CARRY A PROTESTING LUCAS OUT OF THE CLASSROOM OVER HIS SHOULDER. Lucas was pissed off about being roped into the bull ride from the get-go even without the cuts to these scenes. Lucas didn't ride Tombstone because he wanted to "fulfill his dreams." Not one blessed word is spoken by ANYONE about this stunt being about Lucas’s “rodeo dreams,” which he gave up long before this episode. Lucas doesn’t even mention his “dreams” in EITHER of his grateful speeches to Riley. Lucas rode Tombstone because he felt like he had no choice but to prove he could, so people would stop calling him a "disgrace" for something that happened to him as a little boy, so he could “earn” the openly expressed love of his grandfather which OUGHT TO BE unconditional. 

Lucas doesn't even keep the trophy, which is saying something for a dude as hyper-competitive as he is. He doesn't even sit there ADMIRING the trophy the way Farkle and Zay do back at the house. And he very pointedly takes a knee to reassure Timmy that it's OKAY that he fell off Judy—it's pretty clear Lucas is trying to prevent Timmy being as negatively affected by his childhood failure as Lucas was. And, with the Timmy/Lucas moment, the writers are pretty clearly letting us know that it was WRONG for Lucas to be treated so badly over the Judy thing to begin with. Lucas does for Timmy what NO ONE did for him, aside from Maya when it was already too late. What feeling was associated with being bullied, for both Riley and Farkle? Humiliation. Here are the stage directions for Lucas’s little chat with Timmy:

And what’s really interesting is that THIS is the moment that the Friars and the McCulloughs bury the hatchet. Pappy Joe and Pappy McCullough shake hands AFTER Lucas tries to save Timmy from a childhood full of shame just for falling off a sheep. Lucas’s bull ride didn’t end the feud, Lucas taking a knee and reassuring Timmy ended the feud. Lucas just being a GOOD GUY ended the feud. That was all Lucas ever truly needed to be to begin with, and he didn’t actually need to be bullied onto the back of a bull for that. 

Dreamers + Realists

After the danger becomes apparent to Maya in Texas, she is 100% done with the BS. Maya gets hip to the danger when she sees the bulls on the monitors. Riley idealizes Lucas the “Hero” so much that doesn’t think there’s any real danger until she sees Tombstone in person. Maya ends up delivering a version of Riley's "it's not okay" line from GM Flaws with, "You're not proud of him if he doesn't do this?" It's very clear that Maya thinks it is NOT OKAY for people to be calling Lucas a disgrace (and meaning it) to begin with, and she thinks it's absolutely NUTS for him to risk his life and/or limb to "prove" he's not. To Maya, Lucas's safety was more important than what these people (wrongly) believed about Lucas. She was more worried about his safety than what anyone thought. She doesn't have Lucas up on a pedestal in terms of her conception of him, she doesn't believe he can ride this bull safely just because he (very insecurely) says he can. She has been given EVERY REASON to believe that Lucas is going to get seriously hurt or killed by riding Tombstone. She is not being “dramatic.” The danger was real. (And it’s hammered home over and over and over again, from “Death is the difference!” until the moment of the bull ride itself.)

Maya wants Lucas to be realistic and SAFE. She wants him to NOT CARE so much about what these people are saying. She doesn't want Lucas to be so affected by what other people are saying about him. She believes those people are WRONG to call him a “disgrace” at all, and she is right about that. She wants Lucas to BUCK this objectively problematic aspect of “Texas values,” which apparently/may have gave him his temper to begin with. And she doesn't need or want Lucas to pull a life-threatening stunt or "be a hero" just because of the awful things people are saying. She doesn’t think these peoples’ problematic and wrong opinions are worth Lucas taking such a massive risk. She wants him to think realistically, not idealistically. Here’s another little snippet of what she was originally going to say:

(I’m guessing they changed the bull’s name from Satan to Tombstone because it’d be kinda screwy to associate Maya with something named Satan. And also: Disney Channel Anyway.) Riley and Lucas, the dreamers, are NOT listening to the realist here. This is a potential life or death situation and they are not LISTENING to Maya. They’re too caught up in those crappy ideas about Southern honor, too caught up in the idea that Lucas MUST risk his life to “make up for” falling off a sheep as a kid, too caught up in the idea of Lucas as a “hero.” Riley and Lucas aren’t being realistic about this, and they’re caring WAY too much about reputation and what other people think. Perhaps it might be useful to think of this situation in terms of what Maya says about them both in GM Money (especially if you believe it’s supposed to come BEFORE Texas):

“I’m gonna dream with them, yeah. I always have. They’re the ones who taught me how. Just sometimes, I know better.”

Maya knew better in Texas. Riley and Lucas did not. (”You have these friends for a reason,” much?) There was no GOOD reason for Lucas to be risking his life, because Pappy Joe and the locals were WRONG to call Lucas a disgrace over something that happened to him as a child in the first place. 

Riley’s idealization of Lucas is what makes her blind to the VERY REAL danger until she sees Tombstone in person, at which point she acts like veterinarian dreams can tame an angry bull. Riley is not being realistic about this. The show took major pains to hammer home that the danger was real and that it was extraordinarily lucky Lucas didn’t get seriously hurt. They even go so far as to SHOW us “the best” being rolled out on a stretcher as Lucas enters the ring. Riley may believe Lucas is “hero” and all (and WHY does she think that, exactly? That’s yet another post), but if “the best” can wind up in the hospital after riding Buttercup, then Lucas could’ve easily wound up in even worse shape after riding Tombstone. They. Got. Lucky.

But the issue here is not that Riley is some monster who just plain didn’t care about Lucas. The issue is that she cared too much what other people thought (same with Lucas). The issue is that she wasn’t being realistic about the danger (same with Lucas). This is a situation where the dreamers OUGHT TO HAVE listened to the realist, and they didn’t. They got lucky this time. But how many more times do you think Riley and Lucas can get into situations like this before their luck runs out and something goes horribly wrong because they both had their heads in the clouds? Is this out-of-touch-with-reality idealistic dreamer dynamic GOOD FOR THEM in the long run? As long as we’re only talking about running for class president in seventh grade, I guess. More importantly, does this dynamic make for an effective, possibly long-term partnership with room for constant growth? According to the writers...no. See: GM Belief, the implications of STEM.

The point of the refreshment tent scene was never "can Maya talk Lucas out of this?!" but rather to HIGHLIGHT the differences in the way the girls see the world, and Lucas himself—not to mention the difference in their feelings for him. Seeing how other people live changes the way the girls would normally act. What DOESN'T change though is the way the girls SEE and CONCEIVE of Lucas. Riley's idealization of Lucas doesn't disappear in Texas just because other people are calling him a “disgrace.” She's convinced that he's a "hero who can do anything," so even though the danger is becoming more and more apparent, Riley believes Lucas can ride a raging bull just because he says so, even though he is clearly unsure himself. Maya, on the other hand, sees Lucas as a normal kid and a normal good guy. She doesn't place him on a "hero" pedestal the way Riley does. She sees "the best" get carried out on a stretcher and she is 100% DONE with the idea that Lucas should risk his life and limb just to prove a point to a bunch of people who are WRONG to be calling Lucas a disgrace in the first place. She does everything she can think of to try and stop him, while also trying to not make her feelings known. And at this point Maya is the one who is acting the way you'd expect "Lucas's girl" to act in the face of a life or death stunt (especially by BMW/GMW standards). And Riley, well...she's acting more like his family and the Texans. Riley’s acting more like like Pappy Joe, who makes fun of Lucas and believes he HAS to risk himself with a life threatening stunt.

The Inevitability of the Bull Ride

But make no mistake: Even though it didn’t become 100% inevitable in the narrative until after the “disgrace” bit, that bull ride was always going to happen plot-beat-wise. Maya didn't have an actual prayer of talking Lucas out of it because this is FICTION. The bull ride is the action climax of the episode, and it's also how Riley gets hip to Maya's feelings. If the bull ride doesn't happen, then Riley doesn't get fully hip to Maya, and Texas 2&3 don't happen. The purpose of the refreshment tent scene (even after the cuts) was probably to highlight the differences in the way the girls see/perceive Lucas wherever they are geographically, as well as to highlight the way they change in terms of how they each treat Lucas in light of seeing how he grew up in Texas. Maya's attempt to talk Lucas out of it was ALWAYS doomed, which is why she has to push so hard that she slips up and makes her feelings obvious/undeniable/apparent—and although Riley doesn't quite 100% catch on until she sees Maya frozen and shaking in fear after Lucas is flung through the air, that post-rodeo moment is really just the catalyst that makes all the moments Riley's been noticing all season snap into place. And of course Lucas has NO IDEA what's up with Maya until Riley brings it up and Maya eventually explains herself at the campfire. He seems to think that Maya just doesn't support him or believe in him while Riley does. 

I've had it just about up to here with people who aren't capable of grasping the nuance of Girl Meets Texas 1, or who think there isn’t any, especially with regard to the way the girls change once they get to Texas. Fact: Riley is naive and is often slow on the uptake when it comes to reality. Sometimes it seems like she's faking it, other times she really is just a lap behind. Riley can often be misguided when she thinks she knows what's best for everyone. The bull ride was the action climax of the episode and was going to happen NO MATTER WHAT, because of who these character are and where the story needed to go. But parsing out the _why_ of it all doesn’t mean I think there was ever a prayer of a Girl Meets Texas without a bull ride, or that it’s “Riley’s fault” there was a bull ride. Riley’s not real. There’s a bull ride because it was written that way. But the way they get to that plot point is, in my ever intense opinion, worth a closer look--especially because you don’t have to squint much to see it all as a piece of a much larger puzzle re: Riley and Maya learning to be combinations of light/dark and dreamer/realist rather than dichotomous extremes, entirely aside from the fact that in this case it’s got to do with Lucas. 

[angelicspaceprince]

Saving Loki

Author: Anna

Title: Saving Loki

Pairing: Gabriel/Reader

Character/s: Gabriel, mentions of various other characters.

Word Count: 5, 047 words (sorry not sorry)

Warnings/Tags: PTSD, sadness, spoilers for Gabriel’s return, fluff, Gabe can’t talk. That’s about it.

Summary: When Gabriel returned from God knows were and ended up on your front porch, you knew the road ahead was going to be tough, but you knew that out of everybody on this planet, you were the best person to bring him back to health, or as close as he’d possibly get.

Notes: Thanks to @thewhiterabbit42 for letting me bounce ideas with you, even though the conversation was short. This is mostly midnight ramblings because my new meds have given me insomnia and nothing was on telly, and I go back to uni on Monday. Hope y’all enjoy!

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Saving Loki

 ~~~

“Brokk grunted and produced an awl, a pointed spike used in leatherwork, and he jabbed it through the leather, punching holes through Loki’s lips. Then he took a strong thread and he sewed Loki’s lips together with it.

“Brokk walked away, leaving Loki with his mouth sewn up tight, unable to complain.

“For Loki, the pain of being unable to talk hurt even more than the pain of having his lips stitched into the leather.” – ‘Norse Mythology’ by Neil Gaiman, page 50.

You don’t know how Gabriel escaped wherever he was trapped. You don’t know where he was taken, who took him and how they took him, but they did, and it was evident that they pulled a number on him.

Lips sewn shut, his eyes void of the light that shone mischief and adoration whenever they turned to you. His injuries where easy to heal, the physical ones at least. He was jumpy, if a door was shut too loudly or a sudden noise occurred, he would shoot up in the air. If you spoke in anyway besides a low whisper, he’d look at you in fear, something you certainly weren’t accustomed to. The one time you pulled out a knife, he went into a full-blown panic, locking himself in the closet for an hour, which you spent sitting outside talking to him softly in an attempt to calm him.

Can archangels even get anxiety? It was clear through his actions that he had some form of PTSD, and although you have no knowledge of what occurred you could tell what happened was far from pleasant. The reason you didn’t know what had happened?

Gabriel refused to let you unstitch his lips.

The one time you attempted, he tried to escape your house at the sight of the scissors you had placed out; which, in hindsight, was probably the worse things you could have had in your possession at the time. Making a dash to jump out of the window, then leaping over the couch when you ran over to him to make a run for it out the front door. You managed to get him in a circle of holy fire, which set him off even more as you put away all things that even remotely looked like a weapon and entered the ring to console him. He wouldn’t let you touch him, which was unusual. You had to rely on your words and body language to reassure him into a state of calm and you weren’t gonna lie, it was hard.

You can remember the state he was in when you came home three weeks ago. Gabriel had been missing for months and you never once thought he had upped and left, but you were concerned what had happened to him. Walking up the stairs with your shopping, you noticed a huddled form laying by your front door. The hair, although longer than you remember and unwashed, was the first give away that it was your angel. But when you turned him over, the face that greeted you was anything but the face of your long-term boyfriend. Bloody, bruised, broken. And those awful stitches in his lips. You all but dragged him and got to work healing his face, him a shell as you worked around him. Then the scissors came out. You had never seen such fight in a man, much less him, and definitely not towards you. The realisation that he thought you were an enemy, there to hurt him, hit you like a ton of bricks. You can remember the feeling of utter dread and heartbreak as the realisation set in and followed by the sudden thought that you couldn’t let him leave the house. Whoever did this could be after him.

The only way to keep him was to trap him. It destroyed you to do it, but you had to. You lost him once, you can’t lose him again.

But he still was a shadow of the man he once was. He communicated in nods and hand gestures, having nightmares daily in complete silence. Needing to sleep at least eight hours daily was new, but you figured it was a part of the healing process. You did so much research on PTSD to find a way to, at the very least, get him to trust you again even if it was to unstitch his lips. You were a witch, and a damned good one too, but you couldn’t find a single spell that could a) undo the psychological injuries done to your archangel, b) remove the stitches without causing a panic attack and c) get him to snap out of flashbacks without causing him even more distress. So, instead, you set up silent alarms to alert you if he was going back into a phase so you could be ready if he needed help.

It tore at you that he always made sure to be on the opposite side of the room, and if you had to approach him you had to do it like you would a wounded animal. You sang quietly whenever he was in the room but avoiding you, in the hopes it would keep him calm around your presence.

Weeks, it took, before you made your first break through.

You had just returned from a supply run, and from meeting up with two hunters that were two towns over who were struggling with a minor case three hours away. You had been gone way longer than intended and had rushed home to make sure Gabriel was okay.

The silence that greeted you as you entered the house was deafening, but had been this way ever since Gabriel’s kidnapping, even post his return. The most you got out of him were small whines of distress and the occasional grunt of thanks when you gave him fresh clothes, changed the bed, cleaned up after a panic attack of his or made sure he had the first shower. The silence, however, would always fill you with dread.

You learnt pretty early on not to announce your arrival, loud noises were still really hard for him. Instead, you’d walk pass all the doors, knocking on them softly until you got a response, letting him know you were home.

This particular day, however, you walked around your house knocking on all the doors that Gabriel was usually in. Not a sound. Dread became panic as you still couldn’t find him. He didn’t have any mojo whatso ever, leaving him defenceless, and he was still incredibly weak.

Rushing down the stairs, you start looking in all the closets and hiding places he may be before a small crash from a forgotten door shocks you to realise you had, in fact, not looked everywhere.

Pushing the door open, you see a slightly startled Gabriel staring at the wooden posts you had left laying in the sunroom that had slowly become a storage room. You breathe a sigh of relief, letting your boyfriend know you were present. He looks ready to bolt as he expects you to become angry at the broken bowl at his feet, it was clear he had been attempting some form of ritual or spell.

“Are you okay?” Is the first thing that comes out of your mouth. It takes a minute but he nods slowly. “Okay, do you want me to clean this up?” He looks puzzled, another facial expression that was new but a now common one, whenever you didn’t react the way that he expected. He shakes his head before pointing at himself. “Okay, I can get you the stuff to clean it up.” He seemed to relax at that, and then you realise that this was the most relaxed you’d seen him since his return. Sure, he was still tense, but he wasn’t looking for an escape. In comparision to the way he had been, you could call it almost peaceful. Smiling, you come back with newspaper, dustpan and broom and a bag, approaching carefully to give to him. He didn’t even hesitate to take it from you, fingers brushing against your wrist, all to familiar and all to missed electric shocks through your system. You move to sit in one of the wooden chairs in the room.

When you bought this place, you and Gabriel had decided to move in. You had been staying on university campus, where you met the love of your life who was working as a janitor and needed to find a place. Fast. When this beautiful home came up on the market, you immediately fell in love, but the price tag attached was too high and you knew it the moment you walked through the front doors. So, to your surprise and delight, Gabriel went out and bought it for the two of you. You had originally planned to make the sunroom a garden of sorts, with lots of pot plants and a small area for sitting and relaxing. That, however, never happened and the room slowly became more of a storeroom than anything else. Gabriel would always say he could snap his fingers and the room would become what you had intended, with your belongings stored somewhere safe, but you had always insisted on doing it the human way. Which, of course, never happened.

An idea suddenly appears in your mind when Gabriel begins to place the shattered glass that really was only used for spells in dire circumstances on top of the newspaper.

“You know how we always intended this room to become a garden?” You inquire. His head cocks, acknowledging your statement as he strains to find a memory of the many conversations and one particularly nasty and useless argument you had over the room. Finally, he nods. “What if we finally did that? Then, if you are feeling stressed or anxious, you can come in here and just relax?” He seemed to ponder over the idea. “It’ll be your room, the one where I won’t come in unless you ask.” That seemed to persuade him and he nodded enthusiastically. “Okay, when you are ready for the stitches to come out, and to go out to the nursery, we will do it.”

That, you knew, was cruel. Gabriel could barely handle being touched, and you knew the stitches were a sensitive subject. But you a) couldn’t go out with his face looking the way it did, and he hated anything covering his head and b) the longer the stitches were in there, the higher the chance of infection became. You had to try to convince him to get them out.

The panic seemed to set in as he looked over to you, eyes clearly how distressed he was. You looked down at him before moving to crouch beside him. “I know you don’t want them removed, but Gabe, they aren’t good for you. I know they cause you pain, I see that every day. If you keep them in any longer, I’m scared they are gonna get infected and then I’m going to have to take you to the hospital because I wouldn’t know what to do. You know I love you. And you know I don’t want to cause you pain. But they need to come out.” You can see that your mini speech got through to him a little. All you want to do is hold him and reassure him that everything would be alright, but that would not be appreciated. “Do you need to be alone?” You ask quietly. He automatically shakes his head as he wraps up the bowl and places it carefully in the bag before handing it to you. You stand, which he mirrors.

“Can you just…think about it, please?” He nods carefully. “That’s all I ask, love.”

Two weeks later, he approached you with a kidney dish, a sponge that automatically provides you with disinfectant, a pair of tweezers and a pair of small scissors, with a small note. ‘Take them out.’

Three hours later, and a lot of reassurance, later the stitches were out. Two days later, he claimed to be ready to go to the nursery. Surrounded by the flowers, shrubs and trees he genuinely looked happy and at home. Not that you could know for certain.

He still refused to talk.

You didn’t expect him to become the chatty Cathy he was prior to being taken away, but you expected some kind of verbal response. All you got was whimpers and the occasional moan during flashbacks and nightmares.

But that didn’t matter right now. He will talk when he’s ready. But, this was important, he was out and he hadn’t needed to escape to calm down.

You purchase an unholy amount of plants and materials ready for the sunroom, and you turned around to find him gone. Panic sets in as you look around, trying to figure out where the hell he had gone so you could coax him home if he needed it.

But, he hadn’t gone far. Seeing your panicked demeanour, one of the assistants moved into help you find him. The both of you cracked a smile when you found him.

There, plastered up against the cake display unit, was your archangel. Shaking your head, you thank the girl who helped you.

“I can tell he loves his sweets.” She teased lightly.

“Yeah,” the grin on your face took over your entire face as you look over at him, “he really, really does.”

You give him more time by, with the girls help, moving your purchases to your car before returning, approaching him slowly. “Well, it’s good to know your love of all things sugary hasn’t left.” You tease gently. The smile he sends your way was a glimmer of the charming and mischievous one he once gave you. “Would you like to grab a couple to take home?” He doesn’t even hesitate. He nods enthusiastically. “Pick out however many you like.”

You ended up leaving with all of them, and an ice cream each.

~~~

The sunroom ended up looking stunning, with a mix of colours, with green taking over the majority of the room. Seven years, eight months in the making and the room was everyting you pictured and more. Flowers, loud and proud, take over a major part of the room but a small garden with strawberries, lettuce and tomatoes in a corner caused you to smile a little. The final touch was a swing, egg shaped chair for him when the attacks set in. As promised, the moment the room was complete, you didn’t step a foot in or near the door, leaving him to his own space. He spent most of his time in that room, stressed or not. He seemed to respect that, and occasionally invited you in to read in the garden with him.

It was weeks later that you brought up the subject of his wings. “They haven’t been groomed in, what I suspect, nearly a year. I just want to make sure they are okay. And you can’t check yourself.” He immediately rushed to his sunroom, and you dropped the subject all together. It wasn’t until six days later, he brought you into the sunroom and gave you a small piece of paper.

‘If I’m in here, I don’t think I’ll freak out. My wings, they aren’t the same. But they cause me pain, and I know you can help me. But please, promise to be gentle?’ You look up from the paper and lock eyes with his golden ones.

“Of course I’ll be careful.” You promise. He nods, lips tightly pressed together before he covers his eyes the pointing to you. Obeying his instructions, you close your eyes tightly to let him show his wings. A small tap on your forearm causes you to open your eyes, but the sight you see causes you to gasp.

The once pure white with golden highlighted feathers were dulled considerably. Parts of his wings looked broken, and they seemed to twitch in fear and recoil as you approach. Patches looked dry, like his oil glands had been clogged or damaged. Rotting, broken feathers litter his wings, and large areas look black and in a state of decay. You nod.

“Do you want to do it all at once, or in sections?” He holds up one finger, the first option. You indicate to the floor. “Why don’t you face the garden so I can get to work?”

He moves to sit on his knees, and you move to sit behind him. He tenses when he hears you approach. You stop. “Hang on.” You instruct as you rush back to the kitchen, pulling out the biggest tub of ice-cream from your freezer and a large spoon from the drawer before moving to grab a massive bowl of water and several towels and a large bag, ready to dispose of the rotting wings. You make your way back, making sure to approach more from the front than the back.

You place the ice-cream in front of him. “Two things you love, sugar and nature.” You tease gently, placing the remainder of your stuff next to him before grabbing the latest book he had been reading, passing it quietly. Finally, you kneel behind him, the closest you had been to him since he arrived on your front porch. Both of you were on edge. “I need you to spread one of your wings, Gabe.” You murmur quietly. It takes a second, and a ton of whimpering, but the left wing spreads obediently.

The amount of work is incredible and almost overwhelming. You move to work on the most important part, the decaying feathers. You wait until you hear Gabriel munching away at the ice-cream before you start, pulling gently at the rotting feathers. A few were still intact in the wing, which was shocking but you managed to remove them with minimal fuss. They automatically make their way to the bag. The stench was incredible, and the more you work the more the worse it seems to get. But you work through it.

You finally find out the cause of the dry feathers. The oil glands had, indeed, been blocked by the rotting feathers and stuff that you couldn’t even begin to identify. You quickly and with an attempt at minimal pain, remove one of the feathers blocking the glands. The overflow of oil was revolting, the smell itself nearly knocked you out and the colour was milky instead of clear. You quickly move to grab the damp cloth and start wiping away at the oil until it appeared clear and was odourless before repeating the process with all the other glands, the sight and smell seemingly getting worse the more you worked until you finally reached the final one, which had an opaque and thick oil ooze out of it as you slowly worked to get all of it out of the gland and out of the feathers.

When you finished, you moved on to the final step. Removing all the loose, broken and fallen feather that had been caught within the wing. The process was quick, and you knew that they were causing him discomfort and itchiness. When you finally finished, you take a step back and look at your handiwork.

The wing looked much better. Still at an awkward angle (that you had discovered that it had, in fact, been broken and healed in a bizarre and no doubt unpleasant position, but you were unable to do anything about that), the wing had bald patches where all you could do was remove all the feathers in sight, but they’d grow back in time. Although the wing still looked dulled, the sheen thanks to the oil gave it a glimmer of what it used to look like. No blackness or decay and definitely no smell.

The bag you had brought in was overflowing with feathers, and the water you had was murky and disgusting. You stood to grab another lot of cloths, fresh water and a new bag when you noticed three things. One, Gabriel had already devoured all the ice-cream and completed his new book, two, his right wing was relaxed and had expanded, twitching no longer occurring and three, he was fast asleep.

You smiled. The amount of trust you had gained over the last few months was finally beginning to show. He showed no signs of nightmares, in fact he looked at peace and almost, dare you say it, angelic. You move to run your hands through his hair, smooth and soft strands gliding through your fingers effortlessly. You knew the second wing was going to be much worse, and you knew you had spent more than four hours on the first but it was worth it just to see for a few moments that he was beginning to trust and be more comfortable with you.

By the time you returned, he was awake and a new pile of books appeared at his side. He looked up to you, a small glint of what you could only describe as happiness shone through his eyes. You smile at him gently, which grants you a small twitch at the corner of his mouth which lead to a small, genuine smile.

“Ready to get started on the right one?” You ask as you move to kneel behind him.

So that’s how you spent the rest of the afternoon. You working diligently on his wing, humming human and angelic lullabies that Gabriel had taught you, him reading book after book, both of you relaxed and carefree in your own little bubble as if none of this had ever occurred.

When you finally finished, you smooth your hands over the top ridge of his wings, moving along them both to find any other inconsistencies you may have missed. Both of them looked a lot better and were fully extended, almost with confidence as they knew you weren’t a threat. “All done.” You inform, standing as you gather the feathers ready to burn them outside.

“Thank you.” You almost jump when you hear his voice for the first time in over a year. Hoarse, barely a whisper. But it was there. “I…I love you.” He managed to get out. You smile over at him.

“I love you too. And you’re welcome.” You move out the door, leaving Gabriel in a state of calm as he puts away his newly cleaned wings, standing to follow you with the rest of your stuff. He looks back over at his garden before smiling softly. He never once was scared when you worked on him. And, out of everything that had happened, that gave him confidence that he was, in fact, healing. He quietly shuts the door before leaving the house to your side as he watches the evidence of his trauma to his wings burn away.

One step at a time.

~~~

You woke with a start, the nightmares of Gabriel being tortured at the hand of faceless demons, archangels and Princes of Hell causing your stomach to drop and harden in panic.

You took a few deep breaths, trying to recenter yourself. The nightmares had become a regular occurrence since Gabriel arrived and you had slowly pieced together what had happened to him. You had gotten yourself into a routine as a result.

Breathe.

Recenter.

Splash cold water over your face.

Have a drink.

Try again to fall asleep.

You groan as you sit up, ready to move into the ensuite to complete your ritual before returning to bed. The cool water makes your hot, sweaty face feel clean and refreshed. Drying your face carefully, you look around for the glass you kept near your sink only to remember the events that unfolded the day before.

You were expected the boys to come along with the details of a hunt they were struggling with, wanting your input. You and agreed that there was some form of witchcraft involved, but there also seemed to be some kind of animal-like attacks occurring at the same time. They were hoping your input would assist with figuring out the case.

You had, unfortunately, no time to warn Gabriel. One look at Castiel and he was gone, ran straight to your room where everything and anything that was breakable ended on the floor in pieces. Including your glass in your bathroom.

The violent outbursts were rare, and never scared you; and to be perfectly honest, you were almost chuffed that he found comfort in your room. It was a step. But explaining to the boys what had occurred without giving too much away, and explaining why you didn’t call them? That had been a challenge. You got them to leave the details of the case and got them out of the house before rushing up the stairs to your boyfriend. He was hidden in the far corner of your bathroom. Carefully, you walked in, mindful to leave all the doors open for a quick getaway in case he needed it. You sat down opposite him, making sure he could see all of you as you talked in the quiet voice that he seemed to find solace in, telling him stories of your life before meeting him, most of which he had heard and a couple he hadn’t. It took two hours, but eventually, he was calm enough to move to sit next to you, arms and legs ghosting next to yours. He gently took your hand and squoze it firmly before letting go, standing up and leaving to grab a dustpan and broom. A silent thank you.

You smile slightly at the memory. Any progress is progress, even if it occurs just after a massive jump backwards. You were happy, at least, that since you worked on his wings he definatley was speaking more. His voice not use to being used was often scratchy, hoarse and quiet, but every day you heard his voice you rejoiced.

You discovered that every time he spoke he always made sure to say that he loved you, and was always antsy until you responded in kind. You figured that he thought that either a) you didn’t know or b) he didn’t say it enough before he was kidnapped, and he was making up for that and for the lost time where he was mute. He had made so much progress, the only thing that occurred now was he was extremely jumpy with loud noises. And the occasional nightmare which sent him running to the sunroom, which he now informed you that you were allowed to come and go as you pleased. You still gave him his space and only went in when you felt you needed to, but to know you were allowed in his space let you know that he was clearly on his way to a more or less complete recovery.

So, quietly so not to disturb your sleeping archangel, you make your way down to the kitchen to grab a new glass. On your trek back up, a slight glow from the sunroom drew your attention.

Being mindful not to scare off whoever or whatever was in there, you entered the once barely used room carefully. The sight that greeted you caused you to smile softly.

Old bed linin had been taken from the linin press and had been thrown haphazardly into what appeared to be a blanket fort, with the fairy lights you had bought last Christmas lighting up the multicoloured fort softly. You get on your knees softly and slowly move forward to look inside.

Sure enough, there in the mountain of pillows surrounded by the gently glowing light, was your boyfriend, breathing softly. It was the calmest you’d seen him in a long while, the light reflecting off his face making him look, well, angelic.

You shift, moving to sit more comfortably whilst being mindful not to touch him, the peace that he was obviously feeling washing over you. It was the first time in a long time that you could just sit, with no worries, no pain and no monitoring his every move for signs of an attack of any kind.

You miss him, even though he was right in front of you. You couldn’t just go up and snuggle next to him like you used to, and you couldn’t initiate a prank war with him anymore. But it was times like this that made you realise that that was all okay, it didn’t matter anyway. Because he was safe.

Bright golden iris lock with yours is what shakes you from your thoughts when you realise that Gabriel was, in fact, awake.

“Sorry.” You offer quietly as you move to get out of his safe space only for a hand on your calf to stop you.

“Stay.” His hoarse voice barely audible as the plea leaves his lips. “Please?” You can feel his nervousness in the air, its thick and it nearly chokes you as you breath in.

“Of course. Of course, I’ll stay.” You motion to him, “How to you want me?” He tugs lightly at your arms, pulling you closer to him until your laying down parallel to him, his eyes locked into yours as you absentmindedly push a strand of hair that you had yet to convince him to cut out of his face and tuck it behind his ear. The small smile he gave you was enough to send your heart soring, relief pooling in your system as he grabs your hand and holds it to his chest tightly.

“I love you.” Was the last thing he said before his eyes close. The only thing that let you know that he was alive was the ever-beating heart in his chest and you realised that, out of everything that you had lost, these were the moments you had gained, and you never wanted to lose. Where you knew that nothing could harm you.

Sure, you couldn’t joke around as you once could, and he rarely spoke, but he was safe. You both were going to be okay.

And tucked away in the small fort located in the barely used room, locked away from the rest of the universe, that’s all that matters.

[honeykngdom]

What's happened? What post has a bunch of notes and why are people sending you nasty messages? 😞

Tbh, I wasn’t gonna reply to this, and I’m still contemplating whether this is a good idea, but I had way too much on my mind and I needed to say this. 

I’m putting this under a read more because I don’t need this opinion of mine taking off like that last one, but I hope that my followers take a moment to read this because it’s really important to me and several others within our fandom. 

This is another shitpost, this is very long, and this is strictly my opinion. 

IT WAS A SHITPOST WITH VERY MINIMAL THOUGHT PUT INTO IT, BUT RAISED A GOOD POINT NONETHLESS. 

Pretty much someone’s like vs reblog ratio made me snap one afternoon; I had previously been talking to a few other content creators (writers, photographers, artists, etc) within the Riverdale Fandom specifically about how they’re struggling to get noticed/get their work out there because of the lack of exposure (in Tumblr’s case, this would be reblogs). I hadn’t meant for the post to go past my circle of followers tbh, and this past weekend its almost tripled in note size (started at just over 2400 saturday morning - we’re at over 6000 today, and still growing). Suddenly, I’m the worst person in the world for having this opinion and saying something (which, by the way, is the opinion of the majority). 

Regardless of how many people wasted their time harassing my blog/inbox/IM, the majority is still 80/20 in favour of people reblogging posted works because common courtesy trumps everything always.  

I’m completely done with this site and these people. “We don’t owe you anything.” You’re absolutely right, you don’t owe me - or anyone else -  anything. You’re not obligated to reblog peoples work, you’re more than welcome to continue to like it (or not, whatever works for you), I never said you couldn’t do that. But likewise, as a content creator writing/releasing for YOUR viewing/reading pleasure, regardless of whether or not I enjoy writing for myself (which, I obviously do), I’m not obligated to post my creations or share. ** Bad Omen can sit in Docs for the next 20 years, and I’ll keep writing it, but that doesn’t mean I have to post chapters anymore, and that would suck for everyone. ** No one has to draw you cute things about/involving your OTP, or make gifs for your fandom for your enjoyment/viewing pleasure, no one is entitled to give anyone anything on either side of this argument. 

Content creators post because we wanna share what we did. We did a thing, and we are damn proud of that thing, so we decided to share. That in of itself takes a lot of guts for some people. Sharing what I write still gives me anxiety, as I’m sure it does for a lot of people, so please don’t kid yourself into thinking that those in favour of this argument are all here being entitled and demanding. People are literally asking for a reblog and some exposure. I took the time - out of my free time - to make something I thought others would enjoy. Insinuating that if we don’t have enough traffic on our posts/if we feel the need to complain for more activity on our blog, then our content must not be good, is an incredibly arrogant and ignorant statement to make. Period. I’m sorry if my post offended you, I’m sorry if you think people are too ‘bitchy’ or ‘whiny’, as some people have put it. Tumblr would be a pretty lame place without creators sharing their work for the remainder of the fandom to enjoy, and that’s a fact. 

Imagine this: waking up tomorrow and no one posted anything original for a whole week. No new gifs, no new stories, no new original content for you to enjoy. Idk about you, but as someone that thoroughly believes in supporting others work, my dash would be pretty boring and bone dry. 

In terms of sfw/nsfw posts, aesthetic blogs, rp blogs, underage bloggers, etc: 

I understand what it’s like to run a blog (I am currently doing so, so I am up to date and aware of what that means, ya feel?). I have run several over the years, of all variables. Much like I understand that I have an audience to cater to, I understand that all of you do as well. There are some blogs run by people (like myself) with the intent of releasing/reblogging content for viewers to enjoy. There are blogs run by people that reblog for themselves, bc it’s their blog and it’s just for them. Both are completely okay. I have had someone (incredibly close to me) come forward and agree with that I had said, but remind me that they lean towards OCD tendencies and that their blog/colour scheme is presented in a specific way, and that is why they had only liked that OP, and not reblogged it. There are people unwilling to put NSFW content on their blog bc it’s a safe space, etc etc. I’m not disagreeing with anyone’s reasons as to why they don’t reblog everything they like. 

I said if you liked something, and you thought others might like it to, then it wouldn’t hurt to reblog - and I never said it had to be everything that you liked. I still stand by that that statement. It benefits everyone. People make connections this way, people make friends this way, people find something to help bring them out of dark places in their head, either by reading/admiring art, or taking the time to create something that distracts them. Getting into a different head space is necessary for some people, and this is really important to consider and understand.  

I’m not entitled for speaking out for those who can’t and won’t because people (like the anons in my inbox) would likely drive some people off of this site. One of the first comments in response to the post had been that there were people struggling to get 100 notes on their work, and that I wasn’t in any position to speak out on the topic. Here is my counter: my blog is a high traffic blog, and my follower platform is fairly large so I know I’m talking to a lot of people right now. But I also have pretty thick skin so I don’t mind being the voice every once in a while, and I thought about deleting the OP but why should I? Nothing I said was false. Nothing I said was inaccurate. Nothing I said targeted any one specific person, so I don’t know why some people are taking it so personally. I didn’t say the example used in the OP was mine, I wasn’t ‘bitching’ about 500 notes, I was speaking out on behalf of my author and artist mutuals/friends. I’m not being ‘ungrateful’; I’m constantly blown away by how supportive my platform is, I don’t think there’s anything I could say or do to show you guy how much I appreciate each and every single one of you. I just don’t understand why it’s so difficult for people to just consider this topic as a common courtesy thing. Ex. don’t make people wait on you (ever, this is my biggest pet peeve, I have an entire video rant I did a year ago on this), don’t cancel last minute, don’t be a no show, use your manners (please and thank you still go a long way in today’s day and age), support content creators. (And if you’re gonna come into my inbox upset about my common courtesy examples, then gtfo. Everyone should have manners, like y’all weren’t raised as barbarians, I’m almost positive about that.)

FYI: If you’re struggling to get recognition/notes/support with your work (art, writing, edits, etc) then my post is about you because reblogging helps you. I’m not picking a side, I’m not talking about me, I’m simply a (loud) voice. 

You do not get to go into someone’s inbox, or comment on someone’s shitpost, and tell them what kind of a person they are based on an assumption. And you most certainly do not get to do that to me. I know what kind of person I am. I know I have my flaws, and I know that I can be really blunt and straight-forward, and I know that scares a lot of people. But I’m also really kind, and empathetic, and believe in karma. Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. I get a lot of support and kind words and feedback on my writing, and I like reciprocating and giving that back. I’m a very big believer in supporting content creators, because at the end of the day, what we do? Is hard. 

Working media programs for image and video manipulation? Hard. Working with crappy colouring and low quality content to create an edit? Hard. Stringing together words that both create mental visual images and piece together to tell a story? Hard. Drawing accurate depictions of characters? Hard. 

I was in an Arts program for high school. I graduated from that program with a double major and a minor (red seal certified), honors in English, and with a business certificate of endorsement. I have friends from every place on the arts spectrum. Believe me when I say that what we do is not easy; it is time consuming, it is exhausting, and I can guarantee there is no one more excited about our work than ourselves, and we are our hardest critiques - but we love sharing what we do with everyone else.

So no, I don’t believe it’s a far-fetched idea that people LIKE receiving recognition for something they created. What a concept. 

As for the other content creators on my post talking about how they hate people like me for ‘whining’ - okay, just because you enjoy creating and releasing for the heck of it, doesn’t mean there isn’t someone working off commission and working hard to get themselves out there. As someone who’s interested in pursuing an actual career in this field, I have a very strong opinion about this topic. We all start somewhere. Being in this field of work (the arts specifically), whether you’re looking to make money or otherwise, is exhausting, time consuming and emotionally/mentally draining. It’s not a far-fetched or improbable idea that someone starts their career for their passion here, by creating a foundation and platform for their work, and putting themselves out there. Again, if you wanna post for the sake of posting, congrats, you do you, I don’t have anything at all against you; I’m still gonna support you bc that’s who I am and what I think is right. Personally, as a content creator, I feel pretty good when I attract new readers/followers bc the content I reblog/post interests them. 

I don’t need validation. I don’t need encouragement. I don’t need any of the above; I’m very good at what I do, I’m very confident in that, but I understand that not everyone is, and sometimes a little goes a long way, y’know?

And then ofc I have the odd person/reply that’s talking about advertising and comparing the example I used in the OP to statistics and how 485 likes to 34 reblogs is normal in terms of exposure - homie, this is Tumblr. This isn’t Marketing 101. My work is not ADVERTISEMENT, it’s original RELEASED CONTENT. There is a big difference between the two. 

Basically, I said sharing is caring and y’all are offended and mad at me. Drink a Kool-Aid Jammer and simmer down, sisters. 

[man-i-dont-know]

BNHA Chapter 175 & 176: Thoughts and Spoilers

Hello, I am back. Sorry the last couple weeks were busy. Anyway, I am really loving these two chapters so lets get right into it.

Preparation for the festival continues, and Deku still really can’t dance. We see a cute Eri and by now y’all probably decided that it was Aizawa doing her hair, and I agree (the dudes got some long locks himself, he knows how to do hair I can guarantee that). The class has made some serious progress and they are all nervous/hyped for the festival. Then a little bit of plot happens, Deku realized some of the ropes that will support the disco bal- ahem - Aoyama, are frayed and they need new ones. Deku says he’ll go out and get some new ones after his morning training (nothing will go wrong I’m sure). Kaminari notes that Deku will be cutting it close with training, shopping and prepping for the festival. So finally, the day of the festival arrives.

Hatsume hasn’t slept or bathed in a week and runs out into the woods to find Deku to give him his modified gloves (and damn they are stylin’). The sytlin’ aspect is actually something Mei consciously had in mind when she made it, which amazed me because all of her previous “babies” have been just straight up robots, but this time she had Deku’s hero costume in mind when she developed it. Mei is going to be a top-class hero support... uh.. person? Is there a title for it? Engineer? Something like that.

Deku is running a tad late because he was working with the gloves so much, but now he is going to get the ropes. He passes some of the festival which is nice to see that it is all coming together. He falls even further behind because the store he was thinking of was not selling any ropes that would work. At precisely 8:30, Deku bumps into two very suspicious individuals coming out of an alley. This oddly... gentle... individual diverts his path away from Deku and mentions something about a high-end brand of tea. Deku recognizes the brand as the one Momo so graciously served Class 1-A the other day. The mention of tea got this suspiciously suave individual’s attention and started a conversation without thinking. Then, legitimately, the scene gets tense. They start to piece together who each other are. “A high-class student,” “a suspicious character linked with tea,” “a student in the UA area,” “a familiar voice,” “he is a student at UA!” “He is Gentle!” Cue all black panel with Gentle and Deku staring each other down. I loved this sequence for a couple reasons: 1.) neither character is stupid, they’ve deduced who the other is very quickly with minimal interaction, 2.) other shows or stories keep characters in the dark about simple stuff for ages just for tension, whereas here nothing was kept hidden for long, but maximum tension was reached in three pages, 3.) the characters aren’t dumb! I can not stress that enough! God I love seeing characters figure thing out like normal human beings, it is so refreshing to see, 4.) and both characters are taking the other very seriously (more about that later).

Deku then does something that I adore, he asks Gentle to stop. Straight forward and honest, he leaves Gentle open to several options, one of which is dropping the idea and leaving entirely. It also speaks volumes of Deku’s character, despite being a hero confronted with a known villain, his first instinct is a peaceful resolution, not a fight. He does not instigate a fight, such a peaceful kid (despite how freaking crazy he is during his fights). The chapter ends like this, with a small counter saying the performance will take place in an hour and twenty-eight minutes.

The next chapter starts with Gentle admitting that Deku outted him, and Deku checks to see if there are any civilians on the street to worry about. I love that small gesture cause that is something that is typically neglected in stories, bystanders and if they are in harms way. Deku determines that they only thing now is to prepare for a fight. gentle has the same idea, whips off his disguise and tells Brava to start filming and not to stop under any circumstances. Gentle starts with a flourish and poses for the camera, Deku lunges, and basically hits one of those saran wrap pranks where it is pulled across a door frame. This saran wrap however is incredibly elastic and launches Deku backwards at high speeds. Gentle confirms that his quirk is elasticity, which is similar to what I imagined, so I am glad one of my theories was close to the mark. Gentle actually seems very surprised by the sheer force that Deku was launched at, meaning that he doesn’t put any force into his quirk at all, all the bounce comes from outside force (makes sense in this cause Deku was using Full Cowl). The distance that Deku was launched intimidates Gentle, saying that if the kid could withstand that, he must have some serious power behind him. Coming to that conclusion, Gentle and Brava book it.

Deku gets up and chases them further, Gentle sets up a trampoline and bounces Deku into the air so they can get further away. Gentle takes this moment to talk to Deku, saying that he understands Deku’s desire for the festival to go well, but Gentle is prioritizing his attack over the students having fun, which as a villain should be a given, but Gentle doesn’t really give off the villain vibe. Gentle and Brava make another dash for it, and Brava recognizes Deku from the sports festival, saying that he was “the crazy boy who fought by destroying his arms.” Gentle then gives a face of comedic fear, and I love it, Deku’s madman reputation is giving people pause now, I love that he is scaring the crap outta people he hasn’t even meet yet. Something similar occurred kinda recently in One Piece, I might write a post about that later. Anyways, Deku is tumbling through the air. He is remembering a conversation he had with Eri, and how she is looking forward to the dance party (THIS WAS SAID WHILE ERI WAS TRYING TO SMILE AND IT WAS SO SWEET I BECAME PHYSICALLY ILL THEN I LOOKED AT IT MORE). Deku is also remembering helping Jirou compile a load of notes she took for the other band members. She had notes on par to Deku’s hero notes, and Deku was thrilled cause originally he thought Jirou had a favorite hero she wanted to take notes on (Deku’s reaction to this was not like himself, much more like a friend’s though I can’t really place whose, Iida maybe? Either way, friends are rubbing off on each other). It is shown later Tokoyami using those notes, and its implied that Bakugou has already read it, which makes sense with his academic jock vibe.

This is all to show that Deku absolutely can not allow Gentle to get anywhere near to UA. Deku is about to launch a midair attack, remembers his training with All Might and comments about dancing from Mina. This combination allows Deku to fire off an air blast while upside down to stall Gentle. Deku immediately catches up with a Full Cowl jump and sends both of them into a construction site. And that is where the chapter ends, but I’ve got a couple other thoughts I’d like to share.

So there are a couple things I absolutely adore when some elements are included in a story. One of which is recognition. Not like a character starts off well known, but when a character works hard and somewhere during the story you realize, oh crap, this character is really well known now. Deku is getting there and you’ve got no idea how much that hypes me up. The implications of this fight with Gentle could launch Deku even further into the public eye. If Deku defeats Gentle, that will be the first villain Deku took down without help. On top of that, the whole thing will be recorded, meaning Deku will have to learn a lesson or two about camera awareness or at least he has to acknowledge the celebrity aspect of heroing. I would love for Deku to get interviewed or something, maybe we see a new article about him or something. Plus, imagine this: Deku starts to develop a fan club. Of course Eri and Kouta are the founder and president of the club, but imagine Deku getting recognized in public positively (we’re just gonna forget about Shigaraki “recognizing” Deku in the mall). To sum it up, Deku is moving up in the world, and there is some major potential for him to get his name catapulted into the pro-hero world.

The other thing I absolutely love is when opponents recognize each other as strong enemies. Far too often villains are so egotistical that they refuse to see the possibility that their adversary could beat them, even if they have already been beaten. A fight where both sides realize they can lose makes the fight 100x more tense, and this is what is happening here. Gentle is legitimately wary of the strength that Deku wields, and Deku is the cautious type by nature, so of course he too is aware of how this situation could be very bad. A fight between equals is sooooo good. Those are two of things I love seeing in stories, I got a couple others, but those are the ones that apply to this chapter.

That should be about it. Thank you for taking your time to read this whole long thing. I am thinking that I might try to diversify this blog to some other stories as well (anime, movies, etc.), though I have been busy recently so I am not sure how that would work out. I’ll figure it out later. Again, thank you for reading and I hope you have a great day.

[jayankles]

Spread the Love - My Forever Favourite Fics

Remember when I said that I asked y’all to send in your favourite fics of your own or someone elses? 

Your Favourites

Well I think It was high time to tell you mine. I had been planning on doing this a long time ago but I hadn’t gotten around to doing it but now here I am posting this showing all my love to the most memorable stories  have read since I joined this site. So without further a do, below are at least 60 stories that I have loved and thoroughly enjoyed. All have a comment about what I liked about it and if you’re lucky you may be on there twice.

BTW it’s a very long post.

Drabbles

Familiar - @torn-and-frayed  I think about this all the time and have probably read this drabble at least three times. I would have loved for it to be turned into a full on oneshot to get the backstory of Dean and the Reader because the angst is just so enticing you can’t help but want to read more.

Oneshots

The Little Princess - @iwantthedean  Jensen has awesome ways to make it up to his daughter. And a sassy one at that too! Love me some daddy!Jensen.

Even Though - @imagineteamfreewill I don’t read a lot of Sam but I couldn’t help but giddly grin at domestic!sam.

Marry Me - @ravengirl94 *slaps hand down on table* this was the cutest shit I have ever read. It was just so fluffy I could help but read it a second and third time.

Downsized - @deanssweetheart23  I love me some toddler!Dean and I think you captured him perfectly, especially his saucy little grabby hands ;)

Always - @winchestersnco  This monster of a oneshot stands at 20k and it was worth the read. From what I can remember, it shows the journey of the relationship between Dean and the reader, following the seasons from one to twelve.

The Asshole Jock - @thegreatficmaster Nini, your fics just make me smile because your personality shines through and makes them so relatable. I love that you made this a gender neutral so every one could enjoy, definitely made me love you and Dean even more.

Sweet Relief - @winchestersnco  Everyone needs some Nurse!Sam in their life so here you go. It is 10k worth of pure and utter greatness.

Wanted - @jotink78 This cute little oneshot explores Dean and the readers daughter’s feeling about not being planned.

Lost and Found - @little-red-83  This is an angsty Gadreel story that I hope someday gets a sequel or second part because there isn’t enough Gadreel love out there, not that I am aware of anyway, but this story is based on the angels falling in season 9 and it hurts my heart so much because the reader went through changes that she didn’t think could happen.

Eyes Like That - @little-red-83 The may be my absolute favourite Gadreel oneshot ever, it shows a different side of the reader that we are all used to reading or writing. It’s filled with angst and I should be called a monster for loving it but I can’t help it It was written so perfectly that I feel sorry for Gadreel.

The Ladybug and the Cowboy - @avasmommy224 This oneshot has Dean Smith in it and has a plus size!reader. For me, that was a win-win and only fueled my love for Dean Smith.

Trials of Silence - @moonlitskinwalker I read this twice. The second time I read it was better than the first. It was just so well written about the struggle the reader went through after losing her hearing and I was glad that someone reblogged it so I could give it the recognition it deserved.

People Can Change - @kas-not-cas I related so much to this AU story because I’m that chubby nerd that is full of self doubt so I fell in love with it and read it a couple of times through tears of how incredible this whole thing was.

A Darker Shade of Love - @roxy-davenport his was just so hot. It’s a little canon divergent but that is what makes this oneshot so great. It included the struggle that MOC!Dean goes through and the transformation into Demon!Dean what makes it so great.

Hold the Line - @lipstickandwhiskey  At first I was intimidated by the word count but sucked it up and read the shit out of it and thank god I did because it was a fantastic read, I loved the build up of the relationship between Dean and the reader.

The Wish Spell - @emilywritesaboutdean I think this fic was the first that I had read from you and I automatically hit that follow button as soon as I read it. I’m glad someone reblogged it and it came on my dash, so I had the opportunity to read it and follow such a nice person.

Don’t Speak - @demondeanismybaby This oneshot hurt in the beginning because it was so relatable but Dean being the adorable fluff ball that he is saves the day again.

Those Eyes [Part 1] [Part 2]  - @demondeanismybaby The first part gave me mixed emotions; the fact that they got along so well in the beginning then it turned out to be lies. The the end of that, I almost burst into tears with how sucky Dean was. Then that second part, it was just rude I thought that Ashley would make it better but no, she made it worse and didn’t care for my fragile little heart. Thanks for that.

Where Is My Mind - @magicalthoughtsendinterriblefics This was a head fuck from the beginning and it messed me up but I loved it from start to finish.

The Kiss - @iwantthedean What can I say about this? Well, apart from the fact that I have read it about three times already, it was amazingly written with any dialogue yet you have conveyed all the words through the loophole. I adore this oneshot because it gave me my love for Dean Smith.

The Smiths - @kayteonline  I recently found your blog and this fic and I turned into a Dean Smith slut even more. I hope there’s more eventually.

Huddled - @kittenofdoomage  A/B/O wasn’t really my thing until I read this oneshot. I also admire the fact that was reader was a strong character in this and helped Dean out.

The Price You Pay - @kittenofdoomage  My heart was torn out of my chest, multiple times and put back together. The sacrifice that both Dean and the Reader made was perfect and the ending was amazing.

Cross My Heart - @deanssweetheart23 Honestly, I read this oneshot and I was all over the place. I was happy, excited, then it got to a certain part in there and my heart dropped. I was in tears before I had even finished it. But thank god I did. Because I absolutely loved it.

Dee - @percywinchester27  This cute oneshot make my heart melt. I absolutely loved the transitions in it, I adored how Dean automatically went into protector mode. And that beautiful ending just made me love you even more, Ana.

Series

Fantasy vs Reality - @avasmommy224 This Dean AU series where Dean has tattoos just melts my heart. There’s angst, fluff and it is absolutely to die for.

Unexpectedly - @winchesterenthusiast  This is another Dean AU that I love. I mean Dean is adorable and FLEETWOOD MAC! I love them! It’s so perfectly written that I can’t get it out of my head. And just so you know, Kait is also an amazing person so there’s that too.

Private Lives - @katnharper This Jensen series is fantastic, it just reels you in from the start. Each chapter just gets better and better, the deeper you delve and I can’t wait for the next part of it.

https://iwantthedean.tumblr.com/post/146472156396/angeles-master-list Nicole, this series is everything. I loved that it was based on the song Jensen covered. I loved the imagery it created and soon I will have to read it again!

Forward - @blacktithe7 This series is just ripping me apart. It explores real life struggles and it’s not just fluff that doesn’t happen all the time. It is absolutely beautiful, each and every word of it. I also love the battle between Jensen and the Reader but my little Jaybird is too cute to harm and what do you do? Hurt her! I shouldn’t have trusted you.

I Know Your Wife (She Wouldn’t Mind) - @teamfreewill-imagine This Jared, Gen, Reader series just pulls me to the Jared side but the fact that Ditto has Jensen and Danneel as adoptive parents and JJ the coolest little sister. So cute with the right amount of angst and smut.

A Little Thing Called Love - @chaos-and-the-calm67 This Jensen series has been put on hold but I remember when it first came out that it played with my emotions because one minute I loved Jensen then the other I just wanted to hurt him but then again I understood why he did what he did. I can’t wait for the next part whenever that may be.

Series Masterlist - @thing-you-do-with-that-thing So I love way too many fics from Kari so I had to link her series master list. Find the following fics because you will not be disappointed: (DEAN) When You Least Expect It, Strawberry Wine, Kill Zone, Ties That Bind, (SAM) The Blue Beach House, (JENSEN) Living With Regrets. These are literally only a few that I love each series that I read just got better and better as you read the next chapter of each story.

Girls Night - @itswitchcraft-not-googlemaps  I think this series is what made me follow you. I read it and automatically hit that like, reblog and follow button. I’d love to have a friend like Jody and you wrote her so well.

Invisible - @just-another-busy-fangirl This is another amazing series, at times it was frustrating when I couldn’t figure out how the Reader would be seen again! But in the end, love conquers all.

They’re Watching - @daydreamingintheimpala This mystery series fucked me up, it was so good and had me on the edge of my seat as I read each chapter. Also, check out The Donor because it gives you all kinds of Daddy!Dean feels.

Beauty and the Beast  - @imagineteamfreewill This series is one of my absolute favourites. It’s all I can think about, and it just makes me want to watch the original and the new movie all the time as I wait for a new part to come out.

Close Every Door - @jotink78  It started with a shopping trip for a supply run and there are warnings that you have to read because it gets a little dark but Joanie tells an amazing story that captures your attention from start to finish.

The Chaos Theory - @frickfracklesackles  Serial Killer!Sam warning. It’s only the beginning but damn is it a good start to an even better story. Also check out Gasoline (Jensen Series)

Lilies and Zeppelin - @deanscolette This Punk!Dean AU took me on a roller coaster of emotions. It hurt but it was also full of love and hate.

Masterlist -> 62 Minutes - @dean-the-smol-bean Luna has put out a one of the best series I’ve read, she’s so talented and manages the slow burn and the love story between Dean and the reader. Unfortunaly there isn’t a separate masterlist so it leads to the full one – look for 62 Minutes and you will not regret it.

Fresh Start - @like-a-bag-of-potatoes This is an AU series to die for. It shows the story of the reader and Dean before they got together and it is brillant story that has been told.

I See Fire - @plaidstiel-wormstache I read this and instantly fell in love with it. I was pulled and drawn in with the reader and her secret and her special powers. It’s what made me follow you, it was so memorable.

Stroke of Luck - @percywinchester27 This series annoys me because it is so good but on the other hand the SLOW burn makes me want to just get them and smash their bloody heads together. We get the insight of Dean and the Reader’s upbringing together and the significance of the best OFC I have ever had the pleasure of reading.

Balconies - @lipstickandwhiskey This series was a great read, the seriousness of real life situations and the overall greatness of it all just makes me love it again and again everytime I read it.

Dirty Girl - @sis-tafics It’s Demon!Dean that should be enough but I just can’t leave at that because that wouldn’t be fair because the SMUT is just hot af especially with a Virgin!Reader at the beginning.

Our Little Secret - @sis-tafics this ongoing series is great one to read if you are a kinky son of a bitch but underlying all that smut is a plot that will make you love Dean, flaws and all, even more than usual.

The Good Parent - @faith-in-dean  I’m kinda upset that Franzi lost interest in this story because I was loving this rewrite, and Dad!Dean so...

Series Masterlist - @luci-in-trenchcoats  Michelle is just an amazing writer overall, I was struggling to choose only a few of them, but my favourites are; Simple Man, The Firefighter, Frat Boy, Locked In, Spend the Night and Worlds Best Dad. ← and this is just Dean. The reader is just so fantastically written. Dean is a loving and an adorable dork, who wouldn’t want that?

Wayward Daughters - @chelsea072498  I was enamored with this story from the get go. The detail of this story was just so amazing that most of the time, it’s all I can think about. The story of Dean, the reader and Alex is just so entralling that you can’t help but fall in love with it.

Celebrate Me Home - @callmesweetheartifyoumeanit IT’S 75K WORTH OF PURE AND UTTER HARD WORK. Every new chapter that Moz had put out I absolutely loved. She had captured so many different, conflicting emotions. I cried. A lot. Like a baby. But each part got better and better. The deeper you dove into the story the better you learned the characters and how they think and how they feel. And as you read it, it hits you right in the feels, like all the time. I will definitely be reading this over in the near future.

A Perfect Storm - @nichelle-my-belle This series is what made me follow Nichelle. I just loved the twists and turns at every angle. When you threw in the twist about the reader’s father and who she truly was, that freaking got me. Amazing writing.

Mr and Mrs Smith - @purgatoan I love that in the dean x reader series that both of them are hunters and have to hide it from each other and the little detail that the reader has the tattoo first and then Dean gets it and not the other way around

Where It All Began - @supernatural-jackles I have got to tell you. I fell in love with this series as soon as I laid eyes on it. I had saved it in my drafts and did nothing but read it for a week until I had caught up. Then I just sat there waiting for the next update from Jen.

Masterlist - @supernatural-jackles I also put Jen’s masterlist her because I also loved her ‘Meet My Daughter’ series and ‘Hell on Earth’ series, too, but honestly, you should just go and check it out anyway because she has written some of the most amazing fics that I have read in my life. I mean I try not to fangirl but it’s so hard.

Sexy Mutt - @larajadeschmidt13 I’m not really an OFC reader but I love this Dog!Dean x OFC. Dean, in this, is an aborable little pupper who has no clue how he ended up in a human body.

Stay - @larajadeschmidt13 This fic is another Dean x OFC but this time Dean is a professor! You wouldn’t want to miss that opportunity.

Fire and Ice - @huntingandwritingthings I think that this was the first fic that I had read from your blog, I loved that it showed real life struggles and you brought in an aspect from your own life; the reader being french, it was such a great read.

Undeniable Heat - @katymacsupernatural  I am loving this series so far, it has so many twists and turns as you read each chapter and makes you fall in love with Jensen even more.

Daddy’s Little Lovebug - @torn-and-frayed I love this series it had inspired me to write my own series of Daddy!Dean. Little JoJo make your heart melt from the beginning and just gah it’s too cute. Also check out Send the Pain Below, Fragments and With All My Heart

[jjinomu]

Explain the appeal of MeikoLuka to me, I'm all for sapphic ships, but don't really understand this one, even if I like to see it on my dash.

oh BOY OH BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! well let me give u a very brief rundown before i head off to get my blood removed from my body (i know great way to start the day)

edit: ok i said brief but this turned out longer than i expected also im bad at explanations and life in general 

sOO well, meikoluka, depending on the person, is probably headcannoned a lot differently all the time- which is normal as shit since vocas don’t have canon personalities so they’re super flexible etc etc.

in my case, luka’s always been like headcannoned to be like the quiet, reserved, elegent, seductive beauty lady of the group??? she helps out w meiko out with the dishes stuff like that- super domestic u know what i’m saying, but i’ve also headcanoned almost like a closeted pervert hehe (think of that animu character that’s always like…….. quiet and stuff but the moment something remotely dirty or watever is said or seen, like that blush appears and the smile u know u know)

on the flipside, meiko is cool and collected, super charismatic, charming leader kinda type of the group (in animus, she’d be the one with glasses all stern and shit u  knooW WHAT IM TALKIN ABOUT), she’s the one that’s stern and knows how to Do things Properly, but she’s oblivious sometimes, and if she gets any flattery, it really stops her in her tracks and flusters her- or she’ll deny it etc etc.

now together, they form this beautiful gem that is the meilu or lukamei ship!!!! first off, besides the fact that they’re both the adult ladies of the group (well meiko has no canon age but i ain’t gonna say she’s a 3 year old baby- but she might be idk) that expands a lot more potential for more older mature adult kinda things

and by adult things i mean responsibilities ‘’’hypothetically’, like washing the dishes, cooking together, taking the kiddies to school together, voting together lel, doing taxes together, going grocery shopping at 3am together, heck- even drinking together and getting super deep about life and problems (before luka knocks out, because she’s a lightweight- and before anyone screms legal age of drinking is 20 in japan, 18 for us aussies hehe don’t underage drink kids- i thought about this)and i didnt know where else to put this so ignore the messy flow of this response, but since meiko’s vocals are often powerful, while luka’s are often soft- their voices blend together kind of well while also remaining kind of contradictory u know what i mean??? it’s not my favourite pairing vocal-wise (i actually like meiko’s vocals with either of the kagamines the most for some reason- so strong) but i know of originals and covers with them together and it’s still p 👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻 no complaints here hehe

actually since this is getting way too long, i’ll cut it short here and give u a tdlr on how i see lukamei, since there’s an video pretty much portraying them how i see their soft dynamic hehe

ok in this video its like mainly the first two minutes then it kinda gets weird, and along side this video probs also the one that was for meiko’s bday and luka’s in a ribbon ehe- that’s the video that got me into them in the first place hehe

of course!!! this is only just how i see these two gfs!!! to each their own yknow what i’m saying?? i wouldve loved to ramble more and more bc i honestly can write an essay for any meiko ship ever- even if it’s super crack, i could probably pull something out of my ass lbr y’allbut you probably don’t really give a shit so that’s just the basic gist of it!!! please don’t feel obligated to agree with me or whatever, i’m happy you asked and that you’re ok w the pairing (since i do post them kind of often too huu) but i hope that sheds some light on how i see them hehehe