#idk why I took a class I dont care to learn abt

[milkymooshi]

Realizing that I have free will is the most detrimental thing to me rn

[elliereject]

ifhy .1

* in which ellie’s obsession relationship with you begins to sour as your romance with your new boyfriend seems to flourish. it seems she’ll stop at nothing to ensure your happiness, (which you’ll find with her, obviously) even if it means hurting you in the process.

* lowkey obsessive ellie, (I LIKE EM’ A LITTLE CRAZY!), angst + comfort (next chapter(s), infidelity, unrequited feelings yet also mutual pining (just read it like, idk idk I forgot how to do these),lmk if I missed anything!

* im back, ok not really this has been rotting in my drafts forever and I was reading it back and I was like damn I lowk cooked with this. It’s unfinished as of RN but this is only 1/3 of the fic im just splitting it up so u don’t have to wait months,,for it..like my other fics..DONT ASK ME ABT THOSE, cuz I don’t got an answer. IN THE MEAN TIME ENJOY THIS! <3

* mdni (but like if u do wtvr, nothing crazy happens in this chapter)

wc ~ 1.6k

pt. 2 here

Ellie Williams fucking hated you.

Surprisingly, she didn’t at first. In fact, she was in love with you, bordering infatuation.

She had seen you for the first time at the local bookstore before the semester started, you were flipping through a book about time and relativity with a concentrated look on your face. She smiled to herself when she saw you push up onto your toes to reach for another book but to no avail. She took this as an opportunity to walk up to you and reach over your head to grab it, making sure to flex her lean, tattooed arm before placing it in your hand.

Her jade eyes locked on yours and your face heated immediately, you mumbled a “Thank you.” Before scurrying past her to the checkout.

Imagine her surprise when on the first day of classes, she walks into her astrophysics course and sees you, doodling in your notebook with that same concentrated look on your face.

Of course, she sits next to you, flashing that charming smile that has sweat gathering at your hands. She tells you her name then asks for yours and learns about your major, favourite course, and how you’re staying in a little apartment just outside the campus before more students and your professor filed in. You didn’t know why but you just felt so comfortable telling her things, She laughed at your corny jokes and made even cornier ones, and she admired the doodles that covered your notebook and the little duck pen you used.

You didn’t want to speak too soon, but it was safe to say you were harbouring a tiny bit of a crush on her.

Ellie on the other hand, was completely ready to admit it. She felt her love for you grow each second she was around you. Your smile quite literally felt like the sun shining upon her, your laugh made her want to drop her studies of space to pick up stand-up comedy just so she could make it her job to make you laugh. In her eyes, everything you did was perfect. Her thoughts were completely consumed by you, you, you.

And for a few months, things were amazing! You had been introduced to Dina and Jesse and even spent Halloween hanging out with the trio watching horror movies and eating each other's weight in candy. When the holidays rolled around you and Ellie, along with the others, cozied up under some blankets and made fun of cheesy Hallmark movies while she tried her hardest not to interlock her hands with yours even after your pinky brushed against hers for the sixth time.

During finals, Ellie and you organized designated study days that usually ended in giggling at stupid memes on each other's phones or late-night food runs. Of course, there were lingering touches and flirtatious glances here and there but you were too shy to act on it and Ellie would rather die than make you uncomfortable so she kept you just at arm's length. Besides, she knew you were too timid to approach anyone else, so in a way she had you all to herself.

Then, you met him. Some motherfucker whose name she didn’t care to remember. However, she did remember the innate feeling of anger that surged through her body when you gushed to her about him and how he was a history major and the way his glasses framed his face perfectly and whatever the fuck else you found interesting about him.

She nodded and laughed and smiled along with you when you would drone on about him but would excuse herself to the bathroom to tend to the crescent-shaped wounds in her palms from digging her fingers into them so hard.

She tried her best to not show these negative emotions to you because she knew how much you didn’t like when she got mad but fuck was it hard. Especially that one night when you were out with him and you hadn’t replied to her texts in over 5 hours. Man did her drywall take some damage that night.

And when you finally did reply you had completely disregarded her message and went on to boast about the time you had and how gentlemanly he was. All she could do was reply with a dry “sounds like fun🙂” before she went back to throwing a tantrum around her room and tormenting that poor wall…she’d have to remember to buy some spackle before the end of the semester.

Then, there was the time she trekked over to your apartment with some pizza for a surprise movie night and saw the bouquet placed in front of your door. She set the box down to pick up the flowers and read who it was from, her body reacted before she could rethink. She tore the flowers from the beautifully wrapped packaging and stomped on them over and over and over until all that was left were broken stems and tattered petals.

Thankfully, you got home just a few minutes later and missed her outburst. You gasped when you saw the smashed flowers and asked her what had happened, she shrugged and lied easily, claiming it was like this when she got there. She let out a breath when you shook your head and sighed, saying it was probably your next-door neighbor who had always been a bit of a grouch.

She had genuinely thought she was doing a pretty good job of hiding her true feelings for both you and him but it was when you gleefully announced that he was officially your boyfriend she knew she was done for. You squealed and pulled her in for a hug but it felt like her heart had shriveled up into a clump of black coal and woosh like magic, her love for you had turned into something twisted, something possessive.

It was when you invited her over to your apartment to eat dinner with him that she had started considering the idea that you knew she had a crush on you and you were just fucking with her emotions for fun.

How could you start dating, let alone seeing some random ass motherfucker when she was right here! She knew she could treat you better than he could even dream of, she knew everything about you and she’d make it known to you how perfect she was for you, one way or another.

That night at dinner she sat uncomfortably as you fluttered around your tiny kitchen, adding last-minute touches to the spaghetti you made and despite the grumble in her tummy it felt like she had no appetite when she watched the hungry way he looked at you, as if you were a juicy steak and he was a starved wolf.

Once you were finished plating the food and placing it on the table you sat down eagerly and tried your best to mediate the obvious tension.

“Soo uh, Ellie, you’ve been really into watercolour recently right?” You beamed.

“Uh-huh.” She said dryly, twirling her spaghetti around her fork.

“Oh that’s cool, you know watercolour as an art form has been around since Egyptian times! It’s funny to think that like—Cleopatra was painting with water and grapes or something!” He spoke and you giggled like it was the funniest joke in the world. She shot you a look that said really? because she knows she could make a joke that was way funnier, and would expel your real laugh.

“That’s cool. You know how to shut the fuck up?” She mumbled into her bite of spaghetti.

“Sorry?” He asked and you gave her a sideways glance.

She smiled tightly and swallowed before answering, “Just said that’s cool!”

Dinner dragged on as he droned about the history of the Renaissance or fucking Christopher Columbus, she didn’t actually know, she tuned him out. After you cleared the plates, you ushered them into your cozy living room for a movie and when you excused yourself to the bathroom she plopped down on the couch next to him, subtly pulling out her switchblade.

“So, Kevin—“

“Actually my name—“

“I don’t give a fuck what your name is, matter fact I don’t give a fuck about you in general. What are your intentions with ★?”

The man tensed up as Ellie expertly spun the blade around in her fingers.

“Uh—I mean, she seems cool and dating her has been pr—“

“Cool?” Ellie scoffed, “She’s fucking perfect, and I hope you know whatever you have going on with her right now? It won’t last. Soon she’s gonna see you for the limp-ass motherfucker you are.”

He was taken aback, “What?—I’m sorry, did I do something to offend you?”

“Your whole existence offends me.” She rasped, inching her blade closer to his neck. “She’s not meant to be with you.”

He furrowed his brows, “You like her, don’t you?”

Ellie rolled her eyes, “You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.”

Before he could reply you were back from the bathroom and she slipped her blade back into her pocket and got up with a firm grip on his shoulder.

“What were you two talking about?” You asked as you grabbed a bag of chips from your small coffee table and tore into them.

“Oh you know, girl talk.” She smiled, digging her blunt nails into his shoulder. Translation: don’t say a fucking word.

You rolled your eyes playfully like you even had a clue of what was going on, “He’s not a girl, dumbass.”

She shrugged, stepping away from her previous seat to plop down on the other small sofa.

The rest of the night proceeded relatively smoothly, your boyfriend had been so shaken up by Ellie’s words that even with you sitting next to him he kept his distance with worried glances toward Ellie now and then. Ellie crunched on her popcorn happily and watched the movie with a satisfied smile and a chipper aura.

— ★

🤔 shall I put out the second part? only time (and interactivity! 💝 pls don’t let this flop) will tell!

[marsoid]

Hi, I love your work!

I have read almost everything I find online made by you.

I really love Long Exposure, I will have read it I don't know how many times. I love your style so decisive and descriptive.

If you allow me I have some questions from artist to artist. if you had to describe your drawing style or styles similar to yours with one word what would you call it? I have been drawing for 6 years now, I have a semi-realistic style, but I would like to imprint myself more on a style that I define as "cartoon" or "stylized" like yours. How would you recommend that I start approaching a less realistic style? what helped you in the beginning?

TYVM

oh god the style question.. i never know how to answer the style question because i am a believer in the idea that your style is both something that happens naturally AND something you have to deliberately formulate

maybe it's two separate things (im making this up as i go) (aka take w grain of salt) like maybe your "art style" and "artist trademarks" are intertwined but also kind of 2 different things. for the sake of explanation let's assume "art style" is how you deliberately choose to draw, and "artist trademarks" are things unique to your art that you didn't choose to incorporate but make your art YOURS

there's no way for me to explain how or why my "artistic trademarks" are the way they are because they come from my lived experiences or whatever. that's why everyone's art is technically unique even if you're purposely trying to copy someone else's

as for "art style"... i guess mine changed the most in my brief time at art school. my art went from what i would have described as kinda... ATLA/LOK inspired? and then i took a costumed figure drawing class where the point was to stylize/exaggerate the shit out of the figure you're studying. which was cool bc it was the exact opposite of what i had been taught previously, which was "copy figure exactly how u see it"

i also learned that having a "cool style" meant jack shit if your artistic skillset wasn't very strong yet. i think stylized art done well is harder to achieve than photo realism and takes more skill. controversial opinion that u dont have to agree w i dont care but im just trying to say that if you dont like your art rn, the answer might be Get Good and not Change Art Style (i mean this generally speaking too not Just You idk what ur art looks like)....... like personally i feel like my art style hasn't changed too much over the years, i've just improved as an artist (hopefully LMAO) so what you might like abt my art might be less the style and more the fact that i am consciously making an effort to improve by studying. and i still got a longgg way to go because there is no end point, we gonna be studying and ideally improving forever

um so i guess to actually answer ur question "how do i stylize my art" maybe find a photo and exaggerate stuff and try diff things until it makes u go "oh hell yea"

[rothko]

here are some facts from my life that i find endlessly amusing

last year when i got my flu shot i fainted right in the middle of the cvs pharmacy at 8 pm. i was out for like five seconds maybe but that was the first time i ever fainted (yowza!) and also i had so much leftover anxiety from the shot that i just started crying in the middle of the cvs pharmacy at 8 pm

there are two women at my church that are married. they have two children. i was friends w one of their children. at twelve years of age i suddenly realized they were in fact gay and it took me weeks to process and accept this fact

to this day my aunt spells my name wrong and buys me earrings even though my ears are not and never have been pierced. i am almost 19 years of age and she has not learned these two facts about me. also once she sent me my birthday present in august which is five months after my birthday.

when i was younger i stole my sisters ipod touch to play doodle jump while she was hanging out w friends then she came home before i remembered to put it back in her drawer so she was like “damn i lost my ipod :/“ and i felt sooooo guilty so i snuck back into her room and put it like. right in the middle of her bed. didnt even bother hiding it. no one confronted me abt it and no ones mentioned it since

i got locked out of my room multiple times when i was little. this is due to the fact that i locked myself out of my room. why did i lock myself out of my room? idk

once i texted my cousin happy birthday and he didnt text back. this made me irritated. this was the last time i communicated with him. it was six years ago.

at my elementary school every two years i think they would set up this like. jungle gym equipment idk everyone was very excited abt it except for me bc even as a wee 7 year old i was horribly anxious. so i was always very careful and i avoided the stuff that was too hardcore for me and yet somehow every single year id bonk my fucking head on something and have to go to the nurse.

speaking of elementary school a kid in my fifth grade class once peed in the library. i dont mean he like accidentally peed his pants or anything like that. it was a deliberate choice that he made. i think he and the librarian just really fucking hated each other.

[prudnces]

( 𝚟𝚒𝚌𝚝𝚘𝚛𝚒𝚊 𝚙𝚎𝚍𝚛𝚎𝚝𝚝𝚒 & 𝚌𝚒𝚜 𝚏𝚎𝚖𝚊𝚕𝚎 ) + you know 𝘗𝘙𝘜𝘋𝘌𝘕𝘊𝘌 𝘝𝘈𝘕 𝘏𝘖𝘓𝘛, the 25 year-old 𝘗𝘙𝘐𝘝𝘈𝘛𝘌 𝘐𝘕𝘝𝘌𝘚𝘛𝘐𝘎𝘈𝘛𝘖𝘙 that has lived in eldstead 𝘚𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘕 𝘠𝘌𝘈𝘙𝘚? i heard she has a tendency to be 𝘙𝘌𝘚𝘖𝘜𝘙𝘊𝘌𝘍𝘜𝘓, 𝘐𝘕𝘛𝘌𝘕𝘛𝘐𝘖𝘕𝘈𝘓, 𝘋𝘐𝘚𝘖𝘉𝘌𝘋𝘐𝘌𝘕𝘛 & 𝘚𝘜𝘙𝘓𝘠. the 𝘛𝘈𝘜𝘙𝘜𝘚 has equipped 𝘒𝘌𝘠 in time for the full moon.

HI i’m hero, 22, i lov horror movies and no longer have a shudder subscription :pensive: normally i do these on google docs but i’m lazy and prue is Incredibly New so i’m still trying to get the hang of things

name: prudence van holt  nicknames: prue, p age: 25 gender: cis woman pronouns: she/her d.o.b.: april 23, 1995 zodiac: taurus sexual orientation: homosexual homoromantic mbti: isfj - the protector character inspo: wynonna earp, veronica mars, prudence halliwell (mayb i took the name don’t look @ me) aesthetics: a steaming mug of black coffee, deep green woollen sweaters, golden rings and necklaces adorning her, a camera hanging around her neck, the mist of the morning, a deer grazing in the forest, the heavy thud of boots against old hardwood, a grandfather clock striking the witching hour

HISTORY

triggers: child abandonment, car accident (drunk driving), death

prudence van holt’s birth is a mystery-- all she knows is she was dropped off at the fire station in a town outside of seattle, the only identification a baby blanket with her name on it.��

she ends up being adopted by a couple, the van holts, who always wanted multiple kids but could not after their first, a boy. 

growing up, she’s always been a little shit. she doesn’t mean to be. she just has an insatiable curiosity, sticking her nose in other’s businesses, finding lost things, she had a strange knack for it. it got her into a lot of trouble, children had no business sticking their nose into adults’ things. 

her brother never really liked her-- he always resented the fact their parents brought her home, took her in, when they already had a perfectly fine child needing attention. petty things, except it’s sparked a life long sibling rivalry that runs deep. 

it’s a pretty uneventful childhood, her parents are good people, they provide for her, and support her, despite her troublesome antics. 

she’s always been a lonely child, she’s never had the easiest time making friends, so she’s spent a lot of her time exploring the woods near her home. 

she’s thirteen when she discovers her mother, whom she always has written off as simply eccentric, is more than that-- she’s a witch. and a good one, too. her book club meetings she’s often privvy to walking through is more than that, it’s her coven. 

so of course, prue wants in-- how can she not? it’s a whole new world, working under her mother’s wing, driving a wedge further between herself and her brother. she tells her to be careful, to watch her back, that there’s bad people who want to do bad things with the power they wield. it instills a deeper ideal of trust no one in prudence-- one that sticks with her to this day.

and she’s dedicated to the craft! she takes time to learn the different meanings and uses of herbs, flowers, etc., makes potions, cast spells-- perhaps sometimes for personal gain, but she’s dedicated herself to using them to help others. 

she sort of becomes a private investigator in high school, not on purpose, but a friend tasks her to find out if her boyfriend is cheating on her, so tails him, catches him in the act-- gives him a little hex for good measure. 

it becomes a thing, people need something found? they go to her. think their partner is fooling around? they go to her. and she delivers, all with a little touch of magic. eventually, she wants to go deeper, take on more serious cases, but alas she’s only a teenager. 

sike! that doesn’t stop her. and as much as she hates cops, she has an in at the department through her father, so soon she’s not so legally trying to solve murders. 

and that’s all fine and dandy, until just a month shy of her eighteenth birthday, and two months before she graduates from high school, her parents get into a car accident coming home from a meeting one night. a drunk driver swerves into their side of the road, hitting them head on. neither survive. 

it’s that that has her change her mind about college, why go to college when she already knows what she wants to do? life is fleeting, and she’s hurting, so she graduates, and moves to eldstead, a town an hour and half away from her own home. it’s not a big change, but enough for her to have a fresh start. 

she knows something is different about the storm when it hits, that it brought about something... destructive. and she’s inclined to get to the bottom of all of it. it’s in her nature-- she has to snoop. 

she runs her own private investigation that used to serve eldstead and the surrounding area, but now it’s simply eldstead. she makes her own hours, and works alone, because she prefers it that way. 

PERSONALITY 

she’s really closed off-- she prefers to be alone, because of the shit she’s seen, and the people in her life, she just expects to be let down. 

when you first meet her, there’s a chance she’s just going to brush you off. she’s not exactly the friendliest person out there? 

will she be an asshole for the sake of being an asshole? no. absolutely not. but she is unflinchingly honest about her observations, and that doesn’t always go over well. 

very much a ‘do the thing first, ask for forgiveness later type of person’-- doesn’t have a lot of regard for rules that aren’t her own. (*dw voice* that sign can’t stop me bc i can’t read!)

if u do manage to be friends with her, she’s got ur mf back she’s unflinchingly loyal and if you break her trust, you’re pretty much dead to her lol 

TIDBITS 

she has a black cat (wow a witch with a black cat...... groundbreaking) named inkblot (creative, rly), nicknamed inky like the pacman ghost

surprisingly high alcohol tolerance, loves 2 go for a beer or a whiskey at the end of a long day 

lives in cableknit sweaters-- this is the pnw i mean a bitch be cold 

doesn’t really date? she came out when she was 16, and there’s been a couple relationships, but they never really pan out-- it’s always because of her. she doesn’t know how to open up 

swears a lot 

has a pretty good understanding of basic hand to hand combat just in case perps get a little rowdy, took boxing classes for abt 4 years? 

probably an elderly person when it comes to social media, kinda likes to keep a low profile but she also posts a shit ton of pictures of her cat 

INCREDIBLY good at finding lost things-- keys, phones, dogs, u name it she just knows-- and she doesnt know if its the intuition that comes from being a witch or just herself 

prob should join a coven, but shes a lone wolf awoo

prob barks at men idk 

lives off of black coffee, doesn’t rly sleep 

has multiple ear piercings and a couple tattoos but she usually keeps them hidden 

WANTED CONNECTIONS

informant - she gets information from them for her cases, they got a p good grasp 

someone she’s solved a case for - p self explanatory, now they’re friendly enough, or perhaps she couldn’t stand them and did it for the money 

someone who wants to be her friend but she’s weary - tbh shes weary of everybody 

coven adjacent - another witch, maybe theyre trying to get her to band together with them 

drinking buddy - they meet at the bar and shoot the shit 

opposites attract - friend who is nothing like them! but still hangs around! 

someone she feels like she has 2 protect - for whatever reason, even tho they can prob take care of themselves, prue is super fkn protective of them 

a genuine friend - yeah she just needs one idk she’s doing her best 

ex (f/nb) - someone she dated for a little bit but they broke up because of prue’s inability to open tf up 

fwb (f/nb) - ? maybe we all got needs, and she’s not looking for a relationship

attraction (f/nb) - there’s tension and neither know why! 

rival - to paraphrase a tumblr post what is a rival if not a crush you’re unhappy abt 

pure of heart, dumb of ass and lesbian - i just love this trope 

sibling like - someone who she genuinely sees as a younger/older sibling... goes to them for shit... protects them

frenemies - theyre not rly friends but they dont entirely hate each other either? 

tbh anything 

[sim-songs]

“hi, I’m not from the US” ask set

So I wanted to answer all of these, because why not you know? @dreamsongsims now you can learn more about Belgium ;)

It’s under the read more so I don’t clog up your dashboards.

1. favourite place in your country? Honestly my home. I am living in Antwerp right now with the bf and I honestly love it, even though we aren’t really going outside much right now bc of the virus. I do miss the green and the “not city” smell haha

2. do you prefer spending your holidays in your country or travel abroad? I am okay with both. My family always goes on vacations during holidays, the last few years we’ve gone to Thailand for example but I’m more interested in staying closer to home. I LOVE Norway and want to go on holiday there again but it’s expensive.

3. does your country have access to sea? Yes. 67 kilometers of ugly “badsteden” lol (literally means bathing towns). To be honest I like the coast in the Netherlands better because it isn’t as gray and superficial.

4. favourite dish specific for your country? A nice “frietje van de frituur” (french fries), specifically a “frietje speciaal”, that’s french fries with ketchup, mayo and thinly sliced onion.

5. favourite song in your native language? I hate Belgian music, absolutely despise every Dutch song on the radio. But if I have to pick one its Goud from Bazart, it’s an older song by now but it’s one of the few I did not mind listening to.

6. most hated song in your native language? As soon as I read this I immediately thought of Banaan from Jebroer. Just shudders ugh. But really all Dutch songs in this style.

7. three words from your native language that you like the most? I’m gonna paste my earlier answer here: Hmm that's a hard one for me... Gezellig is a word I've always liked bc it doesn't have a real translation, just like cozy or smt. Another one I like is grassprietjes, meaning blades of grass bc it sounds funny and kinda rolls of the tongue and non dutch people will never be able to properly say that! and a third is eenzaam, meaning lonely. I don't really know why I like that one tbh

8. do you get confused with other nationalities? if so, which ones and by whom? I don’t really remember ever being confused for another nationality. I have read that Dutch sounds like German on crack, and that Belgian Dutch is easier than Netherlands Dutch for foreigners.

9. which of your neighbouring countries would you like to visit most/know best? Visit most: France and Germany, I have been to them both already but never for long and a long time ago. Know best: Probably the Netherlands. We share a language after all so we share some cultural things! (Does Temptation Island count as a cultural thing lol?)

10. most enjoyable swear word in your native language? Mmm tough one to answer, because me and my bf are big English speakers so most of our swearing is of the “fuck” variety. I like “godverdomme” (god dammit) and what my dad sometimes says “godverdomme miljaarde nondeju” (there is literally nothing I can do to translate this)

11. favourite native writer/poet? I can’t think of any poets, but I like the writer Valerie Eykmans, specifically the book “Verloren Maandag”

12. what do you think about English translations of your favourite native prose/poem? So I really like “Het Weer” by Hugo Claus, I even have a poster in our living room with the poem in his handwriting.

Weather

How was the weather in the country without you? At first mist fell over the concrete mountains.

Then the sun hung like mist over the mother-of-pearl sand.

Then the sky moved and became clammy as your armpits.

A lightning closed my teeth.

And everywhere the smell rose of the big animals that don't exist

unless in the ringing of your ear, in the rustle of your hair.

That's how it was back there without you. You are the air pressure and the dew and the snow in my skull.

It does not rhyme much in Dutch, it’s more about the rhythm of the words, so as far as the translation goes it’s pretty accurate in it’s contents but the rhythm is definitely off in the translated version

13. does your country (or family) have any specific superstitions or traditions that might seem strange to outsiders? What immediately comes to mind is the whole “Sinterklaas” problem where every year the discourse starts again whether or not the “Zwarte Pieten” are racist. Honestly not gonna comment on that because it’s not my place to feel offended or otherwise about this issue. Another thing that’s a bit more lighthearted is the “jaarmarkt” in our hometown, it’s like a big market that always finds place on the first sunday of the year. There’s a “stoet” (procession) with the walking orchestra, horses, horses and carriages, dogs and a whole load of tractors all going to get blessed at the church where the pastor throws holy water on everyone passing by. I have a love hate relationship with this tradition because it’s always freezing, and the tractors take forever to end. Oh and the main street of our town is completely closed of and there’s a big market with stalls in the street and everyone gets drunk of of the “jenevers” from the Scouts stalls lol.

14. do you enjoy your country’s cinema and/or TV? Not really, the only thing I used to watch was “Helden van Hier: Brandweer” (Heroes from here: fire brigade), it was just following the fire brigade around to fires and what not.

15. a saying, joke, or hermetic meme that only people from your country will get? ah je moe kakken moe je kakken he 😉

16. which stereotype about your country you hate the most and which one you somewhat agree with? Hate: Belgians are small-minded people not interested in anything going on outside of their home. Just not true at all. Sure there are people like that but every country has those. Agree: Belgians are hard to get to know. I hear this one a lot and I can see why people say that.

17. are you interested in your country’s history? Copied from an earlier answer: I am interested in history in general, it was one of my favourite classes in high school. I do like learning about Belgian history, mainly because Belgian history is, in one term, a messy bitch

18. do you speak with a dialect of your native language? Yes, I speak with a “Kempisch” accent, but in general I’m still pretty understandable.

19. do you like your country’s flag and/or emblem? what about the national anthem? I really don’t care about our flag, the Flemish Lion is being overly politicized to exclude the Walons lately and our national anthem is meh, no one can sing it and it’s more of a joke to people my age I think.

20. which sport is The Sport in your country? Soccer (or football idk) and veldrijden (literally field riding, but cyclo-cross as the translation) GO Wout van Aert! (idc abt sports but he’s local to me so)

21. if you could send two things from your country into space, what would they be? I’m not sure if this means you want to get rid of it or if you want to memorialize it? Getting rid of “Manneken Pis” because he’s stupid and memorializing an entire classic “frietkot”

22. what makes you proud about your country? what makes you ashamed? Proud: Our cultural diversity and lately our banding together during the crisis Ashamed: All the racists (looking at you Vlaams Belang)

23. which alcoholic beverage is the favoured one in your country? BEER, ALL THE BEER

24. what other nation is joked about most often in your country? Honestly our own nation is most joked about for good reasons. Flemish joke about the Walons and vice versa, and everyone jokes about the joke that is our government.

25. would you like to come from another place, be born in another country? I’m happy where I’m at now, so no.

26. does your nationality get portrayed in Hollywood/American media? what do you think about the portrayal? I have never seen any prominent representation of Belgian in a Hollywood movie.

27. favourite national celebrity? Probably Tom Waes

28. does your country have a lot of lakes, mountains, rivers? do you have favourites? We dont have much haha, we have rivers, most notably “De Shelde” which runs though Antwerp not too far from my apparment.

29. does your region/city have a beef with another place in your country? Flemish and Walons have always had beef, so yeah.

30. do you have people of different nationalities in your family? I had a phase where I was into genealogy and it’s safe to say I’m one of the most Belgian Belgians out there lol, especially on mothers side her family literally has been living in the same place since the 1600′s and my grandparents had never seen the ocean until my parents took them.

[lesbianfreyja]

hey u have an english degree or smth right? do u have any advice abt writing abt ur own life maybe? im applying to colleges and last year i was rejected everywhere so obviously i did it wrong and idk like i have great test scores and teachers said i was a rlly good writer but i just never know how to approach personal essays or whatever like i either come off too emotional or too stoic and just ?? also all the questions r lile "write abt how ur experiences shape who u r" and i have no idea (1/2)

(2/2) how to remove myself or any narrative i have from my trauma like its ingrained into everything i am bc the past however many years have been consumed by it. but i dont want to sound unstable but also like my experience and trauma DID form who i am so like ??? its just so fucking frustrating i never know where to draw the line ig and just 😐. sorry if this is too personal or annoying but if u have literally any feedback on anything thatd be so fucking great id appreciate anytjing

no worries! not sure i can help but i’d like to try. i applied for college, now…six years ago? so i don’t really remember much about it, but i have some general advice

personal essays r weird because it goes against every single “dont use ‘i’ statements and dont talk abt ur opinion” lesson u learn about writing essays in high school lol. the main thing i think u need to maybe do is actually make it…less..personal? i’m sure your essays are good n true but colleges don’t really care about that. i always say “the only thing i learned in high school was how to bullshit” so i’m going to give you some bullshitting advice now

don’t pick a topic that you think answers the question best or is easy to write about. pick a topic that the college wants to hear and tailor it how you need. for example, if the question is “write about how your experiences shaped who you are,” then you shouldn’t ask yourself who you are and how you got there. colleges rlly dont care if you personally went through something or who that turned u into. instead, pick a strong trait that you have, ideally something that you can make sound like it will help you academically: instead of brave, kind, or selfless, instead emphasize that you’re good at following direction, you’re independent, you’re hardworking, or you’re naturally good at picking up new skills. then pick a story that ties into that trait–or that you can make sound like it ties into that trait, even if the two are unrelated.

for example: let’s say i was applying somewhere, and i wanted to emphasize that i am good at making decisions in a crisis. what i’d say instead is something like: I am very good at finding simple solutions to difficult problems in a way that benefits everyone involved. I learned this when trying to navigate a complicated period in my life. When I was 17 I found out I had a half-brother, which was difficult for my family. We found out he was in town for a few days and would be coming to stay with us the next day, which was very sudden and hard for everyone. I proposed x, y, and z solutions. We picked Option Z and now he actually has a great relationship with my mother because of it. I apply the same principle to school when struggling with a difficult problem or a class that I’m not doing well in. When I found out I was failing math three days before the end of the semester, I did X and got an A instead. I try to apply the lessons that I learned in the hard times to everything I do, including school, since it’s the most important goal for me and where I spend most of my time and energy.

that entire story is complete bullshit, but it doesn’t matter. i took 1 thing i wanted to say im good at, picked 1 thing that was true (i have a half brother that i found out about when i was 17) and then made the rest up to fit it together. if you happen to have an actual situation that fits the trait you’re looking for, great! but don’t get too bogged down in the details. and if you’re only applying to one school, do some research and try to make it line up with their interests. if it’s for the common app, keep it super general.

you’re selling yourself to a college, not telling the truth. they just want to know why you’ll make them look better as a school! they don’t care about anything else.

sending love & good luck!

[flockofdoves]

4, 9, 25!

omg.. these are all questions when looking through it i was like. i have a lot of Thoughts abt those ones fdkgjhdfkg. thank you angel!!! also please don’t feel obligated to read All This

i’m kinda embarrassed i wrote this much but i’m not good at editing things down after the fact

4. do you like your name?  is there another name you think would fit you better?

i do! chiara is my birthname and at times through my life i’ve wished for a more androgynous/masculine name but i guess like. my name and its pronunciation and spelling and what it meant to my mom in naming me has been consistent throughout my life i don’t feel like myself without that. if i grew up in italy i’d probably feel differently though bc at least in the north its become like . italian “maddie” lol i get so confused when i go there bc all of a sudden i’ll be hearing my name everywhere

chiaroscura i came up with as a melodramatic kid after i got excited about reading the tale of despereaux that the rat character chiaroscuro had a name so similar to mine and i thought it was cool he shortened it to roscuro. i liked the art style too and it helped people know how to pronounce my name sometimes. no one irl really called me roscura but i’ve been going by it online in addition to chiara since i was a tween

i’ve tried to go by other names throughout my life like cj and arie (pronounced in 3 syllables ah-ree-ay) and rio but none of them really stuck outside of very specific contexts even if i wanted something more androgynous i think i’m just ingrained with this. i’ve thought about having it be chiaroscuro instead but chiaro for short just seems dumb. idk. and even if roscuro sounds fine roscura isnt just Me me its also a name i really associate with like uhhhh.. some dissociative alter stuff so i wouldnt want to take that away from her idk

i was sure when i was younger i’d want to change my middle and last name. my middle name is anne lol so thats very common and i thought it was boring and didnt feel like Me and too feminine etc but in the past couple years with my nana (dads mom) dying and her name was ann and then also my grandma (moms mom) is annette and my moms own middle name is anne i guess even if i dont like it without context i can keep it for history

similarly with my last name. its anglicized swedish and i have no connection to that part of my family and when i was having a really difficult time with my dad i didn’t want it but now that hes died and our relationship got better towards the end i’m more okay with it.

not sure what i’ll do if i ever get married. also have considered changing my name if i ever have trouble with how fucking stupid i’ve been with being openly a communist/disabled/gay/etc online with my full name since i was 11 lol but i doubt that

9. are you an artist?

lol. i’m not sure anymore tbh :( i at least drew stuff almost every day of my life up until like a bit over a year ago now and even if i didn’t think i was any “good” compared to my peers in like . high school AP art who went on to art school and stuff it was a big part of my identity but i let myself fall out of it even when i’d never let depression do that before and just didn’t get that momentum again. i stress about it almost every day since then i keep saying i’m Finally getting back into it but beyond like . art therapy when i was in a php program or the couple sculpture classes i took before i had to drop out of even part time classes and then a few sketches i still haven’t really provably picked things up again. and its not just digital art or cartooning its also my other creative passions like making clothing and cosplay and making stories i feel like a shell of a person without it i’m tired of saying i’ll Soon get back into it. got as far as sketching something for an actual traditional art thing last week so maybe if i finish that i can prove to myself again. i think i have trouble and why i stopped is i wasn’t doing art because i enjoyed the process anymore, i wanted the final product to be good and got discouraged and fell into a grating routine to make art. i need to learn how to enjoy that process again (or just? let myself? idk) i really need to learn that with making comics because i don’t have much proof at all that i can make things beyond like. 6 pages long. and of course with webcomics you’re constantly learning and growing in developing them thats part of the medium. i want to be able to call myself an artist again even if its hard to see that right now. i almost started drawing before i started answering this right now. i hate that i keep pushing it off. i’ve definitely said this before, but it has to be soon

25. could you live as a hermit?

i think this past 9 months has been the closest i’ve ever been to a hermit and its made me very confident that i absolutely could not lmao. i’m so sick of this i need to see proof of life beyond this place and with irl interaction with loved ones beyond my mom on a regular basis stagnating here for even a few months longer is just too much i don’t even feel like a real person anymore and thats concerning on multiple levels lol. its wild to me i even got to this point and kind of ironic that i feel the most isolated i’ve ever felt once i moved to one of the biggest cities in this country. right now i’m sustaining myself by chasing hope of a way out with the start of maybe actual concrete steps towards just . seeing people i love again irl. but honestly even that is freaking me out because realistically it might take longer to get out of this than i’d like to and i really can’t handle being in this situation more than a few months more.

also just in a general sense i think humans need to collaborate and provide for each other. individualist fantasies of just providing for oneself and not having to care for others both jsut . tend to not actually be accurate and can be pretty reactionary. so many people are so isolated in many ways under capitalism and that makes divide and conquer easier but to ensure a future where that won’t be the case we need to build community/dual power/solidarity/etc etc. i feel a bit guilty i’m not putting my actions where my mouth is with that as an individual right now but i guess it makes sense how i got here when so much is structurally at play. its weird intellectualizing that balance sometimes.

i’m so sorry this turned into some fucking . vent tumblr therapy session jesus christ fdgkjhd

[dokjaism]

this is a rant post so feel free to skip 😎

[[MORE]]

idk what i want to rlly say so i feel like it will be whatever comes to my mind first kesjdksjf

but like, its so unfair what my dad did to me. he chose another life over his only daughter, like he was a good dad after he and my mom broke up, when i was 4 years old he was a good dad, when i was 5 years old he was a good dad and then i was 6 years old and he stopped doing everything he did.

he stopped visiting me every wednesday, he stopped taking me out being just the two of us, he stopped going to my school presentations bc he had work. it's like, he stopped caring

all of sudden i had to be this doll that wore clothes they chose for me. 8 years old me had to straighten my hair bc it was too puffy for their liking. everything i did was wrong, if i knew smth they were telling me, it was wrong bc then i would be miss know-it-all

if i told either my mom or my dad something i only confide in one of them, the other would know immediately and i usually got called out by my father of what i told my mom. i got called out by his boyfriend for something i told my mom, i couldnt trust either of them bc somehow the other party would know.

when i was a kid i had to act like an adult bc there were things i couldnt do, i couldnt like. i had to have the perfect hair, a kid had to use cream after every shower bc then her skin would he dry as fuck. i had to wear perfume bc otherwise i'd smell bad, i always had to have the perfect hair. i couldnt be fat because then i wasnt gonna be attractive, i was an ugly kid bc i wasnt skinny.

9 y/o and i had to choose between my dad and my mom because both of them did smth to me after a ballet presentation i had. i chose my mom and it was the biggest mistake i did bc i made my dad's bf sad, i disappointed the ppl on my dad's side because a 9 y/o preferred her mom

10 y/o it was my fault me and my dad, an adult, didnt talk. 10 y/o me had to wear certain type of clothes chosen by my dad's boyfriend bc then she would look ugly, she had to straighten her hair bc then it would look ugly and no one would love me if i was ugly.

12 y/o and i had to be some kind of way so i could go live with them, she stopped going. it was her fault, she made her dad sad and it was all her fault. they never did nothing wrong, something took over her and it was her fault she just stopped going. started self-harming, it was a joke to both of them, i couldnt attend an english course bc i stopped going to my dad's, their punishments was me not learning a whole new language

13 y/o me, vacations i got sick, it was same as always, i just wanted to have attention, i wasnt rlly sick, i just wanted attention. attention i never wanted, attention i was never gave as a kid, i made everyone disappointed bc i just wanted fucking attention and didnt actually get sick. no one believed the kid, they believed the adults, i was lying i was a liar.

14 y/o me, knew how to wear heels, knew how to wear makeup, knew how to straighten and curl my hair, and not for myself, but for my dad and his bf, bc if i didnt i was ugly, if i didnt do any of those, i looked ugly.

15th birthday, i invited my dad bc i didnt want to go to the dinner he wanted to take me to bc i didnt have the energy. i told him the hour, i told him everything. he didnt come, why? because he chose going out of the city instead of his daughter, he chose something he could do any other day over her daughter's 15th birthday.

it was always like that, he chose his bf over his so-beloved-daughter, there was always more important than his daughter, never was a priority for him. i was never enough for neither of them, i always had to be like someone else, i always had to be someone else. i had to be prettier, i had to be skinnier, i had to wear clothes i didnt rlly like. i always had to shut up i always had to like whatever the fuck they wanted. i couldnt cry, i couldnt be sad because if i did i wanted attention, if i did voice why i was sad, it wasnt that big i was just exaggerating, there were people that had it worse.

my grades were never enough, i wasnt smart enough, i was dumb because i didnt understand maths. learning a whole language by myself starting age 11 was my job, it wasnt special, knowing a language i wasnt always in touch with wasnt special. i wasnt bilingual because i never received professional english education. i couldnt study photography because it was a poor job, i wanted a camera at least and who was the one who got it? my dad. my dad who never was rlly interested in photograohy got a camera and classes with a professional. and me? i had to just look how that all happened.

i couldnt do basketball bc it was too far away from my dad's house, was i rlly sure thats what i wanted? i couldnt keep with ballet, because according to my dad's bf my mom never took me; every weekend i stayed at my mom's my grandma took me to ballet classes. learning the guitar? was i sure enough i wanted that? i was gonna be fat i was gonna be ugly, i couldnt play the guitar bc then i would get ugly and i didnt want that right? because i wasnt pretty already, did i want to get uglier?

don't talk abt your interests, no one cares. don't talk about what you feel, it's just an exaggeration. oh hey, why dont u talk abt whats happening to u? youre the same as your mother, you just want attention and then nothing's happening. don't ask for something you want, you'll look desperate, why are u asking for certain food? are u anxious? do u want to get fatter? we'll go to new york for new year's even tho its one of ur biggest dreams, oh what about you? you ask; get a husband with money and he will take you.

don't believe in santa, thats childish and youre already 13 years old. dont be a kid, youre 10 years old youre not a kid anymore.

youre not special, the world doesnt revolve around you

[sosa-sketch]

Fright or Flight: Chapter 2

Parings: Prinxiety // Logicality // Platonic LAMP

Story Summary: Virgil and Patton investigate the New Prince Castle, when a brutal accident kills Patton. Patton wakes as a ghost and meets friendly ghoul Roman, who has been haunting the castle for 20 years. Virgil is determined to bring Patton back to life and brings Logan, the ghost expert, to help him out. Time is quickly running out, and the four must work together to undo death. If only it was as simple as Logan made it sound.

Unknown to them, a secret entity in the castle does not plan on letting them succeed.

Previous Chapter   Next Chapter 

When Patton first met Virgil, his last intention was to become friends with him. Virgil had built up a notorious reputation over the first few months of school, and his grades did nothing to disprove his status. Patton wasn’t the type to judge a person’s character based on rumors nor looks. No one was a higher believer in the benefit of doubt than Patton! However, Virgil’s first impression did not help his case.

Virgil transferred into Patton’s English class the second semester due to a schedule change. When the teacher stated a new team project was to be completed, Patton did not shy away from offering to be Virgil’s partner. He understood how difficult it could be being the new kid in a class full of friends and cliques.

The project was hefty, an collection of novel analyzing, essays, vocabulary, and journal entries. Patton was not looking forward to the Shakespearean project-Shakespeare’s language was alien to him. It occurred to Patton that pairing up with the soon-to-be-dropout may not have been his best idea. Nonetheless, Patton refused to be jaded.

The first day of the project, Virgil refused to touch the work.

“There’s no way I’m touching this project.” Virgil sneered. “Especially about Shakespeare.”

“Huh?” Patton had not fully processed Virgil’s words. “Is it because you don’t understand it?”

“Sure.”

“Neither can I! I guess Shakespeare really has our brains shaken up! Maybe we can ask the teacher to go over it for us?”

The teen huffed and shook his head. Virgil laid his head on the wooden desk and his eyes slipped closed. He napped for the rest of the period.

His behavior continued for weeks. Patton had tried everything in his power to get Virgil to help him out. Patton’s seemingly endless supply of compliments and encouraging gestures served no help.

Patton’s mind had conjured countless excuses for Virgil since Virgil himself refused to give one. At the beginning the excuses had seemed feasible. Lack of sleep? Family issues? However, by week three, Patton was already scraping the bottom of the barrel, trying to justify Virgil’s dismissive attitude with clones and possible mind control. Virgil was no closer to lifting up a pencil, there were ten days left of the project, and Patton still understood little to nothing about Shakespeare. Patton was flying solo and time was ticking.

The final week before the project was due, Patton caught the flu.

Patton would chalk up the flu to the top three sucky sicknesses of his lifetime. His fever was raging, his skin drowning in sweat while the insides of him iced over. Patton couldn’t tell when being awake ended and when sleep began. The only alarm in Patton’s body was the churning in his gut that rushed him to the toilet.

Understandably, the project was the last thing on his mind.

Patton would not remember his Shakespeare mission until the Sunday before it was due, when he was shaking off the final remnants of the flu. The realization hit him like a train, but by the time he went flying off his bed and hurriedly logging on to his computer to check the time, Patton knew it was hopeless. There was no way he could get the project done in a few hours and counting. Not when all his energy was going into fighting of sneezes and headaches.

Patton was dejectedly scrolling through his email filled with newsletters from adoption sites and animal protection agencies when a subject line caught his eye: “English Project.” Linked to the email were word documents and an audio file. Perplexedly, Patton opened the email.

To: patpetspups@gmail.com

From: killjoy_2001@icloud.com

Subject: English Project

Patton,

so apparently you’ve been sick. class is way more quiet without you their, which is wierd.

i think i did everything you hadn’t done. it’s gonna be really mispelled and confusing and shit. sorry. i’m not the best with righting. feel free to fix anything.

get well soon.

-V

p.s. sorry for acting like a jerk. i owe you a explanation monday.

Patton hugged his computer screen and laugh with relief. He had no idea why Virgil was so nervous. His ideas were brilliant. A week later, Patton would see an A in his gradebook for the Shakespeare project.

There was a reason why Patton never lost faith in people.

True to his word, the next week Virgil explained his mistreatment to Patton. Virgil struggled with dyslexia. While he was getting tutoring in overcoming his learning disability, Virgil’s writing made him incredibly insecure. His old teacher always let him work individually, but the new teacher wasn’t having it. Before class, the teacher pulled him aside and told Virgil he was no different from any other student and would have to work with a partner. Virgil, determined to spite the teacher and anxious to seem like an “idiot” in front of Patton, would pretend to sleep the whole period.

“All your writing took was a quick grammar fix. The ideas were so good! I’m not just saying that to say that, they actually were! I could never think of something like that.” Patton reassured enthusiastically.

Virgil flushed a bright red. “I didn’t do much. Shakespeare is a lot easier to understand with audio.”

Patton listened to the audiobook of Macbeth that night. Virgil clearly wasn’t giving himself enough credit.

Virgil and Patton quickly grew close once the project was done. Virgil was still quiet, snappy, moody, and detrimentally insecure, but he began to open up more as the months went on. By senior year, Patton and Virgil was joined at the hip. Two peas in a pod.

Virgil had grown a lot since freshman year.

Being joined at the hip with Virgil meant that Patton got to understand Virgil by the simplest change in body language or expression. It also meant that Patton became aquatinted with anyone close to Virgil.

Patton already had a bad feeling while Virgil’s tone had shifted on the phone the night they were chatting about yearbook quotes. Remy sending Patton a text only confirmed the ball of dread in his stomach.

Rem: pat can we talk ?

Patton: You don’t even have to ask! Everything ok?

Rem: it’s about v

Rem: have you guys talked recently ? out of school

Patton: We talked last weekend. Over the phone. Why? Is Virgil fine??

Rem: idk. he came over to my house a couple nights ago at like 5 am. talked about some ghost shit.

Patton: He woke you up to talk about ghosts??(language!)

Rem: looking for affirmation that he wasn’t some obsessed ghost freak. i told him nah

Rem: but tbh he kinda is obsessed

Patton: He is passionate about his ghosts! But that’s not a bad thing.

Rem: v strongly disagrees. the whole thing about the yearbook and ghost quotes really messed with his head

Patton: I didn’t mean anything bad by it! It was just an idea! I promise! I’ll apologize to him!!!

Rem: wait no thats not what im saying. no one blames u

Rem: is he doing any ghost stuff anytime soon

Patton: Yep. He’s going to visit a castle!

Patton: Is that bad?

Rem: don’t you remember last time v became paranoid abt something? he pulled some real stupid stuff just to prove ppl wrong

Patton: Yeah. I know.

Patton: Gosh now I’m worried :(

Rem: i just dont want him doing anything he’ll regret on the trip. can u just…idk watch out for him pls ? ik v can take care of himself. but sometimes he gets into this headspace that’s self-destructive

Rem: tbh i dont like his ghost stuff as it is. i dont need him doing something dumb either

Patton: I understand Rem. That’s really sweet of you <3 <3

Patton: I’ll look out for him! I promise!!!! :-) :-)

Rem: ty. dont tell v abt this convo tho

Despite feeling uneasy about it, Patton understood Remy’s request to keep silent. Telling Virgil about their conversation would only push Virgil away and make him defensive. It’d be impossible to look out for him.

Virgil had already given Patton a way in. Patton had to talk to Logan for Virgil and get any supplies he might need. Patton loved visiting Logan in and of itself. Maybe Logan could help him out.

Logan’s business was located near small shops clustered along the beach. It was a hotspot for tourists, where knickknacks and souvenirs were sold and expensive attractions were advertised. Patton walked along here with Virgil sometimes, stopping at the arcade or mirror maze. Patton had met some of the most interesting people in the small touristy town.

Among the attractions was a dark blue shingled building with a pointy-roofed top. Painted letters on a wooden board spelt out “Afterlife Exposed.” Patton stepped through the door and a bell gently ringed, signaling his arrival.

At the sound of the bell, a tall, dark-haired man turned around. His navy suit blended in with the darkness of the shop. The man’s lean body was captivated beautifully in the suit. Patton quickly averted his eyes, blushing furiously.

“I have been expecting you-oh. Greetings, Patton. What a surprise.”

“Hi Logan!” Patton waved enthusiastically. “Who were you expecting?”

“No one. It’s a new rule Father has implemented. I must say it to every customer to ‘set the mood,’ as he calls it.” Logan dragged his hand over his face exasperatedly. “I find it quite ridiculous. But business shall be business.”

Logan’s father technically owned Afterlife Exposed. But he was always hidden in the back, gathering supplies or experimenting. Logan was currently studying entrepreneurship in college in order to take over the family business someday.

“How may I help you today, Patton?” Logan inquired, stepping around the counter to stand in front of him. He was even taller up close.

Patton filled Logan in about the New Prince Castle family murder and Virgil’s plan to investigate the castle for one of his ghost routines. Logan nodded politely the whole way through.

“I see. What an intriguing case. What exactly does he need from me?”

Patton shrugged cluelessly. “Anything you think might help, I guess.”

“What’s his budget?”

“A coffee and cake pop from Starbucks, if he uses his gift card.”

Logan rolled his eyes. “And he sent you to purchase something from here? Why, he couldn’t even afford a keychain.”

“Come on, Logan! He’s one of your most loyal customers and between us, he’s going through a rough patch. Can’t you help him out? Please?”

Logan massaged his temples and sighed. “Patton, it’s just not something the business can afford to do right now. My Father and I have been dealing with a sort of rough patch as well. You and Virgil have my sincerest apologies-truly, you do.”

Patton nodded dejectedly, “I understand.” Spotting Logan’s hesitant expression and tense form, he rested a hand on Logan’s shoulder and grinned. “Really, I do. I don’t blame you.”

Logan gave a small, tight-lipped smile in return. Gently shaking Patton’s hand off his shoulder, he clasped his hands together tightly. “Well, is there anything else I can do for you?”

“I’m not too sure.” Patton pursed his lips in thought. “Well, actually. I was wondering if you could tell me the dos and don’ts of ghost hunting. The yays and nays. The cats and dogs-actually no scratch that, both of those would be a yay.”

“With all due respect, Patton, I think Virgil has got that covered.” Logan reassured. “He must have asked me a dozen times prior to his first investigation.”

“Oh yeah, I know. It’s for me.” Patton corrected.

Logan raised an eyebrow in perplexion. Patton had never shown an interest in ghost hunting when Virgil wasn’t to be found.

Patton thought quickly. “I just want to understand more. For when I talk to Virgil. Sometimes I really don’t get half the explanations coming from the kiddo’s mouth.” It wasn’t a lie. “Just…how do you deal with ghosts?

“I see.” Logan clicked his tongue. “I’m sure Virgil could explain it to you more in depth. But, if you’re ever in doubt, chalk it up to one thing: respect. Is what you’re doing respecting the afterlife and their home? Are you portraying common courtesy? Treat them with the same respect as the living, if not more. There are exceptions, as with anything, but for the most part, that should keep you out of trouble with spirits.”

“Respect.” Patton repeated.

“You have strong morals, Patton. If you’re concerned about involvement with the afterlife due to your closeness with Virgil, I would not worry. Lack of respect is the last of your weaknesses.”

Logan pulled out his phone from the back of his pocket. “I apologize, I must return to my work. However, if you or Virgil have any more questions, feel free to give me a call.”

Patton gushed and thanked Logan, jotting down his number. Logan flushed a gentle red and held out his hand for a handshake.

“Pleasure doing business with you, Patton.”

Patton swatted Logan’s hand away and brought him in for a hug. “Thank you, Logan.”

Logan awkwardly pat Patton on the back before ungracefully untangling himself from the embrace. “I was only doing my job. Now, I understand it’s none of my business, but I recommend getting some rest. You look exhausted.”

“High school has permanently carved bags under my eyes.” Patton shook his head defeatedly.

Logan gave an amused smirk. “You sounded like Virgil.”

Patton beamed. “Like father, like son!”

Just as Patton was about to turn around to leave the store, something in the corner of the room glistened, catching his eye. “Hey Logan? Just one more thing?”

Logan hummed at him, encouraging Patton to continue.

He pointed to the object at the corner of the room. “How much can I get that for?”

 “Walkie-talkies. I sent you to Logan Berry, one of the smartest, most knowledgeable people about the afterlife in this town, and you come back with a Ghost Buster walkie-talkie.” Virgil grunted, dangling the toy by its antennae.

“You can have the Casper the Ghost one instead.”

“What? No! Ghost Busters is better, anyway.” Virgil groaned. “That’s not the point. How about advice? Did Logan say anything?”

“Just to respect the ghosts. Have common courtesy. Which you better be doing anyway, even without Logan telling you to do so.”

Virgil threw his hands up in exasperation and fell down into his sofa as the cushions engulfed the skinny man. “Obviously I respect them! The last thing I need is coming home possessed and cursed! He knows I know that. That’s really all he said?”

“Besides giving us his number.” Patton confirmed. “Which I already gave you.”

Virgil grumbled. “Whatever. One day I’ll get enough money to- wait. The walkie-talkies. There’s no way you could have bought them with my money, I would not have had enough. Please don’t tell me…”

Virgil got a glance of Patton’s sheepish look and groaned. “Patton, we have a rule! No buying each other anything!” He buried his head in his hands. “I can’t pay you back. You know that.”

“Hey…” Patton took a seat next to Virgil and laid a comforting hand on his knee. “It’s okay. They weren’t expensive. You don’t have to pay me back.”

Virgil looked at Patton in between his fingers. His voice was muffled against his palms. “You know how I feel about that, Pat.”

“Virgil, come on.” Patton pleaded.

Virgil shook his head. “Thank you. But, you need to return them.”

Guilty silence settled among the two, but neither made a move to leave. Both were lost in their own worlds when an idea struck Patton.

He nudged Virgil. “I know a way for you to pay me back without money.” At Virgil’s unimpressed look, he protested, “Seriously! It would mean a lot more to me than whatever these walkie-talkies cost.”

“Yea?” Virgil lifted his head from his hands. “What is it?”

Patton stared at Virgil’s stormy eyes as his heart pounded. In all honesty, this was the last thing Patton wanted to do. He was terrified. But, he thought back to the conversation he had with Remy, and the last time Virgil did something senseless unsupervised due to paranoia. “I want to go ghost hunting with you. At the New Prince Castle.”

Virgil’s jaw dropped. His eyes darted around Patton’s face before he shook his head and gave a weak chuckle. “Sure, Pat. Whatever you say.”

“No, I’m serious!” Patton insisted. “I’ll respect the ghosts and do whatever you tell me to do!”

Virgil was dismissing Patton before he could finish his sentence. “No, no, no. You hate ghost stories, Pat! Especially ones that are spooky and gruesome. You’d hate ghost-hutning. It’s dark and there’s lots of weird noises and tons of spiders. No way. I’m not adding more guilt to my conscience.”

Virgil made a move to get up from the sofa, but Patton refused to let the conversation drop. He grabbed Virgil’s hand and pulled him back to the seat. Virgil landed with a clumsy thump.  

“Kiddo, I know I hate all those things. I’m sure I’ll be scared. But, you’ll be there too! I love you more than I hate all those things combined.”

“Patton, we can do something else together. Go to the movies. Or bowling. Normal teen stuff.” Virgil reasoned.

Patton retorted, “But ghost hunting is important to you.”

“It’s not that important. It’s a simple hobby. I don’t care that much about it.” Virgil cut off.

“I know, I know!” Patton quickly backtracked. “What I meant was that ghost-hunting has been a cool way for us to bond. It intrigues you-a perfectly normal amount-and I like seeing you happy! Just like you go walking with me along the shops by the beach even though it’s super crowded and you hate it.”

“Patton, what’s your point?” Virgil grilled.

“My point is I want to try this thing that you enjoy with you. Just like you try things for me. It’s senior year, Virgil. No one hates thinking about it more than me, but we don’t know what things are going to be like after high school. I want to find a husband, start a family. Maybe study veterinary science. You could have a publisher for your writing, become a famous author, and move. I want to do this with you. I want to get over my fear.”

Patton stared at Virgil hopefully and held out his hand. “What do you say? One more big adventure for the dynamic duo?”

Virgil stared at Patton, looked down and roughly shook his head, froze, then stared at Patton once more. Virgil’s foot rapidly tapped against the floor, creating a dizzy, distracting melody. Finally, Virgil pulled his hair and glared at Patton. “You’ll be careful?”

Patton nodded eagerly.

“And you’ll stick with me no matter what? At all times? I want you in my sight.”

Virgil dramatically groaned, closing his eyes and throwing his head back. “I guess you can come.”

Patton shot up from his seat, whooping with joy and hopping around the sofa. “Thank you, Virgil! Thank you! We’re going to have such a great time!”

Virgil peeked one eye open and gave a soft grin. “Yeah, I guess we are. You’re sure you wanna do this?”

“Never been more sure of anything in my life besides my love for you and cats! I pinkie swear it.”

Patton and Virgil intertwined pinkies before Patton winked and let go, embracing Virgil.

“Let your moms know you’re going to be gone for the weekend.” Virgil smirked. “We have a haunted castle to explore.”

[heartsoftruth]

i have had a multi part in me since the neymar/cavani saga started so i thought i let it out. some things to get out of the way- cavani is a great player; neymar is a greater player; no hate just straight talk. 1. neymar went there(downgrade in league and club) to be the main man & thats exactly why psg bought him. he certainly wasnt tempted to go there to serve uruguays second best striker. idk what cavani thought abt it but likely it didnt escape him that his position as the team's star is

Anonymous said:2. threatened and he decided to put up a fight and show neymar whos the boss(insisting on all fk/pen, not passing to him). he scored many goals last year but didnt lead psg to trophies. i feel bad for him waiting so long to be the star but he is deluded if he thinks psg will be his team and neymar will accept. id bet my ass he wont. neymar is a better player not only in skills but also in leadership drive- e.g. the remontada. i think neymar tried to work with him(passing to him a lot, not asking

Anonymous said:3. the first couple of games for freekicks/penalties) and that made cavani think this is how its gonna be. idt cavani realizes that theres only one way this will end- with neymar winning, for 2 reasons- psg bought him to be the star of the team and moreover neymar is a better player then cavani. both of those are a fact and not an opinion. this embarassing problem now is the management and coach’s fault. emery may have other great qualities as a coach but HR mgmt doesnt seem to be among those.

Anonymous said:4. this is very bad for this team. *a divided team will win nothing and make no one shine regardless of the quality.* it was increadibly stupid to not address the pen/fk situation from the start,a huge fail by the coach. he didnt think they will both feel entitled to take them?!? one by virtue of being last year’s taker the other by being brought in specifically to lead the team. its like both the coach and cavani thought that if they ignore the potential problem it will just settle by itself.

Anonymous said:5. i read today that some psg brazilians are against neymar in this case- i dont believe that for a second: even if they are not friends already(which most are), they play together for br and with wc next year its in their best interest to keep him happy and well practiced and comfortable in all aspects, penalties and fk included. if he leads br to the wc they will all walk away champions not just him. dani alves tho is not doing neymar any favors by making it look like a playground squabble.

Anonymous said:6. i also read something about cavani saying to neymar on the first day do you think you are messi- i dont buy that either, it would have been openly hostile and childish and immediately soured their relationship irreparably. cavani cant be that dumb. its just an example how the whole situation has become a circus and everyone (media) is taking advantage to invent things. i cant imagine how neymar would have reacted on and off the pitch but it surely would have shown in the first games.

Anonymous said:7(final, thank god lol). lastly, while i do advocate neymar to be the fk/pen taker and psg as his team and i think cavani must fall in line(maybe ruthless but life often if), i dont applaud neymar spotlighting the issue on the pitch- imo he should not have aired it out for the world to discuss and mock. he should have waited and addressed with the coach after the game. probably even after the first game it happened(st etienne?) and not let it escalate as it did vs lyon.

Oh boyyyyy hahah. I think the most - whats the correct English word for this - organized way of answering this is part by part? haha. 

I wrote a long rant a day after the controversy with Cavani. I havent posted it on here - only showed it to one person on here - but some things I wrote you also pointed out. 

1. Indeed we all know Neymar went to PSG to be a leader and not play second fiddle to Cavani. He learned from the best and decided it was his time to lead. He won’t play under a player like Cavani who talent wise/potential doesn’t come close to Ney. 

2. Again: I think the main problem is that both players though they would be responsible for the freekicks/penalties. I can’t remember if Cavani also took all the free kicks in the other matches? (for some reason I think no but I have no idea). 

¾: The problem here lies with the coach for me. You can say he’s a new player in the team he should know his place, but he didnt came to PSG to know his place and work his way to the top. He came to PSG because he IS the top and they want to get to the European top. Emery should have known Cavani wanted to be the no1 still and it was clear what Neymar wants to be. If the little incident - that didnt blow up - against St. Etienne, but even after Lyon he couldnt act like a coach and leader and tell the press they will discuss who is the penalty takes… 

I like Unai. Don’t get me wrong. What he did with Sevilla was amazing, but at PSG he’s getting exposed. I know it’s not an easy task if you have two players with this talent act liker this, but step up. 

5. That’s the most dangerous thing with Ney: agreeing with him just to keep him happy. That’s why I always will find his transfer to PSG dangerous because I think with his personality he also needs someone who tells him the truth from time to time. Who tells him when he’s being a brat, when he should stfu and man up. Dani is annoying me since he left Juve the way he did so I won’t comment on him (since it won’t be good haha). But it’s bs to say Marquinhos is annoyed by him. I see him even more with Marquinhos than with Dani tbh (I love Marquinhos btw. What a sweetheart). Maybe Moura can secretly be annoyed by his arrival since PSG has to get rid of a few players and he’s one of them. 

6. These full quotes always amaze me and - after this whole PSG transfer sage - I know not to believe them tbh. 

7. That would mean Ney would think instead of acting immediately and - with all due respect to my hotheaded munchkin - he doesn’t so that in the moment. Also one of his biggest weakness but also what makes him world class. He doesn’t think when he’s on the field and just does what comes to mind. With the ball that’s good without it, it’s dangerous and it showed us manny times it can be (in the past also). 

To be honest it’s weird for me because I dont give af about PSG, but I care about Ney. So I can’t think in only Ney’s interest since I know he needs this team to achieve his goals with them… Normally - like most of the other football fans - I would have laughed at all these troubles for a buying team like PSG, but when you’re fave plays for them it’s like you wanna laugh, and you laugh, but then you realize Ney is in this mess too… 

PSG has a lot of problems to be honest and I don’t know how Bayern is doing - probably amazing - but they have more thing to worry about other than this incident. The fact is also that they are - even with all these buys - play very badly, slow tempo, wrong passes and with some players who don’t even deserve to be on the team. They have much work cut out for them even without this shit. And all eyes will be on them more then ever and most people outside of France hope they will fail. 

[conflictedrabbit]

2* the AvPD

Conversation w/ my friend I mentioned earlier. With their name / identifying characteristics edited out and some chopping here and there. 

___: 

I made a post abt avod once tho and it got like A few rbs and I thought "if this isn't irony idk what is" Trje

66ccff: ekjal;kdjd;

___: 

me: why do, so many avoidants want to pay for being alive avpd Tumblr: hm . I relate

66ccff: ekleja;ejdl;k

___: me: I'm glad to know people relate but are we fucking ok

66ccff: 

LOL i mean mood tbh

___: HINESTLT like I noticed i do it cuz of you NFBNSBDKSBDKSS

66ccff: though do you mean pay as in like. pay the medical system or pay as in guilt

___: Guilt

66ccff: 

kejk;ldj;L yes ok that is definitely me me: i breathed 5 gallons of air within 3 hours i am so sorry world

___:

me: [realizes it's not entirely religious trauma and also probably just Guilt over taking up space and needing to help ppl otherwise Why Live?} 

Oh god me

66ccff: (this is not even ironic i get like this multiple times a week)

___: 

hdjhdjsd I've been having a bad ep lately actually and like I think I failed to look 5-6 people in the eyes today CUZ IM JUST [WALKS AROHND] WOW . TERRIBLE

66ccff: 

omg it's ok i nearly cried in class today b/c i didn't have a good eng translation for this jp sentence

i was like.... no.... don't....

i stabilized cuz the teacher went on a tangent for a second but like forcing myself to look in his eyes and act normal was so hard i looked away so many times i wa slike. oog my god. end m i love it when walking around where there's other people makes me really nervous and irritable agoraphobia is great!

___: 

GOD yea It's so awkward for me I'm fine if I have a safe person or I'm walking to class but like

66ccff: i came back from class today and took a 6 hr nap cuz of my shame and agoraphobia

___: 

Rip Wish I could do that...

66ccff: well i haven't done my homework so

___: 

I just. Cry a lot NDKSJDJDNSKDNS rip me: I'm strong Me: spent the last 5 days like crying over nothing

66ccff: 

dkjle;ajd i mean... i used to cry but then i got mad at myself for crying so now i just Repress (tm) and sleep and then. the joke is that sometimes it doesn't work self harms... oops... that didn't work either better nap again

___: 

zz Pillows keep u safe Idk what I've been doing lately but I thought I was getting better til I realized I was like Abstaining from feeding myself BFBJSBFSJJFD

66ccff: o h my god

___: 

And I was like "oh fuck I'm a terrible person bc someone told me I should eat and j Didn't Do It I Failed Them"

66ccff: 

ahahahahaahahaha i thought i was getting better too but it was actually because i was just forcing myself to study to give myself an illusion of doing my part and then i went to school and my actual performance is like bad b/c i avoid so many activities that would make me better and i just

___: samd

66ccff: 

Wow i want to die!

___: 

hdjsjdjs

I think I only managed to eat cuz my brother was expecting me to

66ccff: tavpdfw you want to be punished constantly so you don't have to have anxiety about existing

___: 

Cuz he bought me dinner like 6 hours ago but I didn't touch it til now BFJDJD MEEEEE

66ccff: dkja;eljd;

___: 

GOD me: ah I feel good today Me like 3 hours later: oh my God I shouldn't feel good abt myself that's so Selfish ? I am trash

66ccff: oh Mood

___: Avpd solidarity

66ccff: 

honestly i love my environmental soicology class but liek it talks about how we're all consuming and putting things back into the environment

___: Idk how I manage to have avpd and __pd but that's how it is on ths bitch of an earth

66ccff: and i was literally contemplating if death was the only way to take myself out from the cycle

___: 

Me Bhhjsfjd

66ccff: 

i was like holy shit. it's not just consumption i forgot i also put bad gases into the air with everything i breathe i am Bad

___: 

All day today I was hearing abt what happened in Vegas and we were like. Talking in my apologetics class abt the Nature of Evil

66ccff: the true environmentalist take is death

___: And I was just thinking "why must I, exist if all I am is bad"

66ccff: 

oh my god same! i looked over my abt page and i was like this looks fake tumblerina

___: 

apologetics: so mankind is basically evil Me: great! I'll die so there's less evil in the world

66ccff: 

me ME

MEMEMMEMEMEMMEMEMEMEME

___: HHDHSBDJSHD

66ccff: 

sometimes i have fantasies of like going backwards and apologizing to everyone i've ever talked to and to everyone who ever had to work to produce what i've consumed

___: 

M. E

m

66ccff: 

and then hoping that they forget about me and then like disappearing forever i jsut can't see how some people can be like oh yeah factories in china and mexico earn less than 2 dollars an hour to make our stuff and not jus twant to kill themselves

___: 

I'm just pathetic and compulsive if I feel bad about stuff I apologize til like 2 weeks after God. Yea

66ccff: 

the joke is that people hate if you overapologize so you jsut damned if you do damned if you dont :upside_down:

___:

me: uh sorry for being sad People: don't apologize for that Me: Avpd:.  They are mad that I am apologizing also that I am sad Hhhfjjejd

Me: 

ME WKJD;LKD "can you stop saying sorry" "sorry"

___: 

me: oh God I'm so miserable Someone: oh im sorry Me: I wish I could accept this but Pity is too much for a lowly worm like me

66ccff: "what did i just say"

___: MMSNDNBHHHHHHGGGGG

66ccff: 

:smile: :gun:

MOOD

___: avpd feel when you don't deserve to be pitied ?

66ccff: pity is too much kindness ___: 

God yea

LIKE probably just a conflicted feel but I prefer ppl being active than pitying me but then I'm like

"that's selfish I don't deserve that ?"

66ccff: 

someone tells you to watch where you're going feel like you're unable to go outside for the rest of the day

___: 

m. mebdbdhdhdjs

66ccff: oh yeah the joke is that i want people to like. be kind to me but also i don't

___: hell brain

66ccff: so i can't say what i want

___: GGG YEAH

66ccff: 

be kind to me except don't because i'll feel invalid either way so maybe just don't talk to me >feels worse anyway

___: 

Hhhhhhhhhhh me Me: talk to me ? But I don't know what to talk abt ? But I am also not good enough for pity you could just sit there maybe But then the presence of another person will overwhlem me and I'll go cry again/s

66ccff: feel free to entertain yourself, and forget about me, ___: 

Mebdndmdkskdjsja god [looks at all cluster c disorders] you are all bitches and I hate tou

66ccff: 

tavpdfw u gotta depersonalize to make it through the day of talking to other people and acting like ur a normal human bean MOOD

___: GOD yea

66ccff: 

i have a question though if im depersonalizing why do i still feel terrible even if i feel ilke im fake smh

___: God me

66ccff: 

me: i'm not real so heres me acting like i am chill and cool person that is interesting maybe or maybe not me, inside: this sucks and i hate this but im not real so it shouldnt affect me but damn i hate this when u feel separate from your auto-pilot but you still experience all the shame you would without it :thinking: avpd is stupid and contradictory and evolutionarily useless

___: 

__pd isnkind of the same but like if you manage it well you can get stuff done but you still breakdown over the TINIEST DETAIL I hate it And I waste more time thinking abt what I'm gonna do and not actully DOING MT SHIT

66ccff: cripes

___: LIKE A NORMAL PERSON

66ccff:

me in high school UGH i'm ahving that problem right now dude in high school i used to just waste my days reading manga and thnking i should do my homeworka

___: 

me: I'll spend this hour scheduling [2hours later] Me: [stressed nbdjdjjsjdjsjdks

66ccff: and then i'd like. start at 10pm and fuck myself over ___: rip 66ccff: have a crying session at 4am every time an essay is due the next day ___: I actually didn't do one of my assignments tonight 66ccff: bad coping habits ___: Rip me I got discouraged over something lame JFJSNFKSNFD 66ccff: oh mood

___:

relationship issues: occur Me: well, I can't, do anything ever again

66ccff: 

i shouldn't even be discouraged abt my classes bc i'm here to learn and i'm just like. i know nothing i deserve to die kejd;kakejd friend, disagrees with you on something you feel unsure about: WELL I GUESS I AM BAD AND THEY HATE ME NOW time to ghost them

___: 

me: [perceives someone not caring for me] me: and Now...what is Mine Purpose...what do I live for...my Friends....have all abandoned m MEEEEEE avpd sounds super dramatic when you separate it from yourself but like In the moment I'm always just [jdut starts Fucking Crying

66ccff: 

i just want to manage to some kind of social work, give my wealth to some impoverished family, and then kms before 30

yeah my therapists in the past are like why... so soon

___: Jfjdjfjdf 66ccff: and i'm just like "why not i need to minimize all my ills on the world and also on the emotions of my family" ___: That reminds me of like. One of my mutuals talking abt how early he sleeps and he was just 66ccff: this is the optimal time look my life plan

___: 

"why be awake longer than necessary"

Hdhdhfjsjfdjdjdband. I was just . Me

66ccff:

because you hate yourself too much sleep :^)

___: 

God yea That's true. Me rn

I should've been asleep like an hour ago but [plays secret of Mana and then mopes]

66ccff:

dude i used to have bouts of insomnia b4 i got drugs that knock me out (and help me w/ anxiety) like.... i would lay awake and every second of being awake was just making the situation worse

___: I feel like I should get meds to balance out my bipolar eps but

66ccff: but then i couldn't sleep anyway so it was a damned situation ___: my parents r so anti meds 66ccff: rrghbh

___: 

also like Internalized ableism That I don't Needthem and So Many people don't need them

66ccff: oh yeah, why do my essay when i can read an hour of garbage romo manga and feel slightly less bad during that time and then hate myself more

___: 

So I Can do it cuz I'm like Everyone Else and not like Those "crazy" people Rifp

66ccff: 

man i don't wanna encourage meds if your side effects r bad but honestly how did i get the fuck through high school other than triggering intense anxiety about all assignments

like... i was so nonfunctional i shouldn't have even been in school

.....

66ccff: 

all accessibility problems are solvable humans are so bad

___: caring ? About others ? What a concept 66ccff: except sometimes they are good but that is definitely not me

___: 

Me

Ok I try to overcompensate w good to make up for inherent badness THANKS RELIGION

66ccff: 

the US is like: here's a pricetag for your life pay up

___: AAAA

66ccff: 

yeah i can see how christainity wouldn't help there w/ the "original sin" and stuff that doesn't quite exist in other abrahamic religions iirc judaism doesn't even have hell

___:  it's really weird

66ccff: 

i'm guessing its bc of jesus like.... y'all binches killed him so now this is life - christainity

___: 

Like. Christianity makes the most sense to me probably cuz I grew up w it but fuck Man

66ccff:  o yeah i grew up w/ some christianity too ___: It's FUCKED!!!!!! 66ccff:  i actually have agoraphobia issues w/ going inside of churches ___: Oh same 66ccff:  :^) ___: I'm actually fairly anti-church just because the current state of them is very bsd 66ccff:  oh yeah

....

66ccff: 

how can someone like me, who is literally not deserving of life, raise someone else

scrumbles

___:

Me Hdjehdsk

66ccff:  ___ we are so fucked ___: 

It's true Life is fucked We, are fucked

66ccff: existence is violence

[oflgtfol]

idk maybe im being mean about this but my mom is coming at me with a hostile tone and speaking over me so im feeling hostile right back

like if you genuinely dont understand science then ok i’ll do my best to help but like. dont get hostile at me. dont act like scientists are stupid and fake and dont know shit just because science itself doesnt guarantee the certainty of anything (literally its all about discovery and refinement, for any scientist to claim we know everything about something is bold and arrogant. you should always assume theres more to learn). and dont talk over me when im trying to explain it to you!

my mom’s like why should we even believe any of these scientists when nothig is concrete

shoadhakdjs

[unproduciblesmackdown]

i can remember going to like five bday parties

1. kid in preschool who invited pretty much everyone. all i remember was going up the driveway

2. kid in elementary school named tommy who didn't have hardly any friends, same. we went to the bowling alley and i'm sure that was great. i'm cool with bowling.

just remembered i had a kinda friend named sophia for a few years cuz our moms worked together or smthing. she was fun we just didnt see each other that much. also had a friend in early elementary school named michael who i enjoyed being around, which was rare i actively wanted to be friends with someone, he was cool too. i think he went to a different school after a couple of grades tho. another rare friend i wanted to be friends with was the one where we were both so quiet that im not even sure we spoke the same language, in a literal sense. but that was the one where one day i guess the teacher wanted to make an example out of a couple quiet kids who never did anything coz we were getting a kick out of looking at each other thru the holes in our folders and it wasnt even a lesson but i had to carry my assigned desk across the room and for someone who interprets attention as dangerous it was a trial for me though i pretended it was fine coz i have had a stubborn streak since old enough to have like any traits at all. other people i wanted to be friends with pre-college: josh, who i was friends with, but after we went to different schools and i found him on facebook he refused to talk to me coz he was going through a hardcore late emo phase i guess and i hope that part of his life has settled; emily, who was cute and friendly and we were acquaintances who shared classes but i never spoke to anyone and we never got a friendship going thru coincidence, saw her years later at my summer job and she seemed alive; arissa, who i was friends with and could goof around with but then we went to different schools and never had any contact since

3. a sorta friend from since-preschool, this one was pretty fun, it was a smallish sleepover and we watched a movie and did the thing where you pour some colors into a mold and bake ur own custom superball, there were fireflies too, her parents were nice.

4. a friend who had a pool party which was great b/c i like pools. accidentally gave her a present meant for my dad because they were the same size and i wrapped them together coz their birthdays are close together and i didnt even realize it until my dad opened the one meant for her a few days later. classic

5. a friend who went to a concert kind of but it was like a mom concert especially since her mom took us and it was fine but i dont count it as my first concert which was me sneaking off to see kesha. it was good except she hadnt ever said it was a birthday thing so i hadnt brought a gift and there was only one other person invited, who totally had. Classic

6. just remembered another one which was a elementary school friend for a couple years, all i remember really happening was using coloring books and she got really stressed about finding a marker she'd just gotten as a gift because her parents would be mad. also got stressed when something spilled i think. i recognized that pretty easily so im really assuming her parents were abusive too. she wasnt always that great a friend though and it made me mad, like one time in art class she asked my advice on how to fix flower stems she'd painted too wide and i said well all i could really think to do was use some white paint on it, and when she did that and the paint didnt opaquely cover up what she'd painted she got mad at me and for some reason stole my scissors to get even with me for ruining her painting. third grade me didnt think that was cool. plus she always took half my sandwich at lunch, like, bro. but that wasnt as annoying as the time a friend in middle school who was one of the only people to actually hang out with me was not only going thru a period of not hanging out with me but also only talking to me to get my math homework to copy from during lunch. and then one day she didnt even give it back before lunch and our next period was math and anyways i was upset about getting a zero but then i didnt care pretty quickly. she was pretty nice anyway. and i came to give like rock bottom amt of shits abt school within time so looking back im definitely not even mad. that scissors thing was still out of line tho by contrast

thrillingly i thought of that topic coz once i tagged along to a bday party of one of my sister's friends, my sister being a person who actually has friends. it was pretty fun and it was just backyard running around and one of them let me race them around in circles on a bike, which i recognized as gracious from a kid three years older. i think that was where my sister got a plastic cup that looked like a coconut that my mom took and threw away later to punish her for whatever and i remember coz my sister cared enough about it to ask her not to throw it away but of course that doesnt work

i had a bday party once? in elementary school. i guess we saw a movie but im not sure what it was. and it was a sleepover so apparently i couldnt invite my friends who were boys, which was at least half of the precious few of them, which i thought was dumbassed as hell, on account of it was. plus for like weeks in advance my mom threatened to cancel it for whatever thing of the day was pissing her off. probably not playing piano for thirty minutes a day which i never wanted to do but for some reason had to do for years because i made the mistake of wanting to do the thing my sister was when i was like five and a clueless fucko. and we owned a piano. idk why my mom gave a shit that if we showed any interest in learning we Had to, for 30 min a Day which is an eternity in kid time, and also we couldnt stop. that was a weird thing that i forget about. i forget about 86% of my life and 93% of the first third or two because there is not much worth remembering as you can imagine. i mean, its mostly there in my memory, its just hard to pull up anything unless i have a specific reminder of a certain memory or else just try really hard i guess. i'm just out here, who knows what was going on back then. besides bs

[uniformbravo]

uhh first day of school post

it was fucken hot

seriously why did it have to be 110 degrees right on the week when i start having to go outside again bye

every semester the first thing i say is “i’m never taking an 8 am class ever again”

the second thing i say is “i’m never taking a class on the third floor ever again”

this semester, somehow, through a cruel twist of fate, i have ended up failing both resolutions with two classes each (two classes are at 8 am; two classes are on the third floor; one of them is at 8 am on the third floor)

((i only have 3 classes, there is overlap in the above description))

painting class was cool the teacher was cool i have to pick between oils & acrylics by next tuesday & i have no idea what i want to do

it was super awkward the whole time bc i sat next to this girl & then a couple other girls came in and sat on the other side of me and it was very clear they all knew each other and i could tell the first girl wished she was sitting w/ them but i was too nervous to offer to switch bc there was never a time that felt right so i just spent the whole class feeling like i was in the way so that wasn’t very.... fun

second class was intermediate drawing & ok

this guy is fairly new to teaching, says he graduated calarts a few years ago, and he seems nice & everything but i got the distinct impression that he doesn’t really know how to run a class

which is totally fair since he’s so new to it

but our first assignment is to “revisit” the final from the last art class we took & basically do it again???

not like a literal recreation of exactly what we did last time, he said he wanted us to like do it differently? have more fun with it?? add our own interests into it??? make it represent ourselves????

the more i think about this the more questions marks happen

he did not explain it well

he said he wants to use this to kind of gauge where everyone is at in terms of skill level, but couldn’t he just have done that by having us....... actually...... you know......... bring in our finals from the previous classes........................ instead of having us redo it....................................

this is literally the final project we’re talking about, the big thing that’s due at the end of the semester, the thing we were each given weeks to work on, and when does he want this in by? 

wednesday

as in 2 days from now

wednesday

and we were all like “uhhhh can we have some time to work on it in class”

and the thing is, he didn’t even have a set due date, he’s treating this class like a democracy so whenever we were like “so wait when do you want this by” he’d be like “idk what do you guys think?” like i dont know dude!!! you’re supposed to have this shit figured out, we don’t know the scope of the assignment we don’t know the amount of work that should go into it, we don’t know how long it’s going to take, that’s supposed to be on you!! what the hell,

the whole thing was very

unclear

we were all trying to figure out what the fuck he wanted from us and as soon as it started turning into “yeah just bring it in by wednesday” we were all like panicking like “you want a finished recreation of our last class’ final project in two days” so we managed to amend it so we’d have the first half of wednesday’s class to work on it but still jesus??? the whole thing ended with him saying “just bring in a drawing on wednesday, does that sound good?” uh no not really 

u want to gauge our skill level but ur only giving us 2 days to show it

buddy ur getting a pencil sketch of an idea that could be cool if i had more time to like refine it n shit

also just because i want to reiterate: if u wanted to see our current skill level why didnt u just have us bring in some of our previous works

like what the fuck

what

aaanyway despite all my complaining i think this could be an.... interesting class??? this is for intermediate drawing by the way, which is the class that i was like “boy i hope this is more interesting than beginning drawing” and hoooo

he said he wants to focus heavily on “conceptual art”, u know, art that has meaning n shit, he explained it as having something to say about the world or something like that, which is. cool i guess. the main thing i kinda latched onto was when he said he wanted to make the class enjoyable for everyone and have us doing drawings we’re interested in, so if the class can follow through on that promise then i’ll be good to go but if he pulls a “every drawing has to have some deep meaning and commentary on the world around us” then i will be. unhappy

i dont even know if he actually does drawings?? i mean he’s from calarts so obviously he has to have done art for that but like when someone asked if he’s gonna show us some of his work he was basically like “um yeah, but i don’t really have a lot, im more into exploring ideas for art than actually making it” and he said he’s into performance art so it’s like. that’s really cool & im happy for you but just curious why are you teaching a drawing class then. like a legitimate actual question tho, how does this class relate to what you do and how u gonna teach us if ur not putting these things into practice yourself

i realize im being kinda harsh because i only spent maybe a little over an hour in this class today so this is really just first impressions talk, like. i could be hugely underestimating him, maybe he is a fantastic teacher and i’ll have a lot of fun with this class??

but even as i type that im remembering other things he said, like how the assignments aren’t gonna be like in other classes where you’re told specifically what to draw or like how the lecture portions are gonna be like a seminar where we discuss art-related topics

it’s just super unconventional and it seems really experimental on his part like he really doesn’t know what he’s doing (which, again, understandable since he’s new and all) so it’ll probably just end up being the weirdest art class i’ve ever taken

and a couple years ago i’d probably have really really hated it just based on the lack of guidance alone, i could see a genuine complaint of this class being “it doesn’t feel like the next step after all the technical work and learning we did in beginning drawing”

but at this point im really intrigued and willing to give it the benefit of the doubt, and i’d rather treat it like an experience than a poorly structured class

and maybe that’s easier for someone in my situation to do since i didn’t really care all that much about this class in the first place so i didn’t have any expectations for it to meet anyway

im literally just taking it to fill my requirements so if it turns out to be an interesting experience then all the better, as long as i can pass

Side Note About The Grading, By The Way

the syllabus has a grading system listed

an A is described as “outstanding work, which exceeds guidelines of assignments, shows technical prowess, creativity, expression, intelligence and personal growth”

a B is “high quality work which meets the guidelines of the assignment”

like is it just me or shouldn’t the latter description be just fine to receive an A??? u did what u were supposed to and it was “high quality” like that is. the definition of an A assignment, the first description should be for an A+ like legitimately is this just me or

and then for a D it’s like “poor quality, little effort or understanding of the assignment” the “understanding” part is throwin me off like if the student didn’t understand the assignment then maybe u should explain it better for them?? i can see poor quality and low effort being good reasons for a low grade but not understanding seems a little unfair

im just getting into specifics now tho

i think im done talking abt this class now

hoo boy

an interesting first day to say the least

[adoringjensen]

lately whenever i think about supernatural or other stuff i like i dont normally get idk excited like i normally would. like im even thinking about the day i met misha and for some reason i dont get happy. its not bc im ungrateful bc really im glad i got the chance to meet him but idk. and like whenever i think about one of my fave fictional characters (fred weasley for example) i dont get happy and the urge to enthuse abt him like i normally would. why is this happening to me?

Hey there, anon :)

I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this right now. It’s a very frustrating thing, and I can completely empathize with you on this. This is actually a very common symptom of depression. Losing interest in hobbies, things that used to make you happy don’t seem to mean anything to you anymore, and a general lack of interest or caring in,,, well, anything. It’s confusing to try and understand it at first, but that’s kinda just how depression is. The symptoms are just there and it’s practically impossible to put the feelings into words. It’s like you’re just kind of existing and nothing around you offers the same comfort or stimulation it used to. Sometimes those happier feelings come back. And honestly? Sometimes they don’t. And it’s okay to mourn something that was a big part of your life that isn’t anymore, because it feels different now. 

I will share something with you, anon. Because this is a difficult and confusing thing to go through, and I want you to know that you’re not alone in this. I used to be really, really, really into music. I was a clarinetist so serious about my love of music that I was an aspiring performance major. I wanted to turn my passion into my career. Music was practically my sole hobby, all I would do, all I would really have time for, was practice, go to rehearsals, go to lessons, go to auditions, perform, and practice some more. It made me happy to perform on stage, to study under world-class musicians, and to learn difficult pieces of music. It was incredibly stressful, but at my core, it was what I loved and I knew it made me happy. So when it came time to go to college, I was excited to finally be able to focus only on this. Only on what I loved. No more bullshit high school classes I didn’t care about. I would be able to play with other musicians that shared the same love and passion for playing as I did. I was super excited about college, bc I was convinced this was where I’d really thrive.

Unfortunately, that didn’t turn out to be true. I ended my senior year of high school in a very bad place, and while I thought moving to college would be a step forward for me, it actually made everything a million times worse. I won’t get into all the details, but long story short: I don’t practice music like I used to. It no longer gives me the same feelings it did before. I feel a lot of pressure and expectation put on me and it’s just,,, really not the same. And I don’t think it ever will be. Ever since moving back home, I’ve barely picked up an instrument. And it’s been an entire grieving process to accept that I’m not going to be what I always thought I would be. It still makes me really sad to think about sometimes. But I still hold out the hope that someday, I’ll get back into it in a less intense way. I’ll play only for fun here and there when I want to. But right now? I’m actually focused in the direction of graphic design. I’ve managed to find something else that now gives me some sense of purpose. And I really didn’t think I would be able to find that again.

My point is, anon, that while we may lose things that were especially meaningful to us, or drift away from things that used to make us happy or excited, that doesn’t mean we don’t have the ability to find something else like that again. I never ever, in a million years would’ve thought this is the direction I would be going in. I was set firm in the music path. But here I am. And it’s actually very common to go through a lot of changes at this stage in life. Sometimes that’s comforting to hear, sometimes not so much. But know it’s okay. You’re not alone. This experience may be terrifying as all hell, but you know what? This gives you an advantage over everybody else. Maybe you go through a bunch of different hobbies trying to find the one for you that gives you that feeling. And because of that, you’ll have done so much more than anyone else around you. You’ll have more experience to learn what you like and what you don’t. And the most important thing: you’ll learn a lot more about yourself. You’ll get to know yourself a lot better, stay in tune with your emotions and learn what helps you cope, what makes you anxious, what makes you hurt, what makes you smile. 

The best thing you can do right now is to take care of you. And do whatever it is that you need. Always have somebody to talk to. Even if you don’t like opening up, please just have someone around that you know will listen. Somebody you’re comfortable with. Whether that be a therapist, a friend, a parent, whoever. Having someone like that is really fucking important. It helps so much more than you think right now. And if you need to, see a doctor. See a psychiatrist. The right balance of medication can really help to stabilize you and put you in the right direction. Be willing to try different things, because you never know what could be helpful to you at this time in your life. Something that may not have been helpful in the past could actually be helpful now. And if you find out that something isn’t for you? That’s okay. Take a breath and move on to the next thing when you’re ready. Because there are things out there that are helpful. There are things out there that will make you happy again. It’s okay to change. You just have to find out what’s right for you. It can be a long, difficult process to figure out what works for you and what doesn’t. But I’m telling you it’s possible. 

And there’s always ups and downs. I feel what you’re saying anon, I feel it so fucking deep in my chest. When I think of the times I’ve met Jared, Jensen, and Misha,,, it actually tends to give me a lot of anxiety and I have to stop thinking about it before I get myself too worked up. I won’t get those happy feelings or get all excited about it like I’ve heard so many other people do. And that right there just depresses me further. So anon, I’m with ya. 100%. I feel what you’re saying. And it really does feel like “why is this happening to me” bc you literally did nothing? It’s not your fault you’re feeling like this. None of this is your fault. You’re feeling the way you are, and that’s okay. It’s okay not to get happy about things you think you “should” be. I think accepting and knowing that this is a part of something you can’t control will make things smoother for you. Getting frustrated at yourself only ever causes things to spiral.

So anon, I hope I didn’t make you feel any worse or anything lmao. I just want you to know that this is a very real thing and that it is manageable. The more you know about it, the more you know about yourself, the more people you have in your support system, the better things are going to go for you. Again, I need to say how fucking important it is to have someone to talk to. Someone you’re comfortable with and know will listen and make you feel safe. It’s something that has done a hell of a lot for me when I didn’t think it would. So take care of yourself. Celebrate the little things. Turn little tasks into achievements. You took a shower today? Hell yeah, that’s what I’m talking about. Look at you go, you did that!! You’re doing amazing! Maybe it sounds silly right now, but we need these little things to keep us going. Just focus on one day at a time. 

It’s a huge thing to recognize this, anon. You’re already a step ahead. If you ever need to talk about anything, to just write it down and get it out there? I’m right here. If you have questions or anything, I’m right here. I’ll be that person for you if you need me to be. Things are going to be okay. Get yourself some ice cream or something, alright? Treat yourself, because you deserve that shit. I’ll be thinking about you :) Lots of love xx